Sheila Wray Gregoire's Blog, page 130

Wifey Wednesday: You Can’t Afford to Live Separate Lives

I don’t believe that God would call you to anything–a ministry, a job–that would cause you and your husband to live separate lives.

I have a lot on my heart this week. Last week I wrote what I think is likely the most important series I’ve ever done on this blog–more important even than my 29 days to great sex. I wrote about how the messages that the Christian church gives women concerning shame and blame for men’s sin so often seriously harm our views of sex, our marriages, and even our view of God. It’s really dangerous, and it needs to stop.

But while I’ve been intellectually fired up about that, on a personal level I’ve been thinking quietly about something else over the last few months.

Recently I watched the Anne Hathaway/Robert DeNiro movie The Intern (which is WONDERFUL, by the way), and one of the underlying plots is that Hathaway’s character has established a super successful online clothing company, and her husband has left his job to run the home and be a stay-at-home dad. But Hathaway is just so busy that their marriage is becoming increasingly distant. Was she right for starting this huge business?

It’s easy to watch that movie and feel like Anne Hathaway made all the wrong choices. But I watched it and thought that her husband did, because Keith and I have been in that same position, twice, with the roles reversed. And we always supported each other.

If God is obviously calling one of you to a job that’s going to require a ton of attention, then the other spouse better get 110% on board with that.

When our children were little, Keith was a super busy pediatrician trying to grow his practice. I decided to stay at home with the kids and look after his billing. There was no point in me being upset when Keith was on call one in two nights. That was part of his job at the time. And what I could do was make sure that when he was home, we had a good time. And I could make sure that things functioned so well at home that he didn’t have a lot of other things to worry about.

At the same time, as my own ministry has gotten so much bigger in the last few years, we realized that we couldn’t each be called to jobs that took so much of our energy. Something had to give. And in this case it was Keith’s job. He’s taken a much more flexible and part-time position, and he’s taken up a ton of the slack at home (though I still do the cooking because I love that!), so that we can still be a unit.

Being a unit trumps everything else.

It really does. And this is one of the HUGE things I tried to hammer home in my book 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage: if you don’t take care to stay a unit, you will drift a part. It’s not you’ll maybe drift, or you might drift. It’s YOU WILL.

One of the reasons Keith and I have always stayed so close, though, is because we always saw ourselves as a unit. We weren’t in competition with each other. Sometimes my dreams were on hold, and sometimes his were. But the one thing that I could never live with was both of us being super busy and growing apart when there was something we could do about it.

I’m not saying that it’s wrong to be a two income family, by the way. Not at all!

But there is a difference between working a 35-hour job and taking a job which consumes much more than 40 hours a week, where you also bring work home, where it saps your emotional and mental energy at home constantly, and where time off is really hard to get. Some jobs become your life. Others are just jobs. And I don’t think it’s possible for two people to each have life-consuming jobs and still stay a unit.

But I’ve been talking about jobs so far. That’s not the only problem.

Ministry can sap your life, too.

When my girls were teenagers I was super involved in one of the youth ministries at our church. It took every Sunday, a bunch of weekends a year, and a ton of emotional energy.

When the girls joined, it became a family activity by default. We didn’t have a lot of weekends together anyway, what with my speaking and Keith’s call schedule, so if the girls were going to be gone for something, we may as well become leaders and make it a family thing. And for eight years, it was one of the central things we did altogether.

I even kept knitting while I was coaching! (Keith was taking this picture, so he was there, too)

I was more involved than Keith, but he was there, and he knew all the politics that often frustrated me. So I could unburden on him when I was super frustrated.

Yet most adults who volunteered there volunteered without their spouses. And over the years I’ve seen a few marriages that have broken up–and one leader in particular leave a spouse to marry another leader in the ministry.

I’m not saying that if you’re involved in a ministry at church that your spouse automatically has to be involved with you.

But if God has called you to serve in a ministry which will eat up much time and energy, He will either call your spouse too, or He will call your spouse to keep the homefires burning.

God does not call us to a ministry that will cause us to grow distant from our spouse.

He just doesn’t.

I’ve seen a lot of people super-involved with ministry get divorced over the last decade, though, and I see a trend. I see people who are in distant marriages, or at least only mildly satisfying ones, who are sad and a little bit bored. And so they throw themselves into something that gives them purpose and that gives them something to focus their energy on so they don’t have to be so focused on an unsatisfying marriage.

These people become the core of the church. They’re looked up to and believed to be really spiritually sound. And they often feel more righteous in the marriage because they, after all, and pursuing God’s kingdom.

And then when the divorce happens, it’s such a surprise to everyone. To the millennials who were in the youth program with my girls, watching the adults who were their leaders make horrible choices has been terribly disillusioning.

Now sometimes you could feel genuinely called to a much needed ministry, but your spouse doesn’t feel the same way, and you feel like they’re holding you back from something God really wants done.

And that could very well be the case. But here’s the cold, hard truth: If you go ahead with something which will take an inordinate amount of your time and energy, and your spouse isn’t on board, it will drive a stake into your marriage. 

You know, I could have had a great job when I was younger, but I gave it up because the thing I wanted, more than anything else, was a close family. I did not want to be stressed out of my gourd because everyone was so busy. Keith could have had a great job now, but he gave it up, because he knew he needed us to stay close. He wasn’t super passionate about this youth program, but he threw himself into it because it was important to the girls and it was important to me, and he wanted us to be a family.

You simply can’t have a close family when everyone is giving 100% to something outside the family. You can’t.

If everyone is focusing on the outside, then there is no cohesiveness anymore.

So I just want to say to those of you who are like the husband in The Intern, seeing your spouse have an amazing opportunity and feeling like you’ve been left behind: Stop it. Suck it up. You’re a unit. Your spouse’s success can be your success. You will each share in this. Get involved! Learn all you can about whatever the business or ministry is. Be the biggest support and cheerleader. His/her success can be yours, too!

And I want to say to those of you who want to go full tilt into a business or ministry opportunity: if your spouse isn’t on board, your family will fall apart.

It just will. I’m not saying there necessarily will be a divorce. But you aren’t going to feel close anymore. You aren’t going to have that ready and easy camaraderie from just sharing and doing life together. There is going to be a distance.

I’ve given up a lot in my life for the sake of other people–my husband, my girls. And I honestly don’t regret it, and at the time it didn’t even really feel like a sacrifice. Because I knew what I wanted most–my family to stay close. And I couldn’t deal with the stress of trying to accomplish that while being pulled in so many different directions.

So if your spouse is obviously being pulled in a direction, then start walking in that direction, too!

Don’t turn around and start walking in the opposite direction because you feel like you’re called there.

How do you decide if the two seem so opposite, and you both feel equally passionate about the callings?

You pray. You wrestle. You cry. But you can’t be happy if you’re both going in two different directions, and I don’t believe that God would ever lead you like that. If you both love God, though, and you both run after Him, eventually it will become clear where God is taking you.

And He is taking you in the same direction–count on it.

Want to make sure you don’t drift apart?

Check out 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage! I tell more about the two periods in our life where we did start to drift, and what we did about it before any major problems occurred.

You can feel like a unit. But it doesn’t happen automatically!

Learn more here.

