Sheila Wray Gregoire's Blog, page 151
August 31, 2016
When Your Marriage Needs a Turning Point
It’s Wednesday, and I always post a “Wifey Wednesday” thought to help our marriages.
I had a bit of a comment dustup on a guest post last week. A reader left a comment that was really quite bitter towards her husband–she hated sex and always would; God made men to be perverts; and her husband had been awful towards her. There then ensued a debate between commenters who were wanting to steer her to a more productive way of thinking (let’s let go of the bitterness and work towards healing) and those who said if a person is hurting, you need to embrace that hurt, and to try to correct her is just plain being mean.
I understand this tendency we have to embrace the hurt.
We hear a woman talk about her problems, and we want to say, “Oh, what a jerk! I hope you made him pay for that!” But it really doesn’t help anything, because when we’re stuck in hurt and bitterness, we can never move forward.
I have spoken to so many people who have faced major marriage problems and come through on the other side, and there is always a common denominator: they stopped focusing on how much they were hurt, and they asked God to help them see the situation with clear eyes.
Marriages change when we stop focusing on our own hurt and surrender that hurt to God.
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That’s what happened in my marriage, so let me tell you a bit of my story (this has been my week for telling personal stories!). When we were first married, I had major trust issues. I had been rejected repeatedly as a child, and then my husband had also broken off our engagement before we reconciled and eventually married. So I was paranoid that he was going to leave me, and opening up was not easy for me. I had been so desperate to get him down the aisle and actually commit that I hadn’t given much thought to what came afterwards. I guess I thought marriage would be easy.
Because I had trust issues, though, I also had sex issues. I shared about this a lot in both The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex and 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage, but suffice it to say that sex hurt, and Keith wanted it all the time. So we had major conflict for the first part of our marriage.
The turning point came in our marriage when I decided not to dwell on my emotional pain. I was focusing so much on my own issues–“he only wants me for one thing, he doesn’t really care about me, he won’t show me love”–that I didn’t really look at the other side—“am I showing him love?” And once I made the emotional commitment to love him (and really throw myself into sex, too, but that was only a part of it), things started working much better. I really did love him. I started thinking about the things that I was grateful for about him. I stopped being so sensitive.
But it was difficult, and it took a few years to get to that point.
When you’re in the middle of a serious hurt, it’s hard to see the other person’s perspective.
But when you decide to love regardless, amazing things can happen.
At the same time as God was softening my heart, God was also doing a work in Keith’s heart. In fact, Keith came to basically the same decision around the same time I did. Never ever discount what God can do in your spouse’s heart. But that’s the key, I think: God does it, not you.
For me, then, the turning point in our marriage was a shift in my own attitude, and a submission to God, which also led to the same thing in my husband.
I can honestly say that we’re so grateful for each other and we’re ridiculously lovey-dovey all the time now. But it wasn’t always like that.
It seems to be a spiritual principle that God starts working when we are in submission to Him.
Even if you are not the principle problem in your marriage (ie. your husband is doing something wrong/sinful/selfish), the more you hold on to the hurt, the less God works.
I was reading in my devotions today about how God “pleads the case of the orphan”. God likes pleading the case of the person who is wronged. But He tends to do it once we have stopped pleading our case. When we hand our case over to God, He works. When we try to fix it, He doesn’t. Remember how Jesus couldn’t do miracles in his hometown because of the people’s lack of faith (Mark 6:5)? When we don’t surrender to God, He doesn’t usurp our will and work anyway. He allows us to draw the boundaries of what He will do. And if we don’t surrender, He doesn’t force Himself on us.
That doesn’t mean that we don’t confront, or use consequences. I’m not saying that we need to use the “Duck Principle”, like I talk about in 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage, where we duck and get out of the way and do absolutely nothing so that God can smack our husbands. Sometimes we need to draw clear boundaries and say, “this can’t be tolerated.” But those boundaries will never work when we enact them out of bitterness or anger or manipulation. When we do it out of surrender to God and a desire to see Him work in the marriage, healing can really take place.
That’s because it’s not about what we do as much as it is what is going on in our hearts.
When are hurt, we need to hand our emotional needs over to God. We need to hand Him:
our need to be right;
our need to have our husbands admit they were wrong;
our need to have them love us completely and utterly.
When we are expecting these things from our husbands, then God can’t work in the same way because we’ve set up a very negative dynamic, both emotionally and spiritually. When we turn to God, things change.
It doesn’t always mean that a marriage can be saved, especially if a spouse is more interested in using you than loving you. But when you surrender to God, the bitterness goes. And then even if the marriage isn’t saved, you are a whole person. But usually that marriage can be saved, and it all starts when the dynamic changed; when someone takes that scary first step to stop waiting for a spouse to make the hurt better, and they run to God and live out God’s love anyway, whatever that looks like.
So let me know your story. What was the turning point in your marriage? What flipped the switch? Leave it in the comments!
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August 30, 2016
10 Sexy Questions Husbands Can Ask Their Wives
I had some men ask afterwards, “can you give us a list to ask your wives?”
It sounded like a great idea, so I said, “sure!” And I asked on my Facebook Page for some help from other women with suggestions.
And as I thought about it, and as the answers poured in, I realized sexy questions aimed at women aren’t that simple.
In this post on why husbands may not understand how important foreplay is, I included a hilarious video from Amanda Gore explaining how women work sexually. Basically, you don’t want to touch those “special bits”, as she calls them (the breasts or genitals), until she’s at the point where she’s begging for her husband to do so. If you touch those too early, you actually turn her off.
This is so true–and the same principle is at work for flirting, too.
Unlike men, women, on the whole, are not usually “raring to go”. We need to warm up to the idea of sex. It seems really strange, because most women do enjoy sex, so why wouldn’t we want to do it all the time? But if we’re not specifically thinking about it and in the mood, then the idea of sex seems almost off-putting. A switch needs to be turned so that we move from “turned off” to “turn on”. For guys, that switch is almost always on; for women, it’s not.
Here’s the hard thing about that switch: guys can’t flip it for us. We need to turn it on ourselves.
We need to decide, “okay, I want to feel sexy now.”
So a guy’s job is simply to warm a woman up so that she is more likely to want to flip that switch. If he acts as if the switch is already flipped by making obvious sexual comments or by grabbing parts of her body as she walks by, chances are she won’t react well. But warm her up first so that she flips that switch, and then those things are absolutely okay!
One woman explained this brilliantly on my Facebook Page:
Don’t act sexy! After a long day I don’t want to feel propositioned. I want to feel like he’s my best friend, like he still enjoys my conversation–laughing with me, etc. I want to know he thinks about and considers me!
Yep.
