Sheila Wray Gregoire's Blog, page 122

Reader Question: What if My Husband Won’t Go to the Doctor for His Low Libido?

What do you do when your husband won’t go to the doctor to talk about how he has no libido?

I’m back from quite the week! As I told you all last week, I had to fly out to Vancouver all of a sudden because we got word that my father was dying. I announced on Facebook that he passed away Friday morning, and told those who subscribe to my emails some of my thoughts about having a parent who you really didn’t know well pass away.

And now I’m home, and I’d like to get back to writing about marriage! So every Monday I like to post a reader question and take a stab at answering it. Here’s a woman whose husband has no libido but he won’t go to the doctor:

I especially liked what you wrote on how to approach a spouse who isn’t interested in having sex. I found it to be the most gentle, respectful, and understanding wording I’ve ever seen for advice on this topic. I wanted to copy and paste it word for word to my husband, but I’ve written him long texts in the past on this topic, and he told me that as soon as he sees it’s about sex he stops reading. He asked me nicely to stop talking about this, but I don’t know what to do but keep talking. He hasn’t initiated sex in over two years, and in that time we’ve only had sex 4 times (3 times last year), all with no participation on his part; no kissing, no touching, he can’t even open his eyes unless they’re glued to the Facebook feed on his cell phone which ALWAYS seems more important when I’m trying to engage his interest. He’s told me it’s not me, that he’s just getting older and it’s just a fact of life (he’s only 46). I want to encourage him to see his doctor to find out if there is something wrong, but anytime I bring it up, even trying to be as gentle and understanding as I can (I don’t yell, or say anything after a failed attempt at love making, etc.) he flies off the handle, tells me I’m being selfish, and tells me it’s conversations like this that turn him off. I asked if he could simply check to see if he could switch his cholesterol medication, because I read that some of those can effect libido, and he wouldn’t hear of it. He won’t quit smoking, change his unhealthy eating habits, get his testosterone levels checked, etc. He says it’s his body and he’ll do what he wants with it. I’m at my wit’s end.

She gave some more information on how he reacted with sexual problems in past relationships, and she’s just plain really hurt.

I don’t blame her.

I often say when I give my Girl Talk (my talk about sex that I give in churches) that it’s always hardest to be the spouse with the higher sex drive; and if you are that spouse, it’s worse when you’re the wife, because at least if you’re a guy there’s an expectation that you’ll be the one who wants sex more. When you’re the woman, people aren’t used to it and there isn’t the support there.

So this is a really rough place.

What do you do when your husband has no libido--but won't talk to the doctor about it?Click To Tweet

Let’s try to dissect this a little bit. I want to tackle the fact that he won’t address his low libido, and then tomorrow give some thoughts about guys going to see the doctor in general (because many women have trouble getting their husbands to go for a check-up!).

First: What to do when your husband won’t address his low libido

The spouse with the low libido really has no incentive on their own to address the problem. They’re often fine with the way things are, and they could keep going like that forever. They don’t feel the lack of sex in the same way.

Now, people only change when the pain of staying the same is worse than the pain of changing. For many people, there isn’t a lot of pain in staying the same.

People only change when the pain of staying the same is worse than the pain of changing.Click To Tweet

What you would hope is that a spouse would feel your pain and be motivated by that to do something; most spouses, I think, are. That’s part of marriage–when our spouse hurts, we should hurt, too.

And certainly when we can talk about it in a healthy way, our spouses should be motivated to make changes. In that vein, I’ve written before some posts that can help with this:

When Your Husband Doesn’t Want Sex: How to Communicate Your Needs

It explains how to make the topic about intimacy, not your physical needs. Focusing on your physical needs can turn him off right away, and make you seem pathetic (even though you’re totally not!). Talking instead about what this is doing to you as a couple, and what you really want for you as a couple, can help him see that change does need to come.

For most people, this approach will work. Most people honestly may no see the pain they’re causing their spouse, and they may just need this reality check to get them on the right path.

Do I Have to Live in a Sexless Marriage?

But what if he doesn’t understand and still doesn’t seem to care? Here’s where I encourage you to address the problem and not take no for an answer. If he doesn’t want to talk about it–that doesn’t mean that you have to let it go. And I show you how to be firm, because this is important. This isn’t something that you should just let go. So if you need a game plan and a pep talk and permission to feel upset about this, check out that post!

Many people are selfish.

The simple truth is that many people are selfish and don’t really care what other people think. And many people are not interested in personal growth. They’re quite content to stay exactly the way they are, and if you challenge them, they’ll say something like, “You should love me just the way I am”, as if the problem is you. It’s not. All of us are supposed to be growing. We’re supposed to be being transformed to look like Christ (Romans 8:29). We’re supposed to be “working out our salvation with fear and trembling.” (Philippians 2:12). We’re supposed to grow!

If you’re married to someone who is supremely self-focused, and isn’t interested in doing anything they don’t want to do, then you have a bigger problem. You can try to convince them until you’re blue in the face that life would be better if they changed, but they may not care because their only motivator is their own feelings. That’s a hard place to be, and it means that you’ve married someone immature. A sign of maturity is choosing to do the right thing, even if it doesn’t line up with what you want to do in the here and now.

In that case, it may be best to approach him not by trying to convince him to change (since it may not work), but instead by making it clear that him doing nothing will no longer be tolerated. He is damaging himself and the relationship, and it is not loving to allow this to continue. The post on living in a sexless marriage will help with that.

Sometimes we spend too long trying to convince someone to change. Set boundaries instead!Click To Tweet
Second: What if your husband won’t go to the doctor at all?

Maybe your problem isn’t that your husband has a low libido, but that he won’t go to the doctor at all. Many men hate going to see a physician, and so they prolong things far too long. I have a good friend whose husband refused for a year of stomach pains to go to the doctor, and when he finally did go when the pain got too intense, they diagnosed Stage IV colon cancer. If he had gone in the first place, there may have been a different outcome.

Guys should start going for an annual checkup at age 50, but should go sooner than that if there is a history of some cancers or some heart problems, or if they have an acute problem.

So what if your husband has an issue and he doesn’t want to go see a doctor?

I’m going to write 10 ideas about how to get your husband to the doctor in a follow-up post tomorrow, so tune in for that! (there just isn’t room to include it all today!) And if you have any great suggestions, leave them in the comments and I’ll try to incorporate them.

So let me know in the comments: Does your husband refuse to address a big issue in your marriage? How have you handled that? And how do you get your husband to see the doctor?

What if YOU’RE the one with the lower libido?

I get it! I even wrote a course to help you deal with it–Boost Your Libido!

And here’s something super cool. Right now (but only until tomorrow at midnight), you can get that course for $29 (that’s $10 off!) PLUS you get nearly $2000 of other ebooks, courses, and printables for FREE. Really. I’m not crazy. That’s because Boost Your Libido is part of the Ultimate Homemaking Bundle–available right now in a FLASH SALE. But it’s only until tomorrow!

Check it out!

Wifey Wednesday: Adults Need Bedtimes, Too!

Adults need bedtimes, too. Seriously.

It’s Wednesday, the day when we talk marriage! Right now, as I told you earlier this week, I’m in Vancouver, with my dad in a hospital as we spend his last days on earth together. So since I don’t have time to write a post, I thought I’d rerun this important one–about why we need to start implementing our own bedtimes!

I have talked to thousands of couples over the last few years at marriage conferences and at events, and I keep hearing stories about how “we never talk”, or “we never do anything together”, or even, “our sex life is almost non-existent.” And when I start probing and asking questions, I often find a very similar story:

We don’t go to bed at the same time.

I would venture to say that in most homes today, after dinner is over various family members separate to their own screens–either the computer, or the TV, or the video game system.  She may be on her iPad, and he’s playing video games. And eventually somebody gets tired and heads to bed, but the other person doesn’t join them for several hours.

And we wonder why we feel disconnected!


