Sheila Wray Gregoire's Blog, page 128
July 26, 2017
Can We Reclaim “Sexy” As Christians?
The world treats sex like it’s shallow, only physical, and thus rather degrading. And in our quest to reclaim sex as something which God created to be beautiful, I think sometimes we run so far in the other direction that we leave some things that God created for our good pleasure in a trash heap, for our culture to appropriate and make their own.
And then we seem to lose those things.
I think “sexy” is one of those things.
To most of us who read this blog, I would think that “sexy” and “slutty” are synonyms.
If you think of a “sexy” dress, you think of a “slutty” dress. If you think of “acting sexy”, you immediately think, “acting slutty.”
And then what do we have left?
Do we think of 'sexy' and 'slutty' as synonyms? What does that say about how we see sex?Click To Tweet
I’m in the middle of the Sizzling Summer Sex Series this July, where everyday I post a something new about how to make sex great in your marriage. And while I’ve had a ton to say this month, today’s topic has me a little stumped.
So I’m hoping you can help!
I recently received this email from a husband who reads my blog, asking about how couples can reclaim “sexy” things, like sexy clothing, or sexy movement or poses, just for the bedroom. I think he raises an interesting question. Here’s what he’s asking:
My wife and I really appreciate your perspectives and your writing. The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex was a good thing for us, and we recommend it to others.
I have a question. One evening I commented to my wife that I thought the particular set of clothes she had on was attractive and quite sexy, and she asked me “why??”.
I was totally surprised!
That was the first time it had occurred to me that she didn’t just innately know what kinds of things are sexy. Or that everyone didn’t just know what kinds of things are sexy. I understood that men and women are attracted by different things in general. But I didn’t know that she didn’t know what I thought was sexy.
Of course, though the definition of that word is radically different for everyone there do seem to be some common patterns. The marketing world in particular seems to have identified certain elements of dress, position, and movement that a majority of people find attractive and sexy.
Unfortunately, they’ve exploited those patterns to usually poor, and often evil, purpose.
What I’m wondering is if there’s a good way for Christian wives to reclaim those things. To identify and re-appropriate patterns of dress, dance, movement, poses, whatever, that strike a common sexual and attractive chord in many people, and to bring them back within the bonds of marriage to strengthen and sustain their marital relationships?
It’s hard to learn those things for good purpose when most of the sources don’t have a good spirit about them at all. Even underwear ads that employ the above mentioned tactics, though common, are designed to get money from anyone who will give it, not to strengthen marriage.
In a nutshell, how can a wife (who already wants to be sexy for her husband) learn how to be sexy for her husband? How can her husband teach her when he doesn’t want to dive into worldly material?
Maybe the right answer is just: Have fun and figure it out on your own! What are your thoughts?
I’ve been mulling this over and I don’t have a great answer. So I thought I’d do something different today and just open it up for discussion. Here, then, are the questions:
1. Is it okay to dress “sexy” for your husband, at home?
2. Is it okay to dance or pose “sexy” for your husband, again, at home? (and for him to do the same if he wants!)
3. If yes to these questions, what would that look like? How would you decide? And how would you start to learn?
I’d love to hear your thoughts!
My super quick answer is that our bodies were made to be arousing, and most men do enjoy looking at a woman’s body. As a woman, that can be intoxicating and help her to feel really powerful and confident within the marriage (and again, we’re only talking WITHIN the marriage, in the bedroom here). But I think you just have to learn by doing.
What do you think?
Your Sizzling Summer Sex Challenge Day 18:
Let’s encourage him to look!
Either give your husband a lingerie fashion show tonight (with at least 3 outfits), or let him watch as you get undressed tonight. It’s okay to feel awkward!
Find other posts in the Sizzling Summer Sex Series here.
Marriage isn't supposed to be blah!
Sex is supposed to be stupendous--physically, emotionally, AND spiritually. If it's not, get The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex--and find out what you've been missing.
The post Can We Reclaim “Sexy” As Christians? appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.
July 25, 2017
5 Reasons Women May Need a Little Help–in the Bedroom!
Living as a Northern Gal, never-ending winter isn’t just a source of annoyance. It’s a source of extreme itchiness. I get such dry skin! Every morning, after my shower, I take a few minutes to enjoy the luscious feeling of rubbing moisturizer onto my legs and my torso.
If my hubby wants to make me melt, all he has to do is pull the massage oil out of the drawer and start kneading my back. The oil, combined with the pressure, makes the tension float away–and makes me far more interested in other kinds of slippery pursuits!
Plenty of times I turn to “moisture” to give me a hand at relaxing and feeling wonderful.
And yet somehow we women feel like it would be cheating to turn to some helpful lubricants when it comes to the bedroom. Dry skin? Sure. Sore muscles? But of course! Yet we feel we should be able to defeat hormonal fluctuations or menopause or stress, all of which can cause “dryness” sexually, on our own.
Today, for our Sizzling Summer Sex Series, I want to sound the freedom beacon to all you women:
It’s okay if you need some extra lube!
In fact, I want to tell you 5 reasons why lubrication in the bedroom can be just what you need to have more fun. And thank you to Femallay for sponsoring this post, too!
Lubricants aren't 'naughty'. They can make marriage more fun--and many women need them.Click To Tweet
1. Women Naturally Fluctuate in the Amount of Lubrication Our Bodies Produce
Certain times of the month we’ll find that we get “wet” fairly easily–often right in the middle of our cycle (and for some women right after their periods). But other times of the month, especially right before the next period, our bodies don’t tend to cooperate as much. (If you want to understand how this cycle works, check out this post on our hormone levels throughout the month).
What’s our reaction?
We often berate ourselves, thinking, “why am I not in the mood tonight?” Or we start getting mad at our husbands: “He’s just not doing it right!”
Maybe it’s got nothing to do with either of you!
2. Lubrication Helps You Respond More Easily When Your Body Changes
Sure, we all have hormonal fluctuations during the month. But that’s nothing compared to what happens when menopause approaches. Nursing, pregnancy, menopause, or even perimenopause can often cause a woman to have trouble with lubrication. Just like once you hit 40 most of us start to need reading glasses, so once you hit menopause most of us have a harder time with natural lubrication. You could be perfectly “turned on”–mentally, emotionally, even physically–but you’re just not lubricated.
It’s actually one of the first signs of menopause for many women. And if you need reading glasses to read, it’s okay to need lubrication to really enjoy making love!
3. Lubrication Helps Us Get Aroused More Easily
My husband Keith can massage me without using massage oil, and it still feels fine. But when he uses oil it feels heavenly! It’s the difference between pressure and friction. Pressure is wonderful, but friction can be annoying.
Sexually, we women tend to work the same way. We like the pressure; but friction doesn’t feel as good. Lubrication helps us just feel the pressure, and not the friction. And when that happens, it’s often easier to get even more aroused.
