Sheila Wray Gregoire's Blog, page 178

Wifey Wednesday: When “Just Do It!” Is Bad Advice

Y’all know that I believe having lots of sex in marriage is a great thing.

(It just felt right to begin that sentence with y’all, even to this Canadian. )

But that doesn’t mean that having sex is always the right thing to do. And it certainly doesn’t mean that having sex will fix all marriage problems.

I’m so excited that in just six days my new book, 9 Thoughts That Will Change Your Marriage, will start to appear on shelves! Yay! And for the last week or so we’ve been talking about what some of those thoughts are.

We talked about:

Thought #5: I’m not in competition with my husband! Submission isn’t about who gets to make all the decisions; it’s about servanthood. And sometimes the best way to serve your husband is to say, “no”!

Thought #3: My Husband Can’t Make Happy. Ultimately our happiness is our hands.

And today I want to talk about Thought #8: Making Love is not the same thing as Having Sex.

Here’s part of what I wrote in the book, talking about the advice that the church seems to be giving to “just have sex!”:

Book series have been written about the battles that men face with sexual temptation, and wives are told that they can help men defeat these temptations by having sex more often. Some pastors challenge couples to have sex every day (in some cases for a week, and in some cases, for a month) to reap the benefits in their marriage. (my 31 Days to Great Sex book isn’t sex-every-day-for-a-month; it’s let’s start talking, let’s start exploring, let’s start being more affectionate and being more open–and THEN let’s rock each other’s world!)

I have sympathy with this “just do it” approach. On a spiritual level, every time you make love, you reaffirm your relationship and you feel more committed. And from a practical standpoint, libido in women is largely a use-it-or-lose-it phenomenon. When we make love more frequently, our bodies tend to respond more easily, and we’ll find that our libidos increase. When women make love less frequently, our bodies often shut down and our desire for sex diminishes.

Also, remember my story of “sex flowers”? My husband felt close to me after sex, and so he brought me flowers. That’s how God designed us. When we experience sexual release, we release the bonding hormone oxytocin, which helps us feel closer to each other. When we’re having sex with relative frequency, we tend to feel more positively toward each other, and we tend to find it easier to let go of small issues in the marriage.

These are all good things, yet simply having more sex will not make everything automatically better. Our religious “just do it” pat answer seems too much like a mirror image of our culture’s attitude toward sex: both ignore the fact that sex is more than genitalia. It isn’t a cure-all for every-thing, and too often it’s portrayed as such. That cheapens sex too.

Making love—experiencing genuine intimacy through sex—is truly beautiful. But too many couples haven’t experienced that because they’ve bought into this “sex is only about genitalia,” sometimes without even realizing it.

This “just do it” approach too often reinforces the idea that sex is mostly for men, anyway–and “obligation sex” is never sexy for women. Talking about the benefits of sex is a far healthier approach!

But the real issue, I think, is that we’ve forgotten that God created sex to unite us in three ways: physically, spiritually, and emotionally. If we stress only the physical side of sex, we can actually harm the other two aspects of intimacy. And sometimes we can do great damage to the hearts of those involved.

I’m not saying that quickies are bad or that sex can never just be to “have fun”! Not at all. But when other factors are involved that are affecting our intimacy, using sex cheaply can drive us apart.

Here are three examples of when “just do it!” is the wrong approach:

1. Just Having Sex won’t cure sin–and can even reinforce it

If a husband (or a wife) is using pornography; if a husband is sexting other women (believe me, I get lots of emails about it); if a spouse wants to pursue something really deviant (like involving a third party or something), then having sex isn’t going to cure any of those things.

I’ve had so many commenters (mostly men) on this blog saying that if their wives would just have sex with them they wouldn’t use porn. And yes, having frequent sex can diminish the temptation for these things to a certain extent. But it won’t cure all temptation, and if the addiction gets to a certain point it won’t help the temptation at all. It will just reinforce it.

Here’s what I mean: porn trains the brain so that what is arousing is an image, rather than a person.

If a single guy has been using porn for years and then marries, the problem is that he’s trained his body to respond to porn, not to his wife. And it really doesn’t matter what his wife does, the pull to porn will still be there because the problem is not his wife. The problem is in his brain. It is possible to retrain your brain, but he has to get real about the problem, pray, and find someone to hold him accountable. (and he should be willing to use Covenant Eyes or something to give him accountability online. If he’s not, he doesn’t really want to get better).

Now, in some marriages, the porn problem only STARTS after sexual refusal, and in those cases, then, yes, having more sex may reduce the temptation. But if the porn use predates the marriage (which, for most new couples today, it usually does), then the situation is completely different.

Here’s another problem: If a guy (or a woman) uses porn to get aroused, and then wants sex, he’s using his spouse as an object. There’s nothing about real intimacy there. (The same would go for shows like Game of Thrones, by the way). And if he wants to act out something he’s seen, then again, sex is not about intimacy. If a woman gives in and allows her husband to treat her this way, she will be part of the train-your-brain-to-respond-to-porn chemical reaction that’s going on, because she’s reinforcing the fantasy and the use of porn to get aroused before sexual release.

If there’s major sin in the marriage, then the sin needs to be dealt with BEFORE you bring sex back. This doesn’t mean you never have sex until he’s cured of the porn; I can’t give blanket statements like that because I do think every relationship is different. But he must be trying to give up the porn; have an accountability partner; and working towards real intimacy. Yes, he will slip up occasionally, and be his ally when he does. But if he won’t get rid of the porn, having sex won’t help.

And the more women are told they should “Just have sex”, the more they will feel used, like objects. And that reinforces a very negative view of sex for her, and wrecks the ability for sex to be something that brings her closer to her husband, too.

2. Just Having Sex Can’t Rebuild Trust

Let’s leave the porn for a minute; here’s another scenario: one of  you has had an affair, and you’re trying to rebuild your marriage.

In this case, “just have sex” can hurt your recovery.

Why?

Because having sex does reinforce an intimacy, and it does make you feel closer. That, in turn, can mask a problem.

This works to our advantage in healthy marriages; the more we have sex, the less little things that he does bother her, and vice versa.

But it can be harmful when trust is being rebuilt, because it can allow us to ignore big issues or to paper over things that really do need to be addressed. If something needs to be healed in your marriage, heal it, don’t rush the process by jumping into bed.

Again, this doesn’t apply to every problem. After all, make up sex is a real thing, and often making love helps us resolve conflict! But if it’s something huge, it shouldn’t be rushed, and that’s where counsellors should likely be involved.

3. When Sex Itself Hurts, Just Having Sex Can Damage Your Heart

I’ve written before about how when we first married I suffered from vaginismus, a condition where sex is extremely painful because you’re just too tight. (I share the whole story in The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex).

I was so devastated and upset, because I knew how important sex was to my husband, and I didn’t want to feel like a failure. So instead of saying, “let’s just take things really slowly and figure out what’s going on”, I just bowled through despite the pain.

That was the wrong thing to do. It reinforced in my brain that sex was awful. It made me feel used (even though I was the one that told my husband we should). It made me start to get mad at God (why would He make something that hurt me so much be so necessary for Keith to feel loved?)

And I healed from the ordeal physically much quicker than I did emotionally.

Since then God’s given me the opportunity to speak into so many women’s lives who have been going through this, and they all share the same emotional scars: “why is something that hurts me so much so necessary in our marriage?”

In retrospect, both Keith and I know that if we had taken time to explore sexually without intercourse, and then worked on my issues, it would have been a healthier course of action.

But what if that’s not your problem? What if you suffer from chronic pain, or have other reasons that sex hurts?

We have to find ways to be sexual that are mutual–even when intercourse is painful. If we reinforce intercourse above all else, then we can kill the sexual confidence and libido of the person with pain, and we can really harm that spouse’s heart. I’ve got other posts on what to do when intercourse isn’t possible.

I’m not trying to tell people that they can get out of having sex.

Indeed, I have a series on what “do not deprive“, in 1 Corinthians 7, means.

But I do believe that we should be encouraging couples to make love, not just have sex. We need to be encouraging an intimacy that builds up, not one that tears down. We need to be encouraging two people feeling like one, not one person feeling used. We need to be teaching mutuality, not selfishness.

If you’re in a marriage where you wonder if you fit one of these categories, I really encourage you to seek out a third party and get some help. Don’t walk through this alone, and don’t arbitrarily say, “we don’t have to have sex because I read it on a blog!” I’m saying–get some help. Seek some wise counsel. Pray.

And let’s see the beauty in making love again, rather than the starkness that just having sex can bring to a marriage. By stressing the physical over all else, we deny the beauty of what God created.

Great sex is wonderful. Most of this blog is dedicated to helping you all have great sex! But you can’t have great sex without intimacy, and sometimes you’ve got to deal with that first.

Maybe you aren’t dealing with any of these big problems, but you still don’t necessarily feel that intimacy when you have sex. You can’t quite figure out what “making love” means. Then 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage can help you see how the way you see sex can be holding you back–and open the door to a wonderful and abundant new marriage!

Nine Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage will start shipping August 18–but you can pre-order it now! And everyone who preorders, or who orders it on August 18, will be able to get a whole bunch of free downloadable goodies during all my parties I’m planning for August 18! Just keep watching this blog, or stay in touch through my newsletter so you don’t miss your chance to get your goodies, and come to a bunch of fun parties on the day!

