Sheila Wray Gregoire's Blog, page 135

When Should I Be Concerned That’s Something’s Wrong with My Husband’s Genitals?

Could something be wrong with my husband’s man parts?

Yes, I really do write about weird things here on To Love, Honor and Vacuum! Every Wednesday for the last nine years I’ve written a Wifey Wednesday post about marriage. But lately almost everything I write is about marriage, so instead I’ve tried to focus on a different subject every week. And this week we’re talking about our bodies and health issues! I dealt with yeast infections on Monday and how women can get to know their bodies better yesterday.

But today I want to talk about when to know when something’s wrong with our husband’s body. Because let’s face it: we often don’t have anything to compare it to. How can we really tell what’s normal and what’s not? So I thought today I’d list some red flags that people should be aware of when it comes to your husband’s sexual organs!

Now, some problems are acute and bring major pain, and with those you’d probably notice that something was up and you’d get to a doctor anyway (an erection that won’t go away; a testicle twisting and turning on itself; an inguinal hernia (part of the bowel descending into the scrotum, which would be painful). But some problems don’t cause pain and aren’t sudden, and for those we may let things slide when we really shouldn’t. So here’s some you should get looked at!

The nitty gritty: How to tell if something's really wrong with your husband's 'man parts'!Click To Tweet

If his penis is crooked when erect

A few weeks ago I wrote about “chordee“, a genetic issue where a boy’s penis slopes downward or is curved in an unusual way. It’s definitely important to have this treated when the boy is young!

But grown men can also have a form of it, not necessarily due to a birth issue but perhaps due to an injury. Scar tissue can cause a man’s penis to not be able to be straight, which can be a real hindrance to good sex.

Here’s what one reader wrote me:

Pyronie’s is a scar tissue disorder than only shows up after injury, and usually later in life (and, in most cases, the man is not even aware of the injury because the scar tissue slowly forms, until one day they say the bending seemed to show up overnight, according to the Urologist we saw). Now that my husband and I have a name for this (which is such a blessing to at least have a label to work with!), I was shocked and intrigued by a lot of the statistics I found on the Pyronie’s Association page.

About 1 out of 11 men have it, and the majority of men accrue it later in life, in the middle-age time of life (from their mid 20’s to 70’s).

It was very delicate for me to bring up the topic with my husband that something might be off (he has had this from as early as he can remember, so he thought this was the normal way a guy looks when erect), and once we went to the appointment and he saw pictures of a “normal” erection it was shocking news to him. 

I think her latter point is so crucial–many men who have this have absolutely no idea that something is “off”. We just don’t have anything to compare it to. I had one woman write to me after reading The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, where I described what an erect penis would look like, that she finally realized that something really was wrong with her husband (and they sought help).

If your husband can’t get or sustain erections–especially if he could in the past

I’ve long talked on the blog about how most new cases of erectile dysfunction today actually occur in young men, because they’ve grown up with porn and they’re not able to get aroused by a real woman. They’ve rewired their brain and it’s done a real number on their ability to even have sex.

But what if your husband COULD have erections, and then all of a sudden he stops being able to?

As men age, the chances of getting erectile dysfunction do increase. However, just because it’s more common doesn’t mean it should be ignored. Erections are basically dependent upon good circulation, because blood has to be able to get to the right place in a hurry–and stay there. If a guy doesn’t have good circulation, then hat’s going to impede erections. And not having good circulation is a bad thing, in and of itself. It could signal some heart issues, and definitely needs to be looked at.

It could also be an early warning sign of diabetes or kidney problems. I know guys don’t want to talk to their doctors about this sort of thing, but it really is necessary. And most doctors hear so much about this that they’re not squeamish about it at all. So go get the work up. It’s worth it.

If you find lumps that may feel like “pebbles” in his testicles
Please remember: the vast majority of lumps in the testicles are not anything to worry about. But if you do find lumps, please get them checked out, because they may be the first signs of several different types of cancer. Lumps, no matter where they occur, always need to be checked out. I have a good friend who discovered his cancer this way, and he’s in treatment and doing great.

And, hey, it’s always a good idea to check for lumps, too!

If his foreskin won’t move

If your husband isn’t circumcised, there are a few problems which may flare up. One is called phimosis, when the foreskin won’t retract and gets really tight. The other is paraphimosis, when the foreskin won’t go back after being pulled back. This can cause the head of the penis to get red and inflamed.

