Sheila Wray Gregoire's Blog, page 168

One Marriage Habit to Start this New Year

Does your marriage need a fresh start this new year?

Sometimes we get in these ruts where it seems like we’re always ticking each other off.

Think about it this way: How easy is it to turn an okay day into a horrible day? Pretty easy, right? Things are humming along and all of a sudden your husband says something that sounds insulting. You get your back up and respond in kind. He accuses you of not understanding him. And it escalates.

Today I want to share with you an idea that can stop that escalation.

So before I give you my idea, let’s go back to first principles.

What is it that we want in marriage?

We want to be heard, understood, and loved anyway.

Certainly there are other things–we want someone to laugh with, someone to spend time with, someone to make love with. But ultimately it comes down to feeling like he knows me and understands me. Making love with someone you think doesn’t really know you feels empty because it feels like it’s not real. Spending time with someone who doesn’t really “get” you feels shallow because you feel like you’re holding back.

But when you know he understands you and knows you, then it frees you up to talk about anything without fearing that you’ll be judged.

That’s why when we feel as if he doesn’t “get” us it hurts the most

If we feel misunderstood, or that he doesn’t care what we think about something, then that can throw us into a tizzy.

Here, for instance, is a letter that a reader sent in:

Yesterday my husband was using our daughter’s new Nerf gun to shoot me with darts in the breasts and butt. I told him it hurts, I asked him to stop, I told him to quit. But whenever he hurts me, he doesn’t believe me! I lost my temper when he wouldn’t quit and whacked his arm as hard as I could. That was so VERY, VERY wrong of me! No excuse for my reaction. But I still feel somewhat violated, too. Shooting me in the breasts (especially while PMSing) is painful and embarrassing.

I can totally understand how upset she was. She wanted to be left alone, and he wasn’t listening. In fact, he was continuing to hurt her. So she lost her temper and went off the deep end, and everything escalated.

So what is the problem that she is facing right now?

It’s obvious, right? She has to get him to stop hurting her and to stop firing Nerf guns at her when she says no.

Well, actually, that’s not the problem, and here’s why: If she gets him to stop firing Nerf guns at her, he’ll likely still do something else that drives her nuts and that feels very embarrassing and dehumanizing to her again, because people make mistakes. And he obviously doesn’t understand the effect that he has on her.

So her problem is not the Nerf guns. Her problem is this:

When my husband does something that hurts me or offends me (which will inevitably happen), how do I get myself to calm down and how do I get him to see what he’s doing to me?

The problem isn’t really Nerf guns. The problem is communication. She needs him to understand what she’s thinking, and she also needs to understand what he’s thinking.

So here’s our new marriage habit:

Start a marriage check-in, where you set aside time to talk

Start a Marriage Check In to help you both feel more understood! Here's how:
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Set up a daily or weekly time when you sit together for at least 10 minutes, talk about your day, talk about your feelings, and “check in” with one another to see how things are going. You ask for feedback about what could be done differently, and you talk about any big decisions that need to be made or any big tasks that need to be divided up.

Try to do it in the same place every time, so that it’s obvious this is our “check-in”. Maybe you sit in the same place, maybe it’s always at the same time, maybe you always have mint hot chocolate. Maybe, if it’s less stressful, you even go out for a walk and check-in! Often men especially prefer to talk when they’re moving, and find sitting side by side a little uncomfortable while talking.

It doesn’t matter what you do as long as you do it consistently each time.

What Do We Talk About During a Marriage Check-In?

A Check-In has three main topics to cover:

What’s going on in your life?
Is there anything we need to decide/plan?
What can we each do better in our marriage?

First you share your “highs” and “lows”–what’s made you really happy lately and what’s made you really sad, or what you’re the most proud of and what you’re the most disappointed about.

Then you share any business items–how are we going to decide on when to renovate the kitchen, or should we sign Johnny up for karate again this semester?

And now you ask the question: “What can I do better in our marriage to make  you feel loved?” Each of you asks it, out loud. NOT “what did I do wrong?”, but “what can I do better?” Let’s be positive!

I’d also highly recommend praying with your husband during these times, too. If you’re uncomfortable with that, here are 10 ways to make prayer feel more natural in your marriage.

Feel like you don't know what's going on in your husband's heart? Start a 'Marriage Check-In'!
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My daughters have both lived in houses with three roommates, and every Sunday night they sit together with a cup of tea and chat and have fun, but then they also bring up house business–who has to pay what bill, whether the chore list is working, or other issues that need to be raised, like someone keeping their music on too late at night. It reduces friction because everybody knows on Sunday we can talk about this and get it sorted out. And it’s not all negative, either, because that’s also when they plan together and drink tea together.

I think that’s a great idea, and I don’t know why more couples don’t do it, too!

Let’s return to our scenario and see how the wife can handle this situation using a marriage check-in:

1. Remove yourself from the uncomfortable situation

If she’s asked her husband to stop, and he refuses to stop with the Nerf guns, then she can say, “You’re not listening to me, and I want to talk about this at our check-in”, and then just walk into another room.

Often to try to discuss something that’s very emotional volatile at the time will backfire. It sure did for this wife! It’s usually better to leave it for a little bit until you’ve calmed down. Defuse the situation by leaving.

2. Use the check-in to explain you feelings

After you share your highs and lows and talk about business, then you can bring up your feelings about the Nerf guns.

Say something like,

“I think you don’t understand how rough you can be with me sometimes and how much I don’t like to be hurt. The other day with the Nerf gun is a perfect example. It makes me feel like you take joy in hurting me. Can we create a “safe” word so that you know when I’m serious and I really want you to stop?”

It could be that he grew up roughhousing with his brothers, and so he doesn’t understand that sometimes he goes too far. My husband is often surprised at how little things can hurt me that would never hurt him, simply because he’s so much bigger.

But you don’t need him to understand that hitting you on the breasts really hurts. He may never get that. All he needs to understand is that when you say a certain word, you really want him to stop.

Most guys will totally go along with this, and if he won’t, then you really need to seek some outside help.

3. Ask what you can do differently, too

I really doubt that this husband was deliberately trying to hurt his wife. In the heat of the moment it may seem that way, but if you stand back and ask yourself, “Is my husband the type of person who would actually want to cause me physical or emotional harm?”, usually we’d say, “of course not!” (And if you can’t say ‘of course not’ to that problem, then read this post on Emotionally Destructive Marriages.)

So why was he shooting her with the Nerf gun? I don’t know, but it’s worth asking something like this:

You seemed to be having a lot of fun with that Nerf gun, even though it’s obviously not my thing. What do you like about it? How can we have more fun like that which we both enjoy in our marriage?

And this is so key to ask, because if a guy is doing that with a Nerf gun, there’s got to be a reason beyond “I want to bug my wife.” And likely the reason is something like, “I want to have some fun!” So affirm that need in him, and then brainstorm ways that you can have that kind of fun together. Maybe a pillow fight (with a safe word when it gets out of hand)? A wrestling contest where he’s only allowed to use three fingers and you can use everything possible? Sexy hide and seek after the kids go to bed?

There was nothing wrong with his initial instinct or desire, only with the way he carried it out. So just as he needs to affirm your boundaries, you can affirm his desires, too!

4. End with affirming prayers

And then, again, I’d really recommend praying, even just a few sentences, about how much you love each other and how to be more loving towards each other.

It really is that simple: create a time when you check-in and talk about your marriage on a regular basis. That way you deal with things as they come up, rather than letting them fester into something bigger. You learn more about how each other ticks. You feel heard and understood.

Most couples don’t set aside time to communicate, and that is a big mistake. When you know there’s going to be a specific time when you can bring things up, then it’s easier to let them go in the moment, and things often don’t escalate.

So start this year right and implement this one new habit. It will make a huge difference!

Let me know: Do you and your husband regularly talk about things? How do you make it a regular habit? Let’s talk in the comments!

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How to Memorize–and Remember!–Bible Verses

Today I want to share with you how to memorize Bible verses using a system I’ve created with the Evernote app–and it really works!

It’s January 1, the day when we all start our new year’s resolutions. This year, why not decide to memorize Bible verses and figure out how to REMEMBER them afterwards, too!

The problem with memorizing Scripture is that we may learn a verse, but if we have no reminder to review it, we’ll quickly forget it.

