Sheila Wray Gregoire's Blog, page 155
July 6, 2016
Suffering in Marriage: When it Hurts to Love Well
Maybe so–but that doesn’t mean that suffering is always bad. Dr. Carol Peters-Tanksley has written a few posts for me now on menopause and how sex changes as you age, and today she joins us to share a personal journey she’s walked through as her husband has recently passed away. I’m so honoured to welcome Carol as she helps us process some of the difficult things that marriage inevitably brings.
Here’s Dr. Carol:
Marriage isn’t supposed to be about suffering, is it?
There may be a few marriages where everything goes smoothly and life is truly “happily ever after,” but truthfully I haven’t known any marriages like that. I considered my marriage very happy, happier than most, but it was not devoid of suffering. But it was actually those challenging aspects that brought me the greatest satisfaction and became the most valuable.
Suffering in marriage is a touchy subject. That idea may immediately bring up thoughts of abuse, control, manipulation, addiction, violence, and any number of other painful and destructive ideas. I just want to get this out of the way right now: those behaviors are never OK. Never. Period. End of story. If there is , manipulation, or violence going on in your marriage, get some help now!
But there’s a whole other aspect to “suffering” that is much more common, perhaps universal.
As human beings we are basically selfish, and when two selfish people become joined in marriage there is certain to be suffering.
Maybe suffering in marriage is God's vehicle to teach us to love well.
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You are certain to be hurt if you get close enough to someone, and you are certain to hurt them also. And life has a way of bringing its own suffering in a thousand different ways. It’s not a matter of if, but of when. But it’s what you do next that really counts.
Suffering can crop up in many different ways. Your spouse wants sex when you don’t, or you want sex when your spouse doesn’t feel up to it – over and over again. Your spouse develops a serious illness. Your teenage child gets involved in drugs. Your baggage or your spouse’s baggage from your family of origin spills over into your life now. You’re forced to choose between a job you love and doing what’s best for your marriage or family.
Your suffering may be larger or smaller than someone else’s, but it feels really heavy – and probably unfair.
Marriage is not supposed to be about suffering, but it’s not about happiness either. We lose much of what marriage is all about when we assume that its purpose is to make us happy and that our spouse is there for our benefit. That’s a recipe for disaster, disappointment, and misery.
When to Welcome Suffering
Marriage is not about suffering or happiness; rather, it’s about learning to love well. And at some point loving well will involve suffering.
My husband struggled with chronic illness during our entire marriage. The last year of his life he became increasingly dependent on me, and he hated it. His doctor’s visits, medications, medical equipment, and physical limitations took over more and more of our schedule and our lives. He fought hard. We fought hard together. Still his death in February of this year seemed to come much too soon.
And I wouldn’t trade a moment of the suffering we endured together for anything in this world.
Of course I wish he had been able to regain his health and that we could have done the things we dreamed of doing together. I wish we had had many more years to share life with each other. But there’s something precious and valuable about loving each other unconditionally and without reservation even when it’s difficult, about knowing your spouse has given you everything they have and are and that you’ve given the same to them, about trying to outdo each other in doing everything you can to lighten each other’s load.
Marriage never works when one or both partners are primarily looking for what they can get out of it.
Marriage does work when two people become good forgivers, good givers, and learn to love well. That doesn’t mean your own needs aren’t important, but it does mean that you almost forget about yourself as you focus on serving each other. You don’t keep score. You both give 100%.
And sometimes giving like that means suffering. It means that sometimes:
You lose sleep to take care of your spouse when they are ill
You have sex or don’t have sex based more on your spouse’s desires than your own
You go on the vacation your spouse needs most
You work hard to understand your spouse’s feelings when you have a conflict
You become willing to change the parts of your own character that are hurting your spouse
Embrace the right kind of suffering in your marriage!
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Sure, there were plenty of times I desperately wanted sleep when my husband needed my help. Becoming his caretaker was hard, but he suffered too. Needing help made him vulnerable, and it was hard for him to accept that help. He also gave me all he possibly could by struggling to do things for himself whenever he could, by frequently putting his own needs aside and working to help me in my profession and ministry, and encouraging me in every way possible.
“Suffering” together in some of those ways brought us closer as a couple, and it taught us both more about God. Love hurts – here in this world. And it made us both even more hungry for eternity.
How Do You Know it’s “Good” Suffering?
If you’re still reading this, you may wonder if your “suffering” is necessary or unnecessary, healthy or harmful, constructive or destructive.
Suffering is inevitable in marriage--but not all suffering is 'good' suffering!
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Here are three questions to consider that can help you sense whether you are giving to your spouse in a godly way, or being unwise.
How is your giving received? Does your spouse accept what you give gratefully? Or do they see it as something they are entitled to? You cannot keep score! But if both of you give what you have to give, you are on the right track.
Are you enabling bad behavior in your spouse? If so, it’s NOT “good” suffering. If you are putting up with abuse, violence, or addiction, you are harming your spouse instead of loving them well.
Are you finding ways to feed yourself emotionally? You cannot give endlessly without getting filled up again. If your spouse can’t or is unable to meet those needs, you are responsible for finding other healthy ways to take care of yourself while still serving them.
Don’t assume marriage is supposed to be easy or make you happy. Treasure all the moments when it’s good. But also treasure the moments when you answer the call to be unselfish, and to give more than you thought you could. When both of you approach marriage that way, even the suffering will be beautiful.
Thank you for that important reminder, Dr. Carol! And thank you for your amazing perspective even in the loss of your husband. We are all sorry.
Dr Carol Peters-Tanksley is a licensed OB-Gyn physician and ordained Christian minister, sometimes known to her friends as “Doctor-Doctor.” Her new book Dr Carol’s Guide to Women’s Health: Take Charge of Your Physical and Emotional Wellbeing is available wherever books are sold. Dr Carol invites you to connect with her at her ministry website www.drcarolministries.com, Twitter, or Facebook.
And thank you to Sarah Ball, too, who has guest posted for me before! She has written a ton about anxiety, and she’s a great friend who is going places and has such an important message. This week, while I’m away, Sarah’s going to be jumping into the comments and participating a bit since I’m not around. Thanks, Sarah!
The post Suffering in Marriage: When it Hurts to Love Well appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.
July 5, 2016
Top 10 Tips for Relationship Recovery After an Addiction
Whether it’s pornography, alcohol, gambling, or drugs, addictions are really widespread.
I recently met blogger Leah Grey, and her story is SO inspirational. She stuck with her husband after a drug addiction, and is blogging about how they’re putting their marriage back together. And today, while I’m on vacation, she’s generously joined us to talk about what she learned after her husband’s bout with drug rehab.
Here’s Leah:
Going to treatment for addiction is not something you’ll hear preached about at church on Sunday mornings. Drug and alcohol addiction, gambling addiction and pornography addiction are all things that we Christians are expected to “Just not do”.
Yet, there are hundreds of thousands of Christian men and women struggling with an addiction every Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday afternoon and Evening.