See a doctor! In minor cases there are steroid topical creams that can help; if it’s a big problem or a recurrent problem, he may need to be circumcised.

If you ever hear a “crack”

If you’re ever making love and you hear a distinct “crack” and he loses his erection, that is very very very bad. Don’t delay going to see a doctor! He could have a penile fracture, which really needs some help or you could end up with major scar tissue which can cause some serious problems.

I know I said I’d only deal with chronic problems and not acute ones, but this is so serious that I really want to drive the message home: go see a doctor!

Certain sexual positions are really more dangerous for him than others. Think of it this way: Any position where, if something suddenly got jarred would result in all of your weight falling down on his erect penis, is likely a definitely bad idea.

Examples might be:

He’s standing up and holding you against him with your legs around him (think what would happen if he lost hold of you!).
You’re on a counter or a risen surface while he’s standing (if you fall forward–bad idea)

Or anything where he could suddenly be jarred or bent, like:

If you’re on top but you’re leaning seriously backwards (and could pull him in the wrong direction)
If he’s coming completely out of you while thrusting and then re-entering–if he misses on an approach, that could be really, really bad.



5 Medical Issues with Male Genitalia that Should Never be IGNORED:Click To Tweet
If in doubt, see a doctor

I get a lot of emails from people describing things that sound quite serious. And the women ask, “does he need to go to see a doctor?”

I understand that in the United States, this may be more of an issue, especially if you don’t have health insurance or if you have huge deductibles. But this is one part of the anatomy you really don’t want to be messing with! And many things are so much better if they’re dealt with earlier. Take a simple infection. Get treated early and it’s no problem. Let it fester and you may develop scar tissue and even start creating the perfect conditions for Pyronie’s to start (where his penis gets crooked).

So, please, if you’re worried, get some help!

Now let me know: Any horror stories in your past? Or any questions you have? Let’s talk in the comments!

 

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10 Resources to Help You Get More Comfortable with Your Body

Do you find it hard to get comfortable with your body?

And is part of the problem that you just don’t understand how your body works?

A reader just sent me this question:

Recently I was talking to some friends and we agreed that growing up as conservative Christians we didn’t always receive the best education on sex or even the basics of how our bodies are supposed to work. This is especially true when it comes to integrating physical and spiritual health. We’ve done our own research, but we would love to find more good resources that address these issues from a Christian perspective.

So today, for Top 10 Tuesday, I thought I’d list 10 resources that can really help you understand your body better and even feel comfortable with your body. So many of us grow up with a lot of shame, and it’s time to combat that! I’m going to list 10 things that I think are really helpful. Zero in on the one or two that address things you struggle with the most, and check them out!

And thanks to the many people who have suggested many of these resources to me! These are all reader-approved and reader-recommended, so I hope you find them useful, too!

1. The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex

Of course every woman needs The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex! My most popular book, it covers how God made sex to be awesome in 3 ways: physically, spiritually, and emotionally. And it tells you how to get to awesome, too, if you’re just not there yet!

I think as Christians we perhaps talk about the spiritual aspect mostly, and we do it in ways that aren’t really necessarily that helpful to people: “Sex is so beautiful when it’s between two married people!” (Yes, but what does BEAUTIFUL actually mean? And HOW is it beautiful?). “Making love is so profound.” (Yes, but isn’t it supposed to feel good, too?).

If you’re like this woman and you grew up in a very conservative household where sex just wasn’t talked about, then you definitely need this book! I’ve had people write to me who thought something was wrong with their sex life but they couldn’t even articulate it. It turns out they didn’t know where the vagina was (one woman thought it was supposed to go into her belly button). Another couple had never consummated their marriage because it turns out he wasn’t getting erections. But they didn’t know that!

But even if you’re not naive, The Good Girl’s Guide can help you see sex as far more than just physical, and it can help you experience the profound nature of sex, too. And it’s written like I’m just a fun big sister talking to you, so it’s not embarrassing or anything.

Check it out here!

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2. Dr. Carol’s Guide to Women’s Health

It’s like a health version of The Good Girl’s Guide–but instead of just addressing sex, Dr. Carol looks at all aspects of a woman’s body, and what you need to know.

