Sheila Wray Gregoire's Blog, page 167

Sheila’s Mailbag: Porn, STDs, Romance, and More

It’s Monday, Reader Question day! I try to answer a big question that’s come into the blog.

But I have such a backlog right now that I thought I’d do five all at once. I have to warn you, though: most of these are really sad (which is quite typical of what comes in). I do feel really badly for those in hurting marriages, and I hope I can point you to some helpful ways to break through some impasses.

Here we go:

1. My Husband Prefers Porn to Me

I have been married for 16 years. My husband has high blood pressure, and the medicine has messed up his sex drive. We only have sex every 4 to 6 months.

He had an affair in 2007. We tried to grow close again in 2009, but by that time we had both gained a lot of weight. Now we have no sex life. My husband hates his job and with that stress all he wants to do is sleep.  He says I should pleasure myself because that is what he does. He watches porn and masturbates.

I’ve lost 35 pounds, and I’m trying everything to get him to say “you look nice”, but he never compliments me. It KILLS me not to ever touch him. I have woken up in the middle the night and found him in the dark with porn so often. When we do have sex (which is almost never) he wants me to perform oral sex on him but he does nothing to pleasure me. It’s only about him. I’m so lonely.

Oh, how very, very sad.

And, unfortunately, how very, very common.

What she’s listing is several of the very common effects of porn that I talk about in my big post on it: he loses his sex drive; when he does have sex it’s about his pleasure, not hers; he prefers porn to actual intercourse; his view of beauty if warped by porn; he grows more isolated.

And because many guys turn to porn when they feel stress, the job stress and the porn likely feed each other.

A few thoughts:

This will not get better on its own. It will not get better until she says, “no more porn.” It will not get better until she stops tolerating it. The porn is killing her marriage. It is making him more and more distant, and causing them to live separate lives. It needs to be confronted.

Here are a few posts that can help:

4 Things You Must Do if Your Husband Uses Porn

How to Tackle Really Big Problems in Your Marriage (for once you’ve confronted him on the porn and you’re trying to rebuild)

And then I talk a lot about this exact scenario in my book, 9 Thoughts That Can Change a Marriage. I think a lot of women are stuck in this situation, thinking, “he refuses to talk about it and refuses to get help, so what can I do?” But there is a lot that you can do. I lay out some steps in the book, and I hope that this can help!

2. How do we handle a porn addiction if my husband works on the road?

I’ve been searching the web INTENSELY for a week now trying to find ways to cope with the hurt and shame I feel from my husband’s porn addiction, while supporting him and helping him quit. I have installed a parental control app on his phone to block the sites. But he is a truck driver and is away from home 4-6 days at a time and only home 2-3 days at a time. His addiction lead to us discussing divorce terms last weekend until he realized just how badly this is affecting us. He says he wants us up fix the problem once and for all, bit I just don’t know where exactly we go from here.

First of all, that’s great that he really wants to deal with it! She’s so much further ahead than many women. And second, that’s great that he’s willing to have a filter installed on his phone. I really recommend the Covenant Eyes one, which has the ability to also work with an accountability partner as well. If he tries to access a site he shouldn’t, his accountability partner will be notified. So it’s that extra layer of protection that helps prevent the temptation.

A few quick thoughts:

He needs an accountability partner. He needs a guy who will check in on him, at least twice a week, and ask him the hard questions. And he needs someone who will pray with him and help encourage him to be a good dad and husband.

Being away from home does pose special challenges. Make it a habit to connect every night, face to face, via FaceTime or Skype or something. If he physically sees you, then it’s much harder for him to turn to the porn. And have the kids (if you’ve got kids) come in the frame, too. Talk about your day and keep him grounded.

And then have him look for a Christian Truckers Association. There are TONS of Christian Truckers groups, and chances are he can find a truck stop to spend the night where there’s a meeting or a prayer group or a Bible study or something. Do some internet research yourself and map it out for him each week. Keep him with GOOD company, and he’ll find the temptation is far less!

3. How do I check up on my husband’s phone without him thinking I don’t trust him?

My husband and I have agreed that we don’t password our phones and we share passwords to email accounts and such, but I never check his accounts because I am afraid he will think I don’t trust him! How do I deal with this? There are times when I would really like to check-in, as we have had some difficulties in the past, but I’m afraid it seems distrustful rather than just a check-in. Any thoughts?

Yep. Just talk about it. Very openly, like this:

I know we’ve had troubles in the past, and I really want to have this great, intimate relationship, but I think that would be easier if we could be completely open. I don’t want you to think I don’t trust you, and that’s not it. I just want us both to feel like we’re totally transparent. So let me ask: do you have a problem with me looking at your phone?

Sometimes we’re trying to find a magical way of doing something, but really, the only way is to be completely honest. And the best time to do this is during a regular “marriage check in“, like I talked about in my New Year’s post on communication.

Also, if you have had issues in the past, then getting something like Covenant Eyes installed on your phones, tablets and computers can help you feel less insecure. And you get one month free when you sign up using my link!

4. My husband says he accidentally caught an STD. Am I an idiot for believing him?

Speaking of trust,  here’s a heartbreaking question:

The other day my husband broke some difficult news: he has a sexually transmitted infection. His explanation is as follows: he went to what he thought was a legitimate place to get a massage and to his shock the woman started performing oral sex on him. He says he immediately stopped her and left. This was several weeks ago and he didn’t say anything at the time. I’m not sure he would have told me if it weren’t for him getting sick. He said he didn’t say because he was scared I’d leave. I’m going to the doctor soon to see if I now have it too. He’s been a wreck about it and said he understands if I want to leave him. I want to believe him, but honestly if a friend told me this about their husband I wouldn’t! Before this I had no reason to suspect cheating except that we hadn’t been getting along. He’s a committed Christian but I know they can cheat too. So what do I do?

Oh, dear. What a mess!

My quick thoughts:

I go to a massage therapist. There is no way an actual massage therapist can be mistaken for a sexual “massage parlour”. My therapist is in a health centre. There are diplomas on the wall.

My guess (and this is only a guess) is that he was flirting with the idea of it, and went somewhere where he wasn’t sure what would happen entirely, but he was tempted. And that way he convinced himself he’d have plausible deniability.

Whatever the case, here’s what we do know: he’s contrite. He wants to work on the marriage.

This is one of those cases where I’d highly suggest a counsellor to talk through the grief of what has happened and the fact that they weren’t getting along before. A counselor can likely help figure out the truth of the situation.

I’d also recommend that a woman in this situation find a mentor for her husband who will meet or message him every week and ask those hard questions. My husband has 3 guys he meets with on a regular basis. It’s great for him and encourages him in his walk with God and his relationship with me and our girls. If he had a guy that he knew would be asking these questions, he’s be less likely to wander into something so seedy.

5. My husband assaulted me. How do I move on?

I was assaulted 9 years ago, and developed PTSD. My husband (who has PTSD from combat) knew this before we married. We took things slow, and he helped me heal. Through LOTS of time and effort and understanding and prayer, we had a great sex life. And then six months ago, when I was seven months pregnant with bio child #2 and we were about to fly home with our two adopted children… I said not tonight please, because of exhaustion and travel in a couple hours. He said, “I know you said you didn’t want to tonight, but…” and then he climbed on top and did it anyway. And I mentally checked out for self-preservation.

I don’t like to call it the R-word but it is, isn’t it?

After we’d been home a few weeks and talked through it over and over , we tried again and it was okay. The time after that, I asked him to stop and get lube and he wouldn’t. He hurt me. The midwife told us to stop until the baby came…and we never started again. I no longer flinch when my husband approaches me (took a LOT of effort), and sometimes I seek out snuggles, but that’s where it ends. It’s dead. I know I’m supposed to because Christian marriage blah blah. I’m so exhausted and hurt and most days can’t even acknowledge what happened because if I have a panic attack or other kind of meltdown, it’s all over. My husband has spent the past three months or so trying hard to win back my trust, but I’m just dead. How many times do I have to fight through hell to fix something I didn’t break?

Oh, how awful.

And let’s be clear: YES, that was rape. Marital rape is a real thing, and if you said no, and if he knew you said no, and he did anyway–that is rape.

What he did was a crime.

Likely a lot of the root of it was his own PTSD, and his own past hurts and bad coping patterns, especially with the stress of a new baby and an adoption coming. So you have a whole bunch of factors converging to create something really awful.

And here’s what I think is happening: When you married, you guys were each hurt. And you came together anyway and God was working great healing in you. He blessed you with two beautiful children and then He led you to adopt two special needs kids. That’s God doing an amazing thing!

But when God works, so often does our enemy. And you guys were ripe for Satan to attack. I don’t like to blame the devil for everything bad that happens, and this certainly doesn’t absolve your husband of responsibility, but I see this in so many cases: a couple is finding healing, which makes them all the more dangerous to the devil. He really doesn’t like it when people that were once in his domain because they were hurt move into God’s domain because of healing. So he attacked.

Now the question is: what do you do about it?

I’d suggest you fight–fight for truth and for healing. I don’t know what that will look like in your specific case, but ignoring it will do nothing. And you need a counselor to talk through these issues (and a counselor will also be better able to see if any other steps need to be taken regarding the assault, and if you’re in immediate danger. I can’t tell that from an email. But, in general, I do advise all women who have been physically or sexually assaulted to contact the authorities and remove themselves from the situation.)

