Sheila Wray Gregoire's Blog, page 131

Wifey Wednesday: Are Daddy Issues Hurting Your Marriage?

Do you project onto your daddy issues onto your husband?

It’s Wednesday, the day when we always talk marriage! And with Father’s Day coming up this week, I thought I’d look at how those of us with father issues can try to keep those issues out of our marriage. This is a post that I originally wrote a few years ago, but I’m quite passionate about the topic–so I thought it was time to run it again.

Whether your dad abandoned you, verbally abused you, molested you, hit you, or just disapproved of you, many of us have found Father’s Day a difficult day on the calendar. When I was younger I remember not being able to buy a Father’s Day card to mail to my dad, because the words in all of them weren’t true. What do you say to a father you have never lived with, whom you see for a week a year, and who doesn’t really know you? There just aren’t cards for that.

And I know many of you have felt the same thing.

Yet as I have said, marriage can be a vehicle that God uses for healing in our lives. When we marry good men, they show us how we’re supposed to be loved. They cherish us. And so much of those silent accusations we have inside our heads start to diminish.

I asked on Facebook how people prevent themselves from projecting onto their husbands their issues with their dads, and had some great (and heartbreaking) responses. I can’t do this subject full justice in a quick post, but I want to leave you with just a few thoughts that may help:

1. Many of us used our past to make good choices

Just because you have father issues does not mean that you’ll marry an idiot. In fact, over and over again women said something like, “I knew from my dad what I didn’t want and I made sure I found what I did want.” I did the same thing! Sometimes when you have a difficult childhood you run hard in the other direction: you marry a good person; you become an amazing parent; you prioritize relationships.

Some of us, unfortunately, don’t do that. It’s quite common to marry someone who gives us a similar “feel” as our father–if he was an alcoholic, we marry a workaholic because we’re used to feeling distant.

But just because you have father issues does not mean that you’re guaranteed to have a bad marriage–not at all! So never believe that.

What to do: Ask yourself, “Did I marry someone who makes me feel like my dad made me feel?” If not, celebrate! If you did, then find a mentor or a counselor to talk through this and figure out how to address key issues in your marriage.

2. Our coping patterns can cause problems

At the same time, it’s good to recognize how our past did affect how we treat others. One woman wrote this very insightful tidbit:

The biggest issue that has come up with us is the habit I learned in my childhood of not sharing what I thought if I believed it would cause friction. I finally told my husband that, & he said he wanted to know what I thought since I saw different possibilities then he did. The first few time were VERY hard, but I took a deep breath and spoke up anyway. I still start off speaking carefully, but if my careful words don’t communicate well to him, he has learned to ask questions to make sure he understands my point.

When we grow up with friction we learn to try to avoid friction at all costs. That’s a common coping mechanism, and it makes perfect sense when you’re in a dysfunctional home.

The problem is that that exact same coping mechanism can also cause a functional home to become a dysfunctional one. If you fail to speak up and tell your husband what you’re thinking, then you prevent emotional intimacy. And once emotional intimacy is lost, other forms of intimacy quickly follow.

What to do: Ask yourself, what’s my reaction to conflict? Do I try to avoid it? If so, tell your husband and sit down and figure out some “rules” for conflict that will help you feel safe enough to speak up.

3. Our fear of abandonment can cause problems

If your dad left, then at the back of your mind is likely the fear that your husband will, too. Rejection is real in your life; how do you know that anyone can stay forever?

But when we fear abandonment, we often withdraw into ourselves and again fail to share key things. Sometimes it’s not even failing to share when we’re upset. We may even fail to share when we’re happy! If he’s going to leave, then I can’t let him see all of me. That way if he leaves he’s not really rejecting ME; he never really knew me.

The other dynamic that can be quite common is to become defensive during conflicts. If he mentions anything that he’s unhappy about you’re sure he’s going to leave. So you overreact to everything, leaving him unable to really share his heart.

What to do: Confess this to your husband! Let him know your fears. And then talk about specific things your husband can do to let you know that he’s not leaving. Teach him your love language. Tell him that during a conflict he must always say, “I’m staying with you no matter what because I love you, but this bothers me and I’d like it to change.” Pray with him about it.

4. Our family of origin can cause problems

If you have father issues, chances are the rest of your family also has issues. Your siblings may be messed up. Your mother may be needy.

And we often carry guilt for a lot of these things (even if it’s not our fault). We’re still trying to fix our family of origin, and we get sucked in to drama that is ultimately caused by a dysfunctional father.

If we try to step back, we can be blamed by siblings or by our mother. Loyalty became a huge thing, because “we had to stick together” to get through this with dad.

That dynamic can make it so hard for you to move forward with your husband. If you’re in that dynamic, as hard as it may be, put limits on how much you will talk to or see your siblings and your mother. Sometimes it may even be a good idea to move far away for a few years to build your marriage, just the two of you. Once you’re on strong footing you can reestablish those relationships.

What to do: Talk to your husband about how big a role your family plays in your marriage. How does he feel about it? What is his perspective about how you react to your family? Decide how to set clear boundaries for your family.

5. Sometimes we need someone else to talk to about our “daddy issues”.

We are not meant to live the Christian life alone, and God has appointed some to be encouragers and counselors to help us get through trauma and live a life of freedom. If you feel that your issues just aren’t going away, and you have a hard time trusting your husband or opening up to him, maybe spending five or six sessions with a counselor to talk through these issues and come up with an action plan would be a good idea.

I know it can be expensive; counselors often range around $100 an hour. Some churches will subsidize, but think about it this way: If you spend $600 on counseling, even if that’s a huge sacrifice, but in the end it helps you live an amazing marriage, think about the money you’ll save by raising healthy kids and having a strong marriage.

A counselor can help you pray through things and see how Jesus felt when you were abandoned or hurt; to see that your father probably had issues too; and to see that Jesus’ grace covers such a multitude of hurts. Find someone who can point you to Jesus.

Do any of those thoughts resonate with you? If you have father issues, let me know in the comments what has helped you in your marriage. And for all of you–have a good Father’s Day this weekend!

31 Days to Great Sex is here (only $4.99!) It's the best $5 you'll ever spend on your marriage!

Learn to talk more, flirt more, and even explore more! You'll work on how to connect emotionally, spiritually, AND physically.

Find out more To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

5 Ways Porn Harms Men: A Former Porn User Explains

We know that when a husband uses porn, he hurts his wife.

We know that the effects of porn on a guy’s sex life are devastating.

But what we rarely talk about is that porn hurts the guys who use it, too. And maybe if we started talking about some of these issues, we could get through the fog that so many porn users are in and we could help them to see how much quitting would benefit not just their wives and not just their marriage, but they could help themselves.

A longtime blog reader and commenter sent me these great thoughts, and I wanted to share them with you today because they’re important. For obvious reasons he’d like to remain anonymous, but I hope that we’ll all think about what he has to say:

As an ex-porn user, I am dealing with feelings of regret, remorse and guilt.

I regret hurting my wife, I regret poisoning the first two years of our marriage with lies, and I regret feeding industries that horribly exploit and harm young women. But I also regret what I have done to myself.

Watching porn is often seen as selfish and egoistic behavior. I can see how it can feel that way from the point of view of another person suffering from the betrayal and the consequences. But I think it is rather a self-destructive activity. The porn user is hurting himself, maybe as much as he is hurting others. Especially if he is not willing or managing to quit, or if he is quitting in a partial, ineffective way. This maybe sounds counter-intuitive, so I will try to explain why:

1. Watching porn is like treating a bacterial infection with painkillers.

Porn users deal with their buried pains and traumas by numbing the pain through the habit, rather than treating its source. This, of course, makes the infection worse day by day, and it also makes it harder and harder to face it and treat it day by day. Porn users become so good at numbing the pain using artificially high dopamine levels, that they typically don’t even know that they are numbing some pain, and what the source of that pain might be. Only quitting can uncover that, and allow to heal, and have a much fuller, much more satisfying painkiller-free life.

