Sheila Wray Gregoire's Blog, page 173

And Now, Just a Word About the Canadian Election…

For those of you who may not know, I am Canadian. (now all I can hear is that famous beer commercial running in my head–Canadians will understand).

And Canadians had a huge election yesterday.

Huge voter turnout. And huge change. The Conservatives were defeated; Justin Trudeau, son of former Prime Minister Pierre Trudeau, is the new Prime Minister.

I don’t like to talk about politics much because my main focus is marriage, and I do want all–liberals and conservatives alike–to feel comfortable here.

So today I just want to say a very few things, because people have been asking me.

What bothers me about our political debate–and indeed about government in general–is that so many government programs and government money and government initiatives go to fixing things that would not be problems if the nuclear family was still strong and intact. I’m not arguing that we shouldn’t help those in need–absolutely not!–but at the same time, no one can make up for the lack of the family.

And that’s why I think it’s so important that government focus on what it can do to support families and encourage families. I think the #1 way to do that is to create the economic opportunities for the job market to flourish, because people delay marriage when there aren’t jobs. And families get separated and run into problems when finances are bad. Jobs give dignity and opportunity, and they’re the cornerstone.

But instead we seem to be trying to fix problems that we really can’t fix, and it saddens me. And by downplaying the nuclear family, people think we’re being more inclusive. But all you have to do is look at what has happened to fatherhood trends in minority communities for the last 40 years to see how that is working out. The rich are still getting married and having kids; the poor are only having kids (and are not getting married). If people are really upset that the rich do so well, then what we should be asking is how we can encourage EVERYBODY towards marriage, rather than making marriage an elitist institution, which is what it’s rapidly becoming.

In short, marriage matters and it always will, because kids who grow up with two parents in a healthy marriage have a bigger advantage than anything else could give them.

I wrote a post during the 2008 American election about how the media was treating Sarah Palin’s children. I think increasingly the cultural divide in our nations is one of children more than anything else.

I want the family to be strong, and so it is my sincere hope and prayer that the Trudeau government does continue to grow the economy as it grew under Harper. And I pray that Trudeau will recognize the importance of families.

But I know many people are really upset today, and really angry. And so I want to share this verse that I read in Jeremiah this week. If you are feeling marginalized in your country–and inevitably the losing side in every election feels marginalized–please don’t get angry. Remember God’s words here:

We are all a part of this nation–Liberal or Conservative (or NDP)! And for those of you who aren’t Canadian, we’re all still part of a wider community of families and believers. Let’s never exile ourselves so much, or withdraw so much, or get so angry, that we forget that no matter who is in government, we can be a blessing to those around us, one family, and one community, at a time. We really can make a difference to those closest to us.

And that’s something no government can ever do.

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3 Things Every Mom Needs to Read

I’m a little under the weather this morning, so I can’t write anything particularly brilliant or insightful.

But this week I’ve read 3 extremely brilliant and insightful posts, and I’d like to share them with you today. You can read them instead of reading me!

Gary Thomas: 6 Marks of Healthy Sexuality

I love Gary Thomas’ writing, and consider him a friend.

He wrestled over this blog post, but wrote it out of deep concern with what he saw was happening with sexuality in our culture. Too often our church teachings don’t recognize the damage that certain sexual practices have.

So he wrote 6 marks of health sexuality–and they’re all so, so good. I’m going to be commenting on different aspects of this in the weeks to come, but #3 spoke to me the most, and it’s something I’ve been trying to say when I speak, too. Healthy sexuality does not promote sexual brokenness. It just doesn’t. Not every fantasy is okay. Not every whim should be indulged.

Here’s a part of what he wrote:

Many of us stumble into marriage as sexually broken people. We think marriage will cure our sexual brokenness, but problems re-arise when we want to express our sexual brokenness as part of our marriage. That’s like asking a doctor to serve your addiction instead of curing it.

Beware of coercive marital sex. Some men and a few women will use their spouse to serve a sexual addiction—let’s watch pornography together. Let’s swap partners. Sometimes, men will use sex with their wives to deaden their own pain—anesthetizing themselves—and thus put inordinate physical demands on their spouses. Men who insist on daily sex (I’m not talking about the honeymoon phase here) may be using their wives to fight back an addiction or an intimacy problem rather than cherishing and affirming their wives by giving her pleasure.

Women, you’re not helping your husband if he tries to fight the urge to cross dress by openly doing it with you. A potentially ruinous desire will grow not diminish by being indulged.

In our culture today, the most common silly notion (not even questioned by many) is that all desire must be legitimate, equally respected, tolerated, and even indulged. That’s foolish, ruinous, and not true in any other life experience.

But please–read the whole thing.

To The Moms Out There: Don’t Forget Yourself

This is just a beautiful, raw piece of writing about how so often moms become invisible in their own lives. Their lives are all about their kids–and they forget who they were. Here’s a piece:

One day, I stood in my bathroom staring at myself in a mirror with water splotches and towels on the ground reflecting back and I realized how easy it would be for the years to tick by one after another after another and to all of a sudden wake one day when the kids were grown and to look in the mirror and have no idea who the person staring back at yourself was.

I know that because that was what happened. If someone would have asked me what I loved to do I probably would have replied with a dozen mom things but probably wouldn’t say the stuff that I loved.

The truth is that none of us have perfect lives, perfect stories and perfect motherhood days. We just don’t. And the more we spend chasing after idealistic perfection the less time we can spend doing things that matter.

You are part of your story.

Read the whole thing from Finding Joy.

God Cares About You As Much as He Cares About Your Kids

One of my favourite bloggers is Natalie Klejwa from Visionary Womanhood. She has been on an incredible spiritual journey from the patriarchy movement where she tried to be a perfect wife and make up for her husband’s abuse, to learning to draw boundaries and stop enabling sin.

And she’s so open about how much of a mess her life is, and how much she needs Jesus right now.

I find it heartbreaking to read her, but exhilirating as well, because you can see that God is showing up in the midst of her mess.

I read her post yesterday right after I read the above one, about how moms matter. And I thought how well they went together. Here’s Natalie:

I wish I could go back to that girl I used to be and tell her. Tell her she is significant simply because she is. Tell her she doesn’t need to be married to be safe and loved. Tell her she doesn’t need to be perfect to be heard. Tell her she doesn’t need to be successful to matter.

But she is gone. That girl is over, and I am what is left. Instead of getting bigger, I have been compressed into something small. Maybe a seed? I hope so. Because inside a seed there is potential for something living to grow up toward the light. I used to think in my uber conservative, somewhat ascetic mindset that, as mothers, our job was to die. Just die and let the children live. But I think God sees it differently. We are all His children, no matter how old we are and no matter what we did during our lives. God doesn’t carefully tend the potential-full college student more than the bent and twisted woman in the wheel chair at St. Johns Nursing Home.

Read the whole thing.

All three of these pieces are far better than I could write today, and so I invite you to read them, think on them, and soak them in. I’ve read them all several times. And now I may just spend my day in a Netflix marathon with some cold medication. It’s been a while since I’ve done that. I’ll talk to you all tomorrow!

