Sheila Wray Gregoire's Blog, page 123

October 5, 2017

Have You Mistakenly Made God Seem Really Distant?

Sometimes the things we believe about God can actually make Him seem quite distant. One of those is our beliefs about how God sees sin.


When we think that all sins are equal, we can actually make God seem really heartless.

Last week I posted an article that went big on how I was mourning Hugh Hefner’s legacy. There was a bit of debate on the comments here, but on Facebook there was A LOT. So many people said something to the effect of:


All sins are equal in God’s eyes, so it isn’t your place to judge.


I think it’s really important to talk about this today, but not because I want us to have perfect doctrine. This isn’t primarily a theology question to me. This seriously matters for our lives, and here’s why:


Let’s say that the absolute worst thing that you can imagine happens to you: Maybe your child is kidnapped and killed, and the perpetrator caught. What should your response be?


The first thing most of us think is that we should forgive him. We’re told to forgive, after all, and for own good we need to leave this in God’s hands.


But what if you can’t? What if you’re absolutely going crazy with grief? What then?


You desperately need God to put His arms around you. You need God to comfort you. You need God to make the crazy thoughts in your head stop and help you to find peace again. But how can you do that if you feel like God sees you and the rapist in the same way?


You see, if God views all sin the same, then God looks at you and He looks at the rapist and He sees you the same way.

That means that God cannot possibly understand what you are feeling right now. God wants you to get over the fact that your child was tortured and killed, and realize that you are no better.


But if God feels that way, then God is not there in the midst of your pain–except to say, “the only way out is to realize that you are just as bad, and you need Me just as much.”


That makes God seem like a monster. Does God honestly view a child rapist and killer in the same way that He views a regular, everyday person? Does God not see a difference? If He doesn’t, then He doesn’t understand how horrible it is to lose a child. He doesn’t understand your plight. So when you most need Him, all you feel is condemnation (because you can’t get past this and just understand that we are all sinners).


That’s why this matters. One day we’re all going to go through something bad. I pray, of course, that it’s never anything like this! But in the midst of our suffering, whatever it may be, we desperately need to know that God sees, God cares, and God understands. And if God doesn’t think there’s something extra painful about losing a child, or about betrayal by those closest to us, or about injustice, then God doesn’t understand pain. And if He doesn’t understand pain–then how can you turn to Him with yours?




If God doesn't understand pain, then how can you trust Him with yours? How we think about God matters!Click To Tweet

I want you to know that God understands, sees, and bleeds with you. So let’s take a look at why all sins are NOT equal and why God does indeed understand that certain sins hurt worse than others.


Does God Seem Distant? Maybe the problem is that you believe things about Him that just aren't true! A look at the common belief that all sins are equal, and why that's not true.


We are all sinful–yes. And only Jesus was sinless

A basic doctrine of Christianity is that we all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God (Romans 3:23). And we know that even the smallest sin means that we are no longer right with a righteous God. “For whoever keeps the whole law and yet stumbles at just one point is guilty of breaking all of it.” (James 2:10).


So all of us deserve death, and all of us need Jesus as the only way to get right with God. Absolutely.


However, that does not mean that all sins are equal

Basically, people who say that God sees us all the same are combining two different things which really shouldn’t be combined.


The fact that we have all sinned means that there are two groups: Jesus, and everyone else. But just because “everyone else” is in its own group does not mean that “everyone else” is identical.


God certainly does judge some sins more harshly, and He draws a distinction between the level of different people’s sins. Tons of Scriptures say this; I’ll pull out just two.


And if anyone will not welcome you or heed your words, shake the dust off your feet when you leave that home or town. Truly I tell you, it will be more bearable for Sodom and Gomorrah on the day of judgment than for that town. (Matthew 10:14-15).


Jesus is saying that if people won’t listen to his disciples when they come to tell the good news, then those people will be judged more harshly at the judgment day than those from the Old Testament destroyed cities of Sodom and Gomorrah.


Then there’s this one, about the kings of Israel:


In the twelfth year of Ahaz king of Judah, Hoshea son of Elah became king of Israel in Samaria, and he reigned nine years. He did evil in the eyes of the Lord, but not like the kings of Israel who preceded him. (2 Kings 17:1-2, my emphasis). 


We see variations of this all throughout the talks of the kings of Israel and Judah; that some people were more evil than others.


There are more Scriptures than just these (like the countless Scriptures that refer to God’s enemies), and we can share them in the comments if people still aren’t convinced, but for the sake of brevity I’ll leave it there–all sins are not equal, and some people are more evil than others.




We are all sinful, yes. We all deserve death. But that doesn't mean God sees all sins the same.Click To Tweet
Jesus Himself gets most upset about certain things

Jesus was sent to be flesh and blood among us, so that we could see what God is really like. And how did Jesus respond to sin? He did not get equally angry at all sins. Indeed, He got fired up more about certain sins than others.


He reserved most of his anger at the religious leaders of the day who were pretending to be holy, but who actually were sanctimonious and prideful. And why was this so bad? Jesus explains it here:


Jesus replied, “And you experts in the law, woe to you, because you load people down with burdens they can hardly carry, and you yourselves will not lift one finger to help them.” (Luke 11:46)


They made worshipping God be all about rules, and they laid such heavy burdens on people, and them condemned those people when they couldn’t meet the standards, so that they themselves could feel better than everyone else.


The end result? The people weren’t able to feel God’s blessing and love. And that’s what made Jesus angry: When the people were pushed away from God.


That’s also the same motivation that He had when He cleared the money changers’ tables in the temple courtyards. The money changers were preventing people from being able to worship God, and were also keeping foreigners away from knowing God (because they were set up in the area where foreigners were supposed to be allowed to worship).


Jesus didn’t rage at those who got drunk; He didn’t yell at those who gossiped; He didn’t get upset at lazy people. I’m not saying those things aren’t sinful. I’m just saying that He reserved His deepest anger for those who pushed people away from God.




Does God Seem Distant? Maybe the problem is that you believe things about Him that just aren't true!Click To Tweet
In the Old Testament, God punishes some things more than others

In a similar way, in the Old Testament, God set up all kinds of rules for how the Israelites were to live–rules that they routinely didn’t follow. And God laid out punishments that Israel would receive if they failed to follow the law.


But God didn’t punish constantly, at each infraction. On the contrary, it was as if God had a threshold, and once that threshold was reached, then He sent the nations into exile.


And the two sins that He rages against the most? Idolatry, or turning to other gods, and injustice, or failing to plead the case of the poor and the widow and the orphan. God cares when people hurt His children.


Jesus Himself gets emotional at the things that we would get emotional at

We see Jesus get really emotional four times in Scripture: When Lazarus dies; when John the Baptist is beheaded; when He’s praying in the Garden of Gethsemane the night before He’s to be arrested, tried, and killed, and the disciples won’t pray with Him; and when He looks over Jerusalem and feels as if they are all lost and won’t hear the truth about how God loves them.


What do we learn about all of these things? Jesus is affected by death. He mourns when someone He loves dies. Jesus is affected by betrayal or loneliness; He feels badly when the disciples won’t support Him, and He hurts that Jerusalem has rejected Him. He desperately wants to feel connected to us and to love us. He cares.


The Conclusion: God cares about injustice, and He cares about His people hurting

He goes to battle for us. He notices us. He sees us.


And I just want you all to know that today. I worry about the people who were saying so loudly, “God sees all sins as equal so He sees us all the same”, because I think that that belief may sound very pious and holy when life is good, but when life gets bad, it can make God seem like a monster.


Rest assured: when God looks down at Hitler and Mao and Stalin and even Hugh Hefner, He does not see you. He sees evil, and feels the burden of evil. Evil angers Him. And while all sin separates us from God, all sin does not have equal impact. God knows that. And God cares.


If your child dies, He knows that’s an extra hard pain. If you are betrayed by your husband, He knows that hurts more than other sins. If you’re abused, He knows that this has greater impact than other things.


And that means, that when you are at the lowest point in your life, God will always be the safest place to turn to.




When you are at the lowest place in your life, God understands. And He will always be a safe place.Click To Tweet

What do you think? Do some of the things that we commonly believe actually make God seem distant? Let’s talk in the comments!


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Published on October 05, 2017 04:27

October 4, 2017

Wifey Wednesday: Is It Important to Be on the Same Page with Parenting?

How important is it that parents agree on parenting styles?

Why I Didnt Rebel LandingIt’s Wednesday, which is when we talk marriage on the blog! Parenting can be a huge strain on marriage if you don’t agree with how the other is choosing to parent. And all over marriage circles, couples are told “you must be on the same page when it comes to parenting! Show a united front!”


I’ve certainly said that in the past, too. But when my daughter Rebecca did her interviews for her book Why I Didn’t Rebel, she found something surprising that I think is worth talking about today.


Basically, this stuff is just really messy. And you’ve got two relationships to think about here: Your marriage, and your kids. Ultimately I hope we can find a way to grow both, but I don’t think ignoring real problems will do that.


So let’s listen to what Rebecca found, and then we can chat:


Do You Need to Be on the Same Page when Parenting? Surprising findings about different ways of parenting--and how doing the best for your child is always the right thing to do.
What do you do if you disagree with how your spouse is parenting? 

While I was writing Why I Didn’t Rebel, I inevitably came across stories where parents had very different parenting styles. And how they handled it had a huge impact on their kids’ relationship with their parents.


