Sheila Wray Gregoire's Blog, page 146
November 9, 2016
Your Marriage is More Powerful than You Realize
In fact, I’ve decided that I’m not watching the news at all on Tuesday night, and I’ll just take a peek when I get up on Wednesday (oh, please, God, let things be clear and no recounts necessary).
And I want to give you all a bit of a pep talk this morning.
No matter who wins, I know many of you will be upset.
Some because the person you really wanted to win didn’t win. And some because the person you voted for DID win–but you still think it was an ugly choice.
And in the middle of all of it, someone shared on Facebook a long quote from an article I wrote two years ago, and reminded me of it again. I thought it was worth sharing. I was talking about how so often we spend most of our emotional energy worrying about things over which we have no control. And if, instead, we were to dedicate that energy to things we could control–well, life would be much better.
Here’s what I said:
The more time we spend in the circles we can control and influence, the more influence we will have. And as we do that, often our sphere of influence grows. We’re actually more effective. And there’s a side benefit: people who spend most of their emotional energy in these two circles tend to be more joyful and peaceful. They aren’t worrying about things they can do nothing about; they’re pouring their energy into things they can influence, and often they’re seeing real changes.
Let me give you two examples of how this plays out. In marriage, we often spend most of the time wondering how we can get our husbands to change: how to make them more romantic; how to get them to spend more time with the family; how to get them to want to talk to us. But you can’t change him. If you spend more time in the circle you can control, though–yourself–you will likely see your marriage changing. You can change how you react to him. You can find ways to insert joy into your life. You can change how you react to the kids and change the tone of the house. And as you do that, you’ll find your marriage, and your attitude about marriage, improving.
Here’s another one: when I was pregnant with my second child, we found out that he had a serious heart defect that would likely end his life early. I spent a lot of time in that outer circle, worrying about him and fretting and crying. But I couldn’t do anything about his heart defect. When I decided to spend time in the circle I could control–my own reactions–I started looking for little things to be grateful for everyday. I started learning to savour every moment I had with him. And when Christopher did pass away, I was much more peaceful about it because I had leaned on God rather than given over to worry.
I don’t know how you’re feeling today, but let me assure you of a most basic truth:
The person with the most power to set the course of your life is not the president. It is you.
And there’s another truth that goes right beside that:
The people who will have the most influence over the course of your children’s lives are not in Congress or the halls of power. They’re you and your husband.
Yes, good government matters. Yes, politicians matter. Yes, there is something to mourn when we don’t have good government, and it’s very frustrating to think of how much better it would be if wise people were running the country instead of corrupt, greedy ones.
But you know what? Ultimately, in your own life, you matter more than they do.
A Post Election Pep Talk: You have way more power over your own life than any politician.
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Let’s not lose perspective!
Do you know what sets kids up for success? Whether or not their parents are married and stay married. Seriously. The marriage gap is more important in explaining kids’ lack of success than parents’ income or parents’ education or even parents’ race. Stability matters more than any of the rest of that.
And when we raise our kids with stability AND with God? The sky’s the limit! Those kids can be the real world changers, even if they never serve in politics, because they can change the world of those right around them and even further afield where God may lead.
Think about the influence a stable marriage has!
It means that instead of energy being spent in emotional drama or in building two separate houses, two people can pool their resources and can specialize, each of them doing what they do best. You can be more efficient in how you spend your time, and you can help each other, meaning that there’s more time to give to your kids. And there’s more time to give to your community.
A stable marriage is cheaper than two people living apart. You have more money to give to change this world. You have more money to keep the stress down in your family.
A stable marriage means that you can be a light to those around you that love is possible.
A stable marriage means that your kids are far less likely to do drugs or drink, to get pregnant before they’re married, and far more likely to go on to post secondary education.
A stable marriage means that you have backup when a child needs your help. You have backup when an aging parent needs care. You have backup when a sister or brother gets in trouble. You become the social safety net.
A stable marriage means that you’re far less likely to live in poverty.
And a stable marriage means that when one of you needs help, the other is there.
It is not government that is the best social safety net. It is a stable family. And you can do that no matter who is president! And from the stability of that marriage, you can make a difference in people’s lives around you. No politician can take that from you.
And that’s why I write this blog–to help you build your marriages so that we can be world changers.
Yes, a bad government can make it less likely that other people will have stable marriages, and that is something to mourn. But your own life? That’s totally up to you.
Worried about how the election turned out? Let's put our emotional energy where it counts!
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I watched this Dave Ramsey video yesterday when I was trying to stay away from the news websites, and I thought he said it really well:
“You are the secret sauce in your life.”
You are the one who decides what your life turns out like–not anyone else. You are the special ingredient. And that means:
“It’s not going to fix itself. It’s up to you to change it.”
Thinking that if we just get the right government in power all our problems will be fixed is utter nonsense. The government isn’t supposed to figure out your life. Only you can. And nobody else cares as much about your life as you do. That’s why:
“You’ve got to work like it all depends on you and pray like it all depends on God.”
We need both. And too many of us are waiting for someone to sweep in and save us and give us a better life or a better marriage–we’re waiting for the government, or we’re waiting for God, but we’re not doing the things that we know need to get done. God helps us, yes, but He tends to help us when we start acting responsibly and moving in the right direction.
“I was blessed by God and I worked my butt off.”
And that’s how it will work for each and every one of us. No matter who is president, we can be blessed by God when we decide to follow Him.
Fretting about the election will not get us blessed by God. Being sad about the state of our nation may be normal, but it’s an awfully big waste of good emotional energy.
Politicians matter, yes. But you matter more. A post-election pep talk.
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What would happen if everybody who has cried and yelled and spilled their guts on Facebook about this election decided instead to spend that time just talking to a child, or praying, or writing an encouragement note, or reading a book on how to reconnect with their husband? What would happen if instead of worrying about the state of our country we started doing something about it here, at home?
No matter what happened last night, I know that I am upset (I’m sort of writing this to future Sheila, since I’m writing this early!). But I’m not upset for my own marriage or my own life, because I know that ultimately I am the one who has the most power to influence that and change it. I’m upset for other people who need good government more than I do. For me, I know I’ll be okay. I’m prepared to work hard, and I have God.
And you know what? So do you.
If you want the world to be a better place, then let’s work at building your marriage!
Let’s all put on our big girl pants and get to work building the kind of life we know that God wants for us! Nobody else can do that for us–especially not a politician.
And if we surrender to God and do it in His strength, then we honestly will be okay.
The post Your Marriage is More Powerful than You Realize appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.
November 8, 2016
10 Amazing Things About How God Made Sex
Sometimes we focus on the frustrating things about sex–we have different libidos; it can sometimes hurt; it’s hard for women to reach climax.
But there are some awfully cool things about the way that God made sex, too!
This week on To Love, Honor and Vacuum we’re looking at what’s so awesome about sex, and today, for Top 10 Tuesday, I thought I’d share 10 things that are really neat about how God made sex!
1. Women can enjoy sex even when we’re not fertile.
Seriously, do we know what a big deal this is? In the vast majority of the animal world, animals are only “in heat” when they’re fertile and ready to conceive. While our sex drives may fluctuate hormonally around the time of ovulation, etc., the fact still remains that we can want sex and enjoy sex at any time, regardless of whether there’s an egg perfectly ready. What does this tell us? That God didn’t make sex only for procreation at all!
