Sheila Wray Gregoire's Blog, page 134
May 3, 2017
3 Key Things to Pray Over Your Sex Life
And are you praying selflessly? It may seem strange to pray about sex, but I have to ask–why? Sex is the peak of intimacy, and a gift God designed for you and your husband–what better thing is there to pray for your marriage than an awesome sex life?
Every Wednesday for nine years here on this blog we’ve talked about marriage. But in all that time I don’t think I’ve ever really talked about what to pray specifically for sex in your marriage. So today, for Wifey Wednesday, I’m happy to introduce Donna Mott who has written an awesome post about the 3 simple, but key, things she prays over sex in her marriage. Love what she says!
Here’s Donna:
For most who will be honest, if you have a rocky marriage, sex is the last thing on your mind. Therefore, whether your marital problems started with sex or not, it becomes a big issue or rather the “not having it” becomes the issue adding to marital turmoil.
In my past, I was mistreated and told that a true woman pleases her man sexually no matter how depraved his request may be. There have also been times when I was that woman that used sex as punishment or reward. I’ve also been through the deep pain of divorce. I am happily remarried now. I want to learn from my past and not make the same mistakes. I want to change unhealthy attitudes I have had about intimacy. I also have a very strong belief in the absolute power of prayer. I thought I would share three simple things that I pray over sex in my marriage.
1. I pray for a fulfilling sex life for both my husband and myself.
We all form relationships that are need fulfilling, both emotionally and physically. I want my physical relationship with my husband to be just as strong as our emotional relationship. And when you think about it, you can’t honestly have one without the other. I pray that I can be fulfilling to my husband, that he can turn to me and we can find delight in each other.
Kiss me and kiss me again, for your love is sweeter than wine. Song of Solomon 1:2
2. I pray that my husband will always have a desire for me.
I can’t tell you how I have nearly caused permanent damage rolling my eyes in the back of my head from hearing some women complaining how their husbands are always wanting to have sex. And perhaps I’ve nearly given myself a mild stroke when I have heard them say that the reply to their husband was to stop asking because they just got it last week. I want my husband to desire me, want me, be close to me. How is him wanting you and turned on by you a bad thing?
Do not withhold good from those to whom it is due, when it is in your power to act. Proverbs 5:27
3. Finally, I pray that I will always have a desire for my husband.
I find my husband incredibly attractive not just his outward appearance but I find his character, his heart super sexy. I really have to try to resist the urge to climb on him all the time. And you know what? I honestly pray that this deep desire and attraction for him will never stop.
His mouth is sweetness itself; he is desirable in every way. Such, O women of Jerusalem, is my lover, my friend. Song of Solomon 5:16
God wants your marriage to succeed. He designed marriage for enjoyment, to create life, and as an example of Christ and the church to bring glory to His name. The bible is not mute about prayer or sex. Both are integral in marriage. Both cultivate intimacy. Why would we not pray about it?
I tell you, you can pray for anything, and if you believe that you’ve received it, it will be yours. Mark 11:24
If God sees that my spiritual life will be furthered by giving the things for which I ask, then He will give them, but that is not the end of prayer. The end of prayer is that I come to know God Himself.” – Oswald Chambers
Donna Mott shares about her blended family and faith at Families Unbroken. She has written numerous articles and has been featured on sites such as Unveiled Wife, Her View From Home, First Magazine for Women, Huffington Post, TheMighty.com, South Africa’s All4Women, and more. In February 2015, her youngest son at age 10 had brain surgery for Chiari Malformation. She is now passionately spreading awareness of this incurable brain condition as well as the absolute love, grace, and faithfulness of Jesus.The post 3 Key Things to Pray Over Your Sex Life appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.
May 2, 2017
Top 10 Principles for Splitting Household Chores with Your Husband
Yesterday I tried to answer a question from a woman who is frustrated with always having to pick up her husband’s clothes, which he would leave scattered AROUND the hamper rather than IN the hamper.
They both worked, and it didn’t seem fair that she should have to always clean up after him. She was starting to feel like his maid.
So I thought today that I would explore this further for Top 10 Tuesday, with ten principles for dividing household chores.
Whether you work outside the house or not, this is a discussion that every couple needs to have.
10 tips for splitting household chores with your spouse--so that no one feels taken for granted!Click To Tweet
1. Specialization is a huge benefit in marriage
I once knew a couple that believed in splitting money 50/50. So when they got together, they each paid for 50% of the expenses. Then, when they had a baby, she had to get her mom to baby-sit so that she could go back to work and still earn enough money to pay for 50% of the income. That would only be “fair”.
Or it would be insane, in my opinion.
One of the benefits of marriage is that you can each do what you’re best at, and you can reap the benefits of specialization.
Here’s how that works: the person who can find work the easiest and earn the most money can work full time, while the other person can be flexible and arrange his or her job or housework or anything around the earning spouse’s job. Or, in other areas, the person who enjoys numbers and Excel spreadsheets the most can handle the finances. It’s very hard for you each to handle 50% of the finances; it makes far more sense for one person to handle them while the other does something else. My husband’s allergic to grass, so he’s never been able to cut the lawn. But he’s great at numbers!
A household will run more efficiently, and everybody will be happier, if people are able to do what they’re best at and what they prefer. My husband hates laundry, so he doesn’t do laundry. I hate trash, so I’ve never done the trash. When we got married, we each declared what we absolutely hated, and the other person took on that task. It’s much more fun than demanding that each person has to do 50/50!
2. Child Care MUST be shared
While you can specialize and allocate jobs based on people’s skills, preferences, and time, childcare should never go to just one parent. While one person may do the majority of it, the other parent simply must be involved as much as is possible, because children aren’t a task to be split.
So just because one spouse may do paid work while the other does the childcare does not mean that the spouse who works outside the home doesn’t have to do the bedtime routines. Kids need both parents. Full stop.
3. Gender stereotypes don’t need to matter
My husband is a pediatrician, and he works in a department with seven female physicians. Several of them are the main breadwinners in their families, while their husbands stays home with the kids.
As a couple, you get to decide what works best for your family. There is no one-size-fits-all. The main questions are: Are your children secure and well cared for? Do you feel like you have time as a couple? Do both of you feel valued and respected? If that is true, then who does what should not be as important.
And that applies to other chores, too. Men do not need to be the ones to do the finances. Women do not need to do the cooking. You can each choose what you like the best and what you’re best at.
4. Trying to be fair when splitting housework will always backfire
Don’t try to divide chores 50/50. And there are two ways we do this: either we try to divide EACH chore 50/50 (you make half the meals; I wash half the dishes; we take out the garbage every other week), or we try to each work 50% of the time.
But as soon as we start trying to quantify things we open ourselves up for silly fights. How do you classify reading to your children? Is that work, or not? What about having a heart-to-heart with your 4-year-old? Work? Or good for the soul?
What if he works full time and you’re with the kids, but you think his job is “fun” because it’s exciting and he gets a lot of time to himself? Is that as demanding as your time with the kids, even if you get to nap in the afternoon?
If you’re expecting your spouse to do his share, then you’re always looking at him asking if he’s living up to his end of the bargain. That’s a recipe for constant resentment. I think we should each put our all into a marriage–100-100. That’s the model.
5. Everybody needs to know HOW to do every household chore
Even if you do divide up chores, everyone should know how to do all chores, because sometimes life will kick in and you’ll have to pick up your spouse’s slack. If he does the finances, you still need to know where to locate your insurance documents, banking documents, credit cards, and wills. He should still know how to make a few meals. I’ve seen couples in their later years run into major trouble because their entire marriage they never did certain things, and then when they lose their spouse, either to death or to a temporary illness, the tragedy is made that much worse.
6. Good enough is good enough
As I wrote in To Love, Honor and Vacuum, some men wouldn’t notice a dust bunny unless it obstructed their view of the television. And I told of one woman who was so sick of doing the dishes she steamed and fumed and decided she would just leave them until he did them.