One such story was Nathan’s. I’m not going to comment on the marriage aspect here; I just want to encourage us to look at it from the perspective of a teen. So here are three things I learned in looking at his story:


Presenting a united front doesn’t always help your kid. 

Nathan constantly fought with his mother. In his house, she did most of the parenting. Nathan’s mom had strict rules, and stricter discipline when anyone broke those rules. Nathan loved his mom, and knew that she loved him more than life itself, but he couldn’t get past how unfair the rules and the punishments felt. The rules were law, but were not logical. He’d be able to go into town on his own, but couldn’t go to a friend’s house if he was alone. And even if he broke a small rule, like not cleaning his room on time, he could be punished really harshly, like having to stay home from a weekend trip he had been planning for months.


They got into screaming matches about the rules or punishments where they would both say hurtful things they regretted, but neither one would apologize for fear of giving the other person more control. It was a mess.




What do you do when you and your spouse disagree on how to parent? Here's the kid's perspective!Click To Tweet

Nathan’s dad was completely the opposite. Instead of cracking down on rules and handing out punishments, he believed in discussing reasons for why you shouldn’t do certain things, or why some things are wrong. He believed in giving his son a chance to explain himself and make it right on his own and often thought that the punishments did not fit the crime. And he knew that Nathan responded well to him. “Mom treated me like a little boy, Dad always treated me like a man,” Nathan explained, “I felt respected and heard when he talked to me, but it wasn’t like that with mom.”


For the most part, Nathan’s dad saw parenting as his wife’s job, since she had taken it upon herself. But he also saw what was happening to his son’s relationship with his mother.


So what did Nathan’s father do?


Sometimes admitting when things are wrong can bring healing for your child. 

Nathan’s dad saw the power struggle that was going on, and he didn’t like it. He hated seeing his son and his wife butt heads and refuse to apologize to each other. So after particularly bad fights, he started to sit down with Nathan and try and explain where Nathan’s mom was coming from. He didn’t agree with his wife, and he told his son as much. He saw that the interactions they were having were a serious risk to their relationship and wanted to try and fix it.


And when Nathan grew up and became an adult, it was those conversations with his dad that made him decide that he’d had enough of rebellion and wanted to become the kind of man his father was.


Here’s the thing: kids know when things are wrong. We sense when things are unjust, unfair, or just a flat out lie. When parents are able to admit when there’s something wrong, they become much more trustworthy and then teenagers have a much easier time respecting them. All parents make mistakes, but being able to call out those mistakes and replace them with honesty has incredible healing power. It’s why Nathan and his mom have a good relationship now, and why he is living for God.




All parents make mistakes--but how you handle those mistakes has a huge impact. Click To Tweet
Your family needs to be able to parent out of truth.

I have two parents who can be quite hot-headed. I talk about it in the book (with their permission), but they did have tempers when we were younger and I got yelled at a lot. When I hit my preteen years, my mom started to notice the toll it was having on me and would take me for long walks after a bad fight with Daddy and we would just talk. She would tell me that I’m right to be hurt, and that it wasn’t OK, and then when I got home, Dad would apologize. Their ability to talk to me about what was really going on, even if it meant talking about the flaws of the other person, is one of the reasons our relationship is so strong today.


I’ve been married for about 2 and a half years now (I know, we’re still babies!), but something I’ve learned in my arguments with Connor is that we usually butt heads about one of two things: preferences, or truth. Either we want different things but either would be an acceptable choice, or we differ because one of us is doing something wrong and doesn’t want to admit it.


In my interviews I found a similar strain in parenting. Sure, there are parenting differences about the silly things–I think he should play hockey, she thinks he should play soccer. One parent may have to defer to the other just to make the household work.


But when it comes to disagreements on what is morally right, presenting a united front isn’t necessarily helpful to your kid.


Different Ways of Parenting - Wifey Wednesday: Is It Important to Be on the Same Page with Parenting?


It wouldn’t help me if Connor just sidled up alongside me anytime I got bitter or resentful and said, “I’m going to support you in this, honey!” No, I need him to speak truth into that situation and tell me I’m being horrible. Nathan’s dad knew it was time to speak truth about Nathan’s experience, because it was tearing apart Nathan’s relationship with his mom. My mom and dad were able to talk to me about ways they had hurt me because they valued my rights higher than any united front or fight for control.




Parenting out of truth and honesty is more important than maintaining a united front. Here's why:Click To Tweet

In any area of life, our number one priority as Christians needs to be that truth is spoken. Jesus said it himself–“then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free” (John 8:32). Parents whose goal was to speak truth and honesty into their kids’ lives gave their kids the gift of a relationship with parents they could trust.


Thanks, Rebecca! (And for the record, Keith and I did yell too much. And it’s something that God did really heal for both of us. Keith and I did have to have a talk when Rebecca was about 13 on how I thought he was being too harsh–and he did agree with me).


I’ve heard people talk so much about how parents have to have a united front, because the marriage is the most important relationship. But I think that when one parent is being wrong to a child, it’s also important to acknowledge that. I’ve even heard some Christian pastors and authors say that the mom should support the dad, even if he’s charged with pedophilia, because we’re yoked to the father, not the kids. I couldn’t disagree more.


Our kids really need us. And Becca found that the kids who rebelled were more likely to have parents who were harsh or who didn’t acknowledge truth.


So now we’re left with a really, really thorny question. How do you deal with it if you’re not on the same parenting page? What do you do if your spouse is being unreasonable? How do you honour both relationships?


I’ve seen situations, for instance, where the mom has inserted herself in the middle of the relationship and just made everything worse! She’s made her kids hate their dad. So there has to be some middle ground.


What do you think? Let’s talk in the comments!



why i didnt rebel 3d cover image square - Wifey Wednesday: Is It Important to Be on the Same Page with Parenting? This is the launch week for Rebecca’s book Why I Didn’t Rebel! It’s got stories like Amelia’s from yesterday, and Nathan’s from today.

And because it’s launch week, we’ve got a ton of freebies for you! When you order Why I Didn’t Rebel today, you’ll also get two of my own books–FOR FREE! You’ll get download links to How Big Is Your Umbrella, as well as Raising Kids You Actually Like. And you’ll get an extra Q&A chapter featuring both Rebecca and me answering your questions.


Step One: Order the Book!
Step Two: Email Us Your Receipt!

It’s a great book! Don’t miss it.


 

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Published on October 04, 2017 06:04

October 3, 2017

Why I Didn’t Rebel: or How to Raise Kids That Aren’t Messed Up

Today is the official launch day for Why I Didn’t Rebel !

That’s right. As of today, my baby’s book is officially out!


We’ve been talking about the book a ton in the newsletter and on the blog, and you’ll hear some more posts about the difficult parenting questions over the next few days, but today we wanted to share with you more what the book is like, since you already know what the book is about!


So we’re giving you a peek into the book and sharing an excerpt from one of the chapters in Rebecca’s book. And at the end of the post, there are some really awesome deals for you right now during launch period, so make sure you don’t miss that!


Without further ado, here’s an excerpt from Chapter 7 on Reality-Based Parenting (or raising kids to be able to cope with the real world).


Do you know how to parent to prepare your kids for the real world? Here are some tips!

Why I Didnt Rebel LandingI met Amelia when I was 12 years old. My family had just switched churches, and I was pretty scared when we stepped in the door of the new church. But then 14-year-old Amelia enveloped Katie and me in a big hug and introduced herself. From that day on, Amelia was my role model: she was older than me, she had Disney-princess hair, and she could even sing as loudly as I could, which, as anyone who knows me can tell you, is quite a feat.


Amelia grew up with a very competitive spirit.

What comes naturally to Amelia is to work and work and work until you see the results you want. Why would you ever admit defeat?


This perfectionist streak started young. In fifth grade, Amelia’s youth group decided to throw a mini Olympics. It contained the typical types of games and sports—beanbag tosses, races, and soccer, to name a few. Amelia’s competitive side got very excited about this, despite the fact that she hated sports of any kind. She rallied her team, and they tried their hardest all day.


And she placed second.


“My little perfectionist self was devastated,” Amelia laughed. A few days later Amelia was still very upset, and her mom asked her what was wrong. Amelia replied “we came in second, so we might as well have lost. We’re losers.” Amelia’s mom, however, had a different opinion.


“Woah,” her mom said, “first off, second place is not losing. You did great, but if you had come in fourth it would also have been OK! In fact, if you had come in last it would have been OK, too. You were not there to win. You were there to have a really good time. Did you have fun?” Amelia begrudgingly agreed that they had, and although she didn’t internalize the message at that moment, her mom and dad continually reminded her that it’s OK not to be the best.


When she started at university many years later, she had high hopes.

Always one of the brightest kids in her class back in high school, she was accepted into a prestigious university to study biology, one of her passions. But as prepared as she thought she was, classes were a shock. She wasn’t the big fish in a little pond anymore—she found herself a small fish in a big pond. She was surrounded by the best of the best science students in Canada, competing for top of the class with students who were, quite frankly, smarter than she was. She had to deal with not being the best. “I did feel a lot of pressure,” Amelia explained, “but it was mainly from myself. I always knew that my parents were proud of me even if I didn’t get the highest grade.”




