Sheila Wray Gregoire's Blog, page 158

Reader Question: Do We Have to Indulge a Husband’s Fantasies?

If your husband wants you to do a striptease or send him sexy photos, doesn’t that mean he’s perverted? Do you have to indulge him?

Every Monday I like to post a reader question and take a stab at answering it, and today I have two women with similar questions about how much of a guy’s fantasy we have to submit to.

One woman writes:

My husband wants me to send him naked photos to him while he’s at work. I really feel uncomfortable and harassed by this situation and think it’s getting out of control.

We’re in our forties and have been married for over 20 years. Our relationship isn’t very good as I always get thrush every month.

If I don’t send the photos he ignores me and blanks me out. I told him I don’t love him anymore and to get out of my life but he will not listen to me. He always says he’s sorry and then makes up but then he’ll start all over again.

Another woman asks more of a philosophical question:

I equate my husband’s asking me to wear uncomfortable and unattractive lingerie as well as perform lap dances and strip dances as an overt and palpable manifestation of his fantasies. Men do this without question using the mantra that “men are visual”. And as wives, we are required to satisfy those visual fantasies. No matter that they arise because he has seen something on TV or in a magazine or in a movie (or even porn) that has caught his eye. And no matter that they are very uncomfortable for the wife to perform. When the husband watches the wife, he is fantasizing about the image he has see that prompted the performance, not the wife. That is overtly forcing the wife to participate in his fantasy. It is very hurtful to know that your spouse is fantasizing about some obviously hotter, sexier image and even more hurtful to have to perform it. Somehow, this is viewed as normal male behavior.

All right, let’s try to unpack this, because I think there are several issues at play, and I want to tease them out separately.

Ready? Let’s go!

Being Treated Like a Sexual Object is Wrong

The first letter writer is really concerning to me. He’s asking her to do something which is potentially harmful to her–how does she know other people won’t see those photographs? And why is he more interested in seeing naked pictures of her at work than he is at working on their relationship when he’s at home?

As I’ve said before, sex is supposed to be mutual, and when we treat sex like it’s all for him and that women need to do whatever he wants, we diminish the power of sex to bring us together as a couple. We make sex into something which only physical–animal even–instead of something which is also intimate.

That is so harmful to the marriage and to the woman’s libido. You should not be treated like a sex object.

I guess what I’d say to this woman is that she needs to decide what she wants. She isn’t drawing very good boundaries. He blows up at her, she blows up at him and says it’s over, he apologizes–and she takes him back.

If someone is truly sorry, they will confess to someone else, get accountability, and change their behaviour. Sometimes the worst thing we can do is to rush forgiveness before we give God time to work on the person’s heart.

The husband here has issues where he’s not valuing the wife; he sees sex as only physical; and he violates her personhood. He needs to start feeling the consequences of his actions, and I’d recommend reading Boundaries in Marriage or my book 9 Thoughts That Can Help Your Marriage to help you sort out how to resolve something like this and refuse to participate in him going down a dangerous sexual path.

Enjoying Watching Someone Is Not Wrong or Abnormal

Okay, so I obviously agree that a husband wanting the wife to indulge a fantasy where she is objectified–when there is no intimacy in other parts of their relationship–is absolutely wrong.

If this is the case in the second letter writer’s situation, then I would give the same advice to her.

However, I do see some red flags in the second letter that I want to address. She’s making some very blanket statements that I see frequently that are not necessarily true. They may be true in her own marriage, but they aren’t necessarily true.

She writes:

…asking me to wear uncomfortable and unattractive lingerie as well as perform lap dances and strip dances as an overt and palpable manifestation of his fantasies. Men do this without question using the mantra that “men are visual”.

If a guy wants you to perform lap dances all the time, and if sex is really focused on him being served rather than being something intimate, then this is definitely wrong.

But men ARE visual, and the fact that a guy would enjoy watching a woman do a lingerie fashion show or watching her slowly take off her clothes does not mean that he has porn issues or that he’s a pervert. He may just love you and enjoy being with you and want to have some fun!

Just Because Strippers Do Something or Porn Stars Do Something Doesn’t Mean it’s Necessarily Off Limits

There are some acts that definitely are wrong–anything involving a third party, watching porn together, role plays which are really odd (acting like a child, etc. etc.), some physical acts that are harmful. But that doesn’t mean that everything a stripper does or everything a porn star does is wrong. Of course, I hope you haven’t all been in strip joints or watched porn to figure out what those things are, but hopefully you know where I’m coming from!

I think we need to be careful, then, that we don’t assume that because a husband may want to spice things up or because he may want to look at you taking your clothes off that he’s by definition a gross porn addict.

The letter writer says, for instance:

When the husband watches the wife, he is fantasizing about the image he has see that prompted the performance, not the wife.

This may very well be the case, especially for this woman. I’ve written before, for instance, that it’s okay to say to him, “I’m not going to have sex with you after you’ve gotten aroused watching Game of Thrones.” And if your husband wants something you think is gross, that may indeed be a red flag.

But when a husband watches a wife do a little striptease it doesn’t mean he necessarily is fantasizing about something else. Most guys enjoy watching a women getting undressed. That doesn’t mean he’s bad. Most guys would love it if we tried some new positions or did some interesting things.

One thing I often advise couples to do is the “His Night” “Her Night” bargain. Take the Saturdays in a month and declare two of them “His nights” and two of them “Her nights”. On his nights you do the things he wants, and on her nights you may start with a long, drawn out massage. That way if he likes seeing a lingerie fashion show, you can provide one. But on all the other nights you just do things regularly, so you don’t have to feel pressured that every night has to be a big production. He knows he gets what he needs sometimes, and you know you do as well.

The Issue is the Heart. Always.

Some men, because of past or current porn exposure or the way they allow themselves to think, do view sex as primarily a physical thing where they can get their own needs met, rather than as an intimate encounter where they please the wife and feel close to her, too.

If that is the case in your marriage, then absolutely you need to talk to him about it. You may even need to bring in a third party, like a counsellor or mentor couple, to help you draw some boundaries and say, “no more”. You may have to get something like Covenant Eyes to make watching porn more difficult and give him some accountability.

But sometimes we become so focused on the evils of porn that we think anything that is the least bit risqué is therefore off limits.

The issue is not the act; the issue is the heart.

The closer a couple gets to each other and the more intimate they become, often the more passionate and more fun their lovemaking grows. Hot and holy can go together!

If you have a history of people using sex as a weapon against you, or if you’re just completely grossed out by our culture, it’s easy to start seeing sex as something distasteful that we need to get through–a sort of “missionary position is the only acceptable thing”. But it’s not. And let’s be careful that we don’t throw passion out the window with our attempt to get rid of the influences of pornography.

