Sheila Wray Gregoire's Blog, page 181

On Personality, Pictures, and Primping

It’s time for our Friday Round-Up, when I share what’s been big on the blog this week, what’s going on in my life, and what I’ve been thinking–beyond just the blog posts.

I’ve been having nightmares about weddings all week (my daughter gets married in 22 days!). They mostly revolve around forgetting to do things. Last night’s was different. It was 2:15 (the wedding is at 2), Rebecca wasn’t in her dress yet, and I could not get her to change. “Weddings always start late,” she said.

Somehow I don’t think that will be a problem on the day. So now I have to turn my brain off at night!

Speaking of nightmares, my youngest is driving to Ottawa for the first time ALONE today. It’s a three hour drive. I’m sure she’ll be fine. But she’s still my baby…

What’s #1 at To Love, Honor and Vacuum

Here’s what’s been big this week on the blog and with social media:

#1 on the Blog: On Respecting Yourself–and Your Husband

#1 on Pinterest: The Four Things You Need in a Husband

#1 on Twitter: The Top 10 Things I’d Say About Sex If I Had No Filter

#1 on Facebook: On Respecting Yourself–and Your Husband (fight the frump!)

 

When Your Husband is SO Different

I have to admit my favourite post this week was Thursday’s on personality differences. I just love all the personality research–introvert/extrovert, thinker/feeler, etc. My mom did that for a living and my oldest daughter likes to figure out what type everyone is within 10 minutes of meeting them. So we live and breathe this stuff!

But even though it was shared a lot on social media, there weren’t a lot of comments. And that’s what I wanted to talk about! Sigh. So if you have any thoughts, I’d love to keep talking about it!

Taking Great Pictures!

I shared with you on Monday about the Ultimate Digital Photography Bundle that was on sale right now (but only until Monday at midnight EST!). I’m a beginner photographer who wants to get a lot better–I need to learn how to take good pics when I speak (or at least teach my assistant to take good pics of me), and that’s hard because the lighting isn’t always ideal. I want to learn to take more candid shots. And I want to learn more about composition and taking landscapes.

I also told you about the awesome (and really detailed) book, with projects, to teach you about taking pics with your iPhone.

But after looking through the bundle, what I’m most excited about–and what my husband is most excited about–is actually the intermediate version of the Bundle.

The Beginner version covers how to get used to your camera, how to use lighting, how to use shadow, how to use exposure, and all of those things that I’m still learning. But in the Intermediate version there are a pile of books that take you through, in detail, how to use Lightroom, the new photo editing software that’s just as good as Photoshop–but much cheaper. Plus it lets you organize your photos so that you can find them later!

The books take you through everything you need to know about editing and developing, from black and white photography to correcting images and more.

The best thing is that the books assume you know NOTHING about Lightroom–never even heard of it. Not that that’s me or anything. Not that when I first saw the books I thought they were talking about installing a physical lightroom in your home where you develop pics. Not that I’m that ignorant or anything.

But the explanations are so good that even people who ARE that ignorant can figure it out. And get seriously excited (I now know how I’m going to organize my photos! It’s so cool!).

This is EXACTLY the resource my husband was looking for with all of his bird pictures. Sometimes they’re great photos–but the light just isn’t quite right. This can help him organize all those photos and edit them. He’s really excited to get started.

And, of course, there are also awesome books about upping your photography skills. I went to sleep last night daydreaming about this Seascapes book. I’m going to a bunch of beaches in August, and I totally want to use some of these techniques!

And that’s not all you get with the intermediate version. There are also hundreds of dollars of bonus products, including a free Craftsy photography class of your choice, worth up to $60 (I’m aiming towards either Family Photography: Capturing Candid Moments or Travel Photography). And there’s the Snapheal Pro App for photo editing, too!

Here’s how it works: There are three tiers for the photography bundle. Beginner (for me!); Intermediate (for my husband!); and Professional (for my nephew!), for those who are actually making a living at this. In the professional version there are also business forms and templates for invoices, etc. And lots more technique stuff, too!

When you buy the Intermediate tier, you get everything in the beginner tier, too. And when you buy the business tier, you get everything in the other two tiers as well.

Here’s a pic of all that’s in the Intermediate tier:

It’s a great deal, and seriously–so much fun to work through! It will likely take me until next summer at least to do it justice, but I’m so excited to get my photography skills up to par. We actually do have a nice camera, I just never use it (my hubby and daughter do). And I do want to learn.

The sale is on until Monday at midnight. The beginner tier is $37; the Intermediate is $67; and the Professional is $97. For our family, the Intermediate is likely the best match:

My daughter is really excited about this version to up her Instagram skills! And remember: If you purchase the Business version, it’s okay to give away some of the resources you won’t use, as long as you erase them from your computer and don’t keep a copy. So you can divide up a bundle with people in your family, too!

Click here to learn more about the Beginner Version, Intermediate Version, or Professional Version

or

Have a great weekend, everybody! I’m going to try to work on my nightmares, and I’m going to read through some more photography books!

The post On Personality, Pictures, and Primping appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

Just Your Type: Personality Differences and Marriage

Do opposites really attract?

Sometimes the things that we initially loved most about our spouse end up being the things that drive us the most crazy!

This year I’ve challenged all of you to read one book a month on marriage–that’s twelve books a year. In 30 days you can get through a book–if you leave that book in your bathroom, carry it around in your purse, leave it by your bedside table.

And I believe that this month’s book has the most capacity to completely change the way you see your spouse–and it’s a ton of fun, too!

This month we’re looking at supporting him as a guy, since Father’s Day has just passed. And I suggested a number of books that you can read on gender differences. But the book I want to review today goes much further than gender differences. It looks at the 16 personality types that are part of the Myers Briggs Type Indicator (or MBTI), and sees how those differences impact marriage.

Just Your Type helps you understand yourself, your spouse, and the conflicts you’re likely to have–and how to overcome them.

But first, let’s do a run-down on what those potential differences are.

The MBTI classifies people based on four scales:

Extrovert/Introvert: Do you get your energy from being with people, or from being alone? When you need to think something through, do you call a friend, or go for a walk yourself? Contrary to popular belief, extrovert doesn’t mean “life of the party”. Many introverts are great at parties. But it’s where you get your energy from.

Sensing/Intuiting: Do you like detail, or are you a big picture person? Do you like taking things apart and figuring them out, or dreaming up new ways of doing things? Do you like following a pattern or creating your own?

Thinking/Feeling: Do you make decisions based on logic, or based on emotion? Are you most likely to concentrate on what’s “right”, or to focus on relationships?

Judging/Perceiving: Do you like being organized, with lists and plans, or would you rather be spontaneous and go with the flow?

None of these is “right” and none is “wrong”.

They’re just different preferences. But interesting things happen when differences get together–and often quite detrimental things to a marriage.

When couples have differences, here’s what happens:

Most couples engage in this undermining campaign in very subtle and indirect ways; they rarely address the problem honestly and openly. They just stop talking — really talking. So the overwhelming reason relationships fail is poor communication

In fact, these differences tend to be the root of communication problems that drive us apart. And sometimes those couples divorce. But as the authors ask, “What if they had not only understood their differences but also viewed them positively and as a source of richness?” And in Just Your Type, that’s what the authors try to do.

The book is done in three parts: First, Just Your Type looks at the four scales and sees how people who are different on each of those scales will fare. Then it divides the 16 types up into four basic approaches to the world–which is really quite interesting. It’s based on a combination of things, so even though my husband and I are actually quite close on the MBTI scale (I’m an ENTJ, or extrovert, intuitive, thinking, judging, and he’s an ESTJ, or extrovert, sensing, thinking, judging), we actually have very different approaches to the world. I’m an Innovator and he’s a Traditionalist.

