Sheila Wray Gregoire's Blog, page 152
August 17, 2016
Wifey Wednesday: Setting Goals as a Couple
You think about the plans you can put in place for a how to better yourself for the upcoming year and what you hope to accomplish.
But what if you begin to think about goals setting as something entirely different, as something you and your husband do together?
I’m actually quite passionate about setting goals as a couple.
I think that couples need that common vision, and when you have it, it’s so much easier to bring up issues, like your parenting philosophies or how you spend your money, because you can ask if what you’re doing now fits in with the vision. It makes conflict less personal and more objective, and so it’s easier. And that’s why when Victoria from Creative Homekeeper sent me this post on how to set goals as a couple, I thought it would be a great fit.
Is this something you need to do? Back to school time is a great time to sort out your priorities for the year ahead. Here’s Victoria to tell you why you should add goal setting as a couple to that list:
Many times we approach goal setting as an individualized activity, as something we do for ourselves. Goal setting is more than just an individual act however, it has the ability to completely transform families, but it starts with the goals couples make together.
When husbands and wives sit down together to plan for their marriage and family, big things happen.
The focus is moving from “me” to “we.”
Move from 'me' to 'we'! Checklists to set goals as a couple:
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Yes, there are individual goals to plan, and I a big proponent of those, but I firmly believe in the impact of a strong and vibrant family when we sit down together to cast a vision for our faith, our marriage and for our family.
3 Types of Goals Couples Should Make Together
Goals to Grow in Faith Together
Have you ever set a goal to read through the Bible in one year, serve in your church’s children’s ministry or read a certain number of spiritual growth books for the given year? Those are great goals to grow your faith and strengthen your heart muscles but what if you took it a step further?
What if you and your spouse set the same goals together?
The cornerstone of a strong marriage is one that is built on faith. When we grow in faith together it has a positive impact on our whole family.
Goals couples can set together to grow their faith together might include:
Reading the Bible together every day
Picking a book of the Bible to study and discuss together
Creating a morning or evening devotional time
Reading the same spiritual growth books together and discussing them
Attending church worship together
Participating in a small group or fellowship community together
Picking one ministry in church and commit to serving together
Goals to Strengthen Your Marriage
The single most important relationship outside of our relationship with God, is the one we have with our spouse.
Just like faith is the cornerstone for a strong marriage, a strong marriage is the glue that holds the family together.
Growing and strengthening your marriage should be very high on your priority list, even when you are in seasons where it feels all the energy is being poured out on the kids.
Make your marriage, and your family, strong by sitting down together as a couple and creating goals that will draw you two closer, allowing you to connect spiritually, physically, and emotionally.
Goals that couples can make together to strengthen your marriage might include:
Commit to date night, whether that be one night a week, every two weeks or once a month.
Write love notes or send texts to one another
Read marriage books together and discuss
Connect physically each day through hand holding, hugging, kissing or sex
Plan an overnight date together once a year, if not more
Get in the habit of establishing a weekly meeting
Create a mission statement for your marriage
Goals to Build Your Family
We are living in a day and age where the family is under attack and struggling. Our kids are getting blasted with so many mixed messages and while we can’t hold a blanket out to shelter our children from everything evil in the world, there are goals we can make together to build and strengthen our family.
When our marriages are strong, our families can thrive.
Little hearts feel secure and loved, bigger hearts feel safe and free to communicate with their parents and the trust that develops will be a valuable tool.
Goals that couples (and children) can make together to build your family might include:
Build on your marriage mission statement to include a family mission statement
Read the Bible together as a family
Develop a morning or evening devotional time
Plan a family fun day or night at least once a month or more
Depending on your family’s schedule, make mealtime important (breakfast or dinner)
Read and discuss parenting books together, if your children are older pick a book you can all read together about faith and strong families
Plan a vacation or staycation together
Attend church as a family
Serve or volunteer together
Create a family meeting time
When we sit down together any time of year (because goal setting isn’t just limited to January 1st) and create goals as a couple, we are planning more than just goals.
We are making a plan for strong faith, a strong marriage and even stronger family.
What goals do you make together in your marriage and for your family?
Victoria Osborn is a wife and is a mother to three young children who keep her on her toes most days! She loves Jesus, writing, coffee and all things book related. She is author of Goals with Grace: Goal Setting with Intention & Purpose, a brand new goal setting system that works! You can find her writing at Creative Home Keeper where she helps women aspire to be more purposeful & filled with joy by providing grace-filled tips & resources to live a more simple, intentional & devotional life. You can connect with her on Facebook and Instagram.
Sheila says:
What great motivation! Keith and I need to work more on our spiritual goals. We’re really good at the other things; we’ve decided to pick a book to read together this fall.
Now, people, here’s what you can do about it, too: Pick ONE area that you know you’re weakest in–whether it’s your spiritual life, your marriage goals, or your family–and choose ONE goal that you’re going to work towards. Just start there. Choose one + one. And then talk to your husband about it tonight! Then keep the lists handy and refer back to them over the year to add more goals.
The post Wifey Wednesday: Setting Goals as a Couple appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.
August 16, 2016
10 Tips for Talking to Your Husband About Your Sex Life
The conversation is overdue, but you don’t look forward to it. Because it’s a subject charged with emotion, tension, and potential for more conflict.
How can you approach this sensitive subject? Today my amazing blogging buddy J. Parker, from the awesome website Hot, Holy and Humorous, is here to give us 10 tips to set the right stage for an effective heart-to-heart. She’s recently come out with her book Hot, Holy & Humorous, and she’s awesome. Here she is:
1. Wait until you’re calm.
Right after he’s rejected you sexually, made an unfair demand, or said something hurtful, you’re emotionally charged and defensive. That’s the wrong time to talk. You need to approach the conversation with as much calm and control as you can muster. Step away from the bedroom and approach him when your heartrate is relaxed, your nerves settled, and your mind focused.
2. Choose a conducive setting.
Likewise, the bedroom is usually the wrong place to talk. His or your emotional baggage might stored there, and you need a time and place where you both feel safe. Choose neutral ground or a place that’s connected with good feelings for him—whether that’s your living room couch, a bench at the local park, or a fishing boat. Pick a time of day when neither of you feels exhausted or extra stressed. Set an atmosphere that’s likely to increase positive feelings and make you both feel relaxed.
3. Eye contact isn’t necessary.
If I were chatting with your husband, I’d tell him to try hard to look you in the eye, because most of us ladies feel a deeper connection when face-to-face. But men tend to bond shoulder-to-shoulder and often talk more easily during activities that don’t involve eye contact. It might be more comfortable for your husband to share walking with you or sitting next to you side-by-side. If it encourages him to open up, why not forgo a little eye contact? Help him feel comfortable with the experience.
Need to have a tough conversation with your hubby about sex? 10 tips to make it easier!
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4. Physical contact can lessen tension.
