Sheila Wray Gregoire's Blog, page 160

Top 10 Artsy Date Night Ideas–Even if You’re Not That Artsy!

Have date nights become blah? Do you yearn for something out of the ordinary?

Well, today I’ve got some creative date night ideas that will inspire the artist in  you (even if you don’t really have one. )

Crystal Parker is an artist and a homeschooler, and today she joins us for Top 10 Tuesday with some awesome ideas for fun “artsy” date nights!

Here’s Crystal:

Your husband loves you and loves spending time with you! Take the load off him with these fun artistic dates you’ll both love!

All ten dates are man approved.

Here’s the story. I’m artistic, but my hubby–well he appreciates the arts, but for the present time he’s not exactly artistic. I like artistic dates. Him, well… he just likes dates. Me. Him. Together. Having fun. Then turning in for a pleasant snuggle. We’ve been on plenty of artistic dates, night time art festivals, painting together, you know!

Then there was the time we decided to visit the central art gallery with two toddlers… the day I went into labour with my third! You know, I actually knew I was going into labour on the way out the door. But we’d planned it for days and I really, really wanted to go… so I progressed through the first stage walking around the gallery pushing a double stroller! True story.

I want to give you some fun crazy date ideas your husband will love that you won’t find anywhere else. These are not go to the gallery with the kids type dates. These are the unforgettable ones!

10 Unforgettable Date Night Ideas to Inspire the Artist in You:
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Before I reveal these unforgettable dates, I want to share with you what men say it takes to make a good date from a husband’s perspective. I interviewed two men: my Hubby and my Dad.

I asked: “What makes a date good from a husband’s perspective?

Hubby said,

Having something fun to do together with a clear idea of what you’re doing, that’s not too complicated. It’s nice to have an alternative to watching a movie, because if the movie’s no good the date’s not as fun. It’s nice to not have to rely on a movie.

Dad said,

When there’s no pressure. The problem with a date that’s full of pressure is no matter what you do you’re bound to fail. If it’s a date you can’t fail at, that’s good. Whatever you do make it so the man feels as if he’s been a success, the woman has enjoyed the date and he hasn’t been a failure. If you make him a success he’ll do it again. If you make him a failure the next time he’ll come kicking and screaming! A man likes to win.

Ten artistic dates that are better than a movie and are guaranteed winners!
Four artistic dates staying in:
1. Quick abstract life paintings.

This is one where you both take your clothes off! Make sure the kids are asleep or better yet out of the house. Crank the heat up!

Make sure you have: canvases, bright colored paints, a disposable tablecloth to catch paint drops and a bottle of wine. Take turns being the model and the artist. Make it quick and fun; a long laborious painting is no fun for the model!

Use large, abstract, full arm strokes with a large brush and lots of fun colors. Analogous color schemes are easy on the eyes, complimentary color schemes are exciting. You don’t have to keep the paintings, but if you intend to then pick a color scheme you’ll enjoy.

2. Body art with face paints.

You don’t need professional body paints to do body art, kids face paints are good enough! Think of it like temporary tattoos but ten times as fun. This one you can do in the privacy of your bedroom!

Keep it small and simple you don’t want something that’s going to take forever to wash off. On the chest or back. Men like things like claws, sharks and tigers… so make sure you don’t paint a butterfly on your hubby’s shoulder! Let him paint a butterfly in the small of your back, he’ll enjoy that.

If you take pictures to document the date… please for the love of your children; nothing showing! You can close out the date with a nice together shower.

3. Mural night… surprise the kids.

Are your kids still young enough to want princesses or superheroes painted on their bedroom wall? Does hubby enjoy bonding over projects?

To make a date of it: don’t tell the kids what you’re planning! Send them off to someone’s house for a sleepover and make it a total surprise!

Not confident enough to design a mural? No problem just get a stencil kit… lots of fun and so easy. Order pizza, crank the music and have a painting party!

4. I’m going to rip the clothes right off you! Literally.

This is a completely outrageous and hilarious date night that will make you laugh for years! I didn’t come up with this one. Definitely get the kids out of the house!

Get a large roll of paper and some tape. Then make clothes for each other… revealing clothes, maybe?

The point is when you’re done you get to tear the other person’s clothes off! And nothing is harmed or hurt! The advantage is you start naked and you end naked… there’s no downside. Only the brave!

Six artistic date nights going out:
5. The photo shoot!

You dress up fabulous, but he doesn’t. Then have photo shoots in public places around town. Everyone will think you’re a model and he’s your photographer!

As long as you’re not shy it’s great fun! You can laugh together about everyone wondering what is that about. It works better with a good camera, you can always rent one. Even better as a group date!

 

6. Nature photography hike.

He will enjoy the hike and the quiet time together. You should pick the level of intensity to fit you and your husband’s fitness levels.

Set out with a theme of what you want to photograph, for example wildflowers creating a photographic bouquet, birds, trees, squirrels, etc.

Pack a picnic lunch in a backpack for a really great time!

(Sheila says: This is one my husband and I do all the time! We love taking hikes, and Keith’s a great photographer!)

 

7. People watching and sketching.

Go to a public place and people watch and sketch. You should both have sketchpads and pencils. You won’t have time to sketch entire people… just little bits like pigtails or funny jackets. The fun part is comparing drawings and asking, “did you pick out that person… did you notice!”

Talk. Do sketches. Laugh at each other’s sketches, it’s a casual and fun date. Toss the sketch pads or keep them when you’re done. It’s all about the experience not the end result!

8. Drive to an intimate local gallery.

The drive is the main part of the date to the man, when you talk and relax. Pick a small gallery twenty to thirty minutes away. A small gallery means you can enjoy the whole place without spending so long that your husband gets bored.

Buy some small things to support the gallery. After you can get drinks and snacks somewhere new!

9. Beach art.

Go to a beach with large rocks and build a large inuit rock sculpture. Beaches are always fun, but building something together makes for a memorable date.

A rock sculpture is especially satisfying to a man because it requires him to lift large rocks demonstrating his strength and feeling strong. Take pictures of him carrying rocks and tell him how strong he is! He’ll really enjoy this date!

10. Car show calendar.

My father always loved antique car shows, and now thanks to him so does my hubby. I don’t mind, I spent many happy childhood days attending them with my Dad. Here’s a fun way to make a car show really fun for both of you in an artistic way!

Dress up beforehand like a 50-60’s model and take a camera for your husband. At the car show take lots of photos posing with cars. When you get home you can use the photos to make an incredible calendar! You can use an online printer to have copies printed.

Do you have any other fun artistic date ideas? Or what’s a date your hubby really enjoyed? Let’s talk in the comments!

Crystal Parker is a self trained artist who helps busy moms give the gift of art to their teens. She is creating an online homeschool art curriculum for teens and she shares free art resources on her website inspiremyartist.com.

Get her free ebook, “The minimum a homeschooler needs to start painting with acrylics”, here.

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Reader Question: How Do I Keep Sex Fun When I’m Trying to Conceive?

This is going to be an awesome week.

I can just feel it! I know it’s Monday, and that tends to make people grumpy. But I’m so excited and I’ve been staying up late getting ready for the Ultimate Homemaking Bundle of 2016! It’s coming on Wednesday!

A few times a year my friends Stephanie and Mandi at Ultimate Bundles scour the internet for the best electronic resources on different topics, and starting Wednesday it’s homemaking–tons of stuff to help you raise your kids, balance your budget, grow your marriage, grow your faith, cook, organize, declutter, and more! They’ve got 93 ebooks and ecourses, plus a ton of bonuses (the bonuses alone are worth 5 times more than the cost of the bundle). Here are just a few of the selections that can help you look after yourself.

And see that book that’s #4 under Motherhood? That’s my Raising Kids You Actually Like!

I say this every year and I’ll say it again: in each bundle there’s at least one resource that changes EVERYTHING for me. Last year it was a book on how paperless home organization. I never knew I needed it, but I’ve been so much more productive since I read it! This week I’ll be sharing some of the gems with you.

But I wanted to give you a heads up that it’s coming, because it will only be on sale from Wednesday until next Monday. Then it’s gone forever. And at $29.97, it’s an awesome deal! And I’m going to be offering some awesome deals if you buy it from me, including a chance to win dinner with me, a chance to win even more ebooks, and a chance to win ME coming to speak at your church.

You can sign up right now to be notified when it’s available, or just stick around here. I’ll let you know!

Now let’s turn to a Reader Question.

How can you keep sex fun when you’re struggling to have a baby?

Every Monday I like to post a reader question and take a stab at answering it. Here’s one woman who is struggling with infertility–and with sex:

I have a question for you. My husband of nearly ten years and I have been trying to conceive a child for about five years. Without going into too much detail, well, there are medical issues on both sides that make it very, very difficult. Still, we keep trying. Do you have any advice on how to keep things feeling good during these times? It’s so frustrating!! It’s nearly impossible to retain the joyful spark and spontaneity of sex when we know we ‘have’ to do it practically on a schedule to conceive. We both want a baby so bad, but this is absolutely squashing my sex life and affecting our marriage. Please help.