Then, in the third part, the book shows how each possible combination will fare in marriage, and where your strengths and weaknesses will be. It is isn’t mean to say “these two types should never marry” or “these two types are doomed”, but rather “here’s how these two types can maximize their strengths and work together the best”.

I’m only going to talk about the first part of the book today, looking at the four scales, and using quotes from the book. I found it just fascinating, and I know that you will, too!

So let’s jump in.

MBTI and Marriage: When extraverts marry introverts

An equal number of men and women are extraverted/introverted. So this isn’t a gender issue, though we often think women are extraverts and men are introverts. But this difference can definitely cause problems!

Here’s one example: how we solve problems.

Renee and James found themselves at a familiar impasse — once again. A simple misunderstanding during dinner had somehow mushroomed into a full-blown fight. Renee, the Extravert, wanted to deal with it now, hoping they could resolve the conflict before it escalated any further. But James, the Introvert, was nowhere near ready to discuss it. Although he really didn’t understand what had happened to cause the rift, he knew he needed time by himself to think about it.

Extraverts will want to talk it out right then; introverts need time to process. So extravert spouses: give your spouse time to think!

When you ask an Extravert a question, he or she will usually start talking. This is because Extraverts think out loud. But with Introverts, the opposite is more often true. When you ask an Introvert a question, he or she will usually pause before answering…Not only do Extraverts speak first and think second, but they also tend to act before they think. As a result, they are usually quick to become engaged in new and interesting situations, they like being out in front, and they are comfortable in the spotlight.

Not surprisingly, then, this leads to differences in how we choose to spend free time. Extraverts want to be involved in things with lots of people; introverts will want to be alone more or with small groups of people. Parties will exhaust them, and may require days to recover from. Extraverts will thrive at parties.

Understandably, Introverts choose to have fewer people in their lives, and they are more often close friends or confidants. Most Extraverts, however , “collect” people and often have a stable of friends and acquaintances with whom they enjoy spending time.

If you’re an extravert married to an introvert, become involved in some same sex groups where you can get together with friends without requiring your spouse to come along!

MBTI and Marriage: When Sensors Marry Intuitives

Sensors like to deal with the here and now. Intuitives like to see the possibilities. Sensors are highly practical. Intuitives are highly creative. Can you see the potential for problems? A sensor may want to do all the finances on Quicken and have a 10 year plan. An intuitive may always be dreaming up the next entrpeneurial idea!

Sensors take in information through their five senses, paying close attention to what something looks, sounds, feels, tastes, or smells like. That’s why they’re usually such realistic and practical people . In contrast, Intuitives look at the world quite differently. Rather than focus on what is, they see what could be, questioning the reasons why it is as it is and how it’s related to other things. Rather than trust and rely on their five senses, it’s as if they use their sixth sense to understand and make sense of things.

Intuitives are often attracted to sensors because they ground them. To sensors, an intuitive seems exciting! But as you try to live out life, this can grate on people.

This is the one difference that Keith and I have–we’re alike on all the others. And it is a BIG difference. I don’t mind ambiguities; Keith likes everything set in stone before we make a decision. I’m always trying to change things; Keith says, “if it’s working, why break it?” That may make me seem irresponsible and him seem boring (if you’re taking it to an extreme).

What we’ve found that works is just talking it out, and making lists about what are our values and where we want to move towards. That helps clarify things. And if I want to go off on a tangent, that’s fine–as long as I don’t expect him to come with me! If I want to cause a battle over something in church, for instance, I can’t expect him to charge in with me.

MBTI and Marriage: When Thinkers Marry Feelers

Here’s a dimension which is usually thought of in terms of gender differences–but is actually a personality difference. The authors explain:

Although the American population is about evenly divided between Thinkers and Feelers, it appears that about 65 percent of Thinkers are men and about 65 percent of Feelers are women, so natural differences between Thinkers and Feelers are exacerbated by the fact that they are often different genders.

Many gender differences books are written with men seen as Thinkers and Women are Feelers. If that’s your marriage, you likely love most of those books! But if it’s not, you may find those books don’t seem to apply to you, and wonder what’s wrong with you. The authors say, “Male Feelers and female Thinkers often feel that they are out of sync with the world — that they are somehow different from the way they should be.” It’s likely because it’s not a gender difference thing–it’s a personality thing.

As a woman who is a thinker, I found this insight interesting:

But interestingly, Thinking women may receive an unintended benefit. Many Thinking girls grow up to have much more access to their Feeling sides, which means greater balance and greater competence.

On the other hand, Feeling men often feel like they really don’t fit, because they go against the stereotype. And if you’re a thinking woman married to a feeling man, you may start to see your husband as weak. Don’t. See him as someone who can live out the love of Jesus and who cares about people’s hearts. That can be a great strength, especially in a man!

Here’s where problems come in resolving conflict:

Because Feelers are so sensitive to others, they will often go out of their way to avoid hurting people’s feelings. This means they are usually very tactful and diplomatic, but it also means they can be less than 100 percent honest. They know what other people want to hear, so they may tell little white lies or be insincere in their compliments. Thinkers, however, place a high value on honesty and directness. As a result, they are more likely to offend someone unintentionally. What they see as being frank and forthright, others may perceive as being blunt and insensitive.

The main thing to remember about this difference is this:

When Feelers are confused or upset, they want their partners to listen supportively and compassionately. Thinkers tend to want constructive advice about how to fix the problem.

So in a conflict, step outside your comfort zone and give your spouse what they most need!

MBTI and Marriage: When Judgers Marry Perceivers

We talk a lot about extraverts vs. introverts and thinkers vs. feelers, but what most people don’t realize is that the difference that is the most prone to derail marriage is actually this one–judgers vs. perceivers.

I’m going to let the authors explain this:

As you are about to see, Judging and Perceiving have much to do with the way we like to run our everyday lives. As a result, many couples experience their greatest frustrations when they’re different in this type dimension.

One of the key aspects of Judging and Perceiving has to do with the issue of closure. Judgers like things to be settled and often feel a certain tension before a decision has been made. Since making decisions relieves the tension, they typically take in only as much information as is necessary to make a decision and then move on. By contrast, Perceivers feel tension when they are forced to make a decision. To alleviate that tension, they avoid making decisions and try to leave their options open as long as possible . As a result, they are often (but not always) prone to procrastinating. As you are about to see, Judging and Perceiving have much to do with the way we like to run our everyday lives. As a result, many couples experience their greatest frustrations when they’re different in this type dimension.

I think one of the great challenge, too, is that we often assign morality to one or the other. Judgers tend to think perceivers are irresponsible or lazy. Perceivers think judgers are “anal”, to put it bluntly. And so we start to think of ourselves as superior, when it’s really just a different approach to life.

Judgers are planners, and they like to be prepared. Because they expect a set plan to be followed, they often have a hard time shifting gears when the plan unexpectedly changes. By contrast, Perceivers often are hesitant to commit themselves for fear that if they do, they may miss some great opportunity that will come along later. Besides, Perceivers like to act spontaneously and usually adjust well to surprises.

How does this work in everyday life?

It’s very hard for most Judgers to enjoy themselves when there are still chores to be done or projects to be finished. By contrast, most Perceivers feel that there’s always more time, so why not relax or take advantage of some unexpected opportunity.

Can any of you see yourselves in that? One of you wants to get the chores done before you relax on a Saturday. The other wants to have fun!

How Should You Handle These Differences?

Understanding your differences helps so much in marriage! You know why you often have conflict in certain areas. You can better understand how your spouse approaches life. You know what your individual potential pitfalls are.

I found this book really fun to read because I saw so much of myself and my husband in it! And if you’ve been having the same conflicts over and over, and you feel like your husband doesn’t “get” you or doesn’t show you love, maybe it’s just that you approach life differently. Just Your Type is an easy book to read together, because you only have to read the parts that apply to your particular types. And most people find themselves laughing a lot at it!