Just the simple act of holding hands while you talk can make the conversation less tense. Studies have shown that physical affection lowers stress by decreasing blood pressure, heart rate, and the stress hormone cortisol and also by releasing oxytocin, a chemical that makes us feel bonded. It’s also a reassuring gesture that you’re on the same side trying to work through a problem together. So hold his hand, stroke his chest, arm, or thigh, or snuggle up close as you talk.
5. Pray before you begin.
For years, my marriage prayers sounded like this: “Lord, please change my husband, because he’s the one messing up our marriage.” Looking back, it’s no surprise this prayer didn’t get answered the way I wanted.
Later, I figured out the better approach: “Lord, please give me an attitude of patience, kindness, and respect and help me to have words of wisdom as I speak to my husband.” That prayer gets answered. When you know you’ve got a tough subject to address, like sex in your marriage, pray before you begin—asking God to give you the right mindset and the right words.
6. Ask questions, and listen to his answers.
I credit Steven Covey, author of 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, for summarizing the principle well as “seek first to understand, then to be understood.” Too often in marriage, we flip those around, talking a subject to death in hopes of making our husband understand where we’re coming from.
But do you care about his perspective? His feelings? His struggles? Whatever the problem between you, he likely has a reason for reacting the way he does, and discovering what’s going on underneath can help you both figure out where to go next. Ask questions and be willing to really listen to what he’s saying.
7. Avoid assumptions and conclusions.
Take time to clarify what you’re each saying, avoiding erroneous assumptions or conclusions. Some of the biggest disagreements in my marriage have come from one of us thinking we understood what the other was saying and reacting negatively, when that wasn’t what the other was saying at all.
We bring our own perspective and baggage to conversations, and—as much as possible—we need to set that down and do our best to understand what our beloved is truly thinking and feeling. And if you aren’t sure, extend grace. Your husband loved you enough to marry you and stay married to you, so give the benefit of the doubt that he wants what’s best for you and the marriage.
8. Deal with the issue at hand.
Oh, how tempting it is when we’re having a disagreement to drag out every last infraction and dangle it before our husbands. We also tend to make statements that involve always and never, such as “You never care about what I want!” Those approaches are nearly guaranteed to evoke wall-building from our husbands. After all, they’re being attacked, so why wouldn’t they erect a fortress to protect their hearts?
Instead, choose one area where you want to start improving your sexual intimacy and talk about that experience. If possible, simply deal with the last time something happened and solve that problem. Improved marriages are made of one problem solved at a time, until problem-by-problem you get on the same page and move toward great intimacy.
9. Agree to change something about yourself.
Even if your husband is to blame for 95% of the difficulties in your marital intimacy, you’ve got 5% resting on your shoulders. Own it. Truthfully, we’re often more responsible than we think. Or we at least could do something to help our husbands out. Ask your husband what one step you could take that would mean so much to him. As long as it’s not against God’s will or your conscience, commit to doing it. And then follow through.
10. Remember you’re on the same side.
When you’re in conflict, it looks like your husband is the enemy. But your husband’s struggle with porn, his misunderstandings about women and sexuality, his ongoing rejections, etc. are hurting him too. Your marital intimacy is under attack, and the way to win is to fight together. You can certainly set boundaries, but make it clear that you are in your husband’s corner, wanting to be a united, one-flesh couple as you work through issues. It’s always easier to talk about our personal failings with someone we know has our back. Be his partner, his advocate, his champion.
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J. PARKER blogs at Hot, Holy & Humorous, using a biblical perspective and a blunt sense of humor to foster godly sexuality. Learn more about her newest book, Hot, Holy, and Humorous: Sex in Marriage by God’s Design HERE.
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August 15, 2016
It’s My Birthday. So I’ve Got a Present for You!
And for the last week I’ve been working really hard at something that I just finished, and I think you’re going to like it! I’ve created a FREE women’s study guide to go along with the book, complete with video and everything. You can check it out here!
I’m really happy with how it turned out.
I’ve been getting so many emails from people saying, “that was one of the best marriage books I’ve ever read!”
Just over the weekend one reader, N.N., wrote:
I just finished your book “9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage”, and absolutely loved it. It gave me motivation to keep on trying to stay connected even though my husband is sometimes making it difficult. Thank you for making such a difference in my life.
Then, as I was giving my Girl Talk last year, I started hearing about groups who were using the book in their study, even though I didn’t have a study guide written.
So I decided to write up a group study guide for it and film a series of videos to go along with it.
And I decided to make it free–for a little while, anyway!
I posted on Instagram, and take a look at the comments:
When I first moved to the little town where I live, my girls were little–just 1 and 3. And we started going to a women’s Bible study that had childcare at a local church every Thursday morning. It was so much fun. I got to know the women, especially some of the older ones who became mentors. I got a chance to really dig into Scripture. And within a year or two I was leading studies of my own. It was a transformational time for me.
I know how powerful it can be to get together and study a book and study God’s word with other women.
So I’ve put this women’s group study together, and I’m really proud of it. I’ve got an 8-week version and a 6-week version, and each week has:
An opening question to get the conversation going
A video
A series of questions to take you through the material
Prompt for private meditation
Prompts for group prayer
Notes for leaders if there are any potential landmines in the material (like for the sex chapter or the submission chapter!)
And it’s all free! I’m going to start charging in February, I believe, but that means that you can enroll now and use the study in the fall or winter without paying anything.
If you’re a Bible study leader or MOPS group leader, or if you belong to a women’s Bible study and you’re looking for material to study this year, or even if you’d just like to get some women together and talk about a book together, it’s all laid out so easily for you. (And it’s free right now!)
So head on over and check it out!
See 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage
(The videos for the first two thoughts are live now. The other ones are mostly filmed and edited, but my internet connection is super slow so I can only upload one overnight each night. So the others will be coming out in drips and drabs! But they’ll all be up by the end of next week. Seriously. I need a new internet connection.)
But what if you’re not part of a group?
I’ve put up an individual study plan for the book as well, with the same video to watch, but also some suggestions on questions to pray through and how to journal your thoughts. So if you’ve purchased the book but never read it, or if you
Check it out here!
I’m super proud of this book.
I wanted to write a DIFFERENT kind of book about marriage–something that was filling a gap. I didn’t want to write another version of the same thing about how to love your husband well. So I started looking at all the emails I get on a regular basis–and I get alot!–and all the comments I get, and I noticed a common theme.
People were stuck in their marriage, and they had tried what all the books had suggested, and nothing was working. Why?
So I started thinking back to the first years of my own marriage.
Often when we feel lonely in marriage, we focus on that loneliness. And we think that God is on our side! Because He is close to the brokenhearted, He must have compassion on you. And so we keep pouring out our prayers and our loneliness, and we inadvertently reinforce this distance between us and our husbands, building up more and more walls, until we end up treating each other badly without even meaning to. And we grow further and further apart.
That was the story of the first few years of our marriage, and it was only when I decided that concentrating on how lonely I felt was doing absolutely nothing for my marriage, and instead I should figure out how to actually have a good marriage that our marriage changed. My thoughts were heading me in the wrong direction. And I have found that again and again with women. Sometimes it’s the littlest changes that can make the biggest difference!