You need to process this hurt and to get past it, if he’s truly repentant.
He needs to understand why it happened and he needs to figure out how to handle stressful life events.

What you can’t do is go on like you are, doing nothing but caring for the kids. Those kids need stability in their lives, and that will only come if you work this through–in whatever way that turns out to be. Otherwise it will fester and grow and will have horrible effects on everybody.

No, it’s not fair that you have to go through it again, but some of us just have to fight more than others. And I pray that you will find the strength to do just that.

Whew. Those were heavy questions.

I hope that this helped! And I’ll try this week to bring some lighter stuff out, too. I think we all need it!

 

The post Sheila’s Mailbag: Porn, STDs, Romance, and More appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

Tomorrow is a Day with No Marriage Mistakes In It Yet!

Today I want to give you some encouragement for your marriage!

Sheila’s Marriage Moment: Tomorrow is a Day with No Mistakes in it Yet!

Every Friday I like to run a 400-word inspirational marriage thought. Hope you enjoy this one, about fresh starts.

As some of you have realized, I throw the letter “u” into weird words, like flavour, or colour, or Saviour. That’s because I’m Canadian. And we Canadians like our “u’s”.

We also like Anne of Green Gables. And one of my favourite (there’s that u again) lines from the book is when Anne says,

Oh, Marilla, isn’t it wonderful that tomorrow is a day with no mistakes in it yet?

What a wonderful sentiment!

No matter where you are in your marriage, tomorrow is a day with no mistakes in it yet.

No matter where you are in your marriage, tomorrow is a day with no mistakes in it yet.
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It’s a fresh start. In fact, God gives each of us a fresh start everyday.

Each morning we get to decide:

do I want to live today, or do I want to live yesterday over again? Do I want to see today through God’s eyes, or do I want to see it through the eyes of what happened yesterday, or last year, or even when I was a child?

I know many of you are walking through deep valleys in your marriage. I had emails yesterday from people whose husbands have  confessed to affairs. I’ve had other emails from both husbands and wives in absolute despair because their spouses refuse to address problems. Things can look so bleak.

But I want to share some good news with you. My marriage was once really difficult, and sex was the main reason. But now we are rock solid. It just took a few years.

That’s what Maggie Waite and Linda Gallagher found when they crunched the numbers from the National Marriage Survey and wrote their book The Case for Marriage. They looked at one large study that followed couples who rated their marriage as a 7 or an 8 on an 8 point scale, with 8 being absolutely lousy.  They watched these couples for the next five years. The people who split were less likely to be personally happy than those who stayed together. But of those who stayed, 87% now rated their marriages higher than a 7 or an 8, and 78% rated them as a 1 or a 2. Deciding to stick it out and deal with your problems does bear fruit.

What that tells me is that if your marriage is in the toilet, it isn’t necessarily time to flush it.

Certainly separation is sometimes the wake up call your spouse needs.

But in most cases where we’re unhappy, it’s not due to something major. It’s a whole series of small hurts that balloon and wreck our communication because they fill our minds with distrust and even contempt.

Tomorrow is a day with no marriage mistakes in it yet. Maybe it’s time to start fresh!

What’s #1 at To Love, Honor and Vacuum?

#1 NEW Post on the Blog: A Story of Vaginismus: What I Wish I Had Known

#1 on the Blog Overall: Top 10 Ways to Initiate Sex

#1 from Facebook: 10 Things I Wish I Knew Before I Got Married

#1 from Pinterest: The 43 Folder System to Organize Your Paper Clutter

 

Walking Through one of the Hardest Sexual Difficulties

This week on the blog I’ve taken a 3-day hiatus from normal posting and I’ve looked at a sexual problem called vaginismus, or pain during sex. The vast majority of you will never (thankfully) experience this. But a small percentage do, and they feel really alone, and we don’t talk about it.

Most people don’t even know the condition exists.

Even this week, when I posted one of the articles on Facebook, one commenter said, “just take it slowly and relax and it will be fine!” That’s the message that most sufferers of vaginismus hear, but the truth is it ISN’T fine and relaxing isn’t that simple.

I know that many of you couldn’t relate to these posts, but I hope that I’ve raised awareness, because even if you don’t experience it, chances are someone in your women’s Bible study or in your family or in your friend group does. And she may not even know there’s a term for it or that it’s fixable. So the more we talk about it, the more we help women who do suffer get help early! So thanks for hanging in there, and if I could ask you to share Lauren’s beautiful post from Tuesday, it will help other women put a name to what they’re experiencing, too.

Just click the pic to go to the post and share it on Facebook or Pinterest or Twitter! Or, to make it easier, just repin my pin here!

I’m on My Way to Give My Girl Talk in Georgia and Texas!

Yay! I’m leaving the snow behind and my husband and I are heading south. As of tomorrow we’ll be back in our RV to birdwatch in Florida for 10 days before heading to Georgia and Texas for my Girl Talk speaking engagements.

If you’re in Georgia, I’ll be in Dacula and Macon, and if you’re in Texas I’ll be in Childress and Tyler. I’d love to see you!

And if you’re in the south and can’t make these events in Georgia, I’m passing through Georgia, Louisiana, and the Carolinas again in April. If your church would like to get in on an event, please email my assistant Tammy! It isn’t that difficult–all you have to do is provide some coffee and a few snacks. I do all the rest. You can decorate if you want to, but if you don’t, I have a huge banner that will fill the stage. And if you can get about 100 women out, the event pretty much pays for itself. Go in with a few churches and get 200 women, and your church could even make some money that can go towards scholarships for your women’s retreat or something!

Next year we’ll be heading through the central states and then into Texas, Arizona, California, and Washington. So email Tammy if you’d like to book me for then!

So I Was in Toronto filming Context with Lorna Dueck this week…

And a funny thing happened.

I’m sitting in the back, waiting for my chance to go on to the Valentine’s Day program that they’re taping, and the host says that they’re going to bring in their “expert” on communication from California, and interview her remotely. And suddenly Fawn Weaver’s face (Fawn from Happy Wives Club) appears on the screen!

Too funny because we’re friends and I had been contacting her about something earlier that day anyway.

So I rushed up and got to say hi to her before they started the interview.

Then I was interviewed about why I think sex often tears marriages apart, and I talked about libido differences and how people don’t understand that sex is more than just physical.

Someone took a bunch of pictures on my iPhone during the interview (I wish they were sharper), but it’s so funny because each shot I have a seriously weird expression on my face. I guess I use a lot of faces when being interviewed!

Here’s my favourite:

So it’s been a busy week, and Keith has been away a lot on call, because he’s always busy the week before we leave. But I’m excited to get going!

Have a great weekend, everyone!

31 Days to Great Sex is here (only $4.99!) It's the best $5 you'll ever spend on your marriage!

Learn to talk more, flirt more, and even explore more! You'll work on how to connect emotionally, spiritually, AND physically.

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Overcoming Vaginismus: 9 Steps Towards Recovery

Vaginismus plagues, to some extent, about 10% of wives.

It means that sex hurts–in some cases so much so that intercourse is impossible.

This is the last of a 3-part series on vaginismus. On Tuesday we heard from Lauren, a young newlywed coming to terms with vaginismus and dealing with all the emotions that brings. Yesterday we heard the voices of women dealing with the pain of vaginismus. And today I want to give 9 steps that can help in overcoming vaginismus.

Dealing with the Emotions of Vaginismus:
1. Don’t Feel Guilty About Having Vaginismus

It isn’t your fault. You did not cause this.

Please hear me on this one! One of the most common feelings when you have vaginismus is intense guilt. We’re supposed to give our husbands this incredible sex life, and our bodies aren’t even able!

And he’s disappointed, and we feel so desperate to have him not be disappointed.

Yesterday I shared these words from one of the dear commenters on the blog:

he deserves better than this from me.

And my heart just breaks, because I understand, since I was there, too–for the first few years of our marriage.

And we hear all about how he needs sex, and how he waited for sex, and now you’re supposed to give it to him and you can’t.

But guilt will not cure vaginismus.

In fact, guilt can make it worse, because in our guilt we can push ourselves too hard too fast. Talk about what you’re feeling. Tell him what you need, while reassuring him that you want to get better, too:

I need you to understand that it’s not that I’m rejecting sex; I’m rejecting pain. I want more than anything else to be able to have sex, and I want to work towards that, but right now we may have to find other things to do because I don’t want my brain to associate pain with sex any more than it already does. I want to work towards healing, and I’m going to really need your support and your affirmation, because I just feel so lousy about this.

2. Let Your Husband Feel Disappointment

You’re dealing with this, but so is he. And he is going to be frustrated and hurt. Let him have those feelings. So often when we’re feeling something intensely we project it onto him. So if we’re feeling guilty about depriving him of a great sex life, and then he seems disappointed, we can read onto him: “He thinks I should be doing more even if it hurts me!” Maybe he’s just thinking,

I’m so frustrated, and I want to support my wife, but I don’t know how.

Let him be upset. But remember that you’re a team, and keep reassuring each other you have the same end goal.

3. Remember: No One Has the “Right” to Great Sex

What makes vaginismus so hard to deal with is that we feel cheated, but at the same time we also feel like we’re cheating our husbands.

