Sheila Wray Gregoire's Blog, page 176
September 9, 2015
On the War Room: On Prayer and Fighting the Marriage Battle
On Monday night I watched a streaming version of the War Room so I could tell you about it today for Wifey Wednesday.
The War Room is all about prayer–how a wife who starts to pray can bring such changes to her marriage.
I’ve been on a journey of prayer over the last year–praying more for my family and others than I have in a long time. It really has transformed my life in very fundamental ways. I’m learning more to recognize God’s voice. I love times of silence.
And I was so inspired by the movie. Just a quick synopsis (no spoilers, don’t worry!) and a few quick snapshots of what I liked:
Synopsis of the War Room:
Elizabeth, a real estate agent, is married to Tony, a workaholic, lying husband who is verging on an affair. They fight like cats and dogs. Their daughter feels alienated. Her life is falling apart.
In the course of her work, Elizabeth meets Clara, and older woman who senses the fight in Elizabeth. “If you’re fighting against your husband,” says Clara, “you’re fighting against your marriage.” So true!
And so Clara shows Elizabeth her “favourite room in the house”–her War Room, where she does all her fighting. It’s a closet in her bedroom set up with a chair and papered with prayer requests and answers.
Elizabeth starts praying, and God starts moving.
Now for the Snapshots of the War Room:
Clara asks what Elizabeth and Tony do well in their marriage. “Fighting’s about all we do,” says Elizabeth. Clara replies,
“Just because you argue a lot doesn’t mean that you fight well. But I bet that you never feel like you’ve won after you’ve had an argument.”
Ever been there?
Or this one:
Clara wants to start teaching Elizabeth about prayer, and then Elizabeth starts complaining about everything her husband does wrong. Clara says, “are you just going to complain, or are we going to get to work?” Complaining doesn’t fix anything. That is so true–and I’m going to expand on that in another post coming up.
The whole point is that Clara is teaching Elizabeth how to fight–how to go to battle in prayer for her marriage. And if more of us did that, our marriages would be turned around! Such a great message to hear.
And the end of the movie, when Clara tells Elizabeth that it’s time to pass the lesson she’s learned on. Our lives should be about mentoring others. Again, I’d like to write a longer post about just that rather than comment too long on it here.
My Main Reaction to The War Room:
If everyone saw this we would have an outbreak of prayer! And that is so needed. Until we start engaging the battle properly and learning to take things to God, we’re not going to get very far in this life even if our intentions are good. I really do encourage everyone to see the movie!
A Few Other Thoughts About The War Room:
That being said, I did have two reservations about the movie. Neither should discourage anyone from seeing it; it’s just things that I thought that I’d like to discuss.
The first is this: we seem to be addicted to a rather simplistic view of the Christian life, where learning to pray and coming to God makes your life better.
It’s the same problem I see in Christian romance novels where once people come to Christ/find the right guy, everything is better in their lives.
In truth, I have never known that to happen to anyone in real life. I have known people to pray and to see one area of their life fixed, but not everything all at once. And quite often the answer we get about prayer is just this: wait. Again, I’ll write more on this later, but prayer makes no sense without also having the idea of waiting.
Remember, after David confessed about Bathsheba and came back to God, his son still died. David was restored, but he still faced consequences. His life was not peachy keen. I’m not so sure why we need our stories to all have happy, storybook endings when that isn’t real life. Can we not also rejoice in a real life story, even if the ending doesn’t tie everything up perfectly?
Corrie ten Boom was a master of prayer and a wonderful woman of humility, but her sister still died in a concentration camp. All over the world today are people who are crying out to God and praying without ceasing, but they are still refugees in dire straits. Prayer is not just about God doing amazing things to rescue us in the here and now in the way we want; prayer is also about God working on our hearts, and perhaps if we weren’t so addicted to happy endings we’d have a more realistic view of what the Christian life is like.
My second reservation relates more to the purpose of this blog, and it comes back to the “duck” philosophy that is talked about in the movie: “You had better duck, honey, so that God can hit your husband.”
In other words, God wants to hit your husband on the head with a 2×4 to get his attention and smarten him up, but if you get in the way and start trying to do some of the work yourself, you’ll get hit by it instead. So duck so that God can get your husband! All you really need to do is pray–nothing else.
Here’s the issue:
Prayer is THE battle. But it is also FORTIFICATION for the battle.
Click To Tweet
We have three battlegrounds: our own hearts; the spiritual realm (against spiritual forces, and where God works on the spirit of others); and the physical world where we interact ourselves.
Prayer engages the battle in the spiritual realm. And it prepares our hearts to participate in that spiritual battle. But it also prepares us to engage in the physical world.
My problem with the “duck” philosophy, which I speak out quite vehemently against in my book, 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage, is that it gives the impression that the spiritual realm is the only battle. It is not. God does not just want us praying, “your kingdom come.” He also wants us to actively be a part of bringing His kingdom to the world.
In 1 Chronicles 14 David has to go up and fight the Philistines twice. Both times he inquires of the Lord (he fortifies for battle!) about what he should do. The first time God tells him, “go up and fight, and I will deliver them.” The prayer is fortification for what David actually has to do in the physical world–and as David steps out and does that, God fights in the spiritual realm at the same time.
The second instance is different: God tells David not to go and fight, but instead to walk around behind the Philistines and watch what God will do. After God works, then David can advance.
The “duck” philosophy is that it treats every instance like #2, when frequently (and, I would argue, usually) God wants us to act like #1–we have to go out and do something.
Ironically, I’m in a #2 place in my personal life with something right now. Last year God was telling me to go out and fight, and I did. And now God is telling me to wait and watch what He will do. So I am not saying that every instance is a #1. I’m just saying they’re not all #2s either. Sometimes we have to ACT.
But we cannot act unless we first fight that battle in prayer–that battle that gets our own hearts right, and that battle that prepares the spiritual ground.
I see it as a three part battle:
We do battle to get our hearts right.
We bang on the gates of heaven on behalf of our husband’s heart and soul
We ask God for direction on what steps we should take to bring His will and His kingdom into our marriage.
There’s not a lot of good teaching on #3. There’s a lot on #2, and a little bit on #1. But #3 is almost completely lacking.
Nevertheless, in Scripture we’re told to do more than pray. We’re to rescue the wandering believer (James 5:19-20). We’re to confront someone in sin (Matthew 18:15-20). We’re to make peace (Romans 12:18). If all we’re to do is to pray, then James would have written: if you see a believer wandering, pray for him–and left it at that. But he didn’t!
Here’s something even more startling: there are times when we AREN’T supposed to pray until things are right in the physical world. If you go to offer your gift at the altar, or if you go to take communion, and you remember that you have caused offense to someone, you go and make that right first. Sometimes not acting in the physical realm prevents our prayers from being answered.
So let’s make sure that we understand all THREE battlegrounds: our hearts; the spiritual realm; and the physical realm where we interact.
That’s what the focus of 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage is. Thoughts 1-4 are all about getting our hearts right–because we can’t do anything until we’re acting out of humility and a genuine desire to see our marriage grow, not to get our own way. And a huge part of that is also battling in prayer in the spiritual realm!
But then we get into how to act in a godly way in our marriages. Thoughts 5-7 are all about resolving conflict, or how to address the big things in our marriages. But that’s not the only thing God may ask us to do to bridge the gap or bring His kingdom into our marriages. There are also two other things: learning to make love and value sex within our marriages; and countering the inevitable drift we have in marriage and learning to be friends again.
Those are all action steps that flow out of an active prayer life. Those are all part of the battle, too. Great sex is part of defeating the enemy! Forging a great friendship is part of defeating the enemy. Dealing with festering issues and holding other believers accountable (including our husbands) is part of the battle. We pray, and we act.
