Sheila Wray Gregoire's Blog, page 164
February 29, 2016
You Can Raise Kids You Actually Like
When Rebecca, my oldest daughter, was 5 years old, acquaintances of ours had a daughter who was 6. And when adult friends of yours have kids the same as age as yours, you naturally make those kids play together, so that the adults could hang out!
We quickly realized, though, that this was a disaster waiting to happen. This other little girl was just plain unpleasant. She would whine. She would quit playing a game if she didn’t get to make up the rules. She would fight.
But it was also hard for them to find time to play together because this family was just so busy.
Her mom told me, “We find evenings difficult if we’re just home, because when she gets bored she acts up. So we put her in a lot of activities.”
This family was driving around every night taking this girl to extra curricular classes because they couldn’t bear to be home alone with her.
That mom’s admission stayed in my mind as I raised my girls.
Every time the girls hit a rough patch, or started to whine, I would think back to that family, and I would decide, “there is no way I want to raise kids I don’t want to be with“, and we would figure out how to nip it in the bud.
While I write more about marriage now, when I started this blog in 2008 I wrote mostly about parenting. And some of those parenting posts have actually been the biggest posts on this blog! I’ve had so many requests to put them all together in a book, so that you can read what to do when, and I finally decided to do it.
When I was thinking about which posts I wanted to pull, and what emphasis I wanted the book to have, I thought back to that family, and I decided to focus on how to raise kids you actually like to be around. I thought, “that’s great! I’ll write about how to discipline kids!”
So I pulled lots of those posts, I elaborated, I sorted them out, put them together in a logical order, and then I realized something.
Most of this book isn’t about how to discipline.
Most of the book is actually about how to build a relationship with your child, because parenting, at its best, should not just be about how to stop unwanted behaviour. It should be about how to inspire, and enjoy, godly behaviour!
I think sometimes that we focus so much on how to discipline and punish that we forget the joys of just spending time with our kids. And sometimes we get into power struggles with our kids, determined to win since we’re the parent. We’re going to make them eat their dinner–no more whining at the table! We’re going to make them do those chores! We’re not going to tolerate the siblings fighting anymore!
Look, I absolutely agree with helping kids not be picky eaters–and I’ve got information on that in the book. I’m a big believer in teaching kids to do chores–and there’s lots of that in the book, too. Sibling fights? Not acceptable. Far too draining. I cover that as well.
But sometimes these attempts to “win” at all costs because we’re the parent make us forget how to just have fun.
And then the whole relationship seems to be focused on changing someone. That just contributes to the tension.
A big part of raising kids you actually like is just making parenting more relaxing. It’s about saving you time but getting them to help with chores. It’s about enjoying family meals instead of having them taken up with squabbles and whining. It’s about getting through errands without temper tantrums, and returning home feeling like you’ve all created some fun memories together.
And then, when you do have to discipline, it’s about looking at the heart issue and making the punishment fit the crime–and the child.
In this book, I show you how to do these things. I show you how to raise a family that will bring you such joy.
If you’ve been reading my blog for a while, you may recognize a few of these posts. Occasionally one of them will go big on Pinterest. But the vast majority of them have laid dormant here for years, even though I’ve loved the information. And I’ve never put it all together like this–easy to read, easy to find, even with printables that sum up the information!
You’ll hear about:
How to build a relationship with your toddler and preschooler, including figuring out how to prevent temper tantrums, how to discipline, and what NOT to discipline for
How to train your elementary school aged child’s character
How to stop yourself from jeopardizing your own parenting, by learning how not to yell, but also by learning how to vary your voice tone and the words you use “when you really mean it”
How to develop responsibility in children–because it’s much easier to enjoy kids who are helping you! We’ll look at how to encourage them to do chores, teach them about money, follow through with tasks, do homework, and more!
How to cure picky eaters, reluctant piano practisers, or homework procrastinators
And you’ll hear all about my own foibles with my kids (including my struggles with Katie and piano), and laugh with me along the way!
And it’s super cheap–only $3.99 right now.
I am so happy with this book. My designer made the .pdf version just plain beautiful (unfortunately you can’t do that with the Kindle versions)! And I love how it’s laid out so it builds a parenting plan for you.
After months of me trying to pick material, elaborate on material, and even cut material, it’s all here. And I know you’re going to love it!
But what if you have boys? After all, I only had girls. Do I know anything about boys?
Well, my nephew spent two years at our home. But besides that, as you all know, many of my posts are inspired by reader stories. And so many are inspired by my talking to my husband, who’s a pediatrician, too.
We spend so long saying, “you’re your child’s parent, not their friend.” And in principle, I agree. But let me tell you this: One of the most lovely parts about your children growing up is that if you enjoy being together, they become some of your closest friends.
The book launches today for just $3.99, but the price will be going up after it’s been out for a few weeks. So pick it up now! And make sure the dynamic in your home is one that’s fun, and not one that’s just full of stress and chaos.
When you buy it from my store, you get a .pdf that you can open on your iPad, iPhone, computer, or other device. And it’s laid out really nicely with a lovely design! Or you can buy it from Amazon and it will go right to your Kindle (I’ll have other options up later this week).
And a whole bunch of you are getting the book for FREE today!
Everyone who signed up to be a monthly supporter of To Love, Honor and Vacuum through Patreon is getting this book for free. Plus they’re also getting extra weekly emails with commentary on what I think of today’s news and this week’s posts, what I’ve been reading, what I’m struggling with, and more! And at different levels they’ll get ALL of my ebooks for free, audio downloads, podcasts with me and my husband, chats with me, and more!
Check it out here. If you choose to start supporting me for just $5 a month, you’ll help me raise money to take marriage ministry to Kenya and Eastern Europe, fix this blog, and expand its reach–AND you’ll get Raising Kids You Like. For free!
Thanks, everybody! I hope you love the book. I know I’m really pleased with it, and I think it will help so many families find that peace they want.
The post You Can Raise Kids You Actually Like appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.
February 26, 2016
Reach Out and Touch Your Husband
Every Friday I like to run a quick 400-word Marriage Moment, where I just give one thought to help your marriage! I spend so much time writing much longer things that I like to have one day a week where I share something short. So here goes!
Sheila’s Marriage Moment: Reach Out and Touch Someone
The opening credits start and I sink into the couch with a happy sigh. His hand falls on my thigh and stays there, and the warmth radiates. I sigh again.
Later we’re lying in bed and he’s rubbing my back and it hurts so much but it feels so glorious at the same time.
When I wake up this morning my leg is flung over his. And it’s nice.
When I taught my girls English I wouldn’t let them use the word ‘nice’. I’d make them choose something more vivid that captured the emotion.
But nice fits, I think. Those moments weren’t particularly special. They were everyday. There was no fanfare, no celebration, no forethought. It just was–that feeling when skin touches skin, when bodies touch bodies, when we’re so comfortable with each other hands and legs end up together.
Do we realize how lovely physical touch is?
Now I’m not a physical touch love languages person. I’m not someone who hugs every friend who comes in my door. But there is something so healing, so lovely that comes from just being able to touch another person. It grounds me. It gets me out of my head (where I spend most of my time obsessing over ideas) and gets me back in the real world. It reminds me there is more to life than just what I think or see–that sometimes I can close my eyes and just feel. It lets me know that I am not alone.
It was physical touch that I missed the most when I was away from my husband for two and a half weeks recently. I’m not talking about just sex; I mean someone rubbing my back, or ruffling my hair, or holding my hand at a stoplight. Those little gestures, done without thinking, tell us, “you are not alone in this world. I am here.”
I once heard of a couple who always discussed difficult things while holding hands. They couldn’t get too angry if they were holding hands!
