Sheila Wray Gregoire's Blog, page 163
March 14, 2016
The Best Dating Advice Ever
I know on Mondays I usually post reader questions and try to answer them, and I do have a backlog of about 50. But as I’ve been glancing through so many of them I’ve noticed a commonality:
In many marriages, the roots of the current crisis were evident before the couple was married, but they got married anyway.
And I find myself thinking, as I read these questions: I wish I could have spoken to these women before they got married. I wish I could have warned them.
I’ve read quite a few Christian books on finding a mate recently; the longer I’ve done marriage ministry, the more I feel that we have to spend more time talking to young people about how to choose a mate, so we can spend less time trying to repair marriages in crisis.
Recently I read a book that is totally unique, and I want to share some insights with you–because seriously, this is the best dating advice ever.
It’s found in Andy Stanley’s The New Rules for Love, Sex & Dating, which is unlike any other book on dating I’ve ever read: it’s addressed to young people whose pasts are not pristine. In fact, their presents aren’t even pristine. They’re desperately searching for love, often in the wrong places. They may go to church (or they may not), but they spend their Saturday nights at parties, they keep dating losers, and they wonder how to stop.
In short, his book is directed at so many of my letter writers.
Many books on dating for Christians are directed at practising Christians–those who are walking with Jesus and who truly want to live out His commands for marriage and purity. But what about those who have messed up? What about those who are confused? What about those who are just plain heartbroken and who are searching for someone to love?
People want to be loved. We want to have someone who will know us completely and still want to be with us. But in our yearning for that relationship, we often overlook warning signs. We want the fairytale so badly that we convince ourselves this really is Prince Charming–over and over again, heartbreak after heartbreak.
I love the fact that with Andy there’s no judgment. There’s no: “you’ve really blown it and God wants you to be pure.” Instead, he approaches heartache like a doctor approaches a medical problem. He lays out a convincing case as to why so many people are in these cycles of heartbreak, and then he shows you how to get out of them.
I’m going to get to his one big piece of the best dating advice ever in a minute. But I want to lay the groundwork first. So here are just a few principles to remember:
You are sexually compatible with far more people than you are relationally compatible with.
Many people start a relationship and quickly fall into bed, where it’s often amazing. They think this heady feeling means that they’ve found “the one”. But that’s not necessarily true–and, in fact, most people’s track records show that it isn’t true at all.
Sexual involvement releases hormones that cause us to bond. All we see is the attraction, and then all the red flags fall by the wayside.
Then what happens? There’s a slow fade. Often a couple loses interest in sex together–which Andy says is almost always a manifestation of something else. So what’s the solution? In all too many cases, they get pregnant! A baby will renew their feelings for each other, right?
Wrong. We’re sexually compatible with way more people than we’re relationally compatible with–likely by a factor of a million to one. So just because you enjoy being in bed with someone does not make them right for you. Really, they’re just one among millions.
Commitment isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. The past is a far better predictor of how someone will behave in the future than their decision to commit to you right now.
I was watching The Rewrite recently, a movie that Netflix thought I’d love but that I turned off within 15 minutes. Hugh Grant plays a playboy who is only interested in using women. He’s teaching writing at college, where he meets Marisa Tomei, a single mom who is lovely and vulnerable.
I turned it off because I knew where the movie was going. Here’s this absolute lout who has never behaved morally in his life, but love with this sweet woman would change him.
How many women believe that–that they can change their husbands? Here’s what Andy says:
I’m all for forgiveness and grace. And I believe that people change. But I don’t believe that people change people. And I don’t believe that people change for people. People change themselves. People change themselves when they get sick and tired of themselves, when the pain of staying the same is too great to bear or there’s a goal so enticing that it draws them away from what and who they used to be.
How many times have you heard someone with stars in their eyes rationalize something like, “He has a job interview tomorrow”, or “He feels so badly about the porn use”, or “He hasn’t had a drink in two weeks.”
It’s not that these people can’t change; it’s that, for relationship success, the change must happen independently, between them and God, and it must be proven before any commitment is made.
Just because they promise the moon doesn’t mean they’ll actually deliver it. Look at their track record.
So how do you make better choices? How do you avoid all this heartache and ending up with someone who isn’t good for you?
Ready for it? Here’s that best dating advice ever:
Become the kind of person the kind of person you’re looking for is looking for.
Best Advice about Dating Ever: Be the kind of person the person you want wants. - Andy Stanley
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Stop looking for someone great, and become someone great.
Andy tells the story of a young woman who had made some bad choices. She had grown up in a Christian home, but she now spent most of her after-work life in bars. She had had a string of bad relationships. She was doing well professionally, but her personal life was a mess, riddled with some addictions that she was trying to defeat.
One Sunday she decided to give her church’s college & careers group a try. And she met this most amazing man. He was caring. He had a good job (!). He was confident and smart. And very good looking.
She was over at her parents’ house the next weekend and was gushing over this guy. “This is the one I want to marry!”
And then her mom turned to her and said something harsh. “Honey, a man like that would not choose you.”
Wow. Ouch.
But she realized it was true. Why is it that we only attract a bad sort of person–the kind with bad habits who treats us badly? Maybe it’s because WE are not the kind of person the kind of person we want wants.
That doesn’t mean that she wasn’t a nice person or even that she wasn’t a good person. It was just that she had made life choices, and was continuing to make life choices, that this guy wouldn’t make. She may have had a lovely heart, but what he was looking for was the total package: someone who knew God; who chose well; who wasn’t dragged down by friends; who chose in their leisure to do good and meaningful things, rather than just drinking. That’s what she found attractive about him–he was unlike anyone she knew. But maybe that was the problem: she was hanging out with people who dragged her down. Why didn’t she know any good guys? Because she wasn’t attracting them because she wasn’t acting like the kind of woman a guy like that would want.
Finding the right person starts with figuring out what you want–and then becoming a better version of you.
Andy explains how that means running after God, and he even explains how that means deciding not to have sex while you’re dating. But he doesn’t explain that until chapter 8. He builds his argument slowly, convincingly, and with deep compassion for all the wounded and heartbroken people who just want someone to love them. And who, in the process, have followed the world’s message about love & sex & dating and have found nothing but pain and disappointment and disillusionment.
