Sheila Wray Gregoire's Blog, page 169
December 15, 2015
10 Things I Can’t Live Without at Christmas
Christmas is a most magical time of year! And every family has its own Christmas traditions.
Sometimes you don’t even realize that they’re traditions–they’re just things you DO that you assume that everyone else does, too!
Well, this year I’ve been rethinking all my Christmas traditions because we have a new member of the family–my son-in-law.
And so for the last month or so I’ve been thinking, “Oh, won’t it be fun when we do this with Connor!”, or “Oh, I wonder what Connor will think of that!”
Today, then, I thought I’d share with you 10 things I can’t live without on Christmas, because they say, “Christmas as our family.”
1. The Best Christmas Pageant Ever
This little 80-page book is the best Christmas book ever. And it makes you see Christmas in a whole new way!
My aunt read it out loud for several Christmases in a row to my cousins and me when I was a child. I still remember rolling on the floor laughing. My cousin Danielle had to reread it as a teenager, because she always claimed that her mother was laughing so hard at the funny parts that she missed half of the jokes.
When my girls were 7 and 5 we read it out loud for the first time, and it became a Christmas Eve tradition.
Here’s the back cover:
The Herdmans are the worst kids in the history of the world. They lie, steal, smoke cigars, swear, and hit little kids. So no one is prepared when this outlaw family invades church one Sunday and decides to take over the annual Christmas pageant.
None of the Herdmans has ever heard the Christmas story before. Their interpretation of the tale — the Wise Men are a bunch of dirty spies and Herod needs a good beating — has a lot of people up in arms. But it will make this year’s pageant the most unusual anyone has seen and, just possibly, the best one ever.
The book is narrated by a normal girl from a normal family who has always done Christmas pageants at her normal church. But when this “horrible” family of “horrible” kids decides it wants to be part of the pageant (because they heard there were free donuts), suddenly everyone gets a new vision of the drama and amazement of Christmas. And it’s great.
It takes about an hour and a half to read out loud (longer if you just can’t stop laughing), and we’re going to do that on Christmas Eve again, with everyone sipping hot chocolate.
Check out the book here.
2. The Church Service
After reading the book out loud, we’ll head to church for a candlelight service. Usually someone in my family (or all of my family) is involved in some way, either with singing or with a skit. One year I led worship; several years Katie did a solo. The girls have both done skits. This year none of us is scheduled for anything, so we don’t have to be there early and we don’t have to practice. We just get to show up, hold our candle, and sing. I’m looking forward to it!
3. Christmas Stockings
A few years ago I knit Christmas stockings for every member of our family. I just love them! And so this year I have to get busy and knit another one for Connor.
I do stockings often bigger than actual presents. I love filling stockings–and if you’re looking for some stocking stuffer ideas for your husband, I have a ton of them (it’s actually my most viral post ever). And I’ve even got some sexy stocking stuffer ideas (though you’ll have to open that in private.) 
4. Board Games
Boxing Day and December 27 are family days–and we mostly play board games all day. Especially now that I only get my girls (and my son-in-law) home at holidays, those family days are even more important.
I’ve written about my favourite board games for 2 players, and many of them work for more than 2 players, too. Here are three of our current favourites:
It’s kind of a card game–but you can learn the game super fast, it takes about 30 minutes, and the best thing is that there is an umpteen number of combinations you can play. You have more card types than you actually need, so you can switch different cards in and out to give the game a whole lot of different scenarios. We love it–here we are learning the game for the first time about 5 years ago.
It’s based on the seven wonders of the world, but you can play with 4-7 players, and the game changes with the number of players. I really do love this one, too!
When the girls were smaller and strategy games were harder, we started with Bohnanza, a fun game where you collect “beans”. I know it’s weird, but you can barter, and some beans (like cocoa beans) are worth more than others (like blue beans). And there are also stink beans in there, too!
It’s easy for kids to understand, and adults love it, too.
Then, of course, there’s Settlers of Catan and Ticket to Ride, all of which we also enjoy.
My girls have three ACTUAL cousins from Keith’s side of the family (as opposed to all the “cousins” they have from my best friend), and this year they’ve all decided that instead of buying Christmas presents for each other, since they’re all broke students, they’re going to create an annual Christmas memory. So on December 23 they’re getting together for a 10 am-10 pm board game tournament. I love it!
10 Family Traditions That Make Christmas Real to Us. What are Yours?
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5. The Bible Story
At Christmas dinner we read the Bible story from Luke 2:1-20.
I like to start Christmas dinner with candlelight and the story.
6. My Cousin’s Chocolate Cake
One thing I’ve never really done at Christmas was a lot of baking. I enjoy baking–but maybe it’s just because I’m always so busy before Christmas I don’t have a lot of time to bake. Besides, my mother-in-law will anyway!
And there’s always someone who’s trying to lose weight (or at least not gain a ton), so I don’t like having a ton of sweets on hand.
But my cousin’s chocolate cake is amazing. And I can’t live without it.
Thankfully, many members of my family like pumpkin pie, and my aunt is bringing her pumpkin pie to Christmas dinner. I’m all for that, because it means there’s more chocolate cake for me! (honestly, who would choose pumpkin pie when chocolate is available? I’m embarrassed that they’re my family.)
7. Our “Second” and “Third” Family
Because we live in the same town as both my in-laws and my mom, we have two family Christmas dinners. But we also get together with my best friend and her family for Boxing Day breakfast. Here are her kids probably eight years ago–we’ve been doing this a long time:
The best part is that she’s also a foster parent, so each year there are different kids at Christmas breakfast. It seems perfectly natural to us, but I don’t know how Connor is going to keep it all straight.
And sometimes she adopts one so they stick around–and become flower girls.
But Christmas dinner with my side of the family has usually involved various “extras”, too–friends who don’t have family in town and who would otherwise be alone on Christmas. It makes dinner more interesting! So Connor’s in for a whole lot of family–and a whole lot of meeting people that we aren’t, technically, related to.
Speaking of family that we’re not technically related to, my best friend’s oldest daughter, Mickaula (the same one from above), is now almost 16, and she was one of Rebecca’s bridesmaids. I still think this is one of my favourite pics from the wedding. Katie captioned it, “I protect my cousins. #ewwww #cooties”:
8. The Hallelujah Chorus
I love the Hallelujah Chorus. I can’t listen to it without tears in my eyes and wanting to jump up and down all at the same time.
It was said that when King George II heard the music for the first time, he was so moved he stood to his feet, and ever since then it’s been tradition that when the Hallelujah Chorus is played as part of the Messiah, people will stand.
But as wonderful as it is and as majestic as it is, this is still one of my favourite versions of it–so clever and amazing! So we usually watch this every Christmas, and then, of course, have the music playing in the background at other times:
9. Something Cute and Flirty and Santa Like
Okay, maybe this is TMI, but I do like flirty Santa lingerie for Christmas Eve! It’s nice to keep Christmas memorable in your marriage, too. But you’ll have to read more about that here. I’m trying to keep this one family friendly.
10. Harvest of Hope Catalogue
One thing that isn’t a big part of our Christmas is presents. Oh, sure, I give presents, and I have a system, too. I call it my Gold, Frankincense, and Myrrh gifts: Something they need, something they want, and something to nurture their spiritual side. Everybody gets three things, and sometimes those gifts aren’t huge. But I like the emphasis on something for their spirit, too.
But when I think “Christmas”, my mind doesn’t immediately go to presents. My mind goes to spending time together as a family and to all our family traditions.
One of our big ones is the Harvest of Hope catalogue put out by Partners International. It’s one of those catalogues where you can buy chickens for a family in the Third World, or a bicycle for a missionary in Cambodia, or a sewing machine for a woman heading up a family in Laos. You can pay for a girl who is at risk of being sold into the sex trade to go to school. And you can build wells for villages, too.