Parents, teach your child: It's not your job to BE the best, it's your job to DO your best!Click To Tweet

In her second month of her first semester, she failed a test for the first time. It came as a shock. Although she brought her grade up in that course during the rest of the semester, that first test was a huge turning point in Amelia’s life. “I was devastated by that test,” Amelia explained, and she called her mom, distraught. Her mom, however, didn’t try to convince Amelia that her grades would improve. Rather, she told her daughter, “You will not succeed at everything. And that’s perfectly fine. You don’t have to be the best at everything, you just need to do your best and let God take care of the rest. Make sure that you don’t sacrifice your well-being for your grades—God has equipped you for what He has planned for you.”


So Amelia, despite her perfectionism, decided that she needed to let go of her dream of having the highest marks in her class. “I decided that getting the best mark wasn’t most important to me. I wanted to have time to be involved with Christian fellowship groups and to keep up with friends, and I just didn’t have time for both.” Amelia shrugged, “So I worked my hardest, but I was never top of a class again.”


Overall, Amelia achieved good marks—she passed her classes, and she graduated with her degree in biology and was accepted for a master’s in biology, as well. About a year in, she realized that her master’s degree was not what she wanted to be doing. It wasn’t an easy decision, since quitting meant failure in Amelia’s eyes, but eventually she admitted wasn’t where she was called and left it behind.


GRAPHIC reality based parenting 2 - Why I Didn't Rebel: or How to Raise Kids That Aren't Messed Up
When Amelia was faced with threats to her identity as “the smart one,” it didn’t shake her faith.

That’s because for Amelia, the biggest part of her identity was never her grades. Instead, her parents had raised her to know that her identity was found in Christ alone, and in who He was and what he did for her. They would say prayers together every night, and as part of their ritual Amelia’s mom and dad would say, “I love you” and then ask Amelia, “Why do I love you?” And Amelia would answer, “Because I am a gift from God.”


Today, Amelia is embarking on a new chapter. She has been accepted into a prestigious midwifery program, and I can’t picture anyone who is better suited for it. She is not where she thought she was going to be when she was 16, but she knows that God is pleased with her, and that is all that really matters.




How to parent to prepare your kids for the real world & keep their identity in Christ >>Click To Tweet

*******


In Matthew 25, Jesus tells a parable of three men whose master leaves them with different sums of money to look after while he’s gone. One man is given one talent, the other is given two talents, and the other is given five talents. Now, in the parable, the men with two and five talents both go and they invest the money and by the time the master comes back, they have doubled his money. But the man with one talent goes and hides his money, because he is scared of his master, and the money does not see any growth.


We spend a lot of time focusing on the man with one talent and the man with five talents, but in my experience we don’t talk a lot about the man with two talents.

But something I’ve realized is this:


The master was equally pleased with the man with two talents and the man with five. He gave them both the same praise: “Well done, good and faithful servant. You have been faithful over a little; I will set you over much. Enter into the joy of your master.” It wasn’t about how much they made—it was about how they used what they were given.


I think that’s where we go wrong a lot of the time. Michael’s mom [a story that was told earlier in the chapter] thought that unless he was a five-talent guy, it wasn’t worth trying. Amelia and Amanda’s moms, though, knew that it wasn’t about how many talents you were given—it was about how you used them. It was about understanding the love and acceptance of God, and working your hardest to be a good and faithful servant for Him.


Maybe we all need to start Amelia’s bedtime ritual.


“I love you,” said her parents, “And why do I love you?” they asked their daughter.


And she would answer, “Because I am a gift from God.”


It isn’t about how much. It’s about how.


GRAPHIC reality based parenting - Why I Didn't Rebel: or How to Raise Kids That Aren't Messed Up

Rebecca interviewed 25 young people for the book, to find the commonalities between the kids who rebelled, and the commonalities for the kids who didn’t. She also scoured social science research to find trends and studies that showed which parenting techniques tended to result in the best relationship with kids.


And then she simply told those kids’ stories.

Besides Amelia, you’ll hear about Parker, whose parents expected her to live up to her potential–but still laughed hard and played hard. You’ll hear about Hailey, whose mom expected the worse. You’ll hear about Shiloh, whose parents tried to raise her to love God, but ended up making God all about rules, and about Patrick, who knew everything about the church but very little about Jesus. And then you’ll hear about sisters Lily and Jennifer, who grew up without a great church family–but a vibrant belief in God anyway.


You’ll hear about parents who knew that it was about God, not about the church. You’ll hear about parents who knew that families should be teams, not clubs (and you’ll learn why that matters). You’ll learn what faith-based parenting, as opposed to fear-based parenting, looks like. And you’ll see that you can actually get there!


This is such a fun read. It’s filled with stories, mingled with solid research, and it will point you to one central thing: whether or not your children rebel, their relationship with you matters. And the cool thing is that even if kids do rebel, as long as they have a strong relationship with you, they’re much more likely to come back to the fold (just like the prodigal son!).




New book Why I Didn't Rebel launches TODAY! It's a MUST-READ for all parents! whyididntrebel.comClick To Tweet

I do believe that this is one of the best parenting books I’ve ever read (and Gary Thomas agrees!). Like my friend Erin Odom from The Humbled Homemaker said, “This is a must-read for every Christian parent.”


But I’m going to be honest with you: The first day of sales really matters to the publisher and to the big online retailers who sell it. The better it does in the first day, the more likely stores are to stock it in perpetuity, and the more likely Rebecca is to get media interviews.


So if you’re going to buy it anyway, can I give you an incentive to do so today?


We’ve got a TON of freebies for you during this launch period!

If you buy the book TODAY and forward your receipt here, you’ll get:


A bonus Q&A chapter where we tackle some hard parenting questions that you asked us!
A book study guide (for individuals or groups)
An action plan to help you implement the principles in the book to get a better parent-child relationship

And I’m going to give away two of my own ebooks today, for free!


Raising Kids You Actually Like (a great companion for Why I Didn’t Rebel!)
How Big Is Your Umbrella: Weathering the Storms of Life (about walking through grief when my son died, and what God whispered back to me)

Why I Didn’t Rebel isn’t just for parents of teens. It’s also for parents of younger kids, so that they can see what they can do NOW to start setting up the teen years to be super fun!


So step one:


Order Why I Didn’t Rebel Now!

Step two:


Email us your receipt!

We’re so excited about this. My dream is to see Christian parents start raising kids with authenticity and relationship, rather than rules, teaching kids to run after Jesus in a way that’s natural and enticing, rather than stifling. I think we can do it!


 

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Published on October 03, 2017 06:03

October 2, 2017

Reader Question: Should You Get Married Just Because You Have a Child Together?

Should you marry your baby’s father?

That’s a question that, a century ago, wouldn’t even have been a question. If you’re pregnant, of course you should get married! But today it’s possible for a woman to raise a child on her own and not starve. So this is a practical question that many pregnant women face. Every Monday I like to post a reader question and take a stab at answering it, and today’s is really tough. A reader writes:


I have been dating a guy for 4 years and we are expecting our second child in a month. We have been through a lot given that our first child was unexpected, but he has always provided for us and been faithful to me and our family. I was desperate for a second child and did not want my son to grow up an only child as I was, however we are still not married. Being a Christian, I see the flaws in my thinking having another child out of wedlock. We live together and our relationship resembles a marriage, however, we are still not married. We have talked about it and even ring shopped, so I am basically waiting on him to make a move. The only problem is that he does not follow Christ and has no relationship with Him whatsoever. He does not deny that there is a God and will accompany me to church on occasion. I am just so on the fence about seeking marriage with an unbeliever, yet, I feel like I am way past committed to this man and want to remain with him. Is this wrong from a Biblical standpoint? Would God consider this to be a marriage already even though we have not gone before Him and taken vows?


Great question! And before I answer it, I just want to point out one thing. She said, “Being a Christian, I see the flaws in my thinking having another child out of wedlock.” It is not a sin to have a child. Ever. That child should never be seen as lesser in any way. That child is a new creation, and is blessed and is in the image of God. The sin was in sex outside of marriage, not in getting pregnant. And it seemed like the couple was having sex anyway. I just think that’s important to clarify, because we shame a lot of kids who shouldn’t have shame. The child is not the sin.


That being said, let me throw out some things to consider.


To say you won’t marry someone, but you will live with them, really makes no sense

I want to talk about the broader question of whether or not you should marry the father of your baby in a minute, but I do want to look at something specific here.


What she’s saying is this:


I’m a Christian, and he is not. The Bible says that we’re not supposed to marry unbelievers, because that is a sin. So I likely shouldn’t marry him. So instead I’ll keep living with him and having sex with him and having his children…but we won’t be married?


This seems a little backwards to me. If you’re already living with him, then you’re not living as a Christian anyway. The question is, given our circumstances, how can I get right with Christ? And the answer would be to marry him. Continuing to live with him without being married isn’t going to get you right with Christ, but the Bible is clear that marriage between a believer and a non-believer is still a valid marriage. It’s not necessarily a wise one, but it is a valid marriage. Given that you have two children with him, personally, if that’s your only issue, I’d marry him in a heartbeat.


(And I’d also change your thinking on this one, because you seem to be thinking, “I’m better than him because I’m a Christian and I can’t marry him because he’s not”, but to be totally blunt, in this situation he’s acting more in line with his values. He’s sticking by you and your children; you’re the one not acting according to your values, because you’re living with him out of wedlock. So love him and accept him; that’s far more likely to win him to Christ than to act like you’re holier than he is.)


But what if his faith isn’t the only issue? Then how do you decide? Let’s look at some big picture issues.