Let’s not forget that for men, arousal tends to precede making love, whereas for women, arousal tends to come once you start. Most of us aren’t “turned on” when we start kissing and touching. It happens only later. So lubrication can give us that boost we need!
4. Lubrication Helps You Be More Adventurous in Bed
Let’s face it–quickies are fun! Sometimes you want to put those kids in front of a video and head upstairs and play beat the clock. But that’s easier if you don’t need a ton of foreplay to be ready.
And sometimes we just want to try something that’s a tad adventurous, but may not be as comfortable as what you usually do. Lubrication can help new positions feel much better.
5. Commercial Lubricants Have Gotten Much Better!
Remember the days of KY jelly, when everything felt like thick vaseline? Lubrication was more like a visit to the gynecologist than something fun.
But today’s lubes are much less vaseline-like. And they don’t need to be purchased at an “adult” shop at all! I want to thank Femallay for being one of my blog’s huge supporters. They have an awesome website where you can order things in the privacy of your own home, and they carry natural feminine products that help you with menstruation, with intimacy, and so much more!
And they offer a unique way to stay lubricated. Most lubricants are rubbed over the guy, but these suppositories are inserted into the vagina. Why is that neat? It means that you don’t have to take time out during your “fun” for him to grab a tube. Instead, you can insert it first, it melts fast, and then you’re ready to go! In fact, you can even insert it and then surprise him with something!
The suppositories come in either a plain scent free, flavor free version, or they have twelve yummy ones that work perfectly for oral sex or other such pursuits.
Just because you want some help doesn’t mean it’s not “natural”!
Needing lubrication in the bedroom doesn't mean things aren't 'natural'!Click To Tweet
I think we feel that we’re “supposed” to respond a certain way, and if our bodies don’t, there’s something wrong with us. And isn’t everything supposed to be natural and easy?
But these suppositories are natural–made with natural butters and oils, and containing Vitamin E which doesn’t just lubricate, it also moisturizes. You insert them with a simple applicator, and then they just melt on their own.
But besides that, lubrication often just lets you have more fun because you can be more spontaneous and still really enjoy it! Often we picture lubrication as necessary when you’re just starting to have sex, and then when menopause comes. But it can be a great addition to the bedroom in between then, too.
Use the code SUMMERLOVE10 for 10% off your order at Femallay, until July 31!
Now, today’s Sizzling Summer Sex Challenge is a racy one!
Your Sizzling Summer Sex Challenge Day 17:
Get some lubricant and do something spontaneous!
Apply it beforehand and then surprise your husband with something hot and heavy–a quickie, a new position, even something where you’re barely undressed! Give both of you a great memory of how adventurous you can be!
Find other posts in the Sizzling Summer Sex Series here.
31 Days to Great Sex is here (only $4.99!) It's the best $5 you'll ever spend on your marriage!
Learn to talk more, flirt more, and even explore more! You'll work on how to connect emotionally, spiritually, AND physically.
Find out more To Love, Honor and Vacuum.
July 24, 2017
Can Sex and Family Vacations Go Together?
It’s our last week of our Sizzling Summer Sex Series! All through the month of July, we’ve been talking about how to make sex sizzle in your marriage. And I thought it may be good to dedicate one of the posts in our series to sex in the summer–specifically to sex and family vacations.
I actually talked about this for the first time four years ago, and started a huge commotion in the comments with people vehemently disagreeing with one another. So perhaps I have a bit of a masochistic streak, but I thought I’d revisit it, since it is a question many of us have. And even though this is the sizzling summer sex series, this post may not, well, sizzle. See what you think:
How does sex work in a family vacation?
Here’s the scenario: You’re on vacation with your kids. You’re there to relax. So should sex be part of that? Well, let’s think this through, starting with this big factor:
You’ve got kids with you!
Can sex and family vacations go together? A look at why it may be better to cool it:Click To Tweet
We spent most of our family vacations when the children were small in tent trailers, traveling around Canada. It was great fun, but the children are right there with you. And you know what happens to trailers when you try to–you know? They move.
Friends of ours who often traveled with us were in stitches one morning. I asked what was so funny, and my friend explained, “last night we were having fun when our 6-year-old gets out of bed and yells at the top of his voice, “Will you please stop rocking the trailer!”
Yep. Tent trailers and sex are difficult.
But hotel rooms can be worse. You’re in two double beds, and the kids are only about 6 feet away from you. Not exactly romantic.
And as bad as it is when kids are little, it’s way worse when they’re older and actually know what’s going on. We’ll be taking some trips in our RV this summer with our youngest daughter sleeping in there with us (while older daughter & hubby are in their own tent, and youngest daughter’s boyfriend is in his tent). You can be pretty sure that we’re not going to scar Katie by doing anything while she’s right there (you can thank me later, Katie).
That’s why my husband and I have just realized that family vacations are for just that–family. They’re not really couple time. Sure, you can take advantage of times when the kids are off doing something else (if they’re old enough to go somewhere by themselves), and quickies can be fun (and funny!), but in general, a family vacation is a time to concentrate on your kids, not the sexual side of your marriage. And I honestly think that’s okay.
If you’re in a tent with a separate bedroom, or a separate hotel room or cabin with your own bedroom, then that’s wonderful. (And tents with two separate sleeping areas are ideal, and definitely worth the investment!) But not everyone can afford that. So if you’re all thrown together to create memories–well, perhaps it’s better that sex isn’t one of those memories. 
July 21, 2017
A Recipe for a Romantic Evening–with Natural Aphrodisiacs
We’re in the middle of our Sizzling Summer Sex Series, where we talk about how to make sex sizzle in your marriage. And this week we’ve been focusing on our bodies–how to nourish them, understand them, and treat them well so that sex is much easier and much more fun!
And I thought today we can cap that part of the series off by looking at what we can do naturally to help us feel sexier.
Sexual desire is tied to several things: our hormones (which we can do very little about); our endorphins, or the chemicals in our brain that make us feel happy or excited; and our blood circulation (especially circulation DOWN THERE. ☺ ).
While we can’t affect our hormones too much in the short term (though we can help boost them properly by eating well), we can certainly naturally stimulate endorphins and circulation. With a little planning, you can have an awesome, sexy night with your husband.
Begin with Laughter
Laughter nourishes the soul–and boosts your libido! So curl up with your husband and watch a funny movie. Choose some funny conversation starters to make you chuckle. Even choose a 2-player board game, like Jenga, that will reduce stress and boost your mood.
Get the Blood Flowing
Next to laughter, there’s no better natural aphrodisiac than exercise. It releases toxins, stimulates endorphins, and gets your blood circulating all at the same time! Go for an after dinner bike ride with your husband. Go for a jog. Or even pull out that old Wii and play some active games on it! That will combine laughter and exercise all at the same time.