And if you’re in North America, Amazon has the pre-order price at 52% off! It’s only $7.42. So get it today!

Now, what advice do you have for us today? Link up a marriage post in today’s Wifey Wednesday link up party! But be sure to link back here so other people can see these great marriage posts.

The post Wifey Wednesday: When “Just Do It!” Is Bad Advice appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

Top 10 Ways I Bring Happiness into My Life

How to be happy–in the middle of your mess–is the main question we’re all desperately trying to find an answer for.

How can we find happiness even if we’re busy, stressed out, tired, or a little lonely?

Yesterday I was talking about how your husband can’t make you happy–because he can’t fix everything, and he can’t feel all your angst to the same extent you do. Ultimately our own happiness comes not from other people, but from joy and contentment first (finding peace with God and with ourselves), and then we’ll find peace with our circumstances.

But how, practically, do you do that?

I had some pushback yesterday saying, “but my husband is supposed to be there when I’m hurt! He’s supposed to be helping with the kids and relieving my burdens!” To which I’d say, “absolutely!”

And in my book, 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage, I talk about both sides. I start with four thoughts that will help us get our own hearts in the right place; three ideas that will change the way you look at resolving conflict and bringing up issues when your husband ISN’T supporting you; and two thoughts for keeping close.

But I find that often when we’re unhappy we’re so quick to point the finger.

And I think it’s better to really look at our own hearts first. I’m not saying your husband is perfect; on the contrary, I spent all last week talking about what to do if he isn’t! But I am saying that too often we think he’s the sole source of the problem when we play a role too.

And so today I’d like to share the ways that I’ve found to take responsibility for my own happiness.

Too often I think we over-spiritualize this, making it sound as if happiness is there if we’d all just spend four hours a day in prayer and ignore everything else.

That’s not real life–and quite frankly Jesus enjoyed a lot of things other than prayer. Prayer is wonderful, but overspiritualizing problems doesn’t really help most of us. So I want to get practical today!

Usually on Top 10 Tuesday I give you ten ideas, and I tell you to pick 1-3 to actually put into practice (since no one can do all 10!) Today’s a little different. I’m not telling you to pick any of them; I want to use myself as an example, and then encourage you to brainstorm about what ideas will do the same thing for you. I’ll tell you what brings me peace and joy, but since we’re different, the same things may not work for you. But the concepts will.

How To Be Happy Tips: Big Picture
1. Pick Just ONE Bible Verse

I got this concept from Courtney Joseph, who is doing a wonderful job at Women Living Well with her Good Morning Girls series!

I know that we’re constantly told to read our Bibles, and to pray, but for many of us that’s a hard slog. And we can’t do it in the morning. And the more people say, “read your Bible!”, the more inadequate we feel.

Here’s what I do: my husband and I spend 7-9 p.m. together, walking, talking, watching a Netflix show, playing a game. But at 9 I get out my Bible, a nonfiction book I’m reading, and my journal, and I read and write for an hour. I use a devotional to tell me what to read in the Bible everyday.

Then I look for just ONE verse–just one–that really speaks to me from the reading. I write that on a piece of paper, and all the next day I look at it and memorize it and think about it. It helps me focus my thoughts.

Here’s one God gave me on Sunday, when I was struggling with what prayer means:

When we pick a verse, we know that God is speaking to us. That our devotions are interactive. It’s not just you reading; God is speaking too!

You want peace and joy, but don’t compare your spiritual life with other people’s spiritual lives. I’ve tried for years to read my Bible in the morning. I’ve tried the “reading the Bible in 90 days”. It doesn’t work for me. I’d read but not take it in.

Do what works for you. And if all you can take away is one verse–that’s enough! I find if I pray and think about one verse each day, I have an ongoing conversation with God. And it really brings joy!

2. Know My ONE Big Thing for the Year

I know my one big thing that I’m working towards for my business this year, and for my personal life this year. Personally, it’s getting my house cleaned out so my mom can move in. Businesswise, it’s getting some more ebooks written and creating a plan for them.

I know those are my ONE things (well, technically it’s two, but I have two parts of my life).

I take a yearly retreat and pray over these ONE things. And it really does help!

So everyday I do 10 minutes towards my ONE thing. That’s it. Just 10 minutes. And then I can track my progress. When I know that I’m working towards a goal and I’m being purposeful, I tend to feel more positively, like I’m moving towards something God has called me to.

3. Know My ONE Big Thing for the Day

Here’s something else: I know my one thing that I need to get done in the day. The one thing that must be checked off my list. Everything else can fall away, but I need that one thing done.

Today it’s getting a video edited that I hope will go up tomorrow.

But that way, at the end of the day, I’ll have something to point to.

If we start the day knowing our one thing for the day, and our big picture goal we’re working towards, we’re going to end the day feeling like we’ve accomplished something.

And for me personally, I usually feel the least happy when I feel as if I’ve gotten nothing done. When we get frazzled, it’s usually because our day has gotten away from us. We had some things planned, but we didn’t do them. We relaxed in front of Facebook instead, or we responded to every kid’s cry instead of trying to plan something proactive to stop those cries. And then by the afternoon we’ve had nothing done, everyone’s grumpy, and we feel like failures.

If you want to be happy, don’t let life get away from you! Know your ONE thing, and do it!

4. Pick ONE Friend

Here’s a new one I’m starting as an empty nester: every week I’m getting together with one friend for lunch. It won’t always be the same friend (in fact, I hope it’s not!) But I need more women in my life. I spend so much time in front of my computer and talking to my girls and my husband that I can get a little lonely and narrow focused. Friendships help us to step outside of ourselves.

This Saturday I’m having lunch with a friend I’ve known since university and we’re going to commiserate about our girls together. It will be great!

Every week, I know who I’m going to get together with and when. It helps me to know I’m not in this alone.

If you have little kids and you can’t do lunch, can you get together with someone for coffee? Or can you plan a one hour phone conversation with a different friend each week?

5. Get Dressed

This may seem like a no-brainer, but it’s not. I don’t mean yoga pants and a baggy T-shirt. I mean get dressed in something that flatters you. Put on earrings (unless you have toddlers that yank!), and put on some lipstick.

I always feel so much better if I look better. It makes me feel more confident, less like a slouch, more like “I am made for a purpose and I’m going to do battle in the world today!” Yay!

How to Be Happy Tips: Stop and Enjoy

Now we’ve got the big picture things. The next five steps are just small things–tiny things that I add to my life that make me joyful. They’re not big. They’re not elaborate. But they make me happy, because they celebrate the beauty God gave us.

6. Sip Some Herbal Tea

I gave up Diet Pepsi a year ago, and that was tough, because I loved it. So I had to replace it with something. And that something has been tea. I do hot tea and iced tea. White tea and green tea. Black tea and herbal tea. I have so many teas to choose from! I take my tea supply with me when I travel.

It helps me to feel as if I’m enjoying all different tastes, without chemicals. And it’s lovely.

7. Infuse the House with Essential Oils

God gave us five senses, but how often do we indulge them? I love filling my aromatherapy infuser with essential oils both for the scent and for the healing properties. Right now I have a headache blend going–I was feeling a little bit achy today–but it’s so lovely with peppermint and rosemary and juniper.

Ever notice how much of the Song of Solomon has to do with different senses? Let’s use them!

8. Reserve Time to Cook

I used to go through my day not knowing what I was going to make for dinner. Life was too hectic, and I didn’t deal with things until I had to.

Then one day, about eight years ago, I made a startling discovery. I actually LIKE cooking. It smells luscious. It’s amazing that you can take vegetables and meat and broth and turn it into something that looks so lovely and tastes so lovely. It’s using God’s raw ingredients to create–so cool!

So now dinner prep is MY time. When the girls were little they had that time off to play or do whatever they wanted–as long as they left me alone. And it’s still my favourite part of the day. I plan what I’ll make the night before and get all things out of the freezer, but then I cook. And I relax. And I’m happy.

9. Go For a Walk

When my girls were little and driving me crazy, I had one go-to method that calmed us all down: I’d stick them in a stroller and head outside, even if it was freezing and snowing.

Getting out of the house always worked its magic.

I love fresh air. I love seeing my neighbours. I love time to breathe.

These days, whenever I’m frustrated with some writing, or I can’t think of what to say next, or I’m stuck with emails, I knock on Katie’s door (she’ll be gone in two weeks! Yikes!) and I say, “let’s go for a walk.” She hardly ever says no.

If my husband’s home, I take him, too.

And if no one’s home, I go by myself.

I pray. I think. I breathe.

And then I come home.

10. Just Feel

I take time everyday just to FEEL–in the physical sense. Whether it’s some stretching, or asking my husband to give me a massage (or treating myself to a professional one occasionally), or going for a jog, I try to feel.

We live our lives almost entirely in our heads, and I think that’s what often gets the dissatisfaction going. If we can take time everyday to STOP and ENJOY, it makes a difference.

So feel–stretch, exercise, massage. Breathe. Smell. Drink. Revel in the wonderful things that God has made. Give yourself a minute to enjoy something beautiful. And then continue to work on your big picture things that give you purpose.

Those are my ten things. Yours may be different. You may include listening to music (I find I’m loving silence more and more), or digging something in the garden, or sketching something.