If you find yourself pregnant, should you marry the baby's father? Some questions to ask.Click To Tweet

Should You Marry Your Baby's Father? Thoughts on whether or not to get married if you're pregnant--and how to choose well.


It is valid to consider the children’s well-being when you decide whether or not to marry the man who got you pregnant

Social science research shows us that children fare far better in households with two married, biological parents. And a child is twenty-five times more likely to be sexually abused living in a household with a step-father than with a  biological father, and even more likely to be abused living in a household where mom is dating. Any time you introduce adult males into the household who aren’t related to the child, there is a risk for that child.


But it’s not just that. When children grow up with stability, they fare better. The marriage status of the parents actually matters more than education or income when it comes to how well the children fare. Marriage seriously matters, so, since you’ve already conceived a child, that does merit some consideration.


Your child didn’t ask to be here. You did things backwards, and now it’s time to ask whether you can repair the situation and make this a good one for your baby.


That being said, sometimes marriage to the baby’s father isn’t in the best interests of anyone

I have had other questions from readers who started dating a guy, ended up pregnant, and drifted into living with him because of the baby. But he just wasn’t a good guy. But because they were living together, she ended up pregnant again. And life is just difficult.


It’s admirable to want to give your child a father. But I think it’s even more important at this emotional stage when you realize that you’re pregnant that you take a big step back and ask yourself, what is the wise thing to do here? The wise thing is not always to marry the child’s father.


If a man isn’t a good guy, then you may end up marrying him only to divorce him a few years down the road. And then things are even messier. You need to ask these questions:


Does he believe in working hard? Will he contribute financially to this family and strive to work hard and be responsible?
Does he believe in faithfulness? Has he shown that he can be committed to just me, and that I won’t have to worry about him chasing after other women?
Is he free of addictions, especially the addiction to pornography, which will ruin a marriage if not dealt with?
Does he encourage me to speak my mind, or does he try to control what I’m thinking and doing? (Marrying someone who is abusive is the worst thing you can do for you or your child. Natalie at Emotional Abuse Survivor has a great post detailing how you can tell if he’s an abuser).
Does he support you around the household, or does he expect you to completely take care of him? Someone who is lazy or entitled will not make a good marriage partner for life.

If you answer no to any of those questions, then marrying him is likely not a good idea, even for the sake of your child. In fact, for the sake of your child, it’s likely best if you get out, get involved in a church community, and try to create a good life for your baby. It will be hard, yes. But you need to give your child the best start you can.


It is tempting to try to convince yourself that things will work with this guy. You’re afraid of raising this child alone. You tell yourself that he’ll change, that things will be all right. But in general, people don’t change. And marrying someone who will only bring you heartache isn’t necessarily the best thing for your child either.


Notice the question I didn’t ask, though.


I don’t think your husband has to be the love of your life

I didn’t ask if you think he’s “the one”, your soul mate, the person who causes you to lose sleep and makes your stomach flip over. Those are important questions, but once you’re pregnant, I think the child’s stability and happiness matters most (that’s why we should wait; so that we have the chance to ask that important question!).


A man can still make a great father even if he isn’t the perfect match for you. And you can decide that you will pour yourself into this marriage and into this family.


What you can’t do is make a marriage work with someone of poor character. You can live without heart-stopping love; you can’t live without good character.




Character trumps everything: Don't ever marry a guy with bad character--even the father of your baby.Click To Tweet
The Warning: Don’t Do Things Backwards

The big thing I want people to understand is that doing things backwards adds so much stress and heartache to your life. When you have sex with someone that you’re really not interested in marrying, you still run the risk of winding up pregnant. And that prolongs this relationship with this guy who isn’t very good indefinitely. He’s eligible for shared custody. He’s going to be in your life forever now, whether you marry him or not. And his family will be in your life, too.


You owe it to yourself, and to your future children, to go slowly and go wisely and listen to what God says. The reason He tells us to wait for marriage for sex isn’t because He’s mean or He wants to kill all our fun; it’s because it honestly is the best for us and for any future children. When we jump into bed with someone we don’t really love, we can cause a huge mess in our lives.


Those children will still be blessings, but life will be much more complicated than it needs to be.


What do you think? Should a woman marry the father of her baby? How should she decide? Let’s talk in the comments!


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Published on October 02, 2017 05:28

September 29, 2017

On Hugh Hefner’s Death–Terrible Legacy

Some people are not worth mourning. Because of Hugh Hefner’s influence on our pornographic culture, I’d put him in that category.

We politely say RIP about pretty much everyone who dies, but that’s not the biblical view. Certainly we’re to pray for our enemies, but there’s also this realization that some people, by their very existence, make the world worse. And we don’t need to pretend otherwise.


Hugh Hefner was one such person.


I am mourning today, but I am not mourning for Hugh Hefner. I am mourning for what he did to our culture. Yesterday I was Skyping with Ashley Easter, who is doing great work helping survivors of abuse within the church, and promoting healing. And we were talking about how being married to someone with a porn addiction can give a wife PTSD, and can be abusive, in and of itself, especially if he’s dehumanizing her and asking her to act out things that he sees. He’s not treating her like a person; he’s treating her like an object. That’s what abuse does, too. They have that in common. They say: You are a body to use. 


So I’d just like to write today about some of the thoughts that have been running through my head about Hugh Hefner’s influence on our society.




I do not mourn Hugh Hefner. I mourn his terrible legacy on porn, marriage & the sexes.Click To Tweet

Hugh Hefner Left a Horrible Legacy: He made porn cool, and he made objectifying women cool. Can we find real intimacy in a post-Hefner world?


So many people in my generation had their first exposure to pornography through Playboy magazine

When I was about 8, my best friend Christine showed me a stack of Playboys in her shed that her dad had stashed there. I’m thankful that we didn’t look too hard at them, but I know she and her older brother looked at them a bunch.


It was normal to have stacks of Playboys around. I remember being on a missions trip when I was 16, and one of the female leaders, who was about 27 at the time, recounting how she had seen a Playboy when she was about 10, and she was still struggling to get those images out of her head. It really impacted how she saw sex.


And that’s one of the biggest problems: When we’re just starting to have sexual feelings, and then we see porn around the same time, we pair the feeling of sexual arousal with a degrading image, rather than with a relationship with someone we love. What becomes sexy, then, is that image. Later, when you’re with your spouse, it can be difficult to become aroused without dredging up those pictures, even if you saw them decades ago. That’s what porn does to you–it separates your sexual pleasure from your spouse, and causes you to disengage.


Playboy started that process of widespread sexual disengagement, because Playboy made porn acceptable

Certainly Playboy is not the main way that people see porn now. But Playboy largely started the porn culture. Before Playboy, the people who looked at porn were largely perverts. It was something done in secret, and certainly not talked about in polite company. But Hugh Hefner made porn “cool”. He put long exposes in his magazines, so much so that there was even a Braille edition of Playboy. People could jokingly say they read Playboy for the articles!


And he was a “gentleman”. He dressed in a suit. He invited people to parties. He made porn high class.


You didn’t need to feel ashamed anymore. Playboy was just what men did.




Hugh Hefner made porn seem cool and sophisticated--and so he started the enslavement of millions.Click To Tweet
Soon Playboy wasn’t enough–and people needed more hard core porn

But we know what happened, don’t we? Playboy became too tame. That’s what porn addictions do. You no longer get a high from just looking at these women, so you need something “more” and something different. More magazines were started, with more hard core porn. When the internet came along, all boundaries were broken, and you could find anything.


It was Playboy that first knocked those doors down, and said, “Hey, it’s normal for guys to want to look at women! It’s healthy even! Let’s celebrate it!” And then the Pandora’s box was opened.


Hugh Hefner also made objectification of women cool

Just as women in the wider society were arguing that they needed to be taken seriously for their brains and more than their bodies, Hugh Hefner made the opposite seem reasonable. He was in this rich mansion. He was wining and dining the elite of society. His parties were always talked about. He always wore good suits. He was almost like James Bond, for pete’s sake! And so he was the elite, and his parties were where the movers and shakers of the world were invited.


Yet while his parties had all these brilliant, successful men, what kind of women did they have? They had “bunnies”. Young women, who all looked pretty much the same, who were there solely because of their bodies. And they were so dehumanized that they even wore bunny ears.


It wasn’t about what was between those ears that was important, after all. It was what was between something else.


Think about the significance of a “Playboy Bunny”


Hugh Hefner saw women as 'Bunnies'--cute little decorative things that didn't talk. Click To Tweet

She’s something cute to look at. She’s something to entertain. But bunnies don’t speak. Bunnies aren’t smart. Bunnies aren’t old, either. They’re all young, and they’re there for entertainment purposes.


That’s how he saw women. Even when he married, he married women far younger than him, because all that really mattered when it came to women was what they looked like. After all, if you wanted to have an important conversation–well, that’s what men were for. But women were only for one thing. And it became cool again to think of women that way. Women even aspired to be Playboy bunnies, because they seemed so popular, so revered. But what they were revered for was not who they actually were. It was only what they looked like.  And the less they talked, the better.


Hefner’s real influence was to demolish the idea that men and women could achieve real intimacy and pleasure through a healthy joining of equals.


Hugh Hefner's real legacy was demolishing the idea of sexual pleasure being about equals. Click To Tweet

Hefner made it cool to talk about sex. Hefner made it cool to think about sex and joke about sex. It was no longer a pervert’s thing anymore.


