Sheila Wray Gregoire's Blog, page 165
February 15, 2016
Reader question: How Can I Make it Up to My Wife if I’ve Used Porn?
How does a guy make it up to his wife if he’s used porn?Every Monday I like to post a reader question and take a stab at answering it. Here’s a sad story from a relative newlywed who confessed to his wife that he used porn. Now she’s devastated, he’s broken, and he’s wondering what to do about it.
He writes:
I grew up Catholic, but in college drifted away from my marriage. In college I also met my now-wife, who is the best person I know. We married a little more than a year ago and now go to [an evangelical] church. She has made me such a better person just by being my wife.
In my early teens I was exposed to some dirty magazines. This grew throughout high school and in college I began to look at porn on the internet. It was entrenched in me that this was normal, that all the guys I knew did it, that it was somehow not as bad as it was. It was a release for me. I didn’t look at it as cheating. I never thought once of how it would make [my wife] feel which probably was my biggest problem.
I knew once we got engaged that I would need to give it up, but since we were also saving ourselves for the wedding night it became difficult. Once married I knew it was wrong, but I would occasionally just look at porn and not masturbate so I thought I was tons better than before. My wife and I since have struggled a little bit on our intimacy issues and in our latest conversation, I felt a need to confess to her my secret. She is hurt, feels betrayed, and as if I was cheating on her.
I never looked at my bad habit as cheating. I never once even pondered the idea of finding someone to be either physically or emotionally connected to besides her. My wife says she is in the process of forgiving me now and she has been 10x more gracious than I ever could be. I just don’t know what to do with all this shame and guilt I am feeling. She now is questioning every time an attractive woman comes on the T.V. screen if I am fantasizing about her and questioning if she is enough for me. I don’t want to hurt her any more, but I feel so guilty that I keep bringing up how sorry I am and she says that doesn’t help her recovery. I am struggling to eat and or work because I am so upset with myself.
1.) How can I help my wife? She says she doesn’t want to bring it up again because the more we bring it up the harder it is to get over.
2.) I feel so terribly guilty I can’t do anything. I can’t eat, I can’t concentrate. I never thought of this as cheating and now I can’t get over the fact that it might be just like cheating. I am so disgusted with myself.
Could you please give me any advice you might have I am desperate?
Wow. What a story.
(Side note: most of the questions that I publish on this blog are about this long, but I edit them WAAAAAY down so that it’s just the essence. This one I left mostly as is, because I really thought it would help so many wives whose husbands have just confessed they used porn to hear the heart of another guy in the same situation.)
Okay. Lots to say. So here’s my plan: I’m going to give three quick thoughts, and then I’d really like to open this one up to comments and ask the rest of you what you think, because many of you probably have some ideas for this guy! So here goes.
How can a guy rebuild trust with his wife after he's used porn? 3 steps:
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1. Feel Guilty about Porn? Understand Grace. Seriously.
You know what is so cool about this letter? This guy GETS how serious porn is. And he feels so much remorse for what he has done! That is so amazing, because when most of us do something wrong we deflect blame, or we minimize what we actually do.
He doesn’t minimize it. In fact, he’s beating himself about it so badly he’s not eating.
The fact that he doesn’t minimize it is great. The fact that he takes responsibility is great.
But now the greatness ends, because he’s in this downward spiral where he’s just blaming himself and hating himself.
Realizing the reality of your sin is the first necessary step in finding freedom. But it’s only step #1. Now we need step #2. And for that, let’s just revisit the story of the Prodigal Son found in Luke 15.
The prodigal son walks all the way home, practising what he’s going to say to his father. “I have sinned against heaven and against you, and I am no longer worthy to be called your son. Make my like one of your hired hands.”
I can hear this husband saying the same thing: “I’m no longer worthy to be called your husband.”
He gets it.
But then the Father does something amazing. He stops the son mid-speech (he doesn’t even allow him to say that part about being the hired hand), and he puts that robe and ring and sandals on his son and holds a party. He redeems him.
The redemption couldn’t have taken place if the son hadn’t admitted his guilt. But it also couldn’t have taken place if the son hadn’t have let the Father dress him.
He accepted the Father’s view of who he was rather than his own view.
I normally don’t tell people to rush to grace first, because I don’t think that we can rush healing. We have to feel the reality of what we’ve done before we ask for forgiveness, and sometimes in Christian circles we’re too rushed to say, “you need to forgive!” Or “Jesus loves you anyway!”, and we don’t stress enough that Jesus wants changed hearts.
But this guy gets it. So now he needs to get the rest of it: Jesus already paid for your sin. Jesus is not in the guilt business but in the salvation business. Two verses for you:
Godly sorrow leads to repentance that brings salvation and leaves no regret, but wordly sorrow brings death. (2 Corinthians 8:10)
For God did not send His Son into the world to condemn the world, but that the world through Him might be saved. (John 3:17)
Jesus paid for it. Accept that. Let it go.
2. Changed Behaviour Speaks Louder than Guilt Over Porn
Feel guilty over the porn? Okay. But I think what your wife really wants is to see that you’re serious about doing something about it. She doesn’t want to see that you’re focused on the past. She wants to know that you’re committed to doing things differently in the future.
Sure, most women need to see that their husbands understand their hurt. But that’s not all they need, and in fact, it can make it worse if all you do is revisit that hurt.
What your wife needs to know is not just that you hurt now; but that you won’t hurt her again.
She wants to know that you’re thinking, “I want to protect you now.” Ironically, if you stay mired in guilt about what you did to her, then you’re still making it about you, and not about her. Move forward and make it about her needs.
So if she starts to question about whether you’re fantasizing about a woman on TV, you say,
I am so, so sorry you need to ask that. But I want you to rest assured that I have an accountability partner now, that I have filters on my phone, that you can look at this stuff any time, and you don’t have to worry. I want you to feel safe, because you’re the only one I love, and I never want you to feel unsafe again.
She needs safety. So instead of reassuring her of your guilt, reassure her of her safety.
3. Rebuild Trust Through Accountability
It’s much easier to reassure her of that if you humble yourself and take steps to show her you’re serious about this not happening again. Step one: Get a filter on your phone, devices and computers, or an accountability system (or both!) Covenant Eyes has a really great one, and here’s how it works: everyone in your family can get assigned an account. You can use filtering so that different family members can be allowed on different levels of sites. A 6-year-old will only be able to access a few sites, a 13-year-old more, and an adult more.
Alternatively, you can choose not to use filtering, but you can use accountability, where if you try to access a site you shouldn’t, an accountability partner will get an email. It helps prevent the temptation to look at porn if you know someone will catch you.
So get an accountability partner who is NOT your wife (a brother, someone from your church, a friend). Get the system on your devices. (and if you click through with my link you get one month trial, free!)
And then one more thing: give all of your passwords to your wife–your login for Facebook, access to your phone, everything. She has to know there are no secrets, and that she can pick up anything and look any time she wants to.