So pick it up–and start to understand yourselves, and your conflicts, better!

Let me know in the comments–what difference most affects your marriage? Do you see yourself in any of this?

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Wifey Wednesday: When You Love Superman–But Clark Kent Drives You Nuts

Has your husband lost his superhero status?
It’s Wednesday, the day that we always talk marriage. I introduce a topic, and then you can link up your own marriage posts in the linky below! Today Tiffany Godfrey, author of The Top 12 Mistakes Married Women Make–and How to Avoid Them,  joins us talking about how our expectations in marriage can get in the way!

Would you agree that God has a heart for marriage?

I would say yes.

But if God loves marriage so much, then why are so many marriages failing?

I can understand the celebrity who doesn’t profess Christ as her Savior or the Muslim woman who denies the deity of Christ.

But what about those of us who have been blood washed and profess to have a true relationship with Christ?

If anyone should have a great marriage, it should be Christians, right?

And I think one of the ways we can discover how to experience an excellent marriage is to consider first how we view our husbands.

The question is, when you look at and think about your husband, do you see him as Superman or Clark Kent?

Because how you view your husband will determine how much love, honor, and respect you give him on a consistent basis.

I Finally Found My Superman!

I want you to think back on the first time you met your husband and then your days of courtship.

Wasn’t he one of the most gorgeous, romantic, and powerful men you knew? He could do no wrong and he was kind, considerate, and loving. Even when your friends and family kept telling you to look beyond his “strong muscles and flawless exterior,” you couldn’t.

You know why? Because you couldn’t clearly see. Your spiritual discernment was not as clear. For this reason, you were only able to see this man’s “Superman” side. And even when he did show a little bit of his Clark Kent side, you excused it believing that it would go away once you were married.

Caught Up!

When you’re in love it’s so easy to overlook people’s flaws.

I know I did.

My husband could do no wrong. He loved God, he had a leadership position in the church. And for our first year of dating, it was the perfect relationship. In fact, after a year, I knew this would be the man I would marry. I would have married him after our first year of dating, but he wanted to wait. “For what?” I would often ask.

“You love me and I love you. We love God. He’s got our backs…”

Yes, God did have our backs, but what I didn’t realize as a young lady in my early twenties was that marriage would require so much more than love and an occasional date night.

Exposed!

After about 3 ½ years of dating, my husband, Dexter and I finally tied the knot. It was great for a while, but I quickly realized that I was no longer a single woman able to make my own decisions about everything.

Have you ever been there?

In shock after being married because you realize things have changed forever?

In addition, you begin to see your husband beyond the Superman muscles and the cape. In fact, he’s taken off his muscle suit and his cape, and the only thing you have left is Clark Kent.

You begin to think, “This is not the man I married! I want my Superman back!”

What Does a Typical Clark Kent Look Like?

Clark Kent is not impressive.

He’s not a horrible guy, but maybe he’s a little messy and he snores in his sleep.

Clark Kent says some things that hurt your feelings, and sometimes he doesn’t even apologize for it because he’s so busy watching TV or texting that he doesn’t even realize you’re hurt!

Clark Kent is not a good money manager and to make things worse, he has a dark side where he dabbles in porn from time to time.

Once you begin to see the reality of your Clark Kent you begin to wonder, “How can I battle against these vices and his flaws?”

And you ask yourself and God if your marriage is worth fighting for anymore.

You begin to wonder if you ever really loved this man. Then your respect for your husband dwindles. And in the midst of your hurt, pain, frustration, and broken promises you cry out to God asking Him to change this man…

I’d Like to Exchange This Husband for Another One, Please!

In your disillusionment with your husband, of course you pray because that’s what Christian women should do for their husbands, right?

But you also start fantasizing about other men. Your co-worker, the deacon at church, or even your friend’s husband begin to look more appealing than your husband.

After all, he’s only Clark Kent and these men are Supermen.

So you think.

This is similar to what happened to me.

We had just had our first son. Money was tight, we were in jeopardy of losing our home, and this caused a snowstorm of arguments.

One morning, after an argument, I left for work. Not long after I arrived, my boss complimented me on my hair.

Fireworks shot off in my mind!

Because I felt so drained and empty from my marriage, that small compliment gave me a sense of validation. And from that point on, it caused me to have a crush on my boss.

I found myself connecting with this man through conversation at work. It was light, but it had the potential to go farther.

Eventually I had to share how I felt about this man with Dexter. It bothered me to have these types of feelings for any man other than my husband. But, I truly believe my confession to my husband prevented me from taking this relationship with my boss to another level. Although I never slept with my boss, my mind and heart wandered and this was just as wrong.

From this experience, I discovered the dangers of mental and emotional adultery.

To me, my boss had become my Superman and he seemed to be more sensational than the Clark Kent husband I had at home.

But it was a mirage, an illusion, and a deception from the enemy of my soul.

In fact, one of my friends once told me, “All men have issues. It just depends on what types of issues you want to deal with…”

I wholeheartedly agree with this statement.

We look at the men at church, at work, and even on TV hoping that these men will rescue us and give us a sense of worth.

But in reality, all men are struggling with something, just as we are. 

Love, Honor, and Respect Your Husband in His Greatness…And in His Humanity

How can you learn to both love and appreciate the Superman and the Clark Kent side of your husband? Here are some tips:

Recognize how God loves you and showers you with grace and blessings
Look at yourself and identify where you can grow in the marriage relationship
Pray that God will help both you and your husband to grow
Don’t try to change your husband
Appreciate the good characteristics of your husband and praise him for those things

As Christian women, we have a responsibility to do our part to make the marriage work. In other words, we can’t wait for our husbands to grab us, hug us, and say, “I love you!” before we start treating them with honor and respect.

Here’s why: In Ephesians 5:22 we’re called to submit to our husbands. That’s it. This means that we must show respect and honor on a consistent basis — whether he’s being Superman or Clark Kent.

If you want a solid marriage, it’s important to love, honor, and respect your husband when you see him on his good days. And you should also love him and treat him with respect on his bad days because nobody is perfect.

Tiffany Godfrey is a blogger, author, speaker, wife, and mom. She loves encouraging married women and offering practical tips on how they can do their part to grow in their marriage relationship. She also volunteers with her husband as a Family Life Weekend to Remember Co-Director.

For more tips on promoting a happy, healthy marriage, you can order Tiffany’s book on Amazon, The Top 12 Mistakes Married Women Make…And How to Avoid Them!

You can connect with Tiffany at: CommittedWife.com, a site that specifically speaks to Christian women and offers them marriage tips, interviews, and marriage quotes, based on God’s word. You can also follow her on: Pinterest, Facebook, and Twitter.

Now it’s your turn! Do you have a marriage post you’d like to share? Enter the URL of the post in the linky below! And be sure to link back here so that other people can read these awesome marriage posts!

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On Respecting Yourself–and Your Husband

Do too many of us women “let ourselves go” once we’re married?

Last night we held a bridal shower for close family and close family friends at my house for my oldest daughter, and we got talking afterwards.

And today I’m in a chatty mood, so I thought I’d share some of our thoughts, some of our conversations, and a few pictures.

But first, I want to update you on my photo challenge. I told  you yesterday about the Ultimate Digital Photography Bundle that’s on sale until June 29 at midnight EST, and it can help you capture those amazing images of your kids and your vacations and your family that you want to document. So fun!

One of the things I’m trying to do is to learn to edit my photos better, so I totally love the iPhone Only Photography book that’s part of the bundle.