Addiction is More Common We Think
Addiction is isolating. It can be hard if you have a loved one struggling with addiction to know where to turn for relationship advice because addiction damages the natural dynamics of a healthy relationship. The foundational keys to a healthy relationship–namely, intimacy and trust–are often completely destroyed. After the storm of addiction blazes through, you’re left to rebuild your relationship based solely on commitment.
This is not the way of the world.
To be quite honest, a healthy relationship with an active addict is impossible. Although there’s a lot of reasons I say this [Read: “How to be a Peacemaker without being a Pushover” ] amongst other things, your spouse’s addiction will always take precedence.
What about a relationship with a recovering addict?
Assuming your loved one is in or working toward recovery from an addiction, after trust has been broken and intimacy remains a fond memory, how do you begin to rebuild your relationship?
Realistic expectations.
Shoot… I bet you hoped I would say, “Romance”.
I wish!
How Do I Know?
When my husband came home after nine months of treatment for his addiction I knew that this time, things would be different. Not because he had made such a drastic lifestyle change (it was pretty major), but because I was different.
I used to think the solution to the problem was simply to fix the problem. In our case, that meant that my husband needed to stop using drugs. What I realized in his nine month absence was that it was my attitude about the problem that would change the outcome.
I had to decide if I was going to patiently pick up my cross and bear the weight of my relationship or if I really thought that freedom would come by leaving it. Realistically, leaving a problem behind rarely brings freedom [Read: “Why I Stayed With My Drug-Addicted Husband” ].
Freedom from addiction, for everyone involved, is found in complete and total healing.
And God is the only one who can change a heart. Look back on your own life for a moment and consider how God has changed you through your adversity. Recognize how brave you are because of the pain you’ve suffered! God didn’t cause that pain but He did strengthen you to go through it.
When your spouse starts to act selflessly, you can be confident they’re on the road to true recovery. It’s a sign God is softening their hardened heart and holding them accountable. You don’t need to police their progress; All you need to do is take a step back and keep your expectations realistic.
Selflessness will bring back the sizzle.
It’s almost romantic.
If you can relate to this and you’re like, “Woah! This girl totally knows where I’m at!”, here’s a list of my:
Top Ten Tips for Relationship Recovery after Addictions
1. Treat your marriage like a new relationship.
The person you fell in love with in the beginning of your relationship may never come back but that means, neither will the monster who came out during it.
10 Tips to Rebuild Your Marriage After an Addiction--You MUST know these!
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2. Recognize that you’re no longer “one” but two separate people.
The Bible teaches that when a man and wife are joined they, “Become one flesh” with one another (Gen. 2:24). Well, addiction breaks your “oneness”. You’re now two people in completely different places and you’ll need to meet in the middle (and hopefully, get busy becoming one flesh again!).
3. Don’t rush sex with a recovering addict.
Wives submit to your husbands and husbands submit to your wives (Eph. 5:22-24)… how many times has this passage been used to make you feel condemned? Condemnation is not from God! You’re not obligated to submit to your spouse sexually when the foundations of your relationship have been destroyed. Don’t feel pressure to work on your sex life before work goes into restoring the foundations of your relationship.
4. Reassure your spouse that you love the “new him”
Recovery will make your spouse sensitive and insecure. They’re unsure of who they are and they’re not totally comfortable with where they’re at. Your spouse may need reassurance that you love the “new” them and that they are valued. Build up your spouse and help them to feel confident in their new selves. It will go a long way.
5. Find a hobby, alone.
This might seem counter-productive but in all likelihood, you’ve spent the last thirty days to twelve months alone. You might of been busy taking care of children, surviving on one on income, vying for insurance, without much support (because nobody brings you a casserole when your husband goes to rehab). It’s time for, “Me-Time”. I suggest both you and your spouse pick two to three hours a week to do something that makes you happy.
6. Date again.
Remember, this is a new relationship. My husband and I actually got into a huge fight on our first date night post-rehab, but you know what? We worked out whatever it was we fought about (I have no idea what it was now but it was probably silly) and we ended up having a great night. Even if you’re only able to go out once a month, make sure you go on a date. Think of it as cheap therapy. If arguing is an issue for you, you can always go to the movies!
7. Take the pressure off.
I’ve heard it said many times, “Do not let the sun go down on your anger”. In fact, it’s even Biblical (Eph. 4:26). The old adage is obviously great advice but when your relationship has gone through the turmoil of an addiction, it takes a lot more than a sweet word and a soft kiss to make things better. What we really need to do is to focus on the first part of the verse, “Do not sin in your anger”. It’s okay if things are not okay but it’s not an excuse to lose your self-control. Take the pressure off and talk about it in the morning or better yet… with a therapist.
8. Forgive daily.
Do you remember the movie Groundhog Day[image error] with Bill Murray? If you haven’t seen it, I don’t know where you’ve been since 1993 (Woah, wait. Am I showing my age?) (Sheila chimes in: if so, I’m old too, because that’s totally one of my favourite movies, Leah!) It’s about a reporter who has to live the same day over and over until he’s finally humbled to change. This is the ultimate picture of relationship recovery after addiction. What you and your loved one have gone through will change you both. It doesn’t happen immediately and it can feel like you’re living the same day over and over but keep trying. Make daily forgiveness a priority. One day, you’re going to wake up and realize, you’ve changed for the better.
9. Accept that trust takes time.
Just as your spouse should not demand trust be given, you can’t force trust to happen. Don’t give trust where trust is undue just because you feel guilty. Stay aware. That said, trust after addiction is a leap of faith. If you see your spouse is making an effort to change and live righteously, it’s on you now to try to trust them. Start with the little things and work your way up to the big ones. Pray often and operate within a healthy boundary. Remember: boundaries are healthy, “putting up walls” is not.
10. Don’t ride the rollercoaster.
Is your spouse recovering from an addiction? Don't ride the roller coaster of emotions!
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As I’m sure you’ve heard over and over again, recovery is a long process. There will be highs and lows for everyone involved. You can’t control how your loved one is feeling or reacting but you can choose to get off the rollercoaster of emotion. Focus on finding peace and joy in each day. This doesn’t mean your situation will always be rosy but laughter gives relief to most pain. That’s the real key to a healthy relationship after rehab; Laugh often.
After all these things, the romance will come. Romance is the delicious strawberry (so much better than a cherry) on top of your relationship sundae. Yeah, maybe all you’ve gotten is nuts lately and you really just want some sugar but relax… change takes time.
If you’re consumed with worry or having trouble getting past the past, I have a free Bible study called, “Be Still & Know” made just for you! It’ll help you to settle into the Rest of God and take a step back from the trouble overshadowing your joy. It’s four weeks of self-study that goes straight to your inbox and comes with a twenty-page workbook you can either fill out online or be old school like me and print it out. See it here!
So, can you get your old relationship back? No… but do you really even want it back? What you can do is take the time to get to know the new (and improving) version of your spouse.
Recovery for a relationship after rehab is possible, it just takes a lot of patience and some good old hard work!
Leah Grey
runs a faith-based online ministry for women with loved ones who struggle with drug and alcohol addiction. She challenges popular beliefs about addiction and encourages women to support their loved ones
’
recovery, without abandoning them, by creating healthy boundaries. In March 2016, she launched her website,
leahgrey.com
and community for women in crisis,
“Live, Love, Hope”.