Now, I realize this is a big generalization. Some guys are NOT raring to go at all times, and some women really are, and wouldn’t mind going straight to the sexy bits right away. In fact, the same woman may act differently throughout the month depending on hormone levels or on how close you both are feeling (for instance, the day after a wonderful time in the bedroom she’ll likely be more flirty and sexual right off the bat!).
But here’s the general progression:
Warming up — Flirty — Sexual
Once a wife is obviously flirting, then ramping it up is fine. But if she’s still at the warming up stage, don’t go straight to the sexual!
Whew. That’s a big explanation. But when I asked on Facebook for suggestions, almost all women universally left “warming up” questions. And I think that’s a good idea, because once a woman is warmed up and flirty–you guys can likely handle the sexual parts yourself. The more difficult issue is how to get her warmed up in the first place!
So, without further adieu, here are 10 “sexy questions” that will help women feel more flirty and in the mood!
With many thanks to all of my Facebook fans for these suggestions!
To all Husbands Out There: 10 Questions to get her 'in the mood'. They aren't what you think!
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1. “What can I do to help?”
Probably the most frequent question suggested was something along the lines of “can I do the dishes tonight?”, or “can I do the kids’ bedtime routine on my own tonight?” or “what can I do to make your evening run more smoothly?”
Seriously. Of 52 answers on Facebook, probably half were this. So take the hint! One reason that women have a hard time getting in the mood is that nighttime is busy and chaotic and there is so much running through our brains. Take some of that load off, and we’ll be able to calm down a bit and have some quiet, peaceful moments. And that can lead to more energetic moments!
2. “How was your day?”
One woman laughs at how simple this sounds, but then explains:
Seriously, when my husband will sit down with me for a few minutes and have a NON sexual conversation, I can jump from 0-60 in no time.
On a similar vein, one woman suggested the question, “How are you FEELING”?
Not just are you okay, not just how’s it going, but an earnest and sincere inquiry into my feelings/emotional thought life.
Sometimes I get so lost in my head I need a place to put all of the feelings to make room for sexy thoughts. It doesn’t often take long to make room either!
3. “Did you get more beautiful today?”
Yesterday my husband just looked at me deep in the eyes out of the blue like he was surprised and said “did you get more beautiful today?” Caught me totally off-guard. Probably wouldn’t work everyday, but it was really sweet!
Another woman said a similar thing:
In the shower the other day, my hubby randomly said, “Gosh, you are pretty. Do you know that?” That made me get butterflies!
In both cases, the husbands just acted like they got caught off guard by how beautiful she was. We want to know that we can still take your breath away!
And Guys: hear this woman on this tip–if you’re going to compliment her looks (which you should), don’t mention the traditional “sexy” parts right off the bat. Try something more like this. Sweet works better than sexy when you’re just warming up!
4. “May I massage your feet?”
Pretty much everybody on Facebook agreed–that would do it! Offering a massage is always a good choice, because it feels so great, it allows some physical contact which helps her feel more “in the mood”, and it relaxes her so she’s able to get all those distractions out of her head that can keep her from wanting to make love.
Here’s a similar one: “Do you want to cuddle?” Anything that suggests touching and physical contact that isn’t overtly sexual tends to go over really well. Here’s why:
Seriously, no-strings-attached cuddling?! Yes, please!! I think if a guy offers cuddling without expecting anything to happen, then it’s a lot more likely something will happen. Probably because we know we’re being enjoyed just for being us, and not for just our bodies.
5. “How did I get so blessed to marry a woman who is such a wonderful mom?” (Or insert other great character trait here!)
A woman explains:
A character compliment (“I’m proud of you,” or “Our kids are so lucky to have you for a mom”) is a huge turn-on. I know he’s attracted to me, but hearing that he sees what I do and believes in me as a person is more sexy than almost anything else.
Please hear her, guys, because this is important: we know you want our bodies. We want to know that you want our hearts as well!
6. “When did you know I was the one?”
Ask something that brings up romantic memories!
One of the biggest things that really gets everything firing for me is relive our dating and newlywed days. Questions like what did you think about me when we first met? When did you know I was the one? What do you remember about our first date? What are your best memories from our honeymoon?
When you’re the one who asks the question, you’re saying, “I want to relive this with you, because it mattered to me, too.” Bring up those feelings and you can see where they go!
Or go the other route, and ask a question that will create MORE romantic memories, like this woman recommends: “What do you want to do on our next date night?” She explains:
I feel special just planning a date, even if it is weeks away. If he brings it up, it shows that he wants to spend time with just me. Plus if we plan in advance, we wind up doing something more fun than dinner-and-a-movie.
7. Don’t ask a question at all. Just show that you noticed something she cares about: “I remember hearing you say you love peanut M&Ms, so I picked some up for you on the way home.”
A woman explains:
Being “seen” and “heard” is sexy! I am so harried that having my husband make statements instead of asking a question is usually more valuable than asking a question (unless it is seeking my opinion about a flavor of chocolate/coffee). Children ask questions. Husbands make statements that show they notice: “You’ve got a lot done today. I’d like to sit with you on the deck before going to bed. I started a pot of coffee.” My eyes see stars!!!
But what if she IS at the flirty stage now? Try these sexier questions!
8. “I’ve been thinking about you all day, and what I’d like to do.”
Some women would rather get right to the point! And if you’re going to get right to the point, explain to her what you want to do, because a woman’s libido is often linked to feeling desired, rather than to desiring something herself. So instead of saying, “I’m going to do X to you later,” try “I want to do X and see Y later.” It’s a subtle shift, but it matters.
A wife explains:
I would like for him to tell me how turned on HE is, that he’s been thinking about me (and it) all day. I’d like kissing and close talking and hearing what he’d like to do next.
9. “Can I get you out of those clothes? They look so uncomfortable.”
Or even switch roles: “I’m so uncomfortable in these clothes. Can you help me get them off?” That’s flirty and suggestive, but not blatantly graphic or sexual. And it will tend to work better!
10. “How can I make you moan louder?”
Save this one until everything is heated up and going well–and it will likely go even better.
Or throw this one in, too: “We tried something last time that you really liked, but I can’t remember what it is. Can we experiment until we figure it out?” Show her you’re interested in her pleasure and you want to learn, and she’ll feel much more cherished!
One last idea that isn’t a question but an action. Kiss more! Start kissing just tenderly to show her you love her. Then let it build. Don’t start out passionately, as if you’re saying, “I want you right now!” Start off just kissing her like you love her. Let her set the pace. And you just may find that she can flip that switch without any words on your part!
And remember, guys: If you’re desperate to find ways to help her flip that switch, my book 31 Days to Great Sex is filled with fun challenges that will help you be able to talk about sex more, flirt more, and figure out what makes each of you tick. What women tell me is that after going through the book they feel much freer with their husbands because they were able to have some real conversations about this and learn more about how they each work. It’s super fun, and I’ve kept it really cheap to help as many marriages as possible.
