Sheila Wray Gregoire's Blog, page 166
February 1, 2016
Top 10 Ways to Make Valentine’s Day Last All Month!
And I believe that we can make Valentine’s Day last ALL month, because this is a special February. This one has 29 days. So let’s do something different!
In fact, I’m doing something different today. Usually I have my “Top 10” posts on Tuesdays. But since today is the beginning of Valentine’s Day month, I decided that we should launch it today!
I’m a big believer in marriage, and so I want to share with you 10 ideas–all of them very different–that you can start TODAY and do for a whole 29 days. Why settle for just one day of love when you can make it last for 29?
So choose the idea that would work best in your marriage, and DO IT!
10 ways to make Valentine's last all month--and connect with your husband!
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Sexy Ways to Connect for Valentine’s Month
1. Work through 29 Days to Great Sex!
Four years ago today this blog exploded. My traffic went up tenfold just over the course of the month because of my 29 Days to Great Sex series, which I wrote leading up to the release of my book, The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex.
If you never did that series, today’s a great day to start! Directed at wives, there are challenges everyday that will help you get to the point where sex really is awesome in your marriage.
I turned this series into a longer book, 31 Days to Great Sex, with challenges directed at couples. I turned some of the days in the original 29 into “time outs”, added several more challenges, and changed the slant so couples can work through it together. If you’d rather have it all in one place, with extra challenges and with things your husband can do, too, check out the book form! (and best of all, the ebook version is only $4.99!)
2. Revel with the MELT Massage Course
I absolutely love the MELT Massage videos! It’s an online program where you get access to all of their step-by-step instructions on how to give a sensual–and therapeutic–massage.
Just touching each other can bring us so much closer together. And massage relaxes you, releases toxins, and helps you feel oh-so-wonderful.
Ever since I hit 40 I’ve found that if I don’t get a regular massage, I’m in pain. So massage has become a regular occurrence in our marriage. And Denis Merkas shows in these videos exactly how to give an amazing massage–with lots of tips to keep it romantic, too! Each video is just a few minutes in length–you watch it, and do it. By the time you’ve finished one series of videos, you’ll know how to give a half hour routine.
But if you’d rather just do a 15 minute routine, or if you only have time for a 5 minute routine–Denis shows you which strokes you should use for those, too!
Each night, just switch who’s giving and who’s receiving!
When I watched the videos for the first time we learned a ton about what we were doing wrong. We were starting too hard–going right for the knots. We weren’t using the right kind of massage oil. And I wasn’t even positioned properly! With his tips it’s totally changed, and now Keith gives almost as good a massage as my massage therapist.
The course is bundled together for just $89 (it’s normally $147), and this is the last time it will ever be offered at this low a price.
Buy it for Valentine’s Day and you can also get a downloadable gift voucher to give to your husband.
3. Try a Different Position Each Time you Make Love–can’t repeat one this month!
Want to spice things up in the bedroom? Make a pledge that this month you won’t make love in the same position twice! That’s a fun way to try new things and add a bit of adventure (and a lot of laughs!) And who knows, you may even build your flexibility.
The rules: You have to START in a new position. You don’t have to FINISH in a new position. After all, many women have one or two “go to” positions that feel the best, so just use the new one as foreplay, if necessary, and then you can always switch around. But let him know that you want to keep things fresh, and even spontaneous!
4. Buy Some New Satin Sheets
Make your bedroom brand new! Buy some new romantic sheets or bedding that you can enjoy all throughout the month. Okay, you may have to do laundry, of course, but you can make it feel extra “special”.
Romantic Ways to Connect for Valentine’s Day Month
5. Write a love note everyday–29 Things I Love About You
Everyday, give your husband a boost and tell him a NEW thing you love about him, or a memory that you enjoy with him. Write it on a note (you can even cut it into hearts) and stick it somewhere he’ll find it. Maybe in his lunch, or in his pocket, or with his keys. Try to pick a different place everyday so that he starts looking forward to finding them.
6. Everyday text or email a picture of 29 memories
Here’s a variation on the love note idea: instead of writing notes about what you love about him, send him a text or an email everyday with a different photo, and tell him why you love that particular memory. Celebrate the life you’ve made together!
“Build Your Relationship” Ways to Connect for Valentine’s Day Month
Make Valentine's last all month! Top 10 Ways to create a romantic (and fun!) February:
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7. Start a Hi/Lo Marriage Daily Check In
As I shared in 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage, it’s DRIFTING that’s natural. Staying close takes work! So what are you doing to stay close?
Many couples only communicate about FACTS, the things that are going on in their lives, or about OPINIONS, or what they think about things. To really know each other we have to share our feelings and our vulnerabilities. Here’s a relatively easy way to do that: everyday, share what your highlight was and what your lowlight was.
But my husband and I put a little bit of a twist on it. We don’t just share when we were happiest or when we were most miserable; we think instead about when we were most “in the zone”–when we felt the most at peace, the most satisfied, the most like God was working through us. And then we share when we were troubled, or out of the zone.
It helps us reflect ourselves and see patterns of where God is working in our lives, but it also helps us to know what’s going on in each other’s hearts!
Read more about how to implement this new marriage habit.
8. Walk Every Day
Do you find that screens eat into your together time? Do you find that you don’t talk very much because of netflix or video games or television?
Take a walk everyday after dinner! It will give you time to talk, and you can even do it when you have young kids. Just stick them in the stroller and go outside. We started walking when our kids were small; we found they were much quieter when they were in a stroller. And it gave us time to connect.
Bonus: Combine walking with sharing your hi/lo for the day for added intimacy!
9. Start a Big Fun Game or Puzzle
Spending time together playing something rather than watching something creates shared memories in a much more tangible way–and gives you a chance to laugh together and talk, too!
So what about starting something that will take a LONG time to finish–and then challenging yourselves to finish it in February? Say a 5000 piece puzzle.
Then at the end of the month you can say–we did this together!
When my husband and I were traveling around in our RV this fall and winter we started a Medieval War campaign computer game (it’s more strategy than hacking off limbs, don’t worry!). We’re playing the Venetians, and we’re almost finished. But it’s been on ongoing game, and I’ll always remember this year as the year of the Venetians!
Don’t want to do ONE thing for a whole month? Then how about making February the “let’s play games” month, but trying new ones? I’ve got a list of 2-player board games here.
10. Bedtime Routine–Go to Bed Together (and at a Decent Time!)
What about making February the month of the 10:00 bedtime? Or the month that you decide, “after the kids are in bed, we don’t use any screens except for Friday night at home date night”?
With kids we have bedtime routines–we have a snack, take a bath, read a story, sing a song, say prayers, give kisses. It helps kids make the transition from daytime to nighttime.
Adults need bedtimes, too! Instead of staying up on screens until you’re tired, decide, “I’m going to go to bed in time to get 8 hours of sleep.” But that means going to bed even earlier! If you want 8 hours of sleep, and you have to get up at 6:30, that means going to sleep at 10:30. So this month, head to bed with your hubby at 9:45. Take the next 45 minutes to snuggle, to talk, to share your hi/los, to pray as a couple, and to read Scripture together. And, of course, you can always make love!
Go to bed early enough that you have time to connect. Spend that last hour together, rather than on screens. And get enough sleep. And you’ll find you don’t just feel more romantic. You feel more energetic!
There you go–10 ways to make Valentine’s Day last all month!
It doesn’t need to be just about flowers or chocolates. You can decide that this month you’ll prioritize your marriage and start something new to help you keep close, love each other a ton, and prevent that drift.
Happy February everyone!
31 Days to Great Sex is here (only $4.99!) It's the best $5 you'll ever spend on your marriage!
Learn to talk more, flirt more, and even explore more! You'll work on how to connect emotionally, spiritually, AND physically.
Find out more To Love, Honor and Vacuum.
