Sheila Wray Gregoire's Blog, page 154

To the Woman Who Divorced for the Wrong Reasons: What Now?

Did you divorce for the wrong reasons?

Yesterday I wrote a post on how often women justify leaving unhappy marriages by claiming that the guy was abusive when it was just that they didn’t really care for each other’s hearts well. And I showed the difference between what divorcing looks like when it’s justified and when it’s just a woman trying to find her freedom.

Some people commented that it was judgmental; wouldn’t it be better to write in the theoretical–here’s how not to divorce for the wrong reasons? I understand the criticism, and I have written before on when it’s okay to leave and when you should stay in your marriage. But the main reason I took the approach I did is because I was setting everything up for today’s post: I want to talk to the women who have already separated or divorced, and who now realize that they were not justified–that they were acting selfishly, and that the divorce was wrong.

Please note: This post is NOT intended for people who divorced years ago, are now happily remarried, know they made a mistake, and have experienced God’s grace and healing in their relationship with their kids (and even their ex-husband). God’s already done His work–Yay! This post is really intended for people who have walked out of their marriages recently and who are just now realizing that what they did wasn’t right–and want to know where to turn now.

What do you do now, especially if you’re remarried?

On one of my speaking trips this year I read the book I Do Again by Jeff and Cheryl Scruggs. It’s a story of a couple who got divorced, and then seven years later remarried. Cheryl was the one who asked for the divorce; she later had an affair and was engaged to another man before she realized that she had been wrong. Then she spent years praying for the marriage to be restored, and it finally was. It’s a really good read.

I’m not writing this post, though, to tell you all that you need to get back together with your ex-husband. That may be true, and it may not be true. I have absolutely no idea. But I think that the approach that Cheryl took when she realized that she had made an error was exactly the right one, and it’s what I’m going to recommend to you today. So I’m going to tell you a bit of Cheryl’s story.

When Cheryl and Jeff started dating, it was a whirlwind and it was exciting. But when they married, they had never really learned to communicate. And as they took new jobs and gave up old ones; as they had their twins; as they started to live busy lives–she felt more and more distant from Jeff, because he didn’t know her heart. And because of the fact that he didn’t realize that she was hurting, he thus seemed heartless (although she had never opened up to tell him something was missing, so how could he know?).

She says, “We rarely argued because we simply avoided conflict.”

She goes on,

I wanted to share my dreams with him but thought he’d think they were far-fetched, so I dreamed by myself. I did not even know how he felt about his job or being in Los Angeles or what his childhood family life was like. I had no idea what kind of music he liked, his favorite foods, what thoughts swirled around in his head. We lived a polite type of life, always trying to guess what the other person wanted or needed or thought.

It was a shallow marriage. And after years of that she started to really resent Jeff. So when she met a guy at work that she clicked with, finally it seemed like someone knew her heart.

She ended up leaving the marriage, throwing everyone into a tailspin, simply because she and Jeff had never actually communicated on a deep level. But Jeff was totally heartbroken, because he had never known the extent of her pain, and all of this seemed so sudden. He grew resentful and bitter, even as they both tried to work on raising their twins together.

After they split up, Cheryl pursued the relationship with the other man. But increasingly it felt wrong, and at the same time she joined a church. She started hearing what God wanted for marriage, and heard concepts about communication that she had never known. She felt torn by all this confusion, and sought out a Christian counselor, who listened to her whole tale about wanting to understand what God really wanted for her life and how her marriage had gotten so messed up. The counselor told her:

I have to be honest with you. If you want healing, it’s going to be a lot of work. You’ll need to spend a great deal of time journaling and getting face to face with yourself.

And then he explained what would be involved in their counseling.

Today I want to give you the same challenge:

If you want healing, it’s going to be a lot of work. You’ll need to spend a great deal of time journaling and getting face to face with yourself–and with God.

I can’t tell you what to do about your former marriage. I don’t know what you should do. But God does. And if you’ve done wrong, you need to understand what was wrong, why it was wrong, and you need to see how you can move forward. And you can’t do that unless you’re also listening to God.

To the woman who divorced for the wrong reasons: Here's a radical idea to start healing
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So this is what I recommend:

Take a Self-Imposed Time Out

Cheryl started getting up at 5 in the morning and journaling like crazy. She was able to spend a lot of time on her own because Jeff had joint custody of the girls, and she was on her own during that time (her boyfriend lived in a different city).

You need to hear from God, and that means that you need all distractions out. If it’s possible, here’s what I’d recommend: Get away, by yourself, for a month, if possible. A month to just listen to God. A day won’t do it; a week likely won’t either. You need some serious time of meditation and journalling and listening.

Ask your ex-husband to take the kids for that whole time, and recruit other help if you can. If you’re re-married, tell your current husband that you need some time off, but not because you’re second guessing your marriage (divorcing him is wrong, too, since he’s now your husband!) You just need to figure out how to act right going forward, and how to honor your current wedding vows while also honoring your ex-husband and kids and God. Assure him that it’s not that you want to leave him, but simply that you need to hear from God and make your heart right.

What Should You Do On Your Time Out?

Do you desperately need to hear God about your past decisions? Take a self-imposed time out!
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You obviously may have to go to a job, but try not to do anything else. Turn off the TV. Unplug the internet. Get some Christian music to listen to and some great books to read or some devotionals to read. (I’d recommend I Do Again just to read about how God spoke to Cheryl and what it looked like). And just sit in the silence. Get comfortable with silence.

Here’s what I often do when I’m trying to hear God about something:

I journal what my thoughts are right now and I ask a specific question and write it down, so it’s there in black and white.
I read the book I’m reading and see if it addresses the question.
I read the devotional and the Bible passage and I see how it relates to that question
I journal down anything I’ve read that pertains to it and anything else that comes into my head.