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Reader Question: We’re Married but Living Apart!

What do you do if you’re married but living apart? What if you only see each other on weekends?

Every Monday I like to put up a Reader Question and try to give my take on it. Here’s one from a woman whose husband has gone back to school (uni is the British way of saying university):

How does one cope with living apart due to uni? My hubby has gone back to school 2 hours away. We own our home and have put it on the market. He is currently staying with his mum who lives closer to the uni and coming home weekends. I am physically and emotionally not coping, and our phone calls at night are now so bad that I dread them, because I have turned into a bitter, complaining woman who cries all the time. I miss him so much. Logic tells me that 5 days is nothing, but my heart just cannot cope. I work, home school the children, started studying myself and joined a gym but still the days drag slowly until he comes home. How do I change my mindset?

1. Be a Team!

Your husband has gone back to school, likely because he wants a different job where he can earn more money and have a better lifestyle. In other words, he’s doing this FOR the family, not to HURT the family.

I’m sure he’s not particularly liking this life either. He’s back living with his mother instead of his wife! He has to go to classes, likely with people who are much younger than he is. He has to do homework again. It’s not easy. But he’s doing it because he’s keeping the long term in mind.

You have to as well. He has an obvious job: go to school and do the work. But you have a job now, too. Care for the kids and keep the family together. I don’t mean to be harsh, but he’s going through a lot, and he needs you to step up to the plate.

If you fall apart you make things harder for him. Do you really want that? After all, if he drops out now than all of this has been for nothing. You’re a team! So act like it. Support him. Be nice to him when you’re on the phone. Ask how he’s doing. Sympathize with his workload. See things from his point of view. Seriously, you’ve got to be part of this, too.

I remember what it was like when my husband was studying for his final exams for pediatrics when we had two babies. It wasn’t easy. I wasn’t sleeping because our youngest didn’t sleep, but Keith needed his time to study. I didn’t always give it to him–sometimes I was just desperate. But I really did try. He wasn’t deliberately not spending a lot of time with us–he HAD to study. And this was OUR life that he was building together. Yes, it’s hard, but it’s just for a time, and if you make him feel badly you don’t do anyone any good.

2. While You’re Living Apart, Find an Outlet for Your Needs

He was likely your rock–the one you relied on for your emotional needs. You talked to him everyday. You spent time with him. He gave you adult conversation.

Right now he can’t do that. So ask, “what can I put in place so that I don’t rely on him so much?”

Are the kids in a lot of activities? Maybe you can scale back. You’ve joined a gym–can you make sure you go to two classes a week there or something? And you say you’ve started studying yourself, but is this something that you enjoy that gives you something to think about other than the kids, or is it an added stress to your life? If it’s added stress, put that on hold for a while. You can only do so much.

And can you join a women’s Bible study or a small group so that you get some adult conversation? Maybe find a group during the day that also offers childcare, even if it’s at a different church from yours? How about connecting with a friend once a week? You need an outlet, and that means taking some things off of your plate that drain you and putting some things on your plate that feed you.

3. Have Some Down Time when He’s Home

You all need it! Try to get the cleaning, etc. done during the week so you can just have fun. Try not to save up a ton of things you need him to get done. Just relax together, go out for walks together, play some games together, laugh together–Be together.

4. Put a Time Limit on Living Apart

Set some long term goals so that it’s obvious how long this will last. You’ve said you’ve put your house on the market–are you planning on living nearer to his school? That’s great, because then it’s a really short time frame that you’ll be apart.

One of the reasons military families are able to live through deployments is because they know how long it will be. They can make plans. They can realize, “I just have to get through eight more months and then we’ll be together again.”

When you don’t know how long the situation will last, it makes it so much worse.

I shared recently about a hard season in life my husband and I had because of his work. It was a good job, but it couldn’t continue indefinitely because we were growing apart.

So we made some changes.

5. Make Plans So That You Can Stop Living Apart

If you’re in a situation with work that you know is bad on your relationship and on your family, it really can’t continue forever. So sit down and figure out: how long do we have to live like this? What plans to do we have to get out of this situation? What do we have to do before we’re able to switch to a different lifestyle?

Maybe you need to pay off $x of debt. Maybe you need to finish this degree or this training program. Maybe you need to sell your house. Whatever it may be, let it be measurable and make a plan.

Because some situations just can’t continue indefinitely.

Here, for example, is another letter I received:

My husband and I have, because of extreme financial problems, been living in separate houses for almost a year. I am back at my parents’ with our three children, and he has been in various places, mostly in the area, but also in another country for three months.

During the first months we were able to keep on having sex, since twice a week my mother was gone for church meetings in the evenings and my father was working abroad. It was difficult, but manageable. Now the situation has changed, and we are never alone, and can’t do much of anything to make it happen. So we can’t have sex, ever. I think in the past two months we’ve had one encounter.

My question is this.

The sex part of my brain has just turned off. We just don’t even talk about it anymore, because when we do see each other (which at this point isn’t even every day anymore) it’s never possible to do anything, so what’s the point in even getting all fired up for nothing? But years of reading your blog and other marriage blogs has me worried.

What would you say should I be doing in my head to stay “sex positive” without going insane because we just can’t do it for now? We are doing ok as a couple, we’ve been growing in patience and compassion towards each other, of course the financial situation is taking its toll, but if we were together we certainly would NOT be abstaining.

My quick answer for this woman would be to either talk to her parents about when they can have the house to themselves once a week, or, if they just can’t do that, talk about it openly with her husband in case he has ideas about how to be creative. If you were to disappear into a bedroom for 10 minutes, most people wouldn’t notice you were gone. But if this really is impossible (and she says it is), and there is no way to be creative, then make sure this is only for a season.

Look, maybe you’ve decided as a family that you’re going to be a stay at home mom and he’s going to work–and then he loses his job. Maybe you’ve decided that as a family you’re going to homeschool–and then debt takes over.

Sometimes we’ve made decisions we think are right for the family–but clinging to them makes your marriage miserable.

Maybe it’s time to give up those dreams, just temporarily, so you can get back on your feet. Get a job to help out while your husband finds a better one. Put the kids in school so that you can work.

Maybe God has called you as a stay at home mom–but then He will provide the way for you to go back home again. Sometimes we have to temporarily make changes so that we can stay together and stay strong. It’s not a failure. It’s just adapting.

If life is going to be miserable for a time anyway, then make it as miserable as possible so that you make the period shorter. If you need to get out of debt, then it’s better to work super hard and get yourself super tired for 6 months than to drag it out for two years. We humans can do the seemingly impossible if we know there’s a time limit to it.

Living apart, working ridiculous schedules, a super stressful job–some couples can cope through this. But most can’t. And the strain takes its toll. So if you’re living in a situation which is totally unsustainable, then make plans for how to get to the point where you can change it, even if it means giving up your dreams for a few years. Get back on track. Your marriage is the rock that holds the rest of the family together. Don’t sacrifice it long-term. Make sure that your work situation allows for a good marriage. If it doesn’t, then something will eventually give–and you don’t want that to be your relationship.