A Recipe for a Romantic Evening--with natural aphrodisiacs! Click To Tweet
Add the Right Scents
The scents of the right essential oils often define “sexy” to us. Men, especially, tend to be partial to patchouli or sandalwood, while women often like to add a little spearmint to lighten the scent. We often enjoy jasmine and clary sage, too. So put a few drops of one or two oils in a diffuser and wait for the aroma to put you in that “come hither” mood!
Early in the day you can start by priming your libido with one of the more feminine scents, like clary sage. Then, when you’re snuggling with your husband, add those that pack a punch, like patchouli.
Here’s a nice aphrodisiac blend:
2 drops sandalwood
2 drops patchouli
2 drops ylang ylang
Nibble Something Luxurious
Certain foods, like dark chocolate, have long been known to be aphrodisiacs. Keep some on hand just for date nights–and don’t tell the kids where the stash is.
Add Some Spice!
Spicy things stimulate circulation, which also stimulates libido! In fact, many manufacturers now combine spicy with dark chocolate to give you a complete natural aphrodisiac. Chili pepper dark chocolate is hard to resist, and tastes much better than it sounds. Trust me.
Or for your main course at dinnertime, enjoy some spicy Indian food, as long as that sits well with your stomach. Nothing helps you lose desire faster than feeling queasy.
Warming foods also do a great job of setting the mood. A spice like ginger is both warming and circulation-enhancing, and it’s a great one to add to your main course. Cinnamon also is very warming, so on a fall night, simmer some cinnamon-sprinkled apple cider in your slow cooker and sip it throughout the evening. Or choose some herbal teas that contain cinnamon or ginger, and enjoy them throughout the evening.
Laughter, spice, massage, essential oils, warming foods--it's a recipe for a romantic evening!Click To Tweet
Luxuriate in a Massage
Massage releases tension, but also releases toxins and endorphins.
Here’s another truth: for women, sex largely begins in the brain. While men tend to be aroused before they start making love, for women, getting in the mood tends to be a little more complicated. When our brains are focusing on other things, our bodies have a hard time following.
Starting with a massage helps you to relax and empty your head of all those stray thoughts. You can concentrate on your body again (which you’ve likely been ignoring all day as you ran around, getting things done). And that helps us to realize, “Hey! My body actually does feel good!”
And remember–you can get access to a FREE massage mini-course from MELT: Massage for Couples, right here!
Have You Heard of the Boost Your Libido Course?
If your libido is sub-zero, I want to help you BOOST it–and get to the point where you actually WANT sex!
In this 10-module video course, I walk you step-by-step through understanding what libido is, identifying your roadblocks to libido, and figuring out how to turn yourself ON again! And we look at how the brain, body, and emotions all contribute to our desire (or lack of it). It’s super fun, and right from the beginning you’ll experience HOPE that you really can anticipate and yearn for sex in your marriage!
Learn more here.
Enjoy Each Other
Now that you’ve got everything ready, have fun together! And see how much more fun it can be when you’ve planned the night, put some effort in, and have looked forward to what’s coming!
Your Sizzling Summer Sex Challenge Day 15:
Pick a night this week where you can plan a sexy evening–with natural aphrodisiacs.
Get the conversation starters or board game ready, get some massage oil and some essential oils, pick up some dark chocolate, and plan a main course with ginger! Let your husband in on what you’re doing, too!
Find other posts in the Sizzling Summer Sex Series here.
Let me know in the comments: What things naturally get you “in the mood?” Let’s talk!
31 Days to Great Sex is here (only $4.99!) It's the best $5 you'll ever spend on your marriage!
Learn to talk more, flirt more, and even explore more! You'll work on how to connect emotionally, spiritually, AND physically.
Find out more To Love, Honor and Vacuum.
July 20, 2017
A Fun Way to Get Up Close and Personal!
I hold these truths to be self-evident:
We all want great sex.
For most women, intercourse alone does not provide enough pleasure for orgasm. Therefore, manual and/or oral stimulation is a big necessity!
Many women (and many men) are hesitant about oral sex on the woman because of the smell.
Therefore, we have a bit of a problem, don’t we?
All through the month of July we’ve been doing the Sizzling Summer Sex Series, where we talk about how to make sex more fun and intimate in your marriage. This week we’ve been looking at naturally caring for our bodies. Yesterday I was talking about how we’re not supposed to smell like flowers. Your vagina isn’t supposed to smell like soap.
After all, think about it: your vagina is internal, and it’s constantly a little bit moist. That means that it will have a smell, no matter what you do. But that smell isn’t necessarily bad.
Your husband’s genitals, on the other hand, are on the outside. They’re not always moist. And so if he’s freshly washed, the scent and taste can be rather neutral. That means that oral sex on him in many ways seems easier and, in some ways, not as personal. I mean, his “man parts” are out there on display all the time. They’re not hidden. But when it comes to our “parts”, often we’re not even sure entirely what’s down there, since we can’t even see it without a mirror.
So oral sex on you is more personal, more private, and thus more vulnerable.
And it’s also a little, well, smellier.
What, then, do you do?
I’m so thrilled that Femallay contacted me and asked to be a sponsor of this blog (and thank you so much for all you do to help me pay for my assistants, Femallay!). And when I found out what they offer, I was even more thrilled, because this is stuff I can totally get behind.
I already told you about the natural, reusable menstrual products that Femallay offers–sponges and cups and reusable pads. Because some of what causes major smells in your vagina is your vagina overreacting to scented products, using reusable products instead of disposable ones can stop that right away, too.
But then they also have flavored vagina suppositories–which inserted with an applicator (it seriously is easy peasy, easier than a tampon), and these melt fast and provide you with both lubrication and flavour. You can go the fun romantic route:
Or you can go more of a fruity route:
They’ve also got watermelon, pink grapefruit, strawberry, vanilla, banana, and so many more! Check them out here.
Here’s why I think flavored vaginal suppositories are such a great idea.
First, it provides easy lubrication, and there are three stages especially in a woman’s life when she really needs that: first, when she’s just married and sex is new; second, after a baby when things are getting back to the way they were; and third, for menopause and beyond when natural lubrication is harder to come by.
And when you keep things well lubricated, too, especially after menopause, you tend to stay healthier down there! And as a bonus, many women find that even if they have plenty of natural moisture “down below,” extra oil-based lubrication and suppositories can help them climax much easier and faster than they could otherwise during both intercourse and manual stimulation, too.