My husband and I like to pore over the catalogue on the 29th or 30th, before the end of the year, so that we can make some last minute donations.
One year we bought a well for a village in Liberia and promptly forgot about it, because you don’t expect to ever hear back.
Then, in late November of the following year, I received a phone call from Partners International. A bishop from Liberia was visiting Canada and wanted to meet with us. I picked a day that my husband wasn’t too busy and we took the girls, who were about 12 and 10 at the time, to Swiss Chalet for lunch with the bishop and the guy from Partners. And we learned the rest of the story.
At the time Liberia had been in a civil war for 16 years. There was no infrastructure. People had fled to the jungles. The war was now over, but the country was decimated.
The team came in and built the well, and when it was done the whole village came out for a ceremony.
The bishop said,
I told them, ‘A family from Canada, we don’t know who they are, built this well for you. They don’t know who you are, either. But God does. And God told that family to build this well because God cares desperately about you. He wants you to have clean water, but He wants you to have clean hearts, too.’
I shared the gospel with them, and everyone in that village accepted Christ that day.
The well was built six months ago. Usually in that village 10 children die every year from dysentery. So far this year, no one has died.
I listened to that story in Swiss Chalet, and Rebecca was bawling, and I started crying, too. Because I thought, if I do nothing else in this life, I have built that well. And that matters.
You can find out more about the Harvest of Hope catalogue here.
I find it amazing that today, when news has broken that ISIS has ordered the suffocation of children with Down Syndrome, that Harvest of Hope gives you the opportunity to give therapy to someone with Down Syndrome. What a difference Jesus makes!
And to me, that’s why Christmas matters. We have a chance to take a step back and remember how wonderful family is. We can rejoice anew in the Christmas story and see it with fresh eyes. And we can share the joy of Christmas with those we don’t even know.
So I am excited, and I hope Connor knows what he’s in for.
What about you? What are some of your Christmas traditions? Let me know in the comments!
The post 10 Things I Can’t Live Without at Christmas appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.
December 14, 2015
Why I Spent a Week with My Hubby!
And it was WONDERFUL. We just relaxed and ate a ton (well, I ate more than he did. He was very disciplined and actually gained no weight. I gained 4 pounds, which is about average for me on cruises). And I read about 8 books, 3 of which I’m going to try to tell you all about at some point because they changed my life again. That’s three life changes in just one week! That’s a good ratio.
I didn’t tell you a whole lot about the cruise before I left because I feel like that’s the same as putting a neon sign above my house saying, “Hey! We’re empty for a whole week! Come rob us!” (Though the house isn’t empty; a friend of ours is renovating the basement so my mom can move in. Mom’s perfectly healthy; it’s not a health thing. It’s just a financial/convenience thing. With Keith and me gone in the RV so much it makes more sense for her to live here so there’s always someone here. And it’s a lot cheaper for everyone!)
Anyway, we went with my mother and my aunt, and my aunt and Keith are both big birdwatchers. Mom and I enjoy it, too, but we’re not crazy. They’re a little crazy–they’ll go out when it’s raining and in the blazing sun, while Mom and I like to just enjoy being out in nature. But the four of us had a lot of fun!
The first bird we saw was actually off of the side of the ship, gliding along the water. It’s one of those birds that lives in the middle of the ocean, rather than on land.
Keith and I are eating and he looks out the window and sees a spec of something, so he rushes down to our cabin to get his binoculars and his camera. And when I say camera, I mean CAMERA. Here’s a pic of him with it on Grand Turk (he was trying to get a picture of a yellow crowned night heron that’s really shy, so he stood on the OTHER side of the car, opened up my aunt’s window, and took it THROUGH the car so he wouldn’t spook it):
Anyway, this bird is called the brown footed booby. And the best place to get a picture of it was on the deck where everyone was sunbathing. So we all had a good laugh, because Keith was worried about what everyone would think of him carrying a camera like that up to the deck where everyone’s in bathing suits, and then we thought about how much worse it would be if they knew that he had that camera so he could take pictures of boobies (there were three brown footed boobies following our ship).
We rented this tiny car in Grand Turk and bought a local field guide for birding.
We got completely lost, but saw some wonderful things!
And there are wild donkeys wandering all over the island, too!
In Puerto Rico we actually hired the best birder on the island (he’s only 24, but he’s seen over 700 species) to take us out.
He brought us to this park, and what I found so interesting is that every 200 feet or so there were these old bunkers that the U.S. had built during World War II in case of nuclear war, built into the side of the hills. Some were actually quite picturesque.
Mostly, though, I just sat on the deck and read books.
But here’s a funny story. On the first day of the cruise they had a “jive” class that you could go to, and I said to Keith, “Let’s go! It will be fun! And you won’t have to do anything to embarrass yourself of course.”
Well, it just so happened that Holland America had a contract with Dancing with the Stars, where they do a version of the show on the ship. They have three dance classes, teach people a different routine in each class, and then at the end of the 45 minute class the “teachers” pair up with a few of the guests to dance the routine, and everyone else votes on who is best.
So at the end of this jive class Keith and I are dragged up to do the routine.
And they voted us the best.
Which meant that we had to dance in front of EVERYONE at the big finale show on the Friday night.
Too funny! We actually did quite well according to the judges–I got a perfect 30 and Keith got a 29, and all the other dancers were a lot younger than us. But we didn’t win because it was based on applause, not score. I got third, though! But honestly, I didn’t care. My goal was not to look like an idiot, and I accomplished that. I wish I could show you the video, but it’s really blurry.
The woman who did win was 25. She was really happy about it. I was just praying that whoever needed it and wanted it most would win, and she did. The funny thing was, thinking back to myself at 25, I think it would have mattered to me, then, too. But it doesn’t at all now. So I guess we do change as we get older.
One bad part of the cruise: I’ve been getting constant headaches for about two months. I think it may be related to me clenching my jaw at night, and using the wrong kind of pillow. I’m going in to see the dentist later this week to maybe get a mouth guard, and I’m going for another massage, but if any of you have any experience with that, I’d love to hear some advice!
But the best part, of course, was just being away with my husband.
When they take the formal pictures on the cruise they have certain poses they like you to do, but I like switching it up a little. So this one’s my favourite:
Anyway, a big THANK YOU to Ngina from Intentional Today and Julie from Hot, Holy and Humorous for filling in for me in the comments section last week! I was just reading through yesterday and they both did great. Thanks for keeping this blog going!
And I hope to tell you all about some of those books soon. Now back to unpacking!
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December 11, 2015
It’s Okay if You and Your Husband Don’t Fit the Mold
Sheila’s Marriage Moment: When you and your husband don’t fit the gender mold
Every Friday I like to post a 400-word inspirational marriage moment. This week I’m talking about how we need to get beyond “men do this” and “women do that”.
This week I published a moving testimony of a guy who grew up feeling feminine rather than masculine. It was only when he stopped letting the culture define him that he figured out who he really was.
Our culture has a vice grip on us, telling us that we’re not good enough. That we don’t fit. That we stick out.
But our church culture does that, too–especially when it comes to gender and marriage.
This week I deleted a rather nasty comment where a woman was telling another woman what it meant to be a “proper Christian wife”:
As a submissive wife, you aren’t automatically entitled to his money. A husband’s job is to lead his family and that means he handles the finances…News flash, dear. God put the man in the position of authority and if he’s the one breaking his back for the money, asking him if you can spend some is the proper and ladylike thing to do.
Wow. That idea makes me so sad.
– That idea that God wants us fitting a certain mold–even though God created this world with a huge breadth of diversity (there are even over 400,000 species of beetles!).
– That idea that what God is concerned most with the proper order of things–that the husband lead and the wife follow, rather than that the two act like they are one flesh.
