Sheila Wray Gregoire's Blog, page 150
September 14, 2016
Wifey Wednesday:It’s Time to Break Up with Your Imaginary Boyfriend
We’ve been talking for the last few days about libido, and how men and women tend to approach sex differently. A number of you wrote to tell me that Monday’s post was a major lightbulb moment for you, as you realized that you were still attracted to your husband, even if those infatuation feelings were gone.
Today’s Wednesday, the day when we always talk marriage. And for Wifey Wednesday today, I invited Kelly Smith, aka Mrs. Disciple, to continue this conversation by looking at it from another angle: if those infatuation feelings are gone in our own marriage, make sure that you don’t feed them towards another guy! You don’t want an emotional affair to develop.
There’s an important warning here for all of us. Here’s Kelly:
As little girls, we have no trouble dreaming up Prince Charming.
We start with a cute guy on television and endow him with the noble character traits they read about in books. During our teen years, we dream about the quarterback or the quiet poet from across the high school classroom. While dating, we measure our prospective partners to our dream guy until we find a man who fits the description. We expect our prince to make all of our dreams come true.
Sometimes our Prince Charming turns into an ugly toad after the nuptials. Endearing quirks become annoying habits. Long talks while cuddling turn into grunts and scratches while flipping through the channels.
Married women sometimes find themselves dreaming about Prince Charming once again.
The space between unmet expectations and reality fills with daydreams about the way it could be with another man. This imaginary boyfriend could be a casual acquaintance, someone from the past, or a vision of the perfect man. Thoughts of him threaten the fidelity and sanctity of marriage.
Men have a reputation for rogue thoughts about runway models and waitresses at the wings joint. Their battle is primarily visual. In her book For Women Only, Shaunti Feldhaun says,
Even happily married men are instinctively pulled to visually ‘consume’ attractive women, and these images can be just as alluring whether they are live or recorded.
They learn to avert their gaze when met with temptation, just as Job declares–“I made a covenant with my eyes not to look lustfully at a girl” (Job 31:1, NIV).
Women, on the other hand, are most often drawn into temptation through emotion and thought.
As Shannon Ethridge says,
Men and women struggle in different ways when it comes to sexual integrity. While a man’s battle begins with what he takes in through his eyes, a woman’s begins with her heart and her thoughts. A man must guard his eyes to maintain sexual integrity, but because God made women to be emotionally and mentally stimulated, we must closely guard our hearts and minds as well as our bodies if we want to experience God’s plan for sexual and emotional fulfillment.
We can read a compelling love story, have an interesting conversation with a man, or recall a memory of a past relationship and lose our affection for our husbands in a blink.
This all-too-familiar scenario plays out more often than we’d like to believe. A friend almost lost her marriage over an imagined emotional connection with a co-worker. A cocktail of parenting, careers, and inattention led to an unfulfilling marriage. Her heart became completely dry. It only takes a spark to set dry brush on fire. Such was the case with my friend. A few kind words from a co-worker released a wild blaze in her heart and mind. What he intended as courteous conversation, she interpreted as deepening affection.
Situations like these do not have to end in embarrassing confrontations over misinterpreted signals. Like the men who avert their eyes at the first sight of temptation, we can train our hearts and minds to focus on the covenant we made,
Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.
Here’s how:
Stop Comparing Your Husband to Other Men
One of my favorite twists on an old cliche’ is, “The grass may be greener on the other side, but you still have to mow it.” This truth applies to husbands. Your man may leave his dirty socks on the floor by the hamper while my man tends to fall asleep on the sofa during movies. Quirks lead to frustrations after years together. In dry seasons, these frustrations can become unbearable. The perfect man created by a fiction author or portrayed on screen by a chiseled actor never chews his food loudly or comes home late for dinner. His perfection stands in stark contrast to our husbands’ imperfections.
Dr. Juli Slattery warns against comparison in her book Pulling Back the Shades:
The end result of living in fantasy is disillusionment, dissatisfaction, and ungratefulness in reality.
Avoid the comparison trap by emphasizing your husband’s positive traits. Think of the ways he cares for you and your family. Consider the positive things others say about him.
Never before have we had an inside look into the marriages of friends and acquaintances like we now have through social media. I have a friend who regularly posts date night selfies and sweet love notes from her husband. Through these select snapshots, it appears theirs is a marriage made in heaven. What those pictures don’t show is their history of infidelity, the reminders of past sin that will never go away, and the years they spent repairing brokenness. I want their romance without their pain. It is crucial to remember their romance grew from their pain.
Fast from Romance
Because our emotions connect with our minds, monitoring our media consumption is crucial, especially during difficult seasons of marriage. The books, movies, and music we enjoy may tempt us with an unhealthy fantasy life. Dr. Juli Slattery explains,
We know that women aren’t just drawn into books like Fifty Shades of Grey for the entertainment factor. Erotica strategically and masterfully pulls you in by exploiting what your heart secretly longs for.
Escaping an unsatisfying marriage by reading romance novels and erotica only masks our longing for intimacy. Because it cannot meet our needs, we thirst for more. We enter into a vicious, downward spiral.
In The Pursuit of Holiness, Jerry Bridges connects our thought life to external influences.
While the will is the ultimate determiner of all choices, it is influenced in its choices by the strongest forces brought to bear upon it…Therefore we must guard what enters our minds and what influences our emotions.
My children often develop a sassy attitude when they watch programming geared toward tweens. When a disrespectful tone begins to surface, it is my cue to monitor their screen time closely. The same holds true for the part of my mind reserved for romance. I enjoy a good rom-com, but when my marriage is less than its best, these movies feed the discontent. The carefully crafted, playful banter between an on-screen couple is a sharp contrast to our sometimes heated discussions about paying bills and disciplining children. If I am more dissatisfied with my marriage when the credits start rolling, it’s time to take a break from romantic entertainment.
If you feel LESS satisfied with your marriage after watching a movie, choose different movies!
Click To Tweet
Beware of “What If’s”
While scrolling through her news feed, a friend ran across a picture of her ex-fiancé with his wife and new baby. Although she is happily married, the “what if” thoughts began to invade her mind and attack her emotions. She began to cry.
When [my husband] is unable or unwilling to express love or passion, the struggle is to not go back to that relationship in my mind. To not relive it or to wonder what if I had married him. Would I be more fulfilled? I knew something in my heart was still off because it wasn’t a “how good for him” cry.
We cannot dwell on the perceived perfection of past relationships. That ex is an ex for a reason. We tend to look back with rose-colored glasses, remembering all of the good times. We forget the reasons that relationship ended. While it can be tempting to picture ourselves in that pretty picture, it is important to remember they have issues, too. Instead of imagining the resurrection of a dead relationship, focus on ways to live fully in your marriage.
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland. (Isa. 43:18-19, NIV)
Stay Grounded in Reality
The imagination can become fertile ground for infidelity to bloom. If like my friend, we allow our minds to dwell on innocent and not-so-innocent conversations with men, we invite inappropriate and sometimes adulterous thoughts.
