Sheila Wray Gregoire's Blog, page 170

Christmas Gift Ideas for the Impossible to Buy For Husband

Are you stuck on Christmas gift ideas for your husband?

For a woman, you can always just buy something pretty. But what does a guy want?

One of my most popular posts ever was my Christmas stocking stuffers for your husband–and in that post I give some really unique ideas for inexpensive products you may never have heard of to get for your man–yummy stuffers, sexy stuffers, fun stuffers, smart stuffers, handy stuffers, and more!

Today I want to take a slightly different approach. I will recommend different gift ideas, in ten different categories, that can start you thinking about your own husband and what may work for him specifically. So think of this post as a giant brainstorming session to help you think of a gift your husband will actually love!

1. A Christmas Gift Your Husband Actually Needs (the Gift of Time)

Chances are you can think of something that your husband needs, but that gift can seem so, well, boring.

Here’s another way to think about it: what you’re really giving him is the gift of time and the gift of not having to go shopping. If it’s something that he actually needs, then at some point he will have to get into his car, drive to the mall, go into some stores, check the things out, try them on (if it’s clothing), pay, and come home.

Many men would rather have a root canal.

So even if he really doesn’t particularly care about new clothes, for instance, but he needs them, you could buy him clothes at Christmas and put this note on the tag:

The benefit of this gift is that it doesn’t add anything to your budget–he would have needed the things anyway. So if you’re tight for money this year, this is a good way to go!

2. A Christmas Gift That’s High Quality–That Your Husband Would Never Buy For Himself

Let’s say that you’re all really good at sticking to a budget and you’re trying hard not to clutter up your house with too much stuff.

Then here’s a gift that will really pamper him!

Replace something that he may already have plenty of with just ONE thing that’s super high quality. He’d likely never spend that kind of money on himself normally, but it’s so nice to own just a few things that are top of the line.

I’m sure you can think of several things that may fall into that category, but here are just a few to help you start brainstorming:

Binoculars – Vortex Optics Diamondback – $228.95

My husband’s a birdwatcher, so a pair of high quality binoculars makes a huge difference. These Vortex ones are top of the line–10x42s, totally waterproof, and so much better than the little ones we’ve been using.

If your husband has a hobby–like hunting or fishing or woodworking–maybe replacing something he already has with something top of the line would be a luxury.

Bible – NIV Study Bible, Bonded Leather  – $45.98

Does your husband have a decent Bible–with study notes, references, indexes, and more? Maybe it’s time to get him a good Bible! This one lays flat, and is made of bonded leather. Another good option is the parallel NIV/The Message Bible, so that he can compare two translations at the same time.

Carry On Luggage – TravelPro Maxlite – on sale for $70 (depending on color)

If your husband travels a lot for work, this makes a HUGE difference. I had a ton of carry on luggage and a computer case, none of which was high quality. I recently bought this very piece and it’s amazing! It fits under the seat if it has to, and it has a special compartment that fits most 15″ computers. Best of all, it fits on top of a bigger suitcase over the handle so you can pull them both at the same time–no more pulling two suitcases at once! And it’s made of a special material that doesn’t tear, so it will last so much longer.

3. A Christmas Gift to Help Your Husband Sleep

We spend 1/3 of our lives sleeping, but often we scrimp on bedding. After all, nobody else sees it but us!

But good sleep, next to a good diet, is the largest component of good health.

So what about some gifts to help him sleep? One of my favourite sleep aids is Slumber Cloud, which has patented technology so that your pillows and bedding stay at a nice temperature all night long. No more flipping your pillow over because it’s too hot or throwing off the duvet because you’ve got night sweats (while your husband is shivering). It regulates for both of you–even if one of you is a refrigerator and one of you is a furnace.

Slumber Cloud Nacreous Pillow Cover – $57

Slumber Cloud’s Nacreous Pillow Cover takes ‘keeping your cool’ to a whole new level. When you’re hot it absorbs excess heat and stores it in patented Thermocules™. As you fall asleep and your body temperature drops, the Nacreous Pillow Cover releases stored heat to ensure that you feel “just right” all night.

Slumber Cloud Starter Set, Queen – $288.99

You get the patented cooling technology with a mattress cover, a duvet, and pillows to help you sleep well. It regulates the temperature so that you’re both the appropriate amount of cozy. And your pillows don’t get too hot, either!

Right now, get 10% off any order at Slumber Cloud using the coupon code TLV-10!

MELT Massage Program – $99 (with FREE Foot Massage Extra!)

Imagine all the worries of the day melting away. Imagine his hands on you–and your hands on him–as the stress evaporates and as relaxation envelops you. And it’s all so sensuous!

If your guy is stressed, or has tired muscles, or has the love language of touch–or even if he’s just HUMAN–he’ll love you pampering him with a massage every night. And maybe he can even return the favor!

The MELT massage video course is meant for married couples to learn to pamper each other. You watch about 5 minutes a night and then do it–and each video builds on the one before, until you’re able to give a super effective 30 minute massage. And MELT has a Christmas special going on right now, where if you buy the regular video course, you get the foot massage video course for free! And you’ll have access to the videos forever.

Check it out here–with a video to tell you more. And they’ve got some super cute printables (just scroll down) that you can put in his stocking, too, to let you know what you’re going to do for him!

The MELT videos are sensuous–but they’re all PG rated. They’ve taken great care to make these videos appropriate for couples to watch together.

Your marriage will never be the same!

4. Christmas Gifts to Make Your Husband Comfortable

I’m passionate about shoes. I don’t mean pretty shoes, either. I mean quality shoes.

Few adults spend proper money on quality shoes, but if your guy is on his feet a lot, it helps his posture, his back, his knees, and so much more! Yet usually we look for the $40 pair at Payless. We don’t want to waste money, after all.

But quality shoes will often last for several years, and end up paying for themselves!

This Christmas, what about getting him some shoes that will make him feel like he’s in heaven?

Rockport Rugged Bucks Waterproof Boot – $85-$105

Here’s a great walking boot that is waterproof and super comfortable, with great support. He’ll notice the difference!

Clark’s Unstructured Men’s Oxford, $91-$160

A dress shoe that will feel like a running shoe. So comfortable, with lambskin lining to prevent blisters and a special air circulation system to keep the feet cool.

Adidas Men’s Pure Golf Shoe – $100-$120

If your golfer husband has never actually owned a pair of shoes specifically for golf, he’s in for a treat! With spikes on the bottom to prevent slipping and super comfortable soles, these will help him stay comfy all day–and even improve his game.

5. A Christmas Gift That Lets Your Husband Pamper Himself

Maybe money’s been tight this year and so you rarely get to spend money on yourselves. Why not give him the gift of getting something for himself he actually wants? Starbucks cards, Amazon cards, or Home Depot cards lets him buy stuff he likes without feeling like “I’m using up our grocery money.”

If you’re Canadian, CardSwap is a great source for gift cards–because they sell most gift cards, but when you buy them you also earn points so you can eventually get other gift cards free! For instance, if you buy a Future Shop card right now you’ll get 5% in points towards another gift card.

And CardSwap is launching their 12 days of deals today (December 1)! They’ve offered me a giveaway for a $50 gift card of your choice, and Canadians can enter here.

6. A Christmas Gift to Enhance Your Couple Life

Let’s face it–many guys would just like you for Christmas in a Santa negligee. That’s really the best gift they can imagine.

And sometimes gifts that boost your marriage are the best gifts of all! Of course, don’t forget the MELT massage video series I mentioned above–it helps you sleep, but it boosts your marriage, too!

31 Days to Great Sex – $4.99 ebook, $10.79 paperback

Why not give him what he really wants? I wrote this 31 day challenge to help couples enhance their sex life! Read 2-4 pages a night and do what it says. Learn to talk about sex, flirt more, spice things up–and keep the momentum going!

And I’ve got Christmas coupons you can print out and give him to go with the book, too.

Other Sexy Ideas

Don’t miss my Sexy Stocking Stuffers post! Tons of things to get his engine going and bring a smile to his face.

2 Player Board Games

Want something to do together at night that doesn’t involve a screen? I’ve got a list of 20 awesome board games for two people that you can have fun with. From Exploding Kittens to Forbidden Islands to old faithfuls like Rummikub, there’s sure to be something here that he will like!

7. The Gift of Technology: Gadgets He’s Always Wanted

Chances are your husband has a list of gadgets he’s envied, but he’s never purchased. Maybe something like this would thrill him:

Amazon Kindle Fire – $49.99

Kindles have come down so much in price now, and they make reading so easy. It’s not just books, either–you can read newspaper subscriptions and more on your Kindle. Awesome for guys who travel–and the battery lasts a long time.

