Sheila Wray Gregoire's Blog, page 147
October 26, 2016
Wifey Wednesday: How Keith and I Are Learning to Ballroom Dance Online
You see, we’ve taken ballroom dancing lessons a few times at a local dance company and a local college, and it’s been fun. But we always learn about 2 or 3 steps for each dance, and then that’s all we can do. So we’ll be on a cruise ship, wanting to dance, and after about 20 seconds of the song we’re all done. We have no more moves!
Yesterday I was sharing with you a list of hobbies married couples can do. (Download that list for your phone so you can brainstorm with your husband!) I know that many of you read that and thought, “well, sure, we could do that if we had a ton of money, an army of baby-sitters, and a boatload of time.” And so you scrolled right past.
(You did. Admit it!)
But I want to show you how you can actually learn something and start a new hobby (like ballroom dancing!) with relatively little time, very little money, and no baby-sitters at all. And that’s because so many things can be learned online now! I’m going to give you an example with ballroom dancing, because we’ve really enjoyed doing this one together, but then I’ll show you a bunch of other things you can learn together and start developing a great hobby!
Keith and I decided a few months ago to search for online ballroom dancing lessons, and we found Leon from Passion4Dancing. He teaches all different types of ballroom dancing steps, with more and more complexity. You can learn swing, chacha, rhumba, jive, foxtrot, waltz, and so many more (and it’s okay if you don’t know what those words mean at first!) Each video is about 8 minutes long, and each video builds on each other, so at the end of a few videos you have a routine. And then you can learn some more and just keep building on it! It’s quite good fun.
(these links are affiliate links; but I reached out to Leon AFTER Keith and I already started using the videos saying, “I want to share this with my readers!”)
So I want to show you that it really works. Our daughter Katie is home for reading week, and I asked her to help us film learning the Rhumba.
(Seriously, isn’t my husband the sweetest to film this with me?)
Here’s what we do: We pick a dance, and we decide that we’re going to get good at it.
So we learn one step a night, and then we download some of the suggested music selections for that dance and practice with them. That helps us overcome the other problem I’ve found with traditional ballroom dancing lessons: you get used to doing the waltz or whatever with one particular song. And then you’re at a loss if another song comes on! Now we can try with different music, and try out the new steps, and it’s great! And then next time we’re at a wedding or we go out dancing or we go on a cruise, we can actually do more than just two steps and make it past 20 seconds.
I know a lot of guys don’t want to learn to dance because they don’t want to look like fools. But this is so super easy. No one else is watching you. Leon breaks down the steps for the guy twice, and then for the woman twice, and then even gives tips for the guy on how to lead and what to do with your arms. So it’s really not hard. And then he shows you how to put all the steps you’re learning together!
We’re working on rhumba now because that’s our weakest dance. (We actually already know 4 or 5 steps in swing or foxtrot, so we’re good there for 50 seconds before we have to repeat!). But we’re going to move on to the advanced lessons for some of the other dances and try to get even better.
Even if you want to create a dance for your wedding (because I know I have a lot of engaged women on the site!), you can do it this way by building ballroom dancing steps together, learning one a night, and having a complete dance at the end. And no one will laugh at you!
Check out Passion4Dancing to start learning how to ballroom dance online, in the comfort of your own home.
And Leon has given us the code Sheila15 to get 15% off your subscription, good until the end of November.
Here’s one reason we really enjoy ballroom dancing: It’s just plain romantic.
Keith was never the biggest fan of dancing. He always feels like he overanalyzes the steps and it doesn’t come naturally to him. But once we’ve practiced, and we’re good at something, we really do have a lot of fun. And he’s holding me, and he’s leading me, and we get to do something active–it’s really kinda sexy. I had to talk him into lessons when we first started. He did it just because he wanted to make me happy. But he honestly does enjoy it now–once he’s mastered the steps and feels confident. And he always jokes that it’s a good way to get me in the mood! Because seriously–it is romantic.
What if dancing isn’t your thing? That’s okay! You can take lots of other classes online and learn to do something interesting. I’ve always been a big fan of Craftsy, because they offer detailed, step-by-step classes in just about any craft imaginable. I’m a bit knitting fan, and their knitting classes are great. But it’s doubtful that your husband would want to learn to knit with you!
But what about learning photography together? Or furniture refinishing? Or even gourmet cooking, like focusing on a specific cuisine? You could just pick something you want to learn this month, and then every Thursday night you work through the lesson, or something like that. And you have fun together and learn something useful.
Check out all of Craftsy’s possibilities here (and don’t be deceived by all the knitting on the home page! There really are guy-friendly courses in there).
Here’s the point, people: There really is no excuse to spending your life watching Netflix or just browsing social media all night. It’s not that there isn’t anything else to do; it’s that you simply haven’t discovered it yet! And if you can actually DO something together, where you can communicate and laugh and learn something, you’ll build memories and build your relationship.
And it doesn’t have to take a lot of time! We dance for maybe 15 minutes a night. That’s it. One video and some practising. But we’re building on what we’re learning, and it makes us feel closer.
I’m trying to urge you this week towards better communication as a couple and having more fun together.
And I truly don’t think it has to take that much time or that much effort. It’s just inserting a few new things that will help you laugh and learn into the schedule.
Winter’s coming up here in Canada, and that means we’ll be stuck indoors for a lot of months. Sure, we can do a few outdoor activities, but it’s not as fun, and I’m just not that hardy. So I’m going to take advantage of all the things that we can do from home to build our marriage! What about you?
Let me know: Have you ever taken a class with your spouse? What did you learn? Let’s talk in the comments!
The post Wifey Wednesday: How Keith and I Are Learning to Ballroom Dance Online appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.
October 25, 2016
An Awesome List of 79 Hobbies To Do With Your Spouse
This week at To Love, Honor and Vacuum we’re talking about how to emotionally connect. Yesterday we looked at how to reconnect with your husband if you feel like your marriage has gotten emotionally distant. But no matter where you are in your marriage, you need some hobbies!
A hobby is simply an activity or pursuit that you do together.
And hobbies can bring couples close because of two communication principles:
It is often easier to communicate side by side, when you’re doing something, than it is to try to communicate face to face.
When we spend more time together with shared activities (like hobbies!), then we build up goodwill, which makes it easier to tackle some of the bigger problems in marriage.
We all need shared activities, because that builds shared memories. You feel more like a team. You start chatting again (and the more you talk about little things, the easier it is to talk about big things!). And you laugh. Whenever you laugh together, walls come down. Tension dissipates. And you feel close.
Often those petty things that bug you about each other seem to disappear!
Besides, it’s just plain fun to share hobbies as couples.
It’s fun to spend time away from a screen. It’s fun to build a memory or be productive or experience something new. And it’s fun to learn together! Here’s the neat thing about pursuing hobbies as a married couple, too: you don’t each have to love it to the same extent. The goal is not the hobby itself. The goal is spending time together and having those opportunities to laugh and chat.
My husband and I go birdwatching. I enjoy it. It gets me outdoors; we get some exercise hiking; I learn more about photography.
But Keith will trek 2 miles through brush to sit still at dawn in the hopes that it might be a king rail. He will stand still at the base of a tree for 10 minutes to verify whether that was a white throated sparrow or a white crowned sparrow. He is WAY more into it than I am.
But we still go birdwatching together, because I’m in it for the memories, not just for the birds. And when he wants to do something intense with counting birds, he goes without me.