Facebook: www.facebook.com/helloleahgrey
Twitter: www.twitter.com/helloleahgrey
Instagram: www.instagram.com/helloleahgrey
Pinterest: www.pinterest.com/helloleahgrey
And I’d like to introduce you to Sarah Ball, too, who has guest posted for me before! She has written a ton about anxiety, and she’s a great friend who is going places and has such an important message. This week, while I’m away, Sarah’s going to be jumping into the comments and participating a bit since I’m not around. Thanks, Sarah!
The post Top 10 Tips for Relationship Recovery After an Addiction appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.
July 1, 2016
How God Used Fried Potatoes To Change My Attitude
Ever had those thoughts?
Every Friday I like to publish a short, 400 word Marriage Moment to give you one thought to think about over the weekend. Right now I’m boarding a plane for our family vacation, and so I want to share with you this thought from Doreen Fricke, about a lesson that God had to teach her about gratitude and trying things–even things you don’t like.
Here’s Doreen:
Marriage Moment: How God Used Fried Potatoes To Change My Attitude
My granddaughter and I were at an impasse. She didn’t want to try the fried potatoes I made with scrambled eggs and toast for breakfast. She thought we should go out for french fries.
What’s wrong with this picture?
If she thought I was like her grandfather and would drop everything and head to town so she could have what she wanted, she had a rude awakening. Mom-Mom doesn’t care what you like. In my fifty-year-old wisdom, I bounce back with:
Just try it, Skylar, you’ll like it!
In perfect six-year-old wisdom she wails:
But I CAN’T like it!
That was eleven years ago. Skylar probably doesn’t remember the breakfast meltdown, but it was a moment that sticks with me because I’ve often found myself telling God this. A financial setback, a change in income, a cut in pay, necessities that aren’t, decisions that are tough and touchy. Marriage on the mend. Menopause on the horizon. The list goes on because life has a way of going on too.
Balancing the checkbook was a source of friction between my long-suffering mate and myself. Searching the want-ads for jobs was another. I could always find him one, but let him try suggesting something for me to apply for and I’m six and hollering,
BUT I CAN’T LIKE IT!
And if my spouse isn’t hearing me, then is God? One day after a particularly skinny month of falling behind on bills, I went to McDonalds and applied for a job. And I got it. Now I was the one behind the counter serving fries to little kids and their moms and grandmoms. And I liked it. Oh, I was tired, and the pay wasn’t too good, but one job led to another and one confidence garnered more and eventually I started writing for a local magazine. Then selling ads and writing. Then almost getting my own magazine, and writing.
I turned it down. Maybe I could have liked it, but I didn’t want that much responsibility. But just being entrusted with such an offer was enough to start me on my road to recovery right in the middle of the recession. I took other jobs and tried other new things, and it all started with something I never would have asked for–but, like fried potatoes, was what was offered.\
Doreen Frick is a 61-year-old grandma who lives in Nebraska. The child in the story is now 17 and still loves french fries, as does her grandmother, though today she had asparagus for dinner since it’s less fattening!
Are you saying that to God today–BUT I CAN’T LIKE IT? I encourage you to pray through that this weekend and ask for God’s perspective. Sometimes we all need an attitude shift!
What’s #1 at To Love, Honor and Vacuum?
Happy Canada Day everyone! It’s getting hot out there and it’s getting hot in here too with this wee’s Tops! Have a look and have a great long weekend!
#1 NEW Post on the Blog: 10 Ways To Crank Up The Heat In Your Marriage
#1 on the Blog Overall: Top 10 Tips For Initiating Sex With Your Husband
#1 from Facebook: The Best Essential Oils For Libido
#2 from Pinterest: Why Do Teenagers Rebel? Thoughts From A 19-Year-Old Who Didn’t
Woo hoo! I’m Heading on Vacation!
So excited to be taking off with my family! You’ll be able to catch up with us by following us on Instagram–here’s Katie, Rebecca, and me (their feeds are much more artistic. 
June 30, 2016
Whose Marriage Are You Watching?
Thought for today:
I’m taking a bit of a day off today, so I’d like to link you to some other posts that can help you emulate good marriages!
What synchronized swimming and good marriages have in common
Two Things that Lead to a Successful Marriage
Marriage Mentors: Why we all need one
Have a great day, everyone!
31 Days to Great Sex is here (only $4.99!) It's the best $5 you'll ever spend on your marriage!
Learn to talk more, flirt more, and even explore more! You'll work on how to connect emotionally, spiritually, AND physically.
Find out more To Love, Honor and Vacuum.
June 29, 2016
Can Romance Novels Ruin Romance?
In fact, summer’s one of the few times that I let myself read novels, because I have this problem: when I start reading a novel, I am incapable of stopping until it’s finished. So if I start reading one at lunch on a day that I’m supposed to be working, nothing will get done that day (including making dinner) until the book is finished.
But in the summer, when I actually have some free time, I let myself indulge!
And I’m thinking that maybe you do, too.
So today I just wanted to start a conversation about what kinds of books we read.
I absolutely love Jane Austen (of course). I love the sweeping historical epics (like Leon Uris or Brock and Bodie Thoene), the thriller books (like Randy Alcorn), the lawyer books (like Robert Whitlow or John Grisham). I like some Jodi Picoult and Kate Morton because they make me think. I absolutely adore any mystery by P.D. James because her characters are just so GOOD. I come away wanting to have more fruits of the spirit!
But I’ve never been a big fan of romance novels.
I’ve written before about why romance novels can be harmful; read the whole thing (or click on the picture!).
Simply put, while romance a la Jane Austen simply teaches us to ponder life and love and purpose, other books are written for no other reason than to encourage escapism or even arousal–and that is not healthy for anyone, and is darn right dangerous if you’re married.
Harlequin even agrees that this is what they’re doing!
Take a look at this video that Harlequin put out, entitled “Whatever You’re Into”. It used to be up on YouTube; they’ve since taken it down, even though it got huge views (maybe they got too much flak for it)? But you can still watch it on their Facebook page (or just click the picture).
The point? You read a romance novel to fantasize about having a totally different life.
Even Harlequin admits that their novels are meant to cause women to escape & fantasize:
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Here’s their more recent video (it’s a little more tame, but the point is the same):
Do a thought experiment with me: imagine if the genders were reversed. Imagine if it was a guy saying, “I’ve been working hard. I deserve to fantasize about other sexy women.” Would we think that was empowering, or would we think that was totally disgusting?
(Total Hat Tip to Lisa Hall-Wilson for showing me these videos! She’s written an awesome response, too.)
Now, I don’t think that reading a novel with romance in it (or even some tasteful sex scenes) automatically causes us to fantasize about living an entirely different life. But if you’re reading a constant diet of Harlequins or Nora Roberts, then it can all too easily fuel dissatisfaction with your life. Those novels are totally unrealistic. The males in them are totally unrealistic. And I’m not sure why we think it’s good to read things that can so often fuel dissatisfaction?
Then, of course, there’s the issue that many novels really are soft porn (or just plain erotica).
