Sheila Wray Gregoire's Blog, page 185
May 4, 2015
How Do You Respect Your Husband if You Can’t Trust Him?
What does it mean to really respect your husband?Every Monday I like to put up a Reader Question and take a stab at answering it. Today a reader asks how she can respect a husband she still doesn’t trust:
I found out about my husband of 5 years had been addicted to porn and caught him by innocently searching through his photos on his phone while nursing my son in bed one morning. I regularly asked to use his phone so my looking through it was nothing unusual at all. The difference this time is he forgot to hide his stuff apparently this time.
We have had MANY hard conversations since then. He’s been getting help, hasn’t looked at it since July (when I caught him) and has been genuinely turning his life around and back to the Lord.
Here’s my issue: I still don’t trust him yet. I’ve forgiven him but trusting him again is something that takes a lot of work and time. We aren’t at that point yet. Is it possible to respect him without trust?
I do try but he doesn’t feel it anymore. I know it’s incredibly important to show respect and even biblical. I guess maybe I don’t know what respect truly is?
I’m being the best I know how to be while feeling so broken but it doesn’t seem enough. Please help, I’m so confused.
Great question–and one that there’s a lot of confusion about. I want to leave the question of how you rebuild trust someone after porn use, because that’s a separate question that other posts do address.
Today I want to tackle respect, because it’s something we hear a lot: women need unconditional love, and men need unconditional respect, and we wives ARE to respect our husbands.
I’ve heard this love and respect dichotomy frequently, and many books explain this perspective well–like Love and Respect. The problem is that while love can be freely given, respect as a whole is something that is earned. It isn’t something which is just automatically bestowed. Loving an unlovable person is something many of us do all the time. But loving an unlovable person doesn’t involve declaring that this unlovable person is somehow lovable; it involves loving them regardless and choosing to treat them well.
To respect someone who is not worthy of respect is much trickier, because we think of respect not primarily an action as much as it is a feeling. How can you respect someone who hasn’t done anything to earn it–but has instead squandered it?
And so today I’d like to take a broader look at what it means to respect someone, and what it is that we do owe our husbands.
Dictionary.com defines respect in these two primary ways:
esteem for or a sense of the worth or excellence of a person, a personal quality or ability, or something considered as a manifestation of a personal quality or ability:
I have great respect for her judgment.
deference to a right, privilege, privileged position, or someone or something considered to have certain rights or privileges; proper acceptance or courtesy; acknowledgment:
respect for a suspect’s right to counsel; to show respect for the flag; respect for the elderly.
The first definition is the one we usually think of, and it is dependent upon the actions of the person. You earn respect.
The second definition is the one that we are told in books like Love and Respect that men really need–to respect their position as husband, regardless of how he’s acting.
And that is certainly something that you can do. So God is not asking you to actually approve of anyone’s behaviour or “esteem” anyone. He is asking you to show deference.
But what does respecting your husband mean practically?
I actually think respect is part of healthy boundaries, as Henry Cloud and John Townsend talk about in their book Boundaries in Marriage, and I’m personally more comfortable with their way of framing the issue. They ask us to do this: imagine everybody as a farmer’s field, with fences around what is their responsibility and under their ownership. In your field is your own actions; your own feelings; your own opinions. You have control over these things. You should not let others trespass. So no one, for instance, can “make you angry”. Anger is a choice that you make.
At the same time, other people have their own feelings and opinions and actions, and you need to not trespass on their field. So your husband is allowed to act his own way. Your children are allowed their feelings (even if you don’t like them). Your mother is allowed to rant at you if she wants. But you are then free to respond to that rant as you want. You can’t control the rant; you can control your response.
So to respect someone is to say: I recognize where the fences are. I recognize and honour your fence, and I will not trespass it.
In the case of marriage this is super important, because, as I’ve said before, most women do have control freak tendencies simply because we feel responsible for everyone, so we want to make sure they act the right way.
We need to not try to control our husbands, but let them be free to act. And to defer and respect also means that we acknowledge that their dreams and ideas for the family matter, and that we will get behind those dreams and pursue them with our husband, even if they aren’t always our dreams.
To respect your husband, then, does not mean that you approve of what he does. To respect him means that you acknowledge and support his right to choose what he does.
That’s a big difference. You aren’t trying to control him.
In the same way, to love your wife does not mean that you feel that she is lovable. It means you choose to treat her well and cherish her, no matter what she does.
To get back to our letter writer, she is largely equating respect with trust. Trust absolutely is something which is earned; we should never trust someone who is untrustworthy. And often we think that the respect that is asked of us is in the same category. But it is not.
So if you have a husband who isn’t trustworthy, what does respect look like?
I think it’s like this:
I will not try to control you or prevent you from using porn. I acknowledge that you have the right to freely choose whether to seek accountability or not; whether to watch porn or not; whether to rebuild the marriage or not. I am not free to try to manipulate you, guilt you, or cajole you in any way.
However, just as you are free to choose, I am also free to choose. And if you do choose to continue to watch porn, know that I will be taking these actions (and you can figure out what those are). I am not trying to control you by doing this; I am simply doing what I believe is best for me and our children based on prayer and on the godly counsel that I have received.
I hope and pray that our marriage can be restored, and I will do everything I can to build that marriage. I want to find things to do to build our friendship. I want to spend time laughing together. I want to enjoy meals together. And I know that you are free to make that choice as well, or to not make that choice. Regardless of what you choose, I will treat you with love, and I will treat you with grace.
What I really want, however, is for both of us to look more and more like Christ, and going down a really bad path isn’t going to help that. So if you do go there, I will have to take action. But in the meantime, I will not nag you. I will not manipulate. I will not look over your shoulder. I will not blame you or yell at you for my own feelings. I will take my sadness and process it with friends and with a counselor. I will work towards building up our marriage. And I will pray that you will do the same.
When someone has broken our trust our impulse is to stick to them like glue and check their phone and computer constantly and nag and cry and rage. And that isn’t respect, because it is “violating their fence”. But setting up an accountability partner for your husband so that you know he is getting help, as well as setting up conditions for what you will do if things do not change, IS part of respect, because just as he is free to choose, so are you. It’s honouring your own spheres of influence and control that God has given you, so that we don’t unwittingly become a sin enabler.
Some may say, “but that’s manipulation!” No, it’s not. To manipulate is to underhandedly use emotional, social, and sexual tools to try to pressure someone to do it our way–it is to take away their agency, their right to make a decision. Unfairness is a large part of manipulation. We’re not doing that–we’re acknowledging their right to make a decision, but we’re also acknowledging our own right to make a decision. And it isn’t underhanded. It’s right above board, and in line with God’s thinking on sin.
I know it’s hard to stop nagging and yelling and crying when trust has been broken, but I think that’s what respect means in this case. But I’d love to hear from you: how have you respected your husband when he’s acted inappropriately? How do you draw healthy boundaries? Let us know in the comments!
Note: if you and your husband are battling porn, Covenant Eyes is a great way to install accountability–painlessly! And between now and May 11, when you sign up, you get 60 days free. Check it out!
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May 1, 2015
Sheila’s Friday Round-Up: What’s Hot, Winners, a New Book, And a Contest!
What’s Number 1 This Week:
#1 on the Blog: Getting to Deeper Levels of Communication
#1 on Facebook: 5 Quick Ways to Pray for Your Husband
#1 on Pinterest: Why I Didn’t Rebel
#1 on Twitter: 9 FUN tips to make SEX great for you, too!
What’s Up in My Life:
On Tuesday my youngest daughter Katie wrote her last exam in high school. Which means she is officially finished homeschooling. Which means that I am officially finished homeschooling.
From several years ago:
There have been a lot of melancholy moments this week!
…And I’m Going to California!