But it isn’t just about lubrication. It’s also about confidence! One woman wrote this comment yesterday on my post:
I didn’t smell until after getting married/started having sex. On our honeymoon, I was like, “I’ve never smelled like this before!” and my hubby said, “You’ve never been with a guy before!” [image error]
July 19, 2017
It’s Not Supposed to Smell Like Flowers: Vaginal Care 101
You’re not alone. Because of what we write about on this blog, we get many emails similar to this one:
Something I’ve never been able to find on your blog, or other Christian marriage blogs, is anything to do with women worried about the smell of their (healthy) vulva/vagina. It’s something I really struggle with and have since I was 15. I would put bounce sheets in my pants because I was afraid other people could smell me (I have very heightened senses, and I think because it’s something I’m worried about, I notice it a lot more). Now I struggle in my marriage with this (husband is great, so it’s not a spousal issue). It would be really great to have a Christian perspective.
It’s a little strange sometimes to be the place on the internet where Christian women can go with all their vagina questions, but I’m glad you’re not afraid to ask the awkward questions! And since this is such a common one, I thought the Sizzling Summer Sex Series was a great time to address it!
Vaginal Smell is a huge concern for many women when it comes to sex. You don’t want him to think you’re gross, or you don’t want to be afraid that you’re going to smell funny and he’ll notice.
But I think a lot of this fear comes from this misconception about what your vagina is actually supposed to smell like.
It’s not supposed to smell like flowers.
Seriously. It’s not. And that’s an odd concept to get your head around sometimes. Our armpits smell, we put a scented deodorant on. We use shampoo and conditioner that smells like coconut. But a clean, healthy vagina doesn’t smell like flowers. And that’s OK.
It's not supposed to smell like flowers! Vaginal Care 101 for wives: Click To Tweet
Some people do have more smell than others.
Some women have more discharge than others, and they often have a bit more smell than others.
So what causes the vagina to smell unpleasantly?
1. Scented Soaps
All you really need to do to keep yourself clean “down there” is to rinse it with water and either a mild soap or just coconut oil, even when you’re in the shower each day. Using spray deodorants or putting bounce sheets in your underwear is a recipe for irritation or a yeast infection. In fact, if you wash a lot with scented soaps or you use douches, you can actually cause more smell because you throw off the pH levels and the vagina goes into smell production overdrive. So just keep it natural! And the same goes for laundry detergents. Sometimes it’s a good idea to wash your underwear separately, by hand, with an unscented mild detergent.
In other words, don’t add good smells to combat bad smells–instead, just be a bit more diligent with changing your underwear more often (maybe twice a day instead of once), and ensure that you are washing yourself (with something unscented, or just plain water) in the shower every day.
2. Sweat
Just like with other parts of our bodies, when sweat builds up, it can emit an odour. So wash after exercising, and avoid things that may cause excessive sweat in the vaginal area–like wearing tight underwear. In fact, even shed those panties at night and let the vagina breathe!
3. Spicy Foods
Sometimes spicy foods can throw off the pH levels. If you’re very sensitive to smell, steer clear of things with hot peppers! And some women find that onions, coffee, and alcohol can change the smell, too.
The good news is that GOOD food can make everything smell neutral again! So just add some yogurt with probiotics to your diet. Like we talked about yesterday, we need to nourish our bodies if we want great sex.
Do all these things, and your vagina will just smell, well, like you.
If you’re smelling a really “fishy” smell, though, it may be time to get checked out by a doctor because you may have bacterial vaginosis. Some STDs and allergies to condoms also can cause a really bad odour, so if something is seriously off–do ask your doctor.
In most cases, though, there’s nothing really wrong. We’re just a little bit self-conscious.
So here are 6 things you can do to help you feel more confident around your husband.
1. Keep it trimmed
Keeping your pubic hair neat and trimmed can help you feel more confident about your ability to clean yourself and help you feel more clean in general.
2. Start with a bath
If you are really concerned about smell, and you know you’re going to be making love later, why not get yourself ready by sitting in a nice hot bath? It’ll help you relax, and you’ll feel clean and fresh.
3. Try some foreplay in the shower!
If your husband takes you by surprise and you are concerned that you haven’t had a chance to clean up, why not pull him into the shower for some steamy fun?
4. Try a specially formulated vaginal lubricant
If you’re really nervous, try a product that’s specially made for the vagina–that’s natural, and doesn’t have those chemically “flowery” smells. Femallay, one of this site’s amazing sponsors, has some great vaginal lubricants that are flavored! Gotta love it. And they help sex feel more comfortable, too.
I’ll be talking about these more tomorrow, but they can add some real fun to the bedroom–and give you a bit of confidence that works way better and is far better for you than a Bounce dryer sheet!
5. See your doctor
It may seem awkward, but if you’re seriously concerned it may be time to ask your doctor. It’ll give you confidence that either everything is good to go, or it’ll give you peace of mind knowing that there’s something you can do to fix it!
6. Remind yourself that it’s OK if it has a smell!
The goal isn’t for you to smell like anything else–it’s OK if your vagina smells a bit like a vagina. Similarly to how your hair smells like hair. When you’ve just jumped out of the shower, it smells like shampoo but after it’s dried, the next day it just smells like hair again. But your husband doesn’t mind if it doesn’t smell like shampoo–it’s OK for hair to smell like hair. It’s the same with “down there.”
This is a really sensitive subject for many women. But it doesn’t have to be. Sometimes the only problem is the one we’ve made up in our head.
Your Sizzling Summer Sex Challenge Day 13:
It’s time to get more comfortable with your vagina!
Do something today that can help you feel, well, cleaner. Trim, wax, or shave your public hair. Decide to sleep without underwear tonight. Get some coconut oil, put it in a pretty jar, and add it to your shower.
And, if you’re really brave, ask your husband to show you that he doesn’t mind the smell at all!
Find other posts in the Sizzling Summer Sex Series here.
Now let me know in the comments: Do you have insecurities about vaginal smell? What have you tried to make it better?
The post It’s Not Supposed to Smell Like Flowers: Vaginal Care 101 appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.
July 18, 2017
How to Nourish Your Body–So Sex Works Great!
A few years ago I watched the movie Bridget Jones’ Diary and read the book (neither were that spectacular, but everyone was talking about them so I wanted to see if they were good.) Other than the funny fact that Colin Firth played the “Darcy” character (if you know the book you know why that’s ironic), it was kind of forgettable.
But there’s one scene that I always laugh at. Everyday, in her diary, Bridget records how many calories she eats, religiously. And she’s always beating herself up about it.
And then one day she has this epiphany. She realizes, “The goal is not supposed to be 0!”
Food is not actually the enemy.
Over the last five years I’ve gotten a lot more careful with what I eat, simply because I have to or else I get some pretty serious side effects. But thinking back on how I used to see food, this was my general approach:
I eat because I’m hungry and food stops me from being hungry.
I eat because I want a particular food.
So food was about pleasure and about not being hungry. I really didn’t ever think about actual nutrition. Sure, when the babies were little I made sure they had vegetables, and I’ve always tried to cook fairly healthy. But on the whole I wasn’t thinking about the fact that food is actually fuel.