Sometimes marriage gets negative–we feel distant and we don’t know why. Everything we say seems to be laden with some hidden meaning. There’s a wall. And we despair that we may never feel close again.
Certainly there may be big issues at stake, but I often wonder–do we get more emotionally distant because we also choose to get physically distant? People need touch–that hand on the leg, the rub on the shoulders, the fingers through the hair. It connects us. And that breaks down so many walls, and brings so many healthy emotions.
Do we get emotionally distant because we let ourselves get physically distant?
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So this weekend, reach out and touch someone. And be grateful it you have someone around to touch.
Are you reading this on Friday or on Saturday morning? I just recorded a Periscope broadcast on 5 Ways to Bring More Touch to Your Marriage. Go on over and watch it (it disappears Saturday afternoon!). I can’t link, but search for Sheila Gregoire and you’ll find it!
What’s #1 at To Love, Honor and Vacuum?
This week the “tops” include many topics including marriage, parenting, and spiritual guidance so there’s something for everyone! What are you dealing with right now?
#1 NEW Post on the Blog: Why Is Marriage Advice So Contradictory?
#3 on the Blog Overall: How To Initiate Sex
#2 from Facebook: Discipline Without Spanking
#2 from Pinterest: Have We Forgotten How To Be Mommy?
This Week I’ve Had a Ton Going on in My Head…
I have two contradictory things happening. One woman I know is finally telling her story about being in an emotionally abusive marriage and how she had to leave, and how the church treated her, and it is so compelling and riveting. And I’ve been reading a ton on how certain approaches to marriage seem to breed this kind of abuse–and getting rather worked up about it. I have known women in relationships like these, and it is awful. And the way the church as a whole has failed to deal with it is appalling.
But then on the other side I know a woman who is currently leaving her husband who is claiming abuse that honestly wasn’t there. They simply were distant and didn’t always get along (the teens know, the counselor knows, etc.) She even had another friend who did go through emotional abuse talk to her and try to say, “umm, honey, that’s not abuse,” but she wouldn’t listen because she wanted to leave. That’s now four friends who have claimed their husbands were abusive to give them justification to leave (and interestingly, all four friends ended up letting the husbands have the majority of the custody of the kids afterwards, too). And too many women who have stayed when they should have left because they believed it was submitting! It’s all just so confusing and messed up.
So I’ve been reading all kinds of stuff on the internet about all of this, and getting so upset that we don’t treat abuse seriously enough (because if we did, we could define it better and say–that’s not abuse, but this definitely is).
And I’ve got all of those articles, plus a ton more, in my weekly newsletter that’s going out to my new supporters on Patreon! That’s a program I started this week where, if you support me for a small amount of money, I get some funds to make this blog better, and you get the inside scoop on what I’m thinking, free ebooks, access to chat sessions, and more! You’ll even see more about my family.
So come on over and join us!
Raising Kids You Actually Like Launches on Monday!
I just got the inside proofs and the .pdf version (that you buy from my store) looks so good! I’m really pleased with this book.
I shared on Facebook yesterday my post on top 10 ways to discipline without spanking, because I fear that too often in Christian circles we’re taught that the most CHRISTIAN way to discipline is to spank, and anything else isn’t really discipline. I don’t agree at all, for a whole bunch of reasons, but mostly because the punishment should fit the crime and the punishment should teach real life lessons, and spanking rarely meets either definition (but lots of other things do!). Anyway, interesting discussion there.
My Parenting Newsletter Went out to 10,000 Moms This Week
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The post Reach Out and Touch Your Husband appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.
February 25, 2016
The #1 Reason Women Yell at Their Kids
Do you yell at your kids too much?
When I was younger and I pictured myself as a mom, I never pictured exhaustion and endless laundry and children thinking I’m torturing them because I’m washing their hair. I pictured idyllic baking times with the smell of chocolate chip cookies wafting through the house, or fun craft days around the table.
And so it was a huge surprise to me when I often found myself so aggravated with my two little girls that I would raise my voice. A lot.
How could I, who loved my kids so much and who so wanted to be a good mom, yell at my kids? I went to Bible studies. I read books on children’s self-esteem. I wanted to nurture their hearts. Yet far too often my frustration level reached the roof and my voice exploded.
When my children were early into the elementary school days I realized that this had to stop, and I started analyzing those times when I yelled. What was it they were doing that was making me lose my temper?
As I dissected those times, I did learn a few things that my husband and I needed to correct in my kids: they had to have more consequences for fighting over toys; they had to nurture their relationship with each other; they had to have consequences for not listening to me the first time, and we did work on those things.
But the big thing I noticed was this: when I was yelling at my kids, the root of it almost always had to do with what was going on with me, not what was going on with them.
These are the first few paragraphs from a post I wrote for The Humbled Homemaker on the main reason moms yell at their kids! Click on through to read 4 ways to STOP yelling by addressing your own issues. It’s not as hard as you think!
I’ve had such FUN lately reaching out to other bloggers and guest posting, which I haven’t done in ages, because I’m trying to get my wonderful face in front of other people who maybe haven’t read my blog! So sorry for making you click through twice this week to read my words, but I do like those posts. Hope you don’t mind!
And now an update from my launch of my supporters’ site yesterday: I’m now 40% towards my first goal of being able to free up some of my time so I can devote more time to videos and Periscope broadcasts and things that I love. And I’ll employ some broke university students, too!
I’ve had a bunch of people support me, and last night I started writing my first “Inside Sheila’s Brain” newsletter for the supporters–the inside scoop on what I’m thinking and writing this week. And they’ll be getting my new ebook that I’m releasing next Monday–Raising Kids You Actually Like–free!
I’m excited about these possibilities. In fact, I’m hoping I can persuade many more of you to become supporters, not because you feel obligated (seriously, I don’t want anyone to be obligated!), but because you want to learn more and participate more, and you also want to partner with me. Keith and I had a meeting with a man from a missions organization we support who told us about an amazing anti-human trafficking initiative they’ve got going in Calcutta. Once I reach my basic goals of $980 a month to help this blog run better, I really want to look at raising money to expand marriage ministry and help anti-trafficking.
Here’s a video I did explaining it:
And here’s where you can support me.
Think about it: I have about 3,000 people who faithfully interact with me everyday, showing up at this blog or on Facebook. Then I have another 10,000 who faithfully come by once or twice a week, either through reading a newsletter or reading this blog. (And I have so many more that stop by once in a while, but I’m really talking to the ones who are here all the time). If even half of them gave $5 a month, we could fund a lot of anti-human trafficking initiatives, and I could go overseas to help write some great, culturally relevant curriculum on healthy sexuality to teach their leaders.
And for that $5, you will get a lot! Look at all the rewards tiers right here. I want to make this a win-win for everyone! (And when I get more information about that anti-human trafficking place, I’ll share it with you in case you want to give more directly as well.)
For $480 a month (I’m 40% there!) I’ll expand what I can do to interact with readers because I’ll free up some time. For $980 a month I’ll get rid of one of my ads that drives me bonkers, so that new people to the blog get a better experience. But then for $2980 a month (I know that’s a stretch) we’ll fully fund a missions trip for 4 of us to go to Kenya and create a marriage retreat that Kenyan pastors and leaders can give, and we’ll have enough funds to bless them with more resources and work with some fledgling orphanages to rescue some girls from the sex trade. It will take about 2 years to raise the money, but that’s when we’re planning on going. And if we get more? We’ll funnel it into more missions trips and more anti-human trafficking initiatives.
Together we can do amazing things for women and girls and for healthy sexuality around the world. I hope and pray that I make a difference in your marriage. And I hope and pray that if we all join together, we can do amazing things for God elsewhere, too!