Go to bed at the same time as your spouse. It's a HUGE marriage booster!Click To Tweet

I remember reading the Little House on the Prairie series of books with my kids, and one thing that always struck me was how early everyone got up. Pa was up before the sun to get the farm ready for the day. But the reason he was able to get up that early without an alarm was that he went to bed with the sun, too. Anthropologists estimate that most people, 150 years ago, got about 9 1/2 hours of sleep a night. Turning in at 8:30 or 9 was quite normal.

With the advent of electricity we started staying up later, because we could still be productive even after the sun went down. But I remember as a child that most people still went to bed at 11. When I was in high school most of my friends certainly did, and the reason was simple: all the good TV shows ended at 11. We only had a few channels, after all, and news started to come on at 10. By 11 it was all news, or else boring old movies. So there was nothing really to keep you awake.

But just as electricity pushed bedtimes back, now computers have virtually eliminated them altogether.

Because of the internet and video games you can do the exact same thing at 1:30 in the morning as you can do at 8 in the evening. And it sucks us in.

And people, it has to stop.

How are you going to keep a marriage alive if you scatter at night? How can you nurture your marriage if you never have down time just to talk? Keith and I spend a lot of time just chatting at night in bed–or even getting ready for bed. It’s an important bedtime ritual, to spend the last few moments of the day holding each other. And I’m not just talking about sex, either. Sure, it’s going to be harder to connect sexually if you’re not in bed at the same time. But it’s harder to connect AT ALL, too.

I get told by many women, “I go to bed at 11, and he follows around 1 or 2. And then he wakes me up because he wants sex.” That’s really difficult.

It used to be that EVERYONE had a bedtime–children did, but their parents did, too. If you needed 8 1/2 hours of sleep, and you had to get up at 6:30, then you went to bed at 10. It was quite simple, and quite civilized.

Let’s get back to adult bedtimes!

I know it’s not possible for everyone when shift work is involved, and I’m not talking about you here. I know that’s a difficult lifestyle, and my husband and I have lived it our whole married life, too.

Or perhaps your problem is snoring–your husband snores, so you have to get to sleep first. Or maybe you sleep in different rooms because of it. If so, I’ve heard that these mouth guards really can help reduce the problem (because those strips they sell at the drug store don’t work)–and as a wife of someone who snores at times, I know how important that is! So do try it, because you don’t want to be separated at night.

One of the best things you can do for your marriage is to go to bed at the same time!Click To Tweet
But many people ARE home together at night and snoring isn’t involved and they STILL don’t go to bed together.

And let me tell you–people do not sleep well when they turn in right after being on the computer.

When parents are having a hard time getting children to go to sleep at night, what do experts suggest? Setting up a routine so that the child knows what’s coming and has that transition time between daytime and nighttime, so they are able to wind down. Maybe the routine looks like this:

Snack
Bath
Story
Song
Prayers
Kiss good night

On this blog we talk a ton about ways to improve marriage, from finding his love language to spicing up your sex life to learning to accept him. But I think probably one of the most fundamental things that we could do is just to go back to basics and to establish a bedtime routine for you and your husband!

Maybe it looks like this:

Snack (or cup of tea together)
Bath or shower together
Read a chapter of a book or an article together out loud, or a Psalm
Snuggle
Pray
Make love to your husband?!?
Sleep

Different things lead up to sleep. That’s what makes it a routine–one thing follows another which follows another, which makes you ready for bed.

What's your evening routine? Be sure it's not messing with your marriage!Click To Tweet

Right now the only thing bringing some people to bed is that they fall asleep on the couch, and eventually wake up and move.

Not good.

Recently I wrote to women whose husbands played video games all night about how to build more relationship time. But one thing I said was that it’s very hard to just tell him, “I want you to stop playing by a certain time”, because that doesn’t seem reasonable when he’s having fun. If, instead, you said something like this: “how much sleep do you think we should get a night?”, and then say, “what’s a reasonable bedtime?” Then work backwards from there. Say, “I’d love to share a cup of herbal tea with you before we turn in every night,” or “I’d love to have a bath to unwind with you every night.” Then you’re giving him something you’d like to DO. And it’s far healthier to establish good sleeping habits when there’s a routine.

In fact, if you really want to pique his attention, try suggesting doing the 31 Days to Great Sex with him! Most men would love to have a more active sex life, and if you could commit to spending that time before bed every night for 31 days doing the reading and the exercise, you may find that you can start a new routine of climbing into bed together that will last far beyond the 31 days.

So talk to your husband about this! And if you’re on Facebook right now when you’re reading this and it’s after midnight, stop it. Get off. Get to bed. You need your sleep. He needs his sleep. You need your together time. Get a bedtime routine. Our ancestors did it, and they were far more productive and well rested and well rounded than we are!

Let me know: What time do you go to bed? Do you have a regular bedtime? Let’s talk in the comments!

Does Your Sex Life Need a Pick-Me-Up?
Maybe it's gotten stale. Maybe it's never felt that great. Or maybe you just feel like you're missing something!

Some Random Thoughts from a Hospital Room

Hi, everyone! I wanted to give you an update on my dad’s condition.

As I announced yesterday, Rebecca and I flew out to Vancouver in a hurry on the weekend because my father, who has advanced Alzheimer’s, had contracted pneumonia.

Yesterday his wife and my half-brother made the (correct) decision to stop the treatment that wasn’t really working and move towards comfort care, just trying to keep him peaceful and comfortable since nothing more can really be done.

So they’ve got him in a private room.

I downloaded a bunch of the songs you all recommended in the comments section yesterday (thank you!) as well as some Carpenters and Abba and Dionne Warwick and Linda Ronstadt (he really liked female singers of the 70s) and I’ll start playing that today.

He really can’t communicate, and hasn’t been able to for some time. And he’s still a relatively young man. Alzheimer’s is cruel.

He hasn’t really sung hymns or appreciated hymns for several decades, but I know he did when he was in his 20s, and I know that Alzheimer’s patients often can remember things from back then easier than things from today, so I thought the hymns may trigger something. Pray for that, if you will.

Being in the hospital for two days now, I’m left with several thoughts. First, most patients get far too few visitors. And that’s hard when you’ve got dementia. And the nurses can’t respond to every call. The IV machines have an alarm that goes off every time something is empty or wrong, but they don’t come for at least 15 minutes after it starts going off. That alarm is really aggravating, and it’s right by the patients’ heads.

And many of the patients on this floor just wander (because of the dementia), so they have them in chairs up by the desk, many strapped in. Others are allowed to just wander. And some who wander aren’t safe. There’s one who is screaming obscenities and who has a security guard attached to him. And the things he’s screaming are TERRIBLE. He’s insulting that poor security guard something awful (she’s a young woman), and detailing very specific things he wants to do to her. I seriously don’t think she deserves that. I think the hospital should protect its employees better. Put him in a psychiatric ward or something where people are trained and prepared for this. But nobody deserves to be spoken to like that. Nobody.

Anyway, it’s just not a nice place. And it doesn’t have wifi. I don’t know if hospitals are different outside Canada, but I’ve always said that if you’re going to be in hospital, you need someone else with you 24/7 if you expect to get proper care and make it bearable.

I’ll likely have some posts up later this week; there are some older ones I really like that I’ve been wanting to repost, since people have been asking me some questions I actually answered several years ago. So there will be things here.

But in the meantime, I’m in a hospital room, listening to Dionne Warwick and Linda Ronstadt and Carrie Underwood sing How Great Thou Art, and I’m praying that he’s peaceful.

A Status Report: We Were Called to My Father’s Bedside

So 7:30 on Saturday night Keith and I were eating dinner, getting ready to go watch season 2 of Dark Matter on Netflix while I finished casting off for a skirt I’m knitting.

Then we got a phone call. My father, who has advanced Alzheimer’s, was in the hospital with pneumonia and wasn’t expected to recover.

