Sheila Wray Gregoire's Blog, page 157

When Your Dreams Don’t Come True

Have you ever had dreams that didn’t come true?

Normally on Tuesdays I write Top 10 posts, and I have a whole bunch of sexy top 10 post ideas! But I’m having a really strange week still.

First, I was supposed to record two radio interviews yesterday and today, but I sound like a boy in puberty. I still am a little under the weather, and my voice is awful. So those got cancelled.

Then on Saturday our internet started getting patchy, and we called Bell Canada and they agreed to send us a new modem. Yesterday the internet quit altogether (thankfully after I had my blog post up) and then our phone line went down. So we have no internet and no phone line. I spent much of the day on the phone with Bell Canada super frustrated, and I finally made them agree to pay for extra data on my phone so I could use my phone as a hotspot all day. After you’ve been with a company for 20 years you would think they would be nicer to you. And every time they transferred me to someone else I had to begin my whole story again. Let’s just say that my attitude towards the people on the other end of the line was definitely not Christlike. Not a good day for me.

Needless to say I’m not feeling super creative or super energetic today to write a big marriage post.

But I do have all these thoughts running through my head, so I thought it may be easier for me to share that with you.

First, let me tell you about a sermon I heard on Sunday.

The pastor made the point that there are two kinds of mid-life crises:

Those you have when you realize you’ve reached all your goals–so now what?
Those you have when you realize that you will never reach all your goals

And I thought about that second one–when you realize that all the dreams and goals you have for yourself aren’t going to be fulfilled.

Here’s the main thought: Is it really so bad to have dreams that don’t come true?

Feeling restless today because of big God-dreams that haven't come true? Some thoughts.
Click To Tweet

Let me tell you about two sets of dreams I’ve had.

Dream #1: I wanted to adopt two kids

I remember as a teenager working at summer camps with troubled youth that what I wanted as an adult, more than anything, was to adopt some kids who really needed me. I’d watch movies and read stories about adoption and I would cry and vow to rescue kids.

When I married my husband he wanted the same thing, too. In fact, we made a plan: two of our own, two adopted.

When our girls got to be around 8 and 6 we thought it may be time to start looking at adoption. So we enrolled in the course at our local Children’s Aid society. We took all the training and had the home study done. And then these little foster girls came into Keith’s office (he’s a pediatrician) one day. Keith got to talking with the foster mom. They needed a family so badly. The girls were 8 and 2.

We thought about it and we were so excited! So we took the kids for relief for a few weekends.

And we realized it would never work.

It wasn’t that they weren’t great girls; it’s just that the 8 year old was the same age as Rebecca, and she was just so different. Rebecca was so far ahead of her academically. The comparison would be terrible.

So we knew that if we were ever going to adopt, it would have to be almost as two distinct families, when our own girls were older, because to mix them in would be messy.

We felt a definite “NO” from God.

But by the time the girls got to the age where we could have had two distinct families, I was traveling all the time for speaking. We were taking a lot of missions trips to Africa. And we didn’t feel the same pull.

In fact, I had a distinct message from God when I was speaking one weekend. I was out for a walk on the beach at the retreat centre, and I was pouring out my heart to God about how sad I was that I hadn’t met my dreams. I was 35. I really wanted more kids. And I heard distinct words in my head and heart that God had other plans for me over the next ten years, and that my time as a new mother was over, and that was okay.

Here’s dream #2: We always wanted to spend a protracted time with the girls on the mission field.

Keith and I had always said that we would spend some time overseas with the girls, and in 2002 World Vision sent us a fundraising letter for the Mulli Children’s Family home in Kenya, where they rescued girls from the sex trade (along with other work). It’s home to 800 orphaned and abandoned children, and has rescued more than 4000 over its years. We gave money, and decided then and there that when Rebecca was 13 and Katie was 11 we’d go spend a year helping there.

My mom found out about this, and thought, “there is no way they’re taking my grandchildren to Kenya without me checking it out first.” So in 2004 she headed to MCF herself. She fell in love.

In 2006, our family went to Kenya for the first time ourselves.

It had such an impact on the girls. We spent two weeks there and then one week at a missions hospital to check it out.

Keith and I made plans to spend the school year 2007-2008 in Kenya. He would work at the missions hospital, which was overjoyed to have him come and teach pediatrics for two semesters, and we would take some trips down to the Mulli Children’s Family, too. The girls would go to the missions school that was right at the hospital campus and get to know some missionary kids.

We had been saving the money for years to go. We arranged for him to have a sabbatical from the hospital. We found a family to live in our home. And we applied to the missions organization.

At first they were excited to have us.

But then weird things started to happen. Two representatives came over for dinner one night and made it clear that every missionary under the auspices had certain theological beliefs on what we felt were fringe issues.

Then, every single time that they phoned us our line would go dead.

Then they wanted to send Keith to a different country altogether, where our kids would have to go boarding school away from us. Not going to happen. They relented, but made it clear they weren’t happy with us.

Then our acceptance package arrived in the mail–burned to a crisp. It came in a ziploc bag with a letter from Canada Post saying, “We’re sorry, but the mailbox where this was mailed was set on fire, and this is all that remains.”

We wondered about this. Was it a sign from God?

So we talked to Shaun, a good friend of ours, and asked what he thought.

He said,

If God wanted to give you a sign, what else could he do?

We told the missions agency no. We bought a new house, changed churches, and our lives went in a different direction.

In December of 2007, Kenya had an election. Tribal warfare broke out afterwards. We would have been right in the middle of it. God knew to keep us in Canada.

But we still went back to Kenya–after the violence died down! We’ve been there three times in total.

In 2010 we led a medical missions trip with 7 Christians and 18 not-yet-Christians. And it was the best team we ever led. Eighteen people got to see the gospel in action. They were changed. It was awesome.

My mom has returned seven times since her initial trip in 2004. She’s raised tons of money for them. She’s brought so many people over, leading tons of trips. And she’s introduced many friends to Jesus, too.

And it all started because Keith and I, when the girls were young, decided we wanted to go live there. We didn’t reach our dream, but God still worked because of those dreams. And He did an amazing thing in my mother’s life that would never have happened had we not had those dreams.

What do dreams mean?

I think when we have dreams of what we want to do for God, it simply means that our hearts cry out to be significant. God sees that. God honours that–as if we had actually done it.

Those dreams may come from an honest heart. But they don’t necessarily come from God.

Does that make sense? Just because you have a good dream doesn’t mean that this is God’s will for your life. Now, dreaming something that isn’t God’s will isn’t wrong. Do you remember the story of Paul and his companions in Acts 16:6-9? They had this vision of expanding their preaching, and tried to go to Asia. The Holy Spirit stopped them. So they tried to go somewhere else. Nope. God stopped them there, too.

Then one night Paul has this dream about the man calling him from Macedonia. And they get in a boat, sail to Macedonia, and meet Lydia, the first European convert (who also happened to be a woman who wears purple! I have a commenter called lydia purple who loves that story, too!).

Were they  wrong to try to go to Asia? Were they wrong to go to Bithynia? No, of course not. But that wasn’t what God wanted for them. In making the effort, though, they showed God their willingness to serve Him.

Sometimes we have dreams that are very, very good but aren’t from God.

Sometimes we have dreams that are very, very good--but aren't from God. And that's okay.
Click To Tweet

Just because something isn’t from God doesn’t mean it’s bad; it only means that it may not get done. But God can still use those dreams in our hearts. God used my dreams to help troubled kids by sending us to Africa instead. And ironically, I told my best friend about our dreams and about fostering, and SHE ended up adopting a child from the foster care system.