2. Like smokers, porn users feel that they need their habit to help them deal with anxiety.

What both smokers and porn users often do not understand is that that anxiety is actually created by the habit. Quitting gets rid of the anxiety, and thus destroys the need for the habit. Porn users inflict unbearable levels of anxiety upon themselves on a daily basis, and this can often also lead to depression and other issues.

3. A porn user does a lot of harm to his self-confidence.

He is aware that what he is doing is immature, but he feels like he really needs it, which makes him feel weak. That can have effects on all aspects of his life that require self-confidence and inner strength. Quitting the habit convinces a person of their inner strength, and that makes them stronger when dealing with other challenges in life.

4. A porn user cannot experience the intimate union with his wife in a deep and powerful way.

A porn user is limiting himself from one of the strongest and most amazing experiences in life, watering it down with falseness, blocking it away with his unresolved intimacy issues. It is a terrible thing to inflict upon oneself. And it is a life-changing event to break out and experience what one had been depriving himself of.

5. Many porn users feel that total quitting is out of reach, and try to quit partially.

By doing this, they extend the process of quitting indefinitely, and therefore cause much more suffering to themselves. Just like quitting any other drug that causes artificially very high dopamine levels, quitting porn is a process that causes very strong suffering to the person undergoing it.

My experience, as well as that of the majority of the ex-porn users in online support groups and forums, is that in order to successfully quit porn, one has to quit it fully. That means no porn substitutes (suggestive TV shows, music videos, pictures, etc.), no fantasies, no masturbation, no looking at or inappropriately discussing with other women, and no occasional relapses with any of these activities.

Only in this way can one reach a point of relief, where the anxiety and the low self-confidence are gone, and one can deal with the underlying pains and traumas. Partial quitting just extends the period of suffering from quitting, without ever bringing the relief of successful quitting.

I think that the case is very similar with those who are, seemingly or openly, not willing to quit. They are probably trying to achieve some level of “addiction management” (which is very similar to partial quitting) that they judge “reasonable”, and this way they are inflicting upon themselves both all the negative effects of porn use and the suffering of a never-ending quitting process.

In summary, I think that when dealing with a porn user, it is important to think of all the suffering they are also inflicting upon themselves, and how stuck they are in it; and for porn users, it is important to realize that the only way to get relief of the negative impacts of porn is to commit to complete quitting, and to work on achieving that in the quickest way possible.

I’m grateful for my reader for sharing this with me.

Do any of you have success stories with your marriages? How did you or your spouse recover from porn addiction? Share it in the comments and let’s encourage each other!

The post 5 Ways Porn Harms Men: A Former Porn User Explains appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

Reader Question: Do I Tell if I Find Out My Friend Had an Affair?

Do you tell on a friend if you find out she had an affair?

Every Monday I like to post a reader question, and today’s is a biggie: so a friend had an affair, and it’s gotten really complicated. Do you tell her family?

I’m honestly not sure how to answer this one, so I’m going to post it, leave a few thoughts, and then let you all have a go at it in the comments!

A reader writes:

I have a friend who recently confessed that she had been in an affair  years ago. Some relatives suspect this and occasionally (like whenever they get mad at her) accuse her of being unfaithful. So at times she has had to blatantly lie and say she’s never done anything of the sort. Her kids suspect too. They even suspect who it is. Correctly. If it comes up around her husband, his response is “I don’t want to think about it.” That tells me he suspects too… Then I found out that the last time was only four years ago. And that he still texts her and when she doesn’t text or call back, he will call the business.

I feel like she should just come clean with her husband. She says that if the ex wants to call and tell everything she’s willing to deal with that and so she has stopped responding to him, come what may. But I still feel like he’s got power over her as long as she’s trying to hide. To further complicate things, she is not sure who the father of one of her children is. And the ex thinks it’s his, and has recently started communicating with the now teen boy. I guess the ex is a relative of a relative so not totally strange that he might communicate, but given  the circumstances it seems dangerous. She says she and her husband are very sexually active, but she still struggles with a negative body image so won’t let him see all of her…the ex really did a number on telling her how “dirty” she is. So, how do you help a friend who has had an affair years ago, called it quits and done nothing since then and has a happy marriage now. Leave it alone? Or dredge up the past for the sake of honesty?

Okay, that’s just one big huge mess.

Let’s go over the important features here:

The friend had an affair that lasted many years–two years after her wedding until four years ago (and she now has a teenage child).
The friend’s family, including the husband, suspect the affair happened.
While the affair is over, the ex-lover still does attempt contact.
One of her children may actually be the son of the ex-lover rather than the son of the husband.
The ex-lover has been pursuing a relationship with the teenager.

So what would I suggest?

Should you tell on a friend who had an affair? Criteria to decide!Click To Tweet

Honestly, if we were only looking at the first three things, I’d say leave it. I don’t like secrets, but in this case it seems as if the husband already knows, or at least strongly suspects, and is willingly being blind about it. That’s his choice. If he suspects but doesn’t want to pursue it, then blowing everything out in the open can hurt everyone tremendously. 

If the husband had no clue, then my answer may be different. I may suggest seriously counselling the friend to confess, but perhaps in the presence of a counsellor or other third party who could help weather the inevitable anger.

Now, if the affair was ongoing, then I do believe that you have a responsibility to tell the husband, even if your friend won’t. But if it’s in the past, I don’t feel the same way.

HOWEVER–and this is where it gets tricky.

When an affair affects the children, it’s a whole new ball game.

In this case, the ex-lover thinks the boy is his son–and the boy may honestly be his son.

I believe that every child has a right to know where they came from.

Secrets hurt children, even secrets that are not even known to exist (for instance, the boy may not know that his mother had an affair, but because everyone is keeping that secret, it affects how they relate to the boy, and that in turn hurts him.)

Kids pick up on secrets. They just do.

And if this man continues to insinuate his way into her son’s life, that can be very dangerous.

What would I do? I think I’d help your friend surreptitiously get a DNA test. It’s not that hard to do. Find out if the boy is the husband’s or not. If it’s the husband’s, then tell the ex to get lost.

If it turns out that the boy is the ex-lover’s, then I think the secret has to come out in the open, and you may have to work on your friend to help her get ready to confess.

But it won’t be pretty. I know a young woman who found out at 16 that her father was not her biological father, because her mother had had an affair. She went through a lot over the next few years as she tried to process that. It was terrible.

And that’s the problem, isn’t it? Our sins affect our children, sometimes in very profound ways.

If there is a secret that needs to be told, then again, I’d seek counselling first and I’d try to tell that secret with the counsellor’s help. I’d also advise your friend to let the parents of the son’s best friends know about the situation so that they can be there for him, even if it were humiliating the wife. I’d let any mentors that the son had in on the secret, too, so that they can counsel the son well and so that he saw that his mother was taking this seriously and was not trying to protect her reputation, but was honestly only concerned about her son.

And what about the husband’s devastation? Well, that’s a big mess, too. And it could get really ugly.

But I still think a child has the right to know.

I think in these situations that we try to find the least messy option, because it looks like if it all blows up, it will be terrible.

But isn’t that what sin does? Isn’t that what affairs do? And children have a right to their parents.

So that would be my answer:

If the affair is ongoing, tell the spouse.
If the affair is in the past and no child is involved, counsel the friend to tell the spouse, but beyond that, maybe do nothing?
If there is a child involved, advise your friend to determine parentage and then help her find a way to tell everyone, and be there for the huge mess that’s about to unfold.