But Hefner’s view of sex was of powerful men using young, pretty things. “Sexy” wasn’t being in love with someone who could challenge you, and who could talk to you, and who would be with you your whole life. Sexy was someone of a certain body type, who was there to fawn all over you.


The Good Girls Guide to Great SexEven think of all the pictures of Hugh Hefner you’ve ever seen in your life. Is there one woman hanging off of him, or multiple women? I usually remember multiple women, many with bunny ears, all kissing him. It wasn’t enough to just have one woman, you see. The more the merrier!


Hefner never understood that the best sex actually is between two people who are committed to each other, and who have been married for many years (In the research I did for The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, the best sex in marriage is years 16-24. It gets better the longer we’re together!). It’s not about the super young girls. It’s about a relationship of real intimacy. But he didn’t know that, because he never had that.



What’s in the Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex?
The Good Girls Guide to Great Sex Billions of people have had sex.

I don’t know how many have really made love.


And in The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex–I teach you how to do exactly that. I show how God intended sex to be intimate in three ways: spiritually, emotionally, AND physically. And I show you how to get there, too!


If you’ve struggled with figuring out what all the fuss is about, or you feel held back in marriage because you just can’t embrace your sexual side, then check out The Good Girl’s Guide!


You were meant for more.



And he encouraged other people to see sex the way he did: It’s all about men feeling important, and women being used. It’s all about the body, and not about the heart or the mind. It’s all about getting what I want, not creating a relationship.


What a terrible, terrible legacy. Apart from war, I can’t think of much worse. And so I do not mourn Hugh Hefner. And I pray that one day people will see his legacy for what it is: a cruel thing built on sand, which has wrecked so many people’s abilities to experience real intimacy.


And maybe, just maybe, if we talk enough about the mistakes that he made, we’ll point people back to what real sex, and real intimacy, is.


The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex Good Girls Ad Graphic min - On Hugh Hefner's Death--Terrible Legacy Marriage isn't supposed to be blah!

Sex is supposed to be stupendous--physically, emotionally, AND spiritually. If it's not, get The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex--and find out what you've been missing.


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Published on September 29, 2017 05:00

September 28, 2017

The Tale of the Most Viral Thing to Ever Happen on this Blog

The biggest thing to ever happen on this blog wasn’t even written by me.

I want to tell you a bit of a story today, and it all starts in the winter of 2014.


I  had written a series of posts about parenting, talking about how to help kids make good decisions when dating, and talking about how the purpose of parenting is not to catch them when they fall, but to certainly be there if they do, while expecting that they will soar instead. Expectations matter.


Many commenters didn’t agree.

I had comment after comment saying things like,


You can do all the right things when you’re parenting, and kids will still go off the rails. Kids rebel. That’s what they do. And we shouldn’t shame parents when kids make bad decisions.


Now, I’m totally on board with the last part of that comment. We absolutely should not shame parents when kids make bad decisions, because we all have free will. After all, in the story of the Prodigal Son in the Bible, the youngest son goes totally off the rails, but in that story, the father stands in for God. I think God is a pretty good father–and if He can have a child who rebels, then it certainly doesn’t reflect badly on him. That was the child’s choice. And the same goes for us. Children can make bad decisions, all on their own.


But here’s the thing: just because there is no guarantee that a child will choose well does not mean that we should throw in the towel and say, “there’s no point in even trying!” Just because we all know that one 35-year-old vegan who jogs every day who got lung cancer does not mean that we should all take up smoking. Just because we all know that one super safe driver who died in a car accident anyway does not mean that we should all stop wearing our seat belts.


There are things that we can do to make rebellion less likely, even if there are never any guarantees (and there certainly aren’t any guarantees!)

So I was debating this in the comments and getting a little bit fed up. So I thought to myself,


I wonder if they would listen to a teen instead of to me?


I asked my daughter Rebecca if she would write me a post on why she didn’t rebel.


Rebecca said no. She didn’t feel like it. She was busy. She was at university doing her own thing.


One day I’m sitting at home, working on my blog, when I get an email from Rebecca with an attachment. The email says, “So I was bored out of my mind in stats class today, and I was trying to stay awake, so I wrote you that article you wanted.”


She wrote it in 20 minutes. I slapped a picture up on it and put it on the blog the next week. And her post Why I Didn’t Rebel was read over 250,000 times in the next week. It was seen on Facebook over 1,000,000 times. If you were on Pinterest for the next year, you likely saw her face:


Why I Didn't Rebel Post


I’ve changed the graphic since; I needed to switch it up a little. But that post went huge.


Over the next two years I encouraged her to turn it into a book proposal. We went back and forth on that; I likely pushed a little too hard. In the middle of it all she got married, and that pushed things back a bit. But the book proposal was finally done, and there were actually multiple offers. She accepted Thomas Nelson, and wrote a great book that will be out October 3.


She’ll be telling you all a bit about it next week, but I want to share my heart for it, because I see it a little differently, as a mom. I still see it as that frustrated blogger, listening to all these comments from parents saying, “there’s nothing you can do!”, and wanting desperately to help parents see that, yes, there is a lot that you can do. There’s nothing you can do that will guarantee anything, but there’s a lot that you can do to develop a great, authentic relationship with your child.


You see, I did a ton wrong when raising my kids.

And if you get the book, you’ll read about some of my mistakes! I asked Rebecca to put them in there. Both Keith and I yelled too much at the girls. We’re both very loud and emotional people, and too often that takes over. Rebecca struggles with anxiety and being a Type A personality, so much so that when she gets stressed she sometimes gets paralyzed and shuts down. And I didn’t handle that well when she was a teen. I regret that now; I wish I had seen that this was a bigger issue than I thought at the time, and I wish I had taught her better coping mechanisms.


I certainly failed when I told them about puberty, as we have laughed about on this blog over the last few weeks.


But here’s the cool thing: When you allow kids to speak the truth, then your mistakes as a parent don’t need to end up hurting the relationship.

One of the best gifts you can give your child is the ability to speak truth. When you can say to a child, “I really messed up there, and I’m sorry,” then they’re allowed to think, “Mom isn’t perfect.”


When kids aren’t allowed to say that you ever do anything wrong, though, it creates a distance. If kids can’t speak the truth, but can only speak what’s on the surface, then they’re going to stop talking to you about important things–even those things that have very little to do with you.


If you want kids to come to you with the important things in their lives, then you have to allow them to speak about the important things in your relationship–including your failures.


That doesn’t mean that they disrespect you, and it doesn’t mean that they’re on par with you. It simply means that you all recognize together that we are all under Christ, and God is the only perfect one. Together, we figure out what it means to worship Him and follow Him, and together we hold each other accountable.


Rebecca ended up interviewing a whole bunch of other millennials to find out what the key factors were among kids who rebelled and kids who didn’t.


You’ll hear about some of them next week–fear based parenting vs. faith based parenting; expecting the best vs. expecting the worst; giving reasons rather than rules; fostering open communication. And there’s a lot about how we do church, too. It needs to be about God, not our church; and family and church need to be a team, not a club (that’s an important distinction that’s one of my favourite insights that Rebecca had!)


But what it all comes down to is simply an authentic relationship, where kids know they are valued and loved, but they also know that truth is allowed to be spoken.


It’s funny, but over the last few years as I’ve gotten more into blogging, I’ve seen the similarities between families that work well and churches that work well.

I’ve seen a lot of church denominations fall apart over scandals and over abuse within the ranks. Like Ashley Easter posted about on Tuesday, there is far too much abuse in many churches because certain churches create that kind of an environment–where truth can’t be spoken, because certain people have all the power. And as Justin spoke about yesterday when he was talking about diving headfirst into the courtship movement as a teen, that didn’t work either, because it was based on a one-size-fits-all rules approach, rather than simply listening to Jesus.


Here’s the key thing: God does not work by formula. He works through relationship.

There is no Formula for Raising Great Kids: It's all about Authenticity!


In the family, that means that God may want something different for one child than another. So if we try to make everyone in the family operate in exactly the same way, we’ll end up squashing what the Holy Spirit is doing. We have to seek God’s will for each of our children, and we have to get to know each of our children intimately, so that we can see how best to guide them.


In the church setting, that means being open to the fact that God may speak to different people, and so we shouldn’t silence some or consolidate absolute power among a few people who aren’t accountable. We should be open to different people’s experiences and gifts, because that is the whole point in being a body–that we need each other. We don’t just need the head. Too many churches are set up so that the leadership is all that matters, and that’s when abuse often flourishes.


We all want God to work by formula because then there wouldn’t be any doubts. If we just do X, Y, And Z, good things will happen! And many churches present faith that way.


But God doesn’t work by formula, because if the formula worked, then we wouldn’t need God.


God doesn't work by formula, because if the formula worked, then we wouldn't need God.Click To Tweet

If God worked by formula, then we wouldn't need God. It's about relationship!


Healthy families don’t tend to have formulas; they tend to have relationship. Families where kids rebel often think that their kids are rebelling against God, when what they’re often rebelling against is the formula itself.


Look, I wish there were a guarantee, but there isn’t, in either direction. There is no guarantee that a child won’t rebel, but there’s also no guarantee that they will. But I think what there can be as a guarantee that no matter what happens, your child will be able to speak with you and feel that they are valued. And then, even if they do rebel, they’re more likely to come home one day.


So that’s where we’re coming from. It’s about authenticity, not formula, in everything–in church, in family, in marriage. That’s what makes us need to go running to God!




