Sheila Wray Gregoire's Blog, page 171
November 17, 2015
Top 10 Positive Things To Say To Yourself About Sex
When I was giving my Girl Talk on Sunday night near Fayetteville, North Carolina, one of the points I made is that for women, our sex drives are primarily in our heads. For men, it’s a little bit lower, but for women, it’s almost entirely what we’re thinking.
The messages that we tell ourselves about sex, then, really do determine our libidos!
I was talking to several women after the event, and they were all wondering: how do I jumpstart my libido again after I’ve had a bunch of kids? How do I start seeing it as something fun when it’s become so boring? How can I look forward to sex when I’ve never had an orgasm and I’m starting to doubt I really will?
The problem is that the more we focus on these negative things–I have no libido and can’t get in the mood; I can’t have an orgasm; sex is boring—the more it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.
But here’s the good news: because our sex drives are almost entirely in our heads, we have an amazing weapon! We can deliberately tell ourselves good things, and that can actually change our experience of sex! If we’re lying there during sex, waiting to feel good, and letting our mind wander, nothing will happen. But if we start giving ourselves positive messages, sex will feel so much better–and we’ll feel so much closer to our husbands, too!
So here you go, for Top 10 Tuesday: 10 positive things to tell yourself about sex.
1. I am going to rock my husband’s world tonight!
When to say this: Throughout the day. Even text it to him!
Why say this: Sometimes we’re insecure. We think our bodies aren’t good enough or that we aren’t good enough. But tell yourself–I’m going to make him feel amazing! And then, tonight, jump him! Be the one to initiate or the one to get on top, and see the effect you have on him. It makes you feel powerful–and that helps you feel better about sex!
2. I am going to feel so relaxed after this.
When to say this: Earlier in the night, when you’re really tired and you’re thinking that you don’t want sex.
Why say this: Remember–sex puts you to sleep! And so you’ll sleep better. Instead of saying, “not tonight, honey. I’m too exhausted,” say, “Come put me to sleep, baby!”
Want to enjoy great sex in your marriage? Then tell yourself great things about sex!
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3. What is feeling good right now?
When to say this: While you’re making love
Why say this: It may not sound positive, but if you start asking the question–“what is feeling good?”, or, in another version, “what wants to be touched right now?”, then you start to pay attention to your body. Blood will flow to the right places. You’ll notice that things ARE feeling good. And then you’re more likely to feel pleasure. If you let your mind wander, hoping that pleasure will overtake your wanderings, it’s far less likely to happen. Be deliberate!
4. I can reach orgasm one day.
When to say this: Whenever you get depressed or doubtful.
Why say this: If it doesn’t happen, we can often feel hopeless. But there’s nothing wrong with your body. You simply need to learn to relax more and not worry about it too much; concentrate on the pleasure, not the goal; and maybe tweak a little bit what you’re doing. I’ve got a post on that here, and tons in both my books, The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex and 31 Days to Great Sex.
5. My body was created to feel pleasure.
When to say this: When you’re in the shower, when you’re on your own throughout the day–just smile to yourself!
Why say this: Sometimes we forget that we exist from the neck down. We tune the rest of ourselves out. Don’t! Pay attention to your body throughout the day, and remember that no matter what shape your body is in, it can still feel wonderful.
6. I want to laugh together tonight.
When to say this: Throughout the day, whenever you’re stressed.
Why say this: Sometimes sex gets too serious, and that’s why we avoid it. But sex can be fun. You can be like two giggling newlyweds beneath the covers! When we stop being so serious about it, it can become a lot more fun. And then it can help you and your husband feel a lot closer, too.
7. I deserve to feel good tonight.
When to say this: When you’re exhausted with your children.
Why say this: When we go into “mommy” mode we often think that we can’t escape it. Our libidos are gone. But fight back! If you’re in mommy mode, that’s all the more reason that you need to have great sex tonight. Maybe trying to focus on boosting your libido or on getting excited isn’t working. But try this approach: instead of saying, “he needs to feel close to me”, or “I know sex is important in our marriage”, or “I know I should”, say, “I deserve this!” Because you do! You were created to feel great. And so fight for it. Fight to get out of the mommy funk and feel like a wife again!
8. I love feeling my husband inside me.
When to say this: When you’re going for a walk with your husband or you’re just talking with him.
Why say this: Jumpstart your libido by letting yourself daydream when you’re talking to him! Making love is such an intimate experience, so when you’re with your hubby just talking, remember that “this can go further”, and I like that!
9. I can be a wildcat!
When to say this: When you’re bored during the day or you get depressed about routine in your life.
Why say this: Remember that sex can be an antidote to monotony. Instead of letting the monotony in the rest of your life infect your sex life, let your sex life be something that breaks the monotony! Smile to yourself and realize, “even if everyone else sees me as nothing but a busy mom or as a secretary or as a waitress, I can be wild!” And then imagine some wilder things you can do to be more adventurous in bed. It’s a great confidence boost!
10. I love my husband and I want our marriage to be rock solid.
When to say this: When you’re heading to bed.
Why say this: To remind yourself that sex is more than sex; it’s also making love. And the most precious thing you have on this earth is your marriage–it’s the foundation for everything else. Isn’t it great how sex can cement that relationship?
Marriage is where sex goes to THRIVE! Top 10 Positive things to tell yourself about sex
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In short, ladies, get your head out of thinking about your to-do list and all the things that rob you of pleasure, and get your head thinking about all the things that give you pleasure.
Why? Because you’ll sleep better; you’ll have a stronger marriage; you’ll be more relaxed; you’ll feel more confident; and little things won’t bug you as much in your everyday life.
Sex has such tremendous benefits, but sometimes it’s hard to flip that switch and get “in the mood”. So fight back! Tell yourself good things. And see what a difference that will make!
Now let me know in the comments: what message do YOU have to tell yourself about sex?
The post Top 10 Positive Things To Say To Yourself About Sex appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.
November 16, 2015
Some Bloggers Write Awesome Stuff About Sex
I’m sitting in a motel right now after giving my Girl Talk to 200 women at RockFish Church near Fayetteville, North Carolina last night.
Here I am arguing that because our culture has removed sex from the context of a marriage relationship, the body becomes way too important since it’s all about the physical now. And that’s why we all feel so much pressure to look a certain way. It’s just sad.
Anyway, we had a great night, but I’m tired! So I thought rather than share a long post today I’d share a bunch of different thoughts and resources I’ve found over the last week. So here we go!
Great Churches Make Everything Natural
We had the opportunity to worship at RockFish yesterday morning, before speaking there last night. And three things really stood out to me, which I just want to share. Sort of “best practices” that I don’t see very often–and we tour a LOT of churches.
First, at least twenty people welcomed us. The greeters had on special T-shirts. They were mostly made up of the leadership of the church. They gave us RockFish coffee thermoses. They led us to the coffee and the iced tea.
Which leads me to my second point: Everyone could get coffee and either sweetened or unsweetened iced tea, and you were allowed to bring it into the sanctuary. In fact, the backs of the chairs even had drink holders. More than one person told us, “we care more about you all being comfortable than we do about our carpets!”
And third, they have baptisms every week. On the spur of the moment. It’s just natural. They announce at the start of worship what baptism is, and they say if you want to be baptized, come on back. They have clothes and towels and hairdryers back there so anyone can come at any time. And we saw someone do just that! It was really cool.
The overwhelming feeling we had was just “come as you are, and we want church to be a natural outpouring of who we are, not somewhere where you act differently than you would everywhere else.”
It was great!