What would you say to a couple who lives apart? What would you say to these women who aren’t always coping well? Let me know in the comments!

The post Reader Question: We’re Married but Living Apart! appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

Don’t Make Things More Complicated Than They Are

Let’s Start a Marriage Moment!

I’ve been trying to streamline my Friday Round-Ups, and my Facebook, and my newsletters lately.

I want to be consistent about what times I post and what I tend to post. It makes it easier for you–you know what to expect–and it makes it easier for me–I know what I’m posting.

And I’ve been experimenting with my Friday post for a while, because there are always small things I need to share with you–winners of contests, media appearances, guest posts I’ve done elsewhere, etc.

But I find these posts are too much of a hodgepodge. So I’m still going to share those things–but I’m also going to have a Marriage Moment–a 400 word update about something marriage that I’m thinking.

This is going to be hard for me–my posts tend to run 2000 words! But I’m going to try to write a 400 word pithy thing. Deep breath. You can do this, Sheila!

Now, every Friday I also like to share the biggest posts of the week here at the blog–let you know which ones really resonated, in case you missed them so that you can keep up. And often older posts start to go crazy again, too, so here’s your chance to read some of the oldies but goodies.

Here we go!

What’s #1 at To Love, Honor and Vacuum?

#1 NEW Post on the Blog: Top 10 Reasons to Get Married

#1 on the Blog Overall: Top 10 Effects of Porn on Your Brain, Your Marriage and Your Sex Life

#1 on Facebook: Marrying Later in Life

#1 on Pinterest: Stocking Stuffers for Your Husband Something tells me this is the most popular one that we are going to be having for a while.  (bookmark this for later!)

 

Marriage Moment: Don’t Make Things More Complicated

I was talking with a friend recently with a three-year-old daughter. That little girl has just started speech therapy to get rid of some bad habits. It seems that she is replacing EASY consonants with HARD consonant sounds. Certain consonants are easy for kids to learn–s, t, m. Other sounds are hard–st, g, k, etc. This girl replaces easy ones with hard ones–a very rare problem!

So sunglasses becomes sunglackes.

She makes things harder than they need to be.

Do we do that with marriage?

I often receive emails from women who are sad in their marriages because their husbands do everything wrong. How can they fix their marriage?

In Thought #2 of 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage, I suggest one specific thing: Look for things that he is doing well and thank him for those things. Try to find two a day, and say thank you!

Why? Because when you look for things he does right, you think about what he does right. When you constantly criticize and think about how miserable you are, you only notice everything he does wrong.

Because men thrive on appreciation, when they feel criticized, they withdraw. When they feel appreciated, though, they often become more affectionate in the marriage.

This honestly works! It won’t fix everything of course, but it builds such goodwill and brings the tension level down that it is often easier to discuss other issues you have.

Yet the women who honestly need to do this will listen to this advice and ignore it because they think, “Our problem is too big.”

What if changing little things could change big things?

I once heard a story about the Ritz Carlton hotel. I don’t remember all the details, but the hotel was trying to be the best in the world. So when a problem comes, they ask “Why?” seven times to get to the root cause.

In this case, rooms weren’t getting cleaned fast enough. Why? Because there weren’t enough clean towels. Why? Because they couldn’t move the dirty towels to the laundry on time. Why? Because the service elevators were clogged. Why? And so on and so on. They discovered the kitchen was getting huge deliveries at the same time the laundry needed the elevators. They changed the time of the kitchen delivery and the backlog disappeared.

A tiny change. A big difference.

Don’t make things more complicated than they are. Do the simple things. They’re not just for other people. They apply to you, too!

Check out 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage! It’s filled with small action steps that really can change the dynamic in your marriage–and make you much happier in the relationship!

See more information here.

And on TV…

I was on 100 Huntley Street yesterday! If you missed it, the episode is online! I start at around 33:30, and go for roughly 11 minutes I believe.

It’s awfully fun to have someone else do my makeup for a change….

And Maggie John, who interviewed me, said she really loved 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage! She took all these notes while reading it that she showed me, too:

Watch the episode here.

A Note for iPhone iOS 9 Users

I have an iPhone. I love my iPhone. So over the weekend I cleared it all out to conserve memory so that I could do the latest upgrade! Yay!

Turns out not so Yay after all.

The new update makes the mobile version of blogs go all wonky. And it makes emails of blogs shrink.

It’s a huge pain.

So if you get my blog via email, or if you read it on an iPhone, I’m sorry it’s like that. It really is Apple’s fault, not mine. Everything still works great on my husband’s phone who hasn’t updated, and I talked to all kinds of technical people yesterday, and it’s a problem across the board.

There is a simple solution, though. Turn the phone sideways. Then things work again!

But I know it’s a pain. And I’m sorry. I’ve been trying so hard lately to fix the mobile version of my site and to make the emails always readable, and this is just frustrating. Sigh.

On Instagram…

Monday was Canadian Thanksgiving, and my daughter Katie (our youngest!) came home for the weekend. My married daughter and her husband didn’t, so on Monday we drove Katie back to Ottawa and had Thanksgiving dinner with my daughter and son-in-law. Our nephew came along, too, to make it a big family affair, and one of the girls’ best friends joined us, too.

While the turkey was cooking we played three rounds of board games! So much more fun than a screen. Really builds family memories. If you’re looking for games you can play with your hubby, I’ve got a list of 20 2-player games here.

A round of Settlers of Catan while the turkey cooks! #canadianthanksgiving #boardgamenight

A photo posted by Sheila Gregoire (@sheilagregoire) on Oct 12, 2015 at 3:23pm PDT

Have a great weekend, everyone!

The post Don’t Make Things More Complicated Than They Are appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

Letter to Me: What I’d Say to 17-Year-Old Me

I am a complete sap for tear jerker country music songs. And now that my kids have turned me on to Apple Music, I’m listening to a whole bunch more of them everyday!

One of my favourites has always been Brad Paisley’s “To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

Wifey Wednesday: Marrying Later in Life

Marrying later in life can be such a blessing!

It’s Wednesday, the day when we talk marriage! I introduce a topic, and then you all can comment or link up your own marriage post. Today I bring you a story about God’s timing with marrying later in life from my good friend Anita Ellis.

Anita was one of the first people I got to know when I first moved to my small town. She was about my age, and we served on a praise team together at our church. Anita was always laughing, always putting others at ease, and always finding the way through the tension when different musicians started to disagree.

She’s a schoolteacher, and had an amazing way with kids. They all adored her (including my own).

But she was single. It didn’t seem to bother her, but I always wondered if she would have rather been married.

Then, a few years ago, she announced that she had met someone online. And before we knew it she had up and moved to the southern United States from cold Canada! And it is such FUN to watch her on Facebook, and to see how happy she and Richard are together. We’ve visited when they came up to say hello, and I hope to see her one day when I speak down there.