Shannon Ethridge warns against the power of suggestive thinking in her workbook for Every Woman’s Battle:
We are rehearsing when we think about the conversations we would have with a particular man if we were ever alone with him, when we entertain thoughts of an intimate rendezvous, or wish that a certain man would take special notice of us… Then when Satan lays the trap and leads that man in your direction, guess what? We are more than likely going to play the part exactly the way we have rehearsed it. When we don’t guard our minds in our relationships with men, we weaken our resistance before any encounter takes place.
Our reality is our marriage. Thinking about scenarios other than our reality will either lead us to take action or feed discontent. Both pathways lead to a self-destructive marriage. No real marriage can live up to the relationship we can create in our minds.
No real marriage can live up to the relationship in our minds. So guard your thoughts!
Click To Tweet
Focus, instead, on repairing, reconnecting, and romancing. Repair any brokenness in your heart or in your relationship. Find connecting points with your spouse to build emotional intimacy. Actively pursue romance with your spouse.
The battle for your heart occurs in your mind. Protect your heart by avoiding comparisons, guarding against negative influences, and living in your present reality.
It is time to break up with your imaginary boyfriend and rediscover your husband is the real man of your dreams!
Like this post? Pin It!
Kelly R. Smith is a small town girl who married a small town man 17 years ago. They have three energetic children. Her favorite indulgences are coffee, reading, writing, and running. Kelly believes we are created for community and loves to find ways to connect with other women who are walking in the shadow of the cross. She blogs at mrsdisciple.com.
Let’s talk in the comments! When are you most vulnerable to letting your mind wander? What do you do about it?
The post Wifey Wednesday:It’s Time to Break Up with Your Imaginary Boyfriend appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.
September 13, 2016
What Women Don’t Understand About Our Libidos
And sometimes that gets us into trouble!
Last night I was speaking at First Alliance Church in Erie, Pennsylvania, giving my Girl Talk. It was our first stop on our fall tour that’s taking us to Michigan, Iowa and Kansas (and then we’re vacationing in Arizona for a while!). In the winter we’ll be in the southwest (and we’re still booking, if your church may be interested! Just email my assistant and she’ll get you info).
And one of the things I shared with the women last night is something that I want to share with you this morning. When we don’t understand how our libido works, we often miss out on the chance to really enjoy our husbands because we think we’re not in the mood, when it honestly isn’t that hard to GET in the mood!
One of my closest blog buddies is J from Hot, Holy and Humorous (who has a book out with that same name now!). Last week I had a guest post on her blog about libido. Here’s a taste:
Have you ever noticed that movies and TV shows make women’s sex drives look just like men’s?
Here’s what happens, pretty much every time: the couple’s together, and they start to pant. So they fall into each other’s arms and they begin to kiss. Then the clothes come off. And then they end up in bed.
They pant, they kiss, they take off their clothes, and they end up in bed.
Pant. Kiss. Clothes. Bed.
Every time.
If this is what you see, over and over, you may begin to think that’s natural.
So there you are, at home with your husband, and you’re waiting to pant.
And nothing happens.
So you figure, “I guess I’m just not in the mood”, and you return to browsing Pinterest or you go and make another cup of tea.
But what if that whole portrayal of women’s and men’s sex drives is wrong?
Read the rest of the post here.
If you’re the one with the higher sex drive, though, I know that’s a different story. I have a series here for women with husbands with no libido. And I’m hoping to write more on that soon, too! I know it’s really challenging, and I’m not trying to leave you out. It’s just that we all have different issues in our marriages.
Speaking of things that are posted elsewhere…
Katie has a few new videos up that I haven’t shared yet. Here’s one of her latest on how young people don’t know what a date is–and it’s really confusing. I think she’s raising an interesting point here. Have we so discouraged kids from “dating” that we’ve added a layer of complexity to relationships that wasn’t there before?
And now I’m hitting the road again! We have six hours of driving today and then we’re ending up in Clinton, Michigan for an event on Wednesday (just click on “Events” in the menu bar to see all the ones coming up!).
Want to See Me Live?
Two easy ways. First, sign up for my newsletters. The emails are all free. And then you’ll be notified if I’m ever within 150 miles of you!
Second, ask me to speak at your church! It’s an event that seriously can pay for itself, and it’s super easy to host because all you need to do is get the word out and prepare some coffee and snacks. This year we’re concentrating on western United States (though we’ll be all over Canada), but next year we’re back in the east. We’re also planning on Ireland in the spring, so if there are any Irish churches that may be interested, I’d love to join you!
Gotta run and jump in the RV. I’ll post pics on Instagram soon! We’re looking forward to heading into the UP of Michigan this weekend, too. I think it’ll be gorgeous.
Let me know in the comments: What’s the biggest surprise about libido that you found in your marriage? Or we can talk about Katie’s video–have we lost the art of dating?
The post What Women Don’t Understand About Our Libidos appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.
September 12, 2016
Reader Question: What Does It Actually Mean To Be Attracted to My Husband?
Here’s a really interesting reader question that I think many of you may wonder about, too. Every Monday I like to post a reader question and take a stab at answering it, and I thought this one on what attraction actually looks like may make a good discussion topic!
She writes:
My husband and I have been married almost 5 years. We’ve never had a great sex life, but in the last year or so it’s gotten a lot worse.
A combination of my husband suddenly having 14+ hour days, me feeling very lonely and isolated, me initiating sex occasionally but often feeling rejected, me feeling too fat and unattractive (both because of my own insecurities and hurtful words coming from my husband)….there are definitely a lot of issues at play, and we are planning to start counselling soon to address some of them. My husband has recently told me that it is difficult for him that I do not “lust” after him. I’ve never been one to be physically attracted to guys, and never really had a movie star crush.
I do really enjoy having sex with him, and love feeling so connected, and it’s not at all that I have low libido…..but he feels I don’t want him in the same way we see some wives around us wanting their husbands and being specifically physically attracted to him. Is my lack of attraction to my husband something that we can work on and make better, or is this something we just have to accept and move past? I don’t want him to feel hurt and unattractive, but I also don’t know how I go about changing this.
I’m so glad that someone wrote with this question, because so often couples just don’t understand this about each other, and it leads to all kinds of totally unnecessary hurt.
Here’s the problem (and I’m going to talk in generalities here, so if you don’t fit in this, that’s totally okay. Not everybody will! But these are some of the most frequent problems I see):
Men tend to be visually stimulated. They see a woman, and they want to make love. So when they see their wife, they immediately get turned on.
Women, on the other hand, don’t tend to get turned on like that. In fact, women aren’t usually aroused BEFORE we’re making love. We tend to get aroused AFTER we start.
TV shows and movies, though, often portray women with the same kind of sex drive: we see a guy, we start panting, and we want to make love.
The media tends to portray women and men with identical libidos. But we don't work the same way!
Click To Tweet
Now, to a certain extent that does happen at the beginning of a relationship. Those “infatuation” feelings, when you get the electrical surge if he touches you, are quite common. Scientific studies, though, have found that these feelings only last about 18 months. Then they’re gone, and you’re left with a more mature love–and just as much ability to enjoy sex.
