Sheila Wray Gregoire's Blog, page 172
November 3, 2015
Top 10 Reasons You Should Care About this FLASH SALE!
Maybe it’s because I’m a sucker for bargains.
Maybe it’s because I love surprises, and when you buy an ebook bundle, you get so many books that it’s just a riot looking through them all and finding the gems.
Or maybe it’s because I love having a ton of resources at my fingertips for anything I might need!
And so today I’m so excited to share with you that the Ultimate Homemaking Bundle is available for a FLASH SALE until midnight EST tonight–but then it’s gone forever. It was on sale for a week in April, but the organizers have brought it back just for today. And it’s so great you don’t want to miss it!
I thought I’d share 10 reasons why I’m so passionate about this Bundle, since it’s Top 10 Tuesday! So here goes:
1. You get 86 ebooks and ecourses, and lots of bonuses, worth $913, for just $29.97
That’s an awesome deal!
You get books on:
DIY & Homemade
Faith
Faith for Kids
Finances
Food
Holidays
Homeschooling
Marriage
Motherhood
Organizing
Pregnancy & Babies
Self-Care
Working from Home
And lots of ecourses, too–some of which are valued at close to $100! See it here.
2. Paperless Home Organization Changed My Life
I wrote about this book back in April, but I’ve been using her system faithfully ever since to keep track of my to do list, plan projects, set goals, and get my daily tasks accomplished.
And I can’t imagine ever going back now!
Here’s what you do: You use three main online (free!) programs: Gmail, Evernote, and Remember the Milk (an awesome task reminder program). All of these can also be synced onto your phones and devices.
Then you set up checklists in Evernote for your daily activities, and you enter special things in Remember the Milk. I’ve got reminders for everything in there–that I have to change the furnace filter every 2 months (seriously, we’ve had to call the furnace repair people 3 times in the last decade just because I forget to change the furnace filter), reminders for when bills are due, reminders for what projects I have to get done for my daughter’s wedding, and more.
Here’s what I love: she shows you how to use both Evernote and Gmail so that things automatically get saved and filtered, without you having to use a whole lot of words or remember where you filed something. It’s easy to retrieve again, and it’s ever so easy to check on your to-do list. It’s not like you need 23 different tags and 32 different notebooks. Not at all. It’s really simple. It took me about an hour and a half to set everything up.
So now everyday I scan papers I need to scan, save them in Evernote, and I don’t need to keep notes anywhere anymore. And I always have my to do list and reminders with me! It’s awesome.
In fact, if you put just the organizing ebooks and ecourses together, they’re worth more than the cost of the bundle!
But being organized–priceless.
And all the organizing resources are included in the Bundle!
3. The Grocery Savings books will pay for themselves–so many times over!
And they’re worth more than twice the cost of the bundle!
4. You get to listen to ME talk about marriage and sex!
Included in the Ultimate Homemaking Bundle is an audio download of me talking about Marriage, Sex & Intimacy! So you get to listen to my actual voice. If, of course, that interests you. 
5. You’ll finally figure out how to build a budget that works.
I really love Jessi Fearon’s book Build a Budget that Works. She’s got printables, she explains it clearly, and she helps you budget so that you don’t forget things like “in 2 years we’ll have to buy a new computer” or “what about Christmas gifts?” She shows you how to plan to pay off debt, but then how to also save for something you know you’ll need in 6 months. Where do you put the money? What do you do with it in the interim? Jessi shows you how to figure it all out!
And if you get your budgeting under control, that will save you more than $30 this year alone.
It’s worth the Bundle just for this book!
6. You can learn how to knit. Or take better pictures. Or decorate cakes…
…or any of a variety of things! Included with the bundle is a free Craftsy video course, worth up to $60! Craftsy offers amazing online courses that you can take at your leisure from some of the best craft teachers online. I love Craftsy courses (their knitting and photography ones are great), and I know you will too.
It’s one of the many bonuses included in the bundle!
7. You can help your family get healthy
Included in the bundle are two ecourses on helping your family move towards healthy living. And there’s also books on how to make your own green cleaners, how to cook real food and get away from chemicals, how to cook gluten-free, and more!
8. Homemaking is a Skill. Maybe you just need to learn it!
We’re not born knowing how to care for a home. And what if small changes to your daily routine could make BIG changes in helping you feel less overwhelmed, more energized, and more excited about caring for your kids, your home, and your marriage?
I’m not a natural born homemaker at all. I tend to be a packrat. I tend to create piles everywhere. But I read some of the homemaking resources back in April, and I made a few small changes that have made a huge difference. I turn my dishwasher on at night and empty it first thing in the morning–everyday without fail. I fold the laundry as it’s coming out of the dryer. And I find I’m less stressed when my day starts out well.
Included in the bundle are tons of books on homemaking, but there are also some in-depth audio courses you can listen to while you do the dishes, wait in line at carpool, or go jogging. And they’ll help you make those small changes you need to feel less overwhelmed!
9. These books will never be offered like this again.
The flash sale is over tonight at midnight–and then this selection will be gone. I’ve participated in several bundles, and they don’t use the same resource twice. It’s always something new! So if you like these books, you’ve got to get it now.
10. You support moms just like you.
I wasn’t sure I should promote this flash sale, because I don’t want you all to be “bundled out”. And I did talk about this bundle when it was first for sale back in April!
But then I thought about another reason that I’m passionate about these bundle sales. The people involved in them are moms just like you.
My friends Erin and Stephanie started the concept of the Ultimate Bundles, and they put together 4-5 bundles a year on different topics. And they’ve been able to turn this into a business that supports them staying at home.
Then what they do is scour the internet for great products–ebooks, ecourses, and bonuses–most of which are put together by moms trying to make enough money to stay at home with their kids, too! In fact, I know that several authors in these bundle sales are actually missionaries out on the mission field, and this helps to support them.
There are no middlemen. No publishers. No corporations. Just moms who have figured out some key ways to make homemaking easier, who are using their knowledge to support themselves. And so when you buy a bundle, you get amazing resources that will teach you, save you money, and enrich your life. But you also enrich the lives of the authors and organizers, too!
So take a look at it–and get it today, before it’s gone tonight at midnight!
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November 2, 2015
Reader Question: Help! My Daughter Watches Porn!
What do you do if you discover that your daughter watches porn?Every Monday I like to post a Reader Question and take a stab at answering it, and today’s is from a mom who is worried that her daughter is getting sucked into pornography:
Could you please address, or direct me to articles regarding women who are addicted to porn. I’m suspecting my 19 year daughter struggles with porn and I would like to understand it and pray about addressing it with her.
Women watching porn is a HUGE topic, and I won’t be able to deal with all in one post. But I’ll take a stab at it today, and then I’ll likely write a follow-up post sometime soon based on the comments and questions I get! 30% of porn addicts are now female, so this is not just a male problem. And while we tend to think of 50 Shades of Grey as being the female temptation and pornography as being the male temptation, increasingly women are seeking out porn online as well. So we need to talk about this.
Things to Talk To Your Daughter About if She Watches Porn
Porn completely distorts sexual arousal
Whether you’re male or female, porn works the same way. You watch things that are sexually stimulating, and that has a pleasurable effect on your body and in your mind. Just like with a drug, the pleasure centers in your brain are stimulated. And when that happens, the brain will want it to happen again.
The brain ends up pairing the stimulus–pornography–with the response–sexual arousal. But it was never supposed to be that way. We’re supposed to be aroused in relationship, with a person, not with an image.
When you use pornography, and then you get married, you likely won’t be able to be aroused by your husband. Even if he’s an awesome lover, you have to fantasize in your mind in order to get aroused–and many women report that they aren’t able to reach orgasm unless they bring back some of those images into their minds.