He’s brutally honest about pornography and erotica. He diagnoses why so many modern relationships fail. And then he points people to another way of finding real love: By becoming the kind of person the kind of person you want wants. And in the process you’ll really find yourself. You won’t feel so alone. You’ll start knowing God. You’ll approach dating from a position of strength and confidence, not desperation. You’ll know that keeping God at the center helps you to choose someone who also keeps God at the center.
And maybe, just maybe, you will find that love you so desperately want.
I loved the book, and I think it’s wonderful for anyone, Christian or not, who is in this seemingly endless cycle of heartache. It’s extremely seeker friendly, and it builds such a great case. It’s not the best book for someone who is already committed to doing things God’s way and is already living that out–I’ll talk about books like that later. But let’s face it: the endless cycle of heartache is actually the majority of people in their late teens and early twenties now. And it’s so great to read a book so filled with truth, and yet so accessible.
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March 11, 2016
Is Marriage Really That Hard?
We hear that all the time. But I’m wondering: Is it necessarily true?
Every Friday I like to run a quick, 400 word inspirational piece on marriage (since usually most of the stuff I write is way longer!) And today I want to look at this question about whether marriage is actually difficult.
Sheila’s Marriage Moment: Is Marriage Really That Hard?
Many people have difficult marriages. But is marriage itself necessarily difficult?
My husband and I were recently debating that question, because honestly, to us, marriage isn’t hard right now. It’s rather lovely and encouraging.
That doesn’t mean marriage has always been easy. But we can link each difficult time to one simple factor: both of us, or one of us, was being self-focused, looking only at our own pain. Once we broke through that and learned to be generous again, marriage changed.
If two people genuinely love and care for each other and want the best for each other (which is hopefully why you married in the first place!), then putting several small habits in place can set your marriage up for major success. Like I talked about last week, talk for twenty minutes a day. That’s not that hard! Speak the positive about your spouse far more than you speak the negative–scan for things to praise, and say them out loud. Ask directly for what you want and need. Be generous sexually. Be affectionate. Study your spouse, learn what makes them feel loved, and then do little things each day to show your husband love.
That really is basically it. And at first it is work: I remember having to count, “have I praised Keith for two things today?” I remember having to say to myself, “tonight we should really make love, so that means I have to start getting in the mood.” I remember having to think, “Keith needs time alone, so I need to encourage that on Saturdays without getting mad.”
It only takes 21 days, though, for a habit to form. We don’t get up in the morning and start complaining, “Man, I have to take a shower AGAIN today. And I have to eat breakfast. And I have to make my bed. And I have to get in the car and drive to work.” We do these things because they’re part of life.
Well, doing those little things is part of marriage. Do them often enough, and they become habits that can change the whole dynamic of your marriage.
That doesn’t mean that there aren’t difficult marriages; sometimes one spouse in particular has allowed selfishness to take over. But marriage itself, with two people committed to doing things right, doesn’t have to be hard. And if it is–then maybe both spouses need to take a good hard look and ask, “are we really seeking each other’s good, or are we only looking to get our own needs met?” Change the focus, and you change the whole marriage.
What’s #1 at To Love, Honor and Vacuum?
It’s not all #1’s this week but we’ve got some different posts hitting the top 4 spots! This week the tops are covering some hard questions and situations in marriage and parenting. Have you or your spouse found yourself dealing with issues like porn or debating the topic of masturbation? How about learning when to start giving your kids the responsibility of chores? Maybe you just need some help learning how to strike up an honest conversation with someone you’ve been talking to for many years. There’s always something new to learn, so check it out!
#1 NEW Post on the Blog: 50 Conversation Starters For Couples
#2 on the Blog Overall: Top 10 Effects Of Porn On Your Marriage
#1 from Facebook: Is Masturbation Wrong In Marriage?
#4 from Pinterest: How Old Is Old Enough–a look at age-appropriate chores
We Recorded at Focus on the Family This Week!
So this week Keith and I flew to Colorado to record two segments for Focus on the Family radio. They’ll likely air May 2 &3, but I’ll keep you updated.
We were talking about 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage, and it was a great discussion. The one point I was really glad I made was the one about submission. I said that I find it odd that we often think the definition of submission in marriage is, “When they disagree, he makes the decisions.” That sounds like it’s assumed that husbands and wives will always be at odds. And if they disagree, there are only two possibilities: either one of them isn’t hearing from God, or both of them aren’t hearing from God. Why not aim for unity?
That’s one reason I think too many segments of the Christian culture have missed the boat when it comes to submission, and it makes me sad. We talked about lots of other things, too, but I hope that survives the edits!
A photo posted by Sheila Gregoire (@sheilagregoire) on Mar 9, 2016 at 7:10pm PST
Here’s another when we were joking around afterwards in the studio:
We’re Flying Home Today…
…from Colorado. So I don’t have a lot of time for more news. I’d love to tell you more about the marriage conference we spoke at last weekend, but I’ve got to get to bed now (I’m writing this Thursday night)! But I sent out a long update to all my supporters (my “patrons” who support this ministry with $5 a month or more) yesterday, with links to all the articles I’ve read lately, what I’m thinking about, what I’m planning for the blog, and more. And they’re all giving me some great feedback about blog series and even titles for books.
When you sign up to be a patron, you get access to chat sessions, free ebooks, webinars, and more. Come on over and check it out!
Thanks, everybody, and have a great weekend!
The post Is Marriage Really That Hard? appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.
March 10, 2016
Living with Mental Illness in Your Marriage
We homeschooled our kids, and to do that well we figured we needed community. So we joined our local homeschooling group where we met lots of other families. And we did a lot of sports together–skating on Fridays, track and field in May and June, soccer and baseball in the fall and spring.
For soccer, one of the dads in the group coached our kids, and they really enjoyed him. We got to know the family quite well, and our kids were friends with their kids.
We got close to the kids especially as the family started attending our church, and my daughter Katie was really good friends with their son and their oldest daughter, too.
I learned a little about the struggles that my friend Ineke and her husband were experiencing, but I never understood the full extent of it.
And today I’d invite you to listen to Ineke’s story:
Ineke’s Story from NotWhoIWasAnymore on Vimeo.
I was speaking in Texas when I got the phone call that Rugge had taken his life.
We made it back for the funeral. It was a huge turnout to support Ineke and her four kids. The service was so sad, but also so full of love.
So many people had wanted to help Rugge, but ultimately the mental illness got the better of him. But it didn’t win–Rugge had a strong belief in God, and I believe that ultimately Jesus will be victorious over this whole situation and family.