That’s a tough question! But I don’t always like answering questions about heartbreaking problems like this that I haven’t personally gone through, because sometimes the advice can seem trite. So instead I’ve asked Lindsey Bell, an author and a faithful reader of this blog, to chime in. She’s struggled with this, and I just love her perspective!

Here’s Lindsey:

My husband and I have lost four babies over the span of a couple of years. With each miscarriage, sex became more and more scary.

I wanted to be pregnant…desperately longed to carry a child to term…but at the same time was terrified that if we got pregnant, we would lose another child I couldn’t wait to hold. I was terrified God would never grant me the child I longed for.

Sex can be a tricky thing when you’re struggling to have a child. Whether dealing with primary infertility, secondary infertility after having one or more successful pregnancies, or recurrent miscarriages, many women struggle with sex when childbearing doesn’t come easily.

Here are a few things that might help.

Keeping Sex Fun when You’re Struggling to Have a Baby:

Trying to conceive? You can still keep sex fun! 5 tips to stay close:
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1. Don’t ONLY have sex when you’re ovulating.

Just because you’re not ovulating doesn’t mean sex is off the table.

One way to help sex not become a chore is to do it at times when you’re not ovulating.

The window in which women are able to get pregnant is typically only about 6 days each month. That leaves quite a few days when a couple can have sex without the normal stress that often goes along with trying to have a baby.

2. Keep your relationship fun.

When you’re trying to have a baby and it’s not happening, your marriage can take a major hit. That’s why it’s so important to do things together as a couple that are fun.

Go away together. Go on dates. Keep laughing.

After two of our miscarriages, my husband and I bought tickets to see our favorite comedian (Brian Regan). Laughing with each other didn’t take away the pain of our losses, but it did bond us together.

We needed those nights away, and my guess is, if you’re going through a similar situation, you do too.

3. Make sex fun…if you can.

Trying to have a baby can become all-consuming. So much so that every time you have sex, that’s all you think about.

Some people will tell you to take a break from trying altogether when this happens…to take a few months off. Though I can understand why they say this and can definitely see the benefits to doing so, I wasn’t able to do this personally. I was desperate for a baby for a long time, and I didn’t want to take a break. Even if we had “claimed” we were taking a break, my mind would have still been there all the time.

Instead, what we found helpful was to try and make sex fun. Play a game together. Use massage. Switch things up.

4. Commit to each other…inside and outside of the bedroom.

Infertility can destroy a marriage. It creates stress, fears, grief, and a whole gamut of emotions.

Communicate with your spouse. Talk to him or her about how you’re feeling and what you’re struggling with.

It’s tempting when things get tough to pull away from your spouse, but it’s so much better to cling to him instead. It’s not always easy, but it’s definitely worth the effort.

Commit to your marriage more than to your desire to have a child.

For a long time, I focused more on my desire to have a child than I did on my marriage. I’m glad I finally learned to put him first instead.

5. Keep the lines of communication open with God too.

Infertility can wreak havoc on a person’s faith too.

After each of our miscarriages, I grew more and more angry with God. I felt like He had abandoned me. I felt like my prayers weren’t making it past the ceilings of my home.

It was only when I began to honestly share with him how much I was hurting…how angry I felt…how disappointed I was…that He began to heal my heart.

God didn’t ever fix whatever was causing our miscarriages (at least not yet), but I’ve learned to trust Him again. I wrote a lot about how I was able to do this in my new book, Unbeaten.

One of the main ways was by being honest with God. Secondary infertility (what my husband and I battled) broke me to my core, but it didn’t destroy my faith or my marriage.

And I know it doesn’t have to destroy yours either.

What other suggestions would you add to this list?

This post is part of Lindsey’s blog tour to celebrate her new Bible study and devotional, Unbeaten: How Biblical Heroes Rose Above Their Pain (and you can too).

To celebrate her book, she’s giving away a HUGE bundle of books! Leave a comment on this post to be entered to win. You can get more entries by commenting on other blogs in the tour as well. Get a full list of participating blogs here.

About Unbeaten:

Why does life have to be so hard? If you’ve ever asked this question, you’re not alone. Difficult times often leave Christians searching the Bible for answers to some of life’s most difficult questions.

Questions like:

Does God hear me when I pray?
Why isn’t He doing anything?
Does He even care?

In Unbeaten: How Biblical Heroes Rose Above Their Pain (and you can too), Lindsey Bell walks with readers through the stories of men and women in the Bible who went through difficult situations. In this 10-week Bible study and devotional, she addresses many of these questions and helps readers learn how they too can be unbeaten.

Lindsey Bell is the author of the Bible study and devotional, Unbeaten, and of the parenting devotional, Searching for Sanity. She’s a stay-at-home mother of two silly boys, a minister’s wife, an avid reader, and a lover of all things chocolate. Lindsey writes weekly at about faith, family, and learning to love the life she’s been given.

 

Now let me know in the comments: Have you ever felt stress trying to conceive? How did you keep close to your husband through it? Let’s talk!

The post Reader Question: How Do I Keep Sex Fun When I’m Trying to Conceive? appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

Don’t Use Your Kids As Your Emotional Outlet!

Do you use your kids as your emotional support? Stop it!

Every Friday I like to write a short, 400-word inspirational marriage post with just one thought (to counteract all the long posts I write the rest of the week!). Yesterday I wrote about how to shield your kids if your marriage isn’t the best, and I didn’t have time for one of the super-important points. So I thought I’d make it into its own blog post. Here we go!

Sheila’s Marriage Moment: Don’t Use Your Kids as Your Emotional Support!

Susie’s mom was depressed again. Her dad’s bosses were upset at him, but  he wouldn’t smooth things over. He was standing on principle, he said. But meanwhile, where was the paycheck going to come from?

As soon as Susie came home from school she could sense that her mom was itching to unload on her. So she took the lunchboxes away from her sisters and said to them, “let’s play dressup! Why don’t you both run and find all of my fun dresses and shoes and some of Mommy’s old makeup, and we’ll have a fashion show?” Her little sisters ran off, and she hoped they’d be gone for enough time that she could calm her mother down.

As her mom prepared the after-school snack she started moaning about her dad. And little Susan listened, like she always did, hoping that spilling everything to Susie would stop her mom from worrying her little sisters.

Susie grew up. She got used to running interference for her siblings. She got used to judging her mother’s moods and trying to manage her mother’s emotions. And she started to really dislike her father, who was always so irresponsible and got her mother so upset in the first place.

Susie’s story isn’t rare. We women often love to talk, and when there’s no one around to talk to except our children, we often turn to them. There’s nothing wrong with levelling with kids about the financial situation, the work situation, or other difficulties you are having. Kids can sense when something’s wrong, and naming the source of stress can actually be a relief to kids.

But sharing insight into what is happening is quite different than expecting your child to be your confidante. Using your child for emotional connection, or using your child as your outlet for physical affection, can be stifling. It places them in an adult role. And it often forces them, like Susan, to try to protect other siblings.

When you’re geographically isolated or socially isolated (because your husband’s in ministry and you can’t share what’s going on in your family, or because you homeschool, for instance), it can be tempting to use our children as an emotional dumping ground.

Don’t.

Deal with the issues in your marriage head on, even if it’s hard. Speak the truth to your husband and work through things. But don’t rely on your kids. It isn’t fair to them, and in the long run, it will do much damage to your relationship.

Don't let your kids become your source of emotional support. Let them be kids!
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What’s #1 at To Love, Honor and Vacuum?

Emotions drive many parts of our lives.  They can put you on a high or bring you low depending on the situation.  This week we look a range of emotion, from the craziness of change in body chemistry, to the endorphin-filled passion of sex, to even the low of feeling powerless.  It’s all here in this week’s top posts!

#1 of the NEW Post on the Blog:
#2 on the Blog Overall: Why Do Teenagers Rebel? Thoughts From A 19-Year-Old Who Didn’t

#2 from Facebook: Can Perimenopause Give You The “Crazies”?

#3 from Pinterest: Top 10 Ways To Signal “Yes” To Your Husband

 

Wow. I’m Humbled By the Response to Monday’s Post on

Sometimes a post takes on a life of its own. I go to write it and it just flows and I think about it in the shower and I think about it all day and it has to just come out of me.

Monday’s post was like that. It was passionate.

And I’m really humbled by the emails and tweets and messages I’ve received over it. We really, really need to do something about the fact that too many churches are set up with the pastor and the elder’s board being so far above everyone else that they cannot be questioned. This is how abuse happens. It’s because we let it because we let people have too much power.

And it’s wrong.

And then when those same churches preach that men should have power over their wives and kids, we perpetuate abuse within the family.

It won’t stop until we start speaking up. And I hope that we will start to recognize the signs: when a pastor preaches about how he should not be questioned, and how he has been put over the flock, and if people criticize him, then they are opposing God (which is what C.J. Mahaney is now saying, even though his church covered up sexual abuse within its ranks). Or when people bring legitimate concerns about leadership styles to the elder’s board, and those people are maligned within the church and told they must repent or leave (which is what happened in Mark Driscoll’s church).