You can get over this; you can rewire your brain back to proper arousal. But it is tough, and it takes time and a lot of healing from God. So don’t set yourself up for this in the first place!
Watch porn as a teen--you make it harder to enjoy sex when you're married.
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Porn distorts your sexuality
What women crave sexually tends to be romance and relationship and feeling as if we’re being swept off of our feet.
Porn tends to be very violent; very degrading; and very rough. The things that are pictured in pornography tend to be things that most women would not actually want in real life.
Almost all pornography now features what would normally be called abuse of women. It usually involves men using women, not men romancing women at all. And women are often the objects for many men.
What happens when you watch this? You start to feel as if it’s normal. And you start to desire things (even if you think you may never act them out in real life) that you would normally never want.
Interestingly, one of the few areas of pornography online that isn’t violent towards women is lesbian pornography. And many women, even women who would normally identify themselves as heterosexual, get sucked into watching that. Amy Riordan from Walking in Freedom has documented her journey into lesbian pornography and out of it, and she’s very honest about the effects that it had on her and her marriage.
Those are real women being hurt
We tend to think of pornography as a “victimless crime”. Sure, they shouldn’t actually be doing that, and sure, it’s kind of extreme, but they’re getting paid so it’s okay.
No, it’s not. Most porn workers were sexually abused as children. Many ran away and got into prostitution when they were underage. Many were trafficked. Many use drugs just to get through the shoots. These are hurting women who often feel as if they have no choice–and many don’t.
But what’s even scarier is this: as porn grows, so the demand for trafficked women grows. And pornography addiction works kind of like alcohol: at first you may be able to get a buzz from a drink or two. Then you need three drinks to get the same buzz. Then four drinks. You develop a tolerance.
With porn, at first “regular” sex is exciting. Then you develop a tolerance, so you start watching more violent sex. Then you may watch sex that involves underage girls.
That may not be something that women do often, but that’s how men often get trapped. Very few men start out watching child pornography. But when the “regular” stuff isn’t enough anymore, they start on rabbit trails around the internet and may end up with child porn. And that’s why there’s a whole industry now of web cam, live porn using trafficked girls, especially underage girls from Cambodia and Thailand.
How does this industry spring up? Because “regular” porn is the gateway. The more that we use regular porn, the more lucrative we make it. And then the more likely it is that people will start searching out the stuff that is truly coerced.
Personally, I believe that all pornography is coercion of some sort, because no healthy, whole person would choose to make pornography. There’s got to be a lot of brokenness and woundedness there. But as you develop a tolerance for that and start watching other stuff, it’s almost all overtly coerced. If there weren’t such a demand for regular porn, then we wouldn’t develop the appetite for the truly exploitative and criminal porn. You may think it’s victimless, but it’s not. By supporting the industry, you encourage that.
The Big Picture About Women and Porn Use
It’s important to talk to your daughter about all three of these points. She needs to know what porn does to her brain; what porn does to her sexuality; and how the porn industry is involved with exploiting the most vulnerable females (and boys, too) on the planet.
And the more you use porn, the more difficult you make it to enjoy healthy sex in marriage. People will tell you that porn educates you about sex; that porn gives you ideas for different positions; that porn boosts your libido. It’s all a lie. Porn sends your libido in the wrong direction–after an image, rather than a relationship. And that pairing doesn’t automatically end once you’re married.
It's not only sons that get sucked into watching porn. It's daughters, too.
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So How Do Women Stop Using Porn?
Stopping pornography isn’t easy, any more than quitting smoking is easy or quitting drinking is easy. Your brain craves it now.
Most girls who watch porn don’t want to (most Christian men who watch porn don’t want to, either. It’s a source of great stress and shame). Chances are that if you talk to her about it, she’ll be devastated. She likely wants to quit, but she doesn’t know how. So here are a few tips to help her:
1. Install Covenant Eyes on your devices, phones, and computers
Covenant Eyes will send an email to a person of your choice if you try to access a site you shouldn’t. So when you’re trying to quit, this gives that other layer of protection from temptation.
When an alcoholic tries to quit drinking, the first thing he or she does is empty the house of all the liquor. With porn you can’t do that because the internet is everywhere. Installing the software just makes it more difficult for you to access porn–and if it’s more difficult, it’s easier to withstand the temptation.
2. Identify when you find the temptation the strongest
Is it late at night when you’re alone? Is it when you’re bored? Is it when you’re stressed? Is it after you’ve watched a romantic movie?
Figure out when you’re most likely to turn to pornography.
3. Have a plan for those times when temptation to watch porn is strong
If you know what triggers the temptation, then make a concrete plan for what to do when the temptation is the worst. Maybe when you’re stressed you go out for a jog and get out of the house. Maybe you start keeping your computer and all of your devices outside of your bedroom, so that when you’re tired you can’t turn to it while lying in bed. Maybe you stop watching certain movies or reading certain books.
4. Tell someone about your porn use
It’s great that you’re able to talk to your daughter. But she needs someone that’s more of a peer or a mentor, rather than you, to talk to about this. Help her identify that person, so that she has someone she can confess to and talk to and ask for prayer. Prayer is the biggest weapon we have in this fight–and she needs someone that she can pray with that isn’t necessarily you.
5. Read “More Than Single”
Covenant Eyes has a new free ebook out for late teens and twenty-somethings who struggle with porn–while waiting in the single years to be married. How do you withstand the temptation? It’s a great read that acknowledges the sexual frustration and temptations that singles face, talks about the reality and dangers of porn, and points you to ways to fight against it and get healing.
Find it here.
If your daughter is watching porn, here are some tips on how to broach the subject.
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This is an awkward conversation to have. No one wants to talk to their daughter or son about porn use. But if you suspect your daughter watches porn, you absolutely have to talk to her about it. (And if it’s your son watching porn, I have a post on that, too.)
I’d just suggest framing it in the way I’ve presented, though. “This is what porn will do to you. This is what porn does to others.” Too often we talk about it just as a sin, and I really don’t think that’s helpful. Of course it’s wrong to watch porn, but she already knows that. Give her the tools to actually want to quit, and you’re doing her a real service.
Covenant Eyes has more resources for women who struggle with porn–you can access them here. At that link there are several blog posts for women using porn, several videos and podcasts they can listen to, but best of all, there’s an article by Jessica Harris on how to talk to your daughter about sex and porn which you may find very helpful. And it’s all free! There also several ebooks on how parents can talk to their kids about porn, and on what porn does to your brain.
I hope that helps–I know if your daughter watches porn you’re likely really devastated and scared. Let me know in the comments, anonymously if necessary, have you ever struggled with porn? Do you struggle now? How do you stop?
This post contains affiliate links.
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October 30, 2015
Fixing the Little Things in Your Marriage
Sheila’s Marriage Moment: Pay Attention to the Little Things
I’ve started a new Friday feature where I give a 400-word inspirational marriage moment. Here’s this week’s!
When Rudy Giuliani became mayor of New York, the city was reeling from crime. It was a scary place to live.
And what he decided to do gave people apoplexy. Instead of trying to understand criminals, or get to the root of why people choose crime, he adopted James Q. Wilson’s Broken Windows theory. And I think this may apply to our marriages, too.
Wilson said that instead of worrying about the big crimes, you should start by worrying about the little ones: the broken windows, the graffiti, the muggings. Focus on petty things that give people the sense that “this is not a safe place”. The street looks dismal. People take no pride in things. Once one building has a broken window, people stop taking care of the buildings on either side. And that gives criminals the impression: you can operate here with impunity, because no one will do anything to you. Nobody cares.
So Giuliani started erasing all the graffiti, had people arrested for it, and arrested all those who jumped the turnstiles at the subways. And lo and behold, murders dropped. Burglaries dropped. Violent crime dropped.
Let me ask you: Are there broken windows in your marriage?