But great sex is not a “right” or an “entitlement”. It is a gift that God gives to us in marriage, but that doesn’t mean that everyone will receive it at the same time.

Some people are born partially paralyzed. Some people are born deaf. Some people are in car accidents and live with chronic pain. You don’t have the “right” to a pain-free life or to hearing or to sight or to mobility any more than you have the right to great sex.

You aren’t being cheated, and you aren’t cheating anyone. You’re just experiencing a real disappointment. But it is one that can be successfully treated!

Dealing with Sex While Vaginismus Is Still Being Treated:
4. Be Very Patient with Yourself–and with Your Husband

Forcing yourself to do something which is excrutiating will likely prolong the condition, because you further cement the association of pain with intercourse in your brain.

You also set up a really difficult emotional dynamic for your husband, where he can feel so guilty for wanting sex. As one commenter said yesterday, her husband feels like he’s raping her, but she also wants to have intercourse so she doesn’t feel like a failure.

What often happens years later, after the pain goes away, is that both people have difficulty getting past the emotional dynamics they’ve created. He still feels guilty for wanting sex, and she resents the fact that he would do something that hurt her–even if she asked him to. You can avoid a lot of this by talking openly, working towards a cure, and having fun doing other things in the meantime.

5. Don’t Take Shortcuts to Arousal

One of the most common problems that couples get sucked into when vaginismus hits is fantasy and pornography. We women can be desperate to feel aroused, since sex doesn’t do it, and desperate to prove that we do have a sex drive, that we turn to porn or erotica. One of my friends who had vaginismus had a doctor tell her to a buy a vibrator. So she used it and enjoyed it, but it didn’t help at all with intercourse. And then she found her desire for her husband went away even more!

Jennifer Smith, aka The Unveiled Wife, shares this personal story in her book about her struggle with vaginismus:

I had been exposed to pornography when I was younger, and with easy access to the Internet I knew where to seek it. I did not understand when or how it gained such a rule over my life; just like my husband, I became a slave to my own lust. I understood the weight of my husband’s addiction all too well, even though I never wanted to tell him. I felt like confessing such a sin would somehow condone his actions or make them less hurtful toward me. I was deceived, but unlike Aaron, I was left without any accountability to help me defend my heart or marriage against such evil.

When a craving to look at explicit images manifested, I stumbled through thousands of different photos, the majority of which included females. I fantasized about being those women. A desire to be sexy, to feel wanted, to experience a good sexual encounter, all pulled me into a world of lust where I tried to create an environment or circumstance that fulfilled me. I was filling my mind with these images, unknowingly connecting sexual gratification with females, which fed an intensely growing craving.

She fell into a struggle with porn that she had to break before she could grow her intimacy with her husband.

And then many men fall into porn because they feel like at least then they won’t be pressuring their wives.

Porn is not harmless. The effects of porn are devastating on your libido and your sex life. And it won’t help vaginismus–it will only make you dissociate, so that when you’re having sex you’re thinking about something other than your husband. That hurts intimacy; it doesn’t enhance it.

Does sex hurt--so much that intercourse is almost impossible? 9 steps to make it better!
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Overcoming Vaginismus Once and For All:
6. Get a Good Health Professional

If your doctor tells you to use a vibrator, get a different doctor. If your doctor dismisses your concerns, or says, “just give it time!”, get another doctor. If your doctor prescribes a recovery plan for vaginismus that scares you to death, get another opinion.

From all the commenters I’ve had, the vast majority who did find relief found it through a physical therapist, not from a doctor. Physiotherapists are trained to help you deal with muscle pain far more than physicians are, and getting a referral to a good one is likely your best plan.

7. Try Some Vaginal Dilators

Most treatment programs for vaginismus will include learning how to relax the muscles at the opening 1 1/2 inches of the vagina so that sex becomes possible–and comfortable. The easiest way to do this is to use vaginal dilators. I know that sounds scary, and they look kinda scary, but you can do it by yourself, at your own pace. You can use some lubricant with them, too!

Other physiotherapists recommend not just dilators but weights that you actually insert and keep inside you. This forces you to use the muscles to keep them in place, which “trains” you in how to use and activate those muscles. Ironically, if we learn how to “squeeze”, then it’s also far easier to learn how to relax.

Even when you’re having intercourse, it works best to squeeze him first before  you try to relax, because then you engage the muscles. So both dilators and weights will help you learn to control the muscles, which can stop the involuntary squeezing.

8. Don’t Run Away from Physical Intimacy

You may not be able to have intercourse comfortably, but that doesn’t mean that you can’t be sexual with each other! And, in fact, it’s even more important that you try, because you need the closeness that comes from being sexual, and you need the release from orgasm, and you need to know that your body can, actually, respond!

There are sexual options beyond intercourse, and don’t shy away from them.

Here’s Jennifer Smith on this:

The more we neglected sexual intimacy, the worse our attitudes grew toward each other. It was as if we were building walls in our hearts, keeping each other at a distance, rather than building a bridge between us. With each impenetrable wall we built, knowing each other in an intimate way became a more impossible challenge. After a few arguments erupted and were drawn out over several days, it dawned on me that our relationship seemed the most vulnerable when we went long periods without engaging in romance.

9. Look to All Possible Causes

Finally, look at all possible causes of vaginismus. For some of us it’s teaching we had on sex when we were younger that made us feel like sex was something dirty. For some of us it’s abuse. In both of these cases, talking to a counselor can really help, and may be all that’s needed to fix the problem.

For others of us there’s a physical cause: the pelvic floor muscles which cause vaginismus are also affected by the bowel and by other parts of the body. Talking to a physiotherapist may help you find other causes. For some of us it’s trauma during childbirth. You may have been able to have sex fine beforehand, but after birth and some tearing you never recovered. A physiotherapist can often help with this.

Jennifer Smith found that her vaginismus had an environmental root: the parabens in her toiletries. Going paraben free led to an almost overnight recovery (after being unable to consummate their marriage for four years!).

So don’t assume that if you have vaginismus you must have some repressed sexual abuse memories or something. It may not be that at all! And some people never do find an underlying cause. But whether or not you identify the cause, you can still work on getting better!

In my book, The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, I talk about my own journey with vaginismus and what you can do about it. I also help us to get a healthier view of sex–so that it’s not about obligation or something “just animal”, but that it’s something truly intimate and lots of fun. If you’re in a downward spiral where you hate all things sexual, I really encourage you to read this and get a different perspective.

 

If you’re suffering from vaginismus, I hope this series has helped you.

There is hope. You can get better. Sex can be absolutely great without any pain at all. So cling to your husband, pray hard, and don’t give up!

Vaginismus can be treated and overcome! 9 steps to find healing--and Enjoy Sex.
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Wifey Wednesday: The Voices of Women with Vaginismus

The pain of vaginismus is more than just physical. It’s emotional and psychological as well.

Today’s Wednesday, the day we always talk about marriage. And I’m in the middle of a 3-part series on vaginismus, a condition where women have extreme pain during intercourse (and sometimes can’t even have intercourse) because their muscles tense up involuntarily.

While most women never experience this, between 2-14% of women do suffer from it. And I’ve had so many of these women on this blog, sending me emails and leaving me comments.

I have a special place in my heart for these women, because I went through it, too, as I shared in The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex. It’s awful. You feel like you’ve been cheated, but at the same time you feel like you’re also cheating your husband.

You feel angry at everyone–at your husband who wants sex even though it hurts you; at the church that gives the message “men need sex” without ever acknowledging that giving him sex causes you great pain; at God who would create men to need sex to feel loved, resulting in you needing to be hurt so he can feel loved.

And then, in order to try to cope and recover from it, you go through physical therapy or try things which seem so degrading.

But you have to, because this isn’t the kind of life you want.

This year I’ve read two books by blogging friends–books where they share about their struggle with vaginismus, too. Jennifer Smith’s The Unveiled Wife and Emily Weiringa’s Making It Home both are such poignant looks at dealing with this condition.

Yesterday I shared a beautiful post by a newlywed who is coming to terms with her diagnosis and is aggressively working to overcome it. Tomorrow I’m going to give a round-up of suggestions on how to deal with it.

Today I want to give women suffering with the pain of vaginismus a chance to cut through all of the noise about the obligation to have sex and how great sex is supposed to be, and speak their own pain. And for those of you who have never suffered through with the pain of vaginismus, I hope that by learning about this condition you may be able to encourage someone in the future, too, because it can be so lonely feeling like you’re the only one who has ever gone through this.

I’ve taken these quotes from comments and from emails. Let’s listen to these women:

From Women Who Wonder if Their View of Sex from Childhood is the Cause

Between watching my parents, who always kept the door of their bedroom cracked open and were almost never physically affectionate with each other in front of my brother and I, and being a teenager during the height of “I Kissed Dating Goodbye”‘s popularity, I understood well that sex before marriage was not God’s ideal. But I never really internalized the message that sex after marriage was a good thing. So I did wait for marriage, but in the 2 1/2 years since, I’ve never had pain-free sex. Between that, a pregnancy that I was sick for the whole time, and a tear during labor that took way longer than average to heal from, it’s been a particularly difficult year in the bedroom for my husband and I, and I’ve often wondered if things would be different if I’d gotten a more balanced view of God’s plan for sex and intimacy in marriage. I started physical therapy today to see if that helps the muscle spasms, and I pray that it works. I’m thankful that I have a patient husband, but he deserves better than this from me.