Even if the preaching in a church is good–if the leadership cannot be questioned, then that leadership is not operating in a Christlike way. And it’s time to say, “no more!”

I’d encourage everyone to see the movie Spotlight, about the Catholic sexual abuse scandal. And then ask yourself: do I go to a church where such a thing could happen as well? Does the leadership of my church allow criticism? Is the leadership of my church humble? Does the leadership of my church care for women and children, or does the leadership preach that they must “know their place”?

I’ve Been Speaking All Over Alberta This Week!

And I’ve got some great pictures up on Facebook! Come on over and take a look. We’re at a huge Mennonite church in Winkler, Manitoba, tonight, and I’m so excited to speak in my native Manitoba (that’s where my roots are from!)

I’ll be coming through Pennsylvania in early May, and then I’ll be in Iowa, Michigan, and Kansas in September (you can still get in on that September tour! Just email my assistant Tammy!).

I’m planning to return to northern Alberta in October, so if you’re in Edmonton, Grande Prairie, Cold Lake, or Fort McMurray, let us know if you have a church that may want to book us!

And then we’re putting together dates for Arizona, New Mexico, Utah and Texas for next winter. Let us know if you’d like to be a part of it.

Keith and I Are Recording a Podcast Tomorrow for my Supporters!

Keith’s picking me up at the airport tomorrow (yay! I get to see him again!), and we’ll be driving home. And on that drive we’ll be recording the podcast that goes out to my monthly supporters (those that support me for $5 a month or more). They get all kinds of perks, including weekly emails about what I’m thinking, struggling with, or praying over; podcasts; free ebooks; chat sessions; free physical books; and more! Check out how you can be a supporter and get the inside scoop on what’s going on in the blog (and with me).

Have a great weekend, everyone!

The post Don’t Use Your Kids As Your Emotional Outlet! appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

Reader Question: How Do I Prevent My Kids from Suffering from Our Rough Marriage?

How do you give your kids a healthy view of marriage…if your marriage isn’t healthy?

Every Monday I like to post a reader question and take a stab at answering it, and today I’ve got a similar question from two hurting wives who are worried about the effects of their marriage on the kids:

I was 7 months pregnant when he confessed to porn use.

Glory to God, we are in a miracle and my husband is healing and we are healing and our lives are being restored. Interesting, you recently wrote about when to invite the husband back to the bed after betrayal. I’m getting to a place for that, slowly as we are growing in emotional intimacy again.

How can I help my children recover from all the trauma of my husband’s fallout? My son was just two when my husband confessed and he witnessed all my heartache and anger and the fights between us (We lived in a 1200 square foot home at the time- no where to hide.) my daughter was in the womb still and although she seems to be miraculously healthy I still wonder about the long term effects of all I went through emotionally while she was not yet born.

Another woman writes:

Parenting experts often say the best thing you can do for your kids is work on and have a good marriage. This crushes me because so many of our marriage issues are not my issues and I can’t control them. Nor can I pretend we’re in love to somehow make the kids feel secure.

So… for those of us who can’t just conjure up a good marriage how can we model this to our children without making them even more insecure?

Great question! Let’s look at it today.

God Can Protect Your Kids’ Hearts

A mom’s heartbeat is to protect her kids. We want, yearn, NEED to protect them.

But in this rush to protect them, let’s not forget that we are not all-powerful. Sometimes I think we feel that we are more powerful than we really are–that we should be able to smooth over life for our kids and we should be able to make sure our kids turn out well.

Our ultimate calling is not to protect our kids; it is to point them to Christ.

Our ultimate calling is not to protect our kids but to point them to Christ.
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When they understand the love of Christ–how high and long and wide and deep it is–then nothing else can get them. They are safe. They will be able to turn to Christ in their problems, and define themselves through what Jesus did for them, and not what others have done to them.

Bad things are going to happen to your kids. For yours, it may be that their lives started out in a tumultuous situation because your marriage was bad. But for others it may be living in a bad neighborhood and being bullied; having someone they love die; living several years through great financial hardship.

Life happens.

And in all of that, God is there. And while we can’t protect our kids, let’s never forget that He can.

Our past does not need to define us.

Yes, it is true that those who grow up in a shaky nuclear family do worse overall than those who grow up in a functional, loving, stable home. But note the word “overall“. That’s based on studies of thousands and thousands of kids. It isn’t based on a study of YOUR kid.

I grew up the only child to a single mother. If you look at the studies; you would not have predicted that I would be an A student; that I wouldn’t become promiscuous; that I would finish graduate degrees in university; that I would marry well. But I did, because God protected me, showed His grace to me, and led me to Him.

I have known friends who lived through horrendous abuse and family situations as young children who are honestly fine now. And then I have known others who lived in a stable, nuclear family with two parents who loved them who struggle to cope with the littlest thing going wrong in life.

Individuals are not statistics, and your children are individuals. Their past does not write their future; it is about how their past interacts with their personalities, with your characteristics, with other circumstances–but most of all, with God’s grace.

Individuals aren't statistics & our kids are individuals. Don't worry that their past…
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If you live your life scared that your children will turn out hurt because of what is done to them, they very well might. But if you proceed forward deeply in prayer for them, and focus on their individual, unique personalities, life really can be limitless. Just because a person has some struggles doesn’t mean that they can’t succeed well in relationships later or in faith later. Pray, point them to Jesus, and enjoy them in the present!

Authenticity Matters More Than Perfection

But what if the problems continue?

The second letter writer is asking, “how do I show kids a healthy marriage when ours isn’t healthy?”

Jesus is the Way, the Truth, and the Life. He isn’t in perfection; He’s in Truth, and truth is often messy.

When I wrote about the Duggars last year I said that authenticity matters so much in our witness–likely more than anything else. And it matters more than anything else in raising our kids, too. When we are honest with them, they are free to be honest. When we tell them, “you can’t ever criticize the family”, or “it’s a betrayal if you don’t think we’re perfect” (you wouldn’t SAY this, but you may SHOW this), then kids don’t know what to think. When they see something that’s wrong, they feel  inner turmoil. To admit it’s wrong (or even to believe that it’s wrong) means that they’re betraying their family, and they can’t stand to do that. And so they push things under the surface and learn not to believe their own red flags. That doesn’t bode well for future relationships.

Truth is a gift that you can give your children.

In your marriage, even if there isn’t love, and even if your husband acts inappropriately at times, you can be kind. You can refrain from sniping at him. You can talk with him and not withdraw.

But you can also draw appropriate boundaries (for instance, if he yells, you can say, “I see that your angry, and I do want to talk to you about this, but I won’t stay in the room while you yell, so once you’re calmed down I’d be happy to talk”, and then you can leave the room.) You can treat yourself with respect, and act with in ways worthy of respect. You can show them that while our relationship may not be perfect, I am trying to live as Christ did and point people to Christ.

When your children see that you honor your husband, but that you also honor yourself and do not get sucked into counterproductive arguments, then you show them that loving someone does not mean allowing them to treat you badly.

I’m going to assume that the issue here is not one of emotional or verbal abuse, though, because I know the second letter writer a little bit, and I believe that she would not put up with that. I also believe that if the issue is one of abuse, removing yourself and your children from that situation is the best course of action, but I’m not directing that here because I’m proceeding as if it’s not abuse but just simply bad decisions or bad modes of interacting on the part of the husband.

Maybe it’s simply that he’s a workaholic and you have no relationship. Perhaps he has no relationship with the kids, either, and you know how important a father’s relationship is. And that’s what you worry about.

You can involve their dad when he’s willing, but you can also make sure that you do fun things with the kids without waiting around for their dad. You can involve uncles in their lives. They’ll understand when they grow up. They’ll know that their dad made bad choices, and they may not have a great relationship with their dad. But a bad relationship with their dad does not necessarily mean that they’ll have bad relationships in general at all. Not if you’re walking in Truth; allowing them to speak Truth with respect; and letting them be in healthy church communities where they can see other men who do treat their families well.

Watch How They Speak to Their Dad–But Permit Honesty

Don’t worry so much about your kids that you create rifts with between them and their father. I have seen countless marriages where the mom is so worried about how the dad treats the kids that she’s forever telling the kids, “it’s okay to be mad when your dad does that,” or “your dad just doesn’t understand you.” Don’t foment anger.

But if your child is upset with your husband your child starts the conversation, it’s okay to say, “how does Jesus want us to handle it when we’re upset?” And it’s okay to encourage your child to take it up with your husband. You should expect a child to show a dad respect and not call him names, but it’s perfectly appropriate for a child to say, “when you did X it hurt me,” or “when you didn’t show up I felt angry.”

Let your child have those conversations and don’t interfere. Naming feelings is important, and if a child or teen can speak them out loud when they’re still children, that’s often healthier than growing up without ever being able to speak the disappointment. Just be careful that in your quest to guard your kids you don’t cement this “Mom is good and understands me and Dad is distant and is a loser” mentality. If you’ve chosen to stay in the marriage, then stay in that marriage. Treat your husband with kindness. Speak of him well. And pray hard.

Let me ask you: Have any of you dealt with this? How do you protect your kids without encouraging them to be angry at their dad? Let’s talk in the comments!

