Sheila Wray Gregoire's Blog, page 153
August 3, 2016
The Day We Should Have Fought–But We Didn’t
Yesterday my husband and I should have had a few tense moments and perhaps even a bit of a blowout. Ten years ago, in that situation, we would have.
But we didn’t, and I’m proud of us.
I think, after 25 years, we’re actually growing up!
So let me tell you a story about our day yesterday.
How I Avoided Starting a Fight with My Hubby when I normally would have: a funny story!
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Once upon the time there was a couple who lived in a three-story house. Her mom decided to move into their basement, and that means that the main floor was now common property. So since the couple are now empty nesters, they decided to turn one of the guest bedrooms, that is currently supposed to be Sheila’s office, but let’s be real–she just sits on couches with her computer, actually–and turn it into a sitting room/exercise room/TV room.
Here’s where I normally work. But I don’t always have this bad posture!
And here is the absolute mess of a room that needs furniture.And for that, they needed to go to Ikea. Which is in Ottawa. 3 hours away.
(Okay, enough of telling the story in the third person. Let’s get personal here).
When my mom moved in she also brought a lot of nice furniture. We tried to keep the best and get rid of the rest, but one thing she did have was a super nice dining room set. We decided to take that to Rebecca and her husband Connor in their new basement apartment.
We also had a number of smaller things that needed to be moved to their place, and since we were going to Ottawa, we decided to take some of the boxes that Katie would need for school to Ottawa, too. So we rented a UHaul trailer and borrowed a truck and off we went.
Well, that was the plan anyway. Keith was supposed to pick up the trailer at 8, when he got off of call at the hospital, and then pick up our nephew who was going to help us, and then be home early so we could load up.
But at 7:50 he got a new consult at the hospital so he was running late. The UHaul took forever to rent and the truck wasn’t ready. It was 10 by the time he got home, and I was getting a little testy.
Now, here’s where personality differences kick in.
I’m an ENTJ, which means that I’m a big picture person, and I don’t care much about details. Keith’s a heavy detail person. And so Keith couldn’t, in all good conscience, put any good furniture in this trailer unless it was done exactly right, with nothing able to move and everything protected with blankets, etc.
Keith, of course, was totally right, but it was taking him FOREVER to load this thing up. And did I mention it was like 35 degrees (for all of you non Celsius people, that’s like mid 90s)?
HE was the one doing all the moving, but I was getting really grumpy in the heat. And then he starts getting a little testy when he sees how much there was to move.
When Keith gets testy, I assume it’s because he thinks I’ve done something wrong.
So I immediately go into defense mode. All sorts of things went through my head–“we have the truck now, so we’ve been saving it all up to move all at once”, or “why did you think I was writing ‘Rebecca and Connor’ on all those boxes for weeks?” But I didn’t say it. Because I took a deep breath and realized something.
Keith is not upset at me. He is hot and frazzled cause he is running late and he just wants this over with.
And I went and got him a glass of water.
We did get to Ottawa, and got most of the furniture downstairs fairly quickly. But then we tried to get the dining room hutch down. And you know what? It just didn’t fit down those stairs. Matt (our nephew) was on top and Connor was on the bottom, and Keith was trying to guide it, and everyone kept talking about physics and angles, and NOPE. It was stuck.
(this was really the only pic I took yesterday. Sorry I don’t have more to show you!)
So they took it back upstairs, we put it back in the UHaul, and we had to bring it home.
We all went for lunch at the food court at the mall, but it was 2:00 by now and I was super hot and super hungry, which usually makes me grumpy all over again. But I held it together.
After lunch we had to drop stuff off at Katie’s condo.
And on the way there he realized we were low on gas, and no one knew where a gas station was that could accommodate a truck and trailer. So he starts running his hand through his hair like he does when his stress levels go up. And he says to me, “I’m just frustrated because I didn’t realize what all of this would entail today, and we started so late.”
And I get frustrated because we talked about all of this. But I often find that men are like that. When you make a plan for a family beach day, for instance, a guy thinks, “we’ll pile the kids in the car and drive to the beach.” A mom often pictures all the meals that have to be packed and the sunscreen and the changes of clothes and the toys and then, on the morning when mom’s running around getting all of this stuff and asking him to start doing some prep work he’s somehow surprised. And she wonders why.
So I find myself stressed, because it’s not my fault that we have no gas and it’s not my fault that we have to drop off Katie’s stuff, and what exactly did he think we were going to do with Katie’s stuff in the back of the truck anyway?
And then it occurs to me again: Keith doesn’t think it’s my fault. He’s just frustrated. So I calm down and we find a gas station on Google Maps.
Then it was time for Ikea.
Now, Keith doesn’t like shopping. He never has. And so shopping is usually tense because I don’t want to buy something if he’s not happy, but he’s never really happy because he doesn’t want to be there in the first place. So if I say, “do you like this one?” and he says, “Sure,” I’m never sure if he means “Yes, it’s amazing and I’ll love it forever,” or if he means, “Yes, I like it if it means you will let me leave this place and go home.”
To make matters worse, as we walk through Ikea the first thing he says is, “So we’re just looking for a couch, right?” And I said, “No, we’re looking for all the furniture for the guest bedroom. We want a corner couch and a wall unit to go around the TV, and maybe some storage if it fits.”
I thought we had talked about this. But apparently we hadn’t.
But he didn’t get grumpy. He just looked frazzled.
And a large part of that was because the hospital kept calling him about a patient’s blood test results while we’re trying to shop, and his mind is in a million places.
True story: I’ve always gotten annoyed when work phones Keith when he’s supposed to be off. Or when all of his phone calls delay us leaving town. I know he can’t help it. I know it’s part of his job. I know he’s not deliberately doing this to me. But I also refuse to let him talk on the phone while he’s driving, and he refuses to go on speaker phone with anyone else in the car because of patient confidentiality, so we often have to pull off the road so he can call and it’s all just a big hassle.
Again, not his fault. He is a very responsible man and a good doctor. But hassles drive me batty.
So there we are, running three hours late, hot as anything, and I’m frazzled that he’s surprised that somehow we’ve got to buy actual furniture at Ikea and he’s frazzled that there are more decisions he has to make.
But we all agree this is necessary because we don’t get to Ottawa with a UHaul very often.
We actually picked out the furniture fairly quickly, only to find that the store was missing one of the key components of our couch. But then Keith realized that he could pick it up at the Toronto branch this Thursday when he has to go into the city, and it will fit in my mom’s car, so he was my hero again.
We got home at 10:30, he and my nephew unpacked that UHaul, and now we can spend this weekend getting the room ready. I’m happy.
But best of all, I didn’t blow up when Keith seemed tense.
How I didn't blow up when my husband was bugging me: The one thought that changed everything!
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Usually when I get upset it really is because he’s testy and I get defensive. But what I’ve been noticing more and more is that when Keith is testy, it’s rarely because he’s ticked off at me. He’s just frustrated with circumstances. If I take it as a personal slight, I blow the whole thing out of proportion. But if I just realize he’s frustrated and if I say something encouraging, like, “I know this is a pain, but we can do this. Let’s just get it done fast!”, or “I’m so impressed with how much you guys carried today. I couldn’t do that in all this heat,” or “I’m sorry that you still have to worry about that patient. You really are a good doctor, you know,” I just change the whole dynamic of the situation. And it’s so much better.
I’ve written a lot about believing the best of your spouse–believing that they want the best for you, even when you’re aggravated. And it really does change everything! It’s like what I said in Thought #2 in 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage–you don’t have to get ticked off. You really can control the way you react to your husband. So the next time your husband gets testy, don’t assume it’s because he’s mad at you. Try to see things from his point of view. And maybe you can defuse the situation, too.
When do you and your husband usually get testy with each other? Do you guys shop well together? Let’s talk in the comments!
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August 2, 2016
Top 10 Ways to Support a Spouse Struggling to Lose Weight
Yesterday I was talking about how to heat up your sex life, and I was hoping to run a post today on how to make HIM feel great in bed. But I had so many comments on older posts come in yesterday about problems with a spouse’s weight, and I thought I’d run this one first, because it seems to be a real stumbling block for so many when it comes to feeling attracted to your spouse.
So here’s Leanne Seel, a frequent blog reader, homeschool mom, and writer, who makes some amazing points here about the dynamics in a marriage when one spouse really needs to lose weight!
Here’s Leanne:
I’ve had a weight problem for most of my life.