But notice what isn’t on the list: Netflix. Computer games. Facebook. Do I do these things? Yes, I do. But I know they don’t make me happy. If I fill my life with those I will feel chronically dissatisfied. That’s not to say we CAN’T do them. But if you want to be happy, you’ve got to find ways to seek out God’s purpose, fulfill that purpose, and revel and enjoy what He has made.

Creativity is one of the ways we’re made in the image of God–and too often we squeeze creativity out of our lives.

As I said yesterday,  your happiness is a gift you can give your husband.

My happiness is a gift I can give my husband--so let's find ways to bring joy into our days!
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When we are happy and at peace, he doesn’t have to solve anything. He can take a deep breath, relax, and revel in being at home. So if there are things that you can do to find that joy and contentment, you’ll also find your happiness. And that will boost your marriage tremendously!

This post is based upon Thought #3: My husband can’t make me happy by himself.

Nine Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage will start shipping August 18–but you can pre-order it now! And everyone who preorders, or who orders it on August 18, will be able to get a whole bunch of free downloadable goodies during all my parties I’m planning for August 18! Just keep watching this blog, or stay in touch through my newsletter so you don’t miss your chance to get your goodies, and come to a bunch of fun parties on the day!

And if you’re in North America, Amazon has the pre-order price at 52% off! It’s only $7.42. So get it today!

Let me know in the comments: What makes you happy? What small things can you do to bring joy into your life?

 

 

The post Top 10 Ways I Bring Happiness into My Life appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

My Husband Can’t Make Me Happy

Are you waiting for your husband to make you happy?

“Our marriage was never fabulous,” my friend Julie told me. “And it went down substantially when we had kids.” Her first child was extremely colicky. Her second baby was born prematurely and was on a heart monitor for six months. She’d not anticipated how difficult motherhood would be, and it threw her for a loop.

“I was completely out of my element, and I kept expecting my husband to fix it,” Julie said. But her husband was out of his element too. Although he had the job world under control, he didn’t know how to step in and control the home front. Julie explained:

I felt like he wasn’t helping me, but he didn’t know what to do any more than I did. I was trying to make him into my savior, and he wasn’t my savior. He was supposed to be my partner. Mean-while, he was feeling overwhelmed in a different way. His wife had become a complete mess. “Where’s the beautiful wife I married?” he’d say. And I was blaming him for making her disappear.

When I was a personal mess, my husband tried to fix it. When it wasn’t fixable, he wanted to step away. It just made him feel badly. He didn’t know how to react to me.

The more Julie’s husband stepped away, the more Julie started to notice all the ways that he wasn’t meeting her needs. Add to that her own insecurity as a mom, and her personal mess grew worse and worse.

Can you relate to Julie?

I can.

Julie’s story ended up in my upcoming book, 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage. I was telling you all about the book last week, and we were looking at some of the more controversial elements–how sometimes you have to confront sin in your husband’s life, and we weren’t always called to keep silent.

But if you were to ask me which of the 9 “thoughts” was the hardest for me personally, it would be this one: realizing that my husband was not put on earth to make me happy.

I’ve been through a tough year and a half. It started with a lot of health problems, and ended with a personal struggle I’ve been praying through and agonizing about. And what’s bugged me the most is that I can’t share that personal struggle with Keith in the way that I want to, because it’s not his struggle. He doesn’t feel the same way about the issue as I do (it’s not a marriage issue, by the way. It’s something totally different.)

Here’s what I think we women often do–what both Julie and I have done: when we are having a personal problem, we expect our husbands to enter into that problem, to walk through it with us, to comfort us, and even to fix it. To do something about it. To be our big champion!

But isn’t being our champion God’s role?

If your husband doesn’t get as riled up or as upset about something as you do, that doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you. It just means that he has a different perspective.

The problem women make is that we expect our husbands to slog through all our problems alongside us; the problem many men make is that they try to handle their problems alone.

Neither approach is right.

I don’t know what’s bothering you today–if you’re worried about a relationship, or worried about your kids, or worried about money. It’s okay to have things that are burdening you. But let’s make sure that we put the onus for fixing those problems where it belongs: with ourselves and with God, not with our husbands. Sure, they can help. Sure, they can sympathize (my husband’s been very good at that). But they don’t have to enter into the problem the way that we do.

Here’s what Julie learned:

One day, when her children were still preschoolers, Julie looked in the mirror and felt as if she didn’t recognize herself anymore. She used to be a confident woman with drive and dreams who could take on the world; now she was a mess who was always angry. “I finally realized I couldn’t force having the relationship I wanted. I wanted me back. I honestly think my prayers even changed, from less of a ‘God, just fix everything, and everyone, around me’ to ‘Lord, just help me be better.’”

And how did she get better?

She figured out God’s formula for happiness.

I share it in detail in the book, but I want to give you a glimpse into it.

Let’s start with first principles: happiness is about being happy with your circumstances. Happiness is really based on this earth–with liking what’s going on around  you. That’s why happiness is so fickle, because we can’t control our circumstances.

I’ve found the best explanation of happiness to be this one:

Happiness is having what you want, which is only possible when God helps you to want what you have.

If we stop at that first half–having what you want–we’ll always be unhappy, because our wants are unlimited. We can always figure out something else that we need. We are, at heart, envious people.

What we really need, then, is for God to change our hearts so that we want what He has given us. I think that’s what Psalm 37:4 means:

Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart.

It’s not that God gives you what you desire; it’s that He actually gives you your desires.

As you grow closer to Him, you start to desire the things of God. And when you possess those, you become happy.

So, in other words, happiness is a by-product of something else. Happiness isn’t the first step at all; it’s something that only comes after we wrestle with God. Happiness, I believe, can only come after joy and contentment, because they’re not the same thing.

Here’s how I explain it:

Joy is an emotion that looks upward; contentment is an emotion that looks inward; and happiness is an emotion that looks outward. Joy says, “How great is our God!” Contentment says, “It is well with my soul.” And happiness says, “What a wonderful husband I have!”

Happiness is important. We all want to enjoy our marriages. But the ability to enjoy marriage depends first and foremost on our perspective. And what determines that? Our attitude toward God (looking upward) and our heart attitude (looking inward). When we have joy and contentment, happiness in marriage will become much more attainable.

I know we hear that all the time–that we can’t be happy until we first have Jesus. It sounds so cliche. But the thing is–it’s true. It’s not a pat answer because it always applies.

Ladies, we’re all going to go through periods, like Julie, when we are exhausted and stretched beyond our limits. I did when I had health problems; Julie did when she had little kids. Our husbands can be sympathetic. Our husbands can walk alongside and pray with us. But they can’t feel it in the same way that we do, and they can’t always fix it.

But men like to fix things. That’s one of their motivating forces. So when we have a problem and he can’t fix it, he will withdraw. He’ll feel useless. And that will make our situation worse.

The biggest lesson that I have learned in the last year is this one:

My happiness is a gift that I can give my husband.

When I am happy (which only flows from joy and contentment), my husband is free. He doesn’t have to fix anything. He can just love me, and have fun with me, and dote on me without feeling like he’s somehow doing something wrong. What a blessing!

My happiness is a gift I can give my husband--because then he doesn't have to fix anything!
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It’s been tough. It was tough for Julie–she had to learn how to bring God into her daily life and how to set up systems so that she could cope with two difficult preschoolers. I have had to learn to spend much more time in prayer to wrestle through my own issues. I’ve had to learn to fill my life with little bits of joy. I’ve had to find more discipline.

But it’s been worth it, because now I can say to Keith, “let’s go on a hike this weekend!”, and we can, and there’s no lingering feeling like he’s disappointing me.

Here we are, on Saturday, during a 10 km trek (seriously, it felt a lot longer with all the hills):

Tomorrow I want to share with you my Top 10 ways for creating happiness–and thus giving your husband the gift of a happy wife! It’s just a snippet of what’s in the book–seriously, there’s so much more–but I hope it will help you.

But today I wanted to let you know that I learned a lot while writing this book. I have struggled with many of these issues, too, and this one in particular has been a journey for me.  I hope you can take this journey with me.

Nine Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage will start shipping August 18–but you can pre-order it now! And everyone who preorders, or who orders it on August 18, will be able to get a whole bunch of free downloadable goodies during all my parties I’m planning for August 18! Just keep watching this blog, or stay in touch through my newsletter so you don’t miss your chance to get your goodies, and come to a bunch of fun parties on the day!

And if you’re in North America, Amazon has the pre-order price at 52% off! It’s only $7.42. So get it today!

The post My Husband Can’t Make Me Happy appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

Why I’m Feeling Discombobulated

Is discombobulated a word other people use? We say it all the time in my house–when you just feel like the world is a little upside down and you can’t quite get your feet under you.

Anyway, my head is in a million different places, and I thought I’d share some of my angst today so that you can all commiserate.

And since it’s Friday, when I usually do my Round-Up of what’s number 1 here on the blog and a peek inside my personal life, it seemed like a good time to spill!

But first, here are the biggest posts you won’t want to miss:

What’s #1 at To Love, Honor and Vacuum

Every week I share what’s been hot on the blog and on social media, but I thought I’d add two new categories: #1 on Instagram and #1 on the blog that was written THIS week. (The Instagram thing I’ll put lower down). So we’ll have two categories: what was the biggest post on the blog, and what was the biggest that’s actually new. That way you all can make sure you didn’t miss a good one, but you’ll also rediscover some older posts  you may not have seen before!