If you’re having trouble figuring out how to draw boundaries and love your husband at the same time, my book 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage helps you make sense out of all this! If you’re in a struggling marriage, it can help you see that you do have the ability to change your thought patterns and to learn to find peace in your marriage and your heart, even if your husband doesn’t seem to want to change. The issue isn’t always being nicer; usually the issue is about acting more like Christ and speaking up for Truth. Find out more here!

The post Reader Question: How Do I Prevent My Kids from Suffering from Our Rough Marriage? appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

Wifey Wednesday: Dealing with Anxiety in Marriage

Do you struggle with anxiety? I know so many people do–especially women. I keep meeting more and more people who are fighting a hard battle to keep their thoughts centered on Christ, to push out the negative, to stay positive.

And that can be so hard on a marriage.

Cate, aka the Fabuless Wife, sent me her story of how she’s fighting anxiety in marriage, and I think it’s beautiful and I want to run it today.

But first, I know some of you get jealous or anxious for good reason. Your husband really is doing something wrong. You can’t trust him because you’ve caught him in so many lies you don’t know what to believe anymore. And as I said last week in my post about how do know if you’re marrying the wrong guy or not, we do have to listen to “our gut”, because sometimes our gut may be warning us of something (that tends to be the Holy Spirit talking to us!). If you feel like something is not quite right, even if you can’t identify why, that’s often the first sign of an affair or porn use or something else that your husband may be trying to keep hidden.

But at the same time–that doesn’t mean that EVERY time we’re anxious there’s a reason for it. Sometimes it really could just be generalized anxiety. So I’m not sharing this to say, “if you ever don’t trust your husband, stop being so negative!”, because obviously there are times when we must be wise. But for the many, many women who are struggling with anxiety, you know that often there isn’t something wrong in real life. And so we have to fight against these feelings.

Here’s Cate explaining how she does that:

It was happening again. Another accusation, another intruding thought. “My husband didn’t call me on his way home, he must be falling out of love with me.” The negative thoughts continued to come and they pierced my heart. As tears fell, my chest tightened and it became hard to breathe.

I would overanalyze every little thing that my husband did, seeing the smallest details as signs that we were falling apart. I would become suspicious of everyday things like taking a phone call and it became hard to believe that anyone could really, truly love me. Anxiety told me many lies and I, unfortunately, did not fight them for the longest time. My irrational fears were wreaking havoc on my heart, my spiritual life, my health and my marriage.

My husband, thankfully, is a very long-suffering kind of guy. The calm to my storm, he would usually just patiently try to rationalize with me and eventually, I would start to think sanely. One particularly bad night, my husband sat me down and poured his heart out to me. He told me that my anxiety over our marriage made him feel as if I didn’t trust him. He told me that he works extremely hard to create a stable, safe place for our family and when I give into those anxious thoughts, I’m doubting his ability to be a good husband.

Wow. That made me realize what I was giving up each time I gave into anxiety. My husband said that his vows weren’t just for physical sickness and health, but emotional health as well. He said it wasn’t just my fight, it was ours. We started to plan how we could fight my anxiety together. This game plan is what I’m going to share with you today.

As someone who grew up in Church, I knew about the Lord’s saving power and I could give spiritual advice…to everyone else. When it came to my own self, I felt defeated. I know I’m not alone in this struggle. Anxiety is a real issue and it plagues many women. Whether your anxiety comes from past issues or post-partum hormones, it can take a toll on every part of your life.

Anxiety is real. But don't let anxiety steal your joy in marriage. 3 Tips to Fight it:
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We don’t have to stay defeated in this area. While everyone is a work in progress, there are some things we can do to protect our marriages during this season of life.

To Fight Anxiety, Stay in the Moment

When anxiety hits, my mind likes to wander. I’ll start thinking about scenarios that aren’t even a possibility and because the worry amplifies things, I feel the same emotions as if I was truly in this situation. When these emotions hit, I’m more likely to start an argument with my husband because I believe bad of him. In Matthew 6:34, the Bible says, “So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today.”

Staying focused on what’s happening right now is key to keeping those worries away. Focus on what’s happening in that moment, what you see, feel and hear. Take a few deep breaths, pray and refuse to think about what negative things could happen in the future.

 Fight with Your Husband, Not Against Him

In your fight against anxiety, your husband can either be your biggest enemy or your biggest ally. Obviously, the latter is the better choice! The Bible says in Ephesians 6:12,

For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.

Our struggles aren’t against people, but against a very real Enemy of our soul who wants to destroy our lives. Anxiety can cloud your vision, making you think that everyone is against you, including your spouse. Most likely, this is not the case! When your husband promised through sickness and health, he meant it. Emotional health is included in those vows!

Anxiety can cloud your vision, making you think everyone is against you--even your spouse.
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Talk to your husband openly about what’s going on and ask for his support and prayer during this season in your life. Make your husband your greatest ally in this battle and choose to fight together. Let this time be something that brings you closer instead of tearing you apart.

 Think about Your Ending

God has good plans for those who love Him. When we struggle with anxiety, it can be hard to think about the good things that are ours through Christ. The Bible is FULL of the promises that God has given us. One of my favorites is found in Romans 8:28, “For we know that all things work together for those who love God and are called according to His purpose.”

We may not see the light at the end of the tunnel now, but we know that in the end Jesus wins. God’s plan for our lives is to live victoriously and to overcome. God wants to see us whole and healthy and He wants our marriages to thrive, even in the midst of anxiety.

Cate is a blessed wife and mother to two little men.  In her free time, you can find her blogging at The Fabuless Wife where she brings inspiration to women in the midst of the mundane. She’d love to connect with you on Facebook!

Thanks, Kate! 

Now let me know in the comments: Do you battle with anxiety? How do you stop it from hurting your marriage? Let’s talk!

The post Wifey Wednesday: Dealing with Anxiety in Marriage appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

5 Keys to Great Sex After Menopause

Can you have great sex after menopause?

It’s one of the most common questions that I get when I’m giving my Girl Talk–my evening event where I come into churches and talk sex & intimacy. We do an anonymous Q&A session during the event, and invariably someone asks about sex and menopause.

I give some generic answers, that I’ve read about, because quite frankly I’m not there yet. But I’m researching it because I certainly don’t want menopause to be where sex goes to die. And from what I’ve been reading, it really doesn’t look like it has to! Hormones certainly affect our libidos, as I’ve written about before. And I had a really rough time with perimenopause (the 10 years leading up to menopause) before I had a uterine ablation surgery (which was a godsend). But I know the hormonal changes aren’t over. And the problem with menopause that many women find is that the hormonal changes can steal our libidos and make sex uncomfortable.

But it doesn’t have to be that way! A while ago Dr. Carol Peters-Tanksley, an OB-GYN, guest posted on how women need to “flip that mental switch” to make sex fun. And since I’ve been wanting to write about menopause, but never really felt qualified to since I’m not there yet, I jumped at the chance to ask her to write another piece for me, since she actually knows what she’s talking about.

Can sex be great after menopause? Absolutely! 5 ways to make the most of these years:
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She said yes, and I’m thrilled to have Dr. Carol back today:

“Is there even such a thing as sex after menopause? And can it actually be great?”

As much as many women under 50 may try to ignore the fact, every single one of us will pass, is passing, or has already passed through the menopause transition. There’s a common stereotype going around that women who have gone through menopause are neither interested nor interesting when it comes to sex and sexuality. But that’s just not true.

I’m a member of the over-fifty club myself, and I can assure you I’m not old! And if you ask other fifty-plus-somethings, many of them would tell you the same thing. There’s a lot of truth to the adage, “You’re only as old as you feel,” especially when it comes to intimacy.

There’s no reason women cannot continue to enjoy great sex and satisfying intimacy during and after menopause, through your fifties and beyond.

But stereotypes usually come from somewhere. It is true that during and after menopause many women experience changes in libido, sexual arousal, and sexual satisfaction. Not all these changes are negative. So it’s helpful to be aware of how your current season of life affects you so that you can maximize the benefits and address the challenges.

As an OB-Gyn physician I’ve been helping women deal with these menopausal changes for over 20 years. And I know that with the right frame of mind, and occasionally a little help, sex and sexuality can be wonderful.

Let me point out five useful things to know that will help you continue to enjoy sex, and perhaps enjoy it more than ever before.

1. Be grateful for the increased freedom to be spontaneous that menopause brings.

With menopause a number of the frustrations affecting intimacy are removed. Just think how nice it is not to have to worry about periods, pads, tampons, PMS, birth control, and all the other associated “stuff.” Whether or not you engaged in sex during your period before, that’s one issue you don’t have to worry about ever again!

And that’s not all. It’s likely you also don’t have to worry about changing diapers, soccer practice, or PTA meetings. Rather than being asleep in the next room, your kids are either in high school (and spending more evenings and weekends away from home), or moving out. Let’s just say that the impending empty nest often makes spontaneous intimacy simpler. Why not enjoy?!

The freedom to be spontaneous doesn’t always mean you or your husband will naturally take advantage of that freedom. Satisfied mature couples include sexual intimacy as part of their regular priorities, and make sure to engage in sex regularly.