Sheila says: That last phrase breaks my heart. I can feel her defeat–“he deserves better than this from me.” It’s so hard to accept the fact that this isn’t something you are deliberately doing.

I grew up in the Bible Belt USA, the purity message followed me from home, to church, and at school. It was up to me to stay pure and to keep my brothers in Christ from stumbling by how I dressed. I would wear jeans, t-shirts, baggy jackets, no make up, anything to hide my curves. It seemed no matter what I did I’d still get that up down gawking stare from guys, it always made me feel sick and disgusted with myself. … A few months after I graduated we got married–the first guy I dated, the first guy I kissed, the first guy I liked. Then came sex. Sex is for men right? So I had it when he wanted it, how he wanted. Sex was painful and a duty for me. The only time I had heard the word foreplay was closely followed by a message that only sluts like sex. Our first try at foreplay made my skin crawl and I became nauseous. Three years of “quickies” later my Vaginismus became unbearable and I refused to have sex more than once a week. Even that felt like torture. After giving birth he could no longer penetrate and I reached out to my mother to see if it was normal. Long story short, my parents ordered a vaginal dilator set to help with the physical part of Vaginismus and I’ve been tearing down my mental blocks on sex. I absolutely hated the feeling of arousal, hated being caressed and touched. Now I’m letting myself like what I feel and get lost in the moment. I have a long road ahead but I’m starting to enjoy sex for the first time and we haven’t had to use half a bottle of lube each time we have sex.

Sheila says: Waiting years to reach out and ask someone if this is ‘normal’ is also very normal! I wish more women could be like Lauren, who wrote our post yesterday, who sought help immediately. I’m so glad this reader is now starting to enjoy sex!

I never read Harris’s book, but was very influenced by the purity culture. It was just sort of assumed that we wouldn’t kiss until our wedding day. That ended up being the worst kiss of my life, and it took half our honeymoon to actually enjoy kissing! I too had vaginismus, but was too embarrassed to ever talk to anybody about it, we felt like such failures when we got back from our honeymoon without being able to fully consummate our marriage. Because I didn’t know what was wrong with me, nor did I know that there was something I could do about it, the vaginismus didn’t become completely resolved until after my second child was born, 3 years into our marriage. These issues have caused tons of stress and problems for us, and now my husband has become the one completely turned off by sex because it’s taken me so very long to work though my issues. I don’t want to live the rest of my life with these regrets, and am definitely going to raise our daughter differently.

Sheila says: Vaginismus is such a disappointment to husbands, too. We can’t really work at healing unless we do it together. I’m glad that she has found resolution, but in so many marriages, like this one, even if the physical resolves, there’s still a relationship toll.

How vaginismus makes us feel

Vaginismus will make you feel broken. Reading this I kept thinking “that’s me!”. Before we found out what was wrong my husband thought I just didn’t like sex so he got frustrated then didn’t ask for it for a while. After I gave birth it hurt so badly I thought he was tearing me apart. I confessed to my mother and I got help. It’s nice to know I’m not the only one, I’m not broken.

Sheila says: You’re not broken! You aren’t. I’m glad you got help.

Sex is EXTREMELY painful after being married just over a year. I really really want to have a great sex life but I think we’ve only been able to get it more than 1 or 2 inches in once and we only try about once a month now because it is the most excruciating thing I have ever felt. I want to try some type of treatment program.

Sheila says: You definitely should! This is the sort of comment I get a lot–women who have pain but don’t realize that this is a real condition that CAN be treated.

I’ve suffered from vaginismus ever since I got married. I’ve tried to go to doctors and tried some sort of therapy and my husband and I succeeded at having intercourse after one whole year of desperate marriage. But it hurt like anything! I’ve not enjoyed a second of it. Then we had our first and only child. After that we tried several times to have intercourse with no success at all, which created a huge gap between us. We even stopped touching each other. I’m emotionally drained. My husband became a porn addict (which I can’t really blame him though I’m so angry). Now I want a divorce. I wish I never married.

Sheila says: I’m so, so sorry. I see this so often: a whole trail of hurt. Tomorrow I want to touch on how we tend to withdraw from each other, but I know how desperate it can seem.

I cried the first three times we had sex (on our honeymoon) and for the first year of marriage counted ceiling tiles to take my mind off the pain. It caused a significant strain on our marriage, obviously. We felt lied to by everyone (particularly the Christian purity movement) and so alone. I felt like a terrible wife and felt so guilty. I saw a therapist who suggested I had vaginismus. Things are a little better now–nowhere near pleasant, but no bleeding or crying now. My poor husband has been wonderfully supportive most of the time and done his best to be there for me, even though he feels like he is raping me sometimes. We practice other intimacy, and it’s made life bearable. We just don’t want to feel so alone.

Sheila says: One of the hardest parts of vaginismus recovery is that even when you feel better, your husband may have these lingering fears that he’s hurting you, or he feels guilty for causing you pain (and feeling like he was raping you, even if you were the one begging to try ‘just one more time’). Vaginismus isn’t something that just the wife hurts from; husbands hurt too. I’m so glad to see that this couple has clung to each other and is still growing together.

If sex really hurts, that isn't normal. It's called vaginismus. You're not alone. There is help:
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From Women Who Have Found the Cause–and Cure–of the Pain of Vaginismus

I did successfully cope with vaginismus, painful sex & the anxiety I developed around it. My physiotherapist believes mine might be onset by my IBS and bowel issues I’ve had in the past. The pelvic floor is a very sensitive part of your body and physical therapy changed my life!

Sheila says: Absolutely! It isn’t always a psychological root.

I had Vaginismus for the first five years of my marriage. I wanted to add two things 1. It CAN very successfully be treated with physical therapy. There are physiotherapists that specialize in the pelvic floor. 2. It can be caused by physical issues. Mine was caused by a build up of scar tissue from a fairly pelvic surgery I had as an infant.

Sheila says: A common thread I have seen from women who have sought treatment AND been successfully treated is a physiotherapist, NOT a doctor. Many doctors, from the emails I’ve received, made it worse!

A lot of doctors have never even heard of it. I so appreciate that you not only mentioned the psychological issues involved with the condition, but also stated that some women just have pain and no one knows why. Most articles I’ve read about this condition pretty much just say “Try to relax and it won’t hurt anymore.” Real helpful… not! I’ve been married for 8 months and I’m still working on getting over my vaginismus, but dilators have helped me so much. I’ve gone from not being able to insert a tampon (not even the tiny skinny ones) to being able to insert a dilator larger than… well you know. Vaginismus can make you feel hopeless and like a freak of nature, but there is hope! You CAN train your body to function normally. And for those who are married and in the process of dealing with vaginismus, you can still do other sexy things with your husband until intercourse is no longer painful.

Sheila says: That’s definitely one of the most frustrating things–advice from people who just don’t get it! So glad that dilators are helping.

If sex really hurts (or if intercourse isn't possible), there is help! That's not normal.
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I, too, had pain when I first started having sex with my husband (we’ve been married 5 1/2 yrs). I did some research to figure out why. In my head, I basically was preparing myself for pain instead of pleasure… Because ..well, It hurt! Also, I found out after I still was in pain after a couple of years- that my hymen was still intact. In fact, I just had a baby in May and my Dr. had to perform a Hymenotomy to make room for baby’s head. It had stretched (it’s an elastic like membrane) overtime from sex so it eventually became less painful but the pain didn’t go away completely. He had to enter me the same way every time or else it hurt. I also would clench or tighten up out of that anticipation of fear. I had to learn to breathe, relax, say: “this is going to feel good, my husband loves me and doesn’t want to or like to hurt me, I want this too.” We took things slooow (which, for a man that’s been waiting for sex- is sometimes hard). There were times it felt so good to him and so bad for me I cried and pushed him off because he would get out of control with the pleasure and sensation. It hurt my feelings the same way- why would he do that when he knows it hurts me? But men can’t think clearly during that time. You have to be patient and just teach them. He learned after a while that he couldn’t be selfish! After my Hymenotomy- sex is the best it’s ever been!! We can do anything and everything pain free.

I guess what I’m trying to say is, don’t get discouraged. I had my own Obgyn (who I DO NOT GO ANYMORE) tell me if I was sexually active, the hymen shouldn’t be a problem or should have been broken already. She didn’t believe me that it was a problem. My OB I go to now said she thought she could help stretch it during delivery but realized it was much thicker than she first thought. Always rely on your instincts because you know your body better than anyone. Also the psychological aspect is HUGE. If you already hold a lot if resentment- you will have to work through that first.

Sheila says: If your doctor isn’t helping–get another doctor! Here’s another story of how getting the right help made all the difference.

Women Giving Other Women Encouragement About Recovery from Vaginismus

We were married for about 2.5 years before we finally achieved intercourse! My big motivating factor was that I wanted children. So I held my breath through the pain and we finally “did it.” It was still painful and I dreaded it every time. I was so grateful when I got pregnant so I didn’t have to go through it as often. My first was born via c-section and, after baby #1’s birth we felt like we were starting from the beginning again. Baby #2 was born vaginally and, though it was still painful, it was much easier! So I loved being “loosened up” after giving birth. It’s still painful initially but we are finally at the point in our sex lives (after over 7 years of marriage) that we are able to take time to figure out how to enjoy sex. The best part of all: we are so much closer for all the struggles we have been through. God is so good and He really can make miracles happen!