I know I usually write about marriage, but one of the top posts on this blog is the 50 most important Bible verses to memorize. And after reading Paperless Home Organization and Do More Better about how to use Evernote to help you be more efficient, I thought of a way to use it to memorize Scripture. I started a month and a half ago and I’ve memorized more new Bible verses in that time than I have in the three years preceding it–because I’ve figured out how to review.

A Bible Verse Memory System that works! Use Evernote to learn more than 50 verses this year:
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To Use this Scripture Memory System, You’ll Need to Get Evernote

Evernote is an app for your desktop, tablet or phone that allows you to store absolutely anything–voice memos, pictures, text, web clippings, emails, .pdfs–seriously, anything. And the benefit is that it has this amazing search feature so that you can always find things.

I scan all my receipts into Evernote, save recipes in Evernote, save notes for meetings in Evernote, and more. And the basic plan, which is what most people need, is free.

What we’re going to do is create a new “note” for each Bible verse you want to memorize, and then set up a system using Evernote’s tags that lets you make sure you review each verse consistently over time.

I’ll explain how in a minute–for now, just download Evernote on your desktop AND phone (if you only have a phone or tablet, that’s fine, too.)

How to Memorize Bible Verses

The key to memorizing Bible verses is to make sure that you know the verse down pat, and then to make sure that you have a way to review the verses.

Here’s how we’re going to do that:

First, you must say the verse 3 days in a row perfectly.
Once you do this, you then review the verse in a week.
If you say it correctly, you review the verse in a month.
If you say it correctly, you review the verse in a year–and you keep reviewing it on that date every year from here on out.

We’re going to do that with tags, which will look like this (I’m going to explain the Bible verse memory system here, but I’ll show you how you actually do this on a daily basis in a minute!):

Want to memorize more Scripture? Here's an easy Bible verse memory system using your phone:
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Daily Tags

MVDay1, MVDay2, MVDay3

(for Memory Verse Day 1, Memory Verse Day 2, and Memory Verse Day 3).

The verse can have the MVDay1 tag for umpteen days in a row, but you can’t move it to MVDay2 until you say the verse correctly without looking.

So your verse may be tagged MVDay1 everyday for a week, and then you finally get it right, so it moves to MVDay2, and then to MVDay3.

Weekly Tags

MVMonday, MVTuesday, MVWednesday, MVThursday, MVFriday, MVSaturday, MVSunday

Once you’ve said a verse tagged MVDay3 correctly, it’s time to move to the weekly tags.

If it’s a Tuesday when you say an MVDay3 verse right, you now tag it with MVTuesday.

Monthly Tags

MV1, MV2, MV3, MV4, MV5, MV6, etc.

Let’s say you recite a verse that’s tagged MVTuesday correctly on January 19. Now you’re going to tag it MV19.

Then, the next time the 19th day of the month comes along (in this case, February 19), you’ll review it again.

What if it’s January 31 and there isn’t a February 31? Tag it whatever number you want! Use MV28, or you can leave it at 31 and it will come up again in March.

Yearly Tags

MVJan1, MVJan2, MVJan3….MVDec28, MVDec29, MVDec30, MVDec31.

It’s February 19, and you’re checking to see if you have any monthly verses to say today. Lo and behold, you do! You say the verse correctly. So now you’re going to tag it MVFeb19 so that in a year you’re reminded again.

How to Use this Bible Verse Memory System

Now let’s look at how to put this into practice!

Bible Verse Memory System Step 1: Create the Memory Verse Notebook

Evernote organizes everything into different “notebooks”. Within each notebook you can have any number of notes. All of our verses are going to be stored in a Notebook called “Memory Verses”.

You can create a Notebook either on the desktop or on your phone. Here’s how:

On your Phone, go to the Evernote Home Screen and click on Notebooks

Then click on New Notebook.

Now type in “Memory Verses”. That’s it!

On the desktop, just click on New Notebook, choose Local Notebook, and type in “Memory Verses”.

Now you’re all set up. We’re going to use that notebook in a minute.

Bible Verse Memory System Step 2: Enter Verses

Now you need to enter actual verses to memorize. My 50 Most Important Bible Verses to Memorize post is a great place to start;  you can just copy and paste those verses, each in its own “note”. Here’s how:

First, find the verse in my 50 Best Bible Verses post that you want to memorize, and highlight it and click “Copy”.

Then go to Evernote. Hit “File”, then “New Note”.

Now type in the verse address (in this case, John 3:16-17) in the Title field, and then hit “Paste” for the verse in the body.

On the phone it’s trickier to copy and paste, but I’ve found an easier way to enter a Bible verse.

I just take a picture of the verse, crop it so the picture shows only that verse, and then share the picture with Evernote. It’s a lot faster than typing it in. Here’s how:

First, take a picture of the verse in your Bible, and then hit “Edit”.

Now hit “Crop”.

Now crop the picture so that only the verse is showing by dragging those little corner things.

Now hit “Done”, and then hit the Share button.

Now scroll through your share options until you find Evernote.

Click on Evernote, and then type in the name of the verse (John 3:16-17), and then choose the correct notebook (Memory Verses).

It looks complicated, but it takes less than thirty seconds when you’re fast at it. Trust me!

This way you can save a verse when you’re doing your devotions and you come across something that speaks to you.

Bible Verse Memory System Step 2: Tag Your Verses

Each new verse that you enter will need to be tagged with the first tag–MVDay1.

So go into Evernote and find the verse (or “note”) that you’ve just created. If you’re in the desktop version, you’re already there. Just click on the “create tags” at the top of the screen and start typing in your tag. If you’ve already used the tag, it will start to autofill.

On the phone, you’ll have to find the note by clicking on “notes”. It will also likely just be on your home screen if you just made it.

Once there, click on the little icon to update info.

Then just type in the tag.

Tip 1: Try not to have more than 3 verses on the go with the “MVDay1” tag at any one time. It’s just too hard to memorize so many from scratch at once! 

If you find a bunch of verses that you want to memorize, enter them into your Memory Verse notebook, but just don’t tag them yet. Only tag them when you run out of MVDay1 verses and then add them to the rotation.

Tip 2: If you have a verse that you already know really well, enter it anyway, but give it a yearly tag, like “MVJan1”.

If you enter all the verses you know this way, you’ll have a method of telling how many verses you know, AND a method of making sure you still review them on a regular basis.

Bible Verse Memory System Step 3: Review Your Verses

Set up a time during the day to review that day’s verses. It can be during your devotions, or, if you have Evernote on your phone, it can be while you’re standing in line at the bank, waiting at a doctor’s office, or waiting at the carpool line.

Here’s the key, though:

Start with the oldest verses first.

Start with any verses that are marked yearly, then do the monthly ones, then the weekly ones, and only then review the daily ones.

Why? Because let’s say you’re doing MVDay1, and you say the verse correctly. You change the tag to MVDay2. Now, when you look at your MVDay2 verses, the verse you just completed is there. So it’s just easiest to start backwards, and you won’t run into this problem.

Each day, then, you will look for the yearly tag (you won’t have any for a whole year, though!) with today’s date, like this:

MVJan19

Then you will look for the monthly verses, with the tag of the day of the month:

MV19

Then you will look for the weekly verses, tagged with the day of the week:

MVTuesday

Then you will look for your daily verses, in this order:

MVDay3
MVDay2
MVDay1

Note: when you’re just starting out, you won’t have anything but MVDay1. That’s okay! As you add more, you’ll be checking on more tags.

So turn on Evernote, then hit “tags”.

Choose the tag you want to review.

Then look at your verses and review them!

Note: I find this MUCH easier to do on the phone, when I’ve entered the verse with pictures. I can just look at the left column and see the verse address and try to say the verse, and then I can click on the pic to see if I did it right. The problem with doing this on the desktop is that there’s no real way to cover up the verse, so you see the whole thing on the screen.

If you type the whole verse out, of course, it will show up on the phone like the second version of John 3:16 did above. But if you take pics–you really can’t see the whole thing so it lets you review it easier.

Bible Verse Memory System Step 4: Enter New Tags

If you say the verse correctly: Move it UP a tag. MVDay1 becomes MVDay2; or MVDay3 becomes MVTuesday; or MVTuesday becomes MV19; or MV19 becomes MVJan19, and so on.

