Sheila Wray Gregoire's Blog, page 127
August 9, 2017
Wifey Wednesday: What’s the Language of Your Heart?
It’s Wednesday, the day when we always talk marriage! And today I want to share an email I received recently from a reader that I think is just fascinating.
I love hearing from so many of you, even though I’m so sorry that I can’t respond to many of you personally (just so many come in!). But I get so many ideas for blog posts from the questions that you all ask.
And recently a missionary sent me the most interesting story, and I just want to share it with you today.
She writes,
First of all, thank you so much for this blog. I read it regularly through my first couple years of marriage and it was such a blessing. My husband and I even bought and read “31 Days to Great Sex” together and loved it!
This past year, though, has been super stressful for my husband and me. We’re serving as missionaries in a closed access country, coming up on 1.5 years on the field. The transition hasn’t been easy, and I’ve been struggling with mild depression for the past 4-5 months.
This took a real toll on how frequently we were being intimate. I felt too tired to respond to his advances, then guilty for not doing so, you know the cycle. Even when I did say YES it was hard for me to be mentally and emotionally present, and foreplay just wasn’t doing anything for me.
I’ve been making changes to my life in general to deal with the depression, but the solution to our bedroom problems came from a really unexpected place.
I was listening to a podcast about languages and how we respond differently to stimuli in our mother tongue versus our second language. This really caught my attention since my mother tongue isn’t English, but Spanish.
Luckily, my husband is also bilingual in Spanish. So I asked him to try an experiment with me: what if we spoke Spanish instead of English when we were intimate? Would it make a difference?
Oh boy, did it ever!! Wow, I haven’t felt that way in a long time! It was the sexiest thing in the world for me. I had no idea I was missing out so bad!
In a bilingual marriage? Which language you use when you're being intimate makes a big differenceClick To Tweet
We’ve made the switch permanently and it’s been a total game changer for me. I feel connected, passionate, sexy. It’s been great. Even just saying certain words and phrases out loud in my own language seems to tap into a part of myself that English just doesn’t touch, even though it’s the primary language I use everyday (except for the national language of the country we live in).
But nobody is talking about this! So I thought I would reach out to you and tell you my story. If you wanted to share it with your readers, who knows? Maybe some other bilingual woman out there might experience a breakthrough.
In a bilingual marriage? Speak your native language in the bedroom for the best fireworks!Click To Tweet
Isn’t that neat? I love it! I hope that it may have encouraged some of you, too.
It reminds me again how important it is to worship in our native language. We have to be able to pray and sing and read the Scriptures in the language of our hearts, because it’s the language of desperation, of vulnerability, of identity. And because, as I talked about all last month, vulnerability is so related to passion, when we’re putting on a “mask” by using a second language, sometimes that really can hinder intimacy.
But what if you’re bilingual and your spouse isn’t?
Well, maybe sometimes while you’re having sex it’s okay to speak in your native language, even if your husband doesn’t understand! He may even appreciate learning a few important phrases! 
August 8, 2017
Sometimes You Can’t Logic Your Way Through It–and Other Tidbits!
I am exhausted.
But a good exhausted.
I just wanted to fill you in on my week, because I’ve been all over the place, and had some important thoughts (at least I think they’re important), and had some family milestones.
So I thought we could just chat, with no real agenda in mind.
Here, then, are some random thoughts I’ve had lately:
Hobbies are Wonderful Things
My mother and I went to Schaumburg, Illinois (just north of Chicago) for the Stitches knitting convention. I know that sounds really bizarre, but it’s where a bunch of knitters get together, and you take classes to learn new techniques, and go to a fashion show, and drool over all the yarns in the market (and maybe buy some, even though you already have way too much at home!).
While walking around the market drooling at yarns, someone called out my name. Turns out Lori had recognized me. She and her women’s group had done a study of The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex a few years ago and loved it! So that was a ton of fun. (By the way, I do have a FREE Bible study up that you can use in your group, and a video Bible study for 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage! Find them here.) It’s always cool when people recognize me!
My point, though, is that for the last week I’ve knit nonstop. It’s been HEAVEN. And it makes me remember that I really need to knit everyday to keep myself grounded.
Want to see a few things I’m doing? I’m covering some pillows in my TV room so that they all coordinate.
Two pillows aren’t done yet. (The whole white one behind the green circle one is actually a top I made when I was 16, when bulky was all the rage. I couldn’t wear it anymore so I cut it up and made it into a pillow!).
Here’s what it looks like with this vintage 1960s rug we got from my mom, which is what anchors everything:
Anyway, I was so much fun to just knit and knit. I need that sometimes.
We’re thinking of leading another missions trip to the children’s home we visit in Kenya periodically (Mom’s been there 8 times; we’ve been there 3 times). While the medical personnel run a big medical clinic, Mom and I are thinking of taking enough yarn and needles so all the kids can learn to knit. We’ve taught them periodically when we’ve gone, but they have no supplies. Last time Mom was there, she found that many of the young girls had taken the ballpoint inserts out of pens and taken string and were knitting that for fun. I just want to give these girls something to do! It’s amazing what a difference having a productive hobby can make in your life.
Need a hobby? Here’s a list of 79! And many of them are productive like this.
Grief is Not a Wonderful Thing
Sunday my son would have turned 21. He passed away when he was a baby.
I actually got into writing because of Christopher. My first few magazine articles were on grief. I published one of them yesterday, on 7 ways to help a grieving friend, and if you haven’t read it, I hope you will. It’s important. And this one on grief tries to explain how the typical way we understand grief (it gets better with time) is simplistic and not really true. It’s more complicated than that.
I was thinking about how couples handle grief, though. I tend to be one of these people that talks a lot. I’m extroverted, I’m always having conversations, and people would definitely NOT describe me as quiet. But with the really important hurts in my life, I don’t like to talk about them. My husband and I may mention things a bit (“Today’s a tough day, eh?”) (We’re Canadian. That’s where the eh comes in). But we don’t really delve into how we’re actually feeling, even though we’re extroverts.
That’s quite common for people who in general are thinking types, rather than feeling types (if you understand the Myers Briggs personality type indicator). Even if we’re extroverts and we talk a ton (as my husband and I both are), when it comes to the deep feelings in life, we just don’t. And I don’t think that’s a bad thing. But if you’re married to someone who is a feeling type, they may have a great need to talk about it. And that’s where a couple can run into trouble. In the day to day things you can make adjustments, but with really, really important things, it’s hard when there’s a mismatch. I’m not sure what the solution is, but I thought I may mention it, just so that if you’re going through something like that in your marriage, you may have a frame of reference. (I’ve written before about personality types in marriage, too).
Sometimes You Can’t Logic Your Way out of It
Not only do I talk about everything; I like to solve everything. If one of my girls has a conundrum, I listen to the situation, we analyze it together, and then we formulate a plan. Same with friends. Give me an issue and I can likely find a solution.
But something happened in my circle recently where no amount of logic was helping. A friend was just overwhelmed with confusion all the time, and felt so discouraged, and couldn’t be quiet with herself (even though she really loved solitude). She couldn’t read anymore. She couldn’t go for walks without her mind racing with negative thoughts. And no amount of logic or trying to talk herself out of it would work.
So we had a bit of a prayer session, and it turned out that she was really being spiritually attacked (and I do believe that happens). We prayed for quite a while, and she felt such a great lifting. And she felt free and actually slept well!
We didn’t do any elaborate prayers, just looked at lies she’d been believing, and spoke truth out loud, and sent away any evil. And she’s so peaceful.
My default is to logic. But sometimes there’s something else going on. And it reminded me that I am so proud often. I think I can solve anything just using my brain. The problem, though, is not always in the brain. So I’d just recommend–if you’re constantly confused for no good reason; if you can’t focus (where you used to be able to focus easily); if you constantly feel like a failure–then make sure it’s not a spiritual root. Here’s a great article I found on the signs of spiritual warfare, and I hope it helps someone.
