Sheila Wray Gregoire's Blog, page 175

Why is He Stressing About THAT? Bearing Each Other’s Burdens

Does your husband obsess over things you think are silly? Does he think you worry about nothing?

Maybe it’s time to bear with each other!

And today, on Wifey Wednesday, guest poster Sarah Ball is going to do just that! Sarah writes the awesome blog Virtuous Woman Exposed, and she’s helping me today as I can’t write a post since I’m in an RV driving to Winnipeg!

Here’s Sarah:

What keeps you up at night? Well, besides bad Chinese food, a new season of Nashville, and sounds of your naughty garbage digging puppy dealing with the bad Chinese food. The one thing that keeps me tossing and turning at night are my kids–specifically their hearts.

My husband on the other hand, can saw logs faster than a caffeinated beaver, even after a stressful kid day. What keeps him up at night are our bills, rising gas prices and school fees.

If he shares these stresses with me, my response is usually “it will be fine it’s only money, it will all work out.” I rarely lose sleep over finances.

If I share my “they’re all going to need therapy!” woes with him, he gives me a less than concerned, “they’re fine, this is normal kid stuff.”

Often these sleep-robbing stresses will be our main points of arguments.

I need him to spend more quality time with his boys, and he needs me to stop ‘browsing’ Amazon. It can also be the root of our judgments and criticism towards one another. “Why are you always so hard on your son?” or “Do you seriously need another pair of shoes?”

The point is, sometimes our conflict is really about the burdens we feel and each carry, and our lack of empathy.

Burdens are those worries, and heavy feelings of responsibility that weigh us down. Usually a burden is met with intense anxiety, and a need to control the particular burden. Our greatest burdens are usually what we measure success and failure by. For example, if my children are happy and behaving well, then I feel amazing as a mother. If the bills are paid and there is enough money for brand named Kraft Dinner then my husband is strutting around like a Canadian Curling Club Champion.

Its okay for couples to have separate burdens. Not much would get accomplished as a family if both parents were rocking in the fetal position over a bad report card. However, our separate burdens in marriage can either drive us apart or bring us closer together.

It's okay to have separate burdens with your husband. But make sure you carry them together! @virtuouswomanX
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So how do we allow burdens to strengthen our marriage and not divide it?

1. Understand which burdens your spouse carries the most. What do they complain about the most, what affects their self esteem the most? What do they criticize you about the most?

2. Acknowledge to your spouse that you know they carry the weight of this certain burden, and thank them for carrying it.

3. Ask what you can do to relieve the burden for them. God says we are to carry one another’s burdens and this includes our spouses. Take an interest in their burdens, by asking them how it’s going and if there is anything you can do to help alleviate it.

4. Don’t take their burden lightly. In the future, don’t say things like – “It’s not that big of a deal,” because it is to them. Just like your burdens are to you. Try to hear them out.

5. In conflict, try to recognize if it’s their burden that is igniting the fight, or even if it’s your own burden that has you on the attack. Recognizing that it’s the burden talking can help bring some perspective and empathy into the argument. “Many marriages would be better if the husband and the wife clearly understood that they are on the same side.” ~ Zig Ziglar

6. Pray for one another’s burdens. Pray for your spouse that they will have strength and wisdom over the heavy responsibilities they carry. Also pray that God would show you how to help.

A marriage that shares burdens together is a marriage that deepens and lasts.

Sarah Ball is the blogger behind Virtuous Woman Exposed , a columnist, freelance writer and mother of 5 children ages 4-15 and she’s exhausted just writing that. Her passion is to see women set free from shame, fear and bondage. She wants you to know that you can hold your head up high knowing they you are a precious daughter of God.  You can visit her blog at http://www.virtuouswomanexposed.com and you can follow her on FACEBOOK & TWITTER

Now it’s your turn! Do you have a marriage post to share with us? Just link up the URL of that post in the linky below! And then be sure to link back here so others can read these great posts. It’s a great way to get traffic for your blog!

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The Decluttering Fight

 
Can you win the decluttering fight with your husband if you’re married to a packrat?

Today’s guest post is from Sherry Gareis, author of Declutter Now! She’s going to share with us ten questions you can ask while you’re decluttering that can help avoid that big decluttering blow-out.

Decluttering, in and of itself, is tough stuff. Finding the time and energy to sort through personal belongings and deciding what to part with can be a taxing process. The challenge multiplies if you’re decluttering with your spouse. Even the most agreeable and workable couples can run into snags. But mix in an unhappy, unhelpful, fearful, or argumentative husband, and the stress level can quickly escalate.

There is a major rule that we, at Declutter Now!, teach and try to live by:

“You cannot declutter for someone else.”

I’m so grateful for this rule because while he won’t admit it, sometimes my husband, Lindon, tries to declutter for me – and I’m NOT having it! This boundary keeps us in line, just as much as it helps the people we coach.

One of our first decluttering tasks was to tackle my desk. More of a ‘collector’ (you understand this ladies, right?) at heart than Lindon, he didn’t see the need for the overwhelming stacks of papers and files I kept. Frankly, there wasn’t a ‘need’ for most of it, but I had to uncover that truth at my own pace. Sometimes ‘stuff’ represents WAY MORE than just ‘stuff’, and this was definitely true for some of the clutter that invaded and took over my desk. I was attached to the security of keeping old records and fearful at the prospect of letting go of these letters, documents, notes, etc.

What IF I needed them someday?

Hmmm….with the bulk of my ‘collection’ ranging from 10 – 20 years old, and largely untouched, I was definitely convicted when attempting to support my argument.

Luckily for Lindon, I was ready, and we made much progress on that first decluttering journey together. I want you to be reassured, though, that I understand the nature of this personal process. Even when critically necessary, it cannot be rushed.

Encouraged and supported? Absolutely!

Rushed? Not a good idea!

So how do spouses successfully declutter when items are community property or areas are common living space?

Fight?

That’s not a solution!

Pray?

SURE. But even the most committed prayer warrior isn’t going to clean out a closet just by praying about it.

Give Up?

NEVER. Throwing in the towel isn’t an answer.

You must take steps to ensure that decluttering is both courteous and productive. The secret? Constant communication – before, during, and after you declutter! So here are 10 discussion questions that can help you as you declutter:

3 Discussion questions BEFORE you start to declutter:

What area(s), specifically, do we plan to tackle?
Why are we decluttering? Is it a space we want to repurpose for another use? Are there boxes of memorabilia that need to be sifted through? Are we decluttering to gather items for our next yard sale so we can make a few bucks? Having a clear objective from the get-go will go a long way in aiding decision-making as you begin to work through the process.
What type of items do we intend to toss? Donate? Keep? Sell?  Are we going hardcore or is this a light run-through? Will we each work on just our own stuff or will we sort through everything together?

4 Discussion questions AS you declutter:

Why do you want to keep that particular item? What’s most important about this question is how you say it. If it comes out of your mouth as, “Why in the world would you want to keep that piece of garbage?” you’re going to get nowhere fast! Be sure your tone conveys sincerity.

For an item of sentimental value – Is there a way we can better honor it rather than just having it packed away? Is there someone else in the family who might appreciate this item more than we do?