Here’s why I do it in that order: when I write the question down first, then it’s easier to see how God is actually speaking to you. You can’t just say “that’s a coincidence” or dismiss it because your question was there in black and white, and it’s obvious that God is replying.

So what should you ask God? Here’s the order I would use:

1. Ask God to let you see your heart.

Are your motives selfish right now or are you seeking God’s best first and foremost? Be open to see if there is “any wicked way in me.”

2. Ask God to reveal your sin.

Where specifically did you sin? With your husband? With your kids? With someone else? Write those things down, so you can see it in its ugliness and get honest with yourself.

3. Ask God to let you see your children and your ex-husband through His eyes.

How are they being affected by the divorce? Ask God to let you see the areas in their lives where there’s deep pain or where they’re not handling it well.

Ask God to let you see your ex-husband’s heart, too. How did he fare?

4. Ask God to see yourself through your children’s eyes.

That’s a tough one. This takes down all the pretences. How do your kids now perceive you? Are there areas of your life where they can’t talk to you anymore? Let yourself feel that pain.

5. Ask God what real repentance will look like.

Now that you’ve had a chance to be honest about your sin and about how your ex-husband and your kids are faring, ask God what real repentance would look like practically in your life.

Don’t have any preconceived notions. Ask what it means for your relationship with your ex-husband, your current husband, your kids.

You may be thinking, “But wait, Sheila, are you hoping God is going to tell me to leave the guy I’m seeing and get back together with my ex-husband? That’s never going to happen!”

I’m not saying that. I don’t know your situation. But I do know this: you made decisions when you were not right with God, and so now you need to make decisions when you are right with God.

If you made decisions when you weren't right with God, examine them again now that you are.
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Your happiness will not be the main focus of that decision; Repentance, grace and love will be.

It may mean breaking off other relationships you’ve started and deciding to be single for a while to rebuild your relationship with your children.

It may mean rebuilding a relationship with your ex-husband, but it also could be that he isn’t willing to do that. It may mean writing a letter of apology to him and trying your best while raising the kids to show him respect and walk with integrity, even if you don’t always agree with what he does.

It may mean staying with your current husband, but working on building honesty and openness with your kids, where you are willing to accept their anger and hurt and encourage them to speak it. Only then can you ask them to embrace your current husband.

I don’t know what it looks like. But God does. And I believe that if you are honest with yourself, He will start showing you something. Listen to those feelings and promptings.

The hardest thing to do is to face your own heart.

Please don’t rush this process. It will likely take a week or so before you even start to feel like God is speaking to you. You’ll feel like you’re battling, like there’s no one there, like your prayers are hitting the ceiling and nothing else. But keep at it, because as you fight in prayer and labor in prayer, you will find a breakthrough. You will hear God. And He will show you what to do, and how to do it.

The post To the Woman Who Divorced for the Wrong Reasons: What Now? appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

What if You Divorced for the Wrong Reasons?

I hold both of these truths to be self-evident: sometimes women can be verbally and emotionally abused without other people understanding the extent of it, and need to get out of that marriage; and sometimes women claim that they are verbally and emotionally abused when they simply want to leave the marriage.

I have been quite passionate about the first group of women on this blog this year, writing about what submission really means; how to deal with a controlling husband; how we should in the name of God.

But today I am angry about the second group.

I know I’m just back from family vacation, but I thought I’d jump back into it with a bang today and write about something serious–namely women who may have divorced for the wrong reason.

In my personal circles, I know four women who would fall in the first category of having endured verbal and emotional abuse and had to get out of their marriage; and I know four women in the second category who told everyone that their husbands were abusive when all evidence pointed to the contrary, and then left the marriage and pretty much immediately started another relationship.

My heart goes out to the women in the first category. But even more, today, my heart is currently breaking for the children of the women in the second category.

I am thinking of two particular kids right now. These were the most amazing kids I had ever known when they were preteens. They were kind, generous, loved God, had plans for their lives, were hard workers–everything you would want. They impressed the socks off of me.

Then their moms up and left their dads, and their whole world fell apart. And I have watched them slide into alcoholism as teens, and drop out of school, and become so lost.

Research has consistently shown that children do better when parents stay married, even if that marriage is unhappy, than if parents get divorced, UNLESS there is also abuse involved. In that case, the children do better after the divorce.

I have watched moms ruin their kids’ lives, and I am watching another mom do it right this very minute.

And so I would like to start a two part series today to challenge us to see the difference between abusive situations and simply bad marriages. And, especially, I’d like to speak to the women in the second category, many of whom believe that they were justified in leaving, because they have justified it to themselves.

I’m going to compare and contrast the two types of divorces today, and then tomorrow I’m going to offer a radical suggestion to those who believe that they may be in the second camp–that they divorced prematurely, and that their current relationship (or marriage) may not actually be right.

So let’s start and look at the difference between truly abusive marriages and marriages that may not be happy, but that women are trying to justify leaving.

Did you divorce for the wrong reasons? 3 differences between abusive and non-abusive divorces.
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Difference #1: In abusive situations, divorce is often not a huge shock to the kids. In non-abusive situations, it rocks everyone.

Usually when verbal or emotional abuse is present in a relationship, the wife has been trying to hold it together for years. But there have been cracks. The kids have been scared. Everybody has walked on eggshells. The kids’ relationship with their dad has not been close, even if they have had times when everybody is laughing or enjoying themselves (especially on vacations).

They may have spent some time away from home, with aunts or uncles, while Mom “thought about things”, off and on, for years.

While divorce is always a huge change, it isn’t always unexpected.

On the other hand, where there really is no abuse but simply a strained relationship, the kids may know that Dad and Mom aren’t happy, but that’s not the same as feeling unsafe. Divorce often comes straight out of left field.