I showed you a landscape pic I took over the weekend:

And yesterday I read about how to edit photos, and I tried just a few things for about three minutes. I love the colour of the sky and the water now; I don’t like the sun and the trees. But it’s so much fun just playing around with this stuff and figuring out what all the filters do.

And they teach you how to edit part of the photo without editing the whole photo–so you can change the colour on just a part of it if you’re happy with the rest. I’m going to take another stab at the sun on this photo to see if I can make it less yellow–while keeping the bright blue in the sky and the water.

Tonight I want to read through one of the books on how to capture more memories, and I hope to share with you something tomorrow!

If you’ve ever wanted to learn more about photography, or wanted to figure out what in the world all those settings and buttons are on your camera, don’t miss the Bundle. It’s such a great deal–and the ecourses alone are assume. They’re easy to work through and you really will see immediate results.

Already pretty good at photography? Here’s your chance to learn more with the Intermediate version or even the Professional version. It’s a ton of resources for one low price–and it’s an awfully fun summer project!

Last night, at the shower, we played a game I made up called “match these romantic quotes to movies”. It was actually pretty fun–I might write a post on things to do at wedding showers after all this is over and provide a download. Becca’s had about 4 showers, so we’ve had lots of samples of different games I could share with you!

But at the end of the end of the evening we got talking with Donna, a friend of mine but also an especially close friend of the girls since she was their youth leader for years.

(Seriously–can you see why I need the photography bundle? Why are my photos always blurry?!?!)

Donna’s a newlywed herself. During the shower I was passing around a notebook so that everyone could write in marriage advice (Katie’s to her sister: “Don’t get pregnant on your honeymoon!“). And as we discussed all of it after most people had left, we got talking about how far too many women let themselves go.

Now I am not trying to shame anyone this morning.

I know that many of us deal with weight issues. I know that many of us are exhausted with little kids, and really–everyone should get a pass while the kids are under 18 months old. Seriously. It’s tough.

But at some point you’ve got to let yourself be a woman again.

Rebecca said last night, “Of course your husband is supposed to love you no matter what and always find you beautiful no matter what. But do you really want to test the ‘no matter what’?” She’s got a point. I mean, how would we feel if he tested it for us?

When we say those vows, we’re not just vowing to stay committed our whole lives. We’re vowing to create an assume, dynamic marriage our whole lives–inasmuch as it depends on us.

And I think that means making some effort to show that you still take pride in yourself and in your husband.

You still think of yourself as a woman first. You still respect yourself.

And always wearing yoga pants or sweat pants and shapeless t-shirts and shapeless ponytails or stringy hair just doesn’t do that.

It really doesn’t.

I wrote a blog series a few years ago called “Fight the Frump”, and on day 1 I showed how I can make myself look perfectly presentable–nice clothes, jewelry, basic makeup, fluffed up hair–in under 4 minutes. It doesn’t take a lot of time.

Behold the before and after pics:

That’s it–just four minutes.

Read the whole series on fighting the frump. There are also posts on makeup, accessories, and more (the links are in that first post).

In fact, it takes no more time in the morning to put on a flattering top as it does to put on a shapeless t-shirt. It takes no more time to put on a pair of jeans that fit nicely than it does to put on a pair of sweat pants (okay, maybe you have to do up a zipper with a pair of jeans. But that’s not too much to ask). And, in fact, in the summer it takes less time to put on a pretty sundress than it does to put on ugly shorts and a baggy t-shirt!

And when you take care in your appearance, you feel more motivated throughout the day.

You walk with an extra spring in your step! It’s like Flylady, the housekeeping wizard, always says: “Put on your shoes!” When you have shoes on, you feel like you’re at work. And then you actually get stuff done.

This isn’t even a weight issue. There are enough clothing choices available that you can find clothes that flatter–just watch a few episodes of What Not to Wear. It’s all about whether or not we’re willing to put in the effort.

Whenever I talk about this I inevitably have women say, “my husband doesn’t like me to dress up. He likes the girl next door look with no makeup and with jeans, not skirts or girly things.” And perhaps that’s true. Some people can pull it off nicely. But honestly: look at those two pictures. Which one would most husbands feel more comfortable with? Which one would a husband feel proud to walk out of the house with?

I think men should think we’re beautiful even without makeup, but that doesn’t mean that we should never put in an effort for him to say, “I want you to see that I still want to look good for you. Sure, you’ve promised you’ll love me no matter what, but I love myself, too, I love our marriage, and I want you to be super proud!”

That’s just one bit of marriage advice we talked about, but I think it’s an important one.

Here’s one little thing that I do, that I thought of after writing all these posts on fighting the frump! (Blogging about marriage really does make you more intentional about your own marriage!). Every night, about 15 minutes before Keith gets home, I go upstairs and put on a bit of makeup and change into a really nice shirt or a sundress, if I’ve been wearing more leisurely clothes earlier. I just like to greet him at the door looking my best. Not because I’m an object, and not because I’m being shallow, but because it’s part of how I can honour him.

What about you? Do you struggle with letting yourself go? Do you find this is a common problem with women that you know? How do you “fight the frump”? Let me know in the comments!

The post On Respecting Yourself–and Your Husband appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

5 Ways to Defeat Insecurity in the Bedroom

You want a great sex life–but what do you if you’re still really shy being naked, or trying anything rather adventurous?

Many of us get into a “safe” rut in bed. We make love in one position which lets us feel intimate, but doesn’t allow for much exploring. Our hands don’t wander. The lights aren’t on. We just do the deed and we’re done!

But what if you want more? What if you want to experience real freedom with your husband, and feel even more intimate? Well, you’ve got to get over some of the roadblocks that can make you insecure! So let’s look at five common reasons that many of us would rather keep his face up near our face, and stop his hands from going too far:

1. What About Fat Rolls?

You secretly hate your body, and you’re pretty sure he must feel the same way. When you bend over you seem to have three stomachs. You have cellulite everywhere–even places that aren’t supposed to have cellulite. How could he possibly want to explore THAT when you’d rather not even look in the mirror?

Over and over again men tell me in surveys that the sexiest thing about a woman is not her body; it’s her confidence! A woman who jumps in is incredibly exciting. On the other hand, if you dive under the covers and try to keep things short and simple, he’s going to think you’re not really into it, even if you are. And that’s not sexy.

You need to realize the power that you do have–because when we see how powerful we really are in bed, our confidence can return! If you understand how wild you can really drive your husband, then maybe your fat rolls won’t seem so significant.

Solution: Play the timer game. Set it for 10 minutes and just explore his body without letting him move. See the effect you can have on him! If you’re really ambitious, reverse roles and see how excited he can get just exploring you.

2. What About the Smell?

Here’s another reason we often don’t like to encourage our guys to “explore” much–we’re actually self-conscious about what we smell like “down there.” I mean, let’s face it–we can’t honestly tell by ourselves. And what if you’ve just had your period, and you’re still spotting a little? Or what if you really DO smell?

It is a little bit different–a guy’s genitals are right there, on the outside. They’re easily cleaned. But us? Nope. It’s all kind of wet and potentially messy.

So here’s the thing–if this is a problem for you and is wrecking your confidence because you’re just not sure, and you’re worried that he’s just humoring you but doesn’t really like exploring “down there”–then do something! I was asked by BlogHer to take a look at Stay Fresh Gel from Monistat® Complete Care™. Monistat® now offers products beyond yeast infection treatment with the Complete Care™ line. Here’s what it DOESN’T do: it doesn’t mask odor by using a fragrance. In fact, it’s fragrance-free and paraben-free! It doesn’t try to mask anything at all–it helps eliminate odor by restoring feminine freshness and balance. See, the vagina is actually a self-cleaning thing (or at least the inside is; the outside still needs lots of attention!). But sometimes we throw off that balance with things we eat, exercise, sex, or even soaps we use. This helps to restore the proper pH and get you back to normal. And for the one in three women who really do have feminine odor, this helps keep you fresh for up to 3 days with one application.