I’ve written a lot lately about the benefits of marrying young, but I thought it may be time for a different perspective. And so I asked my friend Anita to write about what it’s like to marry later in life.

I remember being asked, as a girl, when I expected to marry.

“When I’m 99,” was my reply.

I don’t think I was being flippant; I was full of plans for the future. Marriage was just never a goal for me. I saw it as something that might happen along my life’s path, but not a destination in my journey. When my siblings and most of my friends all married within months of me acquiring my teacher’s certificate, I began to wonder if perhaps I had been gifted with prophesy as a child!

As it turns out, my “prediction” was off by 56 years. At the age of 43, I stepped away from my contented single life in Canada to marry an American, and move to Arkansas, a place I would not have been able to find on a map a few years before.

Some advantages to marrying later in life

I refer to my husband as “my life’s biggest surprise”.   I never really expected to marry, and certainly never considered living anywhere but in my beloved Canada, until God tangled my life’s path with Ricci’s. And though I catch myself saying things like, “I wish we had met years ago, so that I could have loved you longer,” I know that when we met, fell in love and married were the perfect time for that. God ‘s hand was very evident to us in bringing us together. There are no regrets here. The way I see it, there are several advantages to marrying later.

When You Marry Later You Know Yourself

It amazes me to see couples marry in their early 20’s. I don’t doubt their love, or their ability to make their marriage work.

My reaction stems from the fact that I was nowhere near ready for marriage at that age. I needed to explore my own potential before I could share myself with someone else.  Taking some time to be on my own gave me the opportunity to test my limits, to challenge myself, to fail, to develop resourcefulness and independence. I learned to treasure friendships, value solitude, know God as my partner.

When I look back on who I was in my 20’s, I realize that I didn’t really know myself. I was trying to figure out who I was. I needed to come to a place where I accepted myself before I could open up my heart to someone else. It just took me longer than most!

I am still a work in progress, but the fact is I know who I am a lot better than I did in my 20’s. No doubt, this is partly due to being in my 40’s. I am more comfortable in my own skin, less concerned about what others might think, and know what I want and need so much better than I did in my 20s. I know that I can manage on my own, but am so thankful that I now walk hand in hand with someone who not only values my independence, but encourages me to continue to grow and explore new opportunities. Maturity has brought me a healthier outlook on life and the ability to contribute to our relationship in a positive way.

When You Marry Later You Get a Greater Appreciation for Marriage

Being single into my 40s meant that I needed to learn to take care of most things myself.  Good thing I was independent! I was happy to limit my home repair achievements to some minor victories over leaky toilets and furniture assembly, leaving the rest to my handyman.

I juggled all of the responsibilities of being a home owner, busy teacher, involved church member, friend and family member, on my own.   I didn’t complain; that’s just how life was. But when I married, suddenly there was someone else there to share in the daily stuff of life. We each bring our abilities and strengths to the daily grind. He can fix things, loves to work out in the yard (I still do a happy dance over that one), is great at managing finances and doesn’t blink when dealing with the encroachment of nature in the house. (Why, why, why are the insects so large in Arkansas?)

I cook, keep us organized, do a lot of the cleaning and spare him from having to set foot inside a grocery store, which apparently puts me in the category of a minor superhero. When we have tasks that are a bit onerous, when we’ve had a long day, we share the load. I think we have a deeper appreciation for what each of us contributes to our life together because we spent years trying to manage everything on our own.

Marrying Later Gave Me More Realistic Expectations

Being single for my 20’s and 30’s allowed me to get a better handle on my expectations in life. While once upon a time I may have hoped Prince Charming might eventually sweep me off to some deliriously blissful existence, having to manage on my own taught me that along with the bliss comes a whole lot of ordinary and a sprinkling of pain. As I navigated the highs and lows of my journey, I came to understand more clearly that it’s easy to share joy, but it takes a special person to stick with you through the mundane and the pain.

Maturity means that Ricci and I didn’t get caught up in unrealistic expectations of what this relationship would bring. Oh, he definitely swept me off my feet, but I didn’t expect him to complete me. I was a complete person already, though he has added so much more to my life than I could ever have imagined.

I didn’t expect married life to be all roses and Hallmark cards. We talked a lot, about everything, during our courtship. The same could not be said for when I was younger, when I was acutely aware of my failings and didn’t want anyone to know how horribly flawed I was. Now in our “middle years”, we knew what life was like, and that we needed to be sure about each other if we were to consider sharing our lives together; retirement and old age are a lot closer when you’re in your 40’s than when you’re in your 20’s! We were real with each other, at times brutally honest. We asked tough questions. We challenged each other. We prayed together. We laughed and played games together. We shared in the everyday normal stuff of life whenever we could.

Marrying Later Gave Me a Healthier Perspective

Maturity has also provided me with perspective that I would not have had twenty years ago.

I had braced myself for impact when we married, thinking of all of the stories and comments I had heard over the years from friends and family with regards to adjusting to married life.

But our transition into marriage was surprisingly smooth. We didn’t get caught up in all of the little stuff that friends assured us was so annoying. Yes, I usually have to mop up after he has done the dishes and extract his “I can still wear that” laundry from our bathroom linen closet. No, he hasn’t fully bought into “fiber is your friend”, either. But then, I’m sure that my tendency to leave my “I will deal with that later” piles on the table or continual attempts to introduce strange vegetables and foreign dishes into the menu stretch him a little too. And let’s face it, if he didn’t check up on our rather parched house plants now and then, they would be enjoying the plant afterlife in our compost pile.

The truth is, maturity has given us the gift of seeing the bigger picture, and not sweating the small stuff. At this stage in life, we have a better idea of what is really worth fighting for (or over).

We also have a keen awareness of the fragility of life. I’m not entirely sure when my joints started making those weird creaking noises, but it is my treacherous eyesight that has become my preoccupation lately. When did manufacturers start to make the eye of needles so small? Retirement savings are now very much a priority. Proper nutrition and exercise are growing concerns as we realize these bodies need care to stand the test of time, in the face of obvious signs of aging in our parents.

That youthful gift of the sense of invulnerability has been replaced with an appreciation of “today”. While we still eagerly make dreams and plans for the future, we are mindful that tomorrow holds few guarantees. This perspective has resulted in an attitude of gratitude in our marriage, of making the moments count, and of pouring the most we can into each other.

Marrying Later Helped Me Achieve Financial Know-How

Some people are naturally very good at managing money; I am not one of those individuals!

It was a long, hard road for me in my 20’s trying to keep my head above water financially. I had student loans, a car loan, credit card debt, living expenses and only a few sticks of used furniture to my name when I graduated from university; my starting salary only stretched so far.

Starting out in my career demanded so much of my time, energy and resources, there was little left for anything, or anyone, else. It took me years to be able to afford to fully furnish my little apartment and to establish myself in my career.   There is much to be said for job security and less debt.

Marrying later in life meant that we were both in a more stable place, financially. This is not at all to mean that we have money to burn, rather, we manage it much more effectively than we did in our younger adult years. We are better equipped, now, to handle those unexpected expenses that pop up. Currently, we are living on one salary while I am a full time master’s student. There is not a lot of extra money to go around, but we are in a much more secure place than we would have been 20+ years ago.