I remember being on a cruise ship a few years ago and being totally blown away by how many women were reading 50 Shades of Grey openly, right on the pool deck, while their husbands were right beside them. The only purpose of that book is to get you aroused–just like pornography. And the more you pair your arousal to a fantasy like that, the more you’re going to have to fantasize when you’re with your husband to get aroused. Erotica is just plain scary, and it really is wrong.
(I’ve got a post on how to stop that fantasizing, or dissociation during sex).
And so often there’s a progression: Amish romance novels –> regular romance novels –> soft porn erotica (like Nora Roberts) –> hard core erotica –> full blown porn.
Almost all women who struggle with porn that I talk to started with romance novels.
Almost all women who struggle with porn started with romance novels--even Christian ones.
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So even if we try to steer clear from the novels that are simply blantantly soft porn, does that mean that we’re safe with Christian novels?
I don’t think so.
Many Christian novels are just plain bad.
I’m going to let my youngest daughter Katie chime in on this one (it’s pretty funny). She always called Christian romance novels “hair books” because she always loved the hairstyles on the covers:
And my older daughter chimed in on her blog, too, on why she hates Christian fiction:
Beyond the physical, they are emotionally inept! They obsess over these men, refuse to take the easy way for anything, but instead every little misunderstanding becomes some huge catastrophe. Almost all Christian romance novels’ climaxes could be solved by the two people just talking to each other for once in the freaking book.
Read her whole take here.
I don’t want to tar all Christian books with the same brush, but if I’m looking for a riveting read, I’ve stopped turning to Christian publishers, which is sad. Even the “thriller” romance books that most people like, such as Dee Henderson’s series, I find have totally unrealistic heroes. How many guys do you know who are 30+ and totally good looking with amazing jobs and who are super strong and super great with women but have never been married or in a serious relationship before? And they’re all like that?
Why is so much Christian fiction just plain bad? Can't we demand better?
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Can’t we do better than that? Honestly, if Christians stopped buying stuff that wasn’t even good, maybe publishers would take more risks and stop publishing only the cookie-cutter plot kind of books and actually publish more books about real life.
I’ve often toyed with writing fiction (I really do want to; I think I’ll try in the next five years), but I’ll self-publish because regular publishers won’t take my books, I’m sure. I want to write realistic stuff about how messy marriage can be, rather than these picture perfect caricatures.
So what are good books?
I shared a book with you just after Christmas which had a profound effect on me, and I still highly recommend it: As Soon as I Fell. It’s a memoir by Kay Bruner, who used to be a missionary in Indonesia. And it’s really her tale of how she came out of legalism and came to understand grace, while also battling her husband’s porn addiction. I saw so much of myself in Kay as she tried so hard to win God’s approval, and completely neglected herself in the process. That’s the kind of book I like.
I’ve liked some of Lynn Austin’s historical books, and some of Karen Kingsbury when she gets real about the messiness in marriage, and Randy Alcorn all the time:
Candle in the Darkness (Refiner’s Fire) (Volume 1)[image error] (Lynn Austin; the rest in the Refiner’s Fire series are really good, too)
A Time to Dance (Timeless Love Series)[image error] (Karen Kingsbury; the second in the series is good, too, all about messiness in marriage)
Deadline[image error] (by Randy Alcorn, the next two in the series are brilliant as well; love the peek into the supernatural)
And so I’d love your suggestions: I’m looking for novels with plots, with characters that are believable (in other words, they have faults) and with marriages that aren’t picture perfect but are instead realistic. What do you think?
And have you ever struggled with romance novels? Let’s talk in the comments!
The post Can Romance Novels Ruin Romance? appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.
June 28, 2016
10 Ways to Crank up the Heat in Your Marriage
Today for Top 10 Tuesday I thought we could tackle that! Two weeks ago I wrote about 10 ways to bring sexy back to your marriage, and today I’m welcoming Chad Edwards to give us his insight from a husband’s perspective on how wives can crank up the heat!
Here’s Chad:
Remember when your husband would lovingly look at you with that mischievous sparkle in his eyes? Remember how it felt when he couldn’t keep his hands off you? If you’re feeling like things have cooled off lately or if you’d just like to take your passion to the next level, here are ten ways for you to crank up the heat in your marriage.
10 Ways Wives Can Crank up the Heat in Marriage (because we all want a fun marriage!)
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Tip #1: Make Him Feel Like He’s Your #1 (Next to God)
Do you find your husband has he been more withdrawn, snappy or just off somehow lately?
If he has been, there is something you can do about it.
The primary culprit of you husband’s behavior is most likely his insecurity. Husband-insecurities are really confusing, because most men work hard to hide their insecurities, never want to talk about them and are rarely aware that it’s the insecurities that are causing them to act so strange.
ACTION STEP: The best thing you can do to reduce how often he acts like this is to commit to making him know without a doubt, that he’s truly #1 to you.
While your husband may never admit it, he wants to be #1 to you (right next to God, that is)…yes, even above your children, siblings, best-friend and parents.
The good news is, you alone can help him with this…if you’re stuck on ideas one suggestion might be…
Tip #2: Initiate sex (bonus points to surprise him sexually – especially with something you know he likes)
Many of the men I have worked with have mentioned how awesome it would be if their wives would initiate sex – even if just once in a while.
The only sustainable and loving way you can do this (both for your husband and for yourself) is to actually enjoy sex (if you don’t yet, this might be a fun journey for you and your husband).
As you know, men tend to be a little simpler than women ‘orgasmically-speaking.’
Something you may not know is that the more you enjoy sex, the more your husband will enjoy it.
ACTION STEP: Whether or not you find yourself looking forward to sex with your husband, a question you might have some delight in exploring is:
“How can I enjoy having sex with my husband so much that I actually want to initiate sex and even want to do it more than once a week?!!”
If you’re looking for some inspiration, you might want to revisit Sheila’s post: How Sex Can Help You Feel POWERFUL!
…And whether you’re stuck in the area of sexuality or if you’ve got this area cased, then you’re probably ready to step things up with…
Tip #3: Become Good Friends With Your Playful Side
For some reason in marriages, it’s common for women to gradually become more rigid and stern and for men to become more emotional and withdrawn.
This can absolutely destroy passion.
Whether this is true of your marriage or not, a common relationship strategy Dr. Cloe Madance and Magali Peysha recommend is for women to make it a daily ritual to invite their inner ‘girly side’ out to play.
ACTION STEP: What is it that makes you feel playful and feminine? Is it painting your nails or putting on an uplifting song and dancing around? Maybe it’s taking a bath or wearing a sexy color/piece of clothing?
Whatever it might be for you, choose one playful idea and turn it into a daily ritual.
Be forewarned: this shift alone has caused many husbands to get very excited!
After deciding how, when, where and what you’ll do this week to bring out your playful, feminine side, you’ll be well on your way to mastering…
Tip #4: Make Smiling And Having Fun A Priority
Some people think that men are shallow creatures…and while there’s some truth to that, most men will agree it’s the smile that actually takes the cake for most attractive part of a woman.
Don’t believe me – try this:
ACTION STEP:
1) Ask your husband (and other men if you’d like): “Have you ever met a woman who you initially found super attractive, only to find her completely unattractive after getting to know her?”