Thanks to all who entered my contest with the Homemaking Bundle! Jaime won dinner with me in her hometown near Los Angeles, so in the fall of 2016 I’ll be taking her and a friend out to dinner! And long-time reader Amy C. won my $100 Amazon gift card! I’ve also given away 20 other small prizes, and congratulations to all the winners!
Stay tuned on Facebook because I’ll be doing some flash giveaways there of some ebook bundles in the next few weeks.
Our May Ultimate Marriage Challenge Book Choice Is…
To Love, Honor and Vacuum: When you feel more like a maid than a wife and a mother (second edition).Yes, shameless plug, this is my book.
But it’s so timely for Mother’s Day, and I wrote it for all of you women who feel more like you work for your families than that you nurture and enjoy your families.
It’s for everyone who just feels overwhelmed with all the work that goes into family life, and wants to actually get a chance to enjoy her family again.
Every month in 2015 I hope you’ll join me for our Ultimate Marriage Reading Challenge. It’s one book a month–or 12 a year. Imagine what would happen if we actually read a book a month and put those things into practice! So this month, since it’s Mother’s Day, I want to look at how to find purpose and joy as you point your family to Christ–not away from Him.
And note that last part. I firmly believe that many women inadvertently push their kids and husbands away from God because we think the focus of life is to be nice, not to be good. And so I want challenge us this month to be GOOD!
To Love, Honor and Vacuum was my first book, written at the time of that bottom photo of my kids. It’s what this blog was originally built on (though I’ve turned to sex a lot since!). And the new edition came out last year, eleven years after it was first released.
So if you love this blog, I really encourage you to pick the book up and read it along with me this month. I think it will change your marriage–and change how you parent!
I Seriously Love This Guy…
On Tuesday I published a post “5 Ways to Pray for Your Husband“, from Jared Brock, who wrote A Year of Living Prayerfully.
Jared is hilarious. Absolutely HI-larious. And he has such an important message!
I’ll be talking about his book once I finish it (I totally love it), but I want you to see the trailer now. And then enter my giveaway below!
Want to Win Something?
Of course you do! So enter our Rafflecopter below. I’ll be giving away 1 grand prize of 3 books: The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages (that was our April book of the month), A Year of Living Prayerfully, and Prayers for New Brides (from our 8 Prayers of Protection over your Marriage post last month). Then I’ll give away 1 copy of each of those three books to three other winners.
Have a great weekend!
The post Sheila’s Friday Round-Up: What’s Hot, Winners, a New Book, And a Contest! appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.
April 30, 2015
How Believing the Best Can Turn Your Marriage Around
What if changing a marriage doesn’t always involve something huge? What if believing the best–a simple shift in attitude–can change everything?I get notes everyday from women who are just desperate in their marriages. One yesterday stands out to me: they have two very small children; she has no friends; her husband likes to go out with the guys; and they never do anything together. Whenever they are together she begs him to talk more, to go on a date, and that just pushes him away. And so he goes out more.
And she feels unloved.
But here’s the thing: he probably does, too, because the only interaction they have these days is that she’s upset with him. So now what do you do?
That’s where Shaunti Feldhahn’s book Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages comes in, and it’s our book of the month for our Ultimate Marriage Reading Challenge. I can’t recommend this book enough. I’ve read so many marriage books over the last year, but this is probably the one I’d say gives the biggest bang for its buck, because it’s so immensely doable. These aren’t huge changes you have to make; they’re actually quite small. Seriously, go buy it. It’s one of the best investments you’ll ever make.
Shaunti is a researcher at heart, and what she set out to do was to answer the question:
What separates highly happy couples from other couples? What are the key things they’re doing differently?
So she surveyed tons of couples and asked them to rank how happy they were in their marriage on a scale of 1 to 5–with 5 being Totally Happy–I’d marry them again! Many couples were one 4 and another 5; many were both 4s; and many were a 5 and a 3. Those couples are still pretty happy. But the couples where both said 5 were special.
Then she did in-depth interviews and surveys to try to figure out what practical things the highly happy couples were doing that the other couples weren’t. And she found two interesting things:
1. The things that the happy couples thought were making the difference actually weren’t.
2. The things that did make a difference were often quite small.
In other words, if you were to ask a happy couple why they’re happy, their answer is likely wrong. It’s not that what they’re saying isn’t important (“we always seek to serve the other; we never go to bed mad”), it’s that other couples may do those things, too–or they don’t actually do these things as often as they think they do. It’s something else that matters.
And what is that something else?
Shaunti lists 12 habits that make a difference, and some of them I’ve talked about on this blog before.
Wives–say thank you! In highly happy couples, men say “I love you” and women say “thank you”, and they show affection and gratitude easily.
Re-connect after a fight. Have a simple way to signal, “we’re okay”.
Turn towards each other when you’re upset, not away from each other. When you’re going through a hard time, spend more time together, not less. (I mentioned that concept in the post on sleeping in separate bedrooms.)
Today I want to talk about one more: Highly happy couples believe the best about each other.
Assuming that your spouse wants the best for you can change everything.
Here’s how this plays out: let’s imagine that couple that I was talking about at the beginning of this post. He’s heading out with the boys, and she interprets it like this: “he doesn’t want to spend time with me anymore. He doesn’t love me. He thinks I’m boring.”
And so what does she do? She cries. She builds it up to be a huge thing in her mind. When he’s there, she berates him for it, which blows up into a fight. He feels attacked, and just wants to escape.
But what if her interpretation was wrong?
(Incidentally, I’m not saying that it’s okay for a guy to spend a ton of time out with the boys and ignore his little kids. But I do think this problem would be solved so much more easily if she could believe the best.)
Let’s look at some stats.
When asked, “do you care about your spouse and want the best for them, even during a fight?”, 99% of happy couples said yes; 97% of mostly happy couples said yes; and 80% of struggling couples said yes.
So that’s good–in general, married people deeply care about their spouse and want the best for them ALL THE TIME.
But here’s where things get tricky. When asked, “do you believe your spouse wants the best for you, even during a fight”, 96% of highly happy couples said yes; 87% of mostly happy couples said yes; but only 59% of struggling couples said yes.
So 41% of struggling couples believe that their spouse does NOT want the best for them, but only 20% would actually say that’s true. That’s a lot of people who think their spouse is out to get them when their spouse actually isn’t.
Can you see how believing the best could transform this relationship?
If she said to herself, “I know my husband loves me and wants me to be happy, but he’s still going out with the guys a lot and I miss him. I wonder how we can reconnect?”–that gives a totally different feel for how she could approach him.
She could say, “I’m glad you had time to unwind with the guys! I was thinking about ways that we could unwind together this weekend, too. Can I run some by you and then we can brainstorm some together?” Now there’s no blame. There’s no hurt feelings. There’s just an issue that needs to be discussed, and it’s not a big deal.
Of course, it could be that this guy really is a lout, who really doesn’t care about his wife, and who really is an insensitive clod who doesn’t care about his kids either. Some men are certainly like that. But not very many. And if he’s truly that bad a character, don’t you think you would have seen that before you married him?
Shaunti believes that this one habit is a prerequisite to a happy marriage. It’s correlates more highly with happy marriages than any of the others. She says,
Either we try to believe the best of our spouse when we are hurt, or we allow ourselves to believe the worst sometimes–which keeps us from ever entering that lush valley where we so want to be.
It’s your choice. If your husband struggles with porn, can you believe that he wants to love you and wants to be sexually enthralled with you, but he’s fighting this battle he can’t seem to win? And can you join him in that fight instead of feeding the feelings that “he doesn’t find me attractive. He really hates me.?” (Note: if your husband doesn’t believe porn is a problem and won’t deal with it, that’s a totally different story. You need to confront him about porn and say, “no more”! But if he’s just struggling, or trying to stop, join the fight with him, not against him!)