Share this on Facebook so that more guys will see it!
And what would you add to the list? Have any ideas for sexy questions that weren’t covered? Leave them in the comments to help out the guys who come here looking for ideas!
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August 29, 2016
Reader Question: My Husband Doesn’t Want Any More Kids. I Do.
What do you do when you desperately want more children, but your husband says he’s done?
Every Monday I like to take a reader question and try to answer it, and today’s is a woman in pain over the loss of the dreams of future kids. She writes:
I still desperately want more babies, but my husband is done. And that’s really killing my enjoyment of sex. I can’t seem to think about anything else, no matter how I try. When we come together it’s like salt in the wound for me, and instead of unity, I feel… whatever is the opposite.
Great question!
And I don’t really have an easy answer. So I’m just going to tell you my story, and I hope that it will help you.
Sometimes a story is all we have, so here’s mine.
I miscarried my first baby. I was a wreck for about a month. Then I got pregnant with Rebecca, who was born happy and healthy, though I worried about her through that whole pregnancy.
Christopher was born next. He was born with a severe heart defect and lived only 29 days.
Shortly after he passed away we got pregnant with Katie. If I was nervous with Rebecca, I was a wreck during Katie’s pregnancy. Plus, she was my third baby in two and a half years. My body was tired. Labour was awful, and she was huge, and I didn’t want to ever have to worry like that again, so afterwards Keith and I decided pretty adamantly, “no more.”
Katie didn’t sleep much, but she did love to be cuddled, which was exactly what I needed. Life was good. And we assumed that when the girls were around 7 and 5 we’d adopt two children. That was always the plan: to adopt a sibling group.
So when Katie was 2, Keith wanted to get a vasectomy. I didn’t have a logical reason to say no, because we were going to adopt and I really didn’t want to go through labour again. But I hesitated, and on the day of his appointment I asked him not to go.
Six months later he made another appointment. Again, I couldn’t come up with a reason to say no. He kept asking me, “But you don’t want any more children, right?” He went through with it. Our biological family was complete.
Four years later I changed my mind.
We had tried to adopt. I don’t want to go into too many details, but there was a sibling group we were interested in, and we realized it couldn’t work for us. It doesn’t matter why. It just no longer was part of the plan.
I had never intended to only have two children to raise. And by this time I felt I could handle another labour, and I could emotionally handle the thought that something might go wrong again. I really wanted a baby.
Keith, however, did not. He liked our life. The girls were awesome, we were having so much fun homeschooling, and we didn’t need another child.
For three years I battled in prayer about this. I remember journalling, “what haunts me is the fact that this will be the biggest regret of my life; that I will go to my grave wishing I had had more children.”
During this time I was also speaking more. I was starting to write; my first book, To Love, Honor and Vacuum, was published. I was often gone on weekends giving women’s retreats, and I did love it. But I knew so many people with big families, and I wanted that for me.
One night, while speaking at a retreat, I heard something from God.
Basically it was about how I had wanted more kids, but God was going to give me an influence far beyond just one more child, and I shouldn’t mourn what I don’t have, but instead look at what He is doing now.
That was around ten years ago.
And you know what? I don’t mourn the kids I didn’t have anymore.
Maybe it’s because I’m in my mid 40s now and getting pregnant isn’t as easy or as healthy. Maybe it’s because I really do enjoy the life that I have, and I love speaking. Maybe it’s because my girls have both grown up well and I so enjoy them, and now I’m looking forward more to grandkids one day. I don’t know. But that pain in my heart, which was once so great, has really vanished.
God doesn’t only want big families
Part of what made my wrestling worse was that I had been reading all kinds of blogs and books from I guess what you would call the “quiverfull” movement that said that since all children were a blessing from God, we should try to have as many as possible.
I believed that. I believed that larger families were more in line with God’s desires than smaller ones. I would look at my friends who had 8 kids and think, “If they had the same views that Keith and I did, then those other younger kids wouldn’t even exist.” And I would mourn those children who weren’t here. I could almost see them.
But I don’t think anymore that God only wants big families. What I see is a God who loves variety; who uses all different expressions of His love in the world to show a different side of Himself. He prompts some to have large families and some to have smaller ones, and that’s okay. My girls are following God, and our family has been used by Him. There’s nothing wrong with it.
When I was caught up in that thinking, though, I was convinced that I knew God’s will but Keith was disobeying it.
That made me see Keith as somehow less spiritual than me and in need of changing his mind. It wasn’t just that we had a difference of opinion; I was obviously right and he was wrong.
That really was toxic. I wish I had gotten over it sooner. Keith grew up in a bigger family than I did; he had a different perspective. He wanted to be able to spend a ton of time with each child, individually. I grew up an only child, and loved the idea of a whole lot of people. We simply saw it differently.
God will use you in new ways
When you have babies and preschoolers and elementary school aged children, being a mom is your main identity. It consumes so much of your time. It’s natural to want that to continue.
But as the kids grow, it really is okay if your focus changes and your dreams change.
Having a baby takes a lot of time. If you offer that time to God, to use in a new way, He will fill it with something that is rewarding and worthwhile if you start living life intentionally like that. Our role here on earth is to be part of bringing the Kingdom of God here. We do that partly through our families, but not entirely. There are important things we can do beyond motherhood. And it’s not always ministry, either! Even in paid work we can expand the kingdom. We can work ethically. We can provide truly good service that helps others. We can create a product that solves a major problem. We can, in our daily interactions, bring peace and love to others. It does matter.
What if you want more kids--but your husband doesn't? How God changed my heart.
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God will give you new dreams
God gave me new dreams, and replaced the ones that haunted me. I think He can do that with you, too. Yes, right now, you may feel huge disappointment that feels as if it will never go away. But that’s not necessarily true. So much depends on how you act from here on out. Are you going to focus on only one way of spreading the kingdom and finding meaning in life and serving? Or can you open your horizons to see that there may be other things that God will use you for?
Don’t get caught up in “But this must be God’s will…”
That doesn’t help anybody. And too often we think, “I’ve missed out on God’s best and now everything else will only be second best.” But did you miss out? Proverbs 21:1 says:
The king’s heart is a stream of water in the Lord’s hands; He turns it wherever He wills.
If God really wants you to have another child, God can turn your husband’s heart. If He doesn’t, then maybe His biggest desire is for you to walk in unity with your husband and to choose to love your husband first.
Your husband is here, right now. Don’t pull back from him for a baby who doesn’t actually exist right now, except in your dreams. Don’t pull back from the kids you have now, or lean on them too hard for emotional support, and miss out on the joy that God wants you to feel everyday for those that you do have.