People can make two kinds of mistakes: the most frequent is to act without prayer. We forge ahead, trying to fix our husbands and trying to force change when we’re bitter and angry, and it often backfires. Until we can forge ahead with the goal of bringing God into the situation, rather than our own justification, we will make things worse, because the only way to peace is through Jesus.
But the other mistake we can make is to failure to act at all–to make it seem like only God is to do the heavy lifting, when sometimes the greatest act of faith is to step outside of our comfort zone.
I loved the call to prayer at the end of The War Room. I’m already realizing that I need more visible reminders of what I’m praying and of promises or answers I’ve received, and I’m starting to build that in. It was an inspiring movie, and I do urge everyone to see it. It will help you battle in Realms #1 and #2–our hearts and the spiritual realm! And it is a great message to get you to do that.
So see the movie, and then start praying in those realms. Get your heart right! Pray for spiritual breakthroughs. Absolutely!
But after all that, just don’t forget that there’s a third realm where God may ask you to act. And in your prayer life, ask Him what those actions should be.
Did you see The War Room? What did you think? Have you ever heard the “Duck Philosophy”? Let me know in the comments!
Now it’s your turn! If you’re a marriage blogger, link up your own marriage post in the linky below! Just leave the URL here, and then be sure to link back to this post so other people can read these great marriage thoughts!
The post On the War Room: On Prayer and Fighting the Marriage Battle appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.
September 8, 2015
September Ultimate Marriage Reading Challenge: New Attitudes
It’s time to cultivate new attitudes in our marriage!
And so I hope you’ll join me as we continue the Ultimate Marriage Reading Challenge of 2015! Every month I introduce a new marriage topic, and then suggest 2-4 books that can help you in that area. And I’ll review at least one of them in detail on the blog.
I’m so sorry that I skipped August. I was supposed to do another novel post–but it was such a busy month for me with the book launch and the family wedding, and time just got away from me.
But today is a day that seems like it’s a new beginning. Up here where I live the kids start school today (I know many of you have been back at school for several weeks, but here we’re just beginning!) Summer seems like it’s officially over. We have a new year stretching out. And so it’s a great month to think about new beginnings–about new ways that we can think about our marriage and see that marriage thrive.
And no matter where you are in your marriage today–you CAN have a new beginning! And I’m so excited by what God is going to do in marriages this month. I can feel it.
I watched the movie War Room last night. They had a screening for media in Canada in several large cities last week, but I don’t live in a large city. So Sony Pictures gave me a code, and I watched it while I was doing my ironing. Not very glamorous, I know, but the ironing had to get done!
I enjoyed it more than I thought I would–I had a few reservations going in. I still have them (I think that we sometimes give a simplistic view of Christianity in media, and most times big battles in the spiritual world are fought over years and decades, not days), but the movie is just SO motivating. I don’t have a prayer closet because I do most of my prayers while I walk. But I am in the midst of creating prayer “walls” in Evernote for several people I really battle in prayer for, and that’s awfully fun! To be part of the battle is actually exhilarating.
And in that movie, one of the main things that Elizabeth, the main character, had to change was her own attitudes towards her husband. Her resentment and bitterness were poisoning her marriage–even though her husband Tony was very much in the wrong in several areas. But God couldn’t do the work until she dealt with her own heart.
That’s the message of my new book 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage: deal with your own heart first.
I am not saying that we don’t address his issues. I am only saying that you can’t address his stuff until until you’re able to humble yourself and start thinking right about your marriage and about your husband. Like Mrs. Clara, the older mentor, said in the movie, when you’re at war with your husband you’re fighting against your own marriage. It’s a losing battle on every side.
Getting our own hearts right is the way to grow a good marriage–but it’s also the way to start the hard process of restoring a broken marriage.
I know that doesn’t sound fun. Every day I wake up to comments on this blog by people who seem to want a magic pill, a magic thing they can do to change their husbands. There isn’t a pill. There isn’t any magic. And there isn’t even a formula.
But that doesn’t mean things can’t change. And do you know how COOL it is to be in the midst of a marriage that is getting turned around? And so I’d like to recommend three books this month that all help you deal with your attitude:
Here they are:
9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage by Sheila Gregoire
Yep. It’s my book. Because that’s what the first four thoughts are all about: addressing our own attitudes! I know many of you have bought the book (thank you so much!). Now I want to challenge you to actually READ it. Throughout this month I’ll be linking to posts that go with each thought. If it’s sitting on your bedside table, pick it up and try one thought a night–or even one every other night. Start the change today!
Who should read this book: Anyone who is married! If you like this blog, all my main philosophies about marriage are summed up in this book. And if you actually start BELIEVING what God says about marriage–you’ll be on a wild ride for sure!
I recommend 9 Thoughts as the main go-to book this month. But I know many of you have already read it, and so I’m also giving you these two options. I’ll be talking about the Argument Free Marriage in its own post, too.
The Argument Free Marriage by Fawn Weaver
What if you didn’t have to fight in your marriage anymore? What if you two could actually be on the same page–and resolve issues without fighting, without nastiness, without regret? Fawn Weaver says it’s totally possible when you start changing the way you think. It’s a book that will change your whole outlook on what you want in marriage!
Who should read this book: If you’re choosing one of the two alternates, this is the book for those in the best place in their marriage. If it’s good, but you feel stalled and stuck, this book can take you to the next level up, and help you truly feel like you’re a team, ready to take on the world!
The Power of a Praying Wife by Stormie Omartian
If you were turned on fire by the War Room movie, then here’s your alternate for September! The main message of the first bit of the book is to address your own heart, because only then can our prayers come from a place of power.
Who should read this book: Those women who want to start a consistent prayer life with their husbands, and who know they need to learn more about how to pray. Especially for those in difficult marriages.
How We’ll Develop New Marriage Habits This Month
I hope you’ll read along with me! I’m going to be focusing primarily on 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage, and I’ll be posting on Facebook links to posts that talk about each of the 9 Thoughts. Pretty much everything this month will weave into it! So join us.
But I’m so excited right now. More jazzed than I’ve been in a long time. Maybe it’s because of War Room, maybe it’s because it’s a new beginning with school starting, or maybe it’s because I can just sense from the frustration of so many commenters that people need this. We need the hope for real change. And I want to show you how God wants to do amazing things in your marriage this month!
How to join us for our September Reading Challenge:
Buy one of the books to read.
Join the Facebook Page so you can track new habits with us.
Leave a comment with any question you’d like to ask about new attitudes in marriage–and I’ll try to deal with them!
Pin this post, share it on Facebook, or tweet about it so more people can be encouraged to read–and change their marriages for the better!
Will you be part of our reading challenge this month to develop new attitudes for REAL change?
Want to learn more about 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage? Some awesome bloggers have reviewed it for me, and I want to point you to just a few!
Darby Dugger at For the Love of Our Husbands said, “There have been very few books that I have read where I immediately wanted to purchase a copy for everyone I know, but this is one of those books! I needed to hear the message, but I also thought of so many of my friends who need this message as well.” She’s running a giveaway for two more days–you can enter here.
Tiffany Godfrey at Committed Wife said that what really stood out to her was exactly the parts of the book I want to talk about this month–changing the way we think about marriage so that we can find that happiness again. Read her review here.
Liz Millay at Simple Life Messy Life loved my thoughts on how to resolve conflict (including my geeky reference to Lord of the Rings!) Read her take here.
I love how each of these women picked up on a different aspect of it. That’s so cool. And I hope that as you read it, God will give you ONE specific thought that you can incorporate right now that will make a huge difference. We’re all at different places, and I find when I read a book that I often just take one thought–and that turns me right around.
Are you excited? I am! And I’m excited to write my post about War Room, too! So stay tuned–I really think God’s going to do amazing things in marriages this month.