Like most strugglers, I’ve gone up and down over the years. I can tell you the calorie count in most foods, have spent countless hours exercising, and I know about chocolate’s secret super-power of being able to call you from the pantry.
Sheila’s recent posts about weight here and here got me thinking about this lifelong struggle, its effects, and what a spouse can do that is actually helpful.
So, here are my top 10 ways to support a spouse who’s dealing with a weight issue.
10 Ways to support a spouse who is trying to lose weight. #7 is SO important!
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1. Remember that it’s your spouse’s issue, not yours
Any change that your spouse is going to make has to come from within. You cannot force it or nag it into place. If you start taking too much ownership of your spouse’s body issues, not only is that unhealthy for you, it will actually make things worse for your spouse. They will feel like they are adding yet another burden on to you.
2. Remember Thumper
Thumper the rabbit wisely said:
If you can’t say something nice, don’t say nothing at all.
If you don’t have something encouraging to say to your spouse as they work on their weight problem, don’t say anything at all.
When was the last time you made a lasting change for yourself because of someone else nagging you? Making critical comments about your spouse’s appearance will not motivate them to change, and is actually more likely to cause destructive behaviours – either because your spouse is ashamed or because your comments are making them angry and they want to spite you. Either way, it’s not healthy for your spouse or your marriage. Keep your negative, critical thoughts to yourself.
Making comments about the bodies of other men/women and talking about how good they look compared to the person you’re married to is not going to motivate your spouse to change either. Definitely NOT helpful.
It’s also better to keep your mouth shut when you’re tempted to comment on things your spouse is eating. Trying to control what they eat won’t work. Your spouse needs to make daily eating decisions for themselves.
The only time I can think of when it might be helpful to speak up is when your spouse is in denial – they are not actually dealing with a weight issue as the title of this post suggests – they are ignoring it. Maybe your spouse is clearly obese, but thinks they are fit. Maybe they are passing on unhealthy eating habits to your children. In those cases, I would definitely say something. Exactly what would depend on the situation. If I were in denial, I would want my spouse to start a conversation on a reasonably relaxed day with:
I’m concerned about … Do you have any thoughts about it?
That approach may not work with every spouse, but it’s somewhere to start.
If your spouse is actively working on their health, you do not need to give your opinion on what they are doing unless they ask you directly for it.
3. Quietly set a good example
Make healthy food choices yourself. Exercise. Get to bed at a decent hour. Do all this without broadcasting it, and the behaviour may just catch on. Sound hard to do? It is – even when you’re healthy to start with. Now imagine how hard it would be if you felt like your whole body & genetic makeup were working against you, and you’ll have a miniscule insight into just how much of a struggle your spouse faces every single day.
4. Watch for triggers and for goodness sakes try not to be one!
There are all kinds of things that can trigger overeating for someone who is struggling. Stress, boredom, loneliness, conflict, fatigue – or even some positive things like celebrations and social gatherings. Find out what your spouse’s triggers are. In private on a reasonably relaxed day, ask them – gently.
Helpful: “I’ve noticed that you’ve been really trying to make healthy choices lately. Are there certain situations that make that more difficult for you to do?”
Not helpful: “What causes you to binge eat?”
When you figure out what your spouse’s triggers are, can you think of ways that you can help them without nagging? If your spouse really struggles with overeating when they are bored, can you plan some fun activities together? If they struggle when they are stressed, are you able to take some things off their plate? Or can you help them relieve their stress in healthy ways – with sex and/or exercise, for example?
I’m not saying to rearrange your entire life to your own detriment – we can’t possibly meet all of our spouse’s needs. I’m just asking if there are small things that could be done differently to everyone’s benefit.
5. Don’t bring junk food into the house
If you know your spouse has a donut addiction, bringing a dozen home for breakfast is just plain mean. If you really want a donut, eat one when you’re away from the house. Recycle the box it came in before you get home. Don’t lie to your spouse, but don’t put their vice under their nose either.
If your spouse does the grocery shopping, don’t ask them to buy junk food – even if it’s “just for you.” The junk can stay at the store.
If you do the grocery shopping, buy stuff that works with your spouse’s healthy eating plan.
When we were first married, my husband did the grocery shopping. Included in the items he came home with the first week was a package of Fudgee-O cookies. Now I was old enough to know that I could not have Fudgee-O’s in my kitchen. I explained this to my new husband, but he didn’t get it. To him, having a few cookies after work was no big deal. He didn’t understand that for me, it would never be 2-3 per day. If I ate even one, I could easily plow through the whole bag within a day. I should have pushed the point, but I didn’t. I second-guessed my own experience and the cookies went into the cupboard.
Well, 7 pounds later, I pleaded with him to please take the cookies to work so he could have them at lunch instead. I appealed to his math brain: 60 calories per cookie x 3 per day = 18.77 pounds per year. The lightbulb went on and he got it. The cookies were never to be seen again.
He learned to trust me when I ask him not to bring specific things into the house, and has honoured every request since without complaint. I learned that I should never, ever take food advice from someone who doesn’t know about chocolate’s secret super power.
If your spouse needs to lose weight, are you supporting them or inadvertently undermining them?
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6. Be happy when a healthy meal is put in front of you.
If your spouse does the cooking and tries to make something healthy, be happy about their effort.
Helpful: “This looks delicious!” If delicious is a bit of a stretch, try “This looks interesting – how did you make it?” Mean what you say. Don’t lie or patronize.
Not helpful: “What is this rabbit food?! I thought Tuesdays were for chicken-fried steak and potatoes with gravy?”
For a spouse who’s trying to eat healthy food, it can be incredibly discouraging to have a husband or wife who complains about what they are being served. This in itself can be enough to completely derail a healthy eating plan.
That being said, once you’ve eaten the meal, if you don’t like it, speak up. “That wasn’t my favourite – I prefer the stir-fry you made last week.” Be honest about what you think. There are other healthy recipes out there that you will both like.
If you do the cooking, make food that works with your spouse’s healthy eating plan.
7. Grant reasonable requests for accommodations for a healthy lifestyle
This will look different in every situation. Maybe it means looking after your kids so your spouse has time to hit the gym. Or, if your spouse manages to get to strollercise in the morning, maybe they need some de-stressing time at the end of the day, or time to make a proper meal plan. Whatever it is, if you can reasonably give it to them, do it.
Sometimes making accommodations involves one-off things here and there. We recently took a family day trip to an amusement park. We were packing lunches to take with us and I didn’t have what I needed for me, so I asked my husband if we could stop on the way to pick up a pre-made salad at the grocery store.
Helpful: “Sure, no problem. That will only take a few minutes. I’ll wait in the car with the kids while you run in.”
Not helpful: “That’s five minutes out of the way in each direction. We were supposed to get there at 10. Traffic is going to be bad. We’re on a tight deadline as it is.”
Those of us who struggle with our weight often find it extra difficult to ask for what we need. I’m not sure if it’s because we have subconsciously bought into the cultural idea that we are second-class citizens, or if we had trouble voicing our needs to begin with and the extra weight is a manifestation of that difficulty. For whatever reason, it often takes a lot of agony just to voice a request. If a voiced need is abruptly dismissed without any thought, it can cut pretty deep – particularly when it’s something that is relatively simple to accommodate. Am I not even worth a 10-minute detour for an outing that isn’t really time sensitive?
So stop and think before answering without thinking. If you can reasonably make the accommodation, do it. If you can’t, validate the request before saying no. “I really want to give you time to get to the gym today because I know how important it is for you. I have a meeting with my boss until 6 tonight. Could we switch things around so you can go after dinner this time?”
8. Recognize how difficult this is for your spouse
Remember that it’s rarely about the food. Ninety-nine percent of the time, there’s something else going on. Genetics, metabolic conditions, medications, and age can also pack on the pounds. In all likelihood, it’s a combination of different things that is adding up to your spouse’s difficulty in losing weight.
You can help in this area by validating their feelings of frustration if they vent them to you, while staying positive.
Helpful: “I get that this is difficult/frustrating/stressful. If it were easy, nobody would have a weight problem. I have seen your strength and determination before. If anyone can get victory over this in spite of the constant obstacles, it’s you.”
Not helpful: “I don’t get why this is so hard for you. Just stop with the cookies already.”
9. Accept your spouse the way they are
If your spouse were not able to lose a pound, would you still want to be married to them? Oh, I hope so. If the answer is no, then please get help – with your own attitudes and/or the other issues going on in your marriage.
Tell your spouse what you love about them. Express gratitude for the things they do. Affirm their character. Point out what you love about their body.