What's To Love, Honor and Vacuum--the book?
Do you feel more like a maid than a wife and a mother?I get it! And I have the solution.
To Love, Honor and Vacuum looks at how we can figure out what our priorities are and live them out–in our relationships and in our housework–so that everybody feels respected.
Super practical in terms of how to get housework done, but also practical in terms of how to involve your kids and how to negotiate things with your husband
If you feel chaotic and taken for granted, this can help.
There was only one problem. Her husband, before he married, liked to use every dish in the house before doing dishes. Having dishes on the counter didn’t punish him. He honestly couldn’t care less. So she was only punishing herself.
If we’re going to assign household chores, we have to allow the other person to have equal input on what completing that chore means. To me, for instance, “taking out the trash” means cutting up all the cardboard boxes and putting them in recycling so they don’t build up in the garage. To Keith, it’s perfectly acceptable to leave those boxes there for a few months until there’s a huge pile, and then tackle them.
Now, I could make a big stink about that, because he’s not doing it my way. But the trash is Keith’s purview. And so he’s allowed to decide what’s “good enough”.
7. Everybody needs a break
We all need time to take a mental break, when we have no responsibilities. Some people actually get that at work. At their lunch hour they can take a long walk or go to the gym or just relax. But some jobs don’t allow that (my husband is under constant pressure at work). And staying at home, even if it looks peaceful and idyllic, isn’t really relaxing, either, if you are always responsible for children.
So I think making sure that each spouse has a few hours a week where no one has any demands on them is vitally important. Some can get that at work, but some can’t. And being with the kids, even if they’re napping, doesn’t count as a break.
8. People tend to work better to a system
If you do assign chores or tasks at home, remember that people tend to complete them better to a system. Personally, I love Mandi Ehman’s Family Chore Planner, which provides twelve weeks of chores that need to be done in your home (on a quarterly basis), so that everything will get done in its time. You just pick chores and assign them to people. Keep the chart on the fridge or in your home’s command centre, and then make sure they get done by a specific date (say, Saturday at noon).
Having a visible list is all the motivation that some people need.
The other “system” that often works is to set “cleaning hours”. My mother and I did this growing up, since my mom worked outside the house. Every Saturday morning we cleaned the whole place. She wanted to take evenings mostly off, since she was tired, so Saturday was our cleaning day. And we both worked until everything was done. So if you don’t like the idea of assigning chores, you could also just decide on a specific time to get everything done (this often works well for newlyweds, too, when each works outside the home).
9. Make use of captive labour
Once your kids reach 3 or 4, then you no longer have just two people in the house who can do chores. Kids can and should be put to work, too!
When my girls were 5 and 6 they thought cleaning toilets was the best thing in the world. They would fight over who got to make the bubbles in the toilet. Small children often LIKE to clean, so include them in the Family Chore Planner when they’re young, and they’re more likely to continue to clean as they get older.
(the Family Chore Planner also helps you figure out what age kids can do what chores).
10. Nobody should feel disrespected
No one should feel taken for granted. And I’ve seen this happen in two extremes: either the wife does absolutely all the housework (and often some paid work) and the husband expects to be “served”, or the husband works outside the home and then comes home to a disaster where he has to do most of the housework, too.
Sometimes we women need to step up to the plate and learn how to clean. We’re not born being organized, and sometimes we need a jolt. But sometimes our husbands also need to know that we aren’t maids, and that we do deserve respect.
If you feel as if your husband will not compromise and does not think that he should do any work, then you need to have a discussion with him where you lay out all the things that go into running a household, and explain how tired you are, and ask which ones he’d like to leave undone. Or perhaps it’s time to ask a mentor couple to help you work this out.
Here’s the main takeaway: There is no one size fits all when it comes to splitting household chores, but you can find a system that works for your family. We all need to feel productive, but we all also need a break.
So let’s talk about how to get there practically. Have you ever struggled with finding this balance? What did you do to divide housework in your marriage? Let me know in the comments!
The post Top 10 Principles for Splitting Household Chores with Your Husband appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.
May 1, 2017
Reader Question: Do I Have to Be My Husband’s Maid?
Do you ever feel like your husband’s maid?Every Monday I like to put up a reader question and take a stab at answering it. And today’s I think is a sentiment that many of us have had: is my whole life just cleaning up after him?
..woke up this morning feeling more like a maid than anything! ..woke up to a dirty bathroom..(cant even flush the the toilet!)… and laundry all over the place for me to pick up after him!…sometimes i wonder if he does this on purpose???…really the laundry basket is empty but you just find clothes around the basket and staff like that! ..well, i guess its just one of those days…am really trying hard to be positive about everything and focus on the good…”whatever is lovely, pure,…” ..he noticed that i was quiet in the car as we drove to work…cause really sometimes i want to say all the wrong things but i would rather keep quiet… help!
Okay, I have a whole bunch of thoughts going on in my head in all different directions, so I’m just going to give a whole smorgasbord of ideas, just because we don’t know a lot of background on this question. So let’s jump in!
Is it disrespect or is it just difference?
Let’s take the clothes on the floor for a moment. I talked in both my books To Love, Honor and Vacuum and 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage about what to do if your husband, for instance, is leaving his socks on the floor.
There is no one size fits all approach to this, because it really depends on your wider relationship.
My husband leaves clothes on the floor sometimes, and it doesn’t bother me a bit. Every morning, after my shower, I just take 30 seconds and gather up his stuff and my stuff and sort it and put the stuff in the laundry that needs to go in the laundry, and it’s all hunky dorey.
But my husband also respects me and he takes care of a lot of other things in our family (he does the finances and all the insurance stuff and tons of other tasks). So, yes, he doesn’t always put stuff in the hamper. But he does a ton, and it really doesn’t take long for me to put stuff in the hamper, so it’s totally not a big deal at all.
On the other hand, if your husband spends most of his time playing video games, never helps around the house, and never looks after the kids, and truly just expects you to wait on him, then this could be part of a pattern of disrespect. (I had a friend, for instance, who would sit on the couch and wait for his wife to bring him his food every night. He wouldn’t even eat at the dinging table with the kids).
So when you’re ticked off, ask yourself honestly: Does my husband do a lot for me? Does my husband work hard? If so, then is this really a big deal? Or is this a sign of a pattern that’s really bad?
Maybe you need some systems in place
I have to say, I’m a little confused about the toilet issue. I know some men can–how shall I put this?–have messier toilet encounters in general than most women. At the same time, I really have a hard time picturing how one bathroom encounter can cause a toilet to be so disgusting that it can’t be flushed.
Here’s the thing about toilets: If you stay on top of it, it’s actually the easiest thing to clean that takes the least amount of time. If you do it every three days, for instance, the toilet will pretty much always look sparkling, no matter what people do in it. Just keep a brush by the toilet and some toilet cleaner under the sink (or in a cabinet above the toilet), and scrub away!
Here’s what I do: I turn my shower on, and it takes about a minute for the water to turn hot enough to get in. So while it’s heating up, I clean my toilet. When I’m done, the shower’s just starting to get hot. And my toilet stays great!
Letting a toilet get disgusting can be really depressing. But it honestly doesn’t need to. And if it’s becoming that much of a stressor, perhaps you just need to set up some systems to make cleaning regularly more a part of your life. If you clean your bathroom every week, for instance, it doesn’t take that long. If you leave your bathroom for two months, the soap scum really builds up and it’s pretty gross to clean.
Assign some chores and do them regularly
So what about just setting up a cleaning system? If you need ideas, I’ve been talking about the Ultimate Homemaking Bundle for the last few days, and this is the last day that it’s available.
It’s $2000 of ebooks and ecourses for just $29.97. Seriously. No gimmicks. I know it sounds too good to be true, but it really is that amazing! And I’ve been highlighting the books on decorating, and organizing, and sex (because my Boost Your Libido course is part of it!) and mothering, but there are also a TON of resources to help you organize your cleaning better. I was looking through the bundle this weekend to try to figure out what might help this woman, and here are all the resources from the organizing/cleaning section:
(These are only 17 of the 107 resources in the bundle. So there are 90 others! You really have to see it).
