Sheila Wray Gregoire's Blog, page 145

Why I’m OK Talking to My Mom About Sex

I wrote a post a few months back about being the kind of mom your kids can turn to with their questions about sex.

In it I told a bit of our family’s dynamic, that we’re all pretty open talking about sex in our home. And that I even gave my oldest daughter, Rebecca, a “honeymoon package” with lube and condoms the week before her wedding.

A few commenters took me to task on Facebook for that, and several asked how Rebecca felt about that.

Since Becca has written here before, I thought I’d ask her to do so again! Becca’s going to let you know what we did to make talking about sex a little less awkward for her. Let’s go!

When I was ten, my mom told me about sex. 

I thought it was really weird. I had a hard time looking at my mom for the rest of the day.

For most of my friends, that awkward silence didn’t stop. They just never felt comfortable talking to their parents about sex–it was way too weird.

That wasn’t the case for my sister and me. Sure, it was awkward for a while, and it wasn’t like I was jumping to talk to my mom about sex. But when it came up, it was easy to talk to them. When I was 15, my mom and I talked about how sad I was that one of my friends had gotten pregnant. In grade 11, my mom and I talked about what I should do when I learned that one of my friends was in a dangerous sexual relationship. At 20 when I was getting married, my mom handed me a bottle of lube and a box of condoms in a “honeymoon package.” Sex was just another part of the conversation.

Unfortunately, not many kids are as comfortable talking to their parents about sex as I was. But it wasn’t all luck-of-the-draw with my family–my parents did some specific things that made our conversations about sex a lot more natural and a lot less cringe-worthy.

The conversations weren’t forced

I have heard so many horror stories of how my friends were told about sex as pre-teens. The formal sit-down “sex talk” where mom or dad tells them exactly how it all works where the kid wants nothing more than to just run far far away. And they really just don’t want to talk about sex ever again because it was just so awkward.

Now, I did have a sit-down “sex-talk,” but it wasn’t forced. My mom took me on a weekend trip when I was ten and we did all sorts of fun things, like go yarn shopping, get ice cream, and explore the university campus where she and dad had met. And at night we sat and listened to a CD course all about puberty and sex. But it was part of a larger weekend that was fun, and sex wasn’t the only thing I was learning about. We also talked about periods, crushes, and other fun things like acne and cramps. Yes, it was very awkward. I still remember just feeling so shocked when I learned, “he puts what… in… where?!” But it had a natural build-up after talking about puberty, and although I was uncomfortable, I didn’t feel like I was forced to be part of this awkward situation. It was just the next part of our weekend.

My sister’s “sex talk” was different. She just asked mom out-right one day, and so mom told her. She’s naturally a bit more brazen than I am. I needed a weekend away. After the first sex talk, though, the conversations were pretty much all initiated by us. Our parents never made us talk about sex if we didn’t want to. Instead, they let us come to them.

My parents didn’t expect us to have a hard time talking about sex

The reason they were able to let us come to them is that they knew that if we had questions, we would ask. Our family is very open about everything, not just sex. And that’s key: you can’t expect kids to want to communicate about sex if your family isn’t good at communicating about other things, too. We knew we could go to our parents with our questions about sex because we could go to them about everything else. So it was natural that we would go to them because that was our routine already.

We talked about a lot of hard things in our family. We talked about grief, about loss, about theology, about substance abuse, and it was all just very normal to be open about these kinds of things. Of course, we also talked about the fun things like our friends or funny videos. But since my parents knew we would come to them with our questions, there was no need for them to worry we wouldn’t talk to them about sex, too. So they waited for us to come to them.

My parents weren’t embarrassing about sex

Yes, my mom handed me a gift bag with condoms and lube in it a few days before my wedding. But she didn’t hand it to me in front of everyone at the house, my future mother-in-law, or my friends. We went out to the car alone and laughed about it together. It wasn’t some huge show, it wasn’t a spectacle. It was like an inside joke between the two of us. 

Parents often try to compensate for the awkwardness of talking about sex with your kids by being very loud and boisterous about it, like they’re trying to convince everyone it’s not awkward. Spoiler alert: that doesn’t work. It’s just really embarrassing for your kids.

I had it rough in this area–my mom was a public speaker and author about Christian sex.

Everyone knew that my mom was “the Christian sex lady.” And I got teased about it every now and then. But my mom didn’t make the teasing worse by how she acted–she didn’t joke around with my friends about it, and didn’t advertise the fact that she spoke about sex. She wasn’t ashamed about it, and didn’t try to hide it, but just made sure it wasn’t the center of the conversation for our sakes.

The main trick for not being embarrassing is to have those boundaries. My mom knew that around my friends was not an appropriate place to talk about sex or that side of her job. When I was getting married, she didn’t joke about the honeymoon in front of my friends who may have been more uncomfortable about it than I was. She had boundaries and that helped minimize the embarrassment.

There was never shame surrounding sex

When my parents talked to us about sex, it wasn’t a lecture on why we shouldn’t do it. It wasn’t a lecture on why it was bad, or why it can screw up our entire lives. A lot of Christian kids get this message–you don’t have sex because it’s bad and you don’t want to become impure. Our parents never took that approach. Instead, sex was just another part of life. And like all things in life, there is a right time and a wrong time to do it. Driving is a part of life. It is wrong to drive when you are 13. Sex is a part of life. It is wrong to have sex when you’re not married. But it wasn’t presented as unforgivable, and our virginity was never called “our precious gift.” Sex was more presented as a very good thing that could be unhealthy if you do it too soon. But there were no scare tactics, no shame tactics–just the facts. And a lot of grace.

This mindset really played itself out in the kinds of movies and TV shows we could watch.

My parents were very clear that there was some kinds of sex that were bad, and some kinds that were not. Sex in marriage is not bad. It’s always bad to watch explicit sex scenes, of course, but they were much more lenient when it came to letting us watch movies with sexual content between married characters versus between non-married characters. The same way we were allowed to see the violence in The Lord of the Rings, but not in horror movies. In one, it’s good fighting evil; in the other, it’s just evil and terror for terror’s sake.

Now, we never watched super explicit sex scenes in movies. But our family in general had a very clear mindset that “sex is not bad–it’s just sometimes very unhealthy and can cause brokenness if done in the wrong way.” So if my parents had forgotten about a sex scene in a movie, they didn’t freak out. They just apologized, and we continued with the movie. It wasn’t shameful, it wasn’t a scandal, and it wasn’t a big ordeal. It was just another matter-of-fact conversation.

I think the biggest mistake that parents make when it comes to talking about sex with their kids is that they blow it way out of proportion.

Sex is just a part of life. Yes, it’s a very important part of life, but when you make it a bigger deal than it has to be, or get spooked yourself when talking about it, kids can become really uncomfortable. And it makes sex seem shameful. Making sex into a huge, scary monster makes us kids a lot less willing to talk about it openly, or ask you our questions. Because we don’t want our parents to be disappointed in us.

Instead of worrying about it too much or analyzing everything to death, just talk about it. Just be open and honest and give your kids a safe space to come and ask their questions. And they’ll thank you for it in the end.

Thanks, Rebecca!

Now, what do you think? Can you make sex more natural to talk about with your kids? What’s your biggest takeaway? Let’s talk in the comments!

The post Why I’m OK Talking to My Mom About Sex appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

5 Tips for Surviving Marriage to a Quirky Person

What do you do when you’re married to someone completely opposite to yourself?

Obviously none of us marry someone who is exactly identical to ourselves. But what do you do when those differences between you and your spouse start to create a rift? Because often it’s those little quirks that drive us up the wall.

Deb from pricklypeople.com has some great stuff to say about being married to a quirky person. Love her perspective here!

My husband Bruce and I just celebrated our 40th wedding anniversary. We’re perfectly matched, opposite in every possible way. He loves to be early; I’m usually late. He’s orderly; I’m disheveled. I’m an idealist; he sees the glass half empty. I love people; he loves downtime. He likes to say if it weren’t for me, we would never get out of the house. And if it weren’t for him, we would never find our way back.

How about you, are you and your husband different in any way? They say opposites attract, and based on our experience mentoring couples, it’s probably true. So how do you survive living with this quirky person? Here are some tips we’ve learned along the way.