A Few of My Friends are Writing Amazing Things About Sex
My friend Julie from Hot, Holy and Humorous has been on a roll answering Reader Questions lately. And she recently answered one on what to do if you wake up your husband is trying to have sex with you. I thought she handled it really well. It reminds me of this question I answered about what to do if your husband keeps waking you up for sex at night. They’re a little different–she’s talking about a husband who is almost assaulting his wife; I’m talking about a husband who is pushy. But many women deal with these problems!
She also has a post up about how to celebrate her 500th post with her–including a video of her husband and her answering some questions. So you finally get to meet Spock!
Then there’s my friend Julie from Intimacy in Marriage who dares to go where no one else will go. She’s talking about female ejaculation and the G-spot, and she handles it really well and tastefully, while giving a lot of information.
Why God Hates Divorce
I shared this really brief article on Facebook this weekend and it went nuts–the author obviously hit a nerve and said some things that needed to be said. Here’s just a bit:
After watching thousands get divorced I’ve observed three main reasons why people get divorced today, they are: addiction, adultery, abuse. Most of the church-related marriage classes focus on Venus and Mars, communication, respect, and intimacy. Those are great subjects for the couples who merely need a “tune up.” However, when issues such as pornography, abuse, manipulation, drugs or alcohol, or an extramarital affair are involved those classes don’t work. Ironically, they can exacerbate the problem because the offender often uses the class to his/her advantage.
I chime in with my thoughts, which are very similar, in this article on why I’m anti-divorce but pro-remarriage (because sometimes divorce is necessary, and if it is, then God really understands).
25,000 People Received My Marriage Newsletter This Month
Did you?
You can see the newsletter here.
I send out a newsletter every month with links to all my best posts on marriage from that month, PLUS a marriage topic. This month it was “What Lies Do You Believe About Marriage?”, and I liked to a bunch of posts you may not have seen, including the lies we believe about sex (like “sex is just for him”, “I can never feel good”, etc.), the lies we believe about men (like “all men are perverts”), and the lies we believe about marriage.
And then I link to all the Reader Questions I answered that month, and even answer an extra one–with content exclusive just to subscribers, that never makes it to this blog.
It’s totally free–so don’t miss out on next month’s! Subscribe here.
So there are some things I’ve found helpful this week. I hope you enjoy them! And I’ll be back tomorrow, after I’m rested up, with a Top 10 post!
Marriage isn't supposed to be blah!
Sex is supposed to be stupendous--physically, emotionally, AND spiritually.
If it's not, get The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex--and find out what you've been missing.
The post Some Bloggers Write Awesome Stuff About Sex appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.
November 13, 2015
Finding Your Strengths as a Couple
It’s my new Friday feature–a 400 word inspirational comment about marriage!
“We just don’t communicate anymore.” “The house is always a mess.” “We’re up to our eyeballs in debt.”
When I ask people to tell me about their marriage, 9 times out of 10 they mention the things they’re struggling with.
That’s natural, because it’s usually the things that we’re struggling with that we spend the most time thinking about, so that’s what readily comes to mind.
But as I said in 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage, the things that we tend to think about determine our attitude. So maybe instead of focusing on our weaknesses as a couple, we should start focusing on our strengths!
This doesn’t mean that we ignore our weaknesses; if you’re up to your eyeballs in debt, after all, you do need to figure out a financial plan! But when we spend all of our time and energy tackling our weak areas, we often feel like the whole marriage itself is weak.
I am really inflexible. One of my daughters used to do her homeschool math while sitting in the splits. I can barely touch my toes.
I can spend an hour a day stretching and go for massages. After a few months of that, I might be able to comfortably bend down.
However, I actually like lifting weights. And the times that I’ve tried it in the past I’ve gotten quite strong quite quickly. I lose it just as quickly, but it’s not hard for me to build up muscle, especially in my arms.
So if I want to feel like I’m getting more in shape, I shouldn’t just concentrate on something that I’m lousy out. I should add something that I’m already good at so that I can make good progress!
What are your strengths as a couple? Think back to the last time you laughed together, felt really low stress, or just had a fun time. What were you doing? Were you fixing up the house? Going for a drive in the country? Playing a board game? Volunteering at church?
Figure out what it is that you do well together, and then do more of that. If you don’t communicate well, you need to learn to communicate better. But it will be easier to do that if you are also having fun doing something else. It just brings the tension down.
So don’t spend all your time tackling your weaknesses. Work in your areas of strength, too. And then your whole marriage will feel stronger.
And now it’s time for what’s been big at the blog this week, and what’s going on in my life–with lots of pictures!
What’s #1 at To Love, Honor and Vacuum?
#1 NEW Post on the Blog: A Thank You to All Military Spouses
#1 on the Blog Overall: My Husband Changed Since We Got Married!
#1 from Facebook: 4 Things To Know About Teens, the Media, and God
#1 from Pinterest: Stocking Stuffers for Your Husband Something tells me this is the most popular one that we are going to be having for a while. (bookmark this for later!)
We Met My Contest Winner!
When 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage launched, I had a contest that I would take someone who bought the book out to dinner.
And Kristen won, and she lives in Georgia.
Well, my husband and I have been traveling around in our RV, and we made it down to the Carolinas. Then this week he flew home and my assistant flew down, because I had two interviews to film and another big Girl Talk in Raeford, North Carolina coming up this Sunday (you don’t want to miss that if you live in North Carolina!).
So after filming yesterday in Atlanta, we met up with Kristen and a friend of hers for dinner.
And I signed her book, too! (she will laugh when she sees that this picture is blurry. We talked a lot about taking blurry pictures! I thought this one was okay; obviously it wasn’t. Sorry, Kristen!)
She said that she absolutely loved The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and she gives it away like crazy, but she thinks 9 Thoughts is really my best book because it’s so deep. So that was really a great encouragement to me! 9 Thoughts is, quite honestly, a more difficult book to explain. It’s obvious what The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex is about, but it’s harder to explain why women NEED to read 9 Thoughts. So for her to say, “this is really your best” was awesome. Thank you, Kristen!
Kristen brought along a friend, and we all had some great chats about how to raise healthy families, why the church doesn’t deal with porn well enough (we decided it was lack of authentic relationships and not understanding the addiction side of pornography–it usually takes more than a simple prayer to defeat it). We talked about our families and fostering kids and how to find your giftings as a woman.
And then she gave us some homemade cookies, too!
Here’s the four of us afterwards!
And we even had a rather creepy guy eavesdrop on our conversation and keep coming over and talking to us. So it all made for a very memorable night!
Looking forward to meeting the woman who won my “I’ll come and talk at your church” prize next September. She’s in Iowa, and we’re bringing Girl Talk back there.
Our Life in KOA Kampgrounds
As my husband and I have been traveling around, we’ve stayed at a ton of KOA Kampgrounds. They have wifi–and I need wifi! And they’re always clean and well-organized, so we know what to expect, since we’re often arriving quite late at night.
The one in Myrtle Beach was gorgeous, but it rained the whole time we were there so I don’t have pictures. But the one in Rodanthe, in the Outer Banks of North Carolina, was lovely, too.
And it was right on the beach!
You just walk down that road…
And suddenly you’re here…
All the KOAs have pools, too, and great play areas for the kids.
A lot of them have that jumping thingy, too.
So we had a great time camping. And it’s so inexpensive–we just buy our own groceries and eat like we would at home (we didn’t go out to any restaurant at all for 5 days straight. I was really impressed with us!).
We’re leaving the RV in South Carolina and then we’re flying back here in January to pick it up again and start all over. I’m so looking forward to it! My hubby and I love being in it (I think camping is one of our “strengths as a couple”), so it’s a great bonding time away from the real world.