Just click here to see what it’s all about.
Thank you so much! It’s actually been a fun week figuring out all these new things (Patreon, Periscipe, etc.,), and finalizing the design for my new ebook. And next week will be fun, too, with the launch. This life is never boring, even if I am in my pyjamas until 10:00 every morning.
Have a great day!
The post The #1 Reason Women Yell at Their Kids appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.
February 24, 2016
Wifey Wednesday: Get Inside Sheila’s Brain!
And it’s my 2,217th post overall.
That’s a lot of content on this blog. Almost 50,000 comments. I can’t even imagine how many words.
I’ve been writing this blog since March of 2008. It started out as a hobby; I really feel like it’s become a calling. I have a huge long list of posts I want to write about: suggestions that you’ve all made; reader questions that I get sent; things I read about in the news that I want to comment on. I keep thinking I’ll run out of material, but I never do, because I just love thinking and talking about marriage, family, and faith!
I actually have more I want to say than I have days to post. And I know so many of you have questions you’d like to ask, or you’d like to just get behind the scenes more and see where I come up with some of this stuff.
Enter Patreon.
When I was in Nashville with Katie last week, we met with Blimey Cow, the YouTube group that has a ton of followers. And Katie filmed two videos with them (and one for her channel). And I got talking to them about how they do their channel, and they told me about Patreon.
Here’s what it is: It allows people who enjoy your stuff to support you with a small monthly donation (say $5), and then in return they get some rewards.
My brain started spinning, and I could see all kinds of possibilities for this. So I’ve created what I hope is a win-win-win. Here I am talking about it:
A Win for You
Each person who becomes a “patron” will get access to a special post every week with a list of all the articles I’ve found interesting around the web this week, quotes from books I’m reading, thoughts on my devotions, YouTube videos I’ve read, whatever–all the reasoning that’s gone into the posts this week, and what I’m planning on writing in the future.
Oh, and you’ll get family photos and an inside peek at our lives, too!
You’ll also get every ebook that I publish from now on, FREE (including my newest one that’s releasing on Monday, Raising Kids You Actually Like!).
Plus at different levels of support you’ll receive physical books, audio downloads, a chance to ask me questions, invitations to chat sessions, free webinar tuition, a free Ultimate Ebook Bundle once a year, and I may even knit you a scarf!
In fact, the first twenty people who sign up, regardless of level of support, will get entered into a draw where you could win me knitting you a scarf. Personally!
See more abut supporting me on Patreon here.
A Win for Me
Here’s what I want: I’m not looking to get rich. I’d just like some money to pay for some assistants to do some behind-the-scenes stuff at the blog to free up about 4 hours a week for me. I have two university students I’d like to hire (who really need the money!), and then I’m going to take that free time and dedicate it to figuring out Periscope (the app that lets you live broadcast). I’ve done two so far; they’re fun. I’ve always wanted to do more video, but it takes a LOT of time (I’ve seen Katie do it!). But Periscope is instantaneous! So it really appeals to me.
And I’d like more time to fix up some of the older posts here.
Plus I’d like to get rid of some of the ads, especially the one at the top of the blog. The problem is that those ads pay for my graphics and my web hosting every month. But if the money is coming in another way, I could get rid of it. And that sounds great!
A Win for Others
The major goal, though, is that both my husband and I have been praying about what we can do overseas. Not right now, but in a few years we’d like to head overseas for several months at a time, maybe every year. And we’re hoping to get started with two shorter missions trips in the spring of 2018: one to Kenya/Tanzania, and one to Hungary/Poland. We’ve been invited to both places, but we want to do it right. Several members of my team will have to come along, and we’re reaching out and making contacts now. And we want to bring lots of resources with us to bless people there. I’m hoping to train local leaders to teach about sex, and we’re hoping to help them adapt some of the marriage conferences we do for their culture. So it will more be about working with leaders to expand marriage ministry, especially in East Africa where there’s not the culture or history of a strong, monogamous Christian marriage.
So with your support, we can start a fund for that!
With about $4000 a month in support, I can do all of that. But that’s a LOT to ask for.
And if I get more than that? (I can dream, can’t I?). Then there’s an anti-child-sex-slave initiative in Calcutta that my husband and I are supporting, and we’d like to expand that.
So again, this isn’t about me getting rich. This is about doing the blog better, and then taking this message of God’s design for marriage and healthy sexuality to other parts of the earth.
I’ve never really asked you all for anything before.
Okay, I’ve asked you to buy my books (and you really should!), but I’ve never asked for anything like this.
But today I’m asking. And remember: when you do sign up, you’re going to get a LOT of rewards. Read all about them here. You can know that you’re supporting my blog and getting the inside scoop on so many things, but you can also know that the money you’re sending is going to something really worthwhile.
Keith and I are meeting with the guy who is raising money for the Calcutta home tonight; I hope to tell you more about that tomorrow. We’re going to support it regardless, but wouldn’t it be great if enough people gave $5 or $10 a month that you could also know that you’re supporting rescuing girls and boys from the sex trade?
See more abut supporting me on Patreon here.
This blog won’t change.
I’m still going to do everything the same: posts every weekday, my marriage newsletter once a month, other newsletters throughout the month. I really enjoy doing this! And I feel like I have something important to offer.
But I’ve been praying a lot lately for God to expand His reach, and to take this marriage message to more places. And I’d really like it if you’d help me. And in return, you really will get a LOT of fun rewards!
My first goal is for $480 to pay for the university students. I’m already $40 towards that goal from pledges that came in yesterday. My big goal is $3480 to do EVERYTHING–get rid of the ad, hire the students, and get enough money to send all of our team to Africa and Eastern Europe, equipped with lots of resources to leave behind.
But think about it this way: 30,000 people read my newsletters every month. 30,000 people end up on this blog everyday. 45,000 people engage with me on Facebook. If 30,000 people gave $5 a month–we could give so much money to the anti-sex-slave initiative that we’d make a HUGE dent!
Now, obviously you can give there yourself (and I hope you do! I’ll put the link in Friday’s newsletter). But if you give through me, you’ll also get all kinds of goodies. So it’s a win-win!
So 413 Wifey Wednesdays on, I’m asking. If you appreciate what I write, will you consider supporting the blog with a small donation? If not, that’s truly okay. But if you’d like to say “thank you” to me, then this is a great way to do it. And in return, I’ll say “thank you” to you with lots of ways to get inside my brain–and behind the scenes.
See more abut supporting me on Patreon here.
Thank you so much. I really appreciate this community, and all the emails you all send me. And I’m excited to see what God’s going to do next!
The post Wifey Wednesday: Get Inside Sheila’s Brain! appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.
February 23, 2016
One Way to Help Women Feel More in the Mood
Have you ever noticed that movies and TV shows make women’s sex drives look just like men’s?
Here’s what happens, pretty much every time: the couple’s together, and they start to pant. So they fall into each other’s arms and they begin to kiss. Then the clothes come off. And then they end up in bed.
They pant, they kiss, they take off their clothes, and they end up in bed.
Pant. Kiss. Clothes. Bed.
Every time.
If this is what you see, over and over, you may begin to think that’s natural.
So there you are, at home with your husband, and you’re waiting to pant.
And nothing happens.
So you figure, “I guess I’m just not in the mood”, and you return to browsing Pinterest or you go and make another cup of tea.
That’s the beginning of the article I wrote for Intentional by Grace–so fun to be guest posting there today! I invite you to click on over and read the rest of it–you may relate just a little too much. 
