Sheila Wray Gregoire's Blog, page 142
January 9, 2017
When Your Husband Doesn’t Understand: Is It Your Problem or His?
Every Monday I like to answer a reader question. But this Monday–indeed, this week–we’re going to do something a little different. Last Monday I answered the question, “what do I do when my husband refuses to talk about something important?”
I had so much feedback that I decided to dedicate this week to how to talk about these issues! Today we’re going to start with our own hearts. Then, once we’ve dealt with our own stuff, we can move on to how to have those important conversations. Tomorrow I’ll look at 10 ways to talk so that your husband will hear you, and then we’ll look at the only way to resolve marriage conflicts.
If you really struggle with this in your marriage, just know that EVERYTHING that I’m saying this week is also in my book 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage–but that book covers it in so much more detail! We’re dealing with the two thoughts this week–“I’m called to be a PeaceMAKER, not a PeaceKEEPER”, and “I can find a Win/Win”.
I hope it’s so helpful!
So let’s jump in.
One of the big themes in my book is that you can’t deal with problems between the two of you unless you first examine yourself. It’s like Jesus said in Matthew 7:3-5:
3 “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? 4 How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye?5 You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.
It’s not that you can’t confront your husband when he’s doing something wrong–in fact, over the next two days we’re going to talk about how to do that! It’s just that we’ll be much more effective at doing so when we first deal with our own stuff.
Here’s what one commenter wrote last week:
I wonder how many husbands out there refuse to talk about issues, because they don’t feel safe to share their point of view or their opinion does not get heard. I think all too often the ” honey, we need to talk” means that the wife is trying to get the husband to do what she wants… No wonder he’ll shut down!
Now, please hear me: often we do have real issues that need to get talked about. A husband who watches porn. A husband who texts other women. A husband who ignores our feelings.
But to be totally honest, often when I’m feeling lonely or upset in my marriage, it isn’t these big things.
So let me tell you a story:
(I wrote this a few years back; I’m sure some of you can relate):
Imagine that it’s a Saturday morning, and we’re planning to go cross-country skiing with the kids. As soon as I wake, I start to list in my head all the things that need to be prepared: the kids have to find their snow pants, and I know Rebecca’s been missing a snow glove since last month; we need to pack a bag with water and some snacks, and we’d better bring some extra scarves and hats in case we get too wet. A few band-aids wouldn’t hurt, either. Obviously we’ll have to do the dinner dishes from last night, since we all know I can’t leave dishes in the sink if I’m leaving the house. And since we’re going out anyway, we may as well go by the library, because the books are due on Monday!
I go in search of my family, who are downstairs playing the Wii, having a grand old time. My blood pressure starts to rise. Do they expect me to do everything? Then I discover they haven’t even had breakfast yet. Why was Keith just playing with the kids instead of giving them their marching orders?
Yet no matter how much I may wish it, they are never going to have all the stuff that goes into keeping a family together in their heads the way it is in mine. And maybe that’s okay. We all have different roles to play. When it comes to the kids, I’m more like the General. I’m scanning for threats, planning future battles, and mapping out supply routes. Keith, on the other hand, is the crusty sergeant. Usually he’s just goofing around with the troops, but when there’s a specific task to do, he can bark orders with the best of them.
What I’ve learned is that when we have a big day ahead of us, I just need to communicate to my husband all the things I think need to get done. He crosses off what’s unnecessary, talks me down, and then organizes the rest. Instead of fuming at him for not thinking about it in the first place, I’ve started sharing the load. It works so much better.
When I used to see Keith playing with the kids or goofing off when I had a long to-do list in my head of all the stuff I had to get done, my first reaction was usually anger.
Did he expect me to do everything?
Doesn’t he care that we’re nowhere near ready to go?
Why can’t he ever plan for the day? Why is it always my responsibility?
But then I started to ask myself:
Do I really believe that Keith expects me to do all the work for the family?
Do I really believe that Keith is lazy?
Do I really believe that he doesn’t value our schedule the same way that I do?
And the answer would always be no.
The simple fact was that Keith just didn’t see it in the same way that I did. And if I took the time to ask for help and laid out what I thought needed to be done, he was usually quite happy to comply, especially when I did it without any kind of blame or anger.
In my case it was about stuff around the house that needed to get done. In your case it may be something different: you feel like your husband doesn’t understand you or value you because he doesn’t buy you a good birthday present; he doesn’t want to spend time with you; he doesn’t ask about your day or try to probe what’s going on in your heart. But it may not be that he doesn’t care; it may simply be that he has a different love language or values different things.
If you struggle with anger as your first response, here are some other posts that can help:
Believe He Means Well
How Believing the Best Can Turn Your Marriage Around
BUT–perhaps you ask those questions and the answer is actually YES! I do believe that my husband doesn’t understand me and doesn’t care about me.
That may be true. But most guys really aren’t that mean.
So can I suggest something?
If you think your husband doesn’t understand you and doesn’t care about you, try asking for what you need.
Say it like this,
Honey, I’m so excited about today’s outing with the kids! I’ll get the lunches and the snacks ready; how about you grab the snow pants and extra scarves and hats?
Don’t give him a lecture or get angry, because that’s disrespectful and what often causes guys to withdraw. Just be kind and straightforward. And if you ask him with the starting point that you he is irresponsible while you are responsible, then it will sound like an attack and that will NOT help your marriage.
So refrain from giving him a lecture, like:
Why are you playing games with the kids when there’s so much to do? Are you just waiting or me to do it all? The kids need their snow pants and scarves!
Just ask him kindly.
If you have trouble with that, here are some extra posts that can help:
Stop Being UnHelp-Able
How to Ask for Help–Just Say It!
What if that doesn’t work? Don’t worry, we’ll get to that in the next few days!
But for today, remember this:
When I feel angry at my husband, do a reality check: “Do I really believe that my husband thinks that way?”
Look at the situation and ask, “do we simply see things differently?
Ask kindly and simply for what you need.
Sometimes that’s all it takes for things to turn around!
Tune in tomorrow when we get really practical with 10 ways to talk so your husband will hear!
Let me know in the comments: Has asking for help simply and kindly ever brought surprising results in your marriage?
The post When Your Husband Doesn’t Understand: Is It Your Problem or His? appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.
January 6, 2017
What Is it That God Wants from You This New Year?
I talked about having a different attitude about communication, both in terms of having difficult conversations but also letting your husband help. I talked about having a new start with finances, and even making goals for the year.
But there’s one other thing that I’d like to discuss today. On Fridays I like to just leave you with one thought to chew on over the weekend, and today I want to turn more to the spiritual side. What are the most important changes that God wants us to make this year?
Sheila’s Friday Musings: What Does God Want from You this Year?
The one thing I pray to God for, over and over again, is fruitfulness. I want to make a difference. I want to be part of God doing something on this earth.
That sounds very noble, but is it really? Because recently it’s hit me that by concentrating on fruitfulness, what I was really saying is:
“God, in your economy I want to feel important.”
And that’s not really what God wants from me. What God wants is right character–He wants holiness, righteousness, faithfulness. All that fruitfulness that I long for is just a by-product of faithfulness anyway. Remember John 15:5, when Jesus says “if you remain in me and I in you you will bear much fruit”? We abide in Him, and He bears the fruit. We don’t bear it; He does.
So it really is righteousness I should aim after.
I have to admit, though, that I have a bit of a problem with that. I didn’t grow up seeing things in black and white, right and wrong, and I got used to doing the expedient thing at times. I’m not saying I did huge things wrong, but I have always struggled with white lies, or envy, or sitting on the fence if it was possible.
My daughters seem to have much deeper consciences than I do, for which I am eternally grateful. But God has been making my conscience much more picky over the last decade, which is not a comfortable feeling. I know that I am not the same person I was a decade ago. I can’t watch the same movies. I can’t take any extra change at the grocery store if someone adds the bill up wrong. But it’s the big things, especially, that matter to me–whether I cause dissension in the extended family; whether I show love to those who are difficult; whether I am jealous or envious of others.
But it is a struggle, isn’t it? We want to do great things for God on the outside, and get all our doctrinal ducks in a row, but we don’t always take the time to really look at our hearts. We’re missing something important, because God is always trying to change us; if we think that we don’t need it, and that our main aim now should be to be fruitful, then we’ve missed the boat. We’ve put ourselves in the driver’s seat, instead of Him.