Dr Carol’s Guide to Women’s Health: Take Charge of Your Physical and Emotional Wellbeing will help women feel as though they are talking to a trusted friend, who is also an OB-Gyn physician. This guide offers medical science, the author’s practical experience, and a faith perspective to the spectrum of physical and mental health issues women face throughout the various stages of their lives.

Some of the topics addressed include what’s normal and what’s not, pelvic/genital pain, abnormal bleeding, infertility, menopause, hormones, healthy eating, managing your weight, staying younger longer, diseases that especially affect women, women’s mental health, healthy sexuality, healthy spirituality, and more. It’s all you need to “get” your body!

3. Taking Charge of Your Fertility

Probably the resource that is recommended to me the most about understanding your reproductive cycle is Taking Charge of Your Fertility. Whether you’re trying to get pregnant, or trying NOT to get pregnant, this book will help you understand the natural rhythms of  your body. And when you understand that, you’re far more likely to give yourself a break when you get moody, to prepare beforehand for cramps, to not worry so much that you’re going to have an unexpected pregnancy, and so much more!

My 22-year-old married daughter was telling me yesterday how millennials are really moving away from The Pill and hormonal birth control methods and more towards understanding fertility. I think that’s a great trend.

Plus, it’s just a confidence booster. 

4. iPeriod App

Along with great information on understanding how your cycle works, how about trying an app that will help you track your cycle and predict when you’ll get especially moody, hungry, crampy, or even more in the mood! I talk about the benefits of tracking your cycle quite a bit in my Boost Your Libido course, and I’m a big fan of apps that help you do that, because I think they empower women to not feel so at the whim of their bodies. When we know what’s happening and why, it’s easier to deal with it. My youngest daughter gains about 3-4 pounds before her period every month. When she forgets that her period is coming, she often goes through this self-flaggelation about how she has to exercise more. But when she realizes, “oh, yeah, it’s just time,” then it’s no big deal.

I like iPeriod, but you can test different ones to see what works for you!

5. Boost Your Libido Course

One of the biggest problems when it comes to our sex lives is that most women just don’t understand how libido works for us. We think we should automatically be “in the mood” and breathless when he walks in the room, and when we’re not, we figure that we just don’t want sex.

And then we feel like failures, and like we’re disappointing our husbands, and that leads us on a never-ending negative spiral that makes the problem worse.

I created this online course to help women reclaim our sex drives–mostly by understanding how they work in the first place! I want to share two comments I’ve had from women taking the course:

We have been married 25 years and I am not sure that I ever saw sex as hot and holy at the same time. It was life changing for me to allow myself to think about sex with my husband and to look forward to it and think I can enjoy it and feeling pleasure is a good thing that God even wants me to enjoy in my marriage.  I am working through the course and can see a number of lies I have mistakenly believed for a LONG time.  How refreshing to talk about these important topics in a safe and Godly way. And it has opened up conversations between me and my husband we should have had years ago.

Here’s another:

I am in my sixties, married for almost 30 years. We even saw a sex therapist some years ago, yet this is the first time I have understood some of the aspects of female sexuality and arousal that you explain.

Awesome! Don’t wait until you’ve been married for 25 years or until you’re 60 to truly “get” this! Check it out now.

6. Trim Healthy Mama

Do you struggle with your weight? Have you tried everything to lose weight, but feel hopeless? Or are you simply overwhelmed with all the information on sugar and hormones and low carb/low fat/vegan/supplements and all that other stuff on the internet?

I have so many readers who swear by Trim Healthy Mama. They have an awesome program to help you understand how your unique body works, along with recipes, podcasts, and more.

See them here!

Many of us grow up ignorant about how our bodies work. 10 amazing resources to remedy that:Click To Tweet
7. Getting a Massage–or Learning to Give a Great Massage!

Often we feel so awkward in our bodies that our bodies themselves start to seem very negative. So how do you start feeling positive about your body? Let it feel absolutely amazing.

I find massages are almost indispensable to feeling well. I have a lot of back and posture issues, but my husband and I make it a point to do some serious massage sessions a few times a week (and having them naked is always fun!), and that helps a tremendous amount.

Many sexual assault survivors and abuse survivors find that learning to give and receive massages is also a way to get comfortable with touch again.

I love Denis Merkas’ massage videos for couples. You can take his Melt Massage course, and learn to give amazing massages to each other, with short lessons every night that build on each other, until you’re able to give an amazing 30 minute massage.