Even women who you might think almost no men would find physically attractive, can be highly magnetic when they are joyful and with a genuine smile.
2) Find ways to smile more and have more fun! This is one of the quickest most sure-fire ways to bring back the heat in your marriage.
…if you just can’t or don’t know how to, it might be time for you to turn to…
Tip# 5: Start One Habit Today That Will Help You Enjoy Life More (And Lead You To Become A Happier, Healthier You)
In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven (Matthew 5:16)
Most men take any signs of their wife’s unhappiness to mean a panicky: “Oh no! She’s unhappy with me…what can I do!?”
It is for this reason, that so many men (myself included) do that annoying thing where they stop listening and start trying to fix their wives’ problems.
You can reduce this…
ACTION STEP: Choose a habit – Is there one particular habit that you’ve wanted to start but have been holding off on?
Is it praying more? Putting a chunk of money away each month? Exercising? Or writing in a gratitude journal?
If you still need an idea, you might want to consider Sheila’s Twenty Minute Marriage Secret.
Once you’ve decided on a habit, Charles Duhigg, (author of the book, The Power of Habit: Why We Do What We Do in Life and Business[image error]) recommends to make a plan that incorporates the following ‘cues’ to help make your habit stick:
Choose the same time of day that you will carry this habit out
Connect this habit to a particular place (example: I put my shoes and work-out clothes beside my bed, so that I can head to the gym when I first wake-up)
Connect the habit to a unique emotion (example: before I start running each morning, I take a moment to feel grateful for my health, my husband, and my kids)
Choose to do your habit with the same person (or have someone check on you and hold you accountable)
Plan your habit into your life so that it is followed by a behavior that you’re already doing (example: After my morning coffee, I sing one worship song) (Duhigg, 2012)
Lastly, choose an enjoyable reward. By choosing a reward that you genuinely appreciate it will help your brain associate your new habit to positive feelings, which will make you more likely to stick with it! (Duhigg, 2012)
Now that you’re on your way to a happier you, with a great new habit – do you have any bad habits you’d like to get rid of? If yes, it’s time for…
Tip #6: Take Note Your Ridiculous Rules That Are Causing You To Get Needlessly Angry
“The toothpaste tube shouldn’t be squished!”…“There are crumbs in the butter!”
As a kid, I remember having sleep-overs at my friends’ houses to discover the funny rules that different families had.
What rules do you have that might seem ridiculous to one of your children’s friends?
ACTION STEP:
Author Byron Katie prescribes ‘4 Questions’ as a way to let go of rules that may be getting in your way.
Do I know that this thought or rule is true? (Example: “Do I know that it’s true that the toothpaste tube shouldn’t be squished?…YES! – because he knows it annoys me. I’ve told him thousands of times!”)
Can I absolutely know without a doubt that this is true – do I have proof? (“Hmmm….No, I guess I don’t have proof”)
How is this thought or rule causing me to react? (“It makes me really annoyed and agitated with my husband!”)
Who would I be without that thought? (“I’d be at peace. I’d be happy that my husband actually uses the toothpaste!”)
Turn that thought or rule around (“That toothpaste tube should be squished – that’s what it’s made for! Maybe it’s me who shouldn’t ‘squish’ my husband so much with my little rules!”)
Now that you’ve covered your bases with the first 6-fiery fundamentals, these next 4 tips will serve as the icing on the cake for the hot, happening marriage you’re about to rekindle.
The Final Four…
Now that you’ve covered your bases with the first 6-fiery fundamentals, these next 4 tips will serve as the icing on the cake for the hot, happening marriage you’re about to rekindle.
Tip #6: Make it a habit to say ‘nice things’ about him (bonus, if you do this in front of others!)
Tip #7: Bite your tongue when you want to criticize him (especially in front of others!)
Tip #8: Laugh at his jokes (when you actually find them funny)
Tip #9: Encourage him do what he’s good at for the household (and acknowledge the importance of it)
Tip #10: Be patient and kind with yourself as you work to make your marriage magnificent…It may take your husband a little while to catch up to you, but have faith that he will come around and that it will be oh-so worth it!
FOR TODAY: WHAT’S ONE OF YOUR RIDICULOUS LITTLE RULES?
What’s one of your funny and ridiculous little rules that may or may not be adding unnecessary stress to your marriage (or that’s taking away from the playful passion) in your marriage?
Is it when he forgets to put the toilet paper on the roll? Or is it that he’s too peppy in the morning?
We’ve all got them! There will be no judgments here…just pure, possibly slightly embarrassing ‘rules’ in the comments below.
Share your starry-eyed memories in the comments below and inspire us to make our marriages more on-fire!
Chad Edwards is on a mission to help disenchanted married couples to bring back passion and fall in love again. Go to his website relationshipsreimagined.com to grab a FREE copy of ROOMMATES-NO-MORE: A 2-part guide to marriage intimacy…at least twice a week!
The post 10 Ways to Crank up the Heat in Your Marriage appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.
June 27, 2016
Reader Question: Will Sex Hurt? Vaginismus vs. Simple Pain
Will sex hurt on my wedding night?
That’s one of the most common questions I get from women about to get married as virgins. Every Monday I like to take a reader question and try to answer it, and today I’d like to tackle the subject of pain during intercourse on your wedding night, and hopefully set some fears aside and help out others.
And some people really could use some help, because I saw this message on a forum I belong to last weekend, too:
We got married 5 days ago and it’s been too painful to consummate yet–any suggestions?
Absolutely! So let’s go:
Does sex hurt for the first time?
I wish I could answer that one definitively, but I can’t! So let me tell you a bit about my personal story (and I share this in much more detail in The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex!). Before I got married, someone gave me a book about sex. It made me a nervous wreck, detailing everything you had to do when to make sex feel great, and I almost felt violated reading it. It was like they were saying my body wasn’t my own and I didn’t have any choice, because I had to do EXACTLY this.
I wish I could have just relaxed and done what felt natural, but I felt like I had all this standard I had to live up to. And then, on our wedding night, sex definitely did hurt. It was excrutiating. The next day we pushed through anyway because I felt like such a failure. That was likely a mistake, because if we had just relaxed and taken things more slowly we probably would have got to the root of the problem faster.
When sex got better years later and I started writing, I thought back to that book that people had gave me, and I started wondering, “Can I wrote the exact opposite? A book that would help brides relax while still having tons of information?” And so I did surveys of about 2000 women and asked them all about their sex lives, and here’s what I can tell you about the wedding night.
There’s a difference between the pain when the hymen tears, which is just a sharp pain, and muscle pain, which isn’t sharp but which can actually be worse. While most people have that sharp pain which is temporary, a few people have the deeper muscle pain when your vaginal muscles won’t relax. Around 20% of people had sex hurt enough that they couldn’t make love the first night, though the vast majority of those did within the next few days, and it slowly got better.
That means 80% of women really are fine.
Pain during sex is NOT something that you should be worrying about, and if you do worry, you’ll only make it worse anyway.
I want to talk to those 20% who do have muscle pain while making love right now.