What do you think? How would you tell the difference between a guy who just enjoys looking at his wife and a guy who wants his wife to indulge fantasies he’s fuelled by porn? Let’s talk in the comments!

 

 

 

 

 

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Is the Purity Culture Waking Up?

Is the purity culture pendulum swinging back to the middle (as it should)?

It’s Friday, the day when I usually publish a 400-word inspirational marriage piece (to counteract all the long pieces I run on other days!

Just Processing the Meaning of Hardships Today

Today I have a whole bunch of stuff to share with you, and stick with me to the end, because I’m going to wrap it all up together!

Next week is my cousin’s 40th birthday.

What makes that special is that her birthday and my birthday are just two days apart, and when we were kids we always had joint birthday parties. Well, she has adorable kids now, and she lives on the other side of the country in the mountains, and we haven’t had our birthdays together in about twenty years. So my daughter Katie and I are flying out on Sunday so that we can do our birthdays together.

Then, after we leave, Katie and I are going to go on a big hike for my birthday, somewhere in the Rockies.

Yay! I’m excited.

But my dad lives out in British Columbia too, and as my long-time readers know, I have a bit of an iffy relationship with him. He left when I was two, and I only ever saw him for about a week a year (seriously, I would fly out, by myself, starting at the age of 6. They let you do that back then). I don’t think I ever bonded with him, and he’s a bit of an odd duck. Sort of the typical absent minded professor. Sweet if he’s not part of your family, but if he is in your family it’s weird because he doesn’t seem to have normal emotions.

To top it all off he has Alzheimer’s.

So the whole thing is very emotionally draining. Conversations are sometimes strained because I never know what to talk about. Our lives are so different.  I’m just grateful that Katie’s with me this time around because we can talk about her.

Anyway, if you think of it, say a prayer for me over the weekend when I’ll be seeing my dad. It’s just a strange time.

Keith and I were in Pennsylvania last week, for two different Girl Talks.

They were my last ones for the year–but my next one is in Erie, Pennsylvania, on September 11. So when things start up again I’ll be back in PA, on my way to Michigan, Iowa, Kansas and Oklahoma.

I’m still booking for Girl Talks or marriage days (where Keith and I speak together) in those states, so if you have a church that may be interested, just email me!

While we were in Pennsylvania, we were driving along and saw the sign for the Flight 93 memorial. We took the detour and went to see it. I shared a little bit about that earlier, but I just wanted to share a few more pictures.

When you first go in to the Visitor’s Center, they have a great display of the timeline of events and what all the passengers did.

I remember reading in the days and weeks after 9/11 about Flight 93. How there were so many big guys–former football players. How everybody was travelling as a single, none as couples or together (how often does that happen?), so that people would be forced to call home and would find out what had already happened. How brave they all were.

I was riveted especially by the story of Todd Beamer, who didn’t have a cell phone with him, so used one of those AirFones in the back of the seat. He didn’t get a hold of his wife Lisa (I actually met her at a Christian book convention once), but he did talk to the operator. And they recited the Lord’s Prayer, and Psalm 23, and then he said, “Let’s roll!”

They had three recorded phone messages there that you could listen to of passengers saying goodbye to their families. Keith couldn’t listen, but I did. It was really sad, but what got me was how nobody was falling apart. They barely even cried. The flight attendant, especially, was just really calm and said what needed to be said.

It was like you could just hear that the peace of God was on that plane to do what had to be done.

Then you go outside and they’ve got a path you can walk that traces the route of the airplane before it crashed in the field.

 

You can’t go out to the impact point, but they have a boulder there. But you can walk and look. They do have a wall of remembrance with everybody’s name written.

All in all it was just very moving. You came away feeling like some amazing people were on the flight, and they fought back, and they earned our gratitude and respect.

We saw Gettysburg a few days later.

Very overwhelming too–just the magnitude and scale of the loss of life. But so many amazing stories of split second decisions that changed the course of the battle.

But again, very grateful for the sacrifice.

“With firmness in the right as God gives us to see the right.”

These are difficult times in our world. I’ve just been thinking about that–may we always have the firmness to see the right.

And yet the stories of Gettysburg, and the amazing memories of Flight 93, gave me a lot of hope. When things look bad, God really does show up. And He gives us amazing gifts of peace and bravery that on our own we may never have. We’re equipped for the work and the role that He’s chosen us for.

I don’t know why those particular people were on Flight 93. I recently read a book by Randy Alcorn called hand in Hand talking about the predestination/free will debate, and how we can really understand God’s sovereignty and human choice. Does God REALLY plan suffering for us? Does He allow us to choose anything, or are our steps already planned by Him?

I just want to leave you with some of Alcorn’s words as I’ve been pondering all of this:

The individual ingredients of trials and tragedies taste bitter to us. Romans 8:28 doesn’t tell me I should say “It is good” if I get robbed and beaten, or if my child dies. But when God carefully measures and mixes the ingredients, then raises the temperature, at just the right time he produces a perfect final product. God has mixed the not-so-tasty ingredients. He’s baking the cake. We can smell it and get a first bite in this life. But the world where we’ll sit down and eat that perfectly delicious cake is not this one, but the next.

Alcorn doesn’t say that pain doesn’t matter. In fact, it matters very much to God. But God can take that pain and bring redemption out of it. He goes on to say:

When we acknowledge the suffering and pain of this life–but look forward to a glorious future with God in which the worst hardships here can’t compare to the least joys there–we find strength and encouragement to finish our course. While no current explanation (including mine) of our suffering on earth can suffice, Paul assures us that our eventual experience in eternity will more than suffice.

It’s a great book; you can get it here.

This week has made me look forward to heaven more and more. God is writing a story.

The events at Gettysburg looked so bleak. The tragedy of Flight 93–and the three other planes and everyone on the ground–is still so fresh. But God did show up in amazing ways on both days. His peace was there.

And so it is that I fly out to British Columbia to see my family–one branch of it that I’m so excited about, and one that I tend to only see in trepidation.

Yet both are part of my story. Both branches made me who I am today.

And it is only with that perspective of a small, 6-year-old child, traveling on a plane by herself to see someone who is virtually a stranger, that I had to start talking to God by myself to keep my courage up. I continue that habit even to this day–to have a running conversation with God in my head all the time.

He was there with me on the plane ride forty years ago. I felt Him. And the knowledge of how much I had lost when my father left made me so passionate about my own marriage and giving my kids the best home I could. I wouldn’t change my past, even if I could, simply because I wouldn’t change my present.