January 29, 2016
How a Simple To-Do List Can Revitalize Your Sex Life
Every Friday I like to post a shorter piece, with just one nugget to think about. Here’s today’s, on how a to-do list can actually make your sex life better!
Sheila’s Marriage Moment: Use a To-Do List to Revitalize Your Sex Life
Ever had this happen–you’re having a really good time in bed with your husband when all of a sudden a thought pops into your head:
Is there milk in the fridge for breakfast?
And before you know it you’re creating a shopping list, a meal plan, and a map of what errands you’ll do tomorrow.
Or what about this one: your husband leans in close, and you begin to respond, when suddenly you push him away and start a long rant about all the things you’re expected to do for an upcoming women’s retreat.
One of the biggest problems with women and sex is that our minds keep wandering–and when we can’t concentrate on what’s happening, then our bodies check out. And the more stuff we have on our minds the more likely we are to wander.
That’s where a to-do list can come in handy!
I recently read an interesting post about McGill University professor Daniel Levitin, who is an expert in productivity. He found that people who make lists tend to get much more done. The reason? When we don’t make lists, then we’re holding all of these tasks in our heads, trying desperately to remember them all. That’s a lot of mental pressure!
Listen to the logic behind it:
Most people can only hold about four things in their mind at a time, Levitin said. (And, let’s be real, you probably have way more than four things to do today.) List-making takes that mental juggling out of the picture: You don’t think about what you have to do, and you’re not distracted (at least not as much) since it’s written down in front of your face, which allows you to become immersed in whatever activity it is that you’re tackling.
I read that last bit–become immersed in whatever activity it is that you’re tackling–and naturally, I thought of sex! When we get into the habit of making lists, then we stop this mental pressure to remember everything, and we can let it go. We’re freer to just be present in the moment.
So here’s a tip for you: tonight, before you go to bed, make a list of the things that you have to do, the groceries you have to buy, the errands you have to run. Talk to your husband about the concerns that are on your mind. Take a look at your scheduler so you know what’s in the agenda. And then–*poof*–you can let it go, and just enjoy your husband!
What’s #1 at To Love, Honor and Vacuum?
It looks like there’s been some popularity with some of the recent posts! Let’s take a look back at some others–because sometimes the same posts show up from different sources, so I’ll include #2 or #3 instead!
#1 NEW Post on the Blog: Wifey Wednesday: Believe He Means Well!
#3 on the Blog Overall: Have We Forgotten How To Be Mommy?
#1 from Facebook: Purity Culture: 10 Things That Scare Me
#4 from Pinterest: The 43 Folder System: Organizing Your Paper Clutter
We’ve Been Shivering in Our RV…
It was COLD in Florida when Keith and I were down birdwatching.
Here I am, sitting in our RV, wrapped in a duvet and wearing a fleece sweater and fingerless gloves. And checking the comments on this important post.
But We Saw a Ton of Birds…
My husband is actually quite a good photographer, and we went for quite a few hikes and saw a lot of great birds–along with alligators, possums, snakes, and armadillos, which are all exotic for us!
Here are just two shots, but you can see all of them at his Flickr album from our trip!
And I Spoke in Georgia!
These two awesome groups put on a Girl Talk with only about 3 weeks notice! First I was in Dacula, just north of Atlanta, joining the MOPS group from Hebron Baptist for their regular meeting. So much fun–and so appreciated so many readers coming out to see me especially. (See all the pics of the event here).
And then we had an evening event near Macon last night.
What was really cool is both these groups just decided to run with it, told everyone they could about it, and saw what happened. And tons of women came! What I’ve found in groups is that people often don’t buy tickets or commit to coming until the last week anyway. So even if you don’t have a lot of time to plan an event–it still often works out really well!
Had Fun Filming in Atlanta
Before the event in Macon I went up to the studio of the Christian TV show Friends and Neighbors and filmed an episode! It was tons of fun as we were talking about The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex.
Now We Head to Texas!
And now my assistant Tammy and I are heading to Texas for two shows: one in Childress and one in Tyler in early February. She’s the one driving the RV. There’s no way I’d drive this thing.
And we’re hoping for a bit of warmer weather!
But remember: you can still get in on the tour for Girl Talk in Colorado in March or, if you’re anywhere on the east coast, in the first two weeks of April when we’ll be driving our Minnie Winnie back home to Canada! Just email Tammy for more info.
Do We in the Church Do Enough for Mental Health?
I don’t think so. My daughter Rebecca has struggled on and off with anxiety, and she wrote a really important post on 5 things the church can do to help with mental health issues. I’d encourage you to read it.
And that’s it for now! I hope you all have a great weekend!
The post How a Simple To-Do List Can Revitalize Your Sex Life appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.
January 28, 2016
Fight FOR Your Marriage, Not AGAINST Your Spouse
So often when we have conflict in marriage, we end up fighting against our spouse. What if, instead, you chose to fight for your marriage?
Yesterday I wrote a post about believing that your husband means well. And today Dr. Wyatt Fisher from Christian Crush is joining us to elaborate on how to do that in the nitty gritty of day to day life–how to see your spouse as your ally, instead of your enemy. Here’s Wyatt:
After couples say “I do” they live happily ever after right?
Wrong! Marriage involves two sinful people living in close proximity, which inevitably leads to a substantial amount of conflict. Most couples don’t know how to properly navigate through conflict, so tension is usually swept under the rug until the next time a similar issue rears its ugly head. Unfortunately, unresolved tension usually causes couples to start viewing one another as their enemy rather than their ally.
How are we to be one with someone we view as our enemy?
The answer is “we can’t!”
Therefore, learning how to view our spouse as our ally rather than our enemy is paramount to experience the oneness God intended.
That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh. (Genesis 2:24, NIV).
Here are four steps to fight for your marriage instead of against your spouse that facilitate viewing your spouse as your ally rather than your enemy. Ideally, these steps would be reflected upon each time your spouse upsets you before bringing it up to them.
Fight FOR your marriage, not AGAINST your spouse!
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1. Ask: How often are you assuming the worst in their motives?
We do this all the time. Our spouse is late for dinner, we assume they care more about their work than us. They forget to ask about our day, we assume they are being selfish. They forget to initiate affection, we assume they don’t care about our needs.
Obviously, the theme in each of these statements is the word “assume.” We assume the worst in our spouse’s motives frequently and then we tend to ruminate over their insensitive behavior. So, the first step to watch out for is how often you assume the worse in your spouse’s motives without really knowing if that’s the truth or not.
2. Ask: How often are you treating them as the enemy because you’re assuming the worst in their motives?
When we assume the worst in our spouse’s motives, we treat them accordingly. If we assume they didn’t take out the trash because they were being lazy, then we’ll probably become cold and irritable. If we assume they didn’t schedule a date night because they don’t care about our relationship, then we’ll probably become short and sarcastic. Treating them this way is usually the instigator to many conflicts because they pick up on our disrespectful attitudes and the argument begins.
3. Ask: What are all the ways they were innocent?
This step requires the most work and we must dig deeply to prayerfully reflect upon it.
Before you assume the worst of your spouse, ask these 5 questions:
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How was their hurtful behavior possibly not all their fault?
To facilitate this step, think through the following questions.
First, how much was their hurtful behavior an outflow of what they experienced growing up?
For example, a man whose parents never asked him questions about his day may not ask his wife about hers. This isn’t him being insensitive, but rather it’s him repeating what he was raised with.
Second, how much was their hurtful behavior from their current circumstances?
For example, a woman staying late at work was doing so because she was under a tight deadline for her portfolio project not because she doesn’t care about her husband.
Third, what did you do or say that may have contributed to their hurtful behavior?
For example, perhaps you’re upset that your husband doesn’t unload the dishwasher anymore, but perhaps you’ve micro-managed the way he does it so much he’s given up.
Fourth, what things in your upbringing may be getting triggered by their hurtful behavior?
For example, if you had a father who was cold and rejecting then you may immediately think your husband doesn’t love you if he doesn’t provide regular affection.