GoPro Hero4 Camera – $319.99

This is the top of the line GoPro–with wifi capability to instantly upload, touch screen display, and more! It’s waterproof and will withstand extreme temperatures. Mount it anywhere to capture snowmobiling, waterskiing, motorbiking, or more! Great for active guys. And you can buy some of the more basic models for cheaper, like the GoPro Hero Starter Bundle for $139.99 which comes with a 1080×60 camera, a head mount, and an SD card.

Motorola Bluetooth Headset – $39.99

Does he spend a lot of time commuting or traveling? Make life easier with a bluetooth headset that links with his phone. Just say who you want to call, and the headset does it for you! It’s all hands free.

8. Christmas Gifts That Make Your Husband’s Life Easier

The real gift is the reduced stress and the reduced time! What does your husband stress over? What does he take time doing that seems really inefficient? Maybe one of these ideas will resonate:

NeatReceipts Business Receipt Scanner – $128.99

This is cool! It hooks up to your computer via a USB port, and you can scan all kinds of receipts easily. Then you can export them to Excel, Quicken, or anywhere! Run reports based on categories that the software automatically figures out. And now you always have them digitized. No more having to keep paper or enter all that info.

Wall Control Pegboard – Garage Storage – $63.27

Does he have a hard time finding tools because they’re in a pile? Get him an easy way to organize his tools with this galvanized metal pegboard.

Heavy Duty Thermos Containers – $20-$40

These are cool! Thermos sent me some samples and they seriously work. The vacuum insulated 16 oz. beverage bottle keeps liquid hot for 12 hours and cold for 24 hours. The 40 oz. one keeps stuff hot for 24 whole hours! And the food jar (which comes with a folding spoon) keeps liquids hot for 7 hours and cold for 9. So if your guy is a trucker or a hunter or just plain brings his lunch to work a lot, here’s a way to save him money and give him convenience. He can take meals from home and they won’t get cold. No need for refrigeration, either!

9. Christmas Gifts that Replace Singles of Something with a Big Set of Something

Here’s another way to pamper him–Maybe your husband has plenty of singles of something, but he doesn’t have a set of anything. Buy him a nice set, and then you can give away the singles! Some ideas to start the brainstorming:

Craftsman 220 Piece Mechanics Tool Set with Case – $169.95

Does your husband have all kinds of screwdrivers and wrenches lying around? Replace them all with this! 128 sockets, 41 screwdriver and nutdriver bits, 6 wrenches–all in one handy case.

Braun Pulsonic Shaver System – $164.99

Use it in the shower or out of the shower, this one item will replace all the razors and razor blades he’s got lying around. It’s precision based, so it modifies itself for difficult areas of the face. And it’s one of the most precise and best shavers around!

Henckels Super High Quality 16 Pc Knife Set – $199.95

If your husband is the chef in the family he’ll appreciate good knives! Henckels is one of the best brands, and this set right now is over $200 off the regular price. Comes with all the major knives you need, plus a set of steak knives. If you’ve never used good knives before, you won’t believe the difference they make (this is the set I have!)

Other ideas along these lines: A high quality drill set or other tools; high quality golf clubs; or throw out all of his underwear and buy him 10 awesome pairs that match!

10. Christmas Gifts for Your Husband that Are Super Manly and Kinda Heirloom

Want to help him feel fancy and manly at the same time? Try Christmas gifts for your hubby like these:

Parker Stainless Steel Straight Edge Razor Shaving Kit – $72.88

What’s sexier than a guy using a straight edge razor? This set comes with a stainless steel stand, a shaving brush, the razor, and 100 extra blades. If you just want the razor and blades, it’s only $23.

(This is what my son-in-law wants for Christmas!)

4 Pairs of Classic Cufflinks – $14.95 (regular $39.95)

Cufflinks are the ultimate jewelry for men. They fancy everything up and give an air of elegance to any occasion. And they look awesome! If your husband has never owned a shirt with cufflinks, consider getting him one this Christmas!

Calvin Klein White Dress Shirt with French Cuffs – $44.95

Get him a dressy white shirt with the special french cuffs (to use for cufflinks). And then next time you go out for dinner, or out to a wedding, he’ll look so put together!

So there you go! 10 broad Christmas gift ideas for your husband! I know that every guy is unique, and so not all of these ideas will work for your guy. But I hope that I’ve at least given you some thinks to brainstorm about that can help you come up with the perfect Christmas gift for your husband this year!

The post Christmas Gift Ideas for the Impossible to Buy For Husband appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

Reader Question: Can Sex Be Hot and Holy at the Same Time?

Can sex be hot and holy at the same time?

Every Monday I like to post a reader question and take a stab at answering it, and this week’s is all about our attitudes towards sex–and what we think God thinks about sex.

I received this really fascinating question earlier this year:

I need your help to correct my thinking patterns! I have been doing your 31 Days book and have been reaping benefits already. I am trying very hard to embrace my sexuality and learn that it is good to receive pleasure from my husband. But then, God brought some scripture to mind that seems to…not contradict…but I don’t understand how to embrace my sexuality, while still be this meek and quiet woman of God.

Titus 2:3-5

Older women likewise are to be reverent in behavior, not slanderers or slaves to much wine. They are to teach what is good, and so train the young women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be reviled.

To be sexual, I have to release control, not be self-controlled. To be sexual, it seems too desirous, not reverent. To be sexual and to receive pleasure without tensing up and worrying about whether or not I’m being a good little Christ follower…I feel like I have to temporarily forget all I know about who Christ wants me to be. I know I’m missing something. I want to think correctly, but I don’t know how.

Wow.

I thought about how to answer this–how to do a big defense of sex that is both hot and holy.

But the more I looked at it, the more I realized that wasn’t the problem. It wasn’t that she didn’t understand sex; it was that she didn’t understand God. And I think many of my readers are in that same boat.

So let’s look at some theology today (and don’t worry–I promise this won’t be boring!).

Being self-controlled doesn’t mean being in control. It means not letting sin control you.

The Bible talks a lot about control, but I think we misunderstand what is meant by the term “self-control”. We think of someone who is always aware of their surroundings; who is always proper; who isn’t carried away by emotion or passion, but instead is calm and logical.

We think that to be self-controlled means to be in control.

But it doesn’t.

Who is supposed to be in control of our lives? It certainly isn’t US. It’s God. That’s what it means to walk in the Spirit–that God is in control.

When the Bible talks about self-control, it’s not asking us to be in control; it’s asking us to not let other things be in control.

Here’s another verse on self-control from the same chapter above:

For the grace of God has appeared that offers salvation to all people. It teaches us to say “No” to ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright and godly lives in this present age–(Titus 2:11-12)

So to be self-controlled is to say no to ungodliness and worldly passions–or the passions that consume us and take us away from God.

Here’s another way to look at the same thing, from Ephesians 5:18:

Do not get drunk on wine, which leads to debauchery. Instead, be filled with the Spirit,

So instead of letting wine control us, we’re to let the Spirit control us. That is what being self-controlled means–that we live a life led by the Spirit. To try to be in control by ourselves is actually the opposite of what God wants, and He has another term for that: living by the flesh. Romans 7 and 8 are great chapters for seeing the difference between the two–Romans 7 is all effort; Romans 8 is all life by the Spirit.

And so let’s look at some opposites today–what words and phrases characterize a life led by the Spirit vs. what it means to live a life led by the Flesh. Obviously this is the “grace vs. works” dilemma, but I don’t want to use those words, because most of us are used to that debate. I want, instead, to look at new phrases that would fall under each category, and see how this impacts our view of God–and ultimately our view of sex.

Does the way we think of God impact how we think of sex? You betcha!
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Life in the Spirit

Passion
Knowing God
Pursuing God
Having God’s Vision
Living in the Moment
In Awe at the Beauty of all of Creation–even our bodies
Worship and Intimacy
Gazing Up at God
Purity as a Matter of the Heart
Being Missional Matters
“He’s not a tame lion, you know”
Faith is Messy
Valuing Extravagant Love
Love is over all




Life in the Flesh

Effort
Understanding God
Pleasing God
Making Detailed Plans
Being Constantly Disciplined
Taking Satisfaction in Doing Things God’s Way
Orderly and Understandable
Looking Down to the Tasks at Hand
Purity as a Matter of the Body
Being Proper Matters
God wants us to follow specific rules
Faith is Quantifiable
Valuing Being Right
Truth is over all

If I could sum it up, I would do so with John 10:10:

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it abundantly.

Here’s the clincher: when we believe that the thing that God wants for us most is discipline, we will miss out on great sex. But we will also miss out on intimacy with God!