1. Remember Why You Fell in Love

What attracted you to your husband in the first place? Most of us are on our best behavior when we are dating, so we display our wonderful personality strengths or gifts. Each of us is created in the image of God, who has the most perfect, well-rounded personality there ever was. And as God knitted each of us in the womb, He wove in a tiny slice of Jesus-Genius, wonderful gifts that reflect the very best of our Role Model.

Think back to your early days.

Did you love your husband’s wit, or his steadfastness, or his loyalty? Maybe it was his boyish love of fun, or his amazing intellect, or his romantic tendencies.

Your life together may have taken some twists and turns you never expected. Difficulties sometimes bring out the worst in us. But those gifts you were first attracted to are still there, even if they’re buried under the stress and strain of daily living.

If you’ve all but forgotten what first attracted you, now’s the time to change that. Try making a list of all the traits you loved about your husband when you first met him. Keep that list in your Bible or prayer journal, and thank God daily for your husband. Name those traits, one by one, and dwell, as Philippians 4:8 says, on what is true and noble and right and pure and lovely and admirable and excellent and praiseworthy. Resist the temptation to dwell on what is false and dishonorable and wrong and contaminated and ugly and deplorable and of poor quality and unworthy.

2. Embrace His Gifts

Not only did I marry a super-organized man, but I was raised by a perfectionistic mom. I’ve been trying to stay out of trouble all my life! I secretly liked being disorganized, at least I wasn’t uptight and picky! But one day, I just had to come out of the closet.

We were getting dressed in our walk-in closet, and I had just pulled a shirt off a hanger, leaving the hanger right where it was on the rod. My husband piped up, “I know you’re doing that just to annoy me.”

I had no idea what he was talking about. He pointed out his “naked hanger” section in the closet – which I had honestly never noticed before. He explained that when he removed a shirt from its hanger, he placed the naked hanger in the naked hanger section. He had been doing this for many, many years; expecting me to notice and love the idea so much I would follow suite. I didn’t. I hadn’t.

He really thought I was trying to annoy him by leaving my hangers, naked and swinging in the breeze. I couldn’t believe my ears! Now I had a choice. I could leave those naked hangers there on purpose, just to annoy him. After all, I had much more important things to think about than persnickety hanger-habits.

But I was learning about personalities and realized I really could use some organizational help. I decided to lean into him and adapt his naked hanger idea. I can’t tell you how that pleased my hubby. He loves to solve problems and make things organized. And I have an endless assortment of projects for him.

How could you adjust and lean into your husband, adapting to his gifts? What are your areas of weakness? God probably gave you a husband who has a gift that you lack. Can you swallow your pride and learn a little from him?

3. Know His Needs

You probably married someone who is your opposite, at least in some of the personality traits. Each of us has personality strengths, or gifts; weaknesses or garbage; and emotional needs, or “greeds.” There are 40 human emotional needs, and each of us has all of those needs, but they are ranked differently depending on our personality.

Understanding someone’s personality doesn’t tell you everything about that person. But it does tell you enough to improve a relationship. I have a free personality assessment here. After completing the assessment you will receive a resource with more information about the gifts, garbage, and greeds of each personality type. You can take the assessment as many times as you like. So take it once for you and once for your husband. Then compare the results.

Our emotional needs make us quirky at best and prickly at worst. Which emotional need is most compelling for your husband? Can you change your approach and attempt to meet that need? With the naked hanger illustration, my husband was showing me his emotional need to be helpful and acknowledged. When I was willing to adapt his method, he beamed with satisfaction. It always amazes me how quickly people respond when we make the first move and meet one of their needs.

4. Cover his weaknesses.

God created Eve because He said it wasn’t good for man to be alone. In Genesis 2:18 God says, “I will make him a helper suitable for him.” In the Hebrew, the word helper is ezer. It means “one who helps.” So Eve’s role was to help and support Adam.

In some Bible versions, the word ezer is translated as “helpmeet.” This is an old architectural term for a structure that surrounded a column to make it stronger. In a sense, the helpmeet would cover any weaknesses in the column. Together the column and the helpmeet would make a stronger structure than either could be alone.

When we expose our husband’s weaknesses, we not only weaken him, but we put ourselves and our marriage on shaky ground. Our role is to support and cover him, making both of us stronger and more resilient.

In what ways can you cover your husband’s personality weaknesses? Have you divided up your responsibilities according to your gifts? Is there something you are asking your husband to do that he isn’t equipped for? My husband isn’t as outgoing as I am and doesn’t feel as comfortable in social settings. I make sure I stick by his side when we go out and introduce him to people he doesn’t know. He really likes it if we can agree on what time we will leave the party before we get there.

5. Resist Creating a Mini-Me

Contrary to popular thought, the whole world would not be a better place if everyone were more like me. Or you. Our personality gifts enable us to create beautiful art, build strong structures, invent complex machines, raise stable children, write epic stories, have empathetic compassion, and much more. Each personality style is crucial in our society.

Most of us are attracted to someone who is our opposite at least in some personality traits. But when the stress and strain of life gets real, we start to get annoyed by those differences. We start to think that our husband would improve if he were more like us. But think about this for a moment. If your husband were more like you, you would never have fallen in love with him in the first place. As Emerson Eggrichs says, “He’s not wrong…just different.”

Here’s a great visual for embracing that quirky person you married. Look at your hand. Think of the tips of your fingers as your gifts and the spaces in between your fingers as your weaknesses or garbage. Now clasp your hands together, fingers interlaced. If one hand represents you and the other hand represents your husband, you can see how your gifts cover his garbage, and vice versa. The next time his quirkiness starts to irk you, clasp your hands like that and start praying!

Deb Potts is a speaker and author of Making Peace with Prickly People. She loves to equip and encourage others to experience exceptional life in Christ. She and her husband Bruce lead the Marriage Ministries at their church campus. Find out more at http://pricklypeople.com. | Twitter | Facebook | Pinterest |

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The Turning Point in a Marriage

The turning point in marriage is almost always the same: someone makes a conscious decision to change to value and protect their marriage, or someone makes a conscious decision to forsake those values.

It’s all about attitude.

Keith and I are just finished speaking at a FamilyLife Weekend Getaway in Jasper, Alberta.

For those of you who don’t know the area, it’s nestled in the mountains and dotted with glacier fed lakes (I believe) which have such a high mineral content the water is bright green and little algae grows, so it’s crystal clear. And it tends to be smooth as glass, so it looks like a giant mirror. It’s breathtaking.

We spoke this weekend with Ryan and Jenn Walter–such a great couple who were sharing their stories of putting marriage first even in the midst of a busy NHL career (Ryan played hockey for the Canadiens, the Canucks, and in Washington (what’s that team again?). Keith got a picture of his Stanley Cup ring to show his brothers.

Most of the weekend is taken up by talks, but throughout the talks we have little mini-projects the couples can do together–something to talk about for 3-5 minutes to help them start to “own” the material. And we have bigger projects interspersed between the talks, because we firmly believe that people make changes not because they hear something great, but because they actually start to talk about the material and own it.

So we don’t get a ton of time to speak to the couples individually (and we’re not there to counsel anyway; that wouldn’t be possible in a short weekend). But still, you learn a lot of stories. The couple going through financial hardships, miscarriages, or cancer; there are always some struggling with the aftereffects of infidelity or porn. And then there are those who are just there for a check-up, to make sure everything is on good footing. I love that. I think if more couples went when things were good, then there would be fewer crises!

But in sharing, we always talk about what the turning points in our marriage were. Some of those turning points were big–I share in 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage that for the first few years of our marriage sex was just plain difficult. It hurt and it was awkward and I didn’t know why he wanted it so much and I felt totally cheated. It was only when my attitude changed, and I realized that if God made sex to be this great, then I had better figure it out, because why would I want to miss out on that? And I stopped blaming Keith and started trying to do what I could.

Related Post: How Thoughts Can Change a Marriage

And some of our turning points weren’t as huge, but were still important. Like when we realized that Keith’s job and my job weren’t working together. He was working in a different city, and we weren’t seeing each other enough, and even though we both loved our jobs, we couldn’t go on like that. So he made the most amazing sacrifice and went part-time so that we could be on the road together. And he works mostly in our home town now. But we kept our eyes on what was most important.