So, please, people, think twice before you have an affair. It’s always messy. Always.

Now, what would be your answer? Would you tell on a friend who had an affair? Have you ever had to go through this? What was the fall out? 

Marriage isn't supposed to be blah!


Sex is supposed to be stupendous--physically, emotionally, AND spiritually.

If it's not, get The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex--and find out what you've been missing.

The post Reader Question: Do I Tell if I Find Out My Friend Had an Affair? appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

What’s the Key to Raising Teens Who Won’t Rebel?

Have you ever wondered how to raise teens who won’t rebel? Is it even possible?

Rebecca here. That’s the question I asked in a blog post three years ago. That blog post, Why I Didn’t Rebel, went viral. And it changed my life.

Now, three years later, I’ve written a book on the subject, and it’s coming to bookstores on October 3rd!

After the response from that blog post, I knew that if I was making this into a book, I had to do it well. It couldn’t just be my story–I wanted to cover a lot more than just that.

So I interviewed over 30 millennials, age 18-27, who did and who did not rebel in their teenage years. Then, coupled with psychology and sociology research, I found some patterns.

But one thing I never expected to find was this: of the kids who rebelled, all but one said that their biggest regret was that they weren’t close to their parents.

Yes, they were sad about the mistakes they made. Some had their hearts broken by sleeping with people who weren’t worthy of them. Some regret years of heavy drinking and experimenting with drugs. But that wasn’t what they regret the most. Instead, it was missing out on the relationship with their parents they feel that they’ll never really have–but might have, if things had been different.

Kids who didn’t rebel, however, didn’t face this problem.

In fact, all but one young adult who didn’t rebel said that their parents are the first people they call with exciting news, that they can trust their parents with anything, and that their mom or dad is one of their closest friends. And they’re insanely grateful that their parents and them are so close–and that they’ve always been that way.

So what makes these families so different?

Well, I wrote a whole book on it. But in one word: authenticity. Families with kids who didn’t rebel weren’t afraid to just be themselves. Yes, that sounds wishy-washy, but hear me out.

Families with rebellious kids were so scared of rebellion that they focused a great deal of their energy trying to prevent it. But in the midst of all of their rules and punishments and forced family dinners, something happened–they became unapproachable.

See, when you focus on fear of rebellion, it’s easy to let your relationship be controlled by that fear.

Hailey’s mom was so scared she was doing something wrong she started seeing disobedience when she wasn’t even doing anything bad yet!

Nathan’s family would punish even slight disobedience with harsh punishment–forgetting to clean his room would mean he couldn’t go on a summer trip to see friends he rarely got to visit. Although he recognized that he was in the wrong, the severity of the punishment made him feel that his mom didn’t understand him as a person. And his relationship with her suffered as a result.

Courtney lived in a family with untreated mental illness that no one ever talked about. Misunderstanding her family members’ experiences, she moved out at only 16 years old, believing her family would be better off without her.

In families where we didn’t rebel, though, it was very different.

Our parents weren’t afraid of our behaviors, even when we screwed up. Instead, they focused on getting to know us as people, and on letting us get to know them, as well. They admitted their faults, we talked about the hard issues, and we didn’t have strict punishments in the same way–even when we deserved them.

Parker’s family, instead of expecting that their daughter was going to rebel, knew their children and expected them to make good choices, instead of defaulting to fear of disobedience.

Rachel’s family, instead of creating harsh rules to try and control her behavior, would ask her what she thought the rules would be. For example, instead of saying, “you’d better be home by 10:00 or you’re grounded, young lady,” they’d ask, “Well, you have a test in the morning, so what time do you think you should be home?” Rachel hated it, but it taught her to make good decisions for herself.

Morgan’s family, instead of shying away from difficult topics, was open and honest with their children about the effects the divorce was having on both the parents and the children. They weren’t afraid to be vulnerable, or to talk to their children about the hard things.

When parents focus on bad behavior too much, fear starts to get in the way of relationship.

Families with kids who rebelled lived in fear. Fear that their kids would rebel. Fear that their image would be tainted. Fear that they would lose control.

Families with kids who didn’t lived in authenticity. They chose to live in hope, not fear, getting to know their kids personally instead of dictating their behavior. They cared more about their kids’ walk with Christ than about how they appeared to others. And they understood that a power struggle is never a solid foundation for a good relationship, and so maintained authority without setting up a dictatorship.

So, after researching this for a year and a half, I’d say this:

Don’t be so scared of rebellion that you forget to know your kid in the process. 

Your kids need you. Not all the gimmicks.

Now here’s the exciting part…

Do you have any questions at all about how to raise teens who won’t rebel?

My mom, Sheila, is doing a Q&A with me as the final chapter in the book for pre-order customers! If you order the book before October 3rd, you’ll get an edition with the Q&A.

But we need questions!

Is there anything at all you’ve ever wondered about raising healthy teens? Doesn’t matter how weird it is, let us know in the comments and it may be featured in the book! (And if it’s not in the book, there’s a good chance it’ll be covered in a webinar or even on the blog sometime soon!)

And I just wanted to say one more thing: a great big thank you to everyone who’s read that initial blog post! You have truly made a dream come true, and I never would have been able to write this book without all of your encouragement those first few weeks! You have changed my life, and I’m not just saying that. So thank you a million times!

Interested in getting your copy of Why I Didn’t Rebel? 

Why I Didn’t Rebel is available for preorder! Check it out:

Through the Thomas Nelson website
It’s on Amazon!

Got any questions on raising healthy teens? Leave them below!

The post What’s the Key to Raising Teens Who Won’t Rebel? appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

How to Generate Income from Home & Boost Your Family Budget!

One of the things I’m most grateful for is that throughout all of my marriage I’ve been able to work from home.

When the kids were young it meant squeezing time in during naptime, or taking a few hours on the weekends when Keith was home. As they grew older I could take whole mornings or afternoons to myself while they played or worked. And today I do a lot of my work in my pyjamas! I get up early, yes, but I don’t have to drive anywhere, which is wonderful.

And along the line I’ve also been able to contribute to the family income.

It started when we were first married in the early 1990s. Microsoft Office was just launching, and I taught myself how to use Access, their database program. I read the manual and figured out how to program databases myself. And then I was hired for some serious money to do all the database work for the company my mother worked for, since no one else knew how to use it.

Later I built the billing program for Keith’s medical practice using Access.

Then I started to write articles, and eventually books, and eventually this blog. And it’s been a blessing the whole time, because I never missed a minute of my kids’ lives. And I was still able to make dinner.

Working at home has its stresses, but I wouldn’t trade it for anything.

And I know many of you desperately want to stay home with your kids and primarily be homemakers, but you simply need some income. Others of you have been working full-time away from home for years, but you’d love to own your own business and set your own hours and get paid what you’re really worth.

But when we hear “work at home”, we usually think selling Pampered Chef or selling Avon, and that may not be everyone’s cup of tea. But working at home means so much more than just home parties!

And so today I just want to share three ideas for how  you can make money from home–and an awesome resource to help you get there!

3 Great Ideas for Work at Home Jobs:
Become a Mystery Shopper

My mom LOVED mystery shopping–she did it for about 10 years after she had officially moved to Belleville, but still wanted to visit friends in Toronto. She’d get shops in Toronto that would let her write off her travel expenses, and make money to boot!

Here’s how it works: you check job boards of mystery shopping companies or you sign up with several and get job offers. Take what you want, and then follow their directions exactly. Some will want to know things like: were you greeted within a minute of entering the store? Did the clerk ask if you wanted anything extra? Did they get the order right? Were they pleasant? Sometimes you may need some equipment. My mom used to have to order drinks from Starbucks, and then take them back to the car to measure them and take the temperature.

