Sheila Wray Gregoire's Blog, page 148
October 12, 2016
Wifey Wednesday: The One Best Sex Tip You’ll Ever Need
Of course, I ease in to it. I don’t say it right off the bat, because people would likely have a heart attack that someone is talking about that in a church! But by the second half of the night people are really relaxed and laughing, and I often am told that they are so grateful I said it.
It’s in The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, too, and I’ve had people thank me for putting it in there!
But while I’ve shared it briefly before in some posts with other sex tips, I don’t think I’ve ever stressed it enough.
So here we go.
Are you ready for the best sex tip I’ve ever shared?
It’s a simple one.
When you’re making love, squeeze your butt.
Seriously. Hear me out.
This is the thing about female anatomy: there aren’t actually that many nerve endings in the vagina. The clitoris, on the other hand, which is that tiny knob just in front of the vaginal opening, has TONS of nerve endings and was designed to make us feel good. But it seems to be in the wrong place, if you know what I mean. So many of us may be feeling great during foreplay, but then as soon as we start intercourse we lose all that momentum, because we’re not getting enough stimulation THERE.
However, there is another spot an inch and a half up the vaginal wall called the “G spot” which also has a lot of nerves. Some researchers believe it’s just an extension of the clitoris, and they’re the same nerve pathways.
But regardless, here’s why squeezing your butt matters.
First, if you do it, you get the muscles engaged and the blood flow starts to go right to the right spot.
Try it right now. (whenever I talk about this in my show I just know what every woman there is squeezing her butt!)
The one BEST sex tip every woman needs. Seriously! #marriedsex
Click To Tweet
But second, you lift up your hips and so the angle is better for HIM to stimulate the right spot during intercourse.
I’ve had some people say that you just need to put a pillow under your butt during sex to get the right angle, but I disagree. A pillow lifts you, but it doesn’t TILT you. What you need is to be tilted. And a pillow doesn’t engage the muscles.
When you’re super excited, right near climax, your body does this anyway.
Do it earlier, and you’re more likely to reach that excited state.
Now, this works more easily for the missionary position, but it doesn’t mean it CAN’T work for other positions.
The trick is just to get comfortable with that other position first, sort of “settle in”, so to speak, and THEN engage those muscles. And you will tend to find that the excitement builds.
So there you go! It’s a short post today, but it’s a sex tip that may make a huge difference in your life! Just try it–and see what happens. 
October 11, 2016
10 Easy Productivity Tips for a Blessed Day
Women are tired and stressed. I know I had a difficult time getting going today because I had a wonderful weekend with my family for Canadian Thanksgiving, and I’m just not in work mode. But I know that there are often just small things that we can implement that can make a huge difference. For me it was always putting on the dishwasher the night before, so I have clean dishes to start the day.
Today Darci Lopez, author of How to be Less of a Hot Mess Once and For All, is here to show us how adding a few simple tweaks to your routines and a few little productivity strategies can put us on the road to being more productive, efficient, and joyful in no time.
Some of the tips are simple, and you may think you don’t need to do them. Try them anyway. Humor me. I promise you will be and feel more productive for having done them 
October 10, 2016
Here’s How Hubby and I Have Fun Together!
Anyway, it’s Canadian Thanksgiving today, and so I’m going to enjoy another day with my family (my daughters and son-in-law are visiting for the weekend!).
But I thought I’d just take today to share some quick pictures that my husband took while we were birdwatching on our recent trip in our RV. We’re back home now, but one thing we like to do as we travel around is get out and look at birds. It helps us get more active together (at least we’re hiking!), and we have a goal and something to work towards (can we find our 500th bird? Yes, we can this trip!).
I just want to encourage everybody to try to find something to do with your husband. It doesn’t have to be something you both enjoy to the same extent; Keith’s way more into it than I am. But I still enjoy it, and it lets us spend time together. And that’s important.
Here you go!
A cactus wren:
A cute little hummingbird (I forget which kind! See, I’m not that great a birdwatcher):
A Gamble’s Quail (these are even funnier looking in person!)
A Gila Woodpecker:
And here was our official 500th bird: the western bluebird!
I’m going to go have some fun with the kids today! I think we’re going to drive them back to Ottawa and then go bowling. Let’s all get creative about some things we can do with our spouse to get out of the house and away from a screen (which I may find easier to do lately since I’ve lost my phone. Sigh.)
To my fellow Canadians: Happy Thanksgiving! And to everyone else, have a great day, too.
The post Here’s How Hubby and I Have Fun Together! appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.
October 7, 2016
When Do We Know If We’ve “Arrived” As a Couple?
Every Friday I like to write a short, 400-word inspirational piece on marriage to give you ONE thought to take you through the weekend. This week I want to share with you some thoughts I’ve had as I get ready for our 25th anniversary!
Sheila’s Marriage Moment: Are We There Yet?
When my mother was 43 she was diagnosed with breast cancer. While it was initially terrifying, we’re so thankful that she sailed through with flying colours, and recently celebrated 30 years cancer free. At the 25-year mark I threw her a “Glad You’re Not Dead” party. Some thought the title was crass. But I was glad, and I figured there was no point in beating around the bush!