Read the Rest Here
I’m going to be doing a Periscope broadcast today, probably around 4 EST, to talk about this whole phenomenon of Pant. Kiss. Clothes. Bed. It’ll be a riot! Don’t miss it. Periscope is like YouTube, but it’s live, and you can interact. And then you can watch the broadcasts afterwards if you miss it. So come find me–I’m Sheila Gregoire on Periscope. And I’ll be announcing it all on Twitter, too!
I did my first Periscope broadcast yesterday (you can still watch it if you find me on Periscope), and it was fun! And I’m going to get better at it. I hope to do one everyday to tell people what’s going on inside Sheila’s head about today’s post.
Raising Kids You Actually Like Is Coming!
I’ve had so many requests from people saying, “can you put all your parenting stuff in one place?”
I don’t write very much about parenting anymore, as my kids have gotten older. And, of course, my focus has turned more to marriage because I’ve written so many books about it.
But I hired a summer student last year to pull all of my parenting posts off the blog. There were 70,000 words. The average book is 50,000 words. Man. I wrote more than an average book!
Then I cut and cut and focused just on the posts about discipline and creating relationships with toddlers, preschoolers, and elementary aged kids. (I’m doing a separate ebook on teenagers soon!). I added some material and some commentary, and put them together in a way that told a story and that had a theme. And I REALLY like it. I never realized how much I wrote about parenting!
And as I started to read I noticed a thread that I’d put in the posts. I thought I was writing a book about discipline, but over and over, in these posts, I said, “don’t discipline a child when the issue is YOURS.” I focused more on priorities and sorting out if our schedule is just too disorganized or if we’re not spending enough time building a relationship with our kids. Yes, there’s a lot about how to discipline and draw lines–and even about tone of voice. But all of that is so much less necessary if your kids know you love them, if they’re not hurried, if you have one on one time with them, and if you talk to them a lot. So the real issue is: how do you make that fun?
We’re putting the final touches on the design, and it will be all ready to go next Monday!
You Can Get the Book Free–and Lots of Other Stuff, Too!
When my daughter Katie was filming her videos with Blimey Cow in Nashville last week I got talking to the three brilliant young people behind the Blimey Cow channel. And I heard about this thing called “Patreon”, where people can pledge a really small amount a month to help out their favourite artists/writers.
And it got my brain going in a ton of different directions. I’m so psyched! I’ll be writing more about this tomorrow, but I created my own Patreon account.
I want this to be a win-win.
Here’s what will happen on the blog: Absolutely nothing. That’s right. Nothing will change. I’ll still have free content. I’ll still write everyday. I’ll still send out my newsletters.
BUT, with the support, I’ll be able to get rid of some ads here and hire some university students to help me with technical stuff so that I have more time to do the Periscope broadcasts I want to start!
And best of all, with the support, I want to fund some marriage missions trips to Kenya/Tanzania and Hungary/Poland. I’ve been invited there, and we’re actively trying to get things in place to go in 2018. But I don’t want to be a burden to anyone. I want to self-fund and bring a ton of resources to bless people with. And that costs money.
That’s the win for me and for them.
What about for you?
When you sign up, there are all kinds of extras and goodies you’ll get! Of course, you’ll get my new ebook–Raising Kids You Actually Like–free! Then every week you’ll get an email from me that will show you all the articles I’ve read and liked around the internet, quotes from books I’ve read and videos I’ve watched–with commentary about how these things have got me thinking or have influenced my posts this week.
You’ll get free ebooks, free audio downloads, chances to ask me questions personally, invitations to exclusive chat sessions, money off on having me speak at your church, and, if you give enough, I’ll even knit you a scarf.
It’s a chance for you to go behind the scenes with me, and a chance for us to interact more!
I’ve been exploring Patreon for a few days now, and I really like the potential. My page is live, though I’m filming some videos to add to it today. I want to do a major launch tomorrow. But come on over and take a look! And maybe become one of my sponsors, and it will be a win-win for everyone!
Yes! I want to support Sheila (and pick her brain. Which isn’t as gross as it sounds).
Whew. So this is a big week for me! I’m launching the ebook, and I’m starting Periscope, and I’m launching Patreon, and I’m excited to see what happens. And I’d love to get to know some of you better!
Any Periscope tips you can share with me? Or any freebies you’d like to get if you were a Patreon supporter? Let me know in the comments!
Marriage isn't supposed to be blah!
Sex is supposed to be stupendous--physically, emotionally, AND spiritually.
If it's not, get The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex--and find out what you've been missing.
The post One Way to Help Women Feel More in the Mood appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.
February 22, 2016
Reader Question: Why is Marriage Advice So Contradictory?
Why is marriage advice so contradictory? Why are we sometimes told to just be nice and sweet and sometimes told to draw a line in the sand?On Monday I like to post a reader question and take a stab at answering it. I had a post all ready to go for today, but then a long-time reader left a comment yesterday that got me thinking–I really need to address this!
She wrote:
I think it’s sad that moms feel they have to put their dreams and plans aside once they have kids. Is that really what you want to teach your daughters? And that they are less important than their husbands? A lot of posts lately have been very confusing. One says be sweet and submissive, the next says speak your mind and stand your ground. What gives?
That is such a good question, and I’m glad she voiced it, because it gives me a chance to share a few big picture ideas that maybe I haven’t been clear enough about. Today’s going to be a little deep, and a little bit of a wild ride, but I hope you enjoy it! Here goes.
Truth #1: The Aim of This Blog is NOT To Tell You How to Have a Happy Marriage
What? Seriously?
Yep.
I can help you be more content. I hope I can help you do things which make a happy marriage more likely. But a happy marriage, as wonderful as it is, should not be the aim of our lives.
Here’s the aim:
I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. (Galatians 2:20)
The aim of your life should be to have Christ living through you. It should be to be looking more and more like Christ everyday:
For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters. (Romans 8:29)
He wants us looking more and more like Jesus!
Here’s the neat thing: the more we look like Jesus, the more likely we are to have a happy marriage. So quite often the two go hand in hand!
Are you aiming for a happy marriage or to glorify God in your marriage? Not always the same.
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Isn’t it Okay to Want a Happy Marriage?
Of course we all want happy marriages! But if we have the wrong aim, we can actually make it less likely that we’ll achieve it.
I have a post, for instance, on 4 things you need to do if your husband uses porn. You can’t really miss the four steps. But almost every morning I wake up with a new comment from a woman giving a whole long story of how awful her husband’s porn addiction is, and then she’ll say, “Do you have any advice?” And I think to myself–Yes, I have 4 things you should do and I wrote them right there.
But she doesn’t want to do them because she’s afraid that he’ll react badly.
I have other women saying, “If I tell him he has to get a job, or if I insist we see a counselor because of his anger, or if I bring in a mentor couple to help us draw boundaries with his video game addiction, he’ll just leave.”
They’re afraid of doing the right thing because the marriage may suffer.
And if that’s the case, then they’ve put the marriage ahead of God.
If you’re afraid to do the right thing because your marriage may get rocky, then your goal is wrong. God wants to be glorified, and He is not glorified if we enable sin.
Do not let your marriage become an idol.
Having Jesus as Our Goal Means Our Approach to Marriage Won’t Always Be the Same
Jesus’ aim was not to make everyone around Him happy. Jesus’ aim was to make everyone around Him look more and more like Himself, and to lead people into a deeper relationship with God.
And that means that He did different things as the circumstances warranted.
The vast majority of the time He was gracious, forgiving, and kind. But sometimes He drew lines in the sand. He called the Pharisees “a brood of vipers”. He made a whip out of cords and threw the money changers out of the temple. But He also said nothing as they led Him to His death.
Why the difference?
Because His aim was always to bring about the kingdom of God. His aim was not to get people to like Him; it was to get people to see who God was, and to bring about reconciliation.
