Sheila Wray Gregoire's Blog, page 156

Everyone Needs a Marriage Mentor. Here’s How to Find One

Do you have a marriage mentor?

I really think that a marriage mentor can help so much with getting over rough patches in marriage. And I recently came across an article I wrote a few years ago on this that likely most of you haven’t seen, so I’d like to run it again today!

In pretty much every church I have ever gone to, I have always started off those first few years in a honeymoon phase: you look around and everybody looks so together, so Christian, so loving. Then, bit by bit, you hear whispers. So and so had an affair and the marriage is reeling. So and so moved out, but they don’t want anyone to know yet. So and so has an alcohol problem.

In most of these cases, the vast majority of people don’t know. It’s all happening below the surface, below the smiling faces and the giggling but slightly dazed children and the pageants and the dresses.

And it makes me so sad, because it’s hard to help people who don’t want to ask for help.

When you know a couple is struggling, and you want to help, how do you approach them when they haven’t actually told you that they’re struggling?

That’s impolite, right?

Once Keith and I had a couple over for dinner that we knew were having problems. Their parents had asked out to reach out to them, and we really did want to help. They weren’t admitting any issues, though, so over dinner Keith and I just started sharing about all of our problems when we were first married. We told them how we had struggled, hoping it might get a response, or a “oh, we do that, too”. Nothing. We told them how lonely we felt in the marriage. Nothing. All we got was a “thanks for a great dinner,” and a thank you card afterwards. They divorced a year later.

At the marriage conference Keith and I spoke at last month in Banff, I urged all the couples to find a mentor couple: a couple that was at least a few years older, with a solid marriage, with whom they could occasionally bounce things off of and talk things through and ask for prayer. They should look for a couple who knew how to keep things silent, and who were there just to help. Many couples said they were a little reluctant, because people might feel it was a burden. And here’s what I told them:

Any mature couple in your church would be THRILLED to have someone ask them to mentor them; to have someone ask them to actually talk about real issues. Do you know how much we long to help with real issues, but those who obviously need help don’t ask for it? I watch couples I know are struggling, and I pray for them, and I ask in an around-about way how things are going, or if they want to talk, and they smile and tell me no. I know that’s not true. So if someone actually came to me and said, “We love each other, but we’re really struggling with something. Could we confidentially just come over and talk to you and your husband?”, I would jump up and down for joy!

And I would!

Most people with awesome marriages would LOVE to mentor a younger couple. Just ask!
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I’ve said the same thing about other issues, too: have kids you can’t get to sleep at night? There’s a mom with 8 kids out there who would LOVE to teach you how to do it. Just love it. Have a hard time organizing your home? There’s a super organized woman who has been biting her tongue wanting to help you. Feel like your wardrobe is too drab? There’s a woman who dresses well who would think having your own personal makeover day to be the most fun thing she’s done in ages.

People who are good at things love to teach other people how to do it. They really, really do.

But I find that the vast majority of people who are having problems won’t ask for help.

Why Don’t We Reach Out and Ask for Help?

In many Christian circles I’ve heard this turned into a blame game: “Well, I can’t ask for help because then people would judge me, because churches are so judgmental.” That may have a kernel of truth, but I can tell you that in every church I’ve ever belonged to, there would be a lot more respect for a couple who asked for help than for one who one day just up and divorced with no warning. And most people, I think, are like me. They desperately want to help, not because they think they know everything, but because they know how hard marriage and parenting can be, and they don’t want others to hit brick walls. They want to see families thrive.

So I think the whole “people are judgmental so I can’t share anything” is a cop out. I’m talking about finding ONE couple, who is older than you, that you can talk to. Surely in every church, even a judgmental one, there is ONE couple. And if there isn’t, you need to find another church!

So if that’s a cop out, what are the real reasons? Most people, I think, don’t look for a marriage mentor and ask for help for one of several reasons.

1. First, they believe they genuinely don’t need it.

They are completely in the right, and so they don’t need anyone’s advice. Often one half of a couple feels this way, and the other doesn’t. (In the case of the couple at our house for dinner, the woman didn’t think she needed help; the husband would have welcomed it, but I think he feared rocking the boat even more). If you’re married to someone who feels this way, you still need a mentor! Find a woman you can talk to and pray with, even if your husband won’t.

2. They know they need it, but the church’s doctrine is such that there is no understanding of the dynamics of abusive or controlling behavior.

I can’t tell you how many women on this blog have tried to get help when dealing with emotional or even physical abuse who have been told that they need to submit (that’s one of the points I wrote in 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage--we need to realize that God doesn’t love marriage for marriage’s sake, no matter what happens to the people involved; he loves marriage for people’s sake, and what God wants is for us growing to be like Him, not for us getting license to treat others horribly).

If that’s the case with you, you may need to find a mentor from a different church. Or pray really hard that God will identify someone to you who has a real understanding of Scripture, rather than the “pat answers” we’re often told. I can also almost guarantee you that even if you are in a church which preaches submission at all costs, there are at least some women in that church and some couples in that church who have a biblical understanding that God wants us doing His will, not our husband’s will if it’s warped. You may just have to keep looking! I’ve never seen a church where absolutely everyone believes this stuff, even if it’s preached from the pulpit.

Most people, however, aren’t in this situation. Most people who need help don’t seek it more because of something like this:

3. They’ve talked to others before, and those people have told them that they are in the wrong or they need to compromise.

I’m thinking of one particular woman I know who broke up her family recently. She was sure she was right; when she started talking to people in the church, though, they didn’t take her side. So she stopped talking and did what she wanted to anyway.

And that brings me to number four:

4. They’ve already made up their minds about what they are going to do.

They’re going to leave their spouse and split up their family, and they’ve convinced themselves they’re in the right. But they know deep down that perhaps they’re not, and so they don’t ask for help in case they’re convicted.

I don’t know where you are today. I don’t know if you’re having marriage issues, parenting issues, or addiction issues. But I do know that so many people do desperately want to help. My husband, a pediatrician, once participated in a community parenting course. It had tons of advertising from the Children’s Aid Society, other physicians, and more. Doctors were telling their patients with problem kids to go. It was on the radio. And only three families showed up.

I have another friend who is a nutritionist. A few years ago her office put on a seminar called “2 can dine for $1.99” to teach lower income people how to cook well on a limited budget. The only people who showed up was the entire homeschooling group from her community, who thought it was a great educational opportunity. All the people at the welfare office, and at Children’s Aid, who were told about it, did not go.

Why do I tell you this?

It’s because I firmly believe that help is there if you want it, but I also believe that most people don’t seek it out. 

Every couple needs a marriage mentor. Pray about it, identify one, and ask!
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People want to share their knowledge and their experience. But the vast majority of people don’t ask for help and don’t take it until it is too late. There’s help for people trying to recover from porn. There’s help for people who need marriage mentors. There’s support for people with drinking problems. If you need help, look for it. It won’t magically show up on your doorstep, though–you need to take that first step and reach out.

Every couple, everybody, should have a marriage mentor that they can talk to when things get difficult.

I have a mentor, and I am somebody’s mentor. My husband has a mentor, and he is also somebody’s mentor. This is so important especially for couples in the ministry, where it’s hard to talk about your personal issues. But that makes it all the more crucial to have a safe place to go for help. So don’t wait. Just ask for help. Ask to go out for coffee once a month to check in, and if there’s a problem, ask if you can meet for an evening in one of your houses. Share prayer requests. Be transparent. If more people did that, I think we’d see fewer families splitting up.