2. Enjoy your maturing relationship.

If your marriage has been a reasonably good one, you’ve probably stopped trying to change each other by now. How refreshing! Hopefully you’ve learned how to forgive each other well, and how to work through conflicts. You’ve gone through enough of life together that there are few surprises. You know what pleases each other, and what hot buttons to avoid.

That may sound like sex is becoming boring and predictable, but it doesn’t have to be that way. There’s a certain safety in a long-term marriage that can pay great dividends when it comes to intimacy. Good sex can bring benefits beyond excitement – benefits such as comfort, relaxation, connectedness, reassurance, and spiritual closeness. And the safety of a strong marriage may also give you the freedom to explore new ways of experiencing pleasure.

If your marriage is not so great, this is a good time to focus on your relationship and take steps to make it better. With a little more maturity you’ve got more emotional tools to draw from. As long as you and your husband are people of good will, your relationship can just now be entering the best years of your lives together.

3. Slow sex down a little.

As women become more mature, it often takes more time to become fully aroused sexually. Your lubrication may be less and slower, and it may take longer to reach a climax. Many men will also experience a slower sexual response as they become older. If you and your husband are willing to slow down a little, it’s likely you can experience as much or even more satisfaction.

Many menopausal women will find the increased foreplay as satisfying as sex itself. Talk with your husband about what you find enjoyable and stimulating. (That’s right; talk about sex!) Come from a position of desiring to mutually please the other. Hopefully you’ll spend as much time listening to what he desires as you do in sharing your own wishes.

While your life as a mature woman can be complicated, carve out dedicated time each week to focus just on one another. You may be pleasantly surprised at the stimulating results!

4. Appreciate the hormonal changes of menopause.

Some of the changes in sexuality that you experience around menopause may be hormonally related. The drop in estrogen will eventually decrease the lubrication and elasticity of the vagina, making intercourse uncomfortable or painful. For some women this happens right away; for others it happens years after menopause.

If you are easily aroused but find intercourse uncomfortable, lubricants such as Replens or Astroglide may be sufficient. If that doesn’t resolve your discomfort, please talk with your doctor about prescription vaginal estradiol. Within a few weeks you’ll notice a major improvement. Pain is a major mood killer for women, and with the discomfort resolved you may desire intimacy much more.

And if your ovaries have been removed, talk with your gynecologist or endocrinologist about the possible benefits of very small amounts of testosterone. (Yes, women need a little of that too!)

5. Take the initiative.

For some women, your libido may actually increase around the time of menopause or thereafter. The freedom from having to deal with periods or raising small children may be part of that. But testosterone does not decrease as much as estrogen does at menopause (as long as you still have your ovaries), and the different balance in hormones may increase libido also.

Whether or not your desire has increased, take some thought about the ways in which you can inspire your husband to be sexual. If he has difficulties with sexual performance, encourage him to get a medical evaluation. Take a conscious mental step in his direction, and invite intimacy.

Many husbands will welcome you creatively asking for sex. He may not say it, but he may think “Where have you been all my life?!” By now you probably know what gets his engines revved up. Take a risk. You may pleasantly surprise yourself – and him.

This has been a positive look at how you can enjoy great intimacy even after menopause. There are many ways in which your investments in a strong marriage during the years can now pay great dividends. And if you don’t have a long track record of a happy marriage, don’t give up; I married for the first time at age 48, and it was wonderful in every way. If you face challenges related to sex during menopause, I’d love to hear from you.

I believe sex can continue to be great for as long as you’re together!

Dr Carol Peters-Tanksley is a licensed OB-Gyn physician and ordained Christian minister, sometimes known to her friends as “Doctor-Doctor.” Her new book Dr Carol’s Guide to Women’s Health: Take Charge of Your Physical and Emotional Wellbeing is available wherever books are sold. Dr Carol invites you to connect with her at her ministry website www.drcarolministries.com, Twitter, or Facebook.

 

Thanks, Dr. Carol!

Now it’s YOUR turn: what have been your biggest challenges with sex and hormone changes? How did you handle them? Let’s talk in the comments!

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Let’s Not Make Women Powerless in the Name of God

My heart hurts when I hear stories of what happens when women (or children or men, for that matter) are made powerless.

(I know on Mondays I publish Reader Questions, but I really wanted to write this post last night. The reader question will come on Thursday!)

I’m on a road trip this week speaking in Alberta and Manitoba, and one of the nice things for me about flying is that I finally get to read a novel. I don’t read many novels at home; when I start a book I can’t put it down until it’s done, and that doesn’t bode well for finishing up stuff. So I tend to reserve my reading for airline flights.

I cracked open Luther and Katharina, a historical novel about the romance between Martin Luther, the leader of the Reformation, and former nun Katharina von Bora.

It was riveting. Jody Hedlund made the characters come alive, and the magnitude of the issues that Luther was facing, and the weight that was on his shoulders, was immense.

But what really stayed with me was the story of Katharina’s experiences in the abbey.

In the Middle Ages it was common practice for noble families to “abandon” their daughters at convents when they were very young–5, 6, or 7. They’d give a large donation to the convent, and then the girl would be basically imprisoned there for the rest of her life. She couldn’t leave.

Daughters, you see, were expensive. They needed dowries. Much easier to give them over to the church and earn spiritual brownie points in the process.

So think of these poor little girls, torn from their families, sent to a convent from which they will never leave. Never the choice to marry. Never the choice to do anything.

But worst of all, what happens when a young woman with no outside protection lives in a place where unrelated men have full power? Priests and bishops would visit, and would often abuse the girls and the nuns. It was commonplace.

My heart is torn in two.

I can’t fathom such evil, and yet I know that this is the story of history. Whenever girls or women have no recourse and no power, sexual abuse runs rampant. But it’s true in other realms as well. When people live in abject poverty, they are often forced into virtual (or real) slavery, and beaten at will. The quest for freedom in Europe, and later in North America and throughout the world, was really a quest for justice–that the nobility and the clergy couldn’t beat, kill, rape, or steal from those in their power at will. That people could live in safety, and could have the assurance that if wrong was done to them, they had legal recourse.

And God’s heart is with the powerless. Just read the Old Testament prophets to see! The most common accusation he lays at the feet of those being judged is that they oppressed the poor and powerless. God doesn’t take this lightly, and He knows how rampant it is.

Whenever people have power without checks, then the powerless are abused.

It’s been said that power corrupts and absolute power corrupts absolutely.

I agree with this to a certain extent. I think that there can be good and godly leaders who have major power. I believe that there were godly priests and bishops in the Middle Ages. I believe that there were even godly kings and queens, though they may have been few and far between.

But here’s the funny thing about power: those who have an urge to dominate and subjugate others will naturally gravitate to positions where they have power over others. Most people don’t actually enjoy controlling others. Those who do often deliberately aim for it. Did joining the SS in Nazi Germany make one evil, or did evil people gravitate towards the SS because of the power the SS provided? I’m inclined to think it’s a combination of both, but that the second is likely more important. Evil gravitates to opportunities to do evil.

On the other hand, where such opportunities are much harder to come by, those who may naturally be tempted to go in that direction may never even act on that temptation.That’s why good civil government, good church structure, and good family structure matters. When we set up these institutions so that leaders have checks, balances, and accountability, and those at the bottom of the totem pole have the ability to stop something bad from happening (or at least punishing it when it does happen), then far fewer people do bad things.

Unfortunately, though, power over others is intoxicating.

Look at all those who are flocking to ISIS largely because it promises to let them unleash brutality and crush people under their feet. While most rightly find this abhorrent, within humanity is the drive to hurt and dominate. We see it in Nigeria where Boko Haram kidnaps Christian girls. We see it in North Korea where the peasants starve on the whim of a megalomaniac leader. We saw it in Nazi Germany, in the slave trade, in the aboriginal schools in Canada where so many children were sexually abused. Where people have power over others, the powerless suffer immensely.

Having Power over Others Has No Place in the Kingdom of God

Let's stop giving husbands, pastors, or churches unchecked power. That's how abuse flourishes.
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What scares me is that I have noticed lately that there are strands of Christianity, especially in North America, that seem to be trying to define faith in terms of “power”–that leaders (or shepherds) have power over sheep.

I believe that Matthew 20:25-28 contradicts this view:

Jesus called them together and said, “You know that the rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their high officials exercise authority over them. Not so with you. Instead, whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first must be your slave—just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.”

Many churches now require membership covenants, where upon membership you agree to be under church discipline, even if that discipline is ill-defined. Some churches have made headlines by enforcing church discipline when women try to leave abusive husbands–or leave husbands who have been charged with viewing child porn. Other churches are set up so that the pastor can’t really be questioned or removed, and some high profile pastors have had to step down in scandal lately because of their domineering management style.

It should hardly be surprising that many leaders of Christian movements who operated in a domineering, centralized power structure have recently fallen due to sexual sin, like Bill Gothard, the now disgraced leader of a major homeschooling movement. When you set up an organization with one person at the head who cannot be questioned, is it any surprise if that person ends up abusing others?