Sign up for his free mini-course here!

8. Trying Some Stretching and Strength Exercises

Next to massage, probably the thing that feels the best for my body is simply stretching. I LOVE to stretch. And when I don’t stretch I feel really stiff.

Here’s what I love about stretching, too: I get to actually FEEL my body instead of ignoring it. I think so many of us walk around uncomfortable and ashamed of our bodies and so we try to ignore them. But when we stretch, we feel what they can do.

And when we do some basic strength training, we can feel strong and powerful.

A number of readers have also recommended Fit2B, an online video-based fitness program with a TON of different courses you can take to help you with your fitness. And they’re led by women just like you–no supermodels in ridiculously little clothing. Just moms in their homes.

They have stretching courses, strength training courses, core courses, and more! And they’re focused on the tummy issues that moms often have after giving birth–and strengthening that area, too.

Check out all their courses here! A few I love–their Pilates routines, and their Amazing Arms routines.

9. Dress Your Truth Course

What if you’re uncomfortable with your body simply because you don’t feel like you ever look good? You have no idea what clothes to put on your body to feel pretty–or even to feel like yourself!

I’ve had a number of readers tell me that they’ve find Dress Your Truth to be a lifesaver. Dress Your Truth doesn’t focus on body size as much as it does fashion personality. We all have one of four personality types when it comes to fashion, and until you understand what style actually fits your personality, you won’t feel good in your clothes. And then the course shows you how to pick clothes that fit your personality style that also fit your body!

I love the starting point–YOU! It’s not someone else’s idea of beauty. It’s understanding who you actually are and what makes you you, and then figuring out how to portray that in your clothing.

10. A Comfortable (and even luxurious) Bathroom Kit

Bad breath. Stinky armpits. Acne.

Remember being 13 and being worried that everyone in the world felt you stank and that you were ugly? Your body was offensive to everyone around you. And you had no idea how often to shower and how often to wash your hair and sometimes you still forgot to brush your teeth.

Sometimes those days are really traumatic, and we feel such shame and awkwardness about our bodies that we never seem to grow out of it. We still worry that our body is offensive to everyone.

So how do you get over it? Here’s where I’d like your input in the comments!

I think every woman needs luxurious things in her bathroom that let her say: I am beautiful. Not only is my body not offensive–it smells nice and fresh and it looks taken care of.

And that can be hard if you don’t have a big bathroom or if your bathtub is taken over by rubber duckies and toys.

So here’s what I’d like to brainstorm about: I think every woman needs a pretty basket with all of her grooming supplies inside: a super great razor or something else to handle unwanted hair; a great soap or safe body wash; a loofah; a pumice stone; a great face wash and moisturizer; a body spray; or anything else you think! Stuff that will help you to feel–I’ve got this under control.

When you grow up with a mom who may not do this well, then the drug store can feel overwhelming. So what items would you add? I’ll do a post on it soon, but I’d love your input!

So there you go–10 resources that will help women feel more comfortable about their bodies and know their bodies better. Now let’s talk in the comments–have you ever used any of these resources? Did they help you? And what would you put in that bathroom basket?

 

 

 

 

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Reader Question: How Do I Stop Getting Yeast Infections?

Yeast infections are horrible. They’re itchy, embarrassing, and make everything you do uncomfortable.

I’ve always said to my daughters that I’d rather be nauseous and throwing up all day than be itchy–I seriously hate it. And itchiness “down there” is even worse.

Every Monday I like to post a Reader Question and take a stab at answering it. Here’s one that I get rather frequently:

Do you have any tips for clearing up yeast infections? I had a terribly frustrating time this month with a heavy period followed by a yeast infection (and to add insult to injury, a cold sore). My husband was having a stressful time at work, but I just wasn’t able to offer him much-needed physical intimacy, especially with the 7-day cream.

This is something we need to talk about because they are relatively easy to prevent and treat! So I sent my daughter Rebecca on a research trip to come up with some ideas. Here are some tips to help you prevent and some ways to treat yeast infections, brought to you by both of us after scouring the research:

Preventing Yeast Infections


Great tips to prevent and treat yeast infections--stop the itch!Click To Tweet

When it comes to yeast infections, prevention really boils down to having good hygiene and health habits mixed with understanding what causes yeast infections. In your body, your vagina is at a certain acidity level. This monitors how much yeast is able to grow. When you do things that change the acidity level, yeast may be able to grow much more easily, causing a yeast infection. (Oversimplified, but that’s in general what happens.) If you make changes to your lifestyle to keep everything in balance, it’s less likely you’ll have an infection.