(I talk about this concept more in terms of abuse and submission in this post on why some threads of Christianity that preach that a woman should always suffer in silence are so absolutely bonkers and wrong).
Our Approaches Won’t Always Be the Same, Either
I believe that the vast majority of the time we should let things slide, we should be forgiving, we should try to communicate better, we should encourage our husbands, we should bless them and do things for them. This is the definition of loving.
But there are times when it is also loving to confront sin and set a boundary, like, “If you continue to watch porn at home, then I will have to disconnect the internet, because I can’t have evil in my house.”
How Do We Figure This All Out?
Here’s what Jesus said:
Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? 4 How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? 5 You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye. (Matthew 7:3-5).
So Jesus is saying: Yes, you confront when someone is doing something wrong. But you only do so after you get your own heart in order.
That’s so key! That’s why I spent the first 4 thoughts in my book 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage on how we can start thinking differently about our husbands, because often when we have trouble in our marriage, it is because we are misunderstanding things and we are attributing motives to our husbands that they never had. We simply can’t deal with major problems in marriage UNTIL we have dealt with our own stuff.
I fully believe that the vast majority of the time, when we focus on our own hearts, when we learn to be more giving, when we stop making an idol out of marriage, when we learn how to ask for help properly–most problems in marriage virtually disappear.
Sometimes, though, that’s not enough. Sometimes there’s a real problem that needs to be confronted. The idea that because you’re a woman you’re not allowed to confront your husband is just so totally unbiblical (and, unfortunately, all too widespread). You’re created to help him; you’re not helping him if you enable sin. And that’s why thoughts 5-7 in the book deal with how to confront sin and how to resolve conflict (and often it’s much easier to resolve then you think!).
People who say that women can’t confront their husbands believe the wrong aim about marriage; they think that the aim of marriage is to have the husband in charge no matter what. They don’t believe that the aim of marriage is to glorify God.
Loving Our Husbands Does Not Mean Being Nice. Loving Them Means Pursuing Their Best.
Loving our husbands does not mean always being nice. Loving them means pursuing their best.
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I once received a comment from an older woman explaining how God had given her the ability to forgive her husband again and again in their marriage; how God had helped her stick it out, through 41 years before he died of alcoholism. He had been angry. He had yelled and at times hit. He had squandered their money. Their children had all fled when they were quite young, and many had bad lives. But she was so happy because God had helped her be faithful and be loving.
And I thought: Is it loving to stick with an alcoholic while he hurts himself, his kids, and his marriage? Or is it better to confront that alcoholic and say, “you need to get help and this needs to stop.” Is it loving to stand by and keep forgiving him while he drinks himself to death?
Too many strands of Christianity preach that it is. I do not believe the Bible teaches that.
Too many Christians say women can't confront husbands because they're women. That's unbiblical.
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And because I think the teaching in marriage has been too slanted to tell women to “put up with it and shut up about it”, I often spend a lot of time teaching how to lovingly deal with a destructive issue in marriage. Most of my readers arrive on this blog through Google searches for really tough marriage problems, too, so I think I have readers with more difficult marriages than the average blog.
At the same time, though, I also fully believe that most problems in marriage can be solved just by more communication, more grace, and more laughter. And that’s why it’s so important to examine your own heart before you say, “He’s being evil and I need to stop him!”
It’s like what I’ve been saying for a few weeks now about Micah 6:8:
I Still Have Trouble Understanding the Difference
I get it. And that’s why this week I’m so excited to be announcing a new initiative here at To Love, Honor and Vacuum. Hopefully I’ll get my act together so I can launch it tomorrow, but the gist is that I’m going to start a “patrons” side of the blog, where for a minimal amount of monthly support you’ll get a newsletter and a podcast every week where I share the behind the scenes look at my blog posts and what I’m thinking. You’ll get access to all my new ebooks. You’ll get access to chats. And in return, I’m going to take that money to fund some marriage missions trips that I’m planning, because my heart is for missions.
So I’ll explain all that tomorrow! But I do hope that answers that reader’s question.
But What About the Part About the Girls’ Dreams?
Oh, yeah, she asked that, too–why do I encourage my girls to give up their dreams? She’s referring to last Friday’s marriage moment when I said that often our dreams don’t come true, and that’s okay.
Here’s why it’s okay: Because it’s not important what we dream when we’re young. What is important is the dreams that God puts in us now. I believe that God is forming new dreams in us, especially for our circumstances. Running after His dreams matters. Running after dreams from our youth doesn’t, because our aim, as always, is to glorify Christ.
Hope that makes sense!
Have a great week, and I’m so excited for all that’s launching this week–the membership side, and a new parenting ebook, “Raising Kids You Actually Like”. It’s going to be a great week, so stay tuned!
Let me know in the comments: Do you find this distinction confusing? Let’s talk about it!
The post Reader Question: Why is Marriage Advice So Contradictory? appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.
February 19, 2016
When You Feel Restless in Your Marriage
Every Friday I like to run a “Marriage Moment”, a 400-word inspirational piece with one thought about marriage. This week’s is on coming to terms with where you are in life.
Sheila’s Marriage Moment: When You’re Restless in Marriage (and in Life)
When I turned 39 my husband managed to surprise me. He knew he couldn’t pull off a surprise party when I hit 40; so he threw a “Forever 39” party instead.
My best friend had created a scrapbook of my life, and as I looked through it, I stopped as I hit the picture of 23-year-old me in my graduation cap and gown, after finishing my second Master’s degree. That smiling face looking up at me had so many plans–a Ph.D., a career, published papers.
Instead I was a homeschooling mom who wrote on the side. My days were filled with making dinner and laundry and chauffeuring kids to piano, while I occasionally spoke at retreats on weekends. Were my dreams dead?
Many of us feel restless because we haven’t achieved our dreams, but I think what we miss is that we are not the same people who dreamed them. I was not fresh out of graduate school with visions of Toronto skyscrapers in my head. I was a small town mom with a tent trailer.
There’s nothing wrong with dreaming, but the dreams should be about looking forward, not looking back. When I hit forty, I didn’t achieve many of the things I thought I would. But I achieved different things. True peace comes not when we tick off everything on our life’s to-do list; it comes when we get comfortable in our skin, make choices that reflect our values and who we are, and then live out those choices, in the nitty gritty, day by day.
This week I learned about another marriage I know splitting up. I thought back to the similarities between that split and several others close to me, and there’s a common theme. The moms had never made peace with this idea that it’s okay to have new dreams.
That leaves us feeling restless, like we’re not quite where we’re supposed to be. That’s so hard on a marriage. You start blaming your husband for stealing something from you.
Let’s keep the right perspective. It’s not about looking backwards. It’s not even about looking forwards! It’s about, everyday, asking, “is this where I’m supposed to be?”. Maybe your life doesn’t look like your original plans. Maybe you thought you’d be further ahead by now; married differently; or had more (or fewer!) kids. Maybe you thought you’d live somewhere else, have your own house, be financially stable.
God doesn’t measure your life by how much you lived up to your plans. He measures your life by whether you’re living for Him in the little things. When you feel restless, don’t take that to mean your marriage is somehow wrong. Maybe you just need to dream new dreams, based on the person God’s made you today. And that’s perfectly okay.
What’s #1 at To Love, Honor and Vacuum?
This week the “tops” include many topics including marriage, parenting, and spiritual guidance so there’s something for everyone! What are you dealing with right now?
#1 NEW Post on the Blog: When Your Husband Won’t Change
#5 on the Blog Overall: 50 Most Important Verses To Memorize
#3 from Facebook: 7 Steps To Raising A Teen Who Won’t Date Too Young
#1 from Pinterest: Why Do Teenagers Rebel?