I wouldn't change my past, even if I could, because I wouldn't want to change my present.
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If you want to read more about my story with my Dad, or how I processed missing out on him and then later losing my son, I’ve written it all in my book How Big Is Your Umbrella. The ebook version is only $2.99–I want to keep it inexpensive so it can really help people–but it walks you through what God taught me about dealing with hardships and accepting grief in your life. If you’re walking through a hard time, it goes over all the things I yelled at God–and what He whispered back.

You can see it here. 

Have you seen God use your past hurts to shape you? Has God ever showed up in a big way and given you incredible peace in the moment that you can’t explain? Let me know in the comments!

 

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If You Give Your Husband a Kiss…

It’s Wednesday, the day when we always talk marriage!

And today I’ve got a treat. Leah Heffner from Life Around the Coffee Cup sent me this awesome post based on the story, “If You Give a Mouse a Cookie.” It first appeared here, but I wanted to rerun it for you all. It brought tears to my eyes. I hope you enjoy it as well!

If you give your husband a kiss, he’ll probably want a hug to go with it.

You’ll nestle your head under his chin, and just breathe him in.

The smell will remind you of when you first started dating and you didn’t want to be anywhere else but nestled under his chin.

You’ll think back on some of your favorite first dates – ice cream, pancakes, holding hands in front of your friends.

Before you can get too carried away, a toddler will probably squeeeeeeze his way in between your legs, breaking apart your hug.

You’ll open your eyes to see breakfast dishes that need cleaned up, kids who need noses or butts wiped, and the million other tiny and enormous things you do every day.

You’ll see the little babies running around and the messes and pile of bills and the work shirts.

You’ll see the rogue marker marks and mountain of laundry and the inch thick dust bunnies.

You might be so overwhelmed, you won’t know where to start.

You’ll see all the ways your life is different now than it was when it was late-night pancake dates and ice cream runs.

So you’ll take a deep breath, whisper a prayer, take a drink of coffee, and just start on something.

You’ll get so caught up in what’s going on around you, you’ll miss talking to your husband before he leaves for work.

You’ll start to say goodbye as he leaves, when you notice the baby has had a blow out.

After you change the diaper, you’ll wash your hands, and notice your wedding ring.

Your wedding ring will remind you of your wedding, and the man that you married.

You’ll think again of all the ways life is different now than it was when he slipped that ring on your finger.

And then you’ll think of all the ways it’s still the same, just like when you nestled your head under his chin.

You’ll hear the door to the garage shut and realize your husband’s leaving for work.

You’ll realize you don’t want to miss giving him one more hug before he leaves this morning.

So you’ll run out into the driveway looking like a hot mess.

He’ll smile because he thinks you’re beautiful, and you’ll still not understand how much he means it.

You’ll probably smile back, trying to pick one out of a million things you could say.

Instead, you’ll decide to give him a hug.

And chances are, if you give you’re husband a hug, YOU’LL want a kiss to go with it.

If You Give Your Husband a Kiss...a story based on If You Give a Mouse a Cookie
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Leah Heffner the wife to a sexy, beard-sporting, man of God and mom to three cutie-pie-heads. She’s a new southerner, a sometimes-DIYer, and a novice gardener. She loves coffee, a good Netflix binge, and encouraging other women. You can find her giving encouragement to fuel the journey of marriage, motherhood, faith, and friendship at Life Around the Coffee Cup.

Join Leah for her 5 Day to Thrive Marriage Challenge! It’s free. And it’s awesome!

 

Marriage isn't supposed to be blah!


Sex is supposed to be stupendous--physically, emotionally, AND spiritually.

If it's not, get The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex--and find out what you've been missing.

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10 Tips to Make a Pap Smear More Comfortable

Tired of painful Pap smears? Worried about your upcoming Pap test? Let’s talk about how to make Pap smears more comfortable!

Every Tuesday I like to post a “Top 10” post with 10 tips about something. And last week I asked on my Facebook Page for some advice to give to a young woman nervous about her first pap smear. Well, all my fans came up with some great advice, so I thought I’d make it into a post!

But first, a little bit of medical info. A pap smear is a medical test where a doctor inserts a speculum (it looks like the picture below) into your vagina, and then uses what looks like a really big Q-tip to take a sample of cells from your cervix. The speculum is kind of like a curling iron. It gets inserted when it’s closed, and then once it’s in, the doctor opens it up to give some space to insert the Q-tip like thing.

The cells are then analyzed to make sure there’s nothing cancerous or pre-cancerous, because cervical cancer can be a REALLY BAD THING. So you honestly do want to get this done.

Doctors start performing Pap smears after you’re sexually active, or at age 21 in the U.S. and 25 in Canada, even if you’re a virgin.

At the same time as they perform the pap smear they usually do an internal exam, inserting their fingers inside and feeling for polyps or growths on the cervix that aren’t necessarily cancer, or for other abnormalities. My doctor has found polyps that I needed removed that way, so it is really necessary to get done.

Seriously, no one likes this. But your health is worth it. So if you have to go through it, how do you make it less UGHHHHH?

10 Tips to Make Pap Smears More Comfortable (some are funny!):
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1. Know how often you really HAVE to get one done

While a pap smear is necessary, it’s not always necessary every year. People are in different risk categories. If you were a virgin when you were married, for instance, and you married a virgin, your chances of getting cervical cancer are greatly diminished, since most cervical cancers are caused by STDs.

If you’re a virgin and you’re planning on getting married soon, some doctors will want to perform one pre-emptively. It’s okay to ask if it’s really necessary (in many cases it’s not).

And if you’ve  had several tests that have come back clear, the guidelines now are to wait a few years before a repeat. However, I’d be wary and look at whether you’re actually in a high risk category or not based on your history.

One woman gives this warning:

Please don’t ever skip it! I know they say if you have had several good ones in a row you can go every three years…not safe! I had good results since I was 18. When I was 24 I found out I had cervical cancer, which fortunately was removed with surgery and I have been clear since. If I had only been going every three years, I might not be here. It’s a little uncomfortable but better that the multiple surgeries and biopsies I had for years!

2. Realize that Your Doctor Has Already Looked at 15-20 Vaginas This Week Already

Seriously. It’s okay. All women have them. You don’t need to be shy.

Here’s a joke I’ve heard before that one fan shared:

There is an old joke about a girl doing crafts with her Mom, glue, paper, glitter etc. Mom says “hurry up and go wash up, I have a Dr.’s appointment”. Minutes later the Mom realizes she should probably wash up as well but it’s too late now for a shower so she just hurries to the bathroom and give herself a quick rinse with a wet cloth and off they go. At the Dr’s office she gowns up and lays on the table in the appropriate position. The Dr. comes in and smiles. He says – “Hmm, went the extra mile for us today, didn’t we?” Thinking he noticed her Brazilian wax job she smiled and nervously said, “I do what I can.” All the way home she pondered this, thinking it very strange. On her way into the bathroom to tidy up after her daughter as she was in a hurry before she noticed the wash cloth on the floor, covered in glitter. The same wash cloth she had used on her quick touch up before seeing the doctor. My advice – stay away from the glitter!