This month my mom and our daughters are planning a 25th anniversary party for Keith and me (our actual anniversary is in December, but that’s a lousy month for a non-Christmas party!). My mom asked me what theme I wanted. And as I thought about it, I came up with another thought that some may consider crass.
I chose “Are we there yet?”
When we first got married, that’s what I was constantly asking: “Are we there yet? Have we arrived? Are we grown up? Are we happy?”
And as I asked those questions, it seemed the answer was always “no”. I was searching for happiness and validation through my marriage, and the more I did that, the more dissatisfied I became.
Over the years my perspective has changed, but the question hasn’t.
I still ask, “Are we there yet?” But what I mean is, “Have we really learned to love? Have I grown in Christ so that I can support you fully, even when I’m busy with my own ministry?”
I want so desperately to be the kind of woman who will make a great wife for Keith. I’ve stopped waiting for my marriage to be perfect, and I’ve tried to run after God to change me instead.
And it doesn’t stop there. I wonder “Are we there yet? Have we passed on the things we want to our daughters? Have we breathed into the next generation?” After twenty-five years together, my marriage seems more about a legacy than a big unknown.
I know, though, that this isn’t the end of the changes in perspective. One day, I pray that Keith and I will still both be here to grow old together, to ask, “Are we there yet? Are we ready to see God’s face? Can we welcome the new and say a peaceful good-bye to the old?”
“Are we there yet?” was once asked with anxiousness, with doubt, and even with a bit of guilt. Today, to me, it’s a challenge to keep looking towards the future, and to keep building the kind of legacy we want to leave.
So are we there yet? No, I don’t think so. But the exciting thing is that we’re always getting closer!
The theme for my 25th anniversary party is 'Are We There Yet'? Here's what I mean!
Click To Tweet
What’s #1 at To Love, Honor and Vacuum?
To get some new posts on the board, we are going to look at some 2’s and 3’s! What are you bringing into your marriage this week?
#1 NEW Post on the Blog: What Do You Do When Your Teen Refuses Church?
#3 on the Blog Overall: 50 Most Important Scripture Verses To Memorize
#2 from Facebook: When Christians Make It Sound Like Sex Is Only “For Him”
#3 from Pinterest: 5 Ways To Defeat Insecurity In The Bedroom
We’re Heading Back to Canada for Thanksgiving!
This is our Thanksgiving in the Great White North, and Keith and I have put our RV in storage and are heading home today, flying from Phoenix to Ottawa. Looking forward to seeing our girls at the airport, and my mom when we get home!
When you’re reading this I’m likely on a plane. And gearing up for jetlag. So I’m not going to write a lot of “catching up” this week. I’m going to head to bed early. But I wish you all a great weekend, and for all you fellow Canadians, Happy Thanksgiving!
The post When Do We Know If We’ve “Arrived” As a Couple? appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.
October 6, 2016
Why Discipline Often Backfires with Kids
But disciplining children is an unavoidable aspect of parenting, even if it’s frustrating at times. So today I am excited to welcome Jim and Lynne Jackson from Connected Families back on the blog to talk about why we often find that disciplining children backfires to offer you some encouragement! They talked about how to handle sibling rivalry a few weeks back, and so many of you found that useful. So I asked if they could talk about discipline, and here they are!
I absolutely love their approach, and I know you will to:
Do you try to instill consequences for bad behavior for your children, but you find that you’re always at loggerheads? It’s not uncommon. Many parents find that their attempts at disciplining children backfire.
In our ministry we have coached parents from all walks of life nearly every weekday for the past 25 years. Single parents. Parents by adoption. Foster parents. Blended family parents. Every issue from screen obsession, to shoe-tying, eating what’s served to addressing sex and sexuality, fighting about church to dealing with drugs and even suicide among teens, and everything in between.
Among the thousands of parents we’ve met, all say in one fashion or another,
I want what’s best for my kids. I want them to grow up ready for the world. I want to guide them well.
Yup, parents have great intentions for their kids. But somewhere between their aspirations and their call to us for help something goes haywire. Not for lack of good intentions, but for lack of understanding. And when parents begin to understand what we’re about to share here, things begin to change. Sometimes slowly, and sometimes quickly. Almost always significantly.
Haywire starts simply enough. The parent does what “works.” Maybe a method learned in a book or online. Or maybe a friend gave some advice because it “worked for my kid!”
Problem: The kids do what the parent asks, not because of any internal change, but because under the surface they fear the outcome if they don’t.
Parents: The aim should not be blind obedience. It should be character & identity formation.
Click To Tweet
Over time as the pattern repeats, the fear turns to resentment and resentment turns to rage. Soon the momentum feels unstoppable.
If we had a nickle for every time a parent said, “I don’t know what happened all of a sudden. Everything was working fine and then it all blew up!” We wouldn’t be millionaires, but we’d be able to sponsor to few more Compassion kids!
Kids’ blow ups almost always start as a slow burn, sometimes imperceptible, especially at first. Heat builds as parents’ well-intended efforts don’t ultimately gain the desired outcome. The parents and children grow further and further apart as kids rebel from this dynamic and parents dig in to “be the parent” (or give in, in order to keep the peace).
From this pressure cooker comes the parents’ common cry: “Help!” Whether wanting kids to understand the importance of respecting others; develop a sense of responsibility; or more simply, to clean up messes, treat each other better, and do homework, these parents essentially all ask us the same question,
Why is there such a big disconnect between what I want my kids to get from me and what they seem to be getting from me?