I’m going to share a whole bunch of ideas for hobbies you can pursue together. Take this post as more of a brainstorming session. Maybe something I’ll mention will twig something in your brain and you’ll find an entirely different hobby to share with your husband! But what I’d recommend is this:
Finding a Hobby to Do as a Couple
Look through this list and identify 3 hobbies you’d like to start with your husband.
Have your husband look through the list and identify 3 hobbies he’d like to start.
Exchange lists and choose one on the other person’s list that you’d enjoy, too.
Choose one to start first!
A Comprehensive List of Hobbies for Couples
Download this list to your phone or computer right now!
Then you can talk it over with your spouse together.
Outdoorsy Hobbies for Couples
Hiking
Birdwatching
Fishing
Hunting
Snowmobiling
Kayaking
Canoeing
Sailing
Windsurfing
Golfing
Tennis
Biking
Jogging/Training for Marathon
Joining a co-ed sports league: basketball, baseball, soccer, etc.
Skiing
Target practice
Rock climbing (on real rocks)
Photography
Metal detecting
Foraging (for wild mushrooms or other edibles)
Sporty Indoor Hobbies for Couples
Working out/weightlifting
Yoga for couples
Aquafit
Racquetball/Squash
Swimming
Bowling
Rock climbing (at an indoor club)
Ballroom dancing
Irish dancing
Square Dancing/Line Dancing
Zumba classes
Events to Attend Together
NASCAR races
Sporting events, especially more minor league local ones
Plays, dance performances, or comedians
Music performances: symphonies, bands, worship groups
Special museum or art gallery exhibits
Film festivals or film clubs
Games Hobbies for Couples
Chess league
Puzzles
Board game club (even start your own)!
Euchre club (host your own euchre parties)
Bridge club
Strategy video game (my husband play just one game of Crusader Kings and it lasts for several months!)
A HUGE list of 79 hobbies couples can do together! Check it out and brainstorm together!
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Educational Hobbies for Couples
Touring art galleries and nearby historical sites
Learning local history and becoming tour guides
Tracing your family tree
Planning an educational trip, like a rainforest trip to learn about nature or a European trip to trace some World War II battles. Do research together beforehand.
Touring wineries
Domestic Hobbies for Couples to do Together
Gardening
Cooking (cook something gourmet once or twice a week together)
Homesteading (where you try to become self-sufficient in some food products)
Home improvement/painting
Income Producing Hobbies for Couples
Refinishing furniture
Painting furniture
Building furniture
Yard sale/flea marketing and find items to refinish or repurpose
Starting an etsy or ebay business
Starting a blog on a topic you both enjoy
Photography/Videography
Catering
Things to Start Collecting as a Couple
Art by a certain artist
Local art
Stamps or coins
Sea glass/seashells/driftwood
Old books, magazines, or comic books
Memorabilia from a certain period/cultural trend/historical event
Then attend auctions, visit flea markets, spend time searching online together!
Classes to Take Together
Cooking, including specific cuisines
Computer Software
Investing
Financial Planning
Natural Health/Herbs
Theology
Places to Volunteer Together
At church: in worship, youth, building upkeep, finances, anything
At a local arts organization–a local theatre, a local dance troupe, a local symphony, a museum, an art gallery
At a youth organization–Girl Scouts, Boy Scouts, Big Brothers or Big Sisters, a local school
At a nursing home/old age home
At a hospital doing visitation
At a food bank or other outreach centre
At a refugee welcome centre
So there’s my list–what would you add to it?
Remember–Download this list RIGHT NOW to your computer or phone so you have it handy to talk to your spouse about!
Of course, some things feel like they should be on the list, but they’re not technically hobbies. Going out to the local gelato shop, for instance, is awfully fun! So is hanging around a fun local bookstore and having a coffee.
Whatever you choose, though, just find something that you can do at least on a weekly basis. When the kids are little, it’s likely easier to try something you can do at home, like taking some online classes together or learning something new or something domestic. Or try something outdoorsy where the kids can come along, like hiking or searching for sea glass. And as they get older, it will be easier for you to find new hobbies to do with your husband, too!
So let me know–any hobbies you’d add? I’ll keep the list updated!
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October 24, 2016
Reader Question: How Do I Reconnect with My Husband?
“How do I reconnect with my husband?”
That’s a question I get in various forms from so many of you who email. Life has gotten too busy, you feel like you pass like ships in the night, and you just want to feel like you know each other again.
This week on To Love, Honor and Vacuum we’re going to look at how to reconnect on a heart level with our spouse. All week we’ll be looking at new ways to spend time together, ways to make date nights easier (and more fun!), and ways to talk more. And then, at the end of the week, I’m going to invite you to take my free five lesson course on how to grow closer as a couple (just putting the finishing touches on that right now!)
But since on Mondays I always answer a reader question, here are two to get us started:
I am married to an emotionally distant man. We go through the motions of being married, but I have no idea what’s actually going on in his heart. In fact, I doubt there’s much there at all. And he certainly has no idea what’s going on in mine! We only have one child left at home and I’m afraid that when he leaves for college we’ll have nothing left between us.
Another woman writes:
I’m tired of feeling all alone! My husband doesn’t want to do anything except play on his computer or play video games. We never spent any time together. Shouldn’t marriage be about the two of you? I don’t know how much more loneliness I can take.
Okay, those are rather sad to start off our week. But I know many of you are lonely. So let’s set the stage here on what emotional connection looks like, what it doesn’t look like, and how we can move towards reconnecting.
Some truths about emotional connection
Connection is based on communication. And there are five different levels of communication–cliches, facts, opinions, feelings, needs.
We can share facts about our day–“It was so busy today, the last client didn’t leave until 5:15, and I didn’t think I was going to get out of there.”
But we can also share feelings–“I’m not even sure I like this job. People put so many demands on you and it all seems so pointless. We’re not producing anything worthwhile anyway.”
And then you can get to the point of sharing needs–“I just feel like there’s more to life than this. When I’m in my shop with a saw and some wood, I feel like I’m creating something. But all day long at work I feel like I’m just chasing paper, playing some big game, that doesn’t mean anything. I need more than that.”
Do you see the difference?
And many couples never get beyond facts or opinions.
Here’s the problem: when you’re stuck at the facts or opinions level, tension is going to start to build up, because you’re not really emotionally connected. You don’t know anything about what’s going on in each other’s hearts.
And so with each interaction that is only surface level, it’s going to feel like you’re actually growing more distant. That’s right: talking may actually make you feel worse, if the talking isn’t about something important.
And you can’t just jump over several levels of communication and expect to be able to get truly vulnerable and talk about your needs without starting to share consistently at some of the other levels.
That’s why the answer to grow emotional connection isn’t necessarily to do something big. If you start insisting on a date night, for instance, where it’s supposed to be all romantic, you’re almost guaranteed to be disappointed and hurt. There’s too much tension there to have the date night go well! Instead, it’s better to start with little things to put into your day that can help you connect, and then, once that connection is starting to be there, add some bigger things to your life regularly that are low-stress and low-pressure.
That’s what we’re going to look at this week!
So add something little so you can connect emotionally.
Feeling emotionally distant from your husband? Small steps can make all the difference!
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But first, a few more truths about reconnecting with your husband:
Truth #1: Most men are not emotionally distant or emotionally unavailable
Some men may indeed be emotionally unavailable, but what I’ve found in so many marriages is that the couple has built up patterns of interaction that have made sharing feelings hard, so the guy shuts down.
So ask yourself this–when we were dating, did I know what my husband was feeling and thinking? Did he talk about his needs? Was he vulnerable to me? If so, it’s unlikely he’s suddenly become completely emotionally unavailable. It’s more likely that life has made him stressed, or that you’ve gotten into negative patterns of relating that have cut you both off from each other.