Sheila says: I found the same thing–giving birth helped a lot! But for many women it’s the opposite. Childbirth can make things worse.

THERE IS LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL!! When my husband and I were first married, we were unable to have intercourse at all for 4 months (and believe me, we tried!). Then we found a paragragh on vaginismus in a Christian marriage book we were reading, so we googled it and found help. Today, we have 2 handsome little boys, who are a testimony to God’s grace. We are so thankful that God led us to a solution!! I won’t say ALL of our problems in the area of sex are solved. They aren’t, but we’re sure a whole lot further along than we were 4 1/2 years ago when we first got married. So don’t despair – find help!! It’s out there.

Sheila says: It is indeed! Thank you.

Most women who have vaginismus feel really alone. If you’re comfortable, can you share this post on Pinterest or Facebook using the buttons below? Women need to understand that there is treatment and that this isn’t normal! Thank you.

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A Story of Vaginismus: 5 Things I Wish I Had Known

Vaginismus plagues many women who read this blog.

It’s a condition where your vagina tenses up, completely involuntarily (you have no control over it) during intercourse, making intercourse either very painful or downright impossible. I get so many letters from women suffering from this, and I shared in The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex about how my marriage was plagued by vaginismus for the first few years. I know what these women go through, because I did too.

And so I’d like to do a three-part series on it this week, sharing some stories and then doing a round-up of resources.

We’re going to start today with this vulnerable and very open post from newlywed Lauren Meeks, sharing what she wishes she understood before she got married, which would have prepared her better.

Here’s Lauren:

I was raised to view my virginity as almost as important as my salvation.

It was my most precious possession, to be guarded at all costs, and the loss of it before marital bliss was possibly the most shameful thing that could possibly have happened to me.

I took those warning to heart.

I signed the pledge to wait to have sex until marriage, I wore the purity ring, I restricted my dating life to a handful of guys in college and beyond…I even swore that I would refrain from kissing my husband until the wedding day.

But I assumed that all of that work would pay off with a hot, passionate sex life with my husband after we had finally said “I do.” I assumed that because no one had ever told me differently. Despite my repeated and direct questions, the best advice I got from my trusted friends, family, and even doctors was always along the lines of “it’ll all work out,” or “don’t worry, you’ll figure it out.”

Then 3 months ago, I was married to the most wonderful man I’ve ever met.

And let’s just say…things haven’t worked out as planned.

Shortly after returning from the honeymoon, after a week of tears and pain and frustration, I went to the doctor and was diagnosed with vaginismus, involuntary contractions of the pelvic muscles that make sex extremely painful or even impossible. What followed were the darkest few months of my life.

My challenges were caused by much more than mere physical challenges, and they affected me much deeper than I expected them to. As I came to a more realistic understanding of just what a difficult road I had ahead of me if I wanted to overcome my diagnosis, I became engulfed deeper and deeper into depression, ever more convinced of my utter failure as a woman and as a wife.

As I fought to find time on the calendar and money in the budget for daily physical therapy and weekly counseling, I also found myself becoming enraged with everyone around me – my husband, my family, my friends, and most of all, God. The injustice of it was more than I could bear. I had worked so hard to stay pure for my husband, and now that I was married I was rewarded with nothing but stress and anxiety.

I am not out of the woods yet. The therapy and counseling continue, as do occasional recurrences of depression and self-pity. But I have learned a lot during the past three months, things I desperately wish I’d known before I was married. Here are 5 things I would have told my pre-wedded self if I could; 5 things that hopefully will benefit your unmarried daughters and keep them from going through the same mental and emotional trauma I did.

1. Your sexual performance is not a judge of your quality as a woman or as a wife.

This was by far the most damaging lie I believed when I got married. My husband was consistently very supportive of and patient with me…but in the back of my mind, I always knew how important sex is to men. And when I couldn’t easily give him that, I allowed it to color every single thing I did with a terrible sense of gloom and failure.

I remember one night, my husband asked me to preheat the oven to 350 degrees before he got home from work. I mistakenly set it to 400 instead. When he got home and we realized my mistake, I had a complete mental breakdown. I had been walking around with such a deep conviction of my utter failure as a woman because of my physical struggles in the bedroom, that something as innocuous as preheating the oven to the wrong temperature would send me into a tailspin.

What I have had to learn and accept is that I am valuable and worthy of love, period. My performance as a wife, as a daughter, and as a friend does not and cannot change this fact. Once I was able to embrace that fact, the emotional breakdowns became much fewer and farther between.

2. There is no requirement that you have sex on the honeymoon.

My honeymoon week was filled with fights and frustrations and tears…lots and lots of tears. My husband was more than willing to wait, but because I’d been so thoroughly coached by popular culture about how all honeymoons should be full of passionate lovemaking, I tried to force myself to give him what I thought he needed. The only thing that accomplished was making me more miserable and convinced of my failure as a wife.

As newlyweds in general, but especially on your honeymoon, you are getting to know each other in a completely different way. It’s almost as if you’re a brand-new dating couple again. And so, just like when you had just started dating, it’s important to not put undue pressure on each other. Talk about your expectations beforehand, of course, but the main focus of your honeymoon should be just enjoying being with each other and getting to know each other. Don’t feel like you have to force yourself to give him something that you’re not ready to give. He will wait for you, and he will still love you and think no less of you while he is waiting.

3. You need to be honest and upfront with your husband.

The biggest fight I’ve ever had with my husband since we’ve met was the night after our wedding. And it was all a result of a simple miscommunication about expectations for the wedding night. If I had been completely transparent about the things I was nervous or scared about beforehand, we could have avoided that fight completely (and many others after it, as well).

4. Find a doctor you trust…preferably before the wedding.

When I got married I was pretty naive about both the female and the male physiology. Being more informed would have helped ease my nerves enormously.

It’s not that I didn’t try to inform myself. I did go visit doctors several times between the engagement and the wedding. But they all shrugged off my concerns, assuring me that everything would work out after the wedding.

That’s no help at all. You need to find someone who will be upfront and honest about any potential problems, listen to and REALLY respond to your concerns, and help you prepare for any issues you may not have considered.

Sheila Says: in my book, The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, I try to prepare new brides for what’s coming, including talking to them about what may be “normal” pain and what is something else entirely. And I explain the ins and outs (pardon the pun) of everything that will be happening! If you’re about to get married, or know a woman who’s engaged, pick up a copy for her so that she’s prepared.

5. Self-pity will get you nowhere.

Some people prefer to wallow in self-pity instead of trying to fix their problems. I know, I was one of them. And for a while, it may be somewhat cathartic to just feel sorry for yourself. But eventually self-pity will paralyze you, leave you unable to take control of your life and really LIVE it to the fullest.

I have vaginismus. It isn’t fair.

Some people have cancer, depression, autoimmune disorders, missing limbs, cleft palates, diabetes, paralysis….obviously the list goes on and on. Those diseases aren’t fair, either. Everyone has their own cross to bear, some sort of unfair challenge they must fight that no one else around them has to deal with.

But personal challenges don’t mean life isn’t worth living. They are a normal part of the human existence.

When you come across an insurmountable challenge that seems so unfair to you, when you wrestle with anger and bitterness and thoughts of “why me?”, don’t let the unfairness of life rob you of your joy of it.

Eventually you’ve got to pick yourself up, find some supportive people to surround yourself with, and figure out what the next step is to having a happy, productive life again.

It’s easy for women in positions similar to my own to play the blame game. They blame their parents, their teachers, their husband, and most certainly they blame themselves. But even if there is a very clear party that is directly to blame for your struggles (which is very unusual), passing blame will not make your situation any better, and it will probably make it worse.

I am valued, treasured, loved and worth loving. As are you.

That is a fact that does not change, regardless of what is going on in your life, regardless of how much of a failure you think you are. But hopefully, by preparing yourself ahead of time and learning how to love and accept yourself as you are, you can avoid a lot of the post-wedding anguish that I went through.

I would love to hear about any challenges you’ve worked to overcome in the comments below!

Lauren Meeks is a travel junkie and life enthusiast.  She believes that everyone has a story, and writes to share her story and help others develop theirs.  There is always an adventure to be found, no matter how mundane one’s life feels!  She blogs about how to create a meaningful life at forgingsignificance.com.  You can find her on Facebook at www.facebook.com/laurenpmeeks, or follow her on Twitter @laurenpmeeks.

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Reader Question: How Do I Find Pajamas That are Warm but Still Sexy?

How do you choose sexy pajamas–that are still warm?

Every Monday I like to post a reader question, and since it’s the middle of January and absolutely freezing in most parts of Canada and the northern United States (and in Northern Europe and Asia, too!), I thought this may be a good one to tackle.

I received this question from a reader:

Hi Sheila! I saw your Girl Talk with your funny video clip with wearing a flannel nightgown so he knows it’s “No Trespassing”. And I get it. I don’t want to turn my husband off at night. But at the same time, it’s so blasted cold here, and my husband likes turning the heat down overnight and using really warm blankets. But that means I need warm pajamas. Any suggestions on sexy warm pajamas?