Fifth, where are you broken too?
It’s very easy to develop a critical eye towards our spouse for all their flaws while losing site of our own.
Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? (Matthew 7:3, NIV)
We must be routinely reminded of our own shortcomings to have mercy over our spouse’s.
The overall key to this step is building compassion towards your spouse’s hurtful behavior and being able to see all the complexities and possibly reasons for it. Compassion is almost always required before forgiveness can follow. If done properly, these questions will shift your heart away from feeling like your spouse is the enemy and instead help you view them more like your ally.
4. NOW address the issue
The goal of these steps is not to absolve your spouse of any responsibility for their hurtful behavior, and the goal isn’t to work through it on your own and never bring it up. Instead, the goal is get your heart into a more ally-oriented, balanced perspective before addressing the issue.
So, once you’ve worked through these steps, it’s time to bring up the topic to your spouse by sharing the results to #3 above first. What are all the ways their hurtful behavior wasn’t entirely their fault because of their background, their circumstances, your behavior, your background getting triggered, and where are you also broken? Starting with this information is imperative to help your spouse not feel attacked, and doing so will significantly reduce the chances of them responding with defensiveness because they’ll feel like you’re already giving them the benefit of the doubt.
If you don’t start with this information first, you can guarantee the first thing out of their mouth will be defensiveness with all the reasons the hurtful behavior wasn’t their fault. Moreover, starting with this information first will maximize them being willing to hear your concerns and respond sensitively to changes you desire moving forward.
Dr. Wyatt Fisher is a licensed psychologist in Denver, CO and founder of ChristianCrush, the Colorado Marriage Refresh, and Fisher Christian Counseling Services.
Christian Crush is the only Christian dating site for Christian singles in the U.S. that is completely U.S./Christian owned and operated.
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January 27, 2016
Wifey Wednesday: Believe He Means Well!
It’s Wednesday, the day when we always talk marriage! And today I’ve got a pep talk for you ladies! Let’s believe the best!
I face a bit of a quandary here on this blog.
I get email after email and comment after comment from women with the most awful stories. They’ve been married for six months and her husband couldn’t care less about her–he only cares about his friends. He thinks she’s ugly. He tries to manipulate her by saying snide things to her kids. For ten years he’s never cared at all if she gets any pleasure out of sex–he wants it all about him.
Now, perhaps this is all true. But if I were to take all of these letters at face value, then it would mean that there’s an epidemic of narcissistic husbands out there who don’t care about their wives at all! And not just that–they actually delight in hurting their wives. And not just that, but they’re also brilliant actors, because none of this behaviour was visible before they were married!
Okay, I’m being tongue in cheek, because there is no doubt that many women are walking through extremely difficult marriages.
But I wonder if what often happens is something far more mundane: our husbands do something or say something that could be interpreted in a variety of ways, and we choose to believe the most negative one.
Virginia George wrote a great post called The Principle of Good Intent recently. I’d encourage you to read the whole thing, but here’s just a start:
Last week my husband came home from work and asked me what I did that day. Immediately I felt that he was judging me, and suggesting I didn’t do enough during the day. Not enough dishes, laundry, sweeping, or tidying. In that moment, I felt like he was saying I was not enough.
It’s easy in the midst of an argument to see the fight as a personal attack on your character. When we feel our character is being attacked, our feelings belittled, or that our efforts are not enough, it’s important to stop and take a breath, and choose what we are going to believe...
There are times when I don’t feel like my husband loves me. It could be because he was rude, or didn’t help me when I asked for it, he snapped at me, or simply didn’t show me love in the way I was looking for it. In those moments I feel unloved.
But in those moments, I have a choice. I can believe that I am unloved, that I am not enough, or I can choose to believe that’s untrue. I can choose to believe his words when he says he loves me, and that he wants what’s best for me.
What happens in a marriage if we consistently choose to believe the worst?
You’re making love and you’re not that into it, but he doesn’t seem to notice. He finishes, and he leaves you hanging. You’re sure it’s because he thinks sex is all about him.
You get angry and hurt. The next day he leaves the house without kissing you. You’re sure it’s a rejection.
He doesn’t call during the day, and you start to wonder if you even matter to him.
When he gets home you avoid him. You put dinner on the table, but just talk to the kids. He picks up his computer after dinner and goes and plays something, avoiding you.
And this gets repeated, for days, and weeks, and years.
Soon the resentment between the two of you is so great that he may start actually doing things out of anger. You start reacting in anger, too. And the cycle gets worse and worse.
But what if your interpretation at the very beginning was wrong?
What if it wasn’t that he didn’t care about you, but he didn’t want to put pressure on you to have an orgasm, because you’ve felt that pressure before? And he wasn’t sure what you really wanted.
And the reason he didn’t kiss you that morning was because he had a meeting scheduled with a co-worker that he really doesn’t like, and he was practicing in his mind what he was going to say.
What if, when he walked in the door that night, he felt deflated after that meeting and really wanted to talk to you about it, but he sensed that you were cold towards him, and so he retreated onto his computer?
Can you see how this type of thing can seriously harm a marriage–when we assume that our husbands truly don’t love us?
The 1 Marriage Habit that will STOP the cycle of negativity (it works!):
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Let’s do a reality check!
Next time you feel hurt and angry that your husband doesn’t love you or doesn’t care about you, ask yourself these questions:
Is my husband the type of person who would not care about my well-being?
Is my husband the type of person who would deliberately insult me?
Is my husband the type of person who takes pride in making me feel badly?
If the answers to these questions are yes, then I strongly recommend you read this post on emotionally destructive marriages.
But if the answer is “no”, then tell yourself this, “I must be interpreting this situation wrong,”, and then simply ask him to clarify what he’s saying or what he’s doing!
Honey, when you take your dinner and then go eat while watching Netflix, I feel like it’s because you don’t want to talk to me. Is that true?
Just get it out in the open–don’t let the problem fester and grow into something much worse.
Shaunti Feldhahn, in her book Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages, found that one of the ingredients in a happy marriage was that both spouses believed the best of the other. When they had the choice to interpret something that either showed their spouse in a good light or a bad light, they chose the good light. And her studies found that the vast majority of spouses, even in only semi-happy marriages, do honestly want the best for their spouses, too, even if we don’t always feel it!
Like Paul wrote in Philippians 4:8, just think about the good things and focus on those first.
Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.
I have more on her research about believing the best here.
Happy couples believe the best--they don't assume the other person doesn't love them.
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So believe he means well.
When we believe the worst, it spirals, and often, after a number of years, becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. You have walls of hurt and you honestly stop caring. But usually those walls of hurt were not built because of true meanness. They were built out of misunderstandings.
Believe the best. Stop the misunderstandings. And enjoy a much happier marriage!
This is one of the key concepts in my book, 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage. We can choose how we think about things and what we focus on. If you have trouble with this, or if you’ve found yourself on this highly negative spiral, pick up the book! And if you find that you believe the worst because there honestly are big problems in your marriage, then I also show how to address those, too.
Find 9 Thoughts here.
Do you have trouble believing the best? Let me know in the comments!
Now, what advice do you have for us today? Link up your own marriage post in the linky below. Just enter the URL of your post, and then be sure to link back here so other people can read these great marriage posts!
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January 26, 2016
10 Happy Marriage Things I Love!
I want my blog to be all about having a happy marriage!
But sometimes I deal with really HEAVY topics. And last week a commenter said that she was hoping that I’d cover more happy topics.
I get it. I really do! It’s just that the vast majority of emails and comments I get are from people who are struggling in their marriages. And the posts that get read the most tend to be the ones for people in crisis–and so those people tend to be the majority here. Fawn Weaver from Happy Wives Club and I used to laugh that she had the happy wives and I had most of the hurting ones!
But I know that’s not true either, because I get a ton of emails from people telling me how this blog, or one of my books, has helped them.