If you say the verse wrong: move it DOWN a tag. So MV19 becomes MVTuesday; MVTuesday becomes MVDay3, and so on.

Once you’ve attempted a verse and either succeeded (or not), repeat the process above for adding a tag. Click on that little icon for info, and then change the tag.

And that’s how to memorize Bible verses! You’re done! If you keep at this for years, you’ll have verses that you’re reviewing on a consistent basis.

Let’s say you decide to learn one Scripture verse a week in the coming year. That’s roughly 50 verses a year. But if you keep that up for 20 years, that’s 1000 verses. And if you use this system, that’s only reviewing 3 verses a day at the end of that 20 years–that’s totally doable. And you’ll know 1000 verses!

Think about how much Scripture you can have on your heart!

This whole thing takes me maybe 5-7 minutes a day. It’s not a big deal at all. But I’ve managed to learn a lot of verses, and I’m reviewing them consistently which is key.

One more cool thing about Evernote: Evernote’s search function is so good that it can search for words in photos! Here, for instance, is a picture of a verse card that I took with really bad handwriting. But if I search for the word “fear” in Evernote, it still shows the verse.

So even if you’re taking pictures of verses, if you ever forget something and want to find it, Evernote can do it for you!

I hope this helps you!

Let me know in the comments if you’ve found this helpful. I hope it’s not too technical. Personally, I just love Evernote and I find it so super easy to use. If you play around with it, I think you’ll start seeing the possibilities, too!

Evernote is a great tool to help you organize anything in your life. Two books that really helped me figure out how to use Evernote to help me Do More Better are Paperless Home Organization and–perhaps not surprisingly–Do More Better. It’s not about using more time; it’s just about using the right tools for the right goals. I love it!

 

 

 

 

 

The post How to Memorize–and Remember!–Bible Verses appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

My Top 10 Posts of 2015!

It’s the last day of 2015!

And what a year it’s been for me. One daughter married. The youngest one moved out. And my husband and I hitting the road halftime to bring my Girl Talk to communities all around North America!

A lot of changes.

Today I thought I’d look back at what have been the biggest posts of the year. I’m going to do that in three parts: The biggest posts on the blog; the biggest posts on the blog that were actually written in 2015; and the ones that I think should have gone bigger than they did (because they were great, and I want to give them another look!).

Please scroll down to the bottom and see the ones I really liked–and then do me a big favour and share them.

So here we go!

Top 10 Posts on the Blog in 2015

1. Stocking Stuffers for Your Husband

It was HUGE this month. It’s been huge for 4 years actually. Each year I update it with more awesome items, so be sure to bookmark this post or pin it to take a look at next year! I’ll have a whole bunch of new ideas in it then, too.

2. Top 10 Ways to Initiate Sex

Feel awkward initiating sex? Not quite sure how to go about doing it? 10 tips to help you relax, have fun, and show your husband that you actually WANT him!

3. 50 Most Important Bible Verses to Memorize

One of the most important things you will ever do in your life is memorize Scripture. Put the Word in your heart, and then God can bring it to your mind when you need it. Here are 50 verses to get you started. Try it now, at the beginning of the year. One verse a week. You can do it!

4. Top 10 Effects of Porn on Your Marriage and Your Sex Life

Likely the most important post I’ve ever written: what porn does to your brain and your marriage. I’m so passionate about fighting against porn, and I’m thrilled that this post attracts so many new readers, and helps spread the message that porn is not harmless.

5. Why I Didn’t Rebel: A 19-Year-Old Explains (my daughter!)

My daughter wrote this post for me on a whim, and it went huge. She’s just finished a book proposal on the same subject that my agent is currently shopping around. I’m so excited for her! It’s a great post, that shows that what matters in parenting is primarily relationship. Check it out!

6. Two-Player Board Games to Play with Your Husband

Get away from the screens this year and have more one-on-one time! A list of 20 2-player board games that you can play with your husband so that you get more time together laughing rather than just watching Netflix.

7. Why Doesn’t My Husband Want to Make Love?

It’s one of the most common reasons women end up at the blog: their husbands doesn’t want sex. Here are 4 reasons why your husband may have no libido, in this first of a 4-part series in how to deal with it in your marriage.

8. 16 Ways to Flirt with Your Husband

It’s time to get your flirt on! Just because you’re married doesn’t mean you should stop flirting–with your husband! So have some fun with him this year and bring some playfulness back into your marriage.

9. Preparing for Sex Throughout the Day

Sex begins during the day, because for women, sex is primarily in our brains. If our brains aren’t engaged, our bodies won’t follow. But for our brains to get engaged, we have to get rid of distractions. Calm ourselves down. Look forward to it! Here’s how.

10. 4 Things You Must Do if Your Husband Uses Porn

If your husband uses porn, you simply must address it. It’s a cancer in your marriage. And if he says, “I’m sorry, I’ll never do it again”, but he won’t confess to anyone else and he won’t let you see his phone–red flag. Here are 4 steps to take to deal with porn in your marriage.

Help me out! Pick your favourite post of these 10 and share it on social media!

Top 5 Posts Written in 2015

1. Top 10 Ways to Relax During Sex

Find it hard to let down your guard during sex? If you can’t relax, you can’t enjoy it, and you can’t have fun. Here are 10 tips to help you relax, stop analyzing everything, and just enjoy the moment!

2. Why the Duggar Abuse Scandal Matters

Likely one of my most controversial posts of the year, I argue that authenticity matters in our Christian witness far more than what we look like on the outside. And I argue that real healing from sexual abuse can’t be rushed. Many didn’t like this, but I thought it was important to raise these issues and to stand with the abused.

3. Top 10 Wedding Night Tips

Relax. Don’t worry about it. Bring some lube. And watch out for beds that are too soft! It’s my top 10 wedding night tips. Be sure to share this with any young women you know who are about to get married!

4. I’m Not Attracted to My Boyfriend–Does that Matter?

A reader wrote in with this question: I’m dating someone who is a great man, but I’m just not attracted to him at all. Does that matter? I try to tackle that question–and the comments were really interesting, too!

5. Top 10 Ways to Be More Adventurous in Bed

Does sex seem boring? Are you always doing the same thing, and you want to spice things up, but you’re nervous about how to do it? Here are 10 tips for being more adventurous!

Help me out! Pick your favourite post of these 5 and share it on social media!

5 Posts That I Thought Should Have Been Bigger

Now here are 5 posts where I either really fleshed out some of what I believe about marriage and sex, or I just said something that I think people really need to hear! So if you could help me and share these posts, these in particular I really want to get out there in circulation more!

Top 10 Ways our Hormones Affect our Libido

When I figured this out it was REVOLUTIONARY. Know your green zone and your red zone. Be more adventurous in your green zone. Look for quickies in your red zone! And if you don’t orgasm in your red zone–don’t get down on yourself–or on your husband. It’s just hormones! And that’s okay.

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Why I’m Anti-Divorce but Pro-Remarriage

I believe in marriage. I believe the vow matters. But I also believe that the Bible allows for divorce. And when it allows for divorce, it also allows for remarriage.

I have a lot of commenters who, whenever another commenter mentions that they were once divorced, will leave a long, judgmental comment about how “God hates divorce.” I think what I’ve written here is a far more balanced and grace-filled way of looking at divorce.

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How Thoughts Can Change a Marriage

The biggest tool we have for turning our marriages around is to change the way we think. When I got married and we had problems, I assumed that there was nothing I could do about them. Here I share what I learned–and how God is asking us to think HIS thoughts in marriage–not necessarily to be nicer, but instead to stand up for goodness and truth.

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I Am Not Just a Christian Wife. I am a Christian.

God made women to be fully human, in and of ourselves. We don’t lose that identity once we’re married. A 10-point plea to the Christian community to give women their worth–because we can’t have strong marriages if we treat women as if their identities are only based in their husbands. Join me!

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Grief: You Don’t Just Get Over It

When my son died someone shared a really important chart with me about how grief works. It made the world of difference. Grief isn’t something that diminishes with time. The intensity stays the same–but the time between grieving periods grows longer. When you “get” this, you see that you don’t heal from grief; you incorporate it, and you’re okay. But to expect people to “get over” grief is wrong.

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I hope to bring you lots more great posts in 2016!

Happy New Year, everybody!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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The Most Amazing Christmas Gift

Did you enjoy your Christmas?

