Sheila Wray Gregoire's Blog, page 180

Five More Days Until the Wedding!

I am in the middle of such a summer of transition. And it seems like it’s speeding up!

I took this picture of my daughter’s old bedroom this morning. She hasn’t lived at home for two years now, but lately we’ve been cleaning out her room because I’m going to turn it into a YouTube studio/guest room. Here’s what it looks like today, just five days before her wedding:

It just all seems so bittersweet.

I’ve still got the wedding bulletins to finish up, and we’re still working on the seating plan for the reception. I’ve got family doing the decorating, so that’s taken care of. But tomorrow my husband and I are going to go and finally meet Connor’s parents (they live across the country from us, and they’ve just flown in).

Last week I was in Minneapolis for my younger daughter’s international Bible quizzing tournament.

She was graduating. This was her sixth year at internationals; and it’s been such a major part of our lives for eight years. I ran the program at our church, and for the last two years I’ve organized meets for our district. I’ve gotten to know hundreds of kids who are dedicated to learning God’s word.

Here’s what Katie posted on Instagram after her last quiz ever:

“The word of God is living and active, sharper than any double-edged sword…” Hebrews 4:12 Couldn’t have asked for a better way to finish quizzing or better people to be surrounded by while there. #internationals2015 #grateful

A photo posted by Katie Gregoire

When Sex Seems Like a Chore

A few weeks ago a young wife caused quite a stir when she wrote an article called “The Night I Gave My Husband a Free Pass.” I won’t link to it because I think quite a few of you would find the site itself and the language objectionable, but let me summarize.

Basically, they have a great marriage. They’re good friends, they parent well together, they do stuff together. But she has no libido, and making love when she doesn’t feel like it is degrading and gross, she says. And she doesn’t understand why sex has to be a part of marriage. It all seems so silly. Why give up a perfectly good relationship just because the sex isn’t there? So her solution is this: he can have an affair or use a prostitute, it’s honestly okay with her. In fact, she’d appreciate it because then he’d stop bothering her and they could go on with their real lives together!

A number of you have sent that article to me and asked me to comment, but I haven’t really had time what with wedding preparation (9 Days and Counting!). But I’ve had some men send me some material that I think is really useful for women who start getting into that frame of mind.

I’m sure the vast majority of us have never thought, “just go use a prostitute.” But we may start to see sex as a chore. Here’s Matt Jacobson talking about why thinking of sex as a chore is NEVER a good idea–and what we can do instead.

And here’s a thoughtful response to that article written by one of my male readers, Jack Lopez, who sent it along to me. I thought you all may appreciate it:

He writes to the author,

Wow! Thank you for opening up a discussion about this.

I realize that it probably started as just venting and that there are a lot more dynamics to your marriage than just what is shown in this article, and while it is a testament to how understanding your husband is, it is really sad to hear all of the pain and frustration (on both sides of the fence) going on. I appreciate your honesty, and your husband sounds like a pretty normal guy. For you and your readers, please let me share some insight from 25 years (and counting) of marriage. (And know that none of this is meant to attack you in any way – please read to the end and you will see my heart)

My wife has been through a lot of health issues, including cancer & complications which resulted in having a mastectomy with no reconstruction, a year of chemo causing the loss of all of her hair, and weight gain due to the drugs she was on. So we had plenty of body issues to go around! (She has been cancer free for over 7 years now, which we are very thankful for) We also have a whole herd of mouths to feed and chores to do, active businesses in addition to outreach and counseling. We have had our ups and downs in the sex department, with all of the obligatory fights and start-overs and it continues to be an ongoing challenge. I like most husbands am pretty lousy at communicating in this arena.

That being said we love each other very much and neither of us has ever cheated.

I still am just as attracted to her as the day we met. We both have a strong faith and relationship with God which makes a difference through the hard times.

So, here are seven insights that I hope will help you and your readers:

1) Your husband is a smart guy.

While I have often thought that if prostitution was moral and legal it would make marriage easier for all the reasons you described, that’s not the way we were designed. It’s abusive to women involved in the industry, soul crushing to all involved and would be toxic to your relationship and kids. (just imagine trying to explain to your kids why daddy got arrested for soliciting a prostitute, or when his sugar baby shows up on your doorstep telling you that you should divorce him because you can’t make him happy like she does). So like your husband says, it’s not sex he wants, it’s sex with you, the woman he loves and would lay down his life for. It is a spiritual connection between two people that have committed their lives to each other, and there is no other place he can get that.

Everything else is just a counterfeit.

Even if it is not “cheating” to you, it would be “cheating” to him, which would come with the shame, guilt, confusion, etc… that goes along with it.

2) You are too busy.

No woman is going to feel in the mood after being sleep deprived from taking care of the kids, cleaning the house and working. So make some changes! You said your husband would not mind if you hired a cleaning service, or ate take out a few nights a week. Do it! Get some help, hire a sitter, take some “me” time, go to the spa, have lunch with a friend. See, your husband understands what is important. He can hire someone to clean, cook and babysit, but you are the only person that can make him feel loved, appreciated and connected to. (For you ladies, try telling your husband that you need to hire someone to help around the house so you can focus on having more sex with him and see how fast he finds room in the budget for it.)

Ten years from now your kids aren’t going to care if you personally did not scrub the kitchen floor, they will care if they had a father that was angry and depressed most of the time.

3) Sex is not just physical.

Sex makes your husband feel loved, cared for, and connected to you. He draws self esteem and happiness from the fact that you desire him, and that he can still “ring your bell”. When he sees you spend countless hours on the house, the kids, your job, he knows that those things are very important to you by the fact you give your precious time and energy to them. When you can’t make 30-45 minutes a week to meet his physical needs, or make it seem like an undesirable chore, you tell him that his real place on your list is somewhere below vacuuming and changing dirty diapers.

No matter how many times you say you love him, your actions say differently. Now a note here: if you have lost respect for your husband because of something he is or has done, then you need to address and resolve it. If you do not love and respect your husband, your kids will not either, which will open them up to a whole slew of issues.

4) You are making it more difficult / stressful than it needs to be.

Stop being so hard on yourself. Husbands are actually pretty easy to keep happy. To make his wife happy, your husband has to be a breadwinner, a mentor, example and loving father to your kids, plan for the future, maintain the mechanics of the house and vehicles, have good ears to attentively listen to your hopes, dreams, be understanding of your moods and struggles, a shoulder to cry on and to be a wall of protection between your family and an ever increasingly crazy world.

The effort to make your husband happy involves ten minutes of physical activity that ends with you occasionally having screaming orgasms. (I’ve often said to my wife after she has a particularly strong climax, “Why would you not want to do that every day?”)

Not that every single time it has to be “mind blowing”. We know that sometimes you are not in the mood, and do it anyways and we appreciate it. There is “maintenance sex” and then there is “roll around in the bed hot and heavy sex” and lots in between, but it is all good to us. Don’t get hung up on your performance, just enjoy it.

5) It is about quantity as much as quality.

Men need sex on a regular basis. Women like it to happen organically, but when you are married with kids, that is darn near impossible. You don’t “spontaneously” take your kids to soccer practice, or wait until you are in the mood to take them to school or feed them. My wife made a chart once to show examples how my anger and resentment were not at all a turn on, but being thoughtful and kind first and helping out around the house, and then doing romantic things moved her closer to the place where she felt loved and connected and desired intimacy.