#1 New Post on the Blog: Top 10 Christian Pat Answers About Marriage

#1 on the Blog: Top 10 Tips for Initiating Sex

#1 on Facebook: Sex and Family Vacations

#1 on Pinterest: When You Don’t Want to Make Love

 

Why I’m Discombobulated
I’m Seriously Behind

I love my upcoming book, 9 Thoughts That Will Change Your Marriage. I poured so much of THIS blog into the book–posts and debates I’ve had with people, emails that have been sent, comments and questions. It’s really my thinking about marriage as its progressed over the years of interacting with you all and seeing just how messy so much of life is.

But then my publisher set a release date of August 18–a month after my daughter’s wedding and three weeks after my other daughter’s birthday.

And I just feel like I’m so behind! I’m supposed to plan a blog tour, and I haven’t done it yet. So if you’re a blogger and you’d like a copy of the book, leave a comment and I’ll get it to you, okay?

By the way–I don’t think August 18 is a BAD date or anything. It’s actually perfect, because it’s in time for women’s groups to pick it up to use as their Bible study this fall. And seriously, it would make for GREAT discussion!

I’m Not Sure I’m Doing The Book Justice

But I’m not sure if I’ve been representing the book well this week in my posts (on why pat answers don’t work; 10 pat answers we hear about marriage; how thoughts can change a marriage; how the Bible has more than just 5 passages that pertain to marriage). I think I’ve been emphasizing the controversial parts too much, like the parts that have to do with what to do if you’re in a rough marriage.

Really the book is about 1/3 how YOU can change, 1/3 how to handle conflict and confront sin if necessary, and 1/3 how to handle staying close, with sex and doing stuff together. So it’s not all submission submission submission. But that’s what people often lash on to. Honestly, it’s a fun book, and I open  up a lot about my own marriage lately–even more than I’ve done on this blog.

I’m just not sure if what I’ve shared this week really does it justice. Sigh.

Yesterday Would Have Been My Son’s 19th Birthday

I shared that on Facebook; didn’t share it here. I just didn’t know what else to say, because I’ve written about it before. Here’s the first article I ever had published, shortly after he died, called “The Least of These“.

I kept busy yesterday. Made chicken stock, made a pot roast, reorganized my freezer, inventoried my teas, and all kinds of things. Didn’t get a lot done for the book, but was active all day. I think it was for the best.

I’m a Little Ticked at Young Christian Men

And then on a personal level, I’m just a little bit ticked at young Christian men, and discouraged for mature Christian girls of my daughters’ ages (which is not to say that all Christian girls are mature; just that I know quite a few who really are.)

Here’s the thing: I know a lot of 18-23 year old women who are honestly ready for a serious relationship and to start looking for their life partner. But I know few men in that category.

My youngest daughter was visiting some friends last week and ended up talking to a 21-year-old girl at length about her experience with men at a Christian university this year. This lovely woman, who is very attractive, has been strung along by about 3 guys over the course of the year. You know–“wined and dined”, so to speak, and fussed over, and brought popcorn for movie nights, and chatted til 2 in the morning, thinking that perhaps this was going somewhere, only to find out weeks later that he’s been doing this with other girls at the same time. Or, in another case, that he already had a girlfriend.

These are good Christian guys in every other way. But they seem to see nothing wrong with playing with girls’ emotions. And when challenged, they say, “Oh, I’m not ready for any relationship yet.”

I’ve seen too much of this lately in my social circle, and it’s making me despair a bit for Christian women who are trying to do the right thing. Sigh.

Here’s How You Can Win with 9 Thoughts That Will Change Your Marriage

I’ve been telling people that if they pre-order the book before August 18, or buy it on August 18, they’re going to get some goodies!

So you may be wondering, how does that work exactly?

Well, on this blog on August 18 I’ll be giving you an email address to forward your receipt for the book. When I get that, I’ll send you back download links to a bunch of marriage and parenting related ebooks and charts and more that can help you in your journey, gathered from some of my blogging buddies. So everyone will get that!

Then, everyone who sends me a receipt will also be entered in a contest to win five different prizes, including some biggies! I haven’t fully decided on them all yet, but I’m thinking one of them will be winning ME to come to speak at your church with my Girl Talk–and I’ll waive the fee! There will also be book bundles and Amazon gift cards galore.

To be sure you don’t miss out, sign up for my marriage newsletter. That way even if you don’t get to the blog that day, you’ll get a link to enter the contest!

And, as always,

Have a College Freshman in Your Family?

I do! My daughter’s heading off to college (we say university here in Canada; college means something else) in just a few weeks.

And my older daughter (who is going into her senior year) has been writing a great 10-day series on her blog called “The Freshman’s Guide to College“. She’s got posts on back to school shopping, saving money on college textbooks, making friends in college, and more! She’s on Day 5 of a 10-Day Series, so check it out, and send it to some nervous freshmen you know!

Neat Stuff I’ve Found on the Web This Week

A great blogging buddy of mine, J from Hot, Holy and Humorous, has been answering some hard questions on her blog. She tackled BDSM this week (yes, she really went THERE), and I thought it was great.

My author friend Shaunti Feldhahn (I’m a big fan of her research!) has a new book out on how men are visual. But she often gets pushback from women: “Hey! I’m tempted by a hot guy, too!” In this article she explains why the temptations we experience are actually quite different. Read it and then tell me what you think.

A long-time reader and blogging buddy Ngina Otiende shared an older post of hers on 10 Things To Know Before Your Wedding Night. Loved it!

Ngina recently led a marriage conference for marriage leaders in Kenya, and I told her that I SOOOOO want to go with her next time. My heart is to encourage marriage leaders in Africa, and I know I have so many South African, Kenyan, and Nigerian readers here (waving at you and saying hello right now!). I would love to take that ministry beyond this blog and head to Africa sometime, with someone like Ngina who has connections and is part of that culture. So we’ll see!

I’m Going Hiking Tomorrow!

My husband and I have been talking about how we need to find new ways to spend time together what with both girls being gone soon. So we’ve decided to take up hiking! We’re heading out tomorrow, and I hope to post on it next week and share some pics. (It actually fits in well with Thought #9 in my book: You Can’t Drift Together. You Can Only Drift Apart. So Don’t Drift!)

What can you do this weekend to stop the drift?

What’s #1 on Instagram

Okay, this post actually wasn’t #1, because I already shared my #1 post yesterday. But this was next!

Mailing out a copy of my new book 9 Thoughts That Can Change a Marriage to my first winner! It hits stores August 18!

A photo posted by Sheila Gregoire (@sheilagregoire) on Aug 6, 2015 at 11:31am PDT

That’s everything I’ve been thinking about and doing this week! What about you? What’s been on your mind? What do you think about “fighting the drift”? Or about the state of dating for young Christian adults? Or about how men and women are visually tempted? Let’s just chat today. I need something to distract me.

The post Why I’m Feeling Discombobulated appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

What the Bible Says About Marriage: It’s More Than 5 Passages

Some days I’m just overwhelmed by all the emails and comments on this blog–especially comments on older posts which people arrive at in crisis. Marriage is often messy, and sometimes so downright hard.

It’s also a great source of joy to most of us (I hope!), but even in happy marriages there are times when we get ticked off, when we feel lonely, or when we wish that something would change.

And that’s why I wrote 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage, because we can’t be superficial about marriage. It’s complicated because two different people are involved. And people are complex!

One of my pet peeves is marriage advice that seems to forget that marriage is messy.

I call that kind of advice “pat answers”, and I was asked in the comments yesterday what exactly I mean by that. Let me take a stab at it here:

A pat answer is a suggested solution to a problem which DOES work–in some situations. But it’s presented as if it’s the answer to every situation, even though quite often it doesn’t fit at all.

And I would argue that Bible verses are sometimes presented as pat answers.

We’re told to “win him without words”, like it says in 1 Peter 3, without taking into account that there are many instances in Scripture where women were specifically told to speak up. Or we’re told to “just love on him and God will bless you for it” forgetting that there are other instances in Scripture where we’re told to enact consequences when someone sins.

What the Bible says about marriage can’t be confined to just a few verses.

God’s purpose is always to bring people closer to Himself. He wants all of us looking more and more like Jesus, and that should be our aim, too–that we look more like Jesus, and that those around us do as well. But even though that is always our aim, that doesn’t mean that we will always act in exactly the same manner. Different circumstances may call for different approaches.

I’ve received some pushback from people saying that I’m abandoning the Bible because I say that “just submit”, for instance, isn’t the proper response to every marriage problem. I’m sorry people feel that way, but quite frankly I think that they are the ones who are ignoring the Bible, because they’re ignoring the REST of Scripture. And we have to use the whole of Scripture to interpret Scripture.

I wrote on Monday how, when we talk about marriage, we tend to turn to just five passages: Ephesians 5, 1 Peter 3, 1 Corinthians 7, 1 Corinthians 13, and Proverbs 31, with perhaps some Genesis 2-3 thrown in. But the Bible is more than those 5 passages.

And today I’d like to share the voices of two other readers of this blog who have chimed in on just that point.

First, Kim Martin left a really thoughtful comment on my blog post When The Way We Talk About Submission Turns People Off of Christ. She said (and I’m shortening a bit):

Some religious groups use “win without words (1 Pe 3:1)” to silence wives married to unbelieving and/or disobedient husbands in ways that the Bible never intended.