Here are just a few that I think would help this woman:
The Family Chore Planner by Mandi Ehman (normally sells for $17). It’s twelve weekly lists of chore sheets, on a quarterly basis (because some chores need to be done daily, some weekly, some monthly, and some quarterly. Having a quarterly list makes sure you don’t forget anything important!). Then you can just “assign” each chore to a person, and check them off when they’re done. My daughter and son-in-law have a chore system on their fridge, and it works great. A lot of new husbands (and even new wives!) aren’t that great at figuring out what to clean when, and so things can get gross pretty fast, and then one person can feel like they do all the work. But setting up a chore system makes it quickly visible who should do what, and stops a lot of the nagging!
Overwhelm to Order: The Ultimate Homemaking Binder by Rachel Norman ($9.99) can help you take a step back and look at the bigger picture of what you want your home to be like, and THEN you organize your chores. So you take a self-assessment of what’s working and what’s not, figure out your relationship goals, too, and then divide chores.
Speed Clean the Deep Clean: A Collection of Time-Saving Cleaning Tutorials and Tips for Busy Moms by Katelyn Fagan ($4.99). This gives you 71 tricks for deep cleaning around the house–so that it doesn’t get disgusting!
Revive 30-Day Challenge Course by Jessica Fisher ($27.00). This online course helps you redefine what you want from your home, make a plan, and then actually get there! One day at a time. You can do it!
All of those together would sell for $58, but you get them–plus 103 other things–for just $29.97!
When my children were younger I didn’t have systems in place, and the house often got really messy. I remember one night, when the girls were maybe 4 and 6, Keith sat down with me and said, “I just don’t like coming home to such a mess.” And I was really ticked off. What a Neanderthal! Did he honestly expect me to do all of the housework? Besides, the reason the house was a mess is because I was spending so much time taking the girls to the library and doing fun, educational things with them.
But then I got thinking: It only takes 10 minutes to tidy the living area if we do it consistently. It’s honestly not that much time. And maybe all I need is to get organized!
I didn’t know how to do that, to tell you the truth, so I took all the books in the library I could find on organization and tried them. And I got organized! I would have loved something like the Ultimate Homemaking Bundle, with all of the printables and checklists so many of these resources have.
But the Bundle sale ENDS tonight at midnight! So check it out now.
Sometimes we get so intent on “what’s fair” that we miss the bigger picture
Look, anyone who reads my blog knows that I am very, very big on mutual respect in marriage. I do not think that it’s good for a woman to do things for a husband that he should do for himself, because it teaches those in your household that it’s okay to treat mom with disrespect, when it’s not.
Feel like your husband's maid? Is it a pattern of disrespect or something systems can easily fix?Click To Tweet
But at the same time, I think it’s all too easy to get our knickers in a twist (to use a UK expression) about something which honestly isn’t that big a deal. I’ve done the vast majority of the housework in our marriage because I have more time and I’m better at it. Keith has done the finances about half of our marriage, and I’m so grateful he does them now because he’s better at it. I’m going to talk about why splitting all household chores isn’t always a good idea some more this week, but today I want to emphasize that to get super upset about something which seriously only takes 30 seconds to solve, or which only takes a few minutes if you do it regularly, isn’t really the best strategy for your marriage.
If your husband deliberately leaves junk everywhere and never puts anything in the dishwasher and treats you like a maid–then, yes, have a talk. And if that’s the case, it’s totally okay to take all of his clothes and put them in a pile by the bed, and tell him, “I’m more than happy to put wash and fold if you’ll just sort what’s dirty and put it in the hamper.”
But it may not be that he doesn’t respect you. It may simply be that he’s different and doesn’t mind the mess as much. And if he does a whole lot of other stuff for the family, do those 30 seconds really matter that much? It is to big a deal to serve your husband?
Get a system and Don’t sweat the small stuff
So that’s my big advice, really: get a system, and don’t worry about little stuff. It’s not worth it. Stay on top of cleaning, and these things don’t seem that big a deal. And as long as you’re not in a big pattern of disrespect, then seriously: your marriage is worth more than getting upset over a hamper.
Let me know in the comments: how do you negotiate chores in your marriage? Do you sometimes find that you get upset over things that aren’t that big a deal in the long run? Or is there really a pattern of disrespect? Let’s talk!
PS: The Bundle has some physical bonuses that can be sent right to your house–like this detox project box to detox a part of your house, the teas, and more (not pictured), including a craft subscription box for kids and some lip balm. So it’s not only online resources! Check it out, because the sale’s over tonight at midnight! And this is the cheapest and the best deal you’ll ever get on my Boost Your Libido course, too!
And remember–email me your receipt after you’ve purchased for a chance to win some awesome prizes!
Just send your receipt here.
Hope you win!
The post Reader Question: Do I Have to Be My Husband’s Maid? appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.
April 28, 2017
What if You Were Never Meant to Settle for Safe?
You can’t do it really well, can you? I have a “nephew” (he’s an adopted nephew, really) who always believed his favourite colour was red. Then he was tested for colour blindedness and it turns out he can’t see red. He’s been seeing SOMETHING, but it’s not red. And he never knew it this whole time!
I sometimes feel like it’s the same phenomenon with women who have very little sex drive and don’t really want sex.
I try to find so many ways of explaining how we’re missing out on something, and how it doesn’t have to be that way, but I’m never sure if I’m getting through.
I’ve been thinking about this a lot this week, because last weekend I was speaking at a FamilyLife Weekend Getaway, and the majority of women who came up to me with questions just had no libido. And they were tired of feeling guilty, but what were they supposed to do?
And so I thought–how can I explain it better?
I don’t know that I can say anything new. But I wrote a post a little while ago for Gary Thomas’ website, and I thought I did a good job there. So allow me to reprint it in its entirety today. And please–if you have no libido and you’re sick of hearing about sex, can you read it anyway? 
April 27, 2017
5 Simple Ways to Add PIZZAZZ Back to Your Day
Yeah, me, too. And so I thought I’d share five quick changes that can make life more exciting.
We’re in the middle of the Ultimate Homemaking Bundle Sale, a collection of $2000 worth of ebooks and ecourses, plus almost another $300 in bonuses, for just $29.97.
And I’ve spent the last few weeks working my way through the bundle (I got it early since I’m an author and my Boost Your Libido course is part of it!), and I found some amazing tips that I’ve already put into practice.
I thought I’d share some quick ones with you today, too!
1. Furniture Does Not Have to Hug Walls
Okay, maybe everyone else in the world knows this but me, but our living room used to be pretty boring. And then I decided to watch Yellow Prairie’s course on decorating your living room, and I learned two tricks that I never knew before. And they really do work!
My youngest daughter Katie is home for the week, and I enlisted her to help me with this one. Okay, so here’s what my living room looked like just three days ago:
Our coffee table opens up, which is handy, but all of our furniture was against the wall.
(That chair is where I do most of my blogging. That’s why my posture is so bad.)
So when you were sitting in the living room, you were far away from everyone else on the loveseat, couch, or chair. And everything was cluttered and really boring.
The Yellow Prairie course (it’s the middle one in the Home section) told us something: You can center furniture in a room with an area rug, and create a cozy space that way. You don’t have to hug the wall!
So I said to Katie, “Let’s go buy an area rug!”
It was 8:20 at night, and we figured that Bed Bath ‘n Beyond closed at 9. We had time.
But then my mom, who moved in to an apartment in our basement last year, piped up, “why don’t you get the rug out of the garage?”
We had an area rug in the garage? Who knew?
The only problem was that our garage was an obstacle course because of all my mom’s stuff. But Katie valiantly retrieved said rug,
And we vacuumed it, put it in the center of the room, and placed the furniture on top of it. Then my mom said that there was an extra corner table in the storage room, so I replaced the ugly table next to my chair, and voila!