There are never guarantees that kids won't rebel. But formulas push kids away; authenticity pulls them closer.Click To Tweet
I still don’t totally understand why Rebecca’s post blew up so much.

What she said was interesting, yes, but lots that has been said on this blog is interesting (if I do say so myself). The only real explanation I can give is that parents are desperate for something different–something that doesn’t point to a formula that makes us feel inadequate, but instead just says, “If you love your child and get to know your child and are authentic, that’s enough.”


As a mom, obviously I’m proud of her. But I’m even more excited that I have a resource to point to when people ask me about parenting now, because this is too important to get wrong.


The first chapter of her book is really fun. It’s a romp through our family’s life as she was growing up, with lots of stories of how she became who she is today–without rebelling. But one of the big points she’s making is that, to many outside, it may have looked like she was rebelling. She was moody. She rebelled against church leaders that she felt were doing things wrong. She stood up to authority. But she always, always followed God.


You can read that first chapter for free here. 



Read the first chapter of 'Why I Didn't Rebel' for free right here!Click To TweetAnd then, remember that if you order the book during the launch period (That’s right now!), you’ll also get three bonuses: A Q&A where Rebecca and I both answer questions sent in to the Facebook Page; a discussion guide; and an action plan to put it all into practice.

Why I Didn't Rebel Bonuses


Order the book (and get your bonuses) here!

And maybe one day I’ll write something as viral as she did….

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Published on September 28, 2017 05:53

September 27, 2017

The Most Important Way to Prepare Kids for Romantic Relationships

How do you prepare your kids to have healthy marriages and make good decisions while dating?

Why I Didn't Rebel: A Twenty-Two-Year-Old Explains Why She Stayed on the Straight and Narrow---and How Your Kids Can TooLet’s face it: that’s probably one of the biggest questions parents of teens face. And it’s one that my daughter Rebecca was looking at when she wrote her book Why I Didn’t Rebel, that launches next week. She interviewed dozens of millennials to find out why they did–or didn’t–rebel, and what helps people make good choices.


And what she found was that a lot of the advice we’ve been hearing isn’t right.



Did you know you can get a ton of bonuses by ordering Why I Didn't Rebel early?
Why I Didn't Rebel: A Twenty-Two-Year-Old Explains Why She Stayed on the Straight and Narrow---and How Your Kids Can Too Why I Didn’t Rebel is a great book. Seriously.

Rebecca talks about what Keith and I did right–and what we did wrong. But more importantly she talks about how authenticity and relationship, in the end, matter more than rules. And she talks about how we should expect our teens to make good decisions, rather than coddling them and expecting them not to be capable of it.


When you order the book now, you’ll also get three FREE bonuses: a Q&A chapter written by both Rebecca and me; a discussion guide; and an action plan to put it into practice in your own home.


Check it out here!



I think we, as adults, need to start listening to millennials, because they have a lot to tell us. And they’re wiser than we often give them credit for. So when Justin Megna wrote to me with an idea for a blog post, I got so excited, because he was summing up Rebecca’s book beautifully! So I thought it would be a great introduction to what she has to say.


So here’s Justin, talking about what parents really need to do about teenage dating:

How to Prepare Your Kids for Healthy Romantic Relationships: There's really only one way. And it's not about rules.


My mother wanted something better for us.

When she was a teenager, the only instruction her parents gave her about romantic relationships was “don’t get pregnant.” Other than that, she was left on her own to figure out how to navigate the complex terrain of romantic relationships and sexuality. So by the time my siblings and I were approaching our teenage years, she knew she wanted to give us better instruction that was in keeping with Christian principles.


The problem was she didn’t know how. It’s a common human struggle to figure out how to give your children the good parenting that your parents didn’t give you. So my mother looked to Christian instructors to help cover what lacked in her own experience. In the late 90s and early 00s, my mother purchased several books by Christian authors aimed at teaching young Christians how to navigate the realms of romance and sexuality in godly ways, adding them to our home bookshelves.


My siblings and I were avid readers. It was natural for us to casually scan the bookshelves in our home, looking for a new title to enjoy. That was how at age thirteen I began reading books that introduced me to the ideology of Courtship. Throughout the 90s and 00s, the Courtship Movement drew many adherents throughout the Christian world. Courtship ideology claimed it was right to reject the secular dating system altogether and pursue romantic relationships through the allegedly more godly system of Courtship. Courtship teaches young people to reject worldly patterns of dating and instead seek God, trusting Him to unite them with a divinely chosen spouse. The effect of reading several pro-Courtship books as a teenager was that, by the time I finished high school, I was committed to refusing to date while I waited for God to bring my future wife to me and planned to pursue her through Courtship. What neither my mother nor I could have known was that the effect would not be a good one.


To make a very long story short, an exceedingly painful college experience woke me up to the fact that the Courtship and “let God bring you to your spouse” ideologies are both biblically and conceptually flawed.

But that’s another blog post. It would take me years to recover from the fallout of those false doctrines. I would go on to learn that my experience wasn’t uncommon. Many Christian young people were harmed by the flawed doctrines of the Courtship Movement and its sister movement, the Purity Movement.


The sobering realization is that these ideologies were taught to them by well-meaning Christian parents, clergy, and teachers. If these ideologies, which first seemed to be so godly and sound, actually fall short of the mark of guiding young Christians in godliness, what can we teach our children that will be successful in guiding them in godly ways of romance and sexuality?




Looking for the Magic Formula to Raise Kids to Date Wisely? There's only one way & it's not rulesClick To Tweet
The Heart Of Godly Relationships

I could speak for hours on the details of how the Courtship and Purity Movements went wrong, but all the errors trace back to a common root. A subconscious assumption in the Courtship and Purity Movements was that if parents and clergy implemented systems that reinforced godly behavior in young Christians, then godly behavior would be produced within young Christians. The error was in not realizing that godly behavior is produced within the heart, not from external influences. External influences can create a semblance of godly behavior within the life of a young person, but if his or her heart hasn’t truly been formed in godliness, the facade will fall once he or she grows up and makes independent choices apart from the external influences. In various stories, I’ve observed this pattern repeatedly occurring.


So how does a person become one who is formed in godliness from the heart? There is only one answer: by being a disciple of Jesus Christ.


How to Prepare Your Kids for Healthy Marriage: There's really only one way. And it's not rules.Click To Tweet

Discipleship is the daily practice of becoming and being like Jesus. It is the practice of living holistically as a follower of Jesus. Through this process, God sanctifies and purifies our hearts, conforming us into the image of Christ. The effect is that our hearts are formed more and more in godliness in every arena of life, including romance and sexuality. There’s no system that can be implemented that can create the same effect as a decision from the heart to follow Jesus holistically. This is why if Christian parents want their kids to practice godliness in romance and sexuality, parents must actually address the deeper determining factor: the discipleship of their children in Christ. This is why the most important way Christian parents can prepare their kids to have godly romantic relationships is by teaching their kids to be disciples of Jesus Christ.


How To Raise Disciples

However, there’s one significant reality of being a disciple of Jesus: a person must choose to pursue a life of discipleship. Whether you’re a staunch Calvinist, a staunch Arminianist, or anywhere in between, you have no guarantee that your kids will choose to follow Jesus even if you teach them to do so. But what can we do that will most incline our kids to choose for themselves to follow Jesus?


In my college ministry studies, I did a presentation on the works of one children’s pastor who researched what most predicts whether Christian children will retain the faith of their parents. Please forgive me for not being able to cite this pastor or his book since I haven’t been able to remember that information or recover the presentation document. What has remained in my memory is the conclusion the pastor came to in his research: the greatest predictor of whether a Christian child will retain his or her childhood faith into adulthood is whether or not the child had the opportunity to live out the Christian faith with his or her parents. In other words, kids don’t tend to retain the Christian faith they are TAUGHT but the faith they are SHOWN.




Kids don't tend to retain the Christian faith they are TAUGHT but the faith they are SHOWN.Click To Tweet

The most lasting impact isn’t made when Christian parents tell their kids to be generous. It’s when parents live out that generosity by taking their children to help the elderly neighbor down the street. It’s not when parents tell their children to be forgiving. It’s when kids see their parents forgive when wronged by others. It’s not when parents say practicing godliness in romance is important. It’s when kids see their parents practicing godliness in their own marriages. It’s not when parents tell their kids to follow Jesus. It’s when parents live as holistic followers of Jesus and invite their kids to join them in that way of life.


Teaching your kids to be disciples of Jesus starts with you being a disciple of Jesus who models the life of the disciple for them.

This is something that can begin even before your kids are born since it begins with you. Laying the foundation of modeling the life of a disciple throughout childhood is the best way to prepare your children to choose to be disciples themselves once they’re old enough to do so. Laying that foundation of holistic discipleship throughout childhood also makes it natural to carry the conversation of what it means to follow Jesus into the arenas of romance and sexuality when the time comes.


So if you want to prepare your kids for godly romance and sexuality, I believe the best you can do for your kids is the following:
Be a disciple of Jesus who holistically follows Him in every dimension of life. (You don’t have to be perfect. No disciple is. Model how to follow Jesus even after messing up.)
Invite your children to accompany you as you live out the realities of following Jesus. In the teachable moments, explain to them why you do what you do as a follower of Jesus.
At an appropriate age, talk with your kids about what it means for them to choose to follow Jesus and encourage them to choose and live out that way of life.
When the time comes, have a continuing conversation about what it looks like to follow Jesus in romance and sexuality.