In the 1940s and 1950s, the church talked about sin perhaps too much–or at least they talked about it in a dysfunctional way. My mother remembers, as a child, being read passages from Revelation on how liars went to hell, which hardly made her want to do her devotions. The Bible became a source of punishment, rather than peace.
But today we have thrown out the idea of sin and replaced it with this transformational gospel–that our main job is to make the world into something better for Him. And we’ve forgotten that we can’t do that without an honest look at our hearts.
I was talking with a friend this week who is walking through a difficult marriage. We didn’t talk about whether she should try to fix it. We didn’t talk about strategies for getting him to talk or see things her way. We only talked about one thing: her job everyday, first and foremost, is to seek after God, listen to God, and then try to look more and more like Jesus everyday. When we do that, the rest will fall into place.
I do think New Year’s goals are important to help us solidify our values and our direction, especially with our marriage. But ultimately the best thing we can do is to start following in Jesus’ steps. And I just thought that needed to be said.
What’s #1 at To Love, Honor and Vacuum?
Happy New Year everyone! I hope you all had a wonderful celebration ringing in 2017! Here are the top posts from this week. Let’s start 2017 with a bang and tackle the problems we face in our marriages!
#1 Post on the Blog: My Husband Refuses To Talk About Our Issues
#1 on the Blog Overall: 20 Two Player Games To Play With Your Husband
#3 from Facebook: When Your Husband Won’t Change Part 2: Is This The Last Straw?
#1 from Pinterest: Top 10 Tips For Initiating Sex With Your Husband
Some BIG Things Happening at To Love, Honor and Vacuum
So there is so much going on behind the scenes right now! We’ve been working on a new theme which I hope against hope to launch late next week. The blog is going to look so much better! I’m really excited about it.
And we’re working on setting up a free resource marriage library for those who sign up for my newsletter. Right now I have a whole bunch of freebies you can get all scattered in different posts, so people sign up and they get ONE freebie. But I’m going to put them all in a central place–all the printables, ebooks, downloads, and free email courses–so that those on my list can just go get whatever they want, when they want!
I’ve also been putting the finishing touches on my Boost Your Libido video course, which will launch in early February, right in time for Valentine’s Day! It’s got 10 modules, with 10 videos, but also lessons, extra reading materials, worksheets, and so much more. It’s been a ton of fun to put together!
AND on top of all of that I’m changing my newsletter that goes out every Friday. Right now it just does a roundup of the week, but I’m going to do it more so it includes exclusive content, like pictures behind the scenes, roundups on what I’ve been reading this month, some video content, and more.
All of that’s to say, if you’re not signed up for my newsletters yet, now’s the best time to do it, so you don’t miss anything! And I’m excited about the changes that are coming!
We’re Heading to Arizona/California/Texas on Sunday!
Keith and I are heading to the airport this weekend to pick up our RV, which is in storage in Phoenix. Then we’ll be driving over to Anaheim where I’ll be giving a Girl Talk, before heading back to Arizona and Texas. The best way to find out when I’ll be speaking near you is with my newsletters. If you sign up, the newsletter system keeps track of where you are by GPS when you sign up (I know that’s slightly creepy, but it helps a ton!). Then, if I’m ever within 150 miles of you, you’ll get an email!
Oh, and I’ll be heading back to Texas in March and again in May, so if your church may want to host a Girl Talk, let me know!
Have a great weekend, everyone! I’ll see you again when I’m in Arizona!
The post What Is it That God Wants from You This New Year? appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.
January 5, 2017
Becoming Help-Able: Learning to Let Him Help
Today my good friends Kathi Lipp and Cheri Gregory are joining me to talk about how to stop feeling quite so overwhelmed. They’ve just published an AMAZING book called Overwhelmed (wow, do you see a theme here?), and I asked them to share something with you today–a little change in attitude and thought that could turn everything around.
Here’s Cheri, on behalf of her and Kathi:
“The rolls are ruined!”
I stare into the breadmaker at a heap of sticky dough and a pile of flour that’s somehow evaded the mixing blade for the last 30 minutes.
Reaching for a rubber scraper, I attempt to salvage my family’s favorite part of Christmas dinner.
How could I have forgotten to set a five-minute timer? If I start over now, it’ll be two hours until we eat and …
“Do you need help?” my husband asks.
My irritation switches, from my own failure to his over-eager offer of assistance.
“No,” I snap. “I’ve got it.”
As Daniel leaves me to duke it out with the dough on my own, I feel the gnaw of regret.
He caught me off guard, I tell myself, trying to assuage my guilt. I had barely started assessing the problem and wasn’t ready to discuss a solution until…
On the surface, my thoughts seem reasonable.
But I recognize the truth beneath all my rationalizing.
I didn’t decline my husband’s help because he offered it the wrong way or at the wrong time.
I rejected my husband’s help because I am unhelp-able.
Are you 'un-helpable'? When we refuse help, we're usually hung up on control. Stop it!
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Why We’re So Unhelp-Able
I’ve taken great pride in never asking for help. Always being the helper, never the helpee. Just the thought of asking for help felt so selfish.
My childhood role models indoctrinated me with the unspoken rule: “The only time you can ask for help is when you’re in crisis.”
So for more than four decades, I’ve had a habit of refusing help until it’s too late for anything other than rescue.
4 Ways to Become More Help-Able
Over the last few years, I’ve been trying to become more help-able.
And let me tell you: this kind of change takes serious effort. It would be so much easier to just keep doing what comes naturally to me. To keep refusing help under the guise of being “unselfish.”
But 1 Corinthians 13:5b tells me that “[love] does not insist on its own way.”
It’s been sobering to realize that the way I reject my husband’s help isn’t unselfish; it’s actually unloving.
Here are four intentional ways I’ve been working toward becoming more help-able:
4 ways to become more help-able (because that's what God wants for you!)
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1. Recognize that being un-help-able is my problem.
I have to resist the urge to make it my husband’s fault that I’m so un-help-able. It’s so easy to spin a story about how He didn’t offer the right kind of help. At the right time. In the right tone of voice. To assure myself that If only he had ________, then I would have gladly accepted his help!
There’s a word for this line of thinking. It’s not flattering, but it is fitting:
control
A primary cause of my un-help-ablity is my own desire for control.
2. Say “Yes, please” when offered help.
My rejection of help isn’t limited to my husband. My knee-jerk answer to everyone offering help has typically been, “Nope. I’ve got it. Thanks anyway.”
So now I’m intentionally choosing to accept help from pretty much anyone who offers.
Even when I’m sure I can carry all the packages to my car all by myself: “Yes, please.”
Even when I really can open the door all by myself: “Yes, please.”
To make it a habit at home, I’m practicing it everywhere I go.
3. Say, “Thank you” after receiving help.
Learning to say an honest “thank you” has been far harder than expected.
I find myself avoiding eye contact, wanting to rush through and get it over with, as if discounting the help I’ve been given will somehow minimize my embarassment at having to depend on someone other than myself.
But it turns out that receiving help isn’t just about me. Giving a heart-felt “thank you” creates a moment of connection, vulnerability, intimacy: the very things I want most in my marriage.
4. Practice asking for help when I don’t even need it.
Yes, you read that right: I’m learning to ask for help even when it’s not necessary.
I’m learning to say, “Could you help me with ______”? and to be fine with whatever his answer may be. Sometimes, he’s able to help; other times, he’s not.
Either way, I am becoming a wife who responds, “Yes, please!” when my husband asks, “Do you need help?” and who outright asks for help, as well.
Let Him Help
I used to try so hard to prove I could do it all, on my own. It was such an overwhelming, isolating way to live.
As I’ve been learning how to ask for and receive help, I’ve discovered a vital truth:
I can’t be my best all by myself.
I need help. We all do.
These days, I try to ask for help soon enough that others—especially my husband—can give it easily, on their own terms.
I keep encouraging myself: You don’t have to wait until a crisis to ask for help.
And giving myself permission: You can ask early. You can ask often.
You can ask for help when you don’t even need it.
Wow, that’s revolutionary, isn’t it? It reminds me of that scene in the movie Date Night, where Steve Carrell and Tina Fey are in a car and he’s saying, “I would love to help, but you never ask me. You never leave room for me.” It was actually quite moving.
If you’ve related to what Cheri was saying here, then Kathi and Cheri have a FREE resource they’d like to share with you, and a chance to win a copy of their book Overwhelmed!