I am not saying that the things in column 2 are wrong, by the way. Truth is good (Jesus, after all, is the Way, the Truth, and the Life). Discipline is good. Pleasing God is certainly good.

But these things must all be done in the light of column 1. We cannot truly pursue God without also wanting to please Him; but many people are trying to please God without actually pursuing Him. They’re trying to live a life of rules without any relationship at all.

Do you see the distinction?

That’s why when you see verses like the ones this woman quoted that would naturally fall under column 2, we must read them in the light of column 1. It’s not that they don’t matter; it’s just that they must be viewed through the lens of an extravagant love for God and God’s extravagant love for us.

My heart is hurting today because I truly believe that this is the root of so many marriage problems–a profound misunderstanding of God. We think that what God wants is for us to be proper and right. But what God wants is for us to be totally sold out for Jesus! And that’s going to be scary, and it’s going to be a leap of faith, and it’s going to mean you’re not in control. But boy is it fun!

Now let’s get back to sex for a moment. Think about a few of those words from column 1:

Passion. Revelling in the Moment. In Awe at the Beauty of Creation. Intimacy.

You know what that sounds like to me?

An orgasm.

Seriously. If God made sex partly to reflect his relationship with us, then that orgasm is the height of being out of control; of being truly intimate; of becoming one with someone else; of revelling in relationship. That’s the picture of what our life with Christ is to be!

Too many Christian traditions have focused so much on living a life of rules that we’ve missed the boat. We’ve focused on trying to understand God and trying to be the one denomination that is totally “right” that we’ve missed how to KNOW God.

And if you don’t understand how to have real intimacy with God, it’s very unlikely that you’ll be able to let go enough to have great sex with your husband.

Hot and Holy Sex

In The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, I have a whole chapter on how God made sex to be both hot and holy–and how being “hot” is actually very pure in God’s eyes! If this just doesn’t compute for you, please pick up the book. Don’t let yourself be stuck without really understanding how stupendous God wants sex to be in your marriage.

Check out the book here.

I’ve written before about how being a control freak won’t work in the bedroom, but it goes so much further than that today: The way we view intimacy with God and the way we view intimacy with our husbands is so inextricably linked.

God isn’t understandable. Jesus isn’t a tame lion, as C.S. Lewis said. He doesn’t want us living a nice, orderly life with rules. He wants us taking that leap of faith and walking out on the water! He wants us knowing His vision, but not necessarily His plans. He wants trust, and faith, and intimacy, not rules and discipline and head knowledge.

The Pharisees had the rules and discipline and head knowledge, and Jesus came to show them they were wrong. And yet we have replaced our own version of it, especially within marriage, with demands for authority and rules and discipline and gentleness in a way the Bible never intended.

Let me end with an Old Testament story that speaks to this.

The ark of the covenant (the most holy piece of furniture that lived in the temple, where God’s spirit literally dwelt before Jesus came and gave us the Holy Spirit) had been captured, and wasn’t in Jerusalem anymore. David decided to bring it back to the temple, and he did so with great fanfare–parades and worship.

Here’s 2 Samuel 6:13-16, talking about what happened when David’s wife Michal saw this:

When those who were carrying the ark of the Lord had taken six steps, he sacrificed a bull and a fattened calf. Wearing a linen ephod, David was dancing before the Lord with all his might, while he and all Israel were bringing up the ark of the Lord with shouts and the sound of trumpets.

As the ark of the Lord was entering the City of David, Michal daughter of Saul watched from a window. And when she saw King David leaping and dancing before the Lord, she despised him in her heart.

Afterwards David had a talk with his wife, and he said this (verses 21 and 22):

David said to Michal, “It was before the Lord, who chose me rather than your father or anyone from his house when he appointed me ruler over the Lord’s people Israel—I will celebrate before the Lord. I will become even more undignified than this, and I will be humiliated in my own eyes.

To follow God is not dignified.

And marriage–the act of marriage–is not dignified.

And that’s okay. 

Let me suggest that if you can’t be undignified before God in worship (at least in private), then you will have a very hard time being undignified with your husband.

So let’s get a different view of God. It’s not about being right. It’s not about understanding everything. It’s not about being proper. It’s about living a life in the Spirit, and that’s not controllable.

Let me know in the comments: Do you get what I’m saying? Have you struggled with this in your church or your marriage? How did you resolve it?

I’d love to chat about this more, because I really believe that THIS is the root of so many problems. Let’s help each other!

Marriage isn't supposed to be blah!


Sex is supposed to be stupendous--physically, emotionally, AND spiritually.

If it's not, get The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex--and find out what you've been missing.

 

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The Power of a Simple Thank You

Sheila’s Marriage Moment: The Power of a Simple Thank You

Every Friday I like to post a quick 400 word “Marriage Moment”–mostly to give you something bit sized you can grab a hold of to make up for how LONG all my other posts are! Here you go!

My husband picked up my empty glass and stuck it in the dishwasher before getting himself a snack.

“Thanks, hon,” I said.

It wasn’t a big deal. It was a simple thank you.

But sometimes thank you is hard to say. After all, does he really deserve it?

That task took less than thirty seconds. Earlier that night I had spent over an hour making dinner while he decompressed. I had chopped everything, cooked everything, and served everything.

Come to think of it, I had also shopped for every grocery item we used. Why should he get thanked for a tiny thing?

Or what about when your husband changes a baby diaper. If you thank him, are you implying that he was doing you a favor, like it was your job? And if you change fifty diapers for every one that he changes, why should you have to thank him?

Saying thank you can be tough, can’t it?

Sometimes when our husbands do a small thing for us, it can actually be annoying. We work so hard keeping the house running smoothly, and then he does one thing and expects to be acknowledged. Is that even fair?

Wow. Thank you has become quite a landmine, hasn’t it?

Yet let’s take a step back. Why are we so hesitant? Are we worried that if we acknowledge little things he’ll think he’s off the hook for big things? Are we resentful because he never notices what we do?

Maybe we’re reading too much into this, and in the process we’re missing the power of a simple thank you.

Shaunti Feldhahn, in her book Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages, found that for men, “thank you” was the equivalent to “I love you” for women. It acknowledges that you notice them and that you appreciate them, and men like to spend more time in areas that they’re appreciated.

That’s powerful.

But thanking him does something else. It cuts any tension that’s between you. It says, “at this moment, right now, I’m glad you’re here.”

And it helps you to think more positively about him. Instead of obsessing on what he’s not doing, you notice what he is doing. Chances are it’s more than you think! When we speak up about good things, we tend to think about good things more. And resentment shrinks.

In the spirit of Thanksgiving, I’d encourage you to add simple thank yous throughout your day. When your husband does something nice–even if it’s small, and even if you’ve done so much more–just say thank you.

It can change everything.

Marriage challenge: Find two things to thank your husband for everyday--even if they're small!
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Read more about gratitude in marriage:

I’ve written before about the power of gratitude in marriage.

How a Simple Thank You Can Transform a Marriage

9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage–my book! So much of the book focuses on how we can start thinking positively about our husbands. Do that first, and then it makes it easier to deal with big issues that you may need to deal with. And if there aren’t big issues? Then thanking him consistently helps you to avoid them! My heart and soul is in this book–check it out! Or tell your husband you want it for Christmas.

What’s #1 at To Love, Honor and Vacuum?

#1 NEW Post on the Blog: Is Watching Porn Together Okay if You Both Agree?

#1 on the Blog Overall: Stocking Stuffers for Your Husband

#1 from Facebook: 25 Marriage Tips (which is your favourite?)

#1 from Pinterest: Have We Forgotten How to Be a Mommy?

 

 

What a Week!

I hope all my American readers had a wonderful Thanksgiving!

In case you didn’t see it yesterday, we had something interesting happen in our family this week. Katie was in a bus crash (she’s fine, but it was harrowing!). I wrote all about it yesterday, along with a link to the video she made about it. Check it out.

I’ve Got the New Format Up!

So after over a year of wanting to do a blog overhaul I finally did. Yay! I like the new format a lot better. It’s cleaner, and if you click on the menu at the top of the page (whether you’re in desktop or mobile) it’s easier to find posts based on different categories. So feel free to browse around. You may find things you’ve missed.

My Weekly Roundup Newsletter is Going Out Today

Did you know that you can sign up for weekly newsletters that give a round-up of all the stuff that’s been on the blog this week, what was biggest, and what’s been big on social media, too? It’s a chance to see what’s going on and to make sure you don’t miss anything in case you don’t check in everyday.

It’s free, and you can join the other 8,000 people who are signed up right here.