3. Wear Warm Socks–That Match!

I laughed at that piece of advice, but it’s probably a good one! You’re allowed to keep your socks on. And warmer feet do make you less nervous!

So does wearing a sweatshirt or bringing a blanket. Those rooms really can get cold, and it’s hard to relax if you’re shivering.

4. Wiggle Your Toes to Help You Relax–Plus Some Other Tips

The doctor will tell you to scooch your bum down the bed to get close, and to let your legs fall sideways while your feet are in the stirrups (rather than having your legs at right angles). Our instinct is to get as far away as possible and to stay tense. But that just makes the procedure hurt more!

One fan said this:

My CNP did mine and she told me to wiggle my toes. I was so focused on wiggling my toes that the pap didn’t hurt. Usually always is a little uncomfortable for me,but didn’t this time. I’m guessing it helped me to relax.

Who knew?

Another relaxation technique:

Find a tile on the ceiling to stare at or close your eyes. Either way, then before it begins, start taking slow, deep breaths and focus on breathing in for 5, out for 5. This will help you relax. I do it for all paps, blood draws, and internal exams while pregnant.

And talking can help, too. It’s easier to relax if you’re focused on something else. So chat away! One woman writes:

And I like to chat with my doctor and the nurse while it’s going on–about anything else, haha. It makes it seem a lot less awkward.

5. Tell the Doctor If You’re a Virgin

Speculums (those scary looking metal tongs) come in different sizes. Ask for the smaller size if you’re a virgin–or even if you haven’t delivered a child yet.

6. Take Some IbuProfen Beforehand

It helps to ward off cramping, which can happen when the cervix gets too much “attention”. And ibuprofen is better for cramping than acetaminophen, too.

7. Pee Beforehand

Great advice! One fan says:

Also, make sure you don’t have to pee!!! I had to pee when I went for my first pap and relaxed muscles do not go along with trying not to pee on the doctor….

8. Give Yourself Something to Look Forward To

One fan recommends:

Also, leave room in your schedule to treat yourself afterwards (Starbucks, cupcake, whatever).

9. Get a New Doctor

If your doctor isn’t delicate, and if you leave the office feeling “used”, then try to get a different doctor. Different physicians have different skill sets, and it could be that your doctor just isn’t good at these. I went to a dentist for the first 18 years of my life and everything hurt like crazy. I thought that’s just what a dentist was. Then I moved to a new town, got a new dentist, and was amazed at how procedures didn’t have to hurt.

If you need some TLC, then find a doctor who will give it to you!

One fan tells this story:

When I was 12 weeks pregnant, I’d had a pap. I asked the doctor to “go slow” and he said, “why do you want it to last longer?”

I replied, “no I don’t want it to hurt.”

DEMAND RESPECT! Don’t ever let a doctor/man treat you this way!

It’s inexcusable!

Another fan writes about how a good doctor can make all the difference:

I always had exceptionally uncomfortable paps until i met my doctor. Her name is Jodi Smith. While she inserted the speculum she told me to bear down a little like i was going to sneeze (this was our first visit-and I made her aware I was really sensitive and it usually very uncomfy to have a pap done). I didn’t feel it go in…or out. She took her time (wow this sounds not right). I thought it a fluke until i had a few tests in that region done and it was uncomfy like before. All of her patients say the same thing. We need to clone her and send her throughout the world.

Communication and letting the doctor know its your 1st time or that you’re really sensitive helps ALOT. And ask what techniques they use to get the job done.

10. Keep thinking … It’s 5 minutes out of your year and could save your life.

Don’t avoid it just because you’re nervous. One woman shares this:

I hate paps but 23 years ago it saved my life. One pap found cancer and it was fixing to spread. I was 27. If I hadn’t went to have a pap done I wouldn’t have known till it was to late. Would have never had the chance to see 5 beautiful grands or the chance to raise my son.

A great reminder!

And I’m going to end with this, because it made me snort my tea all over my computer:

So there you go! 10 tips to avoid painful pap smears.

What about you? Have any that I missed? Let me know in the comments! Or share your stories about Pap smears. 

Marriage isn't supposed to be blah!


Sex is supposed to be stupendous--physically, emotionally, AND spiritually.

If it's not, get The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex--and find out what you've been missing.

The post 10 Tips to Make a Pap Smear More Comfortable appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

Reader Question: What Do You Do If Your Husband is Unmotivated to Work?

If you’re married to an unmotivated husband who doesn’t want to work, what do you do?

Every Monday I like to post a reader question and take a stab at answering it! This week I’ve got two reader questions that all revolve around the same theme: a man is unmotivated and won’t work, and the women don’t know what to do about it.

Letter #1: From a Motivated Girlfriend

My boyfriend and I have been together for two years. I’ve known him to be a chill, relaxed, homebody, introverted person. It appealed to me as I was an introvert as well.

The downside to that is he has the same attitude at work. He has little initiative, he responds to additional work negatively because he would rather do the minimum.

He expresses to me that “the dream” would be to have a job where he could work from home, he would take leaves from work to spend time on his hobby, or just because he doesn’t feel like going to work. One time we were having a conversation about how I would need to run an errand before work and he assumed I would take the whole day off.

He’s not all bad. He does get his work done. But basically it’s minimum compliance. But he can be passionate too about other things he enjoys like automobiles, his hobby, he’s responsible in taking care of his home, he ensures he pays bills on time, he takes care of himself, he has good relations with his family…But this work thing is just troubling to me.

Maybe he’s just like this because he doesn’t enjoy his job? Maybe the reality of a family will change his drive and give him motivation to work? Or maybe God will cause a change in him as he matures?

Should this be a deal breaker with our relationship? And if so, what do I tell him?

Letter #3: From a Desperate Wife

My husband and I met shortly after I  moved to [his state]. He was 31 and living  with his parents. We have been married for 8 years and have moved  around a bit due to work, but we have been in the same place for  almost three years now. That place is 2 blocks from his family (three siblings, their kids, his parents).

After so many years, and not so many great  times with the mother-in-law, or snippy sisters-in-law, I am anxious  to move near my family. My husband is in a dead-end job and I have been asking him our entire marriage to make  financial/career goals of some sort. I have encouraged school, but he refuses to  make any goals at all.

He says he will go to school, but he makes no initiative. Any time I bring up the goal of moving, he shoots it down completely. I want to feel safe and secure  that our family will be taken care of, especially since we want to  have another baby.