Here’s their FREE resource:
Instead of making New Year’s resolutions (that will only last for a week), how about creating a Personal manifesto that will carry you through the rest of your life? Sign up for great ideas and resources about how to get out from Overwhelmed and you will receive “How to Write Your Personal Manifesto” as our gift to you. Get off the overwhelming cycle of making and breaking resolutions and create a gentle plan for lasting life change.
And now, here’s how you can win! Kathi and Cheri would like to send a copy of Overwhelmed: Quiet the Chaos & Restore Your Sanity to one of our readers!
Feeling overwhelmed? Wondering if it’s possible to move from “out of my mind” to “in control” when you’ve got too many projects on your plate and too much mess in your relationships?
Kathi and Cheri want to show you five surprising reasons why you become stressed, why social media solutions don’t often work, and how you can finally create a plan that works for you. As you identify your underlying hurts, uncover hope, and embrace practical healing, you’ll understand how to…
• trade the to-do list that controls you for a calendar that allows space in your life
• decide whose feedback to forget and whose input to invite
• replace fear of the future with peace in the present
You can simplify and savor your life—guilt free! Clutter, tasks, and relationships may overwhelm you now, but God can help you overcome with grace.
To qualify for the drawing, you need to do TWO things:
#1. LEAVE A COMMENT below.
#2. SHARE THIS POST on social media.
That’s it! Once you do both, your name will be entered into the random drawing. Be sure to tell your friends so they can sign up too. The drawing will take place on next Thursday, January 12. Canadian and U.S. residents only, please! (Sorry to everyone else!)
Kathi Lipp is a busy conference and retreat speaker and the bestselling author of several books, including Clutter Free, The Husband Project, and The Get Yourself Organized Project. She and her husband, Roger, live in California and are the parents of four young adults.
Cheri Gregory spends her weekdays teaching teens and weekends speaking at women’s retreats. She’s been married to her college sweetheart, Daniel, for more than 28 years. The Gregorys and their young adult kids, Annemarie and Jonathon, live in California.
The post Becoming Help-Able: Learning to Let Him Help appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.
January 4, 2017
What Are Your Big Picture Marriage Goals for 2017?
I’m not talking about New Year’s Resolutions. I just mean the big areas of your life where you’re going to laser focus so that you can grow.
Every Wednesday for nine years now I’ve written on the blog about marriage. It’s Wifey Wednesday! And for this first Wednesday of 2017, I want to take a big picture view and ask us to think about where we want to head this year.
Yesterday I was reading a speech that Newt Gingrich gave explaining the rise of Trump and how he believes Trump is going to be a transformational president (this sounds like it’s going to get political, but it really isn’t. Trust me.)
Anyway, I found the speech fascinating not because of what he said about Trump but because of the concepts he talked about regarding leadership and change in general. And there was one concept that really stood out to me that I can’t stop thinking about with regards to marriage.
He was telling a story about Ronald Reagan’s approach to the presidency. Here it is in a nutshell: Reagan understood something fundamental about what you should focus on. Take canivores in nature, like a lion, for instance. A lion can get nutrition from a whole bunch of sources–it can eat zebra and antelope, but it could also eat chipmunks, if it wished. The problem is that if a lion tried to catch chipmunks, that lion would starve, because the amount of energy that it required to catch a chipmunk was more than the amount of energy the chipmunk provided.
So for a lion to be successful, he had to ignore the chipmunks, and go for the antelopes.
When Reagan approached the presidency, he had three big antelopes: Defeat the Soviet Union. Build America’s economy. Restore faith in American civic society. So everyday, when he woke up, he would ask himself, “What am I going to do today? Defeat the Soviet Union. Build America’s economy. Renew faith in American civic society.”
He’d walk into the oval office, and a chipmunk would run in. We get $10 billion dollar federal chipmunks. Reagan was really a disciplined, pleasant guy, and so he would listen, and the chipmunk would explain the problem, and Reagan would say, you are a terrific chipmunk. Have you met Jim Baker?
Baker, as Chief of Staff, became the largest chipmunk collector in the world.
I don’t know why, but I LOVE that story. I told it to four different people yesterday. It works for me. If it wasn’t one of Reagan’s big things, he would pass it off so he could concentrate on what he was called to do.
And the apostle Paul had a similar philosophy. In 1 Corinthians 2:2, he wrote,
For I resolved to know nothing while I was with you except Jesus Christ and him crucified.
The gospel was his antelope. And he ignored all the chipmunks.
In 2016, without really conceptualizing it this way, I had two antelope when it came to prayer, too. Every morning, I would wake up and pray for my two antelope. I would go to sleep praying for those two antelope. I would take prayer walks throughout the day, and while I also prayed for other things, I was praying 80% for my two antelope.
Can we use the antelope/chipmunk idea to make our marriages rock in 2017?
I think we can. Here’s how:
Let your marriage be an antelope.
At its most fundamental, let your marriage be an antelope this year. I’m not just saying that because I write a marriage blog and I want you to like the stuff I like. Marriage isn’t just another hobby or another thing you can improve. Marriage is really THE thing. Think about it this way: Would you rather your marriage prosper and your work suffer, or your work prosper and your marriage suffer?
In the short term some people may pick work. But in the long term, people pick marriage, because it’s only relationships that can feed our souls. You can always find new and different work; find a new and different marriage, and you lose so much in the process.
Or what about this: if you want your kids to do well, it is more important for them that you and your husband are rock solid than it is that they have tons of activities or even a big house.
What does it look like to have your marriage be an antelope?
It means everyday, when you wake up, you say a prayer for how you can grow your marriage today. It means that throughout the day, your focus is on “what can I do today to build my marriage?” Maybe you iron all your husband’s shirts, for no reason except to serve him. Maybe you plan a date night. Maybe you pull out the 2-player board games so you can connect without a screen.
Or maybe you rearrange your schedule so that you’re going to bed at a decent hour and you can have time to connect. Maybe you start flirting with your husband more.
But the point is that one of the big things that you consciously think about, all day, everyday, is “what can I do to build my marriage today?” And if something comes on your plate that would take away from your marriage, then you say no (because it’s a chipmunk!).
Take it one step further: What are your antelopes IN marriage? Make some marriage goals!
Some years I have decided to focus on building my sex life, because it had gotten boring, or we’d never quite figured everything out yet. Some years I have decided to focus on building our friendship, or our spiritual life and praying together more.
But there are also other kinds of antelopes: Maybe you need to focus together this year on how to get out of debt or start saving. Maybe you need to focus on how to raise a specific child. Maybe you need to focus on how to get retraining so that you can get a better job that provides a better lifestyle (like no shift work, for example).
Just as you make marriage an antelope, so it would be great to choose (together if possible) an antelope or two for you to work on together this year. Imagine if you could laser-focus on getting out of debt this year. If everything else was a chipmunk compared to that one big antelope, imagine the dent that you could make in your debt! Everything would be seen through that lens.
I’ve written a lot on this blog that can help you with various antelopes, and I’d like to end this big-picture idea post with some suggestions on how you can start capturing these antelopes:
What are your big picture goals for your marriage this year? Here are some to get you started!
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Feeling more emotionally connected this year
Take my FREE 5-lesson course! Sign up right here.
Find a new hobby to do together
Start talking more using these conversation starters
Start a new daily check in with your husband
Go to bed at the same time
Seeing your sex life thrive
Try 31 Days to Great Sex with your husband! (the ebook is only $4.99. You’ve got nothing to lose!)
Flirt more with your husband
Figure out how to initiate sex
Get more sexy with him: ask him sexy questions, or practice new ways of saying “you’re going to get lucky tonight”
Help sex to feel better for YOU
Learn more about foreplay
Try spicing things up with the Deck of Dares
Get out of debt
Try Dave Ramsey’s Financial Peace University
Try the Use What You Have challenge
Join the Grocery Budget Bootcamp (this is a great program; check out the free training she’s got!)
Stick around the blog–in two weeks we’ll do a whole week on finances in marriage!
Learn how to communicate your needs better
Pick up 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage–it helps you have way more productive conversations, feel more loved, and understand what a close, intimate marriage looks like.
Have those difficult conversations
Learn how to resolve conflict without blaming each other, and find the win-win
Be a PeaceMAKER, not a PeaceKEEPER
Decide to get some marriage counselling
Set more goals together and plan for the future
Dreaming Together printables–for developing a vision for your family
What to do when God calls you to wait for a season
What to do when your goals aren’t the same
Grow your marriage with God
Pray more together!