Food keeps our bodies going. And we need certain foods if we’re going to operate at peak performance. And whether we like it or not, our bodies have a lot to do with our sexual performance or even our sexual desire.
When we eat the wrong types of foods, we make our sex life worse.
We can get diabetes which can kill sex drive. Men can get erectile dysfunction. Sex because physically more complicated just because things get in the way.
But even if the health issues aren’t obvious (and in time, trust me, they will become obvious), you can still have them in the here and now because our bodies aren’t energetic.
My daughter Rebecca (who is celebrating her second anniversary today! Woo hoo!) has been on a bit of a health quest to try to clear up some physical problems she’s had, too, and I’ve asked her to chime in on what she’s learned about food and getting healthy.
When we think “getting healthy” we think diets and exercise.
You eat nothing but lettuce and chicken breasts for four weeks while you sweat at the gym 5x a week so you can maybe lose a few pounds you know you’ll just pack right back on as soon as the diet is over.
Connor and I are working (gradually) towards a non-toxic, plant-based lifestyle. Yup. We’re crazy. And a huge part of that is because I struggle with really bad PMS symptoms that make our lives much more difficult than they have to be.
But working through this for the last 6 months has taught me a lot–and I wanted to share some of those lessons with you!
What you eat impacts your entire life
I’m going to be honest: if you’re eating crap every day, if you very rarely eat any fruits and vegetables, and if you’re wondering why you have no libido, it’s time to change your habits. Our bodies actually NEED nutrients to function well.
What we eat impacts every single area of our lives because it’s the fuel for everything we do. It impacts our mental health, it impacts our motivation, and it affects our sex drives.
This is something I’ve really noticed. The days that I eat a healthy, balanced diet my energy levels soar, but when I have a day where I eat a bunch of chips it just plummets. I’m sluggish, tired, and grumpy because my body was never made to eat that kind of food.
If you want to boost your sex life up to the next level, maybe it’s time to look at what you’re putting into your body. I know my mom is going to read this, so I’m gonna keep this tame, but I’ve found that it’s way easier to get “in the mood” when I’ve had a diet primarily of plant-based meals that are rich with dark, leafy greens and fruits than when I’ve had chips or ordered pizza that week.
You can't expect an awesome sex life if you're not taking care to nourish your body.Click To Tweet
What you put on your body matters
I’ve always been really sensitive to chemicals. I get headaches really easily with 95% of perfumes so I can only wear 2 scents, and my skin has always been incredibly dry.
Switching to natural-based beauty products has been a fantastic experience.
In researching healthier options to mainstream beauty care products I’ve been reading more and more about how so many of the everyday ingredients we come into contact with have tons of negative side effects. As well, there are many anecdotal stories of how switching from chemical-heavy products to organic beauty products helped many women with hormonal imbalanced like PCOS, or even the Unveiled Wife’s story about how she cured her vaginismus by switching to paraben-free beauty products.
One of the most relieving things I found about switching to natural beauty products is that it doesn’t need to be expensive. (Big thank you to The Honest Company for sending me shampoos, conditioners, lotions and luxurious bubble baths to try out!)
Companies like The Honest Company are helping women make healthier choices by giving them natural products at much more reasonable prices than you’re going to find in a lot of health foods stores. (And don’t you love the French on the bottles? Yay for Canada! In Canada, you can find The Honest Company products at Chapters–saw a huge display of them recently.)
As well, they’re super open and transparent about all of the ingredients in their products so you can know what exactly you’re putting on your skin.
Your skin is your largest organ. And it’s really good at absorbing things. If you’re having problems like chronic headaches, irritated skin, yeast infections, or even painful sex, switching to organic, natural-based beauty products may give your body the break it needs to be able to get “in the mood!”
What you’re cleaning with may be part of the problem
One of Connor’s and my first fights was when he cleaned the entire apartment for me when I was away at school and my reaction when I came home was, “I can’t be in here–the smell is too strong!”
He got angry, because he had worked too hard, I was immediately hit with a pounding headache (that took 6 hours to go away) when I smelled all the chemicals… we weren’t a happy bunch.
To deal with this, my routine for the longest time was simply to stretch out all the cleaning over the week so that the smell was never overpowering. We did the bathroom on Saturdays, I cleaned the sink on Sunday, washed the mirrors and windows on Monday, etc.
But then it hit me: if this is giving me such pain and discomfort, why not just try something else? Instead of just having a one hour headache instead of a 6 hour one, why not just find something that would give me no headache at all?
It seems simple, but to me it was a revelation. Since then, we’ve been making our own cleaners with vinegar, essential oils, and citrus peels (get the instructions here). We use baking soda, my home-made cleaner, and some crushed egg shells mixed with baking soda as a heavy-duty scrubber (it does wonders on a bathtub).
If you’re anything like me, you’re not going to be wanting to jump into bed if you’ve got a pounding headache from cleaning earlier that day. Switching to natural cleaners has really helped me feel better at night, instead of having to pop an advil after dinner to keep my cleaner-induced headache away.
Overall, switching to natural products and foods has been a great experience. We aren’t 100% there yet, and it’ll be a long time before we are. But the benefits we’re seeing even now are so worth the little bit of extra time it takes to live a health-focused lifestyle!
Here’s what it comes down to: if you want your body to work well, you have to treat it well. Your body is sensitive to chemicals and junk. You need to put good stuff in it and on it if you want to nourish it. You can’t expect everything to work well if you’re depriving it of what it needs.
I think we all know that. The question is: are we going to make the change?
Your Sizzling Summer Sex Challenge Day 12:
Think of one healthy habit you can adopt in your life that will help you have more energy and get “in the mood” easier!
Is it cleaning up what you eat? Choosing different cleaning products? Choosing different beauty products? Don’t tackle everything at once–but choose the one that most resonates with you and start making some small changes.
Find other posts in the Sizzling Summer Sex Series here.
Now let me know in the comments: What sacrifices do you need to make to get healthier? What are your reasons for choosing the area of change that you did? Let’s talk!
Marriage isn't supposed to be blah!
Sex is supposed to be stupendous--physically, emotionally, AND spiritually.
If it's not, get The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex--and find out what you've been missing.
The post How to Nourish Your Body–So Sex Works Great! appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.
July 17, 2017
Reader Question: Is Masturbation Okay for Married Couples?
We’re starting week 3 of our Sizzling Summer Sex Series, and this week we’ll be looking at how to treat our bodies well to naturally boost our libidos and our enjoyment of sex. But before we do that, I want to cap off our section on spicing things up in marriage with a question that pops up quite a bit: is it okay to masturbate when you’re married?