 

The post Wifey Wednesday: You Can’t Afford to Live Separate Lives appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

10 Tips on Getting Used to Sex Once You’re Married!

How do you adjust to having sex once you’re married–especially if you decided to wait until marriage to have sex?

I know I didn’t make that transition well! And so when a newlywed blogger asked to write this post for me, I thought it would be awesome!

Now, if you’re newly married and sex is going amazingly well, you may not need this. But for those of you who have had some difficulties, I thought it would be great for you to know that you’re not alone. So, for Top 10 Tuesday, here’s Emily from the My Beloved Blog to help us figure out this adjusting to sex stuff:

 

Growing up in church, we talked about sex… a lot. It was never good things, though. I didn’t put two and two together until after high school and once I figured out what sex actually was, I was left with a lot of misconceptions and wrong ideas. I honestly believed condoms were pads for men! Yes, I was that naive.

Last year, I got married. Hooray! I finally felt like I had an idea on what to expect when it came to sex… and then I actually started having sex and realized it was a little more involved than I had originally thought. So, here are my:

10 Things I’ve Learned: Getting Used to “Gettin’ It On..”


10 things to know about how to get adjusted to sex--as a newlywed!Click To Tweet
1. Use Lube.

Seriously, if you want to enjoy having sex and want even more sensation, use LUBE. Some kinds of lube may irritate you though, so experiment and find the type you like best.

2. Laugh.

And laugh some more. Some of our most memorable moments, sexual or not, are ingrained into my mind solely because of laughter. For instance, the first time hubs kissed me (which was both of our first kisses), he grunted, “HEY!” smashed into my face, yawned and left my car without looking back! I was left with a bloody lip and a whole lot of questions. I jokingly added a helmet to our wedding registry, just in case.

3. We have sex issues, and it’s okay.

You will most likely experience some sort of sexual issue at some point in your marriage. For us, it was right from the start. Hubs struggled with erectile dysfunction due to some health problems. A lot of factors go into why a man struggles with ED. I thought it was only an issue in old men, that isn’t the case.

My biggest issue was the birth control method I chose. Because I didn’t know the effects hormonal birth control would have on me, I chose the non-hormonal copper IUD. From day one, I experienced excruciating pain and super-dryness down there (which is a very sad super power). I felt like I needed a lube toolbelt on hand just in case things got hot and heavy. Thankfully, I chose another form of contraception, so I don’t have those issues anymore.

Something I have had to work on is my expectations on sex, especially with our sexual hangups in mind. I can’t expect to have sex twice a day when we struggle with ED. When we were newlyweds, I would expect frequent sex and in turn, be frequently disappointed. ED is a hard issue to face for husbands- it’s emasculating and embarrassing. When I continually bring up the fact that I want sex or that I am not having enough sex, it put hubs in tough place. He wants nothing more for his body to work correctly and I have to constantly remind myself that he isn’t keeping sex from me to deprive of my needs.

4. Discouragement isn’t fun. Don’t let it set the tone for your sex life.

I was faced with a lot of discouragement right off the bat. We said our vows, moved to a brand-new city and everything seemed to just fall apart. I expected to have sex multiple times a week and after the honeymoon, it all changed. We would have sex for what seemed like hours and no one would orgasm (no one has to, though). Sex would just end with two exhausted, very disappointed sighs. I felt like I had a lifetime ahead of me of boring, ugly, unsatisfying sex. Sex definitely has a learning curve, you’re not going to be a pro at sex when you’re first starting out. My ideas on sex were on the opposite end of the spectrum from hubs. We have to come to agreements, even now, on how frequently we have sex.

Though rejection never feels good, I am learning to show grace. Sometimes no means, “not now.” Other times, when I’m ready to go but hubs’s body isn’t cooperating, I have to show grace. Sex may not happen the way I envisioned it, but I can still receive the intimacy I yearn for, in different ways.

5. Try new things.

Try all the things. Find new positions, get frisky in new places, turn on some music. The options are endless when it comes to sex with your spouse. I am a huge believer that if the two of you are consenting adults, go nuts. Obviously, we want to stick within Biblical guidelines, but other than that, have fun.

Also, A LOT of women (like 75% of us) can only orgasm by clitoral stimulation. If you are the lucky 25% that can orgasm through penetration, props to you. But, if you’re like me, don’t feel bad (or let hubs feel bad) that you can’t orgasm through penetration! A fun trick I have learned is to guide hubs’s hands or mouth to places I want to be kissed and touched. Hubs is happy to go anywhere I enjoy

Reader Question: What Do I Do If My Boyfriend Won’t Propose?

What do you do if your boyfriend just doesn’t seem that interested in getting married?

Last week was a big one–I spent the week tackling the idea that every man will lust, and I’m excited to get back to the regular swing of things!

Today we’re answering a reader question about how to actually go from dating to married. We’ve talked a lot about how to find someone, what signs to look for that signal “he’s a good man,” and the like, but we’ve been getting lots of reader questions asking for more specific advice. A lot of the questions are like this one:

I just came across your blog and have been really encouraged by it. I’m a single girl in my 20s and was intrigued by your relationship story – I understand your blog is mainly aimed at married women, but wondered if you’d consider more content on how you got from single to married – e.g. How you decided to marry your husband and general dating advice. And maybe how you handled general dating anxieties. Thanks again for your godly wisdom.

Good question! I’m taking a break today, so I’m handing this one over to Rebecca.

Take it away!

Okay, so you’ve found a guy. You’re dating. You think he’s a good guy and would make a great husband. So how do you actually get from girlfriend to wife when he doesn’t seem too eager to propose? 

I’m not gonna lie: I had it easy when it came to getting married. I experienced my fair share of rejection before I met Connor, but both of us knew from the beginning of our relationship that we wanted to end up together. But for a lot of couples, that’s not the case. Instead, many women are caught in relationships with men they love but who don’t seem too interested in popping the question any time soon.

And that’s hard. And it’s even worse when you see women after these relationships break apart, having given sometimes 6 or 7 of her best dating years to a guy who never even considered marrying her.

So I thought today I’d try to help. It’s a tough question, though, so let me know in the comments what you’d add.

Here are 3 things to keep in mind if you want to get married, but he doesn’t seem too eager:

When Your Boyfriend Won't Propose: What to do if the relationship is going nowhereClick To Tweet
1. You need to openly communicate what you want from the relationship

If you want to get married, you’ve been dating for a long time, and he’s not making any moves, tell him what you want. It’s perfectly acceptable to say, “I really love you, I think we are amazing together, and I am just wondering if you think this relationship is heading towards marriage, or if that’s a road you don’t want to go down with me.” This isn’t a “trap-him-in-the-corner-until-he-proposes” conversation–it’s simply a question. He could say, “Yes, but I’m not ready right now and I don’t think I’ll be ready for a while.” And then you can talk about whether or not that works for you. But whatever his answer is, at least you know.

So many women are afraid to admit to their boyfriends that they want to be married. But it’s much better to have an awkward conversation than to be in a relationship that’s going nowhere.

2. Work on becoming the kind of woman who would make an amazing wife

Marriage is a big deal. A guy wants to know that the woman he marries is going to be able to be a partner he can depend on. I know many people who waited to propose longer than they would have liked to because their girlfriends hadn’t moved out of their parents’ homes yet, or hadn’t ever had a job before. They wanted to make sure that they were mature enough for a marriage. And that’s only fair–we have similar expectations for men.