After that you write up your report.

It really is quite simple. The catch is that so many people are trying to get it on it, so there’s a lot of competition! But it’s a great job that is totally flexible. And if you’re willing to do some shops during business hours, you’re more likely to get assignments, too.

Here’s how Bethany Mooradian explains it in her book The Mystery Shopping Training Program:

All that schedulers and mystery shopping companies want are shoppers who are reliable, follow directions, and write clear, descriptive reports. Believe it or not, it can be very difficult to simply find these people. There’s so much information on the Internet regarding mystery shopping, and most people don’t understand that it’s a serious business. If you do good work, and are pleasant to work with, you will be called for more assignments. Any company will tell you that good Mystery Shoppers are golden.

It can take a while to break in, but if you deliver your first few assignments quickly, with easy to read reports (they’ll give you a template, and Bethany has a TON in her book that you can use) and lots of photos, people will love you. And they’ll keep coming back to you!

It’s a great way for paying for date nights, too, because restaurants and movie theatres are often available (though they’re also some of the assignments that get picked up the fastest!).

If they ask you to buy something at a store, they’ll give you the money for it, and you’ll often get to keep it. So it really is super fun!

The Mystery Shopping Training Program is a super complete book with everything you’d need to know about becoming a mystery shopper, including lots of company listings. And for the next 5 days it’s available as part of the Work at Home Bundle, a bundle of ebooks and courses worth over $2000, that’s available for you for just $47!

Start an Etsy Shop

Are you super great at crafts, but you hate standing at a table at a craft fair worse than fingernails on a chalkboard? Take the awkwardness out of selling your crafts by putting them up on Etsy–and let them sell themselves!

But hold on a second. If you were to start an etsy shop with your knitted products today, it’s pretty unlikely you’d sell much of anything. That’s because if you go to Etsy and type in “knitted scarf”, you get 250 pages of potential scarves. It’s hard to break in through all that noise!

But that’s where The Art of Audience Building for Etsy Sellers comes in. It helps you figure out how to build your audience who will be interested in your types of products before you even put stuff up. And it shows you how to make sure that when you do post your crafts, you already have interested eyeballs that will see them!

And there’s also an amazing course called Earn $1000/month on Etsy that is totally step-by-step, and will help prep  you for your Etsy store so well! They help you brainstorm ideas, and then use the Etsy search function to project which ideas have the best income potential (and they show you EXACTLY how to do this, taking all the scariness out of research). Then it takes you step by step through how to set up your shop, start accepting payments, figure out your shipping, and all of those other scary-sounding things. It’s really well done and well laid out, and includes a section on goal setting that can help you ramp up for success.

But there are other resources that can help you build your shop and get ready to sell your handmade goods, too:

Work as a Virtual Assistant

In her book E-marketing Essentials for Virtual Assistants, Lisa Wells explains how many things can actually be done by a virtual assistant–and why if you want to make an income, it’s best to focus on a few in a target market, and then do them very well. You just find a need and fill that need!

Virtual assistants can prepare reports, run social media campaigns, organize someone’s mailing list, do data entry, do billing, write blog posts, create graphics, set up websites, do graphic design–and so much more.

On this blog I employ four people as virtual assistants. Here are their different job descriptions:

Design the website, create graphics, edit blog posts, write some blog posts, create landing pages, do some social media, and create promotional materials (my daughter Rebecca–25 hours a week)
Respond to all emails, oversee advertising campaigns, book speaking engagements, book travel (my friend Tammy–20 hours a week)
Create newsletters and compile posts to put into ebooks (Rebecca’s friend Samantha–3 hours a week)
Trouble shoot when the blog breaks (this happens more than you’d think!) (a university friend’s company–on standby for when I panic)

So you can see that I pay for a variety of services myself. Most blogs do.

If you want a job as a virtual assistant, I’d recommend getting really good at one of several niches:

Running social media
Creating newsletters and managing lists and sales funnels (managing the list is a bigger job than writing the newsletter!)
Editing and writing blog posts
Creating graphics
Designing websites
Running the technical side of websites
Doing publicity and advertising campaigns
Creating advertising brochures for companies
Creating reports for companies
Doing billing and accounting for companies
Doing scheduling/travel/booking for speakers/musicians

And there’s likely more that I didn’t think of. But if you can get super good at one of those (there’s actually a lot that goes into running a Facebook Page, for instance), then you could easily get jobs!

Remember, most self-employed people work from armchairs, not offices with secretaries. And they do need help! And you can fill that niche. And the nice thing is that you can usually earn more than if you were hired as a secretary or receptionist, and you get to write off part of your housing expenses and internet and computer expenses!

Here’s something else: All that matters when people hire you is that you can do the job, not that you have certain training. I have hired multiple people and I have never once asked if they have a university degree or if they went to college or anything. I only ever wanted to know one thing: Can you honestly do this job well? And if they can show me that they can, I don’t care about their education!

In general, the more technical know-how goes into a job, the more it will pay, and the more revenue your job directly creates, the more you can charge. So someone creating graphics makes more than someone writing a newsletter. Similarly, someone running a publicity campaign makes more than someone running the social media side of a brand.

In the Work at Home Bundle there are four amazing resources that can help you launch your career as a virtual assistant.

Honestly, I have hired so many people over the years to help me with this blog, and it’s been a blessing with every one of them. I’m not looking for anyone right now, but so many bloggers are. And these courses tell you how to find those people, and how to create a job that can be anything from 5 hours a week to 40 hours a week–right from your home.

Other Jobs You Can Do From Home

The Ultimate Work at Home Bundle has tons of great information on other jobs you can do from home, too–I’ve only picked three that I thought were especially relevant. But they also have resources on cake making, medical transcription and billing, writing, and more, along with books and courses on productivity, lead generation, networking, and more.

But the bundle is only available until Monday at midnight, so check it out now!

It has been a blessing to work from home, and it is has been a blessing to be able to provide an income to others, so they can work from home, too. While robots will be taking over a lot of jobs in the future, these are ones that people will always need! And working for yourself can be so rewarding.

If you need to supplement your family’s income, I’d really suggest researching jobs you can do from home. It’s easier than working retail a few shifts a week, and it has growth potential, both in terms of how big your business can get and how much you can earn in an hour. It really is possible.

So tell me in the comments–have you ever earned money from home? What did you do? Maybe we can add to my list of virtual assistant jobs!

The post How to Generate Income from Home & Boost Your Family Budget! appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

Wifey Wednesday: When You Want More Sex–But Now Your Husband Says No!

Ever feel like you and your husband are switching libidos?

Maybe he used to want sex all the time, and you really didn’t. But now you’d really like to reboot your sex life, but he’s the one holding back.

What gives?

It’s Wednesday, the day when we always talk marriage! And a few years ago I wrote an important post on this topic that I really thought we should revisit, because it’s a pattern that I see again and again.

It goes something like this: A couple gets married and sex is ho hum. He wants it all the time, and you just really don’t. So you say no. A lot. And he gets used to you never saying yes when he initiates sex.

Years go by. Sex becomes less and less frequent.

And then something happens. Maybe you realize that your marriage is getting distant, and not having sex is definitely contributing to that! Maybe you’re hitting your late 30s and your libido is kicking in! Maybe you’ve been working at boosting your libido because you don’t want to miss out on what everyone says is so amazing.

You think your husband would be raring to go! But instead, if you try to initiate sex, he shuts down. Now he’s the one saying no!

It really is as if your libidos have switched. You’ve traded places.

When I wrote The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, I intended to only survey women. So I asked about 2000 women about their sex lives, and found out that about 42% of women said that they had sex less than once a week. That surprised me a bit, so I thought maybe I had better ask the men some questions, too. I wrote a new survey for them and asked them similar questions.