Marriage isn't supposed to be blah!
Sex is supposed to be stupendous--physically, emotionally, AND spiritually.
If it's not, get The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex--and find out what you've been missing.
The post September Ultimate Marriage Reading Challenge: New Attitudes appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.
September 4, 2015
Sometimes Getting Out of Bed is Success
It’s time for my Friday Round-Up, when I give you a little sneak peek into my life, share with you the top posts from the week, and give you a heads up of what’s coming next.
And we’ve got some winners to announce, too!
But first: seriously, this has been a strange week. We dropped my youngest off at university. All 3 other members of my family have been sick (and when we met up with Rebecca she was already sick, so it’s not like she got it from us). I’ve managed to hold off, but I’m not feeling the best either.
And today’s a sad anniversary for me.
So today I’m going to declare getting out of bed success! Sometimes these little small things are worth celebrating.
What’s #1 at To Love, Honor and Vacuum?
#1 NEW Post on the Blog: 20 Even-You-Can-Do-It Ideas To Initiate Sex Tonight
#1 on the Blog Overall: Two Player Games to Play with Your Husband
#1 on Facebook: Making It Home: When Sex Isn’t Easy and Playful
#1 on Pinterest: Why Do Teenagers Rebel
Just a note about the 20-you-can-do-it ideas to initiate sex post. Most of the comments there were from women who were upset–because their husbands don’t want sex, and it doesn’t matter how many times they initiate.
I’m so sorry, and I really do know how much that hurts. I’ve written a few series of posts about it (here’s a 4-part series on why husbands don’t want sex).
The problem is that with any marriage issue there are people going through the exact opposite thing: some women resent their workaholic husbands; some women just want their husbands to get off the couch and get a job. Some women desperately want more children; some women are scared of getting pregnant.
I do try to write as specific posts as possible that apply to certain marriage issues, but I know that with every post, there will be a large group who will be seeing things a different way.
When I write a post for a group that you’re not in, it’s not because I don’t recognize that you have an issue. It really isn’t. It’s not that I think every marriage is like that. It’s just that I’m trying to help THESE women today. And so I’m not trying to insult you; really. Whenever I write a post like that I always put a disclaimer on the top, but this was a guest post so I didn’t put one in there. I’ll try to remember from now on. But please realize that I’ve got over 2000 posts on this blog. I do want to help, but I can’t write a helpful post that applies to every situation. I already write way too long as it is!
I’ve got another mini-series planned in the future for women who are married to passive guys and for getting over porn, and both of those issues are often the reason men have low sex drives. So I hope those can help.
But for now–even if you’re not going through something, just remember that there are a lot of women who are. And if you ever leave a comment like, “Hey, Sheila, my situation is different. Do you have any posts on that?”, I’ll put a link in the comments to the other side, too!
Who Won That Contest?
We finally have winners to announce for my contest with 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage!
First Prize: Kim U from Kingman, AB.
I’ll come and speak at your church–for no fee–sometime before December 31, 2016! I’ll give my Girl Talk–straight talk about sex and intimacy. Plus you’ll also receive a gift pack of four of my other books: The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex; 31 Days to Great Sex; How Big Is Your Umbrella; and To Love, Honor and Vacuum.
Second Prize: Kristen W from Chatsworth, GA
I’ll come and take you and a friend out to dinner–sometime before December 31, 2016! Plus you’ll also receive a gift pack of four of my other books: The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex; 31 Days to Great Sex; How Big Is Your Umbrella; and To Love, Honor and Vacuum.
Third Prize: Faith C. of Scarborough, ON
A gift pack of 5 of Waterbrook’s most popular books: Bad Girls of the Bible by Liz Curtis Higgs; For Women Only by Shaunti Felhahn; How We Love by Milan and Kay Yerkovich; Redeeming Love by Francine Rivers; and Having a Mary Heart in a Martha World by Joanna Weaver.
Fourth Prize: Trinet S. from Williamsburg, MI
5 Waterbrook Multnomah New Releases: Hiding in the Light by Rifqa Bary (WHAT a story!); Through a Man’s Eyes by Shaunti Feldhahn; It’s Good to be Queen by Liz Curtis Higgs; I’m Happy for You by Kay Wills Wyma; and Let’s Pretend We’re Normal by Tricia Lot Williford.
Fifth Prize: Laura H. from Gladewater, TX
A gift pack of my four other big books: The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex; 31 Days to Great Sex; How Big Is Your Umbrella; and To Love, Honor and Vacuum.
Congratulations, and thanks for entering everyone!
Disappointed you didn’t win? I’ll be doing a flash giveaway on Facebook starting tonight! So come on over and enter.
22,000 People Received My Marriage Newsletter This Week: The 5 Most Controversial Posts This Year
Did you get it?
If not, you can sign up! I send out my marriage newsletter every month, but when you sign up you get a few “extras” for the first few weeks about how to enhance emotional intimacy, spiritual intimacy, physical intimacy (woo hoo!), and how to deal with libido differences.
Check out this month’s newsletter! There’s a link to subscribe on the top left. Or just subscribe here.
So Katie Has Officially Moved Out
I wasn’t actually as emotional as I thought I would be. I was a complete and total mess with Rebecca. Cried all the way home. When we left she was bawling, and we were all bawling, and it was pathetic.
With Katie it was just more melancholy.
But I think it’s because we just weren’t prepared for Rebecca. I wasn’t expecting it to hit me that hard.
With Katie I knew it would be awful, and so I’ve been going through this separation/goodbye thing all summer. So when the time came it was almost a letdown. I’d been bracing for it, and now it’s here, and it’s just kinda empty.
Sigh.
Keith and I are so looking forward to hitting the RV next week–we’re heading to MOMCon in Indianapolis, speaking along the way, and then driving through the Dakotas up to Winnipeg. It’s great having a husband I want to travel with!
But I miss my girls.
Are You Going to MOMCon?
Hey, all MOPS leaders and attendees! I’ll be at MOMCon next weekend, and I’m looking to hire 3 people for about 4 hours. I just need some help manning (womanning?) a table. Leave a comment if you’ll be there! I’d love to USE you.
Sometimes Doubt is a Good Thing
So I finished Mark Buchanan’s Your God Is Too Safe this week. I shared a quote last week about his take on “holy habits”. I thought I’d share this week about doubt, because what he said really spoke to me.
We often think that doubt is a bad thing. But here’s his take: if you really believe in a God who is HUGE, who can do amazing things, and whom we have to follow by faith and not by sight–then how could you NOT doubt at times? The only way not to doubt is to believe in a God who isn’t very amazing.
He says:
Sometimes doubting is not a lack of faith, but an expression of it. Sometimes to doubt is to merely insist that God be taken seriously not frivolously, to insist that our faith is placed in and upheld by something other than seeming conjuring tricks…
For the place God calls us into isn’t doubt free—how can any place where we walk by faith and not by sight be that? No, the holy wild is where we have driving and haunting doubts, God-hungry doubts that pull us to our knees, force us to the Word, make us wrestle all night and not let go until He blesses us. The holy wild throngs with true skeptics…
The depth of our doubt is roughly proportional to the depth of our faith.
I liked that. I’ve been mulling over that this week. I hope it can be a comfort to you.
I shared briefly a while ago that my husband went through a few years of serious doubts about his faith. He emerged stronger. But those doubts were necessary for him to wrestle through his relationship with God.
So don’t think that doubts mean that you’re leaving the faith. And if your husband is going through a period of doubt, leave him to wrestle it through.
Somehow I feel like I should share this post again: when your husband is walking away from the faith. Let’s recognize that sometimes he ISN’T walking away–he’s just wrestling. And that’s okay.