This woman says that she does enjoy sex but she’s never really gone weak-kneed over seeing a guy. Again, very common.
Back in the 1990s I was writing my thesis about the portrayal of women in advertising, and I started looking at some of the studies about arousal and media. And what I found was that women tended to get more aroused looking at pictures of women rather than men–even though they weren’t lesbian at all. I don’t mean to be gross here, and forgive me if this veers on inappropriate, but here’s what the researchers concluded: when women look at images, they don’t “lust” after the image as much as they picture themselves as the image (that’s why women in ads are often portrayed looking away rather than directly at the camera; it’s easier for women to picture themselves AS that woman).
What arouses women, then, is the idea of being wanted, not the wanting itself.
Don't go weak-kneed when you see your husband? That doesn't mean you're not attracted to him!
Click To Tweet
TV shows and movies bear this out, too. As I talk about in The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, the scenes that women find most erotic are often not the “down and dirty” ones, but instead even passionate kissing where there’s been a major lead-up of sexual tension. Matthew and Mary from Downtown Abbey; Bones and Booth from Bones; Jim and Pam on The Office; even Elizabeth and Darcy in Pride & Prejudice. It’s not about graphic depictions of sex as much as it is the passion that the couple feels towards each other.
That’s why the scene in the original Pride & Prejudice (the best version, of course) when Colin Firth dives into the lake is often talked about as so “hot”. It’s not that he looks particularly good; it’s that the viewer knows that he is just tortured by his thoughts of Elizabeth and he’s trying to rid his head of them. It’s how much he wants her that becomes so attractive to the viewer.
That’s how women work: We long to be desired.
And we’re aroused by the thought that a guy is passionately carried away by us.
Now, again, I’m not trying to say that a woman can’t get aroused by seeing a good-looking man or that she won’t enjoy looking at her husband. I know I’m speaking in generalities; forgive me for that, but the generalities happen to fit this letter writer. She’s quite typical. She has a high libido by her own account. But she doesn’t “lust” after her husband in the way that they think other women do. Maybe that’s because it’s not her husband’s body that makes her go weak-kneed as much as it is the sum total of their relationship; being with him, feeling loved, feeling desired.
But let’s take a step back: Why do we think OTHER women “lust” after their husbands like this?
He’s saying that he feels really hurt because his wife doesn’t act like “other” women, and it’s causing him to reject her. But how does he know what “other” women feel?
Look–the media portrays women’s sex drives as if they’re just like men’s. And quite often, that’s not true (and in many cases, men’s sex drives aren’t as strong as the media portrays, either).
Since we don’t tend to talk about this stuff with friends in detail, so we tend to believe the media’s depiction of men’s and women’s approaches to sex.
Stop.
The media lies.
It doesn’t matter what the media shows; what matters is whether you two love each other and have fun together. If that’s true, then does it really matter if it’s not exactly like the movies?
Just because a woman doesn’t “lust” after her husband does not mean that she doesn’t want him.
You want to make love to him because:
You enjoy making love.
You enjoy feeling close to him.
You want to relax.
You want to have fun.
Those are all good reasons!
So hear me, women: Just because you don’t look at your husband and go weak-kneed does not mean that you aren’t attracted to him.
And guys: Just because your wife doesn’t jump you every time you take off your clothes does not mean you don’t turn her on.
Just understand each other, have a lot of fun together, and work at making sex feel great!
Most of all: don’t let the media tell you what your relationship should be like.
As soon as we start comparing our marriage to what we think other people do, we’ll tend to fall short. If you’re enjoying each other, then what difference does it make what other people are doing?
I know this letter writer had other issues–rejection from her husband; insults from her husband about her looks; stress and exhaustion. Those are important, too, but I’ve written about them before. Today I thought I’d just focus on that one issue, and I hope that perhaps I’ve said something that may help you feel reassured about your feelings towards your husband, too!
So tell me this: do you think the media portrays women’s sex drives wrong? Do you think there’s a difference between the way women “want” their husbands and the way men “want” their wives? Let’s talk in the comments!
Like This Post? Pin It!
If you and your husband are having a lot of these misunderstandings about sex and libido, my book 31 Days to Great Sex is a great one to work through! It helps you get these issues out into the open in a non-threatening way, and then helps you learn to really enjoy each other in every way. And the ebook version is only $5!
The post Reader Question: What Does It Actually Mean To Be Attracted to My Husband? appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.
September 9, 2016
He’s Not Pathetic, and She’s Not Frigid: A Plea for Understanding
On Fridays I like to post a 400-word marriage inspirational piece to give us one thought to get us through the weekend. Today I’d like to encourage all of us to simply understand each other! One caveat: I realize what I’m going to say is a generalization. If you’re a woman with a higher sex drive than your husband, reading this series on what to do when a husband doesn’t want to make love may be more helpful today.
Sheila’s Marriage Moment: The Genders Are Wired Differently, and That’s Okay
Recently I’ve gotten into two interesting debates in the comments. Both stemmed from my posts on sexy questions to ask your husband and sexy questions to ask your wife. In writing those posts, I was thinking: How can you appeal to your spouse’s underlying libido?
In the post of sexy things to say to your wife we got into a very civil discussion (seriously, I wish all discussions were that nice!) about why suggesting a guy help with chores is NOT “pay for play” with regards to sex. He pointed to some other sites that argued that “choreplay” was wrong. I agreed. Demanding a guy perform for sex is unfair. But that doesn’t change the fact that women were created so that we need to be able to concentrate to enjoy making love. And when we’re exhausted, it’s harder to concentrate. Help us not be exhausted and take some things off of our to-do list, and it will be easier for us to get in the mental place where we anticipate sex.
Then on the sexy things to say to your husband post (and several other posts that day) I got pushback on suggesting that women entice their husbands visually. It’s wrong for men to objectify women, they said, and porn makes men ogle women, and I’m suggesting the same thing.
I absolutely agree that it’s wrong to objectify women, and that porn can rewire the brain to make sex impersonal. But that doesn’t mean that men aren’t wired to respond visually, and there’s nothing wrong with a husband enjoying looking at his wife, as long as he’s not feeding a porn habit.
For us women who have to concentrate to make love and who are more relationship focused, it can seem as if men who are visually stimulated are somehow “lesser” creatures. For men who want a thriving, spontaneous sex life, having to woo her can seem as if she’s making him “work for sex”.
And too often, we double down and insist that the other person is somehow wrong and our approach is morally superior.
But what if we’re simply different, and that’s okay? What if men are more visual, and there’s nothing wrong with that? What if women need more warming up and are more relational, and there’s nothing wrong with that, either? It doesn’t mean men don’t value relationships and it doesn’t mean women don’t enjoy sex. We’re just created differently so that we have to reach out to each other, attempt to understand each other, and become more giving. Do that, and it works well. Insist that you’re right and your spouse’s natural inclinations are wrong, and you’ll end up fighting a losing battle, and driving your spouse away in the process.