Get a new vision of what a spiritual leader looks like–especially if you don’t think your husband is one
Memorize Bible verses at the dinner table this year (here are 50 to get you started!)
Do you have a different antelope in mind?
Just leave a comment and tell me what it is, and I’ll try to point you to some posts!
But this year, remember: going after too many chipmunks won’t just cause you to miss your antelope. It will cause you to wither up and miss EVERYTHING. What are your antelope? Pray about it. Let God show you. Then pray for that antelope constantly, and throw your energy at figuring out how to capture it. Make 2017 a year that you actually do make a real difference in your marriage!
31 Days to Great Sex is here (only $4.99!) It's the best $5 you'll ever spend on your marriage!
Learn to talk more, flirt more, and even explore more! You'll work on how to connect emotionally, spiritually, AND physically.
Find out more To Love, Honor and Vacuum.
January 3, 2017
5 Ways the Use What You Have Challenge Can Save You Money!
The new year is wonderful for fresh starts, but unfortunately not everything can automatically be made new just because the calendar changes. And one of the things that follows us into the new year is those pesky credit card bills. January is an awfully tough month financially for many families. Huge bills are due, and the money just isn’t coming in.
But one thing that we often forget is how much money we already have tied up in stuff inside our four walls!
This week I’m talking about new beginnings and starting the new year off well, and today I thought I’d give you a challenge I also gave a few years ago on this blog: let’s start the year saving money by Using What You Actually Have–sort of a “no buy” month challenge. I know that sounds boring, but hear me out.
It used to be that people let nothing go to waste. I’m an avid knitter, and I remember reading about a pioneer woman who used to try out new cable stitches using the string that came tied around the butcher’s packages, because she couldn’t afford to waste yarn. Even string was valuable!
Today we often buy stuff and then it sits in a cupboard, forgotten. I mean, I actually forgot about several Christmas gifts I had purchased over the course of the year for people, only discovering them after Christmas has passed! So if you and your husband have decided that one of your New Year’s Resolutions is to get a handle on your finances, then maybe it’s time to open up those cupboard doors and figure out what’s there.
The 'Use What You Have' Month Challenge: It's amazing how much we already have in our cupboards:
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1. Use What You Have: Food
The average family has between $250-$400 of groceries inside their home at any one time. And I’m pretty sure that’s a low estimate if you include what’s in my freezer!
So this month, why not make it a challenge to actually use the cans that are in your cupboard, and the meat that is in your freezer? Don’t buy stuff at the store–even if it’s on sale. Use up what you actually have.
Those tins of cranberry? Use them. Those tins of tuna? Figure out how to make a casserole.
I’m guilty of hoarding lentils and dried beans. I keep thinking I’m actually going to cook with them, but then I rarely do. I think it’s time that I actually tried.
Recently I made chili with various miscellaneous dried beans and all kinds of hamburger and turkey patties left over from the summer that we never got around to barbecuing, but which probably wouldn’t taste that good if I left them until the next barbecuing season. When you mash them all up, they’re pretty indistinguishable from ground beef. And my freezer looks a lot better without all those boxes.
Before we leave food, one other thought about saving money: My friend Tiffany from Don’t Waste the Crumbs has just created a new course on how to save money on groceries this year, and I’m really impressed with it! It’s all about how you can eat real food (in other words, not processed stuff), and it doesn’t have to be expensive.
The average person taking her course has reportedly saved about $180 in groceries each month. That’s amazing!
And she has three videos up that are absolutely free, along with worksheets and printables. So if you want to check out some free training on saving money with groceries, head on over to the Grocery Budget Bootcamp!
2. Use What You Have: Toiletries
My oldest daughter likes to say that the way you can tell a girl’s bathroom from a boy’s bathroom is the amount of product on the counter. Girls, she says, are incapable of having just one of anything.
Are you guilty of that? I know I can be. If I dig under my bathroom sink I’ll find half used cans of mousse, or conditioner, or foot cream. But honestly, most of those products are completely interchangeable, despite the brand.
My husband started consolidating things by taking all of our leftover sunscreen after the summer and pouring it into one bottle. I thought that was a good idea, so I’ve started doing it with moisturizer cream, too. Instead of lots of half-filled bottles, I’ve got one big one. And I won’t buy anything else until that big one is actually used!
And don’t even get me started about how much extra makeup I have…
If you have stuff under there that you bought at a Mary Kay party once or something, why not start using it? You’ll feel prettier, and you’ll get rid of clutter taking up space under your sink! Getting rid of stuff you don’t use brings peace–and space to organize again.
Before heading to the store this month, try the 'Use What You Have' month challenge!
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3. Use What You Have: Medications
I’m prone to periodic bouts of eczema, or just really itchy rashes. So a while ago when it flared up I bought a tube of hydrocortisone cream. After I had used it I had to figure out where to put it, since it’s not a normal medication. When it occurred to me which drawer it would most naturally fit in, I opened up that drawer only to find–two other tubes of hydrocortisone cream. I don’t know if I’m getting forgetful in my forties or what, but no one needs three tubes of hydrocortisone cream to deal with the occasional flare-up.
The solution? Have a central place in the house where all medications are kept. This was hard for me when the girls were living at home, because they had their own bathroom and would often stick medications in there, too. The solution I’ve come up with is to stop keeping medications in the bathrooms and start putting them in a central drawer in the kitchen. That way we won’t have three bottles of Advil floating around, or three tubes of hydrocortisone cream.
Do you often buy stuff because you can’t find what you already have? I’ve got a trick for finding things I thought I’d share. Usually when I’m looking for something I wrack my brain thinking, “where in the world did I put it?” And I try to remember back in time. I’ve since learned that a smarter question to ask is, “if I were going to put it away right now, where would I choose to put it?” And chances are that’s where it is! Instead of trying to remember, I just think logically about where I think it would belong. It often works!
4. Use What You Have: Gift Cards
Many of us receive different gift cards at Christmas. But do you necessarily need them all?
One neat thing Canadians can do with gift cards is to join CardSwap and then swap out your gift cards for things you really need. So if money is tight this month you may not need a gift card to Chapters (our equivalent of Barnes and Noble), but you may really need it for a drug store. So join CardSwap and consolidate your cards into one big one you’ll actually use.
I also find that the challenge with gift cards is that I have so many that they take up too much room in my wallet. But there are lots of apps now where you can enter your gift cards and then throw them out, so the gift card balances are on your phone. Or, alternatively, put all your gift cards alphabetically in a drawer, and take them out when you’re going shopping.
5. Use What You Have: Fun!
When you want something to do at night, what do you automatically turn to? Amazon movies on demand? iTunes? Even going out for ice cream (which we do often just because we’re bored, not because we necessarily need ice cream). Here’s a thought: why not save the $1 or $5 or whatever it would cost and instead play a board game? We’ve all got them stuffed in those cupboards, but they rarely come out. Let’s make it a habit to actually use what we buy, including our games, rather than turning to entertainment that doesn’t necessarily entertain–and that costs us money.
Or how about picking up that hobby you used to do that’s gone by the wayside? Maybe you started a knitting project or a cross-stitch. Why not get it out? Or, alternatively, actually read some of the books on your shelf. One of my challenges this year is to read a book a week. I think if I work through the “fun” that I’ve always planned to finish that’s already at home, I’ll have far less need to go out and spend money.
So I challenge you this month to use up what you actually have.
It will save us money, but more than that, it makes us think differently about how we use our money. When we throw it away carelessly, buying stuff we don’t really need, then we’re not being responsible or grateful for what we have. Actually using what’s in our house teaches us more about what we should be spending money on, and teaches us what we don’t really need!
Have you ever tried to Use What You Have to get you through a tough financial period? Let me know in the comments!
The post 5 Ways the Use What You Have Challenge Can Save You Money! appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.
January 2, 2017
Reader Question: My Husband Refuses to Talk About our Issues
It’s the New Year, and for the next few days I want to talk about how to get a fresh start in different areas of your life. Let’s start with having long overdue conversations.
I received a reader question this week from a woman whose husband’s view of sex is marred by prior porn use. She writes:
My husband and I both grew up in very conservative Mennonite communities. Nevertheless, my husband was still introduced to porn at a real young age.
We got married young and he knew all about sex due to porn but that’s all it’s ever been in our marriage. Sex. He doesn’t understand anything about foreplay, and while reading your blog post about the 10 ways porn can ruin a mind I saw our marriage and sex life in almost every point.