Solution: Don’t try to use chemical cleaning douches (please please please! That’s so bad for you); actually restore balance. Here’s a coupon for you to use to try it!

3. What About all that Hair?

Here’s another thing that makes us insecure: pubic hair. Why would he want to explore if there’s so much in the way? And the one place we want him to find the most is often hidden underneath quite a bit.

Certainly you can do a full wax, but I’m not a fan for three reasons: First, when hair starts to grow back it can be really itchy. Second, when you wax the hair often has a harder time growing back through the skin and you can end up with ingrown hairs. Not fun. And third, the whole Brazilian wax thing has become popular largely because porn has made it “normal”. That scares me–it’s like it’s trying to get women to look like pre-pubescent girls.

Solution: I like Shannon Ethridge’s tip in The Passion Principles: Simply stand above the toilet with some scissors and clip the hair short. No itch, no fuss, and no mess.

4. What If I Don’t Know What To Do?

You like the thought of exploring more and not just sticking to one routine when you make love, but what if you’re honestly at a loss about what to do? How do you initiate something new? And what in the world do you really want to do?

Sometimes the easiest way to explore more is to think of it as play–not something that needs to be sustained through the whole time (you can honestly get back to your tried and true position), but maybe you start a different way each time.

Solution: Have each of you write down 5 ways that you’d like to make love or 5 things you’d like to do before the “main event.” Put them in a bag. Then each time you make love, pull out a suggestion and start that way! You can always finish another way, after all. But this way there’s no pressure on you to suggest something. You’re just doing what the paper says.

5. What If He Doesn’t Make Me Feel Good?

You’d love to explore, but every time he touches you your head immediately goes to creating a shopping list, because quite frankly it doesn’t feel that good.

We aren’t born knowing how to please the opposite sex. And everybody likes different things! So you have to teach him. I don’t mean correct him or criticize him; but you do have to show him what you like.

Solution: Play the Teacher! One night for 15 minutes you just get to teach and correct him all you like. Even boss him around! Then the next night reverse roles. You may just learn a lot about each other!

Ladies, so many of us lack confidence.

We’re worried about what he’ll think about our bodies. We’re worried we’re secretly gross. We’re worried we’re not that exciting. Stop worrying and just do something about it! Confidence is sexy, and so if you need something to boost your confidence, try one (or all!) of these suggestions.

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The post 5 Ways to Defeat Insecurity in the Bedroom appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

I Want to Learn to Take Better Pictures!

I live in a family where my lack of photography skills is a frequent source of amusement.

Katie, my YouTube daughter, has Instagram all figured out. She can line up a photo with great composition, take it on her iPhone, edit it like crazy, and create a lovely memory.

Keith, my husband, has mastered his DSL (is that EVEN the right term? I don’t even know. That’s how bad I am) camera and takes awesome pictures of birds (we enjoy bird watching together, though he’s way more into it than me. I just like walking in nature).

And then there’s me.

Here’s one I took this weekend where I was trying to be artistic, but the lighting isn’t quite right.

I’m in the middle of two huge photo projects: the first is that I want to get good at Instagram over the summer. I enjoy photos; I just can’t figure it all out. But I’m going to have fun trying! The other is that Katie is taking ALL of our old family photo albums and scanning the pictures. I want to digitize everything.

But as I’m going through all the old photos, I see so many that could have been better. And for my daughter’s wedding in July, I want to be ready! I just didn’t document the kids’ early years that well. Thankfully the girls have documented their teen years just fine on their own, but I’d like to start capturing memories that have the right feel a little bit better. And I want to make sure that I can always FIND those photos again, too!

So I am launching myself into the Ultimate Digital Photography Bundle that starts today–for one week only! I got a hold of the books early–last Friday–just to take a look, and I’m absolutely loving it. There are three tiers, depending on what type of photographer you are: Beginner, Intermediate, and Professional.

Like most of you, I’m just a beginner. But the beginner ebooks and ecourses are so much fun.

There are books on composition (like what goes into making a good photo, and where everything should be), lighting, exposure, depth, and so much more. There are ecourses for your Nikon camera and ecourses for your Canon camera (we have a Canon. I think. That’s how bad I am).

One of the things I think is so cool is this ecourse on Metadata:

It helps you learn how to insert code into the actual raw photo file so that you always know who is in the photo, where it was taken, the date it was taken, and the subject. That way if you’re ever trying to find “all photos of Johnny when he was 3″, you can just search for it. It teaches you what keywords to use and what to do with them. I’m so excited about that because of my project to organize all of my photos from forever!

And here’s another one that my daughters are really excited about: iPhone Only Photography.

It shows you how to use your iPhone to take amazing pictures, and then what editing software to use to make them even better. It’s a really long book–200 pages–so it’s a major course in and of itself. I’m working my way slowly through it, and by the end of the week I hope to show you an updated landscape photo with the sun peeking through the trees–like the one above–that’s so much better! Taken just with my iPhone, of course.

There’s also a great resource on how to capture those unexpected memories, which every mom is going to want. Those lovely pics of your kids laughing, or even having a meltdown, are irreplaceable. I wish I had more of them–but you can!

Then my husband is so excited to work through the ones on shadow and light to figure out how to use his camera better.

Seriously–there is so much for everyone. And it’s such a great deal!

Click here to see the full range of ebooks and training courses included in The Ultimate Photography Bundle (Beginner’s Edition).

There’s even better news! Everything in the bundle has a combined total value of $555, but for this week only, The Ultimate Bundles Team is selling the entire bundle for just $37 – a discount of more than 90%! What’s more, they’re also throwing in a FREE copy of FX Photo Studio Pro software from MacPhun (which provides stunning filters and photography effects) worth $29.99!

Click here to buy The Ultimate Digital Photography Bundle (Beginner’s Edition) for just $37.

The next generation is going to be all about photography. Our lives will be documented on social media, and we have the ability to really capture amazing photos that will last for generations. Technologically, this is such an exciting time to be alive because anyone can master this stuff! And the equipment is so much cheaper than it ever has been.

The bundle sale ends June 29 at midnight EST, so don’t wait to pick it up!

I’m going to try to work through some of the assignments in the iPhone Only Photography book over the week, and keep you updated. I hope you like my progress! And if you want to join me, just click here.

Remember, there’s also a bundle for Intermediate photographers, with lots more on lighting and black and white photography, and for professional photographers. When you buy one of the bigger bundles, you get all the resources in the lower bundles as well. So when you buy the intermediate bundle, you also get all the ebooks, courses, and bonuses in the beginner bundle.

No blurriness, no exposure nightmares, no bad angles. Just perfect, happy memories!

The post I Want to Learn to Take Better Pictures! appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

On Father’s Day and Photographs

It’s Friday, and time for my Round-Up, when I tell you what was #1 on various social media and the blog this week (in case you couldn’t check in everyday!), share with you some behind the scenes things that I was thinking, make some announcements, and give you some heads up into a bit of my personal life.

With Father’s Day coming up this weekend I think I’ll share a bunch of my past posts on Father’s Day, too–there are some that still make me tear up.

So let’s get started!

What’s #1 at To Love, Honor and Vacuum this week?

#1 on the Blog: Top 10 Things Great Parents DON’T Do

#1 on Facebook: Top 10 Things Great Parents DON’T Do

#1 on Pinterest: What if My Marriage Was a Mistake?

#1 on Twitter: Ever feel like sex is all “for the hubby”?

Interestingly, most of the top posts this week were all ones FROM this week! Usually a lot of older ones are in the loop. Guess these two posts resonated with you!