So today for Top 10 Tuesday I thought I’d share are 10 “happier” posts–how to posts, testimony posts, just things that are fun and may make you smile! If I look through the archives, honestly, at least half the posts are “happy”. It’s just that it’s the other ones that tend to get shared the most…not sure why that is. 
But let’s be happy! Here goes:
Happy Marriage How-To Posts
16 Ways to Flirt with Your Husband
One of my favourite posts ever–and one of my most popular. Married women should flirt, too–just with their husbands!
14 Ways to Play with Your Husband
If you can laugh with your husband every day, you can tackle any problem! Keep the goodwill in your marriage by keeping yourself having fun!
9 Ways to Make Sex Great–For Her
Want some practical tips to make sex feel better for you? Here are 9 things you can try that can boost your enjoyment!
10 Kisses Every Marriage Needs
“I’m sorry” kisses, “I missed you” kisses, “hello” kisses…and more!
Happy Marriage “Celebration” Posts
What’s the REAL Divorce Rate?
Did you know the actual divorce rate is NOWHERE NEAR 50%, and never has been? That’s a cultural myth. Come on over and learn the good news about marriage for a change! And then pass it on. Let’s end this 50% myth once and for all!
Top 10 Reasons to Get Married
We hear all the reasons why marriage is hard. Here are some reasons that marriage is totally worth it!
Happy Marriage “Testimony” Posts
Here are two posts about my own marriage that I really like–about how God used marriage in a unique way to make us into better people.
Made For Each Other
Marriage changes both of you–and it can change you for the better!
How God Used Marriage to Heal Me
Many, if not most, of us get married with a lot of baggage. And we often bemoan the baggage that we bring to marriage. But what if marriage is one of the vehicles that God uses to help us deal with that baggage, once and for all? What I found that marriage did for me…
From Honeymoon Blues to “O”ver the Rainbow!
Okay, this one isn’t from me. And it’s not a normal testimony post. But I consider this a major celebration/victory post anyway! A newlywed explains how she was finally able to reach the “Big O”–after they spent ages trying and wondering what was wrong.
Beauty from Ashes: From Sexual Shame to Healing
When I read Joy McMillan’s book XES I was riveted, especially by her testimony of where she was and how God rescued her. So I asked if I could excerpt her testimony for this blog. I did so in two parts; the first part is heavy, but we need to understand where she came from to see what God did! And so I consider this a “happy” post, even if the first part is sad, because anything that shows what God can do is happy!
So there you go! Ten posts about happy marriages.
And I hope that my blog and my books DO help you to create a happy marriage. That’s especially why I wrote 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage–because I think a happy marriage is totally within most people’s grasps. The reason that marriages deteriorate are often based on small things at the beginning. And if we deal with those small things before they become big things, we can have marriages that thrive!
If you haven’t read the book yet, I encourage you strongly to pick it up. It will change how you see your marriage, and that changes the dynamic about everything! With lots of quick, practical things you can do to start seeing changes immediately.
31 Days to Great Sex is here (only $4.99!) It's the best $5 you'll ever spend on your marriage!
Learn to talk more, flirt more, and even explore more! You'll work on how to connect emotionally, spiritually, AND physically.
Find out more To Love, Honor and Vacuum.
January 25, 2016
Reader Question: Am I Being Selfish To Want to Marry a Virgin?
Every Monday I like to post a Reader Question and take a stab at answering it. Today I’ve actually asked a friend of mine, Danielle Tate from Thrive Ministries, to try to handle this one. Danielle’s written before for me about soul ties when we have sex with someone, and I thought she’d be a great person to give this one to.
And since we talked so much about the purity culture last week, I thought this one was a good follow-up to tackle today!
Here’s Danielle:
The purity movement has nobly attempted to keep young men and woman from engaging in sexual activity before marriage with a heightened awareness that sexual behavior before the blessed union is morally and biblically wrong. While parts this culture of purity are right and biblical truth cannot be ignored, the purity movement has, in many ways, fallen short of equipping our youth to deal with real-life situations.
A college-age male reader recently wrote into Sheila with the following question:
During my teenage years I rejected sex several times believing deep down from my heart it was wrong to do it before marriage……….I feel discouraged to eventually find a possible partner. I cannot date a non-virgin woman without feeling it’s completely wrong. I read several of your guides trying to find an answer. On “why you should wait for sex until marriage” I agree with all your views but at the same time it fueled my determination to not date a non-virgin (because we won’t bond, etc) Do you think is healthy to discard partners based on their virginity? What can I do?
Let’s dissect this today!
We may all want to marry virgins--but what if God asks us to put that desire aside?
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What great determination you had in your teen years! Those are the most difficult times to withstand the temptation of sexual behavior. Now that you’re in college, as you see, things begin to get a little complicated.
If we lived in a black and white world I’d tell you to only marry a virgin. I’d also say that the best way to stop a truck-load of bagging from entering your marriage is to marry a virgin:
Who has never watched, read or listened to non-Christian media
Whose family line has never seen a divorce
Whose parents, grandparent and great grandparents never had premarital sex
Whose family generations never struggled with addictive or abusive behavior
Who has never said a swear word
Who hasn’t gotten mad at her mother, father or siblings
Who isn’t the least bit selfish
Basically, I’d tell you to marry someone who is perfect.
The problem with this, and it’s a big one, is that we do not live in a perfect world. It’s not even close. There is nothing wrong with setting standards for yourself deciding who you want to marry, but they must be standards based on what God has laid on your heart, not what man, Christian or not, has determined to be right or wrong.
“What if I Can’t Bond With My Non-Virgin Spouse?”
Bonding in the terms of a life-long relationship comes in three forms: physical, emotional and spiritual.
And what if you can’t bond with your virgin spouse?!? There’s no guarantee that two virgins getting married will find themselves in a world of marital bliss. Ask anyone who is married and they will tell you that even the most sheltered of individuals find themselves in a relationship where hurts happen and bonding is difficult.
Many couples feel they are totally compatible before marriage but they find themselves in a world of adjustments, negations, hurts and healings as they begin to do life together.
Virginity is no guarantee of a perfectly bonded marriage.
The bottom line is this: bonding in marriage takes work. Sure, you’ll physically bond when you have a sexual encounter, but the emotional and spiritual bonding takes time and effort.
Virginity is no guarantee of a perfectly bonded marriage.
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“But they had sex, how do I get past that?”
If the Lord puts before you someone to love, that someone is never going to be perfect and may indeed have a sexual history. Perhaps you are part of their healing journey! Premarital sexual acts are unwise practice because it leads to unhealthy bonds and baggage that will carry into a marriage if not properly dealt with.
For many, there lies the hesitation in marrying someone who has sexual experiences. Thankfully we serve a Jehovah Rophe, The Lord who heals. In fact, in the Bible God speaks of himself as Jehovah who heals in Exodus 15:26. There is nothing too shameful or sinful that God cannot bring healing and restoration.
I would encourage you to gain an understanding of the ever-lasting effects of sexual activity. Understand that someone does not have to be bound to their past. If they are ready to receive healing from the soul ties created in unhealthy relationships you can help them by being knowledgeable about breaking soul ties. One’s virginity and “purity” might be lost in man’s eyes, but God our healer and restore can make all things new!
If all you can see when you look at someone is their sexual past, then dare I say: you are not looking with the love of Christ. Where will you draw the line? What if you marry someone who thinks they were a virgin and later it comes out in counseling or a family scandal that they were sexually abused a child? What if they were raped?
God didn’t highlight sexual sin because it was unforgivable, but because He knew just how deep the roots of would grow. These roots grow if the sin was willful or at the hands of another.
If you want to get past their past, you have to give them the grace God has given you in every sin you’ve committed. We’re told not to look at the plank in someone else’s eye before removing the speck from our own.
I would also add, are you concerned more with their sexual indiscretions or the fact that it would make you look bad to marry someone who is not a virgin?
What Factors Are You Looking At In A Potential Spouse?