If your husband spends a lot of time away, can you believe that he’s just trying to unwind and isn’t deliberately rejecting you–and then work at how you can spend more time together?
If your husband rarely shows affection, can you believe that he’s just wired differently than you, instead of believing that he doesn’t love you? And then reach out to him anyway?
Like I said, in some marriages he really doesn’t believe the best. Some marriages really are emotionally destructive. But this is a minority.
Shaunti says that in marriage we are often presented with times when there are two possible explanations for our spouse’s behaviour: a positive one and a negative one.
We tend to veer towards the negative. But if you veer towards the positive, and try to figure out why he acted that way, often you find that your more generous explanation was actually true! And the more you do this, the more you realize your spouse really does believe the best–and it’s easier to keep believing that. It snowballs.
So next time you’re facing a situation where you can believe your husband did something to hurt you or you can believe there was another explanation, seek out that other explanation. Find out the WHY before assuming anything bad. And you just may find a great deal of relief!
This is just one habit. There are eleven more. And they’re not huge. But they make a big difference. And Shaunti also has an action plan to show you how to implement them, because you can’t implement twelve changes all at once.
This research is gold, and if we could catch hold of these things, our marriages really would be transformed. I had such a great time reading this book, and I hope you all did, too. If you haven’t already, pick it up. It’s easy to read. It’s short. There are tons of stories. And it will give you hope.
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April 29, 2015
Wifey Wednesday: Getting to Deeper Levels of Communication
It’s Wednesday, the day when we always talk marriage! And today I want to talk about how to really get to know each other and stay close–even once you’re married. And it all starts with intentionally getting to deeper levels of communication.
Recently a reader from New Zealand sent me this question:
We have only been married just over a year and really loving it. I’ve noticed in some of your recent posts you’ve been covering when she doesn’t wanna and when he doesn’t wanna. This isn’t really applicable to us thanks to a great start to marriage (through God’s grace). But it’s making me wonder if all couples go through a season/period of distance with one another? If it is inevitable I’d really like some pointers from how to approach it from our end, from the beginning. How to spot it, when to have those conversations, when to get help, any prevention strategies etc. Because I’d like to continue having an awesome marriage and although I know we will (and have) face ups and downs, I’d like to have the best go at it that we possibly can.
Great question!
First, Yes, every couple will go through seasons of distance–seasons when you don’t feel as close because of work schedules, the pressure of illness, busy-ness that can’t be avoided, etc.
It is NOT inevitable, though, that you will fall out of love or lose your libido. And much of it rests on being proactive, looking for key tips, like this reader is.
But it also comes from recognizing how to feel close. And that stems from understanding the different levels of communication.
Gary Smalley, in his book The Secrets of Lasting Love, says that there are five levels of communication:
Cliches
Facts
Opinions
Feelings
Needs
Intimacy increases with each level.
When you hold the door open for someone, you tend to talk in CLICHES: “nice day, isn’t it?”
Many couples spend most of their time communicating at the level of FACTS: “Johnny has band practice tomorrow at 3 and someone has to pick him up at 4:30. Can you do that on the way home from work?”
OPINIONS isn’t that scary, either: “I just think that my new supervisor is out to get me. She never smiles and nothing I do is right!”
But it’s really in the FEELINGS and NEEDS that we become vulnerable.
“I’m scared that my boss is going to think that the supervisor is right. What if no one recognizes what I’m doing? I just feel so drained when I go to work now, and I’m not sure how much longer I can take this.”
Or NEEDS:
“I want to feel like what I’m doing makes a difference. Lately it’s been so hard to get out of bed because I don’t know if anyone even notices my contributions. What if God is disappointed in me, too? I need to know that someone smiles over me.”
Now, think about how a marriage will be if all of the communication is at the FACTS level. The couple may talk a lot–but they don’t really know each other any better.
And sometimes we think that by sharing opinions we’re really opening up. But we’re not. Opinions are safe–it’s feelings that are vulnerable. It’s feelings that reveal what’s really going on inside of you.
The problem is that many couples never really learned how to live comfortably at levels 4 and 5. In fact, in the book Kiss Me Again, Barbara Wilson talks about how the level of emotional intimacy we’ve reached when we start to become sexually involved tends to be the level we’re stuck at–unless we take specific steps to overcome that. So couples who have sex early in their relationship end up substituting physical intimacy for emotional intimacy, and have a hard time progressing now into emotional vulnerability because they’ve done things backwards.
That’s one of the reasons that God wants us to wait for marriage to make love!
So some couples may never reach levels 4 and 5 to begin with, and others may have been there, but then seasons of busy-ness come and they start staying at facts and opinions. They don’t have time to become vulnerable.
It’s that sharing of vulnerability, though, that will help you feel close, and here’s why: there are very few people that we actually get down to communication levels 4 and 5 with.
And we tend to bond with those individuals. So you want to make sure that one of those people is your husband! If you’re not sharing at these levels with your husband, then it’s all too easy to get caught up in an emotional affair with someone else. Being vulnerable makes us feel close and increases intimacy–whether within marriage or outside of it. So make sure it’s within marriage!
I know, though, that many of you struggle with this.
You’d like to get to deeper levels of communication, but how do you just begin the conversation?
Hermann Kuschke developed an app called Dare2Share which can help guide you through the different levels of communication. He sent me some codes so that my assistant Tammy could try it with her husband and I could try it with mine, and I was really impressed. In the app there are over 200 conversation prompts that help you learn more about your spouse. (It’s also available for Android, but I’m a Mac person and don’t know where to find that link. But if you search for Dare2Share you’ll find it!)
He suggests beginning each conversation by getting a cup of coffee and sitting together–but you can go for a walk, too. Here are pics from the iPad version:
Then the conversation starts. Each “conversation” has 5 screens, or 5 parts to the question, that you talk to your spouse about. Everyday you share your day–so you do “card 1″ everyday–and then you add more cards each time.
Card 1 starts with telling you to share, and then explains how:
It’s such a SIMPLE thing, sharing your day. But how many of us do it well? I think having specific conversation prompts can help us do that!
Now at this point we’re only sharing our day, and chances are you’re still at the “facts” level. But as you get better, when you share your high point and your low point hopefully you’ll start to share feelings as well.
Then you move on to the next conversation prompts. These usually start with a personal experience from the app couple who wrote it, to set the stage, and then progress to the questions.
At the beginning of the app the questions are pretty basic–they’re focused on sharing facts and opinions, and they’re not that vulnerable.
But as you progress through the pages, you’ll be sharing more and more personal things, and you’ll find that you progress through the levels of communication so that you know each other even better. They even explain the levels of communication, too:
My assistant Tammy has been married to her husband Steeve for 23 years. He works in a counseling role, so he’s quite used to things like emotional intimacy. But they both found this challenging and enhancing anyway!
I think this is an excellent model. If you aren’t in the habit of really opening up, going straight to deeply personal questions about fears and dreams can feel fake–because it is. You can’t just jump to level 5. You have to do the work on earlier levels first, so that you have that foundation.
Sometimes we just don’t ask the right questions, and we just don’t know our spouses as well as we could.
I really believe that if we were more intentional about communicating at some of these deeper levels that even when the inevitable seasons of distance come, our marriages could withstand them. We’d still feel intimate and vulnerable with each other. But if all we’re doing is communicating facts and opinions–well, you can do that with anyone. And then what is going to make you want to be with your husband especially? What makes him stand out? Nothing.
So talk to your husband about trying the Dare2Share app, or something like it. Learn more about him–like what he wanted to be when he was 8; what was his worst nightmare; what happened after his first crush. Find out what his dreams and passions are; what things God has put on his heart. And share with him what God has put on yours. Feel close again–and then that’s sure to ignite the sexual side of your marriage, too!