And here’s something else cool: He gave women physical signs so that we can tell when we’re fertile and when we’re not. And the vast majority of the time we’re not. So God is saying to us, “it’s okay to want to have sex without getting pregnant. It’s okay to just enjoy it!” I think that’s really amazing.
2. We feel more sexually “turned on” when we’re emotionally vulnerable. It all connects.
We tend to think of sex as primarily a physical thing, and we certainly do experience sex with our bodies. But I think it’s amazing that our bodies respond better when sex is not ONLY a physical thing. When we become vulnerable with each other emotionally, that triggers sexual arousal. And when we pray together? Then it’s even better! That act of becoming vulnerable with each other or with God opens us up for intimacy, and it’s intimacy that’s the real aphrodisiac.
3. Women have to decide to enjoy it.
This may not seem like a big benefit. But let’s look at this for a moment.
Women’s sex drives are primarily in our brains. When we feel emotionally close and when we decide, “I want to have a good time!”, our bodies tend to follow. If we do a shopping list in our head or if we’re angry, nothing really is going to happen.
Why does this matter? Because it means that the relationship has to be on solid footing for the sex life to work. Sex is really powerful; if it were simply and only a physical drive for women, then a relationship could survive on just sex, even if the communication was terrible, we were treating each other terribly, and we were growing more distant. But because women need to make a conscious decision to enjoy sex, then it means that you both have an incentive to really work on the relationship and keep feeling close.
4. Men tend to be more “ready to go”
I know this is a generalization, because I know many of you are struggling with husbands with no sex drive. But on the whole, men’s sexual response was based to be much more automatic. Why is this cool? Because men tend to feel more urgency to connect sexually. But, since women need to make a conscious decision, it means that men will have to woo us, in some way. If they didn’t feel an urgency for sex, and if we had no incentive or impetus to “get it on”, then the relationship could become awfully boring and distant. But because of men’s drives, there’s a constant need for us to stay close.
(Again, I know this is a generalization. But if your husband has no sex drive, that really isn’t normal, and it could be the sign of something that does need to be addressed. So I’d suggest identifying the root of the problem and then getting help!)
5. A woman’s sexual response takes some time to learn
Again, this doesn’t seem very amazing at face value. Why is it so great that women don’t reach orgasm that easily? I think it’s because we have to be able to communicate and be vulnerable and tell him what we like, and he has to get to know us really well, for sex to work. Again, it’s that push that God gave us so that sex forces us to work on other areas of our relationship, and not just the physical one. The physical really only works if the other areas are kicking in. And our sexual response even shows that!
6. The most sexually receptive areas on a woman are not necessarily inside the vagina.
Why is this cool? Well, it means that sex is about more than genitals. You have to spend time touching and stroking and enjoying each other. (And it makes childbirth way less awkward!) It’s not just about two parts of the body fitting together; it’s about the whole body. And that makes it a far more holistic experience.
7. Women can have multiple orgasms that last a long time.
And there really is no purpose to this except for pleasure!
8. When we climax, we release the bonding hormone “oxytocin” which makes us feel really close to each other.
Women release oxytocin a lot at other times, too–when we nurse our babies, when we hug, etc. But men primarily release oxytocin after sex, and it tends to trigger feelings of intimacy and affection. Here’s how one reader explained it on my Facebook Page:
I think it’s pretty stinking cool that men release oxytocin, the bonding hormone, and that it’s really the only way they experience that particular biological reaction. Basically, a healthy and committed relationship literally calms and “settles down” a guy, by design.
9. When we climax, we lose control.
Sex is supposed to be something primal. It’s supposed to be an experience, not just something you can control. And that means that it’s okay to let go. It’s okay to not always be in control. It’s okay to not always be perfect, to not always act like a lady, to not always have your guard up. In fact, God specifically designed us so that if we do have our guard up, we won’t be able to climax. God designed women to have to give up control. I’m not talking bondage here or anything; I just mean that we have to be able to let ourselves be carried away by the experience, rather than directing the experience, or it doesn’t work.
Since we women are control freaks, that’s an incredible gift that God gave to us. He reminds us that we don’t need to have everything under control. That it’s okay to not think and just experience. What a blessing!
10. It’s just so incredibly intimate.
Sex is really strange. It’s two parts of the body (at least!) connecting in a way that never happens in any other social encounter. That makes it exclusive right to begin with. And it’s two very private parts of our bodies, that aren’t just “hanging out” for all to see. So making love becomes such an intimate experience. That very exclusivity makes it something so profound. It really does become “making love”, not just “having intercourse”. God could have made us to reproduce any other way, but He didn’t. He specifically created us so that to bring on the next generation, we’d be in a relationship which was exclusive, which felt so intimate, and which, at heart, is very loving.
I think that’s all amazing! Yes, sex often involves some work and frustration and figuring things out. Yes, there’s sometimes tension. But maybe that’s all part of the design! We have such powerful sex drives, but those sex drives don’t exist in isolation from other parts of our relationship. So we have this huge drive to have great sex, but we can’t really achieve that if we’re also ignoring everything else. That means that we have to keep working at loving each other. We have to keep getting to know each other better and better. We have to learn what makes each other tick. And then we can have such an amazing, fun, and intimate time with one another!
I can’t think of a better way to have been created.
10 amazing things about how God made sex:
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Do you yearn to experience all of this amazing stuff about sex–but it just isn’t happening in your marriage?
Then you’re who I wrote 31 Days to Great Sex for! It’s 31 days of challenges that help you talk about sex, discover what makes each other tick sexually, be more affectionate, flirt more, bring the tension level down, deal with your baggage, and, of course, spice things up and learn new things! Each lesson builds on each other, and will help you grow the emotional, spiritual, and physical aspects of sex.
And it’s super fun!
I’m keeping it so cheap because I want it to help as many couples as possible. The ebook version is only $4.99. Try it today!
What do you think? Anything that I missed that’s so amazing about how God made sex? Leave it in the comments and let’s talk!
The post 10 Amazing Things About How God Made Sex appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.
November 7, 2016
Reader Question: Why Do You Focus So Much on “Steamy” Sex?
Is sacred sex the opposite of steamy sex?
This week on To Love, Honor and Vacuum we’re going to be looking at how God made sex to be awesome (this is going to be a fun week!). I’m going to start it off a little differently, though. Every Monday I like to post a reader question and take a stab at answering it. This week’s isn’t a question–it’s a criticism that was left for me when I wrote the post on sexy questions to ask your husband.
A reader writes:
I’ve read more of your posts than I’ve read any other Christian writer. I even own your 31 Days book. I hope that by saying this you’ll see that this is not left casually, especially since I can tell you take your comments to heart.
I want to say that I find that your blog headlines are very sensational and are reminiscent of a Christian version of a Cosmo mag. Making statements like, “because marriage should be steamy!” is a dangerous thing to do. Marriage should be sacred. Sacred sex is not always “steamy” – in fact I think that description alone is the dangerous part as it is a contemporary word we often see used to describe scandalous, depraved sex.