When I’m Sarcastic–and It Backfires

But one thing I did this week rubbed people the wrong way, and I’m sorry. Here’s the scoop: Lindsey Bell sent me a guest post called “Top 10 Things Great Parents Do“. About a day later Rebekah Curtis sent me a post about the Top 10 Things Great Parents Find Unnecessary, or something like that. And I thought–hey, these are like a set! I can do The Top 10 Things Great Parents Do and the Top 10 Things Great Parents DON’T Do! It’s like they fit together!

And Rebekah’s post was a tad sarcastic (which I can be too!), so I thought it fit. But then a bunch of people complained and said I was judging people and put the wrong title on the post. Mea culpa. I should have called it something different. The symmetry just appealed to me, and I did like the posts, and with the wedding coming up I need more guest posts!

So I’m sorry if I offended people. Sometimes I really am just being sarcastic–I hope that my readers know my heart by now.

Some Father’s Day Thoughts

Father’s Day is on Sunday, and I’ve written a lot about Father’s Day in the past! So I thought I’d share some of the posts for you to read now.

But first, here’s my oldest daughter’s tribute to her dad this year–how young adults can maintain a close relationship with their dad!

To My Fathers–this one always brings tears to my eyes! My tribute to the men I celebrate on Father’s Day–though none is genetically related to me.

On Growing Up without a Father–sometimes when we do grow up without a dad we get so sad about it. Some thoughts on how to celebrate what we DO have, and how to stop “dreaming of my father”.

Women Have it Good!–We women sometimes get sarcastic (it’s not just me!) about Father’s Day. I’ve heard women say, “everyday is Father’s Day, because we’re always taking care of the men.” Here are some thoughts on how maybe we should change that perspective!

How Not to Let Daddy Issues Impact Your Marriage–a post from this week that resonated with many of you.

If some of you have awesome dads you may wonder why I don’t write happier Father’s Day posts, but I’m just writing out of my own experience. And many of you have had difficult relationships with your earthly fathers, too. I’m just glad that I can celebrate my awesome hubby this weekend!

Every month I send “themed” round ups of posts from the blog that you may not have seen. This month my parenting newsletter was about Father’s Day, and everyone who was signed up for it (all 8,000 of you!) received a round-up with these Father’s Day posts, plus a few more, plus links to all the recent parenting posts. And 22,000 of you receive my monthly marriage round-up! If you want to rediscover some older posts and learn about specific topics (along with making sure you’re not missing any new stuff!), then check out the different newsletters I offer!

Sign up here.

Speaking of Father’s Day, Here’s a Great Gift…

Does your guy work hard and often get stiff muscles? Want to find an awesome way to relax together at night and get the romance going?

Try the MELT Massage course!

20% off Melt: Massage for Couples – Offer ends Father’s Day!

Last year I showcased Denis & Emma from Melt: Massage for Couples – their online massage tutorials teach you how to give the best back rubs! It’s been a huge hit with readers. They give you and your husband a way to connect at night and help the romance start!

Make this Father’s Day the best hubby has ever had, learn how to give each other a back rub – click here to read more.

Want to Win Some Crafty Summer eBooks?

I’ve got a giveaway going on all day over at Facebook! Just leave a comment to win a bundle of 10 ebooks of crafts for the summer, including natural beauty, some recipe books, sewing, party kits, camping books, and more! All you have to do is leave a comment here.

I’ll do the draw at 8:00 a.m. on Saturday morning EST! So go enter now!

I’m Trying to Get Better at Taking Pictures

My youngest is really into Instagram, and she’s always trying to get me to take more pictures and post my pictures. And my goal for this summer is to conquer it!

So I was really excited by this free resource on how to take better digital photos by understanding something called “composition”–basically, how to put a photo together.

You can download it for free, too!

And I promise I’ll start posting on Instagram more! So come on over and follow me.

Happy Father’s Day, Everyone!

The post On Father’s Day and Photographs appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

How My Dad Taught Me to Love My Mom: One Man’s Story

Can a dad straighten out a sullen, adopted teenager with a chip on his shoulder?

You betcha! I love this story that author Joel Peterson sent my way for Father’s Day, and I hope you enjoy it, too! It’s from his fictional biography Dreams of My Mothers. Here’s Joel:

“Let us pray.” My dad’s bass voice rumbled as he bowed his head.

I was a sixteen year-old who had been adopted at age six – a fact about me that would play a crucial role this day. Our house was Mom’s pride and joy. Anyone who walked into Ellen Linquist’s home knew exactly what holiday season it was—all the major and minor holidays and everyone’s birthday.  I think Dad loved our home all the more for the “Ellen Lindquist-ness” of it.

Dad was an accountant and it appealed to him—order, seasons, rules.  But this day Mom’s rules – and Dad’s words – would change me forever.

After grace, I reached over to the box of Raisin Bran when his mother fixed her bright blue eyes on me.

“Noah, isn’t that the same shirt that you wore yesterday?” I drew my hand back from the cereal box.

“You need to go back upstairs and change your shirt, young man.”

“But it’s not dirty!”

“You know the rules in our house, no son of mine is going to leave this house wearing the same shirt two days in a row.”  Something about her words seemed to pull a grenade pin inside me.

“So changing a stupid shirt is what makes me your son? It’s good to know what makes me fit to be your son. Since I’m NOT your son, I am not changing my shirt!”

I didn’t know what had come over me. I shouted these last words at my mother. There was something about the words “no son of mine” that set off that emotional grenade inside me and shattered the shrapnel of my teenage insecurities along with other inner demons – demons that hide inside most adoptees – who now were screaming things through my mouth at my mother. I was shocked and enraged at the same time.

There was always a trickle of blood inside my soul from a wound that could never fully heal. And there simply existed too many questions surrounding my identity that no one else could comprehend.

And in the mirror, my Asian face screamed at least one of the answers every day, an answer I did not want to hear.

“No son of mine.”

I ran up the stairs and into my room, slamming the door behind me.  A few minutes later, there was a knock on my bedroom door.

“Mind if I come in, Son?” My dad’s voice sounded muffled through the door.

Dad stepped through the door into my small bedroom. I kept staring out my window as I sat on my bed. Dad sat down next to me. The bed sunk down noticeably under his weight. He too stared out the room’s window.

Elmore Lindquist was not a man for elegant words or eloquent phrasing. And though my dad would later completely forget this episode and this conversation, I would not. I would remember every word.

And Dad found an eloquence—at least that day, at that time. “Son,”

He almost never called me by my name, Noah, but nearly always addressed as me “Son.” It never occurred to my father how much that simple word always meant to me, coming from a man like him. I had never had a man in my life until I was adopted at age seven.  Most of the men that I had met before adoption were through my birth mother, and there was always something off-putting, something not right. I could feel that the men were there for a purpose not linked to me. They were creatures focused on my mother as she prostituted herself to feed and care for me.  And my birth mother was a world apart from Ellen Lindquist.  But they shared the same intense love for me.

I had grown with up seeing nothing very positive regarding men or being a man. Until Elmore Lindquist.

Elmore was married to a trim, attractive woman who had the classic blond haired, dancing blue-eyed combination of her Swedish blood and an air of energy and efficiency that hinted at her nursing school training. She smiled easily and often and had a musical laugh. She was Doris Day, but slighter and far more intelligent.

And she was everyone’s “go to” girl.  Her sense of what her faith required was amazing to behold and led her to embrace the hardest jobs, the least desired tasks.  Every neighbor and community member said so in our small Minnesota town.

Dad was a new sort of creature to me. At six-foot two, he was a physical presence, but was never physical. He never seemed to get sick or tired or impatient or demanding. He would drive endless hours along endless miles of highways during summer vacations, enduring endless hours of children squabbling about touching each other and whining for bathrooms. He could execute unending honey-do lists and chores he would never have thought to invent.