And God does want you to love your husband. Can you trust that God still has a big life for you, even if it doesn’t look like what you wanted?
That’s my story. I’d love to hear some of yours! Did you struggle with disappointment over not having more children (or not having any children at all?) How did God help heal that disappointment (or are you still on the journey?) Let’s talk in the comments!
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August 26, 2016
3 Easy Habits to Become a “Porn Free” Home
I wish I could say, “absolutely!”, but I can’t. I don’t even like the title of this post, because it promises something I can’t deliver. I was thinking of “Porn Safe”, but that makes it sound like your home is safe FOR porn. Then I was thinking “Limit Porn”, but that makes it sound like there’s a safe time limit.
So here’s what I am saying: most of our kids are going to see porn. Most of our husbands are going to be tempted by porn. A large proportion of us women are also going to be tempted and going to see it or seek it out at some point.
Almost everybody is going to stumble across porn. There is nothing that you can do that will give you a 100% guarantee that no one will see porn.
But what you can do is create an environment in your home where a porn habit is far less likely to develop. And it’s the habit we want to avoid.
Every Friday I write a quick, 400 word inspirational piece to help us get through the weekend with one major thought. And I decided that today, with Back to School upon us being a great time to institute new family habits, I thought I’d challenge us to create a home that’s far less porn friendly and far more family friendly.
Sheila’s Marriage Moment: Move Towards a Porn Free Home!
The average age that kids are introduced to porn is quickly falling, to around 10. Girls are becoming one of the fastest-growing groups of porn watchers. And most men battle with the temptation to look at porn.
Let’s not assume that porn is something only moms of 15 or 16-year-old boys have to worry about. We need to fight this fight for the sake of everyone in our family.
That’s the environment we’re in. Now let’s look at the risk factors.
When do people tend to form porn habits? When porn is easy; when they’re bored; when they’re stressed; and when they’re alone. If we can limit those risk factors, then we limit porn!
1. Subscribe to Covenant Eyes
It’s a program that runs in the background of your computers, laptops, phones and other devices that can either filter what sites you’re allowed to go to based on each person’s profile, send accountability emails of searches or websites visited to an accountability partner, or both.
And it’s not dependent on your wifi, so it goes with you, your husband or child outside of the house, too.
Look, if people know that if they search for something pornographic, an accountability partner will get an email, it reduces the risk that they’ll search. And often kids come upon porn sites inadvertently by searching for something they don’t realize sounds pornographic. Covenant Eyes makes sure that doesn’t happen.
And you get one month free when you sign up with my link!
2. Set Up a Technology Center in a Central Place
Buy a charging station where everybody can dock their phones, tablets or iPads. Then, make it a habit that at mealtimes, all devices go there so you can enjoy family time. And at bedtime, everyone’s devices return there to be charged overnight.
No one has their devices in the bedroom with them!
It’s late at night that teens (and adults) often start surfing the internet. And if the devices aren’t there, they can’t. Let’s get back to reading books at night or talking rather than being plugged in, since research has also consistently shown that using devices late at night makes you sleep worse, anyway.
3. Turn the Wifi Off at Night
You’re allowed to, you know. And when you unplug at dinner and unplug at night, stress is also likely to be reduced because everyone will talk to each other more, and turn to more social forms of entertainment.
Create a culture in your home where the internet isn’t with you 24/7, and people turn to each other instead. It will never guarantee there won’t be problems, but it will help you build the kind of family where it’s less likely. And then you’ll also have the kind of family where if there is a problem–you’re far closer and better equipped to deal with it!
Full disclosure: I’m an affiliate for Covenant Eyes–but that’s only because I really believe in them! I’m so glad there’s a company aiming to help protect families from porn, and I hope they can help you, too!
What’s #1 at To Love, Honor and Vacuum?
The Top Post on the Blog this week hit #1 for 2/3 of the other categories! How exciting is that! So here are the number 2’s of this week to keep everything fresh!
#1 NEW Post on the Blog: “Pornography Made Everything Worse.” Are We Listening?
#2 on the Blog Overall: Top 10 Effects Of Porn On Your Brain, Your Marriage, And Your Sex Life.
#2 from Facebook: When Your Marriage Feels Distant – It’s Usually Not What You Think.
#2 from Pinterest: 10 Things That Scare Me About The “Purity” Culture.
My Hubby and I Started a New Hobby!
We love ballroom dancing, but when we were on our cruise this summer we found that we just didn’t know enough steps for each type of dance to really do well on the dance floor. So we decided that when we came home we’d take some lessons from YouTube.
We tried that for a while and then found a membership site at Passion4Dancing which we joined. It’s really fun! Just half an hour a night, and gets us moving (I spend too much time just sitting in my chair with my computer all day.) I’m hoping that when Katie’s home from camp next week, before we drive her back to school, that she can film some videos of us that I can show you all.
This is Our Last Weekend of Summer
Keith’s home this weekend, but then he’s on call Labour Day weekend, so this is really our last weekend to enjoy summer together.
That’s not entirely true, though, because on September 11 we leave in our RV for a month long road trip, where I’ll be giving my super fun Girl Talk (all about sex and marriage!) in Erie, Pennsylvania, and then into Kansas, Iowa, and Oklahoma. So we’ll be living in the RV, which to me feels like summer. Looking forward to that!
That tour is all booked up, but if you’re in New Mexico, Arizona, California, or Utah, we’re booking for January now! Just email my assistant Tammy if you’d like more info.
And so, since this is our last weekend, we’re going to go for a nice drive tomorrow and maybe a hike.
What are you doing this weekend? And how do you protect your family from porn? Have any great ideas? Let’s talk in the comments!
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August 25, 2016
Are You a Safe Place for Your Husband When He Falls?
One of the best things about marriage is that you have each other’s backs.
Two are better than one,
because they have a good return for their labor:
If either of them falls down,
one can help the other up. (Ecclesiastes 4:9-10)
That’s beautiful–when one falls, one picks the other one up.
But early in my marriage, if Keith fell, he had to pretend he didn’t. He might come home bruised and bleeding, but he had to pretend everything was okay, because I couldn’t handle any of his weaknesses.
Now, we weren’t struggling with major areas of sin or anything. It was just more sexual frustration. But if he voiced any of that to me, then I would start thinking about how all men are perverts and about how he only wanted me for one thing. Like I explained in my book 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage, the way I was thinking was hurting our marriage and driving my husband away from me.
Here’s what I’ve seen again and again on this blog, from commenters and from people who email me: husbands admit something wrong, like porn use or being tempted to look at other women, and we wives hit the ceiling. We are absolutely devastated, and even if he tries to make it better, we can’t get over it. We’re convinced that our husband is evil, or that he’s a pervert, too.