(Note: if your husband refuses to let you see his phone or computer, that’s a huge red flag in marriage).
I’ve got some other advice on how to rebuild trust after you’ve blown it in this post, too.
But now I’d love to know from the rest of you: what would YOU need your husband to do? Let me know in the comments, and let’s help this marriage (and others like it!)
The post Reader question: How Can I Make it Up to My Wife if I’ve Used Porn? appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.
February 12, 2016
Write Your Own Love Story
On Fridays, I like to feature a “Marriage Moment”, short 400-word inspirational piece that points us to a truth about marriage. Here’s this week’s that challenges our attitude:
Every time I give my Girl Talk (my one-night event for churches on sex and marriage), I have an anonymous Q&A time. In Tyler, Texas, this week, one young mom asked this:
I’ve got two little kids, and ever since I became a mom sex and kissing just grosses me out. I have too much to do, and it just feels like now he’s bugging me, too.
I get it. I really do. When you’re tired and sleep deprived and little children need you, our sex drives often disappear.
Then I had another letter from a newlywed, asking:
Is it normal to feel like your husband is selfish? I loved him so much when we got married, but now I see this whole new side of him, and I’m not even sure I like him anymore.
She had all of these expectations, and it’s pretty much impossible for anyone to live up to them. And he probably had expectations, too. And as they’re both disappointed, they pull away. And that just contributes to the tension.
I think women are secretly hoping for something like this:
In the midst of my drudgery and busy life, my husband is going to know exactly what to say, he’ll sweep me off my feet and distract me so that I’m not worried about all of these things anymore! I’ll finally be able to relax!
We may even have a script of what he should say or do. But he never quite lives up to that script, and so we’re perpetually disappointed.
I’m here to tell you a harsh truth today, ladies: no husband will ever be able to sweep you off of your feet like that, because only you know the script.
If you’re waiting for him to write your love story, then, you may be waiting a long time.
But ladies, we can write our own love stories! We can decide: now that I’m a mom, this marriage matters more, not less. So I’m going to make sure I take care of myself so I’m not grumpy. We can decide: I married this man, so I’m going to keep pursuing him, rather than waiting for him to pursue me in just the right way. I want this marriage to rock!
I’m going to think positively about him. I’m going to thank him. I’m going to appreciate him. And I’m going to stay affectionate! And I’m going to do these things because I decide to, not because he does exactly the right thing.
That’s how to make Valentine’s Day special. So decide to love him this Sunday, and you may just find that you’re writing your own love story.
Note: I know that some men disappoint in big ways, like addictions or breaches of trust. If that’s the case, please read last week’s Marriage Moment. But in most marriages, we get disappointed because of little things, and those build up. In that case, what we really need is just an attitude adjustment!
What’s #1 at To Love, Honor and Vacuum?
Valentine’s Day is just about here and it can stir up a lot of different feelings. Check out some of this week’s top posts as we explore what Valentine’s Day brings to the surface.
#1 NEW Post on the Blog: Four Ways To Love Your Husband When He’s Being Unlovable
#3 on the Blog Overall: 20 Two Player Games To Play With Your Husband
#2 from Facebook: A Letter To All Those Who Feel They Have Lost Their Purity
#3 from Pinterest: Valentine’s Gifts For Your Husband
I’m Heading Home Soon–But I’m Sick!
So we’re done in Texas now, and I’m heading to Nashville to meet up with Katie for a few days and then heading home. I will have been away from home for a whole month by the time I get back. It’s been a long time. I’m looking forward to sleeping in my own bed (and seeing my husband again; I said goodbye to him two weeks ago).
But now I have a cold. Sigh.
Sometimes Finding Balance is Hard
I truly believe that most marriages can be thriving, happy ones if we get a change of attitude and start looking to how we can love, rather than focusing on our own disappointment. That’s what happened in my marriage; that’s what I see in Scripture; and that’s what research tells us. When we reach out, believe the best, and love, the tension level decreases, you stop drifting, and now you can tackle big stuff and create that marriage you long for.
However, I know that this isn’t true in all marriages. I know some marriages have bigger issues, and the problem isn’t one of our own attitude but about someone else’s sin. When there’s abuse, addictions, laziness, it’s not always about choosing to let things go. Sometimes it’s choosing to be strong and to put down some boundaries in your marriage! That’s why I wrote this post on why one size fits all marriage advice doesn’t work.
So when I write pieces like today’s, I’m always thinking: this is usually true, but not always. And one reader commented on Wednesday’s guest post about loving him when he’s being unlovable that in some marriages it isn’t that simple. And she’s right.
So I just want to say, loudly and clearly, that when I say that we are to let things go, and choose to love, I’m talking about most marriages which are healthy but have some struggles. I’m not talking about marriages where there’s some serious sin involved. I don’t always remember to put those disclaimers on, but I do think it. And I hope you all give me some grace in that!
I want to share some pictures and other stuff, but to tell you the honest truth–I feel lousy. And I’m going to go back to bed for a few hours now before I have to catch my plane this afternoon! So I hope you all have a good weekend–and a wonderful Valentine’s Day!
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If it's not, get The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex--and find out what you've been missing.
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February 11, 2016
Perfect Christian Girl Instagram–It’s a Tad Sarcastic
My daughter Katie has some advice for you!
She put this video up on Facebook last week and so far it’s been viewed, at last count, 410,000 times. The most viral thing she’s ever done.
Yes, it’s a tad sarcastic. 
I thought I’d share it because some of you may have seen it last week and not realized it was my daughter! And if you missed it, then you’ve got to see it.
Also, I’m lazy. Or at least I’m really busy. I had a great time giving my Girl Talk in Tyler, Texas last week, and now I’m heading to Nashville where Katie is going to be filming some videos before I finally head back home after a month on the road. I’ve been working getting blog posts up at RV sites with sketchy wifi, so it’s been a bit of a challenge. I’ve been trying to keep up with blog posts and newsletters and with getting ready to speak, so it’s a little tiring.
But it’s also been really fun (if a little colder than I expected), and I’m looking forward to the return trip home with the RV starting in late March! And remember–I still have some dates open to speak in North Carolina or Virginia on my way back home to Ontario!
As for Katie, she usually does more serious and encouraging videos, including her series as “Katie: The Relationship Guru Who Has Never Been in a Relationship Before.” Here’s one of my favourites. And here’s one on confidence that gets to the heart of it. And I’m sure she’ll keep making those. But she had fun being sarcastic for a change, and she’ll likely do a few more of those, too.
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February 10, 2016
Wifey Wednesday: 4 Ways to Love Your Husband When He’s Being Unlovable
It’s Wednesday, the day when we always talk marriage! And today author Joy McMillan joins us with this great encouragement to see beyond the things that irk us to the heart of our marriage–and our husbands. Love it!