Today’s a Sad Anniversary
Speaking of hard times in faith, today’s a sad anniversary for me.
Nineteen years ago my son Christopher died.
I tell some of the days leading up to it here. Wrote that six years ago when I was really feeling the weight of grief.
If you think of it, say a prayer for my husband today. I can get away and go for a walk if I need to today. He’s got a heavy day at work with some challenges. Just a rotten day for it.
And if you missed it, here’s my take on grief: you don’t “get over it”. It just crops up less frequently as time goes on.
September Ultimate Marriage Reading Challenge…
…is coming on Monday. So many of you have asked about it–and I skipped August. So sorry! I was just so busy. But I’m preparing it for this Monday!
And on Instagram…
Driving my baby girl off to university! So proud of her, but it’s the end of an era. #emptynesters
A photo posted by Sheila Gregoire (@sheilagregoire) on Aug 31, 2015 at 1:08pm PDT
Have a great weekend, everyone! I’m going to try not to get any sicker than I am. Hopefully I’ll get dressed sometime today, too. 
The post Sometimes Getting Out of Bed is Success appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.
September 3, 2015
Making it Home: When Sex Isn’t Easy and Playful
Some nights, we can’t.
We have one set of bed sheets, and they’re tattered for the washing. In the winter it’s a feather tick we sleep under, feathers plucked by the Hutterites who live down the road from us.
I cry because I can’t let Trent in again.
It hurts too much, and it’s our wedding night all over again—two sons later.
“Shhh—it’s okay, Em, we’ll try again,” he says. But I know it’s not just my body that won’t let him in.
We sleep beneath the feathers, and some nights, Trent kicks it off because he’s too hot. He’s always naked, me, wrapped in flannels and “You should really try sleeping without clothes,” Trent says, holding me. “You’d be so much warmer.”
“I doubt that,” I say with a laugh. “I know why you want me to sleep naked… ”
He kisses my neck. “You know, sometimes, Em, I just want to hold you.”
I nod. I know. Because he is the man who waited six months just to kiss me.
Who waited twenty three years to have sex with someone—and that someone was me, on our wedding night.
But I was sewn tight that night, and the champagne didn’t loose anything. Trent waiting in the bed in the cottage, his black suit and white shirt flung on the floor and him leaning on one arm, waiting for me. The July heat whispering through a window, and the beach just steps from the cottage. The stars like the diamonds on my dress, clustered together and I thought about running.
“Are you coming, Em?” Trent said, and I let that dress fall, clutching the sheets to my flat chest and he pulled me close but I was an aged envelope that had glued shut. And I cried. Him saying, “Shhh, it’s okay, we have our whole lives to figure this out.”
We were the couple who, when we were dating, hadn’t been able to stop kissing until three in the morning, his hands under my shirt but now, after the vows beneath the trellis and my dad’s tender prayer and the rose petals falling, now that we were married, I was like a caged bird. Him trying to open the lock but I wanted that cage. I knew every corner, every rung, and I’d put myself in there when I was sixteen.
Trent’s fallen asleep against my shoulder, his quiet snores in my ear, his long arms around my waist.
I’m reading And the Mountains Echoed by Khaled Hosseini, my bedside table littered with ear plugs and sleeping pills. And some nights, still, even after two babies and ten years of becoming one beneath the sheets, my body still runs to that cage.
I’m that bird, learning how to fly.
Sheila says: I so appreciate Emily being so honest in her book about her struggles. If you’ve struggling with vaginismus (when sex hurts because you’re too tight), I do have some information in The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex. You can also find some information on vaginismus here.
This excerpt is taken from Emily Wierenga’s new memoir (the sequel to ATLAS GIRL), Making It Home: Finding My Way to Peace, Identity and Purpose. Order HERE .
What does it mean to be a woman and to make a home? Does it mean homeschooling children or going to the office every day? Cooking gourmet meals and making Pinterest-worthy home décor? In Making It Home: Finding My Way to Peace, Identity, and Purpose, author and blogger Emily Wierenga takes readers on an unconventional journey through marriage, miscarriage, foster parenting and the daily struggle of longing to be known, inviting them into a quest for identity in the midst of life’s daily interruptions. Get your copy HERE. Proceeds benefit Emily’s non-profit, The Lulu Tree.
Get FREE downloadable chapters from Making It Home HERE .
Emily Wierenga is a blogger and the author of several books, including her touching memoirs Atlas Girl about her struggle with anorexia and figuring out where she fits in this world, and Making It Home. She’s an artist, a writer, a mother, and a lover with a passion for Africa. You can find her at http://emilywierenga.com.
The post Making it Home: When Sex Isn’t Easy and Playful appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.
September 2, 2015
20 Even-You-Can-Do-It Ideas To Initiate Sex Tonight
Today I’m part of Kathi Lipp’s amazing 5 Books in 5 Days Marriage Event! She’s featuring a different author everyday, and you can win all 5 books! Read to the bottom to find out how to enter. And today, Erin MacPherson, Kathi’s coauthor in her new book Hot Mama, joins us in return for Wifey Wednesday. You’ll love this:
My old German grandmother used to tell me that I was never going to catch any fish just lying by the pond under a shade tree looking pretty. I had to actually pull out a line, hook on some bait and fish.
Okay, she didn’t say that.
But I think she would have had she had the opportunity to see me when I first got married. I loved being a newlywed—really I did. But I was a little bit…shall we call it… lazy. And I figured that if I sat on the couch with all of my feminine charms, my husband would just want me.
And he did. For a while.
But then things got busy. Job, mortgage, puppy, baby, another baby, another mortgage, another puppy, another baby…and, well, you get the picture. Finding time (and energy and desire) for sex became downright impossible.
And sex became less frequent.
My feminine charms started to feel less-than-charming.
My husband and I had what I now (somewhat) lovingly refer to as “that talk in 2012.” The gist of it was this: He did love me. He did find me hot and charming and desirable and all that jazz. But he was getting a bit tired of reaching out and getting things started while I sat on the couch and batted my eyelashes.
I was…shocked.
Good girls aren’t supposed to ask for sex, are they?
Enter Sheila Wray Gregiore. I confess: The only reason I picked up her book is because I felt like she was going to take my side. I mean, the word “good girl” was right there in the title, so obviously she was going to tell me that I was right, my husband was wrong and that I could just keep on doing things my old and comfortable way.
But she didn’t.
She told me that it’s okay for girls—even good girls—to like sex.
And she also told me that it’s important—even necessary—for us good girls to initiate sex from time-to-time. Not only to tell our husbands that we want them just as much as they want us (which is important) but also because it empowers us to be the women and the wives that God called us to be.
I clearly had some learning to do.
And God clearly has a sense of humor, because right as I started learning (and okay, trying), I got a contract to write my own sex book. (Yes, me, the quintessential “good girl” writing a sex book. Imagine that.) And so I really had to up my game. To change my ways. And to show my husband that he is worth getting off the couch for. Every single time.
I’m still not done learning yet, but I have amended my ways somewhat. And I do manage to my share of initiating from time-to-time.
And you can too.
Here are twenty ways that you can pull it off (literally) tonight.
1. Walk up to him and kiss him on the lips. Like it counts. Then lean back, look into his eyes, raise your eyebrows and kiss him again. Works. Every. Time.