I have read SO much of your writing. I recall your mentioning accidentally buying “panties that came up to your navel” in another post, and feeling old and frumpy, and that was the day I thought I wasn’t sure about your writing anymore.
Please, Sheila, I am urging you to consider that your message may be more influential than you think, and that it borders on the very things you say you abhor. Slapping a Christian stance on articles about dirty talk and lingerie can give a confusing message.
I am married. Our sex is absolutely glorious and I am always orgasmic thank God. But I own no special undies, I slip no dirty notes in his briefcase, and we do not experiment with strange positions. I just LOVE him so much, and I recognize that he and I are in a covenant -one shared flesh-, so experiencing sex with him, inside that understanding, is on a level that no pair of red lace superthongs will ever achieve.
Please, please consider your influence, and think hard about how you describe “normal” sex in a Christian marriage. Not everyone has to spice anything up to experience truly Holy Amazing Lovemaking.
I really appreciate the heart behind that comment. I think this woman honestly DOES have great sex, and she’s worried that we’re emphasizing sex in a way that isn’t godly but is actually worldly. So I’d like to address these concerns today, because I think they’re important ones. And I appreciate, too, her heart and her manner in writing this, because it wasn’t a personal attack. It was simply a concern that she had.
So let’s look at it!
Is steamy sex the same as worldly sex?
She seems to be setting up a dichotomy with “dirty talk”, lingerie, flirting, and different positions on one hand, and covenant, one-shared flesh on the other hand.
Is this a fair distinction?
To figure that out, let’s do a little bit of history.
One of the biggest theological struggles that Christians have had throughout two thousand years is the idea that the body is bad and the soul is good.
This isn’t actually a Christian idea; it came from the Greeks, and it somehow seeped into the Christian church. Certainly Paul talks about the flesh being bad, but he didn’t mean the body itself; he meant the sinful nature, which is actually inside of us. And so too often Christians have seen passion or anything that is “base” as being against God.
Actually, the opposite is true. Passion is of God; life is of God. It is boredom, lethargy, emptiness that is not of God.
It is not that the “soul” is somehow better than experiences here and now in the flesh; they are all a part of who we are. The fact that Jesus came and took on human flesh meant that He redeemed human flesh. The fact that we will have resurrected bodies means that the body is important. The fact that Jesus did so many miracles that were primarily physical, rather than just spiritual, means that He cares about the physical, and that the physical and spiritual are intertwined. So let’s not believe this false dichotomy.
But isn’t there such a thing as sacred sex?
Sacred sex is a real thing. But do we misunderstand what it is?
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Absolutely, there is. But I think we misunderstand what it actually means.
If I were to ask you to define sacred sex, I think people would say something about, “sex where you show absolute love to one another; sex where you solidify the one flesh covenant.” It would be about the feelings the two of you have for each other and the meaning behind sex.
But how did God actually make sex?
Take the female orgasm, for instance. It serves no real purpose other than pure pleasure. And at the height of orgasm we completely lose control. We can’t think clearly. We simply experience. And, in fact, the inability to turn one’s brain off and just experience is one of the hindrances to achieving orgasm.
C.S. Lewis wrote that at the height of sexual pleasure, in a way you cease being yourself and you almost become primal–just Man and Woman. All the things that make you essentially YOU disappear, because you can’t think, you can’t even act, all you can do is experience. And perhaps God made it that way to show us that when we are united with Him, it is not something that we can control. It is about being carried away by Him.
Sacred sex, then, isn’t about an absence of passion but rather an intimate knowledge of one another at the height of passion. And it’s something where we really do lose control.
Let’s remember the three-fold nature of sacred sex: Physical, emotional, and spiritual.
I spent most of The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex explaining this: God made sex not to be primarily physical, but also spiritual (where you feel like you’re one) and emotional (where you just plain have fun together and love each other). And the neat thing is that they all feed each other. The more intimate you are, the more your body will respond physically. Sex was meant to be both hot and holy at the same time!
But that also means that all three facets of sex are good. None is better than the other.
I believe that something isn’t right sexually if it emphasizes one aspect of sex while stealing from another aspect of sex. That’s why I’ve spoken out so loudly about so many things.
I’ve also written posts showing why I think these things can be harmful (please read them for more context!):
Pornography (over 99 articles and counting!)
Erotica like 50 Shades of Grey
Taking sexy photos for your husband
Christians and sex toys (or sex toy parties)
Masturbation in marriage
I agree with this commenter that we do sometimes forget the profound beauty of sex. In fact, I shared one of my most personal stories in The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, about the night that my son died. My husband and I turned to each other then, and it had nothing to do with wanting to have an orgasm or wanting to feel aroused; it was simply that I had a gaping wound that needed to be touched, and he did, too. That was a beautiful experience. It was something very difficult to share, and I didn’t want to, because it was really personal. But I knew it was important. And now, when I give my Girl Talk, I share that memory, too–and pretty much universally everyone cries.
The spiritual aspect of sex is vital.
Sex in marriage without intimacy is wrong; but sex in marriage without passion is, too.
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But at the same time, de-emphasizing the physical aspect of sex is not healthy, either.
While we’d all agree that things which steal from spiritual intimacy are wrong, we’re far less likely to see that things that steal from physical intimacy are also wrong.
This woman accused me of promoting things that were “dirty”, for instance. Yet in the post that she was writing about, the only thing I was ever advising women to do was to start conversations about what their husbands found sexy or to talk about what they’ve enjoyed sexually. I never advocated profanity, weird fantasies, or anything.
I think we often forget how “base” Song of Solomon actually is. The majority of the time that the lovers are declaring what they admire about each other it is mostly on very physical terms. It isn’t about feeling holy together; it is about wanting each other. He talks about her breasts, her hips, even her genitals. So does she! If my post was dirty, then the entire book of Song of Solomon is dirty, too.
She also seems to equate “dirty” with lingerie or with different positions, because we’re to fight against how the world sees sex.
Yes, we are to be the enemy of the world. But sometimes I think Christians fight so hard to be an enemy of the world that we equate anything resembling passion and fun with the world, and anything resembling seriousness with God.
Yet that is not in line with how God created sex. He created it to help us lose control, to help us enjoy our physical bodies, to help us feel the height of pleasure.
Flirting with your husband, or drawing attention to a certain part of your body in front of your husband, is not being “dirty”, nor is it emphasizing the physical over the other aspects of sex. It’s emphasizing the emotional connection, too, because my husband is the only one who is allowed to see this side of me. So when I do that, it cements our friendship because it’s like a little secret. It makes us laugh together!
No one needs to wear lingerie or try new positions to have great sex.
I completely believe that this woman has great sex without thongs or without different positions. And you know what? If they’re both having fun and enjoying it and loving each other, then that is great!
But most of us could do with a good push in a more “sexy” direction because we’re not comfortable with our bodies. We’re not comfortable in our own skin. We’re not comfortable with just having fun when we make love. And so we’re living our sexual lives with a lot of insecurity. And when we’re insecure, it’s much easier to label things “dirty” and ignore them than it is to address why we’re so scared.
What I want to look at this week is how to get rid of a lot of that insecurity and open yourself up for passion–which really is sacred sex (and also steamy sex!). I hope this made some sense, and I hope you enjoy taking this journey with me as we look tomorrow at 10 amazing and surprising things about how God made sex, and then look at how we can become more sexually confident.