But there’s another aspect to the book that’s important. A lot of Christian books sound a little bit like they’re giving “pat answers“. Do you know what I mean by that? When you say something, like: “just pray about it!”, “just respect him more!”, or “just figure out his love language!”, or even, “just have sex more!” But the thing about pat answers is that they are sometimes, or even usually, true. They’re just not always true. And when we talk about them as if they’re always true, then they make those people in marriages where that isn’t the issue feel as if there’s no hope or that there’s something wrong with them.
I think we’re starting from the wrong premise.
Here’s the right one: God wants all of us to look more and more like Jesus, but the way we get there is going to be different for everybody. And He wants us to act like Jesus, but Jesus acted differently according to the circumstances. Sometimes He got angry, sometimes He showed mercy, sometimes He did nothing but listen. So our job is not to learn a set of actions that will make everything better. Our job is to learn to be Good, like Jesus was, not Nice, like our culture often tells us.
Does that make sense? I hope so. But I think that’s why people have found the book refreshing. Plus it’s a ton of fun because I can be awfully funny. And in this book I really open up about my own marriage, maybe more than I have anywhere else (including this blog).
I wish I had done this a year ago.
But quite frankly, I was too busy with the launch of the book. So I put this on my to-do list for this summer, and I did it! And it’s a way for me to celebrate this book again, because it really does show my heart (and I’ll be on FamilyLife Today radio talking about it on September 5 & 6, too!).
I know many of you read my blog everyday, and get a lot out of it.
That’s wonderful. I’m so glad, and that’s why I write so much and why I make it free–because I want to make a difference in people’s lives.
But let me just say that if you’ve never actually read any of my books you’re missing the bigger picture. And I put WAY more thought into the books than I do into my blog posts. 
August 12, 2016
Is There Sex After Kids?
With exhaustion and physical changes, it’s all too easy for sex to come to a standstill.
I’ve written about this before, but today I am so thrilled to have my friends Ruth and Patrick Schwenk, from The Better Mom and For The Family, join me with an excerpt from their new book, For Better or For Kids: A Vow to Love Your Spouse with Kids in the House, which I was happy to endorse before it was published. Ruth and I are great “online buddies”, and she and her husband Patrick are really down to earth. So today, for my quick marriage moment where I give you ONE thought to keep you with you over the weekend, I thought I’d share their insights on keeping sex alive even after you’re a parent.
Sheila’s Marriage Moment: Make Sure There’s Sex Even AFTER Kids!
“So, is there sex after kids?” we asked some friends. Ruth was close to giving birth to our firstborn, and this was an important question. We had heard the horror stories about romance after kids. We needed answers. Or at least I (Patrick) needed answers.
How could the very thing that brought these kids into the world be lost once they arrived? I wondered. It was understandable from a physical perspective to need some recovery time after child- birth. But the stories of no sex for an extended time—stories of tired moms, diminished sex drives, limited privacy, and loss of spontaneity in the bedroom—that got my attention. As a man, husband, and father, I was concerned.
I (Ruth) wasn’t that worried about it. I was having my first child, and all I could think about was caring for him. Of course I’ll still spend plenty of time with my husband in the bedroom, I thought. What’s the big deal? I let it pass as a fleeting thought, convinced that everything would remain the same.
Boy, was I wrong! I was in no way prepared for how my body felt physically and how I felt emotionally after giving birth.
The answer to the question we posed to our friends, of course, is, “yes.” There is sex after kids. But if you are like most couples, romance in general is different after kids enter the picture. The early years of marriage with kids were tough.
As a guy, I (Patrick) wasn’t overly sensitive to the fact that a seven-pound human being had passed out of Ruth’s body. Lacking wisdom and full of selfishness, I was oblivious to even the physical changes caused by having kids.
For me (Ruth), sex and romance became more of an after-thought. It wasn’t that I didn’t love and want to be with my husband; I was just exhausted. With the constant pull and tug of parenting, sex at the end of the day sometimes seemed too much. I wasn’t always sensitive to my husband’s need.
We both lacked wisdom.
Nothing had changed for me (Patrick). Everything had changed for me (Ruth).
We had to learn to reengage and cultivate a healthy life of romance.
Having a healthy sex life takes plenty of exploring, which is where the fun comes in. Many couples, especially with kids in the house, settle into an unhealthy rut in their romance. Sex is always done at the same time, in the same place, in the same way. The very act that is meant to bring incredible pleasure and intimacy can become about as interesting as brushing your teeth (that may be a little bit of an exaggeration). But be aware that, as with any new experience, there is a learning curve.
We don’t enter marriage and the bedroom having it all figured out. We had to learn how to drive a car. It will take time to figure out sex. So don’t be afraid to talk to each other. There is no shame in working together to communicate about what works and what feels good. A couple’s knowledge of each other should extend into the bedroom. Learning what pleases each other takes time, humility, and communication.
The point is, we should guard against letting boredom settle into our bedroom. Get creative. Read a book together. Try out new positions. Schedule a different time of day. Switch rooms. Do something different to spice things up!
Patrick Schwenk is a husband, father, and pastor. Ruth Schwenk is a wife, mom, and blogger. She and her husband are the creators of FortheFamily.org and TheBetterMom.com. Patrick and Ruth have been married for more than seventeen years, have four children, and have been in full-time ministry for over fifteen years. Their first book together, For Better or For Kids: A Vow to Love Your Spouse with Kids in the House just released!
For Better or For Kids is a book packed full of our personal stories of marriage and parenting over the last 18 years, practical help and biblical wisdom that will enable you to have a loving and intimate marriage regardless of the season of life you find yourself in. Grab your copy today at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, Christianbook or anywhere books are sold.
What’s #1 at To Love, Honor and Vacuum?
This week we look at #1’s and #5’s and while I remember some difficult things, I also want to leave you with a few thoughts to ponder and a few things I’ve learned.
#1 NEW Post on the Blog: Why I’m Okay 20 Years After My Son Died
#5 on the Blog Overall: Remembering…
#1 from Facebook: 10 Things That Scare Me About The “Purity Culture”
#5 from Pinterest: 10 Things I Learned While Living In An RV With My Husband
Just Wanted to Say Thank You Again to Everyone…
I really did have a rough weekend last weekend on what would have been my son’s twentieth birthday. But all of your notes and support and even just how many people were interested in reading his story (and how many did) was a great comfort. So thank you! And I’m doing quite well now. I kept really busy this week continuing to sort my house out, and it’s coming along really well!
Guess What I Did This Week?
I started filming the video portions of the Bible study for 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage.
It’s going to be totally FREE. If your group wants to use the book as a study, you can access it and the videos and the notes for leaders totally free. I’ll be telling you about it on Monday, but it’s a great study. I know of several groups who have used the book for a study before and they totally loved it. It’s great to challenge some of the “pat answers” we believe about marriage and relationships and look deeper into what God’s word actually says.