I admit that what these four points outline isn’t easy to do. It’s not a system but a way of life that spans years and requires deep dedication. But that’s what the Christian life is. And for us and our kids, the effort is worth it.



Justin Megna - The Most Important Way to Prepare Kids for Romantic Relationships Justin Megna is the creator of That Crazy Christian Romance, a blog dedicated to sharing biblical wisdom for romance with Christian young people.

Check out his free download, Christian Love Life Essentials Checklist!


He completed a BA in Pastoral Ministry at University of Valley Forge. People say he’s tall.


Thanks so much, Justin! This was a great post, and such a great introduction to the book Why I Didn’t Rebel. Authenticity and true faith matters. And that means that we have to have the faith ourselves to step back and let our kids practice their faith, rather than trying to micromanage it for them. It’s hard. It’s scary. But that’s what being a Christian parent is.


And if this resonated with you, check out Why I Didn’t Rebel and get those pre-order bonuses! The book starts shipping October 3, and you can get your bonuses now!


 


Why I Didn't Rebel Bonuses


What do you think? What’s the key to raising kids to make good decisions? Let’s talk in the comments!

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Published on September 27, 2017 05:38

September 26, 2017

Abuse in the Church is a Double Whammy. Let’s Do Something About it!

There is very little abuse in the church.

Hold on a second, I’m sure you’re all saying. Of course there is!


But, no, I would argue. There isn’t. Because the true church is the body of Christ–a place where those who follow Jesus meet together and support one another and reach out with God’s love to the world.


We tend to think of church buildings as being the church. But that’s not the church. And in church buildings, and congregations, there is far too much abuse.


That happens because many church congregations create . That doesn’t mean that there is anything wrong with Jesus or with God or with Christianity itself. I think it means that there is a lot wrong with the way that we often do “church”. And all too often many church congregations have been more interested in keeping the congregation together than in truly functioning as the body of Christ, drawing boundaries, and saying, “That will not be tolerated here.”


And when that happens, that is worse than when abuse happens in the completely secular world, because, even though I don’t believe those people are Christians, they do represent Christianity to all too many people.


So we must get real about what is happening in our church culture and do something about it.

Some may say that I’m wrong to draw attention to this. It just gives fodder to those who are out to bash Christianity! I disagree. I think those who harm Christianity are those who don’t confront this head on and stand up and say, “we will no longer tolerate abuse, and nor will we tolerate the cultures that allow it to flourish.” Until we deal with abuse, we will continue to give Jesus a bad name–because we will continue to harm those that are closest to His heart (children).


Close family members of mine go to a church where a scandal about child prostitution hit the news recently. It was loosely connected to someone on staff. And the church handled it beautifully. They were upfront. They didn’t hide anything. They took immediate action. They did press interviews. And in the end, the gospel was spread, not squelched. That was an example of a church valuing its people above its reputation–and in the end, its reputation ended up stronger for it anyway. When churches are open and take a strong stand, then abuse can’t flourish, but the gospel can.


Someone who is adamant about this and about restoring Jesus’ love to all is Ashley Easter.

She’s been vocal about her abuse in her conservative “Christian” church family, but she doesn’t want to dwell on the past. She wants to move forward, and help others find the courage to call out this behaviour and put a stop to it in the name of Jesus. I’m inviting Ashley to share about a really important conference she’s hosting next month, because I know that at least a few of my readers need to be there. Seriously, I can feel that. And God may be pointing you to join Ashley. So, please, listen to her:


Healing from Sexual Abuse in the Church: The Courage Conference


I grew up as a “good church girl”.

I went to church Sunday morning, Sunday night, Wednesday night, and just about any other time the doors were open. I wore my skirts to the knee or below and covered any hint of cleavage, so as not to “tempt” men into lusting after me. I took messages about sexual purity to heart and worked hard to keep myself from immorality or even the appearance of it. I didn’t go to wild parties or take chances with strangers. The only men I spent any time around were “good church people” too.


And yet, I experienced multiple forms of abuse in my Christian circle.


And sadly, I often felt the opposite of supported by my faith community.

In my journey to healing I found the statistics that at least 1 in 3 women and 1 in 6 men will experience abuse in their lifetime. From 2011-2015 the number one reason churches found themselves in court was because of child sexual abuse.


But it was when I began to connect with other survivors that I realized the full impact of the abuse in our faith communities and the rampant coverups in many churches. Many of the survivors I’ve met had experienced abuse in the Church, along with insensitive or neglectful interactions with church leaders. In nearly every instance, these men and women said they still loved Jesus, but they don’t feel safe in a church setting.


Because I love the Church, and because I love fellow survivors and Church leaders, (though I’m going to be honest… church leaders still make me nervous,) I decided to host an event that I call The Courage Conference.


Healing from Sexual Abuse in the Church


The Courage Conference is a non-denominational event that will offer a judgement-free place for survivors of abuse (and those who love them) to gather and hear inspiring stories from other survivors about moving forward in boldness and healing. The event will also educate pastors and church leaders on the topic of abuse and introduce them to safe practices and resources for their faith community. The Courage Conference offers a unique opportunity to hear from advocates and trained professionals through inspiring keynotes talks, Q&A sessions and workshops in addition to connecting attendees with local and national resources, so they don’t have to do this alone.



The Courage Promo (2017 Raleigh) from Ashley Easter on Vimeo.


There will be a diverse group in attendance. Most come from a church background or have experienced or witnessed abuse in church contexts. The Courage Conference draws in conservative Christians, progressive Christians, and those who no longer feel safe in institutional church settings.


The Courage Conference is for survivors of abuse and those who love them, victim advocates, church leaders, and more. In coming to the event you don’t know who is there as a survivor and who is there as a supporter but you do know that everyone in this safe space cares about this important issue.


You can join us watching LIVE online or in Raleigh, NC on October 20-21, 2017.


Be prepared for inspiring talks by survivors, advocates, and professionals in our keynote sessions and workshops. And get ready to be equipped to further your healing journey or learn how to support your faith community as you are introduced to hand selected local and national resources! Find out exactly what to expect in this detailed overview of the event.


If you or a loved one has experienced abuse or if you want to learn better how to support victims of abuse you don’t want to miss this event!

We have kept ticket prices intentionally low and offer free scholarships to survivors who cannot afford the cost because we believe that money should not keep anyone from experiencing this healing event.


You can learn more about our speaker line up, tickets and other details by visiting: www.TheCourageConference.com


I look forward to seeing you there!


P.s. Because we give out so many scholarships we are still working to fully fund The Courage Conference. We need to raise $7,000 before October 10th. Can you help us? We really don’t know how we are going to reach our financial goal without your support. You can find secure tax deductible giving details under the donation section here.



Ashley Easter Ashley Easter writes, blogs, speaks, and advocates for abuse victims. She founded The Courage Conference, an event that empowers survivors of abuse to fight for their healing while also educating church leaders on prevention and proper response to abuse. Ashley promotes truth telling, advocates for gender equality, and educates churches on abuse. You can find her at Ashley Easter or The Courage Conference.  Find her on Twitter and Facebook

I’m so glad Ashley has put this conference together. If you feel God nudging you that this is something you should attend, please listen to that nudging! I believe that God is doing a real stirring in His church right now to confront these issues head on, bring healing, and create a culture where abuse can no longer flourish in the darkness. It could be that God wants to use you in this fight! So pray about it, and then contact Ashley if you think God is pointing you in that direction!





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Published on September 26, 2017 05:46

September 25, 2017

How to Stop Feeling Guilty All the Time–and Get Your Life Back

Do you struggle with guilt because you’re not doing enough? People are upset at you? You should be a better friend?

I certainly do. And last night I had a bit of a breakthrough as to the root of the problem. It all started with a bit of a journey I took on the internet, and it’s a little bit “stream of consciousness”. But I think it’s important, so I’d like to invite you on this journey with me as I try to explain!


How to Stop Feeling so Guilty: Christian Women often feel like we never do enough and we're not nice enough. Here's where we go wrong--and how to see things more clearly!


It started with Jane. Jane is a pseudonym for a woman who was drugged and raped while a student at Master’s University. She was held captive for several days, and when she came to, she went immediately to the police and did a rape kit. She also told the school, expecting them to help counsel her. Instead, they brought the rapist in, demanded she forgive him, and demanded that she drop the charges. Eventually they kicked her out of the school when she wouldn’t comply.


She shared her story last week and it blew up the internet. She has also shared the police report and corroborating evidence, since she’s being accused of lying. (For the record, I believe Jane, and yes, Jane, I see you.) As I was reading this, though, I followed a link to another article explaining the difference between the Jewish and Christian versions of forgiveness.


In Judaism, if a person has wronged someone else, they must seek forgiveness from that person. Christianity, on the other hand, tends to stress forgiveness from God rather than forgiveness from others. The writer explains:


In evangelical Christianity, the dynamic is all different. In this situation, Jane’s rapist presumably already confessed his sin to God, and gained forgiveness through Jesus’ sacrifice. So when Jane walked into the room, her rapist was already forgiven. And if Jane refused to forgive him too, if she continued to make an issue out of what had happened, she would become the problem. She would be walking in sin. After all, once God has forgiven someone for a sin, it’s over, and it would be wrong for another Christian to continue making an issue of it.


