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Reader Question: What if My Marriage Was a Mistake?

What if my marriage was a mistake?

On Mondays I like to post a reader question and take a stab at answering it, and today’s is rather sad. A woman writes:

Can you offer resources toward unequally yoked marriages? Also info on how to deal with a severely emotionally disturbed spouse? I slept with my best friend ( but we were also in love), got pregnant, and got married. My husband isn’t against my faith, he accepts it and promotes it to the kids, but he doesn’t have it and won’t consider going to church, etc. He has some different morals, values, etc. also, it turns out he has major issues. Several people in his immediate family committed suicide and he’s dealing with depression, etc. I know that God can redeem this, but how do I know if our marriage was just a result of my mistakes or if it is something that God will use for good. I don’t want to be a martyr in my own life, but I do want to do what God wants.

I can feel her pain and her dilemma. She got married because she thought it was the right thing to do in the circumstances–but she’s not happy now and she’s wondering if her marriage was a mistake. She’s wondering if she’ll ever feel the loved she’s dreamed of, or if she’s just stuck in this relationship.

I know many other women asking themselves that question, especially if the marriage wasn’t originally planned. They got pregnant. They wanted to escape their home life. They were single moms and just wanted a roof over their heads. And now they wonder if they chose wrong, and if they missed out on what God really wanted for their lives.

So let’s try to tackle this one today: what do you do if you feel like your marriage was a mistake?

Let’s Stop Thinking About “The One”

Part of the reason that we feel like we made a mistake is that we think God had a Plan A for us, and we chose Plan B. If we hadn’t have married this person, then we would have found the one that God really wanted us to marry–our perfect soulmate, so to speak–and we would be far happier. Instead, we messed up. We didn’t follow God’s plan for our lives. And so doesn’t it follow that if we’re going to get back on track for Plan A, we’re going to have to ditch this Plan B? If we married the wrong person, then we can never really be on track with God in this life.

I understand that thinking. But I also think it’s totally off base. Here’s why:

God doesn’t have just one person for you to marry. God lets you choose.

This idea that there is a perfect soul mate for us out there to complete us is actually not biblical. Gary Thomas did a great job explaining this in a recent blog post, “Why God Didn’t (and Won’t) Tell You To Marry Your Spouse.”

Gary writes,

There is, quite frankly, nothing in Scripture that ever tells us it is our sworn duty to marry one particular person. Whether we marry, and who we marry, are spoken of in Scripture as part of God’s “permissive will,” something He allows us to choose.

Gary goes on to show that Scripture gives several reasons for marrying and help on choosing someone of the right character, but it doesn’t say that there is only one person for each of us. We’re given the chance to choose for ourselves.

Let’s Own our Choices

Why does this matter? Because if you realize that there wasn’t a specific Plan A, then it’s not about getting back in line with what God wants for you. It’s more about realizing that God lets us choose, and now it’s time to figure out how to glorify God in the midst of those choices.

Gary writes,

Far healthier, spiritually, than to sit in resentment against God, is to say to yourself, “I chose this man/woman. It might or might not help to explore why. But since I made the choice of my own free will, I bear certain responsibilities for the commitment I have made.” Then God becomes your ally, not your enemy, in helping you face the future. Instead of, “God, why did you lead me into this mess,” you’ll pray, “God, help lead me out of the mess I’ve made.”

So many of us believe that God led us to our spouse, and then when that spouse becomes abusive or becomes mean or has an affair we blame God. “But you told me to marry him!” Or else we think, like this letter writer, that we missed the boat and so we have to jump off the one we’re on and row really hard to get back to where God wants us to be.

But what God wants is to have us submit to Him where we are right now. That’s God’s will for us–to serve Him in the everyday, even if our everyday has taken some bad turns. It’s not to get back to a perfect life He had planned for us. It’s to let Jesus shine through where we are.

It’s Freeing to Realize “I Chose Him”

When you realize that you yourself made the choice to marry him–God didn’t make you, your parents didn’t make you, your husband didn’t make you–you made that choice, then you can also see how you have a responsibility to make that marriage the best it can be. If you feel that somehow you were coerced into marriage than you can never really throw your all into it. But if you realize, “I made those vows myself”, then you can see that you have a responsibility to them.

Where Do You Go From Here?
What does God want you to do in a difficult marriage? What is the best way to serve God right now?

I’ve written a lot on this topic, and so I’m going to link to different posts that can give you some practical ideas about what to do now. But the main thing I wanted to leave you with today is that it’s not about finding that Plan A. It’s about recognizing those choices you freely made, and then figuring out, “how do I serve God today, right where I am?”

Could you have made different choices? Of course. But you didn’t. And you don’t know how those choices would have turned out anyway. But you did choose this, so let’s work with it and see how we can find contentment and peace right now.

When You’re in a Loveless Marriage

Living in a Loveless Marriage

When You’ve Checked Out of Your Marriage

Why the Vow Matters

When is it Okay to Give Up on My Marriage?

Encouragement for Those in Really Tough Marriages

10 Truths About Emotionally Destructive Marriages

How to Get Back on Track in Your Marriage

Changing the Dynamic in my Marriage

The Two Ingredients of All Successful Marriages

Be a Spouse, Not an Enabler

Tackling Huge Marriage Problems

I’ve also got a ton of posts on how to spend time together more, how to ask for help, and so much more. You can find those on my Marriage FAQ page.

I hope some of those are helpful.

But for today, I just wanted to dispel this idea that we may have married the wrong person, missed out on God’s specific, perfect will, and now we need to get back to it.

God’s will is for you to glorify Him today, where you are. It’s for you to love in a healthy way that points people to Jesus (it’s not for you to enable sin, though!).

So now let me know: what do you think of this idea that there is one perfect person for us to marry? Let’s talk in the comments!

Marriage isn't supposed to be blah!


Sex is supposed to be stupendous--physically, emotionally, AND spiritually.

If it's not, get The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex--and find out what you've been missing.