It looks so much better!
Seriously, it feels actually cozy. And I moved the loveseat out too, and the wash stand behind the loveseat, and it’s great.
When my mother told us that we already owned the rug and the table, I made it my goal to decorate using only things that we owned. So Katie and I had fun with it. We put my husband’s birdwatching books in one of my Mom’s old birdcages. I think it works. (that’s more a tip from one of the other decorating books!)
(I’ve lost all of my ceramic stuff for the mantle. It’s on a box somewhere in the garage. So I’ll have to live with a mantle I don’t like as much for now).
Moving the furniture around took all of 15 minutes, and I honestly can say that I like my living room now!
The Yellow Prairie course goes over how to choose paint colours, area rugs, lighting, accessories, and furniture placement, and it sells for $25.00–basically the cost of the ENTIRE bundle.
2. The Triangle of Light
Here’s something else I learned from the course: for a room to feel cozy, you need three points of light.
I already had two points with the lamps on either side of the couch. But I didn’t have a third.
So we put a cute lamp on the table by my chair, and a standing lamp behind my chair, and again–it feels so much cozier! And it wasn’t that hard.
3. The Fashion “Rule of Four”
My living room used to be a little depressing and intimidating, because people were sitting so far apart. But clothes can be depressing and intimidating, too. How do you put an outfit together?
I’m actually not too bad at this (I really enjoy clothes!). But I have a hard time explaining to people what I do. It’s kind of instinctual.
But I’ve found the answer in the From Frustration to Functional Closet Challenge from Adore Your Wardrobe.
I watched just the bonus video, and I learned the “rule of 4”. She explains how if you want to make an outfit look put together, you need to “count to 4”! How do you do that? These things are worth zero:
Pants that are neutral colours
Sweaters, tank tops, blouses or shirts that are solid colours
These things are worth one point:
Patterned Pants
Coloured Pants
Patterned tops
Statement jewelry pieces
Belts that are visible
Interesting shoes or boots that are visible
A scarf
A hat
So before you go out, you just need to “count to 4”! It’s fine if you count HIGHER than 4, but you need to get to at least 4.
It’s such a little trick, but I think it will really help you feel like you’re wearing an “outfit”, and not just clothes.
The course sells for $69, so for this course and the Living Room course we’re at $94. And the Bundle is only $29.97! But we’re still not done.
4. Set up a Command Center!
Do stacks of paper frequently accumulate on your counters and other flat spaces?
Do important papers get misplaced?
Do you need a better way to keep track of receipts, coupons, invitations, and other miscellaneous papers?
Do your kids forget or lose their homework, order forms, signed permission forms, or other papers?
Do your husband and kids constantly ask questions and make comments like “what’s for dinner?,” “what do we have to do today?,” “what do I need for school today?,” “Hey Mom! Put yogurt on the shopping list!” or “when is my soccer game?”
Do you feel overwhelmed by clutter in the main living spaces of your home?
Then you may need a Command Center!
I loved this ebook. It’s got great pictures to be your inspiration, and she explains where to put your command center, how to decorate it, and how to make it as functional as possible so you’ll actually use it! The key is not to think of it as a horizontal thing, like a desk or a table. Think of a vertical command center and make use of walls. So smart!
Now we’re up to $100–but we’re still not done! One last thing from the Bundle to show you.
5. Add Pizzazz to Your Date Nights!
You didn’t think I could go without talking about marriage, did you?
I talk a lot about date nights on this blog, because it’s so important to spend time together. But let’s face it: date nights can be intimidating, because what on earth are we going to do? And going to dinner and a movie while hiring a baby-sitter can cost upwards of $100!
Well, the Dating Divas have an awesome set of 52 Date Night Cards, one for every week of the year. There’s a way you can print them out in a little album, but I just plain love their ideas, too. Because they focus on super cheap and super easy, but they’re still fun!
(Hey, that’s my Boost Your Libido course there, too!)
Anyway, while some of those dates cost money (but very minimal money), most don’t at all. They’ve got ideas like:
Have a do-it-yourself drive-in date, with your laptop, some blankets, and some popcorn in your car
Take a photo scavenger hunt
Take a YouTube scavenger hunt
Taste test a bunch of cookies from different stores
Create a new holiday (with traditions and rules, etc.)
And so many more! The key takeaway: Fun doesn’t have to cost a lot of money or take a lot of time. It just needs some creativity. One thing Keith and I are trying to do is to add more of this into our lives this year, because we tend to always settle in to the same things–the same games, then watch Netflix. We’d like to just plain have more fun together!
Add the 52 Dates for Two, and we’re at $107. But there are 102 other products in the Ultimate Homemaking Bundle, including my Boost Your Libido course. In fact, if you wanted the course, buying the bundle is like getting $10 off, PLUS getting another $2000 worth of resources!
So it’s a great way to add some pizzazz to your life in ways you may not have thought of. That’s what I always love from the Bundle–I learn about things I wasn’t even necessarily thinking about–but they do make a huge difference.
The Bundle is gone Monday at midnight EST, though, so don’t wait! And the early bird special, where you get the free ereader upgrade (so you can read the ebook portion of the bundle on your Kindle or Nook), is over tonight at midnight!
The Early Bird Special will end in:
It really is a ton of fun! And I hope that I’ve given you just a few tips today on how you can add some “pizzazz” into your world! Now go count to four.
April 26, 2017
It’s My Favourite Week of the Year!
Aaaand…IT’S ON!
It’s my favourite week of the year.
It all started five years ago when my internet friends Ryan and Stephanie invited me to be part of something called “The Ultimate Homemaking Bundle”. They scour the internet every year for the best ebooks, video courses, and ecourses on homemaking (plus some amazing PHYSICAL bonuses) and put together a bundle that’s worth over $2000, and sell it for just $29.97.
And this year my Boost Your Libido course is part of the bundle.
That course alone is worth $39. So the bundle gives you $10 off, and THEN you get another $1980 worth of online products and physical bonuses.
But what if you've already bought the course?
Don’t worry!
I’ve got something EXCLUSIVE lined up for people who already have the course.
If you’d like the Bundle, all you have to do is email me your receipt once it’s purchased and I’ll send you invitations to two webinars I’ll be giving–one on how to make sex great and reach the “Big O”, and one with my daughters on how to raise teens well and talk to kids about sex.
These webinars are ONLY open for people who already have the course, and you’ll get your chance to ask any question you want!
Once you buy the bundle, just email me your receipt here!
But the deal isn’t really why it’s my favourite week of the year (though that really helps).
It’s that this week is the week that I get excited and start doing totally new things that I never dreamed of–because I read some resource that changes EVERYTHING for me. Something I never would have seen otherwise, but it really brings a whole new way of looking at homemaking for me.
As an affiliate and an author, I get access to the bundle a few weeks before it goes live, so I have a chance to check it all out. And I honestly go through as much of it as I can. And let me tell you–I am having so much fun! Last night Katie and I rearranged our living room, all because of the Yellow Prairie Living Room course. She taught me two things that may be obvious to many people, but I never knew. And boy, does our room ever look amazing! (I’ve got before and after pics tomorrow, along with those two secrets that I had no clue about).
The Bundle just has so much fun stuff in it!
But I’m getting ahead of myself.
The point is this: Too often “homemaking” brings dread.
We feel exhausted because we have too much to do, and like failures because we’re so disorganized. And we yearn for better relationships and a less stressful bank account!
But the only way through stress is to feel as if you’re accomplishing your purpose. What really brings joy and satisfaction is feeling that what I do matters and I am doing those things well.
When you feel like that, you feel at home!
When my kids were smaller, I had no routines for planning meals or cleaning or any of the “must dos” in life. I was great at taking them for outings, but not so great at making home peaceful.