10. Pray for wisdom
I may not have mentioned exactly what your spouse needs, but God knows. Pray for your spouse, for your marriage, and for wisdom for both of you.
10 Ways to Support a Spouse Who is Trying to Lose Weight: Nagging isn't one of them.
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So, there you have it. Ten ways to support a spouse who’s dealing with a weight issue. What would you add to this list? Let’s talk in the comments!
Leanne is a homeschooling mom who blogs about ideas for teaching French. You may be interested in her post Five Fun French ideas for summer, plus 3 resources for fall – link to http://frenglishlearning.com/five-fun-french-ideas-for-summer-3-resources-for-fall/
She also has a free e-book: Getting started teaching French at home (whether you speak French or not). You can get that here.
The post Top 10 Ways to Support a Spouse Struggling to Lose Weight appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.
August 1, 2016
Reader Question: How Can I Become More Orgasmic?
If you want to have more regular orgasms, you’ve come to the right place! Let’s talk today about how to become more orgasmic.
Every Monday I like to post a reader question and take a stab at answering it, and here’s one that I get quite frequently. A reader writes,
I can reach orgasm if my husband uses his hand on me, but I’ve only hit orgasm during sex maybe two or three times in five years. Is there a way to make it happen more often? I just find myself so frustrated.
I’d love to try to tackle this one today. I’ve been a little absent from the blog for a while–I had my big family vacation in July and then over the last two weeks I’ve been so busy moving my mom into my house. But I’ve got some great posts coming up this week and I’m excited to be back in the swing of things on the blog. I’ve missed it. So today we’re going to talk about how to make sex feel great for HER, and then tomorrow we’ll tackle 10 ways to make sex feel great for HIM!
But let’s start with you.
The Orgasm Conundrum: You Can’t Try Too Hard
Here’s the hard thing about orgasm: for it to work, the orgasm has to carry you along, you can’t carry it along. And that’s why so many people struggle with this. The harder you try, the less likely it is to happen. But at the same time, there are certain things you really do have to do to make it work.
It’s a lot like sleep: if you try to sleep or if you’re desperate to fall asleep, you’ll lie awake tossing and turning. You have to let the sleep overtake you. But that doesn’t mean you do nothing. You have to get comfortable. You have to turn off some of the things in your brain. You have to let go.
I also think that the process of learning how to reach orgasm is a lot like learning to swim or learning to ride a bike. When you’re learning it seems so complicated. There are so many things you have to pay attention to. But one day, all of a sudden, the training wheels come off and you wobble a bit but then you just fly down the street and you don’t have to think at all! It’s a skill. Same with swimming. One day you’re concentrating so hard on how to float; the next day you just seem to float naturally without thinking about it, and you wonder how you ever found this difficult.
Once you know how to ride a bike, though, it’s hard to describe how you do it. It’s just something that happens. And that’s the same with an orgasm. So I’m going to try today, rather imperfectly, to describe how we can make it happen more frequently and more regularly in your marriage.
What If You Can’t Orgasm At All?
One of the things I tried to describe in my book, The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, was what an orgasm actually felt like, because I talked to many women at the marriage conferences where I would speak who were never sure if they had actually orgasmed or not. And I did explain how to reach orgasm for the first time.
This post isn’t exactly about that. If you’ve NEVER reached orgasm, this post will help, but you may want to read more basic posts like these ones:
Honeymoon Blues to “O”ver the Rainbow
The Importance of the Clitoris
AND, of course, my books 31 Days to Great Sex and The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex have a ton of info in there, too.
But today I want to talk to that woman who maybe has reached orgasm a few times, but it’s not regular and she’s frustrated. What do you do?
Have trouble reaching 'The Big O' in your marriage? Super practical (and tasteful) tips!
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8 Tips for Reaching Orgasm More Frequently
1. Let Your Mind Let Go
Let your thoughts recede somewhere to the back of your mind so that you’re more just feeling. It isn’t that you try to think about nothing–that would just make you fall asleep, and that’s hardly sexy. It’s just that you try to stop thinking and more experiencing. Let your mind be less about forming thoughts and more about experiencing and savouring what is happening. Live entirely in the moment.
If you can start to just experience your body, then you’ll start to notice what feels really good and where it feels really good. Pay attention to what feels good, and then focus your mind to those places.
But there’s a difference between experiencing and concentrating. You don’t want to concentrate; you’ll just get frustrated and worked up. You want to experience, where you’re just enjoying it.
That lets you “let go”. And if other thoughts come into your head, like a grocery list or your to do list for tomorrow or something you’re upset about, banish them quickly. Go back to feeling.
2. Moan a Little Bit
One of the ways that you can tell if you’ve really let go and let your mind experience is if you start to vocalize a little bit. People who are really just experiencing are more likely to moan. People who are concentrating hard are less likely to, because moaning is really a reaction to what is happening. And that’s the key: you want to react, not cause something. And if you’re in the mental place where you’re just experiencing, you’re more likely to moan a bit.
So don’t be self-conscious about making noises. He’ll like it anyway–a lot! And here’s the added benefit: when you moan, you vibrate. And those vibrations actually help speed up pleasure. But don’t deliberately moan–just LET yourself moan. That’s a big difference. Relax enough that the moaning just happens. Often we STOP the moaning that wants to happen because we’re embarrassed. Relax, let it happen, and don’t worry about it. It really will help!
3. Breathe!
And while you’re doing that, don’t hold your breath. Holding your breath is another sign that you’re concentrating too much and trying to make something happen. If you’re being swept along, which is what you want, you will keep breathing. And keeping the oxygen going to different parts of you really does help as the pleasure builds. Once orgasm is imminent often people do stop breathing a bit, and that’s okay. But while it’s building, don’t stop those breaths!
4. Make Tiny Adjustments All the Time
You know when you’re scratching a dog’s tummy, and the dog will wiggle and squirm in pleasure and contort itself so you hit just the right spot? It’s not really thinking hard; it’s just enjoying things and moving so that things feel good.
You need to do the same thing! Move a little bit all the time. If you’re not feeling much of anything, the reason is usually that the angle isn’t quite right. So just move your hips (squeeze your butt so your hips go upward) and move left or right or whatever, until it feels great again. And sometimes it only feels good for a minute or two before the angle changes, so you just need to constantly be making adjustments so you keep feeling good. Usually when we’re making love he’s doing most of the work. But even if he’s on top, you can still move around a bit. And if this is difficult for you, try being on top yourself and finding out what feels best.
And the angle and position that feels good will change as pleasure builds, because blood flow will increase and actually change the size of everything! So it’s okay to be always making little adjustments.
Again, this doesn’t mean that you’re heavily concentrating. It’s more that you’re reacting. You’re chasing the feeling, and if it goes for a minute, you make small adjustments to get it back.
And what if something obviously wants to be touched, like your breasts, and they aren’t currently getting any attention? Take his hand and move it there, tell him, or even move your own hand there (he’ll get the message and this will likely excite him, too!)
Look, this is probably the hardest step, because what we normally do is try to make whatever it is that he’s doing feel good. So we concentrate so hard and we get nothing. You need to just experience and then chase that feeling. Move a bit and find it.
5. Know Your Own Arousal Sequence
Know what it feels like to have an orgasm. Let’s call that feeling a 10. Then no arousal at all is a 0. What’s important now is to know all the stages in between and to be able to identify what’s a 4 and what’s a 7.
And here’s the key: while it’s super fun to try different things during foreplay–like maybe have him touch you there, or orally stimulate you, or use several different positions, or whatever–once you hit a certain point, you don’t want to be switching things up much or you’ll send yourself back down the arousal chain.
So, sure, do different things to get yourself maybe to a 6 or a 7. But once you’re at 7–just start making love and don’t change position or anything much at all. It needs to carry you along, and if you have to stop what you’re doing to do something else you can’t be carried along.
6. Make Sure He Can Last Long Enough So You CAN Reach Orgasm
Here’s a tough one, especially for younger couples: you need to give yourself enough time. If he finishes in 5 minutes flat, then you likely aren’t going to have enough time to reach orgasm during intercourse, which is what most of us are aiming for.
So some thoughts: don’t start until you’re at a 7 on the arousal scale. Have him stimulate you in other ways first without you directly stimulating him to give him time to catch up to you. Or, alternatively, have a “quickie” a few hours earlier so that he’s not as desperate, and then try for the whole shebang later in the night when he’s more likely to be able to go longer.