The flip side of this is that even when a woman is completely ready for marriage, lots of guys still aren’t thinking about proposing. In these situations, when a guy won’t propose many girls react by moving in with their boyfriends, hoping that will show them “We work so well together–marriage would be amazing!”

But for a lot of guys, moving in together removes almost all incentive to get married. It’s sad, but it’s true.

Settling for less than you want from life for a chance that he’ll finally get on board with the whole marriage thing just isn’t a good idea. Instead, work on becoming the best version of yourself you can be without compromising your values–the “you” that God made you to be. That way, with or without your boyfriend, you’re getting closer to God and better understanding yourself. Both of which are important traits for adult life, single or married.

If you want to get MARRIED, don't waste years with a boyfriend who doesn't.Click To Tweet
3. Some guys just aren’t worth your time

Listen, if you’re a good person who is dating a guy who just doesn’t want to marry you, that is not on you. Some guys just aren’t worth your time, and that’s hard to accept. Especially if you’re really in love with him.

I really wish I had an easy answer for these situations. But I don’t. So instead, I just want to say this:

Your identity, your worth, is so much greater than what a guy does or does not think of you. Whether or not you get married, whether or not he’s the one who marries you–you are still who God created you to be. And he didn’t create you to waste your time on boys who don’t respect you. You have been created for a purpose. And if getting married is a part of that plan, don’t waste your twenties on men who aren’t interested in that path. If he doesn’t want to marry you, that’s not on you–that’s on him.

God didn't create you to waste time on boys who don't respect you.Click To Tweet

So please remember: even if you get married to the man of your dreams, your worth isn’t found there. It never was, it never will be. Your worth is in God, so don’t be afraid to say “no” to people who just don’t see that.

What advice do you have for women in relationships that don’t seem to be going anywhere? Let’s talk about it in the comments–this is a tricky one!

The post Reader Question: What Do I Do If My Boyfriend Won’t Propose? appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

Why “Don’t Be a Stumbling Block” is A Really Bad Modesty Message

How many times have you heard calls for women to dress modestly in terms of “you don’t want to be a stumbling block”?

Phew. This has been a tiring week on the blog–and I knew it would be. I’ve been talking about how the idea that all men will lust is wrong, and how we need to reframe the way we talk about lust and sex.

Today I want to end this topic and move on (I’m so looking forward to our July Sizzling Summer Sex series!).

But there is one more thing I really need to deal with, and it’s the idea that women can “cause a man to sin” by what they wear.

Today, let’s look at what Scripture actually says, and find a healthier way to talk about modesty that accomplishes our goals of getting both genders to act respectfully towards each other.

Sex is supposed to be stupendous--physically, emotionally, AND spiritually.

If it's not, get The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex--and find out what you've been missing.

The post Why “Don’t Be a Stumbling Block” is A Really Bad Modesty Message appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

How Can We Talk about Men’s Sexual Needs in a Healthy Way?

What do you do if you’re a husband, and your wife really isn’t interested in sex? How do you get her to understand men’s sexual needs?

This has been a really heavy week on the blog. I’ve been attacking the message that we often hear in certain conservative circles that men are so visually stimulated that they will lust, and that we women must therefore cover up to help these guys.

I believe that message is the wrong one.

But I also think that, if I were a guy in a sex-starved marriage reading all of these posts, I’d get really nervous.

It was never my intention to “let women off the hook” from having sex in marriage this week, and I tried, in each post, to put a disclaimer to that effect and point to more posts where I did encourage a healthy sex life.

And today I want to continue this series with this: I’ve been talking about what we SHOULDN’T be saying about men’s sexual needs. But, then, what’s the solution? What is the RIGHT message?

To you guys who may have felt uncomfortable this week, please, please understand that I’m actually on your side! I do think sex needs to be more frequent and passionate in marriage. But here’s the truth: I think that the way that we often portray men’s sex drives and talk about lust actually makes the sex-starved marriage problem worse.

And so I want to explore that dynamic today, and then present you with what I think is a much more positive message that honours God, honours husbands, and honours wives.

First, though, let’s go back to that guy in that sex-starved marriage (or at least sex-deprived marriage). He’s desperate. He feels as if he’s tried everything. He’s begged and cajoled. He’s done the housework, put the kids to bed, given her a massage. He’s tried talking and learning love languages. And still sex isn’t happening. 

So what is he supposed to do?

Well, in the last twenty years sexuality has become a much bigger topic in churches, largely because it’s become such a huge topic in the wider culture, and the church has had to respond. And pastors talk to these men all the time who aren’t getting enough sex. And so pastors ask themselves, “How can we solve this sex-starved marriage problem?”

Maybe if women just understood how their husbands were feeling, and understood that sex should not be an optional part of marriage, then they would have more sex! So sermon series are done on how bad a problem lust is for men, and how men need wives to have sex. Pastors focus on 1 Corinthians 7:3-5, on the “do not deprive” verses.

At the same time, the church has been rightly concerned about the plague of pornography. And so we start preaching about porn and lust, and we start warning everybody what a HUGE problem this is–it’s “every man’s battle“. And we tell teenage girls and women that they need to make it easier on men by what they wear. Then, to wives, they say, “you need to have sex more so he won’t lust.”

Now wives will start having sex, right? Because now they understand men’s experiences! So things will be better.

What I contend is that, by and large, this approach actually exacerbates the problem.


When we tell wives 'have sex or your husband may lust' we make the sex starved marriage problem worseClick To Tweet

And to explain this, I want to share what women experience. We’ve heard about men’s experiences being visually stimulated and having to withstand pornography and stay pure in this culture. Now let’s talk about women’s experiences.

To start, a question to the men reading this: How many of you have a rape prevention strategy?

If you ask that question to any female over the age of 12, she will tell you all the things that are going through her mind constantly, whether she’s in a subway, walking on a road at night, or in the parking lot of a grocery store walking to her car. She is always aware of what’s going on around her, and always trying to avoid rape.

I taught my girls how to know when to cross to the other side of the road; when to turn around and start walking in the other direction; how to hold your keys to protect yourself. These are things that we women do automatically. It is constant. It is pervasive. It never, ever goes away. Sexual violence is always in the background of our lives.

So let’s picture a young teenage girl, who is forming her rape prevention strategies. She simultaneously has to accept living in a culture which completely objectifies her. In the grocery store magazines blast pictures of women’s breasts, and she knows she’ll never measure up. She develops body image issues that never entirely go away. And she also knows that men look. A lot.

This girl then goes to youth group, where she and her friends are separated from the boys for “purity talks“. She is told that boys will lust after her, and so when they go to pool parties, she needs to wear a T-shirt to stop all of the boys from stumbling. She’s told that she has to watch what she wears in church, because she can cause her brothers in Christ to sin, and not just her fellow teens, but adult men, too. And that presumably includes even the pastor and the elders. They must be staring at her chest, too.

Then there’s a good chance that this girl is also a victim of sexual abuse, sexual assault, or date rape.

In college, she starts serving on the praise team, playing guitar. She is told to wear pants, and never skirts, especially ones at the knees, because men in the front row may try to look up her skirt, and all men will be distracted by her legs. Oh, and don’t ever let cleavage show, or else men won’t be able to worship while she’s standing up there. She wonders whether she really wants to be on the praise team after all.