He just was. He was a constant, dependable, working, providing presence of strength and good humor, perfectly paired with a smarter, stronger, and more faith-driven Doris Day of a wife.

Dad cleared his throat. “Son, I just want to share with you a little something I’ve learned. There are two people in this world that a man shouldn’t argue with. One is his wife. The other is his mother. Just because.  It’s that simple. A man just doesn’t argue with either.  And your mom is truly your mother in every way that is meaningful.”

Dad paused and from the corner of my eye I could see him glance down at me. I didn’t look at him, but instead, kept staring out the window.

“Son . . . because . . . being a man is about . . . it’s about . . . it’s . . . It’s NOT about how loud you can yell or the hurtful things you can say or how hard you can hit something or someone. You’re going to learn that the hardest fights that a man will have in his life will be inside himself . . . with himself. Being a man is about winning against the pettiness of your own ego. It means saying you were wrong, even when you know you were right; it’s saying you are sorry, even though you’re not . . .Because . . . it just doesn’t matter. Of course, sometimes it does.  And if it does matter, if you truly believe in your heart and soul that the world will be a better place, that the course of history and your corner of mankind will truly be better off, then of course, stand up and be a man. But if you know in your heart—deep down inside you—that it doesn’t really matter, except to you and your ego, then be a real man. Say you are sorry, even when you’re not. Say you were wrong, even though you are right. Because a man should only stand up for things that truly matter.”

I still gave no reaction though his words were like a parting of storm clouds that suddenly reveal a shaft of light. But I remained silent and staring.

“So . . . Son, if you truly believe the world will be a better place because you wear that shirt, then by God, wear the shirt. But if you know that it doesn’t matter to the world at all—only to you—then be a man, Son. Be a man and wear something else. Tell your mother that you’re sorry – for what you said and how you acted – even though you really aren’t.  And that you were wrong, even though you may feel you are not.”

Dad stopped talking. His big, bass voice stopped filling up my small bedroom.  The silence went on for minutes. He finally stood up. “Well, I have to get going to work now, Son. I’m late. Be the man I know that you are. I know you’ll do the right thing, Son.”  With those words, Dad turned and went out my bedroom door.

I knew that my dad was right with a profoundness I’d never felt before.  I now saw it so clearly and his words made perfect sense.  And I knew that what my mother had really meant was that she wanted me to live up to her high standards because I was her son.  I felt so stupid and so ashamed.   And so not like a man.  I knew what I had to do – be the man that my father was.

As I came down to the kitchen with my book bag over my shoulder, my mother looked up from her cup of coffee. I was wearing a different shirt.

“Uh . . . hey Mom? I’m really sorry for the things I said . . . And…you were right.”

I could visibly see the relief and the release of more tension than she had likely been aware of.  And in her eyes, I thought I saw a forgiveness and understanding – and joy – because she could see that I only saw her as being my mom.  And she could see me trying to be a man, just like my dad revealed to me.

“Thank you, Noah. You’d better hurry. You’re already late for school.”

I could sense she wanted to say more, maybe to say how sorry she was about my bleeding soul, to let me know that she loved me and worried for me.  But she didn’t need to say anything.

I knew.

In his new book, Dreams of My Mothers, author Joel L.A. Peterson brings his unique personal background as a biracial international adoptee and combines it with his penetrating insights into multiple cultures to create an exceptionally enthralling and inspirational story. Learn more at www.dreamsofmymothers.com.

The post How My Dad Taught Me to Love My Mom: One Man’s Story appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

Wifey Wednesday: When Daddy Issues Impact Your Marriage

Do you project onto your daddy issues onto your husband?

It’s Wednesday, the day when we always talk marriage! I introduce a topic, and then all of you who are bloggers can link up your own posts below. And with Father’s Day coming up this week, I thought I’d look at how those of us with father issues can try to keep those issues out of our marriage.

Whether your dad abandoned you, verbally abused you, molested you, hit you, or just disapproved of you, many of us have found Father’s Day a difficult day on the calendar. When I was younger I remember not being able to buy a Father’s Day card to mail to my dad, because the words in all of them weren’t true. What do you say to a father you have never lived with, whom you see for a week a year, and who doesn’t really know you? There just aren’t cards for that.

And I know many of you have felt the same thing.

Yet as I shared last week, marriage can be a vehicle that God uses for healing in our lives. When we marry good men, they show us how we’re supposed to be loved. They cherish us. And so much of those silent accusations we have inside our heads start to diminish.

I asked on Facebook yesterday how people prevent themselves from projecting onto their husbands their issues with their dads, and had some great (and heartbreaking) responses. I can’t do this subject full justice in a quick post, but I want to leave you with just a few thoughts that may help:

1. Many of us used our past to make good choices

Just because you have father issues does not mean that you’ll marry an idiot. In fact, over and over again women said something like, “I knew from my dad what I didn’t want and I made sure I found what I did want.” I did the same thing! Sometimes when you have a difficult childhood you run hard in the other direction: you marry a good person; you become an amazing parent; you prioritize relationships.

Some of us, unfortunately, don’t do that. It’s quite common to marry someone who gives us a similar “feel” as our father–if he was an alcoholic, we marry a workaholic because we’re used to feeling distant.

But just because you have father issues does not mean that you’re guaranteed to have a bad marriage–not at all! So never believe that.

What to do: Ask yourself, “Did I marry someone who makes me feel like my dad made me feel?” If not, celebrate! If you did, then find a mentor or a counselor to talk through this and figure out how to address key issues in your marriage.

2. Our coping patterns can cause problems

At the same time, it’s good to recognize how our past did affect how we treat others. One woman wrote this very insightful tidbit:

The biggest issue that has come up with us is the habit I learned in my childhood of not sharing what I thought if I believed it would cause friction. I finally told my husband that, & he said he wanted to know what I thought since I saw different possibilities then he did. The first few time were VERY hard, but I took a deep breath and spoke up anyway. I still start off speaking carefully, but if my careful words don’t communicate well to him, he has learned to ask questions to make sure he understands my point.

When we grow up with friction we learn to try to avoid friction at all costs. That’s a common coping mechanism, and it makes perfect sense when you’re in a dysfunctional home.

The problem is that that exact same coping mechanism can also cause a functional home to become a dysfunctional one. If you fail to speak up and tell your husband what you’re thinking, then you prevent emotional intimacy. And once emotional intimacy is lost, other forms of intimacy quickly follow.

What to do: Ask yourself, what’s my reaction to conflict? Do I try to avoid it? If so, tell your husband and sit down and figure out some “rules” for conflict that will help you feel safe enough to speak up.

3. Our fear of abandonment can cause problems

If your dad left, then at the back of your mind is likely the fear that your husband will, too. Rejection is real in your life; how do you know that anyone can stay forever?

But when we fear abandonment, we often withdraw into ourselves and again fail to share key things. Sometimes it’s not even failing to share when we’re upset. We may even fail to share when we’re happy! If he’s going to leave, then I can’t let him see all of me. That way if he leaves he’s not really rejecting ME; he never really knew me.

The other dynamic that can be quite common is to become defensive during conflicts. If he mentions anything that he’s unhappy about you’re sure he’s going to leave. So you overreact to everything, leaving him unable to really share his heart.

What to do: Confess this to your husband! Let him know your fears. And then talk about specific things your husband can do to let you know that he’s not leaving. Teach him your love language. Tell him that during a conflict he must always say, “I’m staying with you no matter what because I love you, but this bothers me and I’d like it to change.” Pray with him about it.

4. Our family of origin can cause problems

If you have father issues, chances are the rest of your family also has issues. Your siblings may be messed up. Your mother may be needy.