I get it!

And here’s that video she’s talking about:

So let’s talk about how to choose pajamas that don’t say “No Trespassing”, but that still keep us from freezing! I’ve written quite a bit on this blog about how frumpy makes us grumpy, and how modest shouldn’t mean dowdy. But warm shouldn’t mean dowdy, either. So let’s figure out how to look great together.

This post will contain affiliate links that go to supporting the costs of this blog (which are considerable!).

Go with a 2-Piece Set

Nightgowns tend to be colder, and you have to wear them with really thick socks, which can be off-putting in its own way.

In general, then, to stay warm, stick to a 2-piece pajama set.

But how do you make it sexy?

Bright Colors Make for Sexy Pajamas

Go for bright colors, like deep red or deep purple–or even black. Stay away from pastels which are too “girly”.

 

Jockey Women’s Cotton Cardigan Pajama Set, $40.50

See it here.

Think the Right Prints for Sexy Pajamas

Shy away from anything with small cute animals (like kittens), or ice cream cones or flowers, or anything that looks like a 12-year-old girl could wear it.

Instead, go for something like a leopard print, or a plaid.

Del Rossa Cotton Flannel Pajama Set, Plaid, $32.99
See it here.
Del Rossa Leopard Print Cotton Flannel Pajamas, $32.99
See it here.
Buttons are Sexy!

…because they can be UNbuttoned. So try to stick to 2-piece ensembles that have buttons instead of just being a pullover.

Ekouaer Long Sleeve Pajama Set, $33.99
See it here.
Choose Form Fitting Pajamas to Make You Feel Sexy

Victoria Secret, for instance, has these form-fitting flannel long john pajamas. No one can say these are dowdy, but they do keep one warm!

Victoria’s Secret Thermal Long Janes Pajamas, $59.99
See it here.

Here’s another pair of thermal pajamas which are warm, but aren’t baggy:

Betsey Johnson Knit Legging Pajama Set, $32.66
See it here.
Something He Loves Can Be Sexy!

Is he really into sports? Why not buy some flannel pajamas that celebrate his team (or your team)?

Pittsburgh Penguins Flannel Pajama Pants, $29.95
See it here.
Warm Pajamas Can Still Be Satin

Satin can be surprisingly warm, and the material says “sexy”. So try mixing it up, and don’t just go for cotton or flannel or fleece.

Del Rossa Women’s Satin Pajama Set, $34.99
See it here.

Here’s another tip: buy some satin sheets! If you’ve got a really warm duvet, then satin sheets will still keep you warm enough, and they can add some heat to the bedroom.

Red Satin Sheet Set, $28.00
See it here.

Finally, here’s something I always recommend: Keep a space heater near the bed at night. If you and your hubby don’t want to pay to heat the whole house overnight, you can at least pay for a few minutes of electricity to keep your half of the bed warm! And then it’s easier to want to get OUT of those pajamas–whichever ones you’re wearing–and have some fun.

Let me know in the comments: How do you feel pretty and feminine if you’re a northern girl like me and it’s freezing at night? What do you wear?

And remember: If you’d like to see me in person, I’m taking my Girl Talk on tour in the eastern United States this winter and spring, and in the western United States next year. Just contact my assistant Tammy, and she’ll send you all the info you need to see whether it will work for your church. I’d love to meet you!

 

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When You Don’t Know God’s Plans for You

Sheila’s Marriage Moment: When God Asks You to Wait

Every Friday I like to run a 400-word inspirational piece about marriage. Here’s the New Year’s edition.

As the New Year dawns, many of us have made resolutions and printed out goal sheets. And we’re frantically asking: What are we supposed to do this year?

For some that question is routine. But for others it’s desperate. You and your husband would like to change your life radically, but you’re not sure how. And you so want to hear from God about His plans.

It seems to me, though, that there is a vast difference between vision and plans. God often gives us visions, but they usually aren’t very detailed. Think of all the visions in the Bible that need interpretation (Daniel or Revelation), or ideas that weren’t fully formed. He gives us a glimpse of what SORT of thing he wants us to do, but not necessarily the where or the how or the what (think Abram leaving Ur without knowing where the Promised Land would be).

It’s like what God says in Jeremiah 29:11:

For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord….

He knows the plans, but He doesn’t necessarily share them in detail!

Or think Paul in Acts 16–he knew he was supposed to minister to Gentiles (the vision), but the exact where and when (the plans) weren’t revealed to him until a very specific dream to come to Macedonia. God didn’t tell him until he absolutely needed to know.

God will likely give you and your husband a vision for your family, and it’s good to seek that vision out–to feel that calling on your life for kingdom impact.

But He’s very unlikely to share with you His plans immediately, because the most important thing, to God, is the refining of your character. And often that refining is best accomplished as we wait.

This year, God may be asking you and your husband to wait–To live, day by day, enjoying the moments, even if you don’t know what’s ahead. Can you withstand the temptation to bicker with each other because you’re both frustrated with where you’re at, and instead concentrate on supporting each other as you wait? Can you appreciate life, even if you can’t see progress?

The real test in any relationship is not how you tackle projects or changes, but how you tackle the mundane, when nothing is happening and you want it to be. Don’t put your life, or your love, on hold until the next big thing comes. Live in the moment, love in the moment, and stay open to what God is doing. That is the only way to wait well.

God often gives us a vision, but He rarely shares detailed plans.
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What’s #1 at To Love, Honor and Vacuum?

#1 NEW Post on the Blog: I Want to Grow Old With You!

#1 on the Blog Overall: Top 10 Ways to Initiate Sex

#1 from Facebook: How to Memorize Bible Verses Using Evernote (I really loved this post–it was the most shared last week, too!)

#1 from Pinterest: Why I Didn’t Rebel (a 19-year-old explains!)

Speaking of Waiting…

I was so affected this year by the book Waiting on God. I’ve shared about it a few times–most recently on my post about the 10 books that changed my life in 2015.

In it Wayne Stiles teaches about the concept of waiting from a Christian point of view, using the Old Testament story of Joseph. It’s really profound. Here are just a few quotations:

Waiting is a very active part of living. Waiting on God, if we do it correctly, is anything but passive. Waiting works its way out in very deliberate actions, very intentionally searching the Scriptures and praying, intense moments of humility, and self-realization of our finiteness. With the waiting comes learning. I can’t think of much I’ve learned that’s positive from the times I’ve plowed ahead without waiting on God.

Or what about this one, talking about how Joseph was in prison for a further two years after the baker and the cupbearer got out:

The Lord was with Joseph, and Joseph remained forgotten for two years. Both were equally true.

And then I’ll leave you with these two, which are hard–but so on track:

We won’t experience the joy of his power if we keep running away from the pain faithfulness demands of us…

The Bible never diminishes the reality of our struggles. Not once. Instead, the Scriptures challenge us to put things in perspective. To see with both eyes.

Have Some ACTIVE Date Nights!

My daughter just wrote a great blog post about how to have a more active date night. She and I have been talking about this concept recently–how when we call for date nights for married couples we put people in boxes and we sometimes recommend the wrong things.

Think about it this way: When you’re just dating it makes perfect sense to go out for dinner a lot. You’re just getting to know each other, and you have a lot to talk about.

Once you’re married, though, if you tend to talk a lot at home, then sitting in a restaurant over dinner can be, well, boring. And then you feel guilty for it being boring.

So why not instead treat a date night like a chance to have some fun and create memories? It isn’t all about just talking–it’s about LIVING.

So she’s got 9 ideas for active date nights that can make you laugh and have an adventure together. I love it!

(And this morning my husband and I are going on a long hike, too. He has the morning off of work, but he’s working tomorrow, so I’m taking today off and working tomorrow, too!)

Okay, This Seriously Made Me Laugh

I know the sarcasm is huge, and I hope no one is too offended by this. But I seriously laughed at this spoof on what we consider proper “Christian” culture. When the fruit is all about appearances, we have some major trouble (which is the point this video was trying to make):

Now THIS Is a Smart Read–“The Bible Isn’t a Democracy”

Just read this blog post from Marc Alan Schelske about how “biblical proof texting” is really quite unbiblical.

A few quotations:

When we quote specific verses in isolation, specifically for the purpose of proving a point, we are relating to the Bible as if is a policy manual, some list of standards and practices. We treat the Bible like it is a democracy, where every verse from cover to cover has exactly equal say and weight.  This is a complete misunderstanding of the nature and purpose of the Bible.

This is just not the case. Consider only two examples.

In the Sermon on the Mount in Matthew’s gospel, Jesus does something interesting. He says “You’ve heard it said…” and then quotes an Old Testament scripture. Then he says, “But I say unto you…” and proceeds to give a new and deeper interpretation of those passages.

Do you see what’s happening? Jesus’ words (which are in scripture) supersede the verses he was quoting (which are also in scripture). Biblical commands on adultery, divorce, making oaths, and how we see our enemy all get this treatment, among others. Jesus’ action here shows us not every verse of scripture carries the same weight.

And then later on…

People often say they just believe the Bible and do what it says. This is never true! Everyone who reads the Bible makes priority decisions about which texts to give more weight to. We make the judgement that certain verses, or certain voices within scripture, have higher authority than others.