Fast forward a few years and she gets married. For any number of reasons, sex isn’t going very well. Maybe the two just never figured out how to make it feel good; maybe she’s ashamed of sex; maybe she doesn’t have much of a sex drive; maybe she’s always exhausted. Whatever the reason, sex becomes not very frequent. In fact, to be honest, she finds it a bit of an invasion. There are times when she knows that he “needs” it, but it feels very wrong that he can get that much pleasure when she’s just lying there. It feels like he’s using her. He’s actually inside of her, and she quite often feels absolutely nothing. But this is supposed to be the ultimate “act of love”. It doesn’t compute at all.

Then she starts to hear sermons about how if she doesn’t have sex, her husband will lust after other women. She’s told that God made her to fulfill her husband’s sexual needs, and if she doesn’t meet them, he’s likely to look elsewhere, or at least be really, really, really tempted to look elsewhere.

And let me ask you men, honestly: If you were her, given her background, would that message make her more likely to want to have sex, or less likely to want to have sex?

She has spent her whole life in this culture being objectified and having sexual violence as a constant background noise. And then she is told that God wants her to let her husband use her, so that her husband won’t sin. Now it feels as if God is objectifying her, too. It feels as if God is coercing her into sex. It feels as if no one actually cares that this is HER body (in fact, she’s told again and again that her body belongs to her husband).

So now sex is something very distasteful. It isn’t about her at all. It’s absolutely and only about her husband getting his needs met so that he will stay happy in the marriage. No one actually cares about the fact that he is literally entering her body. She is completely and utterly alone.

Believe me, that is what many women experience when the church starts stressing the “men will always lust” message.

Part of my contention in The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex is that the church has come to see sex with the same error the world does: they are framing sex as solely a physical thing. The world obviously portrays sex as only about pleasure and not about commitment. But when the church then gives similar messages–about men’s sexual needs, and about lust–it makes the same error.

I am not saying that men don’t  have physical needs. They absolutely do! But that is not the whole story. 

And to have a message that will help couples have a healthy sex life, we need to start telling God’s whole story.


There's a healthier way to address the sex-starved marriage problem than promoting obligation sex.Click To Tweet

I did that in The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and I’m going to vastly summarize it here.

But if I were that pastor, talking to men who were legitimately desperately for more sex in marriage, and women who were ambivalent about sex in marriage, I would say this:

God created us to be passionate. One of the ways He did that was to create sex–that ultimate “knowing” of someone else, not just physically, but emotionally and spiritually, too. God created us so that physically, we can actually lose control and feel the height of human pleasure with one single person. And that unique, personal experience is so intimate.

The problem is that this isn’t automatic. He made women so that they would actually take a little longer to warm up, so that husbands would have to learn to woo their wives and wives would have to communicate about what feels good. He made women so that they’re not physically aroused as easily, so that the couple would have to work on communication and affection so that they felt close in all areas of their lives before sex actually works. That way sex will never become only physical, which is its danger. It will be able to be all of those other things, too!

The danger for many men is that sex is so easy that they may take shortcuts, and miss out on the passion that God really designed us for–mutual passion where it’s about far more than something just physical, and it’s a true “making love”, not just having sex. The danger for many women is that sex can be so difficult that they may give up altogether, or figure that it’s just not worth the effort. 

But let me ask you this: If God made something to be this incredible, why would you want to miss out on that? God created you for passion; never, ever settle for less!

If sex isn’t that in your marriage yet, that’s okay. It can be the most fun research project you’ll ever do together! But let me assure you: even if it takes time to get there, there is nothing as beautiful on this earth as feeling totally and utterly physically and spiritually connected to another human being who loves you and cherishes you.  Don’t miss out on it. It will keep your marriage so strong. It will help you feel so loved and so relaxed. And it will be one of the best parts of your life, if you both give it the attention it deserves and you both learn to give. 

Men: Want a way to talk to your wife from this perspective? I have a post on how to talk to her about intimacy here.

Women: Want to understand more about how men’s needs truly aren’t just physical? Read this one on enthusiastic sex!

Let’s focus on truly “knowing” each other and cherishing each other.

To be honest, if I were a guy reading that message, I’d still be nervous. I think I’d rather have that guilt message, because it sounds more urgent. Women need to hear how big a deal this really is, and all this “airy fairy sex can be lovely” message doesn’t have the same punch.

But let me assure you, as a woman: This is a far better message. It calls us to something higher, something better. It points to a God who loves us, not a God who wants us to feel guilty or used. It points to mutually satisfying sex that is for both of us, not sex that was created primarily for one person.

It is not only more effective from a female point of view;  It is kinder. It is more loving. And it is also more in line with how God made sex.

Women have been asked to be so sympathetic about men’s struggles. We’ve been asked to understand what it is to be a guy. What I’m asking for today is some balance. Please, men, try to understand what it is to be a woman, trying to have a healthy sex life, when all the messages we hear from the culture and often from the pulpit do everything to undermine that. And then ask: could we possibly start talking about this in a different way so that we can honour women, too?

Other Posts in this Series:

Monday: Why “All Men Are Visual” Doesn’t Mean that All Men Lust

Tuesday: How the “Every Man’s Battle” Message Can Backfire

Wednesday: 12 Ways to Help Christian Men Overcome Lust

Tomorrow: Let’s Stop Talking about Modesty in terms of “Don’t Cause Him to Sin”

 

 

 

 

The post How Can We Talk about Men’s Sexual Needs in a Healthy Way? appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

12 Ways to Help Christian Men Overcome Lust

For twenty years now Christians have been inundated with news about “every man’s battle” and how every man struggles with lust.

But what if our approach is part of the problem?

People live up to their expectations. If you constantly tell men, “all men lust”, then when they start to lust, they figure it’s normal. There’s very little they can do about it.

I believe that because we talk about how all men struggle with lust, we’re creating the situation where most men struggle with lust.

It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy. And that’s likely why, in my limited research, I’ve found that men who became Christians after their teen years seem to struggle with porn and lust far less than guys who grew up in the church. They weren’t taught that lust is normal. They were taught, in general, that treating women as people was normal.

That’s condition #1 that can lead to lust. Here’s condition #2:

Churches are so afraid of lust that they often do their best to separate men and women.

But as we learned on Monday, men are more likely to get aroused when they focus on certain body parts rather than when they focus on the whole person. Get to know a woman in context, learn to see her as a person, and lust is far less common. What if our two solutions to lust–talking about it all the time and separating men and women–are both making lust more common?

It stands to reason, then, that if we change the expectations around lust, and if we help men and women develop relationships that are focused on seeing each other as brothers and sisters in Christ, then we can start doing some serious damage to the lust problem many men have.

So let’s look at 12 ways to help men overcome lust:

12 Ways to Help Men Overcome Lust (and they're totally not what you'd think!): Click To Tweet
1. Stop talking about “every man’s battle” and start talking about Christ in you

Yes, many men struggle with lust. But not all do. And whatever we focus on expands. Are we focusing on the sin, or are we focusing on Christ? In the parable of the sower, many seeds failed to grow well because they were choked by the weeds. Instead of focusing on the sun, they looked at all the trouble around them. When we make lust sound like it’s inevitable–like it’s something that every guy will face and will never really defeat–then we lose the battle before we engage. But if we teach people to look to the power of the Holy Spirit in all aspects of their lives, then they will feel like the battle with lust is one that they can win.