God used our dreams to take our kids on the mission field to give our children a vision of the world they may not otherwise have had. He took my mom on amazing adventures she may not have had. But our dreams didn’t come true the way we saw them.

I think God wants us to dream dreams and put in effort to meet those dreams–just like Paul and his companions did. And if we’re going in the wrong direction, God will stop us, like He stopped Paul and like He stopped Keith and me. But two things to remember:

If God stops you, it doesn’t mean you dreamed wrong
If your dream doesn’t happen, it doesn’t mean you’ve failed at your life’s purpose

I’ve been trying that read-the-Bible through in a year thing for the last few years, and I’ve been reading it more like stories and less like a Bible study where you pick apart each word. And the thing I notice, over and over again, is how God does speak specific things to people, but He does it very rarely. Maybe once or twice over their entire lives. Other than that, He wants us to figure things out and walk in faith.

Sometimes God speaks extremely specific words into your life.

I have had that happen, and I can’t share it here because it’s not primarily my story. But I can tell you that hearing that very specific thing was different than the dreams I had. Those dreams were out of my heart; they weren’t a word from the Lord. But that doesn’t mean that they were wrong.

What am I trying to say? I guess it boils down to this:

It is good to dream big things for God. It is good to work towards those dreams. But if those dreams don’t happen after you worked and prayed and prepared, then that is because God is honouring the heart behind the dream rather than the dream itself. So don’t feel like you’ve failed. Your job is to dream; it is God’s dream to bring it to fruition. And if it doesn’t happen, it’s only because God has something else.

If your dreams don't come true, it doesn't mean you dreamed wrong. God honors the heart.
Click To Tweet

I hope that makes sense today. I know it’s not my usual post, but seriously–this has been a strange week with my health and the internet and everything. So I’ve been thinking a lot. I’m praying that this was something that somebody needed to hear today!

Have you ever had a dream that didn’t come true? How did you reconcile that with God? Let’s talk in the comments!

 

 

 

The post When Your Dreams Don’t Come True appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

How Do We Talk About Weight in a Healthy Way?

Is it possible to have a conversation about weight in a healthy way?

Every Monday I like to put up a reader question and take a stab at answering it, but today I’ve got one of my own that I wanted to tackle: how can we frame body image issues properly? I really have no idea.

So I’m just going to give maybe a stream of consciousness post of all the things I think about, and then I’m hoping you can all chime in with your opinions! I think this is an important topic, but it’s just so emotionally laden that we don’t cover it well. And I’m not sure what to do with it, so I tend to shy away.

With quaking hands as I’m typing this (because I really don’t want to hurt anyone), let’s take a stab at it.

I’m going to list a whole bunch of truths, and then I’ll ask you all to help me come up with some sort of an approach that encompasses them all. If that’s possible.

Truth #1: Our Society’s View of Body Image is a Prison of Expectations

Here’s how I explain it in my Girl Talk (the talk I give about sex and marriage in churches): Our society has taken sex outside of the marriage relationship, and when you do that, all you have left is the body. It’s not about intimacy or commitment or love; it’s only about pleasure. When you do that, the body takes on far more significance than it ever should have, and that’s why, in our society today, sexy is all that matters.

Our worth is so much in our bodies as women, and our bodies don’t have to just be “beautiful”, they have to be a certain size that really isn’t found in nature very often: large breasts, narrow waist, curvy hips, with no trace of fat or cellulite. Just doesn’t happen.

Especially after you have babies and things are just flabby, even if you’re not carrying extra weight.

And this leads so many women to feeling helpless, and like we’ll never be good enough. It can lead to anorexia. It can lead to self-loathing. It can lead to ridiculous diet trends that are distinctly unhealthy. And it can also lead to women just giving up. They’ll never be good enough, so why try?

Thought #2: The Porn Industry Has Made Men Have Unrealistic Expectations

Combine our general societal push to have a perfect body with the porn industry, and you have the perfect storm of pressure to look a certain way.

As more and more men view porn, more men start to expect a certain body shape. I get so many letters talong the lines of “I’m 125 pounds and keep myself in great shape, but my husband says he isn’t attracted to me anymore because I have a tiny bit of a tummy. And he wants me to get breast implants.” Isn’t that awful?

A lot of women have husbands who tell them they need to lose weight or look a certain way, and it’s downright, well, creepy.

Thought #3: We Should Be Able to Enjoy our Bodies Sexually Without Being a Certain Weight

Nowhere in the Bible is sexual satisfaction combined with a perfect body. Certainly in Song of Solomon the beauty of both the bride and groom are extolled, but if anything, the Bible teaches that we should love our spouses regardless of what happens to their bodies.

Proverbs 5:19 says:

A loving doe, a graceful deer– may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be intoxicated with her love.

And the context is rejoicing in the wife that you have been married to for decades–rejoice in the “wife of your youth”. So God is telling us that we should enjoy ourselves even when our bodies are no longer perfect or no longer young.

Thought #4: Sex is More than Physical

Sex is about so much more than just physical pleasure; it’s a deeply intimate and spiritual experience, too. And, indeed, as I explained in The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, when two people feel spiritually connected, physical pleasure often is enhanced. For women, especially, sexual response seems linked to feeling intimate. So it’s not only about feeling sexy; it’s about feeling close. When we emphasize the physical at the expense of the other, we often lose out on the best aphrodisiac that God’s given us.

Okay, so I believe all those four things with all my heart, and I’ve written posts about each of them at length. But, but, but…there’s another side to it, isn’t there? 

Thought #5: We Are Attracted to the Physical

As much as the physical shouldn’t mean everything, it does mean something, doesn’t it? There’s nothing wrong with being beautiful, after all, and the Bible does talk about women in terms of their beauty (and men, too, by the way!).

And if that’s true, then isn’t part of being a good wife also taking care of your body?

The problem with this line of thinking, of course, is what does that actually mean? Does a good wife have to be a size 6? Or is anything okay except a size 14? Except plus sizes? Of course not. But, but, but…shouldn’t there be something?

I’ve always felt like most guys would be happier with a larger woman who was enthusiastic about sex and willing to initiate than with a smaller woman who kept sex off limits, because “sexy” is still a lot to do with attitude more than anything else, but I do think that keeping ourselves in as good shape as is reasonably possible with our lifestyle is a gift that we can give our husbands.

Should body size matter in marriage? Do we owe it to our spouses to keep weight off?
Click To Tweet

Thought #6: People Who Respect Themselves Tend to Look the Part

Whenever I talk about fighting the frump this is really what I mean. If you respect yourself, then you will tend to dress that way. You will take care in your appearance. Someone who puts on a shirt that flatters and some jewelry and a bit of makeup (or at least brushes their hair) will look like someone who respects themselves far more than someone who puts on yoga pants and an ugly oversized T-shirt. And if you look like you took some care in your appearance, then other people will take you more seriously. If you look like you don’t care, then why should they?

People who don’t take care of their appearance do tend to look like they’re keeping others at arm’s length. The whole “I don’t care what other people think” thing sounds more like an excuse. It’s an “I don’t like my body and I’m insecure and so I’ll just say that it’s other people’s fault” attitude. That’s likely too harsh, and I explain it far better here about fighting the frump. But I do think we can look put together whatever size we are.