There are three general things you can do to help prevent yeast infections:

1. Change what you wear

A lot of the “comfort clothes” we love so much may be a part of the problem. Synthetic materials found in yoga pants, leggings, and other workout clothes often allow for limited airflow, and can trap in moisture. This can cause the infection to grow. Try to avoid tight clothing such as tights, leggings, or even tight jeans if this is a recurring issue. Instead of sitting around in sweaty workout clothes or wearing tight pants, look for clothing made from natural fibers such as cotton, which allows your body to breathe. At night time, sleep in a flowing nightgown–without any underwear!

2. Balance out your diet

One reason you may be experiencing continual yeast infections could be your diet. Eating a lot of sugar-heavy foods can actually act as fuel for yeast infections, since yeast feeds off of sugar. Try to limit sugar-high foods or foods that contain yeast, such as breads or some alcoholic drinks (beer, for instance). Instead, eating a balanced diet of including many fruits and veggies can help your body find a natural balance.

3. Monitor your hygiene practices

A lot of this can come down to how you’re cleaning yourself “down there.” Some women are simply more prone to yeast infections than others, so it may not be that you’re unhygienic as much as it is that your body requires extra care.

Here are some things to try if you have had yeast infections in the past:

Change your underwear multiple times a day. You want to keep the area dry, so if you notice you tend to become musky down there halfway through the day, start changing your underwear more often. If yeast infections are a recurring issue, perhaps try to change twice or three times a day instead of only once. Changing frequently makes it easier to keep everything clean and fresh.
Do not use a douche. Many women use a douche to cleanse after having sex or after their period, but this is actually quite counter-productive for yeast infections. Your body contains all sorts of bacteria–good bacteria and bad bacteria. A douche doesn’t discriminate between the two, and just gets rid of it all, which means you actually become more likely to get a yeast infection.
Take special care to wash yourself. While you’re in the shower, don’t just skip over your vaginal area. Take a mild soap and make sure to clean out not just the general area but in all the folds, as well, as that is normally where bacteria will gather. Rinse well and dry well when you exit the shower.
Cut down on scented products. If you’ve been using a heavily scented soap in the shower, throw it away! Find a milder, unscented version that will cause less agitation. Same rule applies for any hygiene product that will come near your vagina (e.g., bubble baths, scented sprays). This also includes any pads or tampons you use–if they are dyed or scented, throw them away for non-dyed, unscented versions.
Don’t wear to underwear to bed if you can avoid it. Wearing a nightgown? Go commando! Let your vagina breathe.
Use natural menstrual products. Many women get yeast infections right after their period, and this could be caused by chemicals in pads and tampons (even bleach). Femallay sells natural cotton reusable pads, as well as cups and sea sponges that can replace tampons. Check them out!

Treating Yeast Infections

If you have a yeast infection, there are definitely ways to treat it. Once you start treatment, it should clear up pretty quickly. If it doesn’t, see a doctor.

Here are the general two ways to go about treating it:

See a medical professional

Especially if this is your first yeast infection, this is just generally a good idea. Itchiness in the vaginal area can be caused by more than just yeast infections, and so it’s good to get those ruled out so that you don’t use any creams on something that isn’t actually a yeast infection. Most doctors will prescribe a yeast infection cream that you can get at a local pharmacy, and some are even available over the counter. So medicated ointments and creams is an option.

Try Some Home Remedies

There are many home remedies that are posited to work such as tea-tree oil and garlic, but the one that seems to have the most science behind it is simply adding more probiotics into your diet, either through supplements (making sure there are live bacterial agents in them) or through yogurt that contains probiotics. Not all yogurts are created equal, so make sure you’re getting one with live culture.

In general, however, treatment follows the same guidelines as prevention. Make sure you’re staying clean, dry, and well-ventilated; have a healthy diet that limits sugars/yeast products and provides you with great “good” bacteria; and follow any recommendations that your doctor gives.

When Yeast Infections Are More Likely to Flare Up

Okay, that’s the general information. Now what about some specific scenarios?