I hope you had a lovely and relaxing time with family!

We certainly did. My oldest daughter, Rebecca, was home with her husband (that still sounds so weird to say!) Connor for five days, and Katie is still home with us. Connor had to go back to work, so they couldn’t stay as long, and I want to support the fact that my son-in-law is working.

We sat around playing a bunch of board games–the newest is Exploding Kittens which someone recommended to me after reading my post on two-player board games. So I added it to my list on that post. It is pretty funny, though it works a lot better with 4 or 5 than with 2.

Of course on Christmas Eve we went to our candlelight service, and then returned home to listen to my husband read The Best Christmas Pageant Ever, with a bunch of friends and my mom and aunt.

And the girls decided that instead of buying silly presents for their cousins for Christmas (since nobody has any money in that age group) they’d start a Christmas tradition of getting together for a whole day and playing board games, which they did (though one cousin had to work).

And of course there were presents–though not as many as in previous years. We’re trying to do more “event” and “create a memory” type presents now.

(Rebecca is sure to kill me for publishing that photo. Here’s the one she put on Instagram of the same thing–much more flattering to her):

Yes. That is a dairy milk chocolate bar as long as my arm. #sohappy

A photo posted by Rebecca Lindenbach (@rebeccalindenbach) on Dec 28, 2015 at 1:39pm PST

But the absolute best thing that I’m excited to show you is the girls’ Christmas present to me.

It’s a work in progress; it isn’t finished yet. But they’re starting to recreate some family photos. I just love this idea!

Here’s installment #1:

And here’s installment #2:

Katie’s face is the big thing in installment #2. But here’s bonus points for installment #1: The girls took that one at the Parliament buildings in Ottawa just a few weeks ago. It was below freezing; what you can’t see outside the frame is Rebecca’s coat and hat and scarf and boots. Apparently they told the security guards what they were doing and then the guards asked to see the before and after shots. They were pretty impressed!

Anyway, this is my favourite Christmas memory this year–that and probably reading the Best Christmas Pageant Ever out loud. I’m all about family memories!

Oh, and on a personal note, I’ve had time to knit! Yay! I’ll have to show you some pics of a dress I just finished, but here’s me working on a scarf.

So life is good. I’m still taking the rest of this week to catch up on some serious relaxing, including finishing off another sweater that’s been sitting in a cupboard for over a year, waiting for me to knit the neckline. And I need to make some turkey stock today. So just some regular old-fashioned living that I’m having time to do!

Tomorrow I have a big post scheduled–the top posts of 2015, which I’m excited about. Come on back and make sure you didn’t miss anything great!

And I hope you have a fun time relaxing, too.

Let me know: what did you do for Christmas? And have you ever received a gift that cost virtually nothing but you still really appreciated?

The post The Most Amazing Christmas Gift appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

Top 10 “Top 10” Posts of 2015

I’m still luxuriating in my Christmas break, but for these last few days of 2015 I thought I’d take a look at some of the top posts on the blog this year.

I know most of you can’t stop in everyday, so this way you can be sure you haven’t missed any important ones!

My most popular posts tend to be Tuesday’s Top 10 Feature, so for this last Tuesday of 2015, let’s look at the Top 10  “Top 10” posts!

And of course–if you don’t want to miss any posts, just sign up for my monthly marriage newsletter, where I always highlight the best marriage posts of the month! When you do, you’ll get my free download, 36 Ways to Bring Sexy Back to Your Marriage.

Top 10 Ways to Relax During Sex

If you get uptight, can’t relax, and thus can’t really feel pleasure–here are ways to get over that! It’s funny that the biggest post wasn’t even written by me. Thanks Julie from Intimacy in Marriage!

Top 10 Wedding Night Tips

Here’s what I wanted to share with my daughter before she got married–and what I wish somebody had told me (instead of giving me a book that made me a nervous wreck!) Some practical tips for your wedding night (whether you’re a virgin or not.)

Top 10 Ways to Be More Adventurous in Bed

I really like this post! So fun. It’s all about how to relax and try something new without being embarrassed and without second guessing yourself (and not, of course, about doing something that’s wrong). Try it. You can do it!

Top 10 Things I’d Say About Sex if I Had No Filter

Julie from Intimacy in Marriage and J from Hot, Holy and Humorous wrote posts on this theme, and I decided I’d join in, too! so here’s me, without a filter. Lots about cheesecake and pizza, too.

Top 10 Ways to Get Turned on By Your Husband Again

J from Hot, Holy and Humorous helped me out by answering this reader question: What do you do if you just don’t find your husband attractive anymore? Some tips to help you get the hots for him all over again!

Top 10 Truths About Emotionally Destructive Marriages

One of the most important posts I wrote last year–10 truths about difficult marriages. Here’s the essential problem: A lot of the marriage advice that we tend to hear, like respecting him, figuring out his love language, submitting more, really only applies to healthy marriages.

If you’re in an emotionally destructive marriage, doing those things makes the marriage worse. Some warnings for women, and a route to real healing.

Top 10 Sex and Marriage Red Flags

Lots of us have issues in the bedroom. That’s not a big deal. Or is it?

Sometimes I get reader questions that I look at and think, “Oh, wow. That’s a sign of something really bad.” But we may not always realize it, because we don’t tend to talk about our sex lives in detail with other people.

So here are 10 red flags you just can’t ignore–10 things that you really must confront if they’re in your marriage.

20 Even-You-Can-Do-It Ideas to Initiate Sex Tonight!

Kathi Lipp and Erin McPherson wrote a great book called Hot Mamas. And in this awesome guest post Erin shares 20 quick ideas to help YOU initiate sex with your hubby tonight–because men want to wanted, not just placated.

Top 10 Ways to Stop Being Too Tired for Sex

Does sex always end up on the back burner because you’re just so absolutely exhausted?

Being too tired is one of the main reasons couples don’t make love. Here are 10 ways to stop that dangerous trend.

Top 10 Questions About Sex Christian Women Are Asking

Ever have a question about sex and wonder if you’re the only one who would ask it? I bet you’re not alone! A collection of 10 questions from the Q&A session at one of my Girl Talks. Find your answers here!

So there you go–my Top 10 “Top 10” posts! I hope you enjoyed them!

And, as always, if you have any great ideas for list posts, let me know in the comments. I’m looking to fill up 2016 with lots of great ideas to spice up your sex life and improve your marriage, too.

Happy New Year!

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10 Books that Changed My Life in 2015

One thing that I love to do at Christmas is READ.

I have days off when nothing is expected of me, and I can curl up with a good book and think without being as distracted as normal.

And so I thought that perhaps some of my readers, like me, find Christmas one of their prime reading times.

Today, then, I decided to share with you 10 Christian books I have read this  year that have had a profound effect on me. Some are practical, some challenge me spiritually, and some are like a warm blanket that bring such peace.

So here goes–10  Christian books that changed my life this year.
1. As Soon as I Fell by Kay Bruner

Oh, my goodness.

This is absolutely the best book I have read in ages.

What happens if you grow up thinking, “My life is about JOY–Jesus first, Others second, and Yourself last”? Then you combine that with the theory that “There’s no place safer to be than in the center of God’s will”, along with the idea that if we are true disciples we will work HARD for Jesus?

You think the more miserable you are the more godly you are.

You end up a missionary on a translation project in your twenties in Indonesia, making food for your family out of tree bark; watching your daughter have seizures without any medical help; contemplating tying off your own cervical polyp yourself, since no medical clinic here is safe enough (and you have to bring your own flashlight for them to take a look at you); and lying on dirty mats on the floor of a rickety boat for over 24 hours, with a 4 week old baby on your breast.

And no matter how depressed you get, and how tired you get, you keep going, because that’s what a good Christian girl does.

Even when your gifts aren’t being used and you’re totally out of your element.

Even when you never see your husband because he works so hard, and you have no one else to talk to because you can’t speak the language.

Even when you find out that your husband is addicted to porn, and you finally give up one day. You break. You can’t keep going.

And in that brokenness, you finally learn who God really is.

It is such a wonderful memoir. I couldn’t put it down.

It’s a story of a couple coming out of legalism and into the joy of the Lord–and finding they can still serve Him, just in different ways.

It’s a story of a woman learning that God does not only care about our results, but also deeply cares about our feelings.