The answer to this question is why Connected Families ministry exists. It turns out that there is a very clear reason, and we do whatever we can to help parents understand it.
We’ve learned over the years that effective parents focus less on right behavior, and more on God-honoring identity.
Effective parents focus less on right behavior, and more on God-honoring identity.
Click To Tweet
In a nutshell, here’s how this works: imagine your child has just left another mess on the dinner table in spite of your clear instruction to clean it up. A behavior-focused statement might be something to this effect, “You left a mess again. Why are you so messy? Now clean it up or you’ll get a consequence!” The parent will firmly follow through and either the mess will get cleaned or the consequence administered.
Sounds good right?
When parents focus on behavior they tend to evaluate effectiveness based on immediate results.
If the child complied, then the discipline “worked.” But there is always more to surface behavior than meets the eye. Behavior grows out of a belief system. So it’s helpful to ask, “What is my child believing about themselves?” when it’s time to discipline.
Under the surface of behavior-focused interactions, kids are learning far less about right from wrong than they are about what mom or dad thinks about that child. And this is REALLY important because our children look to what we think about them to help them figure out for themselves who they are. They form their identity, their beliefs about who they are around their perceptions of what we think and say.
So let’s look at this behavior-focused approach to see what kids might be learning to believe about themselves.
Consider the first phrase the child hears from the behavior-focused statement. “You left a mess again.” Implicit in this statement are subtle messages.
First, the word “you” suggests the problem isn’t the mess, but the child.
The word “again” implies this has happened before.
So right at the outset the identity message a child likely perceives is “I am a frequent problem.”
If this is the normal sort of approach then the child forms self-identity according to the messages.
In an identity-focused approach parents learn to take great care of their language and perceived meaning.
The statement might be addressed more like this, “I see you haven’t gotten to that mess just yet. What is your plan about that?”
In this approach the statement is about the mess, not about the child.
The question enlists the child’s problem solving ability, thus communicating the message, “You can do this, you are capable of solving this,” while keeping the child accountable for the cleaning.
This also communicates an important message, “You are responsible.”
Now, knowing that you, the parent reading this, are madly in love with your kids (even if there is frustration about challenging behaviors), we invite you to consider what identity messages your kids get when you discipline them? Here are the most common messages parents tell us they want their kids to believe about themselves:
“You’re loved no matter what!”
“You’re a child of God, built for God’s purposes!”
“You are capable!”
“You are blessed!”
“You are a miracle.”
“You are fearfully and wonderfully made!”
Imagine coming to every discipline situation equipped with the primary goal and skills to communicate these timeless truths.
To help you think about this more practically, find a quiet spot alone and say the things you say to your kids when you discipline them. Use the same energy and same tone of voice. How does it sound? What messages are being conveyed by your tone of voice, your words, and your body language?
Most parents trying this the first time discover that they are not sending the messages they want to send. It’s normal because it’s what we’ve learned. To send different messages try it again. Say it differently, remembering that your little ones are looking to help them figure out who they are. Try delivering the words in a way that the message your kids hear is “You’re loved no matter how you behave!”
As your kids grow in this identity they’ll want to obey you out of love, not fear (see 1 John 4:18). Your discipline will not just get them to immediately behave well, but it will help them develop an identity from which they will want to behave right because it is consistent with their identity. Our world needs more kids like this and those kids are looking to you to help them figure out who they really are!
Jim & Lynne Jackson have spent the last 20 years coaching and teaching parents.
Are you frustrated that discipline just isn’t working in your house? Do you find it hard to connect with your kids and send the RIGHT message? Right now (but only until October 11!), the Jacksons are offering a special online course on discipline that will give you techniques that touch your children’s hearts–not just their outward behaviours. What a difference this could make in so many families! Check it out here–but you only have a few more days to see it!
The post Why Discipline Often Backfires with Kids appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.
October 5, 2016
Wifey Wednesday: Why My Husband Doesn’t Make Me Happy
Every Wednesday on To Love, Honor and Vacuum we talk marriage, because I love sharing things that will build up your relationship. Today Esther from Wellness Mom Life is chatting with us about unhappiness in marriage, and how to find happiness again.
Without further ado–here’s Esther:
My husband doesn’t make me happy. It sounds like a bad thing, but it’s actually not. I used to be very upset about this fact, until I learned some important lessons about happiness.
I didn’t start out unhappy in my marriage.
Let me start back at the beginning. My husband and I met when I was still in high school. We worked at a Christian bookstore together in our town.
We quickly developed a friendship and had a lot in common. He made me laugh, and his blue eyes made me melt. Almost a year later, we were dating and spending every moment we could together.
A long 4.5 years later, after I finally graduated college, we got married. Through those dating and engagement years, we certainly learned a lot about each other. But we also spent a lot of time apart. I went to college 2 states away, so we stayed in contact by phone, email, and yes, snail mail.
Both of us also traveled abroad during that time for extended periods of time – I was in Central America for 3.5 months, and he went to Vanuatu with Teen Missions for an entire summer.
The saying “absence makes the heart grow fonder” was very true in our relationship. We spent so much time apart, and we truly couldn’t wait to see one another again.