About 3 months ago he got tired of trying on his own to quit his porn addiction and accepted help from a friend. Now his good friend is his accountability partner and he’s only slipped up once or twice in 3 months. That is Amazing.
But on the other hand he won’t seek help with his misconceptions about sex. After sex he’s ready to roll over and sleep it all off, I’ve never climaxed and truth be told I’ve only been ‘turned on’ about twice in our marriage.
I’ve read some amazing books describing how sex is supposed to be in a Christian marriage and I’m willing to work on it but he isn’t. He thinks it should be something that comes to him naturally and is ashamed to ask questions.
I’m in a bind. I want to love sex. But I don’t know how to broach the subject of seeking help without him getting depressed about it.
At first glance, this question looks like it’s about sex. It’s actually not. It’s about how we, as wives, can get conversations going about important things when our husbands refuse to talk!
But nevertheless, let’s deal with the sex stuff first:
If your husband doesn’t understand about foreplay, it’s likely because his body just works so much differently than yours and he just honestly doesn’t get it. And because sex is all messed up in his brain because of the porn, it’s a source of stress, and that’s why he doesn’t want to talk about it.
So two quick suggestions: I’ve got a really funny video you can show him in this post on foreplay which can help the conversation. Sometimes humour can get things going, and this is seriously funny!
The second is to work through 31 Days to Great Sex with him. It’s a book I wrote where everyday has a new challenge. You just read and then you do what it says. And that often makes these conversations much easier. When you’re just doing what a book says, it doesn’t feel as vulnerable or scary. And some of the early challenges will help him to understand how to turn you on. Some of the later ones will help you talk about the effects that porn has had on how he sees sex, and how to help sex become more mutual. And the ebook version is only $4.99, so it’s a really cheap way to get things going!
But now I want to talk about the bigger issue that I see in this letter, one that applies to all of us, no matter what the issue is:
Why do we think that if a husband doesn’t want to talk about something, that it therefore won’t get talked about?
I see this dynamic a lot. A woman will want to talk about the finances in her marriage, and he’ll get upset and leave the room, and she’ll feel, “well, he refuses to talk about it, so there’s nothing I can do.”
Or, as in this case, a woman will bring something up, and he’ll get depressed, so she’ll back off, because she doesn’t want to cause discomfort.
Hold on a second.
If something is hurting your marriage, it matters.
If your husband wants to cut off a conversation about something, that does not mean that the conversation stops. It only stops if you let it stop.
And why do we let it stop?
Because ultimately we think that our experience in marriage does not matter as much as his.
Too often women think their own happiness in marriage doesn't matter at all.
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Please hear me on this: Precious readers, you matter.
If sex is painful and he doesn’t care, that matters.
If he is angry a lot and yells a lot, that matters.
If you don’t feel safe, that matters.
If he won’t let you know about your financial situation, that matters.
If you simply feel lonely, even if nothing tangible is really wrong, that still matters.
And do you know why it matters? Because you matter.
Jesus loves you. You are precious. And your husband is not more precious than you are.
Now, you aren’t more precious than your husband, either, but God does not want your husband to get all of his needs met and you to get none of yours met.
You matter to God. He sees and He cares.
So why don’t we have these important discussions when our husbands refuse to continue conversations?
Because too often we women don’t feel like we have a right to.
It’s as simple as that.
I’m not saying you should be rude and yell at him. Not at all! But when we understand that we matter, and that intimacy is only attainable when we both feel heard, understood, and accepted, then we won’t allow difficult conversations to be avoided.
Ask yourself: what is the most important thing here?
Yes, he will feel awkwardness and discomfort if you have this conversation. She says that she doesn’t know how to talk about it without him getting depressed. You’re right; he may initially feel depressed.
But why does him feeling depressed stop a conversation that is absolutely vital to have? Why do so many women decide, “it is better for me to have an incredible amount of pain than for him to have some minor pain”?
This is such a huge problem that I have seen over and over again in marriages, and it’s a large part of why I wrote 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage. About 3 chapters in the book are dedicated to this dynamic where women mistakenly believe that if there’s a problem, we need to fix it all by ourselves or learn to live with it. We try to be peacekeepers rather than peacemakers.
And then what happens?
When we allow him to refuse to talk about an important issue, we lose all hopes at true intimacy.
Here’s another dynamic I have seen: a woman has a legitimate issue in the marriage. If she raises it, he gets angry or depressed, so she backs off. She acts as if everything is all right, because this is her way of respecting and loving him.
He enjoys the marriage because he gets what he wants. But then something happens. The happier he gets, the more resentful she gets. She knows that he doesn’t know her heart. She knows that his happiness is based on a lie.
Outwardly everything is great. But inwardly, she’s becoming more and more miserable. One day that misery will turn into real anger. How could he not love her enough to want to know the real her?
But how did this all get started? Because at the very beginning, she allowed her own feelings to be overlooked.
And so let me say this, loud and clear this morning:
It’s not just about his refusal to talk; it’s also about how we respond to that.
I have known several marriages where the husband walked all over the wife and where the wife was very miserable. Then the wife died, and the husband remarried. And within 6 months the husband had quit drinking, lost some weight, stopped swearing, and had generally become a more pleasant person. In many cases the kids were really resentful: why would Dad clean himself up for her, but not for Mom, who stood by him for so many years?
But the answer is quite simple. The new wife knew what she was worth, and wouldn’t put up with that kind of behaviour.
That’s much easier to do when you’re older (as these new wives were) and much harder when you’re younger. And too often in those first few years of marriage we start really bad patterns of communication that affect the next few decades of our lives. So let’s get this right!
A better way: How to have those difficult conversations, even when he refuses to talk
If your husband refuses to talk about an important issue, here's how to start that conversation.
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This New Years, maybe it’s time to start having some of those difficult conversations. Maybe it’s time to reverse some very negative patterns of interaction that can easily lead to resentment, bitterness, and a loss of intimacy. Maybe it’s time to fight for your marriage!
So pray and ask God to help you to see your husband’s heart and what the issues really are. Help him to prepare your heart and to see yourself with God’s eyes. And then you can say something like this (using the letter writer’s scenario as an example):
I can see that talking about this is making you uncomfortable, and I don’t want you to be sad. But you know what I want more? I want us to feel alive and close and madly in love! I want us to have everything that God wants for our marriage, because I love you so much that I refuse to settle for less.
So if you don’t want to talk about this now, that’s okay. We won’t. But this isn’t going away. And if we don’t talk about it now, we’ll have to talk about it tomorrow, or the day after that. Because it’s important. Our marriage is too important to NOT talk about it.
I love you. I want to have amazing sex with you. I want to feel real passion. But I don’t right now, because I think we’re missing out on the way it’s supposed to be. Sex is supposed to be about us both feeling amazing and feeling love, and right now, I have to tell you, it just feels like I’m being used. And I’m not willing to just be used. I think that will make me resentful in the long run, and it won’t help you to feel loved either.
So I want to make love with you. I want to have tons of sex with you. But I will only do that if we talk about this first and start looking into how to make me feel good. I will no longer have sex again with you until we talk about this. It’s too important, and I’m going to fight for this, because we matter–us together.
And then you follow through.
This New Year, maybe it’s time to break that silence and have some uncomfortable conversations.
Fight for your marriage, because, dear reader: You matter.
Please note: if having this kind of conversation could cause you to become unsafe, and if you’re honestly scared of your husband, then you are likely in an abusive marriage and you need to get help. If you feel as if your safety is at risk, please call the police or a local abuse hotline. If you feel as if your husband will get angry or emotionally abuse you, please seek out a good counsellor to help you through confronting him and having these difficult conversations, and perhaps start with this post on emotionally destructive marriages.
Let me know in the comments: Have you ever had to have a difficult conversation? What happened?
The post Reader Question: My Husband Refuses to Talk About our Issues appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.
December 30, 2016
The Top 10 Posts of 2016!
My oldest daughter graduated from university this year, and now she’s working for me. My husband is also working on the blog these days–and it’s been great to allow him to get more involved in my ministry. My mom also moved in with us this summer, and we took our first big trip as a family with my son-in-law.
It was a fun year for us.