Here’s my Instagram post about it:
A photo posted by Sheila Gregoire (@sheilagregoire) on Aug 11, 2016 at 1:34pm PDT
And hey, that couch I’m sitting on is one that we picked up on that now famous trip to Ikea! Keith had to put it together but it looks great. And the entertainment unit around the TV is coming along, too. I’ll try to remember to post a complete picture next week when the room is all finished!
By the way, Rebecca agreed to write that post!
I had a few people ask after that post on talking to your daughters about sex that they’d love Rebecca’s perspective. She said she’d write it for sure, but right now she’s working hard at finishing her book on Why She Didn’t Rebel, which is due at the publishers soon.
But once that book is in she’s actually going to be working for me halftime, and likely writing for the blog quite a bit to give more of the “newlywed” perspective. And she’ll be taking care of all my email blasts to all of you, to make sure that they’re content that you’re interested in. She’s good at that. So hopefully I’ll have time to create some more books and products (I have a really cool thing I want to create for a marriage retreat, and I’m hoping to do that over the next few months). So you’ll likely get to know her better, too!
Latergram from our stay-at-home date night last night. Über foods is now my favourite thing. ❤️
August 11, 2016
How Do You Handle Sibling Rivalry? Stopping Kids’ Fights Effectively
Every Thursday this month I’ve been running an article to help equip moms for parenting effectively once the school year starts again! And I’ve been trying to emphasize some advice that sometimes goes against the grain of what we’re told in Christian circles, which often emphasize outward obedience rather than actual character training.
I was thrilled when Connected Families contacted me to talk about their “Peace Process“, where they’re equipping parents to raise peaceful kids. It’s really cool. From Jim and Lynne Jackson, who founded Connected Families, here’s what it looks like in practice:
“Knock it off!,” one kid commands. The other raises the energy and volume, “Knock it off yourself! I was here first!” You round the corner just as they erupt into a volatile war of insults. You interrupt with parental volume and energy. “This is NOT OK! Go to time out until you can say you’re sorry!” Or perhaps you threaten a spanking if they keep this up.
The kids quiet down, and wanting to go on with life, each smugly utters the word “sorry” through angry glares. They keep it together for a while afterward, not wanting your intervention any time soon, but truly repentant, apologetic hearts are nowhere to be found.
Scenes like this unfold in good homes every day. Siblings fight. It’s natural and normal. The way parents routinely deal with it determines whether the kids will grow up well-equipped to navigate conflict… or not.
Sadly, the typical way parents engage with sibling conflict does little to help kids learn valuable conflict resolution skills.
Motivated by good intentions to teach the value of respecting each other, parents unwittingly teach their kids to hide their conflicts or to depend on parental intervention to make it stop. What’s needed is far more than forced apologies, time-outs, and spankings. To grow the value of true reconciliation, kids need to learn to understand each other and value solving problems like this on their own – none of which is accomplished by the above approaches.
Reconciliation is at the heart of biblical teaching about conflict. Jesus teaches in Matthew 5:23,24,
Suppose you… remember that your brother or sister has something against you… go and make peace with them.
In Matthew 18:15-17 he gives further instruction about going through conflict – and gives the primary goal: listening in order to resolve! People naturally regard these verses as written to and for adults.
The problem: We somehow think our kids will magically figure out conflict resolution as adults without giving them opportunities to learn healthy strategies as children.
Kids won't figure out conflict resolution as adults without opportunities to learn as children.
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As we look at the divisions in the church and the state of marriages today, teaching this to young kids is critically important!!
In our home we embraced the belief that the scriptural guidelines for conflict resolution apply as soon as kids can talk, so we began this work when our very sensitive daughter was two and having conflicts with our intense, oldest (five-year-old) son. We had lots of opportunities to work on this.
We taught our kids that God created us to have close, connected loving relationships, and when we hurt each other with our words or hands it breaks that connection. When that happens, it’s not enough to say a quick or insincere “Sorry” and move on. It’s the job of the people involved to resolve the conflict in a way that truly reconnects their hearts! It was rewarding to watch our kids’ joy and closeness grow as they learned practical ways to “make right what they’d made wrong” in their relationship. Our kids grew to be dear friends and have great relationships with others.
We call the approach we used, “The Peace Process.”
Learn the 4-step Peace Process to teach your kids to deal with sibling fights!
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It’s a simple guide that helps parents wisely guide kids to value true reconciliation. The process has four basic steps:
Calm down
understand each other
solve the conflict
celebrate (even the smallest steps of progress).
Recently a five-year-old whose parents have started using this process was in a scuffle with her little brother. He was being too aggressive and the dad intervened the old way. She blurted out, “No, Daddy! Don’t give him a time out! I want to do the Peace Process!”
This can happen with your kids.
It starts with you. Think of the four steps as a stepping stone path to true reconciliation – with you leading the way:
Calm:
Develop a habit of taking a deep breath when your kids start fighting (unless there is imminent danger, in which case, do what’s needed to stop it and come back to this process as soon as you can). Remind yourself that conflict is normal and that your calm response will help your kids learn to calm down too. Sometimes, in your effort to calm down, the kids will notice and will calm down too. If not, calmly ask what they need in order to calm down. Offer them time to cool down. A phrase we often coach parents to use is, “Do you kids need to find a comfortable spot to calm down before you’re ready to work this out?”
More than once one or the other of us said to our kids during conflict, “I need a break because I’m upset and I don’t want to disrespect you.” This modelled both the importance and an approach for self-calming.
Understand.
As the kids calm down, ask yourself, “What’s going on with the kids and how could I let them know I understand?” Then ask, “How can I help them understand each other?” How do they each feel? Do your best to make empathetic statements with them as an example and then ask them to reflect on how the other child is feeling. See if they’ll talk to each other about it. It’s amazing what a little empathy can do.
Solve.
At the core of solving is restoring. This is why insincere “Sorry’s” don’t help kids really learn. To restore means asking, How did your actions hurt someone else? And how do you want to make things right? At first it will feel awkward and kids will need your help. So ask them, “You two used your words to hurt each other, how do you want to use words to make things right?” As they learn this process they’ll be able to come up with their own ideas.
Celebrate!
Philippians 4:8 invites us to dwell on whatever is good. As kids make even the smallest amount of progress, instead of focusing on what they’ve not yet done well, give smiles, high-fives, and hugs for little steps of progress. When it comes to encouraging progress, affirming energy directed at little bright spots far outweighs critical energy to what’s still going wrong.
As you develop the habit of calming, seeking understanding, working not just for consequences but solutions, and celebrating, little by little the kids will follow your lead. And soon perhaps your kids will ask for the “Peace Process” too! Now that’s something to celebrate!
Jim & Lynne Jackson have spent the last 20 years coaching and teaching parents. You can learn more about the Peace Process here, or about the ministry they founded at www.connectedfamilies.org .
The post How Do You Handle Sibling Rivalry? Stopping Kids’ Fights Effectively appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.