Let me reiterate this especially, because ALL of the women who claimed emotional abuse where the relationship was simply a bad marriage would see themselves in the first category. The difference is your kids’ perception of their own physical and emotional safety. Just because you felt like your husband was mean to you or that he didn’t understand you does not mean that your kids did not feel safe. Just because your husband may have yelled at you (and you may have yelled back) does not mean that your children felt that their security was threatened.

There is a huge difference between not getting along with someone and having your kids have to walk on eggshells so as not to set them off. And here’s a hint: if  your kids really were unsafe, then you would not trust those same kids to live with their dad now (in the one case I’m thinking of in particular, she is leaving because of “emotional abuse” but she is also giving him main custody).

Difference #2: In abusive situations, the primary caregiver doesn’t change. In non-abusive situations it often does.

In most marriages, Mom is the main source of emotional support for the kids, especially if Dad is gone a lot for work and Mom stays at home, or if there’s a lot of tension in the marriage. Whether the marriage is abusive or not, kids often feel closest to Mom and spend the most time with Mom.

But once the divorce happens, the trajectory looks very different between the two types of divorces.

In abusive situations, Dad often doesn’t see the kids very much after the divorce. Either this is because of a court order, or, more likely, because he doesn’t really want to. Also, older kids often refuse to see him.

In non-abusive situations, on the other hand, Dad is usually totally taken by surprise by the divorce, and desperately wants to keep his family. Courts will usually award him joint custody. The kids have to get used to not always being with their mom. In fact, now Mom has a life outside of the kids that they know nothing about, and they have lives away from Mom that she knows nothing about. No longer is Mom the one person that can be the main emotional support, because she no longer is there for all the emotions. Siblings start to lean on each other rather than parents.

And Mom is often so excited by her new freedom (and often her new relationship) that she becomes a totally different person. She is pursuing her own happiness and contentment away from the kids, where her primary identity, before the divorce, would likely have been her children. This really is a shock to their emotional system.

Difference #3: In most abusive situations during a divorce, Mom’s main focus is the kids. In most non-abusive situations during a divorce, Mom’s main focus is her own happiness.

Be honest with yourself: If you're divorcing, is it for the kids or is it for your own happiness?
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The reason that Mom in an abusive marriage stayed for years was likely the kids. She was so worried about what would happen if she left. How would they handle finances? Would the kids be safer away from Dad?

She’s torn about leaving, and feels guilty.

Therefore, her main concern after the divorce is to make sure her kids are okay. She’ll encourage them to talk about their feelings. She’ll often set up counselling for them where appropriate. She’ll encourage them to spend time with trusted aunts or uncles to have safe people to vent to. She will try to do special things with them, and try to keep routines the same. She will spend most of her emotional energy in creating a new, safe life for her children while also working on her own emotional issues (often with counsellors). She isn’t interested in a romantic relationship with anyone else right now; she just wants everyone to get healthy.

On the other hand, every single one of the women from non-abusive relationships dismissed the kids’ concerns to me. “They’ll be fine,” they’d say. “Kids are resilient.” When the kids start going downhill or acting out, they have no insight that it could be because of what they’ve done. They’ll blame it on dad: “He’s being just like his father,” or “he learned that at his Dad’s house.”

She is often unwilling to talk to the kids about their emotions around the divorce because she feels guilty about it. And so she pretends that everything is fine, and gives the kids the impression that this is what they should believe, too. And so they now cannot talk to their mom about the most important thing in their lives, and thus they lose the most important relationship they’ve ever had.

When she gets a boyfriend (or even a new husband), she expects the kids to embrace him without question. She wants them to be excited about it, and rarely invites honest conversations about it.

In abusive situations or other sorts of divorces that were justified (like repeated infidelity, for instance), when I have seen moms get into new relationships, they have done so slowly. The kids were a big part of the relationship from the start, because the kids and the mom were still a unit. I even knew one couple that was together for six years before they married (and stayed totally celibate during that time) because they didn’t want to force the kids to combine two families. The adults’ main concern was for the children’s well-being, not their own happiness.

What if I’ve really messed up?

Tomorrow I want to talk about what I would advise women who have left non-abusive marriages to do now. If you weren’t justified in divorcing, then what is the next move? Especially if you’re not remarried? What I’m going to say may be radical to some, but I hope that you will all listen.

Please note: NONE of what I said here was meant to denigrate women in abusive marriages. In fact, I believe totally the opposite: abuse is real, and the more that women claim abuse when it really isn’t abuse the more we make it more difficult for those in truly toxic marriages to deal with them appropriately (because we call every instance of disagreement or personality clashes abuse). I am very passionate about the fact that in many Christian circles women in abusive marriages are not given the resources they need. At the same time, though, I am watching too many marriages around me disintegrate because the women have justified it to themselves, and I just thought that side needed to be addressed too.

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Random Thoughts on Family Vacations, Russia, and Ridiculous Family Portraits

I was up this morning at 5:00 a.m–which I guess is better than yesterday’s 2:45 am!

We flew back from Denmark on Saturday and I am so not adjusted to the time change yet.

We had the most amazing family vacation, taking a Baltic cruise together. My mom came with us, along with both of our daughters (Katie, 18, and Rebecca, 21) and Becca’s husband Connor.

(I apologize in advance to everyone reading this through my daily email! I can just imagine what all of these pictures are going to do to the feed. It may be easier for you to come on over to the website and read it there!). 

A Baltic cruise has been on my bucket list for a long time, and we really wanted to invest in a big family vacation this year, so that we could all spend time with Connor and build some family memories that involve him. It’s not super easy incorporating someone else into your family. That doesn’t mean that it’s bad–it’s just that in a way you have to redefine what your family is once a child gets married, so that they feel like they’re totally a part of it and you feel like you’ve found a new normal.

I think we really accomplished that, even if it was raining a lot.

 

Plus we saw St. Petersburg.

Enough said.