Many marriages are a lot like 1980s New York City: they’re dismal, there’s lots of destruction, and there’s not much hope in sight.
But perhaps if we could focus on the broken windows, the other things would take care of themselves.
So do the little things. Often we are nicer to strangers than we are to our husbands, because we can see all the reasons why our husbands don’t deserve it. But say a kind word. Scan for things to praise–and then speak those things out loud. Decide to do something with him that he enjoys–even if it’s not something you particularly enjoy. Kiss him when he walks by. Text him during the day and tell him WHY you’re happy he’s your husband.
Sure, you may still have big issues. But when you do these little things, day in and day out, you build goodwill. You give the impression: this marriage matters. I value you. And that goodwill becomes the foundation so that you can start addressing some of these bigger things.
Start with little acts of kindness. Don’t focus on the huge problems. And maybe those huge problems will become easier to tackle.
In #marriage, you can't fix big issues if you stop paying attention to little ones.
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What’s #1 at To Love, Honor and Vacuum?
#1 NEW Post on the Blog: Top 10 Ways To Get Out of a Sexual Rut
#1 on the Blog Overall: 16 Ways To Flirt With Your Husband
#1 on Facebook: Top 10 Sex and Marriage Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore
#1 on Pinterest: Stocking Stuffers for Your Husband Something tells me this is the most popular one that we are going to be having for a while. (bookmark this for later!)
We’re Leaving Today…in our RV!
My husband and I are starting out on our second big adventure in our RV! We’re traveling down the east coast over the next few weeks, where I’ll be speaking, and we’ll be birdwatching, and I’ll be doing a few media interviews. And then we’re leaving our RV in South Carolina for a few months before rejoining it in January when we speak in Florida and Georgia and head to Texas for February!
Winter in Florida, Georgia and Texas sounds a whole lot better than winter in southern Ontario.
But before we hit there, I’m giving my Girl Talk in Baltimore, MD, and Smyrna, DE, this Sunday and Monday! I’ll be at the Smyrna Church of Christ on Sunday at 4 in the afternoon (see all the info on Facebook!), and then at the Eastern Assembly of God in Baltimore on Monday at 6:30 (see more here)! They’re both going to be great events, so if you’re in the area, come on by.
Then on Sunday, November 15 at 6:00 I’ll be at Rockfish Church in Raeford, North Carolina, near Fort Bragg, for another awesome night. I’d love to see you!
And if you’re in the Florida/Georgia/Texas area, I’m booking now for my Girl Talks in the winter! I have some bookings already, but I do have a few more openings. So if your church wants a super easy event to host (you really only need to do coffee & chocolate; I take care of the rest), that pays for itself, email my assistant Tammy. She wants to help YOU get ME to your church!
And on Instagram…
A photo posted by Sheila Gregoire (@sheilagregoire) on Oct 28, 2015 at 1:04pm PDT
Have a great weekend, everybody!
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October 29, 2015
Parenting with a Foreign Accent: 3 Ways It’s Good to Be Different!
And today Frances Green joins us to tell us about her experience spanning two different cultures–and how it impacted her choices to deliberately parent differently. I absolutely loved it–and think she’s spot on! Here’s Frances:
Our family lived in a foreign country for nearly 10 years between Costa Rica and Venezuela.
We knew what it was like to stand out as foreigners because as much as we tried to fit in, we never fully did. All I had to do was speak and my accent gave me away—as if my looks didn’t already do it.
In some cases I didn’t even try to conform to the other culture because there were parts of my home culture that I wanted to hold onto—like going barefoot, making peanut butter sandwiches instead of “arepas” or playing in a long awaited rain with mud squishing between the toes.
We were so accustomed to being different that it wasn’t surprising that we still felt like strangers even when we moved back to the States.
We were out of sync with life at “home” and had a new set of adjustments to make. Grocery shopping overwhelmed me. Greetings and farewells confused me. The school system consumed me.
After 15 years in the States, I’ve definitely mastered the grocery store. But there are other customs in the culture that our family decided not to adjust to after all. We were strangers in Venezuela—living as foreigners and never completely fitting in, so we decided to stay strange in West Texas.
We’ve chosen to live counter culturally, breaking some of the cultural norms, for the sake of our family.
Today, I’d like to invite you to do the same. You don’t have to live in another country to live counter culturally. You don’t even have to play in the rain with me. But you do have to choose different instead of conforming.
I’ll warn you now that it’s not easy. It’s tiring to be different. Your kids will get tired of being different. But it’s worth it. And although others may think you love each other with a bit of a foreign accent, living counter culturally will strengthen your family.
Here’s a list of 3 ways that we choose to love our family with an accent in our home culture. Hopefully it will encourage you to consider how you can love one another counter culturally in your own family rhythms, wherever you live.
1. The culture says, “Stay connected.” We say, “Disconnect.”
We disconnect from social media, the TV and the Internet so we can connect to one another. Because honestly, you don’t connect with the people sitting in the same room if you’re determined to stay connected with people that aren’t in the room. Staying connected to everyone else at the expense of connecting to the family is one aspect of the culture we’ve chosen not to adjust to.
Some ways that we disconnect for the sake of our family are—
No TV or texting during meal times.
In the morning we don’t turn the TV on or connect on social media. We prepare for the day and eat breakfast without the voices of the world shouting for our attention.
Creatively connect with the kids without technology. Some of our favorites were bike rides, board games and ping pong once they were teens.
If we connect to technology in the evening, we connect together–we only have one TV so that we are entertained together.
If you’re up for the challenge of parenting counter culturally, then consider ways your family can disconnect from technology so that you can connect to one another.
Your friends may wonder why it took you so long to like their picture on Facebook. But you’ll know that it’s part of the new accent you’ve picked up.
2. The culture says, “Good parents raise high achievers, no matter the Cost”. We say, “Count the cost.”
Who doesn’t want the best for their kids? But sometimes we sacrifice what’s best for our kids—and family– in pursuit of making our kids the best. There’s a difference.
We quickly found that no matter how much we did, there was always pressure to do more. With four kids, our pace of life could get crazy quick. We weren’t ready to adjust to that part of the culture.
So we count the cost before signing our kids up for another team, tutor, practice or lesson. Here are some questions we ask to count the cost–
What does it cost beyond the bucks—family meals together, a relaxing weekend at home, maybe our own sanity?
What are we saying no to if we say yes to another activity?
What are our family’s limits at this time? Every family has different needs and resources, and those vary within a family from season to season. We have to constantly reevaluate our limits.
Sometimes you’ll say yes to an opportunity. Sometimes you’ll say no. But you’ll always count the cost if you love your family with a counter culture accent.
3. The culture says, “Eat fast; eat on the go”. We say, “Eat slow; eat together.”
The average American eats one in every five meals in their car. Since drive thru was invented, we’ve been speeding through meal times with no respect for its value to bring the family together. Whether it’s a burger in the drive thru or a pop tart out of the pantry, we rush through a meal to get to the next activity.
Slow down. Make mealtime the activity.
Mealtimes are the perfect speed bump in the day to pause together.
It’s been a scheduling challenge with four kids, but our family has made it a priority to sit at the table to eat breakfast and supper together most days of the week. It’s counter cultural. It takes effort. Lots of effort. But it’s worth it.
Studies prove its value too—your stress goes down, kids’ test scores go up, and it helps teenagers make better choices. Choose to eat slowly and together with a foreign accent. Eating together is a rhythm of love that will strengthen your marriage and give stability to your kids.
So how about it? Are you ready to parent counter culturally?
It’s more than a week vacation. You’re not going to be a tourist who can tolerate different because you know you’ll return to normal soon. It’s choosing to live differently in your normal. It’s a lifestyle.
Your friends may think you’re a little strange.