It is still a sad road that the family walks. And I think what Ineke wants other women to know is that there is help–and please, get it before things get really bad.
I don’t have a lot of advice today. My heart is still heavy for my friend, and for Katie’s friends. But the children are all beautiful, and are all doing well. And Jesus still has Ineke. And for that, we are all grateful.
If you are living with mental illness in your marriage, PLEASE get help! Don't give up!
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If you live in Ontario, there is a conference coming up on April 9 in Cobourg to help families and churches deal with mental illness. But I’d love to have more links to give people, so if, in your area, there are groups that help support spouses with mental illness, or conferences, let me know in the comments and I’ll try to keep a running list!
The post Living with Mental Illness in Your Marriage appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.
March 9, 2016
Wifey Wednesday: 50 Conversation Starters For Couples
Today’s Wednesday, the day when we always talk marriage! And today I thought I’d list some great conversation starters that you can use with your husband when you want to start connecting–but aren’t sure where to start.
Keith and I are just back from teaching at a FamilyLife weekend marriage conference, and one of the things we really stressed was this:
When you stop talking about the little things, you lose the ability to talk about the big things in your marriage.
Stop talking about the little things & soon you can't talk about the big things. #marriage
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If you want to have those big conversations when tension arises, then you have to be chatting and having fun and sharing your heart on a regular basis.
John Gottman, a marriage researcher, has done some amazing work on breaking down what makes a successful relationship and what makes a relationship on really rocky ground. He’s so good that he’s able to predict, after seeing a couple interact for just 15 minutes, which couples will divorce within 10 years to incredible accuracy, because he’s learned which tiny things really matter.
One of his big findings was this: in successful marriages, you have 5 positive conversations and interactions to every 1 straining one–a 5:1 ratio. But in struggling marriages that split, the ratio is 1:1.
So we have to be intentional about having those positive interactions! But that can be tough, especially with kids, if you’re always exhausted and most conversations have to do with groceries and schedules and naptimes.
Today, then, I’m going to give you 50 conversation starters that are more intentional than many: they’re focused on building memories and dreams together.
And then I’ll give you five ideas on how to use them!
50 fun conversation topics for your marriage--use these conversation prompts together!
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50 Conversation Starters for Couples:
When do you last remember laughing with me the most?
Some people talk to figure out what they’re thinking, and some people don’t talk until they know what they’re thinking. Which do you think you are? Which do you think I am?
What does the word “affection” mean to you? What does the word “romance” mean to you?
What’s one time lately that I’ve made you feel great about yourself? How can I do that more often?
What’s your favorite sexual memory with me? Want to recreate it?
What’s a favorite memory from when we were dating? What made it so fun?
What was a time your mom really messed up with talking to you or punishing you when you were a kid?
What was a time when your dad really messed up with talking to you or punishing you when you were a kid?
What’s something you never confessed to your parents until much later–that you laugh about now?
What song from the radio did you just HATE when you were in your early teens? Why?
What movie did you see when you were really too young to watch it? What effect did it have on you?
When did you first find out about sex? Who told you? What did you think?
Do you remember sleepover parties from when you were a kid? What did you like about them? What did you hate about them?
Who was your best friend when you were 9? Do you know what happened to him/her?
Who was your favorite teacher in elementary school? What did you like about him or her?
What’s your most embarrassing memory from junior high?
What was your favorite toy as a kid that kids don’t really play with now? (If we have kids, should we try to find it for them?)
Tell me about your first crush. Why did you like him/her? Did you ever tell him/her?
Who is your favorite relative from my side of the family?
Who do you miss the most who is waiting for you in heaven?
Who from your past, outside of your immediate family, do you wish that I had had the chance to meet?
Between your parents and your grandparents, who do you think you are most like? In what ways?
Set a timer for four minutes and tell your life story. (This one’s interesting to see what your spouse considers the most important highlights!)
What did you want to be when you were 10 years old?
What were some of your favorite games to play when you were a kid? Do you see any parallels to what you chose to do as a career/calling?
When did you first get that definite feeling, “God is here. He is real.”? Where were you? What were you doing?
What prayer have you been praying for years–and wonder if it will ever be answered?
What word speaks to you most–love or justice? Why? (hint: there is no right answer, since God is both).
What’s your favorite Bible verse (even if you can’t remember it word perfectly)? Why?
If you could be any historical figure for a week, who would it be?
If you could ask advice from any historical figure, who would it be? What would you ask them?
If you could go back to 1936 and kill Hitler without being caught, would you? If so, how? Would you feel guilty about it?
What subject do you find interesting now that you hated in school? Why do you like it now, and why did you not like it then? How would you have taught it differently?
If you could be president without having to campaign, would you do it? If so, what’s the first big change that you’d try to make?
Name two things you want to be remembered for. How can I help you develop those two things?
What does the word “success” mean to you?
What dream have you put on the back burner? Do you think it’ll stay there forever, or would you like to still live it out one day? How can I help?
What normal food that most people eat do you wish you liked but you just don’t?
What’s one pet peeve of yours that you wish that you could get rid of–because it hampers your enjoyment of life?
What’s your idea of a perfect vacation?
If you were on a desert island, but your needs for food and shelter were totally taken care of, what one luxury item would you wish for?
What’s the farthest you’ve ever walked? Why did you walk there?
When you go to the zoo, what animal do you like to watch the most? Why?
You have unlimited money and time. Describe to me your ideal “room” in a house where you would feel the most comfortable.
Name an activity you used to do when you were younger that you don’t do anymore–but you’d likely enjoy if you started again. Do you think we could/should add it to our lives now?
When did you last cry by yourself? How can I help you more when you’re upset?
The house is on fire, but everyone is safely out, the pets are safely out, and all wallets/cash are saved. If you could make one last dash to get something, what would it be?
What is your earliest memory?
Do you ever have recurring nightmares? What are they about?
Choose one superpower: invisibility; flight; teleportation; reading minds; super strength. Why did you choose that? Would you be temped to use your power for evil?
Okay, now that you have these conversation starters, how are you going to use them?
5 Ideas to Weave These Conversation Topics into Your Everyday Marriage:
5 ways to use CONVERSATION STARTERS in your marriage:
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Write 3 on a piece of paper, or put them on your phone, and go for a walk every night after dinner and talk about them. Take turns answering each one. If you have little kids, just put the kids in a stroller and bring them with you.