7. Let the Wave Overtake You
When an orgasm does come it’s really more like a wave that washes over you. When you feel like it’s about to start (so when you’re at about a 9) it’s even more important NOT to concentrate but to just enjoy it and lean in. I don’t know how to explain this part (it’s like explaining how to float when you already know how to swim!), but just feel it rather than trying to control it.
8. Ride the Wave of the Orgasm
And here’s the neat thing–if you just keep feeling it and riding that wave, you can actually become multiorgasmic. When you concentrate too much, what can happen is that you reach orgasm and then you stop concentrating and everything stops. But if you just ride it, it can keep going. Just keep breathing and keep feeling, and it may keep going. The reason most of the time it stops is because we stop it. We say to ourselves, “there, I’ve done it!” and we enjoy it, but we stop experiencing and we start thinking. Just keep letting yourself feel it and it may keep going.
So there’s the best that I can manage to explain how to become more orgasmic when you’re actually making love. I know reaching orgasm during intercourse is a big goal that many of us have, and it often takes a few years in a marriage to get used to your body and how to “ride” the whole pleasure thing.
One last thought: know how hormones affect arousal. I wrote a big post on how arousal works throughout the month, and it’s important to know. There are certain days when it’s much easier to reach orgasm than others, and if you know this, you’re less likely to get frustrated on those “red” days. There’s nothing wrong with you. It’s just hormones!
I hope that helps! If anyone has any other tips or any other questions about orgasm, just leave them in the comments! Let’s not be afraid to talk about this stuff.
Oh, and have fun. 
July 29, 2016
What Does It Mean to Pray for Blessing?
I’ve had a busy week moving my mom into my house this week, and I’ve been thinking a lot about what makes a good life because of that. She’s in great health, and she’s not really “old”; it was just time to downsize and it made financial sense for her to move in with us since Keith and I are gone so much on the road with me speaking.
So she sold her house and did the big move yesterday.
And so I’ve been thinking about what it would be like at the other end, when you realize that life is changing and you likely won’t own a house again. How do you decide if your life has been good? If your prayers have been answered?
It reminded me of this short post I wrote years ago, and I thought I’d run it today as our short Friday Marriage Moment. It may not seem that it relates to marriage, but I think it’s a message we need for all of life.
Sheila’s Marriage Moment: Be Careful of Praying for Blessing
Everyday I check in on my favourite lists on Twitter, and recently I saw this by a “Life Coach”:
Start by blessing yourself. “May I be safe, may I be happy, may I be healthy, may I live with ease.”
I thought this was interesting. In my women’s retreat package, “Cutting the Strings“, I actually speak AGAINST all of those things.
Too often our primary prayers are for our own health, safety, happiness and well-being. And yet that was never what Jesus prayed for his followers, and it wasn’t what Paul prayed for his spiritual children.
Maybe our whole idea of what it means to be blessed is skewed.
Sometimes it is only through adversity that we really grow. It’s like in Finding Nemo. Remember that scene, near the end of the movie, when dad Marlin is distraught because it looks like he will never be able to rescue Nemo? And Dorrie tries to cheer him up, which makes Marlin even more irritated.
“Don’t you understand?!?” he cries. “I promised him that nothing would ever happen to him!”. “Well, that’s a funny thing to promise,” replies Dorrie. “Because if nothing ever happened to him, then nothing would ever happen to him.”
I think there’s a lot of spiritual wisdom in that fish.
The point is not what happens to us in life; it’s how we respond, and whether we allow God to turn it into good.
And that’s the attitude that Paul takes. He prays that God will help the Ephesians to understand how long and high and wide and deep is the love of Christ. He prays that they may grow in wisdom and understanding. In Colossians he prays that they may bear fruit in every good work, and they may know the knowledge and wisdom and will of God.
Aren’t those things more important?
You see, if we understand how much God loves us; if we grow in understanding; if we bear fruit; if we grow in unity and love–then no matter what happens to us, we’ll be fine.
But if we concentrate our prayers on good things happening, then we not only lose out on opportunities to grow; we also leave ourselves unprepared with bad things do happen.
Instead of praying for blessing, let's pray to understand God's love. Then nothing can hurt us.
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And the same goes with prayers for our children. Are you consumed for praying for their safety? Are you constantly praying that God will give them good lives? Why not pray, instead, that they may grow in wisdom and understanding? Because if they do that, and if they understand how much God loves them, they’ll be fine. They’ll soar. They’ll fly. No matter the circumstances.
When we worry about circumstances, we become slaves to this life. When we concentrate on God, we actually become free. So stop praying for your own safety and happiness and well-being, and pray for your heart. Of course, there’s nothing wrong with asking God for safety, but if this is the predominant prayer, you have a problem. Your soul is worth so much more; ask God to nourish it this weekend!
What’s #1 at To Love, Honor and Vacuum?
This week we look at our #1’s and #2’s! It’s all about family/kids and thoughts about sex, check it out!
#1 NEW Post on the Blog: A Rant About The Foster Care System
#1 on the Blog Overall: Top 10 Tips For Initiating Sex With Your Husband
#2 from Facebook: When Christians Make It Sound Like Sex Is Only “For Him”
#2 from Pinterest: Why Do Teenagers Rebel? Thoughts From A 19-Year-Old Who Didn’t
I’m Exhausted
Really, truly tired. Moving my mom this week was a BIG enterprise! I’m excited, though, because I think we’re going to be able to set her up really nicely and get her really organized. That’s my plan for most of today and for most of this weekend.
Then on Tuesday Keith and I are heading to Ottawa with a bunch of her nice furniture that doesn’t fit to drop off with my oldest daughter and her husband, and then we’re going to Ikea to buy some furniture for our new sitting room (we’ve turned one of the bedrooms into a sitting room for Keith and me so we can hang out in private at night without having to be in the living room). I’ve never furnished a room from scratch at all. I’ve always just mixed and matched from pieces we’ve already had. So this is exciting. But I’m also really looking forward to it being done!
My Next Project: Video for my Bible Study on 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage
Are you looking for a great Bible study for your women’s small group this fall? I’ve just finished writing one for my book 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage, and over the next few weeks I’m going to film some short videos to go along with the study. It will all be free to download this year!
So stay tuned. It will be ready to go by around August 20 (at least that’s the plan!).
The best way to be notified is to make sure you’re signed up for my marriage newsletter. Thanks, everybody!
Katie Turned 19 This Week
I don’t know why but it hit me hard–harder than turning 18. I think it’s because she’s been moved out for a year (though she’s home for the summer; I think it’s the free food!). I’m feeling the reality of having my kids grown up. And 19 means that I only have one more year of having a teenager.
She asked her YouTube fans to send her the WORST screenshots they could of her using her videos, and they’re pretty funny. She retweeted some of them for you to see here.
July 28, 2016
How Can You Tell if the Guy You’re Dating Has Good Character?
I want to tackle that today, but first an update on my mom’s move into our house.
In less than 4 hours my mom has to turn the keys over to the new owner of her home, and we’re all a little overwhelmed. We were doing so well at organizing her stuff–I made it a rule that if a box came into my house, it had to be unpacked and we had to find a place for things or they had to be given away. And it was working! But then yesterday hit, the last day, when we just needed to get those last bits and pieces out of the house. And there were a LOT of bits and pieces (there always are). So we just stuck them all in my front room.
So we still have a lot of work ahead of us!
I thought, then, that I’d leave this open as a post where I don’t say a lot but you all can comment. So let me start the story.
About a week and a half ago I sent out an email to most people on my email list asking about ONE thing that I should focus on this fall–I wanted to figure out what people are actually interested in hearing about, to make sure that what I write about actually meets a need. We (my assistant Tammy and I) were overwhelmed at the response, and Tammy’s been making up a spreadsheet and trying to keep track of all the replies!
(If you’re not on my list yet but you’d like to get emails like this, sign up here!)
But I got one that was simply a question, and she asked me to ask you all your opinion.
Let’s do it!
Here’s a woman who was once engaged but later found out that the guy was really into porn and was a little bit of a sleaze. (Sorry if that’s harsh). She doesn’t want to make that mistake again. She asks,
In your previous posts, preparing for marriage, you said Character trumps it all. That people don’t just turn bad. Was wondering if you could put up a post on tips and how to discern the character within the shortest possible time to avoid wasting ages or worse still marry someone with hidden sins. For example, I’ve realized if you jump out first and start telling a guy who is really bent in marrying you that you’re a practising Christian with certain standards, they immediately start acting out like Christians but if you’re neutral and just watching him without making all those statements yet not compromising your standard he’s more likely to act out certain things earlier because he doesn’t know what you expect. That way I can run early enough. Was wondering if you could put up a blog post so everyone could make a comment.