 

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How My Views on Courtship and Dating Changed

It’s time for my Friday Round-Up, where I post what’s been big on the blog and in social media this week, and also provide a bit of a sneak peek into my life and some of the things that I’ve been thinking about recently.

And today I want to talk about how my views on courtship and dating have changed a bit over the years as my girls have grown.

But first…

What’s #1 at To Love, Honor and Vacuum

#1 on the Blog: When Texting/Facebook Cross the Line

#1 on Facebook: Praying As a Couple Naturally

#1 on Pinterest: How Sex is Also a Spiritual Experience

#1 on Twitter: 9 FUN tips to make SEX great for you, too!

 

 

How My Views on Dating and Courtship Have Changed

I haven’t written about teens dating in a while, but my daughter recently posted a funny video on dating vs. courtship, because we’ve been talking about it a lot at home.

When Rebecca, my oldest, was 13, I had her read Josh Harris’ book I Kissed Dating Goodbye. I read it around that time and I really believed it. I saw how dating in high school really didn’t accomplish anything, and how it could easily get you involved physically too easily. And how your heart could really get messed up.

A few years after that I wrote a post called 7 Ways to Raise a Teen Who Won’t Date Too Young, which was actually the #1 post here at the blog for about 2 years. I didn’t want my kids to date in high school, and my kids largely agreed.

In fact, here’s Katie talking about why dating in high school is a bad idea:

But while I still think dating when you’re 14 isn’t wise, I don’t share the same pro-courtship views I did when my kids were 14. I explained a bit in this post  why I think it’s important to encourage young people to go out for coffee with friends and to get to know as many people as possible. The courtship movement can create social recluses a little bit too much, and can put so much pressure on a relationship to be serious before the two people even get to know each other.

I don’t want my girls to be in a ton of different serious relationships–I do think that this does lead to a lot of temptation and a lot of heartache. But at the same time, I do want my kids to get to know a lot of people, and to have fun, and to figure out who they work with.

And I also know that many of us don’t have “that feeling” the first time that we meet someone. Sometimes it’s only after being friends and spending a ton of time together that romantic feelings grow. That’s what it was like for me and my husband, and that’s what it was like for Rebecca and her fiance. If we had waited to “court”, we likely wouldn’t have spent that time together, and then those feelings wouldn’t have grown.

To be clear, too, we were only spending time together as friends. But courtship discourages one on one time between people of the opposite sex, even if they’re just friends. And that just puts so many barriers up to normal,  healthy relationship.

So I still believe that most dating in high school is silly and unnecessary. But once you’re 18? Or even 17 if you’re mature? Then start getting to know a lot of people. It’s likely healthier.

Here’s Katie’s newest video about it. If you agree, I know she’d appreciate it if you shared it! Just go to the YouTube page and you can share it on Facebook or wherever you’d like!

Wedding Stuff is Overwhelming…

I am so NOT a detail person. And so when I have a HUGE event in my future (my daughter’s wedding next month) that I have to juggle everything for, I wake up every morning thinking, “what have I forgotten to do already today?” I am so looking forward to the actual day when there’s nothing else I could do, even if I wanted to.

If anyone has any pointers on getting organized for a wedding, I’d love to know it!

Some Giveaways Are Coming…

On Facebook soon, so be sure to like the page and keep checking! I’ll be running some this weekend.

And have a wonderful weekend, everyone!

The post How My Views on Courtship and Dating Changed appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

Be Broken Together

How do couples recover from deep wounds?

I recently received this heartbreaking letter:

My husband and I have been married for 4 years. He brought me to God shortly after we started dating and have done everything we can to have a God based marriage. I thought that we could overcome anything. We have gone through being homeless, moving 7 times, job loss, family deaths,marriage classes to make sure we have the tools to overcome obstacles and are currently seeing a counselor to work on our childhood demons together. We are constantly working on improving our marriage in almost everyway. Except for in the bedroom.

I struggle with past sexual abuse. I also grew up in a home where I learned to never love myself and my self worth…well there was none. I thought that my husband understood and was willing to work though it with me. But I have never been able to communicate why because I never fully understood why sex was so hard for me.

The longest we have gone was a month. As of right now it has been over 3 weeks. I have never been able to tell him why. It’s mostly because I never realized that I can’t have sex because I can’t seem to put emotion into it because I’ve put walls up.

I woke up last night to him trying to get me in the mood which sparked a fight at 1am. After sitting quietly and listening to his side about how hard it is for him, I finally felt like I could explain my side (what I had discovered last week).

Before I could tell him; he decided that moment was the time to tell me he had been unfaithful. He had taken 2 separate trips out of town with a friend and had gone by himself to a strip club where he received a lap dance. He explained that he was afraid to tell me and that he was looking for emotion and that he knew that wasn’t the place to find it but did it anyway. He was grasping for the affection and attention that he wasn’t getting from me.

I told him that I had forgiven him but this will be the hardest thing we have to go through. I then expressed how pissed I was.

I love my husband. I love my family. I want us to work. I want to overcome this. But how do you get over something like this? I feel like I contributed to this. Like its somehow my fault. That if I would have been able to get over my own demons that he never would have done this.

We are both seeing the same counselor right now and have been for a few months to try to work through our individual pasts but to do it together. I want to continue seeing him and have him help us through this but does that make me weak for staying?

What a sad story. I’ve written before on how to tackle huge problems in your marriage, and I think that post will help.

But today instead I want to share a story and a song.

A couple that I know has a similar story: she had abuse in her background; he had porn in his. She would withhold sex and affection because she needed to feel in control of everything; he responded by withdrawing, working harder, and, at times, viewing porn.

Over the course of a decade they grew further and further apart. She was sure all the problems were his: he was a gross male with a porn problem. He was sure the problem was hers: she was uptight and walled off and wouldn’t admit it. But they loved their kids. And so they stayed.

And then one day God really got a hold of him. He started to grow spiritually. The porn issue went away. But he realized he couldn’t stay in this marriage unless she got help. He didn’t want a divorce; he wanted them to go to counselling. But she wouldn’t because she was sure there was nothing wrong.

He moved out for a while, and a few months later she started counseling. And when she did, he did, too. And an amazing thing happened.