I found it to be helpful, but it also struck me that for men, it works 180 degrees opposite. When we have just been intimate, we feel loved, connected, we want to help out around the house, buy you flowers, and show kindness. After it’s been a couple of days, we feel less connected, especially if we have been rejected in between. By the time a week has gone by we feel unappreciated, confused and frustrated. Two weeks and we feel taken for granted, resentful and angry. Longer and we are distant, despondent and depressed. (even if we hide it)

So stop the cycle! Schedule a date night every week or two (which does not have to include sex), but also schedule time for intimacy. Don’t underestimate the power of a good “quickie”!

6) It is the best thing for your kids.

Your husband is more important than your kids. He is the one you made a covenant with. Your kids are going to grow up and leave you and start families of their own. He is going to be with you for the rest of your life. The greatest gift you can give your children is a father that is respected, loved, happy and connected to the family. And you are the one with the power to make it so.

7) Fix it now.

Let me paint two scenarios. In scenario #1, you take some part of my advice and choose to show him that love through physical affection. (which isn’t just sex: holding hands, hugging and “real” kisses are just as important) Your husband is stress free and happy, involved with the kids, prizes you above all else, and the two of you live a long and fulfilling life.

In scenario #2, you continue for the next 3 to 5 years saying “sex just isn’t important right now I will get to it later” which says to your husband, “you are just not important to me right now, I will get to you later”. He becomes resentful, angry and depressed. He tries to hide it, but becomes more distant.

You have sex every once in a while, but it is mechanical and unfulfilling. Eventually he just gives up. Your kids grow up with a father that is physically or emotionally absent. He finds reasons to work late and hobbies that isolate him from the family. Maybe one day he takes you up on your “free pass”, but by then he sees that “free pass” as a one way ticket out of a relationship that he does not get anything out of.

Or maybe he sticks around and becomes bitter and emasculated, you never say a kind word to each other, you start sleeping in separate rooms, he becomes addicted to porn (not because he thinks other women are prettier than you, but because he is captivated by the fact that some women appear to still desire and enjoy sex). If he doesn’t leave or die early from stress/depression, then by the time the kids are out of the house and you finally have “time for sex”, you hate each other and are so far apart that without divine intervention you either get divorced “now that the kids are gone” or spend the rest of your life making each other miserable because it is all you know how to do.

I am hoping that you opt for scenario #1. If you do, as the saying goes: Just do it. There will be ups and downs, life will happen in between and everything will be ok, because you will have a happy husband by your side, to help, protect, provide and take on the world with you.

Jack is starting to get his views known on the web at his website, Insightful Guy Musings. He’s an ordained minister who once bought Vladimir Putin a drink. And he says he played a small part in the financial collapse of 2007.

I appreciate his thoughts, but I’d love to know: what do you think? Let me know in the comments!

31 Days to Great Sex is here (only $4.99!) It's the best $5 you'll ever spend on your marriage!

Learn to talk more, flirt more, and even explore more! You'll work on how to connect emotionally, spiritually, AND physically.

Find out more here.

The post When Sex Seems Like a Chore appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

Wifey Wednesday: The ONE Tip That Will Make Sex Feel Great!

Here it is. Are you ready for it? The ONE tip that will make sex feel great.

It’s Wednesday, the day when we always talk marriage. I introduce a post, and then you all can link up your own marriage posts below (please, marriage only!).

And today I thought I’d share something quick that can make a huge difference in your marriage.

Here we go.

Do you know why sex doesn’t always feel very good for women?

It’s because sex is primarily in our heads. What we’re THINKING about determines how we’re FEELING.

And that means that to feel good during sex, we have to be thinking positively about it. We have to be able to concentrate so we don’t get distracted.

A few years ago when giving my Girl Talk I explained it like this:

(I’m bringing Girl Talk all over the eastern seaboard next year. If your church may want to host me, just ask for an information packet.)

Here’s the problem. We women are multi-taskers. And our bodies don’t kick in unless our brains do first. So, if you’re counting ceiling tiles or planning a grocery list in your head, sex isn’t going to feel good. If you are lying there waiting for him to do exactly the right thing to send you over the edge, you aren’t going to feel good. Because there is nothing he CAN do if your brain isn’t engaged in the process.

So the real question isn’t what super move to do in bed. The real question is how can you get your blasted brain to stop making that grocery list? How can you stop thinking, “I really should be asleep by now. I’m going to be so tired tomorrow.” Or how can you stop thinking, “this is kinda boring. Nothing’s really happening for me right now.”

Here’s what you’re going to do. You’re going to tell your brain what to think about.

It’s that easy.

When you’re making love, simply ask yourself these two questions:

What feels good right now?

and

Where do I want to be touched right now?

Just those two questions.

Because when you ask those two questions, you start paying attention to your body. You get your brain out of the grocery list and onto more interesting parts of your anatomy. And once you do that, you may just notice that something DOES feel good. And then you can let yourself be carried away by that feeling. You can increase that feeling by directing more of his attention there. You can change position so that it feels even better.

But you keep THINKING about it.

Look, we all see these movies where the wife is doing paperwork or cleaning and he sneaks up behind her and starts feeling her and she’s carried away in raptures. But most of us know that in real life if he were to do that we wouldn’t be carried away. We’d be annoyed because our heads aren’t in the game. Our heads are in the paperwork or the cleaning and so no matter what he does it won’t feel good. We can’t concentrate on sex when we’re doing something else. Multitasking just doesn’t work for us in the sexual realm.

I think, though, that many of us feel that he SHOULD be such a good lover that we can just daydream and think about stuff in bed and somehow whatever he does will feel so good that we’re carried away anyway.

It doesn’t work like that. We have to be active participants–and that means actively thinking about it. We may want to be carried away, but we can only be carried away if we let ourselves think about it.

So try that: just ask yourself, “what feels good right now? What do I want him to touch?” And keep asking that. And you may just notice that it IS feeling good!

“Getting Your Head in the Game” is one of the challenges in my book, 31 Days to Great Sex. And there’s lots more in there to help you prepare for sex and then KEEP your head in the game, so it’s easier to feel good! Check it out today.

Have you ever noticed this phenomenon–that you can’t feel good unless you’re concentrating? Do you find it easy to concentrate–or hard? Let me know in the comments!

Now, what advice do you have for us today? Leave the URL of your marriage post (please, only marriage, no cooking) in the linky below. And then be sure to link back here so other people can read these great posts!

Marriage isn't supposed to be blah!


Sex is supposed to be stupendous--physically, emotionally, AND spiritually.

If it's not, get The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex--and find out what you've been missing.

The post Wifey Wednesday: The ONE Tip That Will Make Sex Feel Great! appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

Top 10 Ways to Stop Being a Nagging Wife–and Be a Sweetheart Instead

Today, please welcome a sister from Uganda, Roxanna.A.Kazibwe, from You are Being Loved. Roxanna is sharing 10 fantastic and tried tips to stop being a nagging wife.

Are you the nagging wife?

Here are 10 tried tips that will help you be a sweetheart. By nagging wife here, I am not talking about a weak, whining, small-voiced creature. I am talking about head-strong, independent women–women who, like me, thought they would get married at 40 (for companionship in their old age), but somehow this prince charming swept them off their feet and into holy matrimony, where they met the big S word–Submission— and they had/have no idea what it means.