During those years, I usually felt like Scott made me happy. I loved spending time with him – he made me laugh, he wrote long letters to me, and I loved his passion for God and for Bible study. We definitely had our moments when we did not agree, but overall, I just couldn’t wait to be married to him.
Fast forward a few years into our marriage, and I didn’t always feel happy when I was around him.
I became seriously unhappy in my marriage. I didn’t get the butterflies in my stomach when I heard his voice. In fact, sometimes we had disagreements that caused us both a lot of pain and tears.
Then our daughter was born, and things got even harder. I was physically exhausted, mentally worn out, and emotional. I started becoming resentful that Scott didn’t make me happy.
In fact, sometimes he made me mad. I was disappointed in the state of our marriage, and I wondered if we were going to make it. I was tired of being unhappy in my marriage and longed to have a marriage that I loved.
He was a youth pastor, and I was working part-time and also trying to build a business. We were involved in a small group, and had lots of support around us. But I still wasn’t feeling happy.
About 7 months after my daughter was born, I attended our church’s women’s retreat. I wasn’t sure if I should go, since I had 2 other weekend events that month that involved traveling with my daughter. This, in and of itself, was a challenge with a child who didn’t have a regular sleep schedule and cried if she wasn’t being held.
Learning how to be happy despite any circumstances
Attending that retreat was probably one of the best things I did for myself and my marriage. That weekend helped me to realize that it wasn’t my husband’s responsibility to make me happy. It wasn’t my friend’s responsibility or my church’s or my family’s. It was mine.
It isn't anyone's job to make you happy but YOU.
Click To Tweet
Let me explain: I recognized that it was my responsibility to understand and acknowledge my place in God’s kingdom. If I truly understood that I was a child of God – that He loved me and that He died for me – then I could be happy no matter what.
I could live with an attitude of happiness, even when the circumstances around me didn’t constitute happiness. I could be happy because of my position and not be dependent upon my circumstances.
I’d like to say that I never expected my husband to make me happy after that, but I’d be lying. However, I did start to realize that I had been putting way too much pressure on him and on our relationship to fulfill me.
It’s easy to feel happy when you’re dating and things are going amazing. It’s natural to feel happy when you experience really exciting things in your relationship, your life, or your career.
But when things are harder, that feeling of happiness doesn’t come as easily. It’s then that you must recognize the true source of happiness. For me, that source is Jesus, and my relationship with him.
Free to be happy
I can be happy because of what He has done for me and who I am in him. Then, I am free to be happy whether or not my husband meets all my needs. I’m free to be happy even if my friend betrays me, my child screams all night, or my family member criticizes me.
So my husband doesn’t make me happy, but Jesus does. Yes, sometimes I feel happiness because of something my husband does, and I love that. But I no longer rely on him to make me happy or to meet every need that I have.
Esther Littlefield is a feisty pastor’s wife to her husband, Scott, and mom to her spirited daughter, KJ. They live in Maine where they enjoy as many outdoor adventures as possible in the midst of homeschooling, business, and church life. In her free time, you’d probably find her with a cup of coffee, a good friend, and a sink full of dishes. Esther is the founder of WellnessMomLife, helping moms balance marriage, motherhood, and ministry. Esther is passionate about helping other moms create a marriage they love.
Follow her on social media: Facebook | Twitter | Instagram | Pinterest
Have you ever felt unhappy in your marriage? What did you do to fix the problem? Let’s talk about it in the comments!
The post Wifey Wednesday: Why My Husband Doesn’t Make Me Happy appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.
October 4, 2016
What Do You Do When Your Teen Refuses Church?
I got that question from a reader recently, and instead of answering it myself, I thought I’d let my daughter Rebecca answer. Because–BIG NEWS!!! On October 1, Rebecca officially sent in her manuscript for her book Why I Didn’t Rebel to Thomas Nelson. It will be out later next year (and it’s based on the viral blog post that she wrote for me on why she didn’t rebel!). And now that she’s finished writing it, she’s come on board to work for me for a bit. She’ll be writing blog posts every now and then about millennial marriage (since she’s a millennial!) and about parenting teens. And she’ll be running a lot of the behind the scenes things for me to free me up to create some more products (I’m working on a course on boosting your libido right now).
So she’ll be my right hand person for the blog.
(But we won’t normally be dressing this well!)
So I thought–let’s get Becca to answer this one, since she’s closer to that age and has just written a book about what to do when kids DO rebel.
So here’s the question. And then I’ll let Rebecca tackle it!
My son in the last few months has stated that he no longer believes, doesn’t consider himself a Christian anymore. He goes to church very reluctantly, and doesn’t participate at all, no singing, eyes open during prayers, makes cutting remarks during the sermon. He says we’re brainwashing him to believe what we believe and he would rather not go to church at all.
My question is, do I force him to go to church? ( our agreement now is 3/4 Sunday’s that we attend, he must attend), or do I let him stop going, he is 18 and starting university in a few weeks but will be living at home. Will he become more resentful if we keep making him go or should I just trust he will find his way back as the Holy Spirit guides him?