Thought #7: Our Bodies Are the Vehicle Through Which We Reach the World

We’re on this earth for a limited time. And the vehicle through which we impact our families, reach the world, and tangibly carry out the Great Commission is through our bodies. We are physical beings.

Thus, the way we treat our physical bodies will have a direct correlation with our ability to be effective on this earth. Obese people tend to die earlier. But they also have a string of health problems throughout their lives which will eat up time and resources and energy that could have been spent elsewhere.

Thought #8: We Owe it to our Kids to Give Them Good Habits

The thing that most correlates with a child being obese is parents being obese. And given the social ramifications and the health ramifications of being obese, we owe it to our kids to instil good habits in them.

I’m just going to be frank here, and mention a very not-so-pretty truth: If you look at the single thirty-somethings in churches, they tend to be a “larger” group than the married ones. I know that’s mean to say, but in my experience I would say that’s true. That doesn’t mean that no heavier people will marry, or that no “lighter” people will be single. It’s only that heavier people are over-represented in the single ranks of young adults. And I would venture to guess that most of them want to be married (at least the ones that I have talked to).

My heart just breaks for these people. I’m one of those annoying matchmaker type people who doesn’t want anyone to be single who doesn’t want to be single. And I’m forever in my head trying to make matches. I so want to see lots and lots of weddings! And when I see College & Careers groups with singles I just get sad, often more than I should (since many of these adults are perfectly at peace with it. It’s my problem, not theirs).

But nonetheless, I do think that raising kids to have healthy eating habits gives them such a leg up in all kinds of ways, and something that important to their future is not something which should be overlooked just because “we should love everyone whatever their size.”

Thought #9: Gluttony is the Forgotten Sin

There’s a problem when Christians are bigger than non-Christians, and in many places we simply are. Gluttony is a sin in the Bible. I think it was easier to see gluttony as a sin when food was scarce, and today it’s abundant. Us eating a lot really doesn’t take food away from anyone else in a tangible way (though we could, of course, be donating that money).

Yet many people use food as an escape. When we’re sad, we turn to the ice cream in the freezer rather than turning to prayer. We build literal distance between us and others to keep them at arm’s length and to stop expectations on ourselves. That’s wrong.

But how do you quantify that? Is it a sin to order that delicious warmed chocolate chip cookie with ice cream and caramel and hot fudge sauce for dessert at restaurants (I can never resist). Or is it only a sin if you have dessert all the time? Is it a sin if you enjoy your food (absolutely not)? Is it a sin if you do split a Haagen-Dasz container with a teen who is sad? When does it cross into sin territory? I have no idea.

So there you have it–nine thoughts about weight that seem to contradict each other. And because it’s such an emotionally laden topic, I often steer away from it. I’ve written a lot about the first four thoughts–those that focus on how we shouldn’t give in to our society’s pressures to conform to a certain body size. I’ve written a ton on respecting yourself. But I’ve never really written on the other thoughts, on how important it is to be healthy and try to keep the weight down, because I don’t want to make women feel badly.

How do we talk about weight and body image in a healthy way? An attempt to start:
Click To Tweet

But is there a happy medium? How can you reconcile all nine thoughts? I don’t know, and it really isn’t my intention to make anyone who is wrestling with this feel worse than they already do. I hope I haven’t done that. But how do we talk about weight properly without giving in to society’s ridiculous expectations about body image? I’d love your thoughts in the comments today!

 

The post How Do We Talk About Weight in a Healthy Way? appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

Put Your Own Oxygen Mask on First

Do you ever get so run down that you can’t look after anyone else?

Every Friday I like to write a short, inspirational 400-word piece on marriage to leave you with one thought to mull on over the weekend. And today I want to talk about taking care of ourselves!

Sheila’s Marriage Moment: Put Your Own Oxygen Mask on First

It’s 8:35 a.m. and I’m just waking up. Usually I’ve been up for two hours by now, but I’m exhausted.

Yesterday I had to fly from Bill & Hilary Clinton National Airport in Little Rock (seriously, I didn’t know there was an airport named after them) back home, because I had the privilege of taping a series of FamilyLife Together radio shows. But I struggled to do that because I wasn’t sleeping from a combination of jetlag from another recent trip and a bad cold.

I’ve simply let myself get worn down over the last few weeks.

And as I was listening to four different versions of the safety message on the planes over the last three days, that oxygen mask thing really hit me: if the oxygen masks drop, and you’re traveling with someone who needs assistance, put your own mask on first. You aren’t any help to anyone else if you pass out. You need to take care of yourself.

Looking back I don’t know what I could have done differently over the last six weeks–but I’ve been going at about 120 miles an hour. Sometimes you’ll look at your schedule on paper and you’ll say, “I can handle that”, but when it actually arrives, it’s overwhelming.

You say yes to something reluctantly, but you think, “I can do it.” You sign your child up for one more activity because they really want it, even though it means two nights a week of practices and occasional weekends away, but you figure, “It’s important.” You take on a coordinating role for something at church, thinking, “It’s only three busy weeks“–but by the time it arrives you’re so stressed you’re yelling at people and you’re not sleeping because you’re already overtired and everything spirals downhill.

My big problem over the last few weeks wasn’t actually my planning–it was the fact that a bunch of things came up at the last minute (like this radio interview opportunity) that I had to fit in.

Extra things will always come up. Always. If you don’t have room for them, they will crash you.

And when you’re crashed, you can’t be a good wife. You can’t be a good mom. You can’t do anything except take care of yourself.

How much better if we had just built some margins in to begin with?

We only have so much time. If you say yes to something, you’re automatically saying no to something else. Too often the thing we’re saying no to is our own health. Stop it, and put your own oxygen mask on first.

That’s what I’m going to do this weekend!

What’s #1 at To Love, Honor and Vacuum?

How can you boost your marriage connection?  Are you too concentrated on fixing problems that you miss the bigger picture?  Or maybe you need some tips on how to make time with your husband more intimate.  Check out this week’s Top Posts and more!

(And this week’s top post was really an eye-opener for me. If you missed the resolving conflict post, please read it!)

#1 NEW Post on the Blog: Why I’ve Stopped “Resolving Conflict”– And You Should, Too 

#1 on the Blog Overall: Top 10 Tips For Initiating Sex With Your Husband 

#1 from Facebook: If You Give Your Husband A Kiss…

#3 from Pinterest: 29 Days To Great Sex Day 15: What Is Foreplay?

So About That Interview at FamilyLife…

It was really fun to tour the FamilyLife offices and meet Dennis Rainey and a bunch of others there! Keith and I have been associated with FamilyLife Canada for over 10 years now, speaking at the weekend conferences, but we’ve never done anything with FamilyLife U.S. (which is really much bigger).

So Dennis and Bob (the co-host) grilled me on how we in Canada do marriage conferences differently, and why (In Canada we only have couples speak at conferences; in the U.S. they tend to have one couple and then one other guy. We also changed the curriculum to focus more on emotional connection). We talked about how conferences are evolving. And I taught them how to pronounce Toronto correctly (It’s only 2 syllables; drop the first O and the second T–Tronno).

The interview itself went really well. They wrapped up super quick, which apparently is a good sign (they think I said enough interesting stuff that they don’t need to keep talking). I wish I had brought up a few other issues more and steered the conversation a little differently, but to be honest, I was focusing so hard on appearing normal and not fainting or throwing up that getting through it was considered a huge success.