2. Grab his butt when he walks by.
3. Send him text messages throughout the day, telling him exactly what you are going to do when he gets home.
4. Take off your clothes, walk into whatever room he is in. 1-2-done.
5. Buy new lingerie. Leave the receipt on the counter with a note that says “this is already on.”
6. Say, “I’m going to bed. Want to come?” Simple, but effective.
7. Wake him up with a big, sloppy kiss.
8. Leave a Post-It note on his steering wheel.
9. Wear your hottest panties under your clothes. Slide down your jeans to let him catch a glimpse.
10. Let him tuck the kids in. Wait for him in bed with nothing on.
11. Write it on his calendar in red. (Just make sure it’s not a shared work calendar. That could be embarrassing.)
12. Just do it. Literally, just grab his hand, pull him into the bedroom and do it.
13. Come up with a code word that means sex. Use that word as often as possible throughout the day.
14. Flash him. (Just make sure to pull down your shades first.)
15. Buy new (red, satin) sheets. Ask him to give them a try.
16. Let him walk into the kitchen and find you cooking a la Garth Brooks—with nothing but an apron.
17. Offer to give him a massage.
18. Play a little game of strip Uno. Instead of having to draw four, make him take off four items of clothing.
19. Turn on a favorite song. Ask him to dance right there in your living room.
20. Next time he’s in the shower, hop in with him.
There you go, ladies! Have some fun!
Erin MacPherson and Kathi Lipp are authors of Hot Mama, an awesome book to show you how you can have a hot sex life–even if you’re a mom with mashed bananas on your sweatshirt.
And now–head on over to read my post on Kathi’s blog on why sex is for you, too–and then comment at the end for a chance to win all 5 marriage books!
Are you a marriage blogger? Don’t forget to link up a marriage post in today’s Wifey Wednesday! Just add the URL to the linky below. And then be sure to link back here so other people can read these awesome posts, too.
Marriage isn't supposed to be blah!
Sex is supposed to be stupendous--physically, emotionally, AND spiritually.
If it's not, get The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex--and find out what you've been missing.
The post 20 Even-You-Can-Do-It Ideas To Initiate Sex Tonight appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.
September 1, 2015
The Top 5 Method for Finding the Win-Win in a Fight
We’ve been talking about finding the win-win when you’re dealing with conflict with your husband.Yesterday I talked about how, instead of just arguing about who is right, you instead identify your needs in a situation. Today, on Top 10 Tuesday, I want to give you a method I suggested in 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage–Identify your big 5! Then we’re going to get specific and look at how to declutter with your husband on board.
Sometimes a conflict ends up being about how you want your life to FEEL. For instance, he may want the house super tidy, and you may like the creative energy that comes from a bustling house with kids and lots of company.
How can you win that one when you both have different ideas of what “home” means?
One thing I suggest is to name your Top 5–the Top 5 things that would help you feel like home.
So he may say:
I need the living room tidy so I can sit down at night.
I need the entryway clear when I come home.
I need the bed made.
I need the bathroom clean.
I need the laundry put away, not strewn all over the floor/bed.
She, on the other hand, may say:
I need to let the kids put a blanket fort in the play room.
I need to do the dishes on my own time.
I need to have my knitting out, not always putting it away out of reach.
I need books all over the house to encourage reading.
I need the backyard to be the kids’ domain.
The living room and bathroom stay spotless; the playroom and living room are the kids’ domains; and they each get what they need. By talking about it specifically like that, you break down “what is really important to me?” And you often find that you’re able to find a win-win that doesn’t blame the other person for being morally inferior (“you’re a slob!”; “you’re anal and don’t care about the kids!”)
I think this Top 5 approach (which ends up being 10 things, for Top 10 Tuesday!) can work in a variety of situations where you are opposites.
When one of you is an introvert who needs time alone, and one is an extrovert who needs time together–how can we figure out how to spend our time? Or when one is a spender and one is a saver, how can we negotiate how to take care of the finances? Often opposites attract, so name your top 5, and then you both feel listened to.
And then go out of your way to abide by your spouse’s Top 5. They deserve that honour.
Today I’m busy moving my daughter into university, so just a quick post. But I think it’s a great concept that can help a lot of marriages.
So let me ask you today: Can you think of an area of conflict where you each just want totally different things, or have totally opposite approaches? Can you try to find your “Top 5s” to help you navigate it? Let me know in the comments!
31 Days to Great Sex is here (only $4.99!) It's the best $5 you'll ever spend on your marriage!
Learn to talk more, flirt more, and even explore more! You'll work on how to connect emotionally, spiritually, AND physically.
Find out more
August 31, 2015
Reader Question: I’m Scared of Sex Because I Don’t Want to Get Pregnant
What do you do when you’re scared of getting pregnant, hate hormonal birth control, but then you avoid sex?
Every Monday I like to try to answer a reader question. Today I have the same question from two readers who are both scared of pregnancy. One woman writes:
I read many Christian blogs encouraging frequent sex between man and wife. I believe it to be helpful to a marriage. But what do other couples do when they don’t want to use contraceptives but are feeling insecure about having more children? My husband and I were not on the same page for a long time about having more children. That definitely affected our sex life. It is Biblical to have frequent sex so then should we just expect to have 20 children?
Another woman writes:
I follow and love your blog, but this is a topic I have either missed you addressing, or perhaps you haven’t addressed it. I am happily married for 16.5 years. We have 8 beautiful children, whom I stay at home with and homeschool. I feel complete in our family size, for many reasons. My husband says he does, also. However, we cannot find a birth control we agree on. We have failed at NFP/FAM both times we tried to use it. We hate how condoms interfere with intimacy, and we don’t want to do anything hormonal. I am leaning towards something permanent, but my husband is not on board there, either. Because of us not being able to agree/decide on a reliable form of birth control, I am fearful of pregnancy, and my attitude toward sex with my husband is suffering.
I’d love any advice on how to overcome this speed bump in our marriage. The simple answer would obviously be “get on the same page”. But what do we do when that’s not happening? Maybe I’m just looking for reassurance that I’m not the only one who has felt this way.
You’re definitely not the only one who has felt this way!
So how does a couple come to an agreement in this tricky situation?
In 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage, I shared the concept that quite often in marriage we think of conflict as a win-lose thing. I told of three different stories–including one of my own–where we get into these endless arguments trying to come out on top.
For instance, quite a few years ago, when my girls were little, I was homeschooling them and Keith had a busy pediatric practice. He wanted one night a week to himself, to get together with some local guys and play battle scenarios with miniature soldiers (think that sounds geeky? You have no idea!). But I was starting to get writing assignments, and I needed time to write.
Keith was genuinely burned out. He had life and death decisions constantly. He needed time to decompress.
I genuinely needed time to use my own giftings.
How were we going to solve that one? It didn’t seem like both of us could win; there were only so many hours in a week.
But eventually Keith (it’s usually Keith who is the smart one when we’re in conflict) realized we were being ridiculous. We were fighting over time, but there were other ways to get more time. And Keith ended up cutting back his practice half a day a week to give me an afternoon to myself, when he took the girls. It was great.
We found a win-win.
In most conflicts, you can find a win-win–or at least find a solution that you’re both happy with.
But this birth control one is a tricky one, because it really seems as if there are only two options: either he gets sex and she gets pregnant; or he gets no sex and she doesn’t get pregnant. In both scenarios, one wins and one loses.
So how do we get out of this win-lose dichotomy?
Instead of focusing on who can make the better argument, ask: what do I need here?
What is your underlying need? Both of you speak it out loud. It’s best if you even write it down! And you may have several.
She might write:
I want to feel confident that I won’t get pregnant
I feel uncomfortable with hormonal birth control methods
I want to feel close to my husband
And he might write:
I want a fulfilling sex life with my wife
I feel uncomfortable with condoms
As soon as you write your needs down, you’re now in problem solving mode.
And problem solving mode is much better than fighting mode.
Give each need the God “sniff test”
Here’s another thing I bring up in 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage: not all needs are legitimate.
I once had a reader write because her husband was a pastor who had been involved in porn ten years prior. He had gotten clean, but over the last year some typical behaviours had started again–he was secretive; he was becoming more selfish; he was becoming more verbally cutting.