They both found a huge dose of humility.

They both started owning their problems instead of pointing to other people. They both started in recovery groups. And now he’s moved back in, they’re praying together for the first time in their whole marriage, and they’re serving together in church.

But they’re still in recovery. And that’s okay. They’ve realized they both have childhood issues. They’ve realized they both have addiction tendencies. And they’ve realized it’s better to work on these things together, in honesty.

Because one of the most beautiful things that God does is He helps rebuild broken people. And we are all broken. All of us.

I heard this song, Broken Together, by Casting Crowns a few months ago and I thought it summed up marriage and what God wants to do so beautifully. We have these dreams when we’re children of a knight in shining armour–but it doesn’t always work that way. Life isn’t perfect. But that’s okay. God’s most beautiful work is when things are broken. Broken doesn’t mean a relationship is over; broken means that if you’re both willing to humble yourselves, God can work.

If you’re both broken, remember: It’s okay to be broken together.

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Wifey Wednesday: Are You Disrespecting Your Husband Without Realizing It?

You may want to give your husband respect, but how often do we disrespect him–without realizing it?

It’s Wednesday, the day when we always talk marriage! And today Brittany from Equipping Godly Women joins us to talk about how to make sure we’re NOT inadvertently disrespecting our husbands.

Have you ever noticed how the media loves to portray men, and dads in particular, as bumbling, incompetent idiots? From television shows like The Simpsons, Everybody Loves Raymond and Married with Children to even your average cleaning commercial where the dad buys the wrong product or makes a huge mess because he simply can’t be trusted to handle simple household tasks, this stereotype is practically everywhere you look.

Whether you find these characters laughable and lovable or obnoxious and crude, the truth is that the idea of the incompetent dad has permeated our culture–probably more than we realize. How many of us women treat our husbands as incompetent or incapable without even realizing it, simply because the idea is so common, it’s rarely questioned?

Growing up, I never really learned what respect was, why men needed it, or how I was supposed to provide it.

I am extremely blessed to have two very Godly and wonderful parents, but my mother also happens to be a peacemaker. She has the gentle and loving spirit thing down pat. I… do not. And I had no intentions of going into marriage always being sweet and kind and polite and always letting my husband have his own way. I don’t care that I’m the woman–my opinion matters too!

You can just imagine how well that went over. Let’s just say–I’ve learned a lot of lessons the hard way. And the more lessons I learn, the more grateful I am for my amazing husband who has stuck by me every step of the way, even when I’m sure it hasn’t been easy.

Respect doesn’t come easy to me.

Not because I don’t love my husband or think highly of him… but because I’m opinionated and I honestly don’t realize when things that wouldn’t offend me in the slightest are deeply offensive to him. But I’m working on it. For now, I imagine, that’s the best I can do.

Perhaps you’re like me–you want to respect your husband, but you don’t know how or you’re worried about becoming a doormat. Let me reassure you, respecting your husband does NOT make you a doormat. It makes you an awesome wife who treats her husband incredibly well. And chances are, if you’re husband is a pretty good guy, it won’t be long until he’s showering the love and affection right back on you! Sometimes, you just have to go first–even if you don’t feel like it. Here’s how.

1. Find Ways to Talk Him Up–Not Tear Him Down

How often do you make jokes at your husband’s expense (even if you are “joking”), point out areas for improvement or bring up past mistakes your husband has made? No one likes to be reminded of their shortcomings, even though we all have them. Even the little comments you see as harmless can be really hurtful to your husband–whether he shows it or not.

I don’t care who your husband is, you can find something nice to say about him–probably lots of things!–even if you have to be creative. Don’t stick to just the big things either. Tell him how proud you are of him, how lucky you are to be his wife, how much you love certain things about him–be his biggest fan!

2. Let Him Do Things His Own Way

When you’re the one who does the majority of the housework and child rearing, it is very easy to fall into certain routines and ways of doing things. Just because your way is the best way for you, however, doesn’t mean it’s the only way. And insisting that things be done your way essentially says that your husband isn’t capable of handling the task. How emasculating!

The next time your husband loads the dishwasher, feeds the kids dinner, changes the baby’s diaper or puts the laundry away, don’t pester him to make sure he does it your way and don’t go through afterwards to “fix” whatever he’s done. Thank him sincerely for his help. You never know; you just might learn a new trick or two yourself.

3. Don’t Mother Him

As loving and attentive mothers, it can often be very difficult to turn off “mom mode” and switch to “wife mode” instead. Do you find yourself constantly reminding your husband to do things he should be capable of doing on his own, offering him “helpful” suggestions for ways he can improve his life, or expecting him to get your approval before he takes action? If so, you’re likely acting more like his mom than his wife. Not only is this terribly unsexy, but it also sends the message that he isn’t capable, you can’t trust his judgement or that you don’t think he’s good enough.

4. Watch Your Body Language

Do you ever roll your eyes, sigh loudly or even walk out of the room while your husband is talking? Do you look at him like he’s an idiot, or neglect to look at him at all? Whether you realize it or not, all of these subtle (and not so subtle!) physical cues convey the message that what he has to say isn’t important or that you’re better than him.

Think back to the time before you were married. What was your body language like then? Chances are you hung on his every word, made googly eyes at him and touched him every chance you got. Find a way to recapture that again.

5. Be a Willing and Enthusiastic Sexual Partner (to the degree that you are able)

For many men, when you reject sex, it feels like you are rejecting THEM. Of course most men will understand if you’ve had a horrible day, you’re in pain or if you’re still working through past sexual hurts, but if you frequently find yourself saying no, making excuses, not making sex a priority, or always doing the bare minimum, can you blame them for taking it personally?

If you can have great sex with your husband, do it and be enthusiastic about it! If sex is very difficult for you, keep the lines of communication open and do the best you can. It’s not the amount that matters as much as the willing, eager and excited attitude you have at the idea of being one with each other.