Want a Winner? Okay!
Last Wednesday I challenged you all to share your marriage mission statement, and in return I’d mail you a scarf I knit! And the winner is…
Lori Ferguson! Thanks, Lori! Here’s what she shared:
Rob and I have chosen three Values. (It’s easy to remember 3 words). Loyalty. Optimism. Discovery. They’re rank-ordered Values that define what makes us unique. (Every couple will have different Values.)
We use them when we’re making decisions, and we often say that they’re like “rumble strips” to keep us focused in life.
Here’s how we use them: If there’s a decision or opportunity we first look at Loyalty – is this decision/opportunity/idea/action going to support our Loyalty to God, to each other and those we love? If we can say “yes”… then we check it out using the next Value – Optimism. If the decision/opportunity/idea/action is something that supports an Optimistic or Positive direction for our life, then we move onto Discovery. Rob and I love to learn and grow, so if the decision/opportunity/idea/action will provide a chance to learn and grow then our answer is a great big, “YES”!
Using Values in this way takes longer to explain than it does to actually do…
Love it!
So that’s what I’ve been up to. It’s been a little emotionally exhausting and exhilirating, and physically tiring but really satisfying.
What’s up with you for the summer? Or have you ever really felt a spiritual attack? Let’s talk in the comments!
The post Sometimes You Can’t Logic Your Way Through It–and Other Tidbits! appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.
August 7, 2017
7 Ways to Comfort a Friend Through Grief
Yesterday we celebrated what would have been my son’s 21st birthday. He never made it to see his first.
It’s almost ironic, but Christopher is the reason that I started writing and speaking. Way back in the late 1990s, I sold my first article to Today’s Christian Woman on how to help a grieving friend. When I started speaking at women’s retreats, I focused on my story with him, and on how I learned to say that God is enough.
God has obviously broadened my focus since then, but it is often in the things that hit our hearts the most that we start to write.
And so I was thinking of all the “good” that God has brought out of Christopher’s short life, including this ministry that I have. It makes everything almost bittersweet. It reminded me of this article, which first appeared in the 1999 November/December issue of Today’s Christian Woman. I’d like to share it with you today.
“If there’s anything I can do…”
I heard these words repeatedly three years ago on that rainy day when we buried our 29-day-old baby boy, Christopher. Most people who said them acted so awkwardly, I felt as though I had to cheer them up.
But others were more at ease. One friend, Anne, quietly shared how she was encouraged by our reliance on God during Christopher’s battle with a serious congenital heart defect. Another friend, Pam, e-mailed me, “I planted some violas for Christopher today, just outside my kitchen window.” While neither gesture was extravagant or profound, both shone some light on a very dark day.
Why do some people seem to know what to say to someone in pain, while the rest of us flounder?
Why do some people seem to know what to say to someone in pain, while the rest of us flounder?Click To Tweet
Being close to someone who’s heartbroken is difficult. We don’t want to compound her pain by saying the wrong thing, yet we earnestly desire to help lessen her suffering, just like Jesus, who came to “comfort all who mourn” (Isaiah 61:2). When our heart breaks for someone else, we reflect God’s sadness. How can we also reflect God’s comfort? First we need to understand what comforting does—and doesn’t—involve.
Comforting Isn’t Explaining God’s Will
When Judy’s eight-year-old son, Kyle, was hospitalized with a life-threatening infection, a close relative wrote her to say God was punishing her for not attending church. Needless to say, the letter did little to encourage Judy.
The need to explain people’s suffering is natural. Even Jesus was asked, “Who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?” (John 9:2). Jesus replied that things aren’t always so straightforward. In this case, the man’s blindness was so “the work of God might be displayed in his life” (John 9:3). My friend Melissa confessed that when she first heard of Christopher’s illness, she believed it was a result of my husband’s previous involvement with role-playing games. But when she gave birth to a stillborn son a year later, she apologized for judging us.
Comforting Isn’t Fixing the Problem
When Judith lost her daughter two weeks before her due date, many people assured her, “At least you know you can get pregnant.” Marilyn, who lost her son when she was 21 weeks pregnant, was likewise told, “At least you have children at home.” And my husband, who’s a pediatrician, often heard, “Think of what a better physician you’ll be after having such a sick child.” Trying to cheer people by telling them the character-building benefits of their suffering does little to comfort them. Those “benefits” can never compensate for the loss someone feels when a loved one dies.
Comforting isn't explaining God's will or fixing the problem; it's making yourself available.Click To Tweet
Comforting Is Making Yourself Available
To comfort a friend is to focus on her feelings, not yours. Once we recognize we’re helpless to explain the problem or to fix it, we can concentrate instead on meeting our friend’s needs as best we can, perhaps in the following ways:
1. Comfort a Friend by Being There
We printed 70 programs for Christopher’s funeral, but we ran out long before the service began. The number of people who attended overwhelmed us. God used their presence to comfort us during that difficult time. When 9-year-old Randy died after an unsuccessful liver transplant, his mother, JoAnn, was moved when 16 intensive care nurses braved rainy, icy weather for 2 hours just to be at the funeral.
We often underestimate the impact our mere presence can have. But a hug, a pat on the arm, or attendance at a memorial service is often as valued as anything else.
2. Comfort a Friend by Listening
Listening involves encouraging your friend to express her feelings. Pam Vredevelt, author of Empty Arms, says many women find it easier to suffer in silence because others won’t initiate discussions about their loss. So if your grieving friend says, “I don’t know how I’m going to get out of bed tomorrow,” help her open up by asking her a question such as, “What’s the scariest part of facing your day?” Then really listen to her answer. Try responding in a way that allows your friend to express what she really feels.
3. Comfort a Friend by Telling Her How the Situation/Person Affected You
When Christopher died, I was left with a huge hole in my life—while others’ lives stayed the same. Telling a grieving person how you were affected by her loved one, even if it was only minimally, lets her know you feel her loss, too. Writing that memory on a card or in a letter is helpful. Over the last three years I’ve repeatedly turned to my cards for comfort.
4. Comfort Your Friend by Telling Her Your Prayers
In June 1998, Brenda’s husband, Rob, died suddenly in a car accident. They had three young daughters. The card Brenda found most uplifting explained in detail how her friend had been praying for Brenda and her daughters. When your prayers are wails, and despair is overwhelming, knowing others are lifting up the things you need can ease some of your burden.
5. Comfort Your Friend by Telling Your Story
When Christopher died, I was touched by all the women who came to me with their own stories of “empty arms” and babies lost. Being able to share with someone, “I remember when I felt as though I couldn’t breathe, let alone eat,” helps a friend know she’s not crazy, that others have also felt that kind of pain. Be cautious, however, about saying “I understand how you feel”; some people might find this presumptuous. Yet though every loss is different, you can share your stories to let people know they’re not alone. This is the heart of the apostle Paul’s urging to “comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God” (2 Corinthians 1:4).
6. Comfort Your Friend by Offering Tangible Help
In the days following Christopher’s death, we were often asked, “Is there anything you need?” Admitting you need help, though, isn’t something I was entirely comfortable with, even when I was grieving. We don’t want people to think we can’t manage! So when my friend Raj said, “This Tuesday I’m bringing you and Keith dinner,” we had no choice—and we were grateful. We didn’t have to ask; it was just provided. The more specific your offer, the more likely someone will accept it.
7. Comfort Your Friend by Following Through
One of the hardest things about losing someone is that eventually everything on the outside returns to normal, while on the inside you still feel torn apart.