Katie Just Passed 10,000 Subscribers!
If you follow my daughter on YouTube, she’s thrilled because she just passed 10,000 subscribers! Here’s her latest on surviving at college when you were a homeschooler before:
And on Instagram…
A photo posted by Sheila Gregoire (@sheilagregoire) on Nov 11, 2015 at 5:20pm PST
Have a great weekend, everyone!
The post Finding Your Strengths as a Couple appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.
November 12, 2015
Obey, Okay? Why Okay is a 4-Letter Word
One of the posts that’s always big on this blog is “Have We Forgotten to Be a Mommy“? It’s all about how things that were once normal practice for moms seem to have fallen by the wayside.
I was looking at some of the more recent comments and it reminded me of this column I wrote a few years ago–about how many parents are embarrassed of actually getting their kids to do stuff. So they end up bargaining with them–which undermines everything.
I called the column Obey, Okay? And I thought it was worth running again.
When my oldest was a toddler, we were given a cute little video of cute children singing very cute songs, which made me want to pull my hair out. Naturally, she loved it. In fact, she loved best a song that made me cringe. The chorus went “O-B-E-Y, obey your Mom and Dad!” Feet were tapping; kids were dancing; it was very catchy. My brain, fresh from its sociology degree, rebelled.
Tell my child to obey? Wasn’t that squashing her will?
Shortly after these episodes, my darling angel hit two and discovered temper tantrums, biting, and stealing other children’s toys. Once it was no longer purely academic, I quickly learned to embrace the word “obey”.
Our society, however, still largely cringes.
We treat our families as if they are democracies where everyone should have a vote.
What should we eat for dinner? Nobody wants veggies? Then chicken fingers it is! We allow our children a voice, because we forget that they are, indeed, children. They do not have the life experience or the emotional maturity to know what is best for them. We do.
It’s not just the concept of obedience that we’ve lost, though. We’ve lost the language. I remember listening in on a conversation once that a mom was having with her 6-year-old son. “Honey, it’s getting to be time to brush your teeth.” The boy kept playing with Lego. “Honey, you’ll need to brush your teeth before you go to bed.” More Lego. “Don’t you think you really should be brushing your teeth?”, this time through clenched teeth. Finally she lost it. “Why haven’t you brushed your teeth!?!”. He looked up, confused, and stared at her as if she were an alien, which, given the colour of her face, seemed to be a distinct possibility.
As you analyze their “conversation”, you can see his point. She never actually told him to do anything. She expressed her opinion about the relative time of day and the necessity of teeth brushing, but she never told him to march his little self down that hall and do something about it. He listened to her, evaluated her comments, and decided to ignore them.
Think about the difference between these two statements: “Billy, go brush your teeth”, and “Billy, go brush your teeth, okay?”.
The first is telling him to do something. The second is asking him if he agrees. As soon as we’ve added “okay”, we’ve changed it from a command to a question. I think we do this so frequently because, at heart, we’re just not sure we deserve to be obeyed.
We’re scared of issuing real commands to our kids because it sounds like we’re saying we’re better than they are. That’s making a judgment, and we’re just not comfortable with that. But we are wiser than our kids are. I don’t pick my nose anymore, bite people I disagree with, or lie down in a grocery store and scream. (I do, however, sneak chocolate before breakfast, but that’s another story.)
Our job is to train our kids to become responsible, independent adults.
To do that, we have to teach them to curb destructive behaviour. That means we need to be the boss, because kids rarely learn proper behaviour without an incentive. We are the ones teaching them how the world works. If we allow them to always do what they want, they won’t be able to handle adult relationships, hold down a job, or act appropriately in social settings.
Being the boss, of course, will look different as the child ages. As kids grow older, they need to be given more leeway. Telling a child what to do is appropriate at 4; at 14, it’s probably better to set a limit and then talk about why you have that limit. Tell a teenager what to do and they’ll rebel; raise a teenager to respect you, and they’ll be more willing to listen to your limits. But let’s not forget that without any kind of parental authority, society will fall apart. Kids certainly need our approval and our love, but they need our direction and discipline, too. Okay?
What do you think? Are we scared to ask kids to obey? Let me know in the comments!
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November 11, 2015
Wifey Wednesday: Remembering Military Wives
“It’s almost like military spouses have split personalities,” she told me. “You’re so proud of what he does, but at the same time, you think, “Why is it always my husband who has to do all that?”
I have asked that “why is it always my husband” question before–why is it always my husband who is called away to the hospital during my 3-year-old’s birthday; why is it always my husband who is up all night and then too tired to enjoy the weekend with his family; why is it always my husband who has to go away on so many conferences and leave me sleeping alone?
But I have never, ever faced a night where I’ve been scared my husband won’t come home because his job is dangerous.
I have never, ever had a husband miss a child’s birthday because he’s on the other side of the world for months on end.
I have never, ever had a husband leave for six weeks with only three days notice, deployed to a place that’s so secret he’s not even allowed to tell me about it.
The sacrifices I think I make pale in comparison to the sacrifice of military spouses, and I am in awe.
Today is November 11–Remembrance Day in Canada, Veterans’ Day in the U.S., and celebrated but likely called other things in other nations. It’s the day when we all stop and remember the sacrifices made for us by so many for the cause of freedom.
And today, since it’s Wifey Wednesday, I thought that I would take some time to acknowledge the sacrifice that military spouses make as well.
As we remember those who sacrificed so much, let's remember military spouses who sacrifice today.
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My good friend and my assistant Tammy is married to a military chaplain. My husband and I have been close friends with them for years, and we’ve always greatly admired their attitude towards service.
On Sunday, Tammy and I are heading to Rockfish Church, near Fort Bragg, where I’ll be giving my Girl Talk! I’m hoping there will be lots of military families represented. (If you’re in North Carolina, come join us!)
The woman who contacted me to have me come and speak is Carrie Daws, author of the book The Warrior’s Bride, who has lived in the trenches as a military spouse. I asked her if I could interview her for a Remembrance Day post to help women like me, who aren’t married to military members, understand better what they go through.
Carrie, explain to me this split personality–what are you split between?
Emotions are high because you’re in that place between pride and guilt, especially if you’ve been on a base with people who didn’t come home.
The pride is huge: there’s a deep understanding in a military wife’s core that her husband and her family are sacrificing for the greater good. I am not normally a woman who cries. But I hear the first strain of God Bless the U.S.A., and I’m in tears.
I know what my husband has sacrificed, but today, even in the United States, there are people who don’t understand that there are military members still deploying to war zones–right now! So I’m very proud of my husband and my friends and what they’re sacrificing, and proud of their commitment and courage and bravery to do stuff that I certainly wouldn’t want to do.
What about the guilt?
We all need to learn the difference between real guilt and false guilt. There’s a lot of guilt when people that you know don’t come home–the guilt of just being so grateful that it wasn’t your husband. But that’s a false guilt, it isn’t real, and we need to learn to differentiate the two. Sometimes all of us need help in releasing that false guilt.
And false guilt isn’t unique to the military; the general population deals with it as well. What’s different, I guess, is what we’re feeling guilty about.
Do you get scared?
Absolutely. And it’s not just the military–I think there’s more of an awareness since 9/11 that first responders are in dangerous jobs, too. You always think to yourself, when he walks out the door, that he may not walk back in. There’s a hyper-sense of that, especially if your husband is in special ops or has a highly deployable status or job.
It means you have to train yourself to always say goodbye well, and to not take moments for granted. And that’s hard because life still gets in the way, kids still get sick, laundry still piles up. And then something will happen and the fear will hit you fresh again.