Have you been struggling with understanding how your spouse sees sex? Does your spouse not understand YOUR libido? Why not work through 31 Days to Great Sex? It’s a series of challenges that will help you talk about sex more, understand each other more, and discover new things–all while having a ton of fun! And the ebook version is just $5!
What’s #1 at To Love, Honor and Vacuum?
This week we have a great mix of topics in our Tops. Which one speaks into the week you are having?
#1 NEW Post on the Blog: How Do Millennials Start a Family if There Are No Jobs?
#1 on the Blog Overall: Top 10 Tips For Initiating Sex With Your Husband
#1 from Facebook: Why I’m Okay 20 Years After My Son Died
#2 from Pinterest: How Do You Handle Sibling Rivalry? Stopping Kids’ Fights Effectively
We’re Hitting the Road!
Keith and I are packing up the RV and hitting the road tomorrow! We’ll be gone for a month, and we’ll be covering a LOT of ground. I’m speaking in Erie, Pennsylvania on Monday night, and then in Michigan next week before ending up in Iowa and Kansas. Then we’re planning to drive to Arizona and just enjoy being there for about a week before flying home for Canadian Thanksgiving.
I’m excited to be speaking again after taking the summer off!
And remember: We’re still booking for Alberta in November and for Arizona/New Mexico/California in January and again in March, so if your church may be interested, email my assistant Tammy!
Did You Get My Marriage Newsletter This Week?
27,000 people did. It had the links and write ups on the best marriage posts from August, and then a round up of posts from the blog on what to do if you have to make a decision and you can’t agree. Plus a funny video! If you’re not signed up for my newsletters, you can do so right here!
And now I have to go and do a massive amount of laundry before we start packing. Have a great weekend, everyone!
Marriage isn't supposed to be blah!
Sex is supposed to be stupendous--physically, emotionally, AND spiritually.
If it's not, get The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex--and find out what you've been missing.
The post He’s Not Pathetic, and She’s Not Frigid: A Plea for Understanding appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.
September 8, 2016
How to Manage Internet Time & Protect Your Kids, All at the Same Time!
And not to mention the dangers that are out there–pornography, hate sites, and more.
I talked a few weeks ago about three simple ways to protect your family from the internet, and I think they’re great ideas. But since I wrote that, readers have been sending me OTHER ideas. And I’ve researched one in particular that I’m really impressed with, and I want to share it with you today.
It’s Circle by Disney. When I first heard that, I thought, “Oh, great, what’s Disney trying to sell us now?”, thinking it would all be about merchandising or something. But this is seriously cool.
It works WITH your wifi router (that little device that gives you your wifi signal in your house) so that you can manage every device that connects, individually. You can filter what content those devices can see; set limits for wifi use or for individual apps or sites; set “bedtimes”; discover where your kids (and you!) spend their time online; and pause the internet. Seriously, this is great even for adults with no kids!
Let’s look at each individually:
Filter the Internet
When you set up Circle using your phone (either Android or iPhone) or other device that uses an app, you’ll be able to identify each device that’s connecting to your wifi. You don’t have to do this with their devices in your hand. You can then set them using individual filter levels (Pre-K, Kid, Teen, and Adult). Adults can see everything; others can’t. So if you’re worried about yourself, or if you’re worried about your husband, you can set your filter at Teen and then porn or other extreme violence won’t be available.
It’s completely controlled by the device that set it up, and you can’t get around it without that device. Here’s what some parents said:
My son tended to look up “nekkid womas mud wrestling” (silly google would always figure out what he was looking for) and it has stopped that. You can, customize it as well, so if a site gets through, you can put it on the blocked list. I do have my son’s account locked down pretty tight.
Another parent said:
The only way around it is for the kids to unplug Circle–but then you’ll get an alert on your phone!
From the reviews I’ve read, it’s pretty good at making sure inappropriate images don’t pop up, too. And if it blocks a site you think shouldn’t have been blocked, or if it DOESN’T block something that should have, you can manage sites manually.
Set Time Limits for Devices
Circle with Disney can help break video game addiction and prevent porn addictions.
Click To Tweet
You can set time limits for each device in your home, including your kids’ computers, tablets, or phones, but also including TVs, Xboxes or Playstations, Wiis, or anything else that connects using wifi. Even if the device is hard wired with an ethernet cable, Circle can still control it.
This is seriously important, especially with the incredible problem of video game addiction. If kids could only play video games for an hour or two a day, then they would learn to fill their hours with other things. And with so many kids home for hours after school without a parent present, you can’t necessarily be sure that they’re abiding by your rules.
Video game addiction is harming kids, especially boys. It’s stopping them from getting jobs. It’s stopping them from getting relationships. The number of women who leave comments on this blog in desperation because their husbands play video games until 4 in the morning and then sleep until noon is mindboggling.
Help your kids not grow up like that! Teach them to limit their time.
And it helps marriage, too. When couples talk about, “how much time do I want to spend on video games a day?”, they’ll usually come up with a low figure, like an hour or two. But when you look at how much time is actually spent, it’s often double or triple that. People don’t want to be on as much as they are, but once you start, it’s hard to stop. This helps you to stop and restores that relationship!
Set Time Limits for Sites/Apps
This is one that I find personally intriguing. You can set time limits for each app for each person. So instead of setting time limits for the wifi in general, you could just say “only 2 hours of Netflix” or “only 30 minutes of Facebook”. You can also set limits by category (like social media).
I find this seriously attractive because often we don’t realize how much time we’ve wasted on social media. And when you look at how damaging social media can be to pre-teens especially, it’s good to give them an “out” so that they aren’t glued to it constantly.
The ability to set time limits for apps also helps in another way. Sometimes kids need the wifi for homework. If you were to set a blanket time of “3 hours of internet a day”, for instance, then what happens if they’ve used up that 3 hours completing a big project? This way you can differentiate between work and play.
Set Bedtimes/Pause Wifi
Teens need an incredible amount of sleep, and yet very few are getting it. And sleep helps reduce the symptoms of ADD. Sleep is key to growth, to mental health, and to academic success.
With the advent of the internet, though, young people’s sleep patterns are being really disrupted. Now you can turn off the wifi for each device at a different time. And you can set different bedtimes for weeknights and weekdays (though I don’t recommend that, because for health, you should be going to bed at the same time each night!)
And Circle can pause wifi at certain times, too, or for certain devices.
Is the internet sucking your teens' time? A super easy way to limit it--and get your family back!
Click To Tweet
Block Individual Apps
Did you catch your child sending inappropriate Snapchats? Did Facebook become a haven for bullying in your family? You can block certain apps altogether, or for a limited time.
What About When Kids Leave the House?
If it only blocks the wifi, then what if they connect another way? Or what if you turn the wifi off and they just connect with their phone data?
When you buy Circle, it’s a one time cost ($99) that works on your wifi. But if you want it to control each device even using data (or other wifi signals), then you can pay an extra $10 a month for the Circle To Go plan.
Should We Really Be Controlling Teenagers This Much?