Wow. That’s pretty heavy–but unfortunately a reality that so many families are facing. I’m going to have a very different perspective here than most parents, since I’m coming at it from the child’s point of view. I’ve had a lot of friends in the last few years who grew up in Christian homes turn away, and I’ve seen what it does to their parents. But there are also some things that their parents did well or not-so-well that impacted how they view God and their family today. If you’re dealing with a teen who has decided he or she doesn’t believe in God, hopefully I can provide some encouragement!
First of all, remember that when your kid refuses church it isn’t about you.
Often when kids reject God, they take it out on their parents. They accuse their parents of being narrow minded; they ridicule them for believing something that they think is illogical; and they can often turn something good, like church, into a stressful and discouraging experience. It’s really hard for parents to watch their kids turn away from God–I can’t even imagine how painful that must be.
When this happens, the temptation when their kid refuses church is for many parents is to think, “what did I do wrong? Why is my child hurting me like this?”
But what does that get you? Just a lot of pointless guilt.
Now, yes, if there is something that you did that could have negatively impacted your child’s faith, apologize! Let’s get that healing started! But the truth is that when it comes to their faith, kids have to make their own choices. And it’s not always the choice their parents’ like.
He’s almost an adult–let him act like one.
When teenagers fall away from the faith it becomes even more complicated because they’re only sticking around for another year, or another few months, and then they’re officially adults. So a lot of parents find themselves in very murky waters!
Often the response when a kid refuses church is to lay down the law. Parents say things like, “as long as you’re under my roof you’re going to church!” But is that really helpful?
I don’t think so. All this does is make the kid even more angry at religion, the church, and you. And when the teenager is almost an adult, laying down the law really doesn’t seem logical or fair–why should they have to listen to you now, when in two months they could be off in some dorm at college, living completely independently?
Instead of trying to control your child’s church attendance, make the issue about how his or her actions are affecting you.
What do you do when your teen decides not to go to church?
Click To Tweet
Approaching the issue from YOUR point of view helps your teen feel less attacked.
Rather than micromanaging, give your child a chance to act like a mature adult. Explain your point of view by saying something like:
I understand that you don’t believe. That’s your choice, completely. But my faith means a lot to me, and when you ridicule the church or my faith it hurts. So I will respect your choice not to believe, but you also need to respect my choice to believe.
See how much more respectful that is of your child’s autonomy than just saying “because you’re under my roof you have to go to church”? This gives your child a chance to act like a mature adult. It shows them a lot more respect than laying down the law does. Framing it as a justice issue can help show your child you’re not trying to brainwash, not trying to manipulate–it’s just a matter of what is fair.
Remember that the church isn’t the only place to learn about God.
Let me be frank here: why is it so important that your teen go to church with you if your teen doesn’t believe? Do you think one more sermon will get through to him when thousands haven’t? Do you think God is more able to get a hold of his heart if he’s sitting in a church pew, resentful, then if he’s out walking in nature thinking by himself?
The church is very important for spiritual development, yes, but it isn’t the only place to learn about God. Your family is probably the biggest testimony for Christ that your child will ever experience. So make it a really positive experience for him or her.
I have a friend who fell away from the faith in high school, came back in second year of university, but has decided again that it’s not for him. And his parents were excellent parents–he just made a choice.
This friend said something very interesting, though. He said that even though he himself does not believe, his parents set such a great example of what being a Christian means that he’s actually quite positive towards Christianity. He just hasn’t chosen it for himself. That is huge! Yes, it is really sad that he hasn’t accepted Christ for himself. But even if your kid refuses church, you can still provide him or her with a really positive view of who Jesus Christ is by showing them a glimpse of God’s unconditional love for them.
How do you do that? By having lots of fun together, so that your interactions aren’t all just screaming matches about how he or she won’t come to church with you. Get to know your child as a person, and show them that you truly care unconditionally by wanting to spend time with them even if they don’t accept God. That is the best example of God’s love that you can give.
Go to God and pray.
At the end of the day, God is the only one who can change your child’s heart. And He has given you a powerful tool–prayer. Often we undervalue prayer in these situations and go into crisis management. We try to get the kid more involved in youth group, or send him off to a youth rally. But maybe that’s not the right approach when a kid refuses church. That just forces them to be where they don’t want to be. And that can make Christianity seem pretty negative.
If your kid has refused to go to church with you, they have made a decision. So pray for them, and pray a lot. Because then you are relying on God’s strength, not on your own.
We aren’t called to save people, not even our own kids. That’s God’s job, and it’s a choice that they have to make for themselves. But we can help them get closer to Him by giving them a glimpse of the amazing love that God has for them and by constantly going to God on their behalf.
But now I want to hear from you: Have any of you raised teens who refused to go to church anymore? How did you handle it? Let’s chat about it in the comments!
The post What Do You Do When Your Teen Refuses Church? appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.
October 3, 2016
Reader question: I’m a 41-year-old Virgin Getting Married!
What advice do you give to a 40-year-old virgin getting married for the first time?