By 8:30 I was in the car driving to my daughter Rebecca’s in Ottawa, where I spent the night. At 5:30 the next morning Rebecca and I were on the way to the airport, and by noon PST we had arrived in Vancouver.

We spent the afternoon and evening at the hospital yesterday and we’re getting ready to go back in just a few minutes.

So needless to say, blogging will be light over the next few days, and since Rebecca works on the blog with me and she’s also out here with me, we likely won’t be replying to comments much. Sorry about that! (We will see comments tonight though! And we’ll be checking Facebook throughout the day).

But two things before I go: prayers would be much appreciated, for some difficult decisions that will need to be made over the next few days.

Second: my dad can get very agitated, and I know that Alzheimer’s patients are often calmed by memories from when they were much younger. Yesterday when they were changing his IV Rebecca and I sang Blessed Assurance, and that seemed to help a bit.

So if any of you came of age in the 1950s or 1960s, or know much about the period, what would have been the big hymns or gospel songs you would have sung? Or what would have been the calming songs of your teen years or early 20s? Becca and I can both carry a tune pretty well, so we’d like to see if that would work. Any suggestions would be appreciated.

Then just one final observation: you know, hospital ministry is an important work. There was a woman with dementia just walking around the floor last night. She latched onto Rebecca and started talking to her as if she were her daughter. Rebecca just hugged her for a while and the woman started crying, and then we managed to get her back into her chair. Later when she was agitated again, Becca just said firmly, “Now, you need to sit here and stay here. But God bless you. Jesus sees you.” And she welled up and said, “Oh, thank you.”

So many poor souls are all alone on the hospital floor. It’s just very sad.

The family a few years ago at my half-brother’s wedding. About a year after my dad was diagnosed.

On Harvey Weinstein and Owning Someone Else’s Shame

I spent the summer when I was 18 as a camp counsellor.

I had a group of four of us–two guys, and two girls–who hung out in the evenings when the kids were in bed (others were supervising!) and who did a lot of the games and music together.

We were good friends, and frequently teased each other and bantered back and forth.

One morning, halfway through summer, we were lining up with the campers in front of the dining hall, getting ready to go in for breakfast.

The dining hall years later–when we were there for family camp!

I was teasing one of the guys, whom I’ll call Dave for the sake of simplicity, and I went a little too far. I can’t remember what it was about now, but I know I was laughing and joking around.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, his whole face went red. He got right in my face and he yelled at the top of his lungs, “Stop laughing at me! No one should laugh at me!”

My heart stopped. I couldn’t breathe. Everybody was staring. I felt about two feet tall. He stormed off and I grabbed his arm to try to apologize, and he wrenched it away from me.

I spent the next week asking everyone’s advice on how I should make it up to him and how I could repair the breach. Everyone else offered wimpy advice, but no one really knew what to do. I felt so terrible. No one had ever yelled at me like that before, and I wanted to make it right.

It hit me a few years ago when I was reminded of that scene again (and I totally forgot about it for about twenty years) that what he was doing was totally inappropriate and actually abusive and bullying.

He was wrong to yell at me like that. I did not cause him to become angry; our conversation was actually quite natural and normal for people of that age. He suffered from a real rage disorder. Yet no one recognized it. And somehow it became my problem, because I could not stand up for myself and say, “what you did was wrong, and you had no right to treat me like that, even if I was pushing buttons I didn’t know about.”

And the reason I couldn’t stand up for myself was because it hit me out of left field.

I was just so utterly and completely shocked in the moment. I had never seen behaviour like that. And I felt such shame.

Looking back, it’s obvious that what he did was wrong. At the time, it wasn’t so obvious.

When someone does something awful to you that you were not expecting, and that you’ve never experienced before so you have no frame of reference, you tend to own the shame of it.


When someone is abusive, we often freeze, because the behaviour is so out of left field.Click To Tweet

For some reason it’s hard wired into us to own someone else’s problems. Psychologists have said that it’s a way that we maintain the facade of control when something bad happens–if it’s my fault, then I can potentially figure out what I did to cause it so it won’t happen again. If we honestly realize that it isn’t our fault, in many ways that’s harder psychologically to handle, because it means that it could happen again.

(Obviously that’s silly, because it can happen again even if we do think it’s our fault, it’s just that this is the way our minds work).

I think a similar dynamic was at work with Harvey Weinstein and many of these actresses/models/assistants.

I’ve read several accounts this week, and over and over again women say something to the effect of:

“he showed up naked in his bathrobe and I was so shocked I didn’t know what to do.”

They say they were shocked. And they froze. And I believe it. I remember how I felt that summer morning, even though it was a totally different situation. When someone does something so wrong and completely unexpected, we don’t know how to handle it.

(By the way, I do believe more of these actresses should have come forward earlier, even if it was years after their own incidents, after they had had time to process it. If there weren’t a conspiracy of silence, many more women could have been spared this. But I totally understand freezing in the moment).

It is human nature to own someone else’s shame when they do something terrible, out of the blue.


Let's stop owning the shame of other people's actions towards us.Click To Tweet

Remember the United Airlines incident a while ago? A similar dynamic was there. People were just so shocked at what was happening they didn’t do anything. It’s not that they weren’t brave or they didn’t care; it’s that they were so shocked by abuse that they were almost paralyzed for an instant.

October is Domestic Abuse Awareness Month, and I know that many of my readers experience things like this–the rage, the rapes, the ridicule–in their own marriages and families. And it is natural to own the shame. “What did I do? How can I fix this?” But there is nothing you can do, because it is not your problem. When people are abusive, that is on them, not on you.

I understand that feeling of paralysis. I understand that feeling of such incredible shame. But as you’ve had a chance to look back and process it, please try to look clearly. I can see 18-year-old me, just joking around. Yes, I went a little too far. But the proper response would have been, “Hey, Sheila, cut it out.” And I would have. The proper response was not to go into a rage and lambaste me in public.

Maybe you look back and think, “but I hadn’t been very nice to him that day.” Or, “but we hadn’t had sex in a while and I know he thought he deserved it.” Or, “but I had annoyed him a lot leading up to that.” But just because you may have done something wrong does not mean that you deserved abuse, or that abuse was the proper response.

It’s taken a lot of years for many of the women Harvey Weinstein assaulted to come forward and name what happened to them. But once a few did, the floodgates opened.

Maybe it’s time for some of you to name what is happening to you.

You’ve lived with the shock. You’re carrying the shame. You’ve tried to fix it, but it isn’t working. Maybe it’s because it was never your problem to carry in the first place.

If you’re wondering what to do, here are some posts that can help:

Ten Truths About Emotionally Destructive Relationships
A Letter to the Woman with the Controlling Husband
The One Sign You’re in an Abusive Relationship (from Emotional Abuse Survivor)

Have you ever felt paralyzed in the moment, because of someone else’s actions? What happened? Let’s talk in the comments!

 

 

Why You Should Wait for Marriage to Have Sex

Why should we wait for marriage for sex?

Seriously, if you had to answer that question, what’s the first thing you’d say?

Many of us would reply, “Because God wants us to!” That’s what we were taught. But here’s the problem with using that as the main reason: It makes it seem like we only have one chance to get this right, and I think it’s one of the main reasons that so many women carry such shame about sex (even women who waited until they were married!). We make it seem like God doesn’t like sex, which isn’t true at all! And we make it seem like purity is an all or nothing thing.

Last night I recorded a podcast with the Sex Chat for Christian Wives gals, and it will be up soon. And one of the things we talked about was how to give kids the message that sex is meant for marriage WITHOUT adding heaps of shame. I think the way that you do that is by explaining the reasons WHY God wants us to wait for marriage.

So I’d like to do that today. Perhaps some of you could have better used this post five or ten years ago, but it’s an important one, so if you like it, please pass it on!

When I wrote the book The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, I conducted a “Wedding Night Survey”.