Let me know in the comments: Did you ever have a marriage mentor couple? How did it work out?

I’m hoping to do a week-long series in the fall on what a healthy marriage ministry would look like in a church, complete with some resources for marriage mentors. If you have any great ideas or good links, please leave them in the comments, and I’ll use them for my series! Thanks.

The post Everyone Needs a Marriage Mentor. Here’s How to Find One appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

Reader Question: Why Is My Husband So Stressed All the Time?

Ever feel like your husband is stressed all the time–and because of that he’s always short with you?

On Mondays I like to post a reader question and then take a stab at answering it, and today I’ve got one from a woman who says that when they go on vacation the sex and the relationship is amazing. But then as soon as they get home, the relationship falls apart because her husband is so stressed.

I’ve just celebrated our twentieth anniversary with an amazing overseas trip. We spoiled each other rotten.

But how do we spend such a fabulous time together where the sex is spectacular both physically and emotionally, and then arrive back home and his frustration levels grow to such an extent that it’s impossible to have a conversation?

I’ve treated him with the utmost respect. I haven’t screamed or made unreasonable demands. I did ask him to please refrain from continuously referring to problems he’s facing as they rarely resolve and because of that, I feel useless to help him gain victory which is just debilitating.

To be honest we’ve had 2 major blow outs this year, both after magical weeks of intimacy and then boom! I feel like I’ve prostituted myself. The hardest thing for me is keeping my heart open to our intimate connection.

I’d really value any words of wisdom. If financial pressure is too much (I’m a stay at home Mom), then I would happily forgo the travel lavishing if we could just maintain a steadier relational equilibrium.

Okay, let’s take a stab at this! Once again, I’m only going on the information I have here. I don’t know what their conflicts or about, or what the conflicts look like. I don’t know if he has anger issues or not. But, just going on the information here, a few things occur to me, so here goes!

Most people have reasons behind their actions

This is a simple fact of human behaviour: we do things for a reason.

Therefore, if he’s happy when he’s on vacation, but gets upset at her when he’s at home, there is probably a reason beyond just “he’s a bad person” or “he’s crazy.”

Sheila’s tip: If you start thinking that your husband is being entirely unreasonable and irrational, it’s quite likely there’s something big about this situation that you’re missing.

When people act a certain way, they are often reacting to someone else. Thus, it’s always good to ask if you are doing anything that they could find difficult.

To go along with our first point, if people aren’t islands, that means that they are usually reacting to something that someone else is doing. So if you’re having an issue with someone, the first step should always be to ask: “could I be doing something that is rubbing him the wrong way?”

Now, it could very well be that in examining yourself you find the answer is “no”. When husbands are emotionally abusive, for instance, they frequently blame everyone else for their outbursts and never take ownership of their own actions. And that can make the wife and the kids think that they are responsible for causing the problem, even if that’s not true. If you fear you may be an emotionally abusive marriage, then please read this.

However, most relationships are not emotionally abusive. Given that their vacation is wonderful and there aren’t problems there, I’d imagine that likely this relationship is not emotionally abusive either, because they are capable of feeling very intimate with one another.

Therefore, it’s always good to ask yourself: “am I doing something to make him feel uncomfortable or attacked?” Like Romans 12:18 says:

If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.

Sheila’s tip: Look to yourself first. Do what you can. Make peace–knowing that it is not ALWAYS up to you and it’s not always possible.

Are you allowing your husband to be honest with his stress?

Here’s what I think is going on from a cursory reading of this letter: they have a great time when they’re on vacation because the work world and everyday pressures are gone. But when those pressures are back, he’s stressed. He wants to talk to her about it. He wants to feel free to be stressed. But she is interpreting the fact that he is stressed as a personal attack on her, instead of asking, “how can I support him in what he’s going through?”

She said,

I’ve treated him with the utmost respect. I haven’t screamed or made unreasonable demands. I did ask him to please refrain from continuously referring to problems he’s facing as they rarely resolve and because of that, I feel useless to help him gain victory which is just debilitating.

It seems as if her main concern here is that SHE feels debilitated by the fact that he has problems that don’t seem to have solutions. But if she feels debilitated by that, imagine how HE feels! They’re his problems, after all. They’re things that he has to face at work. Has she thought about that?

So why is life so much worse for them as soon as they get home from vacation? I think that’s another clue to what’s going on in her husband’s heart. He feels close to her when they’re away. He feels like they’re finally connected. Maybe, just maybe, she’s going to be his ally now and they’ll be on the same team. And then as soon as they get home, she insists that he still act as if life is perfect–but life isn’t. And that feels like the ultimate betrayal to him because he thought you finally accepted him and loved him for who he was, and now it feels conditional to him. In other words, he’s feeling the same rejection you are.

The difference, though, is that he can’t do anything about it. He can’t make his stress disappear or deny it, which is what she seems to be asking him to do in order for her to accept him. She, however, could choose to help him and extend that intimacy that they felt on vacation, rather than putting limits on him.

Sheila’s tip: don’t withdraw or get upset if your husband seems stressed.

Become a safe place for your husband to work through his stress

Are you a safe place where your husband can work through stress?
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Look, a lot of us are married to guys who have stress. Sometimes it’s stress over potential job loss. Sometimes it’s stress because of toxic relationships at work. Sometimes it’s just simply the stress of the job. My husband has a LOT of stress at his work. He’s a pediatrician and often has to make life and death decisions. He sometimes can’t sleep and often has nightmares that he’ll do exactly the wrong thing. It’s scary. And I can never really understand it completely because I’m not a doctor (though I have this recurring nightmare where he gets paged in the middle of the night to come to a delivery for a premature baby and he sends me instead because he doesn’t want to go, and then I remember that I forgot to go to medical school and grab his textbooks before I jump in the car).

Here’s the question: What are you going to do to help your husband through stress?

A few quick tips:

Tips for Helping Your Husband Through Stress

8 tips to help your husband process stress:
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DON’T express displeasure when he’s upset. Say something like, “you look like something’s bothering you. Do you want to go for a walk and talk about it?” rather than “why are you always so down?” or “can’t you just enjoy the family?”
DO allow him to process things with you. When he starts talking, say something like, “tell me more about that” or “how did that make you feel”?
DON’T try to fix the problem. Just because there isn’t an immediate solution or an obvious course of action doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t talk about it. Sometimes the point is the talking, not the fixing.
DON’T baby him. Don’t say, “I’m so sorry you’re going through this!” or “It’s so unfair, and I love you so much” constantly. A little bit, okay. All the time? It sounds like you’re talking to your 8-year-old son.
DO express confidence that he can handle this. Say things like, “I know you’ll make the right decision”, or “I’m so impressed that you managed to keep your cool” or “I think you’re handling this really well.”
DO ask how you can pray. Start the day by saying, “what’s one specific thing I can pray for you today?”
DO ask if you can help. “If there’s ever anything I can do to make it easier, even if it’s just researching other jobs or anything for you, let me know. I want to help, but I don’t want to do something that would make the situation even more awkward.”
DO keep having sex. Seriously! It’s a great stress reliever. Sometimes guys who are stressed find their libidos shut down. But if your husband is still willing, or still interested if you do the seducing, then do the seducing! Instead of getting upset because he may not initiate as much, you start initiating. It can be one of the best ways to help him feel close, strong, and powerful.

I hope that helps!

Now let me know in the comments: Has your husband ever been stressed? How did you handle that period of your marriage?

Marriage isn't supposed to be blah!


Sex is supposed to be stupendous--physically, emotionally, AND spiritually.