I read what you wrote about meeting his needs instead of concentrating on mine, and I’m trying so hard to be a good wife. I try to encourage him and appreciate him.

 But I also read about being a peacemaker and not a peacekeeper. I must admit I  tend to default to the latter. I don’t like conflict. I always feel  guilty for bringing up touchy  conversations or my needs that he  doesn’t seem to want to fulfill.

Okay, let’s take a stab at these today!

I included both letters because I wanted the woman who WASN’T married yet to read the letter from the woman who WAS. I do think she’s right to be concerned.

So let’s tackle the broader issues for the woman whose dating an unmotivated guy, and then we’ll turn to the unmotivated husband.

The Unmotivated Boyfriend: How Big a Deal is That?

He’s paying his bills. He’s nice to his family. He does go to work. So is this a big deal?

The Research: Marriage Does Raise Men’s Incomes

In The Case for Marriage, researchers Maggie White and Linda Gallagher looked at all the big marriage studies, and did find that when men married their incomes went up. Marriage does cause men to be a little more grounded, and often work harder to get those promotions or to seek out a better paying job.

That’s the good news. Here’s the reality, though: just because that happens in the population as a whole doesn’t mean that it will happen with your particular guy. So let’s dig a little deeper.

It Could Be That He’s Unmotivated Now Because There’s No Need to Work Hard

Maybe he’s the kind of guy who will step up to the plate when responsibilities come. I’d talk to him about this. If he wants children, what kind of house does he want to live in? Does he want a two-vehicle family? What income will the family need? What is he prepared to do to make that income? Does he expect his wife to work while the kids are little? Would he rather be the one to stay at home? If so, is he prepared to do the housework and meals?

I’d definitely ask about that latter one, too, because a guy who is unmotivated to work may be unmotivated in other areas of his life. If you’re going to end up doing the vast majority of the work around the house, it’s better to know that now so that you can make an informed decision.

What Are His Basic Values?

To me, though, this is the real issue. If he didn’t want to work that hard because he was consumed with starting an inner city charity to help underprivileged boys, or because he was working on a novel and really wanted to be a writer, or because he was furthering his education, that’s one thing. Work can be just a means to an end–a way to get money. Our passions may lie elsewhere, and that’s okay.

But if your passions aren’t focused on others or making the word a better place (basically bringing the kingdom of God to this world), then I wonder what the purpose really is. It sounds like this guy’s ideal life would be to do nothing but his hobbies. That’s an entirely self-focused life, devoid of gratitude for what God did for you. Our lives should be about service, not entirely about leisure.

If a guy would rather spend all his time on his hobbies than look for a good job--red flag.
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The Unmotivated Husband: Now What?

I condensed the wife’s email for space’s sake, so there’s much more in it. But there’s one sentence I want to draw attention to. When she met him, she says,

He was 31 and living  with his parents.

When readers share things like this, they often share it like, “Honestly, he was 31 and living with his parents! Can you believe that?”

But what I see is this: “He was 31 and living with his parents–and you didn’t think that was a red flag?” I’m going to be brutally honest here, and please forgive me if I sound mean, because that’s not my intention.  But if you go into marriage with your eyes wide open and you see that a guy has a certain characteristic, you really need to learn to live with it. You married him–you made a vow knowing that he was unmotivated, lazy, and overly dependent on his family. It is not his fault if he doesn’t change; it’s really your issue for expecting him to change.

Wow. That is harsh, isn’t it? But I do see this as different from a woman who married a guy in school who then never graduates, or a woman who marries a guy with a job who then proceeds to lose that job and go through job after job for the next few years. He’s exactly the same as he was when she walked down the aisle, but now it’s a problem to her.

Habits may change but basic character rarely does. 

Habits may change; basic character never does. Marry with your eyes open!
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That being said, here are a few thoughts:

Standing on Your Own Two Feet is Better for All of You

It sounds like he’s used to relying on his family. But, if you don’t mind me saying so, it sounds like you are, too. You’re saying, “we’ve lived near his family, now it’s time to live near mine!” Personally, I think it would be much healthier if your family were to move away from BOTH of your families and you learned to be a unit just on your own.

You May Have to Start Supporting the Family

If he won’t support the family adequately, then it may be that you will need to. If he isn’t interested in education, then perhaps you should start pursuing an online degree from home, or night training, so that you can start supplementing the income. No, it’s not ideal. Yes, it’s terrible with small children. But if you need the money you need the money. If he won’t do it, you will have to.

If you’re adamant that you can’t work with little kids/babies (and I certainly understand that), then often we can make a second income by figuring out how to be frugal. Seriously, if you can save your family $100 on groceries a week and $25 on electricity a month and $50 on clothes a month, that’s the same as earning $475 a month. So make it a project to figure out how little money you can live on. Search Pinterest for frugal ideas. It actually can be fun!

Get a Good Support System/Active Social Life

Sometimes what it takes to get a man motivated is to be surrounded by responsible, motivated men who can show him, “this is what it means to be a man.” So join a small group at church that has great couples in it. Ask people to become your marriage mentors (with his agreement, of course). Start having couples that you admire in for dinner. Surround yourself with people who can help you. If you expand your social circle where you are right now, then living so close to his family may not be that big a deal.

Are you surrounding yourself with positive models of marriage? Small groups matter!
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You’re Going to Have to Start Having That Tough Conversation

Nevertheless, at some point you’re going to have to have that difficult conversation. Instead of asking him to set goals, though, what about sitting down and doing it together. “Where would you like to be in five years? What kind of home would you like to be living in?” Now let’s work backwards from there and see what it takes to get there.

I have some visioning worksheets you can work through with your husband here.

What I wouldn’t do is to start the conversation with: “you need to get a better job” or “when are you going to start on your education?” Let’s instead set goals together and then brainstorm how we will meet them. And remember that you may have to be part of that solution!

Accept the Things You Can’t Change

If you can’t move right now because of finances, then you need to accept it. Be loving to his mother and sisters. Pray about how you can bless their lives rather than seeing all the problems they’re bringing to yours. Make it a goal to save some money and to start educating yourself. But don’t be miserable and decide, “I can only be happy once we move and once he gets a good job.” That’s not fair to anyone. Shine where you are now. Love where you are now. And then you can work towards some other goals for your family.

I’ve got some other posts that can help with unmotivated husbands/in-law issues:

If you’re married to a lazy husband

If your husband won’t leave his parents

I hope that helps! Let me know in the comments: if your husband started off in a dead end job, what did you both do about it? And what would you say to the woman who’s wondering if she should marry this guy?