Do you ever stop watching the news?
I’ve gone through seasons where I’ve had to stop, and then seasons where I couldn’t get enough news.
Then there were times when friends going through similar things were good for me, and others where those friends were toxic. It really depended on where I was at in my relationships and with God.
What do deployments look like in the military?
Deployments are different depending on your branch. Special ops are 3-4 months. Regular army or navy may be a year, but most are in the 4-6 month range.
My husband’s longest was 102 days.
They’ll do regular rotations, so they rotate in and out. There will be 3 months of training when you don’t see them, then a 3 month deployment, then they’re home for 3-6 months, then it starts all over again!
(Side note: in Canada our deployments tend to be about 6 months. At the 3 month mark they’ll either fly you to see your family or your spouse to see you. I’ve had a number of friends away for 6 months, and it is HARD.)
If my husband were gone like that I’d be tempted to do the math in my head–if he’s gone for 6 months, and we’re married for 40 years, then we’ve just lost 1/80 of our potential time together, or 1.25%. Do you ever do that?
Absolutely! Kathy, my co-author, has been married for 25 years. Her husband has been away for 12 years of that. And it can be hard when your husband’s away and you’re talking to a friend and she says something like, “Oh, let me just ask my husband really quick!”, and she picks up her phone and calls him. And you wish that it were that easy to call your husband any time you wanted to.
What’s it like when he’s away?
You just have to work so hard on building your marriage, which is hard if he’s in a position where he can’t even regularly communicate. But you pray for him and you feed yourself and you grow closer to God and try to keep a good perspective.
On the daily front, in some ways it’s easier when the kids are littler because you can make all the decisions–you can have cereal for dinner if you want! But at the same time you have to consciously work on your marriage. If the dishwasher breaks, what would he want me to do? It’s more than just being a single parent, because you have to consider him as if he were there.
What do military wives wish the rest of society understood?
This life is harder than we thought it would be, but that doesn’t mean that we’re complaining. We desperately want people who realize that we sometimes need help, but because of the way life is we don’t get to enjoy those deep relationships. We know we’ll move every 18-24 months, and so you don’t have the chance to develop close friendships.
So we don’t reach out for relationships easily. And that means we’re probably not going to ask for help, even though we need to and we want to. So we need people to understand that and still pursue us. We need people to reach out and want to be our friends.
'For military wives life is harder than we thought, but that doesn't mean we're complaining.'
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How do you feel about Veterans’ Day?
I’m so grateful for the sacrifice that people are making still today. Even just the living conditions–They’re in long pants and long sleeves in horrendously hot weather, with strange bugs and the like. And they do all of that because they are willing to stand between me and my children and the evil of this world. And most of these military service members I will never, ever meet and they’re still willing to do that for me.
That deserves our thanks.
It does indeed deserve our thanks. And the spouses who support them deserve our thanks, too.
In talking with Carrie and with Tammy, my whole perspective on military spouses has changed. Ten years ago I would have felt sorry for them–oh, that’s so awful, that their spouses are being deployed and they’re gone so much! It’s so unfair!
But now I realize that that attitude is an insult. Certainly they need our help and our gratitude, but never, ever our pity, because they take great pride in what they do, as well they should.
I love Carrie’s line–“life is harder than we thought, but that doesn’t mean we’re complaining.” And that’s because they know the value of what they do, and the tremendous privilege of being called to serve.
And so I just want to say to all the military spouses and military service members who read this blog, I see what you do. I see that you are willing to stand between me and my children and the evil of this world, and I hope and pray that I never take that sacrifice lightly. I thank you, and I am proud of you, just as I am proud of those who fought in previous wars so that we can live in freedom today.
Thank you, because freedom is never free. And you are the ones who pay the price.
Here are two videos I thought are fitting.
For Carrie, here’s God Bless the U.S.A.:
And for my fellow Canadians, here’s a great Maritime song written pre-9/11 about Remembrance Day. It’s always been one of my favourites:
May we all take some time today to say thank you to God for freedom and for those who sacrificed.
And then may we make a point to reach out to those who aren’t in military uniforms–but who still sacrifice today, for all of us.
Carrie Daws has co-authored The Warrior’s Bride: Biblical Strategies to Help the Military Spouse Thrive.
“The call came down from Command, and your warrior husband is out the door, leaving you behind to handle whatever he has left undone. Whether it’s the day-to-day monotony, the inevitable appliance that breaks, or the months without his presence beside you, being a military spouse brings challenges few appreciate. Yet God sees you and longs for you to boldly step into His plan. He purposely chose you for this moment—for your man. He wants to give you abundantly more than what you have right now and desires you to thrive as your warrior’s bride.”
Check it out here.
Now it’s your turn! Link up a marriage post in the Linky below! And then be sure to link back here so other people can see these great marriage posts.
The post Wifey Wednesday: Remembering Military Wives appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.
November 10, 2015
Top 10 Tips for Teaching Kids About Sex
We live in a world with such distorted sexuality that teaching kids about sex in a healthy way becomes challenging.
First there’s our culture which tells us that sexiness is all that matters–that sexual experimentation is part of figuring out who you are and being true to yourself.
But then there’s our Christian culture which too often makes sex itself seem shameful.
When I wrote an article after the Ashley Madison scandal broke, one of the points I made is that often in the church we inadvertently create someone with “split sexuality”, where sexual desire and spicing things up is seen as unChristian, and something which would defile the marriage bed. And so people are extremely uptight and chaste with their spouse, but then they have this reckless life with online porn or chats or even real life affairs outside of marriage. It’s just heartbreaking.
The comments on that post steered to the idea of “how do we raise a child with a healthy view of sex then?”
Challenge heard. And today, for Top 10 Tuesday, challenge accepted.
Here we go–teaching kids about sex, so they grow up with healthy sexuality.
Scared or embarrassed to talk to kids about sex? Here are 10 ways to make it more natural!
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I’m going to present these in age order–what you focus on when they’re younger, leading to what’s important when they’re older. But really–it’s all about relationship, openness, and honesty!
1. Use the real words for body parts
When we don’t use real words for things, we give the impression that “This is something bad.”
But if, when they’re young and they’re learning words, you use the right ones (even if you also have short forms for them), then you teach them, “there’s nothing weird about this body part.”
That’s hard to do if saying the word “vagina” out loud sounds WRONG. You may have to train yourself to do it. Practice in front of a mirror! Seriously, when I started doing the sex talk with my husband at marriage conferences, I had to learn to say the word “orgasm” in front of an audience. It was odd. But I did it! And you can learn to say the word “penis”, too.
Right up there with being open about the words is being okay with nudity–in context. Until kids are about 3 they really don’t understand nudity and it’s no big deal to see parents naked. After that, you really should cover up with the opposite sex. But I’ve known girls who were mortified to get changed in front of their sisters or their mother, and grown women who were mortified to get changed in front of their daughters. We need to get over that. Modesty is healthy and good in context, but if we’re ashamed of our bodies when there’s no reason to be, that’s a problem, too.
2. Recognize that people express masculinity and femininity differently
Don’t be hard on your boys if they don’t want to play sports, and don’t be hard on your girls if they do.
When we set up rigid rules for what “being a girl” is or what “being a boy” is, we may give kids the impression that we think there’s something wrong with them if they don’t fit. Your child was created in God’s image; don’t make them fit a mold. That’s a recipe for sexual confusion and shame.
3. Monitor their Media Use
There is no reason that elementary school aged kids or junior high kids should be seeing media with sex in it or with confusing sexual messages. And high school kids should be careful, too. A movie like The Notebook, for instance, which has little nudity in it, is still highly erotic in the scene where the couple first makes love.