You’ve Got to See This

As my long-time readers know, my husband likes birdwatching. So do I, but my husband’s really obsessed with it. And while he was out this week with a friend when I was away, he got this picture of a woodcock and her baby, and I am so jealous. I love woodcocks because they are so darn funny looking. And when they walk they’re even funnier looking. But to see a baby? Wow.

What I Did for My Birthday

For my birthday last week my daughter and I flew out to British Columbia to be with my cousin (we have birthdays together) and her kids. And then Katie and I took a few days to do some sightseeing and hiking, praying that it wouldn’t rain too much.

It really did wear me out, especially when our flight coming home was delayed and we missed a whole night of sleep (that was the beginning of the Really Bad Cold).

But we did make some great memories!

Look, @katielizg ! We found a mountain. And climbed it. And learned how terribly out of shape I am! Having a great time while winding down our west coast birthday trip! #squamish

A photo posted by Sheila Gregoire (@sheilagregoire) on May 27, 2016 at 6:23pm PDT

Here’s Katie!

Big cheesy smiles because I’m next to the third highest waterfall in my beautiful country!

How I Use a Capsule Wardrobe to Fight the Frump!

My daughter Rebecca recently started preaching to me about the benefits of a capsule wardrobe.

Basically, you try to get your wardrobe down to only a certain number of pieces–some say 25, some say 40–and then you work with just those. You buy high quality pieces, with lots of neutral basics. You accessorize with pretty scarves and jewelry and a few colourful items. And then you’re much happier! It’s easier to choose what to wear. It takes up less space. It’s easier to pack.

And you don’t have to spend all your time clothes shopping. You purchase high quality pieces that last forever.

This spring I went on a huge purge and got rid of about half my clothes. But I’m still nowhere near the 40 pieces. I’m getting there, but I do have a lot of dresses I love and jackets I use when I speak.

But here’s what I have done. I’ve decided that for each 2 month period I’m going to choose 25 pieces (shoes and jewelry not included!) to wear. Those will include at least 5 speaking outfits. Every two months I’ll try to switch out most clothes so that I do wear most of my items. And then, after a year, I’ll look at what I haven’t worn and I’ll get rid of those items, because I obviously don’t like them enough to have them make the cut.

So most of my clothes are on my top rack, but I put the capsule wardrobe on the bottom rack, and for two months only wear it. Here are all my other clothes; you can see the capsule one below.

Here’s why I’m liking this:

Using a capsule wardrobe helps me make up outfits
Using a capsule wardrobe helps me accessorize
Using a capsule wardrobe helps me use items I love but I’ve never quite figured out how to wear.

Let’s look at each of these individually!

Using a Capsule Wardrobe Helps You Make up Outfits

That’s really the point of a capsule wardrobe, actually. You choose items that coordinate, and then it’s easier to make up an “outfit”. Often we’re stuck with a lot of clothes that will look good with one skirt or one pair of pants but nothing else. A capsule wardrobe encourages you to buy a lot of neutral items and then add patterns to it.

So you choose 2 sweaters, 1 blazer, 1 pair of jeans, 1 pair of pants, 2 capris, 2 skirts, 1 dress, and then the rest can be tops. (You may fiddle with the numbers a bit, but that’s roughly it). And if you have enough neutrals in the sweaters and the pants, then everything will go with everything else.

I’m still working on collecting my neutrals–as you can tell, I have too many patterns. But the nice thing is that if I think about a colour palette beforehand, and then choose clothes in that colour palette, then more of them will coordinate together. In this case, I chose a yellow sweater that works with pretty much all of the tops, and a neutral jacket that works with both. Unfortunately I still need to work on getting more plain skirts, but at least these ones have at least two tops that work with each. And, of course, all the tops work with my plain jeans and capris.

I also have a pair of shorts, two pairs of capris, and a pair of jeans. Oh, and one dress!

I just leave the pants/shorts on an open shelf so I can see them easily. The other pants I put away in drawers and don’t bother with until it’s time to create my next capsule.

Since I have these all picked out, packing for my trip to British Columbia last week was easy. I just picked up everything by the hanger, lay them all in the suitcase, and I was done. Easy peasy! Took three outfits to Little Rock this week, too, when I was recording for FamilyLife Today Radio.

Capsule Wardrobes Help You Accessorize

I’m a firm believer in fighting the frump. I want to try to look “put together” instead of just throwing on clothes everyday haphazardly. But one thing that I’ve found is that looking “put together” is often more about accessories than it is just an outfit. By choosing my tops ahead of time I can then also make it a point to choose jewelry that actually goes with the items, instead of just always choosing the same necklace everyday (if I choose one at all).

It helps me to wear more of my jewelry, too! So I just take the necklaces that I want to wear (and the bracelets, if applicable) and hang them right over the hangers, like they do in a clothing store when they try to sell you outfits.

I figure out the shoes and the purses, too, and just lay the shoes I’ll actually need below the clothes, and the purses on hangers beside everything else.

Now when I go to get dressed in the morning, there’s really not a lot of thought that goes into it! I’ve already planned outfits, I’ve got shoes that will coordinate, necklaces that tie everything together, and I know what purses I want to wear.

It made speaking really easy, too–no more thinking about what to wear.

A Capsule Wardrobe Helps Me Use Items I Love But Don’t Know What to Do With

I love knitting, and I knit pretty much all the time. But I’m not the best at wearing the things I knit necessarily. It’s much easier in the winter, when I’ve got big sweaters, but in the summer I often forget about my knitted items.

With a capsule wardrobe I can be intentional: Okay, here’s a knit top I want to wear. What can I wear it with to turn it into an outfit?

I found one green summer cotton top I knit last year, for instance. I found a necklace that went well with it, and now it looks great with both skirts and those funky green shoes!

(I couldn’t hang this on the hangers with my other tops because it’s knit and it will stretch, so I had to show it to you separately!)

I also have a large collection of scarves that I never know quite what to do with. I like them, but I always forget to wear them. So in my first capsule wardrobe, which I made up in the winter, I found a scarf that coordinated and tried to use it in interesting ways. I thought this worked well with my jacket:

So now I try to put a scarf in each wardrobe, too!

I just find that it takes the guess work out of getting dressed, and it makes sure that I looked “turned out”. I’ve got a coordinated outfit. I’ve got jewelry. I’ve got accessories. And it works. Otherwise I find that I’ll throw on some capris and a top but I won’t really create an outfit.

I’m also realizing that I don’t actually need that many clothes. I may even get rid of a few more after the summer is over! I wouldn’t mind getting down to 40 pieces, actually (well, not including dresses. I like my dresses). But I’m also going to buy sweaters that are more versatile and that go with more outfits to coordinate together. And with solids I can do more with scarves, so in the end you don’t need to spend as much on clothes to still use color and pattern.

So that’s how I’m dressing myself these days. What about you? Have you ever tried a capsule wardrobe? How did it work out? Let’s talk in the comments!

 

 

The post How I Use a Capsule Wardrobe to Fight the Frump! appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

Why I’ve Stopped “Resolving Conflict”–and You Should, Too

What does it mean to “resolve conflict”?

My husband and I have been speaking at marriage conferences together for about a decade, and wherever we go, we always have to give a big talk on resolving conflict.