Every Monday I like to post a reader question and take a stab at answering it. Here’s a question from an “older” bride who’s nervous that sex may not go that well:
I’m having a hard time finding advice for people my age (41) who are getting married for the first time and have not been sexually active before. I have dated very little and have always been in very pure relationships, so certain parts of my sexuality have not been “turned on” yet. I noticed an increase in my sexuality in my 30’s (meaning, I was craving men and sex more), but now that I’m engaged and soon to be getting married I don’t find myself being turned on, wanting to make out very often, and we are not having a hard time “keeping our hands off of each other.” I’m attracted to my fiance, love being with him, and we have committed to not going very far before we are married. But I worry that I have a very low sex drive, or is that normal with my age? My fiance has been sexually active in the past and we can talk openly about things. When we first dated I was turned on just by making out. But a year and a half later, I’m not. I really want to be healthy in this area, but am a bit concerned that I’m not so thrilled about sex and am getting married soon.
Great question! And CONGRATULATIONS, by the way! That’s so exciting for you. I wish you all the best in your marriage.
Now for the question. I’ll share a few quick things, and then I hope that maybe my readers will chime in, too, in the comments, with lots of best wishes for you and lots of helpful thoughts!
Just because you’re older doesn’t mean that the issues are that different from a “younger” virgin wedding night
You still have the same body parts, and they still work the same way! So I’d say definitely read this post on the top 10 wedding night tips that I give to new brides. It still applies to you, too. There aren’t any age limits!
That being said, you may want to keep these things in mind…
You’re starting to go through peri-menopause (or at least you will soon)!
Peri-menopause is the roughly ten years before menopause actually hits in all its glory. And so it’s likely that you could be starting to see some hormonal changes. I can tell you that I am starting to notice a big difference in my libido between now and ten years ago. It’s not that I can’t have fun, though. I wouldn’t want to give you that impression! I just have to work more at getting my head in gear and at finding time to feel relaxed (like starting with a massage).
So you may not have that big hormonal jumpstart that younger women have. But that’s okay! Just take care of yourself, because the healthier you eat, the healthier your libido will be. One of the best resources I’ve found for this is the Perfect Periods course. It was part of the Healthy Living Bundle I was offering last week, which unfortunately is over now, but you can still get that resource here.
You’re used to not thinking about sex
You’ve had 25 years post-puberty to train yourself not to think about sex. That’s a long time! So it may be more of a mindset change for you than it is for many brides. The key is to learn to start thinking about sex throughout the day, and you may need to be diligent about this, because you’re not used to it. Figure out cues for “this is my time to get in the right frame of mind!”
Here’s a post on positive things to say to yourself about sex to get yourself thinking in the right direction.
That “butterfly feeling” goes away after about 18 months
That infatuation feeling where we feel a surge of electricity when he touches us tends to last about 18 months. So if it’s waned, it doesn’t mean that you don’t love him or you won’t enjoy sex. It just means that you’re growing towards a deeper kind of love than that initial excitement. And that’s okay, as long as you still decide to keep saying those good things to yourself about sex!
Libido doesn’t work the same way for men as it does for women
For us, libido really is more a relational thing. So if you don’t find yourself sexually frustrated, that isn’t necessarily a bad thing. If you did feel turned on when you were first dating him, then you are physically attracted to him. That’s not the problem. It’s just your body’s responsiveness is likely going to be more triggered by being able to relax with him first (start with a massage on a lot of nights, spend time just being naked together, enjoy your relationship), and then some real foreplay.
Once you’re married, take things slower and savour things and relax. You may be one of these people who needs more than just a hot and heavy kissing session to get in the mood, and that’s okay! (If you want to figure this out together, by the way, 31 Days to Great Sex is a great thing to work through. But I’d suggest being married at least a month first!).
Just relax.
That’s the biggest thing. Relax. Don’t worry too much about the wedding night. You’ll have a long time to get this right! Enjoy being with each other, and start to figure out what makes you feel good. But if you try to reach some magic high right off the bat, or worry so much that you’re not really sexual and you won’t respond, then it’s quite likely that you won’t. It’s okay to take a little bit to get used to things, and it’s okay to take a little time to learn how you respond.
The main thing is to keep communicating with your husband, keep telling him what you’re hoping for, and be as optimistic about everything as possible!
But now I’d like to hear from other readers: What would you say to an “older” virginal bride? Any great thoughts? Are things different for brides in their forties vs. their twenties? Let’s talk in the comments–and send her your best wishes, too!
31 Days to Great Sex is here (only $4.99!) It's the best $5 you'll ever spend on your marriage!
Learn to talk more, flirt more, and even explore more! You'll work on how to connect emotionally, spiritually, AND physically.
Find out more To Love, Honor and Vacuum.
September 30, 2016
How to Move Beyond “Obligation Sex” to Real Freedom
This week I caused quite a stir on this blog when I wrote my rant about how certain strands of the Christian church talk about men and lust in such a way that it makes women feel just awful. It portrays men like they’re animals who can’t stop themselves from lusting after women, and then it treats wives like we are the gatekeepers, responsible not just from keeping ourselves from sinning but also keeping our husbands from sinning.
After writing that, I received an email that brought tears to my eyes. A woman said:
Oh. My. Goodness. I was just blindsided by this article! Up to this point, this is what I have BELIEVED! [that if I don’t have sex frequently and look really good, my husband will be tempted to cheat or will lust after other women]. It has suddenly HIT me that…quite possibly…I have been doing things for my husband out of FEAR! Trying to look my absolute best when my husband gets in from work, so that “those females” at his workplace won’t have anything on me! Etc. It’s fear-based! What is the balance to this way of thinking??? Where do I go from here???