– That idea that a proper Christian woman won’t handle money, won’t budget, won’t take part in decisions about the family simply because she is a woman, regardless of where her gifts and talents lie.
– That idea that God would give us talents, and then demand that we not use them.
So many women are suffocating–and, as our guest poster showed this week, so many men are, too.
Dear readers, God loves you. God made you. And God put you and your husband together to be a team.
That team will function best when you both use your natural talents and your supernatural gifts to the best advantage.
It’s okay to use Quicken if you’re female. And it’s okay to cook if you’re male. And it’s okay to leave Quicken to your husband if he’s the one whose better at it, and it’s okay to cook if you’re the one who enjoys it more.
Just be who God made you to be.
And I wish so much that I didn’t have to write posts like this.
What’s #1 at To Love, Honor and Vacuum?
#1 NEW Post on the Blog: Do I Have to Live With a Sexless Marriage?
#1 on the Blog Overall: Stocking Stuffers For Your Husband
#1 from Facebook: The Grief Process: You Just Don’t Get Over Grief
#1 from Pinterest: Sexy Stocking Stuffers For Your Husband
My Personal Updates
So usually on Fridays I give you a little glimpse of what’s gone on in my life this week. But I can’t do that today, because I’m actually writing this a week ago! My husband and I are taking a little hiatus right now away from the computer.
I’ll update you next week! Have a great weekend!
I’m actually taking a hiatus this week with my husband, so I won’t be around (though I’ve got stuff scheduled for the blog and for Facebook). But I’ve asked Julie from Hot, Holy and Humorous and Ngina from Intentional Today to step in and participate in the comments for me while I’m gone! Thanks, ladies!
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December 10, 2015
5 Ways to Make Sure the Purity Message Doesn’t Backfire
I’m actually taking a down week this week, away from my computer, but some wonderful people have agreed to step in and share some thoughts they’ve been having.
I’ve written before about how sometimes our emphasis on purity can be misplaced–we talk so much about purity that we make girls especially ashamed of sex. I often get pushback from readers, saying that I’m talking about a problem that isn’t widespread at all.
But I get so many women on this blog writing me letters about experiencing vaginismus (pain during intercourse) when they got married because they were paranoid about sex. And I get so many women who do say that they have a hard time relaxing and believing that sex is good. So I think we do have a problem on our hands.
Today Pat from PatAndCandy.com joins us with a story about how she and her friends had the best of intentions teaching their kids about purity–and yet they never foresaw the negative repercussions with the way they framed the purity message. Here’s Pat:
In the circles I run in, guarding our children’s purity is a big thing. We teach it, we model it (try to, at least), we encourage modesty and exhort our kids to be careful with what they watch, what they read, what they listen to, what they do…
Especially when it comes time to sex.
But a recent incident made me wonder if that purity message and emphasis on modesty can backfire.
A friend of mine’s daughter got married. She had been raised in the aforementioned fashion, was quite the model of virtue for her younger siblings and friends over the years. And she was quite proud of the fact that she was a virgin at the altar. What a gift of purity she had to offer her husband!
Then came the honeymoon.
Without going into information-overload for you, suffice it to say that things didn’t go too smoothly. Upon their return, it prompted my friend to share this heart-felt note with her daughter (*names and identifying information edited to protect their privacy):
I (vaguely and uncomfortably) remember my first experience with sex, and suffice it to say: it wasn’t pretty. For the most part, “the first time” isn’t anything spectacular for many people. Think about it: all of your life you have been determined to stay pure until marriage, and that’s quite a feat. But in the process the thinking becomes “sex is wrong”, or “bad” or something “good girls don’t do.” And then you get married! Your body is like “Whoa! Hold up–we aren’t supposed to be doing this!!” And what happens?! It shuts down.
And yet, this is what you were saving yourself FOR!! But that paradox means the first time (or two, or three) may not be easy, or fun…just as many people, and I think you, have discovered.
However, that doesn’t have to be a bad thing! (Nor will it last forever!)
My first experiences were awkward and uncomfortable, to say the least, but I didn’t have the opportunity to work through any of it with someone who truly loved and cared for me. I had been totally vulnerable with someone who just up and left. And it happened more than once. And I’m just sharing this to show you what a different scenario you’re in!
Yes, it may require work…but it’s going to be work on both your parts! It will mean patience…for both of you: with each other and your own selves. It’s the beginning of a journey that you are both privileged to be on together – and therein lies the beautiful nugget in the whole mess.
You get to learn about yourself and your husband: how to give and receive love in a love language that you speak with nobody else! You get to live out what it means to be truly one with someone as you will with no one else in your life. You get to live out in the flesh what Scripture uses as a metaphor for Christ and His bride, the church. Don’t know about you, but that blows my mind!
(The email went on with some practical tips, such as finding a doctor that she would be comfortable with, and ended with some personal encouragement.)
But this little exchange got me to thinking, since we’re raising our kids in the same vein:
What happens when the purity message “backfires?”
Let's not stress the purity message so much that we make kids afraid of sex--even in marriage.
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More specifically, what happens when protecting our children’s innocence and raising our kids to live modestly and model purity almost becomes a hindrance to a healthy married relationship?
While my husband and I have 2 adult marrieds, and 3 middle- and high-school aged kids still at home, I don’t know if I have any solid answers. But I can propose these 5 thoughts to consider:
1. Always, always be available as a sounding board for your kids. Watch your temper…guard your tongue…don’t bully with your own attitudes (at least when you’re engaged in a topic of conversation they brought up!) If they don’t feel they can talk to you about serious stuff in 3rd grade, they won’t come to you with serious stuff later on, either.
2. Talk about sex as your kids grow up. At the very least, take their questions seriously, and answer them! And if you don’t know the answer, gently look it up with them, and engage your acting skills (if you must) by not looking uncomfortable in the process.
3. While, generally speaking, you don’t want to teach “situational ethics,” do remember to present concepts such as sex, modesty, innocence, etc in context. For example sex itself isn’t wrong or bad, but outside of a loving, committed relationship…well, that’s when it can be unhealthy and pose negative consequences down the road.
4. As your kids age, even if they are a little uncomfortable with discussing sex, give a little push-back. Especially if they’re engaged and heading towards marriage! If they don’t want to talk to you, at least encourage them to find some other adult – mentor, minister, counselor, or happily-married friend – with whom they can address their questions, issues and concerns.
5. Pray for them…earnestly and often. Perhaps at the end of the day, this should really be #1. We all make mistakes as parents, and yet the Word reminds us “The prayer of the righteous person is powerful in what it can achieve” (James 5:16 CEB). Remember that parenting with the best of intentions doesn’t guarantee we won’t goof things up, but human beings are resilient, and no mess-up or hurt is beyond God’s reach.
Finally, however, realize that there is a real and serious problem called vaginismus, which makes intercourse painful and sometimes prohibitive in the beginning. Sheila’s written about it on this site, and her information is very helpful. Honest and clear communication can help you steer your adult daughter towards finding real help in determining what the situation is, and working towards a solution.
Sheila says: I’ve also covered vaginismus at greater detail in The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex. I talk to so many women on this site who experience pain during intercourse, and you are not alone! And it honestly can get better. It did for me.
It may be running counter to the culture these days to be protecting our kids’ innocence and teaching abstinence, modesty, and purity. But doing so does not have to doom them to a boring, or awkward, or maladjusted life, either.
As Christians, we should trust God to be generous in sharing His wisdom and grace with us (and our children!) as we stand firm in parenting with love and truth.
Pat Fenner has been homeschooling her brood of 5 for almost 20 years. With a passion for encouraging moms in their parenting and homeschooling efforts, she shares experience-inspired wisdom with her friend Candy over at PatAndCandy.com. Sign up at their site for a free printable reminding you just how important you are to your family, and keep the conversation going over at Facebook, Twitter and Pinterest!