If you are having a bit of trouble with impatience; having to always get things done your way, cannot for the life of you wait for anything or anyone then this is for you.



I had been told by my mum, my siblings and some close girl friends of mine that I had a streak of control-freakishness, but I had mostly brushed it off. Maybe it was the way they said it, with a chuckle or a shaking of the head, “Roxie, you are such a control-freak!” I honestly thought they were all just teasing me good-naturedly. Until I met my husband.

When we had just started dating he would comment about it and laugh, then he stopped laughing.

“You are doing that thing again”

“What thing?” I’d ask.

“That thing where you ask me to do something then your breathe down my neck until I finish it”

OR “That thing where I’m talking to someone on the phone and you are making signs and prompting me on what to say with loud whispers in my other ear”

OR “That thing where you are always right and we have to do it your way…”

Well, you get the drift.



When God started dealing with me concerning this, I apologized to my husband and told him I’d work on it. When I asked him later how it used to make him feel, he said he felt “disrespected, mistrusted and not understood.”

I love my husband. He is the sweetest, most patient, most gracious man that I know. I want to be sweet and respectful to him. Over time, I’ve come up with this list of things that I can do to control myself instead of controlling him. As Danny Silk says, “The only person you can control on a good day is yourself!”

1. Keep quiet.

Please. When things are not moving according to your pace or how you would want them to happen, you are most likely complaining. So, here’s a solution- keep quiet. Bite your tongue, bandage it up & have it full. See, now you can’t talk. Everything you want to say will come out as oooaaahh. No, don’t write it down either. Practicing this has helped me a great deal ☺ I have been saved from saying things which I’d later on regret. “Why are you so slow?” “Goodness you haven’t done that yet?” Nah-ah.

2. Walk away

Like Literally. Go to the next room. Go outside. Just leave the world its peace. Do it respectfully though. Do not act like you have stomped out. Usually if the activity that is causing me to be bossy (“Babe, fix that curtain”, “Babe when are you going to fix the curtain?”, “God, the sun!”, “Babe, not like that”) is in the bedroom, I say “I’ll be right back” or “let me check on this” so that my husband knows I have not gone out in anger and I’m not throwing a tantrum. So, when you go to another room…

3. Too busy to pry

Do something. Cook a meal. Do the dishes ( :-p ) Call a friend.

If it’s a long-term thing that is causing you to nag then keep yourself busy by starting another project. By the time you are done he’ll most probably be done too.

4. Rest

Sometimes you are just tired. I can be a wifezilla when I am fatigued. So, we have an agreement at home to not have ‘serious’ conversations after 8pm unless it is a matter of life and death. We have our ‘serious conversations’ in the morning before leaving home when everyone is fresh and sane. Solution-sleep on it.

5. Pray

Yes, you can remove the bandage from your mouth and pray. Pray for strength and grace to wait. Pray for wisdom to make the right decision. Give thanks to the Lord and be filled with the joy of the Spirit. Let Him take charge. Let Him do the talking. Let Him take the wheel and give you rest. Let Him walk you away from the chaos in your mind to His still waters. Praying will work for you every time. It will even take your focus off whatever it is that’s causing you discomfort or distress. And speaking of focus…

6. Beauty

Everything is pink and rosy. Look at the positive side. Look for the positive side. If you are too ticked to see any positives then look at beauty. What calms you? What inspires you? Taking walks helps me, looking at cloud patterns inspires me. Looking at wedding pictures hanging in the living room makes me smile. This might seem cheesy to you but I’ll tell you it works.

7. Don’t take the wheel

Keep your hands off. So, hubby dearest is taking his time to get things done and instead of go at it with him again you decide to do it yourself. Don’t you dare. I have been prey to this countless times and by countless I mean I lost count because they were so many until God talked to me about this personally. Here’s what I learnt; whenever you do a task your husband was supposed to do or you had asked your husband to do (without him asking for your help), your husband feels disrespected. In girl language, he feels unloved. It is like the worst thing ever. You might as well cut out his heart while you are at it.

8. Speak life

Remove the bandage on your tongue only if you are willing to be well behaved and speak to yourself. To yourself. “I am patient” “I am wise” “A wise woman builds up her house, a foolish one tears it down” Calm yourself with words. Do not use this time to complain to yourself or speak anything negative concerning your husband. Reaffirm your identity as a lovely wife, as a respectful wife, as a virtuous woman. Try it. Do it even now. Do it in the mirror if you want to. You are patient. Believe it. Act like it.

9. Be empathetic

Try to see from his point of view. Perhaps you need to sit down with the person and find out what’s going on. Why the process is taking longer than you would have wanted. I got this bonus point from my husband actually. I was like “Babe, what tips can you give wives who are impatient, sort of like how I was?” and that’s what he said so may be your husband would like for you to be more understanding and behave in a way that shows that you empathize with him.

10. Perspective

Okay, so what is most important for you right now? The relationship or having your way? A happy husband or the results? I mean of course you might get frustrated at some point but that will not be forever, what is forever till death do you part is your covenant relationship with this amazing man. I’ll tell you when you change your mind to care for what is important, the frustrations will shrink.

Check your trust.

Check to see whether you are being impatient because you do not trust the person to deliver or to meet your standards. Perhaps he has failed to do something on time before? Or he has failed you before? May be you are the kind of person who likes to micromanage because you do not trust other people to be as ‘awesome’ as you? I have realized that I used to be so controlling (see how I’m using the past tense here?

5 Quick Marriage Reader Questions

On Mondays I like to post a Reader Question and take a stab at answering it–although this summer my schedule might be a little off what with my daughter’s wedding in less than two weeks and my book release of 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage on August 18 (such an exciting summer!). But I have quite the backlog of questions right now, and often questions come in that I actually have answered before. So I thought I’d post some of them today, and then point you to other posts where I’ve dealt with them.

So here we go:

1. What is your opinion on bikinis?

A reader writes:

So many women in my church say it’s fine because everyone’s doing it. I’ve always felt torn on the issue. My husband thinks it’s alright to wear one. I do my best to be modest and to not draw attention to the sexual areas of my body so I don’t cause men to lust. Today modesty seems to be a very big issue. You have people suggesting it’s the guy’s fault for lusting if you ran around naked. Others would say if you ran around in a burlap sack and a guy was lusting it would still be your fault. I struggle to find the happy medium. When am I being modest enough? When is it no longer my fault for making someone lust? Is it ever my fault?

So many women have been harmed by being told, “it is your fault if a man lusts after you”–as if our bodies are somehow bad.

I’ve written about the modesty movement and the harm it can do. And I’ve written on how modest should not mean dowdy.

The specific question on bikinis is a hard one and one that I think is largely cultural. If you are at a beach where 95% of the females are in bikinis, then I’m not sure that wearing a tankini or a bikini that covers more than usual is really a bad thing. I don’t know that we can make a blanket judgment about certain items of clothing.

Personally, I don’t wear bikinis, but I’ve always worn tankinis (let’s face it: going to the bathroom in a two-piece when you’re on the beach all day is way easier than a one-piece). And tankinis can also be more modest since they can cover more of your bottom.

My rule of thumb tends to be this: when you’re in a group of people,  make sure that you are definitely on the modest end, without being frumpy.