Your kids will definitely think you’re strange.
You’ll know that you’re strange. Because you’re choosing to love as a stranger. You’re choosing to love with a foreign accent.
Let me know in the comments: What are some areas that you live differently for the sake of your family rather than conform to the culture?
Frances Green blogs at francesanngreen.com. She writes about what’s growing beneath the surface in the “GREENhouse”–usually in the areas of parenting, the spiritual journey or cross-cultural mission experiences.
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October 28, 2015
Wifey Wednesday: When Your Husband Won’t Initiate Sex
And it hurts them, because women like to feel chased. We like to feel like our husbands truly want us.
And so today, for Wifey Wednesday, I thought I’d look at what to do if your husband just doesn’t initiate.
Sometimes the issue is that he has no sex drive at all. If that’s the case, then I’d recommend a different series that I wrote on what to do if your husband never wants sex. Today I want to look at a guy who WILL have sex, usually, if you initiate, but who very rarely does so himself.
So let’s look at the different reasons that this may happen.
He used to initiate sex, but now he never does
When I wrote The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, I took surveys of 2000 women, and asked about how much they enjoyed sex, how often they had sex, and many other things. After looking at the results I figured I had better survey some men, too, so I sent out surveys to about 500 men and had really similar results about how often people had sex.
But the comments from the guys were really interesting.
I had quite a few men saying things like, “I used to try to initiate all the time. It got to the point where I felt like I was begging. Every now and then she’d say okay, but she was never into it. It was humiliating. And eventually I decided I didn’t want that. So I just stopped. And now I don’t care anymore.”
And in talking to men in their late 30s, 40s, or 50s, I often find this attitude. After a decade or so of trying to get frequent sex, they just gave up.
The problem is that many women don’t have much of a sex drive when they marry because they’re nervous, they haven’t figured out how to make it feel good yet, they can’t fully relax–or they have babies and they’re exhausted all the time.
By the time a woman gets to her late 30s and things start to kick in, then, he may have checked out. And now suddenly he’s the one with the lower sex drive, it seems. I’ve even known men who have taken pleasure in their wives initiating and then turning them down. It’s become this punishment.
It’s a common dynamic, and it’s very dangerous.
So if your husband never initiates sex, is this a new thing, or has it always been the case? If he had a high sex drive for years, but it’s now almost gone completely away, it may be that a dynamic has sprung up where he is too hurt by rejection, that he’s decided to shut that part off.
What to do: Apologize deeply for withholding sex or for refusing sex, if that’s what you did for years. Tell him you know it was wrong. But tell him that you also want to rebuild the marriage, and creating a sexless marriage or a marriage without passion isn’t the way to do that.
If he really won’t have a conversation about it, then it’s probably time to sit down with a counselor. Even if he won’t go, a counselor may give you some help on how you can communicate.
He never initiates sex because he’s nervous about sex
Here’s another scenario, that a woman wrote to me about:
First off I’d like to say that I got married about a month ago & before I got married I read your book The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex. Well, because of what I read in your book, your perspective, my parents advice & my husband’s gentle patience with me, we had a really good experience & we both really enjoyed each other.
My husband and I are in our early 30s. I grew up in a Christian home where both parents were committed to their marriage, were openly affectionate toward each other & their children. My husband became a Christian 6 years ago. His parents are still married, however there was never any open display of affection between them. Also, he had a failed marriage before he came to the Lord.
My husband is very timid about initiating sex. I would say that 9 times out of 10 I’m the one asking for it or initiating it. It makes me feel like there’s something wrong with me, especially if he turns me down because he’s tired. It’s not that we aren’t intimate on a regular basis, it’s more that he just doesn’t initiate & he’s extremely cautious about touching me because he says he doesn’t want to make me feel like my body is just some object. I’ve tried to be very encouraging in this area.
But, I still feel like I’m practically begging him to touch me, he still says he feels like there are these unspoken boundaries & he’s not sure what’s ok or what’s not outside of just your basic hugging, kissing & intercourse.
In this case there could be several things going on, but let’s deal with just one: your husband is confused about what healthy sexuality is, and now that he’s trying to live for God, he doesn’t want to do anything wrong.
That’s hardly surprising. If you ask the average person on the street what Adam & Eve’s original sin was, a large proportion of them will say, “having sex.” They don’t realize it was eating the fruit. If they know about the fruit, they think it’s an allegory for sex.
Sex is the sin.
And in many ways different strains of Christian tradition have, over the years, reinforced that view. Sex is dirty.
And so here’s a guy who is a new Christian who already grew up with weird views of sex from his parents, and then who had a bad first marriage, and now he wants to do everything right. But every time he looks at his wife he worries that he’s sinning.
What to do: Have an honest conversation about what sex means and why God likes sex. It sounds as if this woman has tried to talk to him about how it’s okay if he touches her, but I’d go even more basic than that. Talk about why God actually wants you to enjoy sex, and why sex can be hot and holy at the same time. She has my book, The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and even though that’s written for women, I’d encourage her to read chapter 8–A Pure, Holy, and Hot Marriage!–out loud with him. Talk about how having passion for our spouses actually fuels passion for God, and vice versa. This is something God celebrates!
Here’s something else you can do: Declare a certain week “new beginnings” week. Now you’re married, and you want to see things differently and do things differently. So during this week, we’re going to talk about all the lies that we believe about marriage and sex, and write them down. Then we’re going to write down the truths that counteract the lies. At the end of the week, throw out the lies and keep the truths, maybe in a mason jar or a keepsake box.
Here are some lies you may believe: only some parts of the body are holy; it’s holier not to have sex very often; if we want sex too much we’re not chasing after God; marriages don’t last; people can’t stay affectionate forever; etc.
If you do all of this, and he’s still really reluctant to have sex, then perhaps he needs to see a counselor, because his problems could be much deeper than just believing lies.
He never initiates because he’s just too lazy
I have a commenter yesterday, when I was talking about how to get out of a sexual rut, saying her husband is just too lazy to initiate. They’ve talked about it, she’s done everything–but he won’t have sex or indeed do much of anything else because he’s lazy.
Lots of people are completely self-centered and focused on entertainment. Life becomes only about how I can have fun when I want to have fun.
We’re silently killing ourselves.
All destructive behaviour comes from two sources: selfishness or brokenness, and very often both together. Maybe a man is hurt when he’s younger because his dad ignores him or never tells him that he’s capable of anything. When parents never praise what a kid does, or ignore any effort a kid makes, then a child often stops making any effort. The essence of ourselves is our will–that part of us that decides what to do and acts. If our will is stifled growing up, we often become super passive.
This looks like laziness, and it is laziness–but it also goes beyond that.
People like this, who suffer from brokenness, then often turn to selfish things, too, spending all their lives on video games or netflix or anything they want to do that requires very little effort.
And when you have no will to do anything, it’s extremely hard to feel sexual. Our sexuality, at heart, is about our will–deciding to act.
What to do: Such a person needs to be confronted about their laziness and selfishness, but they also really may need a counselor, too, to deal with the root of the issue. They need to see that God loves them, even if their parents didn’t notice them.
He never initiates sex–but that’s okay
Finally, I want to give a slightly different perspective. One woman wrote in to me saying this:
I wanted to say to the woman who commented during the series about having a higher drive that she waits to see how long her husband will go before asking for sex, that that is a dangerous game to play, and it fills you with resentment and frustration toward your husband when instead you should be seeking to charitably meet his needs and simultaneously seek to communicate your own effectively. I used to want my husband to pursue me more (initiate) but I have found that I actually like it “my way” when I ease into it by cuddling and kissing him until I want it, (instead of just wanting to want it) and we can go slower and that is what really helps when you are pregnant or breastfeeding and you want to be interested but you just aren’t. If you initiate a slow safe time together on the couch or wherever and start thinking positively about your husband and work on talking and cuddling that can help you have the longer (sometimes very very very very much longer) time you need to get warmed up. If you initiate it can actually go slower and you can have more time for foreplay because you’re more in control and your husband will really like it, (woohoo!).