Truth #2: Most people actually want a good marriage
The vast majority of people rank having a good marriage as a major goal of theirs.
Most people want a good marriage. Feeling distant from your husband? Don't assume the worst!
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Often when we’re distant, though, we assume it’s because he must be angry at me and doesn’t really love me anymore. We project negative feelings on our husbands that they may not actually have. He just may feel awkward, stressed, or unsure of what to do. Most likely he wants to feel closer to you, too! But he probably feels a lot of failure when he’s around you, because you’re likely upset at the lack of communication, and he senses it. And when a guy senses that he’s disappointed you, he will tend to retreat.
Of course he shouldn’t do that! But that’s not really the point right now: the point I want you to grasp is that your husband most likely wants to reconnect with you, too! Few people honestly want to go through life feeling distant from their spouse.
So here’s your assignment: assume the best of him. Assume that he is not deliberately keeping you at arm’s length. It will make a huge difference!
Truth #3: Most people are lazy
We fall into these ruts, like playing video games all night or watching Netflix and never talking. And then those turn into habits. And it’s hard to break a habit unless there’s something else vying for our attention. If you guys are used to separating at night, it’s going to be hard to start doing something together unless there’s an actual option ahead of you. So when he goes off and gets back on his computer after dinner, it isn’t necessarily that he’s deliberately abandoning you. He’s developed a habit. And he isn’t likely to break that habit unless there’s something else on the agenda for that night.
Truth #4: Men appreciate low-key communication
Or, to put it another way, women like to communicate face to face, when we’re sitting across the table sharing our hearts. Men are more likely to communicate side by side, when they’re doing something together. If you try to force him to sit down and talk to you, he’ll likely feel very uncomfortable, like he’s on the spot. So try reconnecting by actually doing something!
Putting it All Together: Baby Steps for Reconnecting with Your Husband
Suggest something small
Walls of tension have built up between you which make it hard to talk about something important. And here’s a simple fact:
When we lose the ability to talk about the little things, then we lose the ability to talk about the big things.
When we lose the ability to talk about little things, we lose the ability to talk about big…
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Talking about the state of your relationship and talking about that tension is definitely a big thing. So that isn’t your aim. Instead, your aim should be to bring down some of those walls so that it becomes easier to talk about big things!
That comes by suggesting something small. Why not take a walk after dinner? Or share a cup of coffee together right after the kids go to bed? You don’t need to spend the whole evening together. Just develop a new habit that helps you start to talk without tension.
Ask with no guilt trips
Don’t say, “I feel like we haven’t talked in ages. Can we talk tonight?” That puts him on the defensive immediately. Or steer clear of, “All you ever do is get on the computer. How about you just give me ten minutes for once tonight?” Again, negative connotation.
Try something like this:
Hey, hon, how about after dinner we take a quick walk around the neighbourhood and get some exercise and look at the leaves?
Or even, why don’t we share a cup of coffee together before we get on our computers tonight?
Be deliberate
Then, when you are together, let’s do something deliberate that helps take us to deeper levels of communication. I’ve talked about this concept before, but this one habit can change everything about how you feel about each other. Ask him, “What’s the best time you had today? When did you feel more productive and most successful?” Then share your own. Then ask him, “When were you most stressed and disappointed today?” Then share your own experience.
Don’t make judgments or try to fix anything. Just listen. Laugh. Repeat back some of the things he was saying. And that’s it. It doesn’t have to take very long. Maybe just ten minutes.
And then go back to your computer or Netflix. The rest of your evening may still be lonely. But let’s work on simply starting to communicate again and opening the doors to feeling like you know each other. That brings the tension level down, and after a few weeks of that you’re ready to start tackling some bigger issues! But try to fix everything in one go, and you’ll be adding to tension, not taking away from it. You can’t talk about big problems in your relationship until you’ve built up some goodwill to handle it. And this is the easiest way to do it!
Don’t forget the power of making love to help you reconnect with your husband!
One more thought. Here’s what happens when there’s tension in a relationship: we tend to retreat in the areas of our lives where we’re the most vulnerable. So women retreat sexually, and men retreat emotionally. But what happens when we do that? We make that distance worse, because women tend to feel closer when we share emotionally, and men tend to feel closer when we share sexually. Make love to a man, and it’s going to much easier to have those conversations about feelings. Talk to a woman on a heart level, and it’s going to be much easier to make love to her.
So if you’re feeling emotionally detached from your husband, ask yourself this: Have I been open sexually with him?
Hold on a second. Stop everything you’re thinking right now! I can just hear the wheels start to turn. “How do you expect me to make love to a guy who never ever talks to me? How do you expect me to want to be that open with someone who doesn’t even care about me?”
I get it. I do. But please hear me out: if the emotional distance is bothering you, just realize that it may not have started out as emotional distance. It may have started as sexual distance. And it’s amazing how making love can often, in and of itself, start to bring down the tension level in your relationship!
Now, if there are other issues, like trust issues, or infidelity, or emotional abuse, then I’m not saying you should jump into bed with him at all. You really need to get help! But I do believe that if we can start reconnecting in small ways in every area of our relationship, it’s going to be much easier to feel emotionally connected!
For the rest of the week we’re going to look at other ways we can reconnect and spend more time together. But for today, if there’s a lot of tension, I’d just like you to start by doing something small.
What do you think? Have you ever experienced a dynamic like this in your marriage? What did you do about it? Let’s talk in the comments!
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October 21, 2016
How God Can Use a Blog to Change Marriages
I guess that’s what I’ve been feeling this week as we talk about community here on To Love, Honor and Vacuum: Thank you, God, for work that matters.
I’ve said that prayer over and over again over the last few years. I especially say it after I speak, because I get to talk to people face to face who hear what I’m saying.
I don’t get that same feedback online, but as I’ve been conversing with commenters this week, I’ve learned a lot.
On Fridays I like to share a short, inspirational 400-word marriage thought to take you through the weekend, but this week, to cap off our community theme, I thought I’d share a thought from someone in our community, who sent this in to me. It’s important.
It’s all about how you think! She writes…
When I came across your blog, I had just started a new job, my little girl was about two years old and I was battling a crippling fear I had never experienced before. I used to wake up during the night, absolutely paralysed with fear, with perspiration running down my face, neck and back. I was too scared to move. I felt so anxious I would literally get sick. Every time I faced a meal, I would panic because the thought of swallowing and choking used to drive the fear in even deeper.
I was basically looking for a way out.
Any and every thought that came into my head presented itself to me as truth. The only other person I have come across who has experienced such anxiety is Virtuous Woman Exposed (Sheila says: another awesome Canadian blogger!). So, when I logged onto your website, I was looking for a way out.
For 30 years plus, the only thing I ever heard my mom say was that marrying my dad was a mistake. So, when I was going through such a rough time, I found myself thinking the same thing. I thought that my marriage and my life was a mistake. I was simply though repeating the rhetoric I had heard for 30 years.
Even just typing that brings a lump to my throat when I think that I logged onto google to find a way out. Instead I got to your The Vow Matters post. I remember sitting at my desk and feeling like a brick had hit my chest with the fear at what I was about to embark on. That post saved me. Then I came across a post from Gary Thomas about loving our spouses not because they’re lovable, but in obedience to Christ. Slowly, I started to make changes – the biggest change was to my thinking.
Did I really think that my God was so small as to allow me to make such a huge life altering mistake when I married?