A not-so-late bloomer?

Each of us has a unique journey through this life. My own involved marrying quite a bit later than most, but I wouldn’t change a thing. I know that everything was all in God’s good timing, and nothing I experienced came as a surprise to Him. I don’t look back and wonder why it took me so very long to be ready and to find Ricci. When I look back on my life’s path, I see God’s hand leading and directing me forward in His plan for me. Marriage was a part of that plan, and it has been such a blessing.

It’s been a blessing to stand on the sidelines and watch God work in Anita’s life, too!

All of this is to say that there isn’t a perfect time to get married–there’s only God’s time. I think in our wider culture we discourage early marriages too much. But perhaps in our Christian culture we make people feel badly if they don’t marry early. I do think we need to raise kids to be ABLE to marry young–but let’s never assume that that is God’s plan for everyone. God’s timing is great, and ultimately it’s all about Him.

Now it’s your turn! Do you have any marriage thoughts for us today? Link up the URL of your own marriage post in the linky below! It’s a great way of getting traffic. And then be sure to link back here so other people can read these great marriage posts!

Marriage isn't supposed to be blah!


Sex is supposed to be stupendous--physically, emotionally, AND spiritually.

If it's not, get The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex--and find out what you've been missing.

The post Wifey Wednesday: Marrying Later in Life appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

Top 10 Reasons to Get Married

Are there good reasons to get married? Or is marriage just an outdated institution?

I recently received this question from a young reader:

You’ve probably read that millennials really don’t feel the need to marry. I know this is a pro-marriage blog, but what would you say to those who just think marriage is outdated, pointless, and really only about God “approving” a sex life? With all the definitions of marriage changing (like gay marriage, etc), why does it even matter to be married anymore? As you well know through your blog readers, most marriages are unhappy (and saturated with adultery, porn, sexless, abusive) because everyone goes into them believing you can be in love with and sexually attracted to the same person your whole life. I just don’t know that it’s realistic no matter how much everyone wants it to be. So should we as Christians be striving to be more like Jesus and Paul instead of wasting time worried about sex drives and kids and not dying alone?

That sounds like my kind of challenge: showing people that marriage IS worth it!

She’s saying that since marriage is so awful, wouldn’t it be better for Christians to focus just on ministry rather than marriage and motherhood?

If God calls you to that–sure! But I don’t think God calls most people to be single.

So here we go, for Top 10 Tuesday: my Top 10 reasons to get married. Please share yours in the comments, too!

1. Most marriages are happy

Despite what our reader may see around her, despite what our news media says, despite the startling number of celebrity divorces–most marriages are quietly happy. In fact, here’s what Shaunti Feldhahn found when she did her research for her book, The Good News About Marriage:

When Shaunti asks people, “What percentage of couples do you think are happy in their marriage today? Not perfect, but not just so-so roommates either?”, she has never had anyone answer higher than 50%.

And younger people tend to answer lower.

The answer is 80%.

That’s right–80% of couples rate their marriages as happy. Surveys consistently find that between 92 and 95% of currently married people would marry the same person again.

And the divorce rate? It’s nowhere near 50%. It never has been. The divorce rate for first marriages is around 28%, and for Christians it’s between 25 and 50% lower than that. So for Christians, the real divorce rate is around 15-20%.

(I’m quite passionate that people need to understand that–read Shaunti’s book for all the reseach. Let’s get the word out about the real divorce rate!)

The idea that marriages are miserable and failing is a cultural myth. It is simply not true.

Think marriage makes people miserable? 10 Reasons That's Wrong!
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2. Marriage is most people’s greatest source of happiness

Not only are most people happy; most people, when asked “what is your greatest source of happiness?”, answer “my marriage.”

So if most people are happy, and most people would rank their marriage as their greatest source of happiness, why would you risk missing out on that because you believe a lie that our culture tells us that marriage is miserable?

3. We grow when we’re married

Just because something takes work and there are ups and downs and there are times when we are angry and times when we are lonely does not mean that marriage is bad. In fact, I think marriage is far more powerful because it takes work.

When I married I couldn’t hide my selfishness anymore. I couldn’t hide my pride. Someone else knew everything about me–and quite frequently it was my selfishness and pride that was the roadblock to real marital bliss.

So why did God make marriage? Maybe it was to make us more like Him!

4. We were born to want to be with someone else

When God created us, He created us for community. He said, “It is not good for man to be alone.” (Genesis 2:18).

I just finished reading Debra Fileta’s True Love Dates, which is a great book. I’ll be talking about it more later, but at one point she’s discussing the guilt that we often put on single people, telling them, “You need to let God meet all your needs.” Sort of the “let Jesus be your boyfriend” mentality. Here’s what Deb says:

Your longing for an intimate relationship with another person is something you were created to feel. It doesn’t mean that you are unholy or that you haven’t let Jesus fill your heart the way he should. It means you’re human, created in the image of God, a God who loves, who connects, and who longs for relationship himself.

Jesus can never be your boyfriend or girlfriend because we was never intended to be. A significant part of your heart was designed specifically for just him, but there is a part of your heart that was designed specifically for others.

Some people are called to be single; absolutely. 1 Corinthians 7 clearly says that if we are content to be single, we should be–in order to dedicate our lives to serving God wholeheartedly. But most people are not called to be single. And we were created with this intimate longing to be with other people. That longing is not bad. And marriage is the vehicle that God made to fill that longing.

5. You have someone who KNOWS every story

It is such a blessing to walk through life with someone who knows everything about you. Sure, it makes you more vulnerable. But it also means that you have inside jokes. You have someone who understands your pain. You have someone who simply notices you.

I think this is one of the most powerful statements on marriage in any movie, from Shall We Dance:

6. Great sex in marriage is God’s design

Certainly some people can turn off their sex drives, sublimate their sexual energy into service for God’s kingdom, and live a fulfilling single life.

But God did give us sex drives.

And His design is for great sex in marriage. In fact, that’s how great sex works! Sex is supposed to be intimate physically, emotionally, and spiritually. And here’s the neat thing: the more spiritually and emotionally close we feel, the more the physical kicks in and the more sex feels great.

That doesn’t mean it starts out great. In the research I did for The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, only 20% of women had “good” wedding nights. But by years 16-20 in marriage, things are really rocking for most of us!

Married, Christian women have better sex than single women–or even married women who aren’t believers.

We may not start out great, but as we get to know each other better and become more vulnerable with each other, sex gets much better.

So don’t believe the lie that we can be sexually incompatible. Great sex just takes work–and that’s part of how marriage makes us more Christlike, too!

7. Marriage opens up doors for ministry

Of course when we’re single we can do things for God that would be much harder when we’re married–and perhaps almost impossible if we’re parents. A close friend of mine was involved with rescuing child soldiers in an African country I won’t name. He couldn’t have done this had he not been single.