Learning how to respect your husband can definitely be a complicated and difficult task, but the truth is, as a Christian wife, it’s your responsibility and your privilege. Talk to your husband to find out how you’re doing as a wife, and be humble and willing to receive any suggestions he may offer. You may be surprised at how much your marriage will improve as a result!

A devoted Christian, wife and mother, Brittany loves helping other women grow in these roles as well. When she isn’t busy taking care of her growing family, you can find her at Equipping Godly Women, where she regularly shares tips, tricks and encouragement to help you be the amazing woman God created you to be. Brittany also has a thriving online community on Facebook as well.

Now it’s your turn! Do you have any marriage thoughts for us today? Link up the URL of your own marriage post in the linky below. And be sure to link back here so others can read all these great marriage posts!

Marriage isn't supposed to be blah!


Sex is supposed to be stupendous--physically, emotionally, AND spiritually.

If it's not, get The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex--and find out what you've been missing.

The post Wifey Wednesday: Are You Disrespecting Your Husband Without Realizing It? appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

Top 10 Things Great Parents Do

Most moms are consumed with the question, “Am I a good enough parent?”
Today, for Top 10 Tuesday, Lindsey Bell joins us to talk about how to be a great parent–and how great parents aren’t perfect parents!

Ever felt like a terrible parent?

Yeah, me too.

Earlier this week, it wasn’t even 10 AM and I had already lost my temper with my son over something that—in the grand scheme of things—really didn’t matter.

As I sat in my bedroom and beat myself up over my mistakes, the Lord gently reminded me that great parents aren’t those who never make mistakes.

A bad day doesn’t make us a bad parent.

That afternoon, while my sweet son took his nap, I started thinking about what does make a great parent.

Here are 10 things great parents have in common.

1. Great parents grant forgiveness easily and ask for forgiveness often.

As much as we’d like to believe we’re not going to mess up and yell at our kids or make any mistakes as parents, we all know that’s not reality.

We are human, so we’re going to mess up. Our kids are human too, so they’re going to make mistakes.

Great parents build homes where forgiveness is asked for and given often.

2. Great parents let their kids make mistakes.

Instead of rushing in to make sure their children never fail, great parents allow their kids to make mistakes while they’re in the safety of home.

It’s much better to make little mistakes now (when a loving parent will be there to help them pick up the pieces and work through the disappointment) than to make big mistakes later on.

So the question is, is it safe to make a mistake in your home?

3. Great parents give their kids things money can’t buy.

We all know money doesn’t buy happiness, and yet we often live like it does.

Instead of giving your child “things,” give him something money can’t buy. Give him your time. Give him unconditional love. Help him fall in love with a Savior.

There’s nothing wrong with providing your child with physical blessings, but there are some things money can’t buy. Great parents focus on these types of things!

4. Great parents practice what they preach.

Kids will do what you DO, not what you SAY you do. Great parents model the behavior they want to see in their children. They live with integrity.

5. Great parents teach their children about money.

Many teenagers don’t know how to write a check or balance a checkbook. They don’t know how to live on a budget. They can use a credit card without any problem, but don’t yet realize how debt could affect their future.

Great parents teach their children how to save, how to give, and how to spend wisely within their means.

6. Great parents discipline in love.

They recognize their role in their child’s life. It’s not to be a best friend or to be a drill sergeant. A parent’s role is to guide his or her children and train them toward maturity. This can only happen with loving discipline.

7. Great parents tell their kids they love them, no matter what.

Our kids won’t always behave in a way that makes us happy, but they should always know they are loved. Great parents make sure their kids know they are loved even when their behavior is poor.

8. Great parents love their child’s father/mother.

One of the greatest things you can do for your child is to love that child’s father or mother.

It’s so easy after we have kids to stop investing in our marriages. We’re exhausted. At the end of a long day at work or at home, we’re spent and don’t want to have another person to care for.

The investment is worth it, though, both for your sake and for your child’s sake.

*In some instances, as Sheila has written about in the past, like when abuse is present, loving that person doesn’t mean you stay with them. If this is your situation, you need to know that loving that person doesn’t mean you allow him to abuse you. Sometimes, the most loving thing you can do is create some boundaries to keep yourself and your family safe.

9. Great parents teach their children about loving service.

The happiest people are not those who have it all, but those who have learned to invest in others.

Great parents teach their children the value of serving others. They teach them that true happiness isn’t found in things but in living with purpose.

10. Great parents are fully present.

They don’t allow their work, their hobbies, their phones, their computers or their televisions to become more important to them than their child. There’s a time for these things, but there’s also a time to put them away.

Great parents work hard to find that balance.

I’d love to hear from you. What other tips would you add to this list?

Lindsey Bell is the author of Searching for Sanity: 52 Insights from the Parents of the Bible. She’s also a stay-at-home mother of two, minister’s wife, avid reader, and chocolate lover. You can find Lindsey online at her blog, twitter, Facebook, or Pinterest.

Have you ever looked at your beloved children and wondered, what in the world am I doing? Why did God trust me—of all people—to raise them?

Motherhood is the most difficult job many of us will ever take. Searching for Sanity offers moms an opportunity to take a breath, dig into the Word, and learn from parents of the past. In short devotions designed for busy moms, this book uses the parents of the Bible—both the good and the bad—to inspire today’s mothers.

 

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How God Used Marriage to Heal Me

The older I get the more I realize how God uses a good marriage as a healing salve on so many of our old hurts.

My husband and I will be empty nesters in the fall, and we’re planning on doing some major changes to our house–rooms used for different things, different people staying with us for a time, and much more. And so I’ve decided it’s time to purge. Because there is just So Much Crap in my house. Sorry for the language, but that’s what I think when I look in all the closets. It’s overwhelming. So. Much. Crap.

My husband was on call at the hospital in another city all weekend, so I took the time to myself to weed through a ton of stuff. And it was very therapeutic and productive! But in the process of all this weeding I came across several old photo albums of my grandfather from after he died. The album contained photos of me from my birth to age 10. And as I looked through them I realized something: very one of them made me feel sad.

I was such a lonely child.

And such a sad child. You can’t always see it in the pictures, but as I look through I remember. I remember what I felt.