What do you think? Has getting a healthy view of sex been difficult for you? Let’s talk in the comments! I won’t be around to participate much today, but comment away, and maybe you all can have a good conversation without me.
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December 9, 2015
When the Culture Makes You Sexually Confused: A Story
“Gay? Meant to be a woman? Or just on the feminine side?”
Those are the questions that Alex from Have a Rich Marriage struggled with growing up, and today I’d like to share his poignant story of growing up sexually confused with you.
I’m taking a bit of a bit of time off of the blog this week, and I’ve got some great people who have sent me stories that I’d like to post. Today a young husband named Alex shares his story of struggling with homosexuality, and then deciding to live a heterosexual lifestyle.
What he has to say isn’t politically correct, but it’s his experience. Please, I just ask that readers respect his right to his own story.
Others may be upset that he married when he had homosexual tendencies. I know that I get heartbreaking email from wives every week whose husbands are gay, but never told them. This situation is different, I believe, because Alex is upfront, and is working on his issues–and the two of them are growing together. That’s the model of Christian grace and redemption.
With that being said, here’s Alex:
I am gay.
But I am also in a heterosexual marriage. I love my wife and we have a happy marriage.
I do not normally classify myself as gay because it is a subjective term. But by cultural definitions I am. It is similar to classifying yourself as beautiful. Beauty is subjective, but culture tries to define beauty.
Ever since I remember, I have had emotions and desires that are more inline with a homosexual man than a heterosexual man. Is this genetics? Was it my exposure to porn at a really young age? Or the fact that all of my neighbors, friends and my twin, were girls?
I have no idea.
I wondered for years who I was. Was I placed in the wrong body? I felt having these desires were shameful. I was embarrassed to tell anyone, so I dealt with these feelings on my own. I never told my family about what I was going through.
I do not come from a Christian family. But my grandpa was the definition of a man’s man. My family is full of masculine men who work heavy manual labor jobs. Admitting I was a homosexual meant shame and disgrace to my family.
Today I am going to share with you my experience on gender and sexual confusion. I have shared this story with very few people. My wife and only a few close friends know about this. I am hoping my vulnerability might bring healing to those of who you are in pain.
Though I am sharing a personal story about my gender identity, the advice in this article applies to any identity confusion or secret assumptions you might be experiencing.
The Importance of Asking Who Am I–The Response to Being Sexually Confused
Humans want to have an identity. They feel the need to be able to say I am a male. I am a husband. I am a writer. This comes from our deep need to feel connected with other people.
Asking this question is an exploration of our identity. This is important because our identities fundamentally shape our decisions about everything. You will always act in a way that is equivalent to your identity.
For example, on political spectrum, if you say that you are a Republican, then you will most likely vote for a Republican and support Republican policies. If you identify as a Christian wife, then you will view your decisions in a certain way.
The identities control the decisions we make in life without us even realizing it. A personal example in my life is the belief that education is the best investment. As a result I spend a sizable amount of my time and income on learning.
Knowing the importance of my identity, it was critical that I picked one I would be comfortable with.
Defining My Identity–Choosing To Live As I Wanted To
I am a millennial. Our generation has taken human rights and sexual rights to a new level. Everyone has different viewpoints on right and wrong, so I am not going to get into that.
However, I am going to speak about how the cultural idea for sexual rights has impacted my ability to define my identity.
Growing up in a pro-gay generation was difficult. On one side, if I was meant to be a woman, a large part of culture would accept me. And a large part of our culture was telling me I was meant to be a homosexual. But on the other hand, I was supposed to be heterosexual.
When I was young, I never associated with the gender expectations of what it meant to be a man. I was not very dominant. I hated football. I was a sensitive soul. I was super skinny and small. I would much rather talk and listen, then go play sports. When you say the word ball, I think of a dance and not a game.
I basically fit the sociocultural definition of femininity to a T. But the fear of shame pushed me into a heterosexual relationship. I dated girls because that was the customary thing to do.
Despite the uncertainty of my sexuality, I fell in love with my wife because I was afraid of the disgrace I would bring to my family. Was this fair to my wife? What if it had gone the other way around and I ended up identifying as homosexual? Was it really fair for me to put her through that?
Probably not. I married for a selfish reason.
But then, most people do. Rather than marrying for love or happiness, I married out of fear.
But I have come to love my wife. It was probably wrong for me to marry her, but I am glad I did. If I had not married my wife, I have no idea what would have happened. My marriage has brought restoration to my sexuality. She helped me redefine my identity. She helped me to realize my sexuality is a choice.
Redefining Our Identities
Identities are not always perfect. We have a constant voice telling us what it means to be a man, a woman, a wife, a mother, beautiful, or smart. This can cause a problem when we desire to fit into a certain identity, but we are unable to fit that identity.
For example, our culture, with photoshopped models and excessive ads, tells us a certain body type is beautiful, even though for a majority of culture this is unattainable.
But this does not stop a lot of women from trying or feeling insecure about themselves. This unattainable idea of beauty causes many to develop eating disorders, unhealthy workout routines, and poor body image.
The typical identity of a masculine man is one who never cries, never communicates, is strong, and takes what he wants. So if a man wants to cry, wants to build an authentic relationship with a person, or wants to serve his partner, then he must be feminine. Growing up, if a male did anything that was sacrificial for his partner, like opening a door or carrying her books in the hallway in high school, you would have had your “man card” taken away.
For a majority of my life, I thought it was wrong to be close to another male. I do not mean sexually either–our culture makes it unacceptable for men to talk about their feelings. But I desired a relationship like the one David and Jonathan had in the Bible. A relationship where two men were willing to stick their necks out for each other. Shared their deepest feelings and cried together.
Unfortunately, our culture identifies these desires as gay. So I thought I was gay.
Culture has separated fundamental human needs into gender roles. Both sexes desire intimate and close relationships, but culture says men do not. Both sexes want to love and feel unconditionally accepted, but culture says if a man does, then he is a woman. Do you think men are really the only ones who want sex?
We need to stop separating and confusing human needs and gender needs. Over the years I have talked to many people going through various identity problems and all of them experience the feeling of not fitting into sociocultural roles.
Are some people born gay? Maybe. Is it the environment? Maybe. Science has no idea.
But mixing up gender needs with human needs is certainly playing a large role.
So redefine the identity culture has placed on you!
Just because you are no longer a waist size 2 does not mean you are any less beautiful. Because you forget to the dishes does not make you any less of a wife. Because you love football as a female does not make you any less of a woman.
Finding Your True Identity
Through years of trial and pain, I learned that it not how well we fit into certain roles and identities that make us, but the character we bring to these roles that matters.
Being gay or straight, being masculine or feminine is not as black and white as being a boy or girl. I learned that sexual orientation is a subjective matter. It is how we identify with our desires and beliefs. It was that moment that I realized, despite my desires, that my sexual orientation was a choice. So I made the decision to be a heterosexual.
My sexuality is not defined by my ability to play a certain sport, be physically fit, or to never cry. Being a great man is defined by my character and living my life with valor.
Being beautiful is not about fitting into a certain dress size, but is about being a healthy you with a fulfilling outcome.
Being a good wife or spouse is not about the number of dishes you do or the deliciousness of your meals, but by the passion you bring into your role.
Through my entire experience I learned that everything is a choice. Do I still have homosexual desires? Sure, but they are less each day. I have to make the choice every day to identify myself as a heterosexual man.
I chose to stay with my wife because I made a covenant with her, a covenant which I intend to keep until my death. My wife has helped me redefine my identity and accept myself for who I am.
I am experiencing the fullness and joy from my marriage. Though things are not always perfect, we have learned to create and cultivate intimacy. Our past gets in our way sometimes, but we have learned to accept it and move forward. You cannot look forward if you are looking back.