I don’t know how most men are, but if I turn my husband on, then he’s a green light. It seems if intimacy is a possibility then the power is in your hands as the wife, if sex is what you are after!
I think she raises a good point. If your husband doesn’t initiate sex, but if he tends to be good to go if you initiate it, then is it really a huge deal?
After all, there are some real benefits to initiating sex–since you can go slower and position things right and get yourself worked up.
I know that, as women, we like to feel desired and pursued, and we definitely do need to talk to our husbands about this. And if this initiating tug-of-war goes on too long, we often get into a sexual rut where we figure it’s not worth the hassle, and that’s where my 10 points from yesterday can really help.
But until then, ask yourself: is my husband not initiating a sign that there’s a deep problem in our marriage (scenario 1 above)? A deep problem in the way he sees God (scenario 2)? A deep problem in himself (scenario 3)? Or is it simply who he is, and it isn’t a huge deal? If it doesn’t represent a deep character issue or a deep spiritual issue, then perhaps deciding not to get too mad about it is the way to go.
Yes, keep talking about it. Work through the 31 Days to Great Sex, which helps you talk about this stuff and figure out how to initiate. Talk about the 10 tips I gave yesterday about how to make initiating easier. But in the end, if it isn’t a huge deal, then I’d say, decide to live with it. Initiate yourself, especially if he says yes when you do. It’s not the worst problem in a marriage!
Now it’s your turn! If you’re a blogger, link up a marriage post in the linky below! And then be sure to link back here so other people can read these great marriage posts, too!
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October 27, 2015
Top 10 Ways to Get Out of a Sexual Rut
How do you get out of a sexual rut? When you’re in the middle of a major rut in the bedroom, can you rediscover passion?
I received this question recently from a woman whose sex life has dried up, and I thought it would be a good one for Top 10 Tuesday:
My husband and I have been together for just over 10 years and we have 6 kids. For the first few years we had hot passionate sex. The last few years it’s all dropped off. My husband doesn’t even kiss me anymore. I do believe we both love each other deeply but our relationship is not physical as much as I’d like it to be. At first he said it was because he was afraid of being rejected, which I actually rarely did. Lately it feels like it’s an effort to get things going. He plays games and says he’s not interested but then every now and then he gets upset because we are not having sex. He hardly ever made the first move and for a long time there was a battle of who will do the first move. I think now we both are just too tired to play the game. It’s not fun! This is only part of the problem… I just don’t know how to get out of this vicious cycle? I tried to spice things up in the past but I got tired of it always being me making the effort. I’ve tried to talk to him about it and he is very stubborn about it all and it’s hard to get through? Help!!!
So here we go–I’m going to throw out 10 different ideas in the hopes that a few of them will be just what you’re looking for! So remember our Top 10 Tuesday philosophy: Don’t do all 10. Just read them like it’s a brainstorming session, and then choose one or two that you’ll latch on to and try to put in practice.
But first, I want to paint the picture of what’s caused this sexual rut, because a lot of couples go through this.
They’re busy. They don’t have a lot of time to connect during the day. The house revolves around the kids. Then evening comes and they head to bed. And as soon as you hit the pillow you start drifting off to sleep. But you think, “I wouldn’t mind having sex tonight.” You wonder if he wants it. You wonder what you should do about it. But the thought of having to seduce anyone sounds simply EXHAUSTING especially when you’re already drifting off.
If you could just start without having to feel someone out or try something elaborate to initiate, you would. But you wonder if it’s worth the effort when you’re so tired…
In this case, the letter writer sounds like the main issue isn’t spicing things up or being more adventurous in bed. It’s just getting into being excited about sex again!
Can you relate? Does that sound like your bedroom? So let’s see what they can do!
In a sexual rut? Here are 10 ways to break out of it in your marriage--and find passion again!
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1. Schedule Sex
It doesn’t sound romantic, I know. But if the “game” of figuring out are we going to tonight is just getting too tiring and demoralizing, then sometimes scheduling sex and knowing that “Tuesday nights and Saturday nights we’re going to rock each other’s worlds” can take the pressure off of having to try to get them in the mood. You both know it’s going to happen, so you both get ready.
Here’s a longer post on how scheduling sex works if you want to try it.
2. Head to bed half an hour earlier
So many of these problems in the bedroom could be solved if people simply weren’t as tired when they headed to bed! So try going to bed half an hour earlier. When you stay up playing computer games or watching Netflix, you may think you’re relaxing after a busy day. But then when you do get to bed you’re just so tired that anything else seems like too much effort!
Change your evening routine. The things that we do earlier in the evening often determine how that evening will go. So if your bedtime routine isn’t working, check out the few hours that lead up to bedtime. Maybe you need to start changing what you do then so that when you get to bed you’re not as tired!
3. Reserve a half hour earlier in the day to talk
Here’s another impediment to sex: before couples are often ready to make love, they feel like they should connect by talking. But if you’re tired to begin with, the thought of having to have a half hour conversation before you can even begin to try to initiate sex can make the whole thing seem like too much work.
So have that conversation earlier in the day! Get off of the games and Netflix and head out for a walk after dinner. Or tell the kids, “you guys get to clean up dinner while Mommy and Daddy get 20 minutes to ourselves in the living room–with no children bothering us.” I’ve known families that make that the rule. And kids get it after a while.
4. Create a signal that says, “I’m interested”
What is it that’s so exhausting about initiating sex? Is it that seeing if they’re interested seems like you have to jump through too many hoops? You have to try to romance them when it really should be a lot easier? Then create a signal together that says, “I’m interested if you are.” Friends of ours put candles on both bedside tables and if they were interested, they’d light the candle. It didn’t mean “we have to tonight”, but it did mean, “if you want to, you don’t have to go through that whole 15 minute seduction first.” We can get right to the foreplay!
5. Create a signal that says, “I’m NOT interested”
I like the candle idea, but I actually like this one more. I try to tell myself that my default is always “yes”. Sure, I’ll have sex tonight. After all, it helps me sleep better! But there are some nights that I really don’t want to, either because I’ve got too much on my mind or I really don’t feel well. And on those nights I’d like to let Keith know. He really doesn’t want to have sex if I’m not that into it, and I hate turning him down. So if you’re in that situation–where you’re more likely to say yes, but sometimes you just need to say no–then create a “No Trespassing” signal for those difficult nights.
Maybe you wear No Trespassing flannel pyjamas. Maybe you put in ear plugs. Just talk about it so the other spouse knows the signal!
One of our problems is that Keith thinks I’m giving him “no” signals when I’m not at all. I might complain during the day that I’m stressed or that I have a headache, and he thinks that means, “there’s no way she’s interested tonight.” But what it more likely means is, “take my mind off of all this stuff that’s running through my head!” But he doesn’t try anything, I’m too preoccupied to be the one that makes the effort, and we both go to sleep frustrated.
So I’ve had to learn to tell him, “this is not a NO signal. This is just me venting.” And now ear plugs are my signal that, “I’m going to sleep now.”
6. Try Morning Sex
If evening sex just isn’t working because you’re in this major sexual rut where you always do the same thing, neither one of you likes initiating sex, and it all seems like too much work–then try morning sex! Some people just have more energy in the morning. It’s lighter in the room. It starts the day off well.
Here’s a longer post on the benefits of morning sex for those of you who may want to try it!
7. Take turns being the “aggressor”–the more active one
This couple has gotten into this sexual rut largely because they’re both sick of trying to convince the other person to have sex. It really should be easier than this, shouldn’t it? And when you’re lying there thinking, do I have to reach out tonight?, you sometimes just give up.