Anyway, I thought I’d share some random thoughts from the passing scene.

Russia is Depressing

Okay, first some context. We spent a few days in Copenhagen, Denmark before our cruise, because I just do not do jetlag well, and I wanted to adjust to the time before the cruise started. I LOVED Copenhagen. I could totally live there (if it weren’t so expensive). It was beautiful, it was refreshing, and we had such fun.

One of the first stops on our cruise was St. Petersburg, in Russia (formerly Leningrad). We spent two days there, seeing Catherine’s Palace, St. Isaac’s Cathedral, the Hermitage, Peterhof, and the Church of the Spilled Blood. It was fascinating.

Everything was stunning, if a little overdone. (Our guide explained, “Russian style is basically too much of everything.”)

St. Isaac’s Cathedral
Catherine’s Palace

By the time Day #1 was over, Rebecca’s big conclusion was: “I can totally understand why the peasants revolted in 1917. As I walked through the palace with all the gold and everything, all I was thinking was, “Go peasants!”

And it’s true. The difference between the rich and the poor was just astronomical. It was disgusting, really.

But communism sure didn’t help Russia very much, either.

And here’s what I found most interesting: we stopped in two German cities that were once East German. They had the communist influence, too. And that influence was nowhere to be seen today. There were flowers everywhere and beautiful buildings and the mood was light and happy, if you can say that. Where there were obvious communist buildings, they had painted them and added extra architectural details so that they weren’t plain and boxy anymore.

I was in East Berlin in 1989, just a few months before the wall came down. I remember what the buildings looked like–they were thrown up in a hurry with no thought to aesthetics. They were ugly. The cars were ugly. Everything was grey. There were no flowers. People didn’t speak in the street very much, and they didn’t make eye contact. It was just so startlingly different from West Berlin.

East Germany feels nothing like that now.

There are even flowers growing right beside doorways, right out of the sidewalk!

It’s like they’ve erased communism, and it’s a happy place again.

But in Russia, as we were driving to all these gorgeous palaces, we passed row upon row of ugly apartment buildings and row upon row of buildings that were basically falling down.

The place still looked like a war zone. And it had this pall over the city, like people were still afraid to laugh or be noticed. I guess when you spend 70 years trying not to stick your neck out, it’s hard to start suddenly saying what you think. It was so difficult to get our guides to even admit that Stalin might not have been a great guy, or that parts of Russian history may have been, well, not so hot.

Here’s just one thing that really struck me: In Copenhagen and in Sweden and in Germany almost everyone lives in apartments (or “flats”), and almost everyone puts flowers outside their balconies.

In Russia hardly anyone does. We hardly saw a single flower the whole time.

It reminds me of the parable from Matthew 12:43-45, about a demon being driven from a “house”, but then it comes back a while later and finds it swept clean but empty, so it invites 7 of its friends to come and have a party there. It’s like Russia kicked out communism but hasn’t replaced it with anything good.

But there is some good news: the churches are really growing. So I just encourage you to pray for Russia, when you think of it. It really needs it!

We Had a Major God Moment

As a family we were reading Henri Nouwen’s book The Parable of the Prodigal Son before going to St. Petersburg. It’s a book where he talks about the impact of Rembrandt’s painting of the parable on him, and it is SUCH a profound book about grace. I think I’ll write a post on that later.

Anyway, while at the Hermitage I was so excited to get to see it up close. Of course, we were there with thousands of tourists and only had about 30 seconds in front of the painting before we were pushed on. But it was still a really powerful experience. (That’s my head in the front; that’s as close as I ever got.)

I Met My Finnish Publisher

While in Helsinki we met up with Markus Miettinen from Flame Publishing who is publishing both The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex and 31 Days to Great Sex in Finnish soon! We had a great lunch with Markus and his wife Heidi and they showed us around. So fun!

We Were THAT Family

One of the most memorable parts of the trip, though, was definitely the photographers! On cruise lines they always have people taking pictures of you, and most people pose nicely. Not us. That’s no fun! We like to get real. And so we bought a package where we could keep all the digital photos, and decided to get our money’s worth. We came home with about 300 pictures taken by the photographers, and we got to know some of them so well they were waiting for us at each photo op with new ideas to try!

Of course we posed nicely for some photos.

(By the way, we didn’t plan to color coordinate. We all just got dressed for formal night and realized we were all wearing purple!)

But most of the time we just hammed it up! The girls have a running gag that Katie is touchy feely and is always hugging Becca and she’s always pulling away. We have pics like this when they’re 2 & 4, and 12 & 14, and 16 & 18, and…you get the picture.

So we decided to do another classic family photo pose:

And then thought that we should supplement it with the more modern version:

And they always take pictures when you get off the ship at a port. Why make those boring?

The photographers had such fun with us that they did a PhotoShop shoot one night, and we got a ton of hilarious pictures. Here’s my favourite:

Anyway, it was a wonderful vacation. I unplugged (except for Instagram!) for about two weeks, which I really needed.

Now I’m back home and frantically cleaning out my house because my mom is moving in next week. I’m trying to purge our storage room like crazy. So it’s still a little frantic, but at least I’m recharged, even if I do wake up at 5:30 in the morning.

Right now I’m going to back and read through all your comments for the last few weeks (thanks to Sarah and Cheri for moderating and running the comments section in my absence!) and catch up on emails and then start cleaning again.

I hope you’re all having a wonderful summer, too!

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The Strong, Silent Type Has Feelings, Too

Do you ever wonder if your husband has feelings?

Every Friday I like to run a quick, 400-word Marriage Moment with one thought to take us through the weekend. I’m still enjoying my vacation right now, so I thought I’d run this post from Brittany at God’s My Healer. She’s reminding us that just because your husband may not be overly verbal, it doesn’t mean that he doesn’t have feelings. And some of you likely need to hear this message this weekend!