Grief doesn’t end when the funeral’s over. Though there are days when we almost forget our pain, there are others when the reality of our loss hits us all over again, just as it did those weeks, months, or even years ago. With time those days grow fewer and further between, but they still occur.
To make a special difference in someone’s life, follow through with your friends who mourn. Marilyn remembers with gratitude a woman from her church who sent her a card every few months, long after the others stopped coming. Send a card on the anniversary of someone’s death, or on what would have been a birthday or an anniversary. Or you could offer to baby-sit or prepare a special meal.
Don’t worry about this reminding your friends of their loss. The grief will always be there. As one woman who lost a child remarked in Carol Staudacher’s Beyond Grief: “It’s as though people believe if you’re not talking about your loss, you’re not thinking about it. That’s as ridiculous as assuming if you’re not thinking about breathing, you’re not doing it.” JoAnn says that eight years after her son Randy’s death, she still receives cards from several friends on the anniversary each March. It touches her to know others think of him, too.
Comforting someone who grieves can be scary, because it reminds us of our fears. But we don’t have to fix our friend’s problem or say anything profound. Comforting doesn’t have to be onerous. Make yourself available to meet your friend where she is. In doing so, you can surround her with love at a time when she feels most alone.
7 Ways to Comfort a Grieving Friend: Click To Tweet
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August 4, 2017
Why Male Circumcision and Female Genital Mutilation are Not the Same Thing
Excuse me for going on a bit of a rant today, but one of the benefits of having a blog that a lot of people read is that I get to talk about things that are near and dear to my heart, and hopefully change some people’s minds about them.
This has been something that has weighed so much on my heart ever since I did some work in North Africa in the summer of 1989. To know what little girls go through, often at the hands of those who are supposed to love them, and with no anaesthetic, is absolutely heartbreaking.
And yet whenever it is discussed in public forums, there seem to always be people who will draw a moral equivalence to male circumcision. It’s just as bad to cut the foreskin off a baby as it is to remove the clitoris, remove the labia, and sew the vagina together.
So excuse me for veering off of my typical fare today, but I would like to make the case why female genital mutilation is NOT the same as male circumcision and warrants our special attention.
Female genital mutilation is widely practiced in the Middle East, North Africa, and other parts of Africa, primarily, though not exclusively, in Muslim areas. It involves cutting off much of the female genitalia when the little girl is 5 or 6 years old in order to prevent her from experiencing sexual pleasure. Because I have so many readers from Africa, I really do want to comment on this, because I want to raise awareness of what is going on with women, sexuality, and marriage in the rest of the world so that we can do our part to help.
As far as I’m concerned, when you’re talking about female genital mutilation, male circumcision should not even be part of the conversation.
Male circumcision doesn't deserve to be compared with Female Genital Mutilation. Here's why: Click To Tweet
It’s like comparing politicians to Nazis, which I frequently hear from both sides. It doesn’t really diminish the politician, because we’re so used to it. But it does diminish the evil of the Nazis.
After all, if Donald Trump is a Nazi, then we now know what Nazis are. They’re blowhards who attack the press and who are thin skinned. If Barack Obama is a Nazi, then we have another picture of Nazis. They’re appeasers who don’t mind if Islamic terrorists kill us.
Do you see what I mean? We’ve reduced Nazis to what we’re used to seeing, and it totally takes away from the horror of what actual Nazis actually did: they murdered 6,000,000 Jews and 1,000,000 Roma and Poles systematically. They tortured people. They tore Down Syndrome babies away from their parents and shot them. They literally incinerated human beings.
There is never any reason to compare ANYONE to Nazis, unless those individuals are actually trying to wipe out a whole human race.
That comparison makes that which is totally horrible seem less horrible.
I think we do the same thing when it comes to the male circumcision/female genital mutilation debate.
If we compare the two, we lose the horror of what female genital mutilation really is. That argument is dangerous and misogynistic, because to compare the two is to diminish and disregard the real harm that is currently being done to millions of little girls around the world.
Female Genital Mutilation is intended to ruin sexual pleasure forever
Activist and FGM survivor Aayan Hirsi Ali (one of my personal heroes) explains here the five different variations of female genital mutilation.
1. The ‘nick’: The girl is held down, her legs pushed apart and a needle is used to prick her clitoris. The incision is similar to a finger prick test for diabetes, blood comes out and the girl is considered ‘cleansed’. Often there is a ritual with a little party to celebrate the procedure.
2. ‘Female circumcision’: The second method in terms of severity is often compared to male circumcision. The hood of the clitoris is cut off, in some cases the tip of the clitoris is cut off, known as clitoridectomy. In this form, an otherwise normally functioning body part is sliced off and thrown out. Disfiguring a little girl’s genitals in this way cannot rationally be considered anything but mutilation.
3. Intermediate infibulation: In the third form of FGM, as much of the clitoris as possible is dug out and removed. The inner labia are cut off and the outer labia are sewn together leaving two small holes for urination and menstruation. In places where this is done without ‘medical intervention’ girls have been known to bleed to death. After infibulation is done it is imperceptible what has taken place when the girl stands up with her legs together, but in the obstetrician’s position it is clearly visible that parts of her genitals have been removed and sewn up.
Sadly, we are only just past half way and female genital mutilation gets worse. No doubt setting out these practices in detail is disturbing but it is crucial that we speak openly about what is taking place rather than shroud it in euphemism so as not to cause offence.
4. Total infibulation: In the fourth type of FGM the clitoris and inner labia are cut off and the outer labia are cut or scraped off too, then sewn up. When the girl stands, even with her legs closed, her genitals clearly look different.
5. Vaginal fusing: In the fifth type of FGM, which is rarely discussed, all of the fourth type is done and then the inner walls of the vagina are scratched to cause bleeding and the sewing is again done. The girl’s feet are tied together in an effort to fuse the two sides of the vagina with scar tissue to close it up. Children can die undergoing this.
While the first one doesn’t sound so bad (although it would still be terrifying, shameful, and tremendously painful), the other four are designed to make sure that the girl never experiences sexual pleasure in her whole life.
I’ve heard some activists against male circumcision arguing that circumcision diminishes sexual pleasure in men. There’s scientific debate about that. But whether or not it affects sexual pleasure, it certainly does not erase it or cause intercourse to be horrendously painful for the rest of his life. Even if male circumcision meant that orgasms only reach a 9/10 (which, again, I’m not saying that’s true, and I don’t believe that it is), that’s totally different than something which means that you can never even feel aroused, and instead will only ever feel pain.
Female Genital Mutilation states that a girl’s sex drive is dangerous and shameful
The whole reason behind the procedure is to prevent girls from wanting to have sex. Their sex drives are seen as dangerous; they may choose to have sex before marriage or choose to have an affair. This prevents that.
However, a man having sex before marriage or a man having an affair is not seen as anything bad. It is only girls that must be controlled.
When a boy is circumcised, especially a baby boy, it is has nothing to do with his sex drive, and has no effect on his sex drive whatsoever. It is not saying that his genitals are shameful or that he is wrong to have sexual feelings.
Female Genital Mutilation is an attempt to control girls and treat them like property
The whole reason that some doctors justify doing the procedure on these little girls is that otherwise, in their culture, the girls would have no hope of marrying, because no one will marry a girl who is not mutilated. She is seen as property, and the relatives have the right to do this to her. They say it is out of love to protect her future, but the fact remains that it is simply a culture which says that she has no worth if she is not subordinate to her husband’s desires.
Instead of there being mutuality in marriage where each gives to the other, FGM sets up a woman to only ever give to a man while taking nothing in return. It is not intimacy; it is slavery. And it is ever so wrong.
Female Genital Mutilation is Actual Mutilation
Yes, male circumcision involves taking off a piece of his body–his foreskin. But that is not a vital part of his body, and he can function very well without it. FGM, on the other hand, is actual mutilation, and in many parts of the world it is done with sharp pieces of glass, a rusty razor blade, and no anaesthetic.