And then something that could have been dealt with and worked through gets blown up so much that it does end up wrecking trust.
When your husband admits to a sin, especially a sexual one, OF COURSE you will be hurt.
Absolutely. As his wife, you have the privileged position of being the only object of his sexual desire. If he violates that, you will be hurt.
We need to allow for that hurt.
But let me ask you this: In that hurt, can you keep perspective?
Let me tell you about a couple I know in their early 30s. They’re a ton of fun, they’re very open with each other about everything, and they have no secrets. He has struggled with pornography before and during their marriage, but he’s come through it and he’s doing his best to stay faithful.
Nevertheless, his eyes have always wandered. When he sees a beautiful woman, he looks.
But he doesn’t want to. And his wife knows he doesn’t want to. So if they’re out in public and his eyes–or his head–start turning, she touches his arm or his leg and just whispers, “eyes”. And he immediately turns to her and smiles, and, if he’s close enough, he gives her a kiss. And he whispers “I love you.”
Her husband is on the road to recovery with his battle with lust. He’s in an accountability group. He talks about it openly. And his wife is his greatest ally in that.
In those moments when his head turns (and it turns much less frequently now than it used to!), she could say to herself,
he’s never going to get over this, he doesn’t find me attractive, he’s always going to lust over other women,
and she could get angry and grow distance between them. Or, she could take her current approach. She could say to herself,
I know my husband loves me and that this is just a struggle for him. I know he doesn’t intend to do this and he doesn’t want to hurt me. So I’m going to help him.
This approach, of course, only works because her husband is grateful for it and is open about his struggle. There have been so many heartbreaking stories on this blog from women whose husbands did not want to stop looking at other women or did not think porn was wrong, and that is an entirely different situation.
But I do think that if husbands know that they can admit a temptation or a weakness without their wives becoming irate, then more people could talk about things before they got out of hand.
If your husband's struggles incur your wrath, he'll have to fight temptation alone.
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How Do You Become a Safe Place for Your Husband?
Keep perspective! If you find out something bad about him, like he was watching porn or struggling with lust or even texting another woman, ask yourself, “Is this who my husband wants to be, or is he struggling with something that he does want to fight against?”
If your husband is struggling, then fight with him.
Draw some boundaries so that it won’t happen again (like getting Covenant Eyes on your computers and devices or sharing passwords on your phone or changing his phone number), but then be on his side.
If he’s only upset that he got caught using porn, however, and doesn’t think you have a reason to be upset, then it’s best to bring in a third party or talk to someone else about how to walk through this.
But if he honestly wants to stop, then tell yourself: this sin and struggle is not bigger than our marriage and does not define my husband. And together we can beat it!
If your husband struggles with porn & wants to stop, then fight WITH him, not AGAINST him.
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Confront your own insecurities.
When I got married I had a LOT of rejection issues. So whenever Keith would get upset about something I would go into “he’s going to leave me!” mode, and that made it harder for him to bring up conversations we really needed to have. You may have issues, too, that make it harder for your husband to bring up some stuff. If you’ve got negative views of sex, for instance, or really feel like “men only want one thing”, then if he confesses something, you’re likely going to react out of your own hurt and not only to what he’s saying.
So fill your head with truth!
Here’s something I taught my daughter to do when she was struggling with anxiety. You need to distinguish between what you feel and what’s actually true.
You may feel that God created sex just for men and that all men are perverts. But your head may know that God created sex for you, too, and that it’s not wrong if guys want sex. So when those feelings come over you, start reciting back the things you know. That’s how you start to change the hold that feelings have over you. Fight back!
Take time to digest news.
For me, this would be the hardest one. If your husband confesses something that has the potential to blow up your marriage, it’s likely a good idea to not hash it all through right then. Find out the details, but then, even if it feels like it’s going to kill you, say something like, “I need three days before we talk about this more.” And then take those three days to process with a girlfriend, to tell yourself truth about your husband and your marriage, and to figure out what you’re going to do.
Those three days are important for two reasons: sometimes women are so desperate to save the marriage that they “forgive” too easily–if we mean by forgiving that they say, “it’s all right, everything will be all right, we’ll move forward from here.” Often people learn by experiencing the consequences of their actions, and they need to feel the pain of doing something wrong. God has to convict and change hearts, and if we’re too quick to sweep it under the rug, God may not have the chance to do the work that needs to be done. By taking a few days, you help give perspective that, “no, this wasn’t okay, and we do need to figure out how to make sure it doesn’t happen again.”
But then there’s the opposite problem, when women are so upset that they make it sound like the marriage has ended, when it hasn’t. Take some time to process and pray, and then you can figure out what the next rebuilding steps are (and sometimes rebuilding means drawing some major boundaries!).
Most problems in marriage can be solved if both parties are willing to work at it.
I once had a marriage mentor tell me that if both people are willing to work at a marriage, 95% of problems can be solved, no matter how big those problems are. But if only one person is willing to work at it, then less than half of problems can be solved, no matter how small.
If your husband messed up, it’s easy to say that it’s his fault if the marriage is on the rocks.
But if he’s willing to work at it and willing to change, then the ball is back in your court. Are you going to work with your husband, or are you going to stay upset?
Does that make sense? I know that if a guy isn’t willing to work at it there really is nothing you can do except for pray, but if a guy is willing to work, then let’s not make it worse. That’s all I mean. I hope that’s not a harsh thing to say. Let me know in the comments what you think!
The post Are You a Safe Place for Your Husband When He Falls? appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.
August 24, 2016
What To Do When Your Husband Disappoints You
Every Wednesday on To Love, Honor and Vacuum we talk marriage, because I love sharing things that will build up your relationship. Today Esther from Wellness Mom Life has a great perspective on how her husband’s attitude towards housework was a big disappointment when they married–and what she decided to do about it.
Love her heart–here’s Esther:
When I first got married, at the age of 21, I had a lot of expectations. I had a picture perfect idea in my mind of what marriage was going to be. I wasn’t prepared for the fact that my ideal image of married life might not be reality, and I was certainly not prepared for the disappointment that came along with that.
The Problem with Expectations in Marriage
We all come into marriage with certain expectations, whether we know it or not. How we grew up, what types of norms we had in our home, whether we had parents who were happily married or not, what our dreams about marriage were – these things all play a role in creating expectations for our own marriage.
The problem is, it’s rare that our expectations line up with reality. And when our expectations are not met – in marriage or otherwise – it can lead to disappointment.
We're rarely prepared for the disappointment of unmet expectations in marriage.
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My Unmet Expectations: Household Chores
When my husband and I got married, I had certain ideas about what he would do and what I would do around the house. I believed strongly that the husband and wife should share the household chores 50/50. I didn’t buy into the notion that the wife should do ALL the household duties, especially if both were working full time.