August 10, 2016
Can YOU Be the Kind of Mom Your Kids Will Want to Talk to About Sex?
A while ago I posted a reader question on my Facebook Page, which I thought was really good.
A Reader Asks: “My daughter is getting married and I want to make a fun “honeymoon care package” for her. I’m going to include The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, some lubricant, and candles, but does anyone else have any ideas? Nothing too expensive because we’re on a major budget!”
I was actually kind of surprised by the answers. Maybe not quite half thought it was a good idea, but most women were saying, “Ick! Major boundary issue!”
The night before her wedding I gave my daughter a gift bag with lubricant and condoms.
I knew they were on a major budget and that stuff can be expensive. In fact, I even put condoms and lubricant in my son-in-law’s Christmas stocking this year (and by the way–did you know one of my most popular posts on this blog is stocking stuffers for husbands? Pin it or bookmark it for Christmas!)
So there are two big questions: why do some families think it’s no big deal to be open about sex like this, and why would some families be mortified? And which is right?
Would you give your adult daughter a 'honeymoon package' with lube or lingerie? Why it matters!
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Let’s try to dive into this because I think there’s something awfully important going on below the surface.
The way we react to the idea of talking about sex with our daughters is often based on how we feel about talking about it with our moms.
If your mom never talked about sex to you and was very prim and proper and never let it be known that she was a sexual being, then that’s likely how you saw her. She’s a mom, not a wife. And then, if she had suddenly, out of the blue, decided to launch into a conversation about sex it would have been the most awkward thing in the world. All you’d be able to think is “please please please shut up shut up shut up oh won’t you please just be quiet?”
And that’s how we intrinsically think of mother-daughter relationships. It’s based on how we related to our mothers.
Sometimes your relationship with your mom is so rough that you determine to do the exact opposite with your kids, and everything’s fine. But quite often we just repeat what seems natural and normal. And so the idea of having a relatively open-door policy when it comes to conversations about sex seems really weird.
But is that really the way it should be?
Think of the message that this gives kids: sex is something taboo. Sex is something that can’t be talked about normally. Sex is therefore not normal; secretive; and perhaps shameful. It’s something that we’re embarrassed about.
At the same time, we know we’re supposed to tell them that God made sex to be a beautiful part of marriage and that they’re supposed to be enjoy it when they’re married. But if we say those words but also give the impression that “I’m really not comfortable with this”, then we’re sharing mixed messages. And the kids will pick up on the shame part, not the “really great in marriage” part.
Kids are going to gravitate to find information about this from the people who seem to be the most open about it and who enjoy it the most. If you’re always awkward then they’ll assume you aren’t a good source of information because you really don’t want to talk about it.
And, in many cases, they may assume that marriage is where sex goes to die.
If you avoid talking about sex, your kids may assume marriage is where sex goes to die.
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But, Sheila, shouldn’t there be boundaries?
Yes, absolutely.
Saying that we should talk about sex openly is definitely not the same thing as saying that we should share with our kids the details of our sex lives.
In fact, one of the first bad reviews I had for The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex on Amazon was from a woman who said that there shouldn’t be books like this–we should all just be talking to our mothers. And I replied that most people would never want to learn about things in this much detail from our moms.
I have a great relationship with my daughters, but I gave Rebecca the book before she was married, and one of her comments was, “I’m glad you wrote this because now we don’t have to talk about it so much!” Being open to talking about sex doesn’t mean that you have to talk about absolutely all the details.
But you should feel comfortable talking in certain parameters.
If you feel uncomfortable talking with your kids about sex, then there may be issues you have to work through. Either you’re scared of what your kids will do or that they’ll rebel, or you have so many mixed feelings about the whole thing yourself that it’s hard for you to talk about it honestly. If it’s the latter, then please, read something like The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex which can help you see God’s purposes for sex and help stop any shame you may feel. Whatever you do, DON’T inadvertently pass your shame onto your children!
Your kids need more, and deserve more. You need to be a safe place. So work on yourself so that you can be that for your children.
What does talking to your kids about sex look like?
It isn’t one conversation. And I don’t think it’s even planned. It’s just simply participating in conversations when the kids bring it up. Here’s what I mean:
Guidelines for Keeping the Conversation About Sex Open with Your Kids
Answer questions at an appropriate level without freaking out
Kids sense from a very young age when a topic is off limits. A child between the ages of 4 and 10 is going to start to ask questions about sex in some form. If, when they do, you stiffen up and become super formal and sit them down for a “serious conversation”, or if you dismiss it, they’ll learn “there’s something wrong with me for wanting to talk about this” (even if they don’t know what THIS is), and “I shouldn’t bring this up with mom.”
If, on the other hand, you just keep doing what you’re doing and have a natural conversation at their level, it will be fine. I often found that it was when we were doing dishes or riding in the car or something that my chatterbox Katie would come out with something, and I’d just go with it, with no change in tone of voice or anything.
This made the girls feel that they really could ask me stuff.
Use teachable moments as kids grow
I remember the girls being really disturbed a girl they knew when they were about 12-14. This girl would wear clothing that showed her cleavage (she was really well developed at a very young age) and extremely short skirts. She’s openly flirt in church. And my girls could not get over it.
When they brought it up sex would naturally come up–“what do you think the boys are thinking?” or “why do you think she’s dressing like that?” “How can we help her?”
Just be a safe place
I’ve never had to bring up uncomfortable topics because my girls always brought them up first. I remember when Katie was 13 and she came in to my room so upset because “One of my friends is having oral sex with her boyfriend!” Now, I didn’t even know that Katie knew what oral sex was. I was a little disappointed that my little sweet innocent girl did. But while I was flinching majorly inside I didn’t flinch on the outside and we just talked about it and figured out how to pray about it.
Similarly, when Rebecca was 14 she came home from camp one year really disturbed about how the camp had talked about masturbation. Again, I wasn’t sure how much she knew about that word, but she kept talking about it (I can’t remember now what the problem was), and we got through that conversation.
Because I never flinched and just kept on with the conversation without making a big deal about it the girls never thought “I can’t talk to mom about this” or “this makes mom really uncomfortable.”
And then as they grew it became so much easier to talk about porn, too, because that’s such an important conversation, even with girls. Porn is not just a male problem, and we need to make sure our daughters are prepared, too (which is why I really recommend Covenant Eyes as soon as you have any preteens in your house–male or female! Get 1 month free using this link).
Encourage them safely
So now that my daughter is married, I can give her lubricant and condoms. But I don’t ask her if she’s used them! I know she’ll talk to me if she needs to. But I also know that she has a bunch of married friends at church and a bunch of mentors, and if she has specific problems she’ll likely go to them.
So there’s a bit of a divide: we’re comfortable talking about sex in the abstract, but we don’t talk about it in the specific. And I think that’s healthy, because there is that divide between parent and child where you don’t really share about your own sexual self. Maybe it’s because of our hardwired incest taboo or something, I don’t know, but there is a line where most people don’t cross. But to joke about things in general, or to talk about big picture issues, or to point people in the right direction for help–that’s all good to do.