But for today, what do you think? Is sacred sex the same as steamy sex? Where do you draw the line?
31 Days to Great Sex is here (only $4.99!) It's the best $5 you'll ever spend on your marriage!
Learn to talk more, flirt more, and even explore more! You'll work on how to connect emotionally, spiritually, AND physically.
Find out more To Love, Honor and Vacuum.
November 4, 2016
A Marriage Crisis Can Also Mean The Biggest Opportunity
This week on To Love, Honor and Vacuum I’ve been looking at legacy. I told you about our 25th anniversary party, but then we pivoted and looked at how our American political system means we need to try even harder to leave a good legacy, among other things.
And today I just want to talk about how when we’re thinking of what we’ll leave behind, we don’t need to think that our lives have to be perfect. Sometimes our biggest legacy can simply be honesty.
Sheila’s Marriage Moment: How a Marriage Crisis Can Bring Healing
I receive a lot of emails and comments from hurting wives. And some of the most heartbreaking are from the women who have just discovered that their husbands are using porn. They’re devastated. They thought they had these good marriages, and now they’ve discovered this big secret. Everything they thought they had was based on a lie.
And it feels as if the marriage is over.
Can I offer a different interpretation today?
When you are in the middle of a marriage crisis because you have discovered some secret about the other person, or because you’ve finally decided to talk about a big issue that’s been kept under the rug for years–that’s when you’re marriage is the closest to real health.
It doesn’t feel like it. It feels like everything is falling apart.
But let’s back up a minute. What is it that is falling apart?
What’s disintegrating before your eyes is the false image of what you were together.
And, as Ecclesiastes 3:3-5 says, there is:
a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
There can actually be a time to scatter stones, to tear things down. That doesn’t mean it’s easy, or that it feels good, but it is of God.
When we start tearing down that which is built on a false foundation, we’ll be able to rebuild something which is based on truth.
I watched two friends walk through this over the last few years. She had so many unresolved issues from her childhood which left her in great difficulty building intimacy. He reacted to withdrawing and turning to porn at times. Finally he couldn’t take it, and said that they needed to get help or he was leaving. She resisted for a while, but when they started going to counselling, all the false fronts they had both built up cam crashing down. All that was left was really raw, but once it was exposed, it could be healed.
And the two of them are now so honest and open with what happened to them, and are telling everyone who will listen how important it is to deal with your stuff.
If you are going through a crisis today, I am deeply sorry for your pain. But my prayer for you is that you can see that this pain is not the end of something beautiful, but instead the beginning of real honesty and a true chance at a real legacy. Yes, it’s good to mourn the death of what you thought you had. But after that, maybe it’s time to start gathering those stones back up, to start building things once again, but this time on a foundation of truth, honesty, and openness.
How a marriage crisis can actually bring healing: Rebuild on a foundation of honesty.
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What’s #1 at To Love, Honor and Vacuum?
2 of last weeks posts made the #1 spots, that’s awesome! So what does your next date night look like?
#1 Post on the Blog: What The Musical Hamilton Taught Me About My Legacy To My Kids
#1 on the Blog Overall: Top 10 Effects Of Porn On Your Brain, Your Marriage, And Your Sex Life
#1 from Facebook: The One Thing Most Couples Get Wrong About Date Nights
#1 from Pinterest: An Awesome List Of 79 Hobbies To Do With Your Spouse
Keith and I are off to speak in Ottawa this weekend!
We’re giving a one day marriage conference in Barrhaven, so we’ll get to see our kids again plus have a great time speaking. But I’m about to start packing, so that’s all for today.
Have a great weekend!
31 Days to Great Sex is here (only $4.99!) It's the best $5 you'll ever spend on your marriage!
Learn to talk more, flirt more, and even explore more! You'll work on how to connect emotionally, spiritually, AND physically.
Find out more To Love, Honor and Vacuum.
November 3, 2016
How Volunteering Helped My Kids Be Less Entitled
Parenting doesn’t always go how we planned. So what do you do when you realize that you’ve raised a kid who has a serious attitude problem, without making them feel attacked? It’s a struggle lots of families face!
So when I heard Tyler Jacobson’s story of what he did when he realized his daughter was entitled I couldn’t wait to share his post with you! So today you’ll be hearing from him, not me, and I hope you enjoy his story as much as I did.
Love what he says! Here’s Tyler:
As parents, it can be difficult to see the flaws in our own children. We love them, without equal, without question. Because of this, we’re sometimes too close to see the issue for what it is, which can make it difficult to nail down exactly how to solve it in the best way.
As parents, it’s easy to see individual issues and not notice the overall picture.
I adore my daughter, but there’s always been pieces of her personality that haven’t exactly jived with me: picky eating, playtime with others meant doing what she wanted, speaking over people when she had something to say.
They were all separate pieces to a much larger puzzle that I couldn’t see as they’d developed over the course of her life. When looked at all at once, it’s pretty easy to see, but at the time I had thought of them as separate issues.
The truth of it came out after dinner one night.
Normally we have healthy, home-cooked meals full of vegetables and nutrition. Sometimes, though, we have a fun night with nuggets, or fish sticks. Normal dinners can be a hassle getting my daughter to eat. It can even turn into tears as she becomes so dramatically riled up over having to finish her plate. These fun nights, though, she goes back and back again for seconds, thirds, or even fourth helpings.
It bothered me.
“It’s just what kids her age do,” my wife said, not thinking much of it. But no, it was more than that. It wasn’t just that my normal twelve-year-old child liked dipping her food into ketchup. There was something else there.
Hours later, in the random way that the brain works, it all clicked into place. She’s selfish. Entitled. Instead of Asking “How?”, asking “What Now?”
Everything had to be her way. She felt entitled to the attention, to the toys, and food, and items she wanted. Even though we raised her the same as we had with our two boys, needing to earn her rewards and enforcing politeness and appreciation, somehow she’d become entitled.
The realization that my daughter was entitled came as a major shock.
I was baffled. Despite teaching her to say thank you, she still didn’t appreciate what she had.
After speaking with my wife, we realized that we needed to make a change. Obviously what we had been doing wasn’t working. When it comes to parenting, research isn’t just a good idea, it’s vital if you’re at all serious about it.
Scared you raised an entitled teen? Check out this parent's story of what he did when he…
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However, despite all our research, the answer actually came to us in the form of a parent/teacher meeting. After the normal conversation, I asked a few probing questions about my daughter’s behavior. Now that I had a clearer understanding of the issue, I wanted to get as much information as I could.
To my surprise, she seemed to exude none of the selfish, entitled traits that she did at home. If anything, she seemed downright generous.
This difference in public versus private behavior is actually a fairly common trait, and one I was thinking I could put to good use.
We got involved in volunteering.
The answer to our issue came in the form of a local food drive. Since it was important my daughter didn’t feel this was a punishment for anything she’d done wrong (and might thus reject the lesson out of rebelliousness or spite), I presented it as an activity she and I could do together to help people.
How volunteering can help when you have an entitled teen:
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I volunteered us for weekends at first. We helped collect, organize, and hand out the food collected to those in need. The variety of people that came by to pick up food made an impression. Here she was, holding cans of a vegetable she would cry about having to eat, and handing it to a person that was so thankful just to have something to eat.