Here’s Joy:
A sweet friend of mine texted me a while back with a plea that read something like this…”please write a post on loving our husbands when they’re being unlovable. I need it and know a few women who could really use the encouragement right now“. Being the great friend that I am (ahem), I stashed it away in my mental vault and promptly forgot about it.
Until recently. When my hubby was being a smidge unlovable. Go figure.
I considered entitled this post: “You’re Being A Punk…But I Still Love You”, but erred on the side of grace.
Here are a few simple words of wisdom from a perfectly imperfect wife who has, admittedly, told her hubby on occasion to stop being a punk.
4 Ways to LOVE your husband even if he's being UNLOVABLE. These work!
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1. Husband Being Unlovable? Check Yo’ Self
If there’s one thing I’ve learned over the past 12 years of marriage it’s this: unrealistic and unspoken expectations will destroy a relationship. It is so easy to assume, especially when you’ve been married for a while, that your husband knows what you need or want, when you need or want it. Clear communication, seasoned with grace, is essential in making a relationship work. I think we forget how very differently we’re wired; between our upbringing, personal baggage, temperament and personality, along with the fact that men and women are cut from entirely different cloth. If we aren’t clearly communicating our needs, which are not to be confused with unrealistic expectations, the chances that they’ll be met are slim.
Occasionally my hubby will distance himself emotionally from me because he can sense a low-grade level of dissatisfaction from me. When I get disenchanted with him because he’s not meeting my expectations, out of self-preservation, he withdraws.
It’s amazing how easily we can bring out the best – or the worst – in our loved ones.
With this being said, let your hubby off the hook. There’s a tremendous difference between living with lofty expectations and living life with expectancy. Master the latter.
Our identity, security and worth were never intended to be forged through them. Affirmed, yes. Nurtured, yes. But not established and maintained. We love our husbands well when we stop demanding that they meet needs they were never designed to meet.
It's amazing how we can bring out the best--or the worst--in our loved ones. Choose well!
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If you find yourself often offended at your husband for little things, check out this post: believe he means well!
2. Speak life {or Zip Your Lip}
Our words are powerful weapons…they can be used to destroy, or defend. We can either fight with, or fight for, our guys.
I don’t know about you, but my filter malfunctions frequently. I blurt something out and then lament my complete inability to think before I speak when passion is coursing through my veins. When I get fired up, my mouth can get me in trouble.
But here’s the deal: in a world of raging negativity, criticism and disrespect, we can be a safe haven for our husbands. I want my hubby to know that whatever he faces out there in the world, his name is safe in my mouth. I will honor him with my words, rather than cut him down, and I will never publicly embarrass or disrespect him. We never speak negatively about each other in front of our kids, because we realize the power we have to enhance or destroy the way they see the other. It’s not always easy when blood pressure runs high, but it’s a commitment we’ve made…and it has made all the difference in our family.
And you know, friends, the truth of the matter is…our husbands are only as great as we believe them to be. What we speak reveals what we believe. And they will live up to what we believe about them.
It’s easy to pick out the dirt in other people’s lives, and it’s even easier to talk about it because it makes us feel better about our own dirt. But we love our husbands well when we choose to speak life instead, when we intentionally choose to seek out the gold we know is sometimes buried beneath their temporary punkiness. Go for the gold, girlfriend.
3. Don’t Drink the Poison
I’ve heard it said that unforgiveness is like drinking poison hoping to hurt another. This poison is particularly potent when drunk within marriage.
On the flip side, resilience and grace are two of the healthiest ingredients we can add to our relationships, and should be consumed in large quantities, frequently. We are imperfect humans married to imperfect humans, in an imperfect world. We will disappoint, and we will be disappointed.
What a gift we give each other when we choose to live unoffended!
What a gift we give each other when we choose to live unoffended! #marriagetip
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In the same way a house is kept in order more easily by sweeping through it daily and making sure things are roughly in their right place, a marriage is kept free of clutter when we make a point of not allowing baggage to accumulate. In other words, don’t allow the sun to go down on your anger. Graciously unpack your baggage together daily – uncomfortable as it may be in the moment – and refuse to let bitterness or resentment simmer overnight. Don’t sleep on it.
Forgiveness isn’t a feeling, it’s a choice. Even though our hearts may hurt, we can choose to lay down the grievance and give up our right to seek revenge.
While we may feel slighted at times, and may be tempted to demand a blood sacrifice to right a wrong, we love our husbands well when we don’t drink the poison, when we keep our tabs short and make grace more important than justice.
Sheila says: Forgiveness doesn’t mean that we don’t deal with real issues, however. If, in your marriage, the things that need forgiveness are more like emotionally abusive words, addictions, or even physical abuse, please read this post on how to stand up to your husband and this one on not being an enabler.
4. Seduce the Dude
We may claim to not know how vital sex is to the health of our marriages, but the proof is in the pudding. Have you ever noticed the direct connection between the way your husband interacts with you emotionally and how long it’s been since you’ve connected physically?
When life gets busy and we don’t intentionally carve out time for us to reconnect and have a heavenly hoorah!…well, let’s just say…everyone’s a punk.
We know that most men have an overwhelming physical need for sex, but we often fail to recognize that our hubbies’ sex drives are intricately connected to their ability to feel like a ‘real man’. Shaunti Feldhand, in her book For Women Only, expands on this discovery, noting their overwhelming emotional need for sex as well. While they may not express their heart the way we do – that level of raw communication does not come naturally to most men – our husbands struggle with deep feelings of inadequacy and insecurity. Making love makes them feel desired, it improves their confidence and self-esteem, and boosts their well-being and performance in every area.
So, even though it can be a struggle to want to be intimate with someone who’s not being particularly lovable, we love our husbands well when we choose to be selfless, rather than selfish, honoring the fact that God created them to crave physical connection as a way of reconnecting with us emotionally.
Joy McMillan is a speaker, writer, graphic design and coach. Author of “XES: Why Church Girls Tend To Get It Backwards…and How To Get It Right” and founder of the We ROAR Project, she’s passionate about empowering women to embrace their stories, live out their passion with purpose, and leave a legacy of love. Born and raised in Southern Africa, Joy has made her home in Michigan with her hubby and their two lovely loin-fruit.
Find her online at simplybloom.org and on Instagram @simplybloomjoy.
Thanks, Joy!
Now let me know in the comments: What’s the hardest one for you?
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February 9, 2016
Top 10 Long Distance Relationship Date Ideas
With Valentine’s Day just around the corner, those of us in relationships are thinking about spending the day with our beloved. But it can be a tough day if you live hundreds, or even thousands, of miles apart. Yesterday I talked about how to be romantic, even if you’re a little romance challenged. Today let’s talk about how to be romantic even if you’re dating long distance.
Dating long distance (or living long distance for work while you’re married) means that you have to be more creative to make memories.
But it doesn’t mean it’s not possible. In fact, because you have to be so creative and deliberate you can even get to know each other better long distance than you would have had you been dating in the same city. You need to talk, so you’ll really get to know things about each other.