There is never a medical reason for Female Genital Mutilation
A girl’s clitoris is never a medical problem. There is never a need to remove it. Many adult males, however, do need to be circumcised because of repeated urinary tract infections, phimosis or paraphimosis (where the foreskin is tight and won’t stretch around the head of the penis, or when it retracts and won’t go back), or other reasons. The foreskin is not necessary to a full, healthy life, and indeed, many men live healthier lives without it. That can never, ever be said about FGM.
I understand that many people think that male circumcision is horrible and should not be done on little boys
And I believe that every parent should think long and hard about whether they want to do this to their sons.
But just because people are increasingly turning against male circumcision, and think that it is cruel, does not mean that we should compare it to female genital mutilation. Millions of little girls will undergo this procedure around the world this year alone. For many, it is the beginning of a lifetime of pain, constant infections, painful menstruation, and even dangerous childbirth. And it puts an end to God’s beautiful plan for sex to bind us together. Only the devil could think of something this truly evil. And only the devil would target the most vulnerable among us: little girls.
So even if you disagree with male circumcision, please do not compare it to female genital mutilation. Let’s recognize true evil for what it is. And let’s do all that we can to stop it, and to stand up for the least of these among us, and on the other side of the world.
What Can You Do to Fight Female Genital Mutilation?
Aayan Hirsi Ali has set up the AHA Foundation to fight honor killings and FGM here and abroad. Learn more and donate here. (not a specifically Christian organization).
Thank you for listening to my rant today. I really appreciate it.
The post Why Male Circumcision and Female Genital Mutilation are Not the Same Thing appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.
August 3, 2017
Did You Survive “I Kissed Dating Goodbye”?
Written by then-21-year-old Joshua Harris, it was all about how “dating” is dangerous and will wreck your ability to have a good marriage. Instead, what we should aim for is “courtship”, or dating with a plan to marry, only done once you’re in a position to marry, and with the blessing of your families. Then, this courtship has rules on physical touch (he believed no kissing or physical contact until the marriage), so that you remain pure.
I had Rebecca read it when she was 14, and she liked it (but what 14-year-old wouldn’t? It promised her love when she was ready!).
I even wrote about it on this blog, in a post about teenage dating which still pops up on Pinterest and does really well.
But then something funny happened, both in our family and in families all over North America.
We started finding that it didn’t work in practice. I’ve written about my re-evaluation of the book as my own girls grew in several posts, but it boiled down to two things: first, just because you don’t date doesn’t mean that you can protect your heart from heartache. Life isn’t that simple.
But also, how do you know you want to marry someone unless you get to know them? And how do you get to know them unless you spend time with them? By the time Rebecca was 17 she was starting to go out to coffee with several guys, and even out to dinner, and she is still friends with most of those young men (and their now wives!). It was a good time for her to get more confident and to figure out what she wanted, and didn’t want.
There’s nothing wrong with going out for coffee, but when you think that dating is a sin, and that courtship and marriage are the aims, then it makes every date going out for coffee far more serious than it should be. And it makes it seem as if you can’t break up with someone, because then you just “dated”. You failed.
Plus there was the issue that I didn’t even realize I was in love with my husband until we had been hanging out as friends for a year. If you set up a situation where you can’t see someone anymore if you believe you won’t marry them, then I doubt I would have married my husband.
Those were our problems with I Kissed Dating Good-Bye. Other families had other ones.
The biggest critique was this one: It’s all just too good to be true, and it doesn’t prepare young people to build friendships with the opposite sex–so that a whole bunch of them don’t get married.
I remember one comment that was left on this blog on a post about modesty (so not about that book at all). I’m paraphrasing because I can’t find the comment now, but she was saying something to this effect:
I was raised in the purity movement and taught that if I dressed modestly, I would attract boys who would be drawn to my modest character. And so in our homeschooling group I wore the long baggy denim skirts. I wore the oversized T-shirts. I didn’t talk to the boys and wasn’t forward at all. I was waiting for one day one of these nice boys in our group would notice me and ask my father to “court” me. But as we grew up, one by one all of these nice boys who were also raised in conservative, modesty families started dating girls who wore regular jeans and flattering tops and did their hair and makeup. And soon they were all taken. That’s when I decided something had to change.
Quite simply, there are an awful lot of young people being raised in these conservative families who have never found a mate, because they have absolutely no opportunity to get to know other young people. They’re sitting back, waiting for God to provide, and waiting for someone to knock on their door. And all the “brazen” girls who weren’t taught to wait for courtship are snapping up all these Christian men!
I remember seeing a thread on Twitter last year where people were writing about what they missed out on because their families bought into I Kissed Dating Goodbye–“I didn’t go to prom because of I Kissed Dating Goodbye”, “I never had a boyfriend because of I Kissed Dating Goodbye”, “I felt guilty after I kissed my fiance because of I Kissed Dating Goodbye.”
Then Josh Harris gave a whole bunch of interviews where he asked the question,
“It’s like, well, crap, is the biggest thing I’ve done in my life this really huge mistake?”
If Josh Harris is re-evaluating 'I Kissed Dating Goodbye', shouldn't we?Click To Tweet
Personally, I don’t think there’s a one-size fits all answer when it comes to relationships.
I think God likely does call some people to wait for courtship. I think God calls some to wait to kiss at the altar, and not others. I think that for some, dating at 15 may be okay (though likely not for most). I certainly think my daughters were ready at 17, though we always thought we’d make them wait until 18. I think hard and fast rules won’t work because every teen is different.
I think we like rules because they make life less scary. But every person is different, with different temptations, different levels of maturity, even different life paths. And so we should not assume that there is always a right answer.
I saw on the weekend that Josh Harris is making a documentary with a fellow seminary student called “I Survived I Kissed Dating Goodbye.“
The film’s director, Jessica Van Der Wyngaard, is fundraising to complete production, and eventually release it as a free resource online, which is a vision the two share.
He’s not going to make any money off the movie. It’s just an attempt to look honestly at the cultural milieu that inspired the book, how the book then impacted the Christian culture, and how it hurt many people. It’s trying to start a discussion that can ultimately bless individuals and the church.
I think it’s a discussion worth having.
So excited Josh Harris is making the 'I Survived i Kissed Dating Goodbye' movie! Click To Tweet
I firmly believe that we need to be moving away from the “purity culture” idea which has these fixed rules for dating and courtship, and towards stressing Jesus again. Jesus over rules.
When I saw the fundraising campaign, I gave some money. And so I just wanted to give all of you the chance to donate, too. His fundraising appeal is up on August 5. If they don’t raise $49,000 Canadian by then, they’ll scrap the project.
Today the Kickstarter Program has a special backer!
An individual has offered to match all donations made from 12 PT/3 ET today (August 3) until 12 PT/3 ET Friday, up to $4000 Canadian.
During that time, all NEW backers who make a new pledge commitment on Kickstarter for this project will have their dollars matched, up to $4,000 Canadian, by a current backer. This means, whether a pledge is made for $5 or $500 to back this film, every dollar is matched, up to the $4,000 limit. While we prayerfully anticipate this challenge will enable the campaign to meet the original Kickstarter goal of $49,000 Canadian, any pledges which push us past the match and/or past the original goal, will be directed to a Stretch Goal of $55,000 CAN to enable the film crew to take this project to a global level and shoot a segment of the documentary on location in one of three countries overseas. Backers and only backers will be able to vote on Kickstarter for the country they would most like to see included in this important conversation.
One of the hardest things when you get big in any industry is admitting you made a mistake. And yet I believe God works through humility. Here’s the chance to reexamine what we believe, and make sure it lines up with the gospel, rather than just being a lot of extra rules.