My wife and I now spend time helping other couples push back against cultural expectations to redefine a marriage where it feels like you are married to your best friend. We teach couples how to make marriage FUN instead of feeling walked all over, and how to stop living like roommates and start living like lovers. (Access our plan here).
I’m actually taking a hiatus this week with my husband, so I won’t be around (though I’ve got stuff scheduled for the blog and for Facebook). But I’ve asked Julie from Hot, Holy and Humorous and Ngina from Intentional Today to step in and participate in the comments for me while I’m gone! Now, please be nice to those ladies! Let’s not get into a debate about homosexuality–that’s not the point of this. And no gay marriage debate–that’s not the point of this article, either. The point is, “how do we sacrificially decide what we want our lives to be, and how to we follow Christ and make our marriages work when there are powerful forces pulling us in another direction?” So no bad-mouthing Alex, who has been vulnerable enough to share his story. And no putting Julie and Ngina through stress exercises, okay?
The post When the Culture Makes You Sexually Confused: A Story appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.
December 8, 2015
The War Room is Coming! It’s Time to Pray
Prayer can transform a marriage.
We know that. We hear it all the time. But maybe you’ve been praying for years and nothing is happening. Or maybe prayer is just so BORING. You fall asleep praying. You can’t concentrate. It isn’t working for you. 
I get it. I’ve been there. Prayer has definitely always been one of my spiritual weak points.
But this year I’ve experienced some real growth for the first time in prayer, and it’s one of the most exciting rides I’ve ever been on! And The War Room, the movie, played a part in that.
The War Room is now available for digital download, and you can pre-order it to gift it for Christmas right now, too! It’ll be available to buy on Blu-ray and DVD December 22, but if you pre-order, it will ship immediately on the 22nd, and can be under your tree in time. It makes a great gift for a sister, a friend, a mom–even a Sunday School leader.
The War Room is brought to you by the Kendrick brothers, the same ones who did Fireproof and Courageous. Here’s the description:
Tony and Elizabeth Jordan have it all—great jobs, a beautiful daughter, and their dream house. But appearances can be deceiving. Tony and Elizabeth Jordan’s world is actually crumbling under the strain of a failing marriage. While Tony basks in his professional success and flirts with temptation, Elizabeth resigns herself to increasing bitterness. But their lives take an unexpected turn when Elizabeth meets her newest client, Miss Clara, and is challenged to establish a “war room” and a battle plan of prayer for her family. As Elizabeth tries to fight for her family, Tony’s hidden struggles come to light. Tony must decide if he will make amends to his family and prove Miss Clara’s wisdom that victories don’t come by accident.
The real strength of the movie isn’t really in what it tells about marriage, since I think honestly that most marriage problems are messier, and a two hour movie just can’t give that justice.
The real strength of the movie is in how it teaches you to actually pray.
It shows you what to do. It challenges you to get your own heart right. It shows you what to pray and how to pray and even when to pray. And it gives this beautiful picture of prayer being where the real battle is taking place. I totally believe that–as I’ve said before, Prayer is THE Battle, and it is also fortification for the battle. It fortifies us to be able to do the hard things that God will be calling us to do, whether in our marriage or elsewhere.
Yet God gives us a powerful weapon in prayer, and while we hear that all the time, I have to ask: do we believe it?
Because I used to give it lip service, but I didn’t really live it out. So I want to tell you today about my own journey of prayer, and the impact The War Room had on it.
I was in a really dry place last year. I had just come out of several busy years at this blog and growing my speaking ministry (which involved a ton of travel), and editing my new book, 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage. At the same time I knew that it was my youngest daughter Katie’s last year at home, and I felt this urgent pull to be super involved in her life. I needed to seize the moment! Yet somehow the list of all the other things that needed to be done didn’t get any smaller.
Then something happened in our personal lives. I can’t share it, because God hasn’t finished the story, but I felt really called to pray for a particular thing. (One day I hope I’ll be able to tell you all about it; it will be a big celebration!)
I had never felt that kind of calling before. It was very much like what Elizabeth felt in The War Room–she needed to pray for her husband. (In my case, my husband’s amazing, and I’m having a great week right now with him away from my computer, so don’t worry about me!). In my case it was something else. But I knew that calling to pray was important.
Up until then prayer had always been about urgent needs or about a list of things I wanted. I tried to throw in the “Praise” and the “Confession” and all those other parts of prayer that we’re told to do, but it often felt rote. But in this case I had a big thing before me and I didn’t have the answers. I didn’t actually know WHAT outcome to pray for–just that it needed prayer. I had never had anything like that before.
So here’s what I learned:
I started with questions.
I never realized how much of the Psalms are actually questions that David was wrestling out with with God. David didn’t know the outcome, either! Often it seems like David didn’t even know how to pray. He was just trying to figure things out!
I have several specific questions that I’ve been constantly asking God for a little over a year now. And the neat thing is that when you have certain questions in your head, and those questions are always before you with God, you start to hear answers. You notice when God is saying something. When there are no questions, then He could be shouting from the rooftops and you may not know it’s directed at you.
Then I started to listen.
I had never really listened in prayer before, and I now realize that it’s because I wasn’t asking anything. If you pray for a list of things, what exactly are you supposed to listen for? But if you’re praying to figure out a problem, or to honestly seek out God’s will, then you’re inviting a conversation.
So I would pray for a bit, then journal my thoughts. Then I’d read whatever Christian book I was reading right then (I’ve been going through a book a week this year. It’s been awesome!). I’d journal again, and often in reading that book I’d see glimpses of some of the answers. Then I’d read my devotional–journal again. Then I’d read the Bible passages and write out the specific verses that were speaking to me.
It’s amazing how many times I would journal a specific question or even a specific verse–and then open up whatever I was reading and have those exact words before me. It was a huge confirmation. And because I was asking questions, more verses started to speak. They fit the questions, you see.
I started to record the questions and the answers.
Here’s where The War Room came in. I loved that image of Miss Clara in her War Room (her prayer closet, really), with the walls papered with all of her prayer lists and answers to prayer and verses that she was praying. And so I decided I needed something visual.
I don’t have a closet like that, and what I’m praying is a little more personal, so I don’t want it all over my walls. But I needed it for me–so that I could go back and see what God was saying, and see specifically what God was doing.
So here’s what I did. This is going to sound super geeky, but I created a notebook in Evernote (that’s an app that you can run on your computer and your phone that organizes absolutely everything) about what I’m praying for. I saved pictures there. I saved verses there. I took pictures of the devotional if it was especially apt that day. I saved emails as it related to the prayer thing. In fact, I even saved another one yesterday!
And now I can see that my prayer life isn’t dead. I can trace what God has been doing.
And the neat thing is that I can see how my prayers have changed. God has been revealing new things to me and I’ve been refining what I’m praying for. But having those visual cues that show me my progression is so key, because it verifies that prayer is about relationship, and I’m not the only one doing the communicating.
You Can Pray, Too!
Even if prayer has always bored you, you can do it too! It’s prayer that is going to change our families and our communities, and it is prayer that God will use to transform the world.
I found The War Room really inspirational to prompt me to get serious about keeping track of my prayers and being deliberate about what I’m praying for consistently. That’s where the strength lies. The marriage story is just a vehicle for the bigger message, and I wouldn’t go into the movie looking for any great marriage truths. The real point is about prayer. I’m finally excited about prayer again! And I know that prayer can transform your life.
So order The War Room digitally now! And then gift it for someone this Christmas. Imagine if we had a whole generation “rising up” and turning to prayer.
See The War Room on Facebook and Twitter, and check out other promos and info on their YouTube channel!
Share your #GiftOfHope or #GiftOfPrayer with @WarRoomMovie on Twitter and get a special video message!
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The post The War Room is Coming! It’s Time to Pray appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.