Be Extra Careful When on Antibiotics

Antibiotics often trigger yeast infections. That’s because it’s “good” bacteria in your vaginal area that keeps yeast at the proper level. Antibiotics, though, are non-discriminatory. They don’t just kill bad bacteria; they kill the good stuff, too. So then the yeast has a party and multiplies like crazy.

Some women are far more prone to yeast infections when on antibiotics than others. If it always triggers a yeast infection in you, it’s a good idea to ask the doctor for some preventative medication beforehand. And then, of course, take all of these precautions, too!

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What About Yeast Infections Every Time You Have Sex?

I have several friends that find that yeast infections are chronic, and sex makes them worse. It’s like every time they make love they trigger an infection! So after reading some of the OBY/GYN literature, here’s what I’ve managed to come up with.

It could be that you have a chronic yeast infection that has never cleared up

It may not be that sex is causing the yeast infection; it may be that you have the infection all the time and you feel it more after sex, because of the aggravation and friction. Talk to your doctor about this and go on some serious treatment for a time. Meanwhile, take lots of probiotics and supplements.

It could be that you are passing it back and forth

While some literature claims that yeast infections aren’t like STDs and aren’t passed from each other, anecdotal evidence seems to say the exact opposite. So have your husband up his yogurt intake, too–and maybe even some supplements! Wear a condom for a time. See if that can help.

It could be an untreated STD

It may not even be a yeast infection. Itchiness and aggravation isn’t always a yeast infection, though that’s what we often assume. If it’s almost constant, or gets worse after sex, just go to see your doctor and make sure it isn’t something else.

You may need to start a real cleanse

The people that I have read about who had this as a chronic problem who finally got over it almost all did some sort of radical cleanse. They had been seeing doctors who kept giving them medication which never really fixed the problem. And it makes sense, really, because if you’re getting them all the time, then it’s a sign that your body’s balance is seriously out of whack. And medication can’t fix that. It may temporarily fix the symptoms, but it’s going to keep happening.

In that case, what you may need to do is first get rid of as many chemicals as possible in what you use to wash yourself and your clothes. Go to natural soaps. Avoid parabens and even glycerines. Whatever you do, don’t use anything with alcohol to clean your vaginal area.

Then you may need to radically change your diet. Consult a dietician or naturopath about going on a major sugar purge and even gluten purge. For some women, a few months of that can reset everything, deal with possible adrenal fatigue which could be making it worse, and then get your pH balance set right again.

To be totally honest, doctors aren’t the best help with this (and I speak as the wife of an awesome physician). They’re not always the best at chronic problems that need major diet and environmental changes to cure; they’re better at acute problems that need help here and now. So if you’re getting nowhere with drugstore help, then maybe it’s time to start a real cleanse.

Okay, that’s what we came up with! Now, anyone else have experience with treating chronic yeast infections? What worked for you? Let’s talk in the comments!

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Easter Means that the Old Can Be New Again

I love the Easter season.

But when I was writing a column in our local paper for 12 years, holidays always proved a bit of a challenge. You had to address the holiday, of course, but how do you say something new every year?

One year, though, I thought I did a good job. And so I’d like to present one of my favourite Easter columns. I hope you like it, too:

Of course the Easter bunny is cute.

No one disputes that. I only have a problem with the fact that he’s both a male and a mammal. Maybe the Easter bunny is supposed to be a girl, but I always hear him referred to as “he”. And he brings eggs. Mammals don’t lay eggs.

I’m not sure why we’re supposed to reinforce this biological impossibility to our children, but it’s the culturally appropriate thing to do. The boy bunny brings the eggs, which is probably why he hides them, because the only way for him to get them in the first place is to steal them. So I guess the whole bunny-bringing-eggs thing is really symbolism of hiding one’s sins.

But I digress. The point is that if we really cared about kids’ education we wouldn’t have an Easter bunny at all. We would have an Easter Chicken or an Easter Penguin. They both have cute babies. Of course, reptiles and fish lay eggs, too, but no one could quite buy the Easter Gecko or the Easter Guppy. But the Easter bunny is rather ridiculous.

Because of this our little family has never really embraced the Holiday Figure fever that is best evidenced by the displays near the cash at Wal-Mart every few months or so.