I usually write more on Fridays, but it’s been quite the week. And I think I’m going to go make myself some tea and relax a bit.

So I hope you all have a wonderful weekend, and I hope you all get all the Black Friday shopping done that you need to!

Blessings!

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Thanksgiving: Thankful that My Daughter Was Saved!

It’s Thanksgiving for all my American readers! We had our Thanksgiving here in the Great White North in early October, and it was a great family time with board games and turkey and fun.

But even though it’s not Thanksgiving for me, I do have something very big to be thankful for this week.

On Monday night at 9:40 we got a phone call from Katie, my youngest daughter. She was crying uncontrollably. She had been in a bus accident. The public transit bus had been going over a bridge when it careened into the barrier, took out said barrier, and traveled for several seconds on just its left tires. The worst part is that it was leaning–and everyone thought they were going to flip into the river.

They didn’t; when the bus came to a stop Katie went into lifeguard mode (she worked as a lifeguard for two years before heading off to university) and made sure everyone was okay and held hands and waited until the police got there. She has a banged up knee and some sore muscles but otherwise she’s no worse for wear.

But she was certainly shaken.

So I’m so thankful that she was saved from the river.

But I’m thankful that she was saved in other ways, too.

The next morning this is what she posted to Facebook:

First off, I’M OKAY. That being said, last night I was in an extremely terrifying bus accident. We hit the barrier going up a bridge and we were jolted sideways so the right side of the bus (where I was) was raised and we were only driving on the left tires, and for about 15 awful seconds I thought we were going to flip off the bridge and into the water. We kept impacting the metal rods on top of the barrier, so we were all thrown around in the bus. Needless to say, extremely terrifying and traumatizing and I honestly thought that this was it for me.

However, as it was happening, all I could do was look out the front window and watch it all happen, and in that moment the only thoughts I really remember coming to my head were a multitude of verses, talking with Jesus, and praying for my friends and family.

While I’m definitely not happy this happened to me, the fact that I know my last moments would’ve been talking to Jesus, and trusting Him, is extremely comforting to me.

Sometimes we’re scared if our faith is truly genuine or not, and we’re scared of what we would do in a situation where you’re looking death in the face. So I’m choosing to look at last night as a confirmation of my faith and how incredible our God is for protecting all of us on that bus! PRAISE GOD everything was fine and all I have to show from the accident are banged up knees, a headache and a bit of shock still needing to wear off.

You truly never know when it’s going to be your last day on this earth, and I’m so grateful that yesterday wasn’t that day for me. Thank you so much to my amazing family and friends for being so wonderful and comforting to me last night and this morning. In case I don’t tell you guys enough, I love you all so much.

And here’s a video she’s just posted about it:

The day after the accident Katie’s big sister took her under her wing and made her dinner and hung out with her, and all was well. Here’s the pic Becca posted to Facebook with the caption, “I love my sister. I’m glad you’re not dead, Katie.”

I’m glad she’s not dead, too! But mostly what I’ve been thinking about is how grateful I am that God has a hold not only of my children’s safety, but also of their hearts, which ultimately is more important.

When I speak at women’s retreats, one of my big messages is to hold everything that God has given us very lightly, with our hands open. When we try to grasp those things, and hold them in a tightly clenched fist, we’re not actually able to enjoy them. But when we know that our life is based on Christ, and not on our blessings, then it’s so much easier to enjoy our blessings because the fear is gone.

Katie learned that this week; it’s a lesson God’s been teaching me for a while now. But it reminds me again, and I’ll say it here again, that our prayers for our kids must be about far more than just safety. I love Paul’s prayers for his spiritual children–here’s Ephesians 3:14-19:

For this reason I kneel before the Father, 15 from whom every family[a] in heaven and on earth derives its name. 16 I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, 17 so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, 18 may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, 19 and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.

Do you notice how Paul doesn’t pray for safety? I think it’s because he knows that if people truly grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, then they’ll be okay–no matter what.

I will keep praying for safety, and I’m so grateful for my daughter’s safety (you have no idea!). But I am also reminded that safety is not the biggest thing: “For the things that are seen are temporary, but the things that are unseen are eternal.”

And so I am thankful today for my daughters’ hearts, too. They are in the right place, and that, as a mom, must always be the most important thing.

Do you have trouble letting go of worry for your kids? Why not start praying the prayers of Paul for his spiritual children? I’ve got some free prayer printables! And here’s the mobile version.

And now, everyone, have a very Happy Thanksgiving, and may your families be blessed in every way!

The post Thanksgiving: Thankful that My Daughter Was Saved! appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

Wifey Wednesday: How Do We Manage Expectations About Sex?

Expectations about sex can seriously affect our enjoyment of marriage.

It’s Wednesday, the day when we always talk marriage! I introduce a topic, and then you all can link up at the bottom with your own marriage posts.

And today I want to share a personal story and then some things I’ve seen on the web that have got me thinking. I’m hoping that we can all have a good discussion about this, because I’m not completely sure what the answer is.

So let me tell you my story for a bit of background.

Before we got married I picked up a Christian book on sex that was written by a guy. It doesn’t matter which one it was; but let’s just say that it made me a nervous wreck. It was all about how to have an orgasm your first time out, and it explained in detail what he was to do (rub this part 213 times, for instance) and what she was to do (basically nothing, just let him touch you in every way imaginable when it’s all brand new), and I just about died.

I read it in the bathtub, which is where I used to do most of my reading, and I was so upset that I drowned the book. I held it under the water until I was sure it was dead, and then I unceremoniously dumped it in the garbage.

I’m not really sure what I was expecting when it came to sex once we got married, but I can tell you that I wasn’t expecting what happened. It hurt, it was awkward, and it was a huge source of tension for us for  years.

We’ve gotten through it, but it was a big letdown.

And so, when I wrote The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, I was trying to do the opposite of what that book did. I was trying not to say, “this is what you have to do on your wedding night so that it’s amazing” and put so much pressure on nervous brides about what they must do and what they must experience, and just say, “relax, enjoy, and it will get there one day.”

I hope I succeeded. But I’m still not sure the culture and expectations about sex have shifted, and I’m still not sure how to say it in a short, easily understood message.

Then this week I read two articles by friends of mine who blog who looked at this whole question of expectations about sex in two different ways.

“Wait, wait, wait, and it will be great, great, great!”

Julie from Intimacy in Marriage was writing about the 5 lies that Christians believe about sex, and this was one of them. She says:

There are young people who hold up their end of the biblical bargain by maintaining their purity, only to discover on the wedding night that they kind have been duped.

Not by God.

But by other Christians.

I know, the lie wasn’t malicious.  But nothing good comes from painting a sweeping generalization that from the wedding night forward, sex will instantly be amazing.

Yet, that is what we tend to do.

We scream purity from the rooftops, but are conspicuously vague about sex in marriage. We offer up these polished promises that sex as a married couple will be a flawless blend of ease, tenderness, romance and pleasure.

It will look like every romantic chick flick they have ever seen.

Then — in what must feel like a shocking turn of events — many freshly-married couples close the door of the wedding night suite, only to find everything but sexual bliss.

Read the rest here.

Her point is that sometimes we OVERSELL sex.

In our effort to promote purity, do we sometimes OVERSELL how great sex will be?
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Will Sex in Marriage Be a Letdown?

Then the OTHER Julie over at Hot, Holy and Humorous was talking about the other side of it–how sometimes in our effort to prepare young people properly we UNDERSELL sex.

A 24-year-old young man asks this question,

I’m a 24-year-old man who is soon to be married and has never had sex (I know a 24-year-old virgin is quite a rarity in American society).

Anyway, I’ve been reading up on many of your articles on this website, and while I understand that in several of them that are geared towards newlyweds you typically give advice like lower expectations and that it won’t be perfect, I am afraid that I’m going to let my future wife down on our wedding night (or the first time we have sex, because I hear sometimes the wedding wears people out to the point where they don’t feel up to it that evening).

I have a few friends who waited until they were married to have sex and they all seem to say the same thing: that it wasn’t worth it to wait and that it wasn’t as big of a deal as everybody made it out to be.

She writes some great advice to get a good perspective (honestly, the post is really well done), and I completely agree with her.

How do you help young couples have realistic expectations of sex in marriage?
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What’s the Middle Ground with Healthy Expectations About Sex?

When we encourage people to wait for marriage for sex, we also need to give them a realistic idea of what they’re waiting for. Here’s what I want people to know:

God made sex to be an incredible experience in your marriage. It’s going to bring you much closer and help you feel much more intimate. It’s physically amazing. It’s simply fun!