ALL Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness (2 Tim 3:16). Last time I checked, ALL wasn’t limited or confined to just the verses that Paul and Peter wrote about women and wives.

The Bible tells us that “there is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens: (Ec 3:1) a time to be silent AND a time to speak (v. 7B).”

Being silent (without words) and speaking up are both Biblical and purposeful. It’s important that the wife of an unbelieving and/or rebellious, disobedient husband understand the purpose and benefits of both methods: silence (without words) and speaking up.

What the Bible says about being silent:

A wife who knows when and how to restrain her words has knowledge. “Whoever restrains his words has knowledge.” Pr 17:27A

A wife who controls her mouth can protect her own life, but the wife who has a big mouth could ruin everything. “Whoever controls his mouth protects his own life. Whoever has a big mouth comes to ruin.” Pr 13:3

Watching her tongue and keeping her mouth shut could help a wife stay out of trouble. “Watch your tongue and keep your mouth shut, and you will stay out of trouble.” Pr 21:23

What the Bible says about speaking up:

A wife can protect herself by speaking wise words. “What a fool says brings a rod to his back, but the words of the wise protect them.” Pr 14:3

A wise wife can bring healing by speaking up. “The words of the reckless pierce like swords, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.” Pr 12:18 “Gracious words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.” Pr 16:24

A wife can deflect anger by giving her husband a gentle answer. “A gentle answer deflects anger…” Pr 15:1

When a wife gives her husband an honest answer, metaphorically, it’s like kissing her husband on the lips. “An honest answer is like a kiss on the lips.” Pr 24:26

Pr 31:10 tells us that a wife of noble character “opens her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of kindness.” Therefore, one of the primary functions of a wise wife is speaking (opening her mouth) with wisdom.

When Esther’s words were reported to Mordecai, he sent back this answer: “Do not think that because you are in the king’s house you alone of all the Jews will escape. FOR IF YOU REMAIN SILENT AT THIS TIME, relief and deliverance for the Jews will arise from another place, but you and your father’s family will perish. And who knows but that you have come to your royal position for such a time as this?” Es 4:12-14

Those who have read the book of Esther know that she didn’t remain silent (without words). She spoke to her husband about what was going on. As a result, Esther helped save the Jews from annihilation.

Some religious groups quote 1 Pe 3:1 (without words) disproportionately. Being silent (without words) is Biblical, and it can beneficial. However, the win without words response is NOT the only Biblical or beneficial response. The Bible also has a lot to say and illustrate about the value of speaking up in a timely, wise and gentle manner.

So well said!

And then here’s an email I received after a similar blog post:

There is wise and relevant advice for mostly normal and relatively healthy married couples. Then there is wise and relevant advice for neglectful, abusive, destructive, or addiction bound marriages.

THE ADVICE IS NOT THE SAME.

Women who have married good men who listen to them, show them affection, and work hard to support their families think they can look at other women (in marriages absolutely nothing like that) and say things like, “Encourage encourage encourage, just pray more! Step back so he can lead.”

Women whose husbands are faithful and not addicted to porn tell women whose husbands ARE addicted to porn, “Be more free with your body. Let your husband see you naked a lot. Have sex regularly so he doesn’t look to porn even more.”

It’s hogwash.

People need to stop further damaging these wives who come for some empathy, help, and support by telling them that they should just wish, hope, pray, and submit more and their husband will stop sinning. The wife goes home, martyrs her sanity some more, goes on meds just so she can get out of bed and take care of the kids, and has sex in the dark while crying her eyes out and trying to pretend she’s on a beach somewhere because she listens to these people who DON’T UNDERSTAND they shouldn’t give blanket marriage advice.

My husband has been addicted to porn for 5 awful years and after being at the point of self-harm and meds, I finally realized the people “speaking into my life” were wrong. I didn’t need to “forgive my dad” and then the porn wouldn’t bother me so much. I didn’t need to “be naked more and have more sex” so he wouldn’t look to porn. I didn’t need to “cover his sin in love” and live an isolated lonely life just to protect his reputation.

I needed people to confront his sin. I needed people to look at me and say, “It’s normal you feel this way because your husband’s sin has caused great harm to you.”

I needed people who would stand up for God’s best for both my husband and myself with the goal of reconciliation–NOT a goal of me being more submissive and forgiving and sexual in an effort to break his cycle of sin.

I love her point–that we’re to “stand up for God’s best for both my husband and myself”. I sometimes think that many would define “God’s best” as women always submitting to what their husbands want.

No, God’s best is that we be transformed to look more like Jesus.

Submitting ourselves to our husband’s welfare–to what is best for him and to what God is doing in his life–is how we can start to accomplish that. But submitting to a sinful husband’s will is submitting to sin. And we are never asked to do that (and Sapphira, in Acts 5, is struck dead for submitting in that manner).

Let’s just look more like Jesus, people.

Can you imagine how much better life would be if we all took responsibility for our actions, and if we all were working towards each other’s good? That’s what God wants for us–and that’s the big message behind what the Bible says about marriage.

Some of you are in hard marriages, and some of you are in great ones and just want to stop jeopardizing that “greatness” by getting ticked off. I know that this book can help you, because my marriage has been in both extremes. Even now, as Keith and I are reinventing ourselves as empty nesters, I’ve found I’ve had to revisit a lot of the principles I share, on a daily basis.

A great relationship doesn’t happen by accident.

I need to be deliberate. And that means listening to all of what God is saying and wrestling it out–not relying on simple formula for complex situations.

I hope that makes sense! And again–I do so appreciate thoughtful emails and comments like these ones. They make me see that I’m saying something important, and God really uses those words to encourage me. Thank you to the others who emailed me this week telling me to keep my chin up. I did, and your words really helped!

I’m going against a lot of conventional wisdom in this book, and that’s frightening for people. I wish it didn’t have to be. Let’s look like Jesus–all of Jesus, not just a part of Him. That should be our aim.

9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage launches August 18–but you can pick up a copy now for 50% off (in North America!). And anyone who pre-orders, or who purchases it on August 18–will get a chance to enter a contest to win some awesome prizes which I’m still putting together. And you’ll get a bundle of downloadable freebies on that day, too!

And from my Instagram feed yesterday:

Look what just arrived! My new book, 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage, which starts shipping August 18! Check out the blog today for an excerpt. (And don’t you love my sandal tan lines?)

A photo posted by Sheila Gregoire (@sheilagregoire) on Aug 5, 2015 at 11:48am PDT

The post What the Bible Says About Marriage: It’s More Than 5 Passages appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

Wifey Wednesday: How Thoughts Can Change a Marriage

Can the way you think about marriage actually hurt your marriage?

On August 18 my new book, 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage, will officially launch (though you can pre-order it now!). And this month we’ll be looking at that essential question: is what you think holding you back from marital bliss?

Today’s Wednesday, the day that we always talk about marriage, so I thought it would be a good day to share an excerpt from the book about my own journey with faulty thinking–really the heart of the message. And then I’ll give you who are bloggers a chance to link up your own marriage posts below, too!

But before I do that, it’s time to announce some winners of some of the contests I’ve had going!

First, I asked on Facebook for some pat answers that you’re often told that don’t really work. I got almost 100 replies (so cool, and they were awesome, too!), and I drew a random commenter. It was Katie R.! I’ve messaged her, and thank you.

Then last week I ran a great post by Arlene Pellicane about how Dads Roll Differently, talking about her new book 31 Days to Becoming a Happy Mom. I picked Emily, a random commenter on that blog post, and we’re sending her a book.

And you can still win!

…even a $100 Visa gift card! Don’t forget to comment on Lean Cuisine’s post What You Want to be Weighed On. They’ve got a great video out that talks about how we should celebrate our effort and accomplishments, not our appearance. And I’ve chimed in with what I think is important. Come on over, chime in yourself, and you just may win! There aren’t too many entries yet so your chances are pretty good. Enter here.

And take just a minute or two to enter my book giveaway post! We’re giving away another copy of 31 Days to Becoming a Happy Mom, plus a few copies of Lovemaking (a great book I recently endorsed), and a collection of 10 ebooks. So go now!

And now here’s the excerpt:

Keith and I had both waited for marriage to have sex, and we both assumed that it would be wonderful, mind-blowing, and perfectly natural. But it wasn’t. It was awkward, it was messy, and worst of all, it hurt. Whenever Keith wanted to make love, I felt rejected, because he wanted something that made me miserable.

My frustration finally grew to the point where I wondered, Why can’t he just love me for me and not for what I can do for him? I accused him of selfishness. Of not loving me. Of being a Neanderthal who couldn’t control his passions. The more we fought over sex, the more certain I became that he didn’t value me. I felt so lonely, and yet instead of being sympathetic and wrapping me in a bear hug, Keith lobbed accusations right back: “Why don’t you care about my feelings? Why don’t you want me?”

After I had prayed for two exhausting years that he would start caring about me, a thought entered my head: Do you believe the only one who can fix this relationship is Keith? Don’t you have something to do with it?

I didn’t particularly like that thought, and so I vehemently argued with myself about why changing was impossible. Even if we only considered sex, how was I supposed to enjoy something so gross and uncomfortable?

Then another thought hit me even harder: If God says that sex is good, and the whole world says that sex is good, maybe you should start figuring out how to make sex good.

I was stunned.

If that thought was right, then the responsibility fell on me to do something about my struggle.