And you’ll learn to have fun without necessarily just watching a screen or doing something passive (or spending all your time making out!). When you’re in the same city, it’s easy to just sit next to each other and watch something without actually talking or having to make much of an effort. When you’re apart, you have to let words fill the space.
I asked on Facebook last week for some long distance date ideas, and you all gave some great ideas! So check out the post for lots of other ones. But here are some long distance romantic evenings you can experience together, beyond the typical “FaceTiming”. After all, just Skyping can get kind of old after a while, and you still want to feel like you’re romancing each other. Here are 10 ideas for creating long distance memories:
In a long distance relationship? 10 creative long distance ideas to create memories:
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1. Go to a Chain restaurant together and order together
Want a dinner out? You can still do it! Pick the same restaurant and go at the same time, while FaceTiming. Talk about what you’re ordering, and prop up your phone or tablet so you can talk throughout the meal. It may be a table for one, but you don’t have to eat alone. And I’m sure the wait staff will think it’s really cute!
2. Show your beloved the highlights of your city on FaceTime
Take turns giving each other tours of your town. FaceTime while you walk and show your beloved where you work, where you go to school, where you hang out–or even show him or her some historical landmarks.
Even if it’s just a simple “walk”, that’s okay, too. Before my daughter moved out we used to take walks everyday and just chat. Now she’s away at school, but we still take “walks” together after dinner, talking on the phone. Sometimes that’s easier than sitting at home talking, because it feels a little more special, and you’re not as distracted with all the things in your home.
3. Use Conversation Starters
Getting tired of simple Skype chats? Do them with a purpose!
Google some conversation starters for couples–there are tons there!
Play the “Would you rather” game. Lots show up on Google, too!
Spend each day talking about a new “year” of memories–today we talk about your best (and worst) memories from grade 1, and each conversation we move up a year until we get to the present day. Even text each other photos of the year that you’re talking about.
If your relationship has progressed and is more serious, try the book 101 Questions to Ask Before You Get Engaged.
4. Watch a Netflix movie at the same time
What would you do if you were in the same town? You’d probably hang out and watch a bunch of movies. But you can still do that long distance! Choose the same movie on Netflix, hit play at roughly the same time, and enjoy it together. On Facebook one of my readers recommended Synaptop, which allows you to watch movies and TV shows with other people online. Such a cool idea!
5. Play a game–chess or checkers or something else you love
Choose a 2-player game to play where you each have a copy. Or play chess or checkers with an online version.
And, of course, you can always play video games online, too. A good friend of mine even met her now-husband that way (though he lived in Arkansas and she lived in Ontario!). I really recommend not letting video games be the majority of what you do together, though, because you need time to just talk or experience “real life”, too. (And that’s what my friend did once they graduated to an actual relationship!)
You can still date, even LONG DISTANCE! 10 ways to create memories across the miles:
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6. Do a Scavenger Hunt together
Choose a theme–like as many items as you can find under $2 that remind us of our first date, or our favourite band, or our favourite movie. Then either buy them as a memento or take pictures together. The key: you both have to do it at the same time, so you can show each other what you’ve found.
7. Have a Selfie contest
Here’s a variation on the scavenger hunt idea: each of you go out on the town taking selfies to show each other: a selfie with your best friend; a selfie with the grocery clerk where you buy your milk; a selfie with the town monument. Make a list of 10 funny things, and see who can get the most hilarious shots.
8. Do a Bible study together
If you can pray together, your relationship will stay rock solid! And building your relationship on the study of Scripture means that you know that God will always be a central part of your marriage.
So be proactive. Buy a Bible study book to work through together, and make a regular date for it–say, every Tuesday at 7:30 we’ll do the study together. And pray for each other at the same time.
9. Read a book out loud together
One of my favourite memories with my husband was when we read humor writer Dave Barry’s novels and books of columns out loud together. We’d be laughing so hard at times we could barely breathe!
His novels were the best–we wheezed all the way through Big Trouble (the movie was funny, too, but the book was amazing, even if it was rude at times). But his columns are really funny, too, and Keith just loved Dave Barry’s Complete Guide to Guys.
Of course you can read a more serious book, but sometimes we just need to have fun! One person could read out loud while someone else did housework.
10. Bring him home to meet Mom
Finally, include your beloved in your family events! Having dinner with your family? Bring the computer along and put him on the dining room table so he can be part of the conversation.
So there you go–10 long distance date ideas to help you build your relationship and create memories. Even if you’re away from your beloved this Valentine’s Day, you can still spend it together doing something interesting.
Let me know in the comments: What did you do to create memories if you dated long distance?
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February 8, 2016
Reader question: Help for Romance Challenged Wives
Okay, ladies, if you’re stuck, wondering how to be romantic–or if you don’t feel the need to be romantic at all, since that’s the man’s job–I’ve got some words for you today!Every Monday I like to take a reader question and tackle it, and today’s is from a man who is married to a romance-challenged woman. He writes:
We’ve been married for a decade, but my wife makes it seem like romance and sex are always chores. I love my wife. I really do, but what is the reaction supposed to be when the guy always has to initiate everything affectionate? She hasn’t came up and kissed me for any reason in 12 years. I can never do anything right in her eyes, and sometimes she’ll go for months without having sex! All I ever wanted was a woman the would love me and be with and care about me. I wanted romance, the flowers, the candlelight dinner for two. The trip to nowhere to just get lost in each others touch. But what I get is “you’re fat” (because I gained 40 pounds) or conversations about how hot John Legend is. Where are my “I love yous”? Where are my hugs?
Wow, that’s a tough one. And there could be many things happening in this particular situation–often women stop kissing, for instance, because they feel like if they do it has to lead somewhere, and they’re not sure they want it to. There are likely some underlying factors going on here, and the couple has seen a counselor, apparently, but to no avail.
My recommendation when you feel like you’re really drifting apart and you’re not connecting is always to work on your friendship first. Find ways to have fun together and just to talk, and then you bring the tension down in the relationship so that you’re able to tackle bigger problems. Read the posts linked here for much longer ideas in those veins, which would likely be helpful for this husband. And if your wife never wants sex, here‘s a post you can show her.
But today I want to take a broader issue and run with it, because Valentine’s Day is coming up now in less than a week, and sometimes we women are rather relationship challenged, and don’t know how to be romantic. We think it’s only HIM who needs to be romantic, and that we can sit back and wait to be wooed.
It's not only husbands who should be romantic! Some tips for wives to woo husbands, too:
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Not true! We’re supposed to be doing some serious wooing ourselves. So today, here’s a pep talk for women who are lousy at romance–and some lessons on how to be romantic for YOUR man.
How to Be Romantic: For Women!
Let’s take a step back and define what romance is. It isn’t just flowers and candlelight. It’s so much more.