December 7, 2015
Reader Question: Do I Have To Live with a Sexless Marriage?
How are you supposed to live in a sexless marriage?Every Monday I like to post a Reader Question and take a stab at answering it. Today’s is from a woman whose husband has given up on sex altogether.
My husband has gone to the doctor and tells me it’s because of his age that he is having “erectile dysfunction” (he is only 41)…when I bring things up he gets very mad and says that I am obsessed with sex. It makes me feel so undesired. Our last conversation he said that he was sick of hearing me. Granted, I do bring it up every few months because I think maybe we can try. If he tried it would mean the world to me. I feel like since he doesn’t try, not even with kissing, that maybe I should just give up. I am so frustrated, I have been so patient and understanding not to overstep boundaries, but really!? I didn’t get married to live with a roommate, he is my husband and I love him but I feel alone. I wish he was willing to talk about things, to maybe seek counselling, but that is not the case. He is so focused on work and money and not us.
I know a marriage isn’t all about making love, but the connection is missing. I care about us, I want us to be happy in every aspect. He is a great provider, he is caring, supportive, generous, it’s just this department…and I don’t think it’s a small issue.
What a heartbreaking problem! So let’s try to tackle this today.
It’s true that you can’t make someone change.
But it’s also true that you should not sit back and do nothing when they are going down a road that is bad for them and bad for your marriage.
I hear so often from women, “I try to bring it up, but he just shuts me down.”
I’m not really sure how that works. For him to shut you down, you have to agree to shut up about it.
Perhaps he’s abusive and he yells and he threatens you, and then you have bigger issues. Please, seek out a counselor, or call the police if it’s necessary. It’s not okay to live with someone who threatens, belittles, or hurts you.
But most women are in a situation where we bring up something like a sexless marriage–or something else serious, like a financial crisis–and he doesn’t want to talk about it, so he does one of three things:
He shuts down and refuses to talk at all
He yells and makes such a fuss that you stop talking
He deflects and blames you for the problem (like our letter writer–it’s her problem for being obsessed with sex)
None of these is a healthy way of managing conflict. And for you to go along with it is to build up walls in your marriage. A sexless marriage is a huge issue that needs to be dealt with, and instead of dealing with it, you’re allowing him to shove it under the rug. And that’s only going to build distance between the two of you–and build distance between him and God.
I’m sorry if it sounds like I’m laying the blame at your feet, when it’s him that’s refusing to talk about something important. But I also don’t want people to feel helpless when their spouses are doing something really wrong, and that’s what I want to address today. I’m not saying that you’re bad or that you’re to blame; only that you really shouldn’t allow your spouse to shut you down.
And as I said in 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage, we’re called to be peaceMAKERS not peaceKEEPERS. Sweeping things under the rug isn’t making peace; it’s actually preventing it because it’s allowing sin to continue.
We're called to be PeaceMAKERS in marriage, not PeaceKEEPERS. Big Difference!
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Listen to me clearly on this: when a person refuses sex, they are at heart refusing intimacy, as we talked about last week. And when they run away from intimacy with their spouse, I can pretty much guarantee that they are also running away from true, authentic intimacy with God–even if they’re serving on the elders’ board or preaching from the pulpit.
So what do you do?
You love your husband.
And loving him means looking out for his long-term best interests, which means promoting real character growth.
Doing nothing while someone goes down a road which will hurt them is not loving.
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And he is hurting himself. You are the one feeling the hurt acutely right now, but you are not actually the one who is the most hurt. What you have is a normal, healthy reaction to a bad situation. What he has is an abnormal, unhealthy reaction. When we react normally and in a healthy manner and also go before God, even if we have great disappointments in our lives, we will end up stronger and more like Christ. But when we run from true intimacy and authenticity, we will be far from okay.
1. Get a Support Group and Pray Hard. This is a battle.
And the battle is for both of your hearts. God wants you to react not in bitterness but in concern for your husband and your marriage. God doesn’t want you to lash out, but He does want you to be brave. And God wants your husband to open up to real intimacy.
To close yourself off from intimacy is dangerous. So here are some general points on how to handle this.
2. Have a game plan–Know what you want
Before you start the conversation, know what you want to get out of it. Expecting him to see it all your way and agree that you are totally right is not realistic. But expecting him to treat a sexless marriage as a real problem, and commit to working towards healing, is completely reasonable. So you may want him to agree to talk to a doctor; to see a counselor; to agree to have some intimate time once a week where you touch and talk and try, even if it doesn’t completely work.
3. Ask to start praying together
When sex is an issue in your marriage, intimacy in general is quite often an issue, too, because it’s through sex that married people bare their souls to each other. When that isn’t happening, we tend to put up walls.
But sex isn’t the only way we can break down those walls. When we pray together, we’re also deeply intimate with each other. And we ask God to work in our lives, and it’s His power that we really need. So even before you address the issue of sex, it’s always worth praying together. If he refuses that as well, it’s quite likely that he’s running away from intimacy of all forms.
4. Insist on a conversation
If he starts yelling or refuses to talk or says, “this is over”, you say, “I am not willing to accept that, and I do not believe that. If you will not talk about it now, then I will be bringing it up again tomorrow night and the night after that and the night after that. This is not going anywhere. We need to figure this out. So let’s settle a time when we can discuss this.”
5. Refuse to cover for him anymore
If he has refused a conversation, then it is now time to take some action.
Alcoholics Anonymous has a sister group for the family members of alcoholics called Al Anon, to help them deal with the emotional and practical turmoil of living with an alcoholic. And one of the things that they preach is that one of the first steps to helping your loved one get help is to stop enabling them–to stop covering up for them anymore. We cover up because we think it’s the loving thing to do. We’re scared that if we stop covering up, everything will come crashing down and we’ll lose this relationship we desperately need.
But the loving thing to do is to help your husband see that he needs help, and that means facing the consequences of his actions.
This may look different in different families, depending upon the ages of your children. But if your children are adults now, it’s okay to tell them that you and their father are having difficulties and that you’ll be in separate bedrooms until your husband agrees to get some help. If he serves on an elder’s board, it’s okay to go to the pastor in private and say, “We’re having some marital difficulties and you need to know about it. I’m asking you as my pastor to deal with my husband appropriately and ask him to get some help.” It’s okay to stop going to social functions as a couple until he works on things.
It is not okay to be rude, mean, or unkind. It is not okay to spend a ton of money in revenge, to flirt with anyone else, or in any way to be unloving. But it is okay to let others know that you are having issues and that his refusal to seek help is the cause.
6. Stage an intervention
Once you let others know, it’s also appropriate in many cases to ask others to help you have a serious intervention. Personally, I feel quite strongly that the advice you seek here should be that of a trained counselor, who has gone through this sort of thing before. Get a group around you to pray through what you will say, when you will say it, and how you will say it.
And then, with perhaps 1 or 2 other trusted people, meet with him and tell him that he is hurting himself, hurting you, and hurting his spiritual life, and he needs to get help.
7. Decide what to do
What if he doesn’t seek help and refuses? Now you have some decisions to make about what you will do. A great book for people in this situation is Leslie Vernick’s How to Act Right When Your Spouse Acts Wrong, and I highly recommend it.
8. Be Prepared
Finally, a warning. If someone is completely running away from sex, there may be a reason that you don’t want to hear. Perhaps he is struggling with homosexuality or porn use, and has completely destroyed his ability to perform or desire anything in a heterosexual marriage (save from a major intervention from God).
I’ve received several letters from women lately whose husbands really do appear to be gay. But they’re not admitting it; instead, they’re lashing out at their wives, and they’re getting mad if anyone suggests that anything is wrong. And they’re throwing themselves into their work.
They’re running from the truth.
It could be that your husband is running from the truth, and as you press him to deal with your sexless marriage, you’ll hear something awful.