Got the same frequency result: 42% less than once a week. So the samples were good.

What is The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex About?
The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex is THE definitive book on how God made sex to be awesome–spiritually, emotionally, AND physically.

And it shows you how to get it to awesome in each of those three ways, too!

Sex was supposed to be amazing and incredibly intimate. And if it’s not there yet for you, don’t worry. It can just be the most fun research project you and your husband ever do together!

Check out the book here.

But then something interesting happened. On the surveys I allowed the men to leave open-ended responses to some questions, if there was something they wanted to say. And over and over again, man after man said virtually the same thing: I’m so lonely and I feel so rejected and my wife just doesn’t get it. And often what I read was something along these lines:

It’s been a big issue for many years. I usually withdraw. I lose sleep, and it impacts every aspect of me. Then my wife gets mad at me for letting it impact me.

You know there is a lack of interest, but you don’t really know why. So you start wondering, “what is wrong with me?”

And eventually some of the comments moved to something like this:

I would do everything to try to get my wife to say yes. I did all the chores. I bought her flowers. I was romantic. And nothing worked. So I decided a few years ago that the only way I’d survive in this marriage is if I just came to terms with the fact that we just won’t have sex. So I stopped initiating. She didn’t notice for a few months, and then every now and then she’d try again, I think because she thought I was mad. But I don’t want pity sex and I don’t want to start the whole cycle again. So I just tell her no.

Wow. That’s sad. And it’s also incredibly common! Maybe it’s not to that extreme in your marriage, but at marriage conferences we’ve talked to plenty of men who have said that they’ve virtually stopped initiating sex, almost out of self-preservation. They don’t want to get their libidos going and they don’t want the constant rejection.

And often there’s a big element of bitterness and anger in there, too. “She hurt me so much, so I want her to see how it feels!” It’s not right, but honestly? I think it’s kind of understandable.

Okay. Now back to the current situation.

What do you do if you were refusing sex often in your marriage, and now you ARE changing, but your husband doesn’t trust you?

I had a letter from a low libido wife recently which said this:

My husband finds our lack of sex particularly hurtful. When this comes up, I often rush to read a book or post about sex, to try and fix the issue, but this would only ever work “for next time”. A sincere “sorry, (insert attempt at explanation), I’ll try harder from now on” just doesn’t cut it – my husband is hurt and I can’t fix it. What do I do to show him I’m serious?

You’ve been distant and you’ve been hurting each other, and now you want to change the dynamic. But your husband isn’t buying it quite yet. What do you do?

Please note: I’m not talking in this blog post to women whose husbands have ALWAYS had low libidos. If that’s the case, this series on why your husband doesn’t want to make love is likely more applicable. But if your husband used to have a high libido, and now he’s turning you down–read on.

Live out the change–Initiate sex

Keep living out the change. If the problem is that you’ve had a low libido and you’ve been refusing sex, then initiate sex. Buy some lingerie. Talk to him about it.

What if he’s really not interested and keeps refusing?

You have an open conversation with him where you admit all of your faults–without blaming him. Even if his behaviour was part of what gave you a low libido, you own what you did. In the words of Jesus in the Sermon on the Mount, you take the log out of your own eye (you deal with your own issues first) (Matthew 7:3-5).

You tell him that you realize what you did to him, and you’re sincerely sorry. And now you’d like to rebuild your sex life. And keep initiating. If you’re not sure how to initiate sex, I’ve got a great post with 10 tips right here!

You can even ask if he’d be willing to schedule sex, so that you can show that you’re serious. You can pick 2 or 3 nights a week where you’d like to make love, and pencil it in. And you can tell him that you promise you’ll only cancel on him once a month at the most–unless you’re genuinely ill with a fever or something.

He still may not be appreciative. He still may withdraw. Or, when you do make love, you may find it supremely unsatisfying because he’s only interested in pleasing himself (he may seem almost angry), and so you don’t get much pleasure from it.

Give him time to be angry and to see that you’re serious. It takes a lot for a guy to break down a wall that he’s built, especially if he’s built it out of self-preservation.

Can You Really Boost Your Libido after Years of Not Wanting Sex?
If you’ve spent years not interested in sex, and you know it’s damaged your marriage–is it really possible to boost your libido?

Absolutely!

And in this 10-module video based course I show you how easy it is. I look at the big ingredients to libido–how our bodies, schedules, brains, and hormones all influence our libido–and then how we can take control of them. And I give you hope!

Check out the course here.

Don’t withdraw or sulk if your libidos have totally switched and now he says no

What if you’re hurt? What if you feel lonelier than you’ve ever felt in your life because he’s rejecting you (or being selfish in bed)? How can you deal with these feelings?

My suggestion: don’t withdraw from him and don’t sulk. Say to him,

“I’m feeling really lonely and discouraged right now, but I want you to know that whatever you do, I’m not going to give up on this. I want our marriage strong and I want to have a great sex life, and I’m going to hang in there even if you don’t feel loving towards me right now.”

Acknowledge how you feel, but don’t withdraw. And remember: this process may take months–or even years. Changing the dynamic in marriage doesn’t always happen immediately.

Go to God for your emotional needs if you feel rejected sexually and emotionally

And in those lonely days, draw as close to God as you can. Pray blessing over your husband, very specifically, in every area of his life. The more you pray about these specific things, the more your mind gets turned to what God is doing in his life, instead of what your husband is doing to hurt you.

Go to battle for your marriage, and your husband, by praying blessing over him, and by praying for your marriage. And spend some time everyday just in prayer and in reading Scripture, listening to worship songs, or anything that gets your eyes on God. Keep your eyes there and you’ll find that you’re better able to withstand rejection from your husband.

Push through the tension and LOVE him–with or without sex

It will feel tense when he’s testing you. You will be tempted to lash out. Don’t. Learn to love him despite his actions. And don’t just initiate sex–initiate other things that make him feel loved. Study his love language and live it out. Make your husband your special project where you can think and pray about how to make his life better. Maybe it’s helping him organize a work project, or organize the garage, or complete an application for a job or internship he’s been wanting. Maybe it’s encouraging him to pursue a dream. I don’t know–but become a student of your husband and find practical ways to support him even outside the bedroom.

If you haven’t been connecting sexually for a long time, chances are he has not felt connected to you hardly at all for that whole length of time. It will take some serious effort for him to allow himself to trust you and become vulnerable with you again–and that vulnerability is necessary for real intimacy.

Don’t rush the process of reconciling sexually

Let him go through the needed emotional steps. And you need to go through it too–to understand what he felt, to figure out how to love him, to figure out how to go to God with your issues.

So pray for strength and grace for yourself, and remember: When your heart’s desire is to act like Christ and love someone unconditionally, God gives you that strength when you seek it. That is a wonderful desire and a wonderful prayer. But it can’t be a manipulative one–“do you see what I’m doing to change? Aren’t you grateful?” You’re being amazing to him so that you can change your marriage, right?

No, you’re amazing to him because it’s the right thing to do.

And usually, the more we do that, the more we change the dynamic and the relationship does change. But even if it doesn’t right away, and even if change takes time, you are still doing the right thing. And as you do that, you’ll feel closer to God and Jesus will become more real to you. Cling to that in this time. Marvel at it. And you may just find that you aren’t as lonely as  you thought you’d be.

31 Days to Great Sex is here (only $4.99!) It's the best $5 you'll ever spend on your marriage!

Learn to talk more, flirt more, and even explore more! You'll work on how to connect emotionally, spiritually, AND physically.

Find out more To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

10 Ways to Nurture Your Marriage Through Grief

How many of us, when vowing “for better or for worse,” really expect to have to deal with the “worse”?