If someone catches your eye or you feel a little connection between the two of you, when are you asking the ultimate Virgin Question? Are you getting to know them, spending time with them first?
A solid relationship is more than your sexual experiences, and if you are focusing only on their virgin card you may be missing the forest for the trees. Even if you’ve written a detailed Wife List (or Husband List for the ladies), you may find the one God is leading you to marry does not match every single thing you wanted in a spouse.
If you have not written a Wife List I would encourage you to write one. What does a biblical woman look like to you? If marrying someone who is a virgin is non-negotiable for you, that’s okay–but please don’t make that your sole factor in finding a spouse.
Ultimately, it is up to you and God if you should consider dating or marrying a non-virgin. So examine your heart and decide if this is God’s desire for you, or if it’s just a religious mindset.
For more detailed help breaking soul ties and walking through the process of restoration, pick up a copy of Danielle’s book, Restoring the Lost Petal: A Journey Through the Loss and Restoration of Sexual Purity.
Danielle Tate, founder of Thrive Ministries, is passionate about sharing her message or restoration with women of all ages. After 13 years in the corporate world, she became a stay at home wife and mother and began making natural beauty products and blogging. She is the author of Restoring the Lost Petal: A Journey Through the Loss and Restoration of Sexual Purity. Danielle is married to Brad and they have a son, Wyatt.
Thanks so much, Danielle! And I agree–it can be a real disappointment when we have saved ourselves for marriage to realize the person we love has not. But I love what Danielle said: what if we are part of their healing journey? So examine your heart and see why you’re saying no. Make sure it’s for a legitimate reason! And then, if you do go ahead and proceed towards marriage with someone who isn’t a virgin, make sure that you can truly put their sexual past behind you before you get married. If you decide to marry, then you also decide to let it be.
Now let me know in the comments: What do you think? Is it hard to marry someone who isn’t a virgin (if you are one?)
The post Reader Question: Am I Being Selfish To Want to Marry a Virgin? appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.
January 22, 2016
Is your Sex Life Moving in the Right Direction?
It’s been a crazy week here on the blog. On Tuesday, my post on the 10 things that scare me about the purity movement went NUTS, and became my biggest post ever. Well, my daughter’s post on why she didn’t rebel was bigger, but I didn’t write that one. But it’s meant that we’ve been talking about purity and thinking about purity for a while now.
And one of the things that occurs to me is that we think too much in terms of “either I’m in the in-crowd or I’m not”, either I’m accepted or I’m not, either I’ve arrived or I haven’t. We’re very much black and white thinkers–and we tend to look at the past to figure out where we are now.
Now, Every Friday I like to post a 400 word inspirational “Marriage Moment”, and today I thought I’d run with this concept of how we’re either accepted or not and look at how it applies to another aspect of marriage: are you moving towards each other or away from each other?
Sheila’s Marriage Moment: Are You Moving in the Right Direction?
Being more adventurous in bed, initiating sex, having some fun–these are all wonderful things I promote a ton.
But after one of those posts, a woman recently emailed me saying,
I have a history of abuse – guys forcing me to touch them – and so I have this aversion to touching my husband sexually. I enjoy sex, but I don’t do much touching during it. Will I ever get through this?
Another woman commented saying that the whole idea of having a “quickie“, like I posted on Facebook recently, is just too difficult, because her husband using her for sexual pleasure gives her flashbacks. And then, of course, there were all the women we heard from last week who are suffering from vaginismus and find sex painful.
Will they ever experience sexual freedom?
A lot of women have major issues when it comes to sex, either because they’ve brought baggage into their marriage, or because marriage has given them baggage. It may be the one area you and your husband fight about a lot, and it’s never clicked. And you find yourself worried about whether you can get better.
I believe that with most things in life, what matters is not so much where we are but the direction in which we are going.
A woman who has enjoyed a great sex life in the past, but who currently barely talks to her husband and is preoccupied with the kids, is actually probably in worse shape than a woman who has never experienced an orgasm and has a hard time relaxing during sex, but is enthusiastic about working through these issues. In the long run, the person with the right attitude will come out better than the person who started in a better place but isn’t putting in the effort to maintain anything.
So if you’re unable to experience that real pleasure, then stop thinking of yourself as a failure. Instead, just focus on moving in the right direction.
You want to feel more relaxed, more confident, and more positive about sex. Not COMPLETELY relaxed, COMPLETELY confident, or COMPLETELY positive about sex–just MORE tomorrow than today. Don’t put pressure on yourself. Just commit to keeping an open mind, a positive attitude, and a “we’re going to have fun soon!” attitude.
Don’t worry about what’s happened before–just look at where you’re going now.
It’s attitude that shows your husband you love him, and it’s attitude that will unlock the door to eventual sexual freedom. So don’t give up–just keep moving in the right direction. That’s ultimately what brings real closeness.
In marriage, it's not where you are but where you're heading that matters most.
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What’s #1 at To Love, Honor and Vacuum?
This is the first week that the #1 posts in ALL categories have all been the same post! It seriously went really big. So for all the others, I’ll enter in the #2 posts!
#1 NEW Post on the Blog: Top 10 Things That Scare Me About the Purity Movement
#2 on the Blog Overall: 20 2-Player Games to Play with Your Husband
#2 from Facebook: Why I Didn’t Rebel (my 19-year-old daughter explains)
#2 from Pinterest: Top 10 Ways to Initiate Sex
I Just Want to Say Thank You
It’s funny, but I never actually planned to write that big post on Tuesday. I’m in Florida right now, sitting in an RV with my husband in a thunderstorm. But we took off last weekend, and met up with the RV in South Carolina where we left it in the fall.
Here I am, without makeup and all!
Before we left, I worked hard to get ahead on the blog. I had a week of posts written and scheduled, but for some reason I left Tuesday blank. I was hoping to get a guest post or something.
When the guest post didn’t materialize, I decided on Monday night to write that, since the discussion on the purity movement on Facebook had gone so well. And lo and behold, that post went bigger than I could have imagined. Tens of thousands of people read it on Tuesday alone.
(If you haven’t read it yet, it’s right here: what the purity culture gets wrong).
And then, after that, I started hearing on Facebook and in emails and comments from women who are still living with such shame because they didn’t do things the “right” way. And I thought: God does not want our marriages hurt just because we messed up in the past. When we marry, He makes us one flesh. He creates a new entity with us. We are new! For so many of my readers, the only person they ever slept with before marriage was the one they married. But they still couldn’t deal with the guilt.
God doesn’t want us stuck there. So I took what was scheduled to be Thursday’s post and moved it, and wrote probably one of my most heartfelt posts yet on the grace for those who feel like they’ve “lost purity“.
I felt badly writing that post, because, in a way, I feel like perhaps I haven’t done enough to dispell that false guilt. I write so much on how sex is meant for marriage (because it is) and how people who wait for marriage tend to have better sex lives (because they do), but I don’t think I stress enough that Jesus redeems. Just because we don’t follow His plan doesn’t mean that we’ve lost His plan–like we can never get back on the right road. And Jesus can work incredible things in marriages when we bare ourselves before Him.
So I thought a change of emphasis was needed, just to provide some balance.
I’m a little raw this week reading about everybody’s pain. I pray that something I said may alleviate some of it for somebody.
Hey, Canada: We Found Your Robins
So we’re down south driving around, doing a bit of birdwatching and then working in the RV.
It’s so fun to see just swarms of robins! To me robins mean happiness because they mean spring has arrived. And they’re all down here!
We’ve been walking the beaches a bit and enjoying ourselves, but it isn’t hot by any means. But it’s a lot better than freezing and snow!
I’m Coming to Georgia Next Week!
We’re getting all geared up for my Girl Talks in Georgia next week! Check out the Events page for more details. And then I’ll be in Texas starting on February 6.