But sex is also a skill which takes some work, and so don’t worry if you don’t get the physical bells and whistles right off the bat. You will get the closeness–revel in that, and then relax and enjoy yourselves and the rest will come.

After all, the best years for sex in marriage are years 16-24, so you have a lot to look forward to! Even if it’s not awesome right away, most people definitely get there! And you can speed up that process by reading good books about sex, relaxing, and showing each other grace.

But sex can also be a source of tension if, when expectations and reality collide, we give up trying, or we figure it’s not worth the hassle. So many couples settle–they settle for too little sex, or they settle for it never feeling that good. Don’t settle! If you want the benefits, you have to work.

The work is fun, though!

But the work also involves staying pure. The more you wander into pornography and stuff like that, the more you’ll rob your marriage of real pleasure.

And real pleasure if what God meant for you. So revel in your closeness and have fun, and you will get there!

That’s pretty much the message of  The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and that’s my philosophy.

But does it still sound too negative?

When I shared the first Julie’s post about “wait wait wait” on my Facebook page this week I had some pushback–several people said it was giving Christians a bad name, and they’d never heard these lies in churches before.

Other people jumped all over and said, “that’s what I grew up with!”

And I think that’s what we do grow up with, even if it’s never explicitly said out loud. We try to sell purity so much that we talk up how amazing sex is in marriage, and how awful it is if you don’t have real intimacy, and it’s pretty easy to draw the connection that “this must mean that if I wait it will be great!” And because most leaders don’t like talking about the mechanics of sex, they don’t really venture in to topics that may involve the word “orgasm”, so they don’t really elaborate.

But I worry sometimes that we’re giving too negative an impression, the kind that 24-year-old guy had.

So I’d love to know what you think–how do we talk about expectations about sex in a realistic way, without overselling or underselling it? And which way do you think we tend to go wrong?

Let me know in the comments–and let’s talk!

Now it’s your turn! If you’re a marriage blogger, link up the URL of a marriage post you like in the linky below. And then be sure to link back here so other people can read these great marriage posts!

The post Wifey Wednesday: How Do We Manage Expectations About Sex? appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

10 Questions About Sex Christian Women Ask

One of the most fun parts of my Girl Talk presentation–when I go into churches and talk about marriage, sex, and intimacy–is the anonymous Q&A when I answer people’s embarrassing questions about sex–questions they’ve had for ages, but have never been able to ask.

This month I was in Raeford, North Carolina, at RockFish Church, with a great crowd of about 200 women. And boy did they have a lot of questions about sex! I got through as many as I could, but there were about 10 left over at the end of the night that I didn’t have time for.

The interesting thing about these Q&A sessions is that the same questions about sex pop up again and again. So we all really wonder the same things. So I thought that today, for Top 10 Tuesday, I’d answer those 10 leftover questions by sending you all to some of the posts I’ve written on the different topics. So here we go!

1. Is it right for a Christian to practice different styles and positions of sex?

It’s not only right, it’s good! We have freedom to enjoy sex and God created it and WANTS us to! It’s not like one position is necessarily holier than another, and in fact, many women find that positions OTHER than the missionary position are more likely to help them reach orgasm (especially being on top, since you can control the angle a little bit better).

I think people have this idea that God thinks that most things that are highly exciting must therefore be sinful. They know God wants us to have sex, but the only way to do it is the most boring way possible.

But why do we associate boredom and lack of pleasure with holiness? Why not instead aim to have a pure, holy and HOT marriage! After all, God made us to be passionate, and when we’re really in the throes of passion, we lose inhibition. That’s how we’re created. That’s what’s supposed to happen. We’re supposed to get a little bit (or a lot) out of control. And you can’t be out of control if you’re always worried about being proper.

More resources for this sex question:

Why You Can’t Be a Control Freak in the Bedroom

31 Days to Great Sex (there are challenges on how to try new positions!)

2. Is Oral Sex Okay?

And here’s another question about oral sex on similar lines: Since having kids I feel very uncomfortable giving oral sex, not sure why, but I have said on occasion, “You don’t get it, I kiss my kids with that mouth!” Somehow it got creepy for me.

I actually left this general answer in the comments yesterday in response to a similar question:

And I do believe that it’s also mentioned in the Song of Solomon–2:3 (his fruit is sweet to my taste.). Personally, I don’t think there’s anything in the Bible that prohibits it, and I do believe that the marriage bed is holy. God gave us our bodies, and there aren’t any particular parts that are less holy than others, and there’s nothing that makes oral sex dangerous (unlike anal sex).

That said, I would never suggest pressuring anyone to do it, and it also doesn’t have to be “the whole thing”–as in you can use it for foreplay and not for climax if women especially are uncomfortable with that. But that’s just my opinion!

As for being creeped out by it now that you’re a mom, I think this has less to do with oral sex and more to do with how you see yourself (and sex) now that you’re a mom.

I think we need to get away from this idea that “good girls” don’t do “wild and crazy things”–and that somehow doing something that’s super personal and really pleasurable is now odd since I’m a mom.

Now that you’re a mom, what your kids need most is to feel like the marriage is rock solid.

And now that you’re a mom, you need that feeling like, “I’m super close to my husband, we have great sex, and it helps me escape from mommyhood.” Being a mom is not all you are!

However, there are also hormonal changes when we’re breastfeeding that can make our libidos much lower, and when they are lower we’re less likely to experiment, and that can be going on here.

More resources for this sex question:

Sex When Your Hormones are Out of Whack

10 sex questions Christian women are asking--here are answers!
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3. What do you do when you haven’t had sex in 8yrs, I don’t desire it and he never tries.  He now drinks every night, could this be because we used to have great sex?

It absolutely could. I’d like to do know WHY you haven’t had sex in eight years–is it just because you don’t desire it, so you’ve thought, “unless he initiates I’m off the hook”? That’s really wrong. Sex isn’t an optional part of marriage.

And when a woman refuses sex consistently, a guy will often stop asking and will withdraw (in this case into alcohol).

More resources for this sex question:

When Your Husband Never Initiates Sex

How Do You Reset Your Sex Life?

Rebuilding Your Sex Life After Years of Refusing Sex

4. How do you squirt?

I’m going to let my friend Julie from Intimacy in Marriage handle this sex question! She wrote about female ejaculation recently.

Female Ejaculation and the G-Spot

5. Hubby and I are dealing with his major infidelity, both in therapy.  I still have a desire for him, but he’s still reeling.  What’s healthy?  We are in separate bedrooms while he is learning more about his sexual addiction.  I want to be patient and steadfast, caring and love him like God does.

First, that’s so wonderful that you’re rebuilding! It’s beautiful when God takes something that was broken and then reworks it into something lovely, and He can do that with you.

I think staying separate for a while is likely a good idea. The problem with rushing sex is that it can mean you take a short-cut through the healing process, because sex gives this sense of intimacy. And we can be quick to want to get back in bed to prove that we’re okay, when really what you need is to break down the walls of communcation between you and get to deeper levels of emotional intimacy.

Seeing a counselor is so important at this time, and a counselor can likely help you figure out when to rebuild your sex life.

More resources that can help with this sex question:

Books on Dealing with Affairs in Marriage

Getting to Deeper Levels of Communication with Your Spouse

Discovering Your Husband is Having an Affair

6. Is mutual masturbation a sin?

Nope! In fact, it can be a fun addition to your sex life, and it can help you both understand a little bit better what turns you on!

Masturbation becomes a problem when it’s done in secret, when it steals sexual energy from the spouse, or when it replaces intercourse altogether (or mostly). But pleasuring each other, or being together like that, isn’t wrong. It’s just other ways to have fun!

More resources that can help with this question about sex:

Is Masturbation in Marriage a Sin?

7. How can I discourage my husband from asking for anal sex all the time.  I’m NOT doing it.

You’re very wise, because anal sex isn’t like vaginal sex. The anus and vagina are anatomically totally different, and it isn’t healthy. And much of the desire for it has been fuelled by porn, so that makes me nervous. I don’t believe it’s sinful, but I do believe that it falls under the heading, “Everything is permissible, but not everything is beneficial.”

More resources to help with this question about sex:

The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex (I explain in detail why anal sex isn’t the same as other intercourse)

Deciding Your Boundaries in the Bedroom

Is Sexual Selfishness Robbing Your Marriage of Intimacy?

Top 10 Sexual Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore

8. How do I get hubby to try new things? He is super old fashioned.

A few quick thoughts: Have a conversation about it. Ask to have “his nights” and “her nights” on different Saturdays, and on your night you agree to do what you want to do, and on his nights you do what he wants to do, and the other nights of the month are just regular.