Among those who are very committed Christians, only about 30% waited until they were married to have sex. Of those who did not wait, though, a tremendous proportion volunteered on the survey that they wished they had. So many said, “Why didn’t we just wait the extra two weeks?” Many say they’ve been plagued with guilt since.

Most Christians who have sex before marriage wish they had waited. Click To Tweet

First, if you didn’t make it until your wedding, and you did have sex first, you need to let the guilt go. Jesus died for that, and to carry around the guilt only hurts you, your marriage, and your sex life. To carry around the guilt is to say that Jesus’ sacrifice wasn’t enough for you, and that’s just adding to the problem! So let it go. You are not impure, because our purity is not based on what we did with our bodies, but on what Jesus did with His.

But the real thing I want to talk about was this comment. One woman said,

“I grew up with everybody telling me why I should have sex. Nobody took the time–not my parents, not my teachers, not my friends–to give me a good reason not to. I should have waited, and I’m going to make sure my children know why.”

I thought that was rather sad, but also rather typical. So in this post, I want to give you the reasons why you should wait.

6 Reasons OTHER than pregnancy & STDs that it's best to wait for marriage to have sex!Click To Tweet

1. God does tell us to wait until marriage for sex.

Some people question if God really DOES tell us to, because no where in the Bible does it say, “don’t have sex with someone you’re not married to.” You’re right. The Bible does not use those words. But it does use the words “sexual immorality”, which is a more modern translation of the word “fornication”. And what does fornication mean? Having sex with someone you’re not married to. So the Bible DOES say it; it just uses older words to do so, and we sometimes forget what they mean.

Nevertheless, as I said, this isn’t the main one I want to stress. It isn’t like God is up there in heaven, thinking of ways to make our lives miserable, or at least a lot less fun. No, when He has a command, there’s a good reason for it. And let’s look at those reasons:

Yes, God tells us to wait for marriage for sex. But do you know why? Click To Tweet
2. Having sex before you’re married can make your friendship less powerful.

Here’s a comment another woman made:

I wish we had waited until we were married, because our relationship became nothing but sex. We didn’t know how to do anything else.

Sex is a powerful force. It is physically amazing (or at least it can be), and once you start, it’s hard to stop. It seems like that’s what you should be doing all the time.

And many couples, once they become sexually active, find that their relationship does now revolve around sex. Instead of finding other things to do, they stay in. Instead of socializing with other people, they jump in bed. And what happens? They lose their friendship. In fact, studies have shown that the level of emotional connection you’re at when you start having sex tends to be the level you stay at. Sex gives you an artificial feeling of intimacy. Then when you get married,  you realize your relationship is shallow, and it’s harder to get it back on track. It’s better to build that emotional connection early!

3. A relationship can’t survive on sex alone.

You need other things to keep you going. One of the benefits of not having sex while you’re engaged is that you’re forced to find other things to occupy your time. You talk, and find out about each other. You find hobbies or sports you can do together. You go biking, or hiking, or you play golf. You volunteer together. You DO something.

Once you get married, you settle into a routine. You go to work. You come home. You have dinner. You watch TV. You go to bed. You have sex. The problem is that, for women especially, you’re not going to want to make love unless you’re also connecting on different levels. And sex should be the culmination of the relationship, not the basis of the relationship. Sex should flow out of your friendship, affection, and companionship; your companionship, affection and friendship can’t flow out of sex.

We need to feel connected first. But so does he. For sex to be meaningful, it has to be two people who truly love and want to be together. But how do you know if you want to be together if you don’t really know each other? You can have sex a ton and not really know each other, because you’re not doing anything else.

That’s why we have that period, in engagement, to get to know each other. And the habits we develop then will carry over. If you’ve been helping out at church together, you’ll keep doing that. If you’ve been hanging out with your siblings, or with your friends, then you now have friends you can spend time with together. If you’ve been biking, you know you like doing that together.

But if you’ve been doing very little of anything at all, what is going to hold you together once you’re married? You need to have a friendship; you need a reason for that connection. Sex can’t be that. And couples who have learned how to build their friendship beforehand do much better in the long run.

4. Sex cements you together, when perhaps you should stay apart.

Another woman wrote, “I confused sex with love. I thought that since we were having sex, we were bonded and meant to be together. I was wrong. I shouldn’t have married him.” Sex gives you a false sense of intimacy. When we have sex, we release the “bonding hormone” oxytocin, which makes us feel close to the person we’re with. We start to experience those fluttery feelings, and the wistful longing for that person.

But it doesn’t mean it’s based on anything real. Many people have “fallen into” marriage because they’ve been having sex and it seems like the next logical step. But while the physical side of their relationship accelerated, the rest of it didn’t. And now their friendship is stunted and it doesn’t look like they can build it up again.

One more thing on this point: the more people that you are “cemented” together with before you’re married, the harder it will be for sex to cement you together later. Sex can cement you together; but if you have sex and then break up and have sex and then break up, you start teaching your heart not to bond. And that’s setting yourself up for problems in your marriage, because sex becomes something distinct from love. You may still love your husband, but you don’t do it through sex, because sex has become only physical. That’s sad.

Sex cements you together when perhaps you should stay apart. One reason why it's better to wait for sex!Click To Tweet
5. Good sex before you’re married does not mean that you will have good sex afterwards.

Many people make love to see if they are “sexually compatible“. That’s pretty stupid, because any two people can be sexually compatible as long as they love each other. Love should be the basis for sex, not physical prowess in the bedroom. But sex after marriage tends to be different from sex before. Over and over again, my respondents said, “I can’t believe how sex changed. It used to be fun, but now it’s a chore.” Or, “he used to care for me; now he doesn’t.” Once the commitment is there, sex changes. And if you’ve been making love already, it often changes for the worse.

Sex used to be something forbidden, and that gave it excitement. Now that it’s not, it’s become hum drum. Or he used to care about you; now he doesn’t. That’s because you started having sex when you were courting, and he had to impress you. Now he doesn’t.

But isn’t that the way with any marriage? Not really. If you don’t have sex until you’re married, it’s new, and you learn together. He learns how to please you. It’s now part of your marriage. Have sex first, and it can easily become something that is treated in a more lacksadaisical way after you say your vows.

6. You don’t know how to make love.

Sex is supposed to be about connecting you together on all levels. When you have sex without the commitment, you take the bonding part out of the equation. And it’s very hard to get it back. So it means that sex, once you’re married, won’t be the powerful emotional force that it can be for others. It’s still focused primarily on the physical, and not on the rest. The emotional is not the primary consideration.

And so, dear friends, I urge you to wait for marriage for sex.

It helps clarify your choice for marriage, and helps you to marry your best friend. It gives you a tool once you’re married to cement you together. And, of course, waiting helps you obey God and not become pregnant when you don’t want to. And saves you from the worry of STDs. (But I didn’t even include those reasons because you all heard them in health class!)

Does all of this mean that if you did have sex before you were married that your marriage is doomed? No, of course not. It’s just that you have some obstacles in your marriage that need to be talked through. You have a few hurdles, and God can help you get over those hurdles.

But if you’re not married yet, my question would be this: why set yourself up for hurdles? Nobody said they regretted waiting in my survey; the majority of those who had sex before marriage said they did regret not waiting. Listen to those voices, and wait.

There’s a reason God did what He did, and it wasn’t to punish you or rob you of fun. It was to protect you.

Do you have teens you know or engaged couples who would benefit from reading this? Why not share it to Facebook or Twitter or Pinterest by clicking the buttons below!

About to get married? Sheila’s book The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex contains lots of info for your honeymoon–and help to get your marriage started the right way, even if you wish you could change your past.

Now let’s talk in the comments: Do we explain WHY people should wait for marriage for sex in the right way? How should we better get the message across?

Wifey Wednesday: How an Argument Revealed More about Me than My Husband

Have you ever noticed how arguments with your husband aren’t always as straightforward as they seem?

C.S. Lewis once said that we learn the most about our character under stress than we do when things are good. It’s how we respond under pressure that shows who we really are.