Now, you can’t control everything your teenager sees, as I wrote in yesterday’s post about my daughter admitting that she watched Vampire Diaries before God convicted her. But we can be super vigilant with our younger kids.
And setting up filters on the computer to make sure that they don’t see porn inadvertently is really important, too! Covenant Eyes is a great way to do that; you get 30 days free to try it using the code TLHV (for To Love, Honor and Vacuum)!
4. Don’t Avoid Questions About Sex
Kids are going to naturally want to ask questions. But if we give the impression that we really don’t want to talk about that, they may stop asking. And you want them to learn from you! So when they ask, just treat it like you would any other question. You don’t have to drop what you’re doing and sit down on the couch for a heart to heart. You can just keep on unloading the groceries and chatting, or keep on doing whatever you were doing when the conversation started. Keep it natural!
And then just answer what they’ve asked. You don’t have to answer more than they want to know. Be age appropriate (kids should know the mechanics of sex at about 8-10; girls should know all about puberty and menstruation by 10 for sure; boys should know by 11). But they can know things earlier than that. Kids will naturally ask what that tampon is, for instance, and you can give a quick answer when they’re five, and a longer one when they’re 9.
One thing: have a back-up plan if they never ask. My youngest daughter asked like crazy from the time she was young; my older daughter didn’t ask at all. I had to sit her down at 10 and tell her everything. I was waiting for questions that never came.
5. Don’t Be Afraid of Your Kids Knowing You Have Sex
Your kids, especially when they’re teens, will figure out that you still have sex. That’s okay. They don’t need to hear it in detail, but if you say, “everyone in their rooms by 10 because parents need our time alone”, they’ll figure out why.
That’s healthy.
Don’t be so paranoid about your kids knowing anything that you avoid sex altogether. Kids will sense that you’re uptight about it, and you’ll give the impression, “this is something to be uptight about.”
6. Gross Out Your Kids
I created this graphic about 3 years ago, and it went viral on Facebook then.
Last week a radio station in San Antonio posted it, and now 10,000,000 people have seen it.
I think it speaks for itself.
Kids need to see you expressing affection. Sure, they’ll say, “ewwwwww” and “that’s gross!”, but you’ll teach them: “marriage is fun! Sex in marriage is fun!” If they never see you being affectionate at all, you’ll give the impression, “marriage is where sex goes to die.” And then why in the world will they want to wait until marriage for sex, when marriage has lousy sex?
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Great parents gross out their kids! Don't let your kids think 'marriage is where sex goes to…
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7. Keep Talking–about Everything
Just keep up a conversation with your kids all the time. Be vulnerable to them (while still being appropriate), and they’re more likely to be vulnerable with you. Share with them the things that you worry about. Apologize when you’re wrong.
A teen won’t just talk to his or her parents about sex if they don’t feel like they have a safe, close relationship. So keep talking. Don’t overschedule your life. Go for walks with your kids. And then, when they do have questions, they’ll talk to you!
8. Be disappointed FOR your child, not disappointed IN your child
When your child messes up, you’ll likely be angry. But we should raise our kids so that our main priority is their well-being, not how their behavior reflects on us.
If your child lies, yes, you’re disappointed in them, but you’re primarily disappointed for them. You wanted more for them: a rich life where they don’t have to worry about guilt and where they can be a blessing for those around them. Once they start lying, they become smaller people, and it causes stress. It builds a wall between them and God. And you don’t want that for them.
When they understand that you want them to do the right thing because you love them and want the best for them, that’s a different feel than “I don’t want to be disappointed in you.” That’s important an important distinction, because as they become teenagers and they start to have relationships with the opposite sex, if you want them to keep talking to you, they have to know it’s safe to do so. And they’ll know that if you teach them, “I want the best for you because I love you.”
9. Don’t talk about purity like it’s something that you lose
Never, ever say “stay pure until you’re married.”
That gives the impression that once you’re married, you lose your purity.
We need to start telling our kids, “seek after Jesus! Pursue purity by pursuing Jesus.” And you know what? People who had premarital sex can be pure because they know Jesus, and people who are single and virgins can be impure because of their thought life.
Let’s not tell kids that once they’re married, they lose their purity, as if they’ve lost something precious. Our purity is in Jesus, not in our virginity. Getting married doesn’t rob you of purity, and being a virgin doesn’t guarantee your purity. We’ve gotten into some really sloppy habits regarding “purity rings” which stress virginity rather than a love of Christ.
We don't stay pure 'until we're married.' We stay pure. Marriage does not rob us of purity!
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10. Rules matter less than relationship
What about having rules like, “no dating until you’re 16”, or “no texting a girl until you’re 15”, or “no kissing until you’re married.” Is that useful?
I do believe in kids not dating too young, and I do think that having rules like “no alone time with someone of the opposite sex when you’re under 16” is a good rule of thumb. Kids who date early tend to also get involved sexually much earlier, and there really is no good reason to have a boyfriend or girlfriend at 14.
My girls couldn’t date until they were 16, but they also decided on their own not to date in high school at all (here’s Katie’s video on Why I’m Not Dating in High School).
At a certain age (I’d say 16 in general), I think kids need to make decisions on their own. One of the problems with having a set of rules that kids follow is that they can take the all-or-nothing approach: If you say, “no kissing until you’re married”, and then they kiss someone at 17, they may think, “I’ve lost my purity”, so there’s no point in trying anymore. That’s one reason that kids with strict rules often end up engaging in more risky sexual behaviour.
It can’t be about rules; it has to be about your relationship with them and their relationship with God. It has to be a decision they make on their own because of their desire to follow God. And there’s nothing wrong with standards, by the way–if God’s the one who told you to follow them. But setting up strict rules, in and of themselves, doesn’t protect kids sexually. It’s only “walking by the Spirit” that works. Instruct your kids on how to make good choices; don’t just forbid them from making bad ones.
To sum up: teaching your kids about sex is all about having an open and honest relationship with your kids, and modeling yourself that you’re not ashamed of sex in its proper context.
That takes some work–you need to get used to being comfortable talking about it. You need to get used to your kids knowing things about you. But it’s really worth it! We don’t want to raise kdis who are ashamed of their bodies, ashamed of sex, or scared to ask questions.
Let me know in the comments: What do YOU think is the best method of teaching kids about sex so they have a healthy view of sexuality? Which one is hardest for you?
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November 9, 2015
4 Things to Know About Teens, the Media, and God
There. I said it.
And in the spirit of transparency, I’d like to peel back the veil a little bit and let you into some of the more private sides of my life as a parent. It has to do with my daughter and TV shows.
It all began with a conversation that I had with my youngest daughter about a month ago, when she was home from university for a few days. She has a YouTube channel which is quite popular (she has almost 10,000 subscribers!), but she also makes two videos a month for the Project Inspired website. And we were brainstorming about possible topics that she could cover.
She decided to do one called “Garbage In, Garbage Out” about being careful with the TV shows and movies that you choose to watch. It really worries her how many of her friends say they are Christian but then think nothing of watching Game of Thrones or Vampire Diaries. I thought it was a great idea. She went and filmed it, sent it in, and then I watched it.
It’s really very good. But in it she said something that I had never known: back when she was 14 or 15 she watched almost the whole first season of Vampire Diaries. I seriously didn’t know. She tells me that the show in first season isn’t as bad as the show is now, from what she’s heard (I know absolutely zero about the show, so I’m not sure what that means entirely), but she laughs about the fact that I didn’t know. She told me, “You never knew everything about Becca and me, Mommy.” (And yes, they still call me Mommy. I like it.)