She asked him if he was using porn, and he said, “I need trust in a marriage. You’re violating the marriage covenant by not giving me something I need.” And he refused to let her see his computer.
Some needs are illegitimate, and are actually covers for sin.
Let’s take a look at these needs. The one that stands out to me is “I want to feel confident I won’t get pregnant.”
I completely understand that feeling. I really do. But no matter what birth control method you use (short of sterilization), there is always a risk. And our futures are in God’s hands, not ours. Whatever we do for birth control, we have to realize that “I may have another baby in my future.” That’s God’s prerogative. And if you do get pregnant, God will be there to give you strength and help you love that baby and mother that baby.
To not have sex because you don’t want to get pregnant is really saying, “I don’t trust God.” It’s a spiritual issue far more than it is a marriage issue. And that’s dangerous.
I’m not saying she’s wrong for not wanting more children; I’m just saying that we should never presume upon God. And ultimately this question is much easier to work out if we’re able to trust God and say, “I’ll do my best, but I know that you hold my future, and whatever happens, I’ll be okay because you will carry me.”
Let’s Problem Solve Together!
Now let’s problem solve together. She doesn’t want to use hormonal birth control, and likely for good reason. The women in my direct line react badly to it. We gain 10 pounds in the first month–and keep ballooning up to about 40 pounds heavier, even if it’s a low progesterone dose (trust me; I’ve had several family members, including myself, go on low doses not for birth control but to regulate periods. It’s been a disaster). We get totally grumpy. We lose our libido. I even get blood clots!
And some people have similar reactions to the IUD. For most, though, the IUD has far fewer side effects that the Pill. However, there is controversy over whether it prevents conception or just prevents implantation.
So let’s take the hormonal out of the way. That leaves:
Condoms
Diaphragms
Natural Family Planning
J from Hot, Holy and Humorous swears by her diaphragm! You can put it in early in the day; nobody feels it at all during intercourse; and it’s super effective. Not to share TMI, but I can’t use one. I’m just really queasy about that sort of stuff (which is ironic considering what I do for a living). But if you’re NOT queasy, it sounds awesome.
Let’s Talk Condoms and Natural Family Planning
If a diaphragm isn’t in the cards for you, what about a combination of other methods? With natural family planning you chart your cycles so that you know when you ovulate. Then, about 4 days before ovulation and 3 days afterwards (that’s actually a REALLY long window, but I’m trying to be super careful here) you avoid intercourse or you use a barrier method.
Remember: You cannot get pregnant when you’re not around ovulation! Seriously, that little sperm needs an egg. No egg, no pregnancy. And eggs are only viable for a few days, as are sperm. So in the week right after your period (or at least in the first five days), you’re usually good to go! And then after ovulation until your period–green light, too!
I really understand being nervous about this. I have a 20-year-old daughter who just got married who is still in school. Believe me–we all get it! We really do. But one of your needs is feeling close to your husband, and one of his needs is feeling close to you through a fulfilling sex life. You owe it to yourself to educate yourself about fertility. The more we understand, the less scared we will be. Learn the science behind it! The best book for that that is recommended everytime I talk about this is Taking Charge of Your Fertility.
How Do I Get Over Being Scared to get Pregnant?
Knowledge + Trust in God = A fun sex life!
You need both elements. If you’re ultimately scared that a pregnancy would be a disaster, and think that “disaster factor” makes it more likely, since God always gives you what you’re most scared of, it won’t matter how much you educate yourself. Your problem is a spiritual one.
But if you really aren’t educated, then you’ll think that you can get pregnant ALL THE TIME–which honestly is not true.
When you have both elements, it’s easier to sit down with your husband and say something like,
Look, we each want a great sex life. But during these days we’re just going to have to use condoms. It won’t be so bad, though, because it means that on other days we don’t have to! So it’s only a sacrifice for part of the month. And this way we’ll be able to feel close and have fun again. And with me understanding my body, it will help me understand my libido and pay attention more, too!
So often we ignore our bodies, and miss out on our libido surges. When you’re tracking, you pay attention. I’ve got a series on understanding how our hormones affect libido, too.
You can find a win-win, even in this seemingly impossible situation.
But you’ve got to let God into the equation. And as you do more research, you just may find that you’re more excited about sex because you understand your own body better.
Now let me know in the comments: How have you dealt with the fear of pregnancy?
The post Reader Question: I’m Scared of Sex Because I Don’t Want to Get Pregnant appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.
August 28, 2015
When I Have to Say Thank You
I am overwhelmed at the support that you all have given me since 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage was released last week.I’m thrilled that hundreds of you bought it on the 18th and really boosted my Amazon ranking (thank you!). And most of all I’m thrilled with the emails and reviews I’ve received from those who have read it.
It’s hard when you write a book. You’re so close to it for so long that it becomes almost boring–you wonder if you said anything original at all. So when people post instagram pics with certain sentences underlined–I almost get goosebumps!
And I know that this week was a crazy week, and a hard week for many of you, with the whole Ashley Madison story. For many of you, who have reached out to me, it brought back memories of discovering your husband’s porn use. I’m sorry for your pain. I really am. I hope some of what I wrote this week helped.
But first, here are the biggest posts from this week, in case you missed some:
What’s #1 at To Love, Honor and Vacuum
#1 New Post on the Blog: On Sexual Double Lives, Josh Duggar, and Finding Peace
#1 on the Blog: Top 10 Ways to Initiate Sex
#1 on Facebook: 10 Ways to Save Money
#1 on Pinterest: Stocking Stuffers for Your Husband (it’s not even Christmas yet and this post is already big! Bookmark it for later)
Thank you to those who bought 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage
Launch week is always nerve wracking. Will anyone buy it? Will anyone notice it?
So I just want to say thank you to those of you who did!
I am blown away by all the reviews on Amazon, but I just wanted to post this one. I think I know who may have written it–I think it may be a long time blog reader–but I don’t know, because the woman I’m thinking of is Australian, and I think she would have spelt “favourite” with a “u” (like I do). So maybe I’m wrong. But whoever it is, thank you! (And to all the rest of you who left reviews, I appreciate you so much, too! I know I’m going to get some bad feedback on this one because I do challenge the conventional wisdom, so the more reviews we get early that are positive, the better!)
And, as always, if you haven’t bought it yet–please do! If you like this blog, it encapsulates my whole philosophy in one book. And it’s easy to share a book with others, too–much easier than saying, “go read her whole blog”.
(and in answer to the questions about the prizes, prizes 1 and 3-5 have been contacted and awarded, but we never heard back from our email to the person who won me taking them out to dinner. So I’m going to pick another winner today and let them know! Once we have confirmation from all 5 winners I’ll announce them here).
A Word About Anna Duggar
After writing about Josh Duggar and the Ashley Madison scandal, I was seeing so many comments saying, “she should just leave him.” It’s not that I disagree–I honestly don’t know what she should do. But I did post this on Facebook, and it seemed to resonate with many of you, so I thought I’d post it here, too.
I just feel the need to comment one more time on Anna Duggar. So many people are saying, “she should leave the (insert bad word here)”. And I certainly have some sympathy. And so many are saying about Josh: “He only apologized because he got caught; that’s not real repentance.” That may very well be true. But it also may not. I have spoken to so many porn users and those having affairs who were so relieved when it finally came to light because the stress of living a double life was too much. The truth is we don’t know what’s going on in that family; we DO KNOW that unless Josh is completely honest with God, himself, and his family about both the porn use/affairs and the molestation there is no healing and there is no hope for the marriage. And we know that, should Anna choose to leave, she certainly has grounds and God will be with her. But other than that, we don’t know. But I will say this: many people ARE glad to be found out. And for many people on this blog, the discovery, while horrible, was the beginning of healing. If you’re walking in a dark part of your marriage, just remember: sometimes the time that is darkest is actually the beginning of the journey home.