No matter what group we’re speaking to, we’re always supposed to cover these issues (they’re universal, it seems):

How to own your emotions and communicate effectively–ie. bringing up one issue at a time, using “I” statements (I feel upset when…) rather than “you” statements (you make me so mad when…), using correct body language, etc.
How to listen effectively to your spouse’s concerns and show them that you hear them and understand them.
How to control your anger.
How to work through a decision when you truly don’t agree.
How to forgive, and how to ask for forgiveness.

And Keith and I have a ton of stories that we can put into those points, and it’s all very well and good.

But the problem was that these points never seemed to fit together or flow really well. And when I wrote 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage, I finally figured out what the problem was and why I had such a hard time squishing all my different thoughts about “resolving conflict” into one talk.

Here’s the problem in a nutshell:

We call too many things “conflict” that need to be “resolved”.

We’re blowing some things out of proportion by calling them “conflict”, and we’re minimizing other things at the same time.

Let me explain.

When we think of conflict, we think of an issue about which you disagree–he sees the world one way, and you see the world another.

In those situations, it makes sense to try to figure out how to come to a decision. It makes sense to learn to listen to the other person’s point of view, and to learn to express your own.

But the simple fact is that true disagreements, in most marriages, are actually rather rare. I counted it up, and in our marriage we have had 5 major disagreements: we disagreed on what house to buy when we first moved to our little small town; we disagreed on whether or not to continue homeschooling; we disagreed on whether or not to change churches; we disagreed on whether or not to put our son on the heart transplant list; we disagreed on whether to make Katie continue piano lessons or not.

In four of the five cases we eventually just came to an agreement together. In the first one, about the house, I finally recognized I was absolutely out of my gourd and he was totally right, and I’m so grateful now that he didn’t do things my way.

But just because there are only five times we’ve had a genuine disagreement that doesn’t mean that there are only five times that we’ve been upset at each other. On the contrary, I can probably count five times one of us has been at least mildly ticked off in the last week.

And here’s where the big revelation comes in: most of the time that we are ticked off at each other it is not about a big “conflict”.

Most of the time that couples are ticked off it's not actually a conflict. Here's why:
Click To Tweet

It is just simply that we are misunderstanding each other and something is triggering some grumpiness.

This doesn’t require listening to the other’s point of view, usually. It doesn’t require coming to agreement. It usually just requires some time and some major chill pills.

Here’s another problem with the typical “resolving conflict” model: do you see which of those five initial points we haven’t talked about yet? Forgiveness and reconciliation. They’re always a huge part of a “resolving conflict” talk, yet it wasn’t necessary for Keith and I to forgive each other when we were trying to decide if Katie should take piano lessons or if we should switch churches. It was just a difference of opinion. There was nothing to forgive. And when I’m frustrated that Keith is 47 years old and he can’t make spaghetti without asking me for directions, he doesn’t need forgiveness and I don’t need forgiveness. I just need to take a deep breath and remind myself how awesome my husband is.

There are times we need to forgive. Those generally aren’t about disagreements, though. Those are about breaches of trust.

To call a breach of trust in marriage a simple conflict downplays the sin.
Click To Tweet

And so I have a new theory about conflicts which helps us figure out what the appropriate action is. Essentially, when we’re upset with each other the cause is usually one of three things:

1. Silly conflicts–we misunderstand each other, assume the worst, or just get grumpy

2. Serious conflicts–we disagree about an important matter

3. Sinful conflicts–someone has broken trust

By framing “resolving conflict” as something you do to find a resolution, we treat silly conflicts like they’re more important than they really are. Usually these can be solved with an attitude shift by the one who is offended, or by changing the way we act or react to each other. It doesn’t need to be a big deal.

But by framing “resolving conflict” as something that needs both of you to negotiate, we also downplay sinful conflicts, and treat them as if both spouses need to listen to each other and defer to each other. In most cases, one spouse has broken trust, and that spouse has to rebuild it. Yes, there may be underlying issues in the marriage that must be dealt with, but that can only be done after the sinning spouse has truly repented and started taking more action.

In marriage, is it a silly conflict, a serious conflict, or a sinful conflict? It matters!
Click To Tweet

Incidentally, this is also why I’m really bothered by the people who define submission in marriage to mean that “he makes the decisions”. In a healthy marriage you will very rarely come to a standstill where you fundamentally disagree on something. If your only definition is that he decides things when you disagree, then you may never submit at all! Submission is about intentionally serving, and that makes it so much bigger, and ultimately more important.

So next time you feel ticked off, ask yourself: if this something we disagree on, something that somebody has sinned about, or am I just upset in general? That will tell you which route you should take to start feeling close again!

Once you’ve identified that, here are some resources to help:

Resolving Silly Conflicts: When You Just Feel Ticked Off

Believing the Best

Learning to Ask Your Husband for Help

The 5 Trigger Points for Conflict

Why Your Husband Won’t Meet Your Needs

Thought #2 in 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage: I Don’t Have to Feel Ticked Off

Resolving Serious Conflicts: When You Just Don’t Agree

The Top 5 Approach to Resolving Conflict

Understanding the Issue in Conflict

Thought #7 in 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage: Find the Win/Win!

Resolving Sinful Conflicts: When Someone Has Sinned

4 Things You Must Do if Your Husband Uses Porn

When You’re the One Who Needs Forgiveness

Top 10 Truths About Emotionally Destructive Marriages

Can You Get Past It? The Power of Forgiveness

Thought #6 in 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage: I’m Called to Be a PeaceMaker, not a PeaceKeeper

Here’s why it’s important to know which one you’re going through: Sometimes I’ll give advice on this blog about believing the best about your husband to help you not get ticked off about little things–which is all very well and good. But if what you’re dealing with is a sinful conflict–like your husband refusing to get a job–then that’s exactly the wrong advice. Or I’ll talk about how to forgive, and if you’re ticked because your husband didn’t put his underwear in the hamper this morning, it will magnify that infraction to seem like more than it is. One size fits all advice doesn’t really exist.

That’s why it’s important to know: is it a silly thing, a serious thing, or a sinful thing? Most things, really, are just silly. But if you’re in a chronically sinful situation, then treating it like it’s  silly conflict won’t help anything.

I hope this way of thinking about conflict helps. It certainly has helped me clarify things, and now I’m much quicker to take a deep breath and say, “this is really just silly!”

Let me know in the comments: Have you ever blown something out of proportion? Or how many times have you guys honestly had a serious disagreement? Let’s talk!

The post Why I’ve Stopped “Resolving Conflict”–and You Should, Too appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

The Best Essential Oils for Libido!

What if essential oils could help your libido?

About 10 years ago I bought a ton of essential oils. A friend and I were busy making bath oils and bath bombs and other luscious things to sell at craft fairs, and I got hooked.

Since then I’ve loved my oils, but I’ve never actually known much of what to do with them, aside from them making the house smell nice.

But I’ve been looking into how essential oils can affect us in so many ways, and lo and behold, they can actually be very good at boosting your libido! Shana Smith, a natural health specialist, has written me a post on the best essential oils to give your libido a kick in the pants, and I’m excited to run it for you today (and to get out my essential oil diffuser and move it to the bedroom!)

Here’s Shana:

The best essential oils to boost your libido. Add some fun to your marriage!
Click To Tweet

Low libido can take a serious toll on a marriage. As women get older and hormones begin to change, they may find that their desire for sex begins to wane. Energy levels plummet and very often, the lack of energy accounts for lack of desire. When women show a lack of sexual interest, their husband may feel unattractive and unwanted. Thankfully, there are steps couples can take to get their spark back. Aromatherapy can boost libido and bring the fire back into any relationship. These essential oils have the power to boost the sex drive of men and women alike.