But remember: We’re driving back through the Atlantic states in April to bring the RV home, so if you’d like to book a Girl Talk–email my assistant Tammy! It’s such a fun evening where I talk marriage & sex, and it works amazingly well as an outreach for your church, too. And it pays for itself. So let’s get this going!
Have a great weekend, everyone.
31 Days to Great Sex is here (only $4.99!) It's the best $5 you'll ever spend on your marriage!
Learn to talk more, flirt more, and even explore more! You'll work on how to connect emotionally, spiritually, AND physically.
Find out more To Love, Honor and Vacuum.
January 21, 2016
A Letter To All Those Who Feel They Have Lost Their Purity
Purity. Virginity.
We have two words in English to use about someone who has never had sex, but we don’t have words to use for people who have never said a swear word; never cheated on their taxes; never stolen anything.
So perhaps it’s no wonder that people who have had sex before marriage feel a degree of shame that people in the midst of other sins don’t.
When we have sex before we’re married we figure we’re in a special category of sinners. After all, we’re “pure” unless we have sex…That’s what we’re taught, isn’t it?
This week I’ve thought a lot about “lost purity” and the way we talk about it. I wrote my top post EVER on Tuesday–the 10 Things That Scare Me about the Purity Movement (my daughter’s post on why she didn’t rebel actually went more viral, but this is the top one that I actually wrote).
And I’ve had comments and emails and Facebook messages about it. And I’ve been transported back about 5 years when I was doing my surveys for my book, The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex. In those I asked people about their sexual history and what they think of sex now, and I left some blank spaces for people to comment anything they want. And so many of the comments that were left were about people’s baggage.
I wish so much that we had waited until marriage. The only one I’ve ever slept with is my husband, but we slipped up with just six weeks to go before our wedding. Why couldn’t I have waited? I have a hard time forgiving myself.
I grew up determined to wait until marriage, but we ended up sleeping together before we even engaged! It made me think of myself so much differently. I wasn’t a good Christian anymore, and we stopped going to church. I’ve started to read blogs again and I really want to take my kids to church, but I don’t know how to go back.
Sex before marriage still haunts me. I’ve never been able to relax during sex and I keep thinking that maybe the root is that I feel guilty? I don’t know. But it all seems like too much work.
So, so sad.
On the last two days as I’ve processed so many messages, I’ve gone on a lot of walks here in Florida (it’s cold, by the way. Not as cold as at home, but still cold!) while my husband and staying in our RV, trying to think of what I want to say to all of these women.
A good friend left a Facebook message where she said that she always felt like “Mary Magdalene”. She had had sexual partners before. Her husband was a virgin. And his friends grilled her like crazy, because they didn’t think she was good enough for him because of her past.
And so I want to talk to all of those who feel like Mary Magdalene.
But I’m in a tough spot. I really want people to wait until marriage for sex. It saves so much heartache! God commands it. It does tend to make sex better in the long run, because you don’t have baggage. I want to be that cheerleader, cheering people on to the finish line!
But I’m sure most people who DIDN’T wait would agree with me. They just feel badly now.
After we say our first swear word, we don’t wonder how to get our “clean mouth” back. But after we have sex–we realize our virginity is gone forever.
I think so many of us in Christian leadership (and I’d put myself in this category) don’t know how to handle this. If we give TOO MUCH grace, and talk about how God loves you and how everything can be brand new–then what message does that give everybody else about waiting?
And so we say very little to those of you who are stuck in guilt and disappointment.
Disappointment at yourself for not living up to your own expectations. Disappointment that you’ve lost something and there’s nothing you can do. Disappointment that who you thought you were has come crashing down.
This week, after my post, I’ve been driven back to the Bible a lot to see what Jesus said. And I’ve come to a few conclusions.
A letter to those who feel shame because they've 'lost their purity':
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Jesus was never scared that too much grace would mean that people would feel they had the freedom to mess up.
On the contrary, Jesus always came down on the side of lavish grace. He told Mary Magdalene that what she did with the oil would be told to people forever, but no one would remember those Pharisees names who looked down their noses at her and judged her.
And Paul?
Paul got the order of sin and grace right.
He had just finished explaining in Romans 5 how amazing grace was, and then he addresses this issue: but if grace is so great, then what’s to keep people from sinning? (That’s exactly our question–if grace is so great, why would people wait until marriage?)
Well then, should we keep on sinning so that God can show us more and more of his wonderful grace? Of course not! Since we have died to sin, how can we continue to live in it? Or have you forgotten that when we were joined with Christ Jesus in baptism, we joined him in his death? For we died and were buried with Christ by baptism. And just as Christ was raised from the dead by the glorious power of the Father, now we also may live new lives.
Since we have been united with him in his death, we will also be raised to life as he was. We know that our old sinful selves were crucified with Christ so that sin might lose its power in our lives. We are no longer slaves to sin. (Romans 6:1-6)
He’s saying: We don’t stop sinning so that we can have a good relationship with God; we have a good relationship with God and that causes us to stop sinning.
Preaching grace won’t make people all decide to sin like crazy–not if it’s real grace. If they truly understand Christ’s love, they’ll have the Holy Spirit to help them. They’ll be renewed!
Here’s John 8:10-11, where Jesus is talking to the woman caught in the act of adultery who was about to be stoned:
Then Jesus stood up again and said to the woman, “Where are your accusers? Didn’t even one of them condemn you?”
“No, Lord,” she said.
And Jesus said, “Neither do I. Go and sin no more.”
Jesus said “Go”. Go. Do we understand how important that little word is?
He says,
Don’t be stuck here where there’s judgment. Don’t stay here where all you can think about is what you’ve done wrong. Go live your life! You’re free. Go and grow, and bless others, and enjoy what you’ve been given. Go and live abundantly! Whatever you do, just don’t stay here. This isn’t who you are anymore.
And that’s what I want you to hear today: This isn’t who you are anymore.
And so, to all who mourn lost purity, I want to say this:
I hope nothing I’ve said, and nothing any other Christian leader has said, has ever made you feel “less than”.
I hope nothing I’ve said, and nothing you’ve ever heard in Christian circles, has ever made you feel that you can’t have great sex now, in your marriage!
I hope that nothing I’ve said, and nothing you’ve ever heard from the pulpit, has ever made you feel that you’ve committed a worse sin than anyone else.
Let’s be honest: there may always be disappointment that you didn’t do things differently. But that’s part of life! And as God’s grace abounds, and as you realize more and more that it is HE who makes you pure, not what you do yourself, I think your heart gets bigger. You walk a little lighter. You become more humble, but that also makes you more excited to share with others what God has done. You feel joy to a different level.
Your story didn’t start at the moment you lost your virginity, and it didn’t end there, either. Yes, it may have been a defining moment for you, but God doesn’t want that defining moment to be a negative in your life. He wants it to, in retrospect, be an opportunity to really “get” grace.
He wants you to understand there never was lost purity, because your purity was always only in what He did for you in the first place.
You can't lose your purity, because your purity is based in Jesus, not in what you do.
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So, please, don’t stay stuck there. That’s not what God wants. Jesus already reconciled you; it’s done. It’s now your choice whether you’ll stay there, defining yourself by that one moment of what YOU did, or whether you will GO, and define yourself by what Jesus did.
Go, my dear ones. Go. Please.
The post A Letter To All Those Who Feel They Have Lost Their Purity appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.
January 20, 2016
Wifey Wednesday: Can You Move Past It? The Power of Forgiveness
Every Wednesday we talk marriage! And today I want to tackle how to get past a major hurt in your marriage.
Deciding to Move Past the Hurt
Every week I get dozens of emails from women whose husbands have used porn; had affairs; gambled away their money. And many of them ask the same thing: How do I move past this?
Here’s one letter I recently received:
A year ago I found an app on my husband’s phone that lets him talk to women anonymously. I found out that he had been sexting other women and telling them about our sex life (which was almost non-existent at the time). I confronted him (with the help of some friends) and he apologized. We saw a counselor to try to work it through but that was useless. I did say I forgave him, but I feel like it more got swept under the rug. Now I find myself always resenting him and I never want to have sex. How can I move past this?