The impact volunteering had on her was astounding.
The vague apprehension she had at being around all of these new people melted away as she saw the appreciation on the faces of those that came by. On top of that, she was surrounded by those that were there purely to help those less fortunate, and saw how happy they were to give as well.
After helping for that first weekend, she was hooked. She asked if we could do more. On the weekdays when she didn’t have any afterschool activities, we would either help the drive, or go out on our own to try and find any place willing to donate.
Helping with food drives–which we still do–has helped her entitlement. It didn’t solve all problems overnight, but it’s definitely been an improvement.
She saw, really saw, what it meant to be without. It’s not an experience easily forgotten or ignored.
From the mountains of Utah, Tyler Jacobson writes about his experiences as a father and husband. By sharing the struggles and solutions his family has faced, Tyler hopes to help other parents looking for a way to better their lives. You can connect with Tyler and read his helpful insights on: Twitter | LinkedIn
Have you ever dealt with entitlement in your children? What were some ways you combatted that attitude? Let’s chat about it in the comments below!
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November 2, 2016
What the Musical Hamilton Taught Me About My Legacy to My Kids
For her 18th birthday I took her to New York City and we saw Les Miserables, which was one of the highlights of her life.
And she recently went back to NYC with friends to see Phantom.
But what she’s really obsessed with right now is the musical Hamilton.
For those of you who don’t know, Hamilton is the first of its kind–it’s a hip hop rap musical that tells the story of Alexander Hamilton, the least well-known Founding Father, who never was able to become president since he lost his life in a duel.
My son-in-law Connor loves it, too, and for the last few months, whenever we make the 3 hour drive between Ottawa, where the kids live, and Belleville, where Keith and I live, we play the musical from start to finish in the car.
Of course the best known song is King George’s “You’ll Be Back“, which the King of England sings to America as if it were a love song. It’s really quite hilarious. Here’s the three kids going at it on one recent drive (just hit play on the audio player! 
November 1, 2016
On the American Election–And Why I’m Sad and Hopeful at the Same Time
It seems a fitting metaphor for what is happening right now on this side of the ocean.
While lives are going on as normal, we are losing the foundation under our feet.
President John Adams, one of the Founding Fathers, once said,
Our Constitution was made only for a moral and religious people. It is wholly inadequate to the government of any other.
Unfortunately, he is being proven correct.
After previous elections, I have often awoken the next day despondent. How can people not see? How can they choose so wrongly? What will become of us?
I will not feel that way this year. No matter who wins, I will simply be sad. Not despondent, as if we have lost a chance at something great. Simply sad, because there can be no victory here, no real upside.
Let’s be honest: Hillary Clinton represents the end of the rule of law as we know it. Donald Trump represents the end of decency as we know it.
The both are unfit for office, and they both have real cultural costs associated with them.
In my opinion, to try to defend either one is to compromise one’s fundamental moral compass.
No matter who wins in this election, we have lost something precious.
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As some of my regular readers know, over the last few years I’ve finally managed to solidify my American citizenship and get my American passport (even though I’m also Canadian). I was born in the U.S., but have never lived there. So I was looking forward to getting to vote for the first time in 2016!
Right after getting my passport a year and a half ago–no makeup, too! Yeah, baby.Earlier this year as I investigated the process of registering, though, it turns out it’s far more complicated than I thought. I would have to register in the only state in which I ever lived (I was there for three months as a baby), and that would open me up to paying state taxes. It’s not a swing state, either, so my vote wouldn’t really make a difference.
I didn’t go through the hassle.
I’m almost glad.
If I could vote, though, I would. However, I would not vote FOR either candidate, because neither candidate is fit to be president. Thus, I would have to vote on other criteria.
To me, it comes down to this: losing the rule of law is worse than losing decency.
To quote John Adams again,
When legislature is corrupted, the people are undone.
The Magna Carta is commonly thought as the first democratic document in the western world. Signed in 1215, its main purpose was to limit the power of the king. Laws could not apply to some and not to others. This was the most fundamental thing that we had to get right before we could even start to set up a proper democracy, and so to me, the rule of law can’t be compromised.
And yet I don’t like just voting against something, so I would have to find SOMETHING to vote FOR. And that would come down to voting for a platform, or voting for the other people who would also be in office. After all, a president brings with him or her a Vice President, a Secretary of State, a Head of Homeland Security, a Secretary of National Defense, a Head of the Treasury, etc. etc. And those people, too, will wield tremendous power, let alone the Supreme Court Justices. And so, even though I could not vote for either candidate for president, I would vote for the one who would bring with him (and it is a him, in this case), the better people for those jobs.
But I would not be happy about it.
And you will never, ever hear me defending Donald Trump (especially since I just heard that like Bill Clinton he has been accused of child rape. Really? I can’t take any more. I really can’t).
In fact, let me offer a plea to all Christians reading this: Please, please stop defending Trump.
When Christians do that, it is as if we are giving the impression that Jesus doesn’t mind sexual harrassment and sexual assault; that Jesus laughs at misogynistic and racist jokes; that Jesus is okay with people insulting others for fun. And He is not. He wants us to be kind to one another and to respect one another, and Trump does not do that. The man is a pig.
When I see people holding up “Jesus” signs while at a Trump rally, I feel sick.
And yet…for the first time in a long time, I feel a lightness about the political process.
Up until now, politics has been a burden to me. It’s as if I have to figure out what to do to convince people to see the world the way that I do, so that we can actually start fixing some of the very serious problems our society faces. And when the solutions seem so obvious to me (or at least the direction seems obvious), it’s so frustrating when others don’t seem to see it.
I think I’m honestly at peace with the fact that things are only going to get worse.
Maybe that’s a horrible thing to say, but I don’t think so.
I believe that I used to put too much faith in politics and in government and in the political process. If only we had good government, if only we had certain policies, if only people voted the right way, we could start to fix these problems.
I’ve now realized that people are never going to vote the right way.
Like John Adams said, a functioning democracy depends upon a moral foundation, and we no longer have that.
Our education system is so bad and our moral foundation is so far gone that we will never again raise people in large numbers who can discern well and make good choices.
And so we’re back to the position the early church was in.
They knew that their citizenship was not here and that government could not save them. They knew that the solution to racism, to poverty, to fatherlessness, to crime lay with them, not with government.
Perhaps God is calling us back to that again. We cannot change this country by government fiat. It’s too broken because the voters are too broken.
While I believe that we must still vote for good government, and stand up for the rights of the oppressed, and try to make a difference in the political sphere, I also realize that this is a battle that we will fundamentally lose, and that’s the way it’s supposed to be. We’re told that in Scripture. We’re not supposed to look for our salvation here. We’re simply supposed to shine the light, and love our neighbours, and do what we can while we wait for the real solutions that only God can bring.
My mom and I were talking last night, and I said, “You have to believe that God is over this whole election and doing something really interesting, but there’s no way we could have had two such absolutely reprehensible candidates by accident.” I’ve been reading the prophet Jeremiah lately, and it’s amazing the parallels with corrupt governments and years in captivity and in the wilderness.