So today I thought I’d round up the top 10 posts from 2016 on To Love, Honor and Vacuum to give you a snapshot of what this year’s been like on the blog. First, though, let’s do the top 5 posts from all time that were popular this year:
Top 5 Posts From All Time of 2016
1: How to Initiate Sex with Your Husband
Have you found that your marriage has gotten into a rut where he wants sex more than you do, so he’s always asking for it and you just never seem to initiate? You’re not alone–this was the most popular post of over 2,000 posts I’ve written this year.
Initiating sex is one of the best ways to tell your husband, “I love you, I want you, and I think you’re the greatest man alive.” It makes him feel ten feet tall, and is so important for keeping a marriage healthy. So check out my top 10 tips for how to initiate sex with your hubby!
2: The Effects of Porn on Your Brain and Your Marriage
Pornography use is becoming more and more common, and it’s bringing hurt and destruction wherever it goes. It’s tragic that it’s also a really huge problem among married Christian couples, too. But one of the biggest weapons porn has in many marriages is a misunderstanding of its effects. Media and the secular world tell us, “It’s harmless!” but is that really true? Read about the effects of porn here.
3: The 50 Most Important Bible Verses to Memorize
This post consistently is one of my most popular. If you’re looking to revitalize your spiritual life and get back on track with studying God’s Word this new year, this is a great place to start. Also, it’s easy to get the whole family involved since there’s a free printable so you can make your own Bible verse flashcards and test each other around the dinner table or even waiting in line at the grocery store. Check them out here.
4: Two-Player Board Games to Play With Your Husband
I love this post, mostly because Keith and I are crazy about board games. He actually bought me a two-player version of my favourite game to play with the family, since all the kids are moved out now. So I don’t have to wait until everyone’s home anymore to play, since Keith and I can just pull out the two-player version! Such a great present. If you’re looking to have more quality time with your husband this New Year, or to spend less time staring at a screen, make sure to check out these two-player board game ideas. They’re a ton of fun.
5: Why I Didn’t Rebel – by Rebecca Gregoire (Lindenbach)
Almost 3 years ago now, my daughter Rebecca wrote a guest post for me on why she didn’t rebel as a teenager. And it blew up. In fact, she even got a book deal out of it and just submitted her final copy of the manuscript (woohoo!). And it’s stayed really popular even three years after the original post! It’s been amazing to see how many parents have been encouraged by her story, showing that teenagers really don’t have to go off the rails. Check out Rebecca’s post!
Now let’s get to 2016!
The Top 10 Posts of 2016
1: Top 10 Things that Scare Me About Purity Culture
Does the purity culture movement do more harm than good? I’m not talking about the belief that sex before marriage is wrong–that’s Biblical and just basic Christian morality. But the extra rules and cultural beliefs that surround purity culture can be troubling. Such as calling girls who lost their virginity “stained napkins.” Have we, in efforts to spare girls and boys from the pain that comes with premarital sex, swung the pendulum too far? Some thoughts on that.
2: Top 10 Things to Do For Your Husband in Only 10 Minutes
Are you looking for easy ways to make your marriage better, or to make your husband feel loved? Here are some great ideas of ways to make him feel valued and treasured that take less than 10 minutes! These are great habits to start in the new year.
3: 50 Conversation Starters for Couples
Tired of sitting across the dinner table without anything to say? Why not resolve this year to work on communication between you and your husband? These conversation starters are a great place to start, because they focus on sharing memories, stories, and getting to deeper levels of communication. Plus, there’s a free printout of them all so you don’t have to sit around the computer or rely on your memory!
4: Top 10 Signals for Sex
Looking for some ways to spice up your marriage? Here are some great and flirty ways to let your husband know he’s getting lucky tonight!
5: List of Hobbies to Start as a Couple
If you’re looking to start having more fun together as a couple, this is a great place to start. I’ve compiled a giant list of hobbies that are great to do together to really foster your friendship with your spouse. Plus, as always, there’s a free printout of this resource so you can brainstorm with him over dinner sometime!
6: If I get divorced, will I lose my salvation?
I received a reader question that revolved around the question, “Will I lose my salvation if I divorce my husband after I’ve fallen out of love with him?”
And I was blunt. Because too often we put our own feelings above what is right, what is holy, or what is just. And that is the opposite of what God calls us to.
(note: this article was written solely for women not in abusive marriages. I have written many articles on abuse, and this one is not at all applicable to those horrible situations.)
7: 10 Simple Ways to Put Sexy Back in Your Marriage
Is your marriage feeling a bit “blah” lately? Here are some great ways to make your marriage sizzle with some simple ideas that are easy to implement in your day-to-day life!
8: What to Do When Your Husband Won’t Change
Have you been asking your husband for years to help with housework, or to help more with the kids? What if there’s something that’s been an issue for a long time, but he won’t seem to listen, or take the initiative to fix it? Here is some guidance to handle these difficult situations.
9: How to Become More Orgasmic
If you want to have more regular orgasms, you’ve come to the right place! There are a lot of misconceptions about the female orgasm, mixed with a general lack of knowledge. Men seem to have it so easy–why is it so hard for us?
Here are some tips and tricks to help you become more orgasmic!
10: 10 Signs You’re Respecting Your Husband Too Much
Can we sometimes fall into a negative loop of enabling behaviour in the name of respect? Do we really understand what it means to respect and love our husbands while also setting boundaries? This post went crazy in the comments–and I loved the discussion that came out of it! We need to stop allowing marriages to become sick because we’re silencing half of the conversation. We need to be willing, as wives, to stand up for what’s right, even if it means standing up against our husbands’ behaviour so we can stand for what God wants for our marriages.
Thank you for such a wonderful year here on the blog. I can’t wait to see where 2017 takes us!
Do you have a favourite blog post from this year? Or are there topics you want to read more about in the New Year? Let me know in the comments below!
What’s #1 at To Love, Honor and Vacuum?
With all of our Top posts of the year already being listed above (which you should definitely go through!), here are a few of the #2’s that might also catch you attention! There are some great tips and reflections here as we enter the new year!
#1 Post on the Blog: Please Don’t Resolve To Lose Weight This New Year’s
#2 on the Blog Overall: Top 10 Wedding Night Tips
#2 from Facebook: When Waiting Is Hard
#2 from Pinterest: Top 10 Tips For Initiating Sex With Your Husband
I’m Thinking About My One “Word” for 2017
For the last few years I’ve really focused on my ministry, and I’ve had words like “focus” and “balance” and “purpose”.
I’m thinking of spending most of my emotional energy cocooning a little more this year. I’m thinking my word might simply be “love”–loving my husband more, spending more time with my kids, revitalizing some friendships. Not that I’ll neglect the ministry; only that it’s grown, and I think I need to nurture relationships more. Or perhaps my word will be “prayer”, because I feel like God is calling me to understand the work that He does more.
Do you have a word you’re thinking of for 2017? I’d love to talk about it in the comments!
Happy New Year, everyone!
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December 29, 2016
Please Don’t Resolve to Lose Weight This New Year’s
And this desire to “lose weight” too often manifests itself in this attitude where food and your body are the enemy, and you have to defeat them.
That’s depressing. That’s a losing game. And it’s really unhealthy.
I also think it’s demeaning. It’s like we women don’t think we’re worth much if we put on extra pounds. And so we have to go back to some magical number on the scale that we may have hit back when we were 17, as if the pinnacle of our lives was before we had kids, before we matured, before we were actually, you know, women.
To tell you the truth, I’d rather be in pyjamas right now still on vacation. I was originally going to take a break from this blog until January 2, because I really wanted some time off.
But something’s happening right now that I just had to tell you about because it’s so important, and it transformed my life. And I just don’t want you all to miss it.
I used to vow to lose weight every New Year’s. I didn’t have a lot to lose, mind you, but I spend my 30s creeping up by a few pounds a year, which, after 10 years, can easily be 25 pounds. And I had to lose it. I tried to exercise. As I explained in this post, I tried to count Weight Watchers points and save up so that I could have the occasional piece of chocolate cake. And my weight kept going up, and I kept feeling awful about myself.
I also thought all those people who bought food from the organic section of the supermarket were rather ridiculous health nuts. They were going overboard on stuff that didn’t really matter.
And then my stomach pains started, and my periods got so bad I actually ended up needing surgery.
Around that time I started learning about the Ultimate Bundles people–people who are now my friends.
Ryan and Stephanie Langford started them, and their goal was to gather the absolute BEST online materials on different subjects, and then offer them all together for a five day period for a ridiculously low price. Plus they’d get businesses to offer physical bonuses! It was a way to help online entrepreneurs (like me) who create products get a bigger audience, but also a way to give consumers an incredible deal.