For broken items, discuss whether or not it’s advantageous to splurge on the cost of repairs.
How can we compromise? Perhaps we can each keep something ‘just cuz’, and then we’ll also each decide to get rid of something we know has no value or use. You’d be surprised how many things of ‘no value or use’ get kept for years and years and do nothing but collect dust and take up space. Even the seemingly meaningless can be a source of dissension.
What can we do to motivate each other and reinforce the value of the process? While you work, have fun dreaming about the end result – more space to enjoy, extra money, a feeling of accomplishment, etc. Use words of encouragement to keep each other going along the way and to see the task through to fruition.
How are we going to handle a difference of opinion? Convey a heart of compassion and muster up every ounce of empathy you’ve got. Consider what it would feel like if your spouse wanted to get rid of something very special to you. If at a total impasse, set the item aside and agree on a time limit with which to revisit the conversation. Perhaps enlist the help of a trusted friend. Sometimes a few brainstorming ideas from someone not directly impacted by the decision can do the trick.

3 Discussion questions AFTER you are done decluttering:

How did it go? Not just in terms of actual physical progress, but how do we feel? Peaceful? Free? Accomplished? Did we achieve our goal?
What would we do differently next time? In fact, what is our next decluttering project?
How can we stay decluttered in the future?

Do you see a theme here? Talk, talk, talk, talk, talk. Open, honest, and compassionate conversation can make the difference between decluttering triumph and abysmal failure.

Overcoming Objections to Decluttering

Perhaps you have misgivings about decluttering with your man. Are there some sensitive areas to address but you’ve been hesitant to broach the subject? Even the closest of couples can encounter ‘touchy subjects’.

If your husband is nervous or resistant to the idea of decluttering, print out this list and use me as the instigator of discussion. Yes, I’m serious! Sometimes it’s easier to get the ball rolling if the prompts and directions are coming from someone outside the camp.

But what if the problem goes deeper than just working together and finding common ground during the process? Perhaps one of you has a severe clutter or hoarding problem? I advise to treat this as seriously as any other destructive, life-debilitating, marriage-destroying issue. Seek help.

The degree of help needed is dependent on the extent of the problem, but consider self-help material, life coaches who specialize in decluttering (Yours Truly!), and counseling.

The Benefits of Decluttering

For most situations, though, decluttering can be fun! Bonding and unification occur at the heart level when you and your spouse work as a team. There’s no greater feeling than when hurdles are overcome and positive results are realized together.

Decluttering, in and of itself, is rewarding enough.  Partnering together, declaring victory over clutter, and feeling the peace and freedom which comes from a job well done is gratifying on its own. But enjoying the benefits as a couple can quickly take decluttering from just a task or to-do on your list to a life-changing, marriage-enriching, incredible experience.

Lindon and Sherry Gareis, founders of Action Plan Ministries, debut their writing career with Declutter Now! They are small group leaders and certified Christian Life Coaches from Glendale, AZ with hearts that desire to serve God in a mighty way.

Win an Kindle version of Declutter Now!, along with the Kindle study guide, by commenting below, answering this question: What’s the hardest part of decluttering with your husband? I’ll draw two random winners Sunday, September 27 at midnight EST.

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I Hate it When My Husband Touches Me THERE

“Help! I hate my breasts being touched!”

Every Monday I like to take a Reader Question and take a stab at answering it. Here’s one that I think we don’t talk about very much: what do you do if there’s one part of your body that you absolutely HATE being touched during sex? One woman writes:

My husband is obsessed with my breasts and I loathe having them touched 49 times out of 50. If, and it’s a big if, I am super super in the mood I can tolerate them being kissed if it’s brief and there are no hands involved. As soon as they get grabbed/brushed/rubbed/whatever, I at the minimum am set way back on the “in the mood” scale and at worst go absolutely cold and want him to get away from me immediately. For 6 years I’ve been telling him to leave my breasts alone and for 6 years almost daily he has been making grabs at them and more recently telling me I’m withholding.

He’s a wonderful husband, but why can’t I have one thing that I am allowed to say “I’m not comfortable with that”? No reasoning or excuse has made any difference to him in what he feels is his God-given right. Most women ARE turned on by it…but I’m not one of them. On the contrary, it’s a huge turn off. He’s not rough or mean or anything. He’s a wonderful man. I just hate being touched there. (Side note: nursing children felt like a huge amount of self sacrifice for the same reason so it’s not an issue with my husband). He wants me to just get over it. How?! Just tolerate something that I despise just to make him happy? Then what? How can I get in the mood when I want to bolt from the room? I have no issues with being touched elsewhere and he’s always considerate in virtually every other area of our marriage. This one “small” issue has become a big hang up for us and I just don’t know what to do anymore.

From,

The wife who flunks at foreplay

You’re Not Alone! Many Women Don’t Like Being Touched in Certain Places

First I want to say, loudly and clearly: You’re not alone. Many women find parts of their bodies are just off-limits sexually. For some it may be breasts; for others it may be just the nipple; for some it may be him inserting his fingers inside the vagina. (True story: every Girl Talk I give I have a Q&A part where I answer anonymous questions. I once had a woman ask, “I know guys like sticking their fingers “up there”, but it creeps me out. Why does my husband have to make it seem like he’s digging for gold or something?” At the time the question was funny, but I certainly felt for her).

I can’t tell this particular woman what to do because I don’t know enough of the story, but I’d like to give 4 big picture questions to think about, and then some tips for where to go from here.

Check Your Past

Sometimes certain body parts (or certain acts, like oral sex, for instance) are really creepy for us because of past abuse, or past things we’ve seen on TV or in movies when we are at certain ages that scarred us. We may also feel deep shame about certain parts of our bodies. When it comes to breasts, for instance, many women with larger breasts were mortified when they were 11 or 12 when the breasts started to grow, and no one else in their class at school had them. So they became a source of ridicule.

And then, as you got older, perhaps guys would fixate on them–even older men. It made you feel dirty. It made you think men were disgusting. It made you feel repulsed.

Today, when your husband that you love touches you there, it throws you back to that time when you were totally repulsed and creeped out.

This is NOT the case for everyone who hates their breasts being touched or who hates another body part being touched, but it can be quite common.

Basically you’ve developed what’s almost a phobia of it. And you CAN get over phobias. More on that in a minute.

Check the Control Issue

Is it that you hate having your breasts touched or that you hate someone else touching your breasts? I’ve had letters from women with both scenarios. One woman, for instance, couldn’t stand it if someone else touched her breasts, but could handle it if she did. Another woman freaked when her husband tried to insert his fingers into her vagina–but she couldn’t do it either.

Check the Timing

Often things that we REALLY don’t like suddenly become pleasurable right before orgasm. So you may think you don’t like your breasts touched (and you legitimately don’t), but when you’re really aroused suddenly you do. Similarly, many women find their nipples too sensitive to touch, but just before orgasm they actually want them sucked or pinched. But they may not know that about themselves until they check! So you may want to just check that out–is it a timing thing? Or is it truly all the time?

Check Your Sensitivity

There’s a difference between being completely grossed out and simply not being turned on. Is it that being touched makes you want to run for cover and scream (like this woman here), or is that when he touches your breasts, for instance, it does nothing for you and you start to make a shopping list in your head instead? Is it that it repulses you, or is it that it’s just not sexual for you?

What To Do When You Hate Your Breasts Being Touched (or something else being touched)

Now let’s move on to some solutions and ideas which may help. Not all of these may apply to you; choose the ones you think you can handle.