And it’s a beautiful story of how messed up our Christian lives become when we miss the message of grace.

I’ve seen so many elements of her story in the blog comments here, and I’m going to spend a few posts running some excerpts of this amazing book in the new year.

But if you want something riveting to read, try this at Christmas. It’s the closest thing to a novel on the list, but it will also grow your faith in tremendous ways.

(Oh, and they did finish that translation project, and God brought amazing closure to their work in Indonesia. But He also brought them through serving out of guilt to serving out of joy.)

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Waiting on God: What to Do when God Does Nothing by Wayne Stiles

I thought I knew everything there was to know about the Old Testament story of Joseph.

I was so wrong.

And this year, as I have been in a place of waiting, I found this book so helpful. I’d journal a question, and then read a chapter, and it was like God was speaking directly to me.

Here’s one of the most basic lessons: We often read in Scripture tremendous stories of faith. Yet,

We need to remember that between significant events in the Bible lay large gaps of time.

All those heroes of the faith often had months if not years of God being silent, of promises yet to be fulfilled.

What do you do in those in-between times?

Since we’re going to wait anyway, we might as well wait well.

If you’re going through a period of waiting, I can’t recommend this book highly enough! And I feel like I finally GET the Joseph story, too.

Your God is Too Safe by Mark Buchanan

One of the first books I read in my new devotions regimen, this one changed the way I looked at spiritual disciplines. In fact, Mark challenged so many of my assumptions about what daily Christian living looks like!

It’s so fun to read. He puts a different spin on so many stories, which I find fascinating. And then he makes a great case that we need to actually practice if we want to grow in Christ.

I love this take on the role of doubt:

For the place God calls us into isn’t doubt free—how can any place where we walk by faith and not by sight be that? No, the holy wild is where we have driving and haunting doubts, God-hungry doubts that pull us to our knees, force us to the Word, make us wrestle all night and not let go until He blesses us. The holy wild throngs with true skeptics.

And he says this about spiritual discipline:

Holy habits are that: the disciplines, the routines by which we stay alive and focused on Him. At first we choose them and carry them out; after a while they are part of who we are. And they carry us.

After reading this, for the first time I got truly excited about devotions. And I’ve developed a new eye for them. A great book to help you really grow.

True Love Dates by Deb Fileta

A few years ago, when my children were young, I would have told you that “I Kissed Dating Good-Bye” was the way to go for finding a mate. No dating as a teen, and then date only to marry.

As my girls grew older, and as I started receiving more and more emails from women who grew up in that culture, I began to wonder if something was wrong. Were we were becoming legalistic, and missing out on the aspect of just enjoying other people’s company?

So this year I’ve read a ton of books on dating and courtship, because I want to do a series on it in the new year.

Here’s one of the better ones. And the main point she makes:

Chase after Jesus, as fast as you can. And after you’ve run a little way, turn around and see who’s managed to run with you and stay with you. Marry that person.

Jesus first. Then the rest will fall into place. But don’t put up obstacles to meeting people. A great and godly balance!

Ask It by Andy Stanley

When I was in the Waterbrook headquarters just before 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage, my editor handed me a bunch of their books she thought I’d enjoy. She put this book in the pile. It had nothing to do with marriage, and she hesitated a second, but then said, “I just think you’d like it.”

She was right.

For people who have ever wondered how to make decisions, or have ever wondered why they keep making bad ones, Andy Stanley shares with you the one question–really the ONLY question–you ever need to ask.

And then he shows you how to live it.

As Stanley says,

While nobody plans to mess up his life, the problem is that few of us plan not to.

He shows you how to plan not to.

I’ve made so many people read this book–people who are 20 and people who are 70. It’s brilliant. It’s not too long, but it’s awesome. Easy to read. Lots of anecdotes. And full of wisdom.

A Lifelong Love by Gary Thomas

Gary’s written a lot about how God’s main concern is our holiness, not our happiness, and how marriage is one of God’s primary vehicles to grow our character.

But does that mean that God doesn’t care if our marriages are miserable?

Not at all! And in his newest book, Gary shows how to create a marriage that doesn’t just exist, but that thrives.

A good marriage isn’t something you find; it’s something you make.

And he shows us how! One of the best marriage books I’ve read in a long time.

And if you live in the Toronto area, I’ll have the great pleasure of sharing the stage with Gary for a one-day marriage event at Queensway Cathedral in April. More info soon!

Paperless Home Organization by Mystie Winckler

I read this book when it was part of the Ultimate Homemaking Bundle last spring. I read it at night. And then I went to bed. And then I finally got up at 4:30 a.m. to start putting her ideas into practice because I was so excited about it I couldn’t sleep!

She shows you how you need only three programs–Gmail, Evernote, and Remember the Milk (a task app) to organize everything.

And she shows you how to do it. Since I’ve put her system into place I haven’t lost things. I haven’t forgotten appointments. I’ve gotten so much more done. And it’s streamlined my life and made me excited about getting organized for the first time.

It’s amazing.

Do More Better by Tim Challies

Tim’s book is a lot like Mystie’s. He explains how you need just three programs to organize everything, and he shows you how to do that.

But what he adds to the mix is the idea of dividing your life up into your different service roles–the different areas of responsibility that God has given you. Here are my categories: Family, Personal, Work, Body of Christ, and Home. It helps keep me focused and prevents me from getting lopsided (by forgetting things like going to get my bloodwork done, for instance, because I focus too much on others).

So I took Mystie’s system I was already doing and refined it using Tim’s categories.

In retrospect I wish I had read Tim’s book first. Tim’s is like the “big picture” God-calling idea, with some practical stuff. Then Mystie adds a ton more practical fluorish to how to put all the apps together.

They’re both cheap. And they’re both worth it!

Trust Without Borders by Arabah Joy

What if blessings are for everyone else, and for us–God’s just chosen to use  us to go through suffering? That somehow He is hurting us deliberately?

Or, to put in another way, do you ever fear that you’re someone who has to be slaughtered so someone else can be blessed?

I read this book when it was part of the Ultimate Homemaking Bundle, too, and I thought it was excellent. It was like God ripped off a little layer of my heart and revealed some of the fears that were still there–that God was waiting to punish me; that God didn’t care about my feelings, but only about what I accomplished; that God only blessed other people.

Arabah Joy wrote such a sweet and insightful book that will likely bring you to tears in several places as you go to a deeper level of trust.

A beautiful journey to take with God at the beginning of this year.

9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage by ME!

Finally, the book that has had the most profound effect on me this year is this one. As I shared yesterday, I was quite vulnerable when I wrote it, which was scary. I shared some of the struggles that I have and what God is showing me.

This is so much a labour of love. I feel, in some ways, like Arabah Joy asked in her book: I had to be slaughtered to write this. It was hard, because I said some very controversial things.

I knew I’d be criticized.

I said that God wants us to live by the Spirit, to achieve real unity, to love and honor each other. He doesn’t want us just to go along with what our husbands say mindlessly. He doesn’t want us covering up for sin. He doesn’t want us being peacekeepers, never rocking the boat. He calls women to be part of bringing about His kingdom here on earth–as we pray “YOUR will be done”–not our husband’s, and not ours. God’s.

I worry so much by some trends in modern Christian thinking that say that a husband’s will is all that matters. Quite frankly, that’s not biblical. And so many marriages are suffering for it because women don’t realize their worth.

This is a hard book to explain. It’s easier to talk about The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex–everyone knows they need that before they get married! But I’m increasingly convinced that we need this one, too. We need a new calling to let God form our own hearts, and let go of some of the pat Christian advice we’ve been given over the years and really learn to live by the Spirit.

If you haven’t read it yet, my heart is in this book, like it has been in no other. And I believe it will bless you.

Here’s something neat about books as Christmas presents: Did you know that it’s not too late to gift a KINDLE version of a book to a family member or friend? You can just find the book you want on Amazon and then click “Give as a Gift”. The recipient will get an email on a date that you choose with instructions on downloading it. So if you see a book that would work for a family member, you can still get it!

Now let me know: What books have changed YOU this year?

 

 

 

 

 

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The 1 Thing I Want to Learn in the Next 24 Years of Marriage

I’ve had 24 wonderful years with my husband as of today–24 years to learn from marriage so much more about myself.