In fact, that’s what Hermann suggests. Some of the exercises AFTER the conversations, as you get more vulnerable, are more sexual! But isn’t that what marriage and intimacy are all about?
Find out more about Dare2Share, or
Now it’s your turn! Have something to share with us about marriage? Leave the URL in the linky below, and then be sure to link back here so that others can read these great posts, too!
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April 28, 2015
5 Ways to Pray for Your Husband
The email read as follows: “Hey Jared, can you write an article called ‘5 Ways to Pray for Your Husband?’”
I thought about it for a moment, then laughed out loud. How was I supposed to know five ways to pray for a husband? I’ve never been married to a dude.
Yep, I’m that slow.
It eventually dawned on me that I’d been given a wonderful opportunity. The opportunity to answer an entirely different question:
“What are five ways that my wife can pray for me?”
That I can do.
1. People
Ladies, I’ll be honest: we boys don’t play well with others.
There’s a reason why most of our fathers are lone rangers, who don’t have any close male friends. It’s hard to be open, honest, and understanding.
Pray that we’d find ways to cultivate and maintain a ‘band of brothers,’ a group of godly men with whom we can share life. This will massively impact our entire existence, and it’ll overflow into our ability to be a good husband and father.
2. Purity
If you ever meet a man that says he doesn’t struggle with lust, just run. It really is ‘every man’s battle.’
We love our spouses – deeply – and it’s that bond of love that keeps most of us ‘walking the line.’ But your prayers are what keep us pursuing an even higher standard. The sin nature is strong, and we need the spiritual support to purpose that intimate oneness that God invites us into, together.
3. Pride
It’s not that we’re right every time, but it’s really close. Our opinion is the most accurate, our political position is the right one, our belief system is the most true. It’s ugly, really. I don’t know where our deep need to always be right comes from, but it’s certainly anti-Jesus.
Pray that we’d allow the Holy Spirit to turn our hearts of stone into hearts of flesh, that we’d care more about ‘His kingdom come’ than ‘our will be done.’
4. Passion
Guys get loud when they watch NFL or UFC, but have you ever seen that happen during a Sunday church service? We’re dying here.
Pray that churches would find ways to reach men. Pray that godly grizzlies would seek us out and mentor us. Pray that churches would get creative with adding movement and action to the standard contemplative rhythms of the modern meeting.
5. Purpose
There’s a reason why so many guys play video games – we’re looking for a mission. For the most part, our 9-5 is killing us. We crave meaning and purpose, more than you can imagine. But we’re stuck.
Pray that we’d have the energy, endurance, creativity, and will to fight for our dreams and passions. Pray that we’ll enter the fullness of our calling – to do all that we were created to do, and be all that we were created to be.
I’m sure there are hundreds of other things you could pray about for us, that don’t start with the letter P, but we’ll save them for another day.
Oh, and one more thing that us guys usually aren’t very good at doing..
Thanks for praying for us.
Don’t just read this list! Save it so you can use it. Pin it or share it on Facebook!
Jared is the author of A Year of Living Prayerfully, a humorous travel memoir about prayer. He is the cofounder of Hope for the Sold, an abolitionist charity that fights human trafficking one word at a time. and he has written for Huffington Post, Esquire, Converge, and Relevant. Jared is happily married to his best friend, Michelle, whom he first kissed in the seventh grade.
The post 5 Ways to Pray for Your Husband appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.
April 27, 2015
I Actually Drank This–And What It Taught Me
So true story: Last Saturday night (like eight days ago) I landed in the Toronto airport late at night after having spent an amazing week speaking throughout Arizona.
But all day I had been battling quite the headache. I don’t handle changes in pressure from airline travel well, and combine that with the fact that I’ve been clenching my jaw at night, making for some tension headaches to begin with, and I was not in a Happy Place.
I picked up my luggage, which included a huge suitcase, a computer, and this mega huge golf bag which held the banner for my Girl Talk, and waited for the airport shuttle (which took 25 minutes) to take me back to where my car was.
Lugged that stuff up four flights in the parking garage, found my car in the dark, somehow managed to push that golf bag in, and then thought about the 2 hour drive I had home. And I knew I could not do that without fortification (namely Advil).
But I also didn’t have anything to drink, nor did I have the energy to find a corner store. So I searched under the seats and in the crevices of my van, and Hallelujah! I found an old water bottle that was still full. So I downed two Advils and headed home.
Thursday night, five days later, my daughter and I are in the car heading to the 100 Huntley Street headquarters for a Women in Music and Media networking event. I wanted Katie (my YouTube daughter) to meet the amazing gals there–Anne Mainse and Moira Brown, and we did.
But as we’re driving, Katie holds up the water bottle and comments, “boy this water looks gross.”
Then she flips the bottle and there’s algae on the bottom.
And I drank that.
No wonder I’ve felt so queasy for a week!
All week I was also telling you about the Ultimate Homemaking Bundle (watch the skilled way I transition here; you will be amazed and astounded. 
). And one thing that really hit me was that often I don’t realize how toxic my environment is.
Certainly there’s my environment-environment–the air I breathe, the food I eat, the chemicals on my clothes, and, of course, the algae in my water.
And you’ll learn with this Bundle how to create a HEALTHY Home–without going overboard on all the hype. There’s a lot of hype out there scaring us about all kinds of things. This ecourse tells you which claims have scientific backing, which ones don’t, and where you get the most bang for your buck.
It normally sells for $97–so if you buy the Bundle, it’s like you’re getting that course for 66% off, but then you’re also getting 99 other resources!
But it’s not just about our physical environment. It’s also the “feel” of my home that I, as the mom, tend to set up. Is home cuddly or chaotic? Nurturing or nerves-inducing? And how do we make home something that is relaxing and life-giving without wearing ourselves out in the process?
I shared with you last Tuesday ten books that did that for me–ten homemaking hacks that I really appreciated! But there are so many others–books on meal planning, mothering, passing on your faith to your kids, enriching your own faith, saving money, cleaning, and more. I’m partial to the organizing books and printables, and these ones alone are worth more than the cost of the bundle, too:
If you’ve already bought a bundle in the past, I understand. I’ve been part of five bundle sales, so I have a LOT of ebooks. But what I find with each Bundle is that there’s something new–some tip that really will change EVERYTHING. This time around it was learning how to organize myself paperlessly, and that was so worth it. I never would have thought to buy that book on its own, but when I read it in the Bundle, I was like: “Why didn’t I think of this before?” But last Bundle it was something else.
And remember–the bonuses are all new! And you get a designer scarf valued at $20; a physical book of your choice from Tyndale; an art print; registration in a Craftsy class to improve your craft skills (go for the knitting ones!), and so much more.
And it makes a great Mother’s Day gift!
But it’s all over tonight at midnight EST. And then it’s gone.
I’ll be talking more this week about how not to be toxic in your marriage–how to pray for your husband; how to avoid seasons of distance; how to stay close and healthy. And I’m looking forward to those posts!
But for today, I am excited about this last chance to offer you the bundle. I do get a percentage of your sales (which go towards bringing an assistant with me when I speak so I don’t have to lug all that stuff by myself), but I also participate in these sales just because I love them. I’m like a kid in a candy store when I get to go through all the resources! Here’s one more look at them all:
Don’t miss it! It will be gone soon.
P.S. Don’t forget to email me your receipt if you’ve bought the Bundle from me! I’ve got a great contest going on where you can win one of these awesome prizes–including dinner with me!
Have a great week!
The post I Actually Drank This–And What It Taught Me appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.
April 24, 2015
Permission to Not Be a Perfect Mother
Those who are “holiest” are those who have the strictest interpretation of things. And somehow then it becomes incumbent on other Christians to never present an alternative view.