Related Post: Why We Grew Apart

Then, of course, there was the conscious decision to cling to each other after our son died. We had already lost him; we didn’t want to lose each other, too.

We end the weekend showing this video. It really packs an emotional punch, and I think it’s because as we watch it, we realize that’s what we want: to know that we made it; that we’re still together after all of those years; that we have all of these memories together, and we’ve built something beautiful.

And once you know that’s what you’re aiming for, then it’s easier to ask the question: is the road that we’re on now actually going to get us there? Or do we need a turning point?

I was thinking of all of the turning points in my marriage, and I thought today, instead of posting a reader question, I would ask you all one:

What was the big turning point in your marriage? Was there a time that you knew you needed to make a change in order to achieve that oneness that you really wanted?

I know so many of you read this blog, but don’t comment. That’s perfectly okay; I love you being here! But I want to invite people specifically to comment today. It’s often hearing people’s stories that is so encouraging. It’s knowing that other people have walked through this, but they have come out on the other side. Can you share your story today? Let’s encourage each other!

The post The Turning Point in a Marriage appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

The Only Way to Defeat Sexual Shame

Do you struggle with sexual shame?

This week we’ve been focusing on libido. I talked about how to get over sexual shame and feel some sexual confidence; we looked at how to feel confident in our bodies; and then there was such an insightful post by Jay Dee on the two different kinds of arousal that can clear up so many libido struggles for women!

Now, every Friday I like to write a short inspirational marriage piece to give you one thought to take with you for the weekend. And today I want to revisit the question that I answered on Monday from a different angle and talk about something really crucial to understand: sexual shame can be defeated. But it can only be defeated by truth.

Sheila’s Marriage Moment: The Only Way to Defeat Sexual Shame

Many of us struggle with sexual shame, whether it’s because of something horrible like sexual abuse or assault; something potentially degrading like sexual promiscuity; or something nefarious like growing up in a home where sex was seen as something dirty.

One woman wrote to me:

I grew up with family members who, frankly, made sex seem bad and dirty–“sex is naughty” / “sex is only something to keep your husband happy” / “I can’t imagine you being able to have sex because you’re too nice”–etc. How do I get over the shame and embrace sex?

Whenever we’re dealing with shame, be it sexual shame or shame of any sort, there is no magic answer on how to fight it, except for this: shame can only be defeated by replacing it with truth.

Shame is a lie.

Shame says, “there is something intrinsically bad about you.”

Sexual shame is a lie. It says there's something wrong with how you were made. Here's truth:
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In the sexual realm, shame says that sexuality, which is at the core of our identity, is somehow wrong, as if we were created with a huge gaping mistake. In other areas, shame may tell us, “you’re no good. No one will ever love you. You are a failure.”

Those voices are common. They are loud. But they are also lies.

When Satan tried to tempt Jesus with lies, Jesus fought back by quoting Truth. And we need to do the same thing.

Here’s how: think back to the root of the shame. Try to focus on a specific memory or memories of when you first believed that lie. Look at that little girl (or that woman) in that memory. What is she feeling? Now think about this: what is the truth in that situation? 

It’s even a good idea to get a piece of paper with three columns: the memory; the feelings; and the truth. If you can’t think of what’s actually true, because you can’t see clearly, ask a friend to pray through it with you. What is God saying to that little girl, or that woman, in that situation? What is His heart here?

Once you have a list of truths, then every time those negative feelings start up, practice saying the truth to yourself. That’s what Paul talks about in 2 Corinthians 10:5:

We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.

When you experience shame, that is setting itself up against your knowledge of God. That is stealing from you the vision of who He created you to be. And to fight against it, we have to take captive those feelings and thoughts that are lies, and deliberately replace them.

That’s the route to a shame-less life, and that’s what God wants for you!

We CAN defeat sexual shame--by replacing the lies at the root of the shame with Truth.
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Need more help replacing lies with truth? I’ve got a post on 10 amazing things about how God made sex and 10 positive things to tell yourself about sex that may be of use.

 

What’s #1 at To Love, Honor and Vacuum?

Check out this week’s top posts full of awesome tips and ideas on ways you can spend quality time with your husband!

#1 Post on the Blog: 10 ways To Love Your Body–And Want To Share It With Your Husband!

#3  on the Blog Overall: 50 Most Important Bible Verses To Memorize

#1 from Facebook: Kissing In Marriage: Top 10 Kisses Every Marriage Needs

#1 from Pinterest: An Awesome List Of 79 Hobbies To Do With Your Spouse

 

It’s Rebecca here!

As some of you know, I’m Sheila’s daughter and have been working as a virtual assistant/gofer for TLHV for the last few months. Usually my mom writes a little update down here, but she’s away in Alberta on a speaking tour right now! So between all the driving and the jet lag she’s taking a break from the update today.

Do you live in Alberta? Check out Sheila’s tour dates to see if she’s coming to a church in your neighbourhood!

The post The Only Way to Defeat Sexual Shame appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

I’m Here to Answer a Whole Bunch of Sex Questions Today!

Women have a lot of questions about sex!

I’m in the middle of a “Girl Talk” tour in Northern Alberta right now. In many ways it’s been a comedy of errors–our luggage didn’t arrive; we had a car reservation to pick up at the Grande Prairie airport, but the car rental agency decided to close early that day; the publisher didn’t send the books on time, even though we double checked, so I had no copies of The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex with me. We rented an apartment to stay in in Dawson Creek, in northern British Columbia, and it had no heat except space heaters. Etc. etc. etc. And that’s only the beginning!

But the events themselves have been great. In my Girl Talk, I spend the first half talking about why God made sex the way He did, even with all the tension that it often causes in a relationship. Then after the break we start with a 20 minute anonymous Q&A, before I talk about how to make sex great physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

And usually I get about 1 question for every 15 women at an event.

But the other night I had almost a 1:3 ratio!

People had a LOT of questions. And I only got through so many that night.

So I’d like to take the post today and just give some answers to some of the questions I couldn’t get to.

I’m going to give some quick thoughts, and then link you to other blog posts I’ve already written:

Sheila Gregoire--the 'Christian sex lady'--answers a ton of sex questions:
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I haven’t had an orgasm in 3 years. At what point do I go to see a counsellor?

That’s a tough one, because so much depends on the context! If you were orgasmic before, and then it just stopped, just make sure that it’s not due to hormonal changes. It’s quite common to go from being really orgasmic in your late thirties, early forties, for instance, and then starting to have trouble in your late forties or early fifties as perimenopause or menopause sets in. It doesn’t mean that you can’t be orgasmic again. But if you and your husband are used to “foreplay for 5 minutes and then intercourse, and that usually works!”, and all of a sudden it doesn’t, then you may think that there’s something wrong with the relationship or with your psyche, when it could just be that you need more foreplay and longer to relax.

And sometimes if you keep having sex and he’s having a good time and you’re just not, you can start to feel really resentful and then not even try anymore.

So can you have an orgasm if he manually stimulates you? Can you have one if you spend longer on foreplay?

Or is it really that you just can’t get aroused at all anymore? That may be a sign of depression as well.

If you don’t feel like it’s a hormonal problem, then seeing a counsellor is likely a good idea. But spend some time first trying just to touch each other and not have intercourse, and see if your body can respond.

How important is it to learn “new tricks” or new positions further into the marriage journey?

Okay, here’s what I think in a nutshell: Think of three kinds of sex: your snack (a quickie); your main course (your “regular” encounters); and your banquet (the few times that you spend a long time and have a sexual extravaganza).

Every marriage should have a mixture. But I don’t mean that it has to be evenly distributed; maybe you only have a banquet once or twice a year; or maybe you have quickies several times a week. It’s really up to you as a couple. And many couples are perfectly happy with the old faithful main course, and they feel great, and they like being together, and that’s all fine.

But I do think that having a special time, at least occasionally, is good for a marriage. And trying some new positions or using a lot of massage oils or whatever–just make some great memories! One of my favourite books for new positions is the Sock Monkey Kama Sutra, which is funny, and which uses sock puppets, so there are no questionable drawings or pictures of people.

Is oral sex okay?

Yes, it really is! I think a good case can be made that Song of Solomon 2:3 refers to oral sex:

As the apple tree among the trees of the wood, so is my beloved among the sons. I sat down under his shadow with great delight, and his fruit was sweet to my taste.