Also, with the 50s styles coming back, many bikinis are actually more modest. Modcloth has a number of 50s inspired swimsuits for both plus sizes and regular sizes, and they aren’t your typical bikini, like this one:

So I have a hard time saying today that bikinis are always wrong. And I also believe that you CAN’T blame a woman who is trying to dress appropriately if a man lusts after her. That’s so wrong–and it’s the foundation of the relationship between the sexes in ISLAM, not in Christianity.

2. What Do You Do When Sex is Painful?

I get quite a few of these questions, and I understand. I went through it, too, as I talk about in The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex. But the questions still make me so sad for these women. Here’s one:

I was a virgin when I was married at 20, and we’ve been married for almost 6 years. I have a toddler and a little baby. I love my husband so much, but I am deeply struggling with our sex life. Before having our son we suffered with a miscarriage, and then struggled to get pregnant for almost a year and a half. Sex during our struggle with infertility really tainted the act for me. It wasn’t about a union or strengthening our marriage, it was like a business meeting. Then we continued to struggle with sex during the pregnancy due to nausea and fatigue. And then I had an extremely traumatic delivery. We nearly lost my son and I needed forceps to get him out. This caused my my vagina to tear all the way through. Now my baby is 6 months old, and sex is still painful. It makes me shake and cry and feel sick to my stomach.

It is so hard to get myself in the mood to want to do something I know will physically hurt me. My marriage is struggling. My husband and I are currently more like roommates than a couple. I feel incredibly guilty because I know I’m the one withholding sex. My husband loves me and respects me and is so wonderful, but I know I am hurting him. After struggling for half of my married life with sex, I feel like I’m stuck in terrible cycles and I can’t seem to break myself out of them.

And here’s another woman who finds sex so painful:

Sheila, I would love for you to write a post about when the act of sex itself is painful. Those of us who suffer from vaginismus experience EXCRUCIATING pain during intercourse, or are even unable to penetrate at all. For the first 4 months of our marriage my husband and I weren’t even able to have sex, not because of the pain but because he literally could NOT get in.

I used dilators and now we can finally “get in”, but it’s still extremely painful and difficult, not romantic or spontaneous at all.

Then last night my husband told me that he doesn’t really like sex as much as he thought he would before we were married. After spending 3 months painfully forcing silicon dilators into my body so that I could fulfill my husband’s sexual needs, having him say he doesn’t like it that much broke my heart. He said it’s not that he doesn’t find me sexy, he just feels like sex isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. It makes me feel inadequate and unappealing. I know I shouldn’t feel that way, but everyone always says that all men are sex maniacs, so if my husband doesn’t care for sex it must be because I’m not good at it. You’re always telling us wives to have sex with our husbands to make them happy, but what about when they don’t even want it? Is it just a stereotype that men love sex? What is wrong with my husband (or me) that makes him not care for it?

To both of these women: I am so, so sorry that you’re going through this. This is heartbreaking to both you women and your husbands, and there’s definitely a lot of grieving going on.

I have written about pain during intercourse, and if you’re suffering from vaginismus, as the last letter writer is, I encourage you to read this post about vaginismus–or when sex hurts.

For the first letter writer, I’d encourage you to keep seeing your doctor and talk to him or her about what you’re feeling. I have a friend whose tear never healed properly and it developed into a much larger problem. So I think you need someone to keep an eye on you and make sure it is healing. Having pain for a prolonged period of time is not normal, and it may be that you have to take a break from intercourse for a few months to entirely heal–which is better than aggravating something and have it develop into something worse.

Now, what about your relationships with your husbands?

I think the reason that the second letter writer’s husband isn’t enjoying sex is because it’s really only about the body. She can’t throw herself into something which hurts (for obvious reasons), and so it feels empty. I truly believe that once you deal with the pain issue the whole way you both see sex will change.

For now, can you all focus on sexual play instead of just intercourse? Often when people feel pain they try to turn off their sexuality entirely, and don’t do even what they can. Play a lot, and then do some of the things in the post on vaginismus to start dealing with the pain. But don’t stop playing, or the whole thing becomes far too serious–and that’s no fun at all. I also talk about this a lot more in The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, so check that out for more thoughts.

3. My Husband Acts Like He’s Single

Here’s a sad one:

We have four little children, and we both feel strongly about protecting them. We don’t allow just anybody to babysit our kids. However, it seems this leads to my always being stuck at home with them while my husband hangs out with a group of young single friends. I feel as though he’s spending his money and his time like a single person, while I’m at home being the mommy. When he is at home, he texts the single girls. Everything is extremely aboveboard and beyond reproach… but it still hurts. I know guys need some time to themselves. So, am I being selfish? Should I talk to him about how much this hurts me… or will I drive him away by making him feel that I’m trying to monopolize his life? I’ve jokingly complained about his close friendship with one of the other women, but guys don’t get hints…

I see several issues here, the first one being that the two don’t seem to communicate. He is doing something that hurts her, she’s hinting, but they’re not talking. And they have four kids already!

People, if, in your marriage, you’re keeping back how you’re feeling, you will never develop an intimate marriage!

I think many of us hold back too much. This is a theme in 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage, but you simply have to talk.

Here’s a post I wrote on just asking for help. Just ask. There is no way around it. He can’t read your mind.

And what about the fact that he’s texting other women? Not acceptable. I’ve written about that, too.

But there’s a bigger thing going on here. They’ve decided they can’t get baby-sitters, so the husband goes out at night. What about just sitting down and planning time for you to do things as a couple? And then planning time when you can go out on your own? It’s not healthy for a guy to be going out alone all the time while the wife stays home. Don’t let this dynamic start! Just talk about it early. Sit down and say, “what would you like to do as a family? What would you like to do as a couple?” And then if he needs an occasional night with the guys, and you’d like a night with the girls, that’s fine, too. But talk about it!

It sounds like the bigger issue is that they never spend any time together. Talk about what hobbies you can develop as a couple.

And get a baby-sitter. Swap with friends if you have to. But find a baby-sitter!

4. My Husband Doesn’t Turn Me On Anymore

Before having children and nursing each for a year, I could look at my husband, be turned on, and count down the minutes till we were in bed. Now, my husband is still the same sexy-hottie (I am not making that up…he is seriously model material, but his character alone is quality enough to make any lady’s hear skip a beat), I am not so much the sexy lady he married, but he is still for some reason drawn to me as though I was. Talk about a lucky lady!! Why am I not turned on by him?? I dread the sex. I don’t know if its my brain/hormones, if I’m depressed, or what?! Is there anything I can cognitively try to get myself excited about his hotness again?

First–totally normal. Those butterflies and severe attraction that we feel tend to wear off within 18-24 months, researchers find. It doesn’t matter what your husband looks like–the feelings tend to fade.

Then, if you’ve got little kids, your hormones could definitely be all wonky. Totally normal again.

So how do you get yourself turned on again? You have to be deliberate about getting your head in the game early in the day. And here’s a post on how to think of your husband as sexy again!

I’d also recommend working through 31 Days to Great Sex. It helps you talk about this stuff again, flirt, think about sex more, and learn to play again. Sometimes just getting out of that rut is all you need.

5. Just Plain Major Mess

Most of the letters I get, though, aren’t about a specific problem–they’re a whole series of problems in a relationship that add up to something quite serious. Here’s a typical letter:

I’ve read your posts about husbands not wanting sex. It’s a battle in my marriage. He had a problem with porn earlier in our relationship but as far as I know he has stopped and to be honest we have less sex now than when he was looking at porn. It could be stress, he was recently retrenched and is only getting back onto his feet now. However I’m the main breadwinner and as much as I try not let him feel like less of a man, when I’m stressed I think I sometimes do. If it’s medical we currently cannot afford to get it checked.