We tell kids they have to take turns, so maybe you should take turns, too! If he initiates one night, then that means that it’s your turn to initiate the next night. And when it’s your turn, go all out! Start kissing him passionately. Put your all into it, because you know that next time he’s going to put his all into it.
Warning: for this to work, you each have to agree on the frequency that you’ll make love. If you decide, about 2-3 times a week is good, then it works fine. But if one of you wants 3 times a week and one wants 2 times a month, then going back and forth will backfire!
8. Be blunt
What is it that is stopping you from having sex? Is it feeling like you have to go through this whole seduction process? Is it wondering if they want to or not because they often turn you down? Is it feeling like you have to convince someone?
All of this can become a “game”, because you’re not really being upfront with someone. The seduction thing can be fun–if you’re on a romantic weekend together and you have a ton of time. But that can be tiring on a day-to-day basis.
We’d all benefit from some more open communication! How about talking with each other and just saying, “I think we’re not having sex as often because we’re always second guessing what the other is feeling. So how about when we get into bed, we just be upfront and honest.” And decide on what you can say, like, “I’m up for it totally!”, “Honestly, I wouldn’t mind tonight, but you may have to get me in the mood a bit because I have a lot on my mind,” or “I want to give you a gift–but I don’t think I’ll get into it tonight, and I’m okay with that.”
We think sex=seduction or else it’s not real. But if open communication means fewer mixed signals and more sex, even if it doesn’t seem as romantic, I’m all for it!
Just make sure that your spouse is able to be that blunt, and able to take it if you’re that blunt!
9. Add some humor
Sometimes you can get out of a sexual rut by adding some humor!
I’ve been talking with some of my married sex blogging friends, and one of the resources we’ve been looking for is a book on sexual positions that isn’t too graphic. Too many have pictures of actual people that are way too pornographic.
Or you get a book on the Kama Sutra that is too much focused on the Hindu religion behind it.
Well, I found something that I think is really quite funny. And it’s not pornographic.
It’s the Sock Monkey Kama Sutra.
That’s right–it’s pictures of sock monkeys in different positions! And while it’s called the Kama Sutra, it really doesn’t dwell on the religion. It talks more about sock monkeys, with lines like, “It is important that her partner support himself by holding her tail with both paws …”
So if you just need some humor, as well as some ideas for spicing things up, this may be a good addition! (Warning: of course the book isn’t perfect. No book like this can be. But it’s the cleanest that I have found, and the most unobjectionable. That doesn’t mean it’s totally unobjectionable. But I’m assuming you’re both married and you’re both adults, and so the stuff you don’t like you can just disregard.)
10. Try 31 Days to Great Sex
Finally, try my 31 Days to Great Sex! And I’m not saying that just to try to sell books, either.
I honestly wrote the book for just this situation. A couple is in a rut. Sex seems like too much work. Misunderstandings and mistrust has built up over the years and you’ve lost the fun.
31 Days to Great Sex helps you start at the beginning with fun exercises you can do together. But the best part, from what people tell me, is that they finally figure out how to talk about this stuff again. Whenever I speak I have women come up to me and whisper, “that book saved my marriage!”
Yes, there are exercises on how to make things spicy again. But there’s also exercises that help you talk about how to initiate, what to do if someone loses their libido, and how often you should make love. If you’re in a sexual rut, this can help you climb out of it!
So there you go–10 ideas to stop sex like feeling like so much work and too much of a game (in the bad sense). Choose 1-2 ideas and start trying them! Talk to your spouse about them. Often all it takes is one little change to make all the difference!
Now let me know in the comments: Do you find this “guessing game” of “are we going to or not” at the end of the day tiring? What do you do to get around it? What idea do you think would work best for you to help you out of a sexual rut?
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October 26, 2015
Give Yourself Time to Be Phenomenal!
Recently they asked me to have a small dinner party with some of the phenomenal women in my life, where we could sample Lean Cuisine and just plain have fun together. So I invited my mother, my mother-in-law, and two of my best friends over to my house for dinner on Saturday. We started with veggies and dip and some homemade salsa and tortilla chips, and we just started chatting.
As usual when women are all together, the topic of conversation became “what is wrong with the world and how we could all solve it if everybody else would ask for our advice.” And together we solved a lot of problems in the world! Unfortunately no one asked for our advice. Darn.
But what all of these women have in common is that we all have dedicated a lot of our lives to helping others who need help. We’re all caregivers.
My mother-in-law cares for her 90-year-old neighbour who is without family. She has spent countless hours in emergency rooms, in doctors’ offices, arguing with community health to get her more help, arguing with the hearing aid people, the housekeepers, and the pharmacies. She’s been an advocate for this poor woman, and it’s exhausting.
My mother has spent countless hours and days and weeks and months collecting items to be donated to a children’s home we support in Kenya–and she’s been there herself 8 times. She’s sacrificed the majority of her house as a depot for collecting stuff.
Another friend has been deeply involved in caring for children that desperately need help, and having some in her home, suffice it to say that she has gone above and beyond, and sacrificed so much it astounds me. And she does make a difference, even if she doesn’t always see it. And then another friend has carried the load of caring for her kids as her husband has spent a lot of his career working out of town during the week. She has helped many down and out find jobs, and has counseled people to be able to keep those jobs. And she is the first person that I would go to if I were in a jam. She’s one of the most generous people I know.
So there we all were, talking and laughing and solving the world’s problems. And what struck me is how much all of us want to make the world a better place.
Sometimes, though, that wanting to make the world a better place means that you’re forever running here and there on a moment’s notice. An emergency doctor’s appointment. A meeting you have to speak at. A friend needs help. And that’s where frozen meals can actually be a godsend.
I love cooking. Making dinner is one of my favourite activities. That time from 5-6 p.m. when I chop garlic and sauté veggies and scour cookbooks is one of the most peaceful and grounding hours of my day. It’s sacred to me. When my kids were younger, they knew to leave me alone then because I needed that time.
But even so, I always have a collection of meals in my freezer for those nights when I just don’t have time to cook, even if I wanted to, and I don’t want to resort to phoning for pizza. My friend Lisa and my mom both talked about how they often used Lean Cuisine when they were working and didn’t have time to make a lunch.
And then we sampled all five!
Lean Cuisine has four different lines of products:
Marketplace – For times when women seek modern foods and chef-inspired offerings
Craveables – Includes indulgent, casual food you would find at a neighborhood bar, such as pizza and sandwiches, and features many items that are high in protein
Comfort – Perfect when only comforting, home-cooked flavors will satisfy
Favorites – Includes enduring “favorite recipes” such as Spaghetti with Meatballs and other popular, existing recipes
We were asked to sample four specifically from the Marketplace collection:
Pomegranate Chicken
This dish is high-protein, gluten free and includes no preservatives – it also includes 15% daily value of vitamin C
Vermont White Cheddar Mac & Cheese
This dish is made with pasta, organic butter and no GMOs
Sweet and Spicy Korean-Style Beef
This dish is high protein, gluten free and includes no preservatives – it also packs 15g of protein for lots of energy
Spicy Beef and Bean Enchilada
This dish is made using ingredients that are naturally gluten-free and no preservatives
And then I added another one just for fun, so we had five dishes! We threw in a Sweet & Sour Chicken, too. Many of Lean Cuisine’s new products are gluten free, and they’re really focusing on people’s unique eating challenges while still trying to make food that’s tasty.
We all decided that the beef dish was our favourite, although we liked all of them. I preferred the chicken dishes; others preferred the pasta. But they really were all quite yummy.
We got them all ready in the kitchen and then moved into the dining room to keep talking.