If you grew up in a more conservative or fundamentalist church and home, that statement probably feels uncomfortable to you. It may sound like I’m advocating tossing out precious truth and the authority of the Bible. I’m not. The Bible itself tells us that certain verses supersede other verses. Certain verses become the lens through which we see others. We aren’t expected to treat a story about Israel’s military campaign against its enemies with the same weight that we treat Paul’s letters to the church. Even Paul’s writing must always be subservient to and interpreted in light of Jesus’ words and actions.

It’s a really interesting read, if you’re up for it!

That’s all I’ve got for you all today! I’m going to go have a shower and head out on our hike now. Have an awesome weekend, everyone!

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7 Ways to Teach Kids What Life Actually Costs

How do you teach kids about money–so that they understand what life actually costs?

Those of us who are blessed to be parents need to remember that we’re not raising children; we’re raising future adults. And one of the biggest ways that adults get into trouble is by messing up their finances. The more that we can teach kids to budget and teach kids to save when they’re young, the more ready they’ll be to launch well when they’re 18.

And I think one of the biggest gifts that we can give teens is to let them understand what life costs. So today I’d like to share 7 ideas for teaching kids about money.

7 Ways to Teach Kids What Life Actually Costs -- these work!
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1. Make allowances based on budgeting

Instead of paying them an arbitrary amount based on their age, set a budget where they’ll have to cover certain expenses.

When our girls were 13, we started a clothing allowance where we required them to buy their own clothes. At 14 and 15 we added shampoo, deodorant, toothpaste, etc. We figured out how much they would need in a year, and then figured out how much that would cost, and divided everything by 52. That’s how much they got a week.

When they needed things, they had to buy it themselves! It taught them how to budget before they left for school.

If you’re paying a portion of their cell phone bill, or if you’re paying for internet that they’re using, you can also “give” them this in their allowance, but then present them with a bill every month for their portion. So if your internet is $50 a month for 5 people, and cable is $60 a month for 5 people, and their cell phone is $40 a month, then they owe you $62 a month ($10 for internet, $12 for cable, and $40 for their phone), or $744 a year. That means that every week they get an extra $14.30 in their allowance, but that will end up coming back to you. It may sound like an extra step, but it’s good for them to see how much the life they enjoy costs.

2. Pay for the basic version–they have to save the rest

When setting your amount for allowances, decide that you will pay for the basic version or “on sale” version of an item. You’ll pay for cheap jeans, or for the price of shirts you can get at a consignment store or at year end sales. Then, if they want something more than that, they’ll have to earn the money themselves.

3. Use FamZoo as a family bank

I absolutely LOVE the idea behind FamZoo!

Here’s how it works. They have an online system where you can track your kids’ allowances, payments for odd jobs, money they owe you, or whatever else.

And if you want to take it one step further, you can even order prepaid Mastercards that the parent can load up. The parent has the primary card, and then you can transfer money–with no fees–to the kids’ cards. Give them their allowance, pay them for jobs, even give them a parent-assigned interest rate to encourage them to save. Here’s an easy way to transfer money to them, but then “bill” them for that cell phone or cable bill.

You can even create an account for charity, so that you can pool all your kids’ charity money into one account so there’s more to distribute every few weeks.

And this helps kids see a record of what they’ve purchased and what they’ve saved. I think it’s awesome.

If you don’t feel comfortable giving your child a card, you can also use their IOU system, where the parent can keep track of allowances and payments. This would have come in so handy for me! I remember lots of times I was out with Katie and she’d want a chocolate bar, and I’d tell her that I’d buy her one, but then she’d have to pay me back out of her allowance. And then we’d both forget. Here’s a way to make sure no one forgets!

The kids can also see their own accounts on their phones or iPods, so they always know how much they have.

One of the biggest drawbacks I found for giving my kids allowances was that I often didn’t have the right cash on hand. If you can do it through a card system or an app, then it’s automatic and things don’t get forgotten.

Check out all about FamZoo right here!

4. Play the “what does this dinner cost”? game

Every night at the dinner table try to get the kids to figure out what the meal costs–how much is the rice and the peas and the carrots and the meat?

They’ll soon see which meals are super cheap and which ones are super expensive! You can even start to give a small “prize” to the kid who guesses the closest.

5. Require tithing from the time they get an allowance.

When our girls were 3 we started them with “jars”–spend, save, and give. And we gave them their money, and then they had to divide it into the jars, so that they could physically see that 10% was going towards giving. Then every few months we’d decide where to give that money.

To us, tithing was non-negotiable. Until they were 18, they couldn’t refuse to tithe. Honestly, though, because they started so young they did it willingly. And because it became a habit, they still do it now that they’re on their own.

There really is no greater lesson you can teach your kids than how to give!

6. Have the kids make the budget one month

Have all kids who are 10 and over participate in this one together.

Give them your budget (you can download a free budget worksheet here) with your income and all of your fixed expenses (insurance, car payments, property taxes, etc.) already filled in. What you have left over is your disposable income, and that has to cover groceries, health and beauty, entertainment, gifts, eating out or savings for upcoming needs. Once they figure out how much is disposable, have them divide the remaining money up into these various categories.

Then every night at dinner talk about how you’re doing, and take a look at what’s left in the envelopes. If they want to go see a movie as a family, for instance, and there’s nothing left in entertainment, then where will we take the money from? Let them make the decisions!

7. Do the Backwards Salary Builder Exercise

Most kids have no idea how much money it costs to have the kind of lifestyle they want. And they also have no idea how much most jobs pay. So no wonder so few kids are motivated to work hard in high school!

I remember when I was 19 I got a temp job in the summer making $15 an hour. I thought I had it made. I was honestly tempted to not return to university that fall. But while I thought $30,000 a year was a ton of money, I had never had to pay for a nice apartment and a car and all my food before.

Sometime BEFORE their junior year of high school (grade 11 for my fellow Canadians!), when marks and electives start to really count, set aside a week when you’ll assign them budgeting homework. Here’s what you’ll do:

Ask them to go through the real estate pages and find the kind of house they’d like.
Look that listing up online, and find the asking price, the property taxes, and the utility bills (these are usually included in the comprehensive house listing).
Use your bank’s online mortgage calculator (just google it; it should pop right up) to figure out the monthly payment. For instance, a $200,000 mortgage at today’s interest rates amortized over 25 years has a monthly payment of $1,139.
Now calculate the total housing costs. Add up the monthly mortgage payment, the property taxes, utilities, and throw in some insurance. For instance, if property taxes are around $300 a month, insurance is $100 and utilities are $250, then your total housing costs are $1,789 a month.
Figure out the annual salary needed to support that house. When banks give out mortgages, they decide that housing costs shouldn’t exceed 30% of your income. So housing costs of $1,789 mean that you would need a family income of around $6,000 a month, or $72,000 a year.

Now you have something to work with!

Is it worth it to pay to go to school for a 3 year college diploma to be a social worker if the highest salary they make is $38,000? Is dropping science a good idea if jobs as electricians pay so well, and it’s a career I’d enjoy? Help them to see the future!

What if they feel called to go into a job that doesn’t pay very much–say a youth pastor, or a music leader, or that social worker? That’s fine. You never argue against God’s calling! But it’s still good to know up front what your lifestyle will be like, so that they get used to the idea that they may not have everything that their peers will.

This exercise isn’t meant to say, “you want a great lifestyle, so you’d better make a big salary!” Instead, it’s meant to say, “let’s get an idea of what an average lifestyle costs, so that you understand money.” It’s absolutely fine to aim lower–and in many cases God calls us to that. And we all can make smart money decisions that let us live on less. But many kids don’t even understand how much life costs, and we need to remedy that.

Teach your kids about money and budgeting with these 7 kid-friendly ideas:
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Kids won’t learn about money unless we give them real life experience with money–and talk about money a lot. It’s one of the best lessons you’ll teach your kids!

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Wifey Wednesday: I Want to Grow Old with You

With each new passing of the calendar we’re reminded that we’re all getting older.

Our culture may prize youth and try to avoid aging, but I think that’s misguided. There’s great beauty in a love story that lasts decades. Growing old together is a wonderful goal.

This week we’ve been talking about new habits we can get into in our marriage that can help us to grow closer. And I thought today I’d try to give us some inspiration to do just that!

I read this story a while back (it’s been taken down now so I can’t link it):

This week, in the Boston Globe, I read the story of an elderly couple named Sol and Rita Rogers. They’ve been married 61 years. They’ve raised a family and lived a long and happy life together. A few years ago, that began to change. Rita developed Alzheimer’s. And she is slipping deeper and deeper into dementia.

Several weeks ago, she was taken to a health care center, where she now has to live. The first few days, she screamed and talked incoherently. She could barely form words with her mouth. Most tragically, she could no longer recognize her husband. She had no idea who he was. This was agony for him. He would go home from visiting her, trembling with grief, overwhelmed by sadness.

One morning, he went into her room, and saw her lying there and had an idea – an idea, he said, that could only have come from God. Sol climbed into his wife’s tiny twin bed, and put his arms around her. And he just held her. He hugged her. He whispered to her. That’s all. But something happened. As he put it, “I got into bed with her and loved her and it lifted my depression.” And Rita was transformed, too.