Cinnamon Oil for Libido

While cinnamon is frequently used to add spice to a meal, it can also be used to spice up a sexual relationship. Researchers have found that the scent of cinnamon can increase blood flow to the penis. It can also help out ladies with a low sex drive. Cinnamon has been used as an aphrodisiac for centuries.

Although cinnamon is effective, it doesn’t always work immediately. Couples should start using the scent early in the night. Long, luxurious cinnamon oil massages are the perfect way to start a night full of passion.

Ylang Ylang Oil

While people experience a loss of libido for a number of reasons, one of the primary culprits is stress. People are so overwhelmed by their jobs and responsibilities that they just can’t relax at the end of the night.

Ylang Ylang oil can help even the most tightly-wound people kick back and relax. It can bring blood pressure down, and bring skin temperatures up. Diffusing this oil can give couples a chance to reconnect and make the most of the time they have with each other.

Rose Oil and Libido

Many people see roses as the most romantic flower in the world. People give roses to their loved ones on holidays, and rose-imagery can be found on a variety of mushy cards. However, it’s not just the appearance of roses that makes people associate them with love. The smell of roses can also induce feelings of romance. Rose oil has a strong anxiolytic effect, which allows people to feel less inhibited in the bedroom.

In addition, the right smell can bring back happy memories. Because roses are associated with romantic holidays, the scent of rose oil can remind couples of happier times.

Jasmine Oil

Jasmine is an exotic flower, so it’s no surprise that the scent of jasmine oil can induce passion. Its rich, flowery scent has strong seductive properties, which is why it’s commonly used in women’s perfume. In India, jasmine oil has been used to treat low libido for centuries.

In modern times, researchers have also found a strong link between the scent of jasmine and increase in sex drive. Inhaling jasmine can have a stimulating effect on both men and women. This oil can improve blood flow, increase body temperature, and give men a much-needed libido boost.

Sandalwood Oil

While few people would associate the woody scent of sandalwood oil with romance, it has been shown to have very alluring properties. In fact, many cultures have been using this oil to treat impotence for centuries.

Women also respond very well to the scent of sandalwood. It has a relaxing effect, but can also help to increase blood flow. Ladies who catch a whiff of sandalwood are likely to experience strong feelings of arousal shortly after.

A loss of libido is not something that people should just accept. As we get older, it can be more difficult to become aroused and to get in the mood. Men and women can both increase their sex drive naturally by using aromatherapy. Sexual intimacy is a vital part of any relationship. Couples should do all they can to maintain a healthy sex life to keep the fires burning and to stay connected.

Shana Smith is a natural health enthusiast and successful business owner. She owns a site, LivingHealthy.mywebpal.com, which is dedicated to living healthy.

Great information! But what do you actually DO with the essential oils? You can add a few drops to a plain massage oil or almond oil. But my preference is to use an essential oil diffuser. You just add about 1/2 cup of water, and then around 4-6 drops of oil, and it fills the air for the next 2-3 hours. It’s amazing! I use a blend during the day that helps me to concentrate, and then one at the end of the day that helps me to relax. But tonight I’ll add some sandalwood for something else!

Take a look at some diffusers here.

Have you ever used essential oils at your home? What do you think? Let me know in the comments!

The post The Best Essential Oils for Libido! appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

My Trip Was Great But My Plane Was Late, I Have a Cold, I’m Getting Old

I’m home from British Columbia! I headed out last week with my daughter Katie to see my cousin for her 40th birthday and my 46th birthday. We used to spend birthdays together as kids, but we haven’t been together for years. So I thought it was time.

Katie and I had a wonderful time, despite the rain, and even did some pretty good hikes. We saw a pod of orcas on the ferry crossing to Vancouver Island, too!

But today I am tired. And a wee mite grumpy. Our plane was four hours late coming out of B.C. We were supposed to land at midnight on Saturday night, and then grab the car and drive home, arriving home around 3 a.m on Sunday. I thought that was doable since with west coast time we’d be 3 hours behind anyway. But Air Canada had technical difficulties so we didn’t land until 3:30. Luggage took 40 minutes (I hate getting luggage at the Toronto airport; it’s the slowest airport in the world, trust me). So we arrived home at 7. Slept until 10. And then last night, even though I was absolutely exhausted, I couldn’t get to sleep until 1 a.m.

So anyway, I’m a little bit tired and frazzled, and I have to fly out to Little Rock. I’m recording 2 radio shows with FamilyLife, which is super cool, but I think I’m getting sick and I’m not feeling the best.

Life, therefore, has conspired against me when it comes to writing blog posts or doing any social media for the last few days.

I hope you will be patient with me, then. I do have things scheduled for the rest of the week, but today I’m just going to put up the top posts from last week!

Oh, and the reason that they aren’t all #1s is because often the #1s are all the same. Or else they’re the same as last week. So my assistant just goes down the list so that they’re all unique!

#1 NEW Post on the Blog: When The Typical Christian Marriage Advice Doesn’t Work

#3 on the Blog Overall: Top 10 Effects Of Porn On Your Brain, Your Marriage, And Your Sex Life

#2 from Facebook: Discovering Your Husband’s Porn Use

#3 from Pinterest: The ONE Tip That Will Make Sex Feel Great!

I’m going to go check comments and emails now since I haven’t looked at anything for about 4 days! but I trust that the sky hasn’t fallen, and I look forward to “normal”ness on the blog for the next few days, too!

The post My Trip Was Great But My Plane Was Late, I Have a Cold, I’m Getting Old appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

On Katie Reading Her 11-Year-Old Diary and What It Taught Me as a Mom

So yesterday was my birthday!

I flew out to British Columbia with my youngest daughter Katie to spend the day with my cousin, who shares a birthday with me. We’re having a lovely time, and we’re heading out for a hike today, too!

Today I have a new video of Katie’s to show you that relates to something we were talking about last week. I was writing about how it seems as if the purity culture movement is reconsidering its strict rules based approach to never dating and only courting, and I think that’s a good thing.

But one of the points I made was that, even if you have rules that kids can’t date, you can’t stop them from having crushes.

So Katie made this video–a dramatic reading of her childhood diaries. I laughed so hard watching this–and it was interesting to hear all this from her point of view, because while I suspected some of it at the time, I didn’t know it all:

A few interesting things stand out about kids and crushes:

1. Even if you have strict rules about relationships, you can’t stop kids from feeling things. It’s really quite natural.

2. Just because they have a “crush”, that doesn’t mean they want a relationship. In 11-year-old’s Katie’s case, as soon as Aaron started liking her back again, Katie stopped liking Aaron.

The purpose wasn’t to have a relationship; it was to figure out who you were.

Anyway, I thought you may enjoy this! I certainly did.

Let me know what you think: how do you handle childhood crushes?

The post On Katie Reading Her 11-Year-Old Diary and What It Taught Me as a Mom appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

When The Typical Christian Marriage Advice Doesn’t Work

Women, it’s time to go beyond a simplistic view of Christianity and a simplistic view of marriage and go deeper. Even if there are no guarantees.

Today’s Wednesday, when we always talk about marriage. And today I want to run an article I originally wrote for iBelieve.com. It’s based on my new book 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage, which asks us to go beyond some of the typical Christian advice and into true areas of trust. 

I met Kayla at a women’s Bible study when we both had toddlers. A newcomer to town, I was ecstatic at the opportunity to meet some friends. Kayla’s motivations, on the other hand, were quite different.