That being said, I also believe that 1 Corinthians 7:3-5 clearly shows that sex in marriage is to be completely mutual. If someone just can’t perform oral sex for whatever reason, I think that grace says that’s okay. Just make the things you do find okay as fun as possible! And if it’s not that you CAN’T, but that you just don’t particularly like it, then you can use the His/Hers night idea, where one Saturday a month you do what he wants, one Saturday a month you do what she wants, and all the other nights that you make love are completely mutual.

I have a lot of tips for how to spice things up, and how to flirt more, become more affectionate, and start talking about sex more, in my book 31 Days to Great Sex. Pretty much all of these questions can be covered there. If you haven’t seen it yet, it’s a series of challenges that you do with your husband, to help you grow the physical, emotional, and spiritual aspects of sex in your marriage. And it’s super fun–and inexpensive!

Is masturbation wrong?

Here’s my take on masturbation in marriage.

What are some tips for keeping sex alive when you have young kids and you’re short on time and tired?

I think the key thing is, once the babies are old enough, get a super good bedtime routine going so that you can reclaim the evenings to yourselves! You so desperately need that. I know it can be hard to get kids to settle well, but ask your pediatrician for some tips, or ask some moms who are older that you who had to get their kids to sleep, because there’s nothing that will do your marriage as much good as getting some sleep again!

I’ve also written 17 tips for keeping sex alive once you have kids.

Here I am with the basket of questions!
How do you get yourself “into it” when you know you should be “into it” but you’re really NOT “into it”?

Start preparing yourself during the day! And don’t ASK your body, “do you feel like it tonight?” TELL your body, “we deserve this! We had a hard day. We deserve to have some fun and feel close to the hubby! We’re going to get it on and have some fun!”

It can help to tell yourself positive things about sex, too! And finally, it’s good to understand how libido works for women, because it’s not as obvious as it may seem.

Why do men want a nap after afternoon sex while women can get up and get things done?

I can tell there’s some frustration behind this! When you reach orgasm, you release calming hormones and you feel super relaxed. That’s why people tend to sleep better after they have sex. So it’s quite common that men may want to nap after afternoon sex. Likely if you let yourself, you’d want to nap, too. The difference is that you feel like there are too many things to get done!

So you really have three choices: take a nap with him and let the stuff fall on the backburner; let him nap and you get up and do stuff, realizing that that is your choice to get up; or talk to him about it and say, “I’d love to make love right now, but we still need to get X and Y done this afternoon. So we can have sex, but then can you help me do X and Y?” Just ask him for help. But don’t get angry at him for napping if you haven’t made it clear that you’d like him to do something else!

What about medication or health/medical issues or surgeries that may prevent “good sex”? Is there a way to enjoy it and not just be frustrated?

That’s such a hard road to walk through in marriage! I would say that getting as healthy as possible is so important, and many health issues can be solved with better diet and exercise, and truly understanding about “gut health”. However, that won’t do anything for arthritis or for some surgeries or injuries or the effects of some cancer.

Big picture ideas: keep talking about. Too often people run away from sex when it can’t be perfect anymore, and you need the intimacy. Think of sex as being more than just intercourse; spend time together naked in the bathtub, give lots of massages, touch each other. And here are a few posts on sex with disability or sexual options besides intercourse.

How do you go from having sex before marriage to waiting for marriage?

With great difficulty! But it can be done. It starts with understanding why God wants us to wait for marriage. And then it comes from asking other people to pray for you and give you some accountability. And then you stop putting yourself in the position where it’s more likely to happen. Oh, and have a shorter engagement! What if your boyfriend doesn’t agree? Some thoughts on how to stop having sex with your boyfriend.

How do we change our minds when we grow up thinking sex is bad, and then it’s okay when we get married?

Tell yourself the truth about sex! Day 2 in my book 31 Days to Great Sex is all about confronting the lies that we believe about sex (including sex being a bad or shameful thing). It’s a great book to work through to see sex in a different way, and the ebook version is only $4.99 (I deliberately keep it cheap to help as many people as possible; it’s a full size book!)

Check it out here.

Other posts that may help:

10 Positive Things to Tell Yourself About Sex

10 Amazing Things About How God Made Sex

Does the ends justify the means? For a woman, as you said, it can be hard to acheive orgasm, so should a woman feel bad for being creative than the biblical sense of procreation?

Oh, honey, absolutely not! And I’m sorry that you grew up feeling this way. The Bible does NOT say that the only purpose of sex is procreation. It really doesn’t. Song of Solomon is all about the wonderful, sensual pleasures of sex. And 1 Corinthians 7:3-5 very clearly talks about how our sex drives are a good thing, and how we should enjoy a great sex life with our mates. If you’re struggling with feeling guilty over wanting to enjoy sex for its physical pleasures, then read those posts I linked to in the question right above–and DEFINITELY get 31 Days to Great Sex which can help take you through, step by step, a process where you can see that the physical pleasure of sex is a good thing, and that it actually enhances intimacy.

Is there something wrong with me or my husband if my husband doesn’t ejaculate most of the time?

Yeah, that’s definitely not normal. It could be a medical issue (which should definitely be looked at). It could be an issue where his sexual response has been so paired with pornography or other fantasy that he has difficulty performing with his wife; it could be some psychological issues or some sexual orientation issues.

I have a post on 10 sexual red flags in marriage that shouldn’t be ignored, along with some tips on how to deal with them, and I’d put this in that category.

What would you consider a normal frequency for sex?

Well, normal or healthy? I can tell you that in my surveys for The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, about 42% of women reported making love less than once a week. But those who were happiest in their marriages made love more like twice a week.

I can’t tell you what a good frequency is, though, because so much depends on work schedules and the ages of your kids, etc. But I would say this: I think we need to get over trying to figure out what the minimum we can get away with is, and start seeing sex in a really positive way as a way to relax, express love for our husband, feel really close to him, and have all kinds of benefits. Let’s make our default “yes” rather than “no”! And here’s my pep talk on sex frequency.

What approaches/strategies/techniques do you suggest to enable us to understand our body’s responsiveness better? To know what works, what we like or don’t like?

I’ve got a bunch of exercises in 31 Days to Great Sex that can help with that!

What encouragement do you have for a woman whose libido is stronger than her husband’s and feels like she’s a freak or embarrassed by her needs.

You are not alone! And you were created with a sexual drive. This is natural and normal. God wants us to experience and understand passion and intimacy.

A few quick thoughts: Get to the root of the problem if his libido is super-low. Make sure it’s not something that needs to seriously be addressed. Consider scheduling sex. It may not seem romantic, but once you get into a routine where sex is more regular, sometimes his libido picks up and you find things easier to deal with because you know that sex will be coming. Finally, embrace exercise or get a great project to do or a hobby you love–just something where you can transfer your energy to make it easier to live with desires that aren’t met.

Hope those help! And remember to check out my round-up of specific marriage advice with lots of links based on sex and marriage topic.

Read the types of sex questions I get during our anonymous Q&A at my Girl Talk:
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So as you can see, people ask about EVERYTHING during my Girl Talk. It really is a fun evening!

And I’ll be bringing Girl Talk to California/Arizona/Texas in January, and to Texas/Colorado and then into Minnesota, Michigan, and Ontario in April/May. If your church may be interested, just email Tammy! It’s a great night where people laugh, get some great information, and learn what real intimacy looks like.

Today Tammy and I head to the Edmonton airport to pick up Keith, who is flying in to do a FamilyLife Weekend Getaway with me in Jasper. Looking forward to seeing my hubby again!

31 Days to Great Sex is here (only $4.99!) It's the best $5 you'll ever spend on your marriage!

Learn to talk more, flirt more, and even explore more! You'll work on how to connect emotionally, spiritually, AND physically.

Find out more To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

Where Did My Sex Drive Go?

This week we’re talking about libido. And an all-too-common problem for women is, “Help! I don’t think I have a libido at all!”