Such a great question. And since every Friday I like to leave you with ONE thought, in about 400 words, to take with you for the weekend, I thought I’d tackle this reader’s question and try to wrap up the can of worms I opened on Wednesday.
Sheila’s Marriage Moment: Beyond Obligation Sex to True Freedom
Sex was created to be awesome: we’re able to be completely vulnerable and open with just one person, so that we truly “know” each other intimately. We reach a physical high where we let go of all rational thought and become almost primal. It’s amazing.
But what happens when this truly amazing thing is reduced to an obligation? Instead of it being something truly intimate that binds you together, it becomes more like an animal urge, and it loses its beauty.
It’s interesting that the big dichotomy in the Bible is between works and grace. When we try hard to do the right thing, we will always fail. And, interestingly, we’ll often become rather bitter in the process. Remember the older son in the parable of the Prodigal Son–“all these years I’ve worked like a slave for you…” Working so hard to try to win His father’s approval made him exhausted and, ironically, lost him his identity as a son.
Yet we know that those who truly love Jesus will do good things.
The issue is not the actions; the issue is the heart behind the actions. When we force ourselves to do something to win approval, we feel dejected and never good enough. When we feel approval already, we feel invigorated and energized.
There’s a similar dynamic in marriage. If we women see sex as something we have to do to earn our husband’s affections, then we will feel exhausted before we even try. Sex won’t be beautiful; it will be a millstone around our necks that reminds us that we may not be good enough.
But if we know beforehand that our husbands love and cherish us, then sex is a beautiful expression of that!
If you are married to a good guy, and your fear is mostly self-imposed because of what you’ve been taught about men, then practice believing in him. Tell yourself, everyday, “My husband loves me. He enjoys my body. He chose me.”
Let yourself feel joy instead of fear!
But what if you’re married to a guy who gives you reason to fear? If the problem is porn or adultery, then seek out a counsellor and get an accountability partner for him. If it’s that he has an incorrect understanding of lust, thinking that it can’t be stopped, then work through 31 Days to Great Sex and start having some hard conversations about what sex is supposed to be (and start having more fun, too!)
But no more obligation. Law brings death. Freedom brings life. We are meant to live in freedom in our identity as wives and as children of God. Don’t let any misconceptions rob you of the joy of freedom you should have enjoying sex with your husband!
I’ve written more about how sex should be mutual, which you may enjoy. Also, these top 10 positive things to say to yourself about sex can help, too. And I totally believe in frequent sex by the way. The issue is not sex itself; it’s the heart behind it!
What’s #1 at To Love, Honor and Vacuum?
This week we’ve got a great mix of older and newer posts rounding out the Tops. What are some things you and your husband need to work on together?
#1 NEW Post on the Blog: 8 Things We Learned Getting Rid Of Half Our Stuff
#1 on the Blog Overall: Top 10 Tips For Initiating Sex With Your Husband
#1 from Facebook: I Hate It When My Husband Touches Me THERE
#2 from Pinterest: What To Do When Your Husband Disappoints You
We’re in Arizona Now!
Hubby and I saw 8 new life birds yesterday (we’re birdwatchers, which means that we saw 8 new species we’ve never seen before). He’s very excited.
We’re in the Flagstaff KOA campground, and I’m spending all day today reading through my daughter Rebecca’s book on Why She Didn’t Rebel (based on her blog post on why she didn’t rebel
September 29, 2016
8 Things We Learned Getting Rid of Half of Our Stuff
It just made sense; she didn’t want to have to worry about snow removal in the winter and garden care in the summer, and we’re gone so much on speaking tours that our house is often empty. So we fixed up the rooms in the basement and added a bathroom, and she went from 6 large rooms down to 2 medium ones.
To get ready for her moving in Keith and I purged a ton of our own stuff. We made our daughters take all of their stuff with them when they moved out–no storing stuff at our house! That cleared out their rooms and their closets (though, of course, we still have beds for them to stay when they visit home!). We cleared out a lot of our books in the main floor and a lot of my decorative items so that we could fit more of Mom’s. (Her stuff is usually better anyway!)
And then we had to help her get rid of most of her stuff. Between the two households, I’d say we had to get rid of half our stuff.
Here’s what we learned.
1. Keeping stuff you don’t love is exhausting.
Cleaning it is exhausting. Moving it is exhausting. Trying to find a place for it to fit is exhausting.
When we were starting The Great Purge of 2016, my cousin bought me Marie Kondo’s book The Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up. I didn’t bring it with me on our speaking trip (I’m in New Mexico right now!), so I can’t quote directly from it, unfortunately. But it made a profound impact on me.
Basically she said that our traditional methods of decluttering will never work because they don’t deal with the root of the problem. When you declutter, the question you’re asking is, “what should I get rid of?” Using the KonMarie method (as she calls it), the question you ask instead is “what should I keep?”
That’s a profound difference. It’s hard to decide what to part with. But deciding what you love is easy!
She also says that we declutter by geographical space rather than by type of item. Instead of deciding “I’ll declutter this drawer today”, for example, she recommends getting all of your underwear and bras, from whatever drawer (or even the laundry and gym bag!) and putting them on the floor. Then choose which ones you absolutely love that give you joy. And get rid of the rest.
You can’t do this unless you can see ALL of something at once.