I always wanted to be the kind of mom who could give her married kids lingerie or lubricant! And I’m glad I am.
But what do you think? Should some things be off limits? Let’s talk in the comments!
Oh, and you may also enjoy this post on how to raise kids with a healthy view of sex.
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August 9, 2016
The Funny Thing I Learned About My Husband This Weekend
I can’t write a long post today because my computer crashed on the weekend and I took it in to be fixed, and it’s hard to do graphics on my iPad. So I just want to tell you a funny story.
(Side note: I’m seriously nervous about my computer! I think I saved most of the important data, though I know I’ll lose a bit, but I also know I have a really good Time Machine Backup from May. I don’t want to use one that’s more recent because I had a virus. Anyway, I know I did the backup. I just am not certain which external hard drive it’s on, and I have a bunch. Which makes me nervous that I lost it. I guess I’ll find out this morning, but I hate worrying about little things like that! And from now on I shall label my hard drives and keep them all in the same place!)
Anyway, here’s what happened.
First, a bit of background. I have about 30,000 people on my newsletter list, and I want to make sure that I send people information that’s actually relevant to them, not just blasting 30,000 people with tons of stuff all the time.
So I had the newsletter automatically keep track of certain things, like which links were clicked, so that I could send people more of what they liked. (and I don’t share this info with anybody; don’t worry at all!)
I wasn’t sure if it was working, so I decided to check my husband’s profile. Here’s what I found:
Okay. That’s hilarious! So his interest is spicing things up.
So then I decided to check my own profile, and here’s what I found:
And my interest apparently is homemaking.
Too funny! So I guess Keith has been clicking on things about spicing things up and ignoring things about parenting.
I was in the living room with him when I figured this out so I told him and he said,
Well, honey, I just feel really called to keep you accountable about what you write, you know!
Again, too funny.
He’s actually rated as a “better” subscriber than me, too, because he opens almost everything I send, whereas I only open if I worry there’s a problem. He asked me a few months ago how he could really help me on the blog and I said that opening and clicking on my emails would help and every time he saw something from me on Facebook to hit “like” that would help, because it increases my reach. So he’s been absolutely faithful about that. And he makes it a point to click on at least one link a week–and I guess now I know what he clicks on!
August 8, 2016
Why I’m Okay 20 Years After My Son Died
I posted about it on my Facebook Page and I was just blown away by all your kind messages and responses and even the personal emails. Truly blown away. Thank you very much. It made me feel so supported! I wanted to publicly acknowledge that, because I don’t know if you all realize how much personal comments, either here or on the blog, really mean to all of us bloggers. When we just type onto a screen while we’re sitting in our living room, it can feel really impersonal. And then all we can see if numbers–how many people read this or saw this.
But when you comment, I feel so much better, like, “those are real people! And they care not just about what I say but about me, too.” That meant a lot to me this weekend.
My daughter Katie was away this weekend doing hair for a wedding, so she wasn’t around on his birthday. But she texted me (unprompted!) at 7:30 in the morning, which was very kind. She’s a good kid.
I sometimes find my emotions around Christopher confusing when it comes to Katie. We wouldn’t have had her if he hadn’t have died, and we love her so much. That’s a funny thought, though, isn’t it? As if you’re choosing between two children or something.
But as the years go on I find it much easier to just hold the two of them in separate hands. What I feel for the one doesn’t impact what I feel for the other, and I can be sad about him and still be happy about her without betraying either. Our human brains can’t quite hold all of these emotions, but I think God somehow helps me to sort them out.
Why I'm Okay 20 Years After My Son Died--a story you need to read.
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The really big feeling that I had on Saturday, though, was one more of gratitude.
I was thinking back to his delivery and how scared we were (we knew that his heart was really bad before he was born, so we knew it would be difficult). We were so young. So very young.
We were only in our mid-twenties, and we had to make so many difficult decisions and handle such difficult news. And somehow we did.
And as the years have gone on we’ve been okay. We really have. Yes, we’ve cried and yes, we’ve mourned, but we’ve honestly been grateful too: Grateful for the family we have, grateful for the time we did have to spend with him, and grateful for how God brought us through that.
And, really, God honestly has brought us through for the last twenty years.
I received an email from a woman this weekend who told me that she had a “complicated relationship” with God and the church, but she likes reading my emails anyway because I don’t make her feel condemned.
I’m glad. I know that many of you who read me faithfully don’t see God the way I do, so thank you for the liberty you’re giving me to talk about this today. But yesterday, as I was out for a walk I was just trying to isolate what it was that helped Keith and me heal from those wounds of losing a child.
And a few thoughts came to me.
Our perspective certainly helped.
I remember the first time I visited the graveyard shortly after he died. And I had this overwhelming feeling that Cheist other was not there. It was almost an empty feeling as I looked down at his grave. But at the same time, I had this vision of a little bubbly boy in heaven, and I felt heaven for the first time. I can’t explain it, but I knew that heaven was real because I knew that my son was there. It wasn’t just some intellectual thing where you know that heaven is where you’ll go when you die, way off in the future. Heaven was NOW.
And knowing that God understands suffering and hurt somehow made me feel that when I was sad, God was sad right there with me.
Death was never his intended plan. It only came because humanity chose to live without God and do our own thing, and so the real intimacy we were supposed to have was broken. And that brought death.
God gets mad at death, too. So it’s not wrong to feel sad. And knowing that Jesus Himself is called “The Man of Sorrows” meant that I could talk to Him about it and He wouldn’t be upset at me for not “getting over grief” or dismiss me. He’d sit down with me in my pain.
And finally, just feeling loved by God helped tremendously.
To think that the God who created the universe and holds it all in His hands sent His Son to earth to live with us and laugh with us and die for us, and now wants to have a relationship with us–that really is amazing. That I can pray, anywhere I am, even in my head, and He hears me. That’s awesome, in every sense of the word.
But those things–knowing there’s a heaven; knowing God understands pain; knowing that God hears prayers; while true, and while certainly elements of faith, are not the whole package.
They started the journey towards peace that I really do have, but they are only a part of the story.
I’ve been trying to figure out how to explain the big part, the central part, because all the rest is dancing around the edges. It’s necessary, but it’s like a prequel to the main thing.
And then I remembered a neat story in Acts chapter 16. Paul and Silas had been telling people about Jesus and they got in trouble. They were put in jail, and their feet were chained up to the walls. And while in jail they started to sing praises and pray. About midnight this earthquake came, and every prison door flew open and the chains came loose.
That’s how I feel.
When we praise God, we break chains.
Paul didn’t break those chains. He didn’t pray the right thing so that the chains were broken. He didn’t have the right perspective so that the chains were broken. God broke those chains because Paul gave God room in his life.