2. Treat men who don’t struggle with lust as the ideal, not as bogeymen who don’t exist

When I make a comment that I know men who can go to a beach and not lust after anyone, I am often told that I am wrong. I don’t really know those men’s hearts. I am a woman and I don’t really understand, and those men are lying to me. All guys struggle.

And I am often told this by Christian leaders.

Jesus did not struggle with lust. Paul did not struggle with lust. As I showed yesterday, the Bible presents a lust-free life as the normal condition for a redeemed man. So let’s start talking about real men being men who see women as whole people, not real men being men who struggle with lust.

3. Stop telling teenage boys that they will definitely struggle with lust and porn

Boys need to be equipped to deal with the pull that porn may bring, and they need to be told that they may struggle when they start to notice girls’ bodies.

But let’s not make the mistake of portraying the problem as bigger than the solution.

Yes, they may struggle–but they may not. And Jesus is bigger than any of their temptations (1 Corinthians 10:13). Warn them about the temptations, yes, but always temper that with the bigger idea that they can battle and win anything with the Holy Spirit’s help. Pair any teaching about lust with stories about guys who have victory.

4. Draw a distinction between lusting and noticing a woman is beautiful

Too many boys think there are only two alternatives: either you find a girl ugly, or you are lusting. But what if there’s another option? What if you simply notice a girl is attractive, and it doesn’t go any further? Let’s be careful not to confuse noticing beauty with lusting. If we make boys and men believe that if they see something beautiful they must automatically turn away because that’s just plain dangerous, then they’ll be constantly paranoid and never able to have normal conversations with women.

We also need to tell them that normal sexual desire and normal feelings are not lust. When a guy starts having sexual feelings, it does not mean he is sinning. When we heap guilt when there is no sin, we make it seem as if it’s impossible to overcome real sin.

Noticing a woman is beautiful does not mean a guy is lusting! Let's stop heaping shame.Click To Tweet
5. Stop warning women and girls not to “cause men to sin”

When my daughter Katie was 11, she was warned by a kind-hearted Sunday School teacher who meant well that now that she was developing, she was going to have to watch what she wore, because men might look down her shirt.

It took quite a while for her father and I to calm her down and convince her that not all adult men at our church were perverts trying to see her new training bra.

And as I told on Monday, we frequently blame women’s and girl’s clothing choices for causing men to sin–even if those girls are only 13.

When we talk about women causing men to sin, we lay the blame for lust at women’s feet and make it less likely that men will feel the need to fight lust. It’s a losing battle, and only women’s actions can keep men’s thoughts from straying. As I showed yesterday, that’s entirely unbiblical. If an adult man is lusting after my 11-year-old daughter, I’m pretty sure I know who is to blame. And if a guy can’t worship God because a female seeker has come to church in a tight sundress, then the problem is not with her. We need to be very, very clear about that.

6. Start talking about how all of us should respect ourselves and honour God in our clothing choices

At the same time, all of us can honour each other in how we dress. But we can do this without laying the blame for sin at women’s feet. Let’s change the conversation so that it’s no longer about “stopping a guy from stumbling” or “not causing him to sin”, and it’s instead about honouring God.

If we all asked these three questions:

Who am I dressing for?
What is the first impression someone looking at me will have?
Am I a good ambassador for Jesus? Do I look approachable, friendly, and appropriate?,

then we wouldn’t have problems with how people dressed (I’ll be talking about this more on Friday!).

We can have a modesty message that does not shame or lay the blame for men's sin at women's feet.Click To Tweet
7. Make any dress code rules apply to both genders.

When we make dress codes only for women, we reinforce the idea that women are dangerous and men will lust if women don’t behave. Besides, men can make inappropriate clothing choices, too. That’s why those three questions should also apply to BOTH men and women, to BOTH girls and boys. Just as bikinis aren’t wise choices at youth group pool parties, perhaps guys could be asked to wear T-shirts, too. Or just as mini-skirts may give a bad first impression to people, so slouchy jeans may as well. If we are going to make dress codes, then they should not be focused on only one gender. They should focus on how all of us can honour Christ.

8. Make sure there are strong female youth group leaders

As soon as boys enter puberty and start having sexual thoughts, it needs to be reinforced to them that females are more than just objects of sexual temptation. They are people who can lead; who can be respected; who are wise.

9. Encourage more co-ed church activities to make it easier for strong, platonic friendships to form

Too often churches gender segregate most activities, especially for adults. But the more we separate the genders, the more we define ourselves almost entirely in terms of our gender. We don’t see each other as people; we see each other as men and women. It is healthy to develop friendships with the opposite sex (especially in couples, when you are married) that are platonic.

When we divide all church activities by gender, we sexualize women & worsen problems with lust.Click To Tweet
10. Honour women for their intelligence, ideas, and creativity

Similarly, don’t relegate women to only childcare roles or roles where they serve men. Put women on some committees and listen to their ideas. Make it normal that your church sees the whole person that God created, rather than sees her simply as an appendage for men or as an object that men may use or be tempted by.

11. Do not put up obstacles to women breastfeeding in church

A side-effect of all this modesty talk is that women’s bodies are seen as sexual. No matter what. So breast-feeding in church is often off the table.

Interestingly, it is only in church today that this is the case. This gives the impression that while “the world” thinks breastfeeding is okay, we Christians know that breasts are really off-limits, because they’re absolutely and inherently sexual, all the time, even when an infant is attached to them.

It sexualizes women’s body parts all the more.

Let’s make the expectation that men can be real men and honour women, especially when they are feeding children.

12. Do not try to keep young boys from seeing our culture

No matter how many “t-shirts over bathing suits” rules you try to enforce, your sons live in the real world. They’re going to see models in lingerie stores in the mall, they’re going to grow up to work with women who wear tight or low-cut clothing, and they’re going to go to the beach where girls are running around in bikinis.

When you shelter kids from things, those things become taboo. And when something is strictly forbidden, it ironically becomes the spotlight (the “don’t think of a pink elephant” phenomenon.) If you are constantly avoiding anything that could “cause your son to lust”, or make a fuss or get offended when any girl is wearing something inappropriate, you’re doing your son a disservice. Instead, ignore it, walk by the potential distraction, and keep your conversation or activity going no matter who or what’s around. That teaches your son, “It’s OK if there are attractive girls around–they don’t need to be the focus. They have no power, you can make that decision yourself.”

I believe that if we change the expectations around lust, we can free both men and women.

For the last three days I hope I’ve contributed to that conversation. I’ve talked about how the “men are visually stimulated” idea has been wrongly twisted to say that all men will inevitably lust over women they see in passing. I’ve talked about how women have the right to expect that their husbands won’t lust. And today I’ve tried to show 12 changes that churches can make to start winning the battle with lust. Tomorrow I’ll be summarizing everything with a healthier way to talk about lust and sex.