That’s such a hard situation, and rebuilding trust can’t be rushed.
Often we do rush it–we say “I forgive you” because we think that’s the only way to hold on to the marriage, and we’re desperate to keep that marriage together. But then we never really examine our own grief or anger, and we never deal with the underlying causes.
I wholeheartedly believe in taking some time to have hard conversations, and taking a period to rebuild trust. I believe in putting controls on your phones, tablets and computers when these have been tools used to violate the marriage covenant. I believe in mentor couples and in setting up accountability partners. I believe in taking time before we try to rebuild a sex life after a major betrayal, because rushing physical intimacy before there’s emotional and spiritual intimacy can wreck a sex life.
And quite often to move past it we need a third party to walk us through.
So I would advise this woman to find another counsellor, or at least a mentor couple, and make sure that things haven’t been swept under the rug. You need to have those hard conversations and hash things out openly and honestly.
In fact, I’ve written about how to deal with some of these difficult problems in these posts:
4 Things You Must Do If Your Husband Uses Porn
What to do when you Discover Your Husband is Having an Affair
Are You a Spouse or an Enabler? (about confronting major sin)
Ten Truths About Emotionally Destructive Marriages
How to Forgive Your Husband
And then I’ve written about how to move forward–slowly–and rebuild intimacy, in these posts:
How to Rebuild Trust After a Porn Addiction
When Do I Let My Husband Back into My Bed? (about when to start having sex again)
Rebuilding Intimacy After a Porn Addiction (about how to start having sex again)
But that being said, I now want to say something that is going to sound harsh.
Once he has repented; once he has shown that he is trustworthy by getting those filters and that accountability partner; once he has committed to make some changes–then the ball is in your court.
There is nothing he can do to change the past.
There is no magical formula for moving past any of this.
There is no book you can read that can heal you; nothing that he can say to fix it; nothing that any counselor can do.
Ultimately it is a decision that you–and only you–can make.
And it is a decision that you MUST make, one way or the other.
Deciding to stay in the marriage takes more than just deciding not to leave. It also means deciding that you will commit to rebuilding intimacy.
Again, as I said before, this can’t be rushed, and if things have been swept under the rug, then of course lift up that rug and start having those conversations.
But at some point you will need to answer this question:
Do I want an intimate marriage again, or do I want to remain angry and bitter and caught up in the images of what my husband did?
I know forgiveness is so, so hard. But our God is a forgiving God. Our God is the God of reconciliation. He loves bringing together two groups that were previously enemies and making them intimate friends! He loves reforging those bonds and making them stronger than ever.
That is who God is. That is His very nature. And you were made in the image of God! When you run after Jesus and start acting like Jesus by practicing that kind of lavish forgiveness (again, only after repentance and trust has been rebuilt), I believe that God laughs so joyously. I believe that this is the biggest victory in your marriage–it’s not the fact that your husband stopped the porn or stopped the affair; it’s not the fact that you both decided to work on the marriage. It’s the fact that you let the debt go.
In Matthew 18, Jesus is talking about how to deal with sin. After giving instructions for how to handle a fellow believer who is sinning against you, He says this:
I tell you the truth, whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven. Again, I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about anything you ask for, it will be done for you by my Father in heaven. For where two or three come together in my name, there am I with them (verses 18-20).
Think about this spiritual power: when we forgive here on earth, it has heavenly repercussions! And interestingly, in this passage about sin and forgiveness, Jesus then talks about prayer. He says that when you agree together, your prayers will be answered, and He will be with us.
In some amazing way, forgiveness is the gateway through which the power of God flows into your marriage.
Forgiveness is the gateway through which the power of God flows into your marriage.
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But once again, forgiveness is up to you.
I can’t tell you how to get past it or how to move beyond the hurt, except to say this: it’s a daily, even hourly, choice that you make. As I said in my book, 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage, it’s that decision, when you are reminded of what your husband did, to take that thought captive and discard it (2 Corinthians 10:5). It’s that decision that you will think on positive things about your husband:
Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you. (Philippians 4:8-9).
Do you see what’s neat about that? When you decide to think these positive things, then peace will follow.
Sometimes we need to let go of a marriage
If you are married to a serial adulterer, an unrepentant porn user, an abusive person, or an emotionally destructive person, then in these cases, separation and even divorce may be necessary.
I am not saying that all marriage situations need forgiveness and reconciliation.
But if you have decided to reconcile, then you must also decide to forgive
You can't decide to stay in this marriage, despite the hurt, without also choosing to forgive.
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And that decision is an active one. It may not be something you feel at first, but it is a decision to think and act a certain way. And that changes the whole dynamic of your marriage! He no longer is in this impossible situation of always having to fix the past, which he can’t do. And God’s power is released in your marriage in an amazing way.
I firmly believe that some of the most amazing work that God does through our forgiveness. And I believe that God wants to help you forgive.
But ultimately He leaves it up to you.
The one thing that you cannot do is reconcile but then choose to keep dwelling on the infraction. If you are going to reconcile and commit to the marriage, then you must also commit to moving past this and forgiving him.
The ball’s in your court.
What will you do?
Now it’s your turn! I want to give other marriage bloggers a chance to link up their marriage posts in the Wifey Wednesday linky below. Just leave the URL below, and then point your readers back here so other people can read these great marriage posts!
The post Wifey Wednesday: Can You Move Past It? The Power of Forgiveness appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.
January 19, 2016
10 Things That Scare Me About the “Purity” Culture
Last week I wrote a three part series on vaginismus, when you experience pain during intercourse. And in that series we ended up discussing the purity culture in modern Christianity, and its potentially harmful effects. It seems as if women who grew up in homes where the purity culture was paramount are far more likely to experience vaginismus.
By purity movement I don’t mean a home that believes that sex before marriage should be avoided. That’s just a basic Christian tenet.
But the purity culture has extra-biblical rules attached to it: dating is wrong; one should always court; parents must chaperone; parents should set kids’ boundaries; kissing before marriage is wrong; clothing should be stringently monitored and modesty enforced; girls who aren’t pure are “chipped teacups” or “stained napkins” (those are analogies that are often used in rallies).
It’s a cultural movement far more than just a moral one, because one can certainly believe in purity but not hold to all of those trappings.
Here’s something I posted on Facebook that really resonated with so many readers, so I thought I’d post it here, too:
Why the Purity Movement (as it stands in popular Christian culture) makes me uncomfortable: After a great discussion on the blog this week from women who grew up thinking sex was shameful, here’s what I would say: we need to stop teaching purity and start teaching Jesus. The balance between wanting to raise kids to be pure and wanting to raise kids to have a healthy sexuality is ALWAYS found in authenticity, where we’re pointing people to looking more like Jesus. It’s not about rules; it’s about a relationship with God. When you get THAT, then waiting until your wedding is about following Jesus. Ironically, it’s more likely you will be pure because it’s not about following the rules of the purity culture. You can be pure without one’s teenage life being dominated by rules. And different people will follow Jesus in different ways because we all have different temptations and different personalities. For some, kissing is absolutely okay! For others, God may ask them to wait until the wedding day. But it’s really about that relationship with Jesus, it’s not a formula. When we make it into a formula, it can really backfire–and that’s when we can inadvertently push shame onto our kids. Teach them to run after Jesus! He can then guard their hearts, and their bodies.
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I wonder if this purity culture has taken over because most of us are scared to contradict it. It’s the purity culture that we see on shows like the Duggars and on so much Christian media. And if we dare to say, “I don’t mind if my adult kids hang out at each other’s homes unchaperoned” or “I kissed my husband before our wedding and I’m glad I did!”, or “I don’t think wearing fashionable jeans is a sin!”, we feel like we’re somehow LESS Christian, because those with firmer rules always look more Christian.