God is over this. He is doing something. And maybe one of the things He’s doing is to teach us, as Christians, not to rely on government to fix the problems around us, because government was never going to do it anyway. In the last few decades I think the church has gotten off track by tying itself too much to politics and not enough to just loving our neighbours. We need to find the right balance again. And I think, in the end, it will be a balance that is much easier to live with.
This week at To Love, Honor and Vacuum I want to talk about the legacy that we are leaving our children.
Yesterday I told you about my 25th anniversary party. My daughter Rebecca gave a speech there, and talked about how the biggest stability in her life has always been her dad and me. Knowing that we would always be together, that we would always be sickeningly in love, gave her a foundation even when she was anxious. And it taught her to see God as stable, too.
That is something that will be with her no matter who is Prime Minister (or President). It is something that will tide her over when Canadians vote almost solely based on someone’s hair and last name (am I letting my biases show?). It is something that will keep her grounded even if the economy collapses and people are in chaos again.
So to my American friends, please vote, because it’s a tremendous gift.
I’ve told you who I prefer, but honestly–I completely understand not being able to vote that way, and I will not judge you for it at all (and I hope that you will not judge me for my opinion!). But to all of us, let’s never, ever put our faith in government again. And let’s take this episode as a reminder that this world is not our home, but we have been given the task of caring for it until Jesus returns. Let’s take that task seriously, rather than pawning it off as “the government’s job.”
What do you think? Has this election caused you to reconsider how you see politics and our role as Christians? (And please, let’s not get nasty in the comments about who to vote for! They both really are terrible, and deciding that one just can’t support him or her is a perfectly legitimate viewpoint.
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October 31, 2016
So It’s Our 25th Anniversary…and We Renewed Our Vows!
I can’t tell you how much fun it was! We started with a square dance (which EVERYBODY always enjoys, even the men who think they’ll absolutely hate dancing), and then went on to the more “anniversary” stuff).
We’ve done square dances for a bunch of family parties before–for Keith’s surprise 40th, for Rebecca’s 16th. In fact, two of Rebecca’s friends are married now after meeting at Rebecca’s 16th square dance. Square dances aren’t awkward like regular dances, and adults really do like them. In fact, we so many of my friends were saying, “we never do anything fun anymore! We should do this more often!” So I think we’re going to start organizing square dances once a month in the area. We could do them as a fundraiser, but it’s a great way to get people out of the house and having fun.
We had people come to the party from all different times in our lives. Certainly there were plenty of friends we have now, but our best friends from university drove three hours, and some other close friends from university drove three hours, and the guy who really got me into speaking and who has become a close personal friend drove 4 hours. And then there was Tammy, who works for me now (though I used to work for her in a committee at church), who drove 8 hours with her husband Steeve. He’s in the military and they were transferred a few years ago, but we’ve stayed close.
After the dance we had an informal dinner with chili and sandwiches and soups. I really wanted informal so people could feel like they could get up and walk around and switch tables and talk to different people, and that’s what everyone did. I think I managed to sit at every table and catch up with just about everyone.
Right before dinner, though, Keith got everyone’s attention and gave a lovely speech about what the last 25 years has meant to him, and then he proposed again.
That meant a lot to me, because I can’t actually remember the other proposals. And I say proposals because the first time he proposed it was kind of because I talked him into it. And then we broke up after that, and I was quite devastated. We got back together and decided we would get married and he proposed again, but neither of us can remember it. So I wanted a new proposal, and he did amazing.
After dinner we had a “renewal” of the vows ceremony.
Now, I’m not a huge fan of renewal of the vows.
I figure that I vowed it then, and so it still counts today. And so I don’t need to vow it again; a vow is a vow. I could totally see renewing your vows if you came to know God after you were married, because now the vows would mean something more. Or if you eloped and nobody saw you vow.
But that wasn’t the case for us.
But we did want to do a ceremony. So I dressed up in my mother-in-law’s wedding dress from 1968, which still looks amazing and is very Audrey Hepburn. My own wedding dress was hopelessly out of style, with far too many bows (including in the butt) and way too much lace, and we sent it to Kenya a few years ago because those dresses are still in style there, and we knew the children’s home where we volunteer could use it. Katie tried it on before we let it go, but it’s long gone.
We did, however, still have the bridesmaids dresses from my wedding–complete with even more bows in the butt. So my girls both put those on.
Then two of our good friends dressed up funny to be the flower girl and ring bearer.
Steeve, who is a military chaplain, led us in vows (with our son-in-law standing in as best man, too).
Here’s what they were:
Here’s what Steeve led me to vow:
When we are at a restaurant
I promise that if I want french fries
I will order my own french fries
I will not wait for you to order french fries
Under the guise of not wanting fries myself
And then steal some of the fries off of your plate
Fries which you had previously ordered for your own eating pleasure
Thereby preventing you from enjoying them yourself
I also promise that at least once in my life
I will get up at the crack of dawn
To go sit at the Frink centre (note: a local boardwalk marsh area)
and not move or speak for twenty minutes with you
While freezing to death and getting eaten alive by mosquitos
So that we may enjoy a 20% chance
Of seeing a king rail together
I promise to put my dirty glasses in the actual dishwasher
Instead of leaving them like little presents
Every place except for my bedside table
Which is the only place I ever actually need one
So that you can stop having to get up in the middle of the night
To get me a glass of water And trip over 10 glasses on your way
Here’s what Steeve led Keith to vow:
I vow to schlepp all your boxes of books upstairs
So that you can decide which ones you actually need
So that I can schlepp all the rest of them downstairs again
Because you told me the wrong number in the first place.
I promise to put the books into whatever vehicle you need
And then schlepp all the extra books that didn’t sell back again
So we can do it all again the next day.
I vow to be the one to get out of bed
And move to another room if I snore
Unless I have to get up in the morning
In which case I vow to give you permission to kick me twice
Before you’re the one to get up and leave
I promise that I will not constantly ask you
When the tours are
And how many events we are going to have
More than 3 weeks—no—one week ahead of time
And not to bug Tammy too often
because I know it might change
And I promise that I will try not to be stressed
At the ridiculously unpredictable nature of your job
I also promise that when we have grandchildren,
I will keep birdwatching and latin class time to a reasonable amount
So that you will have time to teach them how to knit
Although I reserve the option to teach them to count stitches in Greek
After the vows I said a little speech to Keith.
I feel like Keith has gone out of his way to sacrifice for me lately. He’s cut back on a job that he loves so that we can be on the road with my speaking more (we’re heading out to California and Arizona in January, and to Arizona and up to Colorado in March if your churches may be interested! Just email Tammy to learn details. It’s very affordable). He’s trying to not need to be so hyper-planned out and is doing our RV trips without being fully booked in to campgrounds ahead of time, so that we can stop at interesting places we find along the way and stay longer if we’re enjoying it. He tries new foods, he exercises if I feel like it, he’s even learning ballroom dancing!
And I just talked about how everyday he always gives me the impression that he has the better end of the deal, and I can never quite figure out why. And I hope that, everyday, I try to make some of his dreams come true, too, the way that he’s made some of mine.
The napkins for the evening had our theme on it–“Are We There Yet?”