Yes, I used to believe that – now I know that he is the Blessed Controller and is actively engaged in our lives – even when we don’t see it. It is almost like God took me and said, “Right, we need to deal with your fear, your lack of trust, your attitude to your marriage, your sexuality and although these are all separate issues for you, they are all very distinctly connected.” And that is exactly what He has done – by helping me daily to focus on renewing my mind.
I know there is a lot of “political correctness” when it comes to anxiety and depression, and I know I had to go onto antidepressants for a while (not once, but a few times in my life and I have battled anxiety and depression virtually my entire life), but I have very strongly come to believe that many people develop chemical imbalances because of negative thinking; they don’t just think negatively because there is a chemical imbalance.
I’m not a doctor, and I cannot prove this but I have seen time and time again people going onto antidepressants but their thinking hasn’t changed one bit. I think very differently now than I did a few years ago – thanks to reading these amazing blogs and following the work of Dr Caroline Leaf and her 21 day brain detox programme (she is an amazing Christian and brings everything back to the word of God).
I know now that God is more in control that we realise, He is more actively engaged that we can give Him credit for and He loves us so passionately that He will use any and every situation for our good. Our God is not a small God.
So, I became an avid reader of your blog and a few others and I am like a sponge just soaking up any and every bit of advice to grow my marriage. The most important thing I have realised is that irrespective of my background or family history, I am important to God. And my marriage is important to God.
I still have fears, and I still feel anxious at times, but I have learnt (am learning) to trust God even in the midst of those fears. And I have learnt that any thought that goes against God’s word is strictly from the evil one – God would never, ever guide us to go against His word. Ever.
So, things are much better for me now, and much better in my marriage – and I have seen changes both in me and my husband that I could never have imagined. In fact, when I started the antidepressants, I almost surrendered myself to the fact that I would probably be on these for the rest of my life and I wanted to learn how to compensate for my anxiety. Yet, I have been off them for about two years now and I have not looked back. I feel in awe that God would worry about little old me here in [she mentioned her small town] and worry about my marriage – but He does.
Who am I for Him to even know me? And love me?
And yet, He does. I still have a far way to go, the biggest of which is dealing with the fear of something happening to go back to that awful, fearful phase, but I know that my God is bigger than that and even if that did happen, I have walked that path before, I can walk it again. It is like a dream come true to wake in the middle of the night and feel at peace and to lean over and feel a sense of fulfilment feeling my husband’s body next to mine. I praise this amazing God for not allowing me to walk down that road – and I am so grateful for the blogs I have come across that continue to nurture me and challenge me so that I can grow to become more like Christ. Thank you.
What’s #1 at To Love, Honor and Vacuum This Week?
Talking about sex isn’t exactly easy for some people and because of this, people don’t always get the chance to ask questions or learn about what might make the experience everything they want it to be. This week’s Tops have some great tips and are a great place to start if you have questions (and you can always send me your questions too!).
#1 Post on the Blog: Where Do I Turn For Answers To Really Awkward Sex Questions?
#1 on the Blog Overall: Top 10 Tips For Initiating Sex With Your Husband
#2 from Facebook: I Have To Speak About Sex…With My Mothers In The Audience!
#2 from Pinterest: Creating Christmas Traditions When You Don’t Have Kids
Too funny on that last one! The Christmas stuff is starting to spread!
And here’s a way you all could do me a HUGE favour: Can you pin this post for me? Or just repin this pin? Thanks in advance!
So The Girl Talk in Belleville Last Week Went So Well!
Thanks for praying, everybody. I really was nervous.
But, yes, both my moms came and sat RIGHT IN THE FRONT ROW. I took a selfie in the middle of the event just to prove it:
It was just a really encouraging night. I think I was absolutely petrified that no one would come. After all, it’s my home town, and people know me as “just Sheila”. I helped run one of the youth groups. I used to run a praise team. I put on a Christmas pageant once with my best friend. I’m just a normal mom.
But pretty much everyone I knew came from so many different churches, and we had over 150 people there (which is good for a small town!). And Lisa, one of my best friends (I told you about her on Wednesday) took 1,138 photos for me. Which is awesome. Because I never get good photos of the events I’m at! Go check out all the pictures here, because she captured a whole lot of my expressions.
Here’s one the absolutely funniest ones. I HAD NO IDEA THAT THIS IS WHAT THIS LOOKED LIKE. At the time of the show, I’m actually telling the story of ordering a scallop in a 5-star restaurant (there’s a point to that story). But the photo looks like something completely different, considering it’s a sex talk.
My Girls Are Coming Home!
I’m off to Ottawa to pick them up today, and they’ll be home for reading week. We’re off to Toronto as a family tomorrow to see the play Noises Off, which is one of my all time favourites. We’ve seen the movie so many times, and we always swore that if the play was anywhere within a 5-hour radius we’d all go, so here we are! Super excited.
And then next Saturday we’re having our 25th anniversary party. I’ll have lots to tell you about that next week!
Have a great weekend, everybody!
The post How God Can Use a Blog to Change Marriages appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.
October 20, 2016
Let’s Get to Know Each Other: Introducing Some of Our Commenters
I really appreciate those of you who comment (and those of you who just read are precious, too, of course!) But when you comment, you let me know: there really are live, human beings who are reading what I wrote. And so often you all have interesting insights or interesting ways of seeing things that I may never have thought of! And when you share your stories, which are always unique, you can really minister to other people reading the blog.
So I picked 10 readers who have commented a bunch and reached out to them. And 7 got back to me. 
October 19, 2016
Wifey Wednesday: How Do You Build a Marriage Support System?
In simpler words, we’re supposed to live in community.
This week I’ve been talking about the To Love, Honor and Vacuum community, sharing some wisdom from my readers, and some other great bloggers. But today I want to encourage you all to find some community in real life, too.
Last Friday I gave my Girl Talk in my hometown. Girl Talk is my event that I bring to churches where I talk about marriage and sex and everything in between. One of my favourite parts of the night is the anonymous Q&A, where people write down questions and I get a chance to answer as many as I can in 20 minutes.
Now, throughout the evening people were laughing hysterically and loudly (it’s really a very funny event), and there was one time where people clapped after a particularly funny sequence. But the only time people spontaneously clapped after something serious that I said was something that was unscripted. I was answering a question about what to do if your husband watches porn, and I said something to the effect of:
In churches we concentrate so much on whether or not someone has “said the prayer”, but we do very little to make sure that people are growing emotionally and spiritually. And that needs to stop. We need to be coming alongside our friends and saying, “I don’t think so. That is NOT going to happen anymore.” We need to be watching for friends who are in difficult marriages and going and supporting them. If we’re not doing that, then what is the body of Christ for?
I really hit a nerve with that one, and maybe you feel that longing, too.
You need a group of people that know you and your husband and that you can see on a semi-regular basis and start forming relationships with. We all need friends. Your husband isn’t enough. And it’s FUN to have other adults to get together with!
So let’s look at several different ways you can start to get to know other couples:
If you're married, you need COUPLE FRIENDS! Four strategies to build those relationships:
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Marriage Community Strategy #1: The Marriage Study Group
Here’s the point of this one: you find a group of at least two other couples and you meet on a regular basis to talk about marriage or to do a marriage study. That way you’re talking about some of the hard stuff together, and you have a group of people to go to if you have issues.
My daughter and her husband get together with two other couples every week, and they chose to study my book 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage (and I didn’t even make them or anything!). They’re using the free study guide I have for it (and you can all use that, too!). The only rule they have is that if they’re ever talking about something in the book that refers to sex, they’re no longer talking about Keith and Sheila. They’re Craig and Shelly, for Rebecca’s sake (because seriously, who wants to talk about her mom and dad having sex?)