My main problem is that he will usually have sex if I initiate (although sometimes he will reject me). I’ve  just gotten to the point where I feel so unwanted I don’t want him. I feel if he would rather play Xbox or whatever it is, then I just don’t want him to touch me. The last time I initiated he literally picked up his phone to read a message so I stopped. It completely killed the mood.

If he does initiate its in the middle of the night, he’ll wake me… I work 2 jobs and I’m studying, so sometimes I just can’t wake up. Or I wonder what he’s been dreaming, if it’s even me he wants.

I’ve prayed so hard. I’m trying so hard. I feel so alone as its not an easy topic to discuss with people.

What can I do?

That’s such a tough situation! So let me give you a bunch of different links and thoughts.

First, here’s a post on what to do when you have major marriage problems. What do you tackle first?

Second, what about video games? I’ve written before about how to handle it when your husband plays video games too much. But what if the video game habit becomes more than just a habit? Here’s a follow-up, and here’s what to do when it really needs to be confronted.

But in this letter I see some major sexual red flags. First, it isn’t unusual for a guy to have a low sex drive if he plays video games constantly. Any addiction can steal sexual energy.

But there’s something more going on, and it’s this: sex has become divorced from relationship.

It’s become impersonal. And that’s a major red flag. He never initiates; when she does he’s often distracted; but then he does want sex frequently in the middle of the night, when she isn’t engaged. That’s quite typical of people who were addicted to porn, too, because sex has become entirely impersonal for them.

Your marriage may not have exactly these problems, but if sex really is impersonal, then I’d direct you to this post on sexual red flags in marriage. You need to start over and talk about what real intimacy is and how to achieve it. And that may have to be done with a counselor or a pastor, because he’s missing something important.

I’m sorry–I wish there were some magic piece of advice I could give you, but there isn’t.

Some problems are big, but they can only be tackled with real prayer and with TRUE communication. We have to start talking. Too many couples have stopped, and it scares me.

So I hope those posts help some of you! I know many of you have sent questions in, and I will try to get to them after my busy summer. In the meantime, I do have a post most of the Frequently Asked Questions and links to lots of my posts. And it may help you now:

Have a great week, everybody! I’ve got some great posts scheduled for the next little while as I’m checking out on vacation and prep for my daughter’s wedding. I know you’ll enjoy them.

Marriage isn't supposed to be blah!


Sex is supposed to be stupendous--physically, emotionally, AND spiritually.

If it's not, get The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex--and find out what you've been missing.

 

The post 5 Quick Marriage Reader Questions appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

Let’s Celebrate Our Countries!

It’s time for our Friday Round-Up, where I share what’s been big on the blog this week, as well as what’s going on in my personal life.

Before I do that, I just need to say thank you to all the great answers to my questions on LAST week’s roundup on how to make a wedding special. I was out of the house all day Friday and when I got back there were a whole bunch of really thoughtful comments. But by that time it would have taken too long to reply to each one individually, so I didn’t. And then I felt badly because you all had taken the time to write to me! But I hate replying to some comments and not all. It makes me look like I’m playing favourites or something. So I just wanted to say I did appreciate them! I’m sending them to my daughter to read, too.

Okay, now with the blog:

What’s #1 at the Blog This Week:

My post on grief went over so well with so many of you. Thank you for sharing it! That concept meant so much to me when someone shared it with me when I was going through a low point, and I just pray that it helped others going through low points, too.

#1 on the Blog: Grief: You Don’t Just Get Over It

#1 on Pinterest: A 19-year old explains: Why I Didn’t Rebel

#1 on Twitter: Have a sex question you’re afraid to ask? 

#1 on Facebook: Grief: You Don’t Just Get Over It

Big from Search Engines: 50 Bible Verses to Memorize

I’m adding another dimension this week that I thought you all may be interested in–what posts people arrive on from search engines. About 1/3 of my traffic is from search engines, and I think if my readers understood what search terms people use to wind up here, you’d likely understand a lot of my readers/commenters better! Unlike a lot of other marriage blogs, I get search terms from marriages that are really in trouble. So each week I’ll highlight a different post from the top 15. My Bible verse post has always been #1, but you may be surprised to see what some of the rest are!

Are You a Blogger and Want to Be Part of My Upcoming Book Launch?

If you’re a blogger and you’d be interested in participating in my book launch, just leave a comment below and I’ll forward your information along to Waterbrook! I’ve got to start organizing all the book launch stuff for 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage, and it’s kind of tricky to do that while planning a wedding. But once August comes I’ll be full speed ahead.

Happy Canada Day!

So Canada Day was on Wednesday–the day that we Canadians celebrate our great and mighty nation.

I didn’t write much about Canada Day–sorry, it was mostly wedding prep here at my house–but my kids did some pretty funny things that I thought you may appreciate.

Here’s Katie, from her Instagram:

Yes, that is a 4 litre jug of maple syrup. #HappyBirthdayCanada

A photo posted by Katie Gregoire

Grief: You Don’t Just Get Over It

Can you “get over” grief? Can you recover from the loss of a child, the loss of a spouse, or the trauma of an attack so that it no longer bothers you?

There’s been a twitter fight going on recently between Joel Osteen, a motivational speaker who says “yes, you can get over it, God wants you to, and if grief lasts more than a few months you’re wallowing” (okay, I’m paraphrasing), and those who say that some hurts just stay with you. The latter camp believes firmly that Osteen is being insensitive to those who have endured something huge like losing a child, and does not understand the grief process.

Personally, I fall mostly into the second camp, too.

The grief process isn't simple and straightforward; Grief isn't something that you just get over.
Click To Tweet

Yes, it’s true, as Osteen supporters say, that “we don’t grieve in the way the world grieves” (1 Thessalonians 4:13), but that doesn’t mean that we just get over a huge, aching void.

Nineteen years ago I lost my baby boy.

At 9:30 p.m. on September 3 he was looking like he had turned a corner. The crisis post-surgery had passed. So I kissed him on the forehead (the only place I could reach without tubes), and said, “Good night, Christopher. Mommy loves you. I’ll see you in the morning.” And Keith and I walked out of the Intensive Care Unit and walked home.

At 1:30 a.m. the phone rang. We had better come now, the nurse said, because he was crashing.

When we got to the hospital they were still working on my baby. Fifteen minutes later they brought his body out to us. He was swaddled in a blanket, and the only thing we could see was his little face, with his little tongue sticking out a bit.

We held him and cried over him, and then I kissed him on the forehead and I said, “Goodbye, Christopher. Mommy loves you. I’ll see you in heaven.” And I handed him back to the nurse.

Over the next few days it hurt to breathe.

It felt like someone was stepping on my chest. I had to concentrate to force myself to eat, to force myself to pick up Rebecca (our daughter who was 18 months old), to force myself to shower.

But then, I remember about two weeks in, I had a good day. I didn’t cry much at all. And I felt guilty about that. What was wrong with me? How could I be “over” such a loss?

I shouldn’t have worried, because a week later I was a mess again. But slowly but surely those horrible days got fewer and farther between. They still came, but there were good moments, too.