Have kids? Take 15 minutes after dinner and tell the kids to play, because it’s Mommy/Daddy time. Clean up the dishes together and talk through 3 conversation topics.
Head to bed 15 minutes earlier than usual and use 3 conversation starters while laying down.
Have “Saturday Breakfasts with a Purpose”, where every week you share a special breakfast and work through 10 conversation topics. If you have kids, feed them something fast first and let them do chores, homework, or even watch Netflix while you take special Mommy/Daddy time.
Use 3 conversation topics each night during dinner. Eat without any television or movies, and instead talk with each other!
Remember: the more you get to know each other and talk about real things, the easier it will be to deal with anything else that comes up in marriage! Don’t be lazy, and don’t drift apart. Keep talking. It makes all the difference–and it’s a lot easier than you think!
How have you kept conversation going in your marriage? Let me know in the comments!
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March 8, 2016
Top 10 Reasons to Talk to Your Kids About Sex
Today my friend Rajdeep Paulus, an author of young adult fiction, joins us to talk about her funny conversations with her daughters about sex! Rajdeep proves that it’s okay if you’re nervous and it’s okay if you’re not perfectly scripted. Just keep the conversation with your kids going!
Here’s Raj:
When my twelve and thirteen year olds walked in the door yesterday, I was sitting at my laptop on the couch, and being the straight-shooter mom that I am, I started singing, “Let’s talk about sex, baby.”
My twelve-year old started laughing. And my teen acted like she had no idea what her crazy mother just said. Of course my fifteen-year old left the room to do her homework. She and I had already had the talk. And my eight-year old was at the Boys and Girls club today, but let’s just say, she’s still mulling over the word DNA, because a few days ago, when it was just S. (eight-year old) with hubby and myself on the couch, this conversation transpired:
S.: “Daddy, I know how I’m related to Mommy, because I came out of her, but what about you? How am I related to you?”
Hubby and I looked at each other like YIKES! Is this THE conversation and both started laughing. I know. So mature.
S.: “What’s so funny. Tell me!”
Me: “Your dad will expain it.”
Hubs: “Well, there’s this thing … and well, hmmm… okay, it all starts with eggs and fishies.” Mind you, the hubs is a doctor.
Me: “Fishies? Don’t you want to tell her the correct term?”
S’s face has the classic look of utter confusion.
Hubs: “Ok, you were born with all the eggs you’re ever gonna have.”
S. looks down at her belly: “I have eggs in here? Like a bird?”
Hubs: “So, a baby starts when an egg and not fishies, but a sperm (kinda like a fishie) meet.”
S.: “I am so confused.”
Me? I’m laughing, laughing, laughing, and not helping.
Hubs: “And well, your mom will tell you the rest.”
AND I’m like, “NO! I can’t!!” ← LOOK OF DEATH to the hubs.
Me: “Okay, fine. You’re made up of half of me and half of Dad. It’s all about DNA. What else do you want to know?”
S.: “Ummm… you guys are weird.” *And runs off*
Conversation FAIL!
Ever had a CONVERSATION FAIL with your kids about sex? You CAN start over:
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And Hubs and I both start laughing so hard.
I guess I was just not ready for it. She seems so little, because she’s the youngest.
But the funny thing is, it wouldn’t have been the first conversation with one my kids. My oldest, when she was about ten overheard some friends of ours sharing how they were “trying for a baby.” Next thing I knew, H. asked, “What did they mean by ‘trying?’”
So I took her into the car for a private conversation on sex, and I let her do the asking, and I asked her a lot of questions too, but it was a great conversation and we’ve had more follow-up talks as different things have come up, especially when she hears things at school. So far, she feels comfortable coming home and asking me what I think? Or what some joke means? And I’m so grateful for our relationship and communication.
Not two days after the eggs and fishies talk, my second daughter came home after learning the facts about sex in science class. I only knew because my first said, “Oh, by the way, N. just found out.”
I knew what she meant, and told N., “Hey, let’s talk about sex soon, okay?”
And then my oldest came home and told me that N. said, “Great, now I have to talk to Mom about sex.”
Each of my kids is very different. The first is very open. The second, a little on the shy side. The third thinks she knows it all. And the fourth wants to know it all yesterday. So I try to be sensitive to how they are wired, but sometimes, I overlook what they might be comfortable talking about with what I want them to hear from me first. Sex is one of those topics.
10 Reasons to talk to your children about SEX:
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Here are TEN REASONS to TALK TO YOUR KIDS ABOUT SEX:
1. If you don’t, they might not love, respect, understand, and own their own bodies.
For boys and for girls, this is so important: to not be ashamed of the changes that they are experiencing. Loving and understanding their bodies is the first step to owning the decisions related to your body.
2. If you don’t, they won’t understand what everyone else is talking about.
And everyone at school will have something to say about sex, make sexual jokes, and be referring to slang terms about sex. You want your kids to understand the inside jokes so they won’t feel out of the loop. Yes, you have to gauge that the information is age-appropriate, but we’re their parents, and we need to prepare them to survive in this very sexualized world.
3. If you don’t, Hollywood will teach them an edited version of it.
When I asked my third daughter if she knew about sex, she said, “Sure. It’s in all the movies. Isn’t it just two people sleeping together naked?” So that was her definition of sex. And there are so many shows that never mention contraception, abstinence, commitment, STD’s, pregnancy, or give even two-seconds of attention to the complexity of the female orgasm. No, the Diner scene in When Harry Met Sally does not count.
4. If you don’t, Social Media will put in its two cents.
As in two THOUSAND tweets and Instagram pics of it. And the truth is, how can anyone filter all those images and know what to do with them, if we don’t teach our kids what to look at, how to manage images that they never planned to look at, and how to interpret the images and tidbits of info that are being thrown at them. If they start with the truth and the facts, they have a baseline to work with.
5. If you don’t, they could get hurt.
This is SO important. It starts when they’re old enough to leave your sight. You need to tell your kids about appropriate and inappropriate touches from loved ones and strangers. But it goes further, because sexual assault and date rape are just two injustices that happen when least expected.
6. If you don’t, when and if they get hurt, they won’t know what to do or who to talk to or that it’s okay to talk about it.
This is JUST as important. Because there is so much shame associated with anything sexual in so many cultures that if anything happens, you want your kids to know the proper order of informing a good friend, a responsible adult, a physician, and the proper authorities if needed. On top of it, you want them to feel comfortable coming and talking to you right away.