I just want to really emphasize this right now:
All of you young, millennial marriages, can I suggest something? Now is the time of your life when this will be easiest to do. Many of you don’t have children yet. Your schedules are less busy than they will be in ten years (even if you feel like you’re incredibly busy already). Now is the time to create those friendships that will be with you when the kids start coming (if they do), and when life gets more complicated. And if you can study marriage books now, you’ll put yourself in a great place going forward.
Marriage Community Strategy #2: The Small Group Bible Study
Many churches encourage people to join a small group Bible study, often based on geography (so people who live near each other meet every week or two to do a Bible study or book study together). Often these studies aren’t based on age, so you’ll get couples and singles of all different ages joining.
I really like this model, because it can help you get to know older couples and mentor couples, and it can help you mentor other couples (if you’re the older one!) or singles. Sometimes I think we divide out too much by age, and then we don’t get the wisdom that people older than us have.
I’ve also been in small groups where it’s all couples with young kids, so that we can pool baby-sitting. That was really helpful at the time, too.
Marriage Community Strategy #3: The Social Group
Maybe you’re not part of a church, or you can’t commit to a regular small group because of work schedules (been there, done that). That’s okay! Perhaps you have a group of couples that you get together with on a regular basis. In 1999 we started going camping with our friends Derek and Lisa every summer. Now the kids are grown, but we’re still getting together with them, and planning a trip out to Newfoundland next summer, hopefully.
We were in a small group together for about 6 months at one point, but our relationship is far more based on spending vacations together. And that’s made us very close.
We even went to their cabin in the woods (no electricity or water!) every winter together with our kids (I took this picture so I’m the one missing!)
Just spending down time with people and laughing with people forms friendships so that you do have people who have your back–and who will support your marriage. I think because we knew each other’s kids so well, too, we really had an incentive to root for each other’s marriages!
If you’re looking for something to do with couples that does include electricity and water, I love the resources over at The Dating Divas! They’ve got some amazing resources to help you do date night with your hubby, but one of the products I really love is a monthly group date night idea–12 months of monthly group dates to help you get closer to your friends. It’s a kit that you buy that helps you plan those group date nights. And you can switch which couple plans which month, so you’re not stuck with all the work. And you’ll get to know each other so well!
Check it out here–it’s only $12.97 and it will get you started on building your own “fun” marriage group!
Marriage Community Strategy #4: The Service Group
I once spoke at a church in Yakima, Washington, that promoted belonging to a small group. But the way they defined small group was different from how we usually picture it. Basically, you could join a traditional small group, OR you could be part of a service group. If you ran the youth group, for instance, then your small group would “naturally” be the other youth group volunteers.
I liked that idea, because Keith and I have served a lot in churches, and when we were involved running Bible quizzing, or when I ran a praise team, I was already out of the house one or two nights a week. To join another small group was just too hard. But also, you really get to know the people that you serve with! So to intentionally think of them as your small group is really smart. I knew the people on my praise team so well after seven years, and the people that we ran Bible quizzing with? Well, let’s just say that even though they moved away six years ago, the wife now works for me and the husband, who is a chaplain in the military, is going to do our “remembrance of vows” ceremony at our twenty-fifth anniversary party in a week!
We stayed close, because we did so much together. Youth weekend retreats, battling with church politics, etc. etc. You form a real bond!
I find that the people that I work with become my natural small group and great accountability partners. Here are two women who work with me hamming it up at my daughter’s wedding!
So there you have it–four ways to really get to know other couples who can support your marriage and hold you accountable.
Do you have a strong marriage community? Four ways to get one in real life:
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I don’t care which one you have. Seriously. I think it’s wonderful to be able to study the Bible together or study a marriage book together and pray for each other, but I know from personal experience that I’ve had great, strong accountability relationships with people that I never opened a Bible with, because we were serving together and we knew each other really well. The main thing is that you need ONE of them.
To really form a marriage community, you need:
A long term relationship (as much as possible)
Accountability awareness (you know you can call each other on stuff)
A sense of caring/responsibility for each other
Even after one of my accountability friends moved away, when her husband was diagnosed with cancer, I volunteered to get on a plane the next day (though that didn’t end up being necessary). And next week, for our 25th anniversary party, three couples who were part of that first marriage community we had when we were first married are driving several hours to come join us, and my friends Tammy and Steeve (that is how you spell his name!), whom we ran the Bible quizzing tournament with, are driving 8 hours to be with us.
Look, I love the fact that you all come here to see what I have to say about marriage.
I really do! And I love the fact that so many of you share my posts with friends.
Online communities are wonderful, and are great resources to answer tough questions.
But they are not enough.
So let me challenge you today: what marriage community building strategy can you use?
Let’s talk in the comments about what’s worked for you, and what you’d like to try!
The post Wifey Wednesday: How Do You Build a Marriage Support System? appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.
October 18, 2016
Top 10 Words of Wisdom from YOU!
We’re talking about community this week on To Love, Honor and Vacuum, and yesterday I introduced you to some of the bloggers in my Christian sex blogging community. Today I want to introduce you to ten great ideas from ten different readers who have emailed me over the last little bit!
First, 5 things you must try!
1. Perimenopausal and in pain? Here’s help!
A Christian novelist writes,
Have you ever heard of Vitamin E vaginal suppositories? My doctor recently prescribed Premarin to me for dryness and scar tissue and WITH my co-pay it was going to cost me $250 a month, so I went searching for an alternative. I found Vitamin E suppositories and THEY ARE A MIRACLE for women who are having pain and other intimacy issues. I was having so much pain that I thought I would DIE and that I’d never enjoy sex again. When I found these suppositories on Amazon, there were 235 5-star reviews!!!
Good to know! Check them out here.
2. What if your husband can’t wear a wedding ring at work?
A while ago I wrote a post on why people should WEAR their wedding rings! But I know that sometimes at work people can’t wear metal. So in the comments so many people were recommending silicon rings which are fairly inexpensive. I thought that was a great idea I hadn’t thought of.
So if you’re interested, and your husband works on a line or something where he can’t have metal, here’s an alternative.
3. How can I measure my fertility?
I’ve actually had a lot of people send in recommendations on this one! Here’s one woman who wrote to me after reading The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex.
I am in the middle of your book and enjoying it very much! I use the Marquette method of NFP that utilizes the Clearblue fertility monitor along with an algorithm to determine the fertile window. I really love that it simplifies NFP and makes it very objective so I’m not having to diligently chart. It has made NFP a lot easier especially post-partum. I just wanted to let you know about it since so many people equate NFP with the more arduous sympto-thermal and Creighton methods. The website for the method is nfp.marquette.edu.
Thanks for pointing us in that direction! Looks like a great resource.
Other readers have sworn by the LadyComp fertility monitor. It’s pricey (around $450), but what it does is spend a few months getting used to your cycles, and then it gives you “red”, “orange”, and “green” days and tells you whether you’re fertile or not. It won’t work, though, if YOU don’t take your temperature regularly. But it can be downloaded onto your phone, and one woman who commented who is a missionary in Africa loved it because it can run on batteries. When she didn’t have electricity to charge her phone regularly, she could still use the monitor–anywhere.
Finally, other readers recommended Flowers Fertility. Hope something there helps you!
It's the best words of wisdom from our Christian marriage blog readers!
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4. The old staple diaphragm is too easily forgotten!