I had to stop thinking sex was awful and start thinking, Sex is great—I just don’t have it all figured out yet. The problem may have started in the bedroom, but it wasn’t a problem with sex. It was a problem with how I was thinking.

The next few years in our marriage became my big research project into this thing called Us. I decided to conquer this sex issue once and for all, because if God created something this great, no way was I going to miss it! I read books and talked to friends about how to make sex work. I talked to wise mentors about how to deal with past issues that held people back. I studied Keith to glean what made him feel loved. Slowly but surely, I fell madly in love with Keith again. And thankfully, he with me too.

Faulty Thinking Leaves Us Stuck

My marriage was stuck when I believed that Keith’s libido was the cause of all our fights. After all, if his sex drive was the problem, then the only solution I could see was to make Keith want sex less. I threw my energy into that dead-end goal: I bought a wardrobe of long flannel nightgowns; I com-plained constantly about headaches; and I stopped kissing in all its forms.

I was fruitlessly expending all this energy, making myself and my husband frustrated, because I suffered from faulty thinking. It was only when I realized that I had a different option—instead of investing so much energy into getting Keith to want sex less, I could figure out how to make me want it more—did things begin to change.

When our options are limited, it’s easy to become hopeless. I believed that my marriage couldn’t get better until Keith changed, but I had no control over that. So I was stuck. And when you’re stuck, you stop trying—or you do counterproductive things, such as emptying out the local Salvation Army of all their granny nightgowns. You’re not fixing your marriage; you’re digging a deeper hole.

But what if that initial thought was wrong? What if peace and joy are not dependent on someone else changing,

but they instead flow from God giving us the ability to choose how to think, how to feel, and how to respond? We can choose to make our life fulfilling by aligning our thoughts more with God’s. Jesus, after all, isn’t just our way to salvation. He is Truth itself (John 14:6). When we grow close to Jesus, he reveals Truth. That lets us see all the options before us. Then we won’t feel stuck—we’ll know that there is always a way forward.

Christians Get Stuck in Marriage, Too

That sounds a bit like a clichéd bumper sticker, though, doesn’t it? “Are you stuck? You just need Jesus!” While this pat statement has a foundation of truth, if it were really that easy, wouldn’t all Christians have great marriages?

Yes, we would, and I think it’s to our shame that we don’t. But I’ve seen lots of faulty thinking in Christian circles that goes something like this:

If you have a problem in your marriage, then the answer is always to pray more, submit more, or love more. If you just pray more, your husband will stop the porn. If you just submit more, your husband will become a leader and stop playing all those video games. If you just love him more, he’ll stop being a workaholic and start remembering your birthday. Do these things, and your husband will change and you will be happy.

Now prayer, of course, is one of the best weapons we have in bringing peace to our lives, and I certainly don’t mean to discount its importance. But the reason behind the prayer matters. If you pray only to get God to do something, then you treat God like Santa Claus or a rabbit’s foot, not a Savior with a claim on your life.

Prayer should always be about submission to God’s will; it should not be about convincing God to do yours.

Prayer should be about submission to God’s will; it should not be about convincing God to do yours.
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Similarly, submission and love are among the noblest pursuits, but if your purpose in doing them is to cajole your husband into doing something to make you happy, then that’s manipulation too. And your faulty thinking—that you need your husband to change in order for you to be happy limits your options for improving your marriage. You’re stuck.

These ideas that enter our consciousness—that by praying and loving enough we will have a happy marriage—are what I will call “pat answers.” They promise the moon and make marriage look so easy. But despite the initial seduction of the “promise,” ultimately these pat answers don’t work, because they put the responsibility for change in someone else’s hands. It’s not you, fully submitted to God, who acts to bring about change; it’s God all by himself, or your husband, or a friend. You become a bystander.

____

That’s from the intro!

So let me ask  you today: Do you feel like a bystander in your marriage–like you’re twisting yourself into a pretzel trying to get someone else to fix things, because you figure there’s nothing that you can do?

Most of us are stuck there at some point or other. And unfortunately the church can make this problem worse. The way that we talk about prayer, and the way that we talk about male leadership, has made so many women stuck, just like I was.

It wasn’t that I didn’t pray–I did. I prayed a ton. But I prayed for the wrong things because I was thinking the wrong things. And I thought the responsibility for actually fixing things rested on my husband and on God.

It was only when I saw that God wanted so much more for me–freedom, and passion, and love–and that these things were possible if I just thought differently–that my marriage started to change.

That’s the heart for my book. I want women to see that God doesn’t want you stuck–and you aren’t really stuck. You just may need to think about your marriage in a different way. Whether it’s a relatively small issue, a general malaise, or a big thing that’s keeping you from feeling like you’re one, God does have a way forward for you. He really does. Let me show you!

The book is available August 18, and I’ll be doing a big party on that day (more about that soon!) where people who pre-order the book or who order it then can get a ton of freebies. But for today, let me leave you with this thought: Instead of praying that God will make your marriage better, can you pray that God will help you think clearly about this issue? Maybe all it takes a bit of a mind shift to make all the difference in the world!

Now it’s your turn! If you’re a blogger, link up a marriage post in the linky below. And then be sure to link back here so other people can read these great marriage posts, too!

The post Wifey Wednesday: How Thoughts Can Change a Marriage appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

Top 10 Christian Pat Answers About Marriage

Sometimes Christian marriage advice just doesn’t work.

As we get ready for the launch of my new book, 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage, I asked on my Facebook Page for people to share some “pat answers” about marriage that they often hear, but that is exactly the wrong thing to do. Thank you so much for all your responses! They were great to read through. And so many of them were in my book, too–which helps me to know that I’m on the right track!

So today I’m going to share the Top 10 Pat Christian Marriage Advice that doesn’t work.

Pat Answer Christian Marriage Advice That Makes Small Things Bigger

In this first category we’re talking about when you’re upset about relatively little things, that are likely fairly easily solved. But instead of tackling them in a healthy manner, we think God is asking us to do something quite different. And we end up making what might be a small thing linger, rather than nipping it in the bud.

Ever heard any of these?

1. Don’t go to bed angry!

The #1 pat answer that was mentioned in that Facebook post was “Don’t go to bed angry!” It’s taken from Ephesians 4:26, which says this:

“In your anger do not sin”: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry.

People too often take that to mean that if you’re angry, you can’t go to sleep. You have to stay up until 4 in the morning hashing it out.

But if we do that, we often say stupid things because we’re overtired.  If we sleep on it, the problem often seems much smaller in the morning!

There’s a difference between going to bed without resolving an issue, knowing that you’re going to talk about it later, and going to bed absolutely incensed. Deciding to talk about something later is often very good advice!

2. Just pray about it more.

Whenever we have a problem we are definitely to take it to God. But sometimes the way we talk about prayer makes it sound like this is ALL we do.

One Facebook commenter explained it like this:

You can pray for help with a situation but more than likely some work is going to be required after prayer. You might even have to wait for God to lead you on the right path but often He doesn’t just solve our problems with no work on our part.

Exactly!

Let’s say that you’re feeling neglected by your husband because you haven’t done anything, just the two of you, in months.

What should you do: pray about it–or pray about it and then talk to him? Or plan a date night just the two of you? Or figure out what you can cut out of your schedule?

So often we feel like “God is close to the broken hearted”, so when we’re sad, we’re supposed to lay it all at His feet. Well, yes. But maybe there’s more you should be doing, too! Prayer isn’t supposed to be a “get out of responsibility for making your life better card!” Maybe what you really need is to pray that God will show you how to fix this problem yourself.

3. Just grow closer to God and your marriage problems will disappear.

Here’s another goodie–a variant on the one above. Yes, as we grow closer to God we become holier, and that often makes our part in the marriage problem minimized. Absolutely.

But often what happens is that there are very real issues that need to be dealt with in marriage. And rather than deal with those, we run to God, hoping that God will then make it better for us.

So we’re not trying to get closer to God for the sake of getting closer to God; we’re trying to get closer to God so that He’ll go and beat someone up for us, sort of like he’s a protective older brother.

That’s manipulation!

How about this: Grow closer to God, and then ask for wisdom for what you should do to make your marriage better?

Thought #4 is all about taking responsibility for our own happiness, rather than expecting God, or your husband, to give it to you. And it’s much more effective.

4. Love him according to his love language, and he’ll love you according to yours!

Or another variation: respect him, and he’ll love you!

Yes, women need love and men need respect. Yes, we all have love languages and it’s good to learn them. But thinking that just because we act in a loving way means that he will automatically return the favour is to misunderstand human nature.

It assumes that the reason that he isn’t loving you according to your love language is because you aren’t doing something. But what if there’s another reason? What if he’s tired? What if he’s stressed? What if he just plain doesn’t know your love language? What if he has unresolved issues and he has difficulty reaching out emotionally?

If you need something in marriage, it’s your job to tell him. And make it really simple and obvious what he needs to do! I told my husband this weekend: I feel like we need to do more fun things together where we feel like we’ve accomplished something, not just where we’ve spent a day vegging together. So I suggested that we start hiking as a hobby. He agreed. And so this week he’s going to research a 15 km hike we can do together on Saturday.

I could have waited for him to figure that out on his own. Or we could have had a good talk about it!

Besides, a lot of this advice is really manipulative. “Just pray about it and he’ll love you.” “Just love him and he’ll love you.” It’s telling us to do all of these things to get him to love us EXCEPT actually be vulnerable before him and let him know what we’re thinking. It doesn’t work!