Listen to this question sent in from a reader, and see if it reminds you of yourself at all:

I have been married for a little over 10 months now and I feel like sex has been the hardest thing in our marriage. I often don’t want to do it, mostly when he initiates. After I spent time fighting it, I would feel terrible for not giving in to his desires. I love my husband so much, but my first reaction was always to shut down. Now, he doesn’t really ever initiate and I don’t feel like we are making love as often as we should. I feel like I have hurt him in some way. I know sex it good and fun, but how do I convince myself I want it?

First off, I just want to say how encouraging it is that this reader DOES have healthy beliefs about sex! Even though she doesn’t want it herself, she knows that it’s good and it’s fun, so there needs to be some change. Love that!

Of course, for many women, the situation is flipped and it’s their husbands who don’t have a sex drive anymore. If that’s you, I encourage you to read this post, or this one. 

Today, though, I’m going to let Jay Dee from Uncovering Intimacy answer this reader’s question. He’s got some great stuff to say on this!

Many women are disappointed and confused about what happened to their sex drive. Maybe that’s you. In the beginning of your relationship, your sex drive seemed higher, seems healthier. Perhaps you were more easily aroused and were able to achieve orgasm quicker.

Now, it’s a few years into your marriage. Perhaps you have children, and your sex drive seems to be … well, gone, if not severely diminished.

But it’s not even that you don’t like sex!

About 50% of the wives in one of my surveys said they’d like to have more sex. Another 45% were happy with how much they were having. It’s not that sex isn’t good enough either. About 70% report that they’re happy with the quality of sex.

So, what’s going on with your sex drive? Where did it go?

To answer that, we need to hit a few topics. This post will not be an in depth discussion of them, but rather a primer so that you can learn more. If you want more on these topics, I’ve packaged four articles on these topics into a free ebook just for readers of this post that you can download here!

What we call “sex drive” is actually a combination of many different mechanisms working together. These days I’m hesitant to use the phrase “sex drive”, because it’s so misleading. I’d much rather husbands and wives understand the parts that we call “sex drive”.

So, let’s disassemble your “sex drive” so you can understand it.

Arousal non-concordance

That’s the technical term for when your body’s arousal and your mental arousal don’t match up. Many women who find out about this think “I thought I was the only one!”

In women, there is, on average, about a 10% overlap between physical and mental arousal. What does this mean? Just because your body is ready for sex, doesn’t mean your mind is. Or visa-versa. Even when you’re in a sexual context, only one in ten times are your body and mind going to agree to want to have sex.

Does that sound familiar?

This happens in our marriage all the time. It’s Friday night (almost guaranteed sex night). Our five children are all asleep. My wife managed to have a nap earlier, so she’s rested. We get to bed early. Kissing ensues, then foreplay … and then my wife says “I’m not really into this tonight”.

Maybe that’s happened to you. Mentally you’re there, but nothing’s feeling right. Maybe you’re just not “wet” and you figure that means you’re not “really” into it.

The truth is, your body has just decided not to get aroused. It’s not in sync with your mental arousal. Thank you arousal non-concordance.

So, what do you do about this?

Recognize that there are two types of arousal: mental and physical. Often they don’t match up. Realize that one is not more important than the other. Our culture has spread the lie that if a woman is wet, then she’s turned on. That’s not true. Your body can self-lubricate in a lot of circumstances where you would not be mentally aroused at all.

The flip-side is true as well. Just because you don’t get wet with your husband, doesn’t mean you don’t want to have sex. It doesn’t mean you aren’t “really” aroused. It just means … arousal non-concordance.

Responsive vs spontaneous desire

Men tend to have a more spontaneous desire drive. That is, they want sex often, seemingly randomly, and are ready for it even more often. For women, that doesn’t happen as much. They tend to have more responsive desire.

What is responsive desire?

Well, it’s when something sexual is happening, and you start thinking “Do I want this to happen?” If you let it continue, most of the time your body and mind will sync up. You’ll realize “Yeah, this isn’t bad, in fact, it’s really good, I do want this!” You didn’t before, but now you do. That is responsive desire.

Unfortunately, our media doesn’t tell us about this. We’re led to believe that people are spontaneously interested in sex with each other. It just happens. We are implicitly taught that if we don’t want sex right then and there, then we don’t “really” want sex.

This is not true. In fact, 30% of women will never experience spontaneous desire. You are far more likely to experience responsive desire on a regular basis.

So, what do you do about this?

Give it time to work. Most of the time your body and mind will sync up. Not always, but most of the time. A few minutes into foreplay you may realize “That feels good. I do want sex!”

My wife is all responsive desire. In our 15 year marriage, I can count on one hand, with fingers left over, the number of times she has spontaneously wanted sex. In fact, she’s said often, “Let’s just start, I’ll catch up”. By which she means, let’s start having sex, and she’ll get aroused.

Change your expectation from thinking you need a desire to have sex, to instead having an attitude of being willing to have sex. You’ll find that your sex drive isn’t gone … it’s just not what you expected.

The dual control model

Here’s the last piece we’ll talk about today. The dual control model. There is a part of your brain, that controls when you want to have sex. It’s sort of split in half, though the ratio changes. You’ll see what I mean in a minute.

Imagine your mental arousal as a car. The two halves are sort of like the “gas” pedal and “brake” pedal. Just like in a car, if you want to go anywhere, the best way is to push the gas pedal while releasing the brake pedal. You can drive with the brake pedal on, but you aren’t going to get anywhere quickly. You may still get there, but it will be a bit frustrating.

Things that hit your gas pedal might be:

A good relationship
You lost 20 lbs
You just watched a romantic comedy
You’re celebrating your anniversary
You’re in your bedroom alone with your husband

Or a billion other things that make you feel that sex is a good thing right now.

Things that hit the brake pedal might be:

You have an unresolved conflict in your marriage
Body image issues
You’re tired
Anxiety
Being in public

Or a billion other things that make you feel that sex is not a good thing right now.

Each pedal has it’s own sensitivity. Men tend to have a more sensitive gas pedal and a less sensitive brake pedal. You, as a woman, are more likely to have a more sensitive brake pedal and less sensitive gas pedal.

Then there’s stress.

Stress does an interesting thing. For about 90% of people, stress makes the brake pedal bigger and the gas pedal smaller. In fact, when you are completely stressed out, everything is a “brake” pedal trigger. Your husband hugging you might normally arouse you. If you’re stressed to the limit, it will just make you want to push him away. Everything becomes a “brake” trigger.

For the other 10% of people, stress makes everything a gas pedal. I’m like that. Sex makes me feel relaxed, so the more stressed I am, the more I want sex. My wife is part of the 90%, so you can imagine how it goes when we’re both stressed…

Our culture has fed us another lie here.

It told us that if you want to be more aroused, you need to hit the gas pedal. Look at Cosmo magazines, they’re all about hitting the gas pedal. Try it somewhere new, a new position, handcuffs, sex games, whipped cream, etc.. Don’t get me wrong, those can be fun, but if your brake pedal is on the floor, all you’re going to do is spin your tires.

For many women, the question of “Where did my sex drive go” is not a question of drive. The engine is fine … you just have the brakes on.

So, what do you do about this?

Recognize that your sex drive is just fine. You just have to start letting go of the brake. That may mean reducing stress in your life. It might mean fixing the relationship issues. It might mean cleaning the house, or at least the bedroom. It might mean dealing with some body image issues.

Whatever your brakes are, most likely that’s where you should spend your energy.

Where did your sex drive go?

It didn’t go anywhere. It’s just not what you thought it was! It’s sometimes not in sync (arousal non-concordance). It’s probably not spontaneous, but rather responsive. You also might have your foot on the brake pedal.

All these things are normal, and even healthy. You need to address the triggers that hit your brake, but having a working brake is a good and healthy thing.

Your sex drive is doing just as it should be. You just need to understand how it works to get it moving.

Jay Dee is a Christian marriage educator who has a passion for helping couples create intimacy in all areas of marriage. His blog, UncoveringIntimacy.com, is known for addressing difficult questions regarding Christian marriage, especially regarding married, sexuality from a Christian perspective.

The post Where Did My Sex Drive Go? appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

10 Ways to Love Your Body–and Want to Share it With Your Husband!

Can how we see our bodies affect our sex lives more than how our bodies actually look?

For women, I’ve said again and again: our brains are our biggest sex organ. And what often gets in the way of our sex drive is the way we think about our bodies. When we start believing all these lies about how we should look, we are focusing on only the physical. And sex starts feeling more like a chore than anything else!