I’d like to end today’s post with an observation a male commenter left a few years ago on my post about how we’re abusing the Christian modesty message. I think it’s very insightful, and a great way to wrap all of this up:

I was in my early twenties before I could look at a young woman without some sense of paranoia that I might end up stumbling. After all, I was trained all of my life that there was a fine line between finding someone to be beautiful and turning her into a sex object in your mind. In fact, it was much better that I avoid the line altogether and, somehow, refrain from allowing myself to find a girl attractive until the wedding night – at which point I was expected to go from hiding in a cave to launching into space. I was taught, like most Christian boys, that we are not really in control of our sexuality or desires. Avoidance is the only option – something that is impossible in modern times.

Of course, the female body, in certain contexts, was meant to be titillating. It was also meant to be simply beautiful. When I am entranced by a sunset or left speechless by the Rockies, I am not tempted to objectify them as something I want to conquer, own, or plunder. I simply appreciate the beauty of God’s handiwork. Can I not do the same with women? Can I not see them as beautiful, appreciate that, all without objectifying or lusting after them?

Yes. Yes I can. I know because I do.

Instead of doing some odd head dance in a mall to avoid seeing anything attractive, I can look the world full in the face, appreciate its diversity, nuances, and beauty, and rejoice in the same. Victoria’s Secret stores, once seen as a black hole of evil, no longer bother me. Of course, it is certainly helpful that everywhere I go doesn’t look like the beaches of Brazil. However, unlike what I was taught, I am in control of my sexuality. I decide what to do with what I see – to be saddened, to objectify, to sexualize, or to simply see as beauty. I can pass by or interact with someone I find attractive without turning them into a object of sexual desire. I am a man redeemed by Christ. Not a boy who can’t help what he thinks about what he sees. So, to the church, stop telling me that I’m a helpless sex fiend who’s better off with a blindfold. Teach me of beauty apart from sexuality. Teach me that my mind can be used to see women as imago Dei rather than objects of temptation. Teach me how to control what I do with my thoughts and what I see rather than sending me on a lifelong fool’s errand of avoiding all thoughts and keeping my eyes on my feet (or in space). Teach me strength and mastery rather than cowardice. Teach me these things and you might have less men who live with the idea that they are one-thought creatures, and less women who are shamed into hiding.

Amen.

Other posts in this series:

Monday: Why the “Men are Visual” Fact Should Not Mean that All Men Lust

Tuesday: Why Calling Lust “Every Man’s Battle” Backfires

Tomorrow: How Can We Have a Sex-Positive, Non-Shaming Message about Sex and Lust?

Friday: Let’s Have a Modesty Message that Isn’t Focused on “Not Causing Him to Sin”

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Why Every Man’s Battle Backfires: We Should Expect Men Not to Lust

Women, you are not living in a dream world if you want to be married to a guy who doesn’t lust.

It is perfectly reasonable, and utterly biblical, to expect that your husband will not lust after other women–or at least will actively fight a battle with this temptation so that he will eventually win over it.

This week we’re dismantling the argument that “men are visually stimulated” necessarily means that “all men will lust” and that this is “every man’s battle”. That does so much damage to women’s self-esteem, and to men’s ability to withstand lust.

I know a lot of men who read this blog struggle with lust. I want you to know that this series is not meant to shame you–if anything, I hope this encourages you to know that your battle is one that can be won! This post is more of a rant against how we’ve talked about lust in churches, not a condemnation of the many men who are currently fighting the fight. My heart and prayers are with you!

Yesterday we saw how psychological studies do not actually say that lust is “every man’s battle”. Now let’s look at the Bible.

To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

Men are Visual: But Does That Mean That All Men Lust?

Does the fact that “men are visually stimulated” mean that all men will struggle with lust?

That’s certainly the way it’s commonly presented. We hear things like “Every man’s battle” talking about how the biggest struggle all men face is battling lust. We’re told that women have to dress a certain way or they will cause men to lust. And women simply can’t understand how bad it is for men, so we should accept it and deal with it.

What if that approach is wrong? What if it’s not just unbiblical, but it’s also a misrepresentation of the psychological research, too? And what if that whole approach has actually made the problem of lust worse?

That’s what we’re going to spend the next three days looking at. Last week I wrote a post on Facebook arguing that if we honestly think that a man can’t worship well in church if there are women showing cleavage, then perhaps we have a bigger problem than the women showing the cleavage?

When I was talking about modesty recently on the radio, the topic of women wearing distracting clothing to church came…

Posted by To Love, Honor and Vacuum on Sunday, June 11, 2017

That post went crazy. This is obviously something that struck a nerve. And so I thought it was time to flesh it out.

On Mondays I usually share a reader question, but I’m going to start the discussion by sharing a comment from that post. One longtime reader (love you, Misty!) wrote:

A woman I used to go to church with posted a FB rant about a teenage girl wearing a short skirt to church which she said caused her husband to “lust”.

1) your husband is a pedophile (the girl was 13-14)

2) if your husband is “lusting” with you standing right there and while in the sanctuary then he is so far gone that you can barely see him on the horizon.

I completely agree with Misty. And yet, that poor woman disparaging that young girl has believed the “men are visual and thus will lust” argument hook, line and sinker.

So here’s what we’re going to do. Today we’re going to look at what “men are visually stimulated” actually means by studying the research. Tomorrow we’re going to look at why it’s biblically perfectly reasonable for a wife to expect that her Christian husband won’t lust. Then on Wednesday we’re going to look at 12 ways we can help Christian men stop lusting (and they’re not what you think!) On Thursday I’ll wrap up with a post on what a healthier message regarding men’s sex drives and sex in marriage is.

What does 'men are visually stimulated' really mean? Do all guys therefore lust?Click To Tweet
But first: What is “lust”?

When I’m talking about lust, I’m not talking about normal desires, like an engaged couple who is struggling not to succumb to temptation by sleeping together before marriage. I’m not talking about the sexual frustration that singles experience, or even some marrieds can experience during periods of sexual drought.

I’m talking about the idea that a man will see a woman who is not his wife and will fixate on certain body parts, automatically become aroused and start mentally undressing her or imagining he was doing things with her.

There’s a continuum that goes something like this:

A man notices a woman is attractive.
A man fixates on certain body parts for the purposes of sexual stimulation.
A man mentally undresses her or imagines things with her.

The first is not a sin. (Let me reiterate that: there’s nothing wrong with noticing that someone else is attractive! There’s nothing even wrong with noticing that someone has a good figure! That just means that you have eyes). But the latter two certainly are.

So when we’re talking about lust, we’re talking about men deliberately entertaining thoughts about a woman’s body, not simply noticing that she is pretty.

Do men lust automatically because they’re visually stimulated?

Men are visual compared to women. Psychological research has shown that when men are aroused, the visual portions of their brains are lit up, whereas when women are aroused, the relationship centers of our brains are lit up. We really do relate to sex in different ways!

I absolutely believe that.

But I also think that too many people have misrepresented what the psychological research says, and made it say more than it does. 

It is one thing to say:

For most men, arousal results primarily from visual stimulation

and quite another thing to say:

When a guy sees visual stimulation, he’ll become sexually aroused

Do you see the distinction? Psychological research definitely says the former. Yet whole doctrines on women’s modesty have been written assuming the latter. That’s quite the leap. One says that men will tend to become aroused by cleavage or seeing sexual imagery. The other says that when a man sees a pretty woman’s body, he can’t help but become aroused. He can’t help but lust. It’s the natural reaction.