About a month after he died someone shared with me this truth about grief which helped me so much:

You don’t “get over” grief. Something will set you off–a song, the back of a stranger’s head, a movie–and you’ll be thrown back to that ICU room, feeling everything with the same intensity. But those moments will come less frequently, and they won’t last as long. Instead of a whole day of not being able to function you may just have an hour when you sob and journal.

And those times are random. Sometimes they may be at anniversaries, but often it’s when we’re stressed about something else, or when we’re by ourselves just thinking or even enjoying life. And then it will come–what we’re missing. And it will be so, so sad.

The person who told me this also gave me these words:

When you have good days, do not feel guilty for them. The good days do not mean that you have forgotten the person you loved. They just mean that you are still able to enjoy the good things that God has given you. That love is still there, and there will always be times, unbidden, when that love will manifest itself in tears and in aches and even in rages. But those times will be less frequent. Laughter will return. So enjoy life when you can, and give in to the tears when  you must. This world is broken, and God understands our grief. It’s okay to feel it–but don’t feel badly if you feel it less frequently than you once did.

Those words meant so much to me, and now, every time I have a friend who suffers a great loss, like a miscarriage or a death in the immediate family, I share these truths about the grief process with her, too.

In the discussion on Twitter about Osteen I was sent a lovely article by a grieving mom that tells the same story–how she still grieves, but there is also light in her eyes. And that’s okay.

And so I wanted to share that concept of the timing of the grief process with you all today. Joel Osteen proves that even those who are Christians don’t really understand grief. Grief is not unChristlike or self-focused. Jesus Himself grieves. But Jesus also laughs. And one of the most amazing things about this life is how laughter and grief can often co-exist.

Grieving is not ungodly; covering up pain and not speaking Truth, on the other hand, is.

So let’s extend grace to one another when we grieve, and let’s extend grace to ourselves, both when we have a hard time dealing with grief, and when we seem to be able to laugh too early. Neither is a sign that we are far from God; they are both simply signs that we are human. And that, after all, is how God made us.

If you’re walking through grief right now, you’ll appreciate my book How Big Is Your Umbrella: Weathering the Storms of Life. It’s all about the things that we yell at God when life is difficult, and what He whispers back. And it talks about how the reality and promise of heaven can make the grief process easier. The ebook version is really inexpensive, so if you’re having a hard time–I hope this can bless you.

 

Will you do me a favour? Will you share the chart about grief on Pinterest (or on Facebook) so more people “get it”? To make it easy, you can just repin my post here. Thank you!

 

The post Grief: You Don’t Just Get Over It appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

Wifey Wednesday: Hope for Marriage–and Our Society

Sometimes life just seems hard.

I’m not even talking about our individual lives. I mean sometimes you look out at the world and it seems like such a mess. And you wonder if you can even make a difference. If there’s a point to anything.

It’s Wednesday, the day when we always talk marriage. And today I don’t have anything really profound to say, except that I’d like to make a few comments on current events–and then offer what may be a more hopeful perspective. And then I’ll still give you a chance to linkup your own marriage posts below!

In watching Facebook and Twitter explode over the last week I know that many are really devastated by a whole series of Supreme Court decisions. Some make one political stripe really sad and frustrated, and other decisions make the other political stripe sad and frustrated.

I understand.

Especially on the issue of same sex marriage, I know that to many this seems like the final straw–that America has crossed a line and can’t go back. That they have now really chosen not to be a Christian nation.

I can understand the grief, and the sadness, and the despair.

I know that others feel that way about the environmental decisions and about the lethal injection decisions. There’s been a lot of hard stuff lately.

And when  you combine that with the markets tumbling because of Greece, and with ISIS advancing across the Middle East, and with so many Christians being persecuted, the world can look like a hopeless place.

But because this is primarily a marriage blog, I just want to talk to those of you who are really upset by the marriage decision–and then get to some hopeful suggestions for all of us.

I’m Canadian, and so this hasn’t hit me as hard. We went through these fights a decade ago. And  you know what? The sky hasn’t fallen. It’s just that the law of the land now reflects the culture. The problem is the culture, not really the laws. (I know laws can then influence moral opinion, but I think we crossed that line already). And so what we’re doing is mourning the final death of something.

Not to be morbid, but it’s as if someone went missing ten years ago, and they just found the body now. You know your loved one is now dead, but really–they’ve been dead for a decade. It’s just that you now have that finality.

Last week we had that finality hit. And it hit hard. But let’s not fool ourselves–this wasn’t something new. This has been in the works for a long time. And now it’s just out in the open.

We need to stop trying to focus on laws and start trying to focus on hearts. That’s what I was saying in my post a few weeks ago on why Christians are losing the culture war–we forget that our primary battlefield is not in the political arena. It’s in our homes, our workplaces, our communities.

The best way to stand for marriage is to strengthen yours & support the marriages around you.
Click To Tweet

Regardless of your political persuasion, maybe some of these rulings will help us let go of the need to fight so stringently and turn our attention back to the individuals that God has given us to influence.

When we spend so much time worrying about things over which we have no control, it’s easy to get despondent. But when we spend time in the areas that we actually can influence, we feel more purposeful. More powerful. Just plain better.

It reminds me of this graphic I made in my post about how to really make a difference:

I don’t think God wants us mourning political change as much as He wants us excited about what we can do within our spheres of influence. So let’s take some time to grieve, if necessary, but then let’s get back in the trenches and turn our eyes to the people around us who really do need help!

And to do that, I’d like to offer you some “escapes” to bolster your marriage this month.

This year I challenged everyone to read one book a month that can help your marriage as part of our Ultimate Marriage Reading Challenge. In July I want to do something different. Instead of a typical nonfiction marriage book, I want to give some suggestions for beach reads–novels–that will help you think differently about your marriage.

So here we go. I’m going to give you three suggestions, and you can pick from these and read them. Why three? Because not all of us like the same kinds of books. And besides–you may have already read one! So I’m giving you some choice to make it easier.

One thing: I lean more towards books that can challenge how we THINK about marriage–not just romances.

Romance novels aren’t always helpful. Sometimes they’re wonderful escapes, but they can also make us very dissatisfied. And I get a little bit worried that in the Christian world we’re romanticizing the Amish lifestyle. I’ve seen Amish societies up close and personal, and my husband has done medical rounds there. Depression is rampant, and the women are often “old” by their midtwenties. There’s lots of problems there, too.

I also don’t like the fact that the majority of Christian romances focus on a young girl who is about 21 or 22, and end with her getting married. What about books about REAL LIFE? It’s kind of depressing that publishers can’t seem to publish decent books about real marriage issues.

So  here are three suggestions, that are all VERY different, that can help you this summer.

A Time to Dance by Karen Kingsbury

I don’t love all of Karen Kingsbury’s novels–but I did love this one. It focuses on a couple in mid-life who have been married a little over two decades, and who are just plain done. Everyone thinks they have the perfect marriage, but they’ve been drifting apart for years. The love has gone. The passion evaporated eons ago. And now it’s time to call it quits.

But just as they’re going to announce their divorce their daughter announces her engagement. Not wanting to wreck things for her they decide to stick it out until after the wedding. And as they do, they both start examining what marriage means and how to rebuild a love that has gone. It’s actually very powerful, and very real.

Who should read this: If you like simple fiction that’s based in reality (ie. not historical or “other culture”, etc.)

Get A Time to Dance here.