5. Don’t take offense. If you’re upset about something, just let it go!

Certainly we aren’t to needlessly take offense at people.

But being aggravated about something isn’t a sin. Withholding love over it, yes–being aggravated, no.

Let’s say it really bugs you that your husband never puts the coffee mugs in the dishwasher. I have known women to be frustrated at this trait for years. They wrestle with it. They pray about it. They tell themselves, “I know I’m not supposed to be take offense, and I have to get over this. It’s just a stupid coffee mug.”

But it keeps happening, and they keep struggling.

What would happen if she just said to him,

“Honey, I’d appreciate it if you put your coffee mugs in the dishwasher after you use them. And if you’re never sure if the dishwasher is clean or dirty, I’ll get a little sticker that tells you so it’s obvious when it’s dirty and  you can load it. Can you do that? It would make me so happy!”

Thought #4 in 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage includes this little tidbit: Just ask for help. I asked on Facebook last year, when I was writing it, for stories about when women finally realized that if they asked their husbands specifically for help, their husbands actually came through. A bunch of those stories made it into the book. But the two most common reasons for not asking were, “I didn’t want to be rude”, and “he should just know!”

But he obviously doesn’t. Try asking! It’s better than letting something stew.

Pat Answer Christian Marriage Advice That Minimizes Real Problems

Now let’s turn to another category of “pat answers”–those pat answers that are given to women in really difficult situations that make the problem worse in a whole other way.

6. Pray that God will change your husband’s heart.

A variation of #2 above, to “pray about it”, but this time let’s assume that the “something” is a big sin. Maybe he’s gambling. He’s lazy and won’t get a job. He’s watching porn. He plays video games all day. Whatever it may be.

Here’s why this advice is wrong in this situation: God won’t “make” your husband stop using porn. He lets us have free will. He may bother your husband about it. He may put roadblocks up to the porn use. He may convict your husband. But ultimately it’s up to your husband what he does. God doesn’t force us to do the right thing.

What God does do is put consequences to our actions, so that we reap what we sow. And he gives clear instructions on what to do within the church if someone is sinning and is refusing to repent–and “just pray about it” is definitely not the only step.

I explained this in my post Are you a spouses or an enabler? That was a key post on this blog, and I’ve taken those thoughts and flushed them out through about three thoughts, and three chapters, in this new book. How to deal with sin in marriage is so misunderstood, and I hope that in this book I can point us to a much better way.

7. If you disagree, the head of the house should make the final decision.

And bonus addition: you’ll be blessed because of your submissive attitude!

There are several problems with this, and I’ll be making a video next week that explains them. First, if we think that submission is all about decision making, then we’re missing the heart of the word. And second, God’s will is that we be seeking after His direction. If we say, “husbands always make decisions”, it’s awfully easy to get away from relying on God to make those decisions. And that’s downright scary.

I explain more in this post on what submission means, but I dedicate Thought #5 to it! Many of you have been asking for me to flesh out my position on the submission, and I did it in great length in this book.

8. If you submit to your husband more, he’ll step up and be a leader.

Is your husband not acting in a godly way? The problem must be that you aren’t submitting!

Now, there are times when this definitely is true. That’s the thing about pat answers: they have a kernel of truth to them, and that’s why they’re so prevalent.

I know marriages where the wife just bulldozes over the husband so much that eventually he stops trying.

But too many Christians think that the answer to every marriage problem is “submit” when it isn’t. It’s as if instead of having a whole tool box to fix things we have only a hammer. If you only have a hammer, everything looks like a nail.

(Actually, I do believe that the answer to every marriage problem is to “submit”, but that’s because I think “submission” means something very different than what we normally think. When the word is normally used, we take it to mean that the wife doesn’t make decisions, doesn’t assert herself, doesn’t mention anything that’s bothering her, and lets her husband set the agenda.)

Let’s say he’s playing video games too much because he got addicted to them growing up. Submission (in the way it’s normally used) isn’t going to help that problem. Let’s say that he’s texting other women. Submission isn’t going to help that problem. Let’s instead look at the individual problem and figure out what steps will help us overcome it!

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9. If you have sex with him more, he’ll stop watching porn.

Again, a kernel of truth: men are often far more tempted by porn when they don’t have sex as often. I’ve written before about whether or not you can cause him to sin.

But that doesn’t mean that you’re to blame if he  uses porn. And it certainly doesn’t mean that having sex will make him stop!

The problem with porn isn’t just about sexual temptation. It’s about rewiring the brain so that what becomes arousing is an image, not a person. If he’s getting his sexual release through porn, he’s less likely to want to make love to you. The number of women on this blog whose husbands have zero sex drive for them but tons of sex drive for porn is astronomical. To tell these women “just have sex more” is to add insult to injury. They’d love to have sex more–but their husbands turn to porn instead!

You can’t cure porn by having sex with him. You need to deal with the root issue, and, if it’s a long-standing addiction, you have to go through healing to rewire his sex drive again. It’s not quick and painless, but it can happen. Don’t despair!

In Thought #8 I talk about how “just have sex” is exactly the wrong advice for all kinds of situations. If you’re struggling here, I hope some of this wisdom can help.

10. If your husband is doing something wrong, it’s not your job to be the Holy Spirit in his life. Win him without words!

Yes, if our husbands are not Christian, we are to win him to Christ without nagging him (1 Peter 3:1). But people take that verse which is written for a very specific situation and apply it to everything–to mean that we are never to bring up anything, and never to confront our husbands on anything.

On the contrary, when we see someone stumbling, we are to warn them. And if your husband has a major issue in his life, as his wife, that is what being his helpmate is all about! It’s to inspire him to grow closer to God by not letting him go further into sin without consequences.

What is more loving–to ignore a big sin and to cover it up, or to confront it in love and set limits so that the sin is more likely to stop?

Thoughts #6 & 7 are all about learning how to use our words to resolve these conflicts, even when big sin is involved. And I hope if more women understood God’s heart for marriage, then fewer women would watch their husbands go further into sin and think that they’re being godly by saying nothing.

So there you go–ten pat answers that we hear a lot in Christian circles that don’t actually help marriage, and can even make problems worse.

Quite simply, there’s a lot of sloppy thinking about marriage out there, and I hope that by looking at the whole of Scripture, and the heart of God to have His children choose rightly, that we’ll get a fuller picture of what the marriage relationship is supposed to be!

Ever feel like a lot of the stuff you heard in church about marriage is wrong? Then you’ll love 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage! And remember: If you buy it before it’s released you’ll get about 50% off in the United States and Canada (I’m sorry it’s not on sale in the U.K.!). It’ll be released August 18, and anyone who buys it on that day or pre-orders it will get a ton of downloadable freebies! Stay tuned for more info.

Now it’s  your turn! Have you heard any of those pat answers? Did any resonate with you? Or do you have different ones that bug you? Let me know in the comments!

The post Top 10 Christian Pat Answers About Marriage appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

Why Christian Pat Answers for Marriage Don’t Work

When my oldest daughter was married last month and we were planning the service, we had to choose Scripture readings.

And so we googled “Bible readings for weddings”. And all the typical ones showed up: 1 Corinthians 13:1-8; 1 John 4:16-19 (about how God is love, even though the passage has nothing to do with marriage); Ecclesiastes 4:12 (a cord of three strands is not easily broken).

It seems that only certain passages are deemed worthy of a wedding. But in reading many of them I didn’t even think they fit a wedding all that well. So we chose different ones instead:

Romans 15:5-6

May the God who gives endurance and encouragement give you the same attitude of mind toward each other that Christ Jesus had, 6 so that with one mind and one voice you may glorify the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ.

and:

Colossians 3:12-14

Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. 13 Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. 14 And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.

We thought those were beautiful for a wedding–and for a marriage! In fact, I’ve been praying that passage from Romans over my own marriage ever since, because I think it’s so wonderful.

But it occurs to me that we do something similar when it comes to marriage advice.

If a marriage problem pops up, we immediately pull out “the marriage passages” of Scripture, and often leave it at that.

Ephesians 5:22-33: wives submit to  your husbands and respect them; husbands love your wives.

Proverbs 31: Be a virtuous woman!

1 Corinthians 7: Don’t divorce and be generous sexually with your spouse.

1 Peter 3:1-7: Wives, obey your husbands and “win them without words”.

And maybe we’ll throw in 1 Corinthians 13 (about what love is) or Genesis 2 and 3 (about the creation story and the fall, too).

It’s as if God wrote this massive book sharing His heart with His people, and yet we’re only supposed to search out those few verses when it comes to marriage.

Don’t get me wrong–these passages are wonderful and give lots of wisdom and direction for our relationships. Bu they are not the WHOLE picture. When we look at those passages in isolation, we often distort them and, I believe, interpret them wrong. Context matters, and you can only interpret Scripture by looking at the rest of Scripture.

God created marriage as the perfect analogy of how He feels about His people. It’s the most important human relationship. And so don’t we think that the REST of the Bible may also have important things to say about marriage–important things about this very messy relationship which can’t always be summarized in pithy sayings or stitched on a pillow?

My new book 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage launches August 18, and I’m so excited to take the next two weeks leading up to that launch to talk about this concept of Christian “pat answers”–advice that we give that often doesn’t satisfy because it misses the bigger picture.