She responded to his touch. And she began to talk. He now does it every day.

Rita’s doctor says that her “old memory” recalls being in his arms, remembers how he used to hold her, and part of her is able to come back. Now Sol spends a couple of hours of every day, just holding Rita, telling her he loves her, and she tells him she loves him. Just as they have for 61 years.

Isn’t that beautiful? I really pray that I have decades ahead with my husband. I just love him to pieces, and I’d be lost without him.

The best love story isn’t Romeo and Juliet dying together; it’s Grandma and Grandpa growing old together.
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But as much as we glorify this kind of romantic love, let’s remember that it’s not a fluke.

Isn’t that profound? How many couples expect to coast in their marriage on those amazing feelings they have when they walk down the aisle, only to find that they disappear? I think that if we could just make an effort to love, with action, even when the feelings aren’t there, we might find that the feelings follow. And pretty soon the person becomes indispensable, such an intricate part of our lives we can’t imagine it without them.

Here’s another quotation I love, this time from Anne Tyler, from her book A Patchwork Planet:

I knew couples who’d been married almost forever — forty, fifty, sixty years. Seventy-two, in one case. They’d be tending each other’s illnesses, filling in each other’s faulty memories, dealing with the money troubles or the daughter’s suicide, or the grandson’s drug addiction. And I was beginning to suspect that it made no difference whether they’d married the right person. Finally, you’re just with who you’re with. You’ve signed on with her, put in a half century with her, grown to know her as well as you know yourself or even better, and she’s become the right person. Or the only person, might be more to the point. I wish someone had told me that earlier. I’d have hung on then; I swear I would.

There is something so beautiful about hanging on, about growing old together, about appreciating each other for decades.

I laugh at this charming video, but I tear up, too:

I tear up because I want to be like that. I want to still be flirting with my husband and laughing with him and having fun–even if I’m doing it in the atrium of a hospital, like this couple did.

So here’s a thought: You know how when people want to save money they put a picture of the house they want to buy or the vacation they want to take in their wallet, to discourage spending? Or when they want to lose weight they put a picture of themselves at their target weight, or that number, on the fridge, to discourage snacking?

Why not give yourself a goal–a picture of yourself after fifty or sixty years of marriage, if you are both blessed with that long a life. And work towards that goal of growing old together, still totally in love! Aim for it. Love him and build him up so that you’ll have it. When you’re tempted to hold a grudge or blow up at him, ask yourself, “what am I doing to the man that I want to hold on to when I’m 80?”

(I’m not saying ignore big problems; obviously one-size-fits-all marriage advice doesn’t exist, and if you’re in an abusive marriage, I’m not talking to you here).

I don’t know where you are in your marriage today, but I pray these little snippets give you hope. Stick it out for the long run; you’ll be amazed what will happen.

Do you have marriage advice you’d like to give? Thoughts on how to live that daily life with your hubby? Why not share it? Just copy the picture above by right-clicking it and saving it to your computer, and then go to your blog and write a post. Then come back here and enter the URL below. We’d love to read what you have to say!

Marriage isn't supposed to be blah!


Sex is supposed to be stupendous--physically, emotionally, AND spiritually.

If it's not, get The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex--and find out what you've been missing.

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Top 10 Things To Do for Your Husband in Just 10 Minutes

You’ve got 10 minutes on your hands. You want to use it well. What about coming up with some things to do for your husband–that will ultimately boost your marriage?

It’s New Year’s week here on the blog, where I’m coming up with new habits or new routines you can get into to grow  your marriage. And today I thought I’d give you a smorgasbord of ideas of things you can do for your husband in just 10 minutes–so that you’re thinking of him throughout the day! Here goes.

Practical Things to Do for Your Husband in Just 10 Minutes
1. Buy birthday cards for his parents/siblings all at once

Most guys hate buying cards and gifts–and they’re always afraid that they’ll forget something important. So next time you’re already out at the drug store or gift store, buy all the birthday cards he needs this year for his parents, his siblings, or whomever he should send one to. Then bring them home, have him sign them, and you can address them and put them away so they’re ready to be mailed!

Want to store them well? Check out my 43 folder system for paper clutter. That way you’ll be able to find the card when it’s time to mail it!

2. Ask him his biggest challenge–and then research ideas to help him tackle it

What does he chronically find irritating? Figuring out when to pay bills? Figuring out your family’s calendar so he doesn’t miss appointments? Picking out his clothes in the morning? Ask him when he is the most irritated during the day.

Then, when you have 10 minutes, get on Google and research organizing techniques for that particular area of his life. There may be an app for that, after all!

This can be an ongoing project–once you have several solutions, bounce them off of him to see which he likes best, and then set it up for him. Maybe you’ll set up a shared Google calendar for all of your family’s commitments. Or maybe you’ll find a Task app that can remind you when a bill is due, or you can start online banking which can schedule bills.

Take 10 minutes today to do something for your husband! Here are 10 ideas to get you started:
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Thoughtful Things to Do For Your Husband
3. Ask him his favorite meals and menu plan

Ask him what his absolute favourite meals are. This week, while you’re making your menu plan, make sure that you include them. And make sure you have groceries on hand so he can bring his favourite lunch to work, too!

4. Write notes to put in his lunch this week.

Use these prompts:

I just wanted you to know that I noticed that you….(fill in something nice or important that he did for you, your kids, a friend, whomever. Show him that you see the good things he does!)
Honey, I appreciate so much that you….(write something he does on an ongoing basis)
One thing that I love most about you is….
I wanted you to know that today I’m praying that you….

5. Do an impulse buy of something he’d like

–and then wrap it so it looks great!

If he likes gifts, then when you’re out grocery shopping pick him up his favourite chocolate bar or some beef jerky or some other treat. Or when you’re out at the mall and you see a funny mug that reminds you of him, or something inexpensive that he’d like for one of his hobbies, pick it up.

Then wrap it elaborately with lots of lipstick kisses! It doesn’t need to cost a lot (and it shouldn’t), but it can make him smile.

If you want ideas for inexpensive gifts, I have tons in my Stocking Stuffers for Your Husband post. I know it’s not Christmas, but they’re small gifts that would work throughout the year!

6. Plan a date night that he’d enjoy, and then email him an invite

If you have 10 minutes, research some date night ideas online. I’ve got some ideas for date nights when you have kids, but there are tons on the web. Maybe you’ll watch a movie that he would like, or go take in a hockey game. Take 10 minutes to plan all the details, and then email him an invite.

If you want to make it special, include a hint of what’s coming at the end of the date night….

All of which brings us to:

Sexy Things to Do For Your Husband in Just 10 Minutes
7. Get prettied up

Before he gets home from work (or before you leave work to go home), take a few minutes and just make yourself really pretty. Often we take time on our hair and makeup when we’re going out and we’ll see strangers, but we don’t do anything when it’s just our husbands. Let’s reverse that equation, since he’s the one who’s supposed to enjoy looking at us anyway!

Do a five-minute makeover, run a brush or a flatiron through your hair, or get rid of the T-shirt and put on a pretty top. If you’re leaving work to come home, you can always do a quick makeover in the bathroom first.

8. Meet him at the door when he comes home from work–or go to him directly after you do!

Here’s an important one–make sure that when you’re together again at the end of the day, whether it’s you arriving home or him, that you immediately give your attention to him. If he’s walking through the door, stop what you’re doing to go give him a hug. And don’t stop there–make it a nice long kiss, too!

If you’re the one walking through the door, seek him out before the kids or the dog. Make sure he knows he’s the one you’re excited to see!

10 Minutes. 10 Ideas. One Happy Husband!
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9. Give him a backrub

A backrub feels amazing. It relaxes you, and having someone touch you releases endorphins. So tonight, have him take off his shirt, get some massage oil or even just some skin cream, and rub his back and shoulders. If the kids are in bed, do it naked!

10. Have a Quickie!

Finally, if you’ve got 10 minutes, you can play beat the clock! (Come on, you knew I’d say this, didn’t you?)

Ten minutes is more than enough time for a quickie! Settle the kids in front of a video or put the toddler in the playpen and head upstairs. Help him get aroused (if he needs help), pull out some lubrication, and go for it! This is about HIM reaching climax, not you, so he can go as fast as he wants. (And the bonus is that if he does this now, then chances are later on tonight he’ll be able to really take his time for you!)

The more enthusiastic you are, the easier it will be for him to “beat the clock”.

And if you’d rather do it another way than intercourse…he’d likely enjoy that, too.

Top 10 Things You Can Do for Your husband in just 10 Minutes--Great Ideas!
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So there you go–it only takes ten minutes in your day to turn your attention to your husband and do something that will make him feel amazing. I hope this list is only a starting point to help you brainstorm things you can do for your husband–for your particular husband with his own likes and hobbies.

Some guys, for instance, may appreciate you organizing their sock drawer or cleaning up their work area, but some guys would rather you didn’t touch it. You know your husband. But think of how our marriages can change if we use just 10 minutes a day to make his day better.

Do you have any ideas of things to do for your husband in just a short amount of time? Leave them in the comments for us!

Marriage isn't supposed to be blah!


Sex is supposed to be stupendous--physically, emotionally, AND spiritually.

If it's not, get The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex--and find out what you've been missing.

 

 

 

 

 

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