Have “His” Nights and “Her” Nights

Have one Saturday (or whenever) that’s his a month, and one that’s yours, and then every other time you make love it’s for both of you. And on “his” nights he can do what he wants to his heart’s content, but on the other nights he doesn’t. If you can get in the mood of saying, “this is for him and it’s a gift I’m giving him just tonight” that can help.

Even if you’re really repulsed, knowing that it’s only one or two nights a month and not all the time can help you mentally deal with it. Also, when you know it’s “his” nights there’s not the same effort to get in the mood yourself. You can totally throw yourself into it for him. And then the repulsion may not be as great (if that’s what you feel) because it’s not supposed to be turning you on. When it is supposed to be sexual, it actually makes the repulsion worse.

Take Control and Put on a Show

If you can’t stand other people touching you there (wherever it may be), then one possible route may be to do it yourself while he watches. Lather up some cream on your hands and rub it on your breasts slowly for foreplay.

If you need to be in control, then take that control. Even hold his hands while he touches you, so you guide his hands so you’re still in control. And the more you do this, the more the phobia may go away–or the more you may realize that that part of your body can be pleasurable, because when you’re in control you’re able to focus on it at your leisure.  There’s not the pressure of wondering, “what in the world is he going to do next?”

Talk to a Psychologist About a Phobia

If it really is to the level that you can’t stand being touched at all, then I’d suggest talking to a psychologist about it–a psychologist who has treated people for phobias (like phobias of spiders, phobias of dirt, etc.) Don’t just talk to one who wants to analyze you; talk to someone who will take you through exercises to get actually deal with this phobia.

Many people don’t find certain body parts pleasurable that most people find pleasurable–some women find nipples a turn off because they’re too sensitive, or can’t stand being manually stimulated on the clitoris for the same reason. But that’s very different from freaking any time someone touches a breast. So if it’s to the point where it’s really impeding your relationships and your sexuality, don’t settle for that! Deal with it. Christ came to set us free, and something is holding you back from what you were designed for. It doesn’t always have to be like that.

Talk to Your Husband

Finally, talk to your husband really openly about this. In this woman’s case it sounds like her husband is completely disregarding her feelings, and I think that some compromise (like the his nights and her nights) is definitely warranted. Say something like,

“I want our sex life to be great, but this is something which is a real stumbling block for me. When you touch me there, it makes me really panicky. So here’s what I’d like to do: I’d like to look at ways that we can slowly help me to feel more comfortable. I’m going to try to figure out the root and try to deal with the phobia. I’m going to give you certain days when you can certainly touch them, and other days when I’ll do a bit of a show. But I also need you to give me space and love. I’m not cutting you off entirely, but I need space to feel comfortable and figure this out. If you can’t give me that space, then I don’t think I’ll ever be comfortable with this and it will be a constant struggle in our marriage.

Sex is for both of us, and by touching me there all the time you are robbing me of my sexuality. Like I said, I want to give you some times to enjoy my breasts, but for now, as I seek healing, it has to be on my terms. I’d ask you to do this out of love for me and out of respect for our relationship, for the health of it and for the future of our sexual life together.”

Keep those lines of communication open, and talk to him honestly about what you feel now, what you hope to feel in the future, and your plans to get there. If he knows that you’re trying and that you want this too, then hopefully you can work towards feeling more comfortable together!

If you’re having trouble communicating about sex and what you want and what makes you feel comfortable, my book 31 Days to Great Sex can help! It’s a 31-day challenge that you do with your husband. And don’t worry: you do not have to have sex for 31 days straight! Many of the challenges just help you to talk about it, sometimes for the first time. It’s easy, it’s low key, and you’ll learn how to talk together, dream together, address libido differences, be more affectionate, figure out how to make it feel good for HER, spice things up, and keep the momentum going. The big benefit that many women have said to me is that “we finally were able to talk!” So this will help women in this situation, too!

Have you ever been through this in your marriage? Is something a huge turn-off for you that most people like? Let me know in the comments how you dealt with it! (and you can be anonymous, of course).

31 Days to Great Sex is here (only $4.99!) It's the best $5 you'll ever spend on your marriage!

Learn to talk more, flirt more, and even explore more! You'll work on how to connect emotionally, spiritually, AND physically.

Find out more

The Wedding Pics Are Up! An InstaUpdate

We’ve been on the road now for over a week in our RV.

And it’s been super fun! We’ve been staying at KOA campgrounds (which all have wifi) so that I can work while on the road.

And we’ve been hiking, birdwatching, and getting me ready to speak!

Tonight I’m in Terre Haute, Indiana. Tomorrow I’m leading several workshops at MOMCon. And then on Monday I’m in Clare, Missouri.

And in the middle of all that, my daughter got the wedding pictures back from her nuptials in July. So today I thought I’d give you a glimpse into our lives via Instagram, and show you what’s been happening to me this week!

But first…

What’s #1 at To Love, Honor and Vacuum?

#1 NEW Post on the Blog: 10 Ways to Stop Being Grumpy As a Family

#1 on the Blog Overall: 20 Two-Player Games to Play with Your Husband

#1 on Facebook: 20 Even-You-Can-Do-It Ideas for Initiating Sex Tonight

#1 on Pinterest: Stocking Stuffers for Your Husband (and it’s not even Christmas yet!)

 

Some Quick Reviews!

I want to highlight two reviews for 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage! I highlighted two others in my weekly blog roundup newsletter that’s going out today (if you’re not signed up, you can do that here! You’ll get an email every Friday with links to all the new posts, links to what’s been popular this week (even if it’s older posts), and a round-up of what’s been big on Facebook.)

The Encouragement Express: My Husband Can’t Make Me Happy

“…fantastic book by the way, highly recommend everyone getting it. In it I came across a chapter that was actually completely in line with a blog post I was planning on writing. Yay God for confirmation!”

And then:

Messy Marriage: On Not Being in Competition with My Husband

I think the chapter that I appreciated and needed the most was, “I’m Not in Competition with My Husband.” Although I agreed with Sheila on several key issues related to submission and headship in marriage and how those are interpreted from Scripture, she brought out some key aspects that I have missed over the years.

Seriously, if you haven’t gotten a hold of the book yet–I know you’ll love it! The first four thoughts are all how to get our own hearts right. The next three are about how to deal with tough issues in marriage (be a peaceMAKER, not a peaceKEEPER!). And then we turn to sex and friendship. It’s a lot of fun, and it’s a new way of looking at some of the Christian advice that we often hear.

The Wedding Pics

I’m going to share the ones that we’ve had up on Instagram.

First, the wedding gown:

I loved my dress. Going through wedding photos is so fun..

Are You Robbing From Your Teen? Why Chores Matter!

Teenagers should do chores!

Putting teenagers and chores in the same sentence doesn’t sound like a revolutionary thing, but in many families you would think that it was. Too few kids help out around the house–and too few even know how to! Today Joanne Kraft, author of The Mean Mom’s Guide to Raising Great Kids, issues a call to arms for all parents: let’s equip our kids–and that means requiring some work out of them!

Here’s Joanne:

What does the average week look like in your home? Do you make all the meals, do the laundry, clean the house with little help from your teenager? If this sounds like you, you might just be robbing your teenager.

The definition for the penal code of robbery is: To take something by force or fear. When we steal hardworking opportunities from our kids because {force} we can do it better or we’re {fear} afraid they can’t handle it, we rob from them.

I worked for years as a 911 dispatcher and I received more calls from parents of teenagers robbing from their kids than I care to recount. They spent their parenting years doing everything in their power to make their child’s life fairy-tale perfect and problem free. They now had teenagers who were disrespectful, lazy, and borderline narcissistic– Because they were allowed to be.