If we want to stop abuse, we must stop creating church structures which attract abusers.
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Christianity is about servanthood. It is not about power.

I loved this tweet I saw this week:

Us: Jesus says to be LEADERS!

Jesus: I said “servant”.

Us: OK, then Jesus says to be SERVANT-LEADERS!

Jesus: I said “servant”.

Us: Rats

— Brant Hansen (@branthansen) April 13, 2016

When Christian leaders attempt to consolidate power, and then say that if people oppose them they are opposing God, that is a major red flag. Christian organizations must get away from a power structure which cannot be questioned and instead move to a model of authority with accountability where servanthood is the aim, not power.

But it doesn’t end there.

What does this have to do with marriage?

Christians differ on the issue of authority in marriage. Some say that God has given the husband authority over the wife, while others say that God has called both men and women to serve each other and work to each other’s best.

I hope that we can all agree, though, that power has no place in marriage.

Power always leads to abuse. Always. When we give people power over another person while denying that person the ability or opportunity to get help or to get justice, then we open the doors for abuses of that power.

I spoke last Saturday at a one-day marriage conference with my husband and with speaker Gary Thomas. During the Q&A panel, we were asked if it is okay for an abused woman to divorce her husband, or if that is breaking a covenant.

I replied that if a woman is abused, the husband has already broken the covenant. She is not the one doing so by leaving. Gary agreed with me.

Later on a woman came up to me with tears in her eyes and thanked me for saying that. She had left an abusive marriage a decade earlier, and was now seeing a wonderful man who wanted to marry her. But she couldn’t stop the thought that she would be wrong to do so, since she was likely wrong to divorce her ex-husband. She had gone to seek marriage counseling with her mother when the abuse was at its worst, and the female counselor had told her to figure out what she was doing to provoke him, and then to stop doing that, because God took marriage vows seriously. Her mother stood up, told the counselor that they would no longer be needing her services, and dragged her daughter out of there.

I thought we had won this battle years ago, but we haven’t.

Women are still being told that they must submit to abuse, or, like Debi Pearl says, try not to provoke an angry husband, as if the abuse is her fault.

But even if a church doesn’t condone abuse, when a church says that a woman must obey her husband and must never question him, then that church is putting the husband in a place that only Jesus should have. We must all submit to Jesus’ authority, and that means that none of us should ever impose our will on another, especially another who has no way of getting justice should injustice be done.

Please, if you’re in a denomination that tells you that women must blindly follow their husbands without speaking up, remember: this may work for your marriage. You may be married to a good man. But what if your sister is not? What if your daughter marries someone who is harsh? What of the other women in your church? Let’s be clear: Power has no place in a Jesus-following church or in a Jesus-centered marriage. Power says, “my will be done”, not “Thy will be done”. And whenever we follow human’s will rather than God’s will, injustice ensues.

If a leader can’t ever be questioned, he’s not a leader. He’s a bully who just happens to have a job. @edstetzer

— Burk Parsons (@BurkParsons) April 17, 2016

For the sake of the Chibok girls in Nigeria; for the memories of raped slaves in the South; for the girls who are sold on the streets in Cambodia; for the children who were raped by priests; for the young girls who were assaulted by homeschooling idols; for the girls who are married off in polygamous cults; for the young boys who are used as slaves in India; for the young women who are kept as sex slaves in the Middle East; for the beaten women and children in the West who were told to “submit”; for the memories of the women who were raped in Nanking or used as prostitutes by the Nazi army–please. Please.

Let’s not create the conditions for any of this to happen again, especially in the name of Jesus.

We have the authority, as part of the priesthood of believers, to say no. Use that authority. Stop the power abuses. No more.

In my newest book, 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage, I talk about how an unhealthy view of submission can lead to this kind of power imbalance. If you have always been taught that submission means that husbands have power, THERE IS A BETTER, more godly way of seeing those verses. Please read it. I think it will help you develop a Jesus-centered view of how we should relate to each other in servanthood and love.

 

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Can God Really Have an Impact on Your Marriage?

Does having God in a marriage make a difference?

Every Friday I like to write a 400-word inspirational marriage moment–just something short, with one quick thought, that you can take with you on the weekend.

Okay, scratch that. Not EVERY Friday. Because this Friday my mind is a jumble of thoughts, and I’ve decided I’m just going to write them all down and let you all do with them what you will. So I’m going to break the mold a little bit and give you my stream-of-consciousness thinking. Here goes:

Sheila’s Marriage Musings: What Impact Does God Have?
Exhibit A: Can we really ever know someone? Like, know them fundamentally?

I wrote a post on Monday on how to tell if you’re marrying the wrong guy. I actually liked that post, but I said something flippantly that perhaps I shouldn’t have. I said that I knew, before we got married, that my husband would never have an affair or leave me or abuse me or anything like that.

And I had a lot of pushback. Many people said, “my husband did and there were absolutely no warning signs. He covered it all up.”

So I asked on Facebook–do you believe that you can ever fundamentally know someone? And many people said no.

What Does It Mean to Know Someone?

Here’s the thing, though. I do understand that everyone can make a mistake. David, after all, was a man after God’s own heart, but even he messed up big time by having an affair and then committing murder to cover it up. We can do something that is out of character, and I’ve written about that before–how seasons of distance can endanger even good marriages, often without us even realizing it.

So I think knowing someone doesn’t mean knowing that they’ll never mess up. Maybe it’s knowing that they are committed to not messing up, and that if they do mess up, they’ll make it right. I also know many people with secret sins–porn addictions for instance–who honestly want to quit and who are quite broken up about the fact that they can’t seem to kick the habit. The porn is out of character (now, for some, it isn’t out of character, and they’ve progressed to chatting with women or they justify themselves. But I know many guys who, once they are caught, are relieved. That’s the difference.)

I guess I still stand by my original statement. I know that my husband won’t have an affair in the same way that I know I won’t. I just KNOW him, at a very fundamental level. But perhaps it’s not just that. Perhaps it’s also this:

I Know His Faith Is Real

It isn’t just knowing my husband. It’s knowing that the Holy Spirit is active in his life and that he is totally sold out to God–as I am. I trust his faith as I trust my own. And I do believe that when you both follow God, there’s a joining that is totally unique and extremely strong. Francis Chan once said something really controversial, but I think it’s true: He’s never known a marriage with two Holy Spirit-filled individuals to break up. I’ve known many marriages break up, but in all cases one person had silenced the Holy Spirit in their life by slowly drifting away, and then making definite choices to do things wrong. But when two people follow God? That marriage is strong.

So I Made This Graphic and Put it Up on Facebook

This summarized what I was trying to say: It’s not just about knowing Keith. It’s that God makes a difference, and He’s making the difference in our marriage.

As of right now, Friday morning, that graphic has been seen by 3,000,000 people. I think it’s my third most viral one of all time. Kinda cool. (You can share it on Facebook here, too! Or just pin it by clicking the “Pin It” button above).

I Know People Have Been Hurt, and I Know People Have a Hard Time Trusting

I really do get that. But I also know that there is something so sweet about being in a spirit-filled marriage. And I don’t think it makes me naive to say that I don’t believe he would ever have an affair. I think it just signifies that I am blessed. If he were to have an affair, or I were to have an affair, it would only be because we turned our backs on God first. And I just can’t see that happening. Not now, not after so many years.

That doesn’t mean that I don’t believe it does happen. I guess I just don’t want us all to get cynical. I don’t want everyone to live thinking, “I always have to be a little guarded, because fundamentally you can never really trust anyone.”

What kind of life is that? Yes, we need to be wise, especially when choosing who to marry, as I said on Monday. Yes, we need to listen to the Holy Spirit and not be carried away by emotions. But at some point, we have to believe that God makes a difference. Because if we don’t think that God makes a difference in our marriages, then what’s the point?

I’ve written about that before, and if you’ve enjoyed this rambling, you may enjoy these as well:

Does God Really Make a Difference?

Does God Make a Difference–Part 2

Okay, enough rambling. I’ll return next week like usual. I just have so much in my brain right now–can we trust? Can we know? what does that mean?–that I’m not thinking clearly. But I’d love to know what you think, so tell me in the comments! Can you really trust someone?

What’s #1 at To Love, Honor and Vacuum?

It’s all about the Top 10 Lists this week and there’s plenty of tips to take away from them!

#1 of the NEW Post on the Blog: 10 Things I Learned While Living In An RV With My Husband

#1 on the Blog Overall: Top 10 Tips To Initiating Sex With Your Husband

#2 from Facebook: I Never Told On My Abuser

#3 from Pinterest: Top 10 Sex and Marriage Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore

I’m About to Start the Busiest 1 1/2 weeks of my life!

Okay, tonight I’m leaving for Toronto where Keith and I are speaking at a Building a Lifelong Love marriage day tomorrow with Gary Thomas (yay!). Then on Sunday my assistant Tammy and I fly out to Calgary for two events, then one in Lethbridge on Wednesday, then we fly to Manitoba for one in Winkler on Friday, and then we’re home. And then I have to prepare for a marriage weekend that Keith and I are doing the following weekend in Peterborough.

Whew. I’m tired already!