When my mom asked us what we wanted to be theme of the party, Keith said that to be funny, but I decided to run with it. I explained why in this post about how to know when we’ve arrived. But we talked about that, too–how our focus changes as we’re married, and how I hope that we never really do arrive, but we’re always growing and looking forward to the next big thing, even if one day the next big thing is simply eternity.
We also played some awesome games, kind of like the Newlywed Game.
Everyone had a chance to write down questions for us to see if we knew the answers each other would say, and we did amazingly well. And you know that game where you have to close your eyes, and then someone says, “who does this apply to more? You or your spouse?” You have to either put your hand up or point at the other person. So Rebecca listed a bunch of things–who smells better, who’s more likely to forget to pack underwear when you’re going away, who’s more likely to commit a crime (I definitely got that one!). We got all of those right.
Then we heard the stories.
Everybody split up into four groups based on when they met us–in our childhood, during university, when our kids were really young, or in the last ten years. And in those groups people talked about us and then a few people told stories. And it was precious. What’s kind of neat, too, is that one of our university era couple friends really enjoyed my aunt and uncle at university. We all went to church together, and my friend Susie talked to my aunt a lot about life and faith. They moved to Ottawa many years ago, and my girls now attend their church, and Susie plays the same role in my daughters’ lives as my aunt played in hers. I love that.
So it really was a great celebration. And we tried to do it a little bit on the cheap, which is why I’m telling you all the details in case any of you want to copy it someday! The food doesn’t have to be elaborate and square dance callers are often cheaper than DJs. But the night was full of memories (including my new proposal), and the girls certainly looked beautiful with bows on their butts.
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October 28, 2016
The One Thing Most Couples Get Wrong About Date Nights
Does anyone actually do that?
I don’t think we’ve done it our entire marriage. And today I want to talk about what we so often get wrong about this whole concept of date nights! We’ve been talking about how to connect with your spouse all week here on To Love, Honor and Vacuum, and today is our last installment. And to cap it all off, I have a special invitation for you at the bottom of this post to join my FREE 5-lesson marriage course to bring these lessons home for you and your hubby.
But first, our Friday inspiration:
Sheila’s Marriage Moment: What most couples get wrong about date night
When you first met your now-husband, chances are you spent hours talking, nonstop. You’d go out to a restaurant and they’d almost have to force you to leave. You went for long walks, talking about your past, your future, your dreams, your fears.
It was blissful.
And then we get married–and we think that we’re supposed to still want to talk for hours, nonstop. We’re supposed to want nothing more than to sit in a restaurant and have a long conversation.
This one expectation can wreck date nights in your marriage!
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When my daughter Rebecca was 16 she baby-sat for some good friends of ours who were doing the “date night” thing. They dutifully went out for dinner, and then realized the movie didn’t start for two hours. They struggled to stay at the restaurant, but eventually went over to a bookstore to kill some time. When they arrived at the theatre early to watch Inception, the guy promptly fell asleep. By the time he woke up he had no idea what was going on (seriously not a good movie to fall asleep during!). All through the movie he was tweeting out his confusion (as I watched in real time). WHAT WAS THIS SPINNING TOP THING?!?
They were going on a married date night–but maybe we have this whole “married date night” thing wrong.
A date night, when you’re just dating, is naturally going to be filled with conversation! You’re just learning everything about him, and you have so many details to share.
Once you’re married, though, you pretty much know almost everything. For pity’s sake, you likely even know when his last bowel movement was! The mystery is gone.
It’s perfectly okay, then–and in fact, it’s even preferable–if a married date night doesn’t look the same as that pre-married date night. Once you’re married, the main purpose is no longer learning about each other. It’s more to provide adventure and memories and camaraderie.
So instead of this idea that “we must have dinner out once a week”, try this: Let’s spend as much time as we can creating memories and doing something together. Let’s find some hobbies to do as a couple. Let’s go for more walks. Let’s share errands so we can spend time together. Let’s just be involved in each other’s lives so that conversation naturally happens while we’re building memories and closeness.
Date nights don’t have to be a big deal. Paint a bedroom together. Pile the babies in the car and go for a drive. Start playing a board game as a couple. Just do something. That’s the point once you’re married, and it’s okay if it’s not in a restaurant.
The one thing couples get wrong about date nights:
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I’ve had such fun talking about how to reconnect with your husband this week!
And here’s the round-up of everything we’ve talked about:
How Do I Reconnect with My Spouse?
79 Hobbies You Can Do as a Couple
How Keith and I Are Learning to Ballroom Dance Online (with a video!)
9 Ways to Make Date Nights Stress Free
And now I want to invite you to take this one step further and actually DO something about it. So often we read something, and it seems like it makes sense, but we don’t actually apply it to our lives.
I’ve prepared a 5 lesson course that will remind you to put small things into practice in your marriage so that you do keep feeling close. It’s free. It will come to your inbox every week! And it will help make emotional connection a reality in your marriage.
If you’ve been feeling distant, and you don’t know where to start closing the gap, this is a great resource! And if you want to make sure that gap doesn’t start to form–it’s great to get on this now!
Sign me up for the FREE marriage course —->
What’s #1 at To Love, Honor and Vacuum This Week?
We have some great tips this week in the Tops and are one away from all #1’s! (#1 was one of my posts from this week!) It’s been a great week!
#1 Post on the Blog: List of 79 Hobbies to Do with Your Spouse
#1 on the Blog Overall: Top 10 Effects Of Porn On Your Brain, Your Marriage, And Your Sex Life
#2 from Facebook: Top 10 Cheap Date Night Ideas For Parents Of Small Kids
#1 from Pinterest: The One Best Sex Tip You’ll Ever Need
It’s My 25th Anniversary Party This Weekend!
My kids and my mom are throwing us a 25th anniversary party–complete with a square dance and then a second “ceremony” where we won’t exactly renew our vows (I’m not sure I believe in that) but we will promise some sweet things and some funny things. My girls are going to wear my original bridesmaids dresses (purple velvet, complete with the bow on the bum) and I’m wearing my mother-in-law’s wedding dress, since my wedding dress went to Kenya.
Be sure to join me on Facebook where I’ll post some photos–and maybe even some videos!
Have a great weekend, everybody!
The post The One Thing Most Couples Get Wrong About Date Nights appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.
October 27, 2016
9 Tips to Make Date Nights Stress Free!
What’s stopping you? Money? Baby-sitters? Too busy? Too much tension? Today, let’s talk about 9 ways to make sure that you do actually spend time with your husband–because maybe some of our reasons for not having date nights are actually easy to defeat.
1. Don’t over-hype a date night and think it has to be super romantic. Just spend time together.
One reason we don’t do date nights is because we picture candlelight and long dinners and looking into each other’s eyes. That’s what a date night is supposed to be, right? And if that’s not where you’re at as a couple, that can seem intimidating. And what’s the point? Your life is stressful and busy, and you’re supposed to take time where you could be making it less stressful and pretend to want to sit at a restaurant and talk for two hours?
Now, for some of you two hours at a restaurant seems like bliss!
But I know that for many couples that seems silly. You aren’t feeling particularly romantic, and too many other things need your attention.
That’s why I think we need to start seeing date nights as just spending time together. Take the romantic pressure off! Romance will naturally follow when you’re connecting emotionally and when you’re laughing together. But if you haven’t been laughing together or connecting, you can’t expect to suddenly be able to conjure up romantic feelings.