Sheila’s Marriage Moment: Those Strong, Silent Types Still Have Feelings!

Here’s Brittany:

Lately, I have found myself voicing my frustration about the stage of life we are in. I’ve complained, ranted, become angry…the whole works. And never once, not even one single time did I stop to ponder my man’s heart. I just assumed that because he wasn’t saying much that he didn’t care–and I was so wrong. Turns out, his desires align with mine but the Lord hasn’t provided the pathway for our desire yet. Instead of whining and complaining like me, he’s been quietly working on finding a solution. And this realization smacked me in the forehead: I have been so incredibly selfish.

Selfishness is sadly something I gravitate to. It’s like that ex boyfriend you fear you’ll never be rid of. Ugh. Just go away already!

Sometimes as women we forget or ignore the fact that while our men aren’t wired like us, they still fear, hurt and want. They too are emotional beings made in the image of God. And so often, we make it harder on them than we realize. Think about how terrible it would make you feel if your husband didn’t consider your emotions. Most of us would probably explode into some sort of crying mess.

While men may not scream at us and run away to cry on their bed (totally guilty), they still feel the rejection of our words and the weight of them can crush their spirit. We may not find them weeping in the bathroom eating ice cream, but we very well could find them shutting down on the inside.

Your husband is not a robot, but if you want him to become one, keep on pretending he can’t feel pain. 

Continue to act like you’re the only one in the marriage that is capable of having a broken heart. Over time, you’ll get your robot manufactured straight from your grumbling spirit. Congratulations, you’ve just destroyed the communication in your relationship.

I have come to realize that when I make comments of discontentment about money, lack of children or frustration with having to work, these are direct blows to my husband’s heart. They tell him he’s not doing a good enough job as a provider. They crush his spirit and only inspire frustration and fear in his mind. As wives, our words hold a great amount of weight in the lives of our men. More weight than any other person they know. More than their Mom, Dad or best friend. And our words can either speak life or death, encourage or cut down, heal or break. I want mine to be words of life, encouragement and healing.

 Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. Ephesians 4:29

Thanks, Brittany! You can read a longer version of her post here:

Your Husband is Not a Robot

Hi! Brittany here. I’m a wife to an amazing man for almost 3 years and a follower of Christ. I currently work part time and serve in women’s ministry at my church. My husband and I have also recently started teaching the Youth. I thrive on seeing women open up their hearts to The Savior and to other women around them. I believe transparency is the key to growth so I promise to be honest, even when it hurts. 

I blog at God’s My Healer.

 

And thank you to Cheri Gregory who has graciously agreed to keep the comments section active while I’m away (and she had a guest post this week, too!). Be sure to stop by her website and check her out, too. She’s got great stuff on HSPs (Highly Sensitive People!)

 

What’s #1 at To Love, Honor and Vacuum?

We’ve got #1’s and #3’s this week in our Tops just to switch things up and get some different posts on the list!  Here are some great tips and on marriage, sex, and understanding your significant other.  Take a look!

#1 NEW Post on the Blog: Don’t Be So Sensitive! What Happens When Highly Sensitive People Get Married 

#3 on the Blog Overall: Top 10 Effects Of Porn On Your Brain, Your Marriage, And Your Sex Life 

#1 from Facebook: Top 10 Ways To Be More Adventurous In Bed  

#3 from Pinterest: 29 Days To Great Sex Day 6: Why Your Hubby Wants Your Body

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Does Romance Only Count If It’s Spontaneous?

Why do we think that love, emotion, or romance only count if they’re spontaneous, rather than something that’s planned?


Personally, I think sometimes we make too big a deal thinking that spontaneity=genuineness, and everything else must be subpar.

It reminds me of Anne of Green Gables (seriously, I can use Anne for illustrations about almost anything; it’s the Canadian in me). Anne is forced to apologize to Mrs. Lynde, after telling off said Mrs. Lynde when Mrs. Lynde insulted her by noting that her hair was red. Anne is flabbergasted. How can she apologize when she doesn’t mean it? An apology must come from the heart; it can’t be forced. It must bubble up from what’s really inside!

I think we’re all rather sympathetic to Anne. We share her perspective about all kinds of things:

Flowers.
A hand-written note from a child.
Romantic gifts.
Date night.
Even sex.

To be real, these things must be spontaneous. They must flow from the heart, not from calculation or planning. If people have sex because it’s in their calendar, it doesn’t count. If they buy flowers because they were reminded to, or because they “should”, then they don’t win brownie points. Romance, love, genuine feelings should all proceed from the feelings of the moment, not from cool calculation when looking at a calendar–shouldn’t they?

What If We’re Looking at Romance Wrong?

When I’m speaking at marriage conferences, I often make the point that women should tell their husbands exactly when they expect gifts (Valentine’s Day, Mother’s Day, etc.), and then either give him a list of acceptable gifts, or give him the emails of several of her closest friends to ask. So many women are disappointed by men on holidays, and it seems to me that we should just make our expectations clear.

But this isn’t always received well, because the idea is that if it does not spring from the depth of his heart alone, it somehow doesn’t matter. “I don’t want to have to tell him to get the right gift,” they’ll explain. “I want him to study me and love me enough that he would think of getting the right gift.”

I understand. I really do.

But may I offer another way of looking at romance?

When I was 8 years old, my grandmother taught me how to knit. I found it so awkward to hold the needles. And as I knit, I had to repeat to myself: “The bunny goes into the hole. He puts his sweater on. He goes out of the hole, up the street, and around the corner…”

I’m not like that today. Today I can knit without looking at my hands. In fact, I rarely even have to look at a pattern. I can just figure out what’s next by looking at the row before it and knowing how to make patterns appear.