So that’s what we did when we were paring down my mom’s clothes. She had to go from a huge walk in closet to a traditional closet. We’d put all of her T-shirts on the bed and decide which ones she loved. All of her scarves. All of her pants. And it worked!
2. More storage isn’t the solution.
We all need good storage. But sometimes we rely on storage too much–like if we just find the right combination of drawers and cupboards we’ll be able to fit all of this stuff in. Even storage drawers can become clutter if you have too many of them! My new motto is that if you need to buy new storage, you likely have too much stuff.
3. Having a Junk Room or Junk Closet is a Waste of Space
We had an “office” for me, which I never used, where we put all the furniture we didn’t want. We never went in that room. It was a total waste.
So many people have a room to throw stuff they don’t know what to do with.
This summer we got rid of all that stuff.
And we bought couches and set up an entertainment unit in there so Keith and I have a sitting room now. (I wrote about our trip to Ikea to buy it here. Pretty funny!).
4. It’s better to keep like with like.
We had 5 staplers when we purged our house. 8 between the two households. That’s ridiculous. No one needs 8 staplers.
And I can never find Sharpie pens when I go to send a parcel. But in going through my mom’s stuff I found about 30.
So now we have a new rule in our combined house: Everything has a place, and everything goes in that place. We don’t have staplers in three different rooms. We don’t have Sharpies and packing tape in three different drawers. I don’t have Tylenol in every bathroom and multiple drawers so that it always expires before I get a chance to use them all.
We put everything in one place.
Too often stuff doesn’t have a “place” of its own, and then when we look for something and can’t find it we buy another one. If everything has a place, you wouldn’t do that.
5. There’s a lot of money in stuff you don’t need!
My mom and I knit a lot. And I mean a lot. And between the two of us, we likely have enough yarn to keep three yarn shops open. Part of that is because yarn keeps getting donated to us to ship to the knitting project we started at an orphanage in Africa, and they can only take acrylic (so we end up with all the yummy wool people don’t want!). But it’s also because we go to knitting conferences and knitting stores and we buy stuff.
So when my mom moved in, I knew two things: I wanted to keep the yarn I loved, but I also wanted to be able to find it quickly. That meant it had to be well organized and easily accessible. So I decided which shelves in the storage room could hold yarn, and I said, “this means that if the yarn doesn’t fit in these shelves, it has to go!” (For all you fellow knitters, I also entered all my yarn on Ravelry so it’s easily accessible to me at a glance. If you’re on Ravelry, feel free to find me! I’m sheilagregoire).
And thus started a HUGE purge. I kept only what I loved. And I took the rest and sold it on Kijiji. (That’s a service in Canada that’s free online where you can list stuff for sale locally. I don’t know what the equivalent is in the U.S. or elsewhere, but everyone uses it here).
And I sold some scrapbooking stamping sets I knew I’d never use. And some furniture.
And so far we’ve made $839! Mom and I are planning on taking that money and buying two glider rockers for our new “knitting room”. And even though she wasn’t totally happy with seeing all that yarn go, she was certainly happy that now we can do something with that money instead.
This can be a great way to help your kids get excited about purging, too. Have them choose what toys they love, and then sell the other video games or good quality toys on kijiji with the goal of making enough money to buy something else they really want.
6. It can be better to bless other people than to try to figure out where to store stuff.
While selling stuff is wonderful, it’s not practical to try to sell everything. But you can still bless people! We sent loads and loads to a friend who hosts a huge yard sale for her small church every year that basically keeps the church open. That’s where they get their income–this huge yearly yard sale.
We donated some bookcases to a family that could use them, and some furniture to some university students who are renting from us. Sometimes it’s not worth the work to make the $20 if you sold it, especially when you know the person who could benefit from them.
But you can even donate bigger items! Charities will take your cars and you can even donate your boats and get a tax receipt. You get rid of the hassle, you know you’re helping someone, and you get a tax deduction.
7. We don’t need half the paper stuff we save.
The biggest hassle in purging was paper. You feel like you have to look at each individual thing to make sure you don’t need it, and it takes forever.
And you know what? We tossed 90% of it.
Here are a few tips I’ve found with paper:
Don’t keep instruction manuals. They’re all online. It’s likely faster to Google it when you need it than to try to find the manual in some drawer.
Keeping mementoes of vacations? Ticket stubs? Itineraries? Scan them. I use the Scannable app that goes with the Evernote application. It’s free and it lets you scan any paper item and also makes it searchable (like you can search the text that’s on the paper). I even scan thank you cards!
8. One day somebody is going to have to clear out your house. Make it easier for them now!
The night after my mom moved in this is what our front room looked like, with all the extra stuff we had no idea what to do with:
Pretty much all of it eventually went out the door. But the organizing was really tedious.
Do it now. It will make your life so much more fun! This whole process prompted me to organize my living space, too, and now, for the first time, I truly feel like I know what I have, I love what I have, and I know where everything is. It was an awfully hectic summer getting to this point, but it was worth it.
So figure out what you love and ditch the rest! It’s freeing. And it’s fun.
Let me know in the comments: Have you ever tried the “KonMarie” method of only keeping what you love? What’s your biggest challenge in purging?
The post 8 Things We Learned Getting Rid of Half of Our Stuff appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.