Sometimes the time that seems darkest is actually the beginning of the journey home.
Click To Tweet
This is the funniest video ever.
And I’m not just saying that because I’m their mother!
Here are my daughters, right after they had their wisdom teeth out. Let’s just say that Rebecca, my super serious, studious daughter, had a little bit of a reaction to that anaesthetic:
I’ve Been Through Quite the Journey with Prayer this Summer
I’ve been wrestling with the question “how do you hear God”, and for the first time in my life, over the last six months, I’ve had such specific and dramatic answers to questions that it’s quite amazing. Sometimes we hear, “you can only grow in your faith through suffering”. I do think that suffering is a tool God uses, but I haven’t been suffering. I’ve just decided that I want more of Him. And I’ve been changing some of my daily routines, and it’s been awesome.
But as I’m praying and reading more, some quotes from some books are standing out to me. And I thought I’d share this one about “holy habits”.
I’m reading Mark Buchanan’s Your God Is Too Safe, and he makes this point: no one expects to be able to pick up a violin and play like a maestro without any practice. No one expects to be able to paint well without practice. But, he says:
We have to train for the spiritual life…
Holy habits are that: the disciplines, the routines by which we stay alive and focused on Him. At first we choose them and carry them out; after a while they are part of who we are. And they carry us.
Holy habits–prayer, Bible reading, worship, church attendance–these are all crucial if we want more of God’s power in our lives.
I shared yesterday how I’ve been taking prayer walks everyday now that my daughter is leaving home. She won’t be there to take walks with anymore. And I’m finding that time of intense prayer with God so necessary now.
Don’t Forget to Enter to Win the $100 Visa Card!
You can do so on this post right here, brought to you via Lean Cuisine.
And on Instagram…
A photo posted by Sheila Gregoire (@sheilagregoire) on Aug 27, 2015 at 8:16am PDT
Have a great weekend, everyone! I’ll be packing Katie up to take her to college. Think of me!
The post When I Have to Say Thank You appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.
August 27, 2015
When Your Job As a Momma is Done (Almost!)
Next Monday we load up the last of Katie’s things, help the piano movers steady the piano in the truck, and head out on the highway to drop her off at university.
My job as a mom is done.
My youngest child is leaving home.
I know I am always a mom; my older daughter has needed lots of advice over the last few years as she’s been gone, especially around her wedding.
But I’m not a mom anymore. I’m an advisor. It is different. It’s lovely, but different.
I’m proud of my girls. They have both pursued Jesus wholeheartedly, and have a real relationship with Him that many times puts me to shame. They grew up in a healthier family than I did, and I can see the effects of it on them. They are more mature. More grounded. More willing to try new things.
This, again, is all lovely.
And I have a wonderful husband, and we’ve been working on our marriage for the last year, and figuring out new hobbies, and changing around work schedules, so that as empty nesters we won’t just be twiddling our thumbs and staring at each other, wondering, “who are you and why did I marry you?”
And that, again, is lovely.
It is lovely to have two children that you are so proud of pursue their dreams. It is lovely to see them make good decisions. It is lovely to know that my husband and I will stay close in this next phase of our life–and that this next phase will be an adventure.
But here’s the thing: I am going to miss Katie terribly.
Yes, I would miss her more if my husband and I were not solid. Yes, it would be much harder if she weren’t tracking with God.
But even so, I will miss her.
And I will miss being a mom.
My role as mom was all-encompassing. We took Rebecca, our oldest, out of school after kindergarten and decided to homeschool them (Katie’s never set foot in a school; she’s going to get a picture of herself on the first day of university classes holding her backpack and her lunchbox and a sign that says, “First Day of School”.)
We didn’t do it because we were afraid the public school would corrupt them. We homeschooled because we felt that academically it would be better for them. And we pushed those girls. School was intense at our house–even if it was punctuated by marathon sessions of reading Anne of Green Gables out loud, or finishing Those Happy Golden Years (the last of the Little House books) in a day and a half “because we just have to get through it”.
We taught them Latin and Greek. They read the classics. We made them write essays and we pushed them in math. They are very well-educated.
We made them earn their lifeguarding credentials and at 16 they started working intensely at the Y. They made great friends, especially with the seniors who would come to swim during the day. One couple in their 80s even took Katie to a strawberry social last June and prayed over and blessed her as she goes on with her life. Their boss made the trip to Ottawa this summer and came to Rebecca’s wedding.
And we homeschooled because we wanted more family time. With Keith’s weird call schedule and my weird speaking schedule we needed time during the week together.
But the biggest thing was this: everyday, we’d go for a walk.
Sometimes even two! Whenever we started feeling restless we’d head outside and do our “loop”. So everyday, for the last ten years, I have taken a walk with one of my daughters. That’s when we talk, and when they open up, and when I learn about what’s happening in their hearts.
With Katie the walks have been intense lately, often lasting more than an hour. We’ve discovered new “loops”, and almost gotten lost several times.
When I visit Rebecca in Ottawa, the first thing we do is put on our shoes and go out for a walk by the river. It’s outside that we open up.
But now Katie is leaving.
Two weeks ago I decided to start taking walks by myself, to get used to the solitude. And I’ve turned them into quite intense prayer walks, replacing the time I used to spend talking with her to talking about her and for her with God. It’s a little nervewracking; I have a hard time praying without talking out loud, so my neighbours may think I’m nuts. But it’s real.
Because Katie is leaving.
Have I mentioned that yet?
It is not that I don’t want her to grow up. It is not that I don’t have a life outside of her. It is not that I don’t have a good marriage.
It is just that so much of my emotional energy has been caught up in my daughters for the last two decades, and now that phase is coming to an end.
I know I will still talk to her; Rebecca calls me twice a day. But it will be different.
And so I take my prayer walks.
I want the girls to still feel my support while they are at school, away from me. Part of that will be through prayer. Part of it will be through phone calls and texts.
But I want to share a fun thing that I was asked to review and tell you about. Kites & Ivy creates care packages for girls going away to college. It’s just little things to pamper college students: some beauty products, a healthy but fun snack, things to relax you.
They come four times a year: to welcome them in September; before they go home for Christmas; before Spring Break; and before Finals. And when you sign up, you tell them what school the recipient is going to, and they make sure the package gets there at just the right time for that particular school’s academic calendar!
Kites & Ivy initially hired Katie to talk about them in her videos. I told her about it, she shrugged, and said, “okay”.
And then the package came.
And she was so excited!
It had: some dry shampoo (because who has time to wash your hair during finals!?!), a yummy sea salt caramel chocolate bar, some essential oils to help you focus, some water flavouring powder, some natural facial wipes, a headband, and a neat water sipper cup. Katie loved it! Here she is talking about it: (the video is set to start playing where she starts talking about it, but if you want to see the WHOLE video of what she learned when she was 17, just rewind it to the beginning!)
And when she says that she’s just going to ask her mom to get it for her, she’s quite serious. She says, “as a university student I’m going to have no money to spend on myself! And opening the box was so fun!”
Here’s the box they sent out last year before spring break:
You can buy just one box and send it immediately as a gift, or you can subscribe so that a college student that you know (a daughter, a niece, a sister) can get a treat when they really need it. I think it would be great for churches to do this for their students leaving, too–to let those students know, “we’re still thinking of you and praying for you!”
(Shipping is free within the continental United States–other than that you have to pay for it. I know that’s tough on Canadians like me, but I do understand as someone who has to ship a lot across the border, too. It is much cheaper to ship within the U.S.!)
Katie enjoyed hers so much–she’s sipping from the cup from the 5 minute point in her new video on Christian romance novels! So I guess I’m getting her a subscription!