That’s because I worked at knitting for countless thousands of hours until it became natural, almost an extension of myself. I did it over and over again until I didn’t have to think about what my hands were doing. I can watch a movie while I knit and still not miss a stitch (or miss the plot of the movie). But it took concerted effort to get here. (PS: for any fellow ravelers, my ravelry name is just sheilagregoire! Come find me! And only hardcore knitters will know what I’m talking about). 

Don’t you think relationships may take the same course?

When we start out, when we first get married, we don’t really know what we’re doing. There’s a lot of adjustment required.

And sometimes the best way to make those adjustments is to actually plan it. To put things in your calendar. To make lists of ways to be nice to him. As one commenter said on the weekend, even to schedule sex!

This doesn’t mean that we don’t really love our husbands, and it doesn’t mean they don’t love us. In fact, it’s the opposite. When you put something in your calendar, you’re saying, “this is important to me.” When you make a list of the things that you’re supposed to do, it’s because they’re so important that you don’t want to forget them.

And the more we do things, even if it’s by a list or with reminders, the more natural those things become.

When we spend scheduled time together, we start to share and talk more. And as we share and talk more, we feel more intimate. We feel closer. We understand each other better–so much so that next time perhaps we won’t need to schedule it; it will just happen.

But at different points in the relationship it’s important just to say, “I know that we’re missing something here, and I want to prioritize our relationship more. So I’m going to start writing things in my daybook. Can you make me a list of the things that I can say to you to make you feel loved? Can you write me a list of gifts you want? Can you write me a list of things that would make you feel special?”

Is it spontaneous? Perhaps not. But it’s building intimacy. And once we start to plan it, to make it a priority in our lives, then it will slowly start to become a habit. And then the spontaneity will come! If sex is a problem in your relationship, try scheduling it! When it becomes more frequent, with less stress associated with it, then it may also grow more spontaneous with time.

So instead of being upset that he isn’t romantic enough, or that your love isn’t authentic enough, maybe we should ask a more fundamental question: how can we prioritize each other? How can we be more deliberate?

Structure is not always the opposite of authenticity. Sometimes it’s simply the beginning of it.

What do you think? Have you ever had to plan something to make it happen in your relationship? How did that work for you? Let me know in the comments! And don’t forget to share on Facebook and Pinterest if you enjoyed this  post!

And thank you to Cheri Gregory who has graciously agreed to keep the comments section active while I’m away (and she has a guest post coming up this week, too!). Be sure to stop by her website and check her out, too. She’s got great stuff on HSPs (Highly Sensitive People!)

Marriage isn't supposed to be blah!


Sex is supposed to be stupendous--physically, emotionally, AND spiritually.

If it's not, get The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex--and find out what you've been missing.

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Don’t Be So Sensitive! What Happens When Highly Sensitive People Get Married

Are you a highly sensitive person? Or are you married to someone who’s really sensitive?

Then you’ve come to the right place!

Today Cheri Gregory, author of The Cure for the “Perfect” Life, joins us to talk about what happens when highly sensitive people get married. She knows, because she is one! Here’s Cheri:

Our first argument as a married couple is now referred to, with humor and affection, as “The Great Gregory Couch Debate.”

It happened, quite literally, the day after the honeymoon ended.

We’d just unloaded a UHaul truck full of hand-me-down furniture into our tiny married student apartment. As we started moving tables and chairs into place, we each discovered that the other was—horror of horrors!—planning to arrange the room the wrong way.

We tried to compromise. But when it came to whether the couch should go against the east wall or the south wall of our bungalow, we both dug in our heels.

As our conversation escalated toward a full-blown fight, Daniel declared, “We should do it my way because I’m logical and you’re too emotional.”

Needless to say, the couch argument ended abruptly as a whole new “discussion” began. I spent days trying to convince my new groom to:

admit he was wrong (after all, I’d recently scored 99th percentile in analytical reasoning on the GRE!), and
apologize for wounding me to the core (after a perfectly wonderful honeymoon)

When I failed at both, I judged him arrogant and insensitive.

HSP — Who, Me Us?

Twenty-five years years later, I stumbled upon Elaine Aron’s book The Highly Sensitive Person. I devoured it in a day, stunned by how accurately she described me although we’d never met.

When Daniel and our two college-aged kids took the HSP assessment, I was shocked once again: every single one of us is a Highly Sensitive Person. Even my “insensitive” husband. We just have very different constellations of sensitivities. Where we overlap, we understand each other well. Where we don’t, we really don’t.

So many struggles in our marriage that never made sense suddenly made total sense. Daniel and I share these three common qualities of HSPs, but we experience and express them in vastly different ways.

Highly Sensitive Person Quality #1: Depth of Processing

Both of us are slow processers who tend to “live in our heads.” But while I reflect more on actual interpersonal relationships, Daniel’s mind tends towards abstract theoretical ideas.

Highly Sensitive Person Quality #2: Overstimulation

Daniel and I both become quickly overwhelmed by sensory stimuli. But not by the same senses. Strong smells and loud sounds put me on red alert, whereas visual chaos and tactile discomfort send Daniel over the edge.

Highly Sensitive Person Quality #3: Emotional reactivity

We’re both passionate people. But our easily-triggered emotions flow in opposite directions. When receiving negative feedback, for example, I internalize it and blame myself; Daniel deflects it by blaming others.

HSP — Yes, Me!

Discovering and embracing my HSP qualities has made me a happier woman and a better wife. Two skills have been especially helpful.

1. Learning to Re-View My Past

While I can’t change my past, I can change the story I tell myself about my past.

I used to hate myself for being so socially awkward — I could never come up with a snappy comeback in the moment! Now, I recognize that I’ve always needed 24-48 hours to process what others have said.

I used to pretend that scents and sounds didn’t actually bother me because I felt defective for being so reactive to them. Now, I feel compassion for myself as I see the clear connection between my heightened senses and the decades I’ve spent battling headaches and anxiety.