In my post on the “pyramid idea of discipline“, I explained that parenting should be like a pyramid. Ideally you have a lot of control when the kids are young, but you slowly give increasing amounts of freedom as the kids grow, so that by the time they’re almost out of the house they have basically no more rules. It’s better to give them 100% freedom when they’re still with you, because as soon as they move out they’ll have complete freedom anyway. (If you don’t end up setting firm boundaries when they’re young, you’ll have to do it when they’re older, and it will completely backfire on you!)
I think setting firm limits using Circle up to age 14 is a great idea, and then giving increasing freedom until about age 17, at which point you give complete freedom.
But I would give that freedom like this: I would ask kids to ask themselves, How much time do YOU want to spend on Facebook every day? My daughter, for instance, works from home, and she limits her time on social media using an app or else she’d get no work done! You can ask them the same thing with filtering: “Porn is such a temptation to people, and I’d strongly suggest that you keep the filtering in place. In fact, we’ll help you continue with filtering when you move out if you’d like, but not so that you’re accountable to us. Just so that it’s a help to you.”
It should be their choice, but you can steer them into using the help that’s available.
Personally, I think even adults can benefit from Circle. We can make sure we don’t spend our entire lives online and miss out on things like playing board games together or just talking or exercising. When I was homeschooling, I frequently found that I’d sit down to take a break and I’d end up being on social media for two hours! This would help me stay accountable myself.
How is This Different from Covenant Eyes?
I’ve talked a lot about Covenant Eyes, and I think that’s really worthwhile, too. They both have their strengths. Covenant Eyes does accountability, so that someone can get an email if a person tries to access a bad site. Covenant Eyes isn’t linked to your wifi, so it will work even if you’re out of the house.
But Covenant Eyes doesn’t do the time limits on the devices or apps, which I find really useful. It’s geared more for filtering porn. So it just depends what you need as a family.
I haven’t been this impressed with a product in a long time.
I can see how this would make such a difference in families–helping them get off of their devices and spend some serious family time again! And helping teens avoid some of the pitfalls from social media or getting sucked into the dark internet.
And it helps us adults, too, by helping us to stay accountable to what we actually want. My husband and I have said, “No more than an hour of Netflix a day for us”, and yet we frequently exceed that. If Circle turned off Netflix, I think we’d go out for more walks!
I am an Amazon affiliate, and my affiliate link is in this post. But everything I’ve said is entirely my idea. I’m really impressed with this, and I hope that it helps families get some time back and stop video games and social media from stealing our lives.
See more about Circle here.
(Note: for some reason it doesn’t seem to sell in Canada yet, though it would work just the same here. I’m sure it’s coming soon. I’m picking mine up when I’m in the U.S., but I’m sorry to all my fellow Canadians! I hate it when companies do this. Camera companies do, too–they’ll release something but not in Canada. Sigh. If you have American friends, just get it shipped to them and then have them send it to you!)
What do you think? Have you tried Circle or something like it? Do you think that you, as an adult, could benefit from some accountability too? Let’s talk in the comments!
The post How to Manage Internet Time & Protect Your Kids, All at the Same Time! appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.
September 7, 2016
Wifey Wednesday: How Do You Start a Marriage When Jobs Are So Scarce?
It’s Wednesday, the day when we always talk marriage. And today I wanted to just start a discussion about how the current job situation is affecting young couples.
My oldest daughter Rebecca just graduated from her undergrad at university. I was up visiting last week and she started rattling off all of the jobs that her fellow grads now had: manager at a fast food restaurant; manager at a chain retail store in a mall; working in another chain retail store; reception for a small business. Not a single person had a job that actually required a university degree.
Those that graduated with an actual profession, like nurses and teachers, can’t get jobs in their fields, either. In our neck of the woods, those jobs just don’t exist.
I don’t have any answers today. I just thought I’d make some observations, and then we could talk about it together.
How do millennial marriages start well in such a bad job market? Some thoughts.
Click To Tweet
I think what’s happened is that more and more young people have been pushed to go to university, but the jobs aren’t necessarily there.
Yet as more and more people have university degrees, jobs that once would have been open for kids with high school diplomas are now going to people with four year degrees, leaving those with just high school diplomas farther behind.
At the same time, university has been dumbed down. It isn’t as rigorous as it once was, making the value of the degree much lower. Add to that the fact that companies are no longer hiring full-time employees to do things. Many are just hiring contractors. And universities are not keeping up with many of the skills needed in the current job market.
My youngest daughter, for instance, is getting a marketing degree from a very well-respected program. But in looking at the courses she’s required to take, they’re geared towards somebody getting a job for a company like Ford or Coca-Cola or a big grocery chain. If most new jobs are at companies with fewer than five employees, then how is this relevant? All the things that I hire out on this blog, for instance, aren’t things that are covered in her program. And yet they are skills that are desperately needed.
So there you are as a young couple, and all you desperately want is to have that traditional life you’ve dreamed of.
You want decent jobs so that you can save money for a downpayment on a little house. You want to be able to furnish that house. You’d like to be able to think about having children at least in the next few years. But how can you do that if you can’t afford for one of you to quit your job?
Back in 1989 I was making $15 an hour as a secretary one summer. Another job was $13 an hour. Wages are exactly the same today as they were 30 years ago.
But prices have risen substantially. People now have student debt. And so all of these things that we’ve been selling young people as dreams seem harder and harder to reach.
My daughter’s friends are very bright. They’re hard workers. And there just aren’t jobs, although the unemployment rate is not that high. It’s just that everybody seems underemployed.
I don’t know what the answer is, except to keep living within your means. Learn to be very frugal so you can save. Avoid student debt as much as possible.
And, if possible, aim to have your own business.
Two books that I think are just brilliant are Cal Newport’s So Good They Can’t Ignore You and Barbara Winter’s Making a Living without a Job.
Newport talks about developing skills that businesses need so that you have something to sell to them. Winter talks about how to create the self-employment lifestyle.
Neither gives you step-by-step plans for creating your own business; both more help you dream in that direction and see that it may be possible and brainstorm about how you can create the life you love, and then you can get other resources that take you through the nitty gritty. But they can help you look at work differently. Newport will encourage you to develop skills; Winter will show you that there are other pathways to income than a traditional job.
What I’ve always told my girls is not to try to find a 9-5 job at an office, but instead to figure out how you can create your own job, and that’s what both are doing. My son-in-law is now aiming for that as well. And in this job market, that may be the smartest move.
But it still saddens me to listen as Rebecca rattles off all the jobs her friends have, and then acknowledges, “but they’re so grateful to have a job at all!”
Starter jobs are one thing–but at least people once had the promise of more. Now we don’t. So you’re newly married, and what do you do? Do you just keep getting more degrees in hopes that a better job is there if you just have a Master’s or a Ph.D. or that one other diploma? Do you go back to a technical college instead with a more practical diploma? Or do you jump in and hope for the best? And how does that uncertainty affect your marriage?
I know many who read this blog are twenty-somethings. You’re living this right now. So let’s talk: do you find it hard to plan for the future when it’s hard to see how to ever get a decent paycheque? How is it affecting you? Are your friends going through this, or is my daughter’s experience the anomaly? Let’s talk in the comments!