And maybe that’s one of the benefits of marriage–because we live so closely with another person, a lot is revealed about us. We may be angry at our husbands, but in the process a lot is shown about our own hearts.

I so appreciate Beth Steffaniak from Messy Marriage, and she’s here for Wifey Wednesday to talk about what she learned about herself after an argument with her husband!

Here’s Beth:

I have this annoying tendency with my husband that starts an argument faster than a ten-second post disappears on Snapchat. You see I try to read his mind about what he is feeling when he doesn’t give me a lot of information or an overtly positive response about a request I’ve made. I’ve taken this as my cue to then try to interpret his body language, facial expressions, or even his quietness on the subject—often assuming the worst about his motives as a result.

So instead of believing the best about him, like the Bible reminds us to do:

“Love bears up under anything and everything that comes, is ever ready to believe the best of every person . . .” (1 Corinthians 13:7a AMPC).

I have tended to believe the worst about him.

Recalling a Monumental and ‘Revealing’ Argument

Years ago, my pastor husband and I were attending, of all things, a marriage conference for pastor’s and their wives. This conference was in New York and on the day following the conference we were planning to go to the taping of the Today Show on the plaza. But that was really what “I” wanted to do and not so much what my husband wanted to do. He had indicated some hesitancy about it, but was willing to do it, though he wasn’t quite sure the best way to get down there.

So on the first day of the conference we were standing around talking with a few of the conference workers before going in to the first session, when my husband asked them about things to do in New York. Immediately, I noticed that he didn’t ask anything about the Today Show or how to get down there. This led me to assume the negative about his reasons for not asking.

As we made our way into the conference room, I asked my husband if the reason he didn’t ask about the Today Show was because he didn’t really want to go. This did not go over well with my husband one bit! So he began to discuss this publicly with me in what I was “assuming” was an irritated way (A “mind-reader’s” job is never done!).

Of course, his irritated tone sent my anxiety through the roof, because I surely didn’t want any of these other pastors and pastor’s wives to hear us bickering as we entered the “marriage workshop.” I hope you see the irony and humor that I now feel and see about all of this. Mind you, I didn’t feel like it was funny at the time—not one bit—but I’m happy to say that I’ve learned so much from that one encounter that I can now look back and laugh.

Truly, at the time, I wanted to pin this on my husband. But after much prayer and processing, I came to some important realizations about myself from that argument.

What this Argument with my Husband Revealed about Me
1. The wounds of my past and upbringing were in the mix.

I discovered that my motives were entangled with fears that I had let take root in my heart. My mother was a good woman, but had this one fatal flaw—she often managed others using guilt to get them to do what she wanted. I’ve done that myself a time or two, but mostly, I struggle to do things from a place of willingness, rather than obligation.

So I tend to fear that my husband is doing the same thing with me, especially when he appears to be reluctant in any way, shape or form to what I have requested of him. This has formed something of a trigger for him. He will admit that freely to all, so I’m not guilty of reading his mind on that one!

2. I needed to take my husband at his word—trusting that my husband is trustworthy.

My husband has never given me reason to doubt his trustworthiness, especially when it comes to the vows he made to me on our wedding day. I’ve just struggled so much to trust myself to say “no” when I’ve needed to, that I placed that mantle on him as well.

I am much better at saying “no” now—as well as trusting my convictions and beliefs. And ironically that has made it easier for me to trust that my husband is trustworthy, even though he didn’t necessarily change one way or the other on this particular issue. I just realized that it was really my problem of not trusting him, when I should have taken him at his word.

3. I needed to learn to express my concerns apart from the “heat of the moment.”

This has been a game-changer in our marriage. Whenever my husband or I try to deal with a perceived problem in the “heat of the moment,” things go sideways fast. If I had waited until much later in the day, when my husband wasn’t tempted to feel “blindsided” by my emerging worries in a public venue, I think it would have gone over much better. Especially, if I had owned my feelings instead of putting them on him like I did.

4. I needed to learn to ask good questions at that later time of reflection with my husband.

In addition to communicating my concerns and owning my feelings, I could have easily solved the mystery by asking him good, open-ended questions about his feelings regarding the Today Show activity. Instead, I played “counselor” to the dysfunction I perceived in him—slapping him with the diagnosis of “his” problem as I saw it. No one wants to be in that counselor’s hot seat!

Solomon with all the mistakes he made in marriage still knew better than I did on this one,

“The purposes of a person’s heart are deep waters, but one who has insight draws them out” (Proverbs 20:5 NIV).

Point taken, King Solomon!

The Argument with my Husband Autopsy

Now, I’m still a work-in-progress on all of these fronts, but these principles are becoming more and more integrated into my life and mindset since that fateful day. And I attribute that to learning to do an “Argument Autopsy” after every conflict. In fact, as a counselor and life-coach, I try to teach my clients to do this with the conflicts they have in life and marriage because of all that it has taught me. There is just such a wealth of information to be found after an argument, not necessarily to understand our mates and loved ones better, but to understand ourselves better.

My hope is that you will take the time after your next conflict to do an “Argument Autopsy” like I did and continue to do whenever conflicts arise in my marriage. That means praying and asking for God to reveal what you were thinking or doing wrong before or, better yet, instead of examining what your mate did wrong. Give them the opportunity to figure that out with God, if they are willing. And if your spouse is not, then a big way you can move forward is to commit to pray for your mate—leaving them in God’s capable hands. Believe me, God is so much better at revealing what we—and this includes our spouses—need to see and acknowledge than we are on any given day!

How an 'Argument Autopsy' can help you learn about your marriage: Click To Tweet







Beth has been married to her husband Gary for 30 years. They are enjoying the early days of an empty-nest, while Beth has been filling up much of her time with writing, life-coaching and speaking at workshops.

You can find Beth at her blog: Messy Marriage, as well as on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Youtube, and Pinterest. Get access to her 35 resource rich marriage library when you subscribe to her blog!

What do you think? Do you ever believe the worst of your husband in the heat of the moment? Let’s talk about it in the comments!

Top 10 Reasons to Get Married

Why get married? Are there good reasons for marriage? Or is marriage just an outdated institution?

Yesterday we were talking about some of the troubles people can get in when they first marry because we marry thinking that marriage will meet all our needs, and we have some really unrealistic expectations.

But I don’t want to give people the impression that marriage doesn’t matter or that marriage is awful. On the contrary–there are very good reasons to get married, and I think marriage is wonderful (when we do it right!)

It reminded me of a post that I ran a little while ago, which I’m going to edit and update today and run again for top 10 Tuesdays, because I think it’s important. Let’s answer the question “why marry”?

I received this question from a young reader:

You’ve probably read that millennials really don’t feel the need to marry. I know this is a pro-marriage blog, but what would you say to those who just think marriage is outdated, pointless, and really only about God “approving” a sex life? With all the definitions of marriage changing (like gay marriage, etc), why does it even matter to be married anymore? As you well know through your blog readers, most marriages are unhappy (and saturated with adultery, porn, sexless, abusive) because everyone goes into them believing you can be in love with and sexually attracted to the same person your whole life. I just don’t know that it’s realistic no matter how much everyone wants it to be. So should we as Christians be striving to be more like Jesus and Paul instead of wasting time worried about sex drives and kids and not dying alone?

That sounds like my kind of challenge: showing people that marriage IS worth it!

She’s saying that since marriage is so awful, wouldn’t it be better for Christians to focus just on ministry rather than marriage and motherhood?

If God calls you to that–sure! But I don’t think God calls most people to be single.

So here we go: my Top 10 reasons to get married. Please share yours in the comments, too!

1. Most marriages are happy

Despite what our reader may see around her, despite what our news media says, despite the startling number of celebrity divorces–most marriages are quietly happy. In fact, here’s what Shaunti Feldhahn found when she did her research for her book, The Good News About Marriage:

When Shaunti asks people, “What percentage of couples do you think are happy in their marriage today? Not perfect, but not just so-so roommates either?”, she has never had anyone answer higher than 50%.