It made me a little sad for a while, but as I’ve been thinking about it, I’ve drawn some other conclusions. And since last Monday, at our Reader Question feature, we were talking about what to do when your daughter watches porn, I thought this may be a good follow-up–even a continuation of the post.
So I’d like to share 4 Truths that I believe about kids, media, and Christ, in the hopes that it may help us have a more balanced view.
1. You cannot save your child from ALL exposure to media you don’t like–and nor should you
My girls once belonged to a Teen Discussion Group that was looking at the biblical world view vs. the secular world view. They had a video to go along with the discussion, but there was one family who wasn’t allowed to stay for the video portion of the group, because the parents watched all media before they allowed their kids to see it, and the parents hadn’t seen these videos (they were Francis Chan videos on love).
The oldest at the time was 17–moving out in a few years, ready to be on their own. And yet they weren’t allowed to watch a video in a Christian setting that had been vetted by other Christians.
Sometimes we set our goals too high–you read about how the average kid sees his first view of porn when he’s 11, and you’re so paranoid that you cancel the internet. Or you don’t let your 16-year-old do youth group sleepovers because you’re never sure what movies they will watch. Or you’re so worried about your kids hearing swear words that you don’t let any media that’s not G rated into your home, and in so doing your child misses out on some awesome stories that can grow their faith.
The main problem, though, isn’t just with what your child is missing out on. It’s this idea that ONE exposure or ANY viewing of something inappropriate will scar them for life. If you think that (psychologists call this the all-or-nothing approach), then if your child does inadvertently see something, you give the impression that all hope is lost.
On a side note: My older daughter is turning her blog post about why she didn’t rebel into a book, and one of the points she’s making is a study in a psychology journal that found that while personal devotion to God stopped teens from engaging in risky sexual behaviour, strict conservative rules about the opposite sex actually did the opposite. Kids in families where they had extremely strict rules, like “no hand holding until you’re engaged”, were more likely to engage in risky sex than kids who didn’t have the rules, but who did have Christ. Why? Because of the all-or-nothing thinking–once I’ve messed up a tiny bit, there’s no point in trying anymore. (By the way, a kid could have BOTH strong personal devotion and strong rules, but when the rules were stronger than the devotion–bad combination). All-or-nothing thinking can be very dangerous!
You’re not a failure if your child watches a little bit of something or sees a little bit of something.
2. You can reduce temptation–you can’t eliminate it
I thought we did everything right–filters on the computer, open door policies in their bedrooms, talked to the kids all the time.
But they still had a secret life that I didn’t know much about. Now, it wasn’t a huge deal. I don’t want to make it sound like they were bad kids, because they weren’t. As teens, it’s normal to do things without your parents knowing. It’s part of separating from your parents.
As a parent, it’s good to do some common sense things, like requiring devices to go in a charging station at 11 at night, or turning off the wifi at night, or, as much as possible, encouraging computer and screen time to be in a central place. But you can’t supervise teens 100% of the time, and nor should you. They need some freedom while they’re still at home to explore. If they have no freedom whatsoever, then when they move out they go from 0% freedom to 100% freedom. That’s too much to take. It’s better to give them more and more freedom under your own roof so that when they do move out, they’re ready.
Since you can’t control your teen, you can’t eliminate all risk of them doing something you don’t like.
3. Your child can have Christ, too
Here’s the main message that I wanted people to hear from me today: Katie knew God, and it was the Holy Spirit who told Katie to stop watching that show.
If your child knows God, then THAT is their main weapon for fighting against the media that we don’t want them to see.
I believe it is far more important that we encourage authentic faith in our children than that we put up more and more control in their lives.
Our teens' best weapon for reducing temptation isn’t strict rules. It’s an authentic faith.
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Another family I know talks about God as a natural part of their family life. One night, about a year ago, at 12:45 a.m., their 17-year-old son knocked on the parents’ bedroom door. He was devastated, because he had just spent an hour and a half looking at porn, and he felt so guilty and so dirty.
His parents prayed with him, talked with him about it, and installed Covenant Eyes on the computer. His dad got him together with a group of young men who mentored each other and helped keep each other accountable.
He still finds it a temptation, and he’s slipped up a few times, but he’s doing okay.
And why is he doing okay? Because that first night, when he was using porn, the Holy Spirit didn’t let him go. He shook him and shook him until he turned the computer off and went and knocked at his parents’ bedroom door.
I am not saying that Christians can’t struggle with this sort of stuff; not at all. But I also believe that our kids’ best weapon for reducing this temptation is the Holy Spirit in their lives. That’s why it’s so important to teach kids to have their own personal relationship with God.
And here’s the other thing about God: He heals. And if your 9-year-old son stumbles on some website he shouldn’t have seen, and gets images inside his head, of course it’s okay to mourn. But God can eliminate the negative impact of those images. He can help your child, as an adult, fight against those images. Yes, it’s a long road for many, but God does wipe things clean.
We serve an active God who can heal and restore.
4. Keep talking about EVERYTHING
My girls and I talk. All the time. Even now that they’re moved out. When they lived at home we went on walks everyday and we just talked about everything.
And I think much of the influence I had on their lives was not because I set rules, but because they could bounce things off of me. They loved me and didn’t want to disappoint me.
Why did my friend’s son feel comfortable knocking on their bedroom door in the middle of the night and asking for help? Because their family talked about stuff. When someone made a mistake they didn’t yell at them; they talked through it and they figured it out. They set up an environment where people know–we all mess up. And we’re here to support you so that all of us can look more and more like Christ.
Last week talking was one of the main points about what to do if your daughter watches porn. Talk to her about the effects of porn on your libido, your sexuality, and your eventual marriage. Don’t just get angry and forbid something–talk about it. Your kids need to know how to think through something and how to make a good decision, and setting up strict rules that no one can cross, and then yelling or punishing if they do cross those rules, isn’t actually going to teach them how to think for themselves. And our teenagers will soon be on their own. Our goal, at this stage of their life, is to teach them to think for themselves.
Looking back on this episode with Katie, I’m still overwhelmed with the fact that she went through all of this without me. She watched the show without me knowing. She felt convicted without me knowing. She prayed about it without me knowing. She decided to stop without me knowing. And she was perfectly fine. She went on with her life, and doesn’t watch that sort of stuff anymore. But I had nothing direct to do with any of it–it was just the environment that we set up at home, and it was God’s amazing grace.
And God’s grace can be there for your kids, too.
Dear readers, I just want to reiterate that I share this today because I want you all to know that I’m just a regular person. My family is not perfect, and I’ve never claimed it was. We’re just real people, and I so appreciate being able to share my thoughts with you everyday, even as I’m a work in progress myself.
So let me know in the comments, have your kids ever made choices you wish they hadn’t? Or did you do stuff behind your parents’ back when you were in a teenager? How did God bring you back?
Katie would so appreciate if you would share her video! It helps her a lot with her job making videos for Project Inspired–and this video is good, too. So just click here and then hit the “share” buttons to share it to Facebook, Twitter, or Pinterest!
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November 6, 2015
The Power to Make Your Marriage Better
Sheila’s Marriage Moment: The Power to Change Your Marriage–for the Better
I’ve started a new Friday feature where I give a 400-word inspirational marriage moment. Here’s this week’s!
Addictions. The guilt of an ugly past. The scars of a broken past.
Rejection. Failure. Anger.
These are the things that eat at us–that rob us of the joy of a great marriage that God intended for us.
On this blog I point you to lots of ways of getting over specific problems. But today I want to talk about the most important ingredient–the one thing you really need, in every situation.
That one thing is POWER.