I’m reading this and I’m thinking to myself, “Isn’t that terrible what they did to Jane? Isn’t it terrible that they expected her to ‘forgive’ him just because he said sorry, even if there was no acknowledgment of the depth of what he did to her, no evidence of changed behaviour? Isn’t it awful that they expected it to be swept under the rug?”


I could see, looking at this situation, that when Jesus said in Matthew 6:15:


But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.


He did not mean it as a get-out-of-jail free card to rapists. He did not mean that they could just say sorry and everything would be okay. That doesn’t connect with the God I know. I think God meant that we aren’t to hold bitterness, and we are to let go of vengeance and trust God with the situation. 


But–and here’s where important insight #1 comes in–it does not mean that we can’t or shouldn’t allow their behaviour to affect our behaviour.


You can forgive someone without having to reconcile to them. Reconciliation requires true repentance on another person’s part. Forgiveness does not.

Now, both youngest daughter (or Thing 2 as I like to call her) and I have been dealing with similar situations in our personal lives. We live with perpetual guilt because we should have phoned this person. We should have returned that message. We should have answered that text. We should have reached out to her this week. We should have been a better friend.


And as I thought about how ridiculous the way we treat forgiveness often is, it hit me:


At heart, I believe that my emotions aren’t supposed to matter. At heart, I believe that discernment must be unChristian.


Do you believe that your emotions shouldn't matter if you're a Christian? Why that's wrong:Click To Tweet

You see, if we’re supposed to reconcile with everyone who apologizes, and act like nothing ever happened, then we are supposed to ignore our own feelings. Now, I could take a step back and look at Jane’s situation and say, “that’s obviously not what Christ meant.”


But then I said to myself, “But Sheila, you tell yourself to ignore your own emotions all the time.”


It may not be about forgiveness or sin per se. But I’m constantly telling myself to ignore how I feel and to be loving anyway.


I live by two verses: In Luke 9:23, Jesus says:


Then he said to them all: “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me.”


And in John 3:30, John the Baptist says of Jesus:


He must increase, but I must decrease.


I must decrease. I must deny myself. Therefore, what I want shouldn’t matter. What matters is whether or not I am loving those around me, right? That’s the Christian thing to do, right?




Why do so many Christian women feel guilty all the time? We think others matter more than we do.Click To Tweet
What ends up happening, though, is that I find I can’t love everybody around me.

Some people are difficult. Some people hurt me in little ways, or some people I find more annoying than others. But they want things from me. They ask favours. And I should grant them, right? I should be loving, shouldn’t I?


Take one tiny example. Sometimes I’ll get an email asking something of me. I won’t want to do it, but I won’t want to answer the email and say that, either, because I should be helping people. I mean, sure I work all day, but at night I like to watch Netflix for a bit and knit. If I have time to watch Netflix for a bit and knit, then surely I could help this person, right?


So I feel guilty. And the email sits there. And sits there. And sits there. Until, 6 months later, it’s really too late to help the person anyway. So I can happily delete it, because, “Well, I guess there’s nothing I could do about it now!”


But I spent 6 months staring at that email, feeling guilty, before I deleted it.


Instead, I could have owned my choice from the beginning.

I could have said, “I have a lot to do and this person just isn’t a priority right now. So I’m going to say a polite no.”




How to come to the place where you can own your decisions--and say 'no' confidently: Click To Tweet

That’s what boundaries are, and I do believe in boundaries. I even told Thing 2 yesterday afternoon, before I had some insights, that she should choose one thing to say yes to every week–one person to help and to pour out to, and then instead of asking whether she should say no to everyone else, she can say, “I am a kind person. I have helped. But I can’t help everybody, so now I have the freedom to say no to others.”


I do believe that. But I also know how hard it is for me. And I’ve realized the reason that it’s hard is because I don’t feel like I have a right to say, “Some people bother me,” or “I would prefer not to spend time with this person.” I feel as if what I think shouldn’t matter, because I am to deny myself, right?


As I’m mulling this over, though, something hit me. I’m ignoring half of those verses. Take a look at them again:


He must increase; I must decrease.


Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me.


Do you see what I was missing? I believe in the deny myself part of the verse. I believe in the “I must decrease” part of the verse. I tell myself that my feelings don’t matter; that I need to soldier on; that I should be pouring myself out.


But Jesus doesn’t say that. Jesus doesn’t simply say that we must decrease. We decrease so that He increases. It’s about Him.

I live my life thinking that the way to live the Christian life is to love absolutely everybody else and do things for everybody else and not let the fact that certain people are toxic hurt me, because the badge of honour of a Christian is that nothing ever gets to me. I’m above it, because I’m in Christ.


But if I do that, then what I’m saying is that the definition of a Christian is that what everybody else wants matters far more than what I want.


That’s not Christianity.


Christianity says that what God wants matters.


I live as if the Lord’s prayer says:


Thy kingdom come, everybody else’s will be done…


But that’s not what Jesus says. Jesus says,


They kingdom come, Thy will be done.


Do you see the significance of that? Christ does not want us pouring our lives out for everybody else. Christ wants us pouring our lives out for Him.

And Jesus knows I can’t do everything. Jesus knows that some people sap my energy more than others. Jesus knows that I am called to certain specific things, and if I do others they will take me away from my central calling.


So what’s the answer? Stay in very close communion with Christ so that you can hear when He is asking you to give someone else a hand. Talk to Him constantly so you can start to hear His voice saying, “Say yes to that request. I have a plan for that…” But then know that if you don’t hear that voice, and you feel like, “that’s not something I can take on right now,” you can say no.


Too often we think that the Christian life is about emptying ourselves of everything. But we forget the second step: so that we can fill us up with Christ. That’s what makes the difference. That’s what ends the guilt.


You do not have to please everyone. You only have to please God. And you do that by listening to Him and by following Him, not by allowing everyone else in the world to set your agenda.

That’s the weird emotional journey I was on last night, but I feel very free right now. I thought it may help some of you, too.




Christians don't just deny ourselves. We follow Him. Denying ourselves alone messes us up.Click To Tweet

So let me know in the comments: Do you struggle with feeling as if your feelings ultimately shouldn’t matter? Do you struggle with guilt? Do you think this way of looking at it can help? Let’s talk!






 

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Published on September 25, 2017 05:35

September 22, 2017

My Baby Has a Baby (Sort Of!)

Three years ago, my daughter Rebecca, then 19, wrote a post for me called Why I Didn’t Rebel.

Chances are, if you’ve been reading me for a while, you’ve read it. In fact, chances are that’s how you found me in the first place, because in the few months that followed that post, it was read a million times. It went bigger than anything I’ve ever written (before or after). And she wrote it in 20 minutes when she was bored.


It all started because I kept finding that every time I would write about parenting, especially parenting teens, the comments section would fill up with people saying, “that’s all fine and good, but no matter what you do as a parent, kids are still going to rebel and act out, and all we can do is catch them.”


I thought that was very defeatist. Obviously there are NEVER guarantees that a child won’t rebel, but there are certainly things you can do to make it less likely. Any of us can get lung cancer, after all, but that doesn’t mean that we should all just give up and start smoking.


So I asked Rebecca to write about why she thought she didn’t rebel.


She did. It went huge. And then she decided to turn it into a book. There was a bidding war with different publishers, and Thomas Nelson finally put it out.


The book launches October 3!



(That’s her voice, too. Still kinda weird to hear it like that!)


I ordered a bunch of books, and mine arrived before hers did, so I actually sold some when I spoke this week before she even got her hands on one!


Our friend Audreanna with one of the first copies sold!


This really is an amazing book. It fits in with the theme of what I’ve been saying in this blog, over and over again: Life needs to be about Jesus, not about outward appearances of rules. And relationship matters more than anything else when it comes to parenting. Start with relationship and communication, and everything else will flow from there.


That’s what it’s about in marriage, too. That’s what it’s about in every relationship, because that’s the way that God made us. And yet somehow, when it comes to parenting, we too often forget that our children are real people, first and foremost, and not just extensions of ourselves. And we forget that we need to talk with them, not just at them.


This stuff matters.


Thomas Nelson has a whole bunch of goodies that you can get for free if you pre-order the book now, during the launch period! Rebecca and I wrote a bonus chapter where we answered some questions asked on my Facebook Page. There’s a discussion guide to help take you through the book. And there’s an action plan to help you put it into practice, little by little, and start seeing your relationships transformed.


Find out more here!


Why I Didn't Rebel Bonuses


This is just such an exciting time in our family! Our youngest daughter is getting married, and my oldest daughter has a baby (sort of!). It was a real labour of love, and I’m hoping that the word starts getting out there about this book. Her insights into how a family needs to be a team, rather than a club, is really brilliant, and I’ve asked her to talk about that particularly next week.


In the meantime, Rebecca, Katie and I are launching our first mother-daughter event tomorrow night in our hometown, so we’re busy finalizing that talk. It’s busy around here!


We do have a crisis with millennials. They are leaving the church in record numbers. They don’t stay engaged with faith. And what Rebecca found is that a lot of that may be because many Christian parenting trends we hear about and believe in actually can turn kids away from Jesus. That’s scary. We need to confront this head on, because our kids matter.


And they don’t need to rebel.


If you pre-order Why I Didn’t Rebel, you can submit your receipt to get your free bonuses! Here’s how!


Were you one of the ones who read Rebecca’s original post? What did you think? Let’s talk in the comments!

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Published on September 22, 2017 05:32