As they grew older, I knew something had to change. I was getting too grumpy at everyone (including myself). So I started learning more about simple systems I could put in place to help me feel as if I had a handle on it.
I didn’t work harder. I just worked smarter.
And I have to tell you: A lot of that is due to the Ultimate Homemaking Bundle.
Last year it was a course on creating margins in my life and clearing the unimportant from your to do list that changed my life. The year before it was a book on Paperless Home Organization. The year before it was a book that finally helped me quit Diet Pepsi for good, and helped me clean up my eating.
And now the Ultimate Homemaking Bundle for 2017 is here, and I’m so thrilled to find FOUR gems that are already helping me feel more at home when I’m home–plus a TON of other resources with life hacks and tips that I just love. And I know that you will find amazing things in it as well!
The ebooks, printables, and online courses are worth over $1986 (almost TWICE what the bundle was worth last year!) Add the bonuses, and you get a bundle worth about $2200 for just $29.97.
The Ultimate Homemaking Bundle includes 106 hand-picked eBooks, eCourses, and printables, on topics that matter to us such as:
organization, routines & creating a cozy home
recipes, grocery shopping and meal-planning
budgeting and saving money
motherhood (no matter what age your kids are)
cultivating a strong marriage
faith (for you & your kids)
and even self-care (like exercise, weight loss, life planning and coloring books!)
and much more…
They’ve got a bunch of resources on marriage (look! There’s me!):
But then a whole lot more, too, including physical bonuses that can come straight to your house (and some online bonuses), from places like:
Here are all the bonuses:
$15 store credit from Cultivate What Matters (international shipping available)
Free 1 month subscription from Kiwi Crate, $20 value ($15 off $50 shop purchase for existing customers, shipping available to U.S. & Canada)
Free 1 month MightyFix shipment from Mighty Nest, $17 value ($15 store credit toward next add-on order for existing MightyFix subscribers, international shipping available)
One project box from Detox Project Box, $25 value (shipping available to U.S. & Canada)
Free 1 month subscription from Bookroo, $18 value (box of past favorites for existing customers, international shipping available)
Orglamix Lip Balm Kit, $15 value (international shipping available)
$15 store credit from Strawesome (international shipping available)
Digital download of the 2017 Hope Ink Calendar, $20+ value -or- $15 credit + 3 art prints from Hope Ink, $99 value (international shipping available)
Homeowner Lifetime Membership from HomeBinder, $120 value (digital)
Free 1 year annual membership from MollyGreen.com, $29 value (digital)
The Bundle is available for just 6 days – from now until Monday, May 1st, 2016 at 11:59pm EST. That’s why the Ultimate Bundles team can offer so much, because they only have permission to sell it for such a short period of time.
Let me show you the four products I’m personally devouring–though there are so many more that are amazing, too!
I’ll be sharing about some of these on the blog tomorrow–including the lesson on living room decorating, with some pictures of what happened when I simply moved furniture and used things I already had at home differently (so cool!)
And I’m changing my morning routine and learning how to get rid of all of our paper, too. Plus we’ve made it a goal to eat through our freezer and try a no buy month!
April 25, 2017
10 Important Truths from 13 Reasons Why–with Discussion Questions
There is a lot of buzz that Netflix’s new series 13 Reasons Why does just that.
I disagree. I watched it over the last week, and I have rarely seen a show that so captures the complexities and grittiness of teenage life, and does so while portraying absolute truth. Instead of glorifying teenage suicide, it shows how it is a waste, and how utterly preventable it usually is.
I don’t believe everyone should watch the show. Many teens are just too young to handle it. Young people who are unstable emotionally should likely steer clear. This is definitely a “parental advisory recommended” show. I certainly skipped the actual suicide scene (I can only take so much). But here’s what I believe when it comes to film and TV shows: biblical world view matters.
And what is a biblical world view when it comes to media? It’s a show that portrays the world as it is, with a moral framework that is in line with God’s view. It doesn’t mean that Jesus is necessarily preached, and it certainly doesn’t mean that the characters are perfect or even believe in God. It simply portrays truth, with grace and love winning, and evil and pettiness losing.
And 13 Reasons Why does that, in spades.
I’ve written before about how I feel about biblical world view and movies after I was criticized for writing a post on how much I liked the movie The King’s Speech, since The King’s Speech had profanity in it. I understand that some people want to stay away from films containing questionable material. But I think, in so doing, we may be missing some great opportunities to understand the world teens inhabit, and to open up conversations with them.
In October, my daughter Rebecca’s book Why I Didn’t Rebel will be out, and Thomas Nelson (her publisher) thinks it will be one of their big books in the fall. One of her main points is that if you want to raise kids to follow God, you need an open and authentic relationship with them. If parents don’t understand what’s going on in teen’s lives, that’s so much harder to get.
Look, this show has a LOT of swearing. Way too much for my taste. The kids all drink. There’s definitely teenage sexual activity going on, including same-sex activity (although they don’t glorify it). There are drugs and tarot cards and assault. But, according to my own girls, that is simply what happens–even in Christian high schools (some of the biggest parties with alcohol in our town were with Christian high school kids). And the underlying message in the miniseries is quite profound–and it offers up great opportunities for discussion.
So today I want to share with you 10 important lessons from 13 Reasons Why–and give you some discussion questions you can use if you watch it with your teens.
It’s going to be a bit of a different post, and if you have no interest in the series, I hope you’ll forgive me. But I think it’s an important enough phenomenon among high schoolers at the moment that it’s worth talking about and trying to steer the conversation in a helpful direction.
But first, a synopsis:
13 Reasons Why centers on Hannah Baker, a 17-year-old girl who commits suicide. Before she does, though, she records 13 cassette tapes explaining 13 reasons why she kills herself–which boil down to 13 individuals and what they did to her. One of those individuals is Clay, the focus of the series as he tries to come to terms with what caused Hannah’s death. He’s a broken hearted, lost boy who was secretly in love with Hannah. And as each of those 13 individuals comes to grips with their roles in Hannah’s death, we learn so much about relationships and grace.
The show works because it isn’t one-dimensional. It’s not like Hannah was the typical bullied girl, and everyone else was completely at fault. Hannah sabotaged herself. Hannah misjudged other people’s motives. Hannah missed opportunities to connect with people. And other people chose to do stupid things for often very understandable reasons (and some just plain bad reasons).
It’s just a mess of mistakes that, unless we understand the lessons behind it, too many teenagers and adults will make. So I want to share what I took away from the series, and then provide you with a downloadable list of discussion starters you can use with your older teens if they watch the show.
10 Lessons to Discuss with Your Teens about Netflix's 13 Reasons Why:Click To Tweet
13 Reasons Why‘s Lessons for Parents
1. Love Cannot Overcome Lack of Time
With very few exceptions, every single one of the adults in 13 Reasons Why truly loved the kids and wanted the best for them. They were just completely clueless about what was going on in their kids’ lives.
Clay’s parents tried to talk to him, and even implemented “family breakfasts” since they never seemed to all be home at dinner time. Jessica’s parents did the “family dinners”, but still didn’t know what was happening with her. And Alex’s parents worked opposite shifts so they were never home, though Alex’s father made great meals and gave him good pep talks.
All of the parents spent a lot of time at work, and these kids spent the majority of their time on their own, with friends, or in their rooms. Eating was the only thing everybody did together. There were no family activities. There was no history of sharing things. So when things started to go wrong and parents started to panic and try to get their kids to open up, they hit a brick wall.
The lesson? You may love your kids a ton, but they won’t open up unless they have a pre-existing authentic, safe relationship with you, and that can only be built with tons of time spent together–not just eating (though that’s important). These kids had no experience with family bonding or fun with their parents, so their parents were not who they naturally turned to when things got rough.
2. High School is a Toxic Environment
Everyone is bullied–even many of the people doing the bullying. Everyone is scared. And kids are simply cruel.