When our world revolves around our children we shouldn’t be surprised when our teenager demands it.
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When I do for my teenager what he can do for himself I allow my teen to stay a child. Here’s the good news: there’s a magic remedy for their success and it’s called good old fashioned hard work.

How to Grow Your Teen Into a Hardworking Adult:

Don’t pay for a cell phone. A smartphone isn’t a need, it’s a want. Put that money towards their college savings, instead. Or, better yet, let them get a job and pay for a cell phone themselves.
Turn off the TV/Video Games/iPads. Entertainment only after responsibilities. Is homework done? Is the house a mess? If it is, hand them a broom. They’re a part of the family. A family is a team. There’s no reason they can’t get in the game and do a big chunk of the chores.
Schoolwork isn’t a forever excuse. I can’t say, “I have a 40hr a week job, so I can’t be a mom this afternoon.” Begin training your teens now because life won’t care if they’re in graduate school or married. They need to be able to work hard no matter what is going on around them.
Driving isn’t a right it’s a privilege. Just because a teenager is old enough to drive the family car doesn’t mean they get dibs on it. Let them get a job and start saving for one. Our daughter, Grace, has been saving for a car since she was 13. She’s now 16 and almost all her babysitting money has gone into her future car account. She now has over $2500.00. She is just tickled she’s been able to do this. I could buy her a car but I won’t. Why rob her of this joy? She will appreciate her future first car so much more.

A few weeks ago, one of my girlfriends’ sent her seventeen year old son to stay with our family for a week. We had a blast. We showed him all around Nashville and took him out for BBQ. We treated him to dinner and a Civil War tour. Each morning after breakfast I gathered my two teenagers and wrote down a list of house chores and tore off a piece of the list for each…Nathaniel, too.

Teenagers and Chores and Part-Time Jobs

“You’re a part of the family this week, Nathaniel, so here you go.” I smiled and handed him his own chore list. I cranked up some tunes and the kids and I got to work. They had the lion’s share of chores but still laughed and sang along to the music while they swept, vacuumed, cleaned dishes and dusted. I told them, “Give me an hour of your time and I’ll give you the rest of the day.” Nathaniel still wants to come back and stay with us again.

Scripture one mom hangs in her kitchen: If anyone is not willing to work, then he is not to eat, either. 2 Thessalonians 3:10

Give your teenager a job. Allow him or her to feel good about themselves. Too often, I hear mom’s say, “If he gets a job I’m the one who will have to take him to work.” Let him get a job that’s a bike ride away! Or, drive him to work for a little while. Weren’t you the one who drove him to baseball or football practice three times a week? So, why are you holding back from helping him get to work now? Other moms say, “She will have all her life to work. I want her to enjoy her school break or summer off.” I like to answer this with my own question: Why hold your teenager back from adult success?

A study released last year by the Brookings Institution’s Metropolitan Policy Program said finding a job when you’re older is harder if you haven’t worked during your teenage years.

In addition, “research shows those who work in high school have wages 10 to 15 percent higher when they graduate from college,” said Ishwar Khatiwada, a co-author of the study and an associate director of research at Northeastern University’s Center for Labor Market Studies.

As a mom, each time I steal a hard work opportunity to grow my child into an adult I rob character-building moments.

Parents agree that their ultimate goal is to raise independent, hardworking, God honoring adults, yet still we continue to rob opportunities from our teens to grow them into these types of adults.

Mom, stop robbing from your teenager.

Stop making excuses for doing things they can do. It’s not mean to make your teenager do chores. It’s not mean to stop paying for his wants and to say no to designer jeans or video games and smartphones. It’s not mean to make her do her own laundry, or to put her to work around the house before she spends the day with friends or plops in front of the TV…it’s not mean at all.

Have you been robbing your teen? What do you think about teenagers and chores? Let us know in the comments–and tell us about your own experiences working when you were a teen, too!

Joanne Kraft is a mom of four and the author of Just Too Busy—Taking Your Family on a Radical Sabbatical and her recent bookThe Mean Mom’s Guide to Raising Great Kids. She’s a favorite speaker at women’s conferences and has been a guest on Focus on the Family, Family Life Today and CBN.

Her articles have appeared in ParentLife, Today’s Christian Woman, In Touch, Thriving Family, P31 Woman and more. Joanne and her husband, Paul, recently moved their family from California to Tennessee and happily traded soy milk and arugula for sweet tea and biscuits.

Download your FREE Mean Mom Bill of Rights at JoanneKraft.com.

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Wifey Wednesday: When Sleeping in the Same Bed is Tough

What if sleeping in the same bed is causing you not to sleep at all?

It’s Wednesday, the day when we always talk marriage! And today I thought we’d get super practical: What do you do if you find sleeping in the same bed with your husband almost impossible?

Let’s look at some of the common reasons that sleeping in the same bed can be challenging.

Sleeping in the Same Bed: The Temperature Wars

One of  you likes the window open. One of you likes fourteen blankets and socks on.

Or how about this: you’re going through menopause and you’re a furnace! You hate how you climb in between two nice, cool sheets and five minutes later they’re burning hot?

I totally understand. Those “hot flashes” at night are NOT fun.

Personally, I’m more of a “want to be nice and toasty” person, while my husband often sleeps with no covers on at all. And he likes to put the temperature down to about 55 degrees Fahrenheit in the winter overnight to save on the heating bills. So what do you do when you each want a different temperature?

Well, Slumber Cloud sent me the most amazing samples recently and I want to tell you about them. Basically they make heat-managing mattress covers, pillow covers, blankets, and other bedding that help you regulate temperature–especially during menopause (but also when you both just like different temperatures at night!)

First they sent us the Nacreous Mattress Pad, and here’s what they say about it:

Traditional mattresses allow heat and moisture radiating from your skin to become trapped under the covers. The result? You toss and turn and push the covers away until you cool off. Then you get too cold, so you bundle up and the cycle begins again. Slumber Cloud’s Nacreous Mattress Pad manages the microclimate under the covers by absorbing heat when you are too hot and releasing heat when your skin temperature begins to drop. It’s the hardest working mattress pad on the market and has earned our Gold+ Comfort Rating. Cool and silky to the touch thanks to Outlast® viscose fabric, and an expert at thermal-regulation due to its inner Outlast® liner fabric, the Nacreous Mattress Pad ensures that you get every one of your 40 winks.

Their pillow covers, sheet sets, and duvets work the same way. No more kicking the covers off and then yanking them back on all night! And no more fighting with your husband about that open window!

We were really excited about the mattress pad because the bed in our RV is a little bit firm, to say the least. The mattress pad made it much softer–but it also kept it nice and cool! We’ve slept in the RV for five nights now, and two have been boiling hot, two have been freezing, and one’s been normal. At all temperatures the mattress pad stayed consistent. It never overheated or felt sweaty or anything.

(And yes, that is toilet paper hanging down at the back. What can I say? We’re too cheap to buy Kleenex. And I didn’t even realize it was there when I had Keith take this picture!).

One night we MAY OR MAY NOT have leaked a whole water bottle over one half of the bed. But that water stayed in the pad–it didn’t leak down to the mattress whatsoever. And the mattress pad was completely dry within a few hours, whereas the sheet we had to stick in the washer and dryer.

I can just imagine how well it handles sweaty “hot flashes”, then!