The BALANCE is HARD
So this has been a weird week at the blog, because I’m always trying to find that balance when I’m making suggestions about relationships–that balance between what you would do in a healthy (or semi-healthy) relationship, and what you would do in an emotionally abusive (or abusive in some other way) relationship.
Because the problem is that people who are in abusive relationships are often desperate to help their marriages, but they don’t often realize that they’re in an abusive relationship. But in those types of relationships, regular advice is exactly the WRONG thing to follow.
I’ve been following Visionary Womanhood for quite some time, and we’re kind of online buddies. Natalie, who writes there, has gone through quite the life upheaval in the last few years. I knew some of it; yesterday she began telling her story for real, about realizing that her marriage was truly abusive. It’s important.
Then I wrote two posts about when your husband won’t change. I meant those posts not exactly for people in emotionally abusive relationships. I meant them more for people married to men who are immature and lacking empathy, but who may still have goodwill (which is absolutely usually the case).
But I didn’t mean to imply that if your husband bugs you horribly in one area of your life that you need to fight to the mattresses. It’s more a pattern of lack of empathy than it is an issue in one area. But I hope that people were helped anyway!
The truth is that everyone’s marriage is different, and if we can keep the bigger picture in mind–that we’re to love mercy, act justly (stand up for what’s right), and find the balance by walking humbly with God (Micah 6:8), then things will tend to become clearer.
I write about all of this in 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage, so if you’re struggling like that today, I’d strongly recommend getting the book! I think it can help you sort out your motivations and give you some ideas of how God wants you to respond in different situations!
Too Many Marriages Are Breaking Up
As I shared in this week’s marriage moment, I know of another marriage that I would have thought was rock solid breaking up–and in this case emotional abuse is not a factor. Just makes me so sad. When my daughter and I were talking when we were together in Nashville this week, we talked about all the marriages in our community that have failed in the last few years, and all that look in trouble, and I’m never sure what to do. Should I call and say, “Hey, if you need to talk, we’d love to talk with you guys?” Should I intervene? It seems really nosy, but at the same time, maybe if we all intervened more we could help people more. I don’t know.
What We Did in Nashville
So Katie and I were in Nashville last week filming some videos with Blimey Cow, a really big channel on Youtube that’s right in her niche! Here’s the first one she was in:
and here’s the collaboration one she did with Jordan Taylor:
Then we did a road trip to see some friends, ate in downtown Nashville (barbeque of course), and visited Biltmore Estate in Asheville, North Carolina.
And I want you all to understand the significance of what I am about to tell you.
Take a deep breath. Get ready for it.
At Biltmore Estate, they have a new exhibit. And that exhibit is THE ACTUAL WEDDING DRESSES from historical movies. So they had the actual Pride & Prejudice dress and the actual dresses from Sense & Sensibility and Emma and so many more.
We almost died.
The Pride and Prejudice wedding outfit
How amazing is that? Sigh.
Oh, and what’s up with all the Waffle Houses at every single exit in the south? It’s kinda strange. We actually went to one, just to check it out. The waffles weren’t bad, honestly. But every single exit?
Now I’m home, and it’s cold. And my skin is getting dry again. I was away for a whole month, and it’s nice to be in my own bed again. We’re still booking for Girl Talk in Alberta and in the eastern states as we drive our RV home in April, though, so email me if you’d like to be included in the tour!
Marriage isn't supposed to be blah!
Sex is supposed to be stupendous--physically, emotionally, AND spiritually.
If it's not, get The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex--and find out what you've been missing.
The post When You Feel Restless in Your Marriage appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.
February 18, 2016
When Your Husband Won’t Change Part 2: Is This the Last Straw?
How do you know when your husband has done something that’s the last straw in marriage?
Yesterday I told you the story of the Heather, who had done everything for the family, cleaning up after them, pouring out her life for them–until a car accident meant that she shouldn’t move. Her husband didn’t act like anything had changed, though, and still expected her to make dinner.
So the question was, what should Heather do?
I then pointed you to an article by Gary Thomas explaining why some men just don’t change, even when their wives beg them to address an issue. Here’s the problem in a nutshell:
Some people are motivated only by their own pain. They want to stop pain. When you have a difficult conversation with them, that causes them pain, so their aim is to get the conversation over with so the pain will end. They are not motivated by your pain at all. So the only way to bring change is to have the pain that they feel when they don’t change be more than the pain they will feel by changing. It is not about convincing them they have to change; that won’t work. It is about having them start to feel some of the pain that you are feeling.
(That’s my summary, not Gary’s by the way, but Gary’s article is definitely worth a read).
So with that said, let’s go back to Heather.
What should she do? She’s ready to leave him. She’s thinking, “If I leave him, at least I won’t have to clean up after him and endure his selfishness. I’ll be able to organize my life and try to get control of things. He never helps, and I’m basically alone anyway. What’s the point?”
I understand. And I have seen several women in Heather’s situation leave. And their husbands are always so blindsided, and often rather pitiful. Usually there’s a much better way.
Understand the Dynamic in the Family
Here’s what Heather needs to see: Bill is motivated only by his own pain. He wants to avoid it. So why isn’t Bill helping more? Because he doesn’t feel the need. He’s not in pain. This does not necessarily mean that he is a “bad” person, by the way. He could simply be immature. He may have developed coping mechanisms as a child where he tried to avoid pain. He may have had emotional trauma as a child. It doesn’t mean he’s evil; it simply means that his natural inclination is self-preservation, not empathy and helping others.
Heather, on the other hand, is too motivated by other people’s pain. She’s a people pleaser, and if Bill is unhappy, or her kids are unhappy, or if she feels as if she is making demands on them that will make their lives a little more difficult, she feels tremendous guilt.
You have a situation, then, where Heather is in a perfect situation to be completely taken advantage of by both her husband and her kids. And it is totally natural that they should do that, because Heather is allowing it.
Understand the Spiritual Dynamic in the Family
When Heather “rescues” people, by doing things for them that they should be rightfully doing for themselves, and by downplaying her own needs, she is denying them the opportunity to act in a Christlike manner. She is denying them the opportunity to grow selfless. She is denying them the opportunity to develop empathy.
When it comes to her children, she is denying them the opportunity to learn responsibility and basic life skills.
She feels as if she is being nice, but she is actually being the opposite. She is raising kids who will feel entitled, and she is enabling her husband to close off his heart to her needs.
When you constantly rescue your children, you steal from them the opportunity to grow.
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Change the Dynamic
When Heather thinks this is the last straw in marriage, and says, “shouldn’t I have the right to leave, because I’ve done everything for years in this marriage, and nothing has changed!”, I have to pause then, and say, “But you haven’t done everything.”
That stuns people like Heather, because they will start to list off all of the things they have done–the laundry, the meals, the cleaning, the chauffeuring, the enduring the lack of intimacy and lack of conversation. They have done a lot.
But they have done a lot of the wrong thing.
As I share in 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage, if you want to find happiness in your marriage, you won’t find it by being giving and nice enough. You will usually only find it by being good—by doing the things that God asks of you, and by helping your family do the things that God asks of them. Being good and being nice are two very different things. Many of us excel at nice, but then our families suffer, because we aren’t truly good.
It’s time to be good.
In marriage, being GOOD is much better than being NICE. They aren't always the same thing.
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Actions Speak Louder than Words
One of the big reasons Heather feels hurt is that she has shared with Bill for years how she feels alone and taken advantage of, yet every time they talk, nothing changes. In fact, Bill tries to cut off the conversation, as if he doesn’t really care.
Talking doesn’t help.