It is a cute way of bringing a smile to a college young woman’s face, and I was excited to partner with them. The preorders are going out now for the school year, and you can use the coupon code Sheila10 to get 10% off your order! If you’re a mom, this saves you the work and trouble of putting your own care package together–and the items really are unique and awfully fun.
So that is what I’ll be up to this year–I’ll be missing my daughters. I’ll be taking daily prayer walks and remembering them before God. I’ll be talking to them whenever they call when they’re lonely (or when they’re on the bus and they’re bored, which is more typical). And I will be sending Katie Kites & Ivy care packages, too!
It’s hard when your job as a momma is over. I’m feeling it acutely. I know I did a good job–not a perfect job, but a good job, which is perhaps better. But now I need to take a step back, and perhaps that is what will drive me to prayer even more.
Let me know in the comments: how did you stay close to your kids (or your parents) when college time came (or moving out time came)? What did you appreciate from your mom?
I was compensated for this post, but the thoughts are entirely mine (and my daughter’s!)
The post When Your Job As a Momma is Done (Almost!) appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.
August 26, 2015
Wifey Wednesday: The Happiness Reality Check
Does the pursuit of happiness work in marriage?
Can you find a husband who can complete you, who can be your best friend, who can make you happy for the rest of your life?
That’s one of the questions I ask in my new book, 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage. It launched last week, and I’ve been blown away by all the kind comments I’ve received and the great reviews!
And I want to give a shout out to Gaye Christmus from Calm.Healthy.Sexy, who has been part of my blog tour. She’s giving away two Kindle copies of the book, so head on over to enter! She’s written a wonderfully practically post on 5 Ways You Can Strengthen Your Marriage Today, too. Check it out!
Today, though, I want to talk a little bit more about happiness in marriage. The theme of my book is that we can’t just be passive participants in life, waiting for things to happen. We have to go out and make it happen! And too many of us are sitting back and waiting for happiness to come, because we believe that our husbands are supposed to make us happy.
I’ve been speaking on happiness at women’s retreats and marriage retreats for over a decade now, and I always say something similar:
If you can complete this sentence: “I‘ll be happy when my husband….” (learns to change a toilet paper roll; gives me some time to myself; finally says thank you), then you’ll never be happy. You’re putting your happiness in someone else’s hands. And the more you ask yourself, “am I happy? Is he making me happy?”, the more you’ll find all the reasons why he isn’t.
You can’t aim for happiness. It’s a by-product of something else–of finding joy and contentment in God, and then fulfillment as we live out our purpose.
In church this Sunday our pastor showed this video clip from the movie Hector and the Pursuit of Happiness. And I loved it, because so much of it was word-for-word what I’ve been saying (I love confirmation like that!)
Take a look–it’s really good (and short):
Maybe we should stop talking about the pursuit of happiness and talk about the happiness of…
Click To Tweet
Love it.
And so let’s get back to our question: Can your husband make you happy? I’ve asked Beth Steffaniak, a marriage blogger who has been such a faithful reader and guest contributor, to answer a couple of questions about happiness because this is her rallying cry, too! She writes the blog Messy Marriage, about what to do when things aren’t all rosy.
Beth, where do we get this idea that our husbands should make us happy?
On one level this seems like a “no-brainer!” We should all want our spouses to make us happy. Only a masochist or crazy person would NOT want his/her spouse to “make” him/her happy, right?
But at one point I began to question if I had married the wrong person, mostly because of that toxic belief. My reasoning seemed sound. “If he truly was my soul-mate, wouldn’t he make me happy?!” After all, that’s what I’d been told all my life by the people I trusted to form my view of marriage and romantic relationships … the Disney Corporation!
I can laugh at that reality now, but years ago I used to gobble up that sappy logic and magical thinking every time I hit the box office or clicked my TV remote. My “hungry for heaven” human heart was lulled into thinking that personal pleasure and happiness—no matter what it might cost me—should be the aim of my life and marriage. After all, if you’re an American, it’s right there in the Declaration of Independence…
What’s better than happiness?
I discovered that happiness in its truest sense isn’t something that can be expected or manufactured by any human being—“soul-mate” or not—because it is based upon good or favorable circumstances. However, only God can determine or change our circumstances! So happiness is a lot like Forrest Gump’s box of chocolates, “You never know what you’re going to get.”
On the other hand, “joy” is something that’s not based upon my circumstances, but rather upon the greatness of my God working in me in the midst of the good, the bad and especially the terrible circumstances I face in life and marriage.
“Consider it pure joy, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything” James 1:2-4 (NIV).
Some of my most completely joyful moments in marriage have been the ones where my husband and I have grown closer because we weathered some storm in life together—not because we were delivered from it. Add to that the times when we worked through a messy moment that we brought on ourselves, and you have God’s catalyst for spiritual maturity because we learned to rely on Him more.
Would I ever go back to those days when I chased the ever-elusive happiness butterfly? Not a chance! That’s why I’m comfortable with being in a flawed and messy more-times-than-not marriage, because it is there that God’s glory in my weaknesses shines the brightest.
I love that, Beth! And if you feel like you’re in a “messy marriage”, too, check out her blog!
Here’s the thing, though: I think that many of us don’t realize when we’re chasing after happiness.
Whenever I write about happiness, I know most of my readers are nodding along with me, not realizing that this may, perhaps, apply to them, too!
So here’s your “happiness reality check”:
If you allow the things that your husband does that annoy you to wreck your mood, you may be looking for your husband to make you happy.
If you start the day happy, but end the day disappointed (with the disappointment growing as the day goes on), you may be looking outside yourself and outside God for your contentment.
If you find yourself praying for God to change your husband, you may be looking for your husband to complete you.
If you can easily give a list of the ways that your husband disappoints you, or easily list off ten of his faults, you may be looking for him to make you happy.
Or, let me sum it up this way:
People who are looking for their happiness outside of themselves have a very easy time identifying all the disappointments in their lives and all the ways others don’t measure up.
People who are looking to God for their joy and contentment have an easy time identifying things they are grateful for, and a harder time listing the things that bug them about specific people.
Look, we all have bad days. We all have days when we’re exhausted and we want to cry. We all have certain people that drive us completely around the bend. We all have certain circumstances that drive us nuts. And quite often there’s a very good reason these drive us nuts!
But people who focus on joy and contentment usually focus on how to make a plan to deal with those things that drive them nuts. People who are focused on happiness do not, because their modus operandi is more passive: things should go well for me, and if they don’t, someone is doing something wrong.
People who are focused on happiness see all the impediments to happiness; people who are focused on joy and on our Lord see exciting solutions.
What do you do if you’re focused on happiness?
It’s okay. This isn’t meant to be a guilt trip. I share in the book how I was focused on happiness in my marriage. So was Beth! But let’s stop focusing on the way that others disappoint us, and start searching for the way God blesses us. Let’s stop looking at other people’s failures and start looking inside ourselves to see what God has done. Let’s stop feeling helpless, and start seeing how God is equipping us to bring greater joy to everyone around us.
It really is just a simple mindset shift. It’s a new way of thinking. And it honestly can make all the difference in the world.
It’s not about the pursuit of happiness. It’s about the happiness of pursuit–the pursuit of God, the pursuit of purpose, the pursuit of joy, the pursuit of gratitude.
And especially the pursuit of Jesus (Hebrews 12:1-2)! When we start pursuing joy, you’ll find that your need for others to make you happy diminishes considerably. And, ironically, you’ll find that your happiness actually increases.
Now it’s your turn! Do you have a marriage post to share with us today? Link up the URL in the linky below! And PLEASE link back here so other people can read these great marriage posts, too.
The post Wifey Wednesday: The Happiness Reality Check appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.