I’ve talked about this in the past with regards to dating. My mom was a teenager in the 1950s and 1960s when it was NORMAL to date a whole bunch of people–even in her conservative Mennonite town. The thought of saving kissing until the wedding wasn’t even really talked about.
Today the most “Christian” thing is not to date–but to court. And not to kiss until the wedding. To emulate the Duggars (though they were not the first to do this).
I am absolutely NOT saying that there is anything wrong with this model. I know so many who have followed it and are in wonderful marriages. I do believe, though, that it is entirely up to you–it’s between you and God. I don’t think that it makes you more of a Christian to save your kiss to your wedding–though I do believe that some couples really benefit from this. I also believe some couples benefit by NOT saving it.
But here’s what happens: once this idea enters the consciousness, then people stop talking about any other model of dating because they don’t want to seem less Christian. So all of a sudden it seems like EVERYBODY is courting/saving kissing, and then it’s easy to feel inferior.
In truth, a very small minority does.
We see this in other areas as well. A good Christian watches absolutely no media unless it’s Christian media. A good Christian doesn’t listen to the radio. A good mom doesn’t go on Facebook during the day. A good mom doesn’t let her kids eat Kraft Dinner. Ever. A good mom doesn’t use birth control. And so on. And so on.
And blogs start talking about these things, and then writers are afraid to be real and Instagram their true pictures of “what I fed my kids for breakfast” (which in my case, all too often involved chocolate cake. They saw me eating it, after all; it only seemed fair to share).
What if you’re allowed to be you?
What if you don’t have to live up to some rules and follow some pattern of parenting to the letter? What if you’re allowed to make your own way?
Wouldn’t that be FREEDOM?
I want to tell you today about the Steady Mom’s Freedom Guide, which is an awesome book that’s part of The Ultimate Homemaking Bundle.
Sometimes when we hear about homemaking advice, we think it’s all going to be of the don’t-ever-feed-your-kids-crap-get-perfectly-organized-so-you’re-absolutely-perfect variety. And, of course, the author’s version of perfect is stifling.
What if you’re not like that?
Jamie Martin gets that. In her book, Jamie admits that she lets her kids watch a bit of TV. She doesn’t focus on discipline–she tries to distract her kids and interact with them first, to avert the need to discipline in the first place. She sometimes doesn’t get the housework done, and she doesn’t get through her to-do list.
She concludes like this:
Maybe children aren’t meant to be solved like mathematical equations. Maybe, just maybe, the life of a human being, the life of a family, can’t be encapsulated in a bullet-point list of how-to’s.
And that’s why I’m done.
Done with theories, formulas, and labels. Utterly, completely, lavishly dependent on grace.
Labels hurt us and our children, even if never spoken aloud. We limit their future, their genius by projecting limiting thoughts and ideas over them.
I’m giving up all of it. It adds nothing to our family, but takes plenty away.
Today and forever, I paste these labels over me and my family, over you and yours: Mother
Child
Grace
Love
Enough.
I think that’s beautiful!
And I want to assure you that THIS freedom is what I want for you in your home–with homemaking, with parenting, with marriage.
It isn’t about living up to someone else’s ideal (even MINE! ). It’s about figuring out who you are, and who your husband is, and who God made your kids to be, and listening to advice, and then tailoring it to meet your own family. You don’t have to look like anyone else. There is no “one way” to be a perfect Christian mom. There are thousands. Millions. And they all involve just listening to God.
Take just one example. I’m a big believer that kids should not sleep in their parents’ beds. You will never have as good a sex life with your kids in bed with you as you would without your kids there, even if you get creative. And since sex is so key to keeping a marriage together, and since it’s such a challenge when the kids are little, I think teaching the kids to sleep on their own is a great service to them and to the parents.
I absolutely believe this.
But you know what? You don’t have to do what I say. I hope you listen to my reasons and think about it and pray about it. But it is YOUR family. And you and your husband have the right to make that decision together. I am not God to you.
And that’s how so much advice is set up: like there is one perfect way to be a Proverbs 31 woman.
There isn’t.
And so I want to assure you about something today with the Ultimate Homemaking Bundle. There are 97 resources–that can seem overwhelming. Are they all going to try to turn you into Martha Stewart? Into the Duggars? Into Sheila?
No. Not at all. I hope what they’ll do is give you tools to be a better YOU.
Here’s why I love bundles: it’s like a big grab bag, where you reach in and you’re never sure what you’re going to get. My friend Susan loves buying those $2 grab bags the drug store sells, because there’s always some cute makeup or chocolates or something they’re trying to get rid of. Sometimes the lipstick colour is awful. Sometimes the nail polish just isn’t you. But there’s always SOMETHING, and you never know what that something is going to be until you open it.
A number of people have asked: Is this the same as the bundle I bought last year? NO! It’s all NEW resources! Every Bundle is ALWAYS unique. So fun!
That’s how I attack these bundles when I get them (and I LOVE them!). I skim it all, put the books I know just “aren’t me” into a giveaway folder, but then I give myself half an hour a night to read through the ones that ARE me. I try to do the courses that apply to me one by one (right now I’m working through the 14 Days to a Better Neck video course because my posture is so bad that my neck is really bad!). And inevitably I find a way to be a better me.
You see, the books don’t all teach the exact same approach–because we all have different personalities, different homes, different circumstances. But they’re full of awesome ideas, and you are free to pick and choose. It’s okay. You don’t have to do everything–and it’s okay to say, “this won’t work for our family.”
It’s like I told you on Tuesday–I am gaga over the book Paperless Home Organization. But I know for some of you that would be stifling. But don’t worry–there are tons of printables if you’d rather go that route! It really is okay.
You’re allowed to be you. There is no one-size-fits-all. But you CAN be a better you. I’ve taken so many ideas that I’ve gleaned from bundles in the past (and from this one) and they’ve help me to enjoy my life better and feel like I’m more on top of things.
But I still don’t meal plan. I still don’t do my devotions before breakfast. I still watch Netflix sometimes. When my kids were little, I still tried distraction rather than a 4-point discipline program. I still was my own person.
And you can be, too. There’s freedom in Christ, people, to listen to the Spirit.
But there’s also excitement in the “grab bag”–in sifting through different ideas, holding them up to see if they fit your family, and finding the new tools to be even better.
You even get my audio download of me talking with my husband about sex. It’s a talk we gave at a marriage day a while ago, and you won’t want to miss my husband’s ballroom dancing story!
I love the Bundle–and I hope you will, too!
Remember, the Ultimate Homemaking Bundle is only available until April 27. After that this collection is gone for good! And it’s a great collection–79 ebooks, 20 courses and audio downloads, and over $200 in bonuses!
Or, click here to buy now!
Here’s how you can see what a bargain this is:
Looking just at the resources I’ve mentioned,
14 Days to a Better Neck: $14
Marriage and Sex Download: $3
Steady Mom’s Freedom Guide: $3
Paperless Home Organization: $5
Total: $25
Just those resources alone pretty much come to the price of the bundle. But you get 96 MORE! And that includes freebies, like an actual physical book Tyndale will mail you. A gorgeous new scarf valued at $20. Free enrollment in one of Craftsy’s classes.
Even the Healthy Home ecourse–valued at $95!
So it really is a great deal. And you can use it however YOU want. Customize it to help YOU. Because you really are good enough!
The post Permission to Not Be a Perfect Mother appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.
April 23, 2015
When Faith is Hard: Believing God Wants the Best for You
It’s that secret fear that lurks in our hearts–that many of us carry around with us.That fear that even though we have may have smiles on our faces in church, and we may say, “God bless you!” when someone sneezes, and sign off all of our emails with “Blessings!”, deep inside, we wonder if God really does want to bless us.
What if blessings are for everyone else, and for us–God’s just chosen to use us to go through suffering? That somehow He is hurting us deliberately?