And younger people tend to answer lower.

The answer is 80%.

That’s right–80% of couples rate their marriages as happy. Surveys consistently find that between 92 and 95% of currently married people would marry the same person again.

And the divorce rate? It’s nowhere near 50%. It never has been. The divorce rate for first marriages is around 28%, and for Christians it’s between 25 and 50% lower than that. So for Christians, the real divorce rate is around 15-20%.

(I’m quite passionate that people need to understand that–read Shaunti’s book for all the reseach. Let’s get the word out about the real divorce rate!)

The idea that marriages are miserable and failing is a cultural myth. It is simply not true.


Think marriage makes people miserable? 10 Reasons That's Wrong!Click To Tweet

And not only are most people happy; most people, when asked “what is your greatest source of happiness?”, answer “my marriage.”

So if most people are happy, and most people would rank their marriage as their greatest source of happiness, why would you risk missing out on that because you believe a lie that our culture tells us that marriage is miserable?
2. Commitment makes relationships happier

And why are marriages so happy? There’s something about commitment that changes everything.

You can love someone and not be married. But when the relationship is ONLY based on feelings, then it’s almost as if the relationship is always under scrutiny. “Is he making me happy? Is she meeting my needs?” When feelings change, the relationship is no longer worth it anymore. This makes it much harder to bring up genuine issues, because then the whole relationship is at stake.

But when there’s commitment, it’s easier to work on problems. You know the other person isn’t going anywhere. And that’s why marriages tend to grow and remain much more stable than any other kind of relationship.

3. We grow when we’re married

Just because something takes work and there are ups and downs and there are times when we are angry and times when we are lonely does not mean that marriage is bad. In fact, I think marriage is far more powerful because it takes work.

When I married I couldn’t hide my selfishness anymore. I couldn’t hide my pride. Someone else knew everything about me–and quite frequently it was my selfishness and pride that was the roadblock to real marital bliss.

So why did God make marriage? Maybe it was to make us more like Him!

4. We were born to want to be with someone else

When God created us, He created us for community. He said, “It is not good for man to be alone.” (Genesis 2:18).

I just finished reading Debra Fileta’s True Love Dates, which is a great book. At one point she’s discussing the guilt that we often put on single people, telling them, “You need to let God meet all your needs.” Sort of the “let Jesus be your boyfriend” mentality. Here’s what Deb says:

Your longing for an intimate relationship with another person is something you were created to feel. It doesn’t mean that you are unholy or that you haven’t let Jesus fill your heart the way he should. It means you’re human, created in the image of God, a God who loves, who connects, and who longs for relationship himself.

Jesus can never be your boyfriend or girlfriend because we was never intended to be. A significant part of your heart was designed specifically for just him, but there is a part of your heart that was designed specifically for others.

Some people are called to be single; absolutely. 1 Corinthians 7 clearly says that if we are content to be single, we should be–in order to dedicate our lives to serving God wholeheartedly. But most people are not called to be single. And we were created with this intimate longing to be with other people. That longing is not bad. And marriage is the vehicle that God made to fill that longing.

5. You have someone who KNOWS every story

It is such a blessing to walk through life with someone who knows everything about you. Sure, it makes you more vulnerable. But it also means that you have inside jokes. You have someone who understands your pain. You have someone who simply notices you.

I think this is one of the most powerful statements on marriage in any movie, from Shall We Dance (the really good stuff starts at 34 seconds):

6. Great sex in marriage is God’s design

Certainly some people can turn off their sex drives, sublimate their sexual energy into service for God’s kingdom, and live a fulfilling single life.

But God did give us sex drives.

And His design is for great sex in marriage. In fact, that’s how great sex works! Sex is supposed to be intimate physically, emotionally, and spiritually. And here’s the neat thing: the more spiritually and emotionally close we feel, the more the physical kicks in and the more sex feels great.

That doesn’t mean it starts out great. In the research I did for The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, only 20% of women had “good” wedding nights. But by years 16-20 in marriage, things are really rocking for most of us!

Married, Christian women have better sex than single women–or even married women who aren’t believers.

Married, Christian women have better sex than single women--or even married women who aren't believers.Click To Tweet

We may not start out great, but as we get to know each other better and become more vulnerable with each other, sex gets much better.

So don’t believe the lie that we can be sexually incompatible. Great sex just takes work–and that’s part of how marriage makes us more Christlike, too!

7. Marriage opens up doors for ministry

Of course when we’re single we can do things for God that would be much harder when we’re married–and perhaps almost impossible if we’re parents. A close friend of mine was involved with rescuing child soldiers in an African country I won’t name. He couldn’t have done this had he not been single.

But that doesn’t mean that only single people can do ministry! The apostle Peter, after all, was married (and his wife was crucified with him). Priscilla and Aquila are an example of a couple who evangelized together.

Marriage opens up doors for ministry because sometimes you need to be a team.

My husband and I have been on missions trips to Africa together. We’ve led a youth group. We’ve led a ministry at church. We’ve taught Sunday school. We’ve spoken at marriage conferences. We’ve spoken at parenting conferences. We’ve done a ton together.

But we’ve also done a ton separately. And now he’s the one driving our RV while I speak around North America, because there is no way that I would drive that thing!

We’re all called to ministry, whether we’re single or married. Sometimes people read 1 Corinthians 7 and think that it means that only single people dedicate their lives to God. Not true! Married people can serve as well, and often in places where a team really is necessary.

8. You have someone to share the load

Parents get older and need care. The furnace breaks down and somebody has to be there to let the repair guy in. You slip on ice and break your foot and you can’t make meals or do laundry for six weeks.

Life is easier with another person alongside you.

When you’re in your twenties you don’t realize this as much. But as you get older and health problems come, and you own a home, and your parents start to get older–you realize how much being part of a team is easier than trying to do it all yourself.

9. Having children is the greatest blessing of most people’s lives

Do some kids rebel and make your life miserable? Sure. But most kids don’t rebel.

Just like we believe the lie that all marriages are miserable, we often believe the lie, too, that parenthood makes you chronically tired, miserable, and heartbroken. Oh, and broke.

Sure there are busy seasons. Sure it’s expensive. Sure it takes a ton of your time. But if you ask parents what their greatest source of joy is, they’ll tell you it’s their family. Even though it makes them tired, costs them a fortune, and makes them worry.

So there must be something there other than just the work. And there is! It’s the simple joy of being a mother.

Me with my girls 17 years ago!

Don’t discount parenthood because people around you seem to be frazzled. If they would do it again–if they keep having kids–there must be something profound that is worth all that work. And there is!

10. Marriage Is a Miracle

Finally, let’s explore this letter writer’s assumptions just a bit more. She believes that the reasons to marry aren’t valid because marriage makes you miserable. That addictions and adultery are inevitable. That life with one person is impossible.

But if that were true, then we would expect married people to show detrimental signs, and single people to be better off.

The opposite is true. Married people do better on every scale.

In the book The Case for Marriage, Linda Waite and Maggie Gallagher lay out all the research on marriage, and show that it has tremendous benefits.

For men, getting married has the equivalent health bonus of quitting smoking. It adds years to your life.

Getting married also drastically reduces mental health problems. You’re healthier. You report higher rates of happiness and lower rates of depression. Your kids do better on every scale. You live longer. You make more money. You have a lower chance of heart attacks and strokes.

In short, marriage is a miracle.

So why get married? Because it’s one of the greatest gifts that God ever gave us.


Why get married? Because marriage is one of the greatest gifts God ever gave us!Click To Tweet

That doesn’t mean it doesn’t take work. It doesn’t mean you don’t have to be careful who you marry. It doesn’t mean that every marriage will be wonderful.

But it does mean that marriage, as an institution, is worth it.