And today I thought I’d share some anniversary reflections.

24 is kind of a funny number for me because I use it a lot when speaking. When I give my Girl Talk presentation, I always say something like this:

Everyone thinks the best years for sex are the honeymoon years. But according to my surveys for The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, it’s not those first few years that bring fireworks. It’s years 16-24. You’ve had a decade or so together, the baby years are over, you’re finally getting some sleep again–and now you’re comfortable with each other that you can just have fun.

Of course, I’m almost at year 24 right now, and I’m getting a little nervous.

And so here I am today, celebrating 24 years of marriage.

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My husband and I were so young when we got married. We didn’t know what the future would bring.

We didn’t know what children we would have–or whether we would have kids.

We didn’t know where we’d live, what jobs we’d have–anything. We only had each other.

But here’s the biggest lesson that I’ve been learning over the last three to five years, the struggle that I included  a lot in my newest book, 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage: ultimately Keith isn’t me. He doesn’t completely understand me, and he never will. And I need to stop mourning for something I was never meant to have.

What I’ve been realizing lately is the beauty of separateness.

I’m making it sound like I have a bad husband, and that’s not what I mean at all. I think, instead, that my expectations, even after 24 years of marriage, are still flawed, and I’m still a work in progress.

At some level, I think I assumed that the longer we were together, the more ME Keith would become. The more he would instinctively just love me and accept all my foibles, even my bad ones (and I have lots). The more he would think like me, share all my opinions, and want to do exactly the same things.

True love, I have been led to believe, meant that he would see things always my way, because to totally love me and accept me somehow involved becoming just like me.

The more I write this the more silly I know it sounds. And it’s not as if I consciously think these things. But I notice that the times that I feel lonely or distant in our marriage is when Keith has somehow disappointed me because he didn’t understand something–and therefore I felt unloved.

It hardly ever occurs to me in those moments that if I’m feeling unloved because he didn’t understand me, then it’s also highly likely that I didn’t understand him. But getting out of these funks and learning to think differently is a lot of what I wrote about in 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage.

I had to start thinking differently.

I have a great marriage and an awesome husband. We have so much fun together.

But no two people will ever think exactly the same way. And when other things start bugging me–those triggers for loneliness or anxiety that are completely separate from us–I have a tendency to transfer my angst on Keith, and blame him for it.

I think we all do that.

Here’s an incident I wrote about in 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage:

While Keith was away on call, I began chewing on an old hurt. I suffered many rejections as a child and teenager, but when I met my husband, I thought that finally I had a man who would love me completely just for being me. So I was shocked when cold feet caused him to call off our initial engagement. Thankfully the estrangement wasn’t long, but that rejection pierced me. When I walked through a season recently when it seemed as if fellow committee members and church friends and blog readers were all disappointed in me, those feelings of rejection came flooding back. And with it came the reminder of my husband’s long ago rejection of me.

And so when Keith’s long bout of hospital calls was over, I finally had an audience to vent these feelings. But it’s rarely a good idea to stay up talking about deep issues when you’re tired; you just blow things out of proportion. And I didn’t just blow them up. I stuck them in a cannon, fired at Keith’s weakest points, and came pretty close to cheering when I hit the mark.

Then Keith said something really important. “I just need to know that us matters more than you.” He wasn’t saying that I didn’t matter; he wasn’t even saying that his feelings mattered more than mine. He was reminding me that we are on the same side, and that I should fight for that unity, even when my feelings were hurt.

My husband is a very smart man. He knew that we would never feel unity if we were always focusing on our own hurts.

I think that’s God’s heart for us, too. He’s not on my side; He’s on his own side—and his desire for my husband and me is to be “one flesh.” When we fixate on our own broken hearts, and believe that God’s main desire is to take those hurts away, then we’re not treating God like the Master of the Universe. We’re treating him like our own little personal Aladdin, ready to do our bidding.

I just need to know that “us” matters more than “me”.

That’s profound. I shared a lot about that journey in my book; it’s kind of vulnerable to admit that, even after writing this blog for 7 years and writing books for 12, I still have issues. I’m not perfect.

But I’m not. And it seems like the longer I’m married, the more I can learn from marriage, and the more God wants me to learn from marriage.

He wants to use marriage to refine me, and to get my eyes off of me.

Around my tenth anniversary I wrote about how Keith and I were becoming “Made for each other“. It’s still one of my favourite columns. By being married, we change. It’s not that he becomes me or that I become him, but that we become something else entirely that fits together so well.

By wanting Keith to fix everything for me, to think just like me, to be me–I’m really nurturing my old insecurities that I’m somehow not good enough, born out of lots of childhood rejection. Yet God didn’t put my husband on this earth to become me with all my foibles. Being truly accepted and loved doesn’t mean that he doesn’t see your foibles or that they don’t bother him.

Being truly accepted and loved means that he sees ME–all of me–and chooses to stay.

He chooses, everyday, to love me with such abandon that I am truly a blessed woman.

And he doesn’t need to become me. By loving me, despite everything, he pushes me to become a better version of me. A version that isn’t as insecure, that isn’t as self-focused, that isn’t as obsessed with always being right

I wrote earlier this year that my marriage has been a real force for healing in my life, and it has.

But God is not done with me! He never is. And I hope and pray that over the next 24 years I will take Keith’s words even more to heart. I will remember that “us” matters more than “me”. I will stop expecting him to think like me, agree with me, and always know what I need. That’s not a picture of love; that’s a picture of narcissism–of wanting to love someone who is simply an extension of myself.

I want instead to glory in our separateness: the fact that God made us different, and yet we stay together willingly and with joy, even in the difficult times. That’s something beautiful, and I hope, one day, I may understand it at an even deeper level.

And today, I’m going to celebrate.

The post The 1 Thing I Want to Learn in the Next 24 Years of Marriage appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

When Waiting is Hard

Waiting is hard.

It’s probably my least favorite thing to do–next to getting blood tests. I hate blood tests.

On Fridays I usually run a 400-word inspirational marriage moment, but in looking back over past Christmas columns that I’ve written I found this one on waiting. I liked it, and it was published seven years ago, so most of you haven’t seen it. So I hope you’ll forgive me 200 extra words today, but I thought I’d run it to get us ready for Christmas next week.

The Season for Waiting

I once read that most people spend on average two years of their lives waiting—waiting in lines, waiting for the waitress to bring the food, waiting for the furnace repairman. We may live in a fast-paced world, but there are some things we just can’t hurry. And waiting is aggravating, especially if you, like me, always pick the slowest line at the grocery store.

The Christmas season is all about waiting. We wait for that one special day when those much anticipated presents will finally be unwrapped, the extended family will arrive, and delicious aromas will fill the air. And waiting is torture, especially for younger ones. I’ve always felt it’s awfully unfair for children that we put our Christmas trees up in November. These poor tots with very little concept of time now have to wait over a month for Christmas, after being reminded of it daily.

When my husband was about nine, he was so tired of waiting that he took his two younger brothers and enticed them to open all the Christmas presents hidden in their parents’ closet. After examining their loot, they then rewrapped the lot, assuming their mother wouldn’t notice their haphazard job. They were wrong.

Waiting has always been an integral part of Christmas. From Mary waiting for her baby to be born to children waiting for dawn on that glorious morning, we wait. We dream of tomorrow and live for tomorrow, but in the process I wonder if we miss much of today.

When it’s presents we’re waiting for, waiting is full of excitement. But often the waiting periods in our lives are more characterized by dread than joy. I have several friends currently far back on a waiting list for specialist appointments, just so they can figure out what’s wrong. In the meantime, all these horrible diagnoses are dancing through their heads, where I’m sure they’d prefer sugar plums to be. And living in the agony of not knowing is the worst part of waiting.

If we could all do what my husband did and rip open the wrapping paper early perhaps we could take it. But when you’re waiting and there’s absolutely nothing you can do, life is painful. I have other dear friends whose daughter was just diagnosed with a serious disease. They’re spending their Christmas in and out of the hospital, and they won’t know a final prognosis for years. Even though things will likely turn out fine, that’s a lot of waiting.

I spent months waiting when I was pregnant with my second child, and the doctors told us that he had a heart defect which was likely to prove fatal. They just couldn’t tell me how long he would have. The rest of my pregnancy was spent preparing myself to meet the son I would one day bury.