That’s why I’m so excited to have Jackie on the blog today! She’s talking about how to boost your libido by simply changing some of these ways we think. I love how she ties all this back to God so well!

Here’s Jackie!

My husband and I recently returned from a military marriage retreat led by one of his favorite pastors, who walked us through the Song of Solomon as a guide to flourishing marriage.

A big theme was the delight of the woman’s body to the man, and how she was to be encouraged to trust him and share it.

A lovely concept, but I knew from my own story that there was so much more to it than that.

And sure enough, during an anonymous Q&A session, a woman asked what to do if her body was no longer viewed as lovely and delightful by herself or her husband.

The pastor gave the best answer he could, but my stomach turned, because I desperately wanted to find that woman and tell her everything I have learned over the past decade.

You see, for years I detested the very topic of sex.

Innocent little jokes would shut me down into an internal rage, and I had vowed to never share my body with any man.

What I didn’t realize was that this was a wound combining two of Satan’s favorite playgrounds – how we care for our physical bodies, and sex. And both centered around the target of the female body – arguably God’s greatest masterpiece, and the focus of so many of Satan’s lies.

A long journey of studying, prayer, tears, and healing led me to a place where I loved my body as it was, and cared for it into being well.

And what I realized along the way was that one of the greatest reasons for my anger toward sex was what I now call body shame.

How could I even begin to want to joyfully share my body with a husband when I loathed it myself?

I now coach women who struggle with libido issues through one of the first shifts toward loving and craving sex in a godly way: body stewardship.

Body stewardship is a massive topic, but I’ll break it down here into five key realizations, and five key practices, that will set you on the to path to loving your body and wanting to share it!

There are 5 key things to understand:
1. Your body belongs to God

This is body stewardship: the reality that God created our bodies, and bought them back for His purposes and use when Christ died for us on the cross. (1 Corinthians 6:19-20)

This truth insists that we stop bashing and mistreating the bodies that have been placed in our care, and figure out how to think of them and treat them in a way that honors God.

2. We are designed to crave glorified bodies 

Our bodies will be redeemed and perfected when Christ comes to make everything as it should be (Philippians 3:20-21). Somewhere, deep down in our design, we know this, and even nonbelievers long for this glorification and are drawn to tastes of it in culture.

If you’ve ever wondered why there is such an obsession with perfected, literally airbrushed bodies, I believe it is this: we have this unquenchable hope and craving for the way things should be, and will be.

We are trying to teach people to be satisfied with imperfect bodies with the argument that this is what is normal and natural. And it is what is normal and natural – this side of heaven, in a broken world.

But we were not designed for this world – we were designed for the kingdom that is coming, and in that kingdom, our bodies will be glorified, and we will be attractive. (Zechariah 9:17)

What do you do with this realization? Have awareness of where the these cravings for an ideal body are coming from, and grace toward yourself both for wanting it, and not being able to achieve it yet.

3. The female body represents salvation, and is one of Satan’s top targets 

Oh, this is a biggie. Think with me for a second through some of the steps of salvation: we accept in something which we cannot produce ourselves – in this case, salvation and grace from God through Christ – and by welcoming it and receiving it into ourselves, new life is birthed in us and out into the world.

This is also the act of sex and conception from the female perspective, isn’t it?

Of course Satan would target the receptiveness and life-giving power of the female body – it’s a powerful metaphor for the salvation he is trying to keep people from. 

4. God gave YOU sex as a gift

Sex is so often presented as something made for men that women have to tolerate, but this could not be farther from the truth.

Not to go into frank anatomy, but there are some design features on the female body that make it pretty obvious that God wants women to enjoy sex – possibly even more than men!

If you have no idea what I’m talking about, please reach out to me and we can go into more detail in a girls-only space!

5. Body Shame is tricky – and crippling

So, why is this all so hard? Let’s take it back to Genesis.

One of the first effects of the fall was that Adam and Eve hid their bodies – from God, from themselves, and from each other. (Genesis 3:7)

They were ashamed of their naked bodies, and ever since, our intimate relationships with our Creator and with our spouses have been plagued with insecurities and distance.

Christ has taken our shame away, but it takes practice to live that truth out. So when negative thoughts about your body hit, show yourself some grace: these insecurities are one of the foundational effects of original sin.

Now that we’ve got those down, here are 5 things to do: 
1. Reclaim your body

I’m sure I don’t have to tell you that the world has a million messages about what the female body is for, and little of it is Biblically true or in our best interest.

Everything from being pressured to look like Barbie, to being the target of brutal attacks and abuse – the female body is often at the heart of some of society’s greatest tragedies.

So what’s a girl to do?

The best way to cope in such unfriendly territory is to reclaim your body as Christ’s and see it through the lens of the Gospel: loved unconditionally exactly as it is, and deeply wanted. And, capable of incredible good works in the world through a lifelong process of sanctification.

2. Set a Vision

When you feel miles away from the body you long for, having a vision – perhaps for the next few months, perhaps for your ultimate goals, or perhaps a mix of both – of what you want and feel called to create with your body can keep you going and focused.

Whether it’s pictures of fit and joyful women on your vision board, or following some wellness gurus on your Instagram, find specific things that will motivate you when discouragement or complacency hits.

3. Cultural Detox

In order to set and stick to a compelling vision without having body shame kick in, it can be helpful to cut out the junk in your media diet for a while.

Movies, magazines, music and TV shows – as well as some social media – that sends you into a spiral of comparison, anger, or inadequacy is better left alone while you work on healing your heart and body.

4. Purify your foods

I lead a group of women through an ongoing ‘Pure Eating Challenge’ because we have been so trained to avoid fats, count calories, and eat in a restrict-then-binge cycle that it’s hard to know what to eat at all!

Pure eating is an art form, and consists of transitioning to natural sweeteners like stevia that don’t throw off our hunger hormones, and eating God-created foods in single-ingredient form as close to the way they were made as we can.

This can actually be shockingly tasty, and the energy, weight loss, and stable hunger and moods it creates only makes the process easier as you go along.

If you’re interested in joining us for one of our pure eating challenges, let me know and I’ll send you all the details.

5. Move in a way you love

Like food, when we start to workout as part of a body stewardship plan, we can throw ourselves into an aggressive, all-or-nothing plan based on someone else’s suggestions that don’t suit our body. The result? We rarely maintain it.

The solution? Figure out what kind of movement you love, and that suits your body’s current needs, and ease it into your life in a way that doesn’t so disrupt your schedule that it gets pushed aside.

If you take one thing away from this post (ok, two things!) please, gorgeous and beloved one, let it be this:

One, God adores your body! (Remember, it’s His!) He cares about it, has His eye on it, and will protect it if you stay in His will.

And two, you have what it takes to step into a wellness that frees you from shame, inspires others, and makes you…well, want to tell your husband to get home early tonight!

Reader Question: I Still Freeze Up About Sex Because of Shame

How do you have great sex if you grew up feeling ashamed of sex?

Every Monday I like to tackle a reader question, and this week on To Love, Honor and Vacuum I want to talk about boosting our libido. To start the week off, though, I thought I’d continue a conversation we started last week about sexual confidence and shame, since it’s a good bridge to libido. Here’s a recent question I received:

I’ve been married six years, but the one thing I still struggle with is confidence in intimacy. I grew up with family members (predominately my older sister) who, frankly, made sex seem bad and dirty. My mother  tried to raise us according to Bill Gothard/Doug Phillips-type principles, if that helps explain anything (principles which I have now all but rejected). So, your writing has really helped me gain a healthier and holier view of sex than what I thought it was.

I had been having sex with my husband almost as a separate person- I guess maybe I subconsciously felt like in order to keep myself “myself,” I couldn’t enjoy sex as ME- so I would practically pretend I was someone else in order to be able to really enjoy sex. Now, I’m beginning to understand that the role my sister (and my mom) carved out for me to play is not one I have to step into anymore, and I’m learning to take responsibility for my own happiness with my husband and denounce the lies told to me (“sex is naughty” / “sex is only something to keep your husband happy” / “I can’t imagine you being able to have sex because you’re too nice” etc). So that being said, I am pretty hungry for any confidence boosters in intimacy and being myself and present, during intimacy.