If it's not, get The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex--and find out what you've been missing.

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Why Too Much Introspection Is a Bad Thing

Ever think, “I just need to work on myself and get myself healthy right now”? In some cases that’s true. But in others, too much introspection can be a really, really bad thing.

We’ve been talking this week about suffering in marriage–when it’s good and when it’s bad. We’ve been talking about how to have those awkward conversations, and how to walk through a marriage with a spouse who’s depressed. (Of course, we also talked about how to bring sexy back! Woo hoo!).

Many of us just have rough roads in marriage.

And a few weeks ago I wrote my marriage moment on how it’s important to take care of yourself, because if you don’t do that, you can’t take care of anyone else.

But there’s another side to it, and in today’s Marriage Moment–my short thought I leave you with for the weekend every Friday–I’d like to offer a cautionary tale.

Sheila’s Marriage Moment: Why Too Much Introspection is a Bad Thing

One of the conundrums of the psychotherapy industry is that the longer people are in therapy, the more the depth of their pain often is.

Incidentally, that’s why counseling that focuses on coping with a specific problem tends to be far more effective than weekly sessions to “know yourself.”

We get healthy, you see, not by looking at ourselves but by looking at God.

We get psychologically healthy not by looking deeply at ourselves but by looking at God.
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Certainly true healing can only come when we allow ourselves to see the depth of our pain, our grief, or our exhaustion. If we’re not honest about our pain, we can’t receive healing for it. But the way we look at that pain matters. Do you look only at the pain? Or do you allow God to shine His light on it, and see it in that light–the light of a God who wants to heal you, to call you to Himself, to use you for His purposes?

I have known far too many women who have said, “I’ve spent my life looking after other people, and I’m hurt. And now it’s time to work on myself.” And so they step back from their bewildered kids and their heartbroken husbands and they embark on this quest to “know themselves.”

Let’s stop it. Who are we supposed to look at?

Jesus.

Yes, you look at your pain, but without looking at it through Jesus’ eyes you don’t heal it–you stoke it.

Working on yourself involves giving your body healthy rest, giving your soul healthy relationships, and giving your heart the opportunity to heal. But sometimes we think “working on ourselves” means that we get to ignore others, abandon our responsibilities, and nurse our hurts. That’s not true! Yes, there sometimes is a time that we must step back from responsibilities because we can’t emotionally handle them. But I know far too many women who have said, “I need to work on myself because my husband hurt me so much and was such a bad father”–and then have withdrawn from family life and let that supposedly horrible man raise those kids by himself.

Working on yourself does not give you license to be selfish. In fact, if done properly, working on yourself should help you become more gracious, more confident, and more at peace, because 2 Timothy 1:7 is real in your life now:

For God did not give you the spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.

See yourself and your pain through God’s eyes, and the hurt will grow less, the power of God will grow more in your life, and your capacity to love others will expand. See your pain only through your own eyes, and you will become self-absorbed and incapable of loving others.

For the sake of your family and your children, please choose the right focus.

What’s #1 at To Love, Honor and Vacuum?

Marriage is hard work.  Sometimes bad things can happen.  Sometimes it can be difficult to find the intimacy in your relationship.  Sometimes you just don’t remember that your spouse needs to be reminded that you love them.  Check out all of what this week’s top posts have to offer for you below!

#1 NEW Post on the Blog: How One Couple Worked Through Emotional Abuse

#1 on the Blog Overall: Top 10 Tips For Initiating Sex With Your Husband 

#1 from Facebook: 25 Quick Ways To Show Your Husband Love

#2 from Pinterest: Why Do Teenagers Rebel?

Katie Has a New Video Out! See Her in the Shower

…and it’s not remotely X-rated. Though it is kinda funny:

I Made Keith talk about the time he struggled with his faith…and how I didn’t particularly help

It was for our podcast for my patrons–the people who support this site for as little as $5 a month. You get all kinds of different cool benefits as a supporter! And this weekend I’m recording a special podcast with my daughter Rebecca when I’m in Ottawa helping her with her book on why she didn’t rebel.

Check out how you can get more access to behind the scenes stuff by becoming a patron!

Have a great weekend, everybody!

The post Why Too Much Introspection Is a Bad Thing appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

Why My Mom is Moving in with Me

So my mom just sold her house. Which means that moving vans will soon be arriving on my doorstep!

I thought I’d take today and give you all a bit of a personal update into my life.

First, a story from yesterday. My daughter Katie and I have been invited to speak at the Association of Christian Women in Music and Media meeting in Burlington, about 3 hours from where I live–but on the other side of Toronto. Anyone who lives in Ontario will know the significance of that last bit. It means that if you don’t time your drive exactly right, you will end up sitting on the highway, really frustrated with the traffic.

So we left 7 hours early, shopped in Ikea for a while, hung out at a bookstore, had some food, and then went to the event. Only to find out that I got the dates wrong, and it’s actually today. We turned around and drove home (through rush hour) and now have to do it all again today!

Katie made a video about it. I’ll put it up on Facebook this weekend.

How One Couple Worked Through Emotional Abuse

Emotional abuse in marriage is always wrong.

It is not, however, always straightforward.

Sometimes emotional abuse is caused by a narcissistic, or even sociopathic, spouse. One of the most profound books I’ve ever read was Scott Peck’s People of the Lie. It was all about toxic people who are simply evil. Most evil people are married, hold down good jobs, and look respectable. But they try to control people, usually by ignoring truth and redefining reality. It makes those around them feel crazy.

It is these kinds of people who often gravitate towards positions of in churches that are very hierarchical. It is these kinds of men who gravitate towards beliefs about marriage where the husband always has the final say and the wife must submit to his wishes no matter what. It is mostly (but not exclusively) these kinds of people that Leslie Vernick was writing about in her book The Emotionally Destructive Marriage.

Other times, however, emotional abuse starts from two people in a stressful situation who don’t handle that situation well–and who start developing extremely toxic and counterproductive coping patterns.

It’s not personality disorders as much as it is a difficult stage of life.

I’ve been writing a lot lately on how to stand up to a controlling husband and how to make sure that you’re not enabling sin.

Today, though, I’d like to share a real-life story of a woman who went through emotional abuse in her marriage–and who emerged on the other side.

How one woman worked through emotional abuse in marriage--and emerged on the other side.
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 I don’t think we hear enough of these stories.

When what you’re dealing with is not a personality disorder (like narcissism) but instead negative interaction patterns, then you can get through abuse. And I think this is so important to understand, because sometimes we paint all abusive behavior as so terrible that it can never be recovered from.

Human behavior isn’t that simple.

My good friend Natalie from Visionary Womanhood has been writing a lot about walking through a marriage where narcissism is prevalent. That’s something that you can’t get through save from an extraordinary miracle from God. And I am not trying to say that those of you who are married to a narcissistic spouse should just try harder.

What I am trying to say is that it’s possible to develop really destructive interaction patterns without meaning to.

In this post, Ronni Peck, aka The Screenwriter’s Wife, shares her own journey of how emotional abuse started–and how they got out of it. And I want to highlight a few things that we can learn from her journey:

How Emotional Abuse in Marriage Starts, and Why This Blog Came to Be

Stress and job loss can do horrible things to people.

When their first child was a year old, all of a sudden her husband found himself out of a job because the company he worked for went belly up.

As month after month of unemployment passed, KP found himself struggling with purpose. His morale and self-esteem were low. He questioned himself, his writing, his dreams.

This was the starting point of her husband becoming abusive. At the same time, Ronni was feeling isolated, which made it easier for her husband to manipulate her.