Just because our society has muddied the waters when it comes to marriage does not mean that we should throw it out. On the contrary! Why would we miss out on one of God’s greatest blessings just because our culture has made it seem ugly?

I have not always been happy in my marriage. The first few years were tough. The last few years have been a hard slog. But I can tell you that my life is richer because I am married. I am a less selfish person because I am married. I have a bigger ministry because I am married. I have so much joy because I am married–and because I am a mom. And yes, I’m even sexually satisfied because I am married! So don’t believe everything out culture tells us. Believe what you know is true.

God made something beautiful for us. Let’s never dismiss it.

What do you think? What are some of the reasons to get married that you think are key? Let me know in the comments!

Does Your Sex Life Need a Pick-Me-Up?
Maybe it's gotten stale. Maybe it's never felt that great. Or maybe you just feel like you're missing something!

Reader Question: My Husband Doesn’t Think our Sex Life is Good Enough

What do you do when your husband thinks you have a bad sex life?

Every Monday I like to put up a Reader Question and take a stab at answering it. Here’s a really messy one from a woman whose husband has decided to withhold sex since their sex life was so bad:

I’m in my early 30s with two children. My marriage has not been great but not bad either, until last year September when things took a bad turn and it doesn’t seem to be getting better. My husband woke me up and asked that we talk, he told me that he is not happy, that our sex life sucks and he has not really enjoyed sex with me since marriage, never feels the emotional or spiritual connection when making love and that he can not pretend any longer and even though we still remained intimate, we haven’t had sex in 3 months now. I usually get rejected when I initiate it and now I’m too afraid to try. We were celibate throughout our courtship and I did struggle the first year of marriage to be comfortable with sex, he would complain that I was tense and not enjoying him. I did seek advice and was told to masturbate and I did and thought it improved things but to my surprise, it wasn’t good enough. I have been raped when I was young by my two cousins and it does bother me now and then. I was born again at 12 and had been celibate till marriage and now I’m so frustrated to say the least. My husband has had multiple sexual relationships before he met me and I do feel compared to the women in his past. My marriage is in shambles and each day I pray for restoration. I do sometimes turn to masturbation and feel guilty thereafter and so now try just to cross my legs and be strong.

Wow, that’s really, really sad. Let’s take a look at some big picture issues here.

Sexual baggage takes a real toll on a marriage.

There’s major sexual baggage on both sides. She has sexual abuse in her past, and he has multiple sexual partners.

That’s really, really tough. And the problem is that both sets of baggage tend to make it hard to feel intimate when you’re making love. Sexual abuse can make sex seem like a weapon, rather than a beautiful experience that makes you feel like one. Multiple sexual partners can make sex seem solely physical, and not really about emotional or spiritual intimacy.

Then you’re together, and you’re both approaching sex with different issues. Add to the mix that sex can be difficult to get used to for some women, and it can seem like a HUGE disappointment. For many couples sex takes a huge learning curve. I tell my audiences when I give my Girl Talk about sex & marriage that, as I found in the research for The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, the best years for sex in marriage are years 16-24. It’s after you’ve been together for over a decade, you’ve worked through all these issues, and you’re able to be truly vulnerable. It isn’t uncommon to have some difficulties early on.

It’s quite common to make sex about his needs

We grow up in a culture that is always talking about how much men need sex and how high a sex drive men have (which is quite a hard message to hear for those women who end up marrying men with no sex drives!). We believe that a man can’t be happy until he has regular and frequent sex.

And so this couple gets married, and she has problems. She writes, “he would complain that I was tense and not enjoying him. I did seek advice…” So sex isn’t working that great for her. But how do they react to that? He complains and she seeks outside advice. 

She’s denying her legitimate need to feel comfortable with sex and get used to sex because of his supposed greater need to get sexual fulfillment and release.

Their needs are at odds with each other–because they’re seeing sex as an individual thing, where “I need to get my needs met” and “it needs to match my expectations”. Even she is–the difference is that she’s seeing it as about his needs rather than her own. Sex is supposed to be easy and frequent, and when it’s not, it’s now her problem to deal with, rather than their problem to deal with.

When the church frames sex so much in terms of 'him having needs', we make sex about entitlement.Click To Tweet
If people saw sex as being primarily about intimacy, then this wouldn’t happen

If we could stop talking about sex as primarily being about getting needs met, and start talking about sex as primarily being a vehicle through which you feel like one, then perhaps these problems could stop. You see, if sex were primarily about intimacy and that feeling like you’re totally and utterly connected to one another, then if someone is having a hard time with sex, it becomes your problem together, not just their problem that they need to go get fixed and then come back when you have it all together.

I understand that young men tend to have very high sex drives. I understand that there are a lot of expectations around sex when you first get married. But if people were taught that sex was about both of us together, not just me getting release, then perhaps we could learn to treat each other well rather than seeing sex as one big area of entitlement.

When things get rough, it’s easy to want to give up on sex.

One other point: it may not be in good taste to share this video in a post with such a heavy and difficult email, but it encapsulates the problem from the wife’s side, too: When sex becomes a tension in a marriage, it’s easy to think that the problem lies with sex. Get rid of sex, and our issues would go away.

That’s the approach he seems to be taking, and as far as I can see there are only two motivations: Either he is unhappy that sex is not better and is trying to punish her; or he is really frustrated and has decided that the only way to save himself further pain is to shut himself off.

It’s quite common to adopt that second approach when sex just hasn’t met your expectations:

I hope we can all admit that this is a really, really bad idea. But then how do we move forward and get past this?

Most people do not understand sex well.

Most people do not understand that sex doesn’t tend to start out well. They don’t know there’s a learning curve. They certainly don’t know that women require a ton of foreplay, and that the goal is not to get her to not need foreplay anymore so that she just enjoys intercourse, like he does. The goal is to enjoy each other and help both of you feel good, in the way that you need. His experience is not the standard so that she can “catch up” and like sex as much as he does; your bodies were made differently so that both of us would learn to be giving.

This does take time, and that’s okay.

Keep talking about the real goal.

So what would I say to this couple? I did email this woman back, and I told her something like this:

Both of you had really good intentions and expectations coming into marriage. You wanted to wait and save this for marriage. And you wanted sex to be awesome.

It didn’t turn out that way–and it usually doesn’t. We all have baggage that we bring into marriage to some extent, and you guys brought a ton in. That made sex difficult.

So you now have a choice. Can you let go of your dreams and expectations of what your sex life was going to look like, and just decide to love each other well now and start a huge research project together? Can you stop seeing sex as about what you both deserve, and instead see it as a way to love each other? You married each other for a reason; you cherished each other. This is your opportunity to prove it. Cherish each other. Be giving to each other. Be gracious to each other. And be excited to start this new journey where you learn together. And together is the operative word there. You both are going to have to work to figure this whole thing out.

But maybe that’s the way it’s supposed to be. Sex isn’t just about him and it isn’t just about her; it’s about both of you together. And when you do figure it out, it’s really quite amazing!

I then suggested to her that she do the 31 Days to Great Sex challenge with her husband.

In fact, I designed 31 Days a lot for couples just like this: Couples who want to have great sex, but who have given up or gotten discouraged. The first few challenges are basic but fun; they help you look at your goals for sex, the lies you’ve been believing about sex, and do some super fun preliminary exercises that can show that you both honestly can give each other pleasure!

Then in the next week we focus on building emotional intimacy and having fun together–how to flirt again, be affectionate, laugh together. After that, we move on to physical fireworks–how to actually have an orgasm; how to make sex feel great for both of you; how to figure out which body parts you each really like! Then we move on to spiritual intimacy and how to feel like one. We address some of the big elephants in the room and the sexual baggage you both have. We talk about how to figure out boundaries and how to make sure that porn or other things don’t wreck our marriage. And we make a plan to carry these lessons forward so we don’t lose them.