They also sent us matching Nacreous Pillow covers, and they were amazing, too. The pillow covers keep the pillows nice and cool against your face. I’m forever turning my pillow over all night because I like cool pillows. I haven’t had to do that once since we hit the RV and started trying this stuff out!

Slumber Cloud utilizes Outlast® technology, which is made of a unique material that can absorb, store and release excess heat so that you can get the best sleep possible. And it works whether you want it hot or cold! It just regulates temperature so that you’re always comfortable. And it stops all that tossing and turning.

I really appreciated being able to try out these great products, and I encourage you to look at them, too. And if you’re a “woman of a certain age” who is having difficulty sleeping, they’ve got great information on menopause and sleep, too, at their website.

Here they are explaining how the heat-regulating technology works:

And here’s where you can manage your own temperature at night!

Slumber Cloud is also hosting a contest on their Facebook Page where you can win a matching pillow set. Enter here!

Sleeping in the Same Bed: The Sheet Wars

When my daughter was married this July, one of the things my now son-in-law Connor quickly found out is that Rebecca does not share very well. At least when it comes to sheets. Her sister Katie could have told him this. Katie’s big complaint every time we went to a hotel and they had to share a bed is that Rebecca would take all the covers.

Rebecca calls it “being a burrito”. She lies in the sheets, and then rolls over until she’s all covered up–just like a burrito! She does it in her sleep, so it’s not intentional. But the end result is that she’s taken all the sheets, and he’s left with nothing.

Their solution: share a blanket, but use separate sheets! That way they both get the sheets they need.

Sometimes you may have to make the bed with three sheets: the fitted one, and then two top ones, so that you each can have one. Sure, it means you can’t touch your legs when you sleep or something, but if it means that you can get to sleep–it’s not a failure! It’s a success.

Sleeping in the Same Bed: The Sound Wars

I’ve written before about husbands snoring–and you can see the biggest post on that here.

Keith doesn’t snore all the time. He really mostly snores when he’s overtired, like when he’s been on call all weekend. But on those nights I just can’t sleep next to him. And now that my girls are gone, I have extra bedrooms. So I just slip out of bed and head down the hall. No big deal.

Except that this fall we’re going on tour a ton, and we’re going to be together in an RV. A small RV. Where there’s nowhere to escape to.

I was nervous. What if I couldn’t sleep? I’ve been wearing ear plugs to sleep since I was about 19 and living in a house with 3 other girls at university. I’ve never been one who could sleep with noise, so I needed to block it out.

But those ear plugs could not drown out snoring.

So before we headed out in the RV, I did some research on BETTER ear plugs, to see if here was something I was missing. I found some, ordered some, and for the first time I can actually sleep beside Keith if he snores! It’s not always easy, but they work better than anything else I found. And they’re not that expensive! Instead of being foam they’re wax which mold to the inside of your ear. And they truly do keep a LOT of sound out.

Check them out here.

Sleeping in the Same Bed: The Crowding Wars

The funny thing about this RV, though, is that even though the RV itself is cramped the bed isn’t.

You see, our whole marriage we’ve slept in a double bed. Part of it was just that I was cheap. We were given a double bed, and I didn’t want to have to splurge to buy a Queen. And then when we finally did buy a whole new bedroom set, about fifteen years into our marriage, all my sheets and my duvets were for a double sized bed. I didn’t want to have to buy all new bedding, so we bought another double bed.

But the RV has a Queen sized bed! So it’s all new for us.

If you’re married to someone who kicks or who moves a lot in his sleep, then consider getting a bigger bed. It’s worth the investment if it means that you can stay in the same room, and you actually sleep. Being woken up multiple times during the night doesn’t help your mood or your health.

We’ve always been able to manage in a smaller bed. But if we couldn’t–I’d upgrade in a heartbeat. I need my sleep.

Let me know in the comments: Have you had trouble sleeping in the same bed? What did you do about it?

Now it’s your turn! If you’ve got a blog, link up the URL of a marriage post in the linky below! And then be sure to link back here so that other people can read these great Wifey Wednesday posts!

Marriage isn't supposed to be blah!


Sex is supposed to be stupendous--physically, emotionally, AND spiritually.

If it's not, get The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex--and find out what you've been missing.

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Top 10 Ways to Stop Being Grumpy As a Family

Is your family grumpy too much?

Today Liz Millay from Simple Life Messy Life joins us to give us 10 ways to stop feeling like a grumpy family–and start feeling like a happy family again, even in the midst of school!

School has begun once again and whether your kids are hopping on the big yellow bus or sitting down for math lessons at the kitchen table, one thing is for sure – gone are the lazy days of summer. Life is about to get busy!

I know for our family, when our schedules are full and we aren’t able to spend as much time together, we start to feel disconnected. We are more liable to get cranky at each other and we start to feel just plain “off.”

So, how do you stay connected as a family when your days are filled with activities taking you every which way?

If you don’t want to be a grumpy family, you have to be intentional.

Don’t get me wrong, being intentional about connecting as a family isn’t always easy, but it doesn’t have to be elaborate or complicated either!

Here are ten simple ways to stay connected as a family. Don’t go crazy trying to do all ten (that wouldn’t be very simple after all!), but pick a few and find what works for you!

1. Have at least one night a week where everyone is home

Especially as your kids get older, it is really easy to have somewhere to be every night of the week. And while some seasons of life will be busier than others by necessity, try to keep at least one night a week where everyone is home together.

On these nights the pace of life can slow down a little. Family members can play, talk, and just spend time together unhurried. These times of rest are so important.

2. Cook a meal together

One of the simplest ways to find time to connect as a family is to combine it with something you already have to do anyway. Since you have to eat, why not have a night when the family makes dinner together?

You could try spitting the meal responsibilities (boys make the main dish, girls make the sides), do a little Chopped Challenge, or tackle a new recipe together. Even the littlest helpers can get involved!

3. Eat dinner around the table

Even if you aren’t able to cook the meal together, there are so many benefits to eating together! You can read more about the benefits of the family dinner table here, but just some of them are: less tension in the house, more talking among family members, and healthier eating all around.

For extra fun or a special evening, put out a table cloth and light a candle (even if you’re just eating pizza!). Put away the phones and make dinnertime a relaxing part of the evening.

4. Turn off the electronics

Speaking of putting away your phones, try putting some limits on all electronic devices. The TV, phone, iPad – being connected to them makes it really hard to be connected to each other!

This past year for Lent, one of the things we decided to do was to not turn the TV on until after our son went to bed. It was such a simple thing, but you wouldn’t imagine the different it made in the atmosphere of our family. You can read more about our experience here.

5. Go for a walk 

Another thing we did along with our no TV rule was to go for a walk almost every evening. Now, you might not be able to go for a family walk every evening, but I highly recommend doing it when you can!

It could be as simple as a quick walk around the block or a bigger adventure such as going on a hike at a nearby trail. Either way, there is something about the fresh air and getting your blood pumping that puts everyone in a good mood. Getting out of the house and away from distractions is also a great time to chat and catch up on life.

6. Play a game

Another fun way to spend some time together as a family is to play a game. This could be a card or board game (we like to play Uno with our three year old!) or something more active like shooting baskets or playing catch. You could even play video games together if that’s more your style! It doesn’t matter as much what the activity is, but that you are doing it side-by-side, connecting with each other and building memories.