Like this post? Pin It!
The post Wifey Wednesday: How Do You Start a Marriage When Jobs Are So Scarce? appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.
September 6, 2016
Top 10 Ways to Make Your Child Feel Appreciated
Many of us moms are teary this time of year: our kids are growing up, as each new “first day of school” photo proves. And we start wondering: “am I doing a good job? Do my kids truly know that I love them?”
Lacey Hauptman sent me this post on 10 ways to help your child feel appreciated, and I thought today would be a great day to run it and remind us how to build those strong relationships so kids know that our love is rock solid.
Here’s Lacey:
“Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.” (Proverbs 22:6)
Instilling discipline and good values in your child while making him feel loved can be quite tricky. You may not notice it, but in trying to make them godly and morally upright, sometimes you end up being more critical than nurturing. I know for a fact that I have been guilty of this more often than I’d like to admit. Despite our better judgment, sometimes we parents are quicker to spot mistakes than we are when it comes to praising and showing appreciation for our kids.
Parents should balance this out by regularly making children feel that their efforts, skills, talents, and opinions are being noticed and appreciated as well. It’s healthier for their self-esteem and emotional wellbeing.
Follow the suggestions below to ease yourself into becoming more appreciative of your child:
1. Listen to your children
Most kids can be talkative, and when they talk they tend to gravitate toward topics that may not necessarily interest some grown-ups. Because of this, most parents tend to disregard what their kids say as “nonsense.”
If this sounds like something you may have been unconsciously doing, then for starters, you need to learn how to listen attentively to your child. Know that there’s a fine line between listening and hearing. Just because they are young, doesn’t mean that what they have to say is any less important. Make your child feel that what he has to say is valuable. Don’t brush him off in favor of work or other responsibilities. Or if you really can’t talk at the moment, tell your child nicely that you’ll talk to him soon when you’re done with work. The key here is to still make him feel like you care, and that what he has to say matters to you.
Listening to your kid’s stories is also a good way to get to know him. Treasure the days that your child still tells you about his day. You’ll miss it when he gets older.
2. Encourage self-expression
When your child does something that goes against your idea of the “perfect” son or daughter, it’s easy to go berserk and feel bad for not raising them properly. The next time this happens, try to reflect on what your child is trying to express instead of immediately judging him. He may actually have a point. Letting your child know that he can always open up to you about what he feels, positive or negative, will foster a strong bond between you two that he will carry through to adulthood.
3. Allow him to pursue his interests
My husband is a photographer, and he loves to take pictures of our family. As a result, our son became interested in photography at the early age of six. He begged us to get him his very own camera for his seventh birthday (which was a few months ago), and obviously we couldn’t get him a professional DSLR like the one his dad uses. But after doing some research on kid-friendly cameras and shopping around online, we eventually got him a sturdy Nikon point-and-shoot for him to practice with.
If your child is interested in a certain hobby, don’t discourage him just because he is young. If he your child wants to try painting, encourage him to do so. If your child is into music, enroll him in a music class. There are a ton of ways you can support your kid and show him that you appreciate his interest in honing his talents and skills.
4. Praise your kid for a job well done
To praise or not to praise? Much debate has been going around on whether praise is good or bad for a child. Some say that giving children too much praise and encouragement may lead to a sense of entitlement and an overestimation of their talents and abilities—some may even grow up into narcissists. But as with everything, the key here is balance. Remember when you were a child and you wanted so bad to be recognized for your achievements? Your child wants the same, too.
There’s nothing wrong with giving children constructive criticism, but it is important to give adequate, well-deserved praise as well.
5. Hug more often
The power of a parent’s touch doesn’t end after your child grows past the infant stage. Believe it or not, hugging your child often can do wonders in making him feel comforted and secured. Does your child find hugging awkward? A pat on the back or on the head would suffice.
6. Go on dates with your child
Source: McDonald’s Australia YouTube Channel
When my son doesn’t have school, I sometimes take him with me when I run my errands. And afterwards, we’d drive to the nearest ice cream shop and reward ourselves with a banana split or a mint chocolate chip cone. Lately, however, his favorite mother-son dates involve going to the park or the beach to do little photo shoots with his new camera, with me serving obligingly as his model.
Memories of your bonding moments together will stay in your child’s heart forever. Spend some time with your child whenever you can. If possible, let him pick what he wants to do. Or just like in the video above, take your child out to eat his favorite food. You don’t have to do anything fancy. Just let your kid have your undivided attention. He will surely appreciate that.
7. Say “I love you”
This may be hard to do when you grew up in a non-affectionate family. But it’s never too late to start making changes in your own home. Even if your child grows up to the point where he cringes at the thought of hearing his parent say “I love you,” he would still appreciate that you do.
8. Keep your word
Just as you would honor your word with your friends and colleagues, do the same with your child. He will respect you more if you know how to keep your promises. And if you won’t be able to follow through, explain why. Even if you feel that your child is too young to understand, it’s still better than not saying anything.
9. Do little favors for your child
Or sneak in small surprises for him when you can. A special surprise treat (along with a sweet little note) in his lunch box or a day off from doing chores just because can go a long way in making your child feel special and loved.
10. Allow your child to take part in family decisions
Most parents tend to make all the decisions for the household. And while this usually makes sense with younger kids, it’s a whole other story when the kids are older and able to comprehend such decisions. My parents left me and my siblings out of any decision making until we were well into our early twenties, and it made us feel that they did not think we were mature enough to understand or comprehend whatever was going on. I’m sure it wasn’t intentional on their part to make us feel a certain way, but of course it would have been better if we had been included.
Except for sensitive matters, there’s no harm in letting your child take part in your family’s decision-making. This will empower your child and make him feel that his opinion is valued and that he is a vital part of the family.
Making your child feel appreciated early on in life can have dramatic effects in the way he views himself and the world. So don’t hold off on the appreciation. Show your child that you value what he is and what he can become as a person.
Lacey Hauptman is a freelance writer, graphic designer, and stay-at-home mom, as well as an animal lover, a frustrated fashionista, a hopeless romantic, and a Harry Potter nerd. When she’s not fulfilling her wife and mom duties, she enjoys reading YA fiction (which she’s probably too old for) or writing stories, poems, essays, and more.
The post Top 10 Ways to Make Your Child Feel Appreciated appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.
September 5, 2016
Do We Ever Think Back on Our Story?
I hope you’re enjoying a wonderful Labour Day weekend! For most of my fellow Canadians, school starts again tomorrow. So this is the last day of summer!
Just a quick announcement today about a radio interview, and then a thought I’m having.
The announcement: I’m the guest on FamilyLife Today radio today and tomorrow! I recorded it last spring with Dennis Rainey, and it was so fun! Today’s installment is “Stinkin’ Thinkin'”, and tomorrow’s is “Thinking the Best of Our Spouse”. We were chatting about my book 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage.
And remember: I have a FREE study guide to go along with the book. You can sign up for the individual study guide, or, if you run a women’s Bible study, I have a 6-week women’s Bible study and an 8-week women’s Bible study that you can use. With video, of course (though I’m uploading some of the last ones tonight!).