Work through a book together, like 31 Days to Great Sex, which builds on each challenge and has specific lessons that really aren’t intimidating if you go through it slowly. Sometimes having it written down gives you permission and it doesn’t feel so odd.

You be the one to initiate so that you can control the pace and position better.

More resources for this sex question:

31 Days to Great Sex

Deck of Dares

How to Spice Things Up in the Bedroom

9. What do you do when sex feels like a chore?  We just have busy lives.

You need to think about it differently! And put more priority on it. If it’s always something you do as an after thought, because you have to, when you’re just trying to get everything else done, then it’s not going to be fun. It it is going to feel like a chore.

More resources to help with this sex question:

Getting Over Thinking of Sex as a Chore

Top 10 Ways to Stop Being Too Tired to Have Sex

Top 10 Positive Things to Tell Yourself About Sex

How to Spice Things Up in the Bedroom (this one applies here, too!)

Sexy Stocking Stuffers for Your Husband (put some effort in at Christmas to show him that in the New Year you want things to be different!)

10. How do I make my husband feel like I am putting him first when there are certain tasks in the evening that I have to complete in order to fully concentrate on him?

Tell him! Talk to him and say, “if I get this stuff done I’ll be able to give myself fully to you tonight!” And then follow through. But explain to him how women’s brains work: when we’re distracted by our to-do lists, it’s hard to concentrate on sex, but if we can take care of our distractions, sex is much more fun!

And having a quickie earlier in the evening, every now and then, just adds some excitement and tells him, “I really do care about you!”

More resources to help with this sex question:

Quickies Can Be Fun!

How to Get Your Head in the Game

Still have more questions about sex? The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex has everything you wanted to know about how God made sex, why He made it the way He did, and how to make it great. It’s divided into three parts: the physical aspect of sex, the emotional aspect of sex, and the spiritual aspect of sex. And the book tells you how to make your marriage ROCK in each of these three areas, and then what to do if there are specific problems.

Don’t miss this great resource!

Whew. There. I think I got through all the questions about sex!

Remember, you can bring Girl Talk to your church–where I’ll give my talk about sex and marriage, and then I’ll answer your questions, too, in a tasteful way (don’t worry!). See my schedule here, and you can always email my assistant Tammy to see when I’ll be in your area!

Have any other questions about sex you’d like to ask? Leave them in the comments!

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Reader Question: Is Watching Porn Together Okay if We Both Agree?

Is watching porn together as a couple okay if you’re both consenting adults?

Every Monday I like to post a Reader Question and take a stab at answering it! But first, something quick:

I spent this weekend updating my blog! I changed the design, and made it much easier to browse past posts! Just click on the menus above and you’ll find all the categories of the blogs and snippets of posts. There are still some bugs I’m working out (especially on the mobile end), but I’m getting there! I hope you like it!

Now, on with the question of the day: When I do my Girl Talk, my one night event at churches where I talk about marriage and sex, I invariably get a variation of this question:

My husband and I like to watch porn together. If we’re both consenting, and he’s not watching it in secret, is it okay?

So today, let’s look at that one.

Before we get into my argument, I’d just like to point out that even if you are consenting, you are inviting a third (or fourth, or fifth) person into your bedroom with you. That IS adultery. And you’re watching people do stuff together which they shouldn’t be doing (I’m pretty sure they’re not married). And even if they were, to deliberately be exhibitionist is simply not right. And now you’re getting aroused by someone other than your spouse, which is also wrong.

But I know that, if you’re asking the question, you may not agree with me that watching porn together really IS bad. So here are four other reasons that you should steer clear of porn:

1. You May Be Consenting–but Are The “Porn Stars”?

You and your husband may be consenting, but pornography doesn’t just involve the people watching. There’s also the people who make the porn. And even if you decide to only go on “nice” sites where there’s just sex between two people, and “nothing weird”, how do you know those people are consenting?

It’s widely known that drugs are rampant in the porn industry. Drug addiction is huge. And that’s often the reason that people make porn–to support their habit.

That’s not consent.

Porn also heavily uses trafficked women. How do you know you’re not feeding that?

And finally, “revenge porn” is a huge problem. When people break up, their ex leaks the sex tape. In many cases you’re watching something that another individual never meant to be made public. There’s too much risk involved to be hurting others.

Watching porn together may sound exciting--but it will wreck your sex life.
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2. Watching Porn Together Will Hurt Your Chances of Feeling Truly Intimate

I’ve talked before about how one of the major problems with pornography is that it trains your brain to be aroused by an image or a fantasy rather than a person.

Then sex stops being about intimacy and emotional and spiritual closeness and starts being only about the body–you’re almost using each other rather than loving each other. Studies (including one that I did when writing The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex) have repeatedly found that women who enjoy sex the most and who are most likely to reach orgasm are those who feel the most intimate–not those who stretch their sexual boundaries the most or watch pornography or use sex toys.

In fact, the more you watch porn, the more you start to need porn to get aroused. And it’s so hard to get those images out of your head.

To read more about this, check out my post on the Top 10 Effects of Porn, or check out Covenant Eyes’ ebook Your Brain on Porn.

3. Watching Porn Together Will Send Your Sexual Desires in a Strange Direction

Pornography does not center around “normal” sexual activity between two people–you know, having sex in one of the basic positions. It tends to focus on other things that are more “camera intense”. I mean, let’s face it, having sex in the missionary position is not easily photographic. Positions where the guy is more dominant are much easier to photograph and make it exciting. And other sex acts are easier to photograph, too.

So watching porn really does increase our desire for certain sexual practices. Here are two examples: anal sex tended to be thought of as perverse, fringe, and something only homosexuals do until the last 10-12 years, when internet porn became big. Now it’s commonplace, and many couples want to do it (and many women feel pressured by their husbands to do it).

I tend to be one who believes the more positions, the better! But I stop here. That’s just not safe. The anus is not the same as a vagina; it’s intended to let stuff out, not let stuff in, and if you repeatedly stretch it like that, it’s simply unwise and unhealthy. The walls of the anus are so much thinner than the vagina, too, making it so much easier to spread diseases.

Here’s another instance: 15 years ago it was unheard of to completely shave “down there”–you know, the whole Brazilian wax. Now it’s become quite common. And the reason is the porn industry, since in porn any pubic hair on women is frowned upon. So it’s changing our standards of beauty. But do you know why they completely shave? So that they look more like little girls. That’s right–it’s all tied into the desire for pre-pubescent girls. It’s wrapped up in child porn!  (I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with trimming hair or getting rid of some hair so oral sex, for instance, it’s easier. But getting rid of everything–even the stuff that isn’t in the way? The reason it started being a ‘thing’ is because of the sexualization of children).

4. By Watching Porn You Feed an Evil Industry

No one starts out thinking, “I’d like to watch a child being raped live over the internet“. Yet all too many people eventually wander into that part of the web. And how do they get there? They start watching “regular” porn, and then it stops giving them the same high or the same excitement, and so they look for more. And they keep going down and down and down that road until they end up with child porn.

Obviously not everyone who watches porn will watch child porn, but pretty much everyone who watches child porn started out with regular porn. And those children are being raped. They are being abused. In many cases, they are being killed. Some of it is happening here in North America, but there is a whole industry of it in Cambodia and Thailand where little children are used like this.

Even if you never go down this road, you feed and support the demand for an industry which takes others down that road.

If the internet porn industry wasn’t there, the child porn industry wouldn’t be there. By others supporting internet porn and talking about how “it’s no big deal”, we end up fueling the desire for truly evil stuff.

It’s like in areas where marijuana has been legalized. It was thought this would make the drug problem better, since marijuana could be regulated. But marijuana is a gateway drug; once you use it, it’s easier to start harder drugs. Well, “normal” porn is a gateway to the other stuff. Once we use it, it’s easier to go to the stuff that is truly awful, where violence against women is part of the excitement or where children are involved.

When we support the gateway, we make that gateway bigger. And then it’s easier for more people to go through that gateway.

Is Watching Porn Together okay--if you both consent? 4 reasons you should steer clear!
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That’s why I believe watching porn is always wrong. It doesn’t matter if you’re both consenting; it will wreck your intimacy and it fuels something evil.

I was really saddened recently when I heard that a Christian sex author that I know and that I used to respect has been saying in interviews that watching porn together is okay. I’m not sure how this author can ever make such a pronouncement. We need to take a strong stand against this. If you want to heat up your sex life, there’s so much more you can do that is healthy and that will grow your intimacy–not take away from it.

Read my book 31 Days to Great Sex together–it’s filled with challenges for new positions and how to spice things up, if that’s what you need (as well as lots of challenges on how to get more affectionate, how to flirt, and lots of other things!)