We need a community to help us keep perspective.

Ronni writes:

Early on in our marriage, because I wasn’t as passionate about a particular career path as KP was of his writing dreams, it seemed a natural choice for me to leave behind my unsteady entertainment industry job for the steady income of a teaching position. After a year in a brick and mortar school, I further transitioned to a work-from-home online teaching position, a position that I enjoyed.

However, I’m already a bit of a homebody and so my social outlets gradually dwindled down only to KP’s circle of friends. I had no local friends of my own.

It was in this environment of stress and isolation that her husband started belittling her.

One of the characteristics of emotional abuse is the abuser needing to feel as if the other person is always at fault for something.

When emotional abuse stems from a feeling of inadequacy itself–as in the case of job loss–then it usually manifests itself in having to feel superior to someone else. Here’s how Ronni describes it:

No matter how our fights started, they always included KP telling me some or all of the following:

That my memory was faulty and unless I could “prove” what I thought was said in a previous conversation, that I was wrong and had no clue what I was talking about.


That everything I said was really a subtle attack against him. No matter what I tried to discuss, it was always turned around into how I was victimizing him. If I did not recognize how I was attacking him, it was because my memory and interpretation of situations were inaccurate.


That I did not keep the house clean, and never did the dishes or vacuumed or laundry, and this showed how irresponsible and lazy I was and how I didn’t care about our family.


That talking to me was like talking to a child and until I could grow up and accept responsibility for my actions (i.e. the state of the house and my attacks on him), that nothing I said was worth listening to.

Then, at some point in the argument, usually when it was at its highest convoluted peak, he’d tell me that talking to me was pointless since I was never going to change or grow up. Then he’d leave the room (and sometimes the house) and refuse to talk to me until I apologized. Which I usually did, hours or days later.

Do you see how so much of this has to do with one spouse challenging the other’s memory and interpretation of the past? It’s this constant redefining of history that is so confusing for someone walking through emotional abuse. You can never work anything out, because if you try to bring up a time you were upset, somehow the abuser turns it into “you’re remembering wrong” or “by feeling that way you’re abusing me.” Your feelings are always suspect.

Here’s how Ronni experienced it:

I questioned my own thinking, was I really misremembering situations? Was I really subtly attacking him with everything I said? I live far away from family and I had no local friends to be a sounding board to help me gauge the accuracy of my thoughts. I felt like who I was…had slowly diminished away.

Support is necessary. Boundaries, however, are too.

We need to support our spouses when they’re struggling, as I said on Monday. But you can still have boundaries which say, “when you insult me or criticize me I’m going to remove myself from the situation” without meaning that you aren’t supporting him. Boundaries are important, too, and Ronni didn’t have boundaries.

Though he was often grumpy and short with me, I knew that these actions were likely a passing phase and I wanted to be a good, supportive wife in this difficult time for him. So I put up with his moods. I tried to be extra kind and sympathetic and strong for him by willingly accepting his cranky criticisms. I figured I was giving him time to work through things, and by not putting up a fight to these early criticisms, I thought was “helping” him to come out of his funk and showing him that I’d always be by his side no matter what life brought us.

But that’s not what happened.

Instead of seeing my sympathy as a lifeline drawing us closer together, he instead capitalized on the opportunity I didn’t realize I’d given him: the opportunity to use me as an emotional whipping board.

She knew that the abusive behavior went against his basic character.

Here’s the defining difference between what Ronni went through and what someone married to a narcissist is going through: Ronni knew that this behaviour was atypical. She writes this:

During that time when our marriage was really tough and I felt so lost – I could have given up on it. A lot of other people in my shoes probably would have. But I knew my husband deep down, and I knew that he wasn’t always like this, and I knew that the good guy that I married was still in there somewhere…

I knew he could be a better man than he was showing me at that time.

How did she start rebuilding their marriage? She started enforcing her own boundaries.

But I also finally realized that I did not just have to sit there and take what he was throwing at me. I did not have to submit to his frustrations with his own life. I didn’t have to give up on him or on our marriage –but I also didn’t have to remain under his emotional control anymore either.  Even though KP may have been 85% of the problem, it wasn’t until I accepted responsibility for my 15% and stopped giving in to his emotional manipulations were we able to move toward true reconciliation as a couple.

Here’s how she explains it:

Once I started exerting more independence for myself, an interesting thing happened. KP stopped having control over my emotional state…If he started to criticize, I let the criticism roll right off me. I’d answer rationally and calmly if I needed to, but otherwise, nothing negative he said could penetrate my emotions. I told him I loved him and wanted to stay married to him, but I wasn’t going to do this fighting thing anymore. I was over it… In a way, it seemed like I became more cold with him, but in reality, I was acknowledging that my emotions were not affected by him anymore.

And slowly, but surely, things started changing between us. Once KP realized that he couldn’t get that emotional rise out of me, he had no reason to continue pushing.

She stopped “the dance”.

Stop participating in the emotionally abusive 'dance' in your marriage if you want real change!
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I’ve heard this back-and-forth emotional argument called “the dance” by some therapists. He pushes that button, you respond by doing this, that in turn causes something else, and so on, and so on.

But if you refuse to dance–if you don’t respond to it–then it can, over time, end some of the behavior. You just don’t participate anymore.

Ronni has written another lengthy post on how to recover from a difficult marriage, and it includes such things as becoming committed to the marriage; finding a third party to talk to; believing the best; trying to find the win-win–all things we talk about on this blog. And she and her husband have emerged from that really trying time, and she even asked her husband to write some of the post on emotional abuse.

I wanted to share that today to give some of you hope that marriage can get better.

If you’ve been through something like this, let me know in the comments: how did you stop “the dance”? Or how do you know the difference between a narcissist and someone just going through a really difficult stage of life?

 

The post How One Couple Worked Through Emotional Abuse appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

10 Simple Ways to Put Sexy Back into Your Marriage

Does your marriage feel “sexy”? Or does it feel “safe”? “Routine”? “Boring”?

There’s nothing wrong with safe. There’s nothing even wrong with routine! But let’s face it: sometimes you just want to get sexy back again.

Note: This post contains some affiliate links.

In those early days of marriage, we likely felt the relationship was “sexy” because we made an effort. We shaved our legs. We took care of ourselves. We pulled out all the lingerie we were given at that bridal shower or bachelorette party.

Then, in the months or years since, maybe your relationship has revolved far less around sex and feeling excited by each other and far more around kids and bills and logistics and just getting through this next day. And you realize you’ve got this great guy–but you also don’t feel super excited by him anymore.

Everything has just gotten, well, boring.

But you can bring sexy back!

I’m not talking about how to be more adventurous in bed or how to spice things up–though these things are important, too! I’m not even talking about flirting with your husband. Today I just want to talk about everyday things you can do and habits you can put in place to keep that “sexy” vibe front and centre in your relationship, rather than relegating it to somewhere deep in the basement, in a box behind the furnace, that you just pull out when emergency strikes.

So today, for top 10 Tuesday, I present to you 10 things to bring sexy back to your marriage!

10 ways to bring sexy back to your marriage! #marriagetip
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Let’s engage the senses–and let’s start with sight!

1. Wear pretty panties. And match the bra!

Last year, while on an RV trip with my hubby, I realized that I had forgotten to pack underwear. So we went to Wal-Mart and I bought one of those 10-packs of women’s underwear.

But I didn’t realize those particular panties came up to the belly button.

I have never felt so unsexy in my life.

Don’t wear ugly panties.