What I learned through that difficult process, though, is that there’s no point in trying to prepare for every possible contingency, because only one thing is going to happen anyway. How much better it is just to savour the moment, and love the time that has been given to you.

None of us actually knows what tomorrow will bring, and when we try to live for all the things that might happen, we miss out on what is happening right now.

If we spend our lives worrying, how can we enjoy what we actually have?

There’s really no point in spending our lives waiting. We can’t do anything about the future anyway. But we can love today. We can forgive today. We can hug today, and laugh today, and even cry today. We can choose not to sweat the little things. We can choose to let little grudges go. Treasure up those you love; cherish their smiles, and their voices, and their hugs. Don’t wait to mend fences; do it now, when Christmas is upon us, and people are misty-eyed over family and peace and love and joy.

There is no better time. So why wait?

What’s #1 at To Love, Honor and Vacuum?

Okay, I just have to comment on this for a moment. I wrote two really big posts this week–on Tuesday and Wednesday, about Christmas traditions. And I thought they were pretty good–and they did get good traffic. But when I was looking through which posts did best, the one with the most traffic was Monday, where I shared my personal story and some pics of my cruise with my hubby. I’m actually kind of touched–that means that you guys like finding out about personal stuff about me, and not just marriage advice. That’s sweet! It’s like we’re friends, which is what I really want anyway. So thank you!

#1 NEW Post on the Blog: I Spent a Week with My Hubby!

#1 on the Blog Overall: Stocking Stuffers For Your Husband

#1 from Facebook: Christmas Traditions as a Couple

#1 from Pinterest: Why I Didn’t Rebel (my daughter explains!)

When I’m Insensitive

Now that we’re all friends and all, I have to apologize for being insensitive. On Wednesday I put up my post on Christmas traditions as a couple, and I framed it as how to do Christmas well BEFORE you have kids–because that was the reader question that was sent to me.

But I realize that many people don’t have kids and won’t have kids, and I didn’t mean to imply that those couples were somehow “lesser” than other couples. I amended the opening of the post to take that into consideration.

I’ve written a ton on the blog about miscarriages and infertility and baby death (since my own son died), so I don’t know why I did that. Just clueless, I guess. Forgive me.

My Readers Are So Creative!

I met one of my longtime readers, Kim O, when I was speaking in North Carolina giving my Girl Talk recently. She’s been following me for SIX years! Wow.

Anyway, she gifted me with some absolutely lovely and heavenly homemade soaps and lip balms that she creates.

There’s this luscious oatmeal and honey soap I’ve been using, and some lovely Christmas soaps. And several lip balms that I included in my “Exam Survival Kits” I sent my daughters this week at school!

So thank you, Kim!

Christmas is a Great Time to Give the Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex!

Seriously, it’s hard to give people sex books. We’re embarrassed. It seems private.

But at Christmas you can get away with anything!

Last year one of my friends bought her three daughters-in-law each a copy for Christmas. They made some pretty funny family photos with them afterwards!

So if you have a sister, a daughter, a daughter-in-law, a cousin, whatever…if they need it, now’s the time to buy it! And it’s not too late, if you order it now, to still get it delivered by Christmas.

A lot of people still struggle with enjoying sex and seeing sex as a good thing. If you’re afraid that someone you love is missing out–give them a gift that will reap huge dividends for years to come (and maybe even for generations).

And it’s only $9.27 in paperback on Amazon right now! That’s just about as cheap as I can buy it for from the publisher. So check it out–and make someone’s Christmas fun!

A Reader Sent Me This Awesome Note…

We’ve been married [over 2 decades], and we’ve always had an active, happy sex life. I’m convinced this is a big reason why we are still in love and strongly attached to each other, when people all around us are getting divorced–or worse. Our sex life is a healing bond like no other, and it’s a huge blessing to us.

That said, some time last year, we weren’t exactly in a rut, but…here’s the thing. I get up at 5 am every weekday. Despite our very busy life, we do our best to have the lights out at 10pm.

Now, my husband and I have always had kind of a role reversal thing. I climax easily and don’t need a ton of help , but my husband loves drawing things out. I don’t mind that at all, in theory. But on weekdays, when I was focused on sleep, our intimate time was…efficient, shall we say?

And at some point late last year, my husband brought this up very gently. He said he felt ridiculous about complaining, since he knows how good he’s got it, but he wanted there to be some times that he didn’t feel so rushed. I prayed over this for a day or so and then truly felt that I got inspiration from on high.

We already have a super consistent Date Night on Fridays, but I decided that after the more public part of our date, I’d arrange something special. Candles, flowers, and a super clean bedroom and bathroom would be the minimum.

I needed ideas about what to do next, but I wanted them to be appropriate, not sleazy. When I googled “hot Christian married sex,” your book came up. I ordered it right away and read it in one sitting when it arrived. It was perfect, and gave me everything I needed to plan our special nights. I’ve also subscribed to your blog posts, which are always full of great information and inspiration.

So, when we get home from the movies or dinner, or whatever, we might take a bath, or give each other back or foot rubs, or read the Song of Songs to each other—I tried to have some interesting surprises in store. But the main rule has been that things could go on for as long as he wanted, with no pressure to finish up. Most Saturdays, we can sleep in, so I don’t feel that pressure that I do on weekdays.

And this year has been AMAZING. I can’t remember when I came up with the code phrase “Friday Night Lights,” but sometimes, one of us will just text “FNL” to the other around Thursday or so, and it gives us both a little thrill of anticipation. While I don’t come up with something new every time, we’ve found a lot of favorites that haven’t gotten old yet. Our sex life has gone from great to magnificent, and we’ve found a level of profound contentment that we didn’t even know was possible. I’m grateful to God for such a good man, and for you and all your help, Sheila. Thanks for the great work you do in your special ministry.

Thank you so much for that awesome encouragement! That means the world to me, too.

And on Instagram…

Dear husband: If your work gives you a huge container of chocolate truffles for Christmas, and you happen to leave it lying around the house…well, it’s your own fault. #truth #chocolatelove #itsnotstealing

A photo posted by Sheila Gregoire (@sheilagregoire) on Dec 17, 2015 at 8:14am PST

Can’t see it? I’ve got the same post here on Facebook. It’s pretty funny. And true.

Have a wonderful weekend as you get ready for the Christmas holidays!

The post When Waiting is Hard appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

Christmas Treasures to Unwrap

I have a confession to make.

I don’t actually have my Christmas tree up yet.

And it’s probably not going to get up until the weekend.

I’ve never been this late before, but we were on a speaking tour in our RV until November 20, and then we left for a cruise December 4. I had so much to do in those two weeks that I was home to make up for being away and to get ready to be away again that we didn’t have time to put it up. And since we got home I’ve been trying to get all my work done so that I can shut off the computer until after Christmas–hopefully later today (except for checking comments, of course!).

So that’s my goal–get all my work done, and then concentrate on Christmas! I still have a Christmas stocking to knit for my son-in-law, too.

It’s also because it’s the first year that none of my kids is home. I’ve never put up the tree without them before. My mom’s coming over this weekend and I think we’ll do it together, but it’s STRANGE.

Nevertheless, I am ready to think about Christmas! I’m in a Christmas frame of mind. So today I thought that I’d run some of my Christmas contemplations from years past to give you all lots to read and to help you get in a Christmas frame of mind, too!

On Christmas Gifts

My 3 Gifts of Christmas

One of my most important columns I ever wrote for the newspaper–if judged by the number of people who emailed me and asked me to rerun it, or who printed it out and kept it. Here’s how we do presents to make sure that the kids keep the meaning of Christmas foremost in their minds!

Christmas Stocking Stuffers for Your Husband

Every year, it’s my most popular post in November and December. And I update it all the time with fresh ideas that are really cool! I’m sure you’ll find something here that your husband will love, whether he’s quirky, handy, geeky–or anything!

Sexy Stocking Stuffers for Your Husband

Want to take the stocking stuffer idea up a notch? Check out my sexy stocking stuffer suggestions!

Christmas Gifts for the Impossible to Buy for Husband

Panicking at what to get your husband? I’ve got tons of suggestions–and things that will help you brainstorm what will work for HIM.

Christmas Gifts to Nurture the Soul

We don’t want Christmas to just be about presents. But here are some presents that can help everyone remember the reason for the season.