7. Exercise together 

Getting in some exercise is something that most people have on their to-do list. One way to increase the odds of it actually happening (and have more fun doing it) is to get the whole family to join in!

My husband and I have been trying to do a short yoga video every night and often our three year old son joins in. It makes it a little more crazy – but also a lot more fun! Plus, he gets to see us exercising and we get to build a healthy habit as a family.

8. Sneak in some end of the night pillow talk

Pillow talk isn’t just for husbands and wives! That quiet moment, with a dim room all snuggled in bed is a great time to connect with your kids. Ask them about their favorite part of the day, read a book, or just get in some extra hugs and kisses.

9. Family devotional 

Sometimes it is easy to think of physical, social, and mental ways to connect, but forget that it is important to connect on a spiritual level too. A family devotional time doesn’t have to be complicated either. You can pair it with dinner or sneak it in at bed time, or even do it at breakfast if you are one of those crazy morning people!

If you need some ideas for family devotions try reading through a book of the Bible (or a story Bible for the little ones) and signing a favorite worship song. There are also lots of great devotional books out there to choose from!

If you have toddlers, try checking out my Play Through The Bible series!

10. Pray 

This goes along with having a family devotional time, but it is so important that I thought it deserved its own separate point! Definitely include prayer both during your devotional time and throughout your day as a family. But, even on top of that, don’t forget to pray for your family.

Pray for your family members individually, and also pray for your family as a whole. Pray for relationships among each other, for your marriage, for siblings, and for the love of Christ to shine in through your family.

Looking for more simple and fun ideas of activities to do together as a family? I have a FREE gift for you! Click here to get family fun cards – 36 printable cards with simple activities for you to do on family night or anytime! 

Liz is a twenty-something wife, mother, and jack-of-all-trades. When she’s not looking for ways to teach God’s truth to her three year old you’ll find her reading, cooking, writing, or enjoying the outdoors. Liz Blogs about faith, family, and life’s adventures at Simple Life. Messy Life.

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Reader Question: My 8-Year-Old Masturbates!

What do you do if your son masturbates–especially if he’s really young?

Every Monday I like to post a Reader Question and take a stab at answering it. Today I thought I’d tackle this one: I have a lot of moms writing to me saying, “my son masturbates and I don’t know what to do!” I want to tackle the issue of PRE-PUBESCENT masturbation today (so kids under 11 or 12).

One mom wrote this:

A few months ago, my 8 year old son discovered that he could use the floor as friction on himself (so to speak) when he’s lying down on his stomach reading a book. Not knowing what to do and hoping he would stop on his own, I pretended I didn’t notice the first few times and then read some advice which I’ve partly taken already.

I’ve told him a few times not to do this outside of his room. I asked him why he did it. My tone was casual, not condescending. He looked at me blankly, and I asked him if he did it because it felt good and he said yes. I left it at that. I know that the behaviour has not stopped.

One article mentioned lack of connection as a possible issue, but I don’t think that’s the case. We’re pretty much together 24/7 (we homeschool). My husband is also around a lot and spends tonnes of time with the kids (and me) doing things we all enjoy.

What I want to get across to him is that it’s a bad habit to get into at such a young age. I don’t want him to start conditioning his sexual response so early. If he gets into this habit now, how on earth is he going to manage his hormones when he hits puberty? And when he gets married….can guys have trouble having orgasms with their wife if they have been having them alone for years before they get hitched? I know it can be an issue for women, but I’m not sure on the male side.

In any case, he’s only 8. He’s not going to understand all that. Or maybe I’m not giving him enough credit. Maybe I need to explain the sexual response cycle to him in more detail and how triggering that in himself can disrupt it? Hmmm…. perhaps I’ve just answered my own question.

That’s a tricky one for a lot of parents! I’ve actually talked to my daughter, who takes Psychology in university, and my husband, who is a pediatrician, to chime in a bit on this one, so I’ve amalgamated their advice.

First, a bit of background:

It’s Very Common to “Masturbate” When You’re 6-8

Around age 6-8 kids often realize that touching their genitals and stimulating their genitals feels good. And so MOST children at this age will start to explore and will start to touch themselves.

My girls taught swimming at the YMCA, and one thing they often found was that little girls–say ages 7 and 8–would often position themselves near the jets of water and sit themselves there. The male teachers would often have to come and get Rebecca and tell her, “Can you tell Nicole to move away from the jets again?” It was a running joke.

But here’s the thing: the 10-year-old and 11-year-old girls didn’t do it.

Why?

Because at around age 8-9, kids often enter a “latency” phase for about 3-4 years where they stop this kind of behaviour, and everything like it, until puberty starts.

At This Age It Isn’t Sexual

Let me repeat that: in the vast majority of cases at these young ages, this touching is not sexual at all. Not. At. All.

There may be exceptions: children who have been sexually abused, for instance, can engage in sexual behaviour, but for most children it really isn’t sexual. It simply “feels good”.

Kids Often Fixate for Short Periods on Something

Has your child ever decided he wanted to eat hot dogs–and nothing but hot dogs–for three weeks? Or decided that she can’t go anywhere without one particular toy–and then promptly forgot about that toy a month later? When we toured England back in 2004 Rebecca had this Tower of London teddy bear that she would not put down. It went with her everywhere for a few weeks. And then it sat on a shelf in her room for the rest of her life, never to be picked up again.

So if your child seems to be something repeatedly for a few days, it does NOT mean that they have developed a lifelong habit that they’ll never shake.

Okay, so there’s some information. Now, what do you do? We were talking in a previous article about the Josh Duggar scandal about how parents can unwittingly cause kids to become ashamed of their sexuality, and cause almost a “sexual splitting”. And many parents were asking how to prevent that, which is where this question came from. So let’s look at what actually to do:

When Your Son Masturbates: What To Do
Don’t Make a Big Deal Out of It

Sin is a big deal. Exploring your body is not. And at this age masturbation has nothing to do with lust at all. It really doesn’t. So it is not a sin.

This mom ignored it at first (quite understandably, because as a mom, you likely freak inside when you see your child doing this), but if you can, stop that “inner freak out” and, right from the get go, say something like, “Honey, we don’t play with our penis when we’re around other people,” or “Honey, we don’t rub our vulva when we’re around other people.”

Name the body part, too. That’s important. Because you’d say, “honey, we don’t pick our nose in public”, and “honey, we don’t bite our nails in at the dinner table.” You name those body parts. So don’t be afraid to name these. When you DON’T name them, you actually attach more shame to them (oh, we don’t TALK about those).

So just let them know that they aren’t to do that in front of people, in the same way that they aren’t to get naked in front of people.

If your son is constantly putting his hands down his pants, you just say, “Tommy, hands out of pants in the living room/kitchen/dining room please!”

Treat it like any other unwanted behaviour. You wouldn’t go ballistic on your kid for farting in public, right? So there’s no need to go ballistic about this, either. At this age it really is just like thumb sucking or carrying a teddy bear. It’s self-soothing. That’s all it is, so don’t treat it like it’s more.

Don’t Make It Sexual

One thing that parents often wonder is, “do I need to start explaining about sex?” No. You do not. Absolutely not.

Saying something like, “God made that part of your body to feel good, but it’s supposed to feel good in marriage” really confuses them at this age when they didn’t mean it sexually at all. At this age the idea of a girl touching him THERE is likely absolutely repulsive and not associated with feeling good whatsoever.