A reader writes:
My husband and I have both masturbated since out teens and it was something we brought into our marriage. After marriage we both use it at times when we are turned on, but the other person is not available for sex. It doesn’t replace sex in our relationship and we only think about each other when we are doing it. Christians seem to be pretty split on the issue. Some say it is wrong no matter what, and others say it is OK as long as both partners are aware of it and it is not taking away from the relationship. Our kids are also reaching an age where we want to start talking to them about sex and we want to discuss masturbation with them as well.
Masturbation has come up a lot in this series, especially when we were talking about how women often need clitoral stimulation to reach orgasm.
Often that’s easier to achieve if you show him how you like to be touched, or move his hand. But then some husbands were balking because that seemed like masturbation.
So I’m glad this woman asked this question. I’ve talked about it before on the blog, but it’s been a few years, so let’s explore this again by going back to first principles.
There’s nothing inherently wrong with touching your own genitals
Seriously. Your body is your body, and you’re meant to know how it works and what feels good. Touching yourself, especially if it’s part of foreplay or so that you can teach your spouse something, is actually quite healthy. It’s being vulnerable and intimate, and it’s not like part of your body is “dirty” and therefore absolutely off limits for you, but not for your spouse. You’re allowed to know your body! And you’re allowed to feel good from your own touch especially when it’s part of your sexual relationship. Enjoying sex with each other is more than just intercourse.
That being said, individual masturbation to the point of climax can be a problem
This woman writes that both she and her husband masturbate at times when they’re apart from each other and can’t have sex, but they’re still thinking of each other. Personally, I’d put this in the category of “everything is permissible, but not everything is beneficial” (1 Corinthians 10:23). I don’t think it’s a sin, but I do think that it can start to be a hindrance to a great sexual relationship.
First, I have known so many couples where sex starts to become nonexistent because they prefer masturbation to intercourse. When you masturbate, it feels more intense immediately, because you give yourself feedback on what feels good. And you can bring yourself to orgasm without all that hassle of having to make someone else feel good, too! Plus, some spouses are not that skilled at making you feel good, so masturbation can seem preferable.
Even if it doesn’t start off that way, it can become that.
Second, it does change the dynamic of sex. There’s something about unfulfilled sexual desire that makes you long for each other even more. When you want someone but you can’t have them, but you can text them and tell them what you’re feeling, or you can plan out elaborately what you’re going to do to them that night–well, that can heighten passion. If you deal with all of that tension yourself, you really do miss out on something together.
And finally, self-control is not a bad thing. To have to channel sexual energy into something else for a time when you can’t get fulfillment teaches you a lot about yourself, about God, and about growing your character. Is it really so bad to have to wait?
In this letter writer’s marriage, it seems that they have a great sex life, and masturbation really doesn’t hinder them coming together when they are together. But I don’t think that’s the norm. Too often masturbation can be used to short-circuit our quest for true intimacy, and I want to look at how that happens.
Is masturbation okay within marriage? When it may be--but when we should be careful!Click To Tweet
Sex was meant to be mutual
God made sex to reflect the longing that He feels to be united to us. So He put inside of us a longing to be united to our husbands, and He put inside our husbands a longing to be united to us. We want to feel that kind of intimacy, that kind of true “knowing”. We want to be joined.
Now sexual pleasure is all wrapped up in that, but our actual need is for intimacy. Sex that is only physical is shallow. And, perhaps ironically but not surprisingly, sex that feels the most intimate also brings the most physical pleasure. They’re all intertwined.
The problem with masturbation comes when it destroys the mutuality of sex
If sex is supposed to be mutual and intimate, does masturbation then hurt sex? Well, it certainly can.
1. He/she decides to masturbate.
2. He/she starts to see sex solely in physical terms, and not in terms of intimacy and connection. Thus, sex loses its deeper meaning, and, ironically, the ability to experience the height of sexual pleasure is also compromised, because for both men and women, physical pleasure is greater when spiritual/emotional intimacy is also part of sex.
3. He/she starts to focus on his/her own needs instead of the spouse’s needs. The spouse becomes incidental.
4. The urge for sexual release is taken care of, which means that he/she no longer has to reach out and meet the spouse’s needs. The impetus to become selfless is gone.
5. The couple starts to live parallel lives, but separate lives.
It’s a very dangerous road to go down.
But what if the chain of events doesn’t look quite like that? What if you’re the one whose spouse is refusing sex, and it looks more like this:
1. Your spouse refuses sex.
2. You start to feel desperate.
3. Your spouse gets upset with you bugging her for sex all the time.
4. You masturbate for release, so that you can at least stay civil towards her and try to be loving.
5. You feel dirty and disconnected.
6. The couple starts to live parallel but separate lives.
In this case, masturbation may look like a gift: I’m doing it so that I won’t have to bug her (or him) so much. But here’s the problem with that: what you’re really doing is allowing a sinful, bad situation to continue. It’s not right for a spouse to refuse sex. It really isn’t. I’ve written a whole bunch about that, but these may help:
What does “do not deprive”, from 1 Corinthians 7, mean? (a three-part series; here’s the last one, but there are links to other two)
What to do if your spouse withholds sex
Are you a spouse or an enabler?
God gave us our sex drives so that we would be drawn to each other. That uncomfortable feeling of not having intimacy is so bad that it forces us to work on our issues and to improve the relationship.
What should be our response?
Whether your spouse is the one who is masturbating to avoid sex, or you masturbate because your spouse refuses sex, you must talk to your spouse about it. Ask if you have done anything to contribute to the problem. But then make a line in the sand and say, “it stops here”. We are going to work on this together. I will be sexually available, but you must also be sexually available to me. I want to work on how to make each other feel great. I want to work on our connection. I want to work on making sex into something explosive, not just a transaction or a release. I want us both to experience all levels of intimacy in marriage.
And if your spouse refuses to listen, then I’d talk to a mentor couple about it. If he’s the one masturbating, in essence he’s cheating on you, because he’s meeting his sexual needs with someone else (himself). He’s becoming sexually single, rather than married. And that’s just not right. And if your wife is the one masturbating, or refusing sex, you may very well need a third party to help you address this, too.
Your Sizzling Summer Sex Challenge:
If either you or your spouse masturbates in your marriage, take some time to think about the “why”.
Make sure this isn’t becoming an intimacy blocker in your marriage. And if it isn’t now, is it on the path to becoming one?
Once you’ve thought about it, talk to your spouse about it. How can you better meet each other’s needs? Ask each other, what would you like me to do when I’m sexually frustrated but away from you?
Find other posts in the Sizzling Summer Sex Series here.
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July 14, 2017
How Having “His” Nights and “Her” Nights Can Help Your Sex Life
We’re closing up the second week of our Sizzling Summer Sex Series, and today I want to talk about one way couples can negotiate how to get spicy in the bedroom–without going overboard.