Great question! And you can’t know how HAPPY it makes me that some of my writing is really helping women in this situation. I feel so much for women who are growing up in extreme purity culture where they’re taught that sex is shameful. We talked about that a bit during the Josh Duggar scandals, too. So Yay for coming out of the evil (for it is evil) lies of the Gothard movement and back into grace!

But now what do we do practically? I talked last Thursday about what sexual confidence looks like; today I want to talk about how practically to achieve it.

Did you grow up in a culture which made you ashamed of sex? 6 strategies to overcome it!
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What to do to Become More Sexually Confident–and Stop Feeling Ashamed of Sex

1. Replace lies with truth–and tell them to yourself!

You grew up in a world of sexual lies:

sex is naughty
sex is only something to keep your husband happy
I can’t imagine you being able to have sex because you’re too nice

That’s what your brain automatically says to you about sex.

We’re told over and over again in Scripture to challenge the thoughts that come into our heads. Indeed, my latest book, 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage, is all about how thinking differently can change everything.

But this is a discipline!

So write down 5 truths about sex that you want to believe. Put them in your Bible (of all places!) or in your bedside table to remind yourself. Write them in the notes section in your phone. Somewhere where it’s handy. And then, when one of those “shameful sex” messages comes into your head, pull out a different message. Here are some examples:

God created me as a sexual being to enjoy sex
God created sex to be great physically and spiritually, all at the same time
God made me with a body that wants to respond to my husband sexually
God wants me to experience sexual pleasure
When I feel “in the mood”, that makes my husband happy, me happy, and God happy (because I’m growing my marriage and having fun!)

You can likely think of others that have more to do with your specific situation, like perhaps ones about body image. I’ve got 10 truths about how God made sex to be amazing here, that may help, or some truths about sexual confidence. Choose whichever ones speak to you the most! But write them down. Please. Don’t just decide you’re going to think good thoughts; plan what thoughts specifically you’re going to think. And then keep thinking them whenever those negative thoughts come!

2. Buy some pretty lingerie that makes you feel powerful

I’m a big believer that a matching panty and bra set can make you feel so much sexier! It just plain looks pretty, and when we feel as if look pretty, then our confidence increases tenfold. And for women who grow up feeling shame about our bodies, to be able to show off our bodies to our husbands in a way that’s special can give you that confidence you need.

I’ve spoken to so many women who can barely get undressed in front of their husbands, or who always have to have the lights off. If that’s you, then try the pretty underwear route. It may be easier for you than getting completely naked, and you’ll see that he really does enjoy it!

3. Take longer to relax before sex

Sex is likely a trigger for you to tense up and retreat into your brain–like this letter writer says, she has to feel separate from herself to enjoy sex.

That means that sex is stressful, because you have to be on edge to do it “right”.

That’s why it’s so important to be really relaxed before you start to make love. When you’re relaxed, and your brain isn’t thinking about a million things, and you’re able to concentrate on how much you love your husband, then these lies and the defense mechanisms you’ve built up to retreat are less likely to kick in.

So spend some time before you make love having a bath together, massaging each other, whatever it may be. Enjoy being naked and intimate together, and it will make that urge to flee much weaker. And, if you can, pray together! The more spiritually intimate we feel, the more sexual desire is fuelled. And then it really does feel “pure”, because it’s so linked to how vulnerable and open we are with each other.

4. Practice speaking out loud

A big part of defeating shame is to speak your truth out loud. That’s such a big part of confidence–to voice the things that are actually in your head.

So try this as a dare for yourself: at least once, every time you make love, just tell your husband what feels good or what you like. That’s it. Just start validating the fact that you’re supposed to feel good, and you’re not only allowed to have sexual desires–it’s a good thing!

5. Play a game to help you show what you want

Have difficulty speaking things out loud, though? Sometimes turning it into a game can help. The problem with just speaking things out loud is that it’s very vulnerable. But if it’s a game, where you’re simply supposed to, in a strange way it takes the pressure off. So one thing you can do is to set a timer to run every two minutes, and when the chime goes off, you have to point to where you want your husband to touch. Or you have to speak one thing out loud you want him to do.

Another game is to play “teacher”. Take 10 minutes and during that time you have to order him around, showing him what to do. Then you can reverse roles, as well, so it’s not all on you. But that way it frees you up to express your desires without feeling quite as vulnerable.

If you grew up ashamed of sex, you can overcome it in your marriage! 6 strategies:
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 6. Work through 31 Days to Great Sex

Finally, I wrote 31 Days to Great Sex especially–though not only–for women in this situation: women who have a hard time enjoying sex for all it can be and feeling good about sex. It’s also great for couples who have simply gotten into a rut and want to make sex feel special again, but a lot of the exercises are really perfect for women who are carrying a lot of sexual shame.

So if you feel like you’re stuck and like there’s this sexual woman inside of you who has yet to be able to come out, pick up the book! I’ve deliberately kept it super cheap, just $5 for the ebook version, so that more couples can be helped. But this really is a full-sized book. So start it today, and start to see many of these lies finally be defeated!

Now tell me in the comments: Did you grow up in a family that made you feel ashamed of sex? How did you defeat that? Let’s talk!

 

 

The post Reader Question: I Still Freeze Up About Sex Because of Shame appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

How Freedom and Passion for God Go Together–Even in the Bedroom

Why is it that passion in the bedroom is so hard to experience for so many Christian women?

We’ve been talking this week about how God made sex to be amazing (with a slight detour for my post-election post!), and we started off the week looking at how sacred sex and steamy sex are not opposites at all.

One of the issues that was brought up in that post, and in the comments, is how often women feel like freedom in the bedroom is somehow a bad thing. So today, for my Marriage Moment, I thought I’d take a look at how freedom and passion all intersect when we know God!

Sheila’s Marriage Moment: Why Can’t More Women Feel Free in the Bedroom?

Why is it that so many women feel as if they don’t have real freedom in the bedroom?

The missionary position is okay, but anything else is too worldly. We should make love a lot because our husbands need it, but to experience real passion for our husbands–well, that just seems not quite proper.

I think there are three reasons.

First, real passion involves a loss of control. To feel real sexual pleasure means that we have to turn the thinking part of our brain off and be carried away by the moment. But that’s something we women have often fought against our whole lives. We’re used to always being on the alert. That’s how we feel safe.

To turn our minds off and to just experience–that’s really scary.

And yet that’s what God wants for us. He knew that we women do feel like everything bad that happens is our fault, so we have to try so hard all the time. And so God made our sexual response to work only when we’re not trying. He wants us to feel freedom!

But that’s hard for a second reason: many of us grow up with the message that sex is primarily for men. He’s the one who needs it every 72 hours and who will be tempted if he doesn’t get release. He’s the one who is visually oriented. Sex was something we had to guard against as teenagers because it was so dangerous to boys. And the idea that a woman would have real passion of her own seems strange, because men’s passion is so dangerous. Why would we want that, too?

Then there’s the third reason: pornography and our culture have taken sex and “owned” it. They degrade sex and make it really shallow, dirty and degrading. In our rush to combat porn, we often reject everything remotely associated with it, including passionate sex. What we forget is that porn got the idea for passionate sex from how God made sex–we didn’t get the idea from porn.

We women are often raised with very weird messages about sex. Passion feels scary, because you’re out of control. Sexual passion seems dirty, because it’s associated with porn, or dangerous, because it’s associated with men’s downfall. And so we often retreat, trying to find the Christian version of “safe sex”, which is tame and loving, but not necessarily very free.

What if we reclaimed sex to be passionate for women, the way that God intended? What if we rejoiced in real vulnerability, which meant being out of control with someone you love? And what if, as we experienced more and more of God’s passion, we were able to let our guard down more with our husbands? I think that would bring some much-needed freedom to a part of life that we try far too hard to make tame.

What if we reclaimed sex to be passionate for women, too, like God intended?
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If this is something you really struggle with, then you need to read my chapter on how sex is both hot and holy at the same time in The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex! If you’ve never understood real passion, it doesn’t mean you can’t. Maybe you just need to see sex in a slightly different way. I try to explain it all really well in the book, and I really do think it’s helpful for those who struggle with freedom in the bedroom.

What’s #1 at To Love, Honor and Vacuum?