Thinking About My Story…
I spent last most of last week in Ottawa with my daughters, dropping Katie off at university and helping Rebecca edit her book on Why She Didn’t Rebel which is due in at Thomas Nelson on October 1.
(We had just finished recording a podcast for my patrons (the readers who support me each month), and we made fun of Connor on it for sipping soup. Hence he’s sipping soup in this photo!).
Meanwhile, my husband was on call at the hospital in Kingston, about an hour from where we live. So I decided to spend a few days here with him while he finishes up his shift.
We’re staying at a hotel with a lovely patio (I’m sitting outside surrounded by stone and ivy right now) that’s quite close to downtown, so I walked Keith to the hospital this morning and then spent an hour and a half along the waterfront trail.
Kingston has so many memories for me. We met here, while at Queen’s University. We were married here. I remember taking walks when I was pregnant with Rebecca, just praying not to throw up. I remember heartbreaks and miscarriages and stress. And I remember so much laughter with housemates and kisses with my fiance on a frozen lake.
Yesterday I was remembering other things–it was twenty years to the day since my son died.
And I was just thinking about how God writes our stories, and how there is so much to remember. How all of is makes us who we are.
Processed with Snapseed.There is something about walking by water that makes me reflect on what has been, and then pray for what’s coming.
My girls are both moved out; they won’t be coming home again, I don’t think. As I write this I’m listening to two other sets of parents on the phone with their kids, who have just moved into residence at Queen’s. My niece moved in here yesterday. We’ll likely stop by and bring her ice cream later this afternoon.
Kids grow up.
This morning, as I was walking, I stopped and actually read all the monuments that are set up around the downtown. Kingston is one of the oldest cities in Ontario (really in Canada, actually), and there’s so much history here. So many stories.
I don’t have anything profound today. I’m just thinking. We all have sadness in our lives, sometimes profound sadness, but there is also so much joy. And somehow it is all a part of it. And I think it’s good, sometimes, to stop and remember.
The post Do We Ever Think Back on Our Story? appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.
September 2, 2016
Are Your Money Habits As a Couple Holding You Back?
I shared recently in my parenting newsletter (you can sign up for my parenting and marriage newsletters here!) and on social media my post about how to teach kids what life costs. And because of that, I’ve had some readers saying, “this is great, but how do we figure out OURSELVES how we should treat money?” Money’s a thorny subject for many couples, and since on Fridays I write a quick, 400-word marriage moment with one thought to tide you over for the weekend, I thought I’d share the one overarching thought that has helped my husband and me in all of our money decisions.
I know this is simplistic–I’m limiting myself to 400 words, after all, and there is so much to be said! But this one concept was important to me, and I hope it may help you, too.
Sheila’s Marriage Moment: Don’t Let Money Habits Hold You Back as a Couple!
If you’ve grown up in church like I have, you’ve likely heard sermons on how God will bless you and send you more money if you are faithful in giving to the church. “Dare God to bless you!”
I always thought that was a little simplistic–if we give money, then God deliberately gives it back.
But then my mom read something in a book and shared it with us that made so much sense, and it’s changed the way that we understand God’s view of money.
First, God wants to bless people. He wants to reach the world that doesn’t know Him, and He wants to rescue those who need rescuing. Second, the way that God has chosen to do this is through His people. The aim is to reach others and bless the world; the conduit is us.
Now here’s where a word picture comes in.
Picture God on top of a mountain (he owns the cattle on a thousand hills, after all!). All around the base of the mountain are the people that God wants to help. All up and down the mountain are His people. In order for His blessings to reach the base of the mountain, those blessings have to go through His people.
So God sends water down the mountain. Some people use what they need and then let the rest keep flowing down, so that lots reaches to the bottom. Some people figure out cool ways to make the water reach the bottom more efficiently. But then some people dam up the water to keep it for themselves, and some waste a ton.
As God looks down the mountain, He’s naturally going to choose to send more water through the people who get more to the bottom, and less to the people who aren’t good conduits.
This made sense to me. It isn’t that God is all about punishing the stingy and blessing the generous (though that is a part of it) as much as it is that God is about getting resources to further His kingdom. It’s not only about tithing, then; it’s also about learning to be responsible with the money that we do have.
What does this mean for you? I do believe that when we practice good money habits (like Dave Ramsey espouses!) and are generous, finances tend to be easier. That’s not always the case, because there are always good people struggling for a season, and there are always rotten people prospering. Sometimes we go through periods of financial crisis for no apparent reason, though God teaches us in that, too. But in general, that’s how God’s finances work.
So don’t be afraid to be generous, but be very afraid if you have bad money habits. God wants to bless; but it’s our choice whether He uses us or not.
What’s #1 at To Love, Honor and Vacuum?
A few of this week’s posts hit the top position (so great!), so here are some other posts that have rounded out the top 3 spots (and most are from last week!)!
#1 NEW Post on the Blog: My Husband Doesn’t Want Any More Kids. I Do.
#1 on the Blog Overall: Top 10 Tips For Initiating Sex With Your Husband
#2 from Facebook: 3 Easy Habits To Become A “Porn Free” Home
#3 from Pinterest: 10 Sexy Questions To Ask Your Husband — To Turn The Heat Up!
I’m Moving Katie Back to School
Katie (my 19-year-old) was home for the summer with us. That was a treat! But it’s time to go back to school, so this week we packed up the car and drove back to Ottawa. I’m staying with my older daughter and her husband for a few days, too, while we work on Rebecca’s book, which is due at Thomas Nelson on October 1. It’s fun to be in a city with great restaurants again!
But I really felt like this was the end of an era, somehow. Rebecca is moved out for good, and somehow it feels like Katie won’t be home next summer. I think she’s on her own now too. Of course we still see each other a lot, but I feel like life has turned a corner. It’s a good thing I’m busy with a tour starting next week so I don’t have a lot of time to dwell on it–or to sit in an empty house!
Tune in Monday & Tuesday to FamilyLife Today Radio!
I’ll be on FamilyLife Today on Monday and Tuesday talking about 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage! Be sure to tune in. And I’ll post the link once it’s live on Facebook, too.
Pennsylania, Michigan, and the Central States–I’m Coming!
I’ll be in Erie, Pennsylvania, and then in several places in the upper peninsula in Michigan before heading south for Iowa and Kansas. Check out my events page for all of the details! If you live in the area, I’d love to meet you in person. It’s always fun to see people who already know of me. And the “Girl Talk” is super fun. I give a really humorous but informative talk, and then the Q&A anonymous session is always a riot because it’s unscripted. It’s a great event, and I hope that people can make it!
I’m Coming to the Southwest, Too!
And then I’ll be heading to New Mexico, Arizona, and California in January. My central states tour is booked up, but we are adding churches to the southwest tour in the winter. If you want more information, contact my assistant Tammy. We encourage churches to sell tickets to the event, and if you promote it, it’s easy to make the money back so that it doesn’t have to cost your church very much money.