7. If you don’t, the first (or second or third) person they date will expect it, and they won’t know why or how to take a stand.
I told my kids, “Don’t be surprised if before you graduate from high school, you’ll hear kids brag about it, talk about it like it was nothing and talk about it like it was everything. Most of that is lies. Kids make up a lot of stuff to get attention. But also, don’t be surprised if someone you like or are dating asks you to have sex. Even if he’s a Christian. When you’re in love and attracted to someone, the desire will be there. Trust me.”
This is where your values come into play, and as you raise your children, they will each make their own choices, but as a parent, we guide our kids to learn about faith, convictions, Biblical principals, and the one thing that distinguishes a marital relationship from any other relationship. It’s sex.
8. If you don’t, they won’t know how to make a plan and follow through.
This is where you get into details and speak to your kids before they start dating. They should have a plan as to where they will spend time together. And have a good friend keep them accountable. And they should have candid conversations with the person they are dating well before the first kiss, in my opinion. Because a kiss is like a window: it could very well lead to so much more if your teen and the person they are dating haven’t talked about boundaries. We were all teenagers once, so we know all about those raging hormones.
9. If you don’t, they won’t know how to talk about it with their future partner.
This one is about marriage. But it starts when they’re young. They need to feel comfortable talking to their future spouse about their bodies, their needs, what works, what feels good, what doesn’t, timing, and a whole lot of other things regarding their sexuality. The time to practice being comfortable and real and candid about sex starts when they’re little.
10. Bottom Line: If you don’t, somebody else will.
And that somebody might be the school, a science class, friends, tv, the Internet, music videos, etc. Don’t you want to be the first to have a say in how your kids understand on of the most natural and beautiful gifts God has created?
And I’ll be honest, I wish I had brought up the topic before my two middle kids heard it in school. The good thing is we’re talking about it. And I said, several times, “Your body is beautiful. A gift. And sex is a good thing. A good, good thing. A gift from God.”
Both girls nodded, smiling, even able to make eye contact.
And I ended with, “And from now on, until you get married, and even after you get married, you can ask me anything. Or ask your father. No question is too small, or weird, or hard, or inappropriate. If I don’t know the answer, I’ll look into it. Okay?”
“Okay.”
Bottom Line: They can talk to us.
And yes, we need to revisit the “eggs and fishies” conversation with my eight year old. Take two should go a lot smoother now that I have the giggles out of my system. I hope. I’ll let you know how it goes.
Now go forth, and talk to your kids about sex. Because there’s no denying it: if you don’t, somebody else will.
If you don't talk to your children about sex, someone else will.
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Want to see more about how to have that conversation with kids about sex?
Raj writes on 10 Questions Teens Ask About Sex
Sheila writes on 10 Ways to Raise Kids with Healthy Sexuality
Rajdeep Paulus studied English Literature at Northwestern University, and spent over a decade as an English Teacher and SAT Tutor, during which she married her best friend from Chicago whom she then followed to the island of Dominica where he began medical school. Fourteen years, four daughters, and a little house on a hill in the quaint town of Locust Valley, New York later, she now blogs weekly and writes masala-marinated, Y.A. fiction.When Raj is not tapping on her Mac, you can find her dancing with her princesses, kayaking with her hubs, coaching basketball or eating dark chocolate while sipping a frothy, sugar-free latte. She writes about all her books and musings here, and secretly hopes someday she’ll own a laptop that f
unctions under water.
And check out her first YA Novel: Swimming Through Clouds! Sheila reviewed it here. The sequel is and Seeing Through Stones.
The post Top 10 Reasons to Talk to Your Kids About Sex appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.
March 7, 2016
Reader Question: Has My Sexual Past Doomed my Future Relationships?
If you’ve been promiscuous in the past, is your future marriage doomed?Every Monday I like to post a Reader Question and take a stab at answering it. This week’s question is all about the past: It haunts many of us. What seems like willful fun at the time ends up causing great distress, shame and worry down the road. I’ve asked Danielle Tate, author of Restoring the Lost Petal, to answer this one since I’m traveling to Colorado right now to record the Focus on the Family Radio program this week. Here’s our question:
I was promiscuous as a teen for a few years. Sometimes it haunts me more than others. I also think I have a sexual problem that makes me overly attracted to men too quickly. I fear that I’m wasting my life being absorbed in thinking about sex and men vs. really becoming someone I want to be…I also fear I won’t meet someone one day who can both look past my mistakes, and who I can feel like I love completely in a way that is fully satisfying for both of us. I am afraid my past sexual experiences will overshadow the one I have in marriage, if I ever get married.
Here’s Danielle:
Like you, I did not wait until I was married to have sex. My first boyfriend came at age 16 and within a few months we had sex. We were both virgins so we justified that it was okay. As in most cases, we didn’t make it much past graduation and then a short string of guys crossed my path and with each one I gave a piece of myself away. Deep down I wanted a life partner but all I was getting was life-long heartache. Those pieces I gave turned into long tethers that held me to each guy even after I was married. You can read more about my story here.
As I read your question I asked the Lord to highlight what He wanted me to address. Three things stuck out to me.
The root of over attraction
Fear
Overcoming your past
Let’s look at these more closely.
Over-Attraction to Men
You mention being overly attracted to men and possibly falling for them too quickly. You are not alone. Many women seek comfort in men as a way to compensate for an underlying, deeper issue. It could be from a bad relationship with your father, no father figure, childhood abuse, molestation or assault. I don’t’ know your particular reason but I suspect there is an underlying cause to your over attraction to men and sex.
These seed issues that are planted in us as children grow into feelings of worthlessness, self-hate and more. Then, as we grow, our outlet becomes running to the first guy who will give us attention, even if it means we must have sexual contact with them in order to get it. For a few brief moments our pain subsides. The problem is, the pain doesn’t really subside, it only grows with each new partner we have.
Overcoming your over attraction to men comes when you realize your own self-worth, no matter your past. Grab hold of the truth that, if you are saved, you are a daughter of the King! Your Heavenly Father finds value in you.
I encourage you to spend time committed to realizing your value in Christ. Take some time away from men and see the Man who died for you. I highly recommend the Bible study, Falling in Love with Jesus by Kathy Troccoli.