Pat answers make two kinds of errors:

Either they make a big problem seem small (by minimizing the severity of the problem and suggesting a solution that won’t solve it at all), or they make a small problem much bigger by giving advice that sends a woman in a completely wrong direction.

An example of the making a big problem small: “just have sex more and then he won’t watch porn!”

An example of making a small problem big: “God is close to the broken-hearted, so if you’re sad, just pray more!”

The first won’t work because it misunderstands the problem.
The second won’t work because it misunderstands God and what God wants from us.

And we aren’t going to grow in our marriages until we start thinking differently–getting rid of these pat answers, many of which we’ve heard our whole lives in church and in Christian culture–and getting back to what God wants for us.

And that’s quite simple: He wants us all chasing after Jesus and looking more like Him everyday.

Jesus didn’t live by simple formula. He lived His life always seeking out to do God’s will, and as He did that, He found great joy and brought joy to those around Him. His aim was always the same–to bring people closer to God–but His actions varied with circumstances. And that’s how we should live, too.

I wrote an example of how Jesus varied His actions while keeping His aim in this post on how Submission Doesn’t Mean Putting Up with Abuse.

Some of you are walking through difficult marriages, and I’m so excited to be able to share with you how thinking about those problems differently and thinking about what God wants from you can change the whole dynamic of your relationship.

Some of you are walking through great marriages, but you still find yourself dissatisfied at times, and wondering why your husband doesn’t “get you” all the time. I’m excited to show you how sometimes the way that we think about marriage actually jeopardizes our happiness. And I’m excited to show you how some simple, practical things can turn the whole thing around!

Quite simply, our modern Christian culture has some awfully sloppy thinking.

And that sloppy thinking is impacting our ability to have great marriages. So it’s time to stop listening to pat answers and start listening to the WHOLE of God’s word.

In the next two weeks leading up the launch, I’m going to share with you my big picture for the book, and then look at 9 pat answers that can derail our thinking about marriage, and 9 thoughts that can send us in a better direction.

I’ll do that with some video–I’m getting Katie to help me make some videos the way that she does!

I’ll do it with a few contests and a few personal stories.

And it’s all going to culminate with the big launch on August 18 when you can win some prizes, and get lots of freebies if you’ve ordered the book early (or on that day!).

This book grew out of a viral blog post I wrote a few  years back–7 Thoughts That Will Change Your Marriage. But it also has grown out of my thinking about marriage that I’ve wrestled with on this blog for the last few years. Many of you, my faithful readers, have had front row seats to some of the debates here, and if you’ve enjoyed the posts, I know that you’ll enjoy the book!

If you order it now, it will be shipped on August 18. And if you order for your Kindle or other device, it will download as soon as it’s available.

And if you order now, it’s 51% off! Only $7.42 for the paperback on Amazon, while it’s $14.99 regularly. So lock in your pre-order price now!

And don’t miss any of the posts leading up to the launch–or your chance to win! Sign up to get my blog by email, or to get a weekly round-up of all the posts!

Now it’s your turn: What are some “pat answers” you’ve heard about marriage that can make a problem worse? Let me know in the comments–and I may use your answer for tomorrow’s Top 10 post!

 

The post Why Christian Pat Answers for Marriage Don’t Work appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

Book Giveaways Galore!

Are you ready to win some books?

I’ve got a bunch of giveaways going on right now, so scroll down to enter the Rafflecopter!

Today’s Friday, so it’s time for my weekly round-up, when I let you know what was most popular at the blog (and on social media) this week, so that you can be sure not to miss any posts (often the popular ones are older ones you may not have seen that found new life this week). And then I let you in on a few things that are going on in my life, too!

What’s #1 This Week?

#1 on the Blog: Top 10 Tips for Initiating Sex with Your Husband

#1 on Twitter: 7 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage

#1 on Pinterest: Levels of Communication in Marriage: Getting Deeper

#1 on Facebook: 10 Ways to Initiate Prayer with Your Spouse

 

It’s Coming…

I’m so excited that starting next week I’m going to start letting you see bits of my new book, 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage!

One of the themes of that book is that so often Christian marriage advice revolves around 4 or 5 Bible passages–Ephesians 5, 1 Peter 3, 1 Corinthians 7, 1 Corinthians 13, Proverbs 31. It’s as if when we talk about issues we have a myriad of places to look in the Bible. But when we talk about marriage, all of the rest of the Bible seems to go out the window and we look only at those five. And I find that problematic, because it leads to a lot of “pat answers” that aren’t always helpful in real life situations.

The Bible needs to be looked at in its entirety, and marriage doesn’t have one-size fits-all advice. So let’s get real and talk about how God really wants us to change our marriage, down in the nitty gritty!

9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage releases August 18, and all of this starts Monday!

Are You in Ohio, Indiana, South Carolina, or Georgia?

If so, I want to come and give my Girl Talk to you!

I’ve got plans to be in those states in September and October, and I need to fill up my schedule a little more. So here’s your chance for your church to host me and get a reduced rate! Seriously, it’s a wonderful evening and it works GREAT as an outreach–because everyone loves talking and hearing about sex.

It’s a fun evening, it’s been getting rave reviews, and it’s totally worth it.

Email my assistant Tammy to see how you can get in on the tour.

The Birthday Is Over…

All year I’ve been leading up to three things: Katie’s internationals Bible quizzing tournament in Minneapolis; then Rebecca’s wedding; then Katie’s trip to New York for her 18th birthday.

And now the three things are over. I feel like my summer is also over somehow. And so now we’re focused on becoming empty nesters.

Here in Ontario we have a three-tiered driver’s license program: you get your learner’s permit; then you get your general license; then within five years (but after at least one year) you have to retake  your road test to get your permanent license.

So Rebecca took hers yesterday, and Katie’s scheduled for later in August. And both girls are getting their wisdom teeth removed in August, too. It’s like all of the fun stuff is over, so now we have to take care of all this big to-do stuff. Ah, life as we know it.

Katie and I did have a great time in New York, though. And Rebecca came home for a day to take her driver’s test, and it was fun to see her and catch up since the wedding.

Thanks for making my 18th birthday such a memorable one, Mom! I had the best day with you! ☺️

Dads Roll Differently (And That’s Okay)

I am so happy to share these great words of parenting wisdom from Arlene Pellicane about how dads parent differently than we do–and that is okay! This is taken from Arlene’s newest book, 31 Days to Becoming a Happy Mom.

My oldest child Ethan is in 6th grade this year.  I remember when he was just a baby and I had my first mom’s night out.  I pulled into my driveway at 10 pm, certain my little bundle would be fast asleep in his cozy crib.  Imagine my surprise when I opened the garage door to find my husband James’ car missing!

A few minutes later, James came strolling in with baby Ethan who needed to be fed because he was hungry.  AT TEN O-CLOCK AT NIGHT!  I was ticked.  James had taken Ethan to the mall, with no regards to Ethan’s normal bedtime.

My mind whirled and my face grew hot.  I was mad.  The dishes were piled high in the sink; Ethan was in his high chair eating baby oatmeal.

Can’t you just get him to bed at a decent hour and do the dishes? I thought as I glared at the supposedly responsible party.

James was calm as a cucumber.  He said, “Lighten up.  One night won’t kill him.”

Well, I guess James was right because Ethan’s still around.  It took me a few years to realize that instead of being indignant about the way James’ chose to parent that night, I could have been grateful.  I could have chosen to say, “Thank you for watching Ethan for the last 5 hours so I could go to a women’s event and get re-charged.”

I could have said, “Not many men would gladly watch their one-year-old and even dare to take them to the mall, but I guess you guys had a great time!”

Our husbands may not enforce curfew and rules like we do, but our children are still living and breathing aren’t they?

Perhaps we would be happier moms if we stopped putting the emphasis on being right all the time – on being the “superior know-it-all parent.”

We can make our husbands feel incompetent as dads with our cutting remarks.  We may have expectations that they must parent exactly how we parent.  But if you can embrace the differences (two heads are better than one), and stop expecting perfection from your spouse, you will be a much happier mom.  Give your husband the same grace you’d like for yourself.

Just because he does things differently, doesn’t mean he does it wrong.

Just this weekend, I was out of town at a speaking engagement.  On Friday night, James took our three kids (ages 5, 8 and 10) to the park at 8:30 pm to play laser tag with their new toy guns.  They were out until 10:00 pm!  A five-year-old!

Now, that’s not a schedule I’d ever sanction as a mom, but you know what?  It’s a good thing I wasn’t home because they had a blast.  Moms and dads roll differently, and I’m so grateful for that.

When your husband parents differently than you, how do you respond?  Is there a way you could improve that response?

We are giving away a copy of Arlene’s new book, 31 Days to Becoming a Happy Mom. Watch the trailer below and share in the comments your parenting stories to enter and win!

Arlene Pellicane is a speaker and author of 31 Days to Becoming a Happy Mom and 31 Days to a Happy Husband.  She is also the co-author of Growing Up Social: Raising Relational Kids in a Screen-Driven World (with Gary Chapman).  She has been a featured guest on the Today Show, Fox & Friends, Focus on the Family, FamilyLife Today, The 700 Club, and Turning Point with Dr. David Jeremiah. 

Arlene lives in the San Diego area with her husband James and their three children.

To learn more and for free family resources such as a monthly Happy Home podcast, visit www.ArlenePellicane.com

The post Dads Roll Differently (And That’s Okay) appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.