But what if that’s simply not true?

Dr. Gian Gonzaga from UCLA did a study where he asked university students to (a) pick a picture of a person they found attractive and then (b) write two essays, one where the participant thought about their partner in a lustful way and then another where they thought about their partner in a loving way. If, at any point while writing the essay, the participant thought of the picture they picked instead of their significant other, they put a little check mark in the margins of their essay. The funny thing is that when the participants were remembering a loving memory, their number of check marks dropped significantly. More than that, they were less able to remember why they thought the person was so attractive in the first place! Our mindset, whether we’re focusing on lust or on love and relationship, impacts whether or not we are at risk to lust after other people.

As well, studies have shown that both men and women tend to focus on women’s body parts more than the woman as a whole. We don’t do that for men, though. Gervais and colleagues found that when they showed non-sexualized images of men and women to undergraduate students and then showed them two images, side by side, where one image had slightly altered the chest or waist of the model, people weren’t very good at picking out the right one for men, but had a much higher success rate with women. We have programmed our brains to see women as parts, but to see men as whole beings. 

See, we have two types of processing: global and local. Global processing means we take the whole picture into account. Local processing happens when we focus on the parts that make up the whole (e.g., recognizing a house by the front door). When people look at men, they see the whole person and don’t focus so much on individual body parts. When we look at women, though, our brains pick apart that woman and scrutinize each individual aspect. And here’s the thing: women do it just as much as men! The good news is that with one simple task it was easy to train students to use global processing for women, too, and the researchers concluded that this is a habit that could be easily unlearned.

Men are visual, but lots of things affect how men react to that stimulation

Lust is not automatic. Or, even if it is right now for some men, it doesn’t need to stay that way. When men are vigilant in remaining loving to their wives and focus on nurturing that love, other women have little effect on them, and when men train themselves to see women as whole people rather than body parts, struggles with lust are far less common.

Being visually stimulated should not mean that all guys will automatically lust at the beach.Click To Tweet

Quite frankly, to get back to that man who “lusted” because of the 13-year-old in a miniskirt:

If he was a decent guy she should have been able to walk buck naked in front of him and his only thought should have been one of pity for her. 

He knew her personally and he knew she was 13. Lust is a choice. What he did was not “normal” or “automatic”. It was degrading, disgusting, and bordering on pedophilia. So why do we believe that a 13-year-old girl can “cause a man to sin” just by wearing a short skirt?

Are we treating lust as if because it’s natural, it’s almost good?

With the way we talk about the struggle–like it’s “every man’s battle” and “men are naturally visually stimulated” and “a man is wired to react to a pretty girl”, then it almost seems like we’re saying that if a guy gets turned on by strangers, that’s simply the way God made him. Indeed, if a guy doesn’t struggle with lust, then maybe he’s not a real man?

Lust is not seen as something that’s a sin as much as it is something that’s hard wired into all man. I sometimes get the feeling reading certain authors and blogs that part of “biblical manhood” is being obsessed with certain female body parts. But this isn’t what the Bible says:

For everything in the world—the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life—comes not from the Father but from the world. (1 John 2:16)

God didn’t make men to lust. That isn’t a “normal” or “good” part of being a guy.

God didn't make men to lust. That isn't a 'normal' or 'good' part of being a guy.Click To Tweet
But come on, Sheila. Lots of guys do struggle with lust.

Yes, they do. And I in no way mean to disparage those guys.

In fact, if you are actively doing battle with lust right now, I applaud you. If you are in a battle, then you are deliberately struggling against sin. And the fact that you’re fighting is a victory in itself!

And so I want to give you hope.

That’s really my whole aim in this series of posts: to give both men and women hope that lust can be overcome.

To the men, I’d say this: Yes, many men struggle with lust. Yes, you have a greater propensity towards that than your wife likely does. But please know that this is NOT every man’s non-ending battle. While lots of guys struggle with lust, not every guy does. Please know that there are men who honestly have overcome this struggle, or even who never battled it much at all. It is possible to have a high sex drive and not be overcome by all the women around you.

You can beat this. It isn’t inevitable. You were not created to lust, and God didn’t pull a bait and switch, creating you to automatically sin and then getting mad at you when you do.

Your struggle is real, just like people’s struggle with overeating or with gambling or with alcohol. But God promises that you can get through it (1 Corinthians 10:13). Even though everyone around you may tell you it’s inevitable, it’s really not.

What happens when we assume that all men lust?

If this is everybody’s battle, then it’s a battle no one can really win. You are virtually helpless. And then it becomes so much easier to blame other people for your sin–like the poor 13-year-old who made a bad clothing choice.

If we portray lust as 'every man's battle', then we say it's a battle that no man can really win.Click To Tweet

And maybe that belief, in and of itself, is what makes the battle with lust so much worse. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that the states with the highest rates of pornography use are also those states where the ultra-conservative wings of Christianity and Mormonism dominate–the ones that talk about “every man’s battle” the most. We’re setting people up for defeat by telling men “this will always be your battle” and by telling women “your husband will always be tempted by other women.”

Tomorrow I want to say to women who are heartbroken, it is perfectly reasonable to expect your husband not to lust. You aren’t being selfish. You aren’t “not understanding what it is to be a guy”. You are living out biblical principles and asking your husband to live up to his wedding vows. And I’m so, so sorry that the Christian community has made women think that men are animals, can’t help themselves, and will automatically lust if a 13-year-old wears a short skirt.

I am absolutely and unabashedly PRO SEX! I in no way mean these posts to say that men with high sex drives are wrong, or that sex doesn’t need to be frequent in marriage. The difference is that I believe in stressing MUTUAL sex, not OBLIGATION sex.

I believe sex should be exciting and intimate for both parties, and if you want to see more about how to make that happen, I encourage you to check out my 31 Days to Great Sex challenge!

Let’s work towards awesome, intimate sex, not sex which objectifies and makes anyone feel guilty or ashamed.

References:

Gonzaga, G. C., Turner, R. A., Keltner, D., Campos, B., & Altemus, M. (2006). Romantic love and sexual desire in close relationship. Emotion, 6(2), 163-179. Retrieved from here.
Gervais study retrieved from: https://www.livescience.com/21806-bra...


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To My Fathers: The Ones I Chose, and The Ones Who Stepped In

When I think of Dad, I think of belly laughs, and smiles, and choked back tears.

I think of a proud grandfather, a fiercely loyal parent, a family man.

I think of a man who loves hockey but who loves his grand-daughters, too. I picture a man who is proud that his children have outpaced him in learning, if not always in common sense. I see a man who might worry about the practical side of life—health, money, or jobs—but not about family or friends, because he knows they are rock solid. And they are rock solid because he is. And though he may make fun of Mom and me talking clothes, or cooking, or gardening, or my daughters laughing about toys or dresses or flowers, he is secretly pleased that so much estrogen surrounds him.

Girls, you see, were once a rarity in his life. I was his first daughter, but he only inherited me at his oldest son’s wedding. And though he is not genetically my father, when I hear the word Dad, his is the face that comes to my mind.

Me with “Dad”!

Father’s Day, which must have been created by Hallmark and the people who make fishing poles, was my least favourite holiday as a child.

I didn’t live anywhere near my father, so how could I celebrate him?