 

The post Reader Question: What Do You Do If Your Husband is Unmotivated to Work? appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

Opposites May Attract–But Then What?

Opposites are supposed to attract, but what if, instead, they lead to decades of misunderstandings and hurt?

Every Friday I like to run a short inspirational marriage piece with just one thought. And today I want to look at how being married to someone who’s an opposite can lead to danger if we don’t deliberately make room for the differences.

Sheila’s Marriage Moment: When Opposites Repel

Opposites may attract, but get them married and they'll repel--if you're not careful.
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Let’s take a couple that are opposites: he’s a logical Spock, and she’s a warm, fuzzy feeling type of person. Or perhaps she’s the one who values logic, and he just wants to feel cherished.

Now let’s get them married.

Over the years she wants to feel connected, but he withdraws into work. She experiences that as rejection. As she pleads with him to connect, he doesn’t know what to make of her outbursts. So he withdraws more and more into work. She grows angry, and he doesn’t know why. Soon whenever they talk there’s tension. He knows she’s always mad at him; she feels that he’s unfeeling and perhaps even cruel.

Or, perhaps she’s the one who withdraws into schedules and organization, and he tries to reach out. That leaves her feeling that he’s pathetic, and she grows even more organized and straight-laced to try to compensate for his inability to cope with life, as she sees it. And soon they are miles apart.

I’ve seen couples like this at some marriage conferences I’ve taught at recently. And I know others like that personally. In fact, I’ve had several friends tell me that their husbands are abusive, largely because they’re cruel and always angry.

Yet when I really look at the relationships, I don’t see abuse. I see years and years and layer upon layer of simple misunderstandings, which grow into something so big it seems insurmountable.

Don’t get me wrong–I believe emotional abuse is real, and I’ve written recently about what to do if you’re married to a controlling husband. But all the abusive relationships I have seen have several commonalities: the husband is manipulative, not just distant; the husband acts differently outside the home than inside the home; and the teenagers in the house know exactly what’s going on.

In so many marriages, though, it’s just that the couple sees the world in such radically different ways that they think the other isn’t just abnormal; they think they’re morally wrong.

What would happen, though, if early in the relationship they simply realized: one of us values logic while the other values emotion. Neither is right and neither is wrong, and, in fact, by valuing each other our differences can make us better people!

Before we assume our spouse isn’t just different, but is actually bad, let’s ask ourselves: “could their behaviour be explained simply because they see the world differently?” Maybe if we started to try to see the world through each other’s eyes, we could tear down some of those walls, and not feel so much like we’re married to a stranger.

If you and your spouse are opposites, remember: being different doesn't mean being bad.
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What’s #1 at To Love, Honor and Vacuum?

New season (the warm weather is finally here to stay! Yay!), new (older) posts in the Top 5 positions!  The wedding season is about to start and I’ve got some marriage tips to get us all ready for the heat!  And also a lot of really great thoughts to discuss, so check it out!

#1 NEW Post on the Blog: Do We Know What It Means To Serve Our Husbands?

#3 on the Blog Overall: 50 Most Important Bible Verses To Memorize

#5 from Facebook: Honeymoon Blues To “O”ver The Rainbow

#5 from Pinterest: Top 10 Wedding Night Tips

I’m in Pennsylvania with the RV again!

I’m speaking tonight in Shippensburg and Sunday in Canton, so if if you’re in the area, come on by! (check out the Events in the sidebar for more info!)

The Facebook Page was a Riot this Week

So I posted this on Facebook this week:

 

And the responses were hilarious!

Then I also asked this question:

And the responses were funny, but also really helpful! I’m totally going to turn that into a post.

So if you’re not on the Facebook Page, you really should come on over.

If You Didn’t See Katie’s Video Yesterday…

…you really should. I really liked this one:

She makes a lot of great funny videos, but I really want to support her making a lot based on faith. So if you all could make this momma’s heart proud and share it, I’d so appreciate it!

We’re Got Winners!

Thank you so much for everyone who entered my contest with the Ultimate Homemaking Bundle! Dana B. won dinner with me. She’s from Washington state, and I’m hoping to meet her later this month. And Mindy H. from Colorado won me speaking at their church, and we’re hammering out the details now. It will likely be sometime next May.

Other people won some ebook bundles, most of which have now been mailed to them. I’m still in the process of doing the last four winners (it takes a while to upload everything to Google Drive!

God Is Not a Vending Machine

Do we treat God too tritely–like He exists to do our will?

My daughter made a video this week about all the stupid graphics she sees on Instagram and Facebook, and I thought she was spot on. I want to comment on how some of this has to do with marriage, too, but watch it for yourself first:

Do we treat God like He exists to do our will? #GodIsNotAVendingMachine
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If you don’t have time to watch the whole thing (but you SHOULD!), then I want to talk about from 2:50 to 3:50 of the video, so just watch that.

Okay, are you back?

Good.

So let’s talk about this one:

(PS: Sorry, Katie, for catching you with that expression).

I’ve talked about this issue before: certainly we are to pray, and certainly prayer is a big part of the battle. And certainly we are to seek first the kingdom of God, and then all these things will be added unto you.

But that in no way means that we are always to sit back and wait and never do anything.

Yes, there are times when God asks us to wait and just watch Him work. I’m reminded of the stories in 1 Chronicles 14:8-17. David has two battles with the Philistines, and both times he asks God if he should go up and fight. The first time God says, “Go, I will deliver them into your hands.” But the second time God says something different. He says:

Do not go directly after them, but circle around them and attack them in front of the poplar trees. 15 As soon as you hear the sound of marching in the tops of the poplar trees, move out to battle, because that will mean God has gone out in front of you to strike the Philistine army.

So the first time David and his men fight a fierce battle that God helps them win, but the second time they just watch, and God does His work first, and they just mop up.

Sometimes God asks us to hold back and wait, and sometimes God asks us to go ahead and fight with all our might. In both cases it is God who brings about the victory; but He asks us to do different things at different times.

This idea that we should just pray and then do nothing is very unbiblical.

Certainly we are to pray. But that doesn't mean that God may not also ask us to do something.
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Yes, there are times God asks us to do nothing. But that is not ALL the time. And sometimes He actually wants us to act.

I can’t tell you which is which in your marriage. God may want you to draw some clear boundaries and say, “no more!” God may want you to sit back and keep praying, because He has more preparatory work to do in both you and your husband. God may be asking you to give up a dream and let Him bring about something better, or He may be asking you to pursue a dream with all of your energy, because He has put that dream on your heart.

The only way to know which is which is to remain in prayer. We need to spend time with God, talking to God and listening to God and reading His word, so that we hear Him.