Personally, I’m glad my girls didn’t go to high school (we homeschooled all the way through). They still had an active social life, and they still had friends. But they were out of that environment, and if you have the ability to give kids a different experience, I highly recommend it.
High school forces kids to hang out with the same people every day, even after those kids have humiliated you or hurt you. There’s no escape. As adults, we’d never put up with that. But kids are trapped. And they’re all going through raging hormones and changes at the same time, so it’s a toxic mess.
And please–steer clear of high school parties. Any party without adult supervision (or with minimal adult supervision) will end up being an alcohol infused mess. There is NEVER a reason for a teen to go to a high school party like that. Ever. Stand your ground.
One other big message: be very careful of forcing a high school kid to start at a new school. Hannah was a new student, and that led to many of her problems. Clay was an outcast, too, but he had grown up in the community and he had managed to build an identity for himself and others left him alone. As the new kid on the block, Hannah didn’t have that luxury. My assistant Tammy had to move for her husband’s work in her daughter’s last year of high school. She has repeatedly said that if she could do it again, she would have stayed behind for a year rather than making her daughter switch schools in senior year.
Want a way to talk about the hard stuff with your teen? Check out our discussion questions for 13 Reasons Why.
3. Kids Are Exposed to More than We Think
We may want to rail against teenage alcohol use and protect our kids from finding out about drugs or porn or sex, but even if our kids steer clear themselves, many, many of their friends will not, even in Christian schools. And so our kids need to know both how to say no and how to help friends who are in too deep. And they won’t know this unless we can talk to them about it and acknowledge that this stuff goes on.
There’s another aspect to this–in the whole series, kids were trying to act like adults when they weren’t. Clay beats himself up for not telling Hannah that he loved her. But why didn’t he? Because he was just a kid, and he had no idea how to handle these feelings. It took him ages to even get up the courage to kiss her. That’s how it is when you’re 17.
Our kids have adult bodies. They are in adult situations. But they are supremely ill-equipped to handle them because it’s all new. Most kids are not naive. They’re dealing with real things that we deal with all the time. The only difference is that they have no experience in doing so.
One more thing–Zach let Hannah down by pulling a petty prank on her. And yet if you follow Zack throughout the show, you see a very decent guy who was in over his head. He tried to help Hannah after Marcus insulted her. He truly liked Hannah and asked her out, but in her pain Hannah couldn’t see Zach’s heart. And Zach truly didn’t like the jocks he was with on the basketball team. Yet Zack was simply not mature enough to handle Hannah’s pain. And later, when both Justin and Alex reached out to Zack (because he was the only together one in the group), Zack pulled away, to disastrous consequences.
Zach wasn’t bad. He was simply young. And he was put in an adult situation because no adults were stepping up. Of all the people depicted, he will likely be haunted the most in future years. And yet he should never have been in that situation in the first place, because he was simply too young to deal with everyone else’s pain. Many of our kids are in the same situation. They’re carrying their friends’ pain and they can’t handle it. We need to do all we can to make their burdens lighter.
4. Brokenness Causes More Brokenness
One of the most tragic figures in this series is Justin. Hannah is livid at him–he’s the only one who is featured on two tapes. And yet, to me, he is the most sympathetic.
We learn that the reason he protected Bryce, a rapist, is because Justin is in danger from mother’s boyfriends at home, and rich Bryce provides a place for him to crash.
What would have happened if Jessica’s responsible, loving dad had noticed that his daughter’s boyfriend seemed lost? But he just didn’t see, because kids who are unsafe at home aren’t going to announce it to the world.
Justin wasn’t a bad kid. He was a sad and desperate kid. And in our neighbourhoods, in our churches, in the contacts lists on our kids’ phones are lots of desperate kids.
So get to know your kids’ friends. Have them over and let them hang out. Talk to them like they’re real people and get to know what’s going on in their hearts. Many of them desperately need us.
And one more thing: If your child starts acting out, don’t assume it’s rebellion. Jessica starts drinking heavily, using drugs, and skipping school. From the outside, it looks like she’s making really bad decisions. But really she’s reeling from a rape she refuses to acknowledge. If your child suddenly starts doing things they’ve never done before, don’t just clamp down. Brokenness begets brokenness, and you may find something you didn’t know was there.
5. When a Kid Opens Up a Little, Don’t Close the Door
The person who was most responsible for Hannah’s death wasn’t her rapist, her bullies, or her friends who didn’t do enough. It was a well-meaning school counsellor who got everything wrong.
This is likely the biggest lesson that EVERYONE needs to take from this series, so please hear me on this:
When someone is seriously desperate, and they open up, they will not spill everything.
They’ll test you by spilling just a bit and seeing how you react.
So if someone opens the window a little bit on the blackness they’re feeling, treat it as if it is extremely serious. Do not take it at face value.
Encourage them. Invite more revelations. Just listen. And maybe, just maybe, if they see that you’re safe, they’ll tell you what’s actually going on.
13 Reasons Why‘s Lessons for Teens
Don’t miss our free discussion questions for 13 Reasons Why.
6. Look to the Heart, and Offer Grace
Zach was a decent, kind-hearted guy. But when Hannah turned him down because she was hurt, Zach couldn’t see past her hurt, and he ended up retaliating, to disastrous consequences. Yet both of them were simply good kids who had been spurned.
Alex was a decent, kind-hearted guy, but when he was afraid he was losing his girlfriend, he did something really stupid and made a list of who is hot and who is not. Instead of seeing that Alex just made a mistake, Jessica abandoned him for a dangerous crowd.
Clay was the supreme decent, kind-hearted guy, but when Hannah pushed him away, he felt lost and rejected and couldn’t handle her anymore, so he pushed her away, too. He couldn’t see past her pain.
Over and over again in the series, kids who were decent kids, who could have had good friendships, hurt each other and then they broke relationship.
The whole time you’re watching this show you want to yell at Jessica and Zach and Hannah and Clay and Alex and say, “just stop! He’s a nice person! She’s a great girl! Don’t abandon each other!”
When people make real mistakes that show bad character (like Marcus standing up Hannah), you should walk away. But when people are just hurting–push forward. Offer grace. Don’t abandon good friendships because you’re hurt. Life could be so much better if we just stuck with each other through pain.
13 Reasons Why is an earthquake through teen culture. Adults, let's step in to the discussion:Click To Tweet
7. Things Won’t Get Better Until You Talk to Adults
The whole series is like watching a huge train wreck. Everyone is making such bad decisions and trying to cover everything up, and the more they do that, the worse things get.
Yet the last episode shows hope, because finally, finally, kids start to open up to adults.
Jessica tells her dad about the rape. Tony gives the tapes to Hannah’s parents. Clay’s mom finds out what’s going on. Courtney tells her dad her secret. And as adults get invited to the inner circle, we start to finally feel as if some healing can take place and some justice can be done.
The kids who let parents and adults in–Jessica, Courtney, Tony, Sherri, even Clay–they look like they’re going to be okay. The people who don’t–Justin, Tyler, Zach, and especially Alex–they look like they won’t be okay. The message? When you’re dealing with something huge, it can seem like the whole world rests on your shoulders. But it’s not supposed to. Sometimes we all need help. When you start to ask for it, things can start to get better.
8. Owning Up to Your Responsibility Matters. And Adults Don’t Always Understand
We all make mistakes. And in trying to cover up those mistakes or make excuses for ourselves we only make everything worse.
The only way to grow into people that we actually like is to admit our errors and come to terms with them. Everyone thought that Clay was overreacting and taking too much guilt on himself over what happened to Hannah, but he could not come to forgive himself until he acknowledged that he had let her down. Until you can face the reality of what you did, how can you come to peace with it?
It’s very much like our relationship with God. We can’t find true peace and forgiveness until we confess. Confession opens the door to healing.
And yet adults themselves don’t always understand this. Mr. Porter couldn’t come to terms with his role in Hannah’s death, and his inability to confess is a marked contrast to the road that Sherri eventually travels. Sherri confesses something big, no matter the consequences. Mr. Porter doesn’t, and it likely turns out worse for him than it does for Sherri.