Because most of these bundles are worth about $2000, but they sell them for $29.97.
One of those bundles was the Ultimate Healthy Living Bundle. It’s offered every year (though the resources in it change completely each year), and I bought my first one four years ago. It changed everything.
I learned that the reason that I’ve been having trouble losing weight is that I’ve been focusing on losing weight.
I’ve been focusing on depriving my body, rather than focusing on giving my body what it needs, and NOT giving my body what it doesn’t need. I learned that my body actually needs certain fats (olive oil, nuts, avocadoes, coconut, fish, etc.), and that low-fat foods (like low-fat dairy) are actually bad for you. I learned that the problem with weight is not so much calories themselves as where you get those calories from.
Too often we put things inside our bodies that our bodies can’t process properly. Take preservatives, for instance. They are an absolutely amazing invention. I am completely pro-preservative, because it allowed people to have a steady food supply even in winter. It allows us to get food to people who would otherwise starve. Preservatives allow people short on food to actually get food.
But that’s where the benefit stops. If your biggest problem is no longer lack of food, then preservatives become the enemy. Here’s why. Preservatives stop bacteria from breaking down food, so that it doesn’t spoil and it lasts longer. So far, so good. But how does our body get nutrition from food? Bacteria breaks it down. When your body is trying to process food with preservatives, it doesn’t know what to do and it can’t get the nutrition properly. So it just stores it as fat. And you get very little nutrition from it.
I learned that most of my stomach problems were caused from eating at restaurants and from eating canned goods. So I simply switched to real foods, and stopped eating preservatives and stopped going to restaurants so much, and my weight dropped overnight without me trying to deprive myself.
And I learned about the benefits of essential oils, too!
I love them. I clean with them. I set up my aromatherapy machine with them.
Every year the Ultimate Healthy Living Bundle is available, and every year it has completely different resources in it. This year the bundle had all kinds of amazing courses that taught me about the role that hormones play in our libido and in our digestion and in our health, stuff that I had never understood before. I learned that a lot of anxiety can actually be managed by diet (not that people shouldn’t be on antidepressants if they need them, mind you!). I learned how to get better skin.
It’s the absolute BEST collection I’ve ever seen. It was available in September for five days, and I sent out some emails about it.
But it’s back today for a flash sale. It’s gone tonight at midnight.
And so I decided that despite the Christmas holidays and despite my urge to be in pyjamas, I would tell you about it before it’s gone.
Because it really did change my life, and it changed my whole focus on weight to something that is so much emotionally healthier and more manageable.
The neat thing about the flash sale is that when you buy the Healthy Living Bundle for $29.97, you get the opportunity to ALSO add the Essential Oils Super Bundle for just $15. So for $45 you can get about $3000 worth of ebooks and ecourses on healthy living and essential oils, plus about $250 in physical bonuses that can come right to your door.
Seriously, there is so much to love in this bundle! The vast majority of it is digital products (like ebooks, printables and courses) that you can access right away, but look at what is delivered right to your door:
Green Kid Crafts – FREE craft box ($19.95 value)
Perfect Supplements – $15 gift certificate toward any Perfect Brand product ($15 value)
TriLight Health – $15 off select TriLight products ($15 value)
MadeOn Skin Care – FREE BeeCool Muscle Balm Stick and Natural Lip Balm Combo (value $15.25)
The Maca Team – FREE Organic Gelatinized Yellow Maca Powder, 8 oz. ($15.44 value)
Get Kombucha – FREE 2-week supply (15 ml) of Kombucha Pro: Liquid Probiotics (value $29.99) OR FREE 1-ounce bag of Custom Organic Kombucha Tea Blend (value $16.99)
Orglamix – FREE Mineral Eye Shadow Trio ($18 value)
Grove Co. – FREE Seventh Generation Laundry Detergent, Fabric Softener and stain remover, 60 Day VIP Trial, and FREE shipping with a $20 minimum purchase for new customers ($32.66 value) OR a FREE 1-year VIP Membership for existing customers ($39.95 value)
Meal Garden – 6 months of Meal Garden FREE (value $35.70)
This is how I think about it: I get $30 of probiotics and $33 worth of laundry detergent, which in and of itself pays for both the essential oils and healthy living bundles.
Plus I also get all these resources:
Some of my favourite ones are in the women’s health department. When the bundle was for sale in September, I actually bought 6 myself to give to the people who work for me, my sister-in-law, and my daughters, just because of the Perfect Periods ecourse, which is amazing:
I took it and it had this self-assessment which correctly diagnosed my liver issues and my hormone issues, and then told me what to do (and I feel so much better!).
Of course, there’s more than just the Perfect Periods ecourse, but that course normally sells for $297. Yep, you read that right. Almost $300 (there’s a LOT of information), but just today it’s part of the bundle, and you get it plus everything else for just $29.97.
And that everything else includes meal plans, books on how to get kids to eat healthy, courses on how to exercise at home, alternative health, how to use essential oils, and so much more!
But the flash sale is over today, and then this combination of products will never be offered together again like this. The only reason they’re able to offer $2400 worth of stuff for $29.97 is because it’s for such a limited time.
And I didn’t want you to miss it, because this is probably the thing that has changed my attitude towards my body the most over the last decade, and has even helped me understand my libido fluctuations more.
So don’t miss it! If you want to make a New Year’s Resolution about your weight, how about trying this instead?
This New Year’s, I will learn about health. I will read a few books and take a few courses and just change a very few things, and I will see what happens.
That’s more manageable. That doesn’t make you feel like you’re inadequate or that you were better when you were 17. That’s empowering. And that’s the way to make real change!
The post Please Don’t Resolve to Lose Weight This New Year’s appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.
December 28, 2016
How to Recover from the Best Christmas Ever
On paper it may not seem that way. I had to make a big Christmas dinner three times. Plus we had other friends in that I had to feed.
We must have run back and forth to the grocery store at least a dozen times in the days leading up to Christmas!
And yet, I think it was one of the best Christmases ever.
On the actual day we all got up when we wanted to, opened presents, then shared a lovely leisurely breakfast and played board games all day. We initially decided we weren’t going to get dressed all day, but I caved since I really wanted a shower. Becca and Keith stayed in their pyjamas all day, though!
On Christmas Eve we opened our “family gift” which was a big bag of goodies I wrapped for us to enjoy. Everyone got a new pair of pyjamas, and then there were some chocolates, and then the board game Pandemic. I’ve been told it’s wonderful, and I’ve talked about it in my posts on board games, but it was one game we’d never actually played. So I was excited to try it out! It’s a cooperative game (you all win or lose together) and it was really fun!
Later in the day I enjoyed a lovely walk with my youngest daughter Katie where we talked about the future, and faith, and hope.
(P.S.: See that purple Christmas tree skirt with the gold trim? I knitted it this year!)
And we ate lots of chocolate!
Our gifts were unique this year, too. When my mom was moving in to our house last summer, I helped her sort out a ton of stuff. And I noticed that she was really agitated every time I told her she didn’t actually need to keep an Air Canada boarding pass from 1998. I finally figured out what was bugging her about it–she was afraid she’d never know the dates when she went to things. So for Christmas I made her a PowerPoint presentation and Excel spreadsheet of everything she’s done that I could find since she beat cancer 28 years ago.
She loved it!
And the best part? It doesn’t take up any room in our house!
We’re big on “different” presents in our house, and my son-in-law fits in well there. It’s a running joke how Rebecca (my married oldest daughter) steals all the blankets, so Connor bought her these pillows for Christmas:
I also hosted dinners for both sides of our family, and they went really well, too.
On the 26th, while we were all sitting around the table, I asked everyone to share the best highlight of 2016. And when it came to my turn, I thought about our Baltic cruise and standing in front of Rembrandt’s painting of The Return of the Prodigal Son in the Hermitage in St. Petersburg. I thought about our 25th anniversary party. I thought about some of our trips in the RV, which have been so much fun.
But I chose to say Christmas. Our family has found a new “feel” that we’re comfortable with, after my daughter has been married for a year and a half now, and it was good.
It really was.
I hope your Christmas was wonderful, too! I’ve been enjoying some days away from the computer, and I’m just getting back into things now. Yesterday we went shopping in Toronto to the discount street, and the girls bought some amazing clothes. I expanded my capsule wardrobe I’ve been working on by shopping for my new neutrals (grey and brown) and getting rid of black! Lots of fun. Plus I bought a new jacket to speak in.