If you feel so led, please give. I would love to see this project come to fruition!
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August 2, 2017
Do You Have a Marriage Mission Statement? Tell Me What it is to Win!
We’re all part of one body, but we’re all different parts. And so our marriages will be uniquely different! Have you ever thought about that? What is unique about your marriage? What values do you and your husband hold dear? What are your goals?
I’ve read some awesome posts about it recently, and been challenged to think again about my goals.
But I don’t have time to write a major post today, because MY MOM AND I ARE HITTING THE ROAD! We’re making the 11 hour drive to the Chicago suburbs today to go the Stitches knitting conference (yes, there is such a thing as a knitting conference). We’ll be there until Sunday, and I am so excited! I’m excited to spend so much time one on one with my mom. I’m excited to get away from the computer and enjoy some downtime. I’m excited to knit!
Mom and I at the Toronto Knitters’ Frolic in April 2015!
We do love to knit everywhere!
Mom and I knitting at the airport before our cruise last summer!
And so I thought about these two things–marriage mission statements and me loving knitting.
And I thought of something kind of fun!
I’m going to challenge all of you to write a marriage mission statement. And then I’m going to do a draw where one of you will win a scarf I’ve knit!
Here’s my scarf:
Here’s the scarf you can win!
And here’s how you can win!
I want you all to craft either a marriage mission statement, a set of goals, or a set of family rules. I’m a big believer in being deliberate about things, because I believe that when we think about things and set goals, we’re more likely to grow in our walk with God and in our relationships.
But I don’t care how you do that–whatever works for you!
So the rules are going to be easy.
I’ve got three different ways of thinking of mission statements. Lauren from Sombremesa Stories has a great post on how to think through your values and turn them into a work of art.
Tara from Feels Like Home has an awesome post on how to figure out what your family rules are–and then a tutorial for how to create a beautiful wall hanging depicting them:
Dr. Ann has guest posted on Michael Hyatt’s site to talk about how to think through your main goals as a wife.
And then my friend Lisa and her husband Kelly created “family rules” that they have hung on their wall.
I don’t care which version you choose–whether it’s pithy, like sombremesa sisters; goal oriented, like Dr. Ann; or a list of values, like Lisa or Tara. I just encourage you to think it through and be deliberate!
And then leave a comment to tell me what your mission statement or values are. Even leave a link to a picture of it on Pinterest or on your own blog or somewhere online, if you can, just to inspire us (but that’s not necessary if you don’t have an image!).
When my mom and I get back from Chicago on Monday, I’ll do a draw from the comments and someone will win the scarf.
I’d love to hear your marriage mission statements! And I hope you love my knitting!
Let’s hear it in the comments! What’s your marriage mission statement or family rules? Even if they’re works in progress, share it with us and we can help flesh them out!
PS: I really do love knitting! And it’s a huge part of our identity as a family. I have two dresses and a lovely top that my great-grandmother knit.
One day I want to write a novel about my grandmother’s life. I don’t know all it will say, but I know the two opening sentences:
Anyone who knew my grandmother knew that she knit. But you didn’t really know my grandmother until you know why she knit.
What do you think?
The post Do You Have a Marriage Mission Statement? Tell Me What it is to Win! appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.
August 1, 2017
Top 10 Ways Vacations with Your Kids Can Be Amazing
Whenever summer comes I think camping and airplanes and laughter and hotel rooms and bugs.
And it’s awesome.
My youngest daughter turned 20 last week, so I have no more teenagers. But we still try to take family vacations once a year, because they meant so much to us as the kids grew up.
Last week I was talking about how sometimes vacations with kids need to be the priority–even beyond couple time. We need that time to bond as a family!
Tomorrow I’m leaving on vacation–though with my mom, rather than with my kids. So I don’t have a lot of time to write a post this week. But I wrote one last year about vacationing with kids that I just love, and I thought I would run it today to encourage all of you to get outside, sit in a hammock with a book, explore some historical areas in your town–or just laugh with your kids. It’s time that you will always, always cherish!
Here’s what I wrote last year: Top 10 reasons family vacations rock.
'10 Reasons Family Vacations Rock! (And why you should take some): 'Click To Tweet
1. Vacations don’t have to be expensive
We started going camping in a tent trailer with the kids when they were little. Nothing could be cheaper–about $30 a night for the site, and then we make our own food. And we went with friends, so the kids created these vacation traditions. We adults had a great time together, too!
2001–Bon Echo Park, Ontario
Now, we’ve also taken some expensive vacations–we took the kids and my mom on a Baltic cruise this year, for instance. But just because you don’t have a lot of money doesn’t mean that you can’t take a vacation! We even found renting an RV when we went to the Grand Canyon wasn’t that expensive, because we didn’t have to rent a car, and we could prepare all of our own food (since food is often what drives the price of vacations up!).
(And if you want to go the RV route, here are 10 things we learned last year about living in an RV while hubby & I were on the road!)
2. Kids learn about nature
We’ve always loved going places where nature is one of the big attractions–the Grand Canyon, the Bay of Fundy, even just camping. Wherever we go we like to take hikes and explore. My kids love being outdoors, and I think being up close and personal with nature teaches you so much about life and about God–and vacations are one of the best times to experience this.
2009–Bay of Fundy, New Brunswick (in our tent trailer!)
3. Kids learn about history and the rest of the world
When we’re driving, we always take detours whenever there’s something historical. I remember driving through Massachusetts once and coming upon a sign for the Louisa May Alcott home. That was cool, because we had just finished reading Little Women! And I find that kids naturally like museums, if you start them young. They enjoy discovering things. Even if you’re going to have a “stay-cation” near your home, it’s amazing how many things there likely are right around you to discover when you go looking for them.
2004–Scotland
4. You create so many memories
We tend to remember things that are out of the ordinary. That’s why taking a week or two out of our normal busy-ness and doing something completely different can be so precious for the family. And we tend to remember things more when we laugh as well! And laughter is much easier when you’re away from work, away from stress, and even away from the phone!
2010–The Grand Canyon
5. You have a shared experience
Vacations aren’t ONLY about creating memories–they’re about sharing something. When we went on our Baltic cruise we had two days in St. Petersburg, visiting the Hermitage and several palaces. But I think what made the whole thing even more special was the time we spent around the table at dinner debriefing and processing everything we had seen. The stark contrast between the immense wealth in the palaces and the buildings that were crumbling down all around us was jarring. And the feeling in the air was something I couldn’t really explain.
But as we all talked about it together, and shared what we had each thought, it crystallized more.
2016–St. Petersburg
Then there are the shared experiences when you accomplish something–like getting through the random searches in security or dealing with a crazy tour guide. You feel more like you’ve accomplished something together, sort of like you’re a victorious team!
Sometimes the accomplishment is a simple one–“Mommy and Daddy didn’t kill each other trying to put up the dining tent this year!” (seriously, that was a big accomplishment). But it’s good to celebrate these victories.
2001–Bon Echo, Ontario
6. You forge a new unit
One of the reasons we went on the cruise this summer was because we have a new member in our family, and we wanted to cement us as a NEW family unit. We wanted some family memories and experiences that we made together that included Connor, since all of our family shorthand and memories are totally new to him. And since Keith and I have never lived in the same city as Connor, it gave us a chance to get to know him better by spending two weeks straight with him.
2016–St. Petersburg
Whenever there’s a new member of the family, I think you need that time to make new memories, so that they’re not always feeling left out, and so that you have a chance to feel more like a team all together!
7. You get away from screens
At home we’re constantly wired. We watch Netflix, we check social media, we answer emails. On vacation we often deliberately don’t have access to wifi 24/7. When camping there often aren’t signals! And on the cruise internet is super expensive, so we only used it sporadically in cafes. So you get to actually enjoy being together and play games together, rather than just spend time with screens.