Romance says: I don’t just want to be with you for sex. I don’t just want you for what you can do for me. I care deeply about you, as a person. That’s why romance, to work, must be uniquely personalized to the object of affection. Romance says, “I notice you. I care about you. I want you to be with you–not just for sex, but for you.” And so romance isn’t just an art; it’s a discipline as we study our beloved, learn how they tick, and then woo them.
Every time you study your husband and learn how he ticks, and then reach out to him using things that he likes, you’re being romantic!
Ladies, are you lousy at romance? Wives should be romantic, too! Here's how:
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Learn How Your Husband Ticks
I’ve seen all of these crafts on Pinterest that you can do for your husband at Valentine’s Day. Origami you can cut out; words you can stencil; hearts you can create. And I wonder to myself: how many men will actually appreciate that?
Maybe some will, and effort is always a good thing.
But effort is so much better if it’s put into learning what your husband is actually motivated by, and then doing those things.
Putting a playlist of love songs together with his favorite bands; buying a collection of beef jerky rather than a box of chocolates; decorating with sports memorabilia of a team you saw on one of your first dates rather than candlelight. I can’t give you a long list of things that may work because that’s exactly the point: it has to be about YOUR husband. Mine would like hot chocolate in a thermos, walking hand in hand at dawn to go birdwatching, even if it’s cold. But yours probably wouldn’t (and perhaps you should be grateful you can stay warm!)
We’re told that romance must be flowers and candlelight and chocolates, and that certainly can set the mood. Those things say,
I want this experience to be special, and not only about us having sex. It’s about us experiencing everything together.
But for him, what’s really romantic may be something entirely different. It’s you figuring out what he loves, and then trying to enter into that world, too.
Say Nice Things About His Physique–and Say Nothing About Anyone Else’s
Guys need to hear that they’re good looking, too! It isn’t just women who need that encouragement. So tell your husband what you find attractive about him–his beard, his hands, his muscles, whatever. I know sometimes it’s hard to be attracted to your husband at all, but largely this is a decision that you must make.
And that means stop looking at other guys! And even if you do look or see occasionally, do not advertise it. Do not tell him. Do not tell others. Take every thought captive (2 Corinthians 10:5), and when those thoughts enter your brain, dismiss them. Right away.
Ladies, if you're married, you shouldn't have a Pinterest board called 'eye candy'. Just sayin'
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Thank Him for Things
You know what’s romantic to a guy? Knowing that his wife appreciates what he does. So one of the most romantic things you can do is to thank him for things that he does. Make it a habit, every day, to thank him for at least one thing. Especially if the tension is high in your relationship, this helps to ratchet it down considerably.
Remember, if romance is noticing somebody and reaching out, then thanking someone is a huge part of romance!
Regularly Encourage Him
Along those lines, establish a routine to regularly encourage him. Maybe you text him something encouraging everyday. Maybe you send him a note in his lunch, or pray for him every night before you go to bed.
Here’s how encouragement works:
Thank him for something
Tell him something you’ve noticed–“I saw how you tried not to lose your patience with your boss on the phone today. Way to go!”
Tell him you believe in him, that he’s going in the right direction.
Do those three things, and you’ll have a husband who feels ten feet tall!
Flirt with Your Husband
Here’s a secret about gratitude and encouragement: the more we thank him and encourage him, the more we’ll be noticing good things about him. And that means we’ll be thinking about those good things more frequently, rather than thinking about the bad things. And that change of thought patterns will help us feel much more affectionate!
So now you can start flirting with your husband. I’ve got 16 awesome ideas to flirt here.
Be Affectionate–Keep Kissing!
You’ve started to flirt, so you’re laughing a little bit more. Now add some kissing to the mix! Marriage needs kissing. Want to make him feel like you are pursuing him? Kiss him for 10-15 seconds every night, when you’re both together after work. Try it for a week, and see how it changes your relationship.
Try the 15-second kiss a day challenge! It will change your marriage.
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Touch Him More
Humans were created to crave physical touch. Some of us aren’t touchy people, but even if you don’t like touch in general, with your husband, try to make it a regular occurrence. When you’re sitting beside him on the couch, put your hand on his leg. When he walks by you, pat his butt!
Make Love to Him
And here’s the culmination of everything: put a priority on making love in your marriage. That’s the ultimate way to say to a guy, “I notice you. I admire you. I want you to know that I want to share this experience with you.”
Guys know that for a woman to actually enjoy making love she has to be mentally into it. She has to decide, “I want to be deeply intimate with my husband right now.” They know the difference between us “letting” him and us being an enthusiastic participant. Again, it’s that mental switch that says, “I am going to enjoy my husband tonight!”
And if you don’t know where to start, check out 31 Days to Great Sex, a 31-day challenge you do with your husband to help you talk more about sex, flirt more, and spice things up. You’ll learn how to enjoy sex a lot more, too! It’s a low key way to get your love life back on track. Learn more here.
Think About This: Do you want a love story? Then make one!
Do these steps, in this order, and the making love one will come more naturally. As you start to study him; as you thank him more and look for things to encourage in him; as you flirt more, kiss more, touch more, you’ll naturally raise your own desire levels for your husband. You’ll feel more connected.
That’s how our brains work. The things that we choose to focus on become the things that we actively think about. If you want to change your marriage, then change the way you think about your husband!
Instead of focusing on what you don’t have (maybe he’s gained 40 pounds, or he isn’t that romantic), focus on what you do have. And think about it this way: If you want a love story, your best chance to get it is with the man you’re with. So don’t sit back and wait for him to completely change. Become the romantic wife you were meant to be. Create your own love story, and you just may find that learning how to be romantic is actually a fun experience.
Do you struggle with how to be romantic? Let me know in the comments!
Marriage isn't supposed to be blah!
Sex is supposed to be stupendous--physically, emotionally, AND spiritually.
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February 5, 2016
Women: Don’t Forget You Are Strong
It’s Friday, the day when I publish my “Marriage Moment”, a 400-word inspirational thought about marriage. And today I want to talk about how strong a woman you really are.
Sheila’s Marriage Moment: Don’t Forget You Are Strong
Strong. Fierce. Brave.
God made you like that! You are made in His image, and He gave us a job: to inhabit the earth and subdue it. What does “subdue” it mean? Just as we pray: “Your will be done, on earth, as it is in heaven,” we act to bring that which is outside of God’s will into God’s will.
So let me ask you something: what is your primary goal in marriage? Is it to bring your relationship, your heart, and your husband’s heart, into submission to God, so that we all look more like Jesus (Romans 8:29), or is it that your husband treat you well?
A woman recently left this comment on my post about why women often feel taken for granted :
But then when you try to stand your ground – like choosing NOT to spoil everyone– they think you’re just being selfish. When I try to do things differently, my husband gets upset.
She was encouraging entitled behavior in her children and even, perhaps, her husband, and she stopped. And now her husband thinks she’s mean!
Here’s a similar story, that I shared in 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage. She knows they’re deeply in debt, but she doesn’t know how much. When she tries to discuss it, he shuts down. “There’s nothing I can do,” she says.