But that doesn’t mean that only single people can do ministry! The apostle Peter, after all, was married (and his wife was crucified with him). Priscilla and Aquila are an example of a couple who evangelized together.

Marriage opens up doors for ministry because sometimes you need to be a team.

My husband and I have been on missions trips to Africa together. We’ve led a youth group. We’ve led a ministry at church. We’ve taught Sunday school. We’ve spoken at marriage conferences. We’ve spoken at parenting conferences. We’ve done a ton together.

But we’ve also done a ton separately. And now he’s the one driving our RV while I speak around North America, because there is no way that I would drive that thing!

We’re all called to ministry, whether we’re single or married. Sometimes people read 1 Corinthians 7 and think that it means that only single people dedicate their lives to God. Not true! Married people can serve as well, and often in places where a team really is necessary.

8. You have someone to share the load

Parents get older and need care. The furnace breaks down and somebody has to be there to let the repair guy in. You slip on ice and break your foot and you can’t make meals or do laundry for six weeks.

Life is easier with another person alongside you.

When you’re in your twenties you don’t realize this as much. But as you get older and health problems come, and you own a home, and your parents start to get older–you realize how much being part of a team is easier than trying to do it all yourself.

9. Having children is the greatest blessing of most people’s lives

Do some kids rebel and make your life miserable? Sure. But most kids don’t rebel.

Just like we believe the lie that all marriages are miserable, we often believe the lie, too, that parenthood makes you chronically tired, miserable, and heartbroken.

Sure there are busy seasons. Sure it’s expensive. Sure it takes a ton of your time. But if you ask parents what their greatest source of joy is, they’ll tell you it’s their family. Even though it makes them tired, costs them a fortune, and makes them worry.

So there must be something there other than just the work. And there is! It’s the simple joy of being a mother.

Don’t discount parenthood because people around you seem to be frazzled. If they would do it again–if they keep having kids–there must be something profound that is worth all that work. And there is!

10. Marriage Is a Miracle

Finally, let’s explore this letter writer’s assumptions just a bit more. She believes that marriage makes you miserable. That addictions and adultery are inevitable. That life with one person is impossible.

But if that were true, then we would expect married people to show detrimental signs, and single people to be better off.

The opposite is true. Married people do better on every scale.

In the book The Case for Marriage, Linda Waite and Maggie Gallagher lay out all the research on marriage, and show that it has tremendous benefits.

For men, getting married has the equivalent health bonus of quitting smoking. It adds years to your life.

Getting married also drastically reduces mental health problems. You’re healthier. You report higher rates of happiness and lower rates of depression. Your kids do better on every scale. You live longer. You make more money. You have a lower chance of heart attacks and strokes.

In short, marriage is a miracle.

So why get married? Because it’s one of the greatest gifts that God ever gave us.

That doesn’t mean it doesn’t take work. It doesn’t mean you don’t have to be careful who you marry. It doesn’t mean that every marriage will be wonderful.

But it does mean that marriage, as an institution, is worth it.

Just because our society has muddied the waters when it comes to marriage does not mean that we should throw it out. On the contrary! Why would we miss out on one of God’s greatest blessings just because our culture has made it seem ugly?

I have not always been happy in my marriage. The first few years were tough. The last few years have been a hard slog. But I can tell you that my life is richer because I am married. I am a less selfish person because I am married. I have a bigger ministry because I am married. I have so much joy because I am married–and because I am a mom. And yes, I’m even sexually satisfied because I am married! So don’t believe everything out culture tells us. Believe what you know is true.

God made something beautiful for us. Let’s never dismiss it.

What do you think? What are some of the reasons to get married that you think are key? Let me know in the comments!

Marriage isn't supposed to be blah!


Sex is supposed to be stupendous--physically, emotionally, AND spiritually.

If it's not, get The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex--and find out what you've been missing.

 

 

 

The post Top 10 Reasons to Get Married appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

Some of My Favourite Things

It’s Canadian Thanksgiving today! We’ve had Katie, our youngest, home with us all weekend, and today my husband and I (and our nephew) are driving Katie back to school, where we’re going to join my oldest daughter and my son-in-law for Thanksgiving dinner. Rebecca’s putting the turkey in the oven, and then we’re cooking the rest of it together when I get there!

I’m also a little bit under the weather–I’m fighting a cold.

So I thought that today instead of writing a long post I’d share some of my favourite things I’ve found around the web recently–including one that I wrote! So here goes:

Your Husband Can’t Make You Happy

I’ve got an article up at Today’s Christian Woman on how God didn’t design your husband to make you happy–although you can have a VERY happy marriage!

I explain the difference here.

The Case for Marrying Young

Later this week I’ll be sharing the story of a very good friend of mine who got married LATER in life. But I read this article and I thought her case for marrying young was really interesting.

Personally, I don’t think we should set an age for marrying–I think we should follow after God and let Him lead. Here’s a graphic I created that sums up my philosophy:

But because I think it should be up to God I also think that we shouldn’t badmouth young marriages so much.

So I really liked this article from The Atlantic. Here’s what the author is saying (in my own words):

We often think of marriage like a “capstone”, that crowning glory of your adulthood that is the pinnacle of growing up. You do all of this stuff first, and then you get married to cap it all off. But what if marriage is more like a “cornerstone”, that foundation so that you marry and then you grow together?

I like that way of thinking about it.

Read it here.

15 Tips to Make Parenting Easier

Sarah Titus shared a post recently to her 15 favourite tips to make parenting easier. I was delighted to have been included in it! And I really like her round-up–it covers everything from how to stop your kids whining to how to stop yelling to how to handle kids when they’re bored.

Check it out here!

A Commercial That Made Me Cry

This has been making the rounds on Facebook, but is it ever sweet! I love it. It’s been a long time since a commercial made me tear up:

Fish Don’t Have Fingernails–My Thoughts on Abortion

I’ve been going through some older posts lately and I found this one I wrote on abortion a few years ago. It still means a lot to me.

We were pressured to abort our son who had the heart defect (he passed away as a baby). I’ve always been so grateful that we didn’t. We got to be his parents, and we got to grieve in the open, and it was tragic but it was just LIFE. I can’t imagine how much sadder an abortion would have been, with all the “what if” questions.

Read the article here.

I’m Heading Off to Be with My Whole Family!

And I’m happy. Some of these articles have been heavy that I’ve shared–sorry about that. But I’m so excited to be with my whole family again! It’s been six weeks since we’ve all been together, so today is a blessing.

I hope you all enjoy your day, too–even if it’s just a normal Monday.

Be blessed!

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On Being Transparent

How necessary is transparency in our witness?

I want to talk about that a little bit today in my Friday Round-Up!

Every Friday I like to share the biggest posts of the week here at the blog–let you know which ones really resonated, in case you missed them so that you can keep up. And often older posts start to go crazy again, and many of you haven’t been reading this blog that long and may have missed some of those older ones! So here’s your chance to read some of the oldies but goodies.

And today I also want to talk about authenticity and how we point people to God.

So here we go!

What’s #1 at To Love, Honor and Vacuum?