After reading hundreds of stories that end with “And the prince and the princess lived happily ever after,” it can be easy to be stunned when we’re faced with difficulties in marriage. But so many of us do–infertility, loss, employment difficulties, or any other tragedy.

But what if you could do something when you’re faced with these times that would help you be stronger as a couple when you go through the worse in your marriage? Hard times aren’t a death sentence for your marriage–and they provide unique opportunities to love at a deeper level than we do on a day-to-day basis during the good times.

I know when our son Christopher died Keith felt like our marriage was at a crossroads, too. We could either cling to each other and grow closer, or we could let this tear us apart. And we decided that we had already lost a son; we didn’t want to lose each other, too.

Elizabeth Laing Thompson is here today to share 10 things you can do to nurture your marriage when you’re going through grief. I hope these bless your marriage if you’re going through this dark patch:

And they lived happily ever after… except when they didn’t. Because they weren’t always happy. Sometimes they were sad.

Even the strongest and happiest of marriages face difficulty and grief: illness, infertility, depression, loss. And those times test our marriages as nothing else.

My husband and I have faced several painful seasons in our seventeen-year marriage: unexpected moves, financial strain, family sickness, infertility, loss. Five years ago, our life fell to pieces in a matter of three weeks. My husband found out he had to make a sudden, immediate job change. One day we were planting perennials; the next we were sticking a “For Rent” sign into the yard of our dream house, packing up our life, and moving two states away from family and friends, all while suffering a miscarriage. We limped into our new town reeling and mourning—bleeding inside and out—wondering if we’d ever find happiness, ever find home, again.

Here are 10 ways we have learned to maintain a healthy marriage during seasons of grief:

1. Go to God first.

When we are going through painful times, it’s tempting to unleash every emotion on our husbands full-force. Most husbands will gladly offer a sympathetic ear and a shoulder to cry on as often as they can, but even so, everyone has limits—especially if they are also grieving. Let’s remember: Our spouse can never take the place of our relationship with God. No relationship can! Only God can truly understand the depth of our feelings, and the great news is, He is always available, and His shoulders are always big enough, to carry our emotional burdens.

2. Don’t expect your husband to feel or communicate grief the same way you do.

Men and women experience and express grief differently. Your husband may not seem as emotional as you are, but that doesn’t mean he does not feel the loss or relate to your feelings. He just processes the loss in his own way. Study him. Listen to him—learn to hear the things he says without words. Pray for insight and wisdom.

3. Don’t expect mind-reading.

When we are feeling especially down or needy, it’s not fair to expect our spouses to read our minds, and then get angry when they miss our cues. We have to tell our husbands what we feel and what we need.

4. Accept imperfect understanding.

I’ve always taken great comfort from Proverbs 14:10: “Each heart knows its own bitterness, and no one else can share its joy.” People—even husbands, the people who love us most—will not fully understand every nuance of what we feel. That’s okay. Perfect understanding is God’s job, not a person’s job.

5. Remember, relationships go two ways.

Sometimes grief can make us self-absorbed, lost in our own pain. Remember that he is hurting and struggling, too, even if he expresses it differently than you do. Make a point to ask him how he is doing, how he is feeling. Go out of your way to do the things that make him feel loved.

Grief doesn't need to tear apart your marriage. 10 ways to nurture your marriage during grief:Click To Tweet
6. Share the load.

One single person can’t carry our entire burden, however much he may want to. Even though grief may feel like a private struggle, I encourage you to find the courage to open your heart to a few more confidants. You will be surprised by how many people love you enough to want to shoulder a part of your burden. Miscarriage and infertility forced me to expand my support system. I am forever grateful to precious friends who prayed and fasted with and for me, listened to me, and sat and cried with me. They preserved my sanity and walk with God, and they protected my marriage.

7. Say thank you.

When we are grieving, we may feel cheated out of something we feel we deserve. We may feel entitled to special attention and service from our husbands, and chances are, they are happy to offer it. But let’s not take their generosity for granted. Let’s go out of our way to express love, affection, gratitude, and encouragement. Try saying things like, “I appreciate your sensitivity during this crazy time,” or “I know things have been hard and I haven’t quite been myself lately, and I’m thankful for your patience and sense of humor during this time.”

8. Give the grace you need.

It goes something like this: Say you struggle with chronic pain, and you’ve had a rough week. But Friday night at dinner your husband says, “Hey, honey, I’m going to play golf all day tomorrow on my day off—you’ve got the kids, right?” Before you karate-chop your husband—the man you promised God you would love and protect and not karate-chop for the rest of your life—let’s remember: everyone is going to say the wrong thing at some point. No matter how compassionate our husbands are, they cannot understand exactly how we feel; they cannot anticipate our reactions to every comment or situation. They won’t know what to say sometimes. But hey—we don’t know what to say to ourselves sometimes! We can choose to preserve our marriages by paying grace forward. Chances are, we will need some grace ourselves before long.

9. Remember to have fun.

Who wants to have fun when they’re sad? But sometimes fun is exactly what the doctor ordered, and laughter really is the best medicine. Go out on a date, make time for the things you’ve always loved to do together—you’ll be surprised to find how much you are still able to enjoy yourself and enjoy your husband, even when you’re struggling through a painful time.

If you're going through a time of grief, don't sacrifice your marriage! Here's how to stay close:Click To Tweet
10. Don’t abandon your love life.

It’s tough to get “in the mood” when you’re—well, not in the mood. But romance and sexual intimacy help to keep our marriages connected and strong even during tough times. We may not have fireworks and thrills—our intimacy during hard times may be gentle and quiet, even bittersweet—but making love helps us draw comfort from each other’s presence. It helps us feel safe and loved. It allows us to express love and faithfulness without words.

Happily ever after isn’t always happy…but it can last forever after, if we will continue to nurture our marriages no matter what twists and turns our stories take. 

 Elizabeth Laing Thompson is the author of When God Says “Wait.” She writes at LizzyLife.com about finding humor in holiness and hope in heartache. Elizabeth lives in North Carolina with her preacher husband and four spunky kids, and they were totally worth the wait. Follow her on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, and Pinterest.
What are some tough times you and your husband have had to navigate through? Let’s share our stories with each other in the comments.

The post 10 Ways to Nurture Your Marriage Through Grief appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

Reader Question: My Husband Can’t Physically Satisfy Me

What do you do if your husband just isn’t “equipped” to satisfy you physically?

Every Monday I like to post a reader question and take a stab at answering it, and I’m excited to turn the page this week on childhood sexual abuse, which we talked about all last week, and get back to the nitty gritty of sex (which I really do prefer to talk about!). It’s important to talk about these difficult and controversial things, but it’s exhausting.

So back to sex. Although, to be honest, this question isn’t that easy to answer, either! A woman writes:

After nearly 20 years of trying to remain enthusiastic having sex with a husband whom I find unattractive in weight, and beer belly, and whose penis is significantly below average in size, I can’t say the problem is my libido or enthusiasm about sex. I have prayed to no avail, even willing to die to the desire to even want to have an orgasm. I did Kegel exercises in the early part of our marriage to be able to tighten my vagina. I was able to feel him better after a few months, but his size just does nothing to actually physically stimulate me. He is otherwise an attractive man, wonderful human being, and I find those things sexy and appealing, but at some point I have to wonder if sex is ever going to be anything more than a sense that I essentially have to rub hard against him to masturbate in order to achieve half an orgasm.

Okay, that’s a serious problem. And I’m glad she asked. I want this to be a place where we can ask the “real” stuff that we can’t ask elsewhere.