I was sad because it was just my mom and me, and she was sad. She was an amazing mother who loved me and who never wanted things to turn out as they did. But she had very little say in it. She had always wanted a big family, and to be a stay at home mom, but instead she just had me, and she had to go out and support us, leaving me in day care, when I was just a little over 2.

And I always felt like there was something missing. It was hard being an only child. It was hard with my mom sad. It was hard having to go to baby-sitter’s and camp and relatives’ homes in the summer because my mom had to work and she didn’t have a choice. It was just hard.

Here we were right after the CN Tower was built in Toronto–my mom and my grandfather and me.

And here I am at Christmas, decorating the tree–just with my mom taking the picture.

And because of that sadness and loneliness I leaned too hard on friends in high school. Every minor rejection was blown out of proportion. Heartaches never seemed to go away.

And when I met the man who would share my life, I was so intense I scared him off for a time. And his rejection–even though he changed his mind and came back–still hurt me horribly.

What struck me the most, though, as I looked through those pictures is that my story today is different.

If I look back on photo albums now, it’s not loneliness I see.

It’s two little girls who love each other and who played and who had laughed.

And who have grown into beautiful young women.

When I think of childhood now, I don’t think of loneliness. I think of ballet tutus and cousins and parties and laughter.

Being a mother has been a healing thing for me, because I see how childhood was supposed to be. I see how confident little girls should be when they’re in a safe place. And I see my girls go through heartaches and disappointments and confrontations and handle them so much better than I did, because they have a greater sense of who they are and of who God is in their lives.

And yet it is not motherhood that has healed me.

It is, instead, their father.

God did most of the healing in my life before I was married. He taught me to see that I am of infinite worth; He taught me that only He can love me perfectly. He wrapped His arms around me when I was 19 and 20 and 21 and helped me overcome so much. When I truly encountered Jesus and understood the way Jesus hurt when I was hurt, a part of me began to heal. I saw Jesus as a wounded warrior–someone who would go to battle for me. But in the meantime my hurts were also His hurts. I was not alone.

But God didn’t stop it there. He sent me a man who has always epitomized safety to me. I am completely safe in his arms.

I know that we are to find our total worth in God, and that only He can complete us. I absolutely know that. But I also firmly believe that God uses the relationships in our lives as healing balms to soothe some of the hurts and the rough edges and the scars of our past. That is what God has done with my marriage.

I feel safe.

And I know that even if I were to lose Keith, I would never really feel alone again, because I know what it is to be truly loved.

That’s a beautiful gift of marriage.

We’ve been talking a lot on this blog lately about past hurts and abuse and healing from that, and I think that one of the ways that God sends healing to us is to send us a really good man. If a man has hurt you in the past, then being with a man who cherishes you can soothe so much of that. I’m not saying that we don’t need God, or that it’s not God who heals; I’m just saying that I think marriage is one of His tools. And it’s really lovely.

Yet the story doesn’t end there.

I was speaking to my mother before church yesterday morning and telling her about my grandfather’s photo album. We started reminiscing and got a little nostalgic, and she told me that she really is healed too–even though she never married.

After church yesterday she was driving two hours to a missions team meeting for a trip she’s going on in August–her eighth one to the Mulli Children’s Family in Kenya (we’ve been with  her three of those times). And she’s taking her 15-year-old adopted granddaughter with her. My mother’s life is just so big. God has brought so many opportunities into her life to love others and to share and to serve and she has taken them. And she is so busy, and so happy, and so full of life.

We’ve come a long way, the two of us. My mom only had one child, but she has six grandchildren–and three aren’t even mine. She supports other children all over the world. She’s helped so many people out of crises and counseled so many women in pain.

God uses time, too, to help us put things in perspective and to use our hurts as the ingredients to help us help others.

I still get sad when I look at my photo albums from childhood–but I love looking through my daughters’ albums. This is who I am today.

I don’t know where you are, but I do know this: God can take  your hurts and He can heal them.

Maybe He’ll use a wonderful man to be part of that healing. Maybe He’ll use your children growing up well to show you what life is supposed to be. Maybe He’ll show you how He created you for a purpose, and He has so much that you can do to bring more life and more love into this world. I don’t know what He’ll do–but He will do something big in you.

I did not have a great childhood. Some of you, I know, are mourning the childhood that your kids have. Things didn’t work out as you wanted them to.

They didn’t work out as my mom wanted them to, either. But her life is so full today. God was big enough to take care of me, and He is big enough to take care of your kids, too.

And maybe, just maybe, He’ll use a really great man to bring some healing into your life, too.

P.S. If you want to see my girls in action–here’s Katie’s video with Becca titled “Why I Don’t Hate My Sister“!

The post How God Used Marriage to Heal Me appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

Preparing Your Daughters for the Honeymoon

It’s Friday, so it’s time for my Round-Up of what was biggest here at the blog this week.

AND I also get to expand on a few things that I started talking about, and share with you some of the things that are going on behind the scenes, in my real life.

So today I thought I’d talk a little bit more about the wedding night, since we’ve been focusing on that this week.

But first…

What’s #1 This Week

#1 on the Blog: Why the Duggar Abuse Scandal Matters

#1 on Facebook: How to Stop Temper Tantrums Before They Start

#1 on Pinterest: A Simple Thank You Can Transform Your Marriage

#1 on Twitter: 16 Ways to Flirt with Your Husband

 

Talking To Your Daughters About the Honeymoon

I know many of you are in the throes of diapers and lunchboxes and minivans.

But I also have readers at the other end of the parenting years–like me–whose children are now growing up and leaving the nest.

A reader sent me this question:

My daughter will be getting married and she is a virgin. Not sure if you’ve already done something like this but could you do a blog summarizing good books to give to virgin newlyweds and how to encourage mother-daughter talks before the wedding night? Anything along those lines. I see that your daughter will be getting married soon. So what kind of special preparations are you doing with her that can set her honeymoon off in the right direction?

Great question! And I hope I helped you out a bit this week with my Top 10 Wedding Night tips. Have her read that–it’s super practical, and it may start some good conversations.