Remember Hot, Holy & Humorous, whom I introduced you to yesterday? She swears by the diaphragm! So if you just can’t do the fertility monitoring thing, Julie says:
I’ll confirm the efficacy of the diaphragm as a birth control method that doesn’t alter hormones and that he probably can’t feel (at least not much) during intercourse. It’s rather unobtrusive, easy to insert once you get the hang of it, and it’s what we used after a miscarriage and before we were ready to conceive. We didn’t like condoms either, and oral contraceptives become a no-go at some point.
Honestly, probably one of the biggest groups of comments I get in my libido posts is from women saying, “The Pill WRECKED my libido!” The more I read about it, the more uncomfortable I am with it, especially when there are so many more methods that are non-invasive and non-hormonal. So there are two routes to try!
5. You DON’T have to live with pain during sex.
I gave my Girl Talk last week at my home church, and two women came up to me afterwards and whispered some questions about vaginismus, or painful sex. It’s still such a taboo topic! I’ve written about six posts on it, including this series on how to overcome vaginismus (with links to people’s stories). After I wrote that, a woman sent me this website, which is a women’s therapy center in Plainview, New York, specializing in treating pain of different types–even post-cancer. They have two week long sessions that may be worth traveling for if you don’t live near there.
But don’t forget to check out resources closer to home! At a recent conference I gave in rural Kansas, a physiotherapist came up to me afterwards and thanked me for recommending that people with pain look for pelvic floor specialists, because they do exist. And she was one–in rural Kansas! (well, it wasn’t THAT rural. But it was smaller town).
Doctors often don’t know what to do. Let me repeat that, loud and clear, as the wife of a physician: Doctors often don’t know what to do. But physiotherapists often do! So find a physiotherapist who specializes in pelvic floor issues, or, if you’re near New York or able to travel, check out that website. Seriously–pain does not have to be your whole story!
Sometimes people send me things which are just plain really interesting insights, like these:
5. Just a different way of looking at freedom in the bedroom!
I really like this insight from reader Heather from Australia. She writes:
Recently I went to the Scriptures in a totally new way, in particular devouring the Old Testament. In the law I now saw picture after picture of God’s character and of course prophetically of Jesus… but also, restriction after restriction, including restrictions that affected peoples sex lives… often to do with purification times – days of abstinence and waiting. After a couple of years reading the OT almost exclusively, I wandered back into the New Testament and saw something brand new in 1 Corinthians 7:5… something that I’m cautious about expressing in case I’m totally wrong BUUUUT – what if, what IF those words about not withholding ourselves from each other were to do with the putting away of the Law?! What IF they were to grant a brand new FREEDOM?!! What if they were saying – “go for it – there are no more restrictions on the basis of the law”!? What if it was NEVER meant to become the source of misery and condemnation (usually on women) in the form of something VERY LIKE another LAW?! What if those words are meant to be a release to freedom instead of something so often held over as a rule?
She was writing after a controversy a while ago in my posts on how sex was supposed to be mutual, and how many men especially were saying that a woman never had a right to refuse. I think her take is interesting and worth pondering!
6. How can we confront sin without judging?
Here’s a woman writing after she read 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage–and it confirmed what God was telling her already.
I really enjoyed your new book and I wrote a review on amazon…so I wanted to share something with you. It fits right in there with the ‘your husband is your neighbor, so just be kind’ and also about confronting sin in the marriage. A while ago I was pondering about the whole issue of ‘you shall not judge’ and often we treat this saying of Jesus as if we’re not allowed to confront any sin, out of fear that we are judging. So I thought about what does a judge do? He is basically weighing the evidence in order to determine what kind of outcome or treatment the accused person deserves. If the judge finds the person not guilty, he releases him. If he finds him guilty, the measure of punishment is determined by the judge within the guidelines of the law. And here is where I was convicted.
How often did I treat my husband the way I thought he deserved? How often I didn’t actually address the issue, but based on my clouded judgment, I inflicted on my husband some sort of emotional punishment (silence, cold shoulder, withholding love and sex and whatever else we women do). The problem here is, that we are not objective or righteous. We act out of hurt.
But does that mean we are not supposed to confront sin? No way. The bible is so clear about it. ‘if your brother (or husband) sins against you go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone….Matt. 18:15)or ‘if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a SPIRIT OF GENTLENESS.’ Galatians 6:1.
So here it is, we are supposed to confront sin, yet we are not supposed to inflict punishment on a person. we are to treat him with kindness and love. That does not mean that I let others treat me the way they want and use me as their rag for their sinful behavior. But my responsibility is to show them kindness and love, and confront sin in truth and love with a gentle spirit who seeks to restore the other person. I am however not responsible for their actions, to absorb them or cover up their sin, by acting like all is ok. I really took this conviction to heart and try to change my ways in my marriage, my parenting and all relationships. All I am called to do, is to show kindness and love to all the people in my life and to point them to the cross when they need a savior. And that is some awesome calling!
It is indeed. Thank you.
7. Did God make a mistake with where He put the clitoris?
So we were having an interesting debate in the comments last week about how women can feel aroused during intercourse, and I made some fly-by comment without thinking that it can seem like God made a mistake putting all the nerve endings on the OUTside.
But then we had several comments with people (including me) saying that perhaps it was that way because then we’d have to work on affection and communication and true intimacy rather than just “doing the deed”.
I’m going to give this commenter the final word, though, because this is very wise:
I don’t think it’s in the wrong place at all. Imagine what giving birth would be like if the clitoris was where it would get stimulated by intercourse.
Indeed!
9. One of the best descriptions of grief I’ve ever read
I wrote a post a while ago on how we don’t understand grief or talk about it properly. It’s not that grief disappears. It’s just that it comes upon you less frequently. When it does hit, though, it’s still really intense. I shared a chart that I hope people will keep pinning, because it’s so important!
In that post, one commenter shared this word picture which has stuck with me, and which I thought you may appreciate, too:
My sister lost her son just before his 23rd birthday – after years of his struggling with Schizophrenia. She described her grief like this: “It’s like having a hole in the floor of your living room. At first, you step into it all the time, but eventually, you know it’s there, but you don’t want to have to show it to everyone to come by. So you put a throw rug over it. It’s there, just not the first thing that you see. And because you know it’s there – you walk around the edge of it. Somedays, you forget or choose not to be careful, and you step right into the hole. But because of the rug, you don’t fall as deeply as you did without it. You are still in the hole, but getting out is much easier.”
I think there is a lot of wisdom in that, and after mom’s sudden death last year – I now know it to be true. I never know when I’ll step into the hole again, or what will trigger it. But most days, despite my missing her desperately, no one would know what my “hole in the room” is…
Grief never goes away – it just changes.
10. God really does feel our pain
To tie in with that, I thought I’d share this one last. Alchemist, one of the commenters you’ll hear more about in Thursday’s post, left this comment once talking about pain. She quotes C.S. Lewis’ words, so I guess it’s really Lewis’ wisdom. But it’s timeless. And it brings tears to my eyes every time:
Well, this quote I think illustrates beautifully what God thinks of our pain. This is from the chronicles of Narnia. Digory’s mother is on her death bed. Aslan (the Lion) represents Jesus.
“But please, please – won’t you- can’t you give me something that will cure Mother?” Up till then he had been looking at the Lion’s great feet and the huge claws on them; now, in his despair, he looked up at its face. What he saw surprised him as much as anything in his whole life. For the tawny face was bent down near his own and (wonder of wonders) great shining tears stood in the Lion’s eyes. They were such big, bright tears compared with Digory’s own that for a moment he felt as if the Lion must really be sorrier about his Mother than he was himself. “My son, my son,” said Aslan. “I know. Grief is great. Only you and I in this land know that yet. Let us be good to one another.” – The Magician’s Nephew by C. S. Lewis
God cares enough that he got right into a body like our own and took the pain on himself. All of it. The loneliness and grief and pain of betrayal and rejection as well as all the ordinary kinds of sorrow a man of 33 years on earth would have.