And that’s true–there is nothing she can do, if her primary motivation is to keep the peace and not have her husband mad at her.
But if her primary motivation is to bring her small part of the earth into submission to Christ, and have those around her looking more like Christ, then there’s a lot she can do! She can march down to the bank and ask to see the statements. She can talk to her pastor or a good friend and ask them to sit down with the couple, together. She can continue to talk to her husband, calmly, and say, “this isn’t going away and I’m not giving up until this is sorted out.”
Will her husband be mad? Probably. But what matters more–“your will be done, on earth, as it is in heaven”, or keeping a fragile peace?
God made you strong so that you could help your husband! And it’s not helping him if your motivation is for surface peace rather than for God’s dominion. Get your heart in line with Christ’s, where it’s not about revenge, getting what you want, or one upping anybody. And then be a strong woman of God! Let’s love as Christ did, upholding both justice and truth, as we glorify God in our families.
The underlying verse for 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage is Micah 6:8:
He has shown you, O mortal, what is good.
And what does the Lord require of you?
To act justly and to love mercy
and to walk humbly with your God.
We’re to love mercy–to be loving, to be gracious, to be kind. But we’re also to act justly–to stand up for what’s right, to stand for Truth. And how do we find that tricky balance? By being humble before God and allowing Him to shape our character and our priorities and our dreams.
I think that’s a great recipe for marriage!
What’s #1 at To Love, Honor and Vacuum?
It looks like it’s all about the intimacy this week! Let’s take a look at this week’s top posts and start the conversation about how we can improve this aspect of our marriage!
#1 NEW Post on the Blog: Reader Question: My Wife Sleeps With The Toddler!
#1 on the Blog Overall: How To Initiate Sex
#2 from Facebook: 29 Days To Great Sex, Day 1: The Act of Marriage
#5 from Pinterest: 29 Days To Great Sex, Day 14: When You Don’t Want To Make Love
I Need 144 More Followers on Pinterest to Hit 20,000!
Wanna join me? I’m right here.
I’m Speaking in Childress, Texas Tomorrow Night–and in Tyler on Tuesday!
We enjoyed the Gulf Shores in Alabama for a few days, and now we’re in Texas, getting ready for two Girl Talks–one in Childress and one in Tyler.
We’ll be back in Texas next year (and in the midwest next fall and California next winter), so if any of your churches are interested in hosting a Girl Talk, just let me know!
The Gulf Shores Was Beautiful…
Seriously, I never even realized Alabama bordered the Gulf of Mexico. I guess I should have figured that out, but I never really thought about it. But we were driving through from Georgia to Texas, and decided to “play it by ear” and just stop wherever we wanted.
It’s been gorgeous!
I’m blessed to be able to travel all around North America, and I hope to meet up with more of you in my travels!
Have a great weekend, everyone!
31 Days to Great Sex is here (only $4.99!) It's the best $5 you'll ever spend on your marriage!
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February 4, 2016
When Baby Showers are Hard
When we’re carrying our own pain, it can be difficult to be joyous for others.
Today Christia Colquitt from Faith Filled Parenting joins us to talk about how she came to terms with being happy for someone else. I know baby showers can be hard especially for people with infertility, and that wasn’t Christia’s problem. She already had children. But when we lose a dream it can be so easy to focus on ourselves. I think Christia’s point of learning to see outside of ourselves and rejoice with others is so apt! I hope this encourages you today.
I am a mommy of five.I love babies. I love children. And this past year, I was told by my doctor that it would not be safe for my health to bear more children. My husband and I had always agreed that we would continue to have children until God gave us a clear answer.
Enter March 2015.
My health issues began with a serious depressive disorder. It came out of nowhere, was coupled with anxiety, and my world literally came crashing down. After six months of searching for answers, starting a prescription drug, a vitamin supplement routine, a Paleo diet, and two surgeries, the professionals came to the conclusion that the hormone imbalance of my pregnancies caused the crash. My gallbladder and liver were both struggling due to the inflammation that these imbalances had caused. The road to recovery has been long, covered in prayer, and supported by the love of my family.
Today was the first time that I attended a baby shower since my crash.
And I was nervous and to be quite honest jealous with envy. That used to be me with the round belly feeling the flutters. And now it would never be me again. Memories of holding my babies for the first time flooded my thoughts. And the fact that my oldest just turned nine was still fresh in my mind.
As I laid in bed beside my husband the night before the shower, I just started to sob. Hot, messy, ugly tears flowed. My husband just held me. He knew. He knew my pain. He knew my fear. He knew what this was all about. And when the tears were over, I felt cleansed. I was so thankful that my husband did not try to “fix” the problem right away. He knew that I needed to just let it go. I needed that moment to cry in the arms of my husband. It was not until after I had settled down that he prayed over me. He asked God to open up my eyes to all my blessings, to others hurts, and to use my pain as a light to others. Having an open conversation with my husband about the hurt in my heart allowed me to move on.
And from my tears the night before, two incredible revelations came to me as I prepared for this event.
This is not about me. It is about that beautiful life God created for my friend.
It is her experience, and God calls me to “rejoice with those who rejoice.” I needed to search deeper than just be happy for her so I decided to go to Scripture.
In Philippians 4:12-13 Paul writes
I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret to being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all things through (Christ) who gives me strength.
This passage resonated with me. I had been in need as I struggled through depression, and I had known plenty as God blessed me with five healthy children. So now it was time for me to find my strength in Christ. As Andy Stanley says “There is no win in comparisons.” Comparing was not going to get me anywhere.
One practical step I took was to pray.
When a jealous or envious thought entered, I took that thought captive to Christ and prayed for my friend. I prayed for her baby, for her delivery, for her as a parent, for her marriage those first few months. I prayed for those around me. Baby showers can be difficult for lots of women. Infertility, miscarriages, unhealthy marriages affect so many that celebrating someone else’s pregnancy can be difficult. Since I was always the one pregnant, I never stopped to think about what others might be feeling or thinking. They needed my prayers too. Maybe they had envious thoughts that needed redirecting and made new like mine. God knew my heart was in the right place, and I truly believe His reward was a sense of peace.
Today was a success.
Spiritually I grew. In prayer, I felt more connected to God and my friends. I was overjoyed to celebrate my friend and her upcoming new arrival. And I as I continue to heal, I hugged my kids a little tighter tonight. There may not be more babies for me in my future, but the ones God has blessed me with are perfect. Today I choose to be thankful and filled with joy.
Christia Colquitt is passionate about intentional parenting. She uses Faith Filled Parenting as a ministry to share parenting, home management, and marriage tips and tricks. She has started a series called How to Survive Zero to Thrive. Christia’s main goal is to help parents not only survive, but thrive during those early parenting years. Her husband is the punter for the Kansas City Chiefs and together they are homeschooling their five children. She hopes to inspire and encourage others as she shares her struggles through depression, health issues, and her journey to a Paleo lifestyle.