And remember to pick up my book The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex. It’s great for ANY married women, but my prayer is really that all engaged women will read it (I do have a chapter in it just on the honeymoon, with help for those who are virgins and some thoughts for those who are not). I think if women read it earlier they can avoid a lot of problems later!

The hard part, I think, is just talking about the specifics. And some specifics she may not really want to talk to you about: will it hurt; do I need lubrication; it may be messy; etc. etc. Those things are great to talk about if you’re comfortable, but it’s honestly okay to hear it from a book.

I think the message she does need from you is this one: Just relax. You have a whole marriage to get this right, and just have fun and explore and don’t worry if it’s not perfect right off the bat!

One other thing she really needs from you is honest talk about birth control (if she’s planning on using it). Many girls are really clueless about this, and are absolutely paranoid about getting pregnant right away. And that’s the sort of thing she can’t learn from peers who haven’t had years of experience yet. So having that conversation with her could be really useful.

Finally, get her something super cute and frilly to wear. Buy her a really nice nightgown. Seriously. Don’t do the over-the-top lingerie (discreetly make sure she has some friends who are throwing that kind of shower for her); but do buy her something really pretty so you give her the message: “you are gorgeous, you are lovely, you are all grown up, and I gladly launch you into married life well!”

I’m Cleaning Out My House–And Making It Worse

So Katie is moving out this summer, leaving us empty nesters, and we’re changing the whole house around. The basement is going to become an apartment so that we can have more long-term guests, and Rebecca’s old room will become a YouTube studio for me (and for Katie when she’s home). But that means that we have to condense all our stuff (I have another word for “all our stuff” for it right now that isn’t really printable).

When I was in Colorado speaking Katie totally cleaned up our exercise room. It was gorgeous. But the way she cleaned it up was by stacking things neatly in the closet. I now need the closet to move our stuff from the basement, so I’ve been going through everything and sorting. And it is so much worse! Sigh. I know this will get better, but what a mess!

What Movies Taught Katie

I’m not sure if I ever shared Katie’s latest video–What Movies Taught Me. Thought you may enjoy it! (She’d love it if you clicked through to YouTube and shared it from there!)

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Understand Your Man! Ultimate Marriage Reading Challenge for June

It’s our Ultimate Marriage Reading Challenge in 2015–June edition!

Most of us want to grow, but life often gets in the way. And sometimes we just need new ideas and a fresh perspective to help us figure out how to do marriage better!

So this year I’m challenging you to read 12 books with me. Last month we looked at how to juggle your role as wife and mom, and I suggested that you read To Love, Honor and Vacuum (the book!). Here’s a great run-down of how not to feel so taken for granted.

I know some of you haven’t read a book in a long time, but remember: it’s just one book a month! And this month we’re going to have some fun!

 

Choose from these 3 books–and one challenge!–on understanding your man.

Why three books? If I just pick one you may have already read it. And I want you all to have a choice, because we’re all coming at marriage from different experiences, perspectives, and problems.

This is going to be on of the most fun months–and a month you may like to do with your husband. You’ll learn about the differences between you, and you’ll laugh at yourselves together. And since Father’s Day is in June, I thought this month was a good one to encourage you to understand more about your man!

Here’s how they’re organized: The first two books are for women struggling with feeling taken for granted or struggling to find their voice. They start with a book with mild marriage problems and end with a book with major marriage problems. But what if you actually have a really GOOD marriage, and don’t feel taken for granted? Then the FOURTH book is for you (in fact, it’s for everyone, even your husbands. It’s amazing. And I love it!) Here we go:

Men Are Like Waffles, Women Are Like Spaghetti

The classic Christian gender differences book–that’s super fun and practical! Pam and Bill Farrel talk about how gender differences impact our communication, our goals, our families, and so much more. It’s a fun one to read, and you’ll find yourself giggling along with them as you see, “Oh, my goodness, I SO do that!” But you’ll also appreciate the heavier parts of the book where they challenge us to rise above our differences and forge real oneness.

Who should choose this book: Anyone who wants an easy–but insightful–read this month, and who may want to share this book with her spouse.

The Language of Love and Respect: Cracking the Communication Code

Emerson Eggerichs wrote the classic book Love & Respect, and now he follows it up with a practical book about how to actually communicate when you speak two different languages. If you love the concept of Love & Respect, you’ll love the way he shows you how you can learn to build up your spouse and feel that connection again.

Who should choose this book: Anyone who is finding it difficult to connect right now in their marriage and needs some real help. A bit of a heavier book than the Farrels’ take on gender differences, but really useful.

Just Your Type: Create the Relationship You’ve Always Wanted Using the Secrets of Personality Type

And now for something completely different! If you’ve never found the “gender differences” talk that useful in your marriage, because you feel like you’re often reversed; or if you want to go deeper into understanding your differences, then this book is for you!

This is not a Christian book. It’s simply a book based on the MBTI 16 personality types, and it looks at how understanding your particular “type” and your spouse’s particular “type” can help you figure out where you’ll tend to clash and what to do to avoid those clashes. I absolutely love personality type stuff (I’m an ENTJ, and I’ve written about that before), and I find this depth of analysis actually really useful. I’m a rather “male” personality type (though they would argue there’s no such thing), but it means that when we talk about gender differences I don’t always relate (though I am such a multitasker and spaghetti person!). But with this stuff I totally do! And I love it.

Who should choose this book: If you love personality type analysis, and you actually know what MBTI means, then take a look at this one!

Your Challenge

I also have a practical challenge to go along with the reading challenge I’m doing this month. I’m going to encourage you and your husband to take a personality test together. Stay tuned for more info, but if you want to get started, here’s a good place to take a test now!

What I’ll Be Reviewing in June

This month I’ll look specifically at Men Are Like Waffles and Just Your Type–but choose any of the books to read yourself. Choose the that speaks the most to you, and then together we’ll look at these other ones! When I’m reviewing Just Your Type, I’m going to look specifically at what happens when an introvert marries an extrovert, because that’s one of the most common questions I get about personality.