9. Secrets are Toxic
When we keep secrets, we don’t just hurt others. We hurt ourselves.
Sherri’s secret was eating her up inside. Courtney’s secret caused her to become a cold-hearted person who identified with bullies, just to keep it. Jessica’s secret caused self-destructive behaviour. Justin’s secret caused such incredible guilt.
And, of course, all the secrets Hannah kept cost her her life. If she had let just one person in on what she was really feeling, all of this could have been avoided.
Secrets haunt you. And the only way to diminish the power they have over you is to bring them out in the open.
10. Everyone Else is Hurting, Too
Hannah thought she was alone. Hannah felt empty. Hannah felt like nobody understood.
Yet Tyler was hurting, too. Justin was certainly hurting. Alex was tortured. Sky was cutting herself. And Clay was lost.
When you’re hurting, and when everyone around you is keeping secrets to keep up appearances, it can feel like you’re all alone. And that makes your pain worse.
But please know this: everyone is hurting, even if it’s in different ways. And if we can open up, share our secrets, and let our guard down, then we can start to carry each other’s pain. And the burden will not seem so heavy.
How would this story have been different if all of the 13 Reasons Why characters could have seen Jesus in the hallway?
I think He would have sat down and just listened while they all cried. He would have looked beyond the bravado that the athletes had. He would have seen the pain Justin and Jessica were trying to mask. He would have helped Clay find his courage. He would have helped Hannah keep perspective, and have given her the hug she needed.
He wouldn’t have judged. He wouldn’t have told them to shape up or demand that they be perfect. He would have listened, even in the midst of the messiness.
If this show does nothing else, I hope that it calls people to listen to each other and love each other, and to be Jesus to the many, many teenagers who feel desperate. There are far too many Hannahs and Clays and Zachs and Justins and Jessicas in this world. And they need us. Can we open our eyes and be there for them, or will we give them another reason why?
The post 10 Important Truths from 13 Reasons Why–with Discussion Questions appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.
April 24, 2017
Reader question: Help! My Grandson is Addicted to His Girlfriend
It’s Rebecca here today (my mom is super busy gearing up for something big this week!). We’ve talked about what to do when someone’s in an inappropriate relationship, like with a married man or when your teenage daughter/son is dating someone you don’t approve of. But what about someone who’s an adult and is choosing to be with someone simply terrible for them?
Every week we answer a reader question on the blog, and the other day we got this reader question from a grandmother concerned about her grandson:
My 23 year old grandson was 6 weeks from completing Transformations recovery (from ice and pot) and discipleship program. He was born again,delivered and on fire for Jesus… then a young lass caught his eye. She bought a ring for him 2 weeks into their relationship. When he finished the program he stopped all fellowship with the guys he’d called brothers for 16 months, and only goes to church on Sunday mornings. His pastor, his mum, and I all warned him about this girl. Still he spent every moment with her, except when he was working, (she does not work). When he was home they were always on the phone or texting. It was not possible to have a meal or conversation without interruption from his girlfriend. Just over a week ago she stopped answering his texts. I’d hear him begging her to see him. (It was heartbreaking to hear him beg) she called it off. He has cried buckets of tears and just when we thought he was moving forward he went out for dinner with her. It’s like an addiction. I’ve asked God for wisdom & discernment. Do you have any advice how I can help. I will continue in prayer.
My first thoughts: Wow. That’s hard.
So what can you do when your adult child/grandchild is on a path you know will only lead to heartache? I thought I’d tackle this one today since I’m about the age of the son from the reader question, and have seen friends go through horrible relationships and come out the other side. Here are my suggestions:
1. Remember that he is an adult.
It can be tempting when we see people making bad choices to try and control their actions. We get in yelling matches, try to enforce rules, all in a desperate attempt to make them understand.
The problem? A lot of times that makes them just run further away. People deserve to be treated with respect, and taking away someone’s autonomy, their freedom to make their own decisions, is not respectful–even when done with the best of intentions.
Look at the story of the prodigal son. The father (signifying God) gave that son his birthright, because that was his choice. He knew he would squander it. He knew he would make terrible decisions. But he gave it to him anyway. Now, I imagine they likely had a conversation about his concerns, but there wasn’t any ultimatum. He respected his son. And in the end, his son came back.
2. Remember that people don’t make bad mistakes for no good reason.
I’m sure it’s easy for the grandmother to see all the terrible things that this girl is doing to her grandson. But her grandson also came from a lot of brokenness–he was addicted to drugs and had been through a 16-month recovery program, only 6 weeks from completion when he met her. He’s been through a lot–he’s been damaged by his past. He still needs time to heal.
It can be tempting to think that everyone should see the world the way we see it. But take some time, step into the other person’s perspective, and practice empathy. Maybe he feels worthless, or like he’s screwed up big-time, and he likes that he can provide for her. Maybe she’s the first person who’s loved him since he got his life back on track. Maybe he’s worried he’ll never find love again after everything he’s been through. Perhaps he doesn’t feel he’s worth love from someone better.
People who have gone through hell don’t come out unscathed. It’s important to try and understand where they may be coming from instead of just assuming they’re acting without thinking. Whenever you disagree, it’s a good idea to expect the best of the other person. It makes you more approachable and easier to confide in, and gets the other person off of the defensive.
So put yourself in his shoes, and expect that he’s not trying to make a terrible mistake. He’s just fallen into one and needs help getting out.
3. Be his safe-haven.
Make communication and fun time together a priority. In this case, the grandson is an adult and so obviously this needs to be done within reasonable boundaries, but just spending time together not lecturing him about his life choices can be a powerful healing agent. If he knows his family loves and likes him as a person, it can help give him that boost he needs to start taking his life back into his own hands. Having somewhere to belong gives you an anchor that you start to compare the rest of your life to–if you give him a warm, accepting, and relaxed family environment, it may be easier for him to see the contrast between your family and the way his girlfriend is treating him.
4. Speak your mind in love with grace.
When the time comes to give your advice, speak your mind. This is simply part of treating him like an adult. But be gracious and speak in love–remember that you are talking about someone that your child deeply cares about.
Instead of saying, “I think she’s a horrible person and deserves to rot in jail,” try to focus on you and your concerns about him by saying something like, “When I saw how distraught you were when she ignored you for those weeks it broke my heart. I hate seeing you treated like that.” The second statement shows concern for him rather than judgment for her, and is less offensive.
It is important, though, to speak when it is time to speak. Passive aggressive snips when his girlfriend is around or when she comes up in conversation will simply strengthen that “us against them” mentality that happens in these unhealthy relationships. So hold your comments back, and when it’s time to speak, speak your mind. Just like you would with a trusted friend.
5. Get other people involved if absolutely necessary
In this case, there seems to be some sort of sick emotional abuse going on (based on the rest of the email that wasn’t included in the post). If the relationship is seriously damaging to your child and you think it could help, getting a close friend involved or someone he/she looks up to and trusts can be beneficial. If there is any domestic violence going on, calling the authorities is also an option to make sure that your child remains physically safe.
In all of this, though, please remember: treat your child like an adult. If you’re going to call the police, tell your child when you’ve called. If you are going to get a friend involved, try to involve your child in that process as much as possible. The more your child feels like he was a part of the process, the more invested he’ll be in getting help. Ambushing usually isn’t helpful–so whenever possible, keep your child involved every step of the way.
Watching adults you care about make bad decisions is difficult, especially since there is often not much you can do. But simply giving that person a safe place to belong while treating him with the respect he deserves can at least show him a model of what healthy love looks like–and hopefully reflect Christ’s love to him, too.
What are your suggestions for this situation? Have you gone through something similar? Let us know in the comments below and we can help each other out!
The post Reader question: Help! My Grandson is Addicted to His Girlfriend appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.