Fear of the Future
Fear feels like a noble thing sometimes. I used to live in a world where, if I wasn’t fearful and worrying, then I wasn’t a responsible adult. I had to fear things, I had to worry about the unknown. I can tell you, fear does nothing to facilitate healing. Nonproductive thoughts serve no purpose and only breed more crippling fear. The Bible tells us to take very thought captive in 2 Corinthians 10:5. You see, God has given us the ability to capture our thoughts and think about our thinking.
The thoughts we have do not need to linger in our minds causing fear, doubt, worry, shame and more. When fearful thoughts come to you about your past, your present or your future you can stop them. I sometimes say out loud, “No, I will not think this way! God says…..” and then replace the negative with something positive from God’s Word. I encourage you to find some scriptures to hang on to and memorize. You don’t have to know them perfectly with chapter and verse, but speaking them out loud is a powerful weapon to stop fear and turn your thinking around.
Once you’re not living in the fear you can clearly see to address other issue, overcoming your past.
Overcoming Your Sexual Past
Saving sexual contact for marriage isn’t just a rule God created to watch us suffer and squirm. The Sovereign Lord knows what He’s doing. And, while we have free will to do as we please, following His plans and His guidance will keep us at the highest level of peace and the lowest levels of shame, guilt and condemnation.
But just because that’s His plan doesn’t mean you cannot overcome your past. Overcoming our past means forgiving times three:
Forgiving your lovers/abusers/perpetrators
Forgiving yourself
Accepting God’s forgiveness
The road to healing is paved by forgiveness, guided by God and lighted by Truth. Your past will never go away–it is part of your history. However, your past is not the compass that guides your future.
As you forgive and accept forgiveness you must also address the soul ties that have been created between you and your sexual partners. These are the tethers that held me down to my past and they are doing the same to you. You cannot see clearly because you are still seeing through the lens that has you tied to your past.
I can’t give you a time-frame on your healing journey. The Healer works in His time, not ours. Sometimes healing comes like a rushing wind, sudden and quick removing our stains almost instantly. Other times healing’s path is like a winding dirt road, the travel is slow, sometimes bumpy but at the end is a beautiful place of restoration and refreshment.
Thanks so much, Danielle! I love Danielle’s heart for getting to the root of the issue in this reader’s overattraction and in her fear. Telling yourself the truth is so important!
But I think that last point is so crucial, too, and I need to reiterate what Danielle said. Certainly God’s plan is for us to wait until marriage, but just because you didn’t wait doesn’t mean you’re doomed at all! In the research I did for The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, I did find that those women who were virgins on their wedding night had the best sex. But it wasn’t like they rated their sex life a 10 and everyone else rated it a 1. The difference was real, but it wasn’t dramatic, because what mattered more was not where you came from but where you are today. When couples felt a great deal of spiritual connection with each other, regardless of their sexual pasts, they tended to rate their sex life really high.
Do you get that? What matters is not what you’ve done with your body in the past but what you do with your heart now.
Take a look at Danielle’s book Restoring the Lost Petal on breaking soul ties. Re-read my post “A Letter To Those Who Feel Like They’ve Lost Their Purity“–because purity is never lost when we know Jesus. He is the source of our purity, not what our bodies did. And then keep telling yourself the truth!
Danielle Tate, founder of Thrive Ministries, is passionate about sharing her message or restoration with women of all ages. After 13 years in the corporate world, she became a stay at home wife and mother and began making natural beauty products and blogging. She is the author of Restoring the Lost Petal: A Journey Through the Loss and Restoration of Sexual Purity. Danielle is married to Brad and they have a son, Wyatt.
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March 4, 2016
The Twenty Minute Marriage Secret
Every Friday I like to post a quick, inspiration 400-word marriage post with ONE thought to help you. Here’s this week’s, on how it doesn’t take long to connect.
“Technology is ruining marriages!” “We need to unplug and start talking!” “We need a date night!”
We hear things like this constantly, yet couples don’t seem to heed the advice. Why not?
Maybe it’s because we turn connecting into an all-or-nothing activity. If we don’t spend an entire evening together, our marriage is doomed. If we don’t completely unplug, we’ll never be close. And yet people like their devices. I like my Netflix–my husband and I are really into The 4400 right now. And taking a whole evening for a date night? When you have small children, it seems daunting.
What if this all-or-nothing approach is wrong?
Yesterday I had so many thoughts swimming through my brain. I had talks to plan for the FamilyLife Canada marriage conference where my husband and I are speaking tonight. I had worries about a friend. I had good news from my girls. I had too many things on my to-do list.
When Keith came home, though, he had some work to finish up, so I fleshed out our talks. Then we headed out to the hot tub together and shared our “highs” and “lows” of the day. I told him my news and concerns. We processed it, made plans to deal with some of it, and then dried off, headed back inside, and watched The 4400 (while I knit!).
And you know what? I felt heard, and I know what’s going on in his life.
We try to talk for 20 minutes a day. Sometimes it’s while we’re going for a walk after dinner. Sometimes it’s while we’re playing a board game together. And, yes, sometimes it’s in the hot tub. But those 20 minutes are precious.
Would I like more time? Sometimes. But you know what? I also like watching The 4400. I also like going out with other couples or having them over to our house. And I like talking to my girls and my mom, too! On average, we only have three and a half hours between when Keith comes home from work and when we have to head to bed. If we can spend half an hour of that connecting, we catch up, feel close, and all is good.
Let’s be more realistic about what most couples face, and more honest about what couples need. You don’t need to stop doing all your hobbies so you can stare into each other’s eyes for four hours. Just make sure you’re sharing your heart and you know what’s going on in his. It’s only twenty minutes a day. You can do it!
What’s #1 at To Love, Honor and Vacuum?
So I’d love to post what’s ACTUALLY #1 in all of these categories–but often it’s the same post in all 4, or it’s the same post over and over. So here are 4 DIFFERENT posts this week, and they’re all number 1’s and 3’s! It’s all about intimacy with the hubby and doing the hard work when the kids are young to create peace in the home –and to help raise the kind of kids that become people we actually like!
#1 NEW Post on the Blog: You Can Raise Kids You Actually Like
#1 on the Blog Overall: How To Initiate Sex With Your Husband
#3 from Facebook: When You Don’t Want To Make Love
#3 from Pinterest: The Importance Of Disciplining Toddlers
This picture has been seen by 2,000,000 this week alone
Seriously, it went crazy on Facebook again. It does that every so often–I put it up two years ago, but sometimes it takes on a life of its own.