I used to berate myself for being, as others labeled me, “such a drama queen.” Now, I have empathy for how frantic I used to feel before I learned self-soothing techniques and exit strategies.

If you’re an HSP, re-framing your past in light of this trait can be freeing and empowering. Consider areas such as

strong sensory reactions, such as startling easily, squinting at bright lights, shying away from certain textures or types of touch, etc.;
responses to change, especially last-minute or when lots happened all at once;
social situations in which you felt awkward or overcome with emotion.

Recognizing your specific HSP qualities at work can give rise to responses like, “So that’s why I did that!” and “Oh, that makes so much more sense, now!”

2. Learning to Name and Meet My Own Needs

I brought a contraditory pair of beliefs into marriage:

I have no needs
My husband should automatically meet my needs

This meant that I felt ashamed of any needs that did crop up and then hurt when Daniel failed to automatically meet the needs I wasn’t even supposed to have in the first place.

Now that I know I’m an HSP, I’m clear that there’s only person who can know and meet my unique set of needs:

Me.

For example, Daniel screens out repetative sounds, so when our dog goes on a barking jag, I’m the one to notice. I don’t say, “What’s wrong with you? Can’t you hear her?” I hear her. So I bring her in.

The same is true in dozens of little areas of everyday life.

I carry a sweater so that I can regulate my temperature when we go for a drive.
I pack a power bar and water bottle so I can eat even when he’s not hungry.
I put on noise-canceling headphones while he’s watching a loud movie.

Instead of denying my needs, while expecting my husband to magically know and meet them for me, I keep asking myself two questions:

1. What do I need right now?

2. How can I meet my own needs?

The Great Gregory Couch Debate, Take 2

Re-viewing The Great Gregory Couch Debate thru the HSP lens, we now see red flags that neither of us recognized at the time:

Highly Sensitive Person Red Flag #1

We had both gone at least two hours longer than we should have without eating, and we’re both far more reactive when we’re hungry. Now, we don’t have any kind of “discussion” until after a solid meal.

Highly Sensitive Person Red Flag #2

We’d both experienced lots of changes two weeks preceding our couch argument: our wedding, our honeymoon (during which we’d been violently ill with food poisoning), picking up furniture from my parents and his parents, driving back to college, and setting up a household together. Neither of us recognized the impact of so much change in such a short period of time. We now know how unsettling change is for us, and we factor this into our conversations.

Highly Sensitive Person Red Flag #3

We were each trying to strong-arm the other to do what we wanted without realizing how strongly we each react to high-pressure tactics. We’re both far more careful to avoid coersion these days.

Learning that I’m an HSP has given me two invaluable gifts: compassion and permission. Compassion for my particular constellation of needs. And permission to take care of—and to simply be—myself.

Wondering if you, or someone you love, might be an HSP? Download Cheri’s free “HSP—Who, Me?” assessment !

Curious to learn more about what it means to be a Highly Sensitive Person? Sign up for Cheri’s free 10-day Email series “You’re NOT Too Sensitive: the Strength of a Tender Heart” which will equip you to relate and create with less drama, more delight!

Cheri Gregory is a teacher, speaker, author, and Certified Personality Trainer. Her passion is equipping women to relate and create with less drama, more delight. She is the co-author, with Kathi Lipp, of The Cure for the “Perfect” Life and the upcoming Overwhelmed. Cheri has been “wife of my youth” to Daniel, her opposite personality, for twenty-eight years and is “Mom” to Annemarie (25) and Jonathon (23), also opposite personalities. She blogs about perfectionism, people-pleasing, highly sensitive people, and hope at CheriGregory.com.

Disclaimer: This blog post reflects one woman’s experience. Each marriage is unique; what works for one couple may not work for another. A marriage that involves abuse, addiction, adultery, abandonment, and/or apathy is beyond the scope of this blog post and may need the intervention of a trained counselor.

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Do You Let Your Husband “Catch” You?

If you want your husband to continue to pursue you, then you have to be let him catch you sometimes!

If you want your husband to pursue you, then you have to be let him catch you sometimes!
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Today’s Tuesday, the day I usually write a Top 10 post!

But I’m on vacation right now, so I’m going to link to 10 posts that can help you WANT to be caught!

Why Sex Matters–and How to Get Over the Mental Hurdles

1. Why He Won’t Meet Your Needs (you’ll HATE this post. But you really should read it. It’s true. And the stuff about sex flowers is true, too).

2. Top 10 Kisses Every Marriage Needs

3. We Stopped Having Sex–and Here’s What I Learned (a great story from a mom who wrote into my Facebook Page!)

4. Scheduling Sex: Can It Work For You? (if you just never seem to want sex, then this may help you!)

5. Top 10 Positive Things To Tell Yourself About Sex

6. What Is Real Intimacy? (why do we often assume that it’s only emotional intimacy?)

7. Why is Sex So Boring? (we get what we settle for. Want something amazing? Here’s how!)

But what if he doesn’t seem to be pursuing you?

Then try these:

8. When Your Husband Won’t Initiate Sex

9. Restarting Your Sex Life After Years of Sexual Refusal

10. 10 Ways to Stop Being Too Tired for Sex

Hope those help! And I hope you’re enjoying a wonderful summer, too!

Remember: It helps me SO MUCH if you pin the posts you find interesting, or even share them on Facebook (I dare you! I guarantee your friends will want to click through

Reader Question: I Just Found Porn on My Husband’s Phone. Now What?

What do you do if you find out that your husband uses porn?

One of the most recent questions I get from readers is about husbands using porn. Here’s a question that recently came through:

I have recently discovered that my husband looks at pornographic websites on his phone. He doesn’t know that I know. This happens daily 

How We Handled Money, Paying for College, and Vacations with Our Kids

If you’re hoping and praying your kids go to college, how are you planning for college to be paid for?