This week it’s all about being intimate with your husband!  Keep the heat coming with these top posts and enjoy every moment!

#1 Post on the Blog: Why Do You Focus So Much On “Steamy” Sex?

#1 on the Blog Overall: Top 10 Effects Of Porn On Your Brain, Your Marriage, And Your Sex Life

#1 from Facebook: How To Keep A Healthy Sex Life With Teens In The House

#1 from Pinterest: Top 10 Tips For Initiating Sex With Your Husband

Here’s another comment about passionate sex:

One woman left this comment on my post about sacred sex, and I just wanted to share it here because I thought it was so important:

Being raised in a very religious conservative setting, I have no doubt that there are plenty of men and women in those settings who crave more passion and “spice”, but they also have somewhat good sex lives. The reason why they don’t go for more spice is because they think its worldly, just as you said. I think it’s primarily a lack of freedom. I’d like to say to her, “I’m so glad you’re having good sex! but don’t stop there, because it can be so much better!!” I can personally attest that the more freedom I have experienced in my walk with God, the more he has freed me from religious mindsets, and the more he heals deep places of me, the more steamy our sex life has become!! It’s not that it ever was bad, it’s just that, if there’s ways to make it better and there’s nothing God has to say against it, you might be surprised how much more stupendous it can become. It starts by becoming free in Christ, it really does. And in knowing our incredible identity in HIM. And for me, freedom to be sensual in bed with my husband has actually propelled me into more freedom in my walk with God as well. It goes both ways.

Very insightful! In fact, what I’ve found is that people who run away from sex are almost always also running away from God. They may be active in church and have a “perfect Christian life”, but they don’t understand what it means to be passionate and vulnerable. For our spiritual life to be real, we have to be able to be raw and vulnerable before God. Yet many women find that difficult. And for our sexual life to work, we have to be able to be raw and vulnerable. Someone who can’t be raw and vulnerable with sex can rarely be raw and vulnerable with God, and vice versa. So as we further understand what God meant with sex, I think we’ll also grow in our ability to have real freedom in Christ!

A Thought on Remembrance Day

Here in Canada it’s Remembrance Day, and at 11:00 am there will be ceremonies all over the country as people honour those who have fought and died in past wars. My daughter Katie will be at a ceremony today on Parliament Hill, and I wish I could be there with her–but I’m heading to the airport to go out to Alberta for a tour.

But I just want to take a moment today and recognize those who are serving in the military today, and to recognize their families who also sacrifice so much.

We appreciate you. We know that you give us so much which we can never really repay. We know that the lives that we enjoy we only enjoy because you protect our freedoms.

And for that, we are grateful.

Have a meaningful Remembrance Day, and have a wonderful weekend!

Marriage isn't supposed to be blah!


Sex is supposed to be stupendous--physically, emotionally, AND spiritually.

If it's not, get The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex--and find out what you've been missing.

The post How Freedom and Passion for God Go Together–Even in the Bedroom appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

How to Be a Sexually Confident Woman

If you’re a Christian, can you be a sexually confident woman?

Absolutely! In fact, you should be a sexually confident woman, because you understand the richness of how God made sex!

I thought today, then, we could just talk about what a sexually confident woman is, and what to do if you feel that you lack confidence.

This week on To Love, Honor and Vacuum we’re talking about how amazing God made sex to be, and next week we’re going to continue talking about sexual confidence and raising your libido.

So let’s get started!

God created you to be a sexually confident woman. Are you one?
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A sexually confident woman knows that it’s okay to have sexual desire.

She knows that she was created with a sex drive. She knows that while sex is certainly beautifully intimate, it’s also about something primal which is about pleasure. She yearns to feel that and pursue all aspects of sex.

(and, if she’s single, she understands that’s still how God created her to be; and she works at transferring that energy into something else while she waits for marriage!) But she doesn’t get mad at herself for having sexual desire in the first place.)

A sexually confident woman knows that it’s okay to initiate sex and make something happen.

Just like a sexually confident woman has desires, she also knows that her desires are just as important as her husband’s. And so she’s not afraid to initiate sex with her husband. She’s not afraid to say, “Okay, I’m totally in the mood tonight, and I want to feel good!”

A sexually confident woman is in touch with what she likes and what feels good, and is eager to share this information with her husband.

A woman who is confident in this arena is also a woman who knows that she was created to feel pleasure, and that it’s important that this happens. She knows that sex was not created just for her husband. And so she’s eager to figure out what works best for her in terms of foreplay, positions, timing, etc., and she’s not afraid to share this information with her spouse. In fact, she’s eager to have those kinds of conversations, even if they’re breathless.

A sexually confident woman enjoys enjoying her body.

She knows that she doesn’t have to have a perfect body to enjoy sex. In fact, it’s her sexual confidence that, in a way, helps her also to accept her body more. And she loves the parts of her body that feel good during sex, and she loves dressing them well and feeling confident with them.

She’s motivated to take care of her body, but her failure to look like a supermodel doesn’t steal sexual energy from her. She knows that God created sexuality to be more than just about attracting multiple people of the opposite sex, but instead about having fun and showing love to one particular person. And she’s excited to do that!

A sexually confident woman deliberately stokes sexual energy.

A woman who values sex knows that sex is fun and that sex is important, even if her libido isn’t always ramped up. So she deliberately does things throughout the day to put her in a more sexy frame of mind, because she values the sexual side of her life. Even if she’s not always “in the mood” automatically, she decides that this is a priority for her. So she flirts more; she enjoys being pretty; she imagines throughout the day what she wants to do tonight. She doesn’t put sex on the backburner until she magically feels “in the mood”; she prioritizes it even when she doesn’t.

A sexually confident woman knows sex is a great part of her life and tries to make it a big part of her life.

In a similar way, a sexually confident woman knows that sex is fun and that it benefits her marriage, and so she deliberately makes it a big part of her life. She stokes her own libido, but she also tries not just to settle for the minimum she can get away with. Her default is “why not tonight?”, rather than “should I tonight?” 

A sexually confident woman knows that sex should be mutual

She knows that sex was created for her just as much as for him, and that means that her needs and desires matter, too. That also means that she feels the freedom to say “no” when he asks something that she feels is demeaning, sinful, or dangerous, because she knows that sexuality is a gift that she must protect to keep herself emotionally and spiritually healthy, too. She isn’t afraid to try new things that sound fun, but if something crosses a line, she calmly says no.

She also knows when she needs a break physically or emotionally, and isn’t afraid to ask for it, knowing that the beauty of the sexual relationship does not rest solely on whether she performs, but instead primarily on the way that they treat each other.

She knows that she wasn’t created just to serve her husband, but that he was created to serve her, too. And so she doesn’t allow her own boundaries to be crossed which may wound her sexually and emotionally.

Having sexual confidence is simply about understanding how God made sex--and embracing it.
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Now, a bit of what a sexually confident woman doesn’t need to be.

Sexual confidence is not about skill or experience or even whether or not one is really orgasmic. Sexual confidence is about a mindset that knows what God made sex for, that knows it is good, that has a positive view to it, and that is focused on making sex great, even if it’s not quite there yet. 

In other words, it’s about how you think, not about what you experience. So it’s something that we can cultivate by learning more about sex and by focusing more on God’s intentions towards sex. And it’s something that you can even get ready for before you’re even married by coming to terms with your body and with the fact that you are a sexual being (even if you have to transfer that sexual energy elsewhere right now). And it’s exactly why I wrote The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex–to help you figure this stuff out and to feel more sexually confident.

Sexual confidence is also a journey. I don’t want you to beat yourself up if you can’t say yes to each one of these elements of confidence. I just want you to look at them and ask yourself, “Hmmmm…..I’m really lacking in this one. Maybe it’s one I can concentrate on now!” Pick one and decide that you’re going to work on it, because confidence really is something that we cultivate on a lifelong basis.

And now I want to help you do that!

So let me know in the comments: which of these aspects of sexual confidence do you want to work on? Let me know, and let’s talk about strategies to grow in those areas!

Marriage isn't supposed to be blah!


Sex is supposed to be stupendous--physically, emotionally, AND spiritually.

If it's not, get The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex--and find out what you've been missing.

The post How to Be a Sexually Confident Woman appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.