April 21, 2017
4 Things Parents of Babies with Down Syndrome Want You To Know
And so I don’t talk about Down Syndrome much on the blog. I just find it difficult. I remember a few years ago I was leading a youth group event out of town, and we stopped to get a snack at a McDonald’s. I went up to the counter to order my McFlurry and this really well spoken Down Syndrome young man, likely about 21, took my order. Before I could even open my mouth I ran back on the bus, bawling. A bunch of the teens saw and I’m sure they must have thought I was nuts (thankfully my daughters saw and they ran interference, knowing the problem).
But seeing him, doing what I hoped Christopher would have been able to do (be so polite and friendly; have a job; be healthy), was just a lot to take in.
So I still have that rather raw spot in my heart that has never completely scabbed over.
Recently author Heather Avis told me about her book The Lucky Few, where she talks about adopting two children with Down Syndrome, along with another one who needed love. And I adored her story, and invited her to share some thoughts here.
Welcome, Heather:
It was a classic Southern California springtime morning. I had spent the morning at a playgroup with my two-year-old son. It was a group we meet with every Friday and it happens to be my favorite playgroup of all time. You see, my son has Down syndrome, and every Friday we have the honor and joy of getting together with other parents who have babies his age who also happen to have Down syndrome.
On this particular day, as one of my dear friends and I were headed out to our cars, a woman approached our crew of mamas and kids, “Is this where I can drop off my donation for the Women’s shelter?” she glanced at the faces of our children with a bewildered look on her face.
“No.” the woman who coordinates and oversees the playgroup stepped up. “That building is about a block down the street.”
“Oh, okay, thank you.” The woman lingered and before she turned to go she asked, “so what is this group about?” “This is a playgroup for babies and toddlers who have Down syndrome.” My friend graciously smiled at her.
The woman awkwardly looked at the faces of the children in our arms, “I don’t understand, I thought people took care of that.” Then she raised her eyebrows and walked in the direction of the Women’s shelter.
My friends and I just stood there in shock. Our beautiful, capable, worthy children on our hips. The small humans who we love with every ounce of our being and would sacrifice our lives for. Our children, with almond shaped eyes and button noses. I repeat, our kids!
There were so many truths we all wanted to share with this woman who we were certain had no idea how awful and painful her remark was. How unbelievably offensive it was for her to look at the children in our arms and essentially ask us why we would even consider giving them life.
But as the mother of three children, two of whom have Down syndrome, this woman’s perspective is all too common. I adopted all three of my children. Yes, I adopted two children with Down syndrome, and the fact is, if they did not have Down syndrome then their birth parents would have made the choice to parent and not create an adoption plan. The fact is, the majority of women who get an in utero diagnosis choose to terminate their pregnancy. The fact is, most people living outside of the Down syndrome community still view Down syndrome as negative.
Here’s the thing: these decisions and opinions are rarely, if ever, based on truths. As the mother of two children with Down syndrome, here is what I wish I could have communicated with that woman that day about what it means to have a baby with Down syndrome:
1. A baby with Down syndrome is just that, a baby.
Sometimes our babies with Down syndrome experience serious medical needs during their first years of life just like sometimes babies without Down syndrome experience serious medical needs during their first years of life. But mostly what our babies with Down syndrome need is to be held and loved. To have their diaper changed when it’s dirty and to be fed when they are hungry. Babies with Down syndrome are babies.
2. Recognize that this baby is a blessing.
If you are not the parent of a child with Down syndrome or if you do not have a loved one with Down syndrome, then the only thing we need from you when you find out we have/are having a child with Down syndrome is a big congratulatory smile and hug. I have met so many expectant parents who have told me I was the first person to congratulate them on the baby they were expecting who had recently been diagnosis with Down syndrome. The sad eyes and misplaced condolences of well-meaning people are deeply hurtful. Just say, “congratulations”!
3. Take on the posture of a learner.
If you do not have any kind of close relationship with a person who has Down syndrome, then this is your opportunity to learn. Come along side us and learn what it means to have a loved one with Down syndrome by watching and listening and extending grace and love. If you really want to know what it’s like to have a loved one with Down syndrome, listen and learn, smile and nod.
4. God created Down syndrome.
For people who love Jesus, it’s important we know this truth. When I snuggling with my son or daughter with Down syndrome, singing songs or recalling the events of the day, I am holding in my arms a creation of The Creator himself, image bearers of God himself. In the Bible, in the book of Psalms chapter 139 we hear of a God who fearfully and wonderful creates us in our mother’s wombs. I believe these verses are for my children with Down syndrome as much as they are for anyone else. I believe God added an extra chromosome to every single cell in my children’s bodies with purpose and joy. Babies with Down syndrome are not a mistake.
There is so much I want the world to know about Down syndrome and what it means to be the mother of a child with that extra chromosome. I wish the woman from that day, the one who looked my son in the eye and wondered why we didn’t just “take care of it”, could spend just a few days with my children. I know it would only take that long for her to begin to change her opinions. Because the real honest truth? People with Down syndrome are incredible, and those of us who get the honor of parenting a child with Down syndrome are the lucky few.
Heather is the founder of the hit Instagram account @macymakesmyday, which currently has more than 78k followers and inspires people from all walks of life through posts of her three adopted children, Macyn, Truly and August. Her first book,
The Lucky Few
just released from Zondervan. Heather’s family resides in Southern California.
What’s #1 at To Love, Honor and Vacuum?
#1 Post on the Blog: How Cloth Pads and Menstrual Cups Can Seriously Change Your Life
#3
on the Blog Overall: 50 Most Important Bible Verses To Memorize
#2 from Facebook: Why My Husband and I Had A Rough Few Years
#1 from Pinterest: Foreplay Can Be For Him, Too!
Hope you all have a great weekend, everyone!
The post 4 Things Parents of Babies with Down Syndrome Want You To Know appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.
April 20, 2017
How Cloth Pads and Reusable Menstrual Cups Can Seriously Change Your Life
A necessary evil? Kind of uncomfortable? Or just inevitable, so what are you going to do about it?
But what if there are alternatives?
This week I’ve been talking about getting to know our bodies better, and I thought it was time to talk about the way we handle our periods.
Femallay is an awesome company that’s decided to partner with me, and they approached me to talk to you all about some of their products that make sex easier and more fun–like their flavoured vaginal suppositories that help with lubrication. But when I took a look around their website, I was actually really excited about their menstrual products, too, and I thought that I’d talk about those, even before we talk about lubrication (which is a good thing, too!)
So let me tell you about my journey with reusable menstrual products.
It all started in 2007 when we were getting ready to head over to Kenya again as a family, to visit the Mulli Children’s Family. This is an awesome Kenyan-run children’s home, where about 800 minors live full-time (and the home also supports hundreds of graduates, giving tuition to higher education, jobs, and more). Anyway, one of their big problems was menstrual products. They cost the same in Kenya as they do here, even though the average wage is so much lower. So you can imagine how much money they’d have to shell out every month to keep hundreds of girls and female staff members supplied with menstrual products!
So I got a group of women together and we started making reusable cloth pads. They’re super easy–flannel on top, fleece on the bottom, towelling or other material on the inside (you can even use old raincoats cut up!). We had a couple of big sewing parties at my house, and took about a thousand over with us next time we went.
We had an assembly line going at my house with people cutting (that’s actually Rebecca when she was about 13):
And sewing (here’s my mother-in-law!):
Until we had a bunch done.
Then we took them to Kenya with us with tons of material so they could make them, too:
It honestly was one of the most rewarding things I’ve ever done.
A review of natural and reusable menstrual products (to make your period safer & easier!): Click To Tweet
Reusable Cloth Pads Make Your Period More Fun
But while I was doing that, I started to notice: when you can use your own flannel, they’re kind of cute. And they’re soft. And I hated that “plastic” feel of regular pads. So I thought, what if I could wear them, too?
(Here’s where this post may start getting in to the Too Much Information category. Sorry!