It was honestly the easiest dinner party I ever had–I just cut up veggies, made some dip, and then heated up Lean Cuisine! And everyone agreed it was super fun. Of course, the chocolate cake and tea for dessert didn’t hurt either.
One of the best parts: I didn’t even clean up before they all came over. I mean, they’re all practically family (and some are family!). They know what my house looks like normally anyway. So just come over and we’ll chat and eat food! Super fun.
It reminded me of three things:
All of us are busy and are carrying so many concerns on our shoulders. We really need to pray for each other and make time just to chat more and keep up with each other’s lives. We all need the support.
We women have a lot of fun when we get together. We should do it more often!
Having people over doesn’t have to be a lot of work.
Here is the Lean Cuisine product locator so that you can see where exactly they sell these specific dishes in your area!
You can also connect with Lean Cuisine on Facebook and Twitter.
So tell me: Who are the phenomenal women in your life? Leave a comment for a chance to win a $100 Visa gift card from Lean Cuisine, thanks to SheKnows!
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October 23, 2015
Sleep is a Marriage Issue
I have a new feature every Friday, where I try to give a 400-word inspirational message about marriage. Here’s something I found in 2008 that I thought I’d rerun for today, because it goes so well with my article yesterday on the best time of day to argue with your husband. So here goes–Get some sleep!
Sheila’s Marriage Moment: Get Some Sleep!
Last week I couldn’t sleep. One night I went to bed at 11, woke up at 1, and that was it. I watched the clock until 8:00.
Throughout the day I tried to nap, but to no avail.
And guess what? Keith and I had a huge fight that night. I don’t remember what we fought about, but I know it was big. So big that my 10-year-old daughter informed my best friend that she was kind of tired today because Mommy and Daddy woke her up fighting last night.
I berated myself all day, I prayed for forgiveness, I asked Katie to forgive me, and I was so nice to my husband (and he was nice to me). We went out to dinner, we completely made up, and everything was fine.
Until last night. I had a really busy day homeschooling the kids, and I was feeling overwhelmed. And so, once the kids were in bed, I started pestering my husband about his schedule.
I don’t know why I do this, but sometimes you just start attacking, and it’s like you’re outside of your body. You can watch yourself on a collision course, and you can’t seem to stop.
Now, we didn’t deteriorate last night. We stopped before it got too bad. But I was heading in that direction, and it took deep breaths and time outs to get back on track.
What was the common denominator in those events? I was really tired. Keith and I don’t tend to fight when we’re alert. We fight when we’re tired or stressed.
That’s one reason I think it’s incredibly important that women guard their sleep time. Get to bed at a decent hour every night. That’s not always possible, especially with young children, but do your best to train them to sleep so that you can sleep.
And say no to things! Don’t let yourself feel overwhelmed, like I did yesterday. I’ve had to start saying no to the girls when they want me after 8:00. That’s the only time of the day I get time to myself, and I need it.
So that’s my advice for you this week: learn how to say no, and get some sleep. Then, if you’re tired and you feel yourself going down a really dangerous road with your husband, stop, and suggest that you sleep on it. It’s amazing how the next morning you’ll realize how whatever it was you were upset about really doesn’t matter!
Sleep is a marriage issue. When we sleep better, we fight less. So get some sleep!
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#1 NEW Post on the Blog: How to Help A Friend Stop Being A Doormat
#1 on the Blog Overall: Top 10 Tips to Initiate Sex With Your Husband
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Why Do We Say Sick as a Dog?
I’m sick. Really sick. It’s been ages since I’ve actually been sick (likely more than 2 years). So I really have very little to complain about.
But my husband is on this conference and we’re staying in this lovely hotel and I’m SICK. I’m stuck here in this room and I’m feeling miserable.
And so I thought, “why do we say, ‘sick as a dog’?” Are dogs particularly sickly? And while we’re at it, why are we “healthy as a horse”? Are horses healthier than other animals? And why do we “sleep like a baby”? I don’t remember my babies sleeping particularly well.
Anyway, I’m just wondering that. Between Kleenexes.
Look How Beautiful Autumn Is!
I haven’t updated my Instagram this week because I’m sick. I debated putting up a Kleenex box with a whole lot of used Kleenexes but I thought that would be gross.
But despite my illness, the world outside is really quite beautiful.
And so I’m going to leave you with a picture my daughter Katie posted. This is what it looks like in my neck of the woods right now:
October 22, 2015
The Best Time of Day to Argue with Your Husband
Today Joanne Kraft, author of The Mean Mom’s Guide to Raising Great Kids, joins us to talk about how she learned a key lesson about resolving conflict!
I’m a morning person. This is the time of day that puts me in a good mood. And, if everyone will stay asleep for a few hours while I soak in the silence and drink a cup of coffee my joy is complete. I’m sitting on my front porch right now with a warm mug full of deliciousness. I’m watching birds flutter by and trying to ignore the fact my youngest son didn’t sweet up the sidewalk like I asked yesterday.
This is my time. Mornings. A little slice of heaven for me.
Paul on the other hand is a night person. Or as I like to say, I’m a morning glory and he’s a night owl. This can be quite a point of contention if we argue…ahem…debate a topic. We learned this very early on in our marriage. I can still remember the exact moment. While I don’t remember our heated discussion, I’m sure I was right.
Both of us were sitting on our old green couch. The one every parent buys when their kids are young–to hide crayons and ketchup stains. Yeah, you know the one. We were going back and forth and my mind wasn’t keeping up with my mouth. Paul on the other hand seemed to get more articulate …..and then I called him something terrible.
Silence.
His eyes were like saucers.
Time stood still.
Then we started to laugh.
It was 11:30pm. I knew then and there that the scripture, “Don’t let the sun go down on your anger,” was going to be a tough one for me to fulfill if future heated conversations occurred after 8pm.
Almost eighteen years later, we know our strengths and weaknesses.
Mine is a late hour and Mad Hatter conversation. I don’t make much sense after dinner. I throw down like a cowboy at a rap concert. We both know this. So, if we begin a discussion about kids or finances or the fact that someone didn’t put the toilet seat down I need to hold my tongue until the morning.
Anger will never produce a clear thought out result.
Take a ten minute break, take a walk, then come back when emotions are in check. For us, that’s between the hours of 6am and 6pm.
You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry. James 1:19
Maturity in your marriage means self control. You aren’t in high school anymore. Controlling our emotions is what separates us from the animal kingdom.
Pick the right time to talk about something hard.
Just because something needs to be said doesn’t mean it needs to be said in front of the kids or the very second the mood strikes. Stop and pray then choose wisely your time to talk. When your husband is in the shower or half asleep in his recliner, that probably isn’t the best time.
Just because it needs to be said doesn't mean you must say it the second you think it.
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When you plan the best time of day for both of you, you’re more prepared and not taken hostage by emotions or a spur of the moment sparring event. The moment a discussion becomes heated or the volume in your voice is getting louder, there’s nothing wrong with calling a time-out and saying, “How about we talk about this in a few hours?” or, whenever your sweet spot is to discuss something important without a bad attitude induced by being tired or hungry.
After all, we plan and prepare for all sorts of things for the best outcomes, why not an argument?
The truth is, every time Paul and I have planned to argue we come back together to debate and to reason and there’s no argument at all.
What about you? When is the best time of day for you argue with your husband–to have hard conversations?
Joanne Kraft is a mom of four and the author of Just Too Busy—Taking Your Family on a Radical Sabbatical and her recent book
The Mean Mom’s Guide to Raising Great Kids. She’s a favorite speaker at women’s conferences and has been a guest on Focus on the Family, Family Life Today and CBN.
Her articles have appeared in ParentLife, Today’s Christian Woman, In Touch, Thriving Family, P31 Woman and more. Joanne and her husband, Paul, recently moved their family from California to Tennessee and happily traded soy milk and arugula for sweet tea and biscuits.