And today work begins again.
But one thing that really struck me was this: I knew what I wanted Christmas to be like.
I knew I wanted a “down day” when we all relaxed and played games. I knew I wanted dinner with my extended family to be about family and have some good conversations. I knew I wanted time to have fun with the kids.
And so I let everyone know early, so they could plan for it. And I made sure that this was the priority in my schedule.
I didn’t used to do that. If I wanted something, I didn’t necessarily work to make it happen. I would dream about it and read about it, but I wouldn’t do anything. And then I’d be disappointed.
I’m getting too old for that. I’m in my mid-40s now, and I’ve realized that if there are things I want in my life, I need to be the instigator for that. I’ve spent too long moping and being disappointed and feeling like I haven’t met my goals. People who feel at peace are those who have goals that are attainable, and who do what they can to meet those goals–they don’t just wish it.
We had some disappointing news in our close circle over Christmas, too, and I’m deep in prayer for a certain situation and looking at how Keith and I can help. I truly believe that God can change the hearts of those who are fully submitted to Him, and I guess I need to know that that can happen in this situation. I’m just not willing to sit back and see what happens. We’re really praying about how we can get involved and fight for something we love and believe in.
Last night Keith was snoring and I went into another room to sleep. It was cold in that room, so I huddled under a ton of covers. At 1:30 this morning I woke up in a huge lake of sweat. I don’t know if it was the fact that I put too many blankets on me, or if menopause is finally starting. But it was really weird. And by that time Keith had stopped snoring so I changed pjs and crawled back into the dry bed.
But it’s reminding me again: time passes. Life goes on. And we can’t just WAIT for things to happen.
Sometimes there is nothing we can do. I have that in another area of my life–I’m really waiting on God for something. But I’m still praying and I’m still working through my own issues about why it is that I’m so emotionally invested in that.
But for many things in life there IS something we can do. And we take the easy way out by dreaming about it and praying about it but also doing nothing.
If you want your life to change, then usually you have to do something.
With the new year almost upon us, now is a good time to start asking: what is it that I’m wanting? And how can I get there?
I talk to so many women on this blog whose lives are difficult and there are no easy answers as their lives are right now. But then maybe it’s time for a change! If shift work is killing your marriage, make a long term plan where you don’t need to work shift work anymore. If living apart for work is killing your marriage, then downsize. Change your expectations. Make a new plan! If exhaustion is overwhelming you, cut things out of your schedule. Get healthy. Do some things that rejuvenate you.
I’ve had a great Christmas. I hope you have, too. But Christmas has that wonderful ability to clarify what it is that we really want for our lives. I think we’re able to hear God’s voice better, and He starts pointing to where we need to go.
Will you follow?
I want to talk about that in different ways over the next week and a half. I have some neat things to share with you! But for today, as you resume life after the Christmas break, I hope that you catch a new vision for peace!
If one of the things that you’ve been feeling is that you want to get healthier, then I do have something exciting to tell you about!
The Ultimate Healthy Living Bundle is on a flash sale right now until midnight tomorrow night! It’s 83 resources worth about $2000 for just $29.97! And there are even PHYSICAL bonuses that come right to your door–including all natural laundry detergent, herbs, kombucha starter, and so much more.
I’ve been plowing through the ebooks since I bought the bundle when it was first for sale for five days in the fall, and it’s helped me understand hormones so much more and how they impact our libido. And it’s helped me understand why my energy levels have been so off. What I’m learning is that traditional ways of losing weight are just so counterproductive. And often the problem is not just WHAT we eat, but WHEN and with what other combinations of foods. Counting calories does very little, because often we starve our bodies of the nutrients we need. Treating food like something that fuels our bodies, rather than as the enemy, is so much better!
Anyway, I’m really passionate about this, and when I started getting serious about my health, and stopped just wishing for something to magically happen, I started to feel a lot better. And now that I’m starting menopause, I need to learn even more. So do check it out–because it’s gone tomorrow night at midnight forever!
The post How to Recover from the Best Christmas Ever appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.
December 23, 2016
Our Ugly Christmas Tree
Hello everyone! This article was first posted five years ago, but I wanted to share it again with you today! Christmas is just around the corner and Katie, Becca and Connor are coming home for the holidays this week. I want to have lots of time to spend with them, so I’m going to be posting some of my favourite Christmas columns from the past this week so you’ll still get fresh content but I’ll have more time to spend with family. Enjoy!
When I was in Canadian Tire a while ago I saw an absolutely stunning Christmas tree.
It was decorated in silver bows and balls with purple accents. It was my tree.
Such a tree, however, will never grace my living room. No matter how much I want a purple and silver one, I have too many other decorations that render a consistent colour scheme impossible. I have a family Christmas tree.
First comes the gold heart embossed with “Keith and Sheila, 1991” that we received at our wedding. Then there are all the Christmas decorations we made as children which our parents thoughtfully gave us our first Christmas together (were they trying to get rid of them, I wonder?). There’s the canvas stitched candy cane Keith made, and the decorated styrofoam balls I did. Other decorations full of childhood memories hang beside them, like the angel candle holders that were on my Baby Jesus birthday cake when I was six.
And now, of course, we have added our children’s decorations.
At first they were fairly innocuous ones, like “Baby’s First Christmas”. They have since become more ambitious. One year the girls and I made dough Christmas shapes and then glued little pictures to them. Katie, who is living proof that you can survive your second year of life eating only dried play dough (believe me, it wasn’t my choice), actually left nibble marks in some as she tried to eat them, too, despite the salt content. Add the decorations the girls make at Sunday school out of little paper doilies, and there’s no room for those classy purple balls.
Our lives are very much like these Christmas trees.
We spend so much effort trying to have the perfectly decorated life, with the right kids, the right jobs, and the right promotions. But it can be exhausting to live that way. Our work is never done. We’re always on the go, and when we do sit down it’s only to plan how to drive our kids to more lessons, run some more errands or throw on yet another load of laundry before we make dinner.
The family Christmas tree, with all its imperfections, is better because it is uniquely us.
Anybody can have a perfectly purple Christmas tree. Not everyone can have the one decorated with your own white doily angels and pipe cleaner reindeer. Christmas anchors us and reminds us of whose we are and of what’s important.
A sign I saw at Majestic Dry Cleaners recently read, “If you don’t know where you’re going, any road will get you there”. Many of us are stuck on some sideroad of endless errands and work because we need a road map to get us home, a map that can only come by slowing down and reflecting, if just for a little while. With the busyness of life, we often ignore our spiritual side, never taking time to think about life, death, parenting or our purpose on this earth. Christmas can be our roadmap, a time to take stock of our lives and consider if we’re heading in the right direction.
Whatever your spiritual background is, the challenge is the same: let’s take the time during the holidays to honour it.
At my house this week, we’ll have a “Baby Jesus Birthday Cake” (chocolate, of course), to remind us that Christmas is when the all-powerful God became as helpless as a baby so he could live among us and die for us, so we could live forever with him. I don’t want that just to be my Christmas message; I want to live it through the rest of the year. But if I don’t take the chance now to see whether my daily life reflects my spiritual priorities, I may not have time once the daily grind starts anew.
I will gladly take my Baby Jesus birthday cake angels and little dough hearts over purple balls any day. That’s who I am, and who I want to be. Christmas is one of the few times of year when we can contemplate life without someone telling us to move on to the next task. Let’s make sure that this year, we take advantage of the opportunity.
Merry Christmas, everybody!
What’s #1 at To Love, Honor and Vacuum?
Family is an important thing to celebrate during the Christmas holiday. Spend time with your kids and husband, make every moment count–whether it is reminding your kids how much you love them or spending a little extra intimate time with your hubby.
#1 Post on the Blog: Christmas Letter To An Adult Child
#1 on the Blog Overall: Top 10 Wedding Night Tips
#2 from Facebook: The Day We Should Have Fought–But We Didn’t
#2 from Pinterest: Sexy Stocking Stuffers For Your Husband
Merry Christmas, Everybody!
I’m so enjoying my kids being home! But I want to wish you all an incredibly happy and warm Christmas with your families.May the peace that Jesus brings emanate through your family, and may you feel close to your husband and enjoy him this Christmas season.
The post Our Ugly Christmas Tree appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.