So often we’re stuck. We can’t get past the lies and the insecurity and the hurt.
I gave my Girl Talk twice over the weekend in Delaware & Maryland, and a woman came up to me with a problem. She had been abused as a child, and now whenever she hears someone saying that God longs to be intimate with us, she gets the creeps. The imagery is too ladened with her hurts from the past.
Can she get over that?
On Monday I wrote a post about what to do if your daughter is watching porn, and many brave women commented about their own journeys out of pornography addiction.
Can you really defeat an addiction?
Yes, you can. But you can’t do it on your own.
When I was younger I struggled with forgiving my father for leaving me when I was a baby. I read books, wrote letters, talked to counselors–nothing worked. I prayed a ton about how to forgive, and how to see God as a loving father. It didn’t work.
Then for about five years I got busy with babies, and stopped obsessing about forgiveness. Instead, I started going to women’s Bible studies and just studied the Old Testament and who God is. And one day, when my dad called, I realized I wasn’t angry anymore.
God had done a work on my heart not because I was praying about forgiveness, but because I was drawing closer to Him.
Oswald Chambers once said, “Conscious repentance leads to unconscious holiness.”
When we focus on God, He changes our hearts.
Too often we run to God to change external things. That’s not surrender. That’s treating God like a rabbit’s foot.
Don’t love God just for what He can do for you. Love God. Obey God. Run after him wholeheartedly. And you just may find that many of the things you struggle with become easier, because He has changed you in His power.
Whatever we focus on expands. So focus on God, not your problems!
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What’s #1 at To Love, Honor and Vacuum?
#1 NEW Post on the Blog: Help! My Daughter Watches Porn!
#1 on the Blog Overall: Top 10 Ways to Initiate Sex
#1 from Facebook: Top 10 Effects of Porn on Your Marriage and your Sex Life
#1 from Pinterest: Stocking Stuffers for Your Husband Something tells me this is the most popular one that we are going to be having for a while. (bookmark this for later!)
So We’re in Our RV…
And we’ve been traveling south since last Thursday. On Hallowe’en we hit Washington, DC, and we walked around the National Mall and saw many of the memorials. It was really very moving.
Then on Sunday afternoon I gave my Girl Talk in Smyrna, Delaware, and on Monday night I gave it in Baltimore, Maryland. We had a great time at both events, and the anonymous Q&A session was, as always, the highlight of the night (I love it because it’s totally unscripted!). And they had chocolate!
We have a few days off now until I fly to Atlanta and Dallas to do some TV interviews, so my husband and I are heading down the coast and birdwatching. Here we were at Virginia Beach a few nights ago, enjoying the sunset (and the pelicans and the great black backed gulls and the cormorants):
A photo posted by Sheila Gregoire (@sheilagregoire) on Nov 3, 2015 at 4:26pm PST
I Met Ngina from Intentional Today in Real Life!
One of the highlights of my week, though, is that I met Ngina Otiende from Intentional Today in Baltimore. We’ve “known” each other online for years, but I’ve never met her in real life.
And she came to my Girl Talk and helped at my book table, but she got there three hours early so we could just chat.
Ngina has such a passion for marriage and writes such great stuff. She’s guest blogged for me before, and I’ve shared her stuff on Facebook and elsewhere, too. She’s originally from Kenya, and my husband and I have such a heart for going back to Kenya and doing some marriage ministry–if we can get connected with some churches on the ground. He’d also like to do more medical training (we’ve done a bit before). So we’re looking at a two-year plan to try to build a tour in Kenya & Tanzania.
But we talked to Ngina about what she and her husband are supporting in Kenya by way of marriage ministry. And my husband, who taught himself Swahili (he’s actually quite fluent) had a great time practising with her!
I’m praying for doors to open for us to head back to Kenya for a time–even an extended time. So if you could pray with me that would be great!
In the meantime, go visit Ngina! Here’s one of her most popular posts: 10 Things Every Bride Should Know Before Her Wedding Night.
Are You in Georgia, the Carolinas, Florida, or Texas?
Cause that’s where I’ll be in January and February, and I still have some spots left on my Girl Talk tour! My Alberta dates in April are filling up, as are Pennsylvania in May, but I have spots in the south in January and February–and believe me, Keith and I would much rather be THERE in the winter than at home in southern Ontario!
Girl Talk is such a fun evening. It runs about two hours and a bit, and I share about what God intended for sex in marriage, and how to make it great in each of the three ways: physically, emotionally, and spiritually. There’s a TON of humor. There’s a fun video. There’s some great info. It’s touching (People often tear up when I tell one story). But the best part is the anonymous Q&A, which is totally unscripted. It’s just whatever your women ask!
And it works great as an outreach!
You can sell tickets to recoup the cost, so it doesn’t have to make a big dent in your church’s budget at all. In fact, a few churches have even made money from it! So if you think you may be interested, just email my assistant Tammy and she’ll get you more information.
Email Tammy here about hosting a Girl Talk!
We’re heading off now to go birdwatching in Hatteras, North Carolina. We’re going to have an awesome day–and I hope you do, too!
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November 5, 2015
Is Your Marriage Getting You Down? Take One More Step
Sometimes we feel like we just don’t have the strength to keep going. And that’s when we’ve got to take just one more step!
Today my good friend Rachel Wojo joins us to share the difficult story of her own loss, and what she learned about keeping going. She just released her AWESOME new book, One More Step, that I know you’ll love. When you’re in a difficult place, don’t focus on everything that’s wrong. Just focus on what’s right in front of you–and see that God is always there. Here’s Rachel:
The white picket fence.
The well-balanced family of four.
Perfect house with the perfect marriage.
Everyone has their own dreams and plans for life. I certainly owned my version.
But reality kicked in and almost kicked me to the ground. Circumstances that were out of my control jilted my soul and I found myself in a place I never dreamed–a divorced mama of a special needs child. Far from the perfect dream, the decisions I made in this new place would make or break me and I found myself at the point of wanting to give up.
Maybe you’re there today in your marriage- in that pit of wanting to give up.
Perhaps it is one of those marriages where she just no longer loves him or he likes the way someone else at the office treats him. Or the honeymoon is over and the monotony of work and life has crept in. Or either party made a costly mistake and no one wants to fight for the life and love they once had together.
Marriage is worth fighting for. Love is worth fighting for.
The question is: How do we keep going when everything is going wrong?
No matter your circumstances, you will find that hope rises to greet you when you learn how to take just one more step. You don’t have to complete the entire journey in a day. It’s easy to look at the circumstances and feel the strong desire to quit. But let’s take a look at where we are placing our hope.
Hope can be placed anywhere we choose, but the place we choose makes all the difference.
When we place our hope in people, we feel disappointed.
If we expect people to live up to the standards we set for them, then we are going to be disappointed. Because people are people. If all your hope is placed in your husband, then disappointment is sure to follow at some point. Your husband is human, after all.
So if we don’t place our hope in people, where do we place it? Some of us place our hope in things. After all, objects aren’t going to emotionally scar us, right? But momentary satisfaction only causes more desperation.
When we place our hope in things, we are distracted.
Maybe you recognize your usual escapes and you avoid placing your hope in people or things. But you rest your hope in a place where it is not quite as easily recognized. Self-confidence is important, but it can easily develop into self-absorption or self-reliance or arrogance. When we place our hope in ourselves, we set ourselves up for failure.
Personal failure is the most disappointing.
When we place our hope in ourselves, we wind up devastated.
Relying on the promises of God’s Word and his love for us is the firm foundation- the resting place we need for hope. Our hope is secure only when it is anchored in God and His Word- his love, his guidance, and his timing.