But please, don’t watch porn. That’s a door you just don’t want to open.

Let me know in the comments: have you had experience with porn wrecking your relationship or your ability to feel intimate?

UPDATE: I changed this post from its original to stress more than it IS adultery. I’ve always believed that, but I wanted to try to use more persuasive arguments first. I now think I should have stressed that more in the beginning, so I’ve amended it!

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Don’t Be Scared To Say The Things That Need To Be Said

Sheila’s Marriage Moment: Say the Things that Need to Be Said!

Every Friday I do a blog round-up–what was biggest on the blog and on social media this week. And I also include a 400-word “marriage inspirational moment”. Here’s this week’s!

Lauren and Bob were deeply in debt. Lauren kept seeing the bills come in the mail, and Bob would grab them–but cheques were never written.

“I’m not sleeping well, and I’m worried we’re going to lose the house. But if I bring it up he’ll accuse me of not trusting him.”

Lauren knew something was wrong, but she was afraid that dealing with it would wreck their relationship.

Sometimes in every marriage there’s something that needs to be addressed. Maybe it’s something as serious as debt, but maybe it’s simply that you’re afraid he doesn’t find you attractive, and it’s making you insecure so you pull away. Or maybe you’re afraid your sex life is getting boring, but you’re afraid of his answer if you ask.

When an issue is blocking our intimacy, it needs to be dealt with. In Leslie Vernick’s book How to Act Right When Your Spouse Acts Wrong, she shares the story of Beth, who found evidence that her husband Roger was unfaithful. Beth said nothing. Leslie writes,

Beth thought she was acting lovingly by putting up with Roger’s behaviour. Her “loving” actions, however, had her own interests in mind, not Roger’s. Beth was afraid to speak honestly with her husband and confront Roger for fear he’d get mad and leave…

However, if genuine love is defined by actions that are directed toward another person’s good, let’s think for a moment of what was in Roger’s best interests. Beth’s husband didn’t need her to continue to indulge his behaviours; he needed her to confront them. By saying nothing, Beth showed that she didn’t love Roger enough to risk losing him.

Are you acting out of sacrificial love for your husband, or are you holding back out of insecure neediness in yourself? The latter may look like love–“I’m accepting him as he is”–but it’s motivated not by his best interests but by your deepest fears.

If you love your husband, then say the things that need to be said.

I know those conversations are difficult, but each time we run from needed conversations, we build up walls to intimacy. God wants us to have authentic relationships; after all, Jesus is the Way, the Truth, and the Life. He embodies truth; and when we bring things to light, we give God the chance to do amazing things in our lives. When we continue to hide because of fear or insecurity, we steal God’s opportunity to heal us. So live in the light, not the darkness. It’s risky–but big risks have big rewards!

When there are hard things that need to be said, to keep silent is to sacrifice intimacy.
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What’s #1 at To Love, Honor and Vacuum?

#1 NEW Post on the Blog: Top 10 Positive Things To Say to Yourself About Sex

#1 on the Blog Overall: Stocking Stuffers for Your Husband

#1 from Facebook: When Texting/Facebook Cross the Line

#1 from Pinterest: When You Don’t Want to Make Love

How to Act Right When Your Spouse Acts Wrong

As I’ve been flying around and traveling around I’ve read a number of books, and I really enjoyed Leslie Vernick’s How to Act Right When Your Spouse Acts Wrong (which I quoted in my marriage moment, above). I thought I’d share just a few quotes with you that sum up the book:

God’s word states that we overcome evil with good when we choose to respond to wrongdoing in way that are godly, righteous, and loving. In other words, we should respond to our spouse’s wrongs in ways that are in his or her long-term best interests…

It is never wise or godly to sacrifice our self in order to give your spouse more license to sin (gamble, abuse drugs, abuse us or our children, etc.)

On how we act when our spouse hurts us:

(She’s talking about a woman named Sheila here! I swear it’s not me!)

Sheila wanted her husband to be more responsible and helpful. Her desires for these things are legitimate and normal; they are desires most spouses have. Sheila is not wrong for having them. But consider what happened to Sheila and in Sheila when she didn’t get what she desired. What came up and out of her heart when Jeff failed her again? In her legitimate disappointment and anger, Sheila lost control of her tongue and her temper. Although her husband was clearly wrong, how can Sheila learn to act right in these circumstances? What might God be trying to show Sheila that will help her become more like Him?…

The deepest desire of Paul’s heart was to know Jesus and to be conformed to his image. When our other desires, however good and legitimate, take first place in our heart, God calls them idols. We will be controlled by them instead of by God. God often allows life’s circumstances to reveal our primary desires or first loves, so that we can see that they have become idols. They are those things (apart from God) we think we need for life, happiness, and well-being. God revealed to Sheila that she was basing her well-being upon the actions of her husband. God wanted Sheila’s well-being to be dependent upon him.

See Leslie’s book here.

Is It Love or Is It Infatuation?

Katie’s got a new video up for her partner, Project Inspired. I thought she made a good point here: how to tell whether it’s really love or whether it’s just infatuation. Check it out–and then share it with single women you know!



“I think there are many times when infatuation masquerades as love.”

Chivalry Isn’t Dead!

We had a long day yesterday–we were flying home from Charleston to Toronto through Newark, and our flight was delayed, and then cancelled. We had to fly to Montreal instead, and then my husband picked me up there. It was a long day. And Newark airport doesn’t have wifi!

But on three separate occasions men lifted our really heavy carry-ons and our suitcases for us. Just out of the blue. Often that doesn’t happen, but yesterday the guys did. And I so appreciated it.

Seriously, if there are any men reading this–we really appreciate stuff like that!

And on Instagram…

I shared most of my recent pics in my roundup post yesterday about my trip, so I thought I’d share one of my older daughter’s posts.

She just got married, and here she is, rock climbing with her husband. I’m so proud of them! They’re putting a priority on finding things to do together. Yay for starting well!

Out rock climbing with my wonderful husband who is definitely way more jacked than I am

On Slavery, Seeing the World in an RV, and Alligators

As you’re reading this, I’m flying home from Charleston, South Carolina back to southern Ontario.

I’ve been on the road since October 30, giving 3 Girl Talks in Maryland, Delaware, and North Carolina, doing several media interviews, and birdwatching with my hubby.

Keith left to go back home last week, and my assistant Tammy flew down to come with me to my Girl Talk in Raeford, North Carolina. We then spent a few days sightseeing and brainstorming and planning for the next three years. We live eight hours away from each other, so it was really handy being together and having some time to plan!

And we had gorgeous weather in Myrtle Beach. Seriously–we worked out on our balcony looking out over the ocean!

We really do need to plan better, though, because Myrtle Beach is deserted, since it’s hurricane season. When I initially planned this year, my husband and I thought, “let’s go down the eastern seaboard in the fall, leave the RV in the south, and then come back up through the centre in the spring!” That’s right, folks. We planned to hit the eastern seaboard during hurricane season and then come back up the centre during tornado season. From now on we’ll reverse it and do it smarter.

A few cool things I just wanted to share with you about my trip.

First, yesterday Tammy and I went to Boone Hall Plantation in Charleston, South Carolina.

I thought it was cool because as a teenager I loved the North & South miniseries! And it was filmed there. I could almost feel Patrick Swayze riding up the lane. Recognize it?

Plus I saw an alligator!

But what really hit me was the slave exhibits. They still had original slave quarters standing and great exhibits about slavery on the plantation in the pre-civil war era.

Look at this roster: 174,000 slaves were brought over on ships, but only 147,000 survived the journey.

On this trip, and on the first RV trip my husband and I took in September, we’ve visited a number of places that have made the civil rights movement hit home. First, we were at the Abraham Lincoln museum in September, where they had great exhibits on slavery:

Then we saw the civil rights exhibit at the National Archives in Washington. Then Tammy and I visited the Martin Luther King Jr. National Historic Site in Atlanta.

People have fought so hard for justice and to be recognized.

We’re Still Haven’t Won the Fight for Human Dignity

But all of this has just got me thinking anew about how hard so many have fought for basic human rights and basic human dignity. And this week it’s hit home that it’s still a fight. The attacks in Paris were awful. How anyone can think that they are serving God by blowing people up is beyond absurd to me–it’s seriously evil and twisted.

And then, in a less dramatic way, I had an incident here. I had to erase a series of comments by a man claiming that there’s technically no such thing as rape in marriage.

I honestly didn’t know anyone still believed that. I thought we won that battle years ago. But I guess not. And this guy uses Scripture to argue other points, so he claims to be a Christian. And he’s the third one in two weeks!