Seriously, ladies, when pretty panties are so readily available, take advantage! And, if you’re able, buy a matching bra. Or here’s what I do: for each bra that I own, I choose one panty that’s expensive that matches, and two much cheaper versions that coordinate well. And then I’m always wearing an “outfit”! And I’m sure to parade around the bedroom in it in the morning so Keith knows what’s underneath the clothes today.

So rummage through your underwear drawer and throw out all the ugly stuff. Go do it now. And then pick up some pretty stuff!

Bonus: Get a swimsuit that makes you feel sexy. I love Modcloth’s vintage two-piece suits. Some are quite modest, and I think they’re really attractive and hide a multitude of stretch marks.

2. Grab something handy!

Speaking of clothing, start thinking of sexy things you can do with guy’s clothing, too. Sure, a woman feels better in pretty underwear. But you know what’s sexy on a guy? A tie. Get creative! Grab that tie and pull him towards you into a kiss. Run the tie along your body, as if it’s an extension of him (and he’ll wish it were!).

What if he doesn’t wear a tie? Well, does he have a belt? Hook your fingers in it and pull him towards you (using the buckle right above the crotch). If he wears a toolbelt, grab a tool and use it to drag him towards you. Help him to associate different items of clothing that he wears to work with flirting with you!

3. Flash him.

You’re allowed to be an exhibitionist for your husband. Add a bit of excitement by trying to flash him at least once a day. When you’re walking around your bedroom, open up your robe. Hike your skirt up in the car (if you’re on a deserted road!). Even cuddle under a blanket naked (or topless!) to watch a movie.

4. Wear a flirty apron

Seriously, aprons are sexy! I think it’s because they’re the ultimate in feminine. And when I wear an apron when I cook–well, I just feel like a woman. And that’s important!

Flirty Aprons sells a sugar & spice apron which is seriously sexy. And you can buy men’s aprons (Kiss the Cook or CAUTION: Extremely Hot) for Father’s Day, too!

Now let’s work on another sense: hearing.

5. Have sexy, breathless conversations

There is something ever-so-sexy about whispering. Maybe it’s the breath in the ear even more than what’s being said, but try, every time you hug your husband, to whisper something sexy, even if it’s just “I love feeling your arms around me” or “I missed you today!” Don’t say it; whisper it!

And what about scent?

6. Add some sexy scents to your bedroom

Did you know that essential oils can boost your libido? Seriously, scent does a lot to help us to feel sexy!

So choose some essential oils (I’ve got ideas at this post) and add a few drops to a spritzer mixed with vodka & water and spray it on your pillow at night. Put a few drops on a candle. Or better still, get a diffuser for your bedroom!

7. Move all kid stuff out of your bathroom–and move cologne & great smelling lotions in!

If you and your husband have your own bathroom, rather than sharing it with your kids, then let it stay your bathroom! Get any kid paraphernalia out of there. And move in some candles (to deal with any unpleasant smell

Reader Question: How Do I Help My Struggling Husband?

How do you help a husband who struggles with depression?

Every Monday I like to post a reader question and take a stab at answering it. And today’s question is about how to encourage your husband when you can’t seem to reach him because you’re scared he’s depressed. A reader writes:

My husband is a good man who is struggling. He feels isolated and unloved in our church even though he is an elder. He feels constantly criticized, and sees criticism as an entirely negative thing. In fact, he seems to see most things in a negative light these days, and while he seemed to be the life of the church a few years ago and very loved, he has withdrawn a lot and now I think is becoming more genuinely isolated. Both my pastor and I (the people who know him best spiritually) have separately told him he has problems with aggression and taking things too personally, but he vehemently disagrees, and thinks all his pain is other people’s fault. We have also suggested he may be suffering from depression, or should see a counsellor, but that also upset him as he felt we were trying to blame him. He now feels so alienated that he wants to leave our church, which I love.

I’ve just now found all your warnings about enabling and am worried I’ve been doing this. I’ve often told him I thought he was wrong, to the point that he feels I’m unsupportive, but have always done it as gently as possible and have sometimes ignored issues out of fear of conflict.

I’m afraid if I give him a really hard time he will feel completely alone. And I know his pain is real, even if he has made mistakes, so it’s really difficult knowing how to offer consolation along with an opportunity for change. He’s a loving husband and father, a good elder and leader, theologically astute and principled. Just struggling.

Great question! Let’s take a stab at it today.

I’m going to give some random thoughts that may or may not be relevant for the letter writer, since we don’t know a lot of the background (what behavior really worries her? Does he erupt in anger? Is the aggression at home too? Has he simply become silent? What’s his work life like?). Let’s start with if the problem really is dangerous:

If there is danger involved, you need to get help.

I’m not sure what’s really happening here, but if the aggression she’s noticing means that she or the kids don’t feel safe at home, then this woman really needs to get some help. And if you ever feel in danger, please call the police.

But perhaps you feel that he is a danger to himself. Maybe he’s getting so depressed that you’re worried he may hurt himself. Or maybe he’s getting so down that it’s affecting his ability to hold a job. In this letter writer’s case, the fact that her husband seems to feel persecuted could very well be a sign of mental illness.

In that case, he may require some medication. Sometimes mental illnesses crop up and we don’t identify them that way because it seems as if there may be other explanations for the mood swings or personality changes.

Talk to him frankly about going to see the doctor. Have a friend or family member talk to him with you, if necessary. Insist that you’re not saying he’s a bad person or that he’s crazy, but that you hate to see him suffering when there may be a solution. Ask him to do this as a favour to you.

Mental illness is far more common that we think, and it usually takes people completely by surprise. If you think your husband is suffering from this, and he won’t get help, reach out to some support groups or see your physician and ask for advice on what to do and what warning signs to look for.

But let’s assume now that it’s NOT mental illness. Then what could the problem be?

Church Boards Can Be Toxic Places

My husband served on a church board once. Before he went on the board we thought the church was actually quite healthy.

Then he saw up close and personal how churches are often run. That board spent two years debating something which Keith felt was so inanely stupid. I was a praise team leader, and they were debating whether it was okay for me, as a female, to lead the congregation in prayer (“God, we come before you this morning to worship you. To praise you. Let the concerns of the week float away as we look upon Your face”). And whether, when I would read a Bible verse between songs (“Better is one day in your courts then thousands elsewhere”) and offer a commentary (“Let’s enter into His courts today”) I was therefore preaching.

He fought hard. People started to ostracize him. The meetings went later and later, and he’d often come home after midnight. It was exhausting.

He saw how the board treated the pastor. He saw how there were bullies on the board.

And when Keith finally won that fight (after two years), he declined serving another term.

Sometimes serving on a church board can be a really toxic experience.
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We left that church a few years later.

He has since been asked to be on more boards. He has always said no. He just find that church boards think too small, and we can get more done for the kingdom by spending our energies outside the church walls. It seriously wasn’t good for his mental health.

I know some people have to serve on boards, and perhaps, if we were ever part of a really healthy church and the other people on the board were healthy, Keith may say yes again. But I understand how church boards can chew people up and spit them out.

It took a few years after stepping down off of that board for Keith to become himself again. He went through the darkest period of his faith because he questioned so much of church life after seeing it behind the scenes. Perhaps, then, our letter writer’s husband simply needs to get off of the church board.

It took years after stepping off the church board for my husband to become himself again...
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There’s a difference between struggling and sin.

I do believe in not enabling sin. If the husband is throwing temper tantrums or acting really aggressively at home, this is a real concern.