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February 3, 2016
Wifey Wednesday: Flip that Mental Switch!
It’s Wednesday, the day when we always talk marriage! And today Dr. Carol Peters-Tanksley, author of Dr. Carol’s Guide to Women’s Health, joins us to encourage us to get our brains in gear when it comes to sex!
You may have experienced the vicious cycle yourself. Something isn’t going well between you and your husband. Perhaps he was inconsiderate and said something negative about you in front of your friends. Perhaps you were extra tired or truly had a headache, and had to refuse his sexual advances. The temperature between you dropped from pleasantly warm to tepid.
Neither of you felt much like “making up.” A few days later something else happened, and the temperature dropped again. Now you’re starting to feel a real chill. You’re frustrated at his lack of understanding, and he certainly isn’t doing anything to make you feel warmer towards him. And if he were asked, he would say that you’re going out of your way to be distant, unavailable, and downright “unwifely!”
God wants us to “love, honor, and cherish” each other. And there’s not much loving, honoring, or cherishing going on.
In my role as an OB-Gyn physician, and in my ministry activities, I hear from couples like this all too often. What starts out as a temporary speedbump can easily develop into a wall between you.
It’s been two months since he made any effort at intimacy.” “She hasn’t let me make love to her for almost a year.”
And the weeks, months, or even years continue until you’re more like roommates instead of husband and wife. I can feel the hurt, the frustration, and the loneliness in these couples.
Is that you?
As a wife you have plenty of excuses you could use to keep your husband at arm’s length and not “have to” engage in sex. Children may be keeping you up at night, and you’re exhausted. Your schedule and his may leave you very little time to be in the same place at the same time. Your hormones may be making you feel crazy. Your husband just isn’t as interesting, as romantic, as helpful, or as attentive as you hoped he would be. And on top of that, he’s done things to hurt you!
The bottom line: you just can’t get in the mood.
I believe there’s absolutely no reason you should feel obligated to “give in” to sex with your husband any and every time he wants it. But I’m going to share a technique with you that’s guaranteed to bring you closer together. If the wall between you has been there a long time you may have to employ this technique repeatedly for a while, but if your husband has an ounce of good will left in his heart, this will work.
The Mental Aspect of Intimacy
To understand this technique, it’s important to realize that sex begins in the mind.
Sure, your hormones, your reproductive organs, and your environment are all important. But the biggest single factor in your experience of intimacy – including sex – is your mind.
Think of the last time you watched a romantic movie or read a romance novel. Do you remember how that made you feel? Chances are your internal engines were revved up – and the only stimulus for that to happen were the pictures and thoughts in your mind. Your husband wasn’t being sweet to you. There were no flowers or chocolates, no holding-hands-under-the-stars, no enchanted evening, no slow dancing to “your” song.
The feelings of excitement were triggered in your mind. And your body followed – to some smaller or greater extent.
You should be shouting for joy right now! Your feelings can grow from thoughts in your mind. And that means you have a large amount of control over what feelings you allow to flourish, including all the sexy, connected, excited, committed feelings that intimacy at its best can bring.
No, your choice about what to think about isn’t the only factor in creating satisfying intimacy. But it’s often the most important driver, and the one you can usually do the most about.
And by the way, I’m sure you realize that sex is only one part of intimacy. It’s a very important part, but without relationship and trust and togetherness and friendship and commitment, sex is – well – just sex. Sexual intimacy is at its best when the other aspects of intimacy are strong as well.
As women, you and I are especially gifted in this mental aspect of intimacy. And that brings me directly to that technique that is certain to bring you and your husband closer together.
Taking A Mental Step
If you want to build the intimacy in your marriage, if you want to re-connect and bring back the butterflies, here’s the technique you can learn: Choose to take a mental step toward your husband.
You’ve taken a step away from him countless times. You’ve hesitated for a moment when he makes a sexual advance, and then moved away. You’ve looked at him when he wasn’t watching, imagining what might be, and then looked away. Even if there’s nothing that has especially attracted you to him in a long time, every now and then your soul feels a hint of longing, an ever-so-small desire to be closer. But you haven’t acted on that desire.
Until now.
It’s time to reverse that, and choose to take a mental step toward your husband, rather than away from him. And then to take a small action to follow up that mental step in his direction.
I know personally how important this technique can be. My husband has a chronic illness, and barring a miracle from God may not get much better. That means our togetherness is usually filled with monitoring symptoms and numbers, managing medications and doctor’s visits, and a hundred other things that are necessary to keep him as alive and well as possible. We love each other deeply, but spontaneous romantic intimacy often gets pre-empted.
So at those times when my husband is feeling well – and amorous – intimacy may be the farthest thing from my mind. We both want to be close, but my feelings need a little time to catch up.
I’ve learned that choosing to take that mental step in his direction makes all the difference in the world.
However little or much happens next, we always feel more connected. And sometimes the results are spectacular!
If you’re struggling to feel connected with your husband, to respond to his desires for intimacy, or to get him to respond to you, I encourage you to practice taking a mental step in his direction. CHOOSE to move closer.
And then take a small action to follow up that mental step:
Hold his hand a little longer
Move closer on the couch, and ask him an open-ended question
Make that kiss last – and last
Offer a backrub
Sure, there may be a number of other things you have to address as a couple; negative baggage from past sexual experiences, physical issues that make sex difficult, forgiveness for all the little failures between you, communication differences, etc.
But owning the power of your mind in the area of intimacy will do much to help you reconnect with your husband.
If you start by taking that mental step in his direction, there’s no telling how your body – or your husband – may respond!
Dr Carol Peters-Tanksley is a licensed OB-Gyn physician and ordained Christian minister, sometimes known to her friends as “Doctor-Doctor.” Her new book Dr Carol’s Guide to Women’s Health: Take Charge of Your Physical and Emotional Wellbeingis available wherever books are sold. Dr Carol invites you to connect with her at her ministry website www.drcarolministries.com, Twitter, or Facebook.
Take this advice one step further! Here are the top 10 positive things to say to yourself about sex, to keep flipping that mental switch.
The post Wifey Wednesday: Flip that Mental Switch! appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.
February 2, 2016
Reader question: My Wife Sleeps with the Toddler!
Today’s reader question comes from a rather unhappy husband who would like his wife back in his bed.
I have nowhere to turn to in regards to my wife cosleeping with our toddler. We are both Christians and attend church on a regular basis. Ever since our two year old was born my wife has been sleeping with him. She claims, “It is so much easier to breast feed him when I am next to him.” This has been going on for 28 months. She now sleeps in the same room with our other son with the youngest. We have not slept in same bed for well over two years. Our sex life is nonexistent–11x in past year. I am at my wit’s end and have nowhere to turn.
Wow. Okay, let’s try to tackle this. Because it’s mostly women who read this blog, I’m going to address most of my comments to women, with some words to the husbands at the end.