The biggest thing that people have told me after working through 31 days is that they finally were able to talk about a lot of these things and they had such breakthroughs.  This is quite typical of the emails I get:

My husband and I read 31 days to great sex and started talking about sex.  (we honestly read the whole book in just a few nights)  We started talking and a wall was lifted in our marriage.  I could literally cry typing this out.….So much has changed in 2 short months.  We have sex A LOT which has healed our marriage.  (we have been catching up for lost time!)

I keep the price really low–just $4.99 for the ebook, and it’s honestly a full sized book–just so that it’s accessible for people.

And I’ve divided the book up into emotional intimacy, physical intimacy and spiritual intimacy so that people learn that “this is more than physical.” It isn’t only about needs. It’s about something far deeper.

Whether you get the book or not, I hope that you can start that conversation about how to make sex about intimacy, not needs and expectations. But if you think the book can help, pick it up here!

Now I’d really love to talk about this question in the comments: Do we come into marriage thinking about sex too much as all about entitlement and needs? How can we change that conversation?

Marriage isn't supposed to be blah!

Sex is supposed to be stupendous--physically, emotionally, AND spiritually. If it's not, get The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex--and find out what you've been missing.

How to Help Your Husband Fight Temptation

Can your husband admit his faults to you? Can he come to you with his struggles?

Are you a safe place for your husband? I was thinking about this recently listening to a friend tell me her story. And it reminded me of a post I wrote a year and a half ago that most you likely haven’t seen. I think it’s worth running it again, so here goes:

One of the best things about marriage is that you have each other’s backs.

Two are better than one,
    because they have a good return for their labor:
 If either of them falls down,
    one can help the other up. (Ecclesiastes 4:9-10)

That’s beautiful–when one falls, one picks the other one up.

But early in my marriage, if Keith fell, he had to pretend he didn’t. He might come home bruised and bleeding, but he had to pretend everything was okay, because I couldn’t handle any of his weaknesses.

Now, we weren’t struggling with major areas of sin. It was just more sexual frustration on his part. But if he voiced any of that to me, then I would start thinking about how all men are perverts and about how he only wanted me for one thing. Like I explained in my book 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage, the way I was thinking was hurting our marriage and driving my husband away from me.

How Can 9 Thoughts Help My Marriage?
Sometimes the reason our marriages won’t grow is because we’re thinking about the marriage—and the problem—all wrong.

That’s what happened early in my marriage.

And in 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage, I show you 9 thought patterns that can change everything. And it’s not always about becoming nicer. Often it’s just about recognizing what is GOOD.

That may mean learning to confront sin. It may mean learning to own our own issues. But it always means learning to grow together, not apart.

Check it out here!

Here’s what I’ve seen again and again on this blog, from commenters and from people who email me: husbands admit something wrong, like porn use or being tempted to look at other women, and we wives hit the ceiling. We are absolutely devastated, and even if he tries to make it better, we can’t get over it. We’re convinced that our husband is evil, or that he’s a pervert, too.

And then something that could have been dealt with and worked through gets blown up so much that it does end up wrecking trust. So how can we do things differently?

When your husband admits to a sin, especially a sexual one, OF COURSE you will be hurt.

Absolutely. As his wife, you have the privileged position of being the only object of his sexual desire. If he violates that, you will be hurt.

But let me ask you this: In that hurt, can you keep perspective?


When your husband admits a struggle, you'll be hurt. But in that hurt, can you keep perspective?Click To Tweet

Let me tell you about a couple I know in their early 30s. They’re a ton of fun, they’re very open with each other about everything, and they have no secrets. He has struggled with pornography before and during their marriage, but he’s come through it and he’s doing his best to stay faithful.

Nevertheless, his eyes have always wandered. When he sees a beautiful woman, he looks.

But he doesn’t want to. And his wife knows he doesn’t want to. So if they’re out in public and his eyes–or his head–start turning, she touches his arm or his leg and just whispers, “eyes”. And he immediately turns to her and smiles, and, if he’s close enough, he gives her a kiss. And he whispers “I love you.”

Her husband is on the road to recovery with his battle with lust. He’s in an accountability group. He talks about it openly. And his wife is his greatest ally in that. 

In those moments when his head turns (and it turns much less frequently now than it used to!), she could say to herself,

he’s never going to get over this, he doesn’t find me attractive, he’s always going to lust over other women,

and she could get angry and grow distance between them.

Or, she could take her current approach. She could say to herself,

I know my husband loves me and that this is just a struggle for him. I know he doesn’t intend to do this and he doesn’t want to hurt me. So I’m going to help him.

This approach, of course, only works because her husband is grateful for it and is open about his struggle. There have been so many heartbreaking stories on this blog from women whose husbands did not want to stop looking at other women or did not think porn was wrong, and that is an entirely different situation.

But I do think that if husbands know that they can admit a temptation or a weakness without their wives becoming irate, then more people could talk about things before they got out of hand.

'If your husband's struggles incur your wrath, he'll have to fight temptation alone.'Click To Tweet
How Do You Become a Safe Place for Your Husband?

Keep perspective! If you find out something bad about him, like he was watching porn or struggling with lust or even texting another woman, ask yourself, “Is this who my husband wants to be, or is he struggling with something that he does want to fight against?”

If your husband is struggling, then fight with him.

Draw some boundaries so that it won’t happen again (like getting Covenant Eyes on your computers and devices or sharing passwords on your phone or changing his phone number), but then be on his side.

If he’s only upset that he got caught using porn, however, and doesn’t think you have a reason to be upset, then it’s best to bring in a third party or talk to someone else about how to walk through this.

But if he honestly wants to stop, then tell yourself: this sin and struggle is not bigger than our marriage and does not define my husband. And together we can beat it!

'If your husband struggles with porn & wants to stop, then fight WITH him, not AGAINST him. 'Click To Tweet
Confront your own insecurities.

When I got married I had a LOT of rejection issues. So whenever Keith would get upset about something I would go into “he’s going to leave me!” mode, and that made it harder for him to bring up conversations we really needed to have. You may have issues, too, that make it harder for your husband to bring up some stuff. If you’ve got negative views of sex, for instance, or really feel like “men only want one thing”, then if he confesses something, you’re likely going to react out of your own hurt and not only to what he’s saying.

So fill your head with truth! 

You may feel that God created sex just for men and that all men are perverts. But your head may know that God created sex for you, too, and that it’s not wrong if guys want sex. So when those feelings come over you, start reciting back the truth you know. Fight back!

Take time to digest news.

For me, this would be the hardest one. If your husband confesses something that has the potential to blow up your marriage, it’s likely a good idea to not hash it all through right then. Take a few days to process with a girlfriend, to tell yourself truth about your husband and your marriage, and to figure out what you’re going to do.

Those days are important for two reasons: sometimes women are so desperate to save the marriage that they “forgive” too easily–they say, “it’s all right, everything will be all right, we’ll move forward from here.” Often people learn by experiencing the consequences of their actions, and they need to feel the pain of doing something wrong. By taking a few days, you help give perspective that, “no, this wasn’t okay, and we do need to figure out how to make sure it doesn’t happen again.”

But then there’s the opposite problem, when women are so upset that they make it sound like the marriage has ended, when it hasn’t. Take some time to process and pray, and then you can figure out what the next rebuilding steps are (and sometimes rebuilding means drawing some major boundaries!).

Most problems in marriage can be solved if both parties are willing to work at it.

I once had a marriage mentor tell me that if both people are willing to work at a marriage, 95% of problems can be solved, no matter how big those problems are. But if only one person is willing to work at it, then less than half of problems can be solved, no matter how small.

If your husband messed up, it’s easy to say that it’s his fault if the marriage is on the rocks.

But if he’s willing to work at it and willing to change, then the ball is back in your court. Are you going to work with your husband, or are you going to stay upset?

Does that make sense? I know that if a guy isn’t willing to work at it there really is nothing you can do except for pray, but if a guy is willing to work, then let’s not make it worse. That’s all I mean. I hope that’s not a harsh thing to say. Let me know in the comments what you think!