In addition, I grew up watching my father be very involved with the household duties, helping my mother out around the house quite a bit. I was looking for, and expecting, the same.
Prior to getting married, we never really discussed these issues. We were just crazy in love, and I think we both assumed that the other knew what we were expecting.
When we got married, and this did not automatically happen, I became frustrated. I was disappointed that my husband wasn’t jumping at the chance to vacuum or do the dishes. I also expected him to volunteer to help with things, even if I didn’t verbalize that expectation.
Unfortunately, these unmet expectations led to resentment, frustration, and conflict in our marriage.
Over time, I learned some important lessons about dealing with expectations and disappointment in marriage, and I want to share them with you.
While dealing with household chores may not be a challenge in your marriage, there are many other areas in which you might experience disappointment: your husband might not be the spiritual leader you desire, you may not have a healthy sex life, you might struggle with infertility, or you may be parenting a child who is strong-willed or intense.
These recommendations will apply regardless of the type of disappointment you are experiencing.
What To Do When Disappointment in Marriage Strikes
Has disappointment in marriage struck? 4 Steps to deal with unmet expectations:
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1. Bring it to God.
First of all, if you are experiencing disappointment in your marriage, you need to bring it to God. Lay down all of your hurt feelings, frustrations, and anger at His feet. He is always there to hear our cries, and He knows our hearts better than anyone else.
Anytime I’ve dealt with disappointment in my marriage, I have turned to journaling my prayers to God. Writing out my concerns has been very therapeutic for me, and at the same time, I’m praying and asking God to intervene or change my heart.
2. Evaluate your expectations for your husband.
As we know, disappointment is usually a result of unmet expectations. So it’s important to evaluate your expectations to determine whether they are realistic or not.
Try to be as objective as possible in this process. You may even need to discuss your expectations with a trusted friend who is willing to be honest with you.
Remember that in doing so, you don’t want to demean your husband – simply share what your expectations are about the issue, and ask your friend whether this seems reasonable or not.
You may discover that you are having unrealistic expectations, and you need to make changes in yourself rather than expecting your husband to change.
3. Address realistic expectations with your husband.
If you have determined that you have a realistic expectation that is not being met, it’s time to discuss this with your spouse. There are times that our husbands are not even aware of our expectations, and therefore, it’s impossible for them to meet them.
There are other times that your husband may be aware of your expectations, but he doesn’t necessarily agree with them. In this case, I find it most helpful if you approach the situation as a team.
You might say to your husband, “I have a concern about _____ issue, and I need your help to come up with a solution that works for both of us. I am feeling _______, and I would like to know how you are feeling about this issue.” Then, discuss the concern without accusing or attacking your spouse.
4. Check your attitude.
Oftentimes in my marriage, when I was experiencing disappointment about a particular issue, I would end up having a very negative attitude. I would allow my disappointment to affect the rest of my interactions with my husband.
Instead of checking my attitude and choosing to nurture positive thoughts about my husband, I would wallow in self-pity and frustration. A negative attitude is not helpful or beneficial to solving any problems in marriage.
If you are finding yourself stuck in a negative mindset, take steps to improve your attitude and outlook towards your husband.
What I’ve Learned About Expectations
In the end, I had to learn that marriage is not about 50/50. It’s not about having everything evenly divided so that it’s “fair”. It’s about both partners giving 100% and doing the best they can at that point in time.
My husband and I still sometimes run into challenges around our expectations and disappointment, but we keep the lines of communication open.
When one partner is struggling, overloaded, or stressed, the other partner may need to step it up, and vice versa.
In addition, each year we get away for a marriage retreat. During the weekend away, we assess where we are at, and re-adjust as needed. Throughout the year, we also have conversations about what is working and what is not when it comes to household duties, as well as the rest of our marriage.
Dealing with expectations and disappointment is inevitable in marriage. It’s not a matter of if that is going to happen, but rather how you handle it when it comes up.
So here’s my challenge for you:
1. Take time to determine what a few of your expectations have been in your marriage. Are they realistic, or unrealistic? Are they causing disappointment, resentment, or anger?
2. Determine how you can either change your expectations or talk with your spouse about an expectation that needs to be addressed. Try doing this in a way that will not be blaming or accusatory – instead attempt to do so while approaching the problem as a team.
3. Join the Better Attitude Marriage Challenge. This is a free, 5-day email challenge to help you have a better outlook on your marriage and learn practical steps you can take to improve your attitude!
What unmet expectations have you experienced in your marriage, and how have you dealt with them?
Esther Littlefield is a feisty pastor’s wife to her husband, Scott, and mom to her spirited daughter, KJ. They live in Maine where they enjoy as many outdoor adventures as possible in the midst of homeschooling, business, and church life. In her free time, you’d probably find her with a cup of coffee, a good friend, and a sink full of dishes. Esther is the founder of WellnessMomLife, helping moms balance marriage, motherhood, and ministry by caring for their personal, physical, spiritual, and relational wellness.
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August 23, 2016
10 Sexy Questions to Ask Your Husband–To Turn the Heat Up!
In my continuing quest to make marriage as fun as possible, I thought I’d write a post that’s more on the steamier side today, because seriously–if you’re married, sex should be awfully fun!
And sometimes we just need a small nudge to get us going in the right direction.
So if things have become a little stale in your marriage, here are a few sexy questions that can get the sparks going again.
Sexy Questions to Ask Your Husband–To Get in the Right Frame of Mind
Just warming up? Want him to start thinking in a certain direction? Here are some fun conversation starters!
Married sex should be fun sex! 10 Sexy Questions to Ask your Husband:
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Dare: Make these even hotter by asking them in a restaurant or somewhere semi-public where he’ll get frustrated but he’ll have to wait. Now, DON’T do this if anyone can overhear, obviously. PLEASE. But asking him these questions while rubbing your foot along his leg? Dynamite!
Or ask them in the car on the way home from a date. See what happens when you walk in the door!
1. Guess what panties I’m wearing!
This one’s fun to ask on the phone, too!
2. What’s the last sexy dream you had?
Be ready to reply with one of your own. He’ll likely turn the tables on you!
3. If you could replay any time with me in real life, what would it be?
Find out what he’s liked the best, and then repeat it.
4. At our wedding reception, what were you thinking of doing to me?
Ask him what he was anticipating the most. And if he’s not specific, then do some follow up questions. “Were you more looking forward to X or Y? What part of my body drove you the most crazy, Y or Z?” Find out how frustrated he was waiting to leave the party!
5. When we’re making love, what position gives you your favourite view?
Then ask him why!
Now let’s turn it up a notch.
Sexy Questions to Ask Your Husband–When You’re Heating Things Up!