(Although, of course, we all had our phones with us this year. Katie still had to instagram!)
2016–Copenhagen
8. Kids spend time with each other, not with friends
When you’re on vacation as a family, you have to spend time together. Kids have to entertain themselves together, and not with friends. And if your kids are in different classes at school and different activities after school and have different groups of friends, vacations can be one of the times that they actually learn how to relate as siblings again!
2010–Grand Canyon
9. You can catch up on hobbies and reading
I get most of my novel reading done on vacations. If I read a novel at home, I can’t stop, and then I don’t get any work done. But when there’s no work to do? It’s bliss! And my kids have always loved knitting and reading on vacations, too.
2008–Charleston Lake Park, Ontario
10. Something always go wrong–and that’s funny!
Finally, some of our best memories and the things that we laugh about the most are when things go wrong while you’re on vacation. Daddy takes a wrong turn and we end up on a detour with the GPS to telling us to drive straight into a lake. We head camping for a week and it rains the majority of the time, so we teach someone how to play chess.
The weather wasn’t the best on our cruise this summer, but that’s okay. We just went with it! And sometimes it’s those less than perfect moments when you have to improvise and just choose to laugh anyway that end up sticking with you.
2016–Helsinki
We all need time to destress, and to laugh, and to just experience things together. And vacations are great times to do that!
You know, I appreciate you all taking the time and comment over the weekend and on last week’s post on what you think of family vacations. I like feeling like this blog is a little bit of a conversation–it’s not just me speaking, it’s you all speaking, too. That’s why I like the reader questions on Mondays so much, because I get to address what you all are asking. And I like it when we can talk about things, too.
So let’s talk about this more: why do you love family vacations? And best of all, any tips on doing it cheaply? Leave those tips and thoughts in the comments and let’s help each other!
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July 31, 2017
Here it is! The Only Way to Embrace Your Sexual Side
It’s the last day of July, which means it’s the last day of our Sizzling Summer Sex Series! That doesn’t mean I’ll stop talking about sex, of course (I tend to do that a lot), but I hope that I’ve built up to a central point this month: That sex is about intimacy and vulnerability and fun, and when we ignore one of those areas, we cause ourselves to lose out on so much.
I received a note from a woman recently which is the perfect question to cap off this series with. She wrote:
I’ve been reading everything you’ve been writing about being more adventurous and telling your husband what you want (and understanding that it’s good to have sexual desires!). But the problem is that I’m British. I’d love to talk to him about these things, but that’s just not who I am. And if I started talking sexy, I think he’d wonder where his wife went. What do I do?
Great question–and one I think a lot of women have.
It’s not because you’re British!
Honestly, I could hear any number of women saying this: “But I’m from the South!”, “But I’m Nigerian!”, “But I’m Baptist.” All kinds of cultures can be shy to talk about sex.
So, yes, you’re from a culture where this is awkward. I do get that. But so are many, many women.
And the fundamental question is this:
Do we believe that we’re supposed to grow?
Really, ask yourself that. Do you believe that you’re supposed to stay the way you are, or do you believe that God wants you to grow?
Often we use our culture as an excuse as to why we are the way we are. We think of it as something fixed. You know what Paul said about his culture?
Their mind is set on earthly things. 20 But our citizenship is in heaven. And we eagerly await a Savior from there, the Lord Jesus Christ, (Philippians 3:19b-20)
Our cultures don’t matter. Our God does.
And what does our God want?
For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, (Romans 8:29)
God wants us to be transformed. He wants us to look like Jesus.
Now, that’s a weird thing to think about in regards to sex, and I do get that. So what does it mean to look like Jesus?
I think it means to agree with Jesus. The things that Jesus calls good, we also call good. The things that Jesus calls bad, we also call bad. We conform our minds to His Truth, because He is the Way, the Truth, and the Life.
2 Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will. (Romans 12:2).
We’re not supposed to be conformed to this world. We’re supposed to renew our minds. And that means it doesn’t matter if you’re Southern, British, Nigerian, Baptist, or whatever. You decide that you are going to put all of that aside and chase after Jesus, because that’s what matters.
Let go of this idea that “this is just who I am.”
That is not Truth; that is an excuse. That’s all it is. It is an excuse that says,
“there’s nothing I can do about this, because this thing called ME is an immutable, unchangeable being. So if I’m going to have great sex, then you need to give me some advice that does not actually include any major discomfort or work on my part.”
That sounds harsh to this woman, and I don’t mean to be harsh. I understand that she’s coming from a place of deep frustration and pain and likely hopelessness.
But there is no shortcut to change.
God wants us to be sexually confident in marriage. But are we using excuses to hold back?Click To Tweet
Growth and change only happen when you decide that you aren’t going to accept “who you are”, and you’re going to chase after who God made you to be.
I wrote a whole book on how change happens in marriage, called 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage. What I focused on there was this concept from 2 Corinthians 10:5:
We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.
We take every thought captive, and we examine it, and we demolish any thought that doesn’t conform with Truth. We replace thoughts that are wrong with thoughts that are right.
It’s constant. It’s active. It’s a battle. But this is what we do.
And a neat thing happens when we decide to start engaging in the battle! God starts to change us. That’s what sanctification is. That’s a fancy word for saying that God starts to make us holy by changing us from the inside out.
Can 9 Thoughts that Can Change Your Marriage Help Me?
Often our marriages get stuck because we get stuck.
And often we’re stuck because some of the things that we’ve believed about marriage just aren’t true. We think that he’s supposed to make us happy. We think that we’re always mad and ticked off because of things that he does. We think that we’re not supposed to make waves, but are supposed to go along with everything and not rock the boat. We think that, if we don’t feel close, it must be because we’ve both changed.
What if all of those things are wrong? In the book I look at what God really wants us to think–and some of the truths may surprise you! And I’ll show you how just believing different things gives you very small things to do that make the biggest changes!
Yes, we need to fight. But ultimately it is God who does the changing. Yet He doesn’t do it until we actually yield to Him.
You can see this process in Romans 7 and 8. In Romans 7, Paul is making the argument that the Christian life is hard. And it’s ever so frustrating!
For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. 19 For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. (Romans 7:18-19).
Paul wants so desperately to change, but he keeps falling back.
But then Romans 8 comes! Romans 7 is about trying hard and living under the Law; Romans 8 is about learning to live by the Spirit. And it is the Spirit that changes us.
So how does this work, Sheila? Do we try to change or don’t we?
That’s really the mystery of faith! It works like this: We surrender ourselves to God and work hard to conform to His truth. And as we replace our will with His will, then He starts to change the way we think, so that we become different people. It’s almost a partnership. God does the changing, but He only does it when we decide to surrender and to let go of this thing called “me”. When we stop saying, “This is just who I am”, and we start saying, “God, I don’t want to be like this anymore! I want to stop believing lies and fill my head with your truth”–well, that is when God works.
The gospel even applies to our sex life! We need to change how we think and agree with Jesus.Click To Tweet
Does this mean we can be sexually confident?
You betcha! That was deep theology in this post, but I want you to have that as the framework. Change can happen. You are not trapped.
And once you understand that, then I’d like to point you to posts that can help you replace lies with truth, and can help you learn to be that sexually confident woman you want to be!
10 Ways to Be a Sexually Confident Woman
Top 10 Positive Things to Tell Yourself About Sex
Why Women’s Sexual Pleasure Matters
Check those out (and, of course, all the posts in the Sizzling Summer Sex Series). And remember–you get to choose who you will be. Will you be stuck, or will you start growing towards the freedom and intimacy God made you for?
Your Sizzling Summer Sex Challenge Day 21:
Embrace your sexual side!