GREAT question.
Let me take a stab with a few thoughts, and then I need to start unpacking.
How can you tell if the guy you're dating is REALLY a Christian? Some thoughts:
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Don’t Date. Do Life.
Dating is so fake. Anyone can look good when they go out to dinner and a movie. Do life together instead! Go to your small group Bible study together. Read books in the same room and hang out together. Meet his friends and do the things he normally does, and have him hang out with your friends and do the things you normally do.
And DEFINITELY tell him you’re a Christian.
You can’t really fake it. Not really. If you’re in a Bible study and he has nothing to say; if he doesn’t want to pray; if you’re talking to him about a spiritual struggle you’re having experiencing God’s acceptance and he can’t talk it out with you–then that’s a huge red flag that he’s the wrong guy.
Christianity is not about going to church on Sunday. It’s about prayer and wrestling with God and serving God CONSTANTLY. Whatever you’re doing, God is first and foremost on your mind. So if you’re living that out, it should be obvious if he’s not. If he can’t bring God into a conversation, even when you do, or express an opinion or give another perspective, then his faith is shallow.
This isn’t about how long you’ve been a Christian, either. It’s about whether you really have a relationship with God.
My daughter married a new Christian, and they talked about God all the time. It’s not about how long you’ve been a Christian (she knew the Bible a TON better than he did); it’s about whether God is on your mind. God was on Connor’s mind because Connor was thinking and praying, and that showed, even if his faith was not as old as Rebecca’s.
I often tell people when they meet someone through an online dating service and that person says they’re a Christian, just ask–“what has God been teaching you lately?” or “what has God been speaking to you about lately?” And if they give a short answer, keep the conversation going and ask them to elaborate. If they can’t have a conversation about that, then the faith isn’t real.
If your boyfriend can't answer 'what's God been teaching you lately?', he's not really Christian.
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So that’s my input. I’d love for you all to leave yours for this woman! How can you tell if a guy has good character? Let’s talk in the comments!
(And lately God’s been speaking to me about having too much stuff and needing to be a good steward of what He has given me. So I’m going to go purge more now!)
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July 27, 2016
Who Do You Turn To When Loneliness Rocks Your Marriage?
I’m in Countdown -24 hours mode, where my mom has to turn over the keys to her house in 24 hours and there’s still stuff to move. So I’m going to head over there and help her, and I’m so delighted to have Tiffany Godfrey join us today to issue a warning about how we deal with loneliness in marriage–do we turn to Jesus, or do we start thinking that life would be better with someone other than our spouse?
Here’s Tiffany:
A Romantic Date Night Turned Sour
I want you to picture yourself on a romantic evening with your husband.
You’re on a boat in a lake. The sun is setting and the sky is a beautiful majestic purple.
Your husband rows you out into the middle of the lake. The two of you have been laughing and talking all day. You’re eating your favorite dinner and you’re enjoying your favorite love music. He even gives you that beautiful diamond bracelet you’ve been talking about all year.
It’s been, well… a romantic evening.
You feel good, you’re starting to feel tingly, and this puts you in the mood to make love.
It’s something you haven’t done in a while, but because your husband has showered you with so much love, communication, and that new bracelet, you can’t resist him.
But suddenly you and your husband have an over something minor—of all things, one of your kid’s report cards!
It started as a light disagreement.
But then, he pushes your buttons and then you say some things to totally insult him. You’re angry and the last thing you want to do is apologize, so you don’t. And the thought of sex now sounds repulsive because you no longer feel loved. You feel rejected, alone, and distant from your husband.
Was fighting really worth it after all of the wonderful things you did and said to one another on this night?
Instead of responding to your harsh words, your husband swims off, leaving you in the middle of the lake by yourself without telling you where he’s going or when he’ll be back.
You’re so far out in the lake that you can’t even see the shore anymore.
He swims off with the oars and to top it all off, you can’t swim!
“Rescue Me!”
How does this make you feel? Lonely, rejected, shut out of your husband’s life?
I’ve been through this mental battle many times with my husband.
Often times we’ve had disagreements and arguments, both over trivial and major things in our marriage.
At times we would talk it out, but at other times we would become distant from one another.
While my husband would get hurt and frustrated over some of my actions, I don’t think he could ever understand the pain and loneliness I felt when he’d shut down and refused to talk to me about our problems.
I felt like I was alone and needed to be rescued.
I felt vulnerable and ostracized from my husband. And the sad thing was that in my mind, there were a ton of other men sitting in other boats on my lake of heartache, just waiting to get into my boat.
In other words, I would feel like cheating…at least in my mind!
Have you ever felt this way?
What Choice Will You Make in the Middle of Loneliness?
When you feel lonely and stuck in your marriage, you have one of two choices at this point.
1) You can entertain one or more of the other men in the boats of your mind by allowing them to get into your boat. Another word for this is adultery.
There are three types of adultery.
One type is physical adultery. In most cases a married woman will not cheat physically on her husband initially. Something has led to this type of action.
Women are emotionally stimulated. And when they don’t feel loved by their husbands, at times they will seek out affection and validation from other men, even it’s only in their minds.
Mental adultery occurs when a woman constantly fantasizes about being with another man. She blocks her husband from her thoughts and replaces him with the “man of her dreams” (as she imagines).
Mental adultery could involve thinking about something as innocent as holding hands and walking on the beach with another man. Or it could be as racy as imagining that you are having sexual intercourse with this man. In fact, some women have been guilty of thinking about the “other man” when they are actually having intercourse with her husbands!
I have been guilty of mental adultery.
Earlier in our marriage when I became frustrated with my husband, my mind would often wander…
I’d think about how wonderful it was to be with another man and doing this would take me away from the reality of my broken marriage…at least for a while.
Some women who struggle with mental adultery try to justify their actions by saying, “Well, I’m not sleeping with the man I’m thinking about so it’s not that bad, right?”
Wrong!
Anytime you replace your husband with someone else even in your mind, you are guilty of adultery which of course is sin.
And mental adultery can often lead to the next type: emotional adultery.
Emotional adultery occurs when you begin sharing your heart with another man. You spend time with this man in an inappropriate way. Whenever you begin sharing intimate details of yourself about your goals, feelings, and your marriage, you are setting yourself up to commit adultery.
This could include a:
Co-worker
Family friend
Member at your church
Even the mail man!
In addition to talking emotional adultery can also include touching, kissing, caressing, and even gazing into one another’s eyes.
These are all things that should occur between a man and women only within the confines of the marriage relationship because it can ultimately lead to sexual activity. And this can lead to a broken marriage, broken hearts, and ultimately a divorce.
While I didn’t commit physical adultery, I realized that my mental adultery was just as damaging to my marriage. And if I didn’t stop, it would lead me to commit the other types of adultery as well.
But thank God there is another option when you feel alone in that boat. I eventually learned how to take this next option.
2) Remember there is someone else in that boat with you: Jesus Christ.
You can reach out to Jesus by talking to Him and telling Him how you feel. He already knows what you’re going through because He was in the boat even before the argument with your husband started.
In fact, He knew you would have an argument!
When you turn to Jesus, He will listen and talk with you.
How Childhood Triggers Affect our Thought Life
There have been many times when I’ve reached out to Jesus and He would respond and show me some things about myself that I needed help in.
In fact, it wasn’t until many years that I realized that the reason why I felt so lonely when Dexter and I had arguments. I struggled with an issue of abandonment from my childhood.
As a child I was often teased, bullied and ostracized by my peers and so-called friends. This happened from pre-school all the way until high school. This often left me feeling lonely, angry, rejected, and distrusting of others. This anger and bitterness, and unforgiveness stuck with me for many years.
And as a result, these emotions played a large part in the downfall of many of my relationships, (even as a Christian), until I made a decision to give my pain to Jesus.
This wasn’t an overnight process. I often felt like the victim because I felt mistreated, and I didn’t learn how to build strong relationships until I was much older.
The Voice of Truth vs. The Voices of Your Past: Whose Voice Shouts Louder?
On my journey toward healing, there were a lot of tears, anger, and playing the blame game within my marriage.
But as I began to reach out to Jesus I allowed Him to tell me who I was instead of listening to the voices of my past. I realized that my husband wasn’t my enemy. And I realized that even though he went silent at times when we disagreed on something, it didn’t mean he stopped loving me. He just needed some space and time to process his thoughts.
For so many women emotions can cause them to feel lonely and ultimately make mistakes and decisions that could hinder their marriage relationship.