That may be a talk that you need to have in the future, if this gets really out of hand (excuse the pun), but you definitely don’t want to launch into that. To a child who likely doesn’t know much about sex at all to be introduced to sex like this can be rather traumatic and awfully embarrassing.

My girls and I have this weird condition where our the nerve ending in our throats is highly attached to the nerve endings in our inner ears. So whenever our throats itch, what do we do? We get a Q-tip and we rub our inner ear like crazy, and our throats feel so much better. Seriously–that Q-tip is likely the one thing I couldn’t live without on a desert island. I like Q-tips for Christmas. It’s bad.

And when I’m rubbing, Keith always laughs at me because I make sounds that are awfully similar to–well, you know.

But I don’t mean it that way at all!

And I think that’s the way little boys and little girls are at this age: they may touch themselves, and it feels really nice, but if someone were to suddenly make it into something sexual, they’d be ashamed and not know what to do. They didn’t even realize they were doing something bad! And now Mommy/Daddy is all serious.

At this age it’s just exploring your body. So saying something like, “I know touching your penis/vulva can feel good, but that’s really something that we don’t do in public. And lots of things feel good!”–and then start a tickling match or something.

We’re often told: we should educate our kids sexually as they are ready for it and as opportunities arise. We should grab those opportunities! But I’d just really caution that this may not be the best one, because it’s really easy to confuse and mortify kids. Remember, we’re supposed to grab opportunities, yes–but this, though it may look sexual, really isn’t sexual. So it’s not our typical “opportunity”.

What If It Doesn’t Stop?

Rebecca stopped carrying Teddy everywhere pretty quickly. What if your child doesn’t stop after a few weeks? What if it becomes a serious habitual problem?

For most kids it will stop. And for most kids, when it becomes habitual it’s because there’s something else going on–a lot of stress in their life, a lack of physical affection from parents, a condition like Asperger’s or ADD where they have difficulty dealing with emotions, etc.

But what if those things aren’t in play (as it doesn’t sound like it is from this mother), and it’s still happening?

Here’s what my husband (the pediatrician) says:

It honestly does usually stop constantly happening after a few weeks. If it doesn’t, go see your pediatrician. After all, maybe your kid isn’t masturbating–maybe he/she has a rash there! Or maybe it’s a urinary tract infection. Or maybe in some way you’re feeding the behaviour and you just need someone to talk to about it.

So there you go. Don’t freak out. Don’t treat it sexually. Name the body part. And if it continues constantly, seek help. But usually it will die down. It really will.

Now I’d love to know in the comments: Has this ever happened to you? How did you handle it? Let us know!

Don’t forget–the Ultimate Healthy Living Bundle is gone, as of today at midnight! If you haven’t checked it out yet, you don’t want to miss it. Almost $2000 in resources for just $29.97! It was this bundle two years ago that got me on the right road towards making TINY changes that have resulted in us saving money on groceries, losing twenty pounds, and quitting Diet Pepsi for good. And my house smells wonderful, too!

Check it out here.

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On the Road Again!

And…my husband and I did it!

We packed up the RV and we headed out for our first HUGE trip. We’re driving from Belleville, where we live in southern Ontario, to Indianapolis where I’m speaking at the MOPS convention, and then heading up to Winnipeg for a retreat I’m speaking at, and then home. It’s 19 days, 5000 miles of close quarter togetherness.

And I’ve got some other little trips planned, too. I’ve got two more Girl Talks I’m giving–one in Terre Haute, Indiana on the 18th and one in Clare, Missouri on the 21st (you can see all the details on the sidebar on the blog, or on Facebook under “Events”.)

So last night we hit the border and got stopped for an hour because we had tomatoes in our fridge. Note to self: throw out the produce next time before you cross the border.

But we made it to the KOA campground anyway and had a great sleep, and now my husband is making me eggs and sausage while I type this.

Life is good.

Here I am with my laundry basket beside me and my breakfast half eaten. Oh, yeah, baby. That’s real life.

Okay, so here’s what’s been big this week at To Love, Honor and Vacuum, along with a few more thoughts I’ve been having:

What’s #1 at To Love, Honor and Vacuum?

#1 NEW Post on the Blog: On the War Room, Prayer, and Fighting for Your Marriage

#1 on the Blog Overall: My Husband Doesn’t Want to Make Love!

#1 on Facebook: 20 Even-You-Can-Do-It Ideas for Initiating Sex Tonight

#1 on Pinterest: Why Do Teenagers Rebel

 

Looking Through Pictures of Our Life

Last weekend I was alone for four days. My husband went on call on Friday morning for the long weekend in a different city from where we live, and he didn’t come home until Tuesday afternoon. And my kids, of course, are all moved out.

So I was alone.

And I did the most fun thing I’ve done in an ABSOLUTE AGE.

I took every single family photo I could get my little grubby hands on, uploaded them to my new Mac using the Photos app, tagged everyone’s faces and added keywords to everything, and now I have several thousand photos there and I can browse through our lives.

Of course, we still have so many photos that are just in albums, not in digital files, and over the next few summers I’m hiring Katie to scan them all and tag them all, etc. But we have a lot now.

And so, even though I’m missing my girls I was able to look through the photos and realize–we had a good life together. We really did. We had so much fun! I’ve been second guessing myself lately a lot as a mom–did I teach them everything I want to? Did I spend my time well? But after looking through all the photos of everything we did, I just felt better. There were so many moments I had forgotten!

One of the tags I use for the photos is “faces of Katie”, because she really does make the most unreal faces. Here are just 3:

It’s just been so fun taking a walk down memory lane.

But question for all you photo people: I’m trying to figure out if I should be using Lightroom instead of Mac’s Photos app (not iPhoto; their new Photos app). If anyone knows anything about this, can you comment? Thank you!

Rebecca is Finished Her Book Proposal

And there was much rejoicing in my house!

I’m so excited about this one.

Last year Rebecca (my oldest) wrote a blog post about how she didn’t rebel. that went the most viral of anything I’ve ever written (she beat me totally) about why she didn’t rebel. She’s been working at turning it into a book–interviewing a ton of other young people, doing a literature search in psychology journals, etc. And she’s got it done! We’ll be sending it off to my agent next week. So I’m ecstatic for her. She wanted to get it done this summer but with the wedding it was just rough. But she was determined to finish it before school began, and she did.

I really hope it gets published soon, because she’s got some important things to say. She’s really expanded on that original post, and it’s going to be awesome.

Okay, So I’m a Proud Mom

I guess that’s a lot of bragging about my kids this week, but I’m still in OH MY GOSH MY KIDS HAVE MOVED OUT AND WE’RE EMPTY NESTERS AND I MISS THEM!!!!!  mode. Seriously. I’m just glad they text several times a day.

A 9 Thoughts Review…

Jennifer Ferguson wrote a great review for my new book 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage!

She lists 9 things she loves, including:

 

Scriptural truth: There is an abundance of scripture in this book and Sheila tackles some of the trickiest passages. What does it mean to submit? “It does not mean that when there is a tie, your husband always wins.” What does it mean to have peace in your marriage?  “There is a difference between being a peacekeeper and a peace-maker. Which one are you?”

Read the whole thing here. And, of course, check out the book here!

 

A Little More on Prayer

I had a bit of pushback on Facebook when my post about The War Room went up. People were accusing me of not believing that prayer works.