My relationship with my biological father has always revolved around heredity. Like many who should have a relationship but don’t, he is often trying to establish a connection, and the only one that exists is genetic. When I demonstrate some of his traits, he’s tickled pink. He can claim pride because he can claim me as his daughter. Now I do know that he wishes things could have been different, and that he does genuinely love me. But it is love at a distance.

This genetic type of love is valuable in its own way and I am grateful for it, but it is very different from parental affection, which is what I feel with Dad. As a child, it is what you desperately need, and when I looked around for it, I found it in my uncle. He wasn’t genetically related to me, either, but he did care for me, and fuss over me like a dad should whenever I gave my heart away to an undeserving boy. He picked up the phone to dispense advice or provide a listening ear when I needed it.

He walked through adolescence with me, delivered the “father of the bride” toast at my wedding, and made baby faces at my daughters. When Katie was two, though, I wrote him a good-bye letter, because the cancer had come back. In that letter I had the chance to tell him how much he had meant to me. And I told him that when I arrive in heaven one day, God will call him over and say, “Art, here is your daughter.” He was the father figure of my youth.

My two father figures: My grandfather and my Uncle Art. (I’m on the left)

I will celebrate one more father this Father’s Day: the only father I actually chose. He’s the man I’m thrilled is the father of my children: a dad who is loving, and kind, and generous, and a true partner to me. Because of him, Father’s Day is finally a big production in my life.

With Daddy in Jamaica in 2005.

It is difficult as a little girl not to have a Daddy that she is close to. And yet, as I’ve matured I’ve realized that many men have played that fatherly role, showing me what it means to be loved, affirmed, protected, and cared for. I have the genetic father, to whom I owe many of my gifts, as well as my lack of propensity to gain weight, for which I am eternally grateful. I have the father of my childhood, who is not here to celebrate except in memory. I have grandfathers who were wonderful to me. I have Dad, who delights over me today, and not only because he trusts me to pick the right nursing home one day. And I have my husband. And so I no longer dread Father’s Day. It takes me on a walk through memory lane, and I’m really quite grateful for those I have.

Note: I first wrote this ten years ago, in a column in our local paper. I still love it. And I still feel the same way. Happy Father’s Day, Dad!

 

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How Do You Stop Siblings from Fighting?

The hardest years of mothering to me were those when my girls were 8-11–because of the girls constantly fighting.

Sure, other years left me with far less sleep. Other years gave me less time to myself. But the years when I questioned myself as a mom, and wondered whether I was really doing a good job, were the years when my children were constantly bickering. How could the two people in the world that I loved so much be so mean to each other?

I would often say to the girls, “Katie, Rebecca is your best friend. Of everyone in the world, she is the one who will be with you for the vast majority of your life. She will be your closest confidante. So you had better be nice to her now.” 

And I would say the same thing to Rebecca. And I would tell them, over and over again, of a scene when I was 16 that is imprinted hard on my brain: My mom on a stretcher as she is being wheeled into surgery for breast cancer, which looked like it was very serious, and both of my aunts flanking her, each one holding a hand. Sisters matter.

Yet the fights continued. Katie desperately loved her big sister, but Rebecca didn’t want to be bothered by such a “little girl”. And the more Rebecca tried to act like the perfectly angelic grown up child, the more Katie turned into a little devil.

Once Katie reached her teenage years all of that changed. It still has been a running joke in our family–how Katie longs to be included and snuggled, and Becca often pulls away:

The girls in 2010

The girls in 2013–recreating an iconic pose

The girls in 2016–it will never end.

But they know it’s a joke, and every now and then Rebecca reciprocates.

And she makes Katie very happy in the process.

The girls have come out of the sibling rivalry years relatively unscathed, as did I, despite some sleepless nights and lots of self-deprecating prayers.

One thing I learned, though, is that too often we prevent kids learning lessons from squabbles because we step in and stop sibling fights ourselves.

We make kids go to separate rooms. We figure out what the fighting is about and impose our idea of a “fair” solution. Or we tell the kids to be quiet and stop it.

When we do that, we take away from our kids the opportunity to learn to deal with conflict well, and we short-circuit the reconciliation process that can happen. 

I’ve read a ton of parenting literature over my life–and I’ve written some, too (though obviously I focus more on marriage). And I’ve always been somewhat uncomfortable with a lot of the literature, because it seems to focus on the fact that “kids are bad” and therefore parents need to gain the upper hand and get control, or else kids will rule the roost. It almost seems like adults and kids are on opposing sides. We must not let the kids beat us! Don’t be their friend. Be their parent!

One thing my daughter Rebecca found when she was writing her book Why I Didn’t Rebel, though, (the book is out October 3!), is that you can be both their parent AND their friend. They aren’t mutually exclusive. You can have a great, close relationship with your children where you joke and hug and snort milk out of your nose by accident, and you can still impose limits when need be. And kids actually seem to react far better to a parent who obviously enjoys the kids than a parent who is constantly trying to show the kids, “I am in charge!”

Why do we think that we can either be our kids' parent or our kids' friend? You can be BOTH!Click To Tweet

So I was very happy to find Jim and Lynne Jackson from Connected Families.

Finally someone who parented like me! They were interested in forming close relationships with their kids and training their kids to be Christ-like, rather than simply making sure they had control over them.

When it comes to sibling squabbles, they have a unique Peace Process to defeat sibling rivalry that I shared with you last year (that’s a great post if you’re struggling with siblings fighting!). I was reading more about it in their newsletters lately, and a thought occurred to me:

The real problem with many methods of parenting is that we forget that Jesus can be with children, too.

Yes, kids can be hellions. Yes, kids can be Tasmanian devils. Yes, kids can be exhausting.

But you know what? Kids can also be incredibly compassionate, super generous, and very kind. They can crawl up into your lap when you’re sad and give you a huge sloppy kiss. They can offer their lollipop to a child who is crying. They can try to clean up a huge mess to make you happy.

Jesus said that whoever welcomes a little child welcomes Him. He said that we have to become like a little child to enter the kingdom of God. And if Jesus was so excited about children, then perhaps we should stop viewing parenting as a big effort to control our kids, and more as an exciting adventure of seeing Christ work in them.

When my girls were teenagers and I would talk to other parents, I always said that I expected my daughters to make good choices.

The reason? As Rebecca shares in her book, I told them over and over again, “You have the Holy Spirit just as much as I do.” 

They accepted Christ when they were young, and so God was busy sanctifying them even when they were 8 and 9. No, they weren’t perfect. But I could expect that they could make good decisions and act in a Christlike way.

And in those years when sibling fighting seemed to be a constant challenge, I would tell them that. I would say, “I know that you are better than this. I know in your heart you love each other.” And I called them to something more.

I guess my main message to you today is this: I know there are seasons when parenting is hard.

But never forget that your job is not to control your children so that they are perfectly well-behaved. It is to guide them and train them so that they can live out the Christian life as the Holy Spirit lives in them. Because God is there, and He is working. Just, please, don’t short-circuit that process by trying to run everything.

If you’re really struggling with siblings fighting in your home, the Jacksons have an awesome course that helps you take the Peace Process to the next level.

They show you not how to control  your kids, but how to help them learn to control their emotions and truly show each other love. And it honestly works! You don’t have to live with constant sibling fights. You can find peace in your home.

See more here.  

 

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