And we often carry guilt for a lot of these things (even if it’s not our fault). We’re still trying to fix our family of origin, and we get sucked in to drama that is ultimately caused by a dysfunctional father.

If we try to step back, we can be blamed by siblings or by our mother. Loyalty became a huge thing, because “we had to stick together” to get through this with dad.

That dynamic can make it so hard for you to move forward with your husband. If you’re in that dynamic, as hard as it may be, put limits on how much you will talk to or see your siblings and your mother. Sometimes it may even be a good idea to move far away for a few years to build your marriage, just the two of you. Once you’re on strong footing you can reestablish those relationships.

What to do: Talk to your husband about how big a role your family plays in your marriage. How does he feel about it? What is his perspective about how you react to your family? Decide how to set clear boundaries for your family.

5. Sometimes we need someone else to talk to about our “daddy issues”.

We are not meant to live the Christian life alone, and God has appointed some to be encouragers and counselors to help us get through trauma and live a life of freedom. If you feel that your issues just aren’t going away, and you have a hard time trusting your husband or opening up to him, maybe spending five or six sessions with a counselor to talk through these issues and come up with an action plan would be a good idea.

I know it can be expensive; counselors often range around $100 an hour. Some churches will subsidize, but think about it this way: If you spend $600 on counseling, even if that’s a huge sacrifice, but in the end it helps you live an amazing marriage, think about the money you’ll save by raising healthy kids and having a strong marriage.

A counselor can help you pray through things and see how Jesus felt when you were abandoned or hurt; to see that your father probably had issues too; and to see that Jesus’ grace covers such a multitude of hurts. Find someone who can point you to Jesus.

Do any of those thoughts resonate with you? If you have father issues, let me know in the comments what has helped you in your marriage. And for all of you–have a good Father’s Day this weekend!

Now it’s your turn! Do you have a marriage post you’d like to share? Enter the URL of the post in the linky below! And be sure to link back here so that other people can read these awesome marriage posts!

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Top 10 Things Great Parents DON’T Do

When we think of great parents, we probably picture all the things that great parents have to do.

In fact, last week on Top 10 Tuesday Lindsay Bell shared ten things that great parents all do in common. But there are also lots of things that great parents DON’T do. And today Rebekah Curtis, mom of 7 and author of Ladylike, is going to share with us ten things great parents don’t have to do–and let us all off the hook just a little bit.

When my husband and I announced our first pregnancy, one of our grad school professors congratulated us and then said, “Get ready for Spongebob!”

We smiled, kept walking, and then looked at each other and whispered, “Do we have to?”

Answer: no. And that’s not the only thing you’re allowed not to do.

1. Expensive photography sessions.

Children are so beautiful they do not need professional photo shoots every six months to prove it. We all take about 3000 pictures of our kids every week. Their growth is so overdocumented they’re probably going to hate us for it. If you get a semi-decent family portrait taken every year (or every few years) and then go to the trouble of keeping your phone on you, there will be a longer photographic record of your kids’ personal appearance over time than there is of Giselle Bundchen’s.

2. Disney trips, even one.

It’s a Magic Kingdom, alright, but it’s just not required. If your family has the wherewithal for a dream trip, make it the trip that’s your family’s dream; maybe Yosemite, New York City, the World Series, or Narnia.

3. Devices.

There’s a lot of good to be had from gizmos, but the overhead and service costs are pretty high for entertainment when there are still moldy old books in the world. Devices also tend to decrease a young user’s chances to practice the life skill of spending time alone with her thoughts. Whatever we decide on this one, parents need to be honest with ourselves about what we’re giving our baby along with an iPad. It mostly means less time that I’m actively engaged with her, not a free ride to MIT and a secure future in the tech industry.

4. Lessons.

At least, not all of them. Sometime after 1980, we started feeling like scumbags if we didn’t enroll our critters in ballet, soccer, harpsichord, and haberdashery classes the minute they turned three. While any of these activities can be a great time for both kids and families, they can also be an expensive pain in the haunches. Most kids won’t end up earning big financial returns on this kind of thing, and the social and character benefits don’t start kicking in until children are a few years older. And there’s a good possibility that if your child’s parents don’t have a musical bone in either of their bodies, he’s not the next Adele either. Aptitudes have a way of coming out, or put another way, there’s a reason this story appears in The Onion and not the Times.

5. New clothes.

There are a lot of kids with more clothes than anyone could wear out in a year, and many of their parents are considerate enough to give those clothes a glamorous retirement at Goodwill. If you have more time than money, you can find really nice clothes that fit your resource set better than a huge Land’s End bill every fall.

6. Field trips.

Some parents aren’t able to go on a field trip, either because of work constraints or because they’re caring for other children. Some parents aren’t comfortable asking another adult to be responsible for the extra level of vigilance required when children are in a crowded public setting, an open rural area, on a boat, or just in a new place the child might find confusing or troubling. Plug this into a Venn diagram, and you’ve got families for whom field trips aren’t always a good fit. It’s OK. It’s your kid.

7. Birthday blowouts.

It doesn’t do any good to tell a kid to appreciate how blessed she is when she’s wearing her new silk kimono and Tahitian pearl earrings while riding a glitter-hoofed pony and porking down cream puffs shaped like swans, all because she turned eight. She has no comparative basis on which to appreciate it. Parents who fear it’s criminal not to throw a big shindig every year aren’t the ones whose child needs more stuff or public adoration. There was a time when it was thought that a birthday party with friends from school, planned activities, and a bakery cake was an extravagance every child should enjoy once. Maybe our kids would benefit from at least one birthday where the guests are the immediate family, the cake is from the house kitchen, and the fun is being with the people who love you so much more than anyone else does.

8. The school bus.

Some kids have a great time talking with friends or get through a lot of homework on a school bus. Others become bully-meat in an environment that can be only minimally supervised, and some find their unfortunate propensity for bullying enabled. A bus can be a friend of family efficiency, or an enemy of family happiness. Lots of good things can happen when moms and dads get to connect with their kids on a school commute, and that might be worth the tax on time.

9. Sleepovers.

If you are not comfortable with your kids sleeping at a house whose inhabitants you can’t claim to know that well, it doesn’t mean you’re a paranoid nut. None of us really know what another family’s home life is like. Factor in siblings, friends of siblings, extended family, and family friends who may also end up being present; practices regarding bathrooms and age-appropriate media; the variety of beliefs about swimming pools, copperhead infested areas, or walking to the park without a grownup; and so on ad infinitum, and it is perfectly reasonable for a family to say, “At our house, we sleep at our house.”

10. Another drink, story, or word of comfort for a troubled stuffed beast.

Four things are necessary at bedtime: toothbrushing, pajamas, snuggles, and prayers. Other routines are fun and useful only until they aren’t fun and useful any more. It does not violate a child’s human rights to say, “There isn’t going to be a drink right now, because it’s bedtime. I love you. Good night.”

Almost no one does all of these things.

You don’t have to look far to find a fully operational family that opts out of activities that have somehow taken place in our cultural mind as “the childhood experience.” Everyone remembers feeling frustrated, misunderstood, or deprived as a child. Our kids will be no exception, because dissatisfaction is a chronic human disease.

Our job isn’t to give kids perfect memories. It’s to help them think about their choices and not just do things because that’s what’s done. Children also need to learn that differences among families are OK, to deal with it when things don’t go their way, and to recognize that indulgence is not the solution to envy or discontentment. When they see us finding creative alternatives, they learn to do the same. That’s a lesson, an experience, and a gift they’ll use their whole lives.

Rebekah Curtis is coauthor of LadyLike, a collection of essays on faith and society from Concordia Publishing House. She has written for Babble, The Federalist, Touchstone, and Modern Reformation (forthcoming). You can find her at the LadyLike blog, Facebook, Pinterest, and home with her husband and their seven children.

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