But I also know that God looks at the heart, and in this case perhaps the problem is not a sinful heart issue as much as it is a wounded or broken heart issue.

If you read the Psalms, they’re often David just weeping and crying out to God. Perhaps sometimes David is blowing things out of proportion. But after years of being chased and being attacked, he sees the world in such a negative light.

God was so patient with David, and God knew that He was struggling.

Personally, I think that when anxiety, depression, and anger flow from toxic experiences, it isn’t a character issue as much as it is an issue of brokenness and woundedness that needs to be healed, and God does want to heal that. Our role, then, is not to try to change a character issue in our husbands as much as it is to step back so God can work.

Sometimes healing from brokenness, though, takes time.

He has to fully grieve what he’s lost, and he seems to have lost his personality here and his outlook on life. For whatever reason he’s become really disillusioned.

My husband had to struggle and wrestle with God for a few years before he was able to pray and rejoice again. And my job during that time was not to attack him for doubting and not to force him to talk to me about it, but just to pray alongside him. He did come through it, because God carried him.

Stay a safe place for him.

When your husband struggles with doubt or depression, are you a safe place for him?
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If your husband is walking through a time where he is struggling with his faith, are you a safe place where he can talk about his doubts? Or do you try to convince him why his doubts are invalid? Can he talk to you without incurring your judgment? Can you step back enough to let him process his thoughts, knowing that he’s safe in God’s hands?

My husband is an extrovert, which means that he processes things by talking about them out loud. I think one of the reasons his period of doubt took so long was because he didn’t talk about these things because he didn’t want to worry me. If I had done a better job of being a sounding board, perhaps he could have talked through things more.

In this case, her husband says he wants to try a new church, but the letter writer loves their current one. If your husband is hurting that much in that church, perhaps he knows more of what’s going on than you do. Please support him in this and agree to go. It sounds like he really needs it.

Let him know that you support him

Most men will go through times, often lasting several years, where they struggle with anxiety or depression because of church life, because of their jobs, or because of family. It’s quite common. At some point in your marriage, you’re likely to go through this.

So what do we do during those times?

We can try to tell them all the reasons why they should feel the way they feel (which is extremely unhelpful and often belittling), or we can help them process things and work through their feelings.

My husband has a line he likes to always say at marriage conferences to the guys:

A psychiatrist asks a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for free.

Can you just ask your husband questions, without trying to change him? Things like:

How did that make you feel?
Why do you think that person reacted that way?
What do you feel that God is saying in this situation?
That must have really hurt you. Have you ever felt hurt like that before? Has that hurt reminded you of something else?
What do you think would have been a better way for them to have handled that?
What do you wish you had said then?
What would it take to get this situation to change?
Is there value in keeping fighting, or is it time to make a change?

Just ask questions that will help him dig deeper and process things. And maybe your husband’s time in the wilderness won’t last too much longer!

Read more about what to do when your husband struggles with faith here.

I’m not sure if that’s a lot of help, because I really don’t know if the problem with this letter writer is connected to the church board, is related more to unhealthy anger or aggression, or is a symptom of mental illness. But the big thought that I wanted to give to you all today is to let ourselves be safe places for our husbands when they are struggling. Not all doubt and anger and sadness is sin. Some is just disillusionment and disappointment and doubt, and these things need to be worked through. Be his ally during this time, and don’t attack him. Maybe the reason that God chose you as your husband’s wife is for just a time as this!

Let me know in the comments: have you ever had to help your husband through a period where he was struggling? What made it better? What made it worse? Let’s talk!

The post Reader Question: How Do I Help My Struggling Husband? appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

Can You See Your Body as Your Friend?

Can you truly believe that your body is your friend?

On Monday I wrote a long post asking you all to help me synthesize something–how do we talk about body image, weight, beauty, and health in a good way? On the one hand we know that our culture puts way too much emphasis on a particular body shape, and God looks to the heart. But on the other hand, doesn’t appearance matter at least a little? And what about health?

I found the comments there really interesting, and after mulling them over I think I’ve found my synthesis! So since every Friday I write a quick 400-word “Marriage Moment”, I thought today I’d share what I learned.

Sheila’s Marriage Moment: Treating Your Body Like Your Friend

How many of you look in the mirror and feel like weeping? You hate shopping for jeans because nothing ever fits right. You do your best not to think about anything below the neck throughout the day. When you sit down on the toilet (let’s face it, we all do this), all you see is the rolls of fat.

You’re angry at all the jiggling. You wish you could remove all the mirrors from the bathroom.

When making love, it’s hard to enjoy it when you know your body looks nothing like the pictures of the old you in the wedding photos.

You’ve tried starving yourself (that didn’t last long). You took Lent as an excuse to quit chocolate, but you ended up raiding Haagen Dazs vanilla instead.

If that’s you, I’d say you’re the typical woman. You beat yourself up over your body.

But isn’t that the mindset of someone who sees her body as her enemy? If your body is your enemy, then your goal is to conquer it. You’ll always be at war–with yourself. That sets you up for a lifetime of hatred, failure, and even ingratitude. And hatred of self rarely led to a successful weight loss strategy.

What if there were another way? What if God wants us to see our bodies as precious and wonderful–as our friends?

If we were to treat our body as our friend, what would we do?

First, we wouldn’t hide from it. We’d be thankful for what it could give us without expecting more than it can give. We wouldn’t berate and lecture our friend; we’d encourage and cheer it on! We’d want the best for it, which means that we would feed it well, give it what it really needs, and exercise it.

We’d want others to enjoy our friend, too, so we would show off our friend in the best possible light. We would dress it well, not drown it in oversized, baggy clothes. We would be proud to be seen with our friend.

And we’d enjoy living life with our friend! We’d kick the soccer ball around with our kids. We’d stretch and lift weights and be amazed at how awesome our friend is. We’d cheer her on to get even better! And we wouldn’t condemn our friend to have no sex life until our friend shaped up; we would want our friend to live life to the fullest, right now, where she was.

Can you do that? Can you see your body as your friend rather than your enemy? Your body is an intrinsic part of you, and I truly believe that the more you can be grateful for and embrace your body in a healthy way, the more you can start living life to the fullest. And that, I think, is what God wants from us.

Our bodies shouldn't be enemies to conquer but instead friends to enjoy and treat well!
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What’s #1 at To Love, Honor and Vacuum?

We almost had all #1’s this week…but then one of the Tops is from this week and the other is a repeat of one already on this week’s list!  No matter what though, these Top Posts are worth the read as we look at some great questions and tips on sex in marriage.

#1 NEW Post on the Blog: A 2+2 Way To Make Sex In Marriage Better

#1 on the Blog Overall: Top 10 Tips For Initiating Sex With Your Husband 

#2 from Facebook: Is It Okay To Schedule Sex?

#3 from Pinterest: 16 Ways To Flirt With Your Husband (I’ve got to remind myself to do some of these!)

When the Cough Just Won’t Go Away…

So I’ve had one of those weeks where I’m sort of sick but sort of not. I have this cough and sore throat that won’t go away. I had to cancel a few radio interviews because I was croaking. And I’m sleeping in a different room from my husband because I’m coughing all night! But I honestly don’t feel that ill. It’s a little annoying. And it meant I didn’t get done some of the things I wanted to get done this week. Oh, well.

I’m Rather Nostalgic Today

Today is my grandfather’s birthday. Now, he’s not with us anymore (he would have been 107; he passed away 12 years ago); but I always think of him on June 10.

I wrote a post a few years ago about the spiritual heritage from him that I only found out about after he passed away. I updated the pictures yesterday, so take a look!