#1 NEW Post on the Blog: Do Stay at Home Moms Have to Do All The Housework?

#1 on the Blog Overall: Top 10 Ways to Initiate Sex

#1 on Facebook: Why We Grew Apart (I was really vulnerable here!)

#1 on Pinterest: Why I Didn’t Rebel (a post my daughter wrote when she was 19)

On Transparency and Authenticity

On Tuesday I published a post asking, “Do too many people in our society think a good marriage is a pipe dream?” In other words, have young women given up on the idea of finding a good guy and getting married? I think many have, because they’ve never seen it. And then when they see pictures of happy young wives, it must look like something totally alien to them–“that could never be me.” So I asked–how do we show people that it is possible? How do we integrate people into the church?

I had a few commenters say, “we as Christians should stop portraying the perfect Christian family–stop putting those perfect pictures up on Facebook because they turn people off.”

Then on Thursday Meredith Carr wrote a guest post for me called “An Answer to the ICK“–all about what to do when you’re a stay at home mom and you get grumpy. She described a grumpy day and then pointed people back to Christ in the middle of it.

I had a commenter questioning whether it was right to portray motherhood as so bad, because it turns people off of motherhood.

I just thought that was funny–I’m getting criticized from both sides. One side says we shouldn’t show the happy side of family life and one side says we shouldn’t show the frustratingly grumpy side of family life!

Here’s what I think: we should be real. That’s it. Just be real! We should show all sides of life!

The two young women I referenced in Tuesday’s post who took that picture of their twin baby bumps on Facebook were being real (I know them in real life; they both do have good marriages and they’re both very happy). Meredith on Thursday was also being real.

All we can do is be real.

When we try to portray something other than what we are, we lose our authenticity.

And it is our authenticity that brings people to Christ.

Yes, there is a principle of appealing to people where they are at. In 1 Corinthians 9:20-22, Paul writes:

20 To the Jews I became like a Jew, to win the Jews. To those under the law I became like one under the law (though I myself am not under the law), so as to win those under the law. 21 To those not having the law I became like one not having the law (though I am not free from God’s law but am under Christ’s law), so as to win those not having the law. 22 To the weak I became weak, to win the weak. I have become all things to all people so that by all possible means I might save some.

However, what he is talking about there is primarily a cultural thing–a whether or not to eat certain meats thing. When he’s with Jews he acts like a Jew so as to not offend. When he’s with Gentiles he acts like a Gentile. We should try to appeal to the culture.

But we should not do that by changing who we are. People long for authenticity, and people want to know what God has done in our lives. We can’t share that unless we also share our need for Him. We must be authentic.

It’s funny, but last Wednesday night I had a totally different idea of what I was going to write for my post last Thursday. I was going to do something on getting out of a rut in the bedroom or something. But I just felt like I was supposed to be vulnerable, and so I wrote a really long post describing some of the troubles Keith and I have had over the last three and a half years.

That post resonated so much, and I’ve received so many emails from it! I just shared that sometimes we struggle too.

Then I saw this review of 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage, written by The Forgiven Wife:

I was very transparent in my new book. I did share a lot of the personal struggles I’ve had in the last few years (which have been rough). And I shared what God showed me through that. If you haven’t read it yet, here are links to everywhere you can get it.

The long and the short of it: I still am grieved by the problem I posted on Tuesday, about how to reach our culture and show our culture that a good marriage is still possible. But I don’t think the answer is EVER to stop being who we are. If anything, we should become more transparent. As we are transparent, people tend to see Jesus. In the words of John the Baptist,

He must become greater; I must become less. (John 3:30)

Want to Be Part of My Girl Talk Tour?

I’m booking now for my Girl Talk tours for this year, and I have some openings! Girl Talk is such a fun night when I come in to your church and give a talk for women about marriage, sex and intimacy. There’s also an anonymous Q&A period which is always the highlight of the night. If your church wants to be a part, all you have to do is email my assistant Tammy for more information.

November 5-16: North/South Carolina and Georgia

January 9-16: Florida/Georgia/Alabama/Louisiana

February 1-9: Texas

March 8-11: Colorado

Late March: Eastern Seaboard

April 16-20: Alberta

June: Maritime provinces

Next year I’m hitting the west and the heartland (California, Oregon, Washington, the Dakotas, Oklahoma, etc.) But this year that’s where I’ll be! A few of those dates are almost all booked up, but I do have some openings still.

To host a Girl Talk is so easy–we do basically all the work. And we suggest a $10 ticket which usually covers the vast majority of the cost. So it’s a great event for a church to put on, which also works really well as a women’s outreach!

If you want to be a part, email Tammy!

My Baby Girl Comes Home Tonight!

My daughter Katie has been away at university for the last six weeks. That’s the longest I’ve ever gone without seeing her in our lives–although we still talk everyday. And this weekend is Canadian Thanksgiving, so she’s on her way home! I’m so excited!

My older daughter and her husband aren’t coming home, but we’re heading up Monday to make turkey dinner for everybody, so we’ll see them, too. Yay!

If you want to see Katie at university, here’s one of the videos she made last month about how she has no idea what she’s doing:

And on Instagram…

Here’s my top post of the week:

Let’s reclaim sex! It’s supposed to be intimate and beautiful–not just down and dirty for people shaped like models. Don’t let our culture steal your joy in marriage! #marriage

A photo posted by Sheila Gregoire (@sheilagregoire) on Oct 8, 2015 at 7:15am PDT

Have a great weekend, everyone!

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The Answer to the ICK–When Grumpiness Lurks

Ever come to the end of a day and wonder, “how did I get so grumpy”?

Today’s guest post is from Meredith Carr from Oceans Deep. She writes great stuff about seeing God in the midst of life with little ones! And today she’s going to give us an answer to the “ick”–that grumpiness we all feel sometimes.

Recently, my husband and I had a “mountaintop” kind of weekend, where we were alive and vibrant with stimulating spiritual conversation. It was the type of moment you wish could carry on in perpetuity! And, for this tired stay-at-home mama, such refreshing fellowship with other adults was a very welcomed reprieve from the difficult “conversations” with my toddlers and the constant Sesame Street soundtrack playing in my mind. So on Monday morning, I was on guard after such a great weekend, certain that the enemy would be on high alert to steal my joy, kill my hope, and destroy my vision.

Yup. Mission accomplished.

Girlfriend, it was a day.

Kids crying. Kids whining. Kids fighting. There was no shortage of spit up and messy meals and poo. I got poo on my shirt and didn’t even change it, because I was just that—I don’t know—worn out, I suppose. The thought of making one more trip up those stairs simply didn’t seem worth it. So I wiped it as best I could and went on.

I was half way through my Costco shopping trip before I caught a glimpse of the Greek yogurt finger-painting on my new Capri pants, the creative work of my 1-year-old daughter. No wonder I got so many interesting looks!