I’ve walked through that. When you pour your heart and soul into a project, and give it years of your life, and you just don’t see any fruit. And someone else comes up alongside you and tries something similar, and they take off right away! And you think: Did I even hear God right? Does God even want me to succeed?
Or when all of your friends around you are getting married, and you’re still single, and you know you’re supposed to say, “God, you’re enough, and I’m so excited to learn what you have for me during this season of your life.” But you’re not excited. You’re sad. And you’re lonely. And you’re scared.
Or when your marriage starts to go sour, and you can’t figure out why God isn’t blessing you when you did everything right. You believed in Him. You went to church. You sang hymns at your wedding. And now your husband is distant, and you’re afraid to check his phone because of what you might find.
Does God hear? Does God care?
I think most of us go through this far more than we care to admit. And here’s a problem: We don’t talk about it enough. I’ve been in so many churches where the sermons never get to the meaty issues we’re dealing with. They talk about Bible stories but never apply it to anything modern we might be walking through. They stress salvation–which is great–but leave out anything beyond that. If every message ends up being a salvation message, what do we do if we’re already saved, but we’re lonely, scared, and defeated?
To tell you the truth, I battle with discouragement a lot, and it’s tiring to always hear that God loves you. I know that–but my deeper heart cry is, “but does God want good for me here?” I’m willing to serve even if He doesn’t–He’s God, and that’s His prerogative–but sometimes I just want to know.
I read a beautiful ebook devotional recently, called Trust Without Borders, that dealt with this reality we all fight with periodically (It’s part of the Ultimate Homemaking Bundle this week). Here’s just an excerpt from an early entry:
William reasoned, “I think I’m one of those that have to be slaughtered for someone else to be saved. You know, like in the book of Job, all his children were killed for Job to see and know God better. God’s going to do what God wants to do and I’m one not intended for His blessing.”
He stops for a bit, then continues. “I’m okay with it if that’s the way it’s supposed to be.”
My heart is shattered and I can’t believe what I’m hearing. “I’m not one of the elect,” he concludes.
Steve chimes in. “I feel the same way. What if I’m an Esau? You know the part that says, ‘Jacob have I loved, Esau have I hated’?”
We sit there sort of stunned. Jackson, my husband, turns to me because he knows me. He asks, “Do you want to share anything?”
Yes, I do want to say something. It’s burning within me. It’s so close to my heart, my breathing shallows and my pulse pounds and oh, I get this.
“There’s a reason he asked if I want to say something,” I begin, trying to catch my breath. “It’s because he knows I’ve struggled with the same things.”
Do you ever wonder that? If you’re someone who has to be slaughtered so someone else can be blessed?
I’ve thought that about my son who passed away. God has used Christopher’s story so much, and it’s a key part even of my Girl Talk presentation I give about sex and marriage–but there’s a pain every time I tell his story. It’s not just because I miss him; it’s because I wonder: am I using his memory? Did God just bring Christopher to touch others? Did his life matter? And it’s tough. It’s really tough.
And too often we run away from those questions, because we’re afraid that if we actually start asking them, we won’t like what we find. And this whole tower of faith that we’ve built will come crashing down.
So we ignore it, push it down, paste those smiles on–until something happens and we break in two.
You can’t sustain a faith that can’t sustain questions.
God is big enough to handle your questions. He’s big enough to even handle your anger! I think He’d rather hear your anger than have you stuff it down, offering prayers that aren’t heartfelt. God wants authenticity, even if authenticity is messy.
And so today I invite you to take a journey with Arabah Joy called Trust Without Borders. I’ve been a Christian a long time, and I’ve taught many of the concepts she discusses in her devotional, but nonetheless, God still brought me to tears several times reading it.
Here’s just one more excerpt:
I had downloaded content from the internet, blessed gift, my cord of connection to the outside world. Derwin Gray was sharing his testimony, but it was God who had a message for me. The words that came from Derwin’s mouth pierced such that they lodged in my memory. Any momma realizes how significant that is for the mommy brain who’d just put the cheese in her purse instead of in the fridge. And Derwin Gray, on that stifling hot night a world away, said, “A false god is never satisfied.”
Six simple words had never rocked my world before like these words did. Piercing, shaking me up, turning me inside-out to expose what I already suspected: the god I worshiped, the one I thought was God Almighty, may not be the One True God. Just like the disciples walked with Jesus but didn’t know Him. Just how God’s people in Isaiah didn’t know their Redeemer. Maybe, just maybe, I didn’t really know God either.
Can we be Christ followers but not God knowers?
Like Philip, I knew what every other Christ follower knows about God. I could quote verse after verse and understood Jesus to be the Messiah, the Son of God. But in the gut, the soul, despite all my knowledge, I didn’t understand the heart of God. I didn’t trust His intentions. When the winds blew (and they did) and the earth shook (and it did), I wasn’t so sure God would come through for me.
I think a lot of us are the walking wounded. We want to love God, but we don’t really know Him.
We can’t trust–or our trust only goes so far. We trust that God will do what’s good for God. We don’t trust that He’ll do what’s good for us.
If you’re there today, I hear you. I have been there too. I’ve been there at 2:30 a.m. in a hospital waiting room when they brought the body of my son out to me. I’ve been there on a sunny May day when my one true love left me before my wedding. I’ve been there in the middle of the night when two newlyweds just could not figure out how to get past the hurt feelings. I’ve been there when one of your children starts questioning some of the things you did a a parent.
And it hurts. And it’s hard.
And that’s okay–because it’s also real. And we should never run away from what is real. Give it to God instead, even if it’s scary.
If you’re floundering, please read this devotional, and pray over it. It’s filled with stories that bring the message home, and it’s an easy read. But it’s a deep read.
You can get Trust Without Borders on its own, but it’s also part of the Ultimate Homemaking Bundle sale going on this week–a collection of 79 ebooks, plus 20 ecourses and audio downloads, plus $200 worth of bonuses, $1274 in all–for just $29.97.
On Tuesday I told you about some of the “fun” parts of the bundle–the homemaking hacks that can make life easier for you.
But that’s not all there is. There are also these gems that I know will challenge your faith and affirm your God, taking you deeper into His presence. And sometimes that’s what we all need–far more than pasting another smile onto our faces.
Don’t lose track of God in the busy-ness. That’s often when He wants to speak with us.
You get all of these–and some will be fun. But some will be life changing. In a very good way.
Don’t miss it! It all goes away on Monday, April 27, at midnight EST.
May God use these resources to help you know it’s OKAY to have doubts. It’s OKAY to not be perfect. And He really will meet you where you’re at–even in your mess.
The post When Faith is Hard: Believing God Wants the Best for You appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.
April 22, 2015
Wifey Wednesday: Why is it So Hard to Connect?
Pastor and life coach Chuck Taylor has written a fun and easy-to-follow book called The Connection Principle, which outlines three communication tools for getting what you want in your marriage. It’s part of the Ultimate Homemaking Bundle, which is on sale until April 27, and I really enjoyed reading it!
I talk a lot about how to be giving in marriage on this blog: How to love your husband, think about his needs, and do the right thing.
But let’s be honest: sometimes focusing on what he needs feels really lonely. It just does. And what if you’re feeling more and more distant?
That’s where reality hits, and Chuck really gets it. It’s not wrong to want to feel close to your husband. It’s not wrong to want to feel as if he loves and values you.
But what IS wrong is often how we go about trying to get those feelings. And too often we don’t understand that sometimes all it takes is a little tweak in our communication patterns to bring a whole new dynamic to a marriage.
As Shaunti Feldhahn reminded us earlier this year in her book The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages (our April selection!), in over 90% of marriages your husband wants the best for you. He really does. So if you’re feeling unloved, chances are it’s not that he doesn’t love you. It’s simply that you’re not communicating well.