It’s so important for us as women to learn who God says we are, instead of listening to the negative voices from your past.
For you it may have been bullying. It may have been an absentee father or an abusive ex-boyfriend or ex-husband. But don’t allow the people of your past to define you and dictate how your life will be today.
Remember that Jesus is in the boat of your heart, and He is waiting for you to turn to Him to receive the love and validation that only He alone can give you. He will never leave you or forsake you, no matter what you do or say.
When you feel like you’re alone, always remember that Jesus is there with His hand stretched wide waiting for you to grab it and open your heart to Him.
Just take time to reach out to Him.
Tiffany Godfrey is a relationship coach for women who offers relationship coaching tools to help women grow in their marriages. She is also the author of numerous books and articles including, The Top 12 Mistakes Married Women Make: And How to Avoid Them! She’s the co-founder of the site: Relationship Missionaries. Learn more about relationship coaching and get a 20-minute coaching session at no cost!
Thanks for that warning, Tiffany, and for your honesty about your own struggles!
Have you found that your past has influenced your decisions about your marriage today–for the worse? Let’s talk in the comments!
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July 26, 2016
A Rant About the Foster Care System
My mom’s moving in with us, and yesterday we moved my mom’s furniture to my house, but there’s still a lot of work to be done at her old house. And in all the work I’ve been doing for the last week I seriously threw my back out. So today’s busy–we have to clean out her kitchen and I have an appointment for a massage or I won’t be able to walk.
I don’t have time to write a post where I’ve done a lot of thinking and made a ton of graphics, etc.
So I’d like to just rant for a few minutes, if that’s okay.
Unfiltered. Unedited. Just me mad. Here goes.
Imagine a child, just over a year old, who is taken into the foster care system along with older siblings.
The biological family has already had several children removed and adopted out. Now the next set is in care.
The baby is severely traumatized. She doesn’t cry or anything. She buries her head into your chest and won’t look at anyone.
She isn’t placed with the older siblings, because the older ones have major behavioural issues and are placed on their own in other homes.
Within a week the baby is crying. She is smiling. She is interacting. Within a month she is happy. She’s actually a lovely, lovely baby. Nothing wrong with her at all. Cute as a button.
She does have six or seven visits a week mandated by Children’s Aid, with mother and father and grandparents and whoever else, all separate, so the foster parents spend their lives chauffeuring the child to visits. Oh, and the older siblings, who are already behind in school, have to go to all these visits, too, even though they’re during school hours. So they fall even further behind.
The mother is a drug addict who has a habit of hooking up with child abusers.
Children’s Aid tries for a year to reunite the children with the mother, but then decides they’re better off adopting the kids out.
They go to court. Court takes forever. Finally, almost two years after the child came into care, she is officially available for adoption.
She is over three years old.
Over the next year Children’s Aid tries to find permanent parents for this child. The problem? They’ve decided to adopt her out with her older siblings, who have those major behavioural problems. The child has been in the same foster home now for almost three years. The older siblings have been moved around because no one can handle them.
If this little girl had been put up for adoption on her own, she’d be snatched up in a heartbeat. But she’s part of a “package”. You can’t take one without the others.
No one is willing to adopt these older siblings, and so she languishes.
Meanwhile, Children’s Aid demands that all the siblings get together frequently on visits. Every time she is with her older siblings she regresses and has terrible behaviours–likely because the older siblings trigger an emotional reaction in her that reminds her of her biological home. There is no bond, but Children’s Aid wants to create one so that they can be adopted out.
The foster parents are told to prepare her for adoption, so they talk up the fact that soon she will have a “forever mommy and daddy”! But this little child has now been in this house for over three years. This is all she has ever known. She is completely and totally bonded. So she starts acting out because she’s panicking. Why does she have to leave? Why can’t she stay?
“You’ve the best mommy ever. I only want you,” she says, everyday, to her foster mother.
The foster parents simply cannot adopt her.
They just can’t. First, they can’t take the older siblings. But for other reasons it absolutely wouldn’t work. They love her, but they aren’t the home for her.
And I’m watching this situation, and I’m thinking, “I am a taxpayer in Ontario. And because of that, I am the one who is doing this to this little girl. She is being put through this because of our government and our laws. I am responsible.”
And I weep.
Because, if common sense were involved, the courts would have said, “Mom has already lost other kids to adoption. Let’s expedite this matter and get it figured out in two months.”
Then they would have said, “Okay, let’s put her up for adoption by herself, because she isn’t bonded to the others and she has a chance. She’s just a baby. And she’s adorable.”
And by 18 months old she could have had a forever home, instead of waiting for three more years.
She’s been in this foster family for 75% of her life. She’s traumatized all over again. When she does finally move, the trauma will be worse than if her parents died suddenly in a car accident, because she’s going to lose everything she’s ever known and everything she’s bonded to, but she’s going to know that it’s because they didn’t want her (and they honestly can’t take her. It’s the right decision. I can’t explain why because of privacy reasons, but trust me on this one).
Why does this happen? Why can’t the system just put kids up for adoption sooner? And why do they have to put siblings together? They say that it’s because siblings need each other, but these kids aren’t bonded. And if an adoption falls apart (which so many do), the kids are basically unadoptable and are in care their whole life.
Adoptions fall apart because the system doesn’t move fast enough.
Those older siblings with behavioural problems? They were in care as babies, too, but they were sent back home. If they had been put up for adoption as babies, none of this would be happening.
This little girl could have been adopted out at 18 months old. She could have been in a forever family while she was still a baby. But she wasn’t. The mom was given a year. The court case then took a year. And the adoption process is taking longer than a year, with no family in sight. And now she gets older and older and more and more bonded and more and more traumatized and it’s just a mess.
This is our fault, citizens of Ontario. And I’m sure in other jurisdictions it’s just about the same.
And the mom in this case? She grew up in foster care, too.
And if SHE had been adopted out as a baby, the first time SHE was apprehended, this wouldn’t have happened, either.
So many kids are apprehended as babies when they are sweet and lovely and not messed up yet, and then they are sent home. By the time they’re finally up for adoption the behaviour problems are so huge, and often the physical damage is so huge, that it’s just too hard to place them.
And so they get shuffled from home to home and finally to group homes until they end up having babies at 16, too.
Ontario has a law that a kid can only be in care for a year before a permanent plan is made. But no one takes into account how long that permanent plan takes to actually get implemented.
We need to change it. Babies need to be freed up for adoption so much faster.
Because how can you look a little girl in the eye who thinks that you’re her mom and dad and tell her, “one day you’ll be leaving us,” and not have something break inside of you? How can you do that? And why in the world do we think that’s okay?
Thank you for letting me rant. Please say a prayer that a miracle will happen and a family that can handle them all well will appear. In my human eyes, I don’t see how this is possible. But I know that God can do anything, and that God is watching over this little girl. She loves praying! She even prays in church during the children’s time. She always grabs the microphone. She’s adorable. God sees her. Please pray for, too.
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July 25, 2016
What Do You Do When Your Teen Gets Mouthy?
Every parent wants a great relationship with their kids, but sometimes that seems really out of reach.
I’m reminded again today how important it is. Right now, as you’re reading this, moving vans are arriving to move my mom into our house. It’s going to work out well, I think (I hope!), but one reason is because I do have a great relationship with my mom.
And since I’m still frantically moving stuff and packing, I invited my friend Nina Roesner, author of the new book With All Due Respect, to share with us today about how to handle mouthy teens.
Here’s Nina:
Are you experiencing the chaos of parenting tweens or teens? Do they wear you out with their sarcastic sense of humor? Do you struggle with these wonderful people who swing from wanting hugs to melting down over seemingly “small” things? And did I mention this “swing” was like 5 minutes later?
Me too.
It’s tough to navigate these waters. I’m really honored to be sharing on To Love, Honor and Vacuum! Sheila Wray Gregoire is a complete boss, but you already know that, don’t you? I’m glad to be guest-blogging for her today. My co-author, Deb, and I are really communication coaches. We help spouses, parents, and leaders in any realm develop deeper relationships with others by learning to communicate differently. We find that most people don’t know that conflict can be stopped BEFORE it starts – and we LOVE talking about that! This story shares a few of those tips and is from our new book, With All Due Respect: 40 days to a more fulfilling relationship with your teens & tweens (Thomas Nelson, 2016). I’ll be chiming in now and again today in the comments! Stay tuned til the end and we’ll tell you how to grab MORE parenting tips and get a free signed copy of the book!