Choose a sex-positive message to tell yourself at key times 5 times over the day. Maybe you choose when you hear a phone ring, or when you’re at a stop sign. Tell yourself, “I was created to enjoy my husband and to long for him,” or “I was created for my husband to find sexy!”, or “my body is a gift for both me and my husband, and it’s fun to enjoy it!” Then deliberately spend a few minutes thinking about what that means.
And ask God to start to transform your thinking and your feeling. He wants this for you, and He is eager to help you when you start to surrender!
Find other posts in the Sizzling Summer Sex Series here.
Now let me know in the comments: Do you have trouble with change because “that’s just the way I am”? How did you get over that?
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July 28, 2017
Do I Have to Give My Husband Sexual Favors If I Can’t Have Sex?
We’re winding up the Sizzling Summer Sex Series, and I needed to end it with two of the thornier questions that I get, because they’re important–before giving one final “Rah Rah You Can Do It” post on Monday (okay, I didn’t intend the double entendre there).
Yesterday I was talking about what to do when sex is off the table, almost permanently.
Today we’re looking at something different. It’s a temporary situation, and your sex life will return to normal soon. But in the interim, what is your obligation?
A woman wrote this really insightful email:
I am nursing our fourth baby and an newly pregnant with it fifth (that’s five babies in less than 7 years, from what I can gather from her email). Typically I have had a very healthy libido during pregnancy, but this time, not so much. As much as I want to be with my husband, my body simply will not respond.
This has brought to the forefront something that was only a minor issue in the past, and that is: Is it my job to give my husband sexual favors if I can’t have intercourse? I know I am probably wrong here, but I went into marriage believing that sex was a mutual giving and receiving of love, not just a legal physical release. I know he has needs (and we have sex at worst twice a week, except during my cycle), and sometimes I would like to satisfy him when I can’t fully participate, but the idea that it is my job, that I was created to be his sexual outlet or “tool” if you will, without a choice (as he believes the word help meet means), that sex, in his own words, is about using each other for our own pleasure, and not about love… Well, this creates pretty deep feelings of resentment, self hatred, and loneliness.
If I do favor him, at his urging, I struggle that much more the next time we have reciprocal sex. So, he has stopped asking. Last night he said that makes me the “boss” of our sex life, and that makes him feel like less of a man. I hate that I make him feel this way, but I also don’t know what to do with the powerful negative feelings evoked by my favoring him. I guess my issue with it all is, the sex desire I’m fulfilling in those cases has nothing to do with me, or our love, or a relationship, and everything to do with just physical urges. I don’t say this from a selfish desire to achieve my own climax, as I don’t always even during intercourse, and I’m ok with that. I just strongly resent being a tool, and I know my husband believes my view on the subject is sinful. How do I change? What do I do with the feelings? How do I submit to being used, without resentment?
How do I submit to be used?
Oh, honey. We’re not ever to submit to being used. This letter just made me so sad. Why are we believing these things? No wonder so many women are hurting!
You were not created to be a sexual tool.
Now disgraced pastor Mark Driscoll once wrote that women were created to be “penis homes”. That this is our worth–to be used by men and completed by men.
No, my precious sisters, you were created in the image of the living God.
You were designed for beautiful intimacy, which is what sex was created to provide. It was to be a mirror of the deep longing for true connection that God has for us. It is not simply physical; it is emotional and spiritual, too. I explained this at length in The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and that was my point in writing it: one of the reasons sex is so lousy for so many women is that we see it as shallow, as only about the physical, and we miss out on the beauty of true intimacy. That intimacy is life affirming and life giving. It is saying: you are worth knowing. You are worth exploring. You are worth loving.
These are Jesus’ words for you, and they should be a lover’s words for you, too.
In fact, look at that very word–“lover”. We call someone that we have sex with our lover because we are sharing something so deeply personal and intimate. Reduce it to something far less than that, and it is no longer two lovers in bed with one another. It is a master and a servant. And there is no intimacy between a master and a servant.
It is not doing sexual favors that poisons sex. It is reducing sex to obligation and physical release.
Let me clear here: the problem is not with her manually or orally stimulating him sometimes (there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that! Giving a gift can be fun!). The problem is that her husband is turning sex itself into an obligation, reducing sex to merely physical release. It’s rejecting the whole idea of “knowing” someone.
And then you tell your spouse, “You’re not really worth knowing.”
Make sex only about obligation and sexual release, and you tell your spouse 'you're not worth knowing.'Click To Tweet
(Now, both spouses can do this. Women who think of sex as only physical, and aren’t enthusiastic about sex, tell their husbands the same thing. When women think that sex isn’t important, we make our husbands feel as if they aren’t worth knowing–because if we wanted to know them, why wouldn’t we want to make love? But in this post I’m addressing this woman’s question from the point of view of the husband who is diminishing sex. If you’re a wife who is feeling as if perhaps you’ve been letting sex fall by the wayside, especially once kids come, you may want to read this post on how to keep sex alive once kids arrive, and this one on pregnancy, breastfeeding, and sex.).
What right do we have to criticize our culture for objectifying women if we’re going to do the exact same thing and treat women like sexual pawns of their husbands?
We dress the idea of “sexual favors” up in Christian language. We’re “not to deprive” one another. Sex is made for marriage, and marriage is made for sex. God made men with sexual needs, and marriage is the outlet God designed for men to get those sexual needs met.
It’s like the church is saying, “the problem with the world is that they have sex outside of marriage!”, as if the world’s approach to sex is just fine, except for that marriage thing. No, we need to redeem sex itself from the debasement that our culture has done and make it about intimacy, vulnerability, and love, not objectification.
What happens when we objectify sex? We ruin sex for both of us, but especially for women. She writes:
If I do favor him, at his urging, I struggle that much more the next time we have reciprocal sex.
She wants sex to be making love, feeling as if they are two people joining together. He’s making it only physical. And that wrecks everything. It wrecks her libido. It wrecks her enjoyment of sex. It wrecks sex itself, because it tears up this beautiful work of art and replaces it with a cheap substitute.
It is okay to recoil at something which is not God’s plan
When my daughter Rebecca was eight years old, we were vacationing in Jamaica. The resort where we were staying had shows around the pool every night, and one particular night a magician came who was going to swallow fire. Rebecca turned pale and turned to me and said, “We have to leave. There’s something really really really bad here.”
She had no words for it, but she knew something was deeply wrong, and everything in her little body wanted to flee.
When you know that something is deeply wrong, you do not have to be able to produce a three-pronged argument to show why you are right. Sometimes you just know. When you say no to something that others may be telling you is your duty, it is not always that you are being rebellious. Sometimes it is that you are standing up for what is right–that you are standing up for Jesus.
Our letter writer says,
The idea that it is my job, that I was created to be his sexual outlet or “tool” if you will, without a choice (as he believes the word help meet means), that sex, in his own words, is about using each other for our own pleasure, and not about love… Well, this creates pretty deep feelings of resentment, self hatred, and loneliness.
When we treat sex like it is only physical, we make a mockery of God’s precious design.
When we treat sex like it is only physical, we make a mockery of God's precious design.Click To Tweet
Resentment, self-hated, and loneliness are natural and good responses when God’s plan is tossed aside.
Treat sex as if it’s all about rights that can be demanded, and we do the opposite of the Lord’s prayer. We don’t bring God’s kingdom on earth; we try to replace what is holy and good with a cheap substitute. Remember God in the Old Testament crying and pleading with Israel to stop turning to wooden idols that couldn’t do anything for them and turn to the living God? I think God’s saying the same thing here.
Does that mean you should never “lend a hand”?
Of course it doesn’t! There’s such freedom in the marriage bed, and loving each other and giving to each other is a great thing!