Let me explain what I mean, because this is so crucial to understand. Praising God in a situation like that doesn’t mean saying that everything is peachy keen and life is great and I’m absolutely ecstatic about being in chains. Praising God in a situation like that, I think, simply means saying,
God, this is really tough, but I know that you’re with me, and what happens here is not going to change my opinion of you. I love you, and I want to serve you, and whatever happens, I know that you’re using it.
Praising, I think, just means acknowledging WHO God is and who we are in response to Him. He’s the Big Guy; we’re not. We don’t have to be in control.
When we say that–I don’t have to be in control–then we give Him the authority to do stuff in our lives.
Sure, God has the power to do whatever He wants, but He doesn’t just barge in unless we invite Him. He doesn’t do things unless we really want Him to.
And when we say, “I yield myself to you, no matter what,” God does amazing things.
They praised–they gave up control. And God did an amazing thing.
That’s what I think happened to me. The more I said to God, “I am yours,” the more room He had to work on my heart without me even seeing it. I can’t even explain it except to tell you that even though I had to watch my son die I am a whole person, I am at peace, I am strong. And it’s what God did in me.
I know many of you have that same “complicated relationship” with God and the church. I just want to tell you today that it’s okay to be confused and it’s okay to not have everything sorted out. But when we can come to God and say, “I am yours, whatever happens,” and mean it–we set God free to change us. And He does. When we admit that we need Him, that we’ve messed up, that we can’t do this on our own and we want Him to take over–He does.
Too often when we think of God we think of sin–I did these terrible things, and I have to fix them. That makes God seem angry and us seem like we have such a huge hill to climb, sort of like how smokers who are trying to quit feel or how people who join Weight Watchers feel. “This is going to take so much will power and discipline.” And who wants will power and discipline?
But it’s not like that. It’s more like a father who just wants the best for his children. That means that his kids shouldn’t be stupid and make bad decisions for sure! And Jesus died so that we wouldn’t have to bear the punishment of what we have done. God wants us to live right.
But the way we live right isn’t be trying so much as it is by acknowledging WHO God is and giving him the authority to start to change us. It’s by acknowledging I’ve done wrong; I need you; I can’t do this on my own. And then starting to talk to God and get to know Him.
And God is one who breaks the chains.
God isn't asking you to fix your life. He's asking you to give up control so He can fix it.
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He isn’t asking you into a relationship with Him so that you can straighten yourself out and be perfect. He’s asking you into a relationship with Him so you can be totally honest before Him and authentic and real, and let Him be in control so He can start His work on your heart.
I’m okay today because God made me okay. That started with me giving up control, but it ended with God doing His thing.
If there’s anything on this blog that I really want you to get, it’s that. God can do amazing things in our marriages when we start by giving Him control. God can do amazing things in our kids when we start by giving Him control. God can do amazing things helping us get through hard times when we start just giving Him control.
And He really is there, waiting for you. If you don’t understand that, that’s okay. But I dare you to just start talking to God. Just start asking Him if He’s real. Just start telling Him how. You feel and having those conversations. And start seeing what happens!
The post Why I’m Okay 20 Years After My Son Died appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.
August 5, 2016
Are You a Changemaker in Your Family?
Every Friday I like to post a quick, 400-word inspirational thought to take you through the weekend. And today’s is about recognizing the influence we have–and using it!
Sheila’s Marriage Moment: Be a ChangeMaker!
Yesterday morning I was browsing on Twitter when I saw a tweet that made me feel so much lighter.
Some people make the lives of others better. They are leaders. Others talk about making peoples’ lives better. They are politicians.
— Richard Blackaby (@richardblackaby) August 3, 2016
Why did that tweet have that effect? It’s because I’m a political junkie. And I spend far too much time reading news and listening to news and obsessing over news, especially around election time. It gets my stomach in knots. It raises my blood pressure. And I keep thinking: “Why don’t people just UNDERSTAND this the way I do?!?”
But when I read that tweet, I think God whispered something to me in my angst. He said, “I have given you the chance to be a real woman of influence in the people’s lives around you. And the influence that you can have, if you run with the gifts I’ve given you, is far greater than any politician.”
The influence we have over our kids is far greater than any politician's. So don't worry so much!
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And it’s true, isn’t it? The way we treat our kids will impact them far more than income tax rates or wars or terrorism or even Supreme Court justice picks because the influence we have is eternal. The way we treat our husbands will influence our families, our neighbourhoods, and our churches even more than any policy about transgendered bathrooms or NSA spying techniques. That’s not to say that politics doesn’t matter; only that we should understand that in the lives of the people closest to us, we are more powerful than any president or prime minister.
I wrote a post a while ago about spending time in our sphere of influence. The more emotional energy, time and prayer that we put into the people and things that we can influence, the greater our influence grows. But so many of us spend most of our emotional energy obsessing over things over which we have no control. We worry about layoffs at work or bad corporate policies. We worry about politics. We even worry about church politics! And we talk and talk and talk and we miss out on opportunities to build relationships and build character in us and those around us.
When you choose to love; when you choose to forgive; when you choose to pray, to say a kind word, to step outside your comfort zone and participate in something that someone you love enjoys–you change the dynamics in your relationship. That changes your family. And when we do that, we really do have the ability to change the world of the people around us.
God gave you more power and influence than you may be believe.
So be a Change Maker, and spend your time and energy changing your corner of the world by letting God’s Spirit work through you.
Don't waste energy worrying about things you can't change. Be a Change Maker instead!
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What’s #1 at To Love, Honor and Vacuum?
This week we explore marriage, both the good and bad parts, and some great sex tips to help you get the most out of all those intimate moments!
#1 NEW Post on the Blog: How Can I Become More Orgasmic?
#1 on the Blog Overall: Top 10 Tips For Initiating Sex With Your Husband
#1 from Facebook: Top 10 Sex And Marriage Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore
#5 from Pinterest: 29 Days To Great Sex Day 1: The Act Of Marriage
Live Facebook Video Finally Came to Canada!
Yay! For a while it was only available in the U.S., and then only to select Canadians, but now it’s everyone. So I’m going to use live video to communicate more with my supporters and tell them what I was thinking about that day’s post. I have quite a lot to say about today’s, so if you’re one of my supporters, tune in around 9:30 EST. (I’m assuming I’ll be able to have a shower by then!)
And what’s a supporter? It’s someone who supports me for as little as $5 a month. And in return they get these videos, some chat sessions, free ebooks and audio downloads, discounts on me speaking, free ultimate bundles, and more. Then I use the money to hire more help around here and to support anti-sex trafficking initiatives. Find out more here!
I’ve Spent This Week Helping My Mom Move In
And it’s coming along really well. We got rid of pretty much all the boxes, and we’re just rearranging stuff now. And all the furniture that we bought on Wednesday has to be assembled this weekend, so that’s our big project. I hope to have pics to show you next week!
I hope you have an awesome weekend, too!
The post Are You a Changemaker in Your Family? appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.
August 4, 2016
When Your Teen is Disrespectful: A Strategy to Stop the Mouthiness!
Do you ever feel like your teen or tween thinks you work for them? “Take me here, take me there,” it can be non-stop driving!