You can share it, too, right here!
Raising Kids You Actually Like Launched This Week
Did you miss it? My new ebook is now LIVE! It’s the best posts on the blog on how to discipline kids, but also on how to talk to them and create a great relationship with them so that you actually want to be around them.
Many of these blog posts are from back in 2008, and you may never have seen them! But they’re good. And I organized them so they told quite the story. Then I added a bit more, and had some printables created, and voila! So if you’ve ever wanted all of my parenting advice in one place, here it is!
Inside Sheila’s Brain
A bunch of people got their own special email yesterday of what’s going on inside my brain–what I’m planning to write, what I’m worried about, what’s going on in my family. And they also got my ebook FREE!
They’re my patrons, the ones who support me on a monthly basis for as little as $5 a month, to help me improve the blog (looks like I need a new server, too, because it’s been so slow the last two days because of massively increased traffic), and to expand marriage ministry overseas.
It’s a win-win for everyone! If you’ve wanted to get to know more about me personally, and you want to help me with what I do, come on over and check it out!
We’re Teaching at a Marriage Conference This Weekend
Keith and I are in beautiful Niagara on the Lake teaching at a weekend marriage conference, and I hope to “live” blog it on Facebook and Twitter. So if we’re not connected on Facebook, come on over!
And pray for me, because I’m really distracted right now just with some personal crises that some friends are going through. Two particular couples that are really on my heart and mind, and I’m finding it hard to focus.
Then on Sunday we fly out to Colorado so that we can record on Focus on the Family together! So it’s a busy week, but it’s fun to be with my husband.
Have a great weekend, everyone!
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March 3, 2016
When You Need to Forgive the Other Woman in Your Husband’s Life
Today Lauren McKinley from Her Soul Repair joins us to tell what I think is honestly a beautiful story about “the other woman”. I’ve never been in her position, but this still brought tears to my eyes, and I think is a beautiful example of grace in a difficult situation. Here’s Lauren:
Scenes from the past three years of my life have looked very similar to an episode of a trashy talk show. Double lives, affairs, addiction, manipulation and all sorts of crazy in between. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve thought to myself, “This can’t be real life!”
And worse off, it rarely died down. As soon as I thought the madness was lessening, I’d be jolted in the opposite direction with a whole new twist. Each new twist brought me to a deeper level of emotional exhaustion, heartbreak, and grief.
Our divorce was final this past April and I will say it’s been smooth(er) sailing since then. The finality felt nice. Not nice in a, “what great news!” type of way, but more in a freedom to start over knowing I gave my marriage my whole heart. I use finality lightly because in having our daughter, there was no real end to the relationship I hold with my ex-husband. Nor do I want there to be for the sake of my daughter. She deserves parents that remain united in their love for her. However, still having him in my life does bring a tricky dynamic, to put it politely. Mostly because it’s not just him, it’s them.
The third party in our story–the other woman–stuck around.
There was much resistance on my end about the interactions that would come between “the other woman” and my daughter. There was a full year where they did not see one another. I didn’t trust her intentions for my family (for obvious reasons) nor did I trust her character.
Graciously, after a year had gone by of her respecting my request, I saw fit for my daughter to spend time with her. After all, my daughter was piecing together that Daddy’s “friend” lived at Daddy’s house. My daughter only had nice things to say about this new person in her life, and if there’s one staple I could give for the entire divorce and rebuilding process, it would be, take the good with the bad.
If you’re currently sharing your child with someone you’d rather not, take heart.
I will tell you flat out, splitting time with the other woman got easier. This time was never spent alone, always with my ex-husband supervising. Sifting through this new reality is a completely separate tangent. There are many practical and legal specifics that go into their current relationship. And these stipulations WILL change IF this woman takes on the role of stepmom.
For now, I view her as an individual who shows care for my daughter (and lives with my ex-husband). That very statement has been a gradual undertaking. The shift away from viewing her as the homewrecker is ongoing, one that is motivated by forgiveness.
This is fresh in my mind because last week I received an email from her.
As I said before, since April life has been smooth(er), but there are loose ends. This was one of them. Her email offered an apology. Her words illustrated awareness of the destruction she caused. She spoke of her hope for a cordial blended family in the future.
She understood if I didn’t respond. She understood if I still hated her.
In short, my response to her read a little something like this:
My choice to forgive has been a process that I decided on three years ago, soon after everything went down. I say process because it is a decision I have to make over and over. Some days it’s easier than others and some days I am better at it than others. The past is behind us and life has moved on.
People make mistakes and all we can do at this point is make the most of the situation we are in … I too have hopes of a blended family where everyone gets along famously, being that exception to the rule of tension and bitterness. We can navigate through that once it’s more of a reality though. As for now, thank you for reaching out and for showing care for my daughter.
Many advised me not to respond, that “the other woman” didn’t deserve to even hear from me.
However, if I’ve learned anything it’s to keep your peanut gallery safe and protected. I saw her apology as brave and humble.
This little back and forth between us had me reflecting on the forgiveness that has occurred over the past three years. I spent months where my mind would spin with questions like, “How do you forgive the person who took the life you loved, the heart of your spouse and the family your daughter deserved?” It always came back to committing to the decision, not the feeling. Ironic how that notion would have kept us from this mess in the first place.
The wisdom of C.S. Lewis acted as an anchor:
Do not waste time bothering whether you ‘love’ your neighbor; act as if you did. As soon as we do this we find one of the great secrets. When you are behaving as if you loved someone, you will presently come to love him.
For me, I would replace love with forgiveness in the passage above, although if we are being real, the two go hand in hand.
Nothing about forgiveness is easy. Nothing about it is deserved.
However, the alternative leaves you in a bitter, emotional prison. My decision to forgive has pieced my heart back together. With all that piecing back together, I can honestly say I stand thankful to experience forgiveness at this great of depth. In a way, it gives me a humble glimpse into the forgiveness God graciously extends. And if you feel that forgiving is just too much, simply act as if you do, and you will. Commit to the decision, not the feeling.
When it comes to forgiveness, commit to the decision, not the feeling.
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Lauren McKinley is the founder of Her Soul Repair, an online community of women who are healing from the brokenness in marriage. Her heart gushes for all things marriage and family. More specifically, she loves encouraging women who have every reason to call it quits in marriage. She is a Truth-seeker, mama to one, teacher by trade, and writer by passion. Her first book, Stop Wrecking My Home, will be released in Fall 2016. When she’s not writing, she enjoys spending time with her daughter, sharing meals with dear friends, and adventuring to new places. She is most passionate about sharing the peace God can bring to even the most heartbreaking situations.