The day went from bad to worse as the impact of my 2-year-old’s refusal to nap blossomed into a full-on tantrum meltdown of epic proportions. To top it all off, on Monday evenings my husband attends a men’s group—so he basically drops in long enough to eat the dinner I’ve miraculously managed to prepare in between refereeing “toy gate,” then swoops out to enjoy calm, mature adult conversation, conveniently missing the bedtime shenanigans.

Sigh.

I’m dismayed and discouraged by the chaotic state of my house, but more so by the messy state of my heart.

I feel an edge of bitterness, resentment, and under-appreciation; basically, the makings of a legit pity party. How is it that the pity party mentality is so unattractive in others, yet so appealing when it comes to ourselves?

I’m trying to fight it. Trying to fight the emotion, the lies, the pride, and the frustration. It’s what I call collectively “The Ick.” Ick is a very (non)scientific term that includes any and all emotion, feeling, juju, etc., which leaves us feeling grumpy, disconnected, and distanced from our Heavenly Father. When it hits, I feel as though I’ve taken a wrong turn and slipped right down the rabbit hole, and I’m powerless to shake free from the dark cloud swirling above my head.

I can’t stand this feeling and the way it permeates every aspect of my day, turning my joy into emptiness.

The juxtaposition of my weekend and weekday has me screaming inside, what is the solution? What is the answer to The Ick? I long to steer my heart back on track after it’s taken this kind of downturn, or avoid it altogether!

Can you relate? If so, here are some tools God is teaching me to implement whenever I feel The Ick coming on:

Put yourself in time out.

Metaphorically speaking, that is! Isn’t it staggering what parenthood teaches us about ourselves and about God? Seemingly every week I’m learning something new, having some fresh “aha” moment on account of my little ones. In my experience, “time out” has just as much relevance for adults as it does for recalcitrant toddlers. I’m forming the habit of putting myself into time out whenever I find my heart being drug away from steadiness and sanity because of The Ick. But rather than sulking in the pack-and-play, I take this time out sitting humbly and desperately at the feet of Jesus.

Is grumpiness lurking? Sometimes all you can do, dear momma, is put YOURSELF in time out!
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Psalm 142:1-2 says,

I cry aloud to the LORD; I lift up my voice to the LORD for mercy. I pour out before Him my complaint; before Him I tell my trouble. (NIV).

The idea of “pouring out my complaint” always sounded good on paper, but it felt a bit silly in practice . . . with people starving to death and war tearing lives and bodies apart, does God really have time for the things shaking up my spirit? Again, parenthood provides wisdom: have you ever once looked at your hurting child and thought, there are so many bigger problems in the world right now, I simply don’t have time to deal with your problem? Of course not!

And the same is true of our Heavenly Father. I’ve been awestruck at the peace I’ve gained by running to Him and telling Him all the things—big and small—that hurt my heart and threaten to take my joy. Steal away for a few minutes anywhere you can—the closet, the bathroom, the stairwell at work—and air you grievances to your Heavenly Father. He cares, and He alone can provide the peace you really need!

Put yourself in God’s Word.

Probably the best way I’ve found to shake off The Ick is by immersing myself in God’s word. I used to think this had to be a long, drawn-out, monk-like process of sitting quietly for a significant period of time. Well, who besides monks has time for that?

And the great news is, a large block of time isn’t necessary. Sometimes I’m up early enough that I can spend longer in His Word, and I’m thankful for those times. But, taking even 10-15 minutes to read Scripture can make all the difference. I feel tongue-tied trying to explain the innate, surprising power of Scripture to change a hardened heart, but therein lies the mysterious working of the Holy Spirit: the words of the Bible are not like any other words on this planet.

Hebrews 4:12 says,

For the word of God is alive and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart. (NIV, emphasis added).

When we read God’s word, our mere mortal beings collide with the spirit world. We can’t help but be changed by such an encounter. In my experience, even reading “dry” Old Testament passages sends the joy of the Holy Spirit bubbling up to the surface. The Bible is God’s love letter to us, and we will feel that love when reading it.

If you’re new or newer to Bible reading, or short on time, the Psalms are a great place to find encouragement. In them, I often discover a reflection of my own troubled spirit. How encouraging to know that even King David—the man after God’s own heart—cried out,

To you I call, O LORD my Rock; do not turn a deaf ear to me . . . Hear my cry for mercy as I call to you for help, as I lift up my hands toward your Most Holy Place. (Psalm 28:1a, 2 NIV).

I prefer diving into God’s word first thing in the morning, but let’s be honest—that isn’t always possible with little ones underfoot!

For the first several months of her life, my daughter decided it would be fun wake up and get her day going at 5 am. In that season, my quiet times looked a little different, and I learned the value of finding time whenever and wherever you can.

One option that works well for me is right after breakfast, when my kiddos are nice and full. I’ll pull out that “special” toy—you know, the one that seems to occupy them like no other. For us, it’s usually the massive bag of blocks. When I hear all those blocks hit the floor, I know I’ll have the next 15 minutes or so of uninterrupted reading time.

Another option is to read while your children nap. Even if your children no longer necessarily sleep during the day, you could institute an in-room “quiet rest time” for them—and you’ll both reap the benefits!

Finally, spending time in the Word just before bed is a great option in the busy season of mothering babies and toddlers.

Oftentimes, this is the only moment of quiet my home sees all day. And when I’m feeling beat up by a particularly challenging day, my soul finds much welcomed refreshment by digging into God’s Word.

However you find the time, let Scripture wash over you, and be amazed at what God can do!

Have trouble finding time to read Scripture? I’ve got a post on 9 ways to snatch time with God during the day right here!

Stop, drop, and give thanks.

The transformative power of giving thanks never ceases to amaze me. As Ann Voskamp describes in “One Thousand Gifts,” we need to spend time cultivating a “language of thanksgiving.” As sinful, fallen beings, our default setting is not one of gratitude, but rather of the “why me?” and “this isn’t fair!” kind. Through a deliberate, concerted effort to give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus (1 Thessalonians 5:18 NIV), we can begin to learn the new language of thankfulness, and to see God’s good hand in everything that touches our lives.

When I’m caught in the clutches of The Ick, the last thing I want to do is name off things for which I’m thankful. I mean, the last. Recently, my sweet husband Aaron innocently asked me to name something positive in my day. It was his good-natured attempt at pulling me out of my funk, yet in the moment, this request incensed me! I can laugh about it now, because when I stopped and thought about the day and actually named something out loud, I felt my frigid heart begin to melt. And in my experience, the hardest part is taking the first step—once I name a gift, then two, then three, the gratitude ball begins rolling. It’s like finding your glasses after they’ve been knocked off your face. You can finally see again.

I hope these tools will prove useful for you the next time The Ick strikes. I’m finding this process incredibly simple, yet deceptively difficult. But practice makes perfect, as the saying goes. And in the daily grind of life, I’m certain there will be no shortage of opportunities!

Meredith Carr is a “Georgia peach”, but these days she calls Northern California my home. She’s a wife, a mother, a recovering attorney, and above all, a follower of Jesus.

She’s also a writer, and she blogs at Oceans Deep, where she pursues the passion she’s had for the written world since childhood. Visit her there!

 

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