Download your FREE Mean Mom Bill of Rights at JoanneKraft.com.
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October 21, 2015
Wifey Wednesday: How to Help a Friend Stop Being a Doormat
What do you do if your friend lets her husband treat her horribly? How can you help her stop being a doormat?
It’s Wednesday, the day when we always talk marriage! And today I want to talk about what to do if you notice that a marriage around you has some very unhealthy patterns of behaviour.
As most of my regular readers know, I’m a big believer that God’s primary goal for all of us is that we become transformed into the likeness of Jesus Christ (Romans 8:29). Too often in Christian circles, however, submission is taught to women in a way that enable both husband and wife to look less and less like Jesus all the time.
That was one of the themes of my new book, 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage. God doesn’t want us covering so much for other people that we actually encourage them to act in ungodly ways.
Today I want to share a story with you that I heard from a follower of my Facebook page, and then we’ll take a few lessons from it.
The woman writes:
I have a friend who I really like. We were not close, but we got along well. We were both stay at home moms and went to the same church. We also lived on the same side of town so we started hanging out together.
The more we got to know each other the more I liked her, as a close friend, but her husband I could not stand. He just was not a man that could treat his wife with respect or be responsible. He floated from job to job, and eventually quitting his job right after they bought a house so he could start a small business. He always did everything half-way, sloppily, and it always made things hard for her, because she not only had to raise her four and try to homeschool; she had to do a lot around the business.
I would always come to help her clean, help them move the multiple times they moved, etc….but I did it to help her.
Over the years the house would always get messier no matter how much I helped to clean because he always undid all the progress. It got really frustrating but I kept helping because I wanted to help her.
The last straw occurred right after she had her 5th baby. They could not afford their house and moved in with her parents, living with them for about 6 months. She had her fifth baby via C-section. It had been a hard, difficult labor and the section was a last minute emergency. She was sent home to recover at her parents’ house.
Three days after the baby was born, the day after she came home, she called asking if I could come be with her because her parents needed to go somewhere and her hubby was not there and she couldn’t get up to take care of the other four kids. I assumed he had to go back to work so I came right over. I loved babies, wanted to spend time with her, and I did it happily.
Happily, that is, until I got the kids fed, tucked into bed, and then went to chat with her. Then I learned that her husband was not at work. He was at an all-day movie marathon with friends.
She said he had been working so hard the past 3 months, and he really wanted to go to get a break, she just didn’t have the heart to ask him to stay home.
Mind you: she just had a baby via c section; she had four kids 7 and under; and they have been living with her parents for the past year. And he went to the movies all day long because he wanted a break.
And she couldn’t tell him no….
She even called him in between movies and asked him to come home because she was tired and wanted to sleep but couldn’t sleep without him there. He told her to take a sleeping pill.
What man tells his wife to take a sleeping pill to sleep when there would be no one else there to take care of the newborn??
That is when I realized that all I was doing was making it easy for her to be a doormat. My being there, my helping her clean, my helping them move many times, was just helping to clean up messes he made and didn’t want to be responsible for so she wouldn’t have to put her foot down.
If a friend is acting like a doormat, sometimes the worst thing you can do is help.
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This story makes me so sad. And so let’s just look at a few things:
1. People Should Reap What They Sow
One of God’s primary methods to help people learn character lessons is the principle of reaping and sowing. You should feel the consequences of your actions.
Unfortunately, in many relationships, one person is sowing laziness and irresponsibility, but they aren’t reaping the consequences of it. Others disrupt the law of sowing and reaping by stepping in and rescuing, and they stop any benefit from it.
As this woman learned, her friend’s husband was sowing crisis after crisis, but she was the one reaping it, as was the wife. She had to stop what she was doing so that the husband would be forced to deal with the consequences of his actions.
Helping people out is an extremely Christian thing to do. If a friend or relative is in crisis, of course be there for them. Of course let them in your home.
But if that crisis is of their own making–like if a husband is too lazy to work, for instance–and they are doing nothing at all to fix it, then stepping in doesn’t actually solve the problem. It just creates more.
2. Some Women Need to Grow Up
This sounds harsh, I know. But what does it mean to grow up? Growing up means taking responsibility and stepping up to the plate. It means realizing that you have choices and then starting to make appropriate choices.
Many women are simply not grown up–and often for very good reason. They grew up in homes where life was chaotic, and so they often felt helpless. They couldn’t make choices or make their lives better because they never knew what was coming around the corner. Making plans, working towards a goal, accomplishing something–these were all quite foreign because of the family situation.
Many women in these situations are drawn to men who are also irresponsible. This husband, for instance, sounds like he talks a good talk and he is the life of the party, but he doesn’t actually do anything or accomplish anything either. But she was likely seduced by how charismatic he was. And by him being domineering, she felt safe. She didn’t have to make decisions again. He would make all the decisions. Life felt comfortable, like what she was used to, even if it wasn’t good.
Then, as life started spiralling downhill, and her husband became increasingly irresponsible, she likely became more and more forlorn. The worse things got, the more helpless she felt. She’d make excuses for him (as she did to the friend who wrote me), rather than facing the truth. She won’t let herself get angry, because feeling anger means that she would also have to act on that anger, and acting is the one thing that is far too scary to do. So she just withdraws, retreats, shrinks, and copes less and less.
If you want to be a friend to someone like this, and to help her stop being a doormat, then coach her on how to set boundaries early, before the crisis happens. Teach her how to talk to her husband. Encourage her to see a counselor.
And then start preparing her to look out for herself. Make it a long-term project to help her get training in case she has to support herself and her kids. Quite frankly, if her husband won’t earn an income, she will have to. Somebody has to support those kids. So she will have to grow up in a hurry.
3. We Need More Community
So many of these situations could be fixed, I think, if we reached out more as couples and got to know other couples in our churches, so that when there was a crisis, a couple could come alongside them and say, “this isn’t acceptable.” We need men to talk to men and tell them to man up.
More marriages would be saved if men could stand aside other men and tell them to 'man up'.
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And then, if he won’t man up, as a church community we need to be there to support families as they try to build a life for themselves. We need churches who will call this guy at the movie theatre and say, “Your wife needs you. What you are doing is selfish and is unsafe for your wife and your kids. If you don’t come home to help, then we will have to remove your wife and kids from your home and take them into ours to give them a safe place to be. We want that safe place to be with you, and we will do all we can to help you. But their safety is our main priority, and so if you don’t step up the plate, we will have to.” If more churches did that, fewer couples would be in crisis.
4. You Can’t Help Everyone
Finally, this is the hard one. If you have a dear friend that you care for so much, likely you can see all the steps that she should be taking to make life better for her and her kids. And you want her to do those things so desperately.
But she can’t do them because she is not you. She doesn’t have your background. She’s not used to taking responsibility. And the thought of acting–of actually making a decision–likely scares her to death.
If you have prayed, counseled, and helped pave the way for her to build a better life, and she doesn’t take it–that’s not on you. And sometimes we have to move on.
Sometimes there is one person who is sapping so much of your emotional, spiritual and physical energy, and it needs to stop. There’s a principle in Scripture of “shaking the dust off of your feet”. If you told people the truth, and they don’t accept it, you shake the dust off and you move to the next town where maybe they will listen to you. And the guilt is on the people who won’t listen; it’s not on you for not doing enough.
It’s hard to let go, especially when a friend is in a dire situation. But ultimately they need to decide to change, and you can’t do it for them.
Do you have a friend who is acting like a doormat? Have you ever had a friendship like this one? What did you do? Let me know in the comments!
Now it’s your turn! If you’re a blogger, leave the URL of a marriage post in the linky below to get some blog traffic. And then be sure to link back here so other people can see these awesome posts!
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