Most of you will figure this out pretty quickly. Just try really hard to relax (which sounds like such contradictory advice, doesn’t it? How can you TRY to RELAX?). But don’t put pressure on yourself. If sex doesn’t work right away, don’t force it because you feel inadequate. Just touch each other and explore in other ways. Spend time taking baths together. Get used to be naked together.
If it doesn’t freak you out, you can also have your husband try to stretch you a little with his fingers (if it freaks you out, it’s likely better to stay away from that and keep trying to relax).
Try to squeeze those muscles (they’re the same ones that you use when you stop the flow of pee). If you can learn to squeeze the muscles, then you can get some control over them, and sometimes you can learn to relax them too. So when he’s trying to enter you, squeeze down FIRST and then try to relax. Just take a few minutes with him not moving and try that.
Also, the muscles that are contracting tend to be in the first 1 1/2 inches of the vagina. So once you’re relaxed enough for him to enter, it does tend to stop hurting.
Of those 20%, I’d say around 70% of them will figure this out by the end of the honeymoon. They may still be tight for a while, but it’s loose enough that they can make love, and when you keep that up and relax even more and take a lot of time just exploring each other’s bodies, chances are the pain will go away completely in a few weeks or months.
But what if you never relax enough?
Okay, now I’m talking to that smaller percentage of you who are really experiencing some ongoing problems. (I’m stressing the fact that this is a small percentage not to make YOU feel badly, but to reassure nervous brides that seriously, most people really are fine!).
But I don’t want you to feel weird if you do have ongoing pain, because I was in your group, too.
If you experience consistent pain and trouble consummating your marriage, you likely are suffering from a condition called vaginismus. I’ve written about it before, and shared a story of a new bride discovering that she had vaginismus.
And there’s a wonderful website dedicated just to this condition, and I’d like to share with you about it today, because it’s the best resource I’ve found on the web.
Vaginismus.com can help you understand what’s happening AND treat it
Seriously, they know what they’re talking about! When you arrive on the website, you’re greeted by other women experiencing exactly the same thing–and an explanation of what’s happening to you. It’s not a Christian website per se, but it’s really focused primarily on married couples, and their advice is spot on.
They explain what hurts, where it hurts, and why it hurts–all in a very non-blaming way. In fact, they’re very clear throughout the website that you are not causing this. And if you are not causing this, then you have no reason to feel guilty. They explain:
With vaginismus, the mind and body have developed a conditioned response against penetration. The body has learned to expect or anticipate pain upon penetration, so that the powerful PC muscle “flinches” or contracts to protect against the potential of intercourse pain. This can be equated to automatically blinking one’s eyes and wincing when an object is hurled toward us. It is not something a woman thinks about doing—it just happens (see Causes).
I really love the section of vaginismus stories, because you’ll find that there are so many women just like you that are going through this as well! And it’s fascinating (maybe that’s the wrong word?) to see all the other causes of vaginismus. Sometimes it’s not obvious when you first have intercourse (which is primary vaginismus), but it’s a condition that develops after childbirth or after menopause or after other health problems (that’s called secondary vaginismus).
Here’s what one woman says:
I am a twenty-eight-year-old married teacher, yet I still feel like a child. My high school students are always talking about how great sex is. I get angry and wonder why they are able to have sex so easily. They’re just sleeping around and don’t even care about each other. It’s not fair that it’s so hard for me. My husband does not understand my pain, and I think he might leave me if I do not get help soon. There is this huge disappointment in our lives, and so far we have been unable to share it with anyone.
Feeling alone is so common when you have vaginismus, and vaginismus.com also offers a forum where you can talk to other women going through this and support each other!
Vaginismus Next Steps
They do recommend seeing a doctor to rule out any possible medical causes of the problem. But that likely strikes terror in you, so they walk you through what will happen and even give you a sample script to explain it to the doctor if you’re embarrassed. And the site tells you what other information you should have on hand to tell your physician so that you get the most out of the appointment.
Now, what if it is decided that you have vaginismus? Vaginismus.com has one of the best programs out there for helping you get better, and you can do it in the privacy of your own home. It includes a manual that you walk through and some vaginal dilators (which sound and look really scary but don’t worry–you get to them only when you’re ready!)
The manual is really the most important part, because it helps you uncover if there IS an underlying reason that needs to be dealt with, like fear of sex, shame of sex, sexual abuse in your past, problems with your partner, etc. But sometimes there isn’t any of that. Sometimes it isn’t clear what the problem is! And that’s okay, because you can still move forward.
They focus on helping you become “sensate”, too, or focus on your breathing and your sexual self. That part can sound a little scary to some from a Christian background, but it really shouldn’t. Sex is supposed to be wonderful and something that carries us away, and being asked to focus on your sexual self is not a rejection of God. On the contrary–making sex into something which is really only about feeling intimate or having kids is a problem in and of itself. It is also an experience which should “carry us away”, and if sometimes we need to discover our sexual selves to get over vaginismus!
Some of the exercises about uncovering your sexuality are likely better done with your husband, but don’t be afraid of them. They can be fun!
Once you’re ready you can start to use the dilators, but it’s important not to use the dilators just on their own. The website says:
The main focus of proper dilator use is in retraining the pelvic floor, not on stretching the vaginal opening.
If you don’t learn how to retrain the pelvic floor muscles to stop that involuntary clenching, then you’re not really going to succeed.
Will it get better?
Vaginismus is highly treatable! If you have pain during sex, get help:
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Yes! Vaginismus actually has very high cure rates, and you can see all the studies on vaginismus treatment here that can make you feel more confident! I was talking to a 28-year-old mom just last month who started her marriage with vaginismus, but who is now over it and starting to experience actual pleasure with sex (which she never thought would happen!). So do not despair!
There’s so much more at the site than I’ve been able to cover, but I’m really impressed at such a great resource. And they also have links for other female sexual problems as well, so it’s really useful.
And if you’re reading this, just keep it in the back of your mind. So many women have amazing sex lives until something happens–childbirth, a car accident, menopause. And all of a sudden pain starts. I just want all of us to recognize that sex is done with our physical bodies, and so physical problems can affect sex. So if you encounter this, don’t despair. Know that there is help. And tell your friends about this so that all of us know we don’t have to go through this alone, and it doesn’t have to stay this way forever.
Let me know in the comments: Any encouragement for women scared of pain during sex or experiencing pain when they make love? Let’s talk!
Marriage isn't supposed to be blah!
Sex is supposed to be stupendous--physically, emotionally, AND spiritually.
If it's not, get The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex--and find out what you've been missing.
The post Reader Question: Will Sex Hurt? Vaginismus vs. Simple Pain appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.
June 24, 2016
Can Essential Oils Boost My Marriage?
I have to admit that I was once a skeptic. But I’ve really embraced oils over the last few years, and in today’s quick Marriage Moment I want to tell you why!
Sheila’s Marriage Moment: How Essential Oils Just Plain Make Life Better
I used to use essential oils to make nice smelling bath bombs. I really thought that was all essential oils were good for–making things smell nice.
But then, as I started to research it, I learned that they can actually boost our mood, our immunity, and even our libido!