Mark of the Lion series by Francine Rivers

Likely my favourite Christian novel series of all time. Francine Rivers writes a trilogy of life for new Christians during Roman times, when persecution of Christians has picked up. You’ve got gladiators and barbarians and centurions and war. But you’ve also got this godly, lovely Jewish slave girl who is trying to live out her new found faith in Christ in the worst circumstances.

Each book focuses on a different relationship, but what I found reading the series is that Hadassah’s (the slave’s) goodness haunted me and stayed with me.

Some have criticized Rivers because she puts too much sensuality in her books (not erotica; sensuality). I think that’s silly. If you’re an adult and you’re married, it’s okay to read about how a woman is tempted by what a man looks like, or how she has to fight against that, or how she’s excited for her wedding night. It really is okay. And I’d actually rather see books do that MORE rather than less, so that they can start reflecting reality again.

Who should read this: Anyone who loves historical fiction–and anyone who wants to be really challenged in their faith.

Get the Mark of the Lion series here.

Redeeming Love by Francine Rivers

Okay, I asked on Facebook yesterday for recommendations for novels that will boost your marriage, and this was the #1 book mentioned. I have read Redeeming Love–it’s the story of the book of Hosea lived out in the American West as it was being settled in the last century. A man is called to marry a prostitute–and he does. But she’s not ready for that kind of unconditional love, and she doesn’t know what to do with it.

This wasn’t my favourite book, and I do think that the book teaches you more about God than it does about marriage. But like I said, it was the most popular book mentioned by YOU, my readers. So I know that it will touch many of you, and I know that my down-to-earth taste in books is not everyone’s.

Who should read this: Those who love a sweeping tragic story with a happy ending.

Get Redeeming Love here.

I hope you have a wonderful time reading this summer! And I hope your marriages are strengthened so that you go and help other people with their marriages–regardless of what is going on in Washington or in the rest of the world.

Now it’s your turn! Do you have something to share with us about marriage today? Leave the URL to your marriage post in the linky below. And be sure to link back here so other people can read these great marriage posts.

Marriage isn't supposed to be blah!


Sex is supposed to be stupendous--physically, emotionally, AND spiritually.

If it's not, get The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex--and find out what you've been missing.

The post Wifey Wednesday: Hope for Marriage–and Our Society appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

What Not to Say to Someone Who Has Had a Miscarriage

Today’s guest post is from Sarah Philpott from All American Mom. She’s telling us what NOT to say when someone has a miscarriage–based on some of the insensitive things she was told. Unfortunately, I think far too many of you will identify.




Support provided by loved ones is one of the ways that people are helped through any grief process.

When a family member dies, society rallies around the griever. Refrigerators are full of casseroles, mailboxes are full of cards, and shoulders are loaned to cry upon.

But the grieving process of a woman losing her unborn child is often lonely. This loneliness might be by choice- she might choose not to tell people. But sometimes the loneliness is because society as a whole tends to minimize miscarriage. “Maybe next time” or “It just wasn’t meant to be” are very common phrases uttered. Unfortunately these comments are often quite hurtful to the woman who has just lost her baby.

Stop and read the end of that sentence again, “lost her baby.”

You see, this is not an abstract concept or a dream- we are mourning the loss of a baby: a loved baby.

We found out we were pregnant with our baby (we might have been nervous, scared or excited), we used our bodies to nurture our baby (we read books, blogs, envisioned rocking our baby, stopped drinking coffee, stopped eating deli meat, started planning our nursery), and then we lost our baby. The physicality of this is quite intense; the emotional toil is real. It might not have been “real” to onlookers, but we know that our bodies were nurturing a human life and even though we shouldn’t- many of us feel misguided guilt that we couldn’t bring the baby to term.

It hurts. Our thoughts are invaded by untruths. And even though we find comfort that our babies are in heaven with God, it still hurts. At the crux- all we ask is that you don’t minimize our loss and that you don’t offer comments that make us feel any further guilt. Pregnancy loss shouldn’t be minimized or brushed aside as not being worthy of grief. The loss of a baby is a grievous situation.

No one intends to be insensitive. I know you wish to bring comfort. I’m truly touched that you are reading this; it means you want to be helpful. Your heart is in the right place. I just want to help you with your words.

Grief and death are tricky topics for anyone to address. My hands get sweaty when I walk into a funeral home. I don’t know quite what to say. We’ve all been there- in that uncomfortable space where “I’m sorry” just doesn’t seem quite enough. Although I had a legion of support after my two miscarriages, my feelings were hurt numerous times by well-intentioned people. All of this is compounded by the hormones a female experiences after a miscarriage. There is a marked increase in risk for depression and anxiety after a pregnancy loss (Lok, I.H & Neugebauer, R. 2007). It’s not something we can control- it’s a common psychological consequence of miscarriage.

After having my feelings bruised numerous times, I finally accepted that we can never understand someone’s unique life experience; therefore, we can’t expect someone to understand the physical pain and emotional toil of a miscarriage if they have not had that experience. I also kept repeating the verse from Romans 3:10, “There is no one righteous; not even one.” To me, this means that there are no perfect people in the world. People make mistakes and I can’t hold a grudge for a person’s offhand remarks. God is the ONLY one I can count on for comfort.

I did decide that I could help educate people on miscarriage- this includes raising awareness of phrases that evoke more harm than healing.

Here are some commonly said comments you will want to avoid if you desire offering support to a grieving mama.

As you read these, please know that these are compiled by a large group of women. These are comments we all heard numerous times. I’ve also included the voices of some of the women.  Above all, please know- we appreciate that you want to offer us support. Thank you.

Please don’t tell me:

It happened for a reason.
Something was probably wrong with the baby.
Go and have a drink to take the edge off.
It was God’s will.

I feel too often in the Christian community that people want to brush over miscarriage like it’s no big deal saying things like “You’ll have another baby” or “This was the Lord’s plan for your life” without really considering what the mama is going through.

“Just Adopt”

We know we can adopt. We might one day, but I’m grieving the loss of a specific baby. One that I just lost.

“At Least You Have Another Child”

I’m so grateful for my other child, but that doesn’t mean I’m not sad over the loss of this baby.

“You Can Always Have Another Baby”

I had to have a hysterectomy. I can’t have another baby.

It hurt when people reacted like I’d lost a puppy. And followed it up by saying I could have another. I wanted the one I lost. I feel like people that haven’t experienced the loss unknowingly trivialize it to a degree because we never physically meet our babies. It made me mad, and still does, but I try to remind myself that I can’t blame people for their reactions if they have never experienced the loss.

People would say, “oh, you’ll have more kids one day.” Realistically I knew that I might not be medically able to have more children. I wanted to accept that fact and learn to be okay with it. I didn’t like false hope or people treating it like I had lost a puppy dog, ‘oh, you can get a new puppy again,’ is what it felt like. The doctor told me it would be extremely difficult for me to carry a baby to term.

“At Least It Happened Early”

Because losing a baby is somehow easier or less painful that way?

“Have you found out what’s wrong with you?”

“Did you exercise too much?”

“It was probably that insecticide you sprayed around your house.” (INSERT ANY AND ALL “BLAME COMMENTS”)

This person responded by basically indicating that I should probably ‘get checked out’ because something might be ‘wrong with me.’ It just really bothered me. I know there were good intentions somewhere behind what she said, but all it did was to bring back that flood of guilt that I had been trying so desperately to let go of.

“Well, you shouldn’t have announced your pregnancy so early.   You knew this could have happened.”