First, I have to say: I must be a glutton for punishment, because I’ve talked about co-sleeping before, and every time I do I get lambasted from readers. So let me start with some disclaimers:
I understand that it is often easier to sleep with babies.
Of course, my husband is a pediatrician and has seen babies get suffocated from parents sleeping beside them, so he would always want me to issue the warning that cosleeping is not recommended by pediatric societies.
But nevertheless, I know many parents do it. I do know that breastfeeding is easier if the child is in bed with you, and for many moms, sleeping with the baby is the only way to get some sleep.
I also understand that some COUPLES choose to co sleep with their toddlers.
I don’t think this is ideal, however. I think that couples need alone time, and I think that the “family bed” can create a situation where you can’t move the kids out of your bed, even if you want to, because they’re so used to sleeping with you. I have known families who can’t get their 7 or 8 year olds to sleep in their own rooms.
Nevertheless, you are the parents, and if you and your husband both, together, willingly choose to have the kids in your bed not because you can’t get them to sleep in their own rooms but because you genuinely want them there, then I completely support that.
I would just urge you to make sure that your husband truly wants them there, because my husband talks to many patients who cosleep with their kids. Every single time, when you get the dad alone, he says he wants the kids out but the mom won’t hear of it. So, mom, be sure it’s your decision as a couple, and you’re not just shutting out his feelings because it’s something you want so much.
That being said, the wife should be sleeping with the husband, not co-sleeping with toddlers (or co-sleeping with older children) without the husband.
The wife’s bed is the husband’s bed. Period.
If the couple, TOGETHER, choose to bring the toddlers or children into bed (as I said above), that’s fine. But a wife choosing to sleep away from her husband in favour of her children? That’s a huge red flag.
Sometimes obviously you can’t sleep in the same bed, if there are snoring issues or health issues or work schedule issues. But in general, couples should sleep together.
Moms: Sleep in the bed with your husband, not in your kids room with them. Please.
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Here are some things to consider:
Sex is much harder when you’re cosleeping with toddlers
I have had moms who cosleep with their children tell me that, “we still have sex! We just have to get creative and have it in different places!” That’s wonderful. But it’s also a basic fact of human behaviour that when you make something more difficult you will get less of it.
Often when couples make love it’s unplanned. You’re lying in bed, talking and snuggling, and things “just happen”. If you’ve removed the opportunity for things to “just happen”, you will have sex less often.
When you choose to cosleep, you simultaneously choose to sacrifice some of your sexual encounters.
Your husband’s feelings matter
Now that you’re married, your husband matters more, not less, because those kids are counting on you to stay together. If you sacrifice a bit of your marriage to make your kids happy, are you really helping them?
Marriage is hard enough once kids come. They take up so much of our time and energy. If you have no time away from them, just the two of you, you put such an added strain on your marriage.
Yes, you love your children with an all-encompassing love. Moms would die for their children in an instant; most of us would have to think for a bit about whether or not we would die for our husbands. It’s just a different relationship. But just because it’s less intense, in a way, does not make it less important. In fact, it’s quite the opposite.
Kids will clamor for your attention. They will bug you. They will make sure you don’t forget them.
Marriage doesn’t work that way. When a marriage (or a husband) is being neglected, you likely won’t hear kicking and screaming. It will be a slow fade. It will be a withdrawal, an increasing distance, a drift.
There’s nothing urgent keeping your attention on your husband, so you must be intentional. When you spend all of your energy and affection on your kids, you don’t help them. You hurt them, because you hurt your marriage. You are “one flesh” with your husband, not with your children.
Your children should not bear the weight of your emotional needs
When kids get your attention instead of your husband, they will be very happy. Kids are naturally selfish and they’re naturally leeches: they want all the attention they can possibly get.
Ultimately, though, if a child comes between you and your husband you create a very unhealthy emotional dynamic for that child. Your children know that they trump your husband. They increasingly take on the need to make you happy, and they distance themselves from their dad. It’s not good. And you should not put on your children your needs for emotional closeness. You’re the parent; you’re the one who meets the needs. If you can’t separate from a toddler because you love holding them too much, then you’re putting your toddler in the giving role. That’s selfish and it’s wrong, and ultimately it will hurt them.
Kids need to learn to separate and do things on their own
One of the best gifts you can give your small children is the ability to put themselves to sleep.
Think about this: you naturally wake up several times during the night (we all do), but we usually just roll over and go back to sleep.
But what would happen if you woke up and your pillow wasn’t there? Could you go back to sleep? Perhaps not, because you associate your pillow with sleep.
When you have to rock your children to get them to sleep, or give them a bottle to get them to sleep, or breastfeed them to get them to sleep, or lie down with them to get them to sleep, then when they wake up, they will need whatever it is you do in order to go back to sleep. They won’t just roll over and doze off again.
So if you have to lie down with your toddler to get them to sleep at night, then when they wake up at 2 in the morning, they will want you to come beside them again. And so we think, “it’s easier if I just stay here.”
And then we progress to,
My baby needs me and loves me so much!
But your baby needs you because you’ve taught your baby (or toddler) to associate you with sleep! If you teach them to associate hugging them and kissing them and then lying them down in a crib or toddler bed with sleep, then they’ll sleep that way, too!
A baby who needs his or her mother to go to sleep does not love that mother more than a baby or toddler who can go to sleep happily by him or herself. That baby has simply not learned how to sleep on their own. And that baby will easily become more fussy and more anxious because that baby doesn’t know how to calm him or herself.
Yes, it may take a while to teach your kids to sleep on their own
It is difficult. But you need to get your marriage–and your life–back! You aren’t doing yourself or your marriage any service by making your life revolve around your kids. I have known moms, though, who refuse to help their kids sleep on their own because they like the feeling of being needed by their kids. They crave it. That’s not fair to the children and it’s not fair to your husband.
A note to husbands whose wives cosleep with the kids
If you could have written the letter that this man did, I just have a few thoughts.
Your wife needs to know that you still love her, and that the marriage is important. Spend time with her. Do some things with the toddlers and insist she take some time to herself. Ask her to do a “marriage check-in” once a day just so that you can keep up with what is going on in each other’s lives. Share with her your feelings about life–about work, about church, about God. Don’t wall off your feelings. She needs that connection.
And then, once you are talking regularly and you have time together, sit her down and tell her your concerns about the sleeping arrangement. Show her this post. Tell her that the kids matter to you so much, and that’s why you want a rock solid marriage–for them. Ask her what you can do to create that strong marriage, and then ask her to come back to your bed. Tell her you know it will be hard, but you’ll research how to do it and you’ll do it with her, full partner.
Just understand that her motivation is likely that she loves the kids so much. Show her that you love them, too–and then work through this together.
Now let me know in the comments: Have you ever had to stop the kids from sleeping with you? How did you do it?
The post Reader question: My Wife Sleeps with the Toddler! appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.