About a month ago I was out in British Columbia celebrating some family birthdays when my cousin-in-law said something interesting. He said, “Nobody ever talks about money–like the specifics of it. So we have no way of knowing if we’re on track with savings for this point in our lives.”

It’s true, isn’t it? We don’t tend to talk about money in polite company.

Well, every Friday I write a quick, 400-word inspirational marriage moment to give you one thought to take into the weekend. And today I thought I’d do more of a “family moment” and open up about our money arrangements with our kids for college. We should be talking about this more, and I hope that it may help some of you, too!

Sheila’s Marriage Moment: How We Handle Money, College and Vacations Now That Our Kids Are Adults

When I went to university it cost, in total, about $7000 a year, including tuition, room and board, books, and personal stuff like clothing and toiletries. At summer jobs I was making about $15 an hour (I was awesome at word processing and Excel), and by working full time in the summer and typing essays during the school year, I didn’t have to borrow money and paid my own way.

Today, almost 25 years later, it costs about $18000 a year to go to the University of Ottawa, for all costs (and I know it’s so much more expensive in the United States!). And my girls were only making about $13 an hour as lifeguards. So there was no way they could fund themselves.

We didn’t want to just pay for school, though. We’ve heard of far too many parents who just paid for college and then the kids didn’t take it seriously.

So we did a matching grant system: We’ll give you a certain percentage of the full $18000, deposit it in your back account in September, and then you have to make up the rest by working or taking out loans. But you get nothing more from us until next September (and now that Rebecca’s graduated she’s cut off). You pay your tuition, rent, etc. out of that.

If they get scholarships, it doesn’t affect what we give them. They should benefit from those scholarships. (If we were using loans, though, or if school cost as much as it does in the U.S.–that would be totally different!)

This year, Katie made it her mission to not touch her savings. She wanted to live within what we gave her and her income from YouTube (which is far less than the $18000). She didn’t buy coffees, bought no clothes, spent no money. She wanted school to be a money making exercise! She’s a little too frugal, but having to pay for life was a great lesson.

Then here’s the long term plan: we all go together on one vacation a year, in July, which Keith and I will pay for. One year we’ll splurge for something big, like a trip, and then the next year or two we’ll all go camping. We need to build more family memories now that there’s another person in the family (Connor, Rebecca’s husband), and my girls need to spend time together to build their relationship since they don’t live together anymore. So instead of giving them money when they’re older, we pay for the family vacations.

So that’s our plan. I can tell you that if my girls didn’t have a clear need for university, and if we didn’t have the money to help them, I would never send them. University isn’t always worth it; College is cheaper and often a better route to get a job. But they’ve both made great contacts and met great people, and learned a lot about managing money and paying bills.

That’s what we do. What about you? Let’s talk in the comments!

And thanks to Sarah Ball who is moderating comments and jumping in while I’m away! This is likely a subject she and her husband are quite anxious about, too, given the ages of their kids, so I’m sure she’ll appreciate what you have to say. Sarah has guest posted for me before! She has written a ton about anxiety, and she’s a great friend who is going places and has such an important message. Thanks, Sarah!

 

 

Katie as She Started College: “I Have No Idea What I’m Doing!”

Here’s a video Katie made for her channel as she started university orientation last year!

Have a great weekend!

What’s #1 at To Love, Honor and Vacuum?

We are switching things up this week with some new posts that haven’t been on the list for a while (changing up the repeats!).  Here are some great tips and tops and lists!

#1 NEW Post on the Blog: Top 10 Tips For Relationship Recovery After An Addiction 

#3 on the Blog Overall: 20 Two Person Games To Play With Your Husband

#1 from Facebook: A 2+2 Way To Make Sex In Marriage Work Better!

#5 from Pinterest: 50 Most Important Scripture Verses To Memorize 

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4 Facts About Submission Every Wife Should Know

I’m enjoying a wonderful summer vacation with my family right now, and I hope that you all are enjoying your summer, too!

And since I’m not around to write a post for you, I thought I’d link to a post that I wrote earlier this year for iBelieve.com on submission in marriage based on my book, 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage. Here’s the first little bit:

When I speak at marriage conferences, I often ask wives what they think submission means. The room grows silent as they hem and haw, until finally a few hands are raised. “When you disagree, he gets the final say.”

Should women's lives be about a husband's will or God's will?
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I’ve never heard an answer other than that one. If you think about it, though, that sounds rather peculiar–as if God’s command for women in marriage can be summed up as, “in the case of ties, husbands win”! Perhaps when it comes to submission, the immortal words of thePrincess Bride apply, “You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.” So let’s look at what submission does–and doesn’t–mean.

Viewing Submission as About Decision-Making Assumes You’ll Disagree

If submission means that the husband makes the decisions, then the underlying assumption is that the husband and wife will disagree.

Does the same God who sets high standards for us–whose will is that “there be no divisions among you, but that you be perfectly united in mind and thought (1 Corinthians 1:10)”–turn to marriage and say, “obviously agreement isn’t possible there“? Why is unity the starting point in every other Christian relationship, while disunity is the starting point in marriage?

In Paul’s epistles and in Jesus’ prayer for believers found in John 17, God’s will is clearly that Christians will seek His will in unity. By assuming that a wife will always defer to her husband, though, we’re not assuming that the couple will find God’s will at all. If the couple is in disagreement and they do it the husband’s way, there are only two possibilities: either one of them is not hearing God, or both of them are not hearing God.

Want to see the other 3 points? Just read the rest of the article here!

And don’t forget to check out my big article on what submission actually DOES mean right here.

Have a wonderful day, everyone!

And say hi to Sarah Ball, who is moderating the comments and jumping in while I’m away! She’s guest posted for me before, and writes a ton about anxiety, She’s a great friend who is going places and has such an important message. Thanks, Sarah!

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