Here’s how Chuck explains the Communications Gap:
The communication gap in marriage happens when we fail to communicate our intentions or expectations and instead assume the other person just somehow automatically understands fully what we want them to know…
The gap feels like the moment that you want your husband to talk to you after a long day at work, but he instead retreats to the TV and you are left feeling neglected. Or maybe your wife stays up all night checking in on everyone on Facebook world while you are left wondering if she even finds you attractive anymore.
The communication gap is the poison that slowly kills marriages.
So how do you bridge it?
Three steps: Confirm the Information; Connect Value with the Individual; and Convey Your Thoughts.
The first step is listening well–your spouse wants something or says something, and you want to make sure both that you understood what they were saying, and that they KNOW you understood it. Simple things that can feel “fake” actually make a huge difference here–repeating what they said; rewording what they said; etc.
And conveying your thoughts–the last one–also feels “funny”, but it really works! It’s about asking in a way that the other person hears–and checking in throughout the conversation to ensure that they “got it”.
We tend not to like these because they make conversations seem mechanical. Where’s the flow? Where’s the spontanaeity? Where’s feeling as if he’s reading my mind and we’re in sync with each other?
But as Chuck says,
I will ask the woman, “Do you want a marriage that is full of exciting mystery or do you want a good marriage that is free of conflict?” It is incredibly difficult to have both simultaneously.
So true!
But it’s the middle step I really want to talk about today, because it’s the one we have the most problems with.
Whenever you are talking, make sure you convey to your husband that you think he’s valuable.
Let him see what you appreciate! Again, one of the best habits to develop is to learn to say “thank you”. To a guy, that has the same emotional punch as “I love you” to a woman.
But let’s take it one step further. And to do that, I want to share the story Chuck told about Jerome and Alicia:
Jerome and Alicia came to me to improve their moderately successful marriage by defining their family values with cooperative expectations. As we discussed the areas they wanted to improve, Alicia expressed that she wanted Jerome to just do things around the house without being told what to do and how to do it. I asked her to give me an example of what that might look like.
“Well, the dishes are a great example. It’s not like he can’t see the dishes sitting in the sink. He has to look at them or even move them out of the way to fix his food or get a drink. Why can’t he just stop and put them in the dishwasher?” she shrieked.
“Does he know how to clean to your specifications?” I asked.
“Yes. When I tell him to.” Alicia replied.
“And what do you say when he does do the dishes?” I asked.
“Well, I say thank you.” Assuming I expected her to respond with more than that, she continued, “What? I’ve gotta say something more than that?” Alicia looked frustrated.
So to make my point I asked,
“Alicia, picture an evening when Jerome has just finished the dishes to your satisfaction. Now, tell me which of these statements sounds better to you? ‘Thank you Jerome’ or ‘Wow, now that looks like a great kitchen! I am so glad to have a husband that is willing to help around the house. I am so grateful to have a man like you with me. Thank you, babe.’”
At this point Jerome was grinning from ear to ear. Clearly I had discovered the message he had been looking to hear for a long time.
“I need to say that every time he does something around the house?” Alicia shrieked again.
“No. But you came in here with the goal of having a great marriage. Do you really want a great marriage or do you just want a good marriage?” I asked.
“No. No. You are right. I want a great marriage,” she replied.
I have to admit: I don’t do this enough. I guess part of me, like Alicia, assumes Keith should just “know”.
But what would happen if we did? What would happen if we started heaping real praise onto our husbands? Would that change the whole communication dynamic? I think it would.
And so I’m going to try to be far more intentional about what I say to Keith.
Yes, we want communication to be “natural”. But maybe we’re valuing the natural too much? What if quality communication is something that has to be learned–and practiced?
How can you intentionally go about communicating value to your husband today?
In The Connection Principle, Chuck has tons of discussion questions and challenges for couples, so this is a great book to read WITH your husband. Lots of tips for him, too, on how to communicate better with you!
And this book is part of the Ultimate Homemaking Bundle. It’s one of the marriage resources you get when you buy the bundle–in fact, you get 79 ebooks and 20 ecourses and audio downloads (including one of mine on sex!) when you purchase it.
And it’s just $29.97 for the whole thing–but only until Monday at midnight EST.
I really enjoyed this bundle. To be honest, I didn’t like EVERY book, but with so many in it, I don’t have to! There were more than enough that I really enjoyed. And as I told you yesterday, the Paperless Home Organization book changed my life. Seriously.
I think this is a great resource. And if the only thing you get out of it is this short, easy to read book you can work through with your hubby (or read on your own), it’s well worth it! Your marriage will thank you (and so will your hubby!)
Click here for more info about the bundle.
Now it’s your turn! Do you have any marriage advice for us today? Enter the link to your marriage post in the linky below! And be sure to link back here so other people can see these awesome posts!
Marriage isn't supposed to be blah!
Sex is supposed to be stupendous--physically, emotionally, AND spiritually.
If it's not, get The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex--and find out what you've been missing.
The post Wifey Wednesday: Why is it So Hard to Connect? appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.
April 21, 2015
Top 10 Homemaking Hacks for the Not-So-Perfect Homemaker
You’re allowed to have laundry that’s not folded.
You’re allowed to sometimes feed your kids McDonald’s.
Homemaking well is not about being perfect–it’s about creating a home that is fun, nurturing, and chaos-minimized. (click to tweet).
And so today I’d like to share 10 Homemaking Hacks for not-so-perfect homemakers–hacks that can make what you do everyday easier and far less stressful!
All of these hacks I learned from the Ultimate Homemaking Bundle–a sale of over 79 ebooks and 20 other courses and downloads that can help you on your homemaking journey. And the Bundle is on sale right now until next Monday for just $29.97! It’s so worth it.
Here’s why:
1. Paperless Home Organization
Here’s the book I was telling you about yesterday–the book that changed my life.
I’m not even kidding. I got access to the bundle about three weeks before it went live, so that I had a chance to go through all the books. And I read this book. And then I didn’t sleep. All night. I just lay there, wide awake, picturing how awesome it would be if I actually implemented her system.
Finally, at 4:00 a.m. I gave up trying to sleep, got up, and actually set it all up! And now I use it everyday.
Here’s what you do: You use three main online (free!) programs: Gmail, Evernote, and Remember the Milk (an awesome task reminder program). All of these can also be synced onto your phones and devices.
Then you set up checklists in Evernote for your daily activities, and you enter special things in Remember the Milk. I’ve got reminders for everything in there–that I have to change the furnace filter every 2 months (seriously, we’ve had to call the furnace repair people 3 times in the last decade just because I forget to change the furnace filter), reminders for when bills are due, reminders for what projects I have to get done for my daughter’s wedding, and more.
Here’s what I love: she shows you how to use both Evernote and Gmail so that things automatically get saved and filtered, without you having to use a whole lot of words or remember where you filed something. It’s easy to retrieve again, and it’s ever so easy to check on your to-do list. It’s not like you need 23 different tags and 32 different notebooks. Not at all. It’s really simple. It took me about an hour and a half to set everything up.
So now everyday I scan papers I need to scan, save them in Evernote, and I don’t need to keep notes anywhere anymore. And I always have my to do list and reminders with me! It’s awesome.
One of my big problems is that I have so many things that I’m trying to remember and hold in my head at one time. And I’m always thinking, “I can’t forget that!” But that’s stressful.
This way, I know I’ll remember. It takes less than 15 seconds to set up a reminder and to plan when I’ll do it, and now I don’t have to constantly feel I’m going to forget something.
You’ll Save: Late fees on your bills–and lots of stress and tension because you don’t have to remember anything anymore. The computer does it for you!
2. Backwards Meal Planning
A perfect homemaker has a 2-week meal plan all ready to go, with a grocery list completed, before she heads out to the store.