I think the real problem is likely the beer belly more than the penis size

Here’s why: When the belly is large, it’s very difficult to achieve full penetration in most positions, because the belly blocks it. I wrote about it, along with some suggestions, in this post:

When your husband’s belly is hurting your sex life

If he were to lose some weight, you could likely get more creative and some of the problem would disappear (or at least diminish, if you don’t mind the double entendre).

Honestly, we need to get real about weight problems. I think we’re so afraid of “fat shaming” people that we’re almost scared to say these days that “being severely overweight is not attractive and is not a good thing to do.” And even in marriage, sometimes we have to speak up. It’s not healthy for him to be that overweight. Having a beer belly is associated with all sorts of health problems, including erectile dysfunction, heart problems, breast cancer, and even metabolic issues (where it becomes even harder to lose weight).

My husband and I recently got FitBits, and they really do challenge you to get your steps in. My brother-in-law is an accountant, and he manages to get like 15,000 steps in a day. He just paces in his office all day rather than sits down now. He finds it a real motivator. And he’s lost a significant amount of weight in a short period of time.

If your husband’s body is impeding your sex life, I think it’s okay to say that. “It’s hard for me to get as much pleasure from sex as I otherwise should because of your size. Can we change our lifestyle so that we can help you lose weight and help me stay healthy?”

When your husband’s penis is too small: try different positions

If your husband isn’t that well-endowed, you also want to make sure that you make the most of what you’ve got–in other words, making sure you achieve full penetration.

The missionary position is one of the worst for this, because in general your bodies come into contact with one another and stop movement before full penetration is reached.

Try with you on top, because that often feels fuller and there’s nothing hindering penetration.

You can also try where he is kneeling or standing. In general, you’ll find that positions where you’re at right angles with one another (like woman on top or him standing) will work better than any position where you’re parallel to one another.

The best thing is just to experiment! I love the Sock Monkey Kama Sutra for that. It’s a book of sex positions using sock puppets, and it’s awesome because it’s hard to find something to recommend that doesn’t involve some sort of pornographic pictures of actual people. But these are sock puppets. And the “kama sutra” stuff really isn’t emphasized that much. It’s not eastern religions; it really is just positions. So I’d work your way through the book until you find ones with more penetration possibilities!

Other Tips for Sex When His Penis is Small

Anything that you can do to increase friction or penetration will tend to help increase feeling. So, by definition, things that reduce friction are likely a bad idea. If you can, ditch the lubricant. If you’re too “slippery”, you run the risk of not feeling much of anything at all.

And, as this reader already mentioned, do Kegel exercises as much as possible, and then squeeze while he’s inside you. That really does help!

What About Sex Toys to Help You Out?

Okay, this is one that I’ve been seriously thinking about it for a while now. I’m not a big fan of sex toys in general. I think that they can be a shortcut to something that can end up diminishing sex in the long run. Research has shown that what creates mind-blowing orgasms, and what makes sex so intense, is not necessarily just physical stimulation but instead feeling really emotionally and spiritually vulnerable with your spouse. Sex is more than physical, and when we emphasize the physical above all else, we can make it difficult to achieve real intimacy.

But that being said, I’ve been chatting with other Christian sex bloggers (like J from Hot, Holy and Humorous) who feel very similarly to me about how some couples just need some help.

And I do think that there is a difference between sex toys that are masturbatory in nature, when you’re having basically parallel sexual encounters, and “marital aids”, as they used to call them, when they can actually help with intercourse. (Penis rings, for instance, can help guys who suffer from erectile dysfunction stay “hard” for longer, and that can definitely be useful).

So I’m hoping to write a post soon on marital aids that may be worth buying in some situations. We also have the issue where you don’t necessarily want to support a sex toy company that sells really weird stuff, and so where do you even buy them? So let me think about that and I hope to have a good answer soon.

As Always: Get Really Good at Foreplay

Honestly, if he’s on the small side, then maybe what he can do is get really, really good at oral sex. There’s likely nothing wrong with his mouth or fingers! And there are other ways to bring you to orgasm.

The problem is that this requires communication. You need to be able to open up and say:

“I’d really like to try this, because I think it would make me feel really good.”

That can be a less awkward conversation if you were to say, “I’d like to try this. What would you like to try?” So there’s more of a back and forth.

I do hope that helps, and I’m going to think about that marital aid post and try to find a good place to recommend. And please do read the post about the husband with the big belly, because that will also answer a lot of questions.

But for now, let’s talk in the comments: any tips for feeling “fuller” when you’re making love? (I’m really curious to see how many will actually comment!

Homeschoolers: We Need to Police Our Own

There is a dark side of homeschooling where abuse can flourish, and I want to talk about that today.

But first, a bit of background: I homeschooled both of my daughters right through, up to university (Rebecca completed first year university online before she went to the University of Ottawa, and Katie completed most of it). I firmly believe that this was the best thing we ever did as a family, and my girls will tell you the same thing. They got an amazing education. They were able to have amazing part-time jobs that helped them so much. They excelled in some extracurricular competitions and were able to dedicate time to them. They developed hobbies and skills that have lasted beyond university (Katie started a YouTube channel at 16 that now supports her full-time). They took multiple music lessons and now play instruments that they can use on a praise team or for their own pleasure. And they did all of that during the day, so that, in general, we had evenings at home.

I can’t imagine a better family life.

Learning French while camping!

I also firmly believe that homeschooling, if done well, is usually completely superior to a school system, because education can be tailored to the child’s abilities and interests, and you can avoid all the busy-work of the classroom setting. So you get far more done. My girls were roughly 3 grade levels ahead on just about everything, while we did academic work for only about 4 hours a day during the elementary/middle school years (the other hours we did swimming lessons and music lessons and sports and just extracurricular trips).

That being said, I also firmly believe two things:

Some people do their children an incredible disservice by “homeschooling” them badly, so that they get virtually no education at all;

and

Abuse is higher among homeschoolers than the general Christian population.

I want to flesh out those two things today, and then talk about our response.

This week I’ve talked about communities where there have been crises of abuse, and here’s the point I really want to drive home:

It is not that certain communities have more evil people in it, so this is not an indictment of certain communities. It is instead that certain communities promote a culture where abuse can flourish: where men especially have power over others; where there is an ethos of hyper-obedience to authority figures; where there is secrecy and an attempt to protect the community’s reputation at all costs; where outsiders are viewed with suspicion; and where women and children have little power.

I wrote a long explanation of how this happens and the effects in this post begging Christians not to make I won’t rehash that here, but I would like to explain how this can happen among homeschoolers.

Most homeschoolers are amazing. But homeschooling also attracts abusers. What is our response?Click To Tweet
Homeschoolers Are a Very Diverse Group

All kinds of studies have shown that homeschoolers, on average, perform better on standardized tests than kids at school, and I do believe those studies. It makes sense. Kids who get one on one instruction will just learn to read and do math more quickly. But that being said, it does not follow that ALL homeschoolers are academically superior.

I’ve belonged to several homeschooling groups over my life, and I’ve spoken at multiple homeschooling conventions. And this is how I’d divide it (and this is ME totally guessing these numbers. I have absolutely no scientific backing to this. This is simply my personal observation):

10-20% of homeschoolers get an amazing, advanced education

Their parents want their kids to learn so much, and are excited by the academic prospects homeschooling brings. They lean towards a classical education, and love inspiring debate and creativity in their kids. When these kids graduate, they are often far ahead of peers.

Not to brag (although it will sound like bragging), I’d put my own kids in this category. And I know others in my circle whose kids have gone on to become doctors, lawyers, engineers, or even start their own businesses.

30-40% of homeschoolers get an above average education

They really know grammar, spelling, and math rules. They have these down pat, which allows them to more easily excel at high school English and at advanced math, because the foundation was so strong. They aren’t necessarily academically inclined, but if you compare them to the average classroom schooled child, they end up ahead. Their focus at home isn’t necessarily on academics, but because of the rigorous foundation and one-on-one instruction, they tend to do quite well.