Remember: one book a month. That’s all it is. Leave it in your purse or your bathroom–you’ll get through it! And you’ll find that if you read one book, on a different topic, every month, you will transform your marriage!

Leave me a comment and tell me which book you’ll be reading–or which book you’d recommend on understanding differences.

 

The post Understand Your Man! Ultimate Marriage Reading Challenge for June appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

Wifey Wednesday: My Virgin Wedding Night

This week we’re doing a mini-series on preparing for the wedding night–and the honeymoon! Our culture talks like being a virgin on your wedding night can be so awkward–and even so shaming. Today Mercy McCulloch Hasselbad joins us to tell her story about her wedding night (as a virgin)–and how they got comfortable with one another.

My readers run the gamut from very conservative households to very laid back ones. And sometimes most of the information seems to apply more to the laid back ones. So today I thought I’d share this great personal story from another point of view–showing that no matter what type of household you grow up in, sex can be a beautiful experience of discovery for you.

Here’s Mercy:

My husband and I never even kissed before our wedding day. We had been very careful, and we were really shy about sex and our bodies. So, when we got married, getting comfortable with each other was HUGE. We didn’t even sleep the first few weeks, because it was so strange having somebody else in our bed. But, even with all the awkwardness, it’s a time I look back to very lovingly. It was such an amazing time. If I could travel back and help my about-to-be-married or just-married self, here’s what I would say.

Relax on Your Wedding Night!

As you go into your wedding, communication is so important. Because of all the craziness around our wedding (we were moving to Asia 3 days after our wedding), we agreed that sex might not happen for awhile, and that was okay. We would figure it out eventually. Make sure you know what your spouse is expecting or dreaming about! You won’t always be on the same page, and it’s a lot of stress if you’re expecting to have to perform for the first time after wedding craziness, and your husband is, too, but neither of you really wants to try.

Our wedding night, we didn’t sleep at all. But not because we were all over each other. It was just so weird having someone, especially someone I loved so much, in the bed with me. We were trying to sleep, because we were flying out to a short honeymoon in Disneyland the morning after. But we were both so wound up we didn’t sleep, even though we were so tired.

Encouragement–It’s Okay to Go Slow!

Eventually, we both resigned to the fact we weren’t going to sleep, drank some water, and I offered to let him see me in my underwear for the first time. He told me how amazingly beautiful he thought I was. That expression was vital. It gave me the confidence to show him more of me.

Be encouraging and affirming towards your new spouse. Usually, this comes naturally, because it’s so exciting and new to be married. But it’s so important that I couldn’t leave it out. Being vulnerable with another person is scary! But if the other person applauds and adores your every step, it becomes really easy to give them everything.

Pay Attention!

Along with communication, it’s so important to pay attention and be encouraging to your new spouse. My husband had always dreamed of helping his new wife out of her wedding dress. But it was something he had never communicated, and I was so nervous and self-conscious that I made him turn away while I changed into my PJs. Later, he told me this dream, and I felt really bad. Awkward things will happen and you will hurt each other, but when you’re married, those just become something to smile about. But pay attention and communicate!! That’s the only way you help each other have the wedding and honeymoon of their dreams.

Reveling in All of the “Firsts” on your Honeymoon

We went to Disneyland for our honeymoon. It was so sweet and fun. But neither of us were sleeping very well. It’s just weird sleeping in the same bed with someone if you’ve never done it before. But don’t stress about it! It will become so natural that you can’t sleep without your spouse!

The first time we were naked with each other, it was with all the lights off. I asked if he wanted to jump in the shower with me. We didn’t touch each other. Just the thought of each other there, even without seeing it, was very intense and exciting and enough.

Slowly, we got more comfortable with each other. I wouldn’t trade that time for the world. We went through hundreds of “first times” together, and it was just us to share them. We were completely vulnerable and special to each other. It was a slow revealing of things and thoughts and desires that we’d never touched before. It was intense and exciting and like Christmas every day.

Dispelling Hollywood’s Version of Sex

As with a lot of things Hollywood portrays, their perfect, rehearsed, smooth version of sex isn’t realistic, especially the first few dozen times. You can hurt each other, you won’t always complete it, and it will feel really weird the first few times. This is the perfect time to work on communication and forgiveness, though. Talk to each other. Figure out what’s going on, tell each other what feels good and if something hurts.

I was really awkward the first few times, because it did hurt at first. I would describe how it felt and hurt and that didn’t help my husband, ha ha. We waited a week or two before even trying it, though. We didn’t do it right away.

But it gets better, especially when you learn from each other and figure out what turns each other on. And eventually, you have better-than-Hollywood sex, and it’s super awesome almost every time. But, especially at first, take it easy. Don’t expect amazing things or for your new spouse to read your mind. Pay attention to each other. Learn from each other. Don’t be selfish, but also don’t be afraid to let your spouse know what’s turning you on.

I read a blog awhile ago where a woman bemoaned the fact that she had waited until her wedding night to have sex. She said she felt so guilty and it was so awkward. And, in one way, she was right. It is awkward, at first.

But I wouldn’t trade those awkward firsts for being the best sex goddess in the world. Those awkward firsts are something that only me and my husband share. Those accomplishments and learning together were like the infancy of our physical relationship. We are almost 2 years married now, and we laugh tenderly when we talk about our first time trying to have sex and the awkward things we said and tried to do.

So, if you’re getting married soon or just got married and are wondering what is going on, just relax. Communicate. Pay attention. Forgive. Marriage is a learning process, and sex is a part of that. It’s okay to be awkward. It’s okay to fall on your face. It’s your husband, somebody you’ll be with forever. One day, you’ll look back on the awkward times and smile, and a part of you will wish you could re-live it.

Mercy McCulloch Hasselblad is an author and artist originally from Idaho. She has a deep love for the beauty of God’s nature and light, for sharing the peace of God, and for her husband. She and Matt currently live as missionaries overseas. She just finished a children’s book, The Artist and the Clay, about how God created each of us for a purpose. She blogs over at mercymhass.wordpress.com.