God is still there for you. He is big enough to carry you. And it’s better to know the truth than to live in a lie, because at least when the truth is out we can live authentically.
For anyone living in a sexless marriage, I am so sorry. I’m sure the pain is grave indeed. I pray that you will find resolution.
And now let me know in the comments: Have you ever had to stage an intervention? Have you ever had to seek outside help? How did that work for you?
I’m actually taking a hiatus this week with my husband, so I won’t be around (though I’ve got stuff scheduled for the blog and for Facebook). But I’ve asked Julie from Hot, Holy and Humorous and Ngina from Intentional Today to step in and participate in the comments for me while I’m gone! Thanks, ladies!
The post Reader Question: Do I Have To Live with a Sexless Marriage? appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.
December 4, 2015
Why Do We Think We Can Change Bad Boys?
Sheila’s Marriage Moment: Let’s Stop Trying to Change Bad Boys!
Every Friday I like to write a quick, 400-word inspirational marriage thought. Here’s this week’s on our propensity to want to change our husbands–to change bad boys.
The other night I was home alone, bored, so I checked Netflix to see if there were any good movies.
It told me I’d give The Rewrite with Hugh Grant and Marisa Tomei four stars, so I clicked play.
Fifteen minutes later I turned it off.
Basically, Hugh Grant’s character was a pig. He used women, he was shallow and selfish, and he had no redeeming virtues. But you know the way the story was going: he’d meet Marisa Tomei, and she’d be so amazing and so what-he’s-always-needed-but-never-found and he would change.
Why is that the plot of most love stories?
Why are we so drawn to the idea that our love will be enough to make a bad boy good?
God’s love is enough to make a bad boy good, but a woman’s love isn’t. And too many of us get married thinking that we can “fix” our husbands.
Christian romance novels are awfully guilty of spreading that, too.
I’ve read so many where he’s a rough cowboy, and then he meets her, and suddenly he’s domestic. Maybe he wasn’t “bad” in the same way as Hugh Grant’s character was morally bad, but the idea is the same: he needs saving, she’s swoops in, and in the process he’ll completely change.
No wonder so many of us get married and feel cheated! Why hasn’t he changed? Why hasn’t he become this sweet, nice, romantic and domestic man? Why is he still the strong, silent type? Why is he still rough around the edges? Why, for pete’s sake, does he still FART?
Just a few quick thoughts here: if a guy is truly bad, marriage won’t change his character. Run far away from bad guys. Yes, they can change, but let God do that work first before you even think about a relationship with him.
But what if he’s just the strong, silent type?
Then if you’re trying to change him, you’ve become the bad guy.
If you can’t love him, just the way he is right now, for the rest of your life, then don’t marry him. And if you’re already married? Learn to accept the rough edges of his personality. Yes, confront about the sin; absolutely! But if it’s just that he’s quiet, or he doesn’t share his emotions, or he can be thoughtless sometimes–maybe that’s how he is. And you promised to love him.
So love him, and stop trying to change him.
If we all did that, maybe we’d have some much better, and more realistic, love stories.
What’s #1 at To Love, Honor and Vacuum?
#1 NEW Post on the Blog: Can Sex Be Both Hot and Holy? (Yep!)
#1 on the Blog Overall: Stocking Stuffers for Your Husband (just updated this again with some more great ideas!)
#1 from Facebook: Sheila’s Christmas Gift Guide for Your Hubby! (I’m proud of this one–I hope I can help you brainstorm!)
#1 from Pinterest: Why Do Teenagers Rebel? A 19-year-old explains why she didn’t (that’s my daughter!)
I Tend to Post “Slice of Life” Things on Facebook Now
I used to post a lot more “slice of life” things on the blog, but I just have so many important things I want to say that I tend to keep the slice of life stuff for either my Friday round up posts or, more likely, for Facebook! That’s where I spontaneously post about what’s going on in my life.
Here’s my most embarrassing moment this week, for instance:
So if you want to know more about me (and the ways I stick my foot in my mouth all too often), come follow me on Facebook, if you’re not already!
The Giveaways Tab is Live!
So after the big blog redesign I decided I wanted to put more emphasis on giveaways. So I’ve added a giveaway tab at the top of the blog, where you can find out where all the current giveaways are. And I’m going to try to keep it more up to date!
I’ve got a good one going on for Canadians right now–a $50 gift card to most retailers or restaurants. Check it out! And I hope to have more giveaways soon.
My Personal Theory on MockingJay Part 2
I’m a big fan of The Hunger Games series. I think the books talk about what it means to be noble and to try to do the right thing even when you’re in a horribly impossible situation.
Most people like the first book best; I actually was always partial to the last book, because I thought it was so politically insightful. Here’s my theory: the choice that Katniss has before her is just like the choice that Poland had at the end of World War II: who do you root for–the Nazis or the Soviets? When you have two evils before you, what do you do?
I think watching the movie is a great way to start talking about some of these historical dilemmas, and how to act as a Christian even when you are living with bad or even evil government. A great story–as long as your kids are about 11 or so.
And Katie and I saw the movie last weekend! I went up to visit her after her bus accident last week which threw her a little bit. And we had a great time!
December 3, 2015
What Will You Choose in the Moment? Love or Bitterness
Am I going to reach out, or am I going to just care about what I’m feeling?
It’s the choice between love and bitterness.
Today Mike Mason, author of the awesome book the Mystery of Marriage, joins us to share about how to choose love!
Before having a shower, I always run a few inches of warm water in the tub, and for 10-15 minutes I lie there and soak. When I say soak, I don’t just mean my body but my spirit. Letting go of all worries and distracting thoughts, I sink into my heart and simply rest in the presence of God. To put it another way, I take this time for contemplative prayer.
This way, by the time I finish my shower I’ve cleansed both my body and my spirit. And that’s exactly how I feel: clean clear through. A shower, for me, is a very spiritual experience.
The other night I was doing my contemplative soaking in the tub, when into the bathroom comes my wife, armed with cleaning equipment. Time to clean the bathroom.
“Karen,” I say, “it’s almost midnight. Shouldn’t you be in bed?”
“I know,” she replies. “But this has to be done, and I’m geared up for now.”
“But this is my prayer time!”
“Too bad. I won’t bother you. I won’t even say anything.”
“Thanks a lot,” I say sulkily.
Okay, my soaking time is ruined.
Or is it?
All at once I realize I have a choice to make. I can choose sulking, or I can choose love.
When my daughter Heather was growing up, she had a diabolical knack for interrupting me when I was trying to pray. This happened so repeatedly that I began to feel she did it on purpose, deliberately waiting for the first sign that I was about to slip away for some quiet time. She’d let me get nicely started, and then—ATTACK!
It took me quite a while—years—to realize that being interrupted by a child is not an interruption, but an invitation. It’s an invitation to love. What else, after all, is the goal of prayer but love?
So: By all means enter your prayer closet to be alone with God. But when the world wants to join you there, open your heart and let them in. That’s what Jesus did:
Rising very early in the morning, while it was still dark, he departed and went out to a desolate place, and there he prayed. And Simon and those who were with him searched for him, and they found him and said to him, “Everyone is looking for you.” And he said to them, “Let us go on to the next towns, that I may preach there also, for that is why I came.” (Mk 1:35-38 ESV)
Now back to the bathtub. When the world—in the form of my marriage—intruded into my prayer closet, I made a choice to open my heart, and my mouth, and through the barrier of the shower curtain I merrily joked and chatted with Karen as she cleaned. And afterwards, as I showered, I realized I felt deeply peaceful and joyful—even more so than if I’d been left to myself.
Isn’t this how it always is when we accept an invitation to love?
Yes, love requires setting aside the agenda and giving of ourselves, but it always gives back far more.
That’s how we know it’s love. Genuine love is always surprising, rewarding the lover in unexpected ways.