6. Is this too revealing?
Put on your tightest top or your shortest skirt (that you NEVER wear out of the house, of course!), or wear just a bra and a camisole. Walk by him with whatever he’s doing and bend over and ask what he thinks! Make sure to run your hands over the part that you’re “worried” about, too!
7. Which affects you more?
Does he like to enjoy looking at your body? Do a little fashion show! Choose two outfits or lingerie sets and ask him which has the greater effect on him.
Bonus points: Check it out yourself! Feel what kind of an effect you’re having on him, and see which one works better! 
August 22, 2016
“Pornography Made Everything Worse.” Are We Listening?
There are no ifs, ands or buts about it.
Pornography is not harmless. It is not something that two consenting adults can watch and have fun together with no repercussions.
I don’t have time to write a big post today because (I’m really excited about this!) they’re coming to give me new internet in about 45 minutes, so I’ll be offline for a while. We have the slowest internet in the world, I think, and finally a company has laid down infrastructure in our subdivision so I can enter the “normal” speed world. And for me that’s important. It takes Katie about 8 hours to upload one of her YouTube videos when she’s here at home, and only about 20 minutes in her condo in Ottawa. So this will be a big change for me!
So I wanted to share something important today that I didn’t have to write myself.
This weekend I saw this video from Elizabeth Smart, who survived 9 months with a crazed kidnapper and his wife when she was just 14. I love how strong she is today. Please listen to her words; they matter.
Pornography made it worse.
Porn would fuel his desire to do things to her, so that being with his wife was no longer enough, and they had to go and kidnap an innocent little girl.
This weekend I got sucked down the YouTube black hole and I watched a documentary on Jaycee Dugard, too, who spent 18 years with her kidnapper (I think I’m actually distantly related to her; fourth cousin or something). Porn played a role there as well.
In fact, in every major sex crime you’ll ever hear about, I can practically guarantee you that the guy used porn. Canada’s infamous Paul Bernardo did. Ted Bundy did. They all did.
This is not to say that every porn user will become a rapist, but some will. And we can’t afford another young girl (or young boy) living through this.
But for all the high profile ones we know about, what about the quiet ones that never make the news? The stepchildren that are abused at home. The little sisters that are used. Even the daughters.
And for those who never abuse? They still have those images in their heads and it changes how they think about sex.
Sex is no longer about intimacy; it’s about taking something from someone else.
It’s an extremely impersonal act where objectifying the other person is part of the allure. And once you’ve gone down that road, it’s so hard to get “normal” sexuality back.
This is serious stuff. We need to fight back. One way we can do that is to make sure that all of us with teens in the house have Covenant Eyes installed on our computers, devices and tablets. It doesn’t cost very much (and you get one month free if you use my link!), but it means that if anyone is tempted to look at porn, it will be easier to overcome that temptation because you know that someone will find out. Often that’s all it takes to withstand that temptation.
Think of all the things you were tempted to do as a teenager. What if they could have been accomplished at just the click of a mouse? You’d likely have given in, right? That’s not enough time for your brain to say, “wait a minute, I don’t really want to do this.” Not enough time to listen to the Holy Spirit.
But if you install something where they know there are repercussions (or where there’s a filter on anyway), then they may just stop.
Our teens deserve better than what we’re giving them.
Our boys deserve to grow up and still know how to make love, and not just use somebody. Our girls deserve to grow up and know what it is to be cherished and cradled. And our girls deserve to grow up to desire to be loved, not just to desire to be used (which is what happens to girls who watch porn).
What are we doing to this generation? And what are unleashing on the world? Let’s make sure that our corner of the world, at least, is safe.
Please listen to Elizabeth Smart’s words and share them. You can share that YouTube video here; let’s make sure more people see it. And then protect your kids.
Thank you.
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August 19, 2016
When Your Marriage Feels Distant–It’s Usually Not What You Think!
Every Friday I like to post a quick 400-word marriage inspirational piece to give you one thought to chew on over the weekend. This week’s is a super important one. Please read it with an open mind, because often when you’re in the middle of a distant marriage, it’s easy to feel like there’s nothing you can do. What if there is?
Sheila’s Marriage Moment: When Your Marriage Feels Distant
Are you generally a nice person?
Seriously, do people generally like you? Are you kind to others, asking about how they’re doing and genuinely caring if they’re having a hard time? Do you go out of your way to make others feel at ease around you?
Now, try your best to answer this one objectively: Is your husband generally a nice person? Do others find him trustworthy and kind? Do others consider him responsible?
If you’re like most people, the answer to both questions will be “yes”, because most people enjoy being liked by others and genuinely enjoy having good relationships with others.
(Some people don’t. Some people honestly do see others are means to an end, and in that case, we’re likely dealing with a mental illness or true personality disorders. In that’s true for you, please read this post about emotionally destructive marriages.)
Now ask yourself this question: Am I a different person with the way that I act towards my husband? Is he a different person with the way he acts towards me?
For instance, I have a friend who is a gregarious person, who is always helpful and kind. She’s always smiling, and she has a ton of friends. Yet with her husband she rarely smiles and rarely has a conversation. She just explains what she needs him to do, and that’s where talking ends.
The way that she acts with her husband is completely at odds with her natural personality.
Similarly, her husband is usually very aware of others’ feelings and goes to lengths to make sure those in their church feel welcome. Yet he doesn’t seem to care for his wife.
I have seen this dynamic in so many relationships, and here’s what I’ve concluded:
When two people treat each other much more harshly and less lovingly than they treat everyone else, the problem is usually a relationship one, not a character one.
When spouses treat each other worse than everyone else, it often can be fixed. Here's why:
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That’s so key to understand, because the reason that the negative dynamic started was usually something like this:
He does something and she feels hurt. She assumes that he meant to hurt her. She tries to explain and he doesn’t get it, cementing the idea that he doesn’t care. She withdraws. He feels distant, so he withdraws. And soon they’re prickly with each other because they both feel unloved.
But what if he never meant to hurt her? What if it was simply a misunderstanding? What if it’s simply personality differences? After years of hurt and more walls being built up, it’s hard to get back to the beginning.
Most divorces happen because two people start treating each other worse than they do everybody else because they’ve been hurt. So ask yourself: Is the way we treat each other indicative of our character, or really more a sign of our relationship?
And if it’s your relationship–it’s totally fixable! Sit down and talk about it. Try to start doing more fun things together and build your friendship with your husband. Be kind. And you may find that that dynamic can change back!
What’s #1 at To Love, Honor and Vacuum?
This week we’ve got a mix from all over the blog spectrum with a 1-4 count–a post for whatever you may be dealing with this week!
#1 NEW Post on the Blog: It’s My Birthday. So I’ve Got A Present For You!