20-30% of homeschoolers get an average education

If you look at statistics for schooled kids, a high minority of kids graduating high school can’t actually write a decent paragraph. Some homeschoolers would fall into this category, too. Academics really weren’t the focus at home, but they learned enough to get by. Often where these kids excelled were in other areas–entrepreneurial skills, trade skills, something else.

10-20% of homeschoolers get virtually NO education

Unfortunately, I know far too many families who “homeschool”, but what they really mean is simply “we don’t send our kids to school”, not “we actually teach them anything”. And all too often these kids grow up virtually illiterate, or unable to get a GED (in Canada that’s what we call a high school equivalency certificate; I don’t know what they call it elsewhere). They’re held back in life because it’s hard to get just about any job if you don’t have a GED and you really don’t have any marketable skills. And you can’t expand your education on your own without a GED.

So why are academic achievements among homeschoolers so diverse?

I think it’s because we homeschool for different reasons.

1. Academic Reasons to Homeschool:

Some people homeschool because they want their kids to learn a ton. They grew up bored in school themselves and don’t want that for their kids. They want their kids to love learning and to have every opportunity to learn.

2. Logistics Reasons to Homeschool:

Families want family time. They don’t want to be rushing around every night after school, getting kids to soccer or piano or swimming lessons, and never having time as a family. They want the siblings to play together and to have down time together and to enjoy each other. If you homeschool, even if you’re busy in the evenings, at least you see each other during the day.

3. Faith Reasons to Homeschool:

Some families want to be able to teach their kids the depth of their faith, and to have that be a large part of schooling. They don’t want their kids exposed to what the public school teaches.

4. Family Reasons to Homeschool:

Some families just get really big, and it’s easier to keep kids home.

5. Control Reasons to Homeschool:

Some families have very strict ideas of what is acceptable behaviour and beliefs, and they want to ensure that their kids have the same behaviour and beliefs as the parents. They are controlling and verging on abusive (if not outright abusive), because they believe the children must conform absolutely to parents’ wishes.

I’d say Keith and I emphasized #1 and #2, with some degree of #3. But I’d say likely the majority of homeschoolers do so based on #3.

But here’s where it gets tricky. If you’re a well-meaning, happy, lovely #3 homeschooling family, and you meet a #5 homeschooling family, it’s easy to assume that the #5 is really #3.

Because you homeschool for very good reasons of wanting your kids to know Jesus, when you meet a family who is even more adamant about it, couching their beliefs about homeschooling in Christian terms (“the world is trying to pervert our children, and it is our God-given duty to train up our children appropriately to be godly”), then we assume they’re just like us.

But what if they’re not?

Here’s the rub:
I believe abuse will be higher among homeschoolers than the general Christian population

Homeschooling can be a wonderful thing. But homeschooling also naturally attracts people who have very rigid views of family hierarchy, who are very controlling and anti-authority in other ways, who want the ability to control their kids with no outside influence, and who love the idea of being able to do things in secret.

That does not mean that all homeschoolers are like that. But because of the nature of homeschooling (you’re doing it behind closed doors; you have absolute authority over your kids; your children are sheltered from outside influence), parents who are controlling in an abusive way will gravitate to it.

This is why I firmly believe that the rate of abuse among homeschoolers is likely higher than in the general population.

Homeschoolers, we need to get real about the danger some children are in within our circles


Homeschoolers: We need to get real about the abuse in our midst. Click To Tweet

I hear so much at homeschooling conventions about promoting the rights of homeschoolers from government interference.

I actually agree, to a large extent. Parents in general can school their kids better, especially with all of the materials available to us now.

But if we are going to say that, then we must also agree to police our own.

We must look out for the children in our midst. We must be real that the threat exists. And some degree of government oversight may just be necessary.

If you are in a homeschooling group, you may be the only safe adults some kids will ever see. Controlling, abusive families usually go to controlling, abusive churches and come from controlling/abusive families. And they don’t tend to let their kids socialize in the wider community. So in your homeschooling sports events or field trips, you may be the only safe people those kids see.

And if you don’t speak up for them, maybe no one ever will.

One of the things that haunts me is the children of three families that I let down.

I was a young mom in awe of some of these older homeschooling families. I thought things were odd, but I was naive. I thought they were just more passionate than I was. But there were red flags and warning signs, and I didn’t follow it up. And as the kids have grown up, I’ve now learned of actual abuse which I think I suspected, but didn’t let myself admit at the time.

There were two families who were physically abusive that I should have pushed and asked questions about. Maybe then I would have seen the abuse. And there were two families who just simply failed to teach their kids anything who similarly should have been reported (there was actually overlap; one family is in both categories).

Our homeschooling group was wonderful, in general. Many of the kids have gone on to be artists of some sort. One girl has been accepted in an elite art school. Katie has YouTube. My daughter Rebecca has just written a book about to come out with a major publisher. A group of our boys have a band that’s coming together (here’s a video where they asked Katie to star in it):

It was a great community, a great experience, with many great memories. Except for those three families.

We’re always telling Muslims that if they don’t want government interference in their mosques, then they need to start turning in suspected terrorists.

Well, homeschoolers, if we don’t want government interference in what we do, then we need to turn in those bad ones in our lot, too.

Don’t do what I did. Don’t assume that everyone is well-meaning. Don’t assume that they’re just “more passionate”. If red flags go up, push. Investigate. Ask questions. Talk to the kids. They need you.

Now let me know in the comments: Have you seen this dynamic in homeschooling groups? How should it be handled? Do you have regrets about not turning in families that you have known?

The post Homeschoolers: We Need to Police Our Own appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

What We Need Stop Saying to Single People

Sometimes, even though we’re well-meaning, we end up saying really stupid things to single people.

It’s Thursday morning, and the bedhead is real with me today. I meant to get up early and write an epic post to end my series this week on cultures that promote child abuse by zeroing in on a culture closer to home.

But quite frankly, I am too tired. Yesterday we spent 13 hours moving my daughter and son-in-law into their new apartment, and taking ownership of the investment property that Keith and I just bought (Becca and Connor are living in the basement, and we’re renting out the upstairs. It’s lovely. If you’re in Ottawa and are looking for a 3 bedroom apartment, email me!).

And so I was delighted when my daughter Katie made another great video (we’re both so humbled by the reaction to her purity video that I posted earlier this week!), and I thought I’d share it with you today since I have to rush over to Becca’s and help her unpack before boxes fall on her 5-pound dog Winston.

This is Winston:

Plus I’m feeling guilty because yesterday I MAY have sort of run over part of Connor’s foot. It’s not as bad as it sounds. But it’s still really stupid and careless and I feel bad. So I should go help the kids. (I may tell you that story of my stupidity later. It’s a good one).

And I’ll write that epic post hopefully tomorrow!

So without further adieu, here’s Katie with a really important message (and the part about how we assume that “You need to just throw yourself into your relationship with the Lord, because it’s only once you’re complete without a guy that God will bring a guy into your life” is so true. It makes it sound like people in a relationship are totally right with God, and those who aren’t are somehow spiritually inferior. Please–let’s stop inadvertently shaming those who are single! Oh, and it’s okay to be sad when you’re single. Being sad and not being at peace are not synonymous. You can be at peace with your life and still wish you were married. We’re asking single people to not want something that God made us to crave. Stop!).

Here’s Katie:

Like Katie’s videos? Be sure to subscribe! And share them on Facebook, too!

Now let’s talk in the comments: What stupid things do we say to single people? Has anyone ever said anything stupid to you?

The post What We Need Stop Saying to Single People appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.