That’s not what I’m saying at all. It’s ironic really, because right now I’m seeing more immediate results of prayer in my personal life than I ever have before. I’m actually walking through a “War Room” type experience, and I hope one day I’ll be able to share it with you, but it’s not primarily my story to tell.

Anyway, I absolutely believe that prayers CAN work immediately and dramatically. I’m just equally sure that prayers don’t always.

And, in fact, I’m really uncomfortable with that whole phrasing: that prayer CAN work. Does that mean that prayer doesn’t work if we don’t get the answers we want right away? No, of course not! Because sometimes the work that prayer does is on your own heart. And sometimes the answer God wants to give isn’t the answer we want.

Here’s a tiny example: I started praying for a rather specific outcome for something in my life almost a year ago now. But as I’ve been praying more intensely, the focus of my prayers has really changed. It’s been less about that specific outcome and more about God catching a hold of a few people and using them for wonderful things in His kingdom. It’s more been about God’s kingdom than it is about the kingdom I was trying to build. And it’s just so freaking exciting, if you’ll pardon the rude language. When I started praying that I started looking for it more in my own life, too. And I started seeing so many amazing answers. And the goal of my prayers has really changed.

God changes us when we pray. The movie actually showed that really well–Elizabeth’s motivations totally changed when she started to pray. And that means that prayer’s primary work is always to make us look more like Jesus.

I just don’t us getting a simplistic view where God always does what we want immediately. That doesn’t make God the creator of the universe; that makes him into our errand boy. And it makes me uncomfortable, and it has the propensity to make people feel as if their faith isn’t good enough if they’ve been praying and not seeing results. And that can be really hurtful.

The Ultimate Healthy Living Bundle is Happening NOW!

I read through the first Ultimate Healthy Living Bundle back in 2013. It seriously changed my life. I stopped eating a lot of the things I was eating. I started figuring out how to cook with real foods more. I stopped buying canned goods. And seriously, a lot of my health problems that I’ve had over the last few years have gotten significantly better (and I’ve dropped some weight!) But the biggest change is that I FEEL better. When I eat crap at a restaurant now I feel sick for a few days. My body isn’t used to it.

And here’s the neat thing: it was seriously tiny changes. It wasn’t anything huge. It wasn’t like I threw out all of my sugar and never ate any chocolate again (I discovered sea salt caramel dark chocolate instead; awesome!). I substituted some oils. Made more stock. Figured out how to wash my produce better. Just little things–tips I picked up from the books.

And that’s what you get in the new Ultimate Healthy Living bundle, the 2015 edition–$1900 worth of ebooks and ecourses for just $29.97, but only for 5 days! You get around 100 resources that you can browse through, glean what you want, and make those tiny changes.

Check it out today! It will be gone on Monday–

 

Instagram Update

Okay, so this week my Instagram update is from Katie’s feed. My homeschooled baby had her first real day of school this week at university!

This picture may be about 14 years later than most other peoples, but it’s still just as exciting!! Hooray for teachers and desks and other people!

Cyberbullying: Why I Decided to Monitor My Teen’s Cell Phone

Today please welcome Amy Williams, who shares her wisdom about raising teens in a time, when cyberbullying is so prevalent.  It’s time to get armed with tactics to battle bullying is all its forms.
Did you have any nicknames growing up?

Unfortunately, in the fifth grade I had the pleasure of earning the moniker “Dog” from a boy named Kenny. The name stuck and followed me until the middle of seventh grade. It was the cherry on top of a heaping dish that was already filled with adolescent angst and incredibly self conscious feelings about my red hair and freckles. After Kenny blessed me with this new title, things only got worse.

Did I tell my parents or seek help from a teacher?

Of course not! That would have been a wise decision on my part, but I struggled through this bullying episode alone. I relied on tears cried behind closed doors and I avoided Kenny and the other boys in my class at all costs. Looking back, I wish that I had stood up for myself or found a healthier way of dealing with this issue.

My own experience with bullying is one of the main reasons why we chose to actively monitor our teenager’s social media and cell phone activity. The early 90’s were a trying time for myself, but at least I didn’t have to worry about technology and cyberbullying. Today’s generations are growing up in a very connected and viral social media firestorm that can quickly escalate bullying into a full fledged assault of mean, hateful, and derogatory remarks.

The Prevalence Of Cyberbullying

My own children have had a few run ins with a class bully or two and, just like their mother, they avoided seeking adult intervention until we personally witnessed the bruising and tears. Granted these were isolated incidents, but with the information available on cyberbullying we couldn’t hide our heads in the sand and blindly hand over a cell phone or tablet without some safety measures in place.

Many experts believe that cyberbullying can have a devastating impact on our children. There has been proven correlations between victims of cyberbullying and the suffering from anxiety, depression, and attempted suicides. Even with the known problems associated with cyberbullying, teens and children still continue to digitally harass or embarrass their peers.

Here are four cringeworthy cyberbullying statistics that support our choice to monitor our teens:

One in every three children have been the victims of cyber threats.


More than 25 percent of teenagers were repeatedly bullied via their cell phone or the Internet.


Some studies estimate that over half of our children have experienced cyberbullying in some form with 20 percent experiencing digital aggression on a regular basis.


Only one out of ten children will seek help for cyberbullying!

Why Monitoring Was A Choice That Worked For Us

Our children have been secretive in the past about bullying and a recent study by McAfee noted that 70 percent of teenagers have hid online interactions from their parents. This creates a digital divide between us and our children, making our jobs of keeping them safe that much harder. To compound this problem, many teens use “dummy accounts” to keep their real social media activity a secret.

With all this secrecy and very real dangers lurking online, we knew we wanted to be aware of what our children were seeing, experiencing, or doing on the world wide web. The U.S. Department of Health and Human Services found that bullying often stops within ten seconds 57 percent of the time when a bystander intervenes. That fact alone encouraged us to pursue monitoring as a viable choice in our parenting.

How To Monitor A Teen’s Cell Phone

We are open and honest with our children about monitoring their activity. There is no snooping and sleuthing occurring, but we do have regular conversations about social media etiquette and hot topics like cyberbullying. In fact, monitoring a teen’s phone has led to many heart-to-heart conversations and learning opportunities to prepare them for life.

Listed below are four suggestions to help monitor a teenager’s Internet and cellphone activity:

Be honest! I can’t stress this enough. We don’t hide the fact that we check in on them and they know there is always a possibility that we will see anything they post.


Know a child’s accounts, user names, passwords, and sites frequented.


Teach social media etiquette, talk about cyberbullying, and teach them about the potential problems associated with sexting. We avoid lecturing, name calling, and yelling while actively listening to our children.


Choose an app that allows you to keep all of our child’s accounts in one location. This helps us sift through multiple sites, text messages, and more with ease. We took advantage of TeenSafe’s free trial period and were hooked.

Cyberbullying is just one facet of the big puzzle of social media and cell phones, but it was enough to warrant our attention. I know that a lot of people don’t agree with our choice and it isn’t always popular with our kids, but this solution works for us.

As parents, we naturally want things to be better for our children. Bullying can leave scars behind, they just aren’t visible to the naked eye. I don’t wish that experience for anyone’s children, let alone mine. I feel that monitoring allows me to take a proactive approach and prevent unnecessary heartache down the road.

Would you consider monitoring a child’s cell phone? Why or why not?

Amy Williams is a free-lance journalist based in Southern California and mother of two. As a parent, she enjoys spreading the word on positive parenting techniques in the digital age and raising awareness on issues like cyberbullying and online safety.

 

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