One suggestion I’ve made repeatedly when I talk about how to get more adventurous in bed, or how to tell your spouse what you want, is to try “his” and “her” nights, where on those nights you get to do what one spouse wants–but on other nights you just do the regular things that you both enjoy together!
A spicy idea for your marriage: Try 'His' nights and 'Her' nights!Click To Tweet
How “His” and “Hers” Nights Can Benefit You
They allow you to try things that one person may not particularly like, but is willing to do
Maybe there’s something you really enjoy, but you know your spouse doesn’t. It’s hard to ask them to do something if they really don’t like it. But if you know that it will be reciprocated, then it’s easier to be giving.
They let each of you know that just because you say yes to something every now and then doesn’t mean they’ll demand it all the time
Let’s say that one spouse wants oral sex, for instance, and the other isn’t really that keen. One reason that a spouse may say no is that they may be scared that “if I do this now, they’ll want it all the time!” And it can actually make them avoid sex altogether. If they know that it they say yes it doesn’t mean that they’ll be asked every time you make love, it makes it easier to throw yourself into it now.
You can add some spice without pressure to live up to the same standard every night
Let’s face it: we can’t be spicy all the time. That’s just too tiring! And so sometimes we’re spicy none of the time. This allows us to make sure that sex doesn’t get boring without feeling like we have to do something out of this world every single time we make love.
You make sure that you each get total attention and pleasure
Often sex becomes one-sided where one person gets most of the pleasure. Having “his” nights and “hers” nights ensures that at least every now and then one spouse will be the total focus of attention.
How to Make “His” and “Hers” Nights Work Best
Agree that no one has to do something that they find sinful or very distasteful
Nobody should ever violate their conscience. And even if you would really like to do something, if you know that it’s wrong, steer clear! Anything involving a third party, involving humiliating or hurting someone, involving risky behaviour that could hurt someone is definitely off of the table. And watching porn together? Not okay, either.
But what if it’s just something you really find distasteful, but you don’t think is actually wrong? I think it depends on the level of discomfort. If it triggers a huge panic attack, then it’s totally okay to say no! If you know that doing this thing will cause you emotional damage, or will cement negative views of sex, then it’s okay to say, “I can’t do that.” And if there’s something that you absolutely just can’t do because it grosses you out–totally okay as well.
Sometimes, though, there are things that we wouldn’t choose but that are honestly good. Even innocuous things–like starting the evening with a 45 minute back massage! You may not choose to do that normally, but you can do that once in a while.
I talked earlier this week about how to figure out if something is sinful or just distasteful, too.
Schedule “his” and “hers” nights regularly–but not too often
I suggest taking two Saturdays out of the month and making one “hers” and one “his”. That way each month you get one night that’s everything you want, but other times are for both of you. If it’s something someone really doesn’t care for too much, once a month isn’t that demanding.
But you can also schedule them more often if you want, or even less often (like your birthday and half-birthday). The key is to schedule it and make it regular, or else someone could say, “Hey, let’s make it my night tonight!” and ignore the other spouse.
Write down possible things you may want to try
I’d suggest that once a year you write down a whole bunch of things you’d like to try (if there are a whole bunch!). Even write down what an ideal interlude would look like. Would you start with a massage? A lingerie show? Would you like to try different positions? Be as detailed as you can.
Here’s what can happen if we don’t do this: there’s something you’d like to try (maybe it’s oral sex; maybe it’s a different position; whatever!). But you’re really shy about saying it. If it’s “your” night and your spouse says, “Okay, what do you want to do?”, you may clam up. But if it’s written down, your spouse can just reach in and pull out that piece of paper, and then you don’t have to say a thing!
Make a commitment to follow through on your spouse’s desires
Sometimes your spouse may write something down, but then when the time comes they chicken out. They’re embarrassed. If it’s something your spouse wants, it’s okay to push them a little. (If your spouse says “absolutely not!”, though, then you need to stop).
So there you go–a way to get spicier without violating anyone’s conscience or pressuring each other too much. And a great way to have more fun!
How having 'HIS' nights and 'HERS' nights can enhance your marriage!Click To Tweet
Your Sizzling Summer Sex Challenge:
Write down some ideas for “his” nights and “hers” nights with your spouse!
Then get out a calendar and schedule some in!
Find other posts in the Sizzling Summer Sex Series here.
Marriage isn't supposed to be blah!
Sex is supposed to be stupendous--physically, emotionally, AND spiritually.
If it's not, get The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex--and find out what you've been missing.
The post How Having “His” Nights and “Her” Nights Can Help Your Sex Life appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.
July 13, 2017
Why Does My Husband Not Care About My Sexual Desires?
We’re in Week 2 of our Sizzling Summer Sex Series! And this week we’ve been looking at how to spice things up and make sure sex doesn’t get boring–which also includes a willingness to become vulnerable with each other.
Yesterday we looked at what to do if your spouse asks for something in bed that you find really distasteful, and we talked about how to figure out if it’s just a personal preference, or if it honestly is something that you find sinful. Today I want to flip that question on its head, and address what to do if it seems as if your spouse doesn’t care about what you want.
A reader writes:
I told him one of my fantasies and he shut It down really quickly. I am too embarrassed to even get naked again but I want to be intimate! He has never really been one to “take care of me”. It’s mostly that he gets off every time and I’m left hanging. I’ve talked to him about it, and then after a month or so he forgets and doesn’t take care of me again. I’m pretty frustrated but I’m trying to figure out what it is that I might be doing that causes him to stop after he reaches climax. I just feel like he doesn’t WANT me. I think that’s why I have the fantasy that I have. (It’s to be tied down.) I don’t want to be hurt or told I don’t have a choice. I just want to feel like he wants me that much.
I will get to the fantasy part of this question in a moment, but the more important issue here, I think, is the husband seems to be disregarding her sexual pleasure completely.
In a healthy marriage, spouses care about the other person’s pleasure and desires.
Sex was designed to be a mutual act for both spouses that brings great intimacy and pleasure at the same time. As I explained in The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, it was never supposed to be only physical.
When we make sex only about one person’s experience, though, then we’re totally erasing what God said sex was for. Sex is not just about meeting a man’s sexual needs; sex is about helping both of you feel super close.
I don't see how sex can be more than physical!
Do you struggle with this idea that sex should be emotionally and spiritually intimate as well? Does that idea just not compute? It sounds lovely, but it isn’t part of your experience?In The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex I explain how God made sex to be intimate in three ways–spiritually, emotionally, AND physically. And in fact they fuel each other!
If you feel like sex has gotten shallow, pick up the book, and learn everything that God intended.
Sex really can be hot and holy at the same time!
So why do so many people seem to only focus on their own sexual needs?
Some people think that their experience of sex is the only right one
It may not be that they’re entirely selfish. It may honestly be that they don’t understand how their spouse works sexually.