Now, please understand: I’m a physician’s wife. I am totally 100% pro-vaccine. I believe in modern medicine and would not hesitate to go to a doctor if I needed to. I’m not saying that we should all forget the amazing benefits of modern medicine that God has blessed us with to go back to only what they used before they developed penicillin.
I’m just saying: since we live in such an amazing time, why not use the best of both worlds?
And perhaps, just perhaps, we are turning to chemical things a little too often.
I’ve been plagued by some health problems for the last few years that we’ve finally figured out are tied to some sort of chemical in restaurant food. As long as I cook at home using only real foods, I’m absolutely fine. As soon as I go to restaurants too often I get pain that’s worse than labour that they assure me is not gall bladder.
And that started me on a quest to get rid of a lot of chemicals from our house. I use citrus-infused vinegar as degreasers and as fabric softener (it smells lovely!). I use essential oils to clean my countertops and to disinfect, rather than use harsh chemicals. And when I travel now, I travel with essential oil blends for headaches, sore muscles, coughs and colds, and even cellulite (the verdict’s still out on whether that’s working, but it smells nice, so I’m okay with it).
For me, it’s about getting healthy, but also about just plain pampering myself.
Right now, the Herbs and Essential Oils Super Bundle is on sale (but only until Monday!). You get over $400 worth of resources to teach you how to incorporate herbs and essential oils into your everyday life for just $29.97. I bought my own copy on Wednesday, and I’ve been having so much fun going through the books. And pictures like this make me sigh:
It’s just so luxurious! There’s something beautiful about working with nature that we don’t get in any other endeavour in this life, other than perhaps cooking.
To me, this is the perfect summer project: learn to grow a few herbs (like mint or basil), purchase some essential oils, and then make some blends and just try them! They really are lovely.
And right now, you can learn how to herbs and oils for just $29.97–which includes books and ecourses that are worth more than $400. And you get 50% off an order from Golden Poppy Herbal Apothecary (though they only ship in the continental U.S. Sorry fellow Canadians!). Buy more than $60 of oils and you’ve paid for the bundle already!
My favourite oils? Rosemary, Peppermint, Orange, Ylang Ylang, Lemon, Tea Tree, and Eucalyptus.
Find out more here–and have a wonderful project for this summer!
What’s #1 at To Love, Honor and Vacuum?
Having trouble making sex happen? Or maybe you’re not quite equally being satisfied. Maybe your wedding night is quickly approaching and you’re getting the jitters on what you should be expecting, or worried that it won’t be what you’ve been waiting for. This week in the Tops we look at sex and ask some questions that might be on your mind.
#1 NEW Post on the Blog: The Terrible Awful Thing I Did To My Kids
#1 on the Blog Overall: Top 10 Tips For Initiating Sex With Your Husband
#1 from Facebook: I’m Always Left Hanging In Bed
#4 from Pinterest: Top 10 Wedding Night Tips
To All My British Friends: Wow. Just Wow.
I tweeted this out last night:
Why are people calling the #Brexit elections already based on exit polls? That never seems to work in North America.
— SheilaGregoire (@sheilagregoire) June 23, 2016
But then I got making dinner and my husband and I watched a show and I knit and I went to bed…and woke up this morning to Brexit!
The polls were wrong.
So I know emotions are high on both sides, and especially for the Remain camp, you must be devastated and scared right now. And as I’ve been thinking about the American election coming and how scared we often get about what kind of government we will have, God’s been reminding me more and more that we need to spend our emotional energy and spiritual energy on the things that are within our influence and control, and not worry too much about other things. God’s got them–you do what you are called to do. And even when things don’t go as you think they should, God is ultimately writing a story.
Let Him write the big one, and you do what you can in your small area of the world.
I’m not saying we shouldn’t care or keep informed; only that ultimately we should not “trust in kings or princes”. No politician or political order can save us.
And for those in the Leave camp, what an exciting time for you! It will be interesting to see what happens from all of this. But again, I urge the same thing: let’s not believe that this will cure all that ills Britain (or the world). Keep praying in your immediate circle. Keep reaching out. Keep working on relationships. That will bear much dividends for Christ.
(Okay, but I have to admit to being a little excited this morning. It has just felt to me for a long time that the world has been going in the wrong direction, and for a nation to say, “let’s stop it and do something new” is just, well, exhilirating. But perhaps it’s easier to be excited because I’m on this side of the pond!)
Did you see this on Facebook?
The former editor of a British “men’s” magazine ended up doing a documentary on what porn does to kids’ brains. He’s not a Christian, but he is so scared. A really honest look at it. It’s heartbreaking. But it’s so heartening, in a way, to see the secular world realizing this stuff.
A great article to read–I shared it and it went kind of huge, so I thought you’d all want to see it if you hadn’t already! (Maybe you should share it on Facebook, too! It’s a must read. Just click here.)
I’m getting ready for vacation!
I’ve spent the last few weeks scheduling posts while I’m gone, so keep checking in! But I’m looking forward to getting away with my family for a while. It will be our first family trip with my new son-in-law! I’ll share lots of pics. The best way to follow us is to follow us on Instagram! Here’s me, here’s Katie, and here’s Rebecca! And the girls’ feeds are seriously artistic.
Sorry America, but we really do have the better side of the falls, I'm afraid
June 23, 2016
The Terrible Awful Thing I Did to My Kids
Today Joanne Kraft, the author of The Mean Mom’s Guide to Raising Great Kids, shares with her a terrible awful thing she did one summer. See if you think it’s that terrible:
When my kids were young, I was thrilled when the last day of school rolled around. After all, I wouldn’t have to wake up early and throw lunches together or run around trying to find a lost shoe or their half-finished homework. Mornings were going to be a breath of fresh air. I’d have my coffee and relax a little.
Then my kids became old enough to speak.
What are we doing today? Can I watch TV? Will you take me to my friend’s house? I want to go swimming! She got to watch her show already, I want to watch mine. Log me into the computer! Puhleease log me into the computer! Mama I want to play my game. When are we leaving this house?! Can you pick up my friend and bring him over? Why? When does camp start? When are we going? I’m hot. I’m hungry. I want a snack.
Or, my all-time favorite: I’m BORED!
One summer morning, when my two oldest were in grammar school, they started in with these kinds of questions and these questions soon turned into arguing with one another. They were tired of playing together so why not throw in a little MMA ringside action?
To make things worse, they woke the baby. Cue the freakishly angry mom face…in her robe…without her coffee.
Instead of screaming and shouting, or tapping in to their MMA action, I decided I was done. I’d had enough. I mean I was seriously done.
At just shy of 7:30am I got their attention. “Get back to bed. We’ll start again tomorrow. I love you. Good night.” I walked each back into their bedrooms after telling them I’d bring them breakfast, lunch and dinner. “You’ll be dining alone today.”
Yep, I did a terrible awful thing and sent my kids back to bed 20 minutes after they woke up.
And, I don’t regret it.
I didn’t send them to Siberia–I sent them to their room for the rest of the morning, the rest of the afternoon and the rest of the evening. That place where they have their own bed and their own books and a bazillion other toys to keep them busy. Yeah, that’s where I sent them–all day long.
That terrible awful morning taught me a lot. Here’s the amazing part.