Anyway, the short form of the story is this: I always knew that my mom came from a long line of Christians and preachers. But my dad wasn’t overly religious and neither was my grandfather when I was a child (he came back to God when he was older), so I always assumed that his side of my genealogy was rather secular.

Then, on what would have been his hundredth birthday, I took a look at the family Bible.

I still think of my great-great-grandmother who must have prayed so hard in heaven right now, looking down on us. And I wonder what she thinks! Sometimes faith skips a generation, but the heritage is still there.

And that spiritual heritage keeps going, down the generations…

So happy birthday, Poppa!

Are You Signed Up for My Marriage Newsletter?

24,000 people are. And June’s newsletter started going out yesterday and will finish on Monday (it’s going out in batches to test something this weekend!).

It’s a great way to make sure you don’t miss any of the best posts on the blog, but it also highlights some older posts you may not have seen.

Each month I show the four best marriage posts, and the three best reader questions, and then I highlight 4-6 older posts on a certain theme. This month I chose how to make sex feel great!

Check out the newsletter here (and you can subscribe at the same place!)

Have a wonderful weekend!

And let’s talk in the comments: What kind of spiritual heritage do you have/not have? And what would it look like to treat your body as your friend?

 

The post Can You See Your Body as Your Friend? appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

Why “20 Minutes of Action” Can Steal a Life

Like many of you, I’ve been sickened by the story of the Stanford swimmer who sexually assaulted an unconscious woman, and received only 6 months in jail.

And especially sickened by his father’s letter to the judge, asking the judge to consider the boy’s “20 years of life” rather than “20 minutes of action”. After all, what’s twenty minutes?

When I read the victim’s 7000 word statement, I was cheering all the way.

So today, while I’m still a little under the weather and I’m having all these deep thoughts, I’d like to share a few things that have occurred to me.

3 Things I Learned from The Stanford Sexual Assault's Survivor's Letter:
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1. Rape Culture Can Make Rape Seem Not That Bad

Don’t take this the wrong way, but I have a little bit of sympathy for Brock Turner. Not sympathy in the sense of “he could have had such a good life” or “it’s too bad he’s getting all this media attention”, but rather sympathy because all Brock did was live out what he had been taught.

That doesn’t lessen his moral culpability, by the way. It’s just that I can totally picture an 18-year-old growing up in an affluent family where the parents bend themselves backwards for him, and growing up in our pornographic culture which makes violent sex seem normal, getting drunk one night and doing this.

It doesn’t mean I think he’s not responsible.

It’s just that he is the epitome of what we have created.

We have created entitled kids. We have filled the internet with porn which normalizes sexual violence (one of the big effects of porn is that rape is seen as “not that big of a deal”).  We have rap music which celebrates rape. We have a college culture which brags about promiscuity.

And so one night he gets drunk, she gets drunk, and he does this.

Note, too: The alcohol is not to blame. Alcohol does not turn us into different people. Alcohol only lowers our inhibitions, so that we’re more likely to do the things we may want to but would never do in polite company. Millions of people get drunk every night in North America without raping anybody. His own conscience was the deciding factor, not the alcohol.

I think we live in a culture where rape is somehow seen as normal. Think about it: 50 Shades of Grey turns what is arguably sexual violence into something that is erotic. The fastest selling sex toys today are things that are supposed to inflict pain (or at least mimic something that causes pain). Sex acts that are depicted most often in pornography are not acts which are mutually satisfying but instead acts which are objectifying and degrading.

We have lost the beauty of sex and made objectification of the other person normal.

So in all of that culture, is it any wonder that the dad can look at the fact that his son dragged an unconscious woman behind a dumpster, cut her up with pine needles, shoved something inside of her, and then say it was only “20 minutes of action”?

Tragically, it’s not. And in her letter, the survivor (I like that word better; let’s call her that) wrote so eloquently about the emotional trauma that she has experienced since–the sleepless nights, the crying fits, the fear to sleep in the dark. Something precious was stolen from her.

And I know that so many of you who come here everyday have something like this in your background. It may have been sexual abuse as a child. It may have been date rape. It may have been some other form of sexual assault. But your ability to trust and to see sex as something positive has been severely damaged. In her letter where she’s addressing Brock, she writes:

My independence, natural joy, gentleness, and steady lifestyle I had been enjoying became distorted beyond recognition. I became closed off, angry, self deprecating, tired, irritable, empty. The isolation at times was unbearable. You cannot give me back the life I had before that night either. While you worry about your shattered reputation, I refrigerated spoons every night so when I woke up, and my eyes were puffy from crying, I would hold the spoons to my eyes to lessen the swelling so that I could see. I showed up an hour late to work every morning, excused myself to cry in the stairwells, I can tell you all the best places in that building to cry where no one can hear you…

I can’t sleep alone at night without having a light on, like a five year old, because I have nightmares of being touched where I cannot wake up, I did this thing where I waited until the sun came up and I felt safe enough to sleep. For three months, I went to bed at six o’clock in the morning.

I used to pride myself on my independence, now I am afraid to go on walks in the evening, to attend social events with drinking among friends where I should be comfortable being. I have become a little barnacle always needing to be at someone’s side, to have my boyfriend standing next to me, sleeping beside me, protecting me. It is embarrassing how feeble I feel, how timidly I move through life, always guarded, ready to defend myself, ready to be angry.

I think many could relate to that.

2. And Yet…And Yet…There is Healing from Sexual Assault

I called this post “How 20 Minutes of Action Can Steal a Life”. I didn’t call it “How 20 Minutes of Action WILL Steal a Life.” Yes, rape and sexual assault CAN define you and CAN cause tremendous harm that will last a lifetime.

But I don’t think it has to.

I can’t write this as a sexual abuse survivor because, thank God, I am not one. I have endured many things, but that was not one of them. And so I want to write very carefully now because I know that I haven’t walked in those shoes, and I am very sensitive to the fact that I can’t really imagine what it is like. So please forgive me if I am being presumptuous.

Let me raise a different scenario, totally separate from rape: I have held the dead body of my son.

Many people will tell you that losing a child will haunt you your whole life and you never recover from it.

Again, I don’t think that needs to be true.

What I have learned is that there is healing in Christ. Healing doesn’t mean that you forget that it happened or that the grief goes away. Healing, I find, is in the ability to recognize “this is a part of who I am now” but that part does not mean I can’t function well in real life. I can still be sad. I can still grieve. But I am also able to live the rest of my life to the fullest.

That is what healing is–looking into the reality and depth of the hurt, seeing the truth of God and the truth of eternity in that hurt, and then being able to walk forward with the hurt. You don’t deny it or hide it. You shine God’s very strong light onto it, and see it as God sees it.

In the case of sexual assault, you see that Jesus grieves, too. You see that God promises that there will be justice. You see that God says your hurts do not define you; God’s love and grace define you. You see that no matter what happens in this life, God can give you a super-natural peace that will follow you into the next life–and that you can even experience joy in Him because you know that this life is not all there is, and that God wants to do an amazing thing even in this weakness.

I hope that you all can experience that, and if you’re not there yet, please ask someone to pray with you or, better still, see a counselor. God put is in the body of Christ so that we could help each other!

3. You Don’t Need Your Abuser’s Confession to Heal

The third thing that really hit me is something I got from the survivor’s letter: She was so obviously hoping for closure, which would come when he admitted what he did. First, she hoped that he would admit it so they wouldn’t have to go to trial; he didn’t. Then she hoped she would admit it at the trial; he didn’t. Then she hoped he would admit and acknowledge it after the trial in his statement; he still didn’t, apologizing only for getting drunk.