Almost every Christian I know who saved sex for marriage also kissed before their wedding day. Almost NO Christians that I know who saved sex for marriage had their parents chaperoning them. And yet somehow we have allowed the purity culture to look like mainstream Christianity.
But my reservations are not just that people think it’s more common that it is; it’s that I believe that many parents who join the purity culture movement with the absolute best of intentions may inadvertently be doing some harm.
So today, on Top 10 Tuesday, I’d like to start dispelling the myth that all of these trappings of the purity culture movement are good and necessary, and instead look at 10 things that actually scare me. Now a parent doesn’t have to actually believe these things for the kids to pick up on it. Most parents, I think, would totally reject all 10 of these things. Yet by stressing purity the way that we do, with balls and pledges and even the language that we use, these are the messages we give kids, even if we do so unintentionally:
10 Things That Scare Me About the Purity Movement:
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1. Purity is pushed far more for girls than for boys
It is girls who go to “purity balls” with their dads. It is girls who wear purity rings.
Boys may go to boys’ events, but they’re called something different: “Being a Man of God” for instance. The word purity is used primarily in the female context, even though both boys and girls EQUALLY are called to be pure. This can give a distorted view that girls’ worth is in their bodies.
2. To stress “Purity” as being about one’s sexual behaviour creates a works-based theology
Let’s be clear: we are pure because of the blood of Jesus, not because of what we do with our bodies. By saying that purity is something that can be “lost”, we imply that what we do, or don’t do, makes us acceptable or dirty in God’s eyes.
We are all sinners. We are all in need of a Saviour. Let’s never make people think that they can somehow do enough to get right with God–or, even worse, that they can do something to make them forever “tainted”.
3. Stressing “purity” harms abuse victims
If purity is something you can lose because of sexual activity, then those who are abused or raped are no longer pure. What a burden to put on abuse survivors!
Even if your children haven’t been abused or raped, those around you very well may be, and if you are spreading the purity culture, then they are picking up on this message. Elizabeth Smart, the Mormon girl who was kidnapped, has talked about this at length, and the effect that losing her purity had on her. It was one of the reasons she didn’t try to leave her kidnappers–she felt she wasn’t worth anything anymore.
4. Saying “Stay Pure Until You’re Married” implies that you lose your purity at marriage
We don’t stay pure until we’re married. We stay pure. Period. I’m married and I’m pure. And yet the way that we phrase it makes it sound as if you lose your purity the moment you have sex–even if sex is with your husband.
Stop saying 'Stay Pure Until You're Married!' Marriage doesn't make us impure.
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5. The Purity Culture idolizes the young, innocent virgin
The pinnacle of purity is the young girl who is past puberty but who hasn’t engaged in any sexual activity.
Of course we want our kids to remain virgins until marriage, but that is not the pinnacle of everything they can be. God has also given them gifts and talents and personalities and ambitions, and He wants those girls to use them! The young, innocent girl who stays at home is lovely, but she is not the only manifestation of Christ that the kingdom of God needs. We also need girls who are actively reaching others for Christ.
It’s the whole picture that counts, not just the virginity. Let’s not make a woman’s worth in the kingdom only about what she does with her body, instead of also her mind and her energy.
6. The Purity Culture can make women afraid of sex
If sex makes one lose one’s purity, then sex is something bad. I have heard from countless women on this blog who found it difficult to enjoy sex because they had been taught their whole lives to flee from it–and that the ideal woman was one who had not had sex. To have sex, then, is a letdown and a failure. This seriously impacts the marriage!
I want to stress, too, that most parents NEVER explicitly taught this. In fact, they’d be appalled if they realized that this is how their message had been interpreted! But when we frame purity like this, then this is the message that often gets picked up, whether we realize it or not.
7. The Purity Culture makes women (and girls) responsible for men’s thoughts and sins
By stressing modesty so much, the purity culture makes women the gatekeepers of men’s sins and thoughts. Woman after woman on this blog has written something like,
I spent my teenage years wearing XL T-shirts on my tiny frame so that men may not see my curves, and they still noticed. I’d feel so ashamed. I started avoiding being in public because I didn’t want men to see my dirty body.
I’ve written more about the modesty culture here.
8. The Purity Culture creates an “all-or-nothing” mentality about sex
Ironically, studies have shown that Christian teen steeped in the purity culture are more likely to engage in risky sexual behaviour than Christian teens who are not, and it’s likely because of the “all or nothing” mentality. If kids feel that kissing is an absolute sin, then if they’ve kissed, they’re horribly ashamed of themselves. They’ve already “gone too far”. And because purity is lost in an instant, it’s too late now. So what’s the point in turning back?
9. The Purity Culture doesn’t encourage young people to rely on God
To go along with that point, the purity culture uses rules to control behaviour–no kissing, hand holding only after engagement (or other commitment), chaperoning, parents’ permission, no being alone, etc. etc. But rules can’t control people’s behaviour. Only the Holy Spirit can. We can live according to the law or according to the Spirit–it’s your choice. You can’t have both. And if you expect your kids to make good decisions, you need to teach them to rely on God, not just to have rules that keep you safe.
I’m not saying guidelines aren’t a good idea; but ultimately the only way to withstand temptation is because of a personal relationship with God. If they have that personal relationship, they don’t need the chaperoning. They really don’t.
10. The Purity Culture treats adults as if they’re still children
Do you want your children to get married and start a life of their own without ever making decisions for themselves, relying on God during difficult times, figuring out their calling, or learning to withstand temptation? Probably not. Some of these things can be learned under a parent’s roof, but ultimately a child needs to learn them and claim them on their own. That’s an important part of growing up.
If adults still need parents to chaperone, then they aren’t really adults. A 19-year-old has the Holy Spirit as much as you do, if you both believe. Trust God with your kids. He’s got it. He really does.
So how would I raise kids WITHOUT the purity culture?
Can you raise kids who wait for marriage for sex WITHOUT all the purity culture trappings? Yep!
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I’ve raised two girls who are now college-aged and living away from home. One is now married. Both have believed in purity and both committed to saving sex for marriage.
And yet in all their years growing up I don’t think I ever used the word “purity”. I asked them over the weekend if they could remember me saying it, and they couldn’t. We just didn’t phrase it that way. We simply talked about loving Jesus and following Jesus and making Jesus real in their lives. We talked a ton about sex and why God wants us to wait for marriage. We talked about what to do when you’re tempted–whatever the temptation is.
I did say no dating until 16, because until then, their brains just aren’t necessarily ready. But after that it was entirely their choice.
And I encouraged them to run hard after the areas of ministry that God was calling them to.
In other words, you can raise kids to wait until marriage without purity balls, purity rings, chaperoning, and rules. You can raise kids who love God wholeheartedly without these trappings.
You can raise kids who wait for sex for marriage without purity balls, purity rings, and rules.
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It’s about authenticity in your own relationship with God, and then authenticity (and lots of talking!) in your own relationship with your kids. That’s what ultimately matters.
Personally, the older I get the more I think that most rules are antithetical to the gospel. If it were honestly about rules, we wouldn’t need to “walk by the Spirit”. If rules were all that it took to achieve purity, then we wouldn’t need Jesus!
But if we have to walk by the Spirit WITHOUT rules, then we must also live with this uncomfortable truth: God may call other Christians to live in a different way than He calls you, because they have different backgrounds, different temptations, and different personalities. That’s why the Spirit will convict us in different ways about different things. And that’s perfectly okay! So let’s not assume that because a family doesn’t follow the “purity culture” or doesn’t believe that kissing is always wrong that this means that they are somehow lesser Christians. We all serve God; let’s stick to the heart of the gospel, and let our kids do the same.
Now let me know in the comments: What is the best way to encourage our kids towards “purity”?
Have a daughter/sister/friend getting married soon? Make sure she has GOOD information about sex, and a GREAT perspective on how God made it. My book, The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, will get her marriage off to a great start (whether she’s a virgin or not!)
Check it out here.
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