“So, when are you going to try again?”

All of those comments were just so incredibly insensitive.

Here is a picture of me cradling our second baby.

It was the day I found out I was pregnant. This was the first baby I lost. I’m not showing you this for you to feel sorry for me. I’m really not. I promise- I am okay now. I hesitated even posting this picture because I know it will make you uncomfortable. I am showing it to you for you to see the excitement in my eyes so that you realize that I was carrying a baby in my womb. I had hopes, dreams and fears.

Please be kind and thoughtful with your words- don’t minimize our losses and please be careful not to utter any phrases that could lead us to believe that you are blaming us for our loss.

Pray, offer a hug, tell us you are sorry. Give us time, permission, and space to grieve. Really- those simple tokens of love are the most helpful.

Sarah Lewis Philpott recently earned her Ph.D, but instead of climbing the ivory tower she happily spends her days being a farmer’s wife to her high school sweetheart and being a mom to young two mischievous children. She blogs at All American Mom.

Represented by the Blythe Daniel Agency, Sarah is working on a book that looks at the sensitive topic of pregnancy loss and also about cherishing the life that was conceived. She runs a Loved Baby Pregnancy Loss Support Group on Facebook that is open for anyone to join.

The post What Not to Say to Someone Who Has Had a Miscarriage appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

Making the Summer Count!

To me this is the official first day of summer.

I know many of you in the U.S. have had kids out for summer vacation for over a month now, but here in Canada school often doesn’t end until the last week in June. And even though I’ve never had kids in public school (we homeschooled), I still think of summer as being July and August.

And so I woke up today, stretched, and sighed. In a lovely way. Because it’s time to relax!

I know I often do Reader Questions on Monday and Top 10 Tuesdays, etc., but I hope you’ll forgive me if, over the next eight weeks, I’m a little more flexible. I’m on summer time!

So let me share a few summer things with you that I’m excited about!

Nine Thoughts That Will Change Your Marriage is Almost Here!

So my new book, 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage, will be released on August 18. If you’re tired of hearing “pat” Christian answers for marriage problems, you’ll really like this book! I look at how a lot of the pat answers we hear aren’t really biblical–or at least they don’t tell the whole story. And believing them can actually undermine our marriage!

Here are just a few:

If your marriage is in trouble, “just do it!” (have sex a lot)
Wives who consistently submit to what their husbands want and let him lead will find their marriages blessed.
God is close to the brokenhearted, so if you’re sad in your marriage, God understands and is close to you, fighting for you.
We’re to live at peace with one another, so avoid conflict! Conflict is a sign of a bad marriage

If you’re wondering what’s wrong with those, then you need the book!

I’m really happy with the way it turned out, and I would be so grateful if you all ordered it, too. And just a heads up–if you want to do me a favour, it helps so much if you pre-order it. You won’t be charged until August 18, and your book will ship on that date (or the Kindle version will download then!) But if you order it now, then when it does release, it will go to the top of the Amazon bestsellers. And Christian retailers often decide what books to stock based on Amazon ranking.

So the more books sell on that one day, the higher my ranking will be for a while. That’s just the way it works. But I know you’ll like the book, too! So much of this blog went into it (and a lot of comments from the blog made it into the book), so you’ll likely recognize some of the discussions.

So how am I making the summer count with this book?

Well, I’m emptying my older daughter’s room completely out (she’s getting married July 18 and hasn’t lived at home for two years) and I’m setting it up as a YouTube studio! And I’m going to film 9 videos to release, one day at a time, before August 18 looking at the different pat answers. And then I’ll have the studio all set to go so that I can start doing more videos in the upcoming year. I’m jealous of my younger daughter being better at YouTube than I am. (Have you seen Katie’s videos?)

The Ultimate Digital Photography Bundle is Gone Tonight at Midnight

I shared last week about the Ultimate Digital Photography Bundle–an amazing bundle of ebooks, ecourses, and bonuses that can help you hone your photography skills, whether with an iPhone or a DSLR.

That bundle is up tonight at midnight EST, and if you haven’t gotten it yet, I don’t want you to miss out and be disappointed. So I want to share two quick resources with you today–one from the Beginner version and one from the Intermediate version.

First, if you’ve wanted to capture better pictures of your kids, but you’ve never known how, The Unexpected Everyday is an awesome book!

It tells you about composition–what should go into a photo and where you should place the focal point. It tells you about perspective and angle–like how a picture will look different if you take it from the floor or above your subject. It tells you about speed and light, so that you can get that “blurry” effect and form a neat focal point just by what’s in focus, like these two:

And it shows you how to catch cool outdoor elements by placing the focal point in the right point of the picture:

This is the level I’m at, and it’s so much fun to work through the book! I treat each part as a tutorial, where I have to go and recreate the picture. And I’m actually learning a lot (I knew about the “rule of threes” when it came to writing; I didn’t know about the “rule of thirds” with pictures).

This book alone is normally $19, but the ENTIRE beginner Photographer’s Bundle is only $37–and you get dozens more resources, including ecourses on how to use your particular camera, a 12 part basic photography ecourse worth $197, a free photographer’s course on Craftsy worth $70, and more!

Find out more about the Beginner Bundle, or

Now here’s something from the Intermediate edition that has me drooling. When you buy one of the bigger bundles (intermediate, professional), you get ALL the books from the smaller bundles plus your own. The intermediate edition focuses heavily on learning how to use Lightroom to edit your photos and how to take more “artsy” photos, like the Black and White Photography Ecourse.

But one book I just love is called Golden Hours, on how to take amazing photos at sunrise or sunset.

It doesn’t just talk about how to use light well; it also talks about an internet app you can get that looks at the topography of your region, and then shows you exactly where to go to capture the best sunrise or sunset pictures. That’s amazing!

Then he talks about the nitty gritty of how to capture the light in the sky and the “mood” of a photo, so you can get pictures like this:

This book is normally $19, but for $67 you get the entire intermediate bundle PLUS the entire Beginner bundle–almost $1200 in phogotography training.

Find out more about the intermediate bundle, or

Remember, as of Midnight tonight this bundle is GONE–so if you’re interested, take a look now. Learning photography is such a great summer project, and one I’m hoping to get better at!

I Need to Know–What Did You Love BEST About Your Wedding?

So we’re in the final stretch of wedding preparations! We’ve got almost everything figured out. I’m just working on the minute-by-minute schedule of the day for everyone (we have to figure out who is getting where and in what car, since most people won’t have vehicles), and I need to print out the bulletins. My husband is working on a slide show, and Katie is working on her MC speech.

But I want to make sure we don’t miss something really FUN that we could do. So I want to know: was there a particular part of your wedding day that worked really well? A particular photo you took? Some special element of the ceremony? Something about the dance? The way the guests got you to kiss? If there was something special you did, can you leave it in the comments? I would so appreciate it!

I’m Knitting!

Finally, my big summer project is to finish a summer bedspread for our bed made out of scraps of sock weight  yarn. I’ve collected so much over the last 15 years, and I’m putting it all together into a blanket. I’ve been working on it like crazy for the last few weeks (I started it about 4 years ago ), but I think I may just finish it!

What do you think?

Have a relaxing summer, everyone! I’ll still be around and I have a month of posts ready to go–but I may not be as active in the comments as I travel and get ready for the wedding. Isn’t summer grand?

The post Making the Summer Count! appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.