We’re not into Santa, either, because quite frankly a jolly elf delivering presents down chimneys makes no sense. So we’re spoilsports, I suppose, much to the consternation of Grandma and Grandpa. Even the tooth fairy is rather odd. What is she supposed to do with all those teeth she buys, anyway? The girls have always known it is the Tooth Daddy, and that half the time Daddy forgets to put the money under the pillow, so now they just raid our wallets. The romance is gone, but the end result is the same.

Perhaps another reason I’ve never embraced the Holiday Figure theme is that the holidays themselves have deep significance, and I have always felt like the figures cheapened that a little bit.

I know not everyone agrees with me, but when I think of Easter I don’t think of bunnies, though I’ll gladly accept any chocolate anyone wants to send my way. I think of new life. That’s the original, sacred message. We don’t have to carry our burdens anymore. God’s paid the price, and He wants to offer us a new beginning.

Maybe you’re not into the religious aspect of the season, but I hope the meaning itself, of new beginnings, still resonates with you. That, of course, is why we have the eggs. There is new hope and new life, which is the resurrection theme. And so my thoughts turn, as they do every year around this time, to what in my life needs a new breath of life.

What needs a new beginning in your life?

Maybe you need to be freed of pain from your childhood, which has haunted you and is hurting your relationships today. Perhaps this could be the season when you go to that church on Easter Sunday, when you find a good counselor, when you join a support group, or even when you reach out and tell a loved one your real story. Maybe you need to forgive someone something big. It doesn’t seem fair to forgive (it really never is), but to hold on to the bitterness and anger is only hurting you, and is making any hope of restored relationships impossible.

Maybe you need to reach out to a daughter-in-law, a mother-in-law, a son-in-law. Maybe you need to reach out to the spouse who sleeps next to you every night, but whom you rarely speak to on any deep level. Maybe it’s time to really share what is in your heart.

One of my favourite lines in fiction is found in Anne of Green Gables, when Anne turns to Marilla and says, “Isn’t it wonderful that tomorrow is a day with no mistakes in it yet?” That’s the spirit of Easter—forgiveness, second chances, a breath of fresh air, a communion with the spiritual. We all need that. So when you’re eating your chocolate eggs, pause and remember their real significance. Everything old can be new again. Even you.

Happy Easter, everybody!

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What the United Airlines Fiasco Teaches Us About Marriage

I have gotten virtually no work done for the last two days.

I’ve been riveted by the United Airlines story that I’m sure you’ve all heard about–when the Aviation Security Guards in Chicago forcibly and violently dragged a 69-year-old male physician from a plane, all bloodied, because he didn’t want to give up his rightly paid for seat, where he had already been seated, so that United employees could fly to Louisville.

I’ve been reading all the memes (some of them are REALLY funny!); reading the commentary; scrutinizing the CEO’s statements.

And at first I thought that I was riveted because I identified so much with the doctor.

My family and I fly a lot; and we’ve been bumped. We’ve been seated in airplanes that had to be emptied out because they decided they needed it elsewhere. I’ve even taken that $400 or $800 voucher a few times.

And I’ve found that airline employees are some of the rudest people on earth. When your flight is cancelled because of the fault of the airline, do they apologize? Do they walk up and down the line of customers trying to keep you informed of what’s going on? Do they give you free food and a comfortable place to sit? Do they bring in more staff to help with the problem?

Nope. They make you stand in a tremendously long line with all of the other hundreds of people on your flight for several hours as the two people at the ticket counter shrug, saying, “It’s not my fault,” and work at the pace of molasses to rebook everyone.

I don’t take things like this very well. I get upset about the “principle of the thing” far too often, and I’ve actually led revolts of passengers on two separate plane trips–once in Minnesota with Air Canada when our flight was cancelled, but there was no one at the ticket counter doing anything, and hundreds of people standing around not knowing what was going on. I dragged out an employee, drilled him, and started making announcements to all the passengers myself. I became the spokesperson since Air Canada was saying nothing.

Then in Nairobi, Kenya, we were all at the gate when they announced that our plane would be eight hours late. That’s routine and acceptable, and wouldn’t be so bad, except that in Nairobi, once you’re in the gate there’s no access to washrooms or food or drink. So I made a huge stink and they brought us all some food and drink and every 15 minutes escorted anyone to the washroom who wanted to go.

So as I was watching the video of this poor man on United, I was texting my girls saying, “You know that would have been me. You know I would have refused to go just because of the principle of it.” And they both agreed.

But the more I think about it, the more I think that the real lesson here is that inside all