But when that giving is only one way (she gives despite her physical discomfort, and he doesn’t exercise self-control) and when that giving is coerced, then it is no longer about two lovers giving. It’s about one person taking from another. And that has no place in a Christian marriage. No place at all.
I firmly believe that sex should be awesome in marriage. That’s why I did this Sizzling Summer Sex Series! I firmly believe that women especially need to be challenged to go outside of our comfort zones and embrace our sexual sides (more on that on Monday!). I firmly believe that if you don’t have much of a libido, that you need to work on that, because why would you want to miss out on something so great? Your marriage will thank you!
But I also firmly believe that sex is supposed to be something that binds you together in an intimacy unlike any other, not something that denies your humanity, reduces you to mere tools, and ends up pushing you further apart.
When a woman is exhausted, especially because of pregnancy and nursing, and is in physical discomfort, for a man to tell her that God wants her to let herself be used for his enjoyment cuts her to her very soul.
And it is not because she has to do something she gets no pleasure from. No, it is instead that:
It robs her of the beauty of sex that she was designed to experience.
Do we get this?
Until we treat women like objects of love, rather than objects to be used, we will never experience the beauty of sex the way God intended, because we will kill her spirit. And when her spirit is killed, the ability to even experience that kind of intimacy is wiped out.
Let’s get this right. It’s important.
Let’s love. Let’s be giving. Let’s excel in generosity! But let’s never, ever demand something in selfishness, or we undermine the beauty of sex itself.
Your Sizzling Summer Sex Challenge Day 20:
Practice truly “knowing” each other.
The next time you make love, start with praying together for your family (coming before God helps you to feel really close!). Or start with a long massage, where you each take turns massaging each other, preferably while naked. Make it not only about physical release, but also about feeling close. And then hold on to that feeling!
Find other posts in the Sizzling Summer Sex Series here.
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July 27, 2017
When Sex Just Won’t Work: Can We Have a Marriage Without Sex?
We’re nearing the end of our Sizzling Summer Sex Series, and I want to focus on two heavy scenarios today and tomorrow before we cap it off on Monday.
Today I’ve got a letter from a woman with a condition that makes sex very painful, with no treatment in sight:
I have lichen planus which is an autoimmune condition that makes my vulvar area extremely uncomfortable. Think yeast infection and then make it much worse than that. There is no cure. You use creams to prevent and creams when an outbreak comes. Sex almost always leads to an outbreak and even if it doesn’t there is some discomfort most times. I have gotten the desire to increase, but then I have an outbreak and cannot have sex. Once a outbreak hits it can last a day to three weeks depending on the severity. I have tried in the past to take care of him during long outbreaks, but he feels guilty. I could try foreplay as I know that will help him feel more connected and like I want it, but I won’t be able to be satisfied so it then is hard for me. My husband is discouraged, frustrated, hopeless. I am really trying to boost my libido, but I am always going to have this physical roadblock that can arise at any time. He doesn’t ask or try much anymore and I honestly will forget about it.
I remember another woman in the audience when I gave my sex talk. She was there as a marriage mentor, so she wanted to hear what I had to say so she could help other women. But she told me her story. Her husband had been in a motor vehicle accident five years prior and was now a quadrapalegic. His body does not respond sexually anymore, and he can’t feel anything.
Their sex life is over.
I know another couple where he had surgery for prostate cancer, and can no longer get an erection. Sometimes when ED hits it can be fixed by addressing porn issues, getting on a better diet and getting diabetes under control, or addressing deep seated psychological issues. But sometimes it honestly is permanent. And then what do you do?
I want to address this today, because it is something that many couples may face one day.
Sometimes life isn’t fair.
In just over a week I’ll be marking what would have been my son’s 22nd birthday. He never even lived to see his first on this earth. That still hurts.
It is not right to have to bury your child.
There are certain things that hurt more than others because we feel as if they are our due; they are what we deserve.
I should have healthy children.
I should be able to have children.
We should enjoy sex in our marriage.
We should stay healthy.
Sure, we may want other things as well, but some things are fundamental. We see them less as something we want and more as something we deserve–a natural part of life, something we have a right to. And when they are taken from us, it hurts more.
It is not fair if sex is taken from you.
I get it. I actually wrote a small book about how to handle it when life seems really, really unfair. In How Big Is Your Umbrella I talk about the things that we yell at God–and what God whispers back. And I think many of us are yelling at God right now because life is really, really unfair.
But we live in a fallen world. We are not in heaven. This is only earth; a shadow of what it is to come, and we should not assume that all will be smooth. When things go wrong, too, it does not mean that God planned harm for us or that it is somehow our fault. Sometimes bad stuff just happens.
The good news is that God knows and walks with us through that. But some of us have much more to walk through than others.
It’s okay to grieve.
It’s okay to be upset. It’s okay to be sad and to yell at God (I think many of the Psalms are actually David yelling at God, and we just read them with the wrong tone of voice). It’s okay to wrestle, because it’s often in the wrestling that we find our God, who grieves, too.
Please, though, as much as you can, try to grieve together. Something has been taken from both of you. This is not anyone’s fault. It is not the fault of the woman with this condition; of the husband with prostate cancer; of the man in the car accident. It happened. And yet now you both have to deal with it. And that is hard.
God does not expect you to say, “That’s okay! I’m happy anyway!” No, He wants you to find contentment, which is peace in any circumstance. But peace and sadness can coexist. Peace just means confidence that God is there and that it will be made right in time (even if that time is eternity). Peace does not mean pretending that you aren’t sad. God created us with emotions. It’s okay to have them.
Take what you can get.
With some conditions, some things will work but not others. Men who can’t maintain erections can sometimes still ejaculate; she may be able to have an orgasm as long as penetration isn’t attempted. Keep talking to your doctor about what you can and can’t do. Don’t be afraid to get second opinions or even to consult other kinds of health professionals. Sometimes radically changing diets can help with many conditions.
But if you can’t have intercourse, and you can do other things, don’t shy away from those other things. Keep intimate!
Nevertheless, with some couples, sex really is over, even if it’s only for a time during a recovery period.
There is a reason we vow “in sickness and in health”
The vow matters. Isn’t it wonderful that we can go through life with someone who will love us, regardless? Don’t feel guilty if you’re the one responsible for this loss in your marriage. It wasn’t intentional, and we should not carry guilt for something that was not intentional.
We vow “in sickness and in health” so that when sickness comes, we have someone to walk through it with us. This is a sickness, not a sin. This is covered by the marriage vows. And sometimes there is nothing else you can do.
Sex is not bigger than your marriage
Too often we equate sex with marriage. After all, if a marriage isn’t consummated, that’s grounds for divorce. So surely sex is an indisputable and inseparable part of marriage, right?
Well, yes. And no. Sex is meant to be a part of marriage, but it is not bigger than your marriage. And if you can’t have sex for medical reasons it does not mean that your marriage isn’t a real marriage.
I spend most of my time writing about sex. I’m passionate about helping people achieve better sex in their marriage so that they can grow better marriages. But I am also keenly aware that there are things more important than sex: Love. Commitment. Cherishing. Giving. Sacrificing.
These are all ways that we can be Jesus to our spouse. Some of us will be asked to give more than others. That doesn’t seem fair. But God does not ask us to do more than He gives us the strength for. Let Him carry you both through this. Let Him be there for you. And don’t ever, ever let your disappointment over sex rob you of your ability to enjoy and cherish your spouse. You loved each other first, soul to soul, before it was body to body. It can still be soul to soul. And that is something very profound.
Your Sizzling Summer Sex Challenge Day 19:
Remind each other that you were friends first, and lovers second.
Love is more than sex. Talk about adding some more friendship into your marriage! Maybe even decide to start a new hobby together. Make a date today to go and do something you both find fun–that doesn’t have anything to do with sex.
Find other posts in the Sizzling Summer Sex Series here.
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