Indeed. “Let us be good to one another.”
And let’s leave it at that. Thank you all for the words of wisdom! I think that last bit sums it up perfectly.
The post Top 10 Words of Wisdom from YOU! appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.
October 17, 2016
Where Do I Turn for Answers to Really Awkward Sex Questions?
After all, you can’t just walk up to your pastor and ask. And your mom probably doesn’t want to hear it!
I gave my Girl Talk–my event where I go to a church and talk about sex & marriage–on Friday night in my hometown, and it was a riot, even with both my mom and my mother-in-law sitting in the front row. I’ll give more updates on Facebook on that!
But one of the best parts of the evening is always the anonymous Q & A, because people get a chance to ask questions that they’ve always wondered but never had a chance to ask.
Well, this week I want to do something different on the blog. I want to talk about building up a marriage community where we CAN ask those questions!
I’ve decided to give every week a new theme on the blog, and this week I want to talk about community. Tomorrow I’ll be sharing the top 10 words of wisdom I’ve ever received from readers, and I’ll be introducing you to some commenters, and talking about how to build a community in real life around marriage, too.
But today I want to tackle these hard questions we have about sex.
As you all know, on Mondays I always take a reader question and try to answer it. Today I thought I’d do something a little different. You see, lots of times reader questions come in that I actually already answered–maybe in 2012, or 2011, or some other time. But I know that the fact that I get so many of the same question means that you all are wondering about it a lot!
So I’m going to take a few of those questions and I’m going to show you where I’ve already answered it. But I’m also going to point you to some other sex and marriage blogs where they’ve tackled the same thing! Because I’m part of a great marriage bloggers community, and I’d love for you to get to know them, too. So here we go!
Reader Question #1: What do you think about masturbation in marriage?
A reader asks:
My husband and I have both masturbated since out teens and it was something we brought into our marriage. After marriage we both use it at times when we are turned on, but the other person is not available for sex. It doesn’t replace sex in our relationship and we only think about each other when we are doing it. Christians seem to be pretty split on the issue. Some say it is wrong no matter what, and others say it is OK as long as both partners are aware of it and it is not taking away from the relationship. Our kids are also reaching an age where we want to start talking to them about sex and we want to discuss masturbation with them as well. I wanted to know where you stand on the issue, if you have any experience with it and what you recommendations would be for my situation.
Okay, usually my questions about masturbation are a little more “sinister”, like a wife catching her husband masturbating in the shower, often when he never wants to make love to his wife!
This one really doesn’t sound like it’s a problem one. So here are some resources for you:
Sheila talks about masturbation in marriage.
Julie from Intimacy in Marriage and Hot, Holy and Humorous both have a candid conversation about masturbation. Seriously, you need to get to know these ladies!
And here’s Paul from The XY Code with a rather depressing survey on masturbation, and some encouragement for us to prioritize our marriages!
Have really awkward questions about sex? Some safe places for marriage friendly advice!
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Reader Question #2: What Do You Think About Implants?
My husband and I have a great marriage and satisfying sex life, but here’s my issue: when we were first married, I had lovely, voluptuous breasts. Since then, I have nursed 3 babies and became a runner. I have one breast that is a size A (but mostly skin) and one modest B that is ok. They do not make me feel sexy AT ALL. I’ve tried to gain a little weight, but it didn’t go to my breasts. Go figure. I LOVE my breasts while I’m pregnant and nursing. My husband is supportive and compliments my legs and other features, but I know he misses my breasts, too. What is the Christian view on getting implants? I’d like to be a C cup (and even on both sides), and we can easily afford it. On one hand, I think “God gave me this body; I need to accept it as it is and not be so shallow.” But then on the other hand, it is very commonplace for Christians to get braces, and that’s modiyifing what God gave us. Any thoughts?
Okay, I’m honestly not sure what to say about this one! To be totally honest, as one who has only ever been a C cup (and even that was stretching it!) when I was nursing, I’ve often been tempted to get implants. Truly. I don’t like being this flat. I’ve found that a great bra can do wonders, and I’ve always held back because if I did get them, everybody would know! And I’ve also been worried about the health side effects.
But as for the moral/ethical issues, I’m not sure I have a great answer. But my friend Hot, Holy and Humorous actually DID get implants, and was quite open on her blog about why. So I’m going to send you over to a post she wrote on breast augmentation, which links up to other posts where she talked about it. I think she has more to say on this one than I do!
The church may not talk about sex well. But Christian sex bloggers do!
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Reader Question #3: What About a Quickie?
Here’s an interesting one!
I sometimes just want a quickie, but my husband feels like he’s using me and tells me he doesn’t enjoy sex as much unless I reach orgasm. At times like these, we usually don’t have sex at all, or he is really kind of grumpy about it. I understand where he’s coming from, but I can’t seem to convince him that I don’t need an orgasm EVERY time. Any suggestions on how to make him understand?
The vast majority of problems in the bedroom are that we just don’t understand where the other person is coming from! He probably believes that you wanting a quickie means that you’re having “pity sex” and aren’t really interested in him.
So here’s what I’d say: “Quickies make me feel powerful! It’s so neat to occasionally see how much I can actually turn you on, and how quickly you can climax when you’re not worried about me. That makes me feel like I’m a supermodel or something. So every now and then I need a quickie just as an ego booster!”
And then make sure that at other times you really are enjoying sex and he knows that you actually do enjoy making love.
I write about the benefits of quickies in 31 Days to Great Sex, but also take you through plenty of exercises so that he knows that he satisfies you. So maybe working through that book can help!
Now, here’s some other help for you. Why I think quickies can be great! But also why marriage can’t survive on JUST quickies. Here’s Hot, Holy and Humorous telling us how to make quickies work well.
Reader Question #4: How Do We Deal with Premature Ejaculation?
Here’s one wife (who has been struggling for 20 years)!
I came across your blog/fb page about a month ago and all I can say is “where have you been all my life?!”
October 14, 2016
I Have to Speak About Sex…With My Mothers in the Audience!
So I know that on Fridays I always post a 400-word inspirational marriage moment, but I’m not feeling particularly inspirational today.
Because tonight I’m giving my Girl Talk in my hometown, and my mother, my mother-in-law, and my sister-in-law are going to be in the audience.
And my best friends, my girls’ coworkers, people who used to baby-sit my girls, people who used to teach my girls Sunday School, people who knew my husband in high school….
You get the picture. It’s a small town.
Now, don’t get me wrong! I’m actually excited that my family is going to get a chance to hear me speak and see what I do (and I wish more would be there), but I didn’t sleep well last night because I kept thinking about these throwaway lines I often put into some of my talks and wondering, “but how will that go over if SHE’S in the audience?” Or, even worse, “but how will that work if people can actually PICTURE my husband and me?”
These people actually KNOW us.
Seriously, I’ve given this talk in front of 1,000 women at the MOPS convention twice now, and in front of another 1,000 at the Breakforth convention in Edmonton, and I don’t even bat an eye. Don’t get nervous at all. It’s actually quite fun.
But talking about it in front of people WHO BASICALLY ALL KNOW YOU OR HAVE A CONNECTION TO YOU? Super weird.
It was like the time a few years ago when I was recording the audio version of The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex. I had to read the entire book, out loud, in a recording studio. And someone had to listen to me to make sure I was doing it right. And the guy who listened, who owned the recording studio, was a personal friend. It was just weird! Great guy, seriously. And he was really professional about it. But it’s still WEIRD, you know?