Dare 5: Be Careful with Your Words
But what comes out of the mouth proceeds from the heart, and this defiles a person. For out of the heart come evil thoughts, murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false witness, slander.”
—Matthew 15:18–19 esv
Sharise walked into the hallway and said to her daughter, Amanda, “Baby, you’ll need to do the stairs. There’s dog hair on them.”
This was after Amanda had already put the vacuum away, thinking she was done with her daily chore. Sharise expected to hear, “I know!” escape from her daughter’s lips. Maybe she’d get a complimentary eye-roll too.
But the words that came forth from Amanda’s lips completely surprised and delighted her mom. “You are so right!”
Sharise smiled. Several days before, she and Amanda had discussed the use of the phrase “I know.” Sharise had explained to her tween that she had caught herself being disrespectful to her daughter by using that phrase when Amanda reminded her of an upcoming event that she needed Sharise to drive her to. She admitted she should have said, “You are right!” instead of quipping, “I know!” and then apologized for being snarky to her daughter, promising to try to communicate more respectfully in the future. She explained to Amanda that she had not treated her as if she was precious to her or to God and that she had confessed and asked God to forgive her as well.
In that moment, Sharise put a little dare together for both of them. “I know I’ve modeled the wrong thing for you, Amanda, but I’d like you to know you do this too. I’m guessing we both know how it makes us feel. I need to work on this one, and so do you. Want to do it together?”
Amanda smiled. “I think you’re right, Mom,” she replied. “I would like to work on this with you.”
Bottom line: Ditch the sarcasm. Your kids will feel more respected, and in turn they’ll treat you with more respect.
If your teens are getting mouthy, maybe it's time for YOU to ditch the sarcasm. A Dare:
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We often focus on getting and sometimes demanding respect from our children. But how often do we examine our own behavior to determine whether we are treating our children with respect? Just as with every other aspect of parenting, kids model what they see. Sometimes it’s the simple phrases or the small actions that speak the loudest. Ask God help you be more respectful to your kids. Say, “You are right!” instead of, “I know!” and admit your own mistakes.
The good news is that a change in behavior often leads to a change in the heart, and it usually works the other way around too. If you are choosing to follow Christ, He’ll transform your heart.
What About You?
Think of the last time your tween or teen exasperated you over a small thing. How did you respond? If you did not respond gently, confess your sin to God and ask for forgiveness. Know He has forgiven you, and receive that forgiveness.
How freely do you admit when you are wrong? How does this humble attitude model respect for your child?
How does the thought of admitting wrongdoing or fault to your child make you feel? Ask God to reveal any issues with a desire to control, pride, or fear to you, and ask Him to grow you in these areas.
Apologize to your child for the way you have treated her, and be specific. Promise to try to do better (and then do so!), and ask her to forgive you. If it is a deeply ingrained habit, you might even consider being vulnerable enough to ask your child to help you grow in this area by saying, “Ouch!” when you respond this way to her.
Are your responses to your child ones that indicate arrogance? How often are you sarcastic or prideful in your responses? Instead of retorting with sarcasm or an “I know!” say, “You are right.”
Again, this story is from our new book, With All Due Respect: 40 days to a more fulfilling relationship with your teens & tweens (Thomas Nelson, 2016) The book has a devotional experience in that there is a prayer that goes with these. I look forward to visiting with you today! See you in the comment section! You can sign up for more parenting tips on our website, at www.GreaterImpact.org . We have a limited speaking schedule, but you can check out opportunities on our website, also.
Want more on dealing with this age group? Debbie blogs all things parenting on her website at www.DebbieHitchcock.com and you can find other marriage and family communication at www.NinaRoesner.com We’re giving a signed copy of the book away to the 427th person who signs up today for more marriage or parenting tips!
What are YOUR thoughts on the dare?
Sheila says: Love this, Nina, and I’m excited to share another practical dare with you from With All Due Respect soon! I do find that teens often are sarcastic or talk back without necessarily meaning to. Sometimes when my girls were younger I just had to remind them that I had feelings, too.
So let’s talk in the comments: How can you change the dynamics of conversation in your house–perhaps if your husband also verges on sarcastic? I come from a sarcastic family, and we’ve really been convicted that we have to stop that pattern. What about you?
The post What Do You Do When Your Teen Gets Mouthy? appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.
July 22, 2016
What Do You Do If You Each Have a Different Vision?
That’s what I want to talk about today. As my longtime readers know, I’m quite passionate about couples arriving at consensus about difficult decisions. I don’t believe that submission means that the husband makes all the decisions. As I said in 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage, if you go along with what he thinks, there are only two options: either one of you isn’t hearing God or both of you aren’t hearing God.
Nevertheless, finding agreement can still be REALLY hard. That wrestling things out with God and with each other often takes real time and struggle. And so when I read this great post from Darby Dugger I wanted to share it for my marriage moment, because it’s all about living in that difficult middle when you’re not in agreement and you don’t share a vision–and you try to stay close anyway.
Here’s Darby:
Sheila’s Marriage Moment: When You Don’t Share a Vision with Your Husband
That is where I have been for the past year. My husband and I have had many difficult conversations regarding the topics of school choices for our children and “family planning.” The hardest part of these discussions has been that we can’t reach an agreement.
We have a difference of opinion because we each have our own vision.
I am thankful that my husband follows the Lord! I know that Jason is seeking God’s guidance and trying to put away his own flesh as he leads our family. I realize the caliber of man Jason is, in and of itself, is a gift which I certainly don’t want to take it for granted. Yet, that doesn’t make submission to his decisions any easier when I strongly feel they contradict the desires of my heart and the purposes (I believe) God designed me for.
We have gone round and round. Discussed and Discussed. Prayed and Prayed.
Even though, as I write this, we have reached a point of mutual compromise (simply to “let go and let God”); I still am concerned that, overall, we have conflicting visions.
I am confident that the Lord desires unity in marriage. I am equally as confident that the seed of division, between a man and his wife, is planted by Satan. I trust God’s character enough to know that He won’t tell Jason one thing and me another. He won’t send us off into different directions.
I was encouraged on Sunday night when my husband shared Jeremiah 32:39 with me, “I will give them singleness of heart and action, so that they will always fear me and that all will then go well for them and for their children after them.” What a wonderful verse for us to pray together!
If I am willing to lay down my own ideals and pray for the Lord to give us a “singleness of heart and action” then, over time, our two visions will become a singular one. God will come through (and teach us so much along the way).
My advice to a wife whose vision differs from her husband’s? While remaining submissive to the Lord and to her husband, pray Jeremiah 32:39 over her heart and her marriage! In answering, the Lord might move the husband… He might move the wife… most likely He will move both!
Do you and your husband have a singleness of heart? If you do, it will go well for you and your children! What a mighty promise to cling to!
Sheila says: if you’re having trouble finding a common vision with your husband, I have some printables that you can use with him to start that conversation! Get your vision printables here.
What’s #1 at To Love, Honor and Vacuum?
Let’s look at some new Top posts this week that haven’t been on the list in a while! What do you do when you’re not getting what you want?
#1 NEW Post on the Blog: What If You Divorced For The Wrong Reasons?
#4 on the Blog Overall: 50 Most Important Scripture Verses To Memorize
#2 from Facebook: Top 10 Ways To Tell Your Husband What You Want In Bed
#4 from Pinterest: 29 Days TO Great Sex Day 14: When You Don’t Want To Make Love
What a Busy Week!
I’m back from vacation as of last Saturday, and I’m still waking up at 5:30 am. I’m not over the time difference from Europe, but it’s amazing how much you can get done before 8:00 in the morning. Maybe I’ll try to keep to this schedule!
But it’s not jetlag that’s been busy. It’s that my mom moves in on Monday. So I’m desperately organizing and throwing things out and making more room in cupboards. It’s going to be a bit of a chaotic transition, but it will be a good one.
Anyone have any tips for how to downsize or declutter? Let me know in the comments!
I Had a Great Moment in Church Last Week
My husband and I visited a new church last week, one little city over from where we live. As I was sitting in the pew, I had this thought: the problem with going to a new church is that not a soul knows you, so nobody’s expecting you to be there. There’s not the same accountability. And right as I thought that, a woman leaned over to me and whispered, “I just want to tell you that I love your Friday emails so much. They’ve helped my marriage incredibly!”
That was neat. It was like God was saying, “I see you, and I know you, and others do, too.”