Be encouraged! You don’t have to let out-of-control circumstances defeat you. You want to be an overcomer, but all you feel is overwhelmed? Life won’t always be this hard. Rather than staring at the journey ahead, focus this moment on taking just one more step. Place your hope in the promises of God, for that is where you will begin to discover the strength to keep going, even when you feel like giving up.
Sometimes all we can do is take one more step. And that's okay. #onemorestep
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When we place our hope in Christ, we are delivered.
Jesus, I ask you to give hope to the hopeless today. Renew hearts to focus on the hope only you can provide. Give each reader today the strength to take just one more step.
Do you need the courage to go just One. More. Step? Rachel Wojo has just written a great book on how to trust God when everything around you looks like it is falling apart. Check it out here!
Find out more about Rachel and about how to keep going when you feel like your strength will give out at her website, One More Step.
The post Is Your Marriage Getting You Down? Take One More Step appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.
November 4, 2015
Adapting to the Changing Seasons of Sex in Marriage
Today Dan and Linda Wilson, authors of Lovemaking, join us with tips on handling sex when health and age changes come. Also, be sure and participate in the giveaway at the bottom of the post!
There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven. ~ Ecclesiastes 3:1
It has been said that the only thing constant in life is change. This certainly applies to our sexual lives. We celebrate these shifts! Never, never do we want our marriage bed to be dull, boring, or routine. Be willing to adapt to your lover as the seasons of life change.
There are many challenges to sexual arousal in lovemaking. Occasionally, both husbands and wives face issues that can drain desire and reduce their responses. The good news is that facing challenges raises the level of oxytocin in the brain(1). And bonding is strengthened when oxytocin flows.
Some of the changes we wholeheartedly welcome—a long-awaited pregnancy, an opportunity to try a new position, perhaps even menopause reducing the fear of an undesired positive pregnancy test. Obviously there is a flip side to new seasons in life that we would prefer to never enter—a sudden illness, a dramatic decrease in libido, even a pounding headache. These changes can challenge our enjoyment of sexual activities.
If you’re going through some shifts in your life that are impacting your ability to enjoy lovemaking, here are a few tips:
Try a New Position
A nine-month pregnancy might seem to be a season that will never end. Hormones are in upheaval. Her body image changes gradually, then dramatically. Although her sexual interest may be lowered, his will likely remain the same. Intercourse may be more comfortable and enjoyable in a side-lying position. Having the wife on top gives her more control of pressure and provides room for a protruding abdomen. This is a great time for the husband to cater to her needs. Remember that “love is patient, love is kind” (1 Corinthians 13:4).
And, in the final weeks of pregnancy intercourse may be just too much of a challenge! Nothing fits–anywhere. Is this an opportune time to consider alternative ways to achieve sexual satisfaction? Knowing fingers and dexterous tongues can bring rich shared pleasure when nothing else will do. Talk about these options and together choose what is best for you.
But pregnancy isn’t the only time we may need to change up positions. Do you have a heart condition? Are you concerned about too much exertion during sex-play? First ask your physician for approval, then concentrate on ways to have sex with minimal exertion. Side-lying positions are easier on your heart than being on top. If you’re a man, stay on your back and let your wife do most of the work. You can enjoy watching, touching, and squeezing anything within reach. And, wives, if arthritis pain affects your hips, the nesting spoon position is a good one to try with your husband entering from behind.
Prolong Touch
During middle life you may discover your libido (sex drive) to be somewhat lower than a decade or two before. Many couples adapt to this change by extending their foreplay while increasing the quality and variety of ways to play. As they learn how to lean into these pleasurable sensations, the challenge of decreased desire can surprisingly lead to an increase in sexual satisfaction. God loves to bless His children in the safe, sensual playground of marriage.
If husband and wife have not already learned about it in the past, this is a wonderful time to become cliterate. Being accomplished in the art of navigating and stimulating the clitoris can elevate the pleasure of sex play for both partners.
Indeed, digital (finger) stimulation can be very useful when intercourse is ill advised for other health reasons. Little effort is required when only hands are used. The results can be spectacular for both husband and wife. For more rapid sexual arousal, oral sex can be powerfully pleasurable. Both giver and receiver can be physically relaxed while delightful sensations are enjoyed. This option should be considered but never required. If it is right for your marriage, oral stimulation can beautifully satisfy desire.
Relax and Develop a Sense of Humor About it!
As time goes by new obstacles appear that might block the pleasures of lovemaking. Erectile dysfunction (ED) affects many men in middle life and beyond. Sorry, guys. It is not a matter of if but when this will happen to every sexually active man. Did you know that failure to climax in men (Male Orgasmic Disorder) is considered normal until it occurs in more than 25 percent of sexual attempts (2). Patience, kindness, and good humor nearly always triumph over ED. If it persists, medical attention is often quite helpful.
Many illnesses bring challenges to intimacy in marriage, too. Diabetes can reduce the sensitivity of nerves, reducing the pleasure of sensual touch. Heart disease may mix fear and fatigue in with the joys of lovemaking. Removal of ovaries can suddenly change a woman’s hormonal balance, while a mastectomy or hysterectomy may alter her feelings of femininity. Regardless of physical dysfunction, we remain sexual beings who desire and need to play. Intimacy must be adjusted at times, but the enjoyment of lovemaking never needs to fade.
Keep your lovemaking fresh. Sitting, standing, leaning, or lying down—intercourse can bring please when enjoyed from any angle. If you find your “normal” positions to be unsafe or uncomfortable, read a Christian sex blog and try out some of their suggestions. While you are at it, create a few of your own.
Our bodies change. Sometimes we must literally reposition, adapting the way we play to accommodate health changes and aging. But even now, regardless of any obstacles in your path, God wants to knock the socks off you and your mate with His amazing, abundant goodness. Adapting to sexual challenges is a privilege, an adventure that brings joy, laughter, and true satisfaction. It is a wonderful opportunity for you to show and to share love with your spouse. Forever.
(1) “How to make stress your friend,” Kelly McGonigal, video at TEDGlobal 2013, filmed June 2013, www.ted.com/talks/kelly_mcgonigal_how_to_make_stress_your_friend (accessed 5/24/2015)
(2) “What Are Male Sexual Problems,” WebMD: www.webmd.com/sexual-conditions/understanding-male-sexual-problems-basics (accessed 5/24/2015).
Note: Some portions of this article are excerpts taken from Dan and Linda Wilson, Lovemaking: 10 Secrets to Extravagant Intimacy in Marriage (Racine, WI: Broadstreet Publishing, 2015).
Dr. Dan and Linda Wilson are marriage missionaries. They delight in traveling around the world blessing marriages and sharing about Jesus. Dan and Linda are cofounders of Supernatural Marriage & Missions, and have written several books including Lovemaking: 10 Secrets to Extravagant Intimacy in Marriage and 7 Secrets to a Supernatural Marriage: The Joy of Spirit-Led Intimacy.
Giveaway
BroadStreet Publishing has given me 20 copies to give away to my subscribers for those willing to tell others about this book. To enter your name in the drawing for one of these beautiful hardcover books:
Share the promotional image below on at least one social media platform (Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Pinterest) with the hashtag #lovemakingbook.
The publisher will randomly choose 5 people who have tagged their social media posts #lovemakingbook and contact you for your address so they can send you the book.
In one week, I’ll post the names of those who won on the archive of this post.
Now it’s your turn! Do you have any marriage advice for us today? If you’re a blogger, just leave the URL of a marriage post in the linky below! And then be sure to link back here so other people can see these awesome posts!
The post Adapting to the Changing Seasons of Sex in Marriage appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.