Anyway, that’s all for now. I’m going to go edit some more chapters with Rebecca. Have a wonderful weekend, everyone!
Has God ever shown you some truths about money? Share them with me in the comments!
The post Are Your Money Habits As a Couple Holding You Back? appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.
September 1, 2016
How Do You Hear God’s Voice?
I’ve been thinking a lot about those questions lately, and I thought today I’d just jot down some of my thoughts. They may be a little disjointed; I’m still working this out. But I know it’s a frustration many of us share, and I thought we could talk about it.
When I’m talking about hearing God’s voice, too, I’m talking about hearing God tell you very specific things about your situation–things that can’t just be found in Scripture. Are you supposed to move to another state? Are you supposed to have another child–or not have another child? Are you supposed to marry this particular person? In Scripture God gives us principles, but not specifics. He leaves the specifics for us to wrestle through. But often we’d prefer the wrestling to end because we’d like to hear God say something specific.
For most of us, that “specific” message is a rarity; it’s not an everyday thing.
The Bible doesn’t tell us how to hear God’s voice as much as it tells us how NOT to hear God’s voice
I wish there were passages that would tell us something like, “if you need to make a decision and you want God to tell you what to do, all you have to do is X, Y, and Z!”
That would be wonderful. But instead there are more passages about when God WON’T answer prayer–when we ignore justice and ignore the poor (Isaiah 1:15); when we’re proud in prayer, assuming we’re right (Luke 18:9-14); when we’re not really sincere and don’t give God our best (Malachi 1:7-9); when we don’t treat our spouse well (1 Peter 3:7)–there are more, but basically when we’re deliberately living against how God wants us to live. When we won’t forgive others, God says, He does the same to us. By the measure we use, God will use to us.
That’s a stern warning. If we want to hear from God, then, we really do need to get our hearts right.
But let’s take even another step back: Is it good theology to think that there’s something special that we can do to “make” God reveal His plans?
I think we have this backwards. We think that we should be able to do something that will make God speak to us–as if God is waiting to reveal all of His plans to us if we will just do the right dance. But isn’t that making God into Aladdin, where we rub the lamp and then He delivers for us?
If God speaks, it’s because God wants to speak–not because we make Him.
If God speaks, it's because God wants to speak. It's not because we can make Him.
Click To Tweet
So does that mean that we can never hear God speak?
No, I don’t think so. But it does mean this:
If we want to hear God’s voice, we need to give God opportunities to speak
One thing I’ve found in the last year is that I tend to hear more “nudgings” and “confirmations” when I take time specifically to ask God questions and give Him a chance to reply. When I journal questions that I’m having, and then read relevant books and read my devotionals and the Scripture for that day, it’s amazing how often I feel those nudges or even specific words that keep recurring–verses that I’m praying over someone, for instance, I’ll see 20 times in the week after I started praying for them, whereas it was a verse that’s hardly mentioned normally.
But on the days when I don’t take that time to journal and to pray and to read, I very rarely hear anything, because for me, confirmation usually comes from those moments.
When God asked Gideon to lead an army against the Midianites, Gideon put out his famous fleece, asking God, “if you want me to lead this army, then tomorrow morning, let the fleece be wet with dew and the ground around it by dry.” The next day, it was just like Gideon had asked. But what if that was a fluke? (Don’t we second guess ourselves all the time? Was that really God? Isn’t it presumptuous of me to assume that?). So he put out the fleece again and asked for the opposite. He got it.
Now, I don’t think that the principle should be that we never walk forward in obedience without massive physical confirmation. What’s interesting about Gideon’s story is that he was asking for a sign to confirm something that God had actually told him to do. Why do you need confirmation when God speaks? Because we’re not sure it’s God. You’re not asking God, “did you really want me to do this?” What you’re really asking God is, “Did I really hear you?”
Personally, I think putting out a “fleece” (whatever that may look like) is perfectly reasonable after you hear something wild from God. But I don’t think putting out a “fleece” for every decision we make will work, because if God didn’t speak, He has nothing to confirm.
Which brings me to this:
If God really wants you to do a specific thing, He’ll tell you.
Often when we have to make a decision we don’t want the pressure. We’d rather be able to say, “God told me to do this.” But what if God is honestly giving you a choice? What if He’s saying, “I trust you, walk forward, let’s see what you can do.” If God wants you absolutely to do one thing over another, He will tell you. If He doesn’t, then maybe it’s because He really is leaving it up to you.
And I think that’s why the “fleece” thing for every decision doesn’t work. If God is leaving it up to us, then He’s leaving it up to us. And we need to walk forward.
After all, isn’t wrestling an important part of faith? Maybe walking forward despite the silence is worth something. Maybe trying to work out what is the right thing to do, even if God is silent, is better than twisting ourselves in knots trying to get God to speak.
But what if you believe God did speak? How do you live with doubt?
Often God prophesies something and then is silent. He told Abraham that Abraham would have a son–and then nothing happened for 25 years (other than Abraham taking matters into his own hands in the interim). He prophesied through the prophets about Judah and Israel’s captivity and return.
More often than not, God’s specific words are followed by years of silence.
God's specific words to us are usually followed by years of silence. Can you live with silence?
Click To Tweet
When we read the Bible stories about how the prophets or the patriarchs doubted in the meantime, we often interpret that to mean that they doubted God. I’m not sure that’s really true. I wonder, instead, if they doubted their own ability to hear God. You can totally believe in God and yet second guess yourself all the time. Did I really hear that? Was I right that that’s what God was saying?
And doubting that you can hear God is almost scarier, because if you believed that you heard God, but you were wrong–then how do you hear God? Is God then unknowable?
And don’t we all want to know that we serve a God who does speak, and whose voice can be discerned? Because if we can’t hear God, and if we can’t discern His voice correctly, then God is no longer personal. And that’s almost scarier than giving up on the thought that there is a God at all. An impersonal God, or one who plays with my emotions? That seems worse than none at all.
So what are we supposed to do?
I think we just walk forward. You give God opportunities to speak, but don’t assume that you can “make” God speak or reveal exactly what you’re supposed to do in every situation. Don’t assume that if you don’t have a “word from the Lord” that you’re somehow doing something wrong. Yes, examine yourself to make sure there’s nothing in your life that’s keeping God from answering your prayers. But remember: God speaks when God wants to speak. Let God be God.
And in the meantime, pray lots and teach yourself how to listen. Listen to the nudgings, to the little things. He promised that His sheep would know His voice (John 10), so follow Him closely. But don’t allow yourself to be paralyzed because you don’t have answers, or because you’re in a season of waiting. Unless you’ve been specifically told to wait, then move forward.
This week we’ve been talking about what to do when you feel like you want another baby, and your husband says no. Often we couch those discussions in terms of what God told us or what God wants. There are times when God does give specific words, and we do need to follow them. But if He doesn’t–don’t worry. Move forward. Keep listening, even in the silence. And I do believe that you will feel His love and acceptance and grace, even if you don’t hear a specific answer.
What do you think? Have you ever heard a specific word from God? What did that look like?
The post How Do You Hear God’s Voice? appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.