I’m excited for all the opportunities, but a little overwhelmed. So pray for me if you think of it!

I’m Disturbed By Some Things on Twitter About Abuse

I’ve been following some threads on Twitter this week (#T4G2016) that have been really disturbing to me. Apparently there’s a big pastor’s conference in Louisville this week, and one of the speakers is now disgraced pastor C.J. Mahaney. At least, he should be disgraced, since he was removed from his large church because it came out that they had been covering up child sexual abuse. They had predators in the church and they had told the families to work it out within the church, rather than report it to the police. Some of those predators moved to other churches and they did not inform the other churches.

Mahaney left his church, but is starting another. And he was asked to speak at this conference.

Many of the victims are now protesting, and have issued press releases about it. And when introducing Mahaney, Albert Mohler, the president of the Southern Baptist Theological Seminary, made a joke about it.

Mohler referred obliquely to the pushback in his introduction of Mahaney, getting laughs with the line: “I told C.J. that in getting ready to introduce him I decided I would Google to see if there was anything on the Internet about him.”

Child sexual abuse is not funny. Covering up child sexual abuse is not funny. I don’t care how gifted a guy is at preaching, his judgment is fundamentally flawed. We need to stand up for victims, and Mahaney is NOT a victim (as much as they are trying to portray him as such, and as much as he’s preaching about what it’s like to live as a Job). The children were the victims. 

Protestants (and Catholics) were rightly incensed at the stories of how the Catholic church handled sex abuse in their ranks in the 70s and 80s.

But if Protestants continue to be so cavalier about it in our own ranks, then we are acting worse, because we’ve had the benefit of seeing the effects of the Catholic clergy sex abuse scandal, and quite frankly, we should know better. We know the effects of child sexual abuse much better in 2016 than they did in 1985.

So let’s stop defending people who cover it up. Let’s say that was not acceptable, and it’s not a laughing matter. And I hope that some of the other conference speakers, who were very big names, will apologize for not protesting and for sharing the stage with him. If you follow the story, the only remorse he seems to have shown is remorse that he got caught. Abuse is rampant and real, and we will not defeat it by excusing those who excuse it.

(Maybe this bit contradicts the above bit on whether you can truly trust someone? I don’t know. I’m still really wrestling. Sigh).

And On a Lighter Note…

Katie made a new kind of video this week. I’ll end with it:

Have a great weekend, everyone!

The post Can God Really Have an Impact on Your Marriage? appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

How to Get the Most out of Social Media–And Help Your Favourite Bloggers, too!

If you’re reading this blog, it’s probably because you’re actually interested in what I have to say.

In fact, if you read any blog, it’s likely because at some point you came across a post of that blogger, and you liked it, and so you’ve continued to follow that blogger.

I don’t know how you found me, but most people who read me found me through Pinterest. They saw a post, they clicked through, and they stayed.

And I’m very grateful!

But as you may or may not know, social media platforms are constantly changing their algorithms, and sometimes those changes make it less likely that you will continue to see the posts of the people that you’ve actually chosen to follow.

And so today, on behalf of countless other bloggers, (and, naturally, on behalf of myself ), I’d like to share the inside scoop on how you can be sure that you don’t miss anything by your favourite bloggers–and also make sure that OTHER people will find them, too, just like you did all those posts ago.

How to see what you actually want on social media--and help your favorite bloggers, too!
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How Social Media Platforms Decide What to Show You

If you’re on Facebook, you’ve probably seen them: Those ominous sounding statuses that say something like:

Facebook is now making sure that virtually nobody sees my posts! So if you want to stay my friend (or if you want to keep seeing posts from my Page), please hit the Like button!

You’ve likely seen it on Instagram too:

You’ll never see my photos again because Instagram is making sure you only see photos from popular people!

To a certain extent it’s true that Facebook and Instagram have changed. But I don’t think they’ve done this for any nefarious reason.

The folks have Facebook have noticed something.

Most people have hundreds of friends and follow dozens of pages, but they’re actually not that interested in most of that stuff. And following that many things is overwhelming!

And then Facebook has also noticed this:

If people see stuff in their newsfeed about how Aunt Carol’s cat is constipated again, they may find Facebook super boring. And we don’t want people to find Facebook super boring. So we’ll make sure people only see the exciting stuff, like Uncle Peter going sky diving!

So how does Facebook decide what’s boring and what’s exciting? Well, some people may really be interested in Aunt Carol’s cat’s constipation. Maybe they’re cat people too and the prune juice isn’t working, or maybe they have a parakeet who is similarly in pain. And maybe those same people have a fear of heights and really don’t like Uncle Peter going sky diving, because it gives them nightmares.

So Facebook needs to figure out who actually likes Aunt Carol and who actually likes Uncle Peter.

The people at Facebook got together, then, and say something like this:

You know, if someone comments on posts about Aunt Carol’s cat, they’re probably very interested in how stopped up that feline is. And if they scroll past Uncle Peter’s posts and never ever like them, then they probably don’t care.

So Facebook has decided to only show you the posts of things that you tend to like or interact with, or that people who are just like you like or interact with.

There is one exception: One of my friends was recently diagnosed with cancer. THAT post showed up in my newsfeed, even though I hadn’t seen anything by her in ages, because so many people liked and commented that they were praying for her.

So when Facebook decides what to show you, Facebook asks:

Does she like or interact with this person/page a lot?
Do people just like her like or interact with this page a lot?
Has this particular post received an unusual amount of interaction, making it an interesting post?

Instagram is now doing something very similar, and it makes a lot of sense.

But what about Pinterest?

While Facebook and Instagram seem to be changing for the better, Pinterest has gone totally berserk and made everything worse. All of a sudden the boards that you follow are far less likely to show up in your newsfeed. They’re trying to do what Facebook has done, but quite frankly–they’re doing it very, very poorly. I can’t stress that enough: Pinterest really missed the boat. Facebook is quite good at figuring out what you like. Pinterest isn’t. For example: it used to be that if you searched Pinterest for Christian sex advice, all kinds of posts by me and tons of bloggers like me showed up. Now if you type that in–well, let’s just say it looks like something you’d see in a not-so-nice store. Definitely not what most Christians are looking for when they ask for sex advice!

How can you ensure that the stuff that you actually want to see gets shown to you in Facebook and Pinterest and Instagram?
Follow the Blogs You Like on Other Platforms

Follow people you actually like. Just click those social media icons that people have on their sidebar!

If you follow me on Facebook, you’ll see more than just what’s on the blog. Every morning I post today’s post, but then, around 12:30, I tend to post an older post that I liked that was good that you may not have seen. I often post interesting graphics, and I often also post other people’s stuff that I found riveting. And then, if I’m ever looking for ideas for posts, I ask my fans, too! So come and be part of that community. You’ll learn more about your favourite bloggers, and you’ll see more of their stuff than just their current posts.

Hit that Like Button–and Comment, too!

Bloggers REALLY want you to know this stuff: why we love you when you hit like!
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Every time you see a pin from a blog that you like—even if that blogger didn’t pin it, but someone else did—or a post of that blogger’s on Facebook, or a pic on Instagram, hit the “like” button (or the Wow or Love button on Facebook!) The more you tell social media platforms “I like stuff from this website”, then the more likely they are to show it to you! And if you comment? Well, they consider that gold.

Why like other people’s pins and not just the blogger’s pins? Again, because it tells Pinterest, “this website is a good source of information.” It’s not only about liking the blogger; it’s about liking the blog.

Remember: if you never like and never comment, it’s very likely you’ll soon stop seeing those posts. 

Share Stuff You Like

If you’re on a blog and you read a post you like, or you see a graphic you like, use that “Pin It” button that’s in the corner of the graphic and pin it. That lets your friends see it, too!

And then hit the Facebook button at the bottom of a post and add it to Facebook as well. When a post has a lot of shares, Pinterest and Facebook know it’s important and are more likely to show it to others.

Choose Good Graphics for Pinterest

If you hit the Pin It button at the bottom of the post, most likely the blog you’re on will prompt you to pin the main image. Here’s what happens when you hit the Pin It button at the bottom of Monday’s post on how to make sure you don’t marry the wrong guy:

The main graphic pops up and you can choose which board to pin it to.

But some of you have the Pin It extension on your browser, and when you hit it, you’ll see ALL the graphics from that page. And some other blogs aren’t set up to make you only see one image, but let you choose from among all the images, like this:

There’s that main graphic on the top left, but there are other graphics, too. There are some ads from the page. There are short little graphics. There are pics from posts that actually AREN’T this post (for instance, there’s the graphic from my post about is it okay to take sexy photos of yourself because it shows up as a related post).

I can’t tell you the number of people who will go to pin a post, but will choose one of the ads (like the one on the cars for the Dove channel), or a picture for a DIFFERENT post as the graphic. Then, when other people see that pin, they will have no idea what it’s about!

When you have a choice of what graphic to pin, please choose the tall one that the blogger likely wanted! Tall graphics tend to get repinned more. If you choose a graphic that has little to do with the post, then it’s unlikely that other people will see it and click through or repin it.