I’ve never been that organized.
So when I read Backwards Meal Planning, I thought–finally! Someone who gets ME! Sometimes we run to the store because it’s the only time we have free all week, and we don’t have time to plan first, so we just buy what’s on sale and what tickles our fancy. And then what do we do?
This book shows you how you can go grocery shopping FIRST–and then figure out, from what’s in your fridge, cupboard, and freezer, how you can come up with a menu. It’s simple! Just keep track of your favourite meals for each ingredient, learn how to substitute easily, and brainstorm on pretty printables!
You’ll Save: 20% on your grocery bill, if you stick to what’s on sale instead of what’s on your grocery list.
3. Budgeting for Yearly Expenses–When You Need a Monthly Budget
Here’s problem #1: you’re preparing a monthly budget, but you don’t have a monthly income. Let’s say you’re self-employed and you have no idea how much money you’ll actually make each month.
Here’s problem #2: You budget for insurance, transportation, food, mortgage, etc., etc., but you forget that in the summer the kids have to go to summer camp. And next year you’re going to need to buy a new car. So you think you have a budget that’s reasonable, but when summer comes, there’s no money for camp.
In Build a Budget That Works, Jessi Fearon shows how to budget for yearly expenses, or even every-few-years expenses, so that the money is there when you need it. And she hows you how to compensate if you don’t get paid on a regular or predictable basis.
But there’s still problem #3: You know you need to put away $50 a month for summer camp, but WHERE do you actually put that $50? You can’t create 20 bank accounts for all your different yearly expenses.
So Jessi shows how to keep track of how much you’ve saved for each thing, while still keeping it in your chequing account. And she shows you how to make sure you don’t inadvertently use that money you’ve earmarked for something else!
So it really is a budget that works–with lots of worksheets and printables so that you’re not caught unprepared.
You’ll Save: Interest payments from going into overdraft–and you’ll end up saving money, too!
4. Make Your Own Laundry Detergent
Several of the books in the bundle have different recipes, but all are super easy. You can make them with your kids–and then your kids may be more eager to help with laundry, too!
You’ll save: The author of DIY Natural Cleaners puts it this way: “The average American family does 400 loads of laundry a year. This will save you $0.17 a load, for a total of $68 of savings in a year–and that’s only 1 of 60 plus recipes!”
5. Make the Most of Daily Activities to Teach About Jesus
A Perfect Homemaker has family devotions every night, teaching her children a verse a week, doing crafts to learn a Bible story, and creating object lessons to drive the point home.
An imperfect homemaker simply looks for things that are happening around her–like seeing a squirrel gathering nuts, or seeing a crying baby, or seeing a sunset–to bring Jesus into the conversation naturally. Without a curriculum. Without crafts. And without preparation.
You can introduce your child to Jesus without a lot of fuss, because Jesus is just a natural part of your life, too! So learn how to make Him a natural part of your conversation with your kids.
You’ll save: A lot of guilt thinking you’re not doing a good enough job as a parent! And you’ll feel empowered.
6. DIY Breakfast Station
A perfect homemaker gets up 45 minutes early to cook a hot breakfast for her husband and her children, which they all eat while sitting down around a table with napkins in their laps.
An imperfect homemaker sets up a DIY breakfast station, with healthy food kids can stick in the microwave by themselves if they want, along with cold food they can grab in a hurry. Kids as young as 6 can make their own breakfast–while you run around trying to get everyone out the door!
Sounds much more like me.
I LOVE these recipes–and it comes with printables you can put on your breakfast burritos, muffins, crepes, or energy balls. So easy–and really fun for kids, who can choose what they want without bugging you.
You’ll save: Aggravation. Time. And money because you won’t take them to the drive-thru in desperation on the way to church or school!
7. Know How to Find Pics of Your Kids with Buck Teeth
A perfect homemaker scrapbooks her kids’ lives on a weekly basis, printing out the important photos and decorating them.
An imperfect homemaker goes through her pictures, throws out a ton of them, decides it’s okay to keep some in a shoebox, but organizes most online so that she can find them quickly–even if she never decorates them or prints them out.
I’ve hired my youngest daughter to scan all of our family pictures, and then throw away the hard copies of ones that aren’t worth saving, so that we can locate any pics, any time. We want to have everything at our fingertips so we can create slide shows for my older daughter’s wedding.
Organizing your pictures is just one of the 52 projects in One Bite at a Time–one of my favourite books for making your home more manageable. Each project is practical–and limited in scope so it’s not overwhelming. And they’re fun, too!
You’ll save: A ton on photo albums. And a ton of storage space! We reclaimed a whole bookcase once we got rid of our photo albums. And now our pictures are on those digital frames that switch every few seconds. So much more fun!
8. Get Rid of the Drawer Filled with Warranties and Instruction Manuals!
A perfect homemaker tapes all instruction manuals and receipts to the backs of appliances.
An imperfect homemaker stuffs them in a drawer.
But you don’t have to do either! They’re both too much work.
Here’s what you do instead: Like Jessi says in Paperless Home Organization, scan the receipt an warranty and save it in Evernote.
Then, as Elsie Callender says in Your Simple Home Handbook, google the instruction manual when you buy it, and save that link (I’d suggest putting it in the same Evernote note). All instruction manuals are online anyway!
No more bulging drawers!
You’ll save: Space. You get your drawer back. Hassle: If you need to return something, or if something breaks, you can easily put your hands on the receipt and the instructions.
9. Let your kids watch TV, let yourself on Facebook, and don’t always give time outs.
A perfect homemaker has her children play imagination games all day while she cans vegetables and creates lovely crafts. If her children act up, she is swift with the discipline.
But what if that’s exhausting?
Maybe what we need is more grace. A half hour of quality TV or netflix won’t hurt your kids. Looking at Facebook while they play is okay. Using distraction and coaching rather than being a firm disciplinarian is likely a better idea anyway.
I’m dedicating a whole day to talking about this book on Friday, because it’s that good, but today, just a simple word of encouragement: You know your home better than anyone else. You know your kids better than anyone else. In everything, there can be balance. Let love and grace reign, and you all will be okay. You don’t have to be a perfect home; you can just be yourself, and raise your kids to be themselves, and rely on God, and you’ll find life far less stifling.
You’ll save: guilt for not being perfect. Heartache when your kids act up and are angry at you. Frustration for being bored. Learn to live again!
And perhaps most importantly…
10. Managing the Mundane is the Key to Surviving the Insane
A perfect homemaker has a list of every task that needs to be done, all color coded.
An imperfect homemaker knows that there are really only three things that ultimately matter in how your home feels, and it’s these:
If you get these three things under control, everything else will follow. And you’ll feel empowered. You’ll feel like you’re on top of things. Everything will work out!
Holly Dvorak helps you zero in on the necessities, so that you can survive the insane world of mommyhood. And she makes it so super easy. It’s not some major cleaning schedule. It’s just getting the most important stuff done. Like she says, there are two universal truths:
Universal Truth #1: If we don’t eat, we die.
Universal Truth #2: If we leave the house naked, we go to jail.
If you’ve got these covered, you’re good! And she tells you how to, in easy-to-follow steps.
You’ll save: guilt that you don’t have a super-organized cleaning system. Aggravation that there’s nothing for dinner. And anger that your house is always a mess!
That’s it–ten books with great homemaking hacks that don’t make your to-do list longer. They lessen your guilt, simplify your life, and give you breathing space, all so you can:
Work Less. Enjoy Your Family More!
That’s the theme of the Ultimate Homemaking Bundle, and if any of these resonated with you, I encourage you to check it out.
Or, if you’d rather,
See the complete list of books here.
Happy Homemaking!
The post Top 10 Homemaking Hacks for the Not-So-Perfect Homemaker appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.