Have you ever had to forgive someone when it seemed virtually impossible? Let’s talk in the comments!
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March 2, 2016
Wifey Wednesday: 3 Things I Remember About the Night I Met Keith
It’s Wednesday, the day when we always talk marriage! And today I thought I’d give you the inside peek on how my marriage started.
Earlier this month I took my daughter Katie to Nashville so she could film some videos with the YouTube ensemble Blimey Cow–Josh and Jordan Taylor, and Josh’s wife Kelli.
They spent most of the day filming, but I did have dinner with all of them, and we got talking. And then I found Kelli’s blog, and this cute post she wrote called 3 Things I Remember About the Night I Met Josh. So fun reading about other people’s love stories!
And it got me thinking–what was it like when I met Keith? Some of you may actually like to know (or not. But I’m going to write it anyway).
So let me tell you the story.
I was in my first year at Queen’s University in Kingston, Ontario, and I was seriously infatuated with this 24-year-old Master’s student whom I eventually ended up dating for a while.
I also had made a number of friends in the campus IVCF group, including Evelyn (who became my best friend and my future roommate) and her future boyfriend, Rob. In fact, the three of us used to hang out in my apartment.
Now, it turns out that Rob and Evelyn both knew this guy named Keith, but somehow, even though I attended all of the IVCF events all year, by mid-January I hadn’t met him yet. But I had said that I was interested in joining a Christian drama group, and one night we had a meeting where they ordered pizza and gave us desserts (so all the students would come) and talked about what we could do on campus.
And that’s where I met Keith. So what are my 3 things I remember?
He was really dorky. His clothes weren’t particular fashionable, he didn’t have a particularly fashionable haircut or anything, and he was obviously brilliant.
He quickly became the life of the party. He told funny jokes and EVERYBODY was listening to him. Even though we were among the younger students there, he became the focal point.
He did this super silly thing of deciding to freeze–not blinking and not moving–to see how long he could stay that way with all of us trying to get him to stop. I didn’t try. I thought it was dorky (see #1, above). But he told me later that he did it to try to get my attention.
We both ended up joining the drama troupe, and we ended up practising together a lot that spring. He quickly became my best friend, and when everything fell apart with that 24-year-old guy, he was there and he understood.
Keith and I were pretty much best friends from that time forward, but we didn’t develop romantic feelings for about a year after that. Keith and I had a rocky courtship (I detail a lot of it in my book, 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage), because we fell for each other hard once we finally did start to date, but then he broke off our engagement.
Our best friends were also engaged, and their engagement also ended, and during the summer when we were all broken up my friend Evelyn and I took off to England to get our minds on something else.
But then, later that year, Keith and I got back together and they got back together, and next year we’ll each have our 25th anniversaries. I’m hoping we’ll get together and do something (hint hint: Evelyn, you say you read my posts, so let’s plan on it!).
So it was friends from first sight, but not love at first sight. And our courtship was not perfect. But our marriage is awfully fun, and I wouldn’t trade it for anything.
Incidentally, here’s Keith yesterday, reading 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage. We’re flying out to Colorado next week to record for Focus on the Family, and they want both of us in the broadcast. So he figured he had better brush up on what I said in the book! (his comment: It’s a seriously good book. Not as life changing for ME personally as The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, but still seriously good.)
Now I’ll throw the question out to you: what are three things you remember about the time you met your husband? Was it love at first sight, or were you overwhelmed with his dorkiness, too (just like Kelli and me!)? Let me know in the comments!
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March 1, 2016
5 Steps To Actually Stop Watching Porn
So often the approach to getting someone to stop watching porn is to tell them how bad porn is–and I definitely thinks there’s a role for letting people know about the negative effects of porn. But just knowing that this is bad for you doesn’t necessarily stop the habit. Unless it’s paired with a more practical strategy, it can actually build shame.
Recently my daughter Katie made a video about how to stop watching porn, and I thought I’d use it as a jumping off point for discussion. Here she is:
5 Steps to Quit Watching Porn: With Practical TIPS, not Guilt TRIPS:
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Here’s what I like about the video: it’s practical, and it doesn’t assume that the person watching porn is male. In her demographic, a lot of porn users are female. We need to stop talking about porn as if it’s a male problem, and we need to realize that porn is a humanity problem.
So here are 3 practical to-do steps she talks about with how to quit porn:
Recognize WHEN you’re more likely to use porn
Do what you can to avoid those situations
Keep electronics out of your bedroom
She also has some super important points about talking to God about it and dealing with shame, but I really want to talk practical for a moment.
I’ve never been addicted to internet porn, but I have had to quit an addiction. I know this isn’t to the same level, and I don’t mean to minimize or belittle someone who is trying to quit something much worse. But I had a real issue with Diet Pepsi. I had to drink one every day at 11:00. I yearned for Diet Pepsi. But I don’t drink them at all anymore. I quit about 2 years ago after reading some books from one of the Ultimate Healthy Living Ebook Bundles.
But here’s the thing: what I realized was that I needed to recognize that everyday at 11:00 I would yearn for a Diet Pepsi, and if I didn’t have another plan in place for when 11:00 came around, I would fall.
If you don’t have a plan, you create a vacuum. And then you’re just going to fall back into the same patterns. It’s like the parable from Matthew 12:43-45: If someone gets rid of all the evil spirits, and sweeps their house clean, then one day those spirits will come back and say, “hey, look! It’s totally empty! I’m going to move back in and bring a ton of my buddies!”
The moral: It’s great to get rid of bad stuff, but unless you also FILL IT with good stuff (like Jesus), the change won’t last. You’re only going to make it worse.
So if you watch porn, think about this: what triggers the porn use? Stress? Boredom? Being alone? Have a plan for what to do when that hits. That can help avoid those moments when you’re drawn to it.
Now I haven’t had time to write a super long post this morning–I was busy yesterday with my book launch, and we’re packing to leave for Colorado next week where we’re recording for Focus on the Family.
But I did want to bring this up, and I think it’s a great opportunity for discussion. How do you stop a bad habit? How do you avoid that “vacuum”? And how should we deal with the fact that porn is not just a male problem anymore? Let’s talk in the comments!
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