In fact, talking like this will often hurt Heather more, because she is expressing her hurt and giving Bill the opportunity for empathy, and he’s shoving it back in her face. She feels more alone than ever.
Yesterday, a woman left this very insightful comment:
My husband and I went through exactly what Gary Thomas describes. When my husband ignored my requests to address our lack of sex life, I took it to mean that he didn’t care about me.
That wasn’t exactly it, though. He cared about me and my pain, just not as much as he cared about his own feelings of fear and awkwardness at addressing a topic that was painful to him.
It wasn’t until I stopped talking and wringing my hands, and drew a line in the sand that he finally was willing to change. Change takes more than talk. It takes action.
Exactly! It’s not about talking more. It’s about taking action. And, in fact, action can be taken with a minimum of talking. It could simply look like this:
Heather gets the family around her and says this, “I’m physically unable to make dinner or clean the house for the foreseeable future. So here’s a schedule for cleaning and cooking. Why don’t you all split up the chores and figure it out?”
And then she sits back and does nothing.
That’s the hardest part. If the laundry doesn’t get done, she mustn’t rescue the people who were supposed to do the laundry. If the meals don’t get made, she mustn’t rescue anybody. She should simply have some snacks on hand that are healthy (like almonds and fruit and vegetables or something) that she can munch on in a crisis, but everybody else will have to fend for themselves.
She can say something like, “If we continue to order out for every meal, we will quickly go into debt. That’s unsustainable. So why don’t you all figure out a solution? If you’d like to know some easy meals to make I’d be happy to tell you, but I’m sure you can figure it out.”
The hardest part for Heather will be to not rescue anybody. She has to let her family step up to the plate. And that may mean that her family doesn’t have as much time for fun or for their own hobbies as they used to. It may mean that her kids are less happy. Her husband may seem grumpy. But that’s okay. Heather’s job on this earth is not to make anybody’s life happy and easy, and if their lives are no longer happy and easy, it is not Heather’s fault. If, on the other hand, Heather physically hurts herself by trying to do too much, then that is Heather’s fault. It is not Bill’s, and it is not the kids’. It is Heather’s. She’s the one who has to draw the boundaries.
People will treat Heather the way that Heather shows she deserves to be treated. If she sacrifices her physical and emotional health so that everybody else has an easy life, then they will ignore her needs and walk all over her.
In marriage, whatever you tolerate will continue. What are you tolerating that Jesus wouldn't?
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Many women do this for years until they finally snap in anger and say, “I can’t do this anymore!” How much better if they never set up that dynamic in the first place? How much better if women drew boundaries and simply said, “I can do this, but I can’t do anymore than that, so the rest will be up to you.”
When we hear that you can’t change anyone else, you can only change yourself, we often interpret it the wrong way.
We think it means we must be more giving, more forgiving, more selfless.
But if what you’ve been doing hasn’t been working, doing more of it won’t work either. And God does not ask us to be pushovers; God asks us to be good. And those are not the same thing.
So let me ask you: Are you Heather? Are you bending over backwards trying to make everyone else’s life smooth and easy, while feeling as if nobody cares about your feelings? Do you try to talk to your husband about issues only to have him shut you down every single time? Do you feel as if no one truly cares?
Don’t talk. Just change how you act.
And if you’re stuck, I wrote 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage in a large part for people like you. If you’re Heather, this book will help you see God’s calling on your role in your marriage in a completely different way. You’ll see how being nice actually works against God’s purposes in your marriage. And you’ll see how being good often looks very different than being nice–with tons of practical examples. So pick it up today, and learn how to change that dynamic!
The post When Your Husband Won’t Change Part 2: Is This the Last Straw? appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.
February 17, 2016
Wifey Wednesday: When Your Husband Won’t Change
You’ve begged your husband, maybe for years, to help you more around the house.
You’ve cried that you feel so alone. You’ve told him that you feel like he doesn’t really care about you–he doesn’t do nice things for you, he’s not affectionate, he’s all bottled up. You never have serious conversations. When there are issues, he refuses to talk about them, and if you bring something up, he gets mad and tells you that you’re just making trouble.
Does any of that sound familiar?
I hope not, but I know for many of you it does.
Today’s Wednesday, the day we always talk marriage.
And today I’m going to start a two-day series on what to do when you’re married to a guy who just doesn’t seem to care about you–and your husband won’t change.
I’m going to tell you a story of a woman like that.
Then I’m going to let Gary Thomas diagnose the problem, using a blog post that he wrote called “Why Men Won’t Change.”
Then we’re going to come back here tomorrow and answer the question: What does she do now?
When your husband won't change--and when he doesn't seem to care that you're unhappy.
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So let’s jump in as I tell you all about a woman I’m going to call Heather.
Here’s Heather’s story:
Heather grew up as a people pleaser. Her house was filled with tension, and she learned the best way to survive was to not be noticed. She wouldn’t talk about her feelings or her problems; she’d bottle them up. She learned how to care for the house, because that seemed to make her mom happy–and besides, when she didn’t cook, often there was nothing for dinner.
She dreamed about a life where she would be with a man who truly cherished and loved her and who would keep her safe. They would spend hours talking each night. He would be interested in what she had to say. She would finally feel like she was part of a team.
She met Bill, a man who was a pillar in their church. He came from a long line of strong Christians, and he had volunteered in different church ministries and in city-wide ministries for years. He was involved in Bible studies. He was a good guy. When they got married she could picture her happy family.
Unfortunately, Bill had grown up with a distant father. He was very close to his mother, who often babied him, because he was his mom’s emotional connection. His dad was harsh and quite unaffirming. So Bill didn’t know very much about affection or intimacy.
When they married, Heather was looking forward to a partnership. But in that first week of marriage, Bill kept asking, “what’s for dinner?” Heather hoped they’d discuss it together, but she realized Bill expected her to make dinner. So she did.
Bill never cleared the table, so Heather did.
Bill would leave his dishes around the house, so Heather would pick them up and put them in the dishwasher.
Heather felt more and more disappointed.
Bill sensed it, and began withdrawing a little more everyday. When the kids came along, their marriage had a renewed vigor because now they had something really in common. They could talk about the kids and the logistics and what they would do to plan for the kids. But they never really talked about their couplehood.
Over the years they had other issues–money issues, in-law issues, job issues. If Heather tried to bring something up, Bill would say he had it under control and would storm out of the room if she kept pressing. “He won’t talk to me,” she would say.
They both were great parents, but Heather did everything, and was starting to resent the fact that nobody helped her around the house–not even any of the four kids. She’d complain, but no one would do anything. And she spent almost every night chauffeuring kids somewhere.
One night, while on one of her chauffeur runs, her car was hit by a drunk driver. Heather’s son emerged with minor whiplash, but Heather hurt her back terribly. She spent weeks in the hospital, during which her family relied on takeout and the laundry piled up.
She was released from hospital with a surgery date six months later and strict instructions to stay off of her feet. If she lifted anything too much, or bent too much, she would endanger the chances of success of the surgery.
So Heather gets home, and the place looks like a tornado hit. She hobbles up the stairs and lies down on the couch. Her husband comes in the room, looks at her on the couch, and says, “do you want me to order pizza?”
Heather looks at him in astonishment. “Well, what do you expect me to do?”
The next night, when Bill comes home from work, he finds Heather on her feet, trying to clean up the living room. He sits down on the couch and asks, “what’s for dinner?”
Heather loses it, and for the first time in her marriage she yells at him. She can’t walk, and he can’t even make dinner?
This is it, she decides. For almost two decades she has done everything for this man. She has tried being nice. She has made the home livable. She has raised their children. She has washed laundry and cooked countless meals. And now she’s done. If, after all that, her husband can’t even make dinner, then what is the point of even being married? No one truly cares about her. At least if she were on her own she wouldn’t have to clean up his messes.