Indeed love is its own reward. If you don’t feel rewarded, you might question if you’ve truly loved.
If you’re looking for a way to make Christmas more meaningful, more contemplative, more “peace on earth” this year–then pick up Mike’s book Twenty-One Candles: Stories for Christmas and read a story out loud with your family every night in December, leading to Christmas. Make it your advent, and find your heart pulling more and more towards the Jesus who will soon come again!
Mike Mason has authored a dozen books, including the bestselling The Mystery of Marriage, Champagne for the Soul, and The Blue Umbrella. His latest is Twenty-One Candles: Stories for Christmas.
Visit Mike on Facebook or at mikemasonbooks.com.
The post What Will You Choose in the Moment? Love or Bitterness appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.
December 2, 2015
Wifey Wednesday: Are You Settling for a Dead Sex Life?
On Monday I wrote a post about how our church culture has made too many people dead inside–dead to the passion and creativity that God made us for, and thus dead for what real sex was supposed to be in our marriages. Yes, sex can be hot and holy at the same time, but too many of us think that to be Christian means that we must be reserved, boring, dispassionate.
That’s so wrong. No one should have a dead sex life.
And I’m angry because everyday I wake up to more and more emails and messages from people whose marriages are so messed up, usually because of wrong views of sex.
This post was originally part of the 29 Days to Great Sex series that I wrote on this blog a few years ago, and I’ve recently edited that and removed this post, so I thought it was worth rewriting it for today, because these issues are still with us.
Sex has become such a difficult part of so many couple’s lives. It’s become twisted, or dirty, or shameful, or simply non-existent. And as I read these emails and comments I get everyday, I think: why are we letting something that God made to be beautiful become a negative thing in our lives? Why are we settling for a dead sex life?
Married? God wants your sex life alive, not dead. He came to give us life!
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Do you know what one of the tell-tale signs that something is from God is? Life.
Being alive is from God.
Being teeming with life is from God.
And so the opposite–death–is not from God.
Think about this: when evil triumphs, it’s not usually categorized by luscious trees or plants or beautiful things. It’s ugly. And even if it starts out beautiful, the ugliness takes over.
John 10:10 says:
The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.
Isn’t that beautiful? Jesus came to give us an abundant life–not a dispassionate one. That verse also tells me that whenever something is killed or destroyed or not teeming with life, then it is not of God. That is an area of your life where God is not working; where you have blocked God out in some way. Because God is love and Jesus is Life!
When the Mongols rampaged across Asia and the Middle East in the thirteenth century, they left behind them devastation. And desert. Many places that were not formerly deserts became deserts over the next few decades because the Mongols burned everything. And without plants, the land dried up. Destruction kills what was alive.
For all of you Tolkien buffs, do you remember how bleak the land of Mordor looked compared to the land of the shire? All sharp rocks and crags and darkness and emptiness, compared with lush green fields and laughter and lots of food and lots of children and lots of singing.
The Shire is alive; when Sauron took over Mordor, he made sure everything that was living died (except for his minions also bent on destruction).
I noticed this phenomenon in 1989 when I visited East Berlin. West Berlin was beautiful, with trees, and parks, and art, and lovely buildings; East Berlin was spartan. The people didn’t smile. Everything was utilitarian. Joy was gone.
Evil doesn’t just propagate evil, you see; it also tries to destroy that which is beautiful.
And that’s why there’s a powerful force working to destroy what is beautiful about sex. I know it’s not polite to talk about the devil, but I firmly believe that the devil wants to destroy sex. He wants to make it into something that is ugly. He’s happy when we turn to porn and debase real intimacy. He’s happy when we think sex is too much hassle and start to refuse sex altogether. And he is happy when instead of feeling fully alive, we feel somewhat dead.
This morning I was reading in my devotions the story of Ezekiel and the dry bones, found in Ezekiel chapter 37. Basically God calls on Ezekiel to prophecy over dead bones, and as he does the bones begin to rattle. They form together. Sinews grow on them. Then flesh. But they’re still dead until God breathes into them.
I think that’s a picture of where many of us are today when it comes to sex: We feel dead.
We’re not excited about it. It doesn’t grow our relationship; it eats away at it. So what’s our response?
I think this story shows two things: one, those bones listened to Ezekiel’s prophecy and joined together and grew. But second, they weren’t fully alive until God breathed into them (I know I’m taking liberties with it here, but bear with me!)
So what does that mean for you?
God wants you to be ALIVE. With God, life is teeming, abundant, lush, tropical, beautiful. If your sex life is not like that, then listen to the fact that this is how God wants it.
All of us need a breath from God today–even those of us who don’t feel particularly bad about our sex life. All of us need more passion. And when we let God in, and feel closer to Him, and let Him work, we will feel so much more alive, both spiritually and sexually. When we feel dry spiritually, we often feel dry sexually. And the opposite is also true.
If you want to be fully alive and fully passionate, you need to be passionate about God first, and let Him move.
And that will have major ripple effects in the bedroom.
Do you realize what would happen if all Christian couples became fully alive and fully passionate? Can you imagine the difference that would make in our families, in our churches, in our communities? If we were fully passionate and fully alive, we’d have energy to invest in others. We’d be excited about life and opportunities and possibilities. We’d be able to love everybody more fully. But when we are stuck, both sexually and spiritually, everybody suffers.
I firmly believe that our spirituality and our sexuality are linked, as I talked about on Monday.
And that’s why I believe that a dead sex life is often (and usually) a sign of a troubled spiritual life.
If you're married, a dead sex life is often a sign of a troubled spiritual life.
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When we run away from intimacy with our husbands, we’re likely running away from intimacy with God, too. And if he’s running away from intimacy and running towards porn, I can guarantee you he’s running away from God as well.
I talk to so many women who have just given up. Their libidos are low and they figure, “it’s not a big deal; sex is boring anyway.” So they live very ordered lives, with to do lists and responsibilities and tasks at hand. And they miss out on the passion!
They may think they’ve given themselves totally over to God–homeschooling their kids, keeping a nice house, serving at church–but if they’re running away from passion then it doesn’t have power. Do you know what I’m saying?
I know so many people have issues with sex; I did, too! I’m not trying to belittle those issues. But I do believe that if we settle for that–if we say, “My sex life is just dead”–then we’re also, in a way, cutting ourselves off from a great big abundant life with God. You can’t cut yourself off from your sexuality; you were created to feel passion and to feel intimacy and to be able to totally let go. If you choose to run away from that, I believe that you will completely stifle your spiritual life, too.
Readers, that’s why I wrote The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex. If you’re a regular reader and you’re having issues with sex, there’s so much more in the book than there is on this blog. I’m glad you’re here, I really am. You don’t have to buy the book. But I wrote it to help people like you–I really did. If you haven’t ordered a copy of The Good Girl’s Guide to Sex yet, will you? And with Christmas coming up, it’s an easier and less awkward time to give a book like that to someone you know. Will you give it to a wife you know who is struggling? Or to a woman whose about to start her marriage (or who has just gotten married?) If we can get this stuff RIGHT–if we can start running towards passion instead of away from passion–I really think more than just our marriages will be transformed. Our faith will be transformed. Our churches will be transformed.
Because we’re alive again, and we’ve stopped keeping God out.
And that matters.
Please let me know in the comments if I’m making any sense! Have you ever found that your spirituality and your sex life are linked? I’d love to talk about this more!
Now it’s your turn! If you’re a marriage blogger, link up the URL of a marriage post in the linky below. And then be sure to link back here so other people can read these great marriage posts!
Marriage isn't supposed to be blah!
Sex is supposed to be stupendous--physically, emotionally, AND spiritually.
If it's not, get The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex--and find out what you've been missing.
The post Wifey Wednesday: Are You Settling for a Dead Sex Life? appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.