I just want to reiterate, for the record, that while I believe in the right to free speech, that does not mean that anyone has the right to post on this blog. And if people write things which I believe give Christ a bad name, then I will not post them and I will delete them. If this were only a blog for Christians, and we were all involved in friendly debates, that would be one thing. But probably half of the people who visit arrive from Google and aren’t using Christian words in their search terms. So they’re likely not believers.

And I will not have people who claim to be believers giving such an evil image of Christianity that they turn people away from Christ. Not on my blog.

I hope that’s clear.

I posted on Facebook about this ruckus; the comments were interesting, too.

I’m Coming Back to the Carolinas and Georgia and Florida!

Keith and I are flying back down in January and doing a little tour in Florida (and a lot of birdwatching) and then heading to Texas for February. Then in April we’re heading back to the Carolinas and up home.

Now that Tammy and I have done my schedule for the next three years, this is what I know:

I will not be returning to the southeast for at least three years.

So if you’d like to host a Girl Talk, contact us now! We can likely still fit you in in April (and if you’re in Florida, we have some slots in January–and in Texas in February!).

Next year we’re heading back through the centre of the U.S. and then out to California, Oregon and Washington. We’ll also be hitting British Columbia and the Maritimes in Canada next year, too.

The year after I’m taking a break to write my book, and I’ll be doing Australia and Kenya/Tanzania.

I really am enjoying speaking at so many churches now that we have this RV and we can travel around! So I’d love to join you, too, if you’re in one of those areas. Just email Tammy!

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Wifey Wednesday: How Do I Stop Being a Jealous Wife?

What do you do if you’re sick of always being a jealous wife?

It’s Wednesday, the day when we always talk marriage! I introduce a topic, and then you all can link up your own marriage posts at the linky below. I’ve had two questions come into the blog lately about jealousy in marriage, and today I thought I’d take a stab at them.

One reader writes:

I have a wonderful husband, but lately I have been having issues with insecurity. We have been married for 4 years now, but recently since having our second child I’ve been obsessed with thinking that my husband wants someone better than me. I have been monitoring his phone, social media, etc. even though I know that he is doing nothing wrong. I get mad when I see other woman have called or messaged him, even if he ignored them or if it was purely business related. I feel like he is looking at other woman when I’m not around, or fantasizing about ex’s. I have voiced my insecurities to him several times and he just laughs it off, telling me that I am being ridiculous and to think logically. I know he is right, but I can’t stop these feelings.

Another reader writes:

I love my husband. We recently had a deep conversation about his ex. They didn’t really break up. She called him one day and wanted to go to the movie with him and he never told her he was married now. I took it upon myself to declare that we were. I wonder if he loves her more than me. They share common hobbies and we don’t have anything in common. I want to be the only one that has his heart and I don’t want her to have not even a piece of it. I just want him to let her go.

Great questions! And let’s take a look at this insidious little thing called jealousy–and figure out how we can stop ourselves from feeling like jealous wives.

Jealousy Truth #1: There Are Only Two Reasons for Jealousy–You or Him

There really are only two roots to jealousy: either he’s doing something wrong and you’re picking up on it, or there’s a deep insecurity inside of you and you’re projecting it on to him.

You need to figure out which one it is!

Jealousy in marriage is a signal that something is wrong: either with him or with you.
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Let’s take these two letter writers at face value, and assume there’s nothing else going on behind the surface. It seems that with Letter #1, the problem really is with the wife, not with the husband. With Letter #2, though, the husband really is acting inappropriately.

I’ve already written a longer post on jealousy in marriage, on what to do if you’re specifically jealous of a woman your husband works with. That’s got lots of tips to work through a specific situation, and I recommend that you read it if that’s what you’re going through!

I don’t want to repeat that post today, so I want to look at some big picture issues about jealousy that can stop you from always feeling like a jealous wife.

Jealousy Truth #2: You Have the Right to Be Your Husband’s Sole Object of Love and Admiration

When you married, you did so “forsaking all others”. That’s what marriage is–it says that from now on, you are the only one who gets my love.

You are not wrong for wanting your husband to love you and you only.

Often what happens is that a husband starts a relationship that he says is perfectly platonic and doesn’t mean anything–because he loves you and only you. But it’s still inappropriate. In the second letter writer’s case, it is totally inappropriate for him to continue to see his ex-girlfriend, especially if he hasn’t told his ex-girlfriend he’s married. It doesn’t matter if he says to his wife, “Stop being so jealous! We’re not doing anything.” For a husband to spend one on one time with someone else, or to constantly text or communicate with another woman, is to violate something important.

Even if he tries to turn it back on you and say, “it’s your fault for being so paranoid”, you have the right to feel like his only object of affection.

So set some firm boundaries about what is and isn’t okay for both of you to do with members of the other sex. Talk about it. If he won’t agree, then it’s likely time to bring in a mentor couple or see a counselor. Spending a lot of one on one time outside of marriage, even if they say there’s nothing physical going on, is really dangerous.

Jealousy Truth #3: Often We Pick Up on Things Before We Can Prove Them

Here’s the other tricky thing about jealousy in marriage: often we know something is wrong before we can put our finger on what it is.

A wife may have gone through ten years of marriage without feeling jealous at all, but then suddenly she finds that she has this compulsion to always check his phone, or to call him at work to see if he’s really where he says he is.

If jealous feelings start out of the blue, when they weren’t part of your marriage before, it may be that you’re picking up on something that’s wrong.

So what do you do?

Find a mentor you can talk to and bounce things off of. Find someone who will pray with you and will help you sort out your feelings–whether they stem from something he is doing or something in your own heart. And finally, you may need to see a counselor together.

The key is to figure out WHY you’re feeling something is off. Is it that your sex life has suddenly dulled? Does he stop looking you in the eye? Is it that he doesn’t want to spend time with you anymore? That is the place to start the conversation.

Sometimes we don’t want to start that conversation because we don’t want our worst fears realized. While we hate being jealous, the thought of actually knowing something is wrong and having to deal with it is overwhelming. But you can’t get your marriage back by wishful thinking. God works in Truth; when things are brought to light, then He is able to deal with them. When we keep things hidden, all we’re doing is preserving the shell of the marriage while burying the authentic relationship deeper and deeper.

Talk about it. I know it’s scary, but it’s the only way.

Jealousy Truth #4: No One Else Can Fill a Void in Your Own Heart

And now, the other side: sometimes we feel like there’s something going on and there really isn’t. It truly is just a problem with ourselves. That’s what our first letter writer seems to be going through. She’s had two kids, and she likely has some body issues now. She feels like she’s a boring mom, and she worries that she’s not exciting anymore.

But if you’re feeling insecure in yourself, there’s often very little your husband can do about that. You need to base your worth in God, not in anything else.

Talk to your husband and say, “I know I’m really struggling. I’m feeling so down on myself and so I’m snapping at you and accusing you of things you wouldn’t do because I don’t know why you’d choose me. Can you pray for me? Can you be patient with me as I try to figure this out?”

And then find someone else to pray with, or find a counselor to talk to, who can let you know that you are worth something. You are precious. You are a great mom, and you are a great wife, and you’re married to a great guy. And nothing can change that.

Jealousy Truth #5: God Doesn’t Want You Burdened with Jealousy

One more thing, that I so want you all to understand.

I have known women who think that jealousy is normal. They’ve grown up seeing men cheat on women, or seeing men walk out, and so they’ve never learned how to trust. To them, it’s normal to have insecurities.

God never intended us to be jealous in marriage.

Truly, let that sink in.

It is not normal to watch where your husband’s eyes are going all the time to see if he’s checking out other women.

It is not normal to have a compulsion to check his phone whenever he’s not in the room.

It is not normal to question him when he comes home about what the women look like at his workplace.

None of this is normal.

Some of it may be very smart to do if you have reason to be jealous. But none of it is normal.

So if you are doing these things, it needs to stop. You need to figure out what the root of the problem is so that you can get past it and you don’t need to live with this burden anymore.

That is too heavy a burden to carry.

So go back to point #1, and ask yourself: is the problem with me or with him? If it’s with him, confront him. If it’s with you, then start running to Jesus to work on your self-worth.

But please know: you aren’t supposed to carry this. Jealousy is caused either by someone else sinning or by brokenness in yourself. God wants to heal both of those scenarios. He doesn’t want you living in this icky place.

So don’t be scared. Walk through the fear. God can carry you, no matter what you find out. And then, on the other side, you can finally have that authentic relationship you really want. You can stop being a jealous wife, and start being a thriving wife!

Now it’s your turn! What advice do you have for us today? Link up your own marriage post by leaving the URL in the linky below!

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