You see, we grow up with the idea that “sex”=”intercourse”. Intercourse is the main event. And intercourse is the way that everyone is supposed to feel sexual pleasure. So if my wife isn’t getting pleasure, that’s really not my fault. It’s that she isn’t trying hard enough/isn’t in the mood enough/isn’t quite right sexually.
Foreplay is seen as optional, because most guys just don’t need it to get aroused. And people tend to believe their own experiences are the “right” ones. What we feel must be what other people feel, too. And if they don’t feel it, then they should. So if we get sexual pleasure from intercourse alone, so should they. That’s the way we’re made (they don’t really understand that women aren’t made the same way).
If that’s the case with your husband, then show him this post on how foreplay isn’t optional. It’s got a hilarious video in it that may help him understand what you feel!
To not care about your spouse’s sexual pleasure is sinful.
I hope that this situation is something that’s fixed just by explaining a bit more about women’s sexual experience.
In some cases, though, it isn’t. Some people are just plain selfish in bed.
And let’s be honest: 95% of the time that this occurs it’s the husband who doesn’t care whether the wife climaxes, and not the other way around. (There was a comment left by a man who was in the opposite position, but usually it’s the husband who climaxes and the wife who is left hanging). I’m aware that women tend to withhold sex more than men do (or at least not have sex very often), but in this specific dynamic we’re addressing spouses who, when intercourse does happen, don’t seem to be concerned that their spouse feels good.
That is wrong. That is selfish. That is sinful.
To ignore your spouse's sexual pleasure is sinful. Sex should not only be about a man's release!Click To Tweet
I believe that the root of this problem comes from how our society and church talk about sex
We tend to portray men’s sexual desire as the “right” one. We portray intercourse as being the main event. We talk in churches about how men have sexual needs that need to be met, but we rarely talk about how women have sexual needs, too (and when we do talk about her needs, we usually frame it in terms of “she needs emotional connection”). So if men grow up hearing all about how in marriage they’ll get their sexual needs met, then they may not realize that they have an obligation as well to meet her needs.
Sometimes this grows into sexual shame
When we think of sexual shame, we usually think of women. But men can have sexual shame, too! If you grow up feeling as if every sexual feeling you have is sinful, then that doesn’t necessarily stop once you’re married. And you may think intercourse is okay, but anything else that seems the least bit risque (because it’s exciting) is somehow wrong. I wrote about this phenomenon shortly after the Ashley Madison/Josh Duggar scandal, because I think it explained what Josh did really well. And some guys may be suffering from the same thing (though hopefully they’re not out there looking to have an affair!).
One commenter this week, for instance, talked about how her husband refuses to let her guide his hand during foreplay, presumably because that’s too much like masturbation and that’s wrong. Another commenter said that her husband refuses anything other than the missionary position, because that’s wrong. When you grow up in a shamed filled culture, then plain old intercourse can easily seem like the only thing that’s blessed by God. And since men get plenty of pleasure from plain old intercourse, then this doesn’t always seem like a hardship.
So what do you do if your husband doesn’t care about your pleasure?
Often in the church we hear those “Do not deprive” verses from 1 Corinthians 7 talking about how we aren’t supposed to deny our husbands sex. And so even if our husbands are making no effort to help us feel good, we figure we’re still supposed to have sex.
That is not what those verses are saying.
The Do Not Deprive verses don't say his release matters most. They say mutual pleasure matters.Click To Tweet
3 The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4 The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. 5 Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.
The verses say that we should not deprive each other. And if your husband is using you selfishly, as if you are a sex toy, with no concern for your pleasure, then he is depriving you. He is sinning, and we are not to enable sin. Maybe that sin comes from a place of shame rather than selfishness, but either way, it does need to be confronted.
The verses “do not deprive” should never be used to tell a wife that she must have sex with a selfish husband who does not care about her needs. That is totally ignoring God’s design for mutuality and intimacy, which are the heart of sex, not just physical pleasure. The point of these verses is not about sexual release but about mutual giving. The gospel is about serving, not about demanding our rights. To read these verses to mean that women’s needs don’t matter while men’s sexual release does is to totally misunderstand Scripture.
So I would say this to your husband:
I love you and I want to be intimate with you. I long for a great, frequent sex life, and I am more than willing to throw myself into that. What I am not willing to do is to continue to have sex with you if you don’t care about my sexual needs. When we have sex, I don’t feel like we’re “making love” because you are not showing me love. You are not showing that you care about me, because you don’t seem to care if I have any pleasure or not. The Bible talks about sex being mutual and intimate. That means that you are depriving me, but you’re also depriving yourself of everything that God wants for us! When we can have a mutual sex life, when we’re both loving each other and giving each other pleasure, I am more than willing to jump in with both feet (or anything else!). But I’m not willing to be used as your sex toy. God made sex to be beautiful and intimate, and I feel as if you have turned it into something selfish, and that saddens me. I think we can do better, and I hope desperately that you agree.
Now, I wouldn’t say that before you have a good talk about how important foreplay is, because he honestly may not understand! And if sexual shame may be at the root of the issue, then I think talking about what God designed sex for may help (and The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex talks about this in detail). But as a wife, you do not have an obligation to have sex with a man who does not care about your needs at all. That is not the biblical view of sex.
The 'Do Not Deprive' verses do not mean that a wife needs to be treated like a sex toy.Click To Tweet
So let’s get back to her fantasy:
Why does she want to be tied up?
She just wants some attention, I think! She wants to be the focus of a sexual encounter, rather than it being solely about him, and there’s nothing wrong with that. I do think there’s something wrong with being “tied up” when the goal is to degrade someone or hurt someone. That’s the opposite of intimacy, and is really a fake vulnerability. But to desire to be made to be out of control just heightens sexual pleasure for some, and is not warped in any way, in my opinion (again, this is totally different from the 50 shades of grey phenomenon when it is about control and punishment and humiliation).
I can totally understand spouses being reluctant to do something like tie each other up. But there’s no reason why you can’t spend some time when each spouse is the total and complete focus of sexual stimulation for a time. That’s good and healthy. And maybe if couples did this more, sex would not seem so selfish, or like the other spouse is using you!
Your Sizzling Summer Sex Challenge:
Ask your husband, “are there things that you’d like in the bedroom that you’ve been afraid to ask about?” Let’s have that conversation!
And ask him how you two think you should decide on boundaries, too.
Special bonus: Try something new tonight!
Find other posts in the Sizzling Summer Sex Series here.
Do you think that men have a harder time understanding how to please their wives than the other way around? How much do women bear the responsibility for this–if we don’t always tell them what we want? Let’s talk in the comments!
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Learn to talk more, flirt more, and even explore more! You'll work on how to connect emotionally, spiritually, AND physically.
Find out more To Love, Honor and Vacuum.