Here’s what happens with me, just to make this a little more practical:

I spent a few weeks last year trying to get an answer to something. I felt like God had promised me something but it wasn’t happening, and I wasn’t sure how I was supposed to pray or what I was supposed to do about it. I was reading in my devotions and this phrase struck me:

In those days and at that time.

It was just those few words. But they hit me like a thunderclap. And I just felt God saying: “this is not the time yet–but the time will come.”

I wasn’t actually reading a Bible passage about prayer, or about waiting, it was just a phrase. But I knew, when I read that phrase, that it was meant for me. So it’s not always that we read the Bible and the story itself applies. Sometimes we’re just really guided in a specific direction.

Here’s another thing:

When I have something big on my mind, I tend to pray when I’m going to sleep or when I wake up in the middle of the night. I used to feel badly falling asleep when praying, but then I thought about all the times I’ve fallen asleep while just chatting with my husband while snuggling. It’s an intimate relationship, and I like my last thoughts of the day being about Keith. So why wouldn’t God appreciate it if, as I’m lying down and searching for peace, my mind turns to Him? And when I wake up in the middle of the night, instead of worrying or daydreaming, I just pray.

I don't think God minds if we fall asleep at night praying. Then our last thought is of Him!
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Often I just get pushed in a certain direction. But I’ve found that by putting prayer so much more naturally into my day, it’s easier to know what it is that I’m supposed to do.

I hope you liked Katie’s video, and I know she’d appreciate it if you shared it!

But in the meantime, let me know in the comments: How do you hear God’s voice? How do you figure out if it’s time to act on something or if it’s time to wait?

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Wifey Wednesday: Do We Know What it Means to Serve our Husbands?

Have you ever really studied your husband?

I mean really studied him? Do you know what makes him tick? Do you know what makes him discouraged, and what makes him feel like he can take on the world? Do you know what his biggest fear is, and what his biggest success is? Do you know his dreams, his goals, his worries?

It’s Wednesday, the day when we talk marriage, and today I want to issue a big challenge to us wives: Can we become students of our husbands? I don’t mean students in terms of him teaching us something (though that’s likely a part of it); I mean students more in the way that Thomas Edison was a student of science. He ate science, breathed science, lived science, and was always trying to figure it out.

I believe that kind of focused study is what God is calling us to.

Let me explain.

In Ephesians 5:21-22, we read this:

(21) Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. (22) Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord.

(Often people begin the passage reading from verse 22, but actually, verse 22 doesn’t make sense in the Greek without verse 21, because the verb “submit” is only in verse 21; it’s not in verse 22. In Greek, verse 22 literally says, “Wives, to your husbands…” That’s a Greek device where it implies the previous verb also applies to this sentence, which means that Paul meant verse 22 as a continuous thought with verse 21, not as two separate thoughts, as modern Bibles often portray it).

So what does this mean for us?

If we are all to submit to one another, then what does wives submitting to husbands look like?
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First, everyone is to submit to one another.

We are all to “put ourselves under” others, “not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.” (Philippians 2:4). We’re to put other people’s needs ahead of our own. We’re to bless others. We’re to love others. We’re to serve others.

Servanthood is to be the hallmark of our lives, just as it was the hallmark of Jesus’ life–“the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve…” (Mark 10:45).

So women submit to men, men submit to women, employees submit to employers, employers submit to employees, neighbours submit to neighbours, because we are all to serve one another and bless one another and look out for their best. That is how we are to treat one another.

That’s why submission in these verses isn’t about decision-making, because then verse 21 would make no sense. Submission is simply about laying down one’s life and serving others–even if there’s nothing simple about that. And that makes submission so much bigger than decision making, because it isn’t something we do on the rare occasion that we actually disagree about something. It’s something we do each and every day, all the time. It’s an attitude of living to bless another. As I shared in 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage, this is actually a much taller order. This is an attitude and a life of service, and it’s beautiful.

(Incidentally, I don’t know why people get so upset when I mention that not just wives are asked to submit. Why is that so threatening? Paul asked everyone to submit out of reverence for Christ–out of reverence for what a servant He was, and we are to walk in His steps.)

But wives are also asked to be more specific–to submit to our own husbands

Here’s the thing, though: while we may bless everyone and serve everyone in the abstract, we’re asked specifically to do it for our husbands. So we may be kind to strangers, we may buy coffee for a co-worker, we may listen to a friend as she unburdens to us, but these things are largely done in the moment. God asks us, though, to be intentional about serving our husbands.

You can’t serve everyone in the same way. After all, we have limited energy and limited time. And God isn’t asking us to do everything for everybody. Our attitude towards everyone should be to serve and bless them, yes. But with our husbands–it goes beyond that. With them, we are to be intentional.

To me, that means making a plan. I can get easily get wrapped up in my work or in what I want to accomplish this week. But as I’m looking at my goals for the week, one of the first things I’m trying to train myself to ask is, “how can I be a help to Keith this week?” What does he have on this week that could be a stressor for him, and how can I help to alleviate that? What are his goals for this week–with health, with his spiritual life, with his work life–and how can I be a part of helping him meet those goals?

Even writing this I’m feeling convicted that I don’t know the answers to some of that (I don’t know what he’s trying to accomplish in his work life this week!). And I really should. Because of all people on the face of this earth, the one that I am called first and foremost to serve–before my kids, before any boss, before my parents–is my husband.

Friendship is not a substitute for serving

I am all for pursuing a friendship with our husbands so that we feel close to them, but sometimes I think that we women aim for friendship, thinking that this is the pinnacle of success in marriage. When we feel close, like we are laughing and doing things together, then everything else is okay.

And certainly friendship should be one of our big aims. We are to keep spending time together and preventing that drift.

But friendship helps us to feel better about the relationship. It isn’t really an other-focused thing. It’s absolutely essential, and very good, but it isn’t everything. God also asks us to invest in our husbands’ lives, and to serve them. We could be having fun with our husbands and laughing with our husbands and spending a ton of time with our husbands without actually serving them intentionally.

(Shoot. Now I feel convicted again. I guess that means this must be a good post when it’s going to change how I act towards my husband, too!)

Last year I wrote a post about why my husband I grew apart for the previous three years. It wasn’t that there was anything wrong with our marriage; it was just that we were both busy, and frequently working in different cities, and we weren’t sharing anything together anymore.

As I think about that time, though, God’s been starting to reveal another layer to it. During those years we still had fun together when we were together (though that wasn’t often enough). But the big thing was that we were leading separate lives. My emotional energy was being poured into my daughters and my work, and his into his work, and I wasn’t serving him. I wasn’t intentionally thinking about what he needed from me. We were still friends, but I wasn’t being proactive.