There are two things that worry me the most.
One is personal. In the second half of the show I share what it means to be “spiritually intimate” when you make love. And I lead into a really touching personal story about the night my son died which inevitably gets everyone crying. It’s in The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex in the chapter on spiritual intimacy, too. But it’s super touching. And I don’t particularly like sharing it because it’s one of the most personal moments of my life. But that one story has touched more people than anything else I say in the talk, and I know it’s a way of honouring God when I open myself up a bit like that. Part of the obedience takes sacrifice thing. I get that.
But telling it in front of strangers is still easier than telling it in front of people who know you. I can’t explain why, but it feels different. It feels like I’m giving up something that’s really private to me.
The second is a little different. I do it in a gracious way (I hope), and I really am not judgmental about it (I hope), but I do come out quite hard against sex before marriage. I acknowledge that most people in the audience have had sex before marriage, and I don’t talk as if I assume everyone’s a virgin at their wedding night or anything, but I do explain why that’s the ideal. And I don’t have a problem doing that, any more than I have a problem writing about it here.
And every time I speak in different towns, I know there are people who don’t share my views on God in the audience, and I figure, that’s okay. I’m sharing truth, and I’m not doing it in a harsh way, and it actually goes over really well (I have so many women who aren’t Christians still writing to me afterwards or starting to follow my blog).
But it’s one thing to do that in front of people who don’t know you. It’s another to do it in front of people who know you really well or who work with your husband.
I don’t want to compromise the message, but it’s hard, you know? I don’t want to appear judgmental, and I seriously don’t think I normally do. But I find myself second guessing the way I say everything this morning, and I didn’t sleep well last night because of it.
(Now don’t get me wrong–I’m super glad all those people are coming! It’s a chance for me to share a big side of my life with them that they don’t normally see. And it’s a chance for me to share an important message. So I’m not hoping they’ll all stay home or anything.
October 13, 2016
God Doesn’t Intend for Women to Burn Ourselves Out!
They’re exhausted, they’re stressed, and they’re not taking care of themselves. Their whole life is about pouring into everybody else, and there’s almost nothing left of themselves in the process.
I’m just sad. I know I’ve talked about some of this before, and how often we women do too much for our families. In fact, I have a whole book on that!
But I want to just take a few minutes today and come at it from a different angle.
I wonder if it’s more that we believe we’re not worth anything unless we have a lot of accomplishments under our belts.
Like we have to prove ourselves to our kids, our friends, our parents, ourselves–even God.
I was emailing a woman yesterday about this who is just about at the end of her rope because of stress, which she can’t do much about. But in the midst of it she said yes to running the Christmas pageant at church.
I think sometimes we have such a low opinion of ourselves that we can’t say no.
When women pile too much on our plates, it's often out of insecurity. We need to prove ourselves.
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We don’t think we deserve to say no. We hear it all the time–we have to make wise choices and say no to more things. We have to care for ourselves first. We have to have some “me” time.
But why don’t we do it?
It must be that there is some benefit to us for driving ourselves so hard, and for wearing ourselves out. Humans don’t do anything unless there’s some benefit. So what could the benefit be?
Perhaps it’s that it gives us our sense that we are worth something to God. We may say we believe in grace and in God’s love, but that’s only about salvation. Once you’re saved, you’re supposed to pour yourself out for God, aren’t you?
When I was 16 I went on a missions trip with Teen Missions. That summer the devotional theme was “The Way Up Is Down”. They were teaching us for two solid months that God rewards those who are suffering. And while I do believe that God is close to those who are suffering, and that we can learn a lot through periods of suffering, I do not believe that suffering is somehow a more holy calling than not suffering.
There was so much wrong with that summer missions trip, and even in my 16-year-old state I could sense that things were wacky. The leaders of our team used to spank their kids every Sunday night for the things that they had done that week that they hadn’t been caught for!
We were on a construction crew, and at one point they had a delivery of materials to make gravel. They ordered them to dump the pebbles where the sand already was, even though they weren’t supposed to be mixed together yet, so that we could learn more of a lesson by separating it. (I only found out about that later because another team leader, who was seriously worried about what was going on, told me at the end of the summer).
It’s easy to look back at that and say that these leaders had a totally wrong view of God. But do we do it to ourselves?
Do we “spank” ourselves for all the things that we may have done wrong this week, beating ourselves up if we haven’t been perfect?
Do we make ourselves work harder than anyone else around us, because otherwise we don’t feel like we’re worth much?
Do we feel like we always have something to prove to God?
Do we wear our busy-ness and tiredness like a badge of honour?
It’s always a balance, though, isn’t it?
God DOES want us spreading his kingdom. But I don’t believe that God wants us to sacrifice ourselves in the process. Earlier this year I told you about a great memoir I had read called As Soon As I Fell, by Kay Bruner. She was a missionary, pouring herself out for the work, and becoming a shell of whom she once was. She accepted dangerous and ridiculous conditions for her kids, because isn’t that what a missionary is supposed to do? She accepted suffering without complaining, living in a place she hated, because what right did she have to expect better?
She was suffering from serious depression, and her kids were suffering for it, but isn’t even that part of being a child of God? We’re told that we’ll suffer if we follow Jesus, so if we speak up and say, “I can’t do it anymore,” then aren’t we being unChristian?
I don’t think we know what it means to rest in God’s approval.
I know I don’t. This is the big thing I struggle with. I understand that God loves me. I get that. Every parent loves their child. But can we rest in God’s approval? That’s something entirely different. Isn’t approval something that needs to be earned?
It's easier to accept God's love than God's approval. Do you try to prove yourself to God?
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Are we really supposed to believe that God looks down at us and says, “I made you and I’m proud of you,” without us doing anything to prove that we’re approval worthy?
Do we really believe that part of spreading God’s kingdom on earth is also spreading God’s kingdom to our own hearts. It matters to God how we are doing, too, not just what we are doing. That’s kingdom focus.
I struggle. And I’m sure some of you do, too. But please, hear me today. You don’t have anything to prove to God. He does not consider you burning yourself out to be a badge of honour. Sometimes the best thing you can do is to say no to church activities and say yes to more time with your family. Sometimes the best thing you can do is to say, “I can’t keep up this pace anymore, and we need to reevaluate.” Sometimes the best thing you can do is to say, “you may feel called to that, honey, but I just don’t yet, and I’m very afraid that this is going to put too much strain on our family.”
It doesn’t mean you’re not a good Christian. It doesn’t mean you’re going against God. Maybe God just wants you to go through a season of rest!
In our society, we judge almost entirely in terms of accomplishments.
God doesn’t. Even though there’s so much work to be done on this earth, He judges the heart.
I do believe in missions. I do believe that we all should be spreading the kingdom more; please hear me. But like Kay said in her book, if we do it for the wrong reasons, because we’re not sure of God’s approval, it’s not going to be effective and it will hurt us in the long run.
The sad part is that most churches and most ministries run not on the Spirit moving and calling people and equipping people but on guilt. Churches and ministries and missions benefit from people feeling like they have something to prove to God. It gets the work done without all that messiness of having to fall on your face before God and ask for a genuine movement of the Spirit.
And so too often churches do nothing as those in their pews burn out.
Don’t burn out. You matter. God looks down at you and smiles at you, not because of what you’ve done, but because of who you are.
Maybe you need to take a season to just breathe and get to know yourself again. And that’s perfectly okay.
Let me know in the comments: have you ever burned yourself out? Did your opinion of God have something to do with that? what helped you get back?
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