How could a man who loves God so much treat his wife so terribly? How could he not see what she needed? How could he be so heartless?
Okay, ladies, that’s the story.
I hope you can’t relate, but I know some of you can, because I have heard pretty much this exact same story from three women who are very close to me (and this story is an amalgamation of their stories).
Why would a man who is so good to everyone else take his wife for granted so badly? Why would he not see what he’s doing to her? Why won’t her husband change?
Gary Thomas has the answer, in a brilliant blog post called “Why Men Don’t Change“.
Based on his work with Dr. Melody Rhodes, a gifted counselor, Gary argues that many men suffer from “functional fixedness”, where you’re not motivated by your wife’s pain to do anything. You’re only motivated by your own pain. So a wife can complain and cry and try to explain how much she’s hurting, and the only effect will be to have him try to cut off the conversation, because the conversation makes him uncomfortable (and it’s his own discomfort that he cares about).
According to Dr. Rhode, men don’t normally change if what they’ve been doing appears to work for them. For example, when a woman allows her husband to treat her with disrespect, he has no motivation to change—and so it’s unlikely he ever will.
You really need to read the rest of the article. Now.
Did you read it? If not, go read it. Gary Thomas explains the spiritual repercussions of functional fixedness, and how we should approach it. He doesn’t lay out what a wife in this situation should do–that’s for another blog post that’s coming, he promises–but the analysis is spot on. It’s something I argue a lot in 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage–God does not want us to allow others to treat us with disrespect. It’s not good for us, but it’s also not good for them. It makes them spiritually stunted.
But I want you to hold on to that idea–that people tend to continue to do what is working for them. And then tomorrow we’re going to revisit Heather’s story, and ask the question: “Is Heather’s best move to leave the husband who is treating her so badly?”
I have a lot to say on that subject, but before I give my opinion, why don’t you all give me yours? Leave a comment and tell me what you think of Gary Thomas’ diagnosis, and what you think Heather should do!
The post Wifey Wednesday: When Your Husband Won’t Change appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.
February 16, 2016
10 Ways to Get Over Valentine’s Day Disappointment
For many of us, the day that is meant to celebrate love and romance often turns into a day of disappointment.
Today blogger and author Lindsey Bell is joining us for Top 10 Tuesday to share 10 tips for getting over Valentine’s Day disappointment. You can do it! Here’s Lindsey:
Valentine’s Day…aka “Let’s See How Bad He Fails This Year.”
So if your Valentine’s Day left you feeling disappointed, here are a few things to do to help next year go much better.
Top 10 Ways to Overcome Valentine’s Day Disappointment:
Still reeling with disappointment in your husband for a lousy Valentine's Day? Here's help!
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1. Rethink your expectations about Valentine’s Day.
I learned early on in my marriage that one of my biggest problems was holding on to expectations. In particular, unmet expectations that my husband knew nothing about. After a few years of Valentine’s Day fails, I finally realized I needed to rethink my expectations.
Was it really fair of me to expect him to plan an extravagant date and pick out a thoughtful gift…when I didn’t do the same for him?
Was it really fair of me to expect him to know exactly what I wanted for Valentine’s Day without ever telling him?
If you’re expecting your husband to know what you want, it’s time to rethink your expectations.
It might not be as romantic to have to tell him what you want, but my guess is, if you’re married to a good man who loves you, he probably wants to make you happy. He simply doesn’t know how. Instead of expecting him to read your mind, tell him some things you would like.
2. Talk it out.
For about five years of my marriage, I did things that really bothered my husband. But I never knew about them. He is a peacekeeper and avoids conflict if at all possible. He thought that by not telling me when I upset him, he was keeping the peace.
That worked…for a few years. But eventually, he realized he couldn’t keep stuffing his frustrations.
Now, when I do something that bugs him, he tells me about it, and our marriage is stronger for it.
If your spouse dropped the ball this year, talk it out with him. Things will never change if he doesn’t know he hurt you.
3. Ask yourself, is it worth it?
I love this quote by Jennifer Rothschild. “You may have the right to be angry, but is it a right worth exercising?”
Is it worth it?
Is it really worth it to be this upset? Maybe it is. I know Sheila often gets messages from men and women in really difficult situations. Some of you reading this might be in a marriage that is dealing with really hard stuff.
This particular post isn’t geared toward the hard issues. It’s geared toward those of us who are mad because our husbands went out on the morning of Valentine’s Day and grabbed the first gift he found. It’s written for those of us who are angry because our wives forgot about Valentine’s Day altogether. It’s written for those of us who are mad because we always have to plan any dates that ever occur.
Those of us in relatively good marriages, who are with people who genuinely want the best for us…when Valentine’s Day disappoints, ask yourself, is it worth it?
Are the anger, bitterness, and pain worth it?
4. Forgive.
Forgiveness is just as much for you as it is for your spouse, because the truth is, unforgiveness hurts you. Sometimes, it hurts you more than it hurts the person you’ve chosen not to forgive.
If your spouse blew it this year with Valentine’s Day, forgive him.
5. Make a mental note to tell him next year.
This year, Valentine’s Day is over…but next year can be different. Make a mental note to tell him next year exactly what would make you happy.
My husband likes to get me flowers. Though I appreciate the gesture, I would much rather him get me something that won’t die in a few days. Finally, a few months ago, I told him that.
It’s funny now that I waited so long to tell him. We’ve been married almost 12 years! (What can I say? I’m a slow learner.)
6. Ask yourself, did I make his day special?
It seems weird to me that men have so much more pressure on this holiday than women. It’s like we expect the man to bend over backwards making sure the woman knows she is appreciated and loved but the woman doesn’t have to do anything.
Valentine’s Day isn’t the day to celebrate women. It’s the day to celebrate relationships.
Valentine's Day isn't a day to celebrate women. It's a day to celebrate relationships.
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My job isn’t to sit back and be pampered and catered to on Valentine’s Day. My job is to work just as hard as my husband in making sure he feels loved and appreciated.
7. Consider a redo.
If this year didn’t go well, consider a redo. Who says you can’t celebrate Valentine’s Day on February 18th?
Talk with your spouse about what went wrong and what could make the day better, and then start over.
8. Change the way you view the holiday.
Valentine’s Day has become something much different than I believe it’s supposed to be.
Instead of being about commitment, love, and reciprocal appreciation, it’s become a day of unmet expectations, competition, and frustrations. It’s also become a day when much more is expected of men than of women.
Make Valentine’s Day a day for each of you to show your commitment to each other. Better yet, make it a day for you to take the love you have for each other and overflow that love into the lives of others.
9. Do something for him.
If you didn’t put much time or effort into making his Valentine’s Day special, it’s not too late. Sometime this week, do something for him to show him how much you appreciate and love him.
10. Do something for you.
One final way to overcome Valentine’s Day disappointment is to do something for yourself.
The truth is, no person is ever going to “complete you” and fulfill every longing. Honestly, that’s not even your spouse’s job. That’s God’s job. Do something this week to nurture THAT relationship.
Do something this week to make yourself happy, rather than expecting your spouse to fill that need in your life.
What other tips would you add to this list?
Lindsey Bell is the author of the parenting devotional, Searching for Sanity, and of the upcoming Bible study and devotional, Unbeaten (releasing April 2016, available for pre-order now). She’s a stay-at-home mother of two silly boys, a minister’s wife, an avid reader, and a lover of all things chocolate. Lindsey writes weekly at www.lindseymbell.com about faith, family, and learning to love the life she’s been given.
The post 10 Ways to Get Over Valentine’s Day Disappointment appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.