As we delved into a study on prayer, Kayla opened up: “When I was pregnant my husband had an affair with a high school girlfriend. He still talks to her on the phone. I’m here to learn how to wrestle in prayer for my husband’s heart, because I know that God wants me to take this burden and leave it with Him.”

“Just pray about it.”

“Let go, and let God.”

This advice is everywhere in the Christian church–it’s stitched on pillows, it’s written on bracelets, it’s embroidered on bookmarks.

And you can probably think of other such answers, too:

“If you just submit, he’ll start to lead.”
“If you learn his love language, he’ll start acting more loving to you.”
“If you stop criticizing, he’ll step up to the plate.”

Or, even more heartbreaking,

“If you have sex more, he’ll stop watching porn.”

I call this advice “pat answers”. What makes pat answers so dangerous is that they sometimes work. And because they sometimes work, people start teaching them as if they always work–as if there is a formula that God wants us to follow that will always get our desired result.

But what if there isn’t such a formula? What if, when you’re facing a difficult time in your marriage, there isn’t a simple 3-step plan that can help you find marital bliss?

Pat Answers Encourage Passive Aggressive Christianity

Most pat answers have something in common: they avoid dealing with a problem head-on.

Take the advice, “Let go and let God.” Now 1 Peter 5:7 tells us “cast all your anxiety onto Him because He cares for you.” Laying down our burdens is part of walking the Christian life.

But if we are laying them down in order to convince God to pick them up and do something about them, then we’re not really laying them down. We’re saying, “Okay, God! I did my part; now it’s time for you to do yours!” Casting our cares on God becomes less about trusting God and more about treating God like our own personal genie; we do this, so that He will do that.

There’s a similar dynamic with the advice to “love him more” or “submit more.” If we love our husbands so that they will love us, is that real love? Or is it manipulation?

Pat Answers Ignore the Fact that There is a Time for Everything

1 Peter 3:1 tells women that they are to win their husbands “without words.” In context, this verse refers to women who are married to unbelieving husbands winning them for Christ. But I have heard this advice given to women in almost all situations: “If he’s doing something you disagree with, just win him without words.”

Ecclesiastes 3 clearly tells us that there is a time for everything: a time to be silent and a time to speak (verse 7).  Jesus was led like a lamb to the slaughter, but He also made a whip out of cords and drove out the money changers. Different situations require different approaches. Pat answers ignore that.

Pat Answers Leave Women, Especially, with Few Options

One of the saddest aspects of marriage pat answers, though, is that so many of the ones directed at women imply that our role is to sit back and do nothing. We’re told to submit, or to “win him without words”, ignoring the fact that Peter believed that we should “obey God rather than men,” (Acts 5:29), and that Paul, who also spoke of submission to authorities, routinely subverted that authority if it went against God.

Submission to a husband’s will when that husband is going against God is not asked of wives. It would turn husbands into idols, and give them a place above Jesus.

Yet by interpreting this Scripture to mean wives should obey husbands, instead of interpreting it to mean that wives should devote themselves to their husband’s welfare, then women in difficult and even abusive situations feel trapped. We use the Scripture to give cover to the abuser rather than to give freedom to the abused. God’s heart is always that people look more and more like Jesus (Romans 8:29), not that people get free rein to act selfishly.

Too often we use Scripture to give cover to the abuser rather than freedom to the abused.
Click To Tweet

Pat Answers Discourage the Hard Work of Resolving Conflict

God does not want marriages stuck. He doesn’t want people feeling distant; His desire is that we be one (1 Corinthians 1:10). Achieving oneness, though, isn’t easy.

Pat answers sound attractive because they latch onto the easy solution, and most of us are desperately looking for an easy way out. That’s why fad diets are so popular! One guy may have lost weight eating nothing but McDonald’s, and to those who have been trying to lose weight for years and are sick of eating lettuce, that option sounds awfully enticing. Eating McDonald’s is way easier than counting calories, exercising, and learning how to eat healthy.

The right thing and the hard thing are quite often the same thing. Jesus told us that following Him would not be easy; that’s why it’s the narrow road, after all. And resolving conflict is very rarely easy.

Most of life is messy, because life is about messy people. It’s messy to speak up. It’s messy to confront someone. It’s messy to look at your own heart and realize where you have contributed to the problem. It’s messy to ask others for their help to confront a spouse who is in sin. It’s messy to admit that you don’t have it all together.

But maybe our mess is one of the things that helps us run to God–and not run to a pat answer. If all we needed was a 3-step plan, there would be no need for the Holy Spirit.

If all we needed was a 3-point plan, there'd be no need for the Holy Spirit.
Click To Tweet

Perhaps that’s the crux of the problem. In looking for a pat answer, we’re looking for a way for God to fix our problems. Perhaps we need a mind shift. Instead of searching for a way to fix our problems, we should search for a way to glorify God in the midst of our problems. Sometimes that will mean speaking up and sometimes it will mean staying silent. Sometimes it will mean letting things go, and sometimes it will mean confronting an issue head on. But it will always mean seeking out Jesus, because ultimately He’s the only one who has the answer to our heartaches.

If you want more from your marriage, and more from your relationship with God, it’s time to start thinking beyond pat answers! Learn how changing the way we think can actually change our marriage–for the better. 

Don’t stay stuck! Check out 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage today.

The post When The Typical Christian Marriage Advice Doesn’t Work appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

Top 10 Things To Know About Women and Porn Addiction

Female porn addicts–it’s not an oxymoron. In fact, more and more women are becoming addicted to porn. It’s not just a man’s problem anymore.

I’ve written before about how porn affects the male brain, but today, for Top 10 Tuesday, I want to look at it from a different perspective.

So here are 10 truths about women and porn:

1. Women Use Porn, Too

We often think that porn is just a “man’s problem”. But it’s not. In my book, The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, about 70% of men reported having a problem with porn and deliberately seeking out porn. But so did 28% of women. I’ve read other studies that say that 30% of porn addicts are now female. We need to stop thinking of porn as a guy’s problem and realize that women are caught up in it, too.

30% of porn addicts are now female. Let's stop thinking of porn as a male problem.
Click To Tweet

Recently a woman named Stephanie wrote to me about the things that she’s learned coming out of her 10-year porn addiction. I invited her to come and share them with you today.

Here’s Stephanie:

2. You’d Never Know It to Look at Me That I Was a Porn Addict

A 10-year pornography addiction wasn’t easy to hide, but I had managed to do it. My parents didn’t know. My sibling didn’t know. None of my other relatives or friends knew. Once I got married, I had even kept it a secret from my husband until finally making the decision to tell him about it.

I figured I’d take my secret to the grave. But here’s the twist: I was hoping the Lord would be able to use those 10 years I wasted for something good. That’s a little strange, right? How could He do that if I just wanted to bury the situation?

I’ve realized that in this bitter day and age where pornography has become prevalent, glorified, and even celebrated as empowering, I can’t afford to cling on to those 10 years. More precious than my pride is the call to protect others from enduring the same detrimental, mind-warping experience I went through. I need to let the Lord use my failures for His glory.

So here are some of the reasons pornography is just bad news:

3. Pornography is Addictive–for Women, Too

It’s true that there are plenty of people who enjoy watching pornography and never get addicted to it. In the same way, many people enjoy drinking alcohol on a regular basis and never suffer from addiction. But that doesn’t mean that no one ever gets addicted.