Sometimes we forget to respect ourselves – and then we’re modeling the wrong thing.
A few weeks ago I shared a post from Nina Roesner about examining ourselves and the way we talk when you notice your teen getting mouthy. But sometimes that isn’t enough. Once we’ve got our own hearts in order, it’s time to tackle our teen’s hearts! So I’ve asked Nina back to give us some excellent advice about how to stop mouthiness and disrespect in its tracks! I absolutely LOVE what she has to say here, because it’s so in line with what I write–if you want those you love to exhibit Christlike behaviour, then you have to stop allowing them to treat you in an unChristlike way. Here’s Nina to explain:
I’m really honored to be back here sharing another dare on To Love, Honor and Vacuum! This story is also from our new book, With All Due Respect: 40 days to a more fulfilling relationship with your teens & tweens (Thomas Nelson, 2016). I’ll be chiming in now and again today in the comments! Stay tuned til the end and we’ll tell you how to grab MORE parenting tips!
Dare 18: Be True to Your Word with Your Disrespectful Teens
Do you know how to handle it when your teen gets mouthy and disrespectful? A strategy that works!
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All you need to say is simply let ‘yes’ or ‘no’; anything beyond this comes from the evil one.” Matthew 5:37
She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come. Proverbs 31:25
Loretta and Jacob pulled into the driveway. Immediately Jacob scurried from the car and commanded, “Be ready in ten minutes! And I’m hungry. Make me a sandwich!”
Hmm . . .
Loretta wondered if aliens had abducted her fourteen-year-old and replaced his brain with someone else’s. Her family never treated each other like that. Loretta decided not to respond while she was irritated and instead chose to wait before addressing the issue. Giving herself that time helped her stay calm.
“Thank You, Father, for this opportunity,” she whispered.
Knowing that teenagers are frequently in phases of hormonal flux, she also chose not to take his behavior personally. Loretta sensed the Lord’s prompting for a teachable moment, and instead of carrying out her son’s request, she went upstairs, lay down on her bed, and started reading a magazine.
Jacob burst into her room. “We have to leave! We’re going to be late. What are you doing? Where’s my sandwich?”
Oh my. Father, help me be Your love to this man/boy.
It was time to push the reset button.
“Jacob, I love that you have all these friends and fun things to do. I usually enjoy taking you places, and I love to see you spend time with your friends. However, I have noticed that you have been increasingly bossy the last few weeks, and though I’ve talked to you about this a few times, you haven’t changed your behavior. As a result, I’m not going to make you a sandwich, nor am I going to drive you over to your friend’s house. You can go, but I won’t be the one getting you there. If you want to walk, that’s fine,” she told him.
His mouth fell open, eyes wide. “But . . .”
Then she got up, left the room, and went out the front door to get the mail. She knew he needed to chew on what had just happened. She chose to give him space to process.
When she came back in, Jacob was waiting. “You’re right, Mom. I’ve been really rude and bossy. I’m sorry. I haven’t been respectful, and you don’t deserve to be treated like that. It must make you feel like I take you for granted. I really appreciate your driving me around and stuff. Will you forgive me?”
“Of course I forgive you. Thank you for understanding how I feel. I do feel taken for granted. I don’t want to feel that way in our relationship, and your apology and how you treat me in the future will impact that. Thank you,” she replied.
“So can we go?” he asked.
“Honey, you can go, but like I said, I’m not going to drive you over there. Let’s see how things go, and maybe tomorrow or the next day I’ll feel like driving you around again.”
“But you forgave me. I’m confused,” Jacob replied.
“I love you and I do forgive you, but there are consequences.”
Jacob eventually managed to talk his friend’s mom into coming to get him, and when he returned, he was a kinder, more respectful, gentler young man.
Bottom line: Say what you mean, mean what you say, and keep your commitments—this will change your relationships with teens being disrespectful!
There is a line we walk daily as we interact with our children between respecting the temple of the Holy Spirit (ourselves) and serving our family.
Sometimes our children don’t fully understand our role in their lives, and expectations can creep in that don’t lead to mature behavior. It is important that we don’t allow our children to manipulate us into getting their way. Once we state that we are not going to do something, we shouldn’t let them tug on our heartstrings to make us back down on our decisions. Simply let your “yes” be “yes,” and your “no” be “no,” without emotion. Accept their apology, but once you’ve stated a consequence, follow through. This will give them time to process their mistakes.
Remember, too, that it is important to develop your own relationship with God so you know how to handle the situations that present themselves to you daily. If you stay connected to God, you’ll be wise to the enemy’s lie that you are a doormat when you serve.
As a mom, you have the opportunity to gently teach the next generation to respectfully treat you with dignity.
Your teenager will not automatically respect you. You must teach them--gently--how.
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What About You?
Do you ever feel taken advantage of in your family? Is it by your kids or in other relationships? If so, what might you do to push the reset button and set some healthy boundaries for yourself? Remember, boundaries are for you; they aren’t punishment for other people.
What do you think of the way Loretta handled the situation?
Notice Jacob called his friend’s mom to come get him. How would you have felt in that situation? If you saw the mom the next day and she complained about coming to pick him up, what would a healthy response—one that respected her and honored your boundary—look like?
Do you have difficulty letting your “yes” be “yes” and your “no” be “no”? Explain.
How do you generally react when your child makes demands of you, or are your kids considerate of your time? Do your reactions need to change? How?
Is your relationship with God so close that you hear His voice when opportunities for a reset present themselves? Discuss what might need to change in order for this to happen.
Pray with me about how we handle our teens when they’re disrespectful?
Heavenly Father,
I will admit that at times I have allowed my children to take advantage of my generosity. Sometimes I feel I need to always respond to my children with love, so I continue to take them places and acquiesce to their requests when, in reality, I need to be teaching them how to respect others, especially me. Lord, am I modeling self-respect in these situations? Is there something I need to be doing differently rather than always responding to my children’s demands? I love that You know me, Lord. Give me strength to teach my children rather than just meet their needs.
Give me the strength and wisdom to hold fast to the boundaries and rules I have set for my children. Help me teach my children to trust that I will do what I say I am going to do. Let them learn from me to have integrity and be true to their word by letting my “yes be yes,” and my “no a no” – I need help with that!
May my prayer be Psalm 139. O Lord, You have searched me and You know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; You perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; You are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue, You know it completely, O Lord. You hem me in behind and before; You have laid Your hand upon me. Where can I go from Your Spirit? Where can I flee from Your presence? If I go up to the heavens, You are there; if I make my bed in the depths, You are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there Your hand will guide me, Your right hand will hold me fast. For You created my inmost being; You knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise You because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
Lord, help me respond to my children well, modeling the truth that You fearfully and wonderfully made me.
In Your Son’s name,
Amen.
So what about YOU? How did you experience today’s dare? Looking forward to seeing you in the comment section!
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And listen to Nina talk about more fulfilling relationships with teens on Family Life Radio!
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