Listen to what she says when she’s addressing him in her letter:

Lastly, you said: I want to show people that one night of drinking can ruin a life.

A life, one life, yours, you forgot about mine. Let me rephrase for you, I want to show people that one night of drinking can ruin two lives. You and me. You are the cause, I am the effect. You have dragged me through this hell with you, dipped me back into that night again and again. You knocked down both our towers, I collapsed at the same time you did. If you think I was spared, came out unscathed, that today I ride off into sunset, while you suffer the greatest blow, you are mistaken. Nobody wins. We have all been devastated, we have all been trying to find some meaning in all of this suffering. Your damage was concrete; stripped of titles, degrees, enrollment. My damage was internal, unseen, I carry it with me. You took away my worth, my privacy, my energy, my time, my safety, my intimacy, my confidence, my own voice, until today.

She then goes on to talk about how he was the guilty one; he assaulted her. And she says very powerfully:

You are guilty. Twelve jurors convicted you guilty of three felony counts beyond reasonable doubt, that’s twelve votes per count, thirty ­six yeses confirming guilt, that’s one hundred percent, unanimous guilt. And I thought finally it is over, finally he will own up to what he did, truly apologize, we will both move on and get better. Then I read your statement.

If you are hoping that one of my organs will implode from anger and I will die, I’m almost there. You are very close. This is not a story of another drunk college hook­up with poor decision making. Assault is not an accident. Somehow, you still don’t get it. Somehow, you still sound confused.

I don’t know if Brock Turner will ever get over his confusion and understand the gravity of what he did. I don’t know if he will ever apologize for real.

Yet it sounds like that is what she was really hoping for. And isn’t that the cry of every victim? “If only he will see what he did to me.” If he gets it, then the the person who objectified you will now see you as a person, too.

But while it’s helpful for healing, it can’t be necessary.

If someone hurt you in the past, do not rely on that person acknowledging it to bring about your healing.

If you have been abused, do not rely on an abuser's apology for healing. God can do it alone.
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My father leaving hurt me terribly. I always hoped that he would somehow “get” it and we could have a real conversation about it. He now has Alzheimer’s. That hope is gone. And I’m honestly okay with that, because I learned a long time ago that the fact that my father doesn’t understand what he did does not reflect on me as a person. My identity is in Christ. My father did not take my identity away, and so he does not have the power to give it back. Only God does.

If you are still waiting for your abuser to “get it”, then you are still giving your abuser power over you.

Waiting for your abuser to apologize? Then you're still giving your abuser power over you.
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If someone hurt you, they took something from you, yes. But if you understand that your identity is in Christ, then you don’t need that person’s acknowledgment to give you back your strength, your power, your courage. You can find that in God.

And I truly, from the bottom of my heart, hope and pray that you all do.

Those are the thoughts I’ve had this week as I’ve read the letters and the news reports and the outrage. I hope they are helpful. And, as I sit here coughing and wishing that this cold would go away, I’d love to know what you think, too. Does any of that resonate? Or did you have other thoughts about the trial? Let’s talk in the comments!

The post Why “20 Minutes of Action” Can Steal a Life appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

A 2+2 Way to Make Sex In Marriage Work Better!

Can a formula or routine help you to have a better sex life?

It’s Wednesday, the day when we always talk marriage (and often sex)! And today I want to share with you a post sent to me by Dani from Whimsy in My Cup about how she and her husband manage to prioritize their sex life. I think it’s great fuel for discussion!

The simple truth is that sometimes (often!) life gets busy. And Dani says that instead of waiting for the perfect conditions to make love, you have to create those conditions and work to a goal. Interesting.

I know what she means about how life gets busy–I’m still sick (seriously, I sound awful), but my internet is back up, so my mood is much better! So that’s the update on me. Now here’s Dani:

My husband and I have been married nearly 19 years. We now have four daughters – three teenagers and a toddler. But just a blink ago, my husband and I were in a different season. It was the season of three toddler girls running around the house. Many of you know exactly the season I’m referring too! Maybe you’re in it right now.

As a parent, the infant/toddler season is probably one of the most physically exhausting stages of your kids’ lives but at the same time, one of the most rewarding.

It’s when you have a handful of toddlers running around that you realize if your marriage is going to get any attention, you’re going to have to be intentional about making it happen. Because toddlers are wearying and babies are time-consuming. And if you aren’t careful, you can end up neglecting THE most important relationship in life – the one of you and your husband.

So, it was while my husband and I were in this season that I developed the 2+2 theory.

We all have needs and men’s and women’s needs are vastly different. I love that the Creator did such a seemingly odd thing by creating us so different. It definitely takes the dull out of life but it can also actually make life incredibly pressurized.

We often don’t understand each other at first try and unless we chose to learn this life dance, we can end up hurt, broken and empty. But if we chose to take the journey of growing and discovering ‘who this person is’, we can live complete, fulfilled and abounding. When life seems to be pulling farther than you can be stretched, we have to protect the most important relationship – our marriage.

Experts say that a healthy man needs sex about every 3 days.

(Seriously, girls, he NEEDS it!) Being a woman AND a mother, I know that, though I really enjoy sex, what I need is to feel like a fully alive, beautiful, confident woman – not just a mommy – or I can start feeling like sex is just another task to add to my to-do list and there ends up being no enjoyment in an act that God designed for pleasure and beautiful intimacy.

For both of these needs to be met in our marriage, God gave me this 2 + 2 thought. And though, I’m the last person to want to establish a rule or be ‘religious’ about something, this practical wisdom really helped my husband and I stay connected through a wonderful but wearying season of life and marriage. And this little theory continues to be at the heart of my vision for a healthy marriage.

So, what is the 2 + 2 theory?

The first 2 is sex twice a week. Plain and simple. This meets the God-given need in man for physical intimacy. Girls, this means being ready and willing – even initiating a time of intimacy with your husband… twice a week.

The second 2 is 2 hours a week of vacation time for mama. It’s important that she can remember the fact that before ‘mommy’, she is ‘woman’. That 2 hours is used in whatever rejuvenates her in a healthy way. Alone time, friend time, workout time, coffee time, shopping time, pampering time… It’s about her finding the sexy woman her husband sees and being comfortable being her and not just mom.

Boost your SEX LIFE with the 2+2 Theory! It will transform your marriage:
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If you feel drained from parenthood or even just an extra full season in life, if your marriage seems to be stale or even suffering, I’d challenge you to try this little theory. Be intentional about growing and thriving in the most important relationship you have on earth!

Dani Stroda blogs at Whimsy in My Cup and is a regular contributor for For View From Home. She released her first book, “Journey Through the Door”, last fall. It is available on Amazon and at revivalrevolution.life. Dani is passionate about empowering women to live healthy, whole and free in life and relationships. Besides her relationship with the Lord, Dani’s biggest obsession is her family – she has been married for 19 years to Mitch and has 4 daughters, ages 17, 15, 12 and 4. You can follow Dani on Facebook and Instagram!

So what do you think, ladies? I like that the 2+2 doesn’t have to be a maximum, it can be a minimum! So it’s not really a formula–it’s just saying that “we need to do at least this”. Let’s talk in the comments!

Marriage isn't supposed to be blah!


Sex is supposed to be stupendous--physically, emotionally, AND spiritually.

If it's not, get The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex--and find out what you've been missing.

The post A 2+2 Way to Make Sex In Marriage Work Better! appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.