When we’re proactive, we pay attention to what’s happening in his life. More importantly, perhaps, we ask God to show us what He is doing in our husband’s life so that we can participate. We get excited about the things that excite him. We think about ways to bless him. We plan how to help him reach his goals.

If we aren’t intentional about how we can bless our husbands, then I think we’re missing out on God’s command to submit to our husbands.

Are you being intentional about how you can serve your husband today?
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This is the big thing in marriage that God asks us to do: to be intentional about serving our husbands. We’re to be our husband’s biggest cheerleaders, and the “suitable helper”, or “necessary ally”, to come alongside him and help him. We can’t do that if we only get around to thinking about him once the kids are asleep and the dishes are done. We can only do that when he is the primary person we think about and pay attention to.

And that means getting our eyes off of ourselves and our own hurts (without enabling abuse, of course), and thinking about him. In doing so, we change the dynamic of the marriage and make it far more likely that we’ll feel close.

So let me ask you today: how have you been more intentional about serving your husband? What practical tips can you give us? Let’s help each other in the comments to live this out!

 

 

 

 

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She is Priceless. And She Matters.

On Sunday, my youngest daughter posted this picture on Instagram (that’s her caption, too!):

Hey Mom, remember that time we dressed up all fancy and saw Les Mis on Broadway? Or when we took a road trip to South Carolina and were jamming to T-Swift the whole way? Or when we went shopping in New Orleans and spent way too much money at that vintage store and Dad laughed at us?
You’re the greatest. Thanks for everything, I love you so much, happy Mother’s Day!

Katie is a wonderful girl, and I would do anything for her.

That’s the heart of a mother, isn’t it?

And yet I know that I am beyond privileged that Keith and I were able to provide her with safety, food, opportunities, and amazing experiences. We are blessed beyond measure.

Too many mothers know nothing about taking their daughters on vacations, because all they worry about is getting their daughters their next meal–and avoiding something horrible happening to their daughters in the future. And you all know what I’m talking about.

Likely the most important experiences we ever shared with our daughters were when we took them to Kenya, to visit a children’s home and get to know the kids who had once lived on the streets, and who had even once been in the sex trade. We led three missions trip there, mostly medical in nature with my husband, but my girls and I had a chance to get to know the kids there and get to love them, too.

My daughters learned to know these children personally. They weren’t just pictures, or something exotic. They were real girls (and boys!), who had dreams and who went to school, and who even loved to learn how to knit.

And it’s made such a difference in how my girls use their money. They’ve learned to give cheerfully. They don’t buy brand name clothes (they do their best to buy at second hand stores). They’re frugal. They know that this world that we see is such a tiny fraction of the world. The vast majority of girls and women in this world struggle to eke out a good living, and struggle to find safety.

Obviously most people can’t take their kids to Kenya. But we can engage them in conversations, from a young age, about what other boys and girls go through. And we can care for the mothers who are trying to raise these girls, and trying to give them a future.

Today is Global Giving Day, with the She is Priceless campaign.

The theme of the campaign is #PutOnYourPearls.

Why pearls?

A pearl is a healed wound.  An oyster protects itself from irritation and suffering and the result is a priceless pearl.  The women we support have endured unthinkable suffering in their lives and often feel forgotten.  We are joining together to remind the world that every woman matters.

Five small organizations that are raising money to rescue women are joining forces today for Global Giving Day to ask for your support. Together, we can let these women know that they are, indeed, priceless.

You can read about all of the organizations here (and it’s enough to bring tears to your eyes!), but I want to highlight just two.

It's Global Giving Day! #PutOnYourPearls and tell these women they are priceless!
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Mercy House Global was started by my blogging friend Kristen Welch from We Are That Family. She visited Kenya and was heartbroken by the need, and so she started a maternity home for teenage moms and other at risk women. It was small beginnings. Kristen raised money for the home by selling jewelry that the women made.

But here’s something even cooler: the women have banded together to form a sort of cooperative. They made a ton of jewelry, and earned some money from the jewelry making. Then one mother-daughter team has now started a hair salon with the profits. The group of women have now purchased a motorcycle to start a taxicab business. They are able to sustain themselves. These women just want dignity, and when we give a bit of a leg up, they’re able to make their way in the world.

It’s an amazing story, and you can read it here (and donate, too!)

Freedom Firm is an undercover rescue operation working in India which seeks to identify underage prostitutes, work with the justice system to rescue them, and then give them safe housing, counselling, and career training so that they can have a future.

It’s gruelling work, and ever so heartbreaking.

They explain:

Our undercover operatives locate minor girls enslaved in brothels and document the crime. This information is then reported to the police. The team, along with the police, raid the brothels, rescue the girls and arrest the brothel keepers and traffickers. The rescued girls are then placed in shelter homes and criminal complaints are filed against the oppressors.

But it’s not always straightforward. Many rescues take months, if not years, to gain the girl’s trust, get the legal system to intervene, and then actually succeed in rescuing the girls.

Over the last 10 years, we have seen what makes a big difference. Quite simply, but agonizingly slow, it’s about persevering every time, whether we seem to be winning or losing. It’s all the tiny steps towards justice. It’s meeting with the same police again and again to beg them to do a raid. It’s filing writ petitions in court to stop illegal proceedings. It’s opposing bail for the perpetrators. It’s the thousand kilometre train ride to see if a girl is still safe with her family after rescue. It’s the perseverance of our staff that put their lives on the line; the social worker who gives HIV counseling gently with sensitivity; the investigator who goes undercover in the brothel and risks temptation and exposure; the production manager in our fair trade business who insists on quality because she knows anything else erodes dignity in the employees.

Find out more about Freedom Firm here.

And there are three other such amazing organizations that are being highlighted with the #PutOnYourPearls campaign, too! Please read about them, and then please be generous.

These are all small organizations, started by one or two people who had a heart to rescue these women and girls and tell them they are priceless. The money gets put right back into the ministry. I’ve watched Kristen put her heart and soul and time and energy and, yes, money, into Mercy House for the last few years, and it’s so inspiring.

But we can make a difference, too. And I think by supporting these organizations, and then by telling our kids about them, we help our children to become responsible citizens and generous people, able to focus not only on their own problems, but also see the vast resources that God has blessed us with so that we can bless others.

Please take a look at the She is Priceless campaign, and read about what they do. And please give generously! Thousands of people read this blog everyday. Imagine if everybody gave $10. Think about how many women that would help! Our money goes so much further in these countries. It really is an amazing opportunity to partner with God in what He is already doing.

I’m putting on my pearls today (here’s a Fair Trade pearl bracelet) and declaring that she is priceless. Will you join me? Let’s make a difference together!

 

Join us, and #PutOnYourPearls here!

 

The post She is Priceless. And She Matters. appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.