#2 on the Blog Overall: Top 10 Effects Of Porn On Your Brain, Your Marriage, And Your Sex Life
#3 from Facebook: How To Become More Orgasmic
#4 from Pinterest: Why Do Teenagers Rebel? Thoughts From A 19-Year-Old Who Didn’t
I’ve got a few interviews this morning, and some friends I haven’t seen since university coming to dinner, so I’m going to run now and get started with my day. But I hope you have a wonderful weekend!
The post When Your Marriage Feels Distant–It’s Usually Not What You Think! appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.
August 18, 2016
The One Skill Everyone Must Have Before They Leave Home
She’s been home for the summer, and it’s been lovely to have her here, but it’s time for her to go back. She misses being an adult, I think.
And she really is an adult!
She lives with three other young women and they all take turns cooking and all the chores are divided out. The house runs really well.
Yesterday we were talking about setting goals in your family with your husband, and today I want to suggest a specific goal if you have kids at home: teach your kids to cook.
Cooking is the one skill everyone must have before they leave home.
Every kid should know how to cook before they leave home. Does yours?
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There are others, too, like how to manage your money or how to navigate public transit. But, seriously, everybody needs to know how to cook. It’s healthier, it’s cheaper, it lets you be hospitable, and it’s far more conducive to good family life when they do get married!
Here’s one of Katie’s posts from Instagram shortly after she moved out last year:
THAT was a proud Mommy moment!
Katie claims I started teaching her to cook breakfast when she was 6, and she had to make the pancakes because I was too lazy. That’s not how I remember it, but that’s her story and she’s sticking to it.
But the fact is that the girls were helping me around the kitchen when they were really young. Even though they sometimes (okay, often) slowed me down, I figured:
It helped us have mommy/daughter time
They learned some important lessons
We could do math in an interesting way (measuring cups!)
They were more likely to eat what they cooked
Eventually they’d master this stuff and then I’d get a break!
That last one was especially important for me. And you know what? It happened! By the time they were 11 and 12 they were making dinner occasionally, and I had the night off. Here’s Rebecca at 15 making dinner!
Now, I had all girls, but I think this is just as important if you have boys. EVERYBODY needs to know how to cook, because even if you’re married, there are times when everyone will have to cook for themselves. You can’t rely on someone else, and to believe that the spouse will do all of the cooking puts an undue strain on the relationship before it even starts! Now, I do do most of the cooking because I enjoy it and that’s how Keith and I have divided up tasks. But if Keith had to make dinner–he certainly could. So teach your boys to cook!
The best gift you can give your future daughter-in-law is a son who can cook!
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And with school starting again, I think this is a great time of year to start planning for it. How are you going to teach your kids to cook? When? It won’t just magically happen without a plan!
That’s where Kids Cook Real Food comes in
If you want to teach your kids how to cook, but you have no idea how to start, Katie Kimball has created the Kids Cook Real Food online course where you watch videos of her actual kids cooking (they range in age from about 4 to early teens, so there’s a good mix), and then there are learning objectives and recipes for each lesson. Kids learn how to wash and cut produce, how to use spices, how to measure, how to bake, and so much more!
And Katie (Katie with the ecourse, not my daughter Katie) focuses on cooking “real” food, not just learning how to make spaghetti from a jar or a can. She shows kids how to make food from scratch–and how it really isn’t that hard.
Katie says:
We’ll provide everything you need to get your kids from kitchen assistants to independent cooks – and you get to have fun in the kitchen.
Plus, this is finally a class that all your kids can do together – no more trying to find time to meet the needs of each age individually. You can all spend time together AND have a final product that you can eat for dinner.
There’s no fluff, no games, and no glitter.
Promise.
And she means it, too! I’ve taken a look at all these resources, and they’re really comprehensive. And really fun! I know my kids would have loved this.
Check it out here!
Leanne Seel, one of my blog readers, was actually the one who told me about this amazing course (seriously, my blog readers tell me about the coolest stuff!). (Full disclosure: I’m an affiliate for it now, but only because I legitimately love it! I’m totally on board for ANYTHING that helps kids learn to be responsible and stops mom from feeling like a maid.) Leanne’s been working through the course with her kids, and here’s how she explains it:
The Kids Cook Real Food eCourse is a multimedia online course designed to help adults teach kids to cook. It includes videos, PDF files, printable graphics, and recipe ebooks. You do not need to be a chef or teacher to use this program. Course creator Katie Kimball is absolutely brilliant in how she’s put this together. She walks you through exactly what you need to do, making the lessons easy to implement and fun to do.
My kids love “Mrs. Kimball”. They cheer when I tell them it’s time for their cooking class. Seeing other kids demonstrating the skills in the videos is really motivating to them, and they use every opportunity they can to practice their skills both during the lesson and afterwards.
I have saved so much time in the kitchen by using this course! I invest less than an hour of my time for each lesson, and the payback is immediate. My kids have learned to make their own healthy snacks so I don’t have to. They wash the produce for salad while I chop, cutting the prep time in half. This week, our lesson is on sharp knife skills so very soon they will be able to take over more vegetable chopping.
Food preparation is one of those uber-important life skills. Kids Cook Real Food can help you save time now giving your children the skills they need for the future.
It really is awesome.
But you know what often stops us? Dinner time is too rushed. We don’t have time to incorporate cooking skills into an evening. We don’t have time to have kids underfoot in the kitchen. We’d rather they just play by themselves and let us get the meal on the table so we can get on with the important stuff of living.
But what if teaching your kids to cook IS the important stuff of living?
Seriously, isn’t it more important than a karate class? Than swimming lessons? Than having play time?
It helps you spend quality time with your kids where they’ll have your attention. It helps them learn such an important life skill. And it helps them eventually take over those tasks so they learn to be responsible and contribute to the household.
Any time you’re teaching something it’s going to be some work. But if pays off big time once they can do it! And imagine how grown up a 10-year-old will feel knowing that they can make a meal all by themselves?
School’s about to start, and whether your kids are in public school, private school, or homeschool, it means that life will get hectic. Now’s the time when YOU are setting the schedule for the rest of the year, deciding what activities you’ll be doing, when you’ll be doing homework, what chores kids will be doing.
Can I suggest that you take one night a week and call it “cooking class night”? Your kids will love it. You’ll love the results. And your kids will know how to cook when they leave home! It’s a win-win.
Katie Kimball only opens up the course at certain times of the year. You can’t just register any time–though once you have access you can take the classes any time you want. She opened up registration yesterday, and it’s open until Wednesday, August 24.
Take advantage of this offer now!
Now tell me: how did you learn to cook? Do you teach your kids to cook? Let’s talk in the comments!
The post The One Skill Everyone Must Have Before They Leave Home appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.