On Christmas Expectations

Don’t Be the Christmas Doormat!

In so many families the mom does everything, and nobody seems to help. And then she doesn’t really get to enjoy the day or have a chance to revel in the beauty of it.

Planning Now for Normal Disappointment

Does your husband buy terrible presents? Do your kids forget to get you anything? Don’t wake up on Christmas morning and be disappointed. Talk to your family about what you need NOW. They can’t read minds–and they may not know what you need, even if you think it’s absolutely obvious.

Managing the In-Laws at Christmas

Do you spend Christmas shuffling between relatives’ houses–when you’d rather just stay at home? Is Christmas awkward because your relationships are strained? Some thoughts on how to avoid those prickly moments.

Christmas Contemplations

Seeking a Wise Man

This newspaper column actually won a national newspaper award for me! I’ve always liked it. On what women really need at Christmas–with a bit of a spiritual spin.

No More Naughty and Nice

Everybody deserves a fresh start at Christmas–even you! So let’s stop pigeonholing our relatives into categories, and just enjoy them, as they are, today.

The Season for Waiting

Christmas is all about waiting–but let’s face it, waiting is hard. A Christmas contemplation on the use of waiting in our lives, and how we can learn to live in the moment instead.

I also have a ton of FUNNY Christmas contemplations, and funny Christmas stories, in my compil ation book of columns, Another Reality Check. The ebook version is only $2.99, and you get 90 of my favourite syndicated columns I ever wrote. Christmas columns on managing gifts, managing relatives, seeing joy in the season, and more.

And there are columns on marriage, family, culture, my own foibles–and so much more.

Check it out on Kindle, or download the .pdf (that you can read anywhere) from me!

I hope those help you get into a Christmas frame of mind! I’m going to finish up some things today, and then start knitting!

The post Christmas Treasures to Unwrap appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

Wifey Wednesday: Creating Christmas Traditions When You Don’t Have Kids

Can you create Christmas traditions as a couple BEFORE you have kids?

Absolutely!

Today’s Wednesday, the day when we always talk marriage here at To Love, Honor and Vacuum. And recently I received this question from a young wife:

We don’t have kids yet, and all the Christmas articles I see on Pinterest about making Christmas meaningful all have to do with children. What can we do when it’s just the two of us to start Christmas traditions or make Christmas fun?

I thought that was a great question, so I put it up on Facebook and asked my readers: Any ideas for Christmas traditions as a couple? We had a whole lot of great ideas, and today I thought I’d share 10 ways to make Christmas meaningful before you have children (or to make it meaningful even if you never have children!).

10 Ideas for Christmas Traditions you can start--before you have Kids!
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1. Buy a meaningful ornament that sums up the year

Search for it throughout the year, or go to a special Christmas store together right before Christmas and get one that encapsulates what you’ve been through.

It could be something about exams and school, or something about a new job, or even something poignant. I’ve always loved the ornament that says, “Because someone we love is in heaven, there’s a little bit of heaven in our home.” We got a special one the year that our son died–and we also had special ones when we had our first child and when we first got married. We even have one for our life on the road in our RV now! Get creative. They can create a memory treasure trove of your life at different stages.

2. Put hot chocolate or coffee in a thermos and drive around looking at the Christmas lights

A quiet drive at twilight, a thermos of something hot, and a chance to snuggle. It’s lovely. And you can admire the beauty outside and the beauty of the season together, too.

And then there’s always those one or two houses that do Christmas BIG–that have every Christmas character lit up and that threaten to eat all the electricity from the whole neighborhood. Those are the houses it’s always fun to return to year after year, to see “what did they come up with now?”

3. Watch some Christmas movies together–and make some YOUR Christmas movies

Everybody has their favourite Christmas movies–and sometimes they’re not even about Christmas! The Sound of Music. Pride & Prejudice. Even Sleepless in Seattle!

Or maybe you go more traditional like Elf or Home Alone or National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation.

Watch some movies together and make that your Christmas movie, the one that you’ll come back to year after year.

4. Go caroling with some other young marrieds

Chances are you know other couples in the same boat–couples who don’t have kids yet, either (or maybe older couples who never did have kids, or whose kids are with the other sets of parents this Christmas). Get together and go caroling! It’s awfully fun. It sounds hokey, but people actually enjoy it if you’re in a group.

And then head back to someone’s house afterwards for some hot chocolate and board games.

Here’s a Christmas carol booklet you can download and print! 

5. Bake some cookies together and take them to your neighbours

Just because you don’t have kids doesn’t mean you can’t have fun or do the Christmas baking! Bake some cookies together and then hand them out to your neighbours. It’s a great way to get to know them, and seriously, who says no to cookies?

6. Write a letter to each other

One woman shared this Christmas tradition:

Since the year before my husband and I were married, we write a letter to each other. It reflects the past year and looks forward to the next. We read them to each other then roll them up, put them in a clear Christmas ball, and hang it on our tree. We do it Christmas Eve before we exchange our Christmas Eve gifts. ..new shirt and tie for him, lingerie for me…to wear for him.

Along those same lines, here’s another idea:

7. Create a Christmas Eve box to open together

It could have a Christmas movie you’ll watch together, some new jammies (or lingerie!), a board game, a bottle of wine, or whatever you want to do together that night.

8. Adopt a Family through the Angel Tree program–or volunteer in some other way

Many communities have an Angel Tree program (you can often find them at malls) where you can “adopt” a child or a family and buy Christmas gifts for them.

Think of Christmas as a time when you can give back to your community in some way. If it’s not the Angel Tree program, maybe you can volunteer at the food bank on Christmas Eve. Maybe you can work at a soup kitchen together on Boxing Day. Maybe you can pack shoeboxes through Samaritan’s Purse in November.

Pray that God will show you what works for you as a couple so you can give back. And many of those traditions can be continued once you have kids!

9. Go for a Winter Hike

If you live somewhere that actually gets winter (like I do!), then pack up those thermoses and put on the scarves and hats and take a winter hike. Go somewhere with a lovely view, or somewhere that’s super quiet. Make it “your” place where you can reflect on the year that’s past, the beauty of God’s provision, and where you think God is leading you next year.

And even if you live in a warm place (which normally I’d be jealous of, but I like cold Christmases), then you can still hike. It just may not be that different from hikes at other times of  year!

And you can continue this one if you become parents, too!

10. Commemorate Your First Christmas Together

If it’s your very first Christmas as a married couple, here are a few ideas from another Facebook fan:

Make an impression of your first house key in some salt dough and make an ornament out of it. If you use a real tree, cut a slice off the bottom and write the year and 1st Christmas together on it. Make an ornament with a picture of you two. If you are married put a wedding announcement in a clear glass Christmas ball and hang it on the tree.

I love it! I’m going to share that one with my daughter and son-in-law.

And here’s a bonus Christmas tradition for you to start next year:

11. Create a Couples Advent Calendar with Activities and Prayer Prompts

My blogging friend Darby Dugger, who has guest posted here before, created an advent calendar for her husband with verses to read and pray together, and lots of fun prompts for things to do! It’s super easy–she just wrote it on index cards and stuck it on a corkboard. Or you can be more creative. But it gets you in the spirit of remembering Jesus, and making Him the focus of our relationship.

So there you go–traditions that you can start now, even if you don’t have children. After all, Christmas isn’t just for kids! And now that you’re together, you have the chance to build your own Christmas traditions.

And a big THANK YOU to everyone who participated on Facebook and gave me these great ideas! If you’re not part of my Facebook community yet, come on over.

One more word for those who are newly married: I think it’s perfectly okay to tell parents, “we would like to spend a day or two just the two of us over the holidays, creating our own traditions.” You don’t need to wear yourselves out going between two families. It’s your family now, and if you want to create some of your own traditions, don’t be afraid to take some time to do just that!

Now, let me know: what Christmas traditions do you have as a couple (that don’t necessarily involve the kids?) Let’s brainstorm together!

It’s your turn to be part of Wifey Wednesday! If you’re a blogger, link up the URL of one of your marriage posts in the linky below! Let’s try to focus on Christmas today, too.

Marriage isn't supposed to be blah!


Sex is supposed to be stupendous--physically, emotionally, AND spiritually.

If it's not, get The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex--and find out what you've been missing.

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