Within 30 minutes something magical started to happen. The same two kids who wanted to scratch each other’s eyes out like feral alley cats now yearned to be together. I’d peek down the hall to see them sitting in the doorway of their room, arms outstretched and trying to communicate to one another. More like whispering through a bull-horn, but it was cute nonetheless.
By the afternoon, squiggly notes were being written “in code” and tossed to one another. Loud whispers grew into hours of giggles. Their morning hatred of me was being replaced by an unbelievable love for one another. As a matter of fact, my oldest married girl saved one of the notes her little brother tossed her down the hall while incarcerated all those years ago. (I just love that.)
So, mom, if you’re wondering what to do to fill your kids time, I say don’t.
MOMS: Wondering how to fill your kids' days this summer? Don't. Let THEM:
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Let yourself off the hook. You don’t have to fill their every waking minute.
And, please, STOP reading Pinterest articles about the 10,000 perfect things perfectly perfect moms do with their perfectly perfect kids in the summer. For the love of monkeys–just love your kids. Do what makes YOU happy. Because when you’re happy your kids are happy.
If you are happy going to the library, then take them to the library. If it makes you feel joy to garden in the backyard, then garden in the backyard, kids can lend a hand–or go to Siberia. If it’s packing a lunch and throwing a blanket in the backyard for a homegrown picnic, then do it! Or, do the unthinkable, unimaginable, and insane thing. Stay in the house and send them outside.
Kids have been playing for thousands of years without any assistance from iPads or television. They can figure things out. Don’t you dare shrink back when they flip a lid. The angrier they are – the more they need to unplug. Remember, you’re NOT their summertime social director. That’s not part of a mom’s job description.
Kids have been playing on their own for thousands of years without iPads. Let them.
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Now, go and turn up your favorite music to drown out those kids raising holy hell and demanding to come back in.
Then enjoy that cup of coffee.
Joanne Kraft is a mom of four almost-grown people and the author of The Mean Mom’s Guide to Raising Great Kids. Pay her a visit at JoanneKraft.com.
DOWNLOAD two chapters from The Mean Mom’s Guide absolutely free!
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June 22, 2016
How to Have Those Awkward Conversations with Your Husband
Today’s Wednesday, the day we always talk marriage! And today Samantha Hanni is joining us to talk about how she broached an awkward topic with HER husband.
Remember: it’s better to have these conversations, even if they’re awkward, then to ignore important issues! If there’s something you need to talk about, or you need to confront your husband about, don’t shy away from it. Yes, it’s awkward and difficult. But your marriage is worth it.
Here’s Samantha–and I love how REAL her advice is:
The rumor mill was churning a few weeks ago as news outlets picked up chatter about another potential candidate for the U.S. presidency. The man in question was David French, a constitutional lawyer and decorated Iraqi veteran from Tennessee. He has since declined to run, but the chatter and controversy surrounding this potential candidate were more than intriguing.
One side story caught the eye of my husband.
David and his wife Nancy, acting as faithful and committed husband and wives do, agreed to some rules and boundaries before French deployed for his tour in Iraq. Nancy wouldn’t be active on Facebook, neither of them would drink, and striking up intimate conversations with the opposite sex would be avoided.
Most people would read that and think, “Very smart. They are guarding their marriage- what an example!”
Of course, that’s not how some of the media sees it.
Pundits implied that French was acting in an unreasonable, controlling manner, as if there was no mutual consent to the guarding of a precious commodity like a marriage.
As my husband was reading this story out loud, I thought to myself, “Hmm we haven’t revisited this topic in a while. Might be a good idea just as a tune-up.”
I broached the topic on the way home and like ripping off a Band-Aid, there’s never any easy way into this type of conversation. You have to dive right in.
As we all know, part of being an adult is having the courage to own those awkward and tough conversations.
Sometimes in marriage, you have to have those awkward conversations. Here's how:
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I mentor and teach teens through church, and I always encourage them in their dating relationships to be intentional with their conversations, especially when it comes to boundaries and expectations. My husband and I had a lot of success with that when we were dating, but guess what? That pattern has to continue in marriage. Tough topics have to be reexamined, tinkered with and tuned-up.
So what are some ways you can navigate those tough conversations, be it about boundaries, finances, kids or family drama?
1. Explain Your Intentions
I took the time to explain to my husband that I didn’t want to put him on the defensive, but to ensure that all these topics were open for discussion. I was not trying to attack him, but essentially bring him closer by working through this talk. That attitude resonated with him, and we addressed some changes to make with our phone usage in the evening and thoughts on email correspondence.
I love how Emmerson Eggerichs puts it in Chapter 10 of Love and Respect,
As a husband you must understand that those feelings of being interrogated and thinking your wife is snooping or asking a lot of unnecessary questions are going to come over you. It will happen, and you must stop yourself before you get upset. Think about why your wife is doing this. She wants to keep things up-to-date. She’s moving toward you because she loves you – you matter to her!
These words ring so true. Through taking time to explain my intentions, my husband was able to receive what I was saying, and I didn’t feel pushed aside or disregarded by his reactions.
2. Think Bite-Sized Talks
Small conversations build bridges for the future. Small conversations build trust, encourage openness, and strengthen the bonds between husband and wife. The car conversation my husband and I had the other day lasted only a few minutes, but we gained greater understanding on how we are wired and refocused us on the importance of attending to the details in our marriage. Sure, some conversations require more in-depth attention, but more often than not, those small talks pave the way for when there are canyons and rivers to cross on down the road. If you and your spouse rarely circle back to these topics, if you never even had the conversations to begin with, then it will be much tougher to walk through when problems do arise.
3. Don’t Expect Talk-Show Flow
Pauses. Tension. Unveiling of hurts from the past and frustrations with the present. Recognizing where changes need to be made. This is not the trademark of the easy banter between talk show hosts and interviewee. What are your expectations when you have these types of conversations? Maybe it’s just me, but I want our words to flow, I want it to feel natural, I want it to feel conflict-free.
That’s not reasonable. Like, at all.
Just like French described his conversation with his wife, he described it as “painfully honest.” A good thing, but not a comfortable thing. Sometimes I think we confuse the two. Be patient when your spouse pauses to collect their thoughts, speak low and kindly, but don’t give up because it’s not as fun as discussing dinner plans (who am I kidding, that decision is like pulling teeth).
In marriage, avoiding awkward conversations is usually worse than having them.
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Whatever you are walking through in your marriage, whether you are a newlywed, or you’ve been around the block a few times, I hope you will be encouraged to attend to the details in your marriage and have the courage to dive into those less-than-comfortable topics. It will be worth it in the end.
SAMANTHA HANNI is a freelance writer and editor from Oklahoma. She is the author of “Change the Conversation: Teens, Dating, and the Church,” available for purchase from the Amazon Kindle Store. She is also published in “Big Dreams from Small Spaces,” by Group Publishing. Her other work has been featured on Devotional Diva and in the OCHEC Informer. She blogs at mrshanni.com. Samantha and her husband Kurtis live in Oklahoma City.
How do you handle awkward conversations with your husband? Do you avoid them, or do you jump right in, pauses and tension and all? Let’s talk in the comments!
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