Anyway, I just wanted to let you all know that every Friday I do send out a newsletter with my marriage moment, and then links to all the new posts on the blog this week PLUS links to other posts that are really popular on the blog. So if you don’t want to miss anything, sign up for the Friday newsletter! And, of course, you can also sign up for my daily emails where you get every blog post in your inbox. Just head on over here to see your options.
Sign up for To Love, Honor and Vacuum’s emails.
I’m going to go pack some more now, but I hope you all have a great weekend.
The post What Do You Do If You Each Have a Different Vision? appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.
July 21, 2016
Forgiving My Dad: Reestablishing a Relationship After Years of Separation
And many of us have virtually no relationship with our dad–because we’ve decided that it’s better that way.
There’s no doubt that sometimes it is–when there’s abuse or addictions involved, for instance. But let me tell you the story of someone that I know. Her parents divorced, and this teenage girl was “best friends” with her mom already. So the more her mom talked about how awful her dad was, the more the girl believed it, to the point that she hasn’t spoken to her dad in almost 10 years (she’s a young adult now). Her siblings, who were much younger, still have a great relationship with their dad, even spending more than 50% of their time with him. But she just doesn’t speak to him at all.
And I watch this girl, and I think, “you may believe that your life is fine now, but one day that’s going to come back to bite you.”
Just because we choose not to speak to our fathers does not mean that our we’ve cut our dads out of our lives. For better or for worse, your dad is always there, as I have learned with my own rocky relationship with my father. Though he’s not in my life much now, his influence was very present at the beginning of our marriage, and took quite a while to work through.
Just because we choose not to speak to our fathers doesn't mean their influence is gone.
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Kate Tunstall, who blogs at The Less Refined Mind, recently sent me her story, which has so much in common with this young woman I’m worried about. I just love her honesty, and so I want to share it with you today in hopes that it will help some of you come to terms with your past–and your dad–too.
When we side with one parent in a divorce as a child, the decision stalks us as adults.
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Here’s Kate:
I’ve been writing a mini-series about bullying recently, and this has naturally led me to think about forgiveness. It’s a concept I used to struggle with to a destructive degree, not least during an incredibly difficult period of my life when I was estranged from my father.
Parents and children being on bad terms is not the natural order of things, and as far as my own daughter is concerned I simply can’t imagine a scenario where I’d allow that to happen. Losing my child to a disagreement goes against every mothering instinct coursing through my veins.
I’ve never written about the situation with my dad before, because it’s extremely emotive and I’m wary of stirring up strong feelings – but I’ve recently become aware of the prevalence of this phenomenon. And though heartbreakingly it may not always be possible, I’m willing to bet that in 99% of cases a harmonious relationship would be the ideal for both parties. So though it may be controversial I want to share a story with a positive outcome.
My parents divorced when I was seven and I found it very traumatic.
Sure, families splinter every day. And of course many are in far worse situations than I ever was. But I was young and the circumstances were such that I was left believing my dad was a monster. My parent’s divorce was acrimonious, and my siblings and I bore the brunt.
Years later, I had an epiphany following a comment my brother made about how our mother had (unintentionally) indoctrinated us against our father. I think perhaps that was the beginning of me opening my eyes to what had cleaved my dad and I apart for five long years.
Throughout my teenage years there had been a definite tension between us, which with hindsight I attribute in part to my mother’s subtle but incessant barbs. I wish I could have been stronger, but I remind myself I was little more than a child at the time. My father’s undeniable flaws did not help matters, and between us we cultivated distance and resentment.
It was then more than ever I needed my dad, but something I’ll never fully understand took place which motivated him to cut all contact. Initially I made attempts to reach out to him, but after my third effort I gave up and instead began focussing my energies on convincing myself I hated him.
My mum and I did a pretty good job of turning the diminutive frame of my dad into a caricature closely resembling a tyrant.
And while I by no means condone some of the terrible things my dad did to my mum, as an adult I now accept I know little of what truly took place, having only heard my mum’s (very likely distorted version) of events.
Being alienated from a parent left me bereft, the devastation similar to that experienced in a bereavement. Except worse, because I’d been actively banished. Growing up, I worshipped my dad: he was my hero, so when he chose to sever contact it tore me up.
Without question, the most difficult aspect was that my father maintained a relationship with my brothers. I’ll never forget him telling me that there are only two people in life you can ever truly trust, and they are your parents. Knowing the value he placed on family and then having him turn his back on me while continuing to see my siblings was the ultimate rejection.
I was left overwhelmed with debilitating issues: insecurity; anxiety; lack of confidence; paranoia; low self-esteem; depression. And an unhealthy preoccupation with seeking the approval of others. Basically, all the wonderful traits that add up to somebody most people would choose not to associate with. I know this well because last year I suffered a set-back and I’m painfully aware that it can be blamed in part for destroying some burgeoning friendships. (The sad irony is that anyone in such angst is in desperate need of support. The positive I take from this is that it takes one to know one: I’m often able to perceive and recognise the signs, and offer that support to others.)
One of the physical manifestations of my distress was harrowing nightmares. I became terrified of sleep and drank to avoid them. At the time I was also living alone and I lost count of the times I woke up slick with sweat, my heart racing, unable to move.
Of course alcohol is a depressant, and it did little to help me – not only in the form of hangovers but in the longer-term too. I became irresponsible in so many ways I’m ashamed of; ways I’m too mortified to share even now. But I eventually pulled myself away from that lifestyle by moving to a new city and spending a year teetotal.
However, despite beginning to turn my life around, the separation with my dad continued.
My brothers tried to discuss it with me and I would generally shut them down – it was just too painful to face the truth: I was stricken and desperately unhappy. The easier option was to compress my grief into little hard pellets of bile, which would invariably be spat out disguised as anger and resentment. I’m sure I must have been very difficult to be around.
The worst time was Christmas. I’d be forced to wave my brothers off to spend a couple of days with our dad. I pretended not to care, but it always stung. Wearing a brave face physically hurts.
During one of these Christmas visits my little brother took my father for a walk and forced him to listen to a lecture. He told my dad he’d ruined my life, which may sound like a ridiculous exaggeration, but was actually quite insightful. He also told my dad I was getting married the following year and that if we didn’t resolve our differences then he’d miss my wedding.
He made my dad cry like a baby, apparently. And then my brother returned to my mum’s house and did the same to me.
It took until the following Easter to finally wear both of us down. But after five miserable years my father and I arranged to meet. I was immediately impressed that he agreed for my husband to chaperone me, because there’s no way on earth I’d have gone alone.
My dad didn’t recognise me.
That was a wake-up call to the length of time that had passed, and it wounded. It was a very awkward meeting, but we’d taken that first step. Six months later my dad attended my wedding. I didn’t have him give me away or make a speech, but I don’t think he ever really expected those things, and I was simply grateful he was there and we were working on fixing our relationship.
Sadly, the fact my dad was at my wedding meant my mum’s sister and her family refused to be. Which brings us neatly back to the whole point of this post: forgiveness.
I used to be under the misapprehension that forgiveness is the same as absolution. But I’m more comfortable with another – arguably less noble – meaning:
To cease to feel resentment against.
Essentially, forgiving my dad means I’m actively choosing peace and contentment.
I don’t want bitterness and anguish to blight my future, so I now make a conscious effort in all relationships to forgive and move on. Clinging on to old resentments achieves nothing; it simply sucks the joy out of life for you and those around you.
With the benefit of hindsight I believe what ultimately drove us apart were my dad’s own insecurities, borne of when his father left the family home.
Sadly there was never an opportunity for them to make amends or discuss the reasons before my grandfather died. His legacy to my dad was to leave him damaged in much the same way I was damaged by our issues. During our estrangement this served only to enrage me (how could my dad allow history to repeat itself when he knew how it felt?); but on reflection I can see how it would have compelled him to protect his feelings at all costs – even if it meant rejecting me before I could reject him.
Our history is a very poignant example of how misunderstandings and a refusal to forgive can ruin lives. It’s so pointless and avoidable. And I’m so glad my tenacious little brother helped to end the cycle with us.
Forgiving my dad was difficult; forgiveness is always difficult. It means putting compassion (and common sense!) above pride. But I consider it an ongoing, aspirational form of mindfulness, and mastering it will only improve your well-being.
Kate can be found at The Less-Refined Mind, blogging about motherhood, marriage, and all manner of mischief. Sometimes caustic – but always candid – Kate loves a provocative subject matter almost as much as she loves (good) coffee and (great) cake. Join the mischief on Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, and Pinterest.
Did you have a rocky relationship with your dad? Did you ever repair it? Let’s talk in the comments!
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