So take a look at my list of hobbies for couples and choose one to start doing! Even if you’re in a stressful period of your life, finding something to do that you enjoy that can rejuvenate you is so important. And the more you just plain spend time together, the more the romance will start to come (and then you may want to have those romantic date nights!)
9 Tips to Make Date Nights Stress-Free--and to connect again!
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2. Give yourself a break when the kids are little.
This week a few people wrote on my hobbies for couples post that their hobby is going grocery shopping together, because at least they get to talk, and the kids are fairly good in the cart!
I’d call that a success.
Sometimes all we really need is to spend some time talking and sharing when the stress is lower, and it doesn’t really matter how you do that. Maybe it’s taking a long walk with the kids in strollers, or a long drive with the kids in strollers.
Here’s the big thing to remember: even when the kids are little, you still need time as a couple. You really do. That may not be a romantic date night, but it may mean that you figure out a hobby you can do at home as a couple, or you take more walks together.
And make it a priority to teach your kids how to go to sleep on their own at a decent time. Yes, it’s hard. Yes, the kids will complain. But you really do need your evenings back! And your children need to be able to self-soothe. Some kids with ADD or sensory processing disorders can’t do that well, but most kids just need the chance to learn. If you always nurse your nine month old to sleep, for instance, or give your 13-month old a bottle of water when she wakes up in the middle of the night, then she’s going to wake you up every time she wakes up because she’ll need you to get back to sleep! But if you teach her to sleep without an aid that you need to give her, then she’ll learn how to go to sleep by herself–and you’ll have your evenings back to spend with your hubby!
3. Have a Baby-Sitter Plan
But what about actually getting out as a couple? Don’t we have to do that sometimes?
Yes, you do. Every couple does need an actual date night, every now and then. I just don’t think you need that “one date night a week” thing that people always talk about. One a month, or even one every two months, is likely okay, as long as you are regularly spending time together on hobbies or talking. Not every couple can hire a baby-sitter and get out to do something special every week! (and not every couple can afford it, either.)
But sometimes you need that special time. And so have a plan to make life easier when the baby-sitter comes.
Here’s an awesome baby-sitter binder from The Dating Divas; it’s everything you need for your own peace of mind. You’ll know the baby-sitter has all the emergency info at her fingertips, and you can leave special things to help your kids behave (if that’s necessary).
And here’s another brilliant idea. Sometimes the problem with baby-sitters is that you’re afraid they’re going to come over and then spend the entire night on their phones, ignoring the kids. But if you have something pre-planned for the kids and the baby-sitter to do, that’s a lot more fun for the kids, but it’s also more fun for the baby-sitter (who may not relish the thought of having to figure out how to entertain kids for a few hours). The Dating Divas have two cute Baby-Sitter Adventure Bags that you just download and print. Here’s one I especially like of how to go on an indoor “camping” adventure:
Get your camping adventure here–or choose the cooking adventure one if that’s more up your kids’ alleys.
4. Consider some group date nights
I love the Dating Divas website; they have so many great ideas to make date nights fun and build romance in your marriage! And they have two products that can help make group date nights super fun.
I love the idea of group date nights because as adults we simply don’t spend enough time with friends, and we do need friends to support our marriage. Besides that, baby-sitting can sometimes be easier because you can stick all the kids at one house and hire two baby-sitters to handle them all. The kids have more fun and it’s just easier on everyone.
If you want to have a monthly group date night with a few couples, here’s a way to share the workload and make sure that you all have a great time each month! It’s a year’s worth of group dates, and there’s everything you need in there to make them super fun, including menu ideas, game ideas, and more. Check them out here!
But the one I’m really looking forward to (which I’m going to use over Christmas with my family) is the murder mystery group date! It’s 80 pages of materials to help you host an awesome murder mystery, including character biographies, clue sheets, suggested costumes, and so much more. I’ve always wanted to do one of these! Learn more here.
5. Take advantage of kids’ club nights/youth groups to time your date nights
Keith and I always had “date nights” on the nights when our kids went to church club night, or, as they got older, when they went to youth group. We had to drive them in anyway, and it usually gave us an hour and a half to two hours to ourselves, when we knew the kids were safely looked after. That’s when we often went out for dinner. We’d feed the kids earlier, and then we’d have our own romantic dinner. And we didn’t have to pay for baby-sitters!
6. Join a gym and create active date nights!
It’s actually pretty sexy to sweat and work out together. And if you both like doing that, consider paying a little extra for a gym membership that offers free (or inexpensive) baby-sitting. I once went to a gym where they had the most awesome baby-sitters that my girls just loved. So going on a “date night” to a gym wasn’t hard on the kids, so it made it easier on us, too. If you enjoy going to a gym together, and you’re able to do it once a week, compare the cost of a gym membership and the gym baby-sitting with going out to dinner four times a month. It may actually be cheaper!
7. Take conversation starters to make date nights more natural
Always run out of things to talk about? I’ve got a list of 50 conversation starters you can use with your spouse! Or you can simply download them to your phone or tablet to take with you on a date right here.
8. Know what to expect on your date night with your husband
The worst thing is sitting in the car when one of you says, “So, where do you want to go for dinner?”
And then you get in that whole silly discussion where you say it really doesn’t matter to you, and then he picks the ONE place you don’t want to go (you would have been fine with the other twenty restaurants he could have said), and then the night starts out badly.
Don’t do date night on default. Plan it beforehand. Know where you’re going to eat, what movie you’re going to see (if you’re going to see a movie), and what the expectations are. Is this for you to simply reconnect? Or is it supposed to be a sexy date?
9. Don’t expect a date night to solve all your problems.
Date nights are great--but don't expect them to solve all problems. They're a tool, not a fix.
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Finally, sometimes we build up date nights in our minds so much, thinking that a date night is the answer to all of our problems. And that inevitably sets you up for disappointment and failure because a date night is simply an opportunity to spend time together and concentrate on each other. So the quality of the date night really relates more to the quality of your relationship. It can’t fix anything; it can simply make it easier to address real problems.
Here’s the idea: when you spend time together just talking and laughing, you bring the tension level in your relationship down and you start to break down walls. Sometimes those walls are there not because you’ve done anything particularly wrong; it’s just that you haven’t had time to connect in a while so you don’t really know what’s going on in each other’s hearts, and so you’ve become a little guarded. Date nights are great for this!
You’re building goodwill.
Now, let’s say that there is something a little testy in your relationship right now. Maybe you’re disagreeing on a major issue, or maybe you have money issues or sex issues or there’s been some trust broken. To address anything rough like that requires some goodwill to begin with.
A marriage is like a bank account: deposits are all the things that make you feel close. Withdrawals are all the things that strain your relationship (like those difficult conversations you need to have to resolve some conflicts).
So if your marriage is in a position where you’re going to need to make some withdrawals (like addressing your husband’s porn problem or actually sitting down and writing a budget), then you need to make sure your marriage bank account has a positive balance in it. You can’t go into overdraft.
The date night, you see, doesn’t solve the money problems. It just puts you in a safer position so that now you can tackle it.
Let’s talk in the comments: How do you make date nights less stressful? How often do you have a “date night”? Let me know!
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