Turn On Notifications

Especially on Instagram, if you don’t want to miss a particular person, just turn on notifications for them! You just go to their profile and click those three little dots at the far top right corner, and you’ll get the option to turn on notifications. Here’s my daughter’s profile, for instance:

I don’t recommend this for Facebook for pages that update more than once a day (like me!), but it can be useful for Instagram.

Sign Up for their Newsletter

Finally, if you want to be sure you don’t miss anything good, sign up for their newsletter! Most bloggers have a signup box near the top of their page (mine’s on the top of the sidebar) or at the bottom of posts (I have one down there, too). Often in newsletters you get more info than just in the blog, and then if you miss a day (or even a week) you won’t miss that super viral post that everyone loved.

I have four main newsletters:

My daily blog posts
My weekly blog round up (with links to all posts this week, plus links to what’s been big on social media)
My monthly marriage newsletter (with the biggest marriage posts and reader questions of the month, plus links to older posts on a specific topic that you may not have seen before)
My monthly parenting newsletter (with the biggest parenting posts of the month, plus links to older posts on a specific topic that you may not have seen before)

Choose one, some, or all of them here!

I subscribe to a whole lot of blogger’s newsletters, and I find it really helpful to stay on top of important stuff. And then, if something really bizarre happens with social media, and they change the algorithms again and that blogger disappears from my feed, at least I’ll still have the email.

Like a blogger? Help that blogger! Hit like. Here's why it matters in the big picture:
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I’m going to be honest with you: The Facebook and Instagram updates have largely helped me, but the Pinterest one has killed me (as it has most other bloggers). My traffic is down about 80% from Pinterest, and that’s where most people find me. I do this blog for free, and I don’t charge anyone to read my posts. But I really do pray that more people who need them see them. So if you appreciate what I write (and what other bloggers write!), then please help us just by hitting like whenever, and wherever, you see us. It really does make a difference!

So there you go. With people following so many things, and having so many friends, the feeds often get overwhelming, and the social media platforms are always trying to figure out how to improve YOUR experience (so that they won’t lose you). So basically–you have to train the platforms to understand what you like. If you like something, hit like! Share it. Comment on it. Interact with it. And you’ll keep seeing more and more things just like that again.

Thank your favorite bloggers by liking and sharing their posts! It matters!
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Wifey Wednesday: Confessions of a Bride on a Budget

Can you be a beautiful bride on a budget–can you create a gorgeous wedding without spending a ton of money?

It’s Wednesday, the day when we always talk marriage! And today newlywed Maggie Kraft joins us to explain how she became a bride on a budget, and did it with style! I thought her points would be a great starting point to a discussion, and maybe we can all share in the comments ways that WE saved money on our wedding, while still getting what we wanted.

(This post first appeared on First and Second blog).

Here’s Maggie:

When I first got engaged I was thrilled – the man of my dreams (hilarious, hard-working, soft-hearted, God fearing, wonderful all-around) wanted to spend his entire life with ME! We had been dating for 2 years at that point and I was so ready to say, “I Do!”

I immediately got into planning mode and began taking my Pinterest wedding board ideas into full swing (yes, I had a wedding board long before I got engaged…) However, I quickly realized two things:

Weddings are incredibly expensive and
I have a very limited budget.

Every venue I found cost as much as my entire wedding budget – or more! Just to use the venue!

My parents and fiance’s parents were very generous in helping us out with what they could, but even with their help I knew pulling off my “dream” wedding was going to be tricky.

Now, 8 months later, I can officially say my wedding was everything I could have wanted it to be and more – and I was able to make it happen even with very tight finances.

I know so many brides-to-be are in similar positions (we’re at that age where it’s more shocking if we don’t see a “newly engaged” social media post each week), and I want to encourage all those ladies that if you’re a bride on a budget, don’t fret! I did it, and so can you!

Think Outside the Box for the Wedding Venue

The venue was probably the most difficult thing to find – I knew I wanted something that had an outdoor ceremony and indoor reception, and I wanted it all in one location (picky, I know). However, I knew I could make it work. Instead of googling “wedding venues in Phoenix” I decided to research “unique event sites in Phoenix,” simply because tacking on the word “wedding venue” is instantly going to increase the price of the rental place. Even though they were beautiful, my budget couldn’t afford any traditional venue. I had to think outside the box. We ended up renting out a small nature center that was extremely affordable (less than ¼ of the price of traditional venues) and absolutely beautiful. Parks and churches are also great options that can sometimes be rented free of charge.

Prioritize What’s Important to You for Your Dream Wedding

After the venue was chosen, there was so much more on the to-do list: flowers, catering, decorations, photographer, a DJ, the dress, invitations, rehearsal dinner…the list (and costs!) never seemed to end! There were so many things I wanted for my dream wedding, but I just knew I wasn’t going to be able to have it all, and that made me feel so discouraged. With current pop-culture and reality television, it is so easy to get wrapped up in shows like Four Weddings and Say Yes to the Dress, where the brides have unlimited budgets and a wedding coordinator to plan their entire lavish $50,000 day. However, the truth of the matter was that that bride wasn’t me, and I had to realize that that was okay. You’re not any less of a bride because you can’t afford peonies in your bouquet or floor length tablecloths for your décor.

Some of the best advice I received was to sit down with your fiancé and prioritize the things that are of utmost importance to each of you. Are you dead set on having an incredible professional photographer but couldn’t care less about the “dream dress”? Do you want to cut back on flowers and décor so that you can be inclusive and invite more of those extended family members? Choose what works for you – every wedding is unique and fit to that specific couple. Make it your own! Even though you will have to compromise in some areas, you will be sure to have the most important things done the way you want them.

Look for Samples or Returns for Great Deals on Wedding Dresses

After that discussion, I expressed that my priority was the venue, but that I also cared a lot about my dress. Don’t limit yourself to chain bridal retail stores for a gown – I knew I had a tiny budget but still marched right into a Scottsdale high-end bridal boutique convinced I could find something on sale, was honest about my tiny budget (I’m talking $500 people!), and walked out an hour later having found a dress that surpassed my wildest dreams hugely discounted because another bride had purchased it and changed her mind (P.T.L.) Yes, I recognize this doesn’t always happen, but sample sales and last season gowns are fairly easy to find!

Enlist Your Friends and Family to Help

For everything else, I once again thought out-of-the-box. I signed my mom and her friend up for a free DIY flower arranging class at a local wholesale florist so that they could create handmade bouquets for me, rather than paying a professional to do them. We also enlisted sweet and talented friends as our photographer, videographer, and DJ to cut back on those huge costs. Instead of a wedding coordinator, I had a girlfriend (who has an incredible eye for design) help create centerpieces and put the venue together the morning of the big day. My mom’s friend is a graphic artist and she handmade (and printed!) our invitations as a gift to us. Multiple of my girlfriends who had recently gotten married let me borrow hundreds of dollars worth of décor for centerpieces and tables. The point is, don’t be afraid to ask for help!

Your friends and family want to be a blessing to you during this time, and allowing them to help makes them feel like a part of the big day.

Piecing everything together wasn’t easy, and I frequently got discouraged. I prayed daily for trust and peace, as our expenses seemed never-ending.

Jesus knew financial insecurity was one of the biggest areas in which I needed growth, and he truly used my engagement season to remind me of his consistent faithfulness and provision.

Does this mean he will always provide a hugely discounted wedding gown, or help you get a bonus at work to pay for the day? Absolutely not! But I am convinced that he will provide the resources to help you feel special no matter what – so be on the lookout.

Lastly, remember, your day is going to be beautiful, and not because you are wearing your dream dress or because you are saying your vows in your ideal location. Your day is beautiful because you are starting eternity with your best friend in front of all your family, your friends, and most importantly our sweet creator – and nothing is more beautiful than that.

 

Thanks, Maggie! Now let me know in the comments: How did you save money on your wedding? Let’s share some ideas to help all the newly engaged women who read this blog have a lovely wedding day, too!

Wifey Wednesday Links

I used to host a linkup party on Wednesdays, but for various reasons I’ve had to stop that. I’m sorry for those of you who relied on it for traffic! But I do want to still highlight some great blogs, so today I thought I’d do my own mini-linky party! Here are some great marriage posts from bloggers you may not follow yet–but you should!

Brittany from Equipping Godly Women writes Is Divorce Ever Okay? I’ve written on a similar theme before, and it would be the OTHER side of the story to my post last Monday reprimanding the woman who wanted to marry the guy she’s having an affair with. Great post!

My friend Ngina (I met her in real life when I was in Baltimore!) writes an awesome post at Intentional Today on 5 Scriptures that will Strengthen Your Sex Life. Woo hoo!

Chris, aka the Forgiven Wife, has written about how her years of sexual refusal hurt her husband, and how she’s on a journey to turn that around. Here’s a great post on how she began to let herself feel his pain.

The fun J from Hot, Holy and Humorous has a great post on the effects of creepy guys in our lives. Have past creepy guys impacted your marriage?

Hope you enjoy those posts! And now, let’s talk about any of those subjects, but especially about how we can save money on a wedding.

The post Wifey Wednesday: Confessions of a Bride on a Budget appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.