Now, what advice do you have for us today? Link up the URL of your marriage post in the linky below! And be sure to link back here so other people can read these great marriage posts.

Marriage isn't supposed to be blah!


Sex is supposed to be stupendous--physically, emotionally, AND spiritually.

If it's not, get The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex--and find out what you've been missing.

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Top 10 Wedding Night Tips

It’s June, the wedding month, so I thought we’d spend a few days talking about getting ready for the honeymoon.

As my frequent readers know, I have a daughter getting married next month, so this has been a conversation in our house.

And today, for Top 10 Tuesday, I thought I’d share the top 10 wedding night tips to help you have a great start to your life together!

I asked on my Facebook Page for readers to share their best wedding night tips, and they were awesome! Thank you. So here are the top ones mentioned, plus a few of my own I thought were important.

I’m writing this primarily for women who are virgins on their wedding nights and really don’t know what to expect. But even if you’re sexually experienced, everything is new once you’re married. And so read on–you may pick up some good tips, too!

1. Everything is better if you relax. So let things happen as they’re going to happen–don’t worry about expectations.

Everyone looks forward to the wedding night their whole life. But what people often forget to tell you is that the wedding night comes after the wedding DAY–which is likely the longest day of your life! You’ll be tired. You’ll be spent. And now you’re supposed to have this amazing night!

This is the first night of the rest of your life. You have so much time together. So just enjoy each other and let things happen as they happen. I asked on Facebook for wedding night tips, and one of the most frequent was, “wait for the morning to have sex! You’ll be too tired!”

In my surveys for The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, about 20% of women didn’t have sex on their wedding nights. Another 20% of women rated their wedding nights as pretty awful in terms of sexual pleasure. But you know what? If you follow these women for ten years, they end up rating their sex lives then exactly the same as the women who had amazing wedding nights!

All that is to say that the QUALITY of sex you have really doesn’t matter in the long run. Once you get practice it’s all going to work out fine. So don’t worry–just have fun getting to know each other and relax about it.

(And I have tons of tips in The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex about how to do just that–how to relax and how to make it feel better!)

2. Think about spending the first night at home

Instead of heading straight off to a honeymoon destination, consider spending your first night in your new home. You’ll feel more comfortable, and it will feel more “permanent” or real.

3. Beware of hotel beds that are too soft.

If you do go to a hotel, though, that’s fine. But a little heads up: for sex to work well you need a little bit of leverage. He needs something to brace against to push, or else he can tend to put too much weight on you. And you need to be positioned enough that the angle is right (I explain in more detail in my book).

Ironically, hotel beds tend to be just AWFUL for this, because they go for softness. When you sink into a mattress it may feel luxurious, but it’s often not the best for sex.

The solution sometimes is to turn 180 degrees so that your feet are against the headboard. This gives him a little more leverage. Or ask for a hotel with a “dial a bed” so that you can make the bed firmer if it’s too soft.

(Also, if you are going to a hotel, ask for a room with a king sized bed rather than a room with two queens. It can actually be hard to sleep with someone lying next to you, so go for a bigger bed.)

4. Think baths & massages.

Want to relax as you’re getting to know each other? Think jacuzzi tub (or even a plain bathtub!). Think massage oil and giving each other whole body massages. It will help you be naked together with something to do–other than just have sex! And showering and taking baths is a great way to feel intimate and get used to each other.

One note: movies make jacuzzi sex seem easy and so much fun! It can be fun to “fool around”, but the angle is awfully hard to get right in a jacuzzi. Have fun, but if you have to move to the bed for the “main event”, that’s honestly okay. And likely a lot easier.

5. Take some lubrication!

For some people the first time hurts; for some it really doesn’t. If it does hurt, it won’t for very long (and if it hurts because it’s too tight, that’s a different issue. Just keep working on relaxing, and if after a few days it still doesn’t work, read this).

But you can help everything feel more comfortable by taking some lubrication with you, like Astroglide or even coconut oil.

6. Think clean up! It can be messy.

Have some towels or Kleenex by the bed. It can be a lot messier than you think.

7. Cranberry juice is your friend.

If you’ve never had sex before, and now you’re suddenly going to “try” new things a whole bunch of times in the next few days, that’s a big jolt to your body. It’s hardly surprising that one of the most common reasons for going to the doctor during one’s honeymoon is urinary tract infections.

But you can avoid these! Just pee after each time you have sex (urine is actually sterile and can “clean out” all the extra stuff there) and drink some cranberry juice. You’ll be fine. And make sure he urinates, too! It’s much better for both of you and a good habit to get into.

 8. Bring something else to do.

If you’re going to a hotel or a honeymoon destination for a few days, you’re going to need something else to do. Seriously. You can’t have sex all the time.

Bring some board games two people can play. Bring a computer with Netflix on it. Bring bathing suits to go swimming or work out gear. Bring good sneakers so you can go for a hike or play tennis.

The last thing you want is to be stuck in your hotel room, bored, with a remote control, skipping through old episodes of CSI.

9. Bring some pyjamas. And a robe. And a sweater.

Lingerie is wonderful, and every woman should have some for her wedding night and honeymoon! We all feel a little less self-conscious with a little bit of fabric.

But remember: hotel air conditioning can be notoriously cold. Bring some actual pyjamas. And a robe. And a sweater. Or you just may freeze!

One bride wrote on my Facebook page that they forgot clothes altogether. They went straight to the hotel room from the reception and didn’t have a bag of clothes. They were stuck in their room the whole next day and missed the breakfast until a relative came and rescued them!

10. Practice Makes Perfect!

One woman wrote on Facebook: “my husband always says, ‘first night is highly overrated; so get it over with and practice, practice, practice!’ ”

I think that’s good advice!

I hope you’re able to relax and have a great time getting to know each other on your wedding night. Remember, I have a whole chapter of wedding night tips in The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and I hope that it helps you start your marriage in a fun, stress-free way.

Now, do any of you have any great wedding night tips? Leave them in the comments–and then share this on Facebook and Pinterest to help out all the new brides you know who may be too embarrassed to ask!

 

 

 

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