An addict uses their substance to comfort themselves and obtain an emotional and sometimes physical high.
An addict thinks about their substance all the time. They look forward to when they can use it again and will plan their day – and even their relationships – around it.
An addict either hides their addiction or expects people to accept their use of it, sometimes making excuses for it or blowing off the concerns of those who care about them.
An addict will take nearly any opportunity alone to use their substance. An addict will ruin a relationship because they don’t want to lose access to their substance.
An addict is convinced that their substance is one of the only things in life that will make them feel good. An addict believes that their substance accepts them.
An addict lets their substance use become such a deeply ingrained habit that they will use the substance just because it’s what they always do, even if they know it won’t make them feel better.
An addict might want to give up their substance abuse, or they may not think their substance abuse is a problem at all, or they may not even realize they have an addiction.

Addicts are emotionally tormented, both by their unmet emotional needs and by the guilt their addiction brings. Addicts often feel quite lonely. Some are suicidal. When it comes to their substance abuse, addicts are habitual liars, both to themselves and others.

That was me in the midst of my addiction, although, thank the Lord, I wasn’t suicidal (miserable, yes, but I never would have harmed myself). I was 13 when I started. Addictions can happen at almost any age.

4. Addictions Are Really Hard to Shake

It’s very, very difficult to shake an addiction.  Many addicts see no way out and think there’s no hope for them. What ultimately got me out of addiction was my growing disgust for pornography and my hatred of the devil for perverting the beauty of sex and making pornography okay. I call myself clean, but I can’t deny the rare desire I have to watch it.

Rare, faint, fleeting.

But it appears sometimes, and that scares the life out of me. This is why accountability is always important, no matter how many years you’ve been “clean”. The devil wants you to stay addicted, so don’t think he’ll stop just because you think you’re safe.

5. Watching pornography Allows You to Ignore Your Needs Rather than Acknowledging and Dealing with Them

Everyone watches pornography for a reason. Sometimes it’s the basic physical need that you don’t feel like denying anymore. Or there’s an irresistible need for emotional connection that, in reality, can never actually be met by watching porn.

But just as complicated as the roots of our needs is the ability to seek out those needs and determine what the driving force is behind your desire to watch porn. Instead of blowing off your issues, you have to seek out your underlying needs. Indulging in a sexual fantasy will only make you feel good temporarily. If you’re watching porn, you’d better ask yourself why, and be honest, because “I’m just having fun” is never an excuse for indulging in something damaging.

If you're watching porn, you'd better ask yourself why. What's the root reason?
Click To Tweet

While there’s not always a singular problem, usually the biggest issue is the one that is most propulsive. My motivation was my belief that marriage and sex would complete me as a person and fill my emotional void. Of course, I let my desire for the relationship and for sex take over my life, and I used pornography as a shortcut to getting the fulfillment I thought those things would bring. I realize now that marriage was not created by God to fill our emotional needs and that only He can fill our voids and complete us emotionally. But when I was younger, I didn’t seek God to fill my cravings – only pornography.

6. Pornographic Images Hang On for a Very Long Time, Addiction or no.

While it’s true that the longer you’re in the harder it is to get out, no matter how long you watch pornography the images stay in your brain. Studies have even shown that men in particular are better at remembering painful times or arousing times. If you have a pornography addiction, sometimes those two experiences are combined. I’ve been “clean” for five years, and I still have images popping into my head (this is where it becomes very important to practice 2 Corinthians 10:5). I still have a hard time connecting emotionally. And I still have to resist checking out. When you’ve created that habit, your mind and body are trained to respond only to the habit. And once you’ve seen something, you can’t unsee it, especially if your body responded to it.

Don't flirt with porn--the images stay in your brain, and they're so hard to get out!
Click To Tweet

7. Pornography Makes Normal Relationships Difficult or Impossible

Pornography is our mind-warping way of trying to find emotional and physical fulfillment in a past incident between strangers we see on a screen. People become like objects. Relationships become a cesspit of using, abuse, self-gratification, temporariness, and substitutions. Monogamy seems less than fulfilling. While a healthy love relationship should be others-focused and self-sacrificial, pornography creates a relational mindset that is completely me-centric.

8. Porn Makes Us Dissociate to Get Aroused

Once you’re married, porn addicts find that you can’t interact properly with your spouse during sex. You need a situation – a fantasy or story – to play out in your head to get you aroused (this is called dissociating during sex). You need to check out, and you get frustrated if you’re interrupted. You may be having sex with a person physically, but in your mind you’re with someone else – or several other people. Not only does this make it difficult to connect with your spouse during sex, but it’s completely unfair to your spouse, who may believe you’re enjoying them and only them.

Whether or not you believe pornography is cheating, viewing pornography shows that you’d rather get your sexual pleasure from somewhere or someone else but your spouse. But you should never depend on another person to get you aroused. That is solely your spouse’s job. God created sex to be between a man and his wife. Watching pornography, even together, is inviting other people to bed with you.

9. Porn Puts up Walls of Dishonesty

Pornography damaged my marriage in ways even beyond making sex difficult. Hiding my addiction got me stuck in a habit of hiding my problems and lying to cover them. In the beginnings of our marriage, I had a difficult time being honest with my husband all the time. Sometimes I didn’t want to spend time with him because I would rather spend it watching pornography. And I wondered – unfairly – why my husband wasn’t meeting my emotional needs.

I thought marrying him would make my addiction go away and make me feel complete. But my expectations were warped by my inability to see past myself and my own needs and realize that marriage – and life – is about putting others first.

Sex is not about self-gratification or a brief high. Sex is making love. Even people in a good relationship and with no porn involved have a difficult time making the emotional connection and the self-sacrifice that is required of true love making. Pornography makes that impossible.

10. Pornography is Wrong.

Christians in particular, I’m talking to you. It cannot be justified. The Bible tells us to “flee sexual immorality”, “that you should abstain from sexual immorality”, and that we should “turn away my eyes from looking at worthless things”. God makes it clear that sex is between a man and his wife, that we should keep our marriage bed pure, and that we shouldn’t lust after anyone else. In addition, the Bible also addresses idolization, which is what addiction is in general, and pornography is the idolization of sex in particular.

God also tells us not to choose the ways of violence, and pornography is riddled with and celebrates violent acts. And pornography is, quite plainly, a perversion from satan, the destroyer, of the beautiful gift of sex that God gave to us.

Pornography tries to offer us sex in a lesser state than God intended. God is the ultimate giver, but pornography only ever takes away. We can never justify pornography. Not a little. Not for a short time. Not as a test. Not with our spouse. Not now. Not ever. Pornography is always wrong.

God is the ultimate giver, but pornography only ever takes away. #puresex
Click To Tweet

Pornography needs to be talked about. Countless people need help escaping this poison. The topic isn’t hush-hush anymore. Let’s stand together against this and tell Satan we’ve had enough, because sex belongs to God.

Thank you, Stephanie, for sharing your story, and for being so open and blunt about the warning you’re giving to women!

And my friends, if  you’re struggling with porn, Covenant Eyes can really help. They offer internet accountability and filtering, but they also have a bunch of resources and webinars just for women dealing with porn addictions. Find out more right here! 

Marriage isn't supposed to be blah!


Sex is supposed to be stupendous--physically, emotionally, AND spiritually.

If it's not, get The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex--and find out what you've been missing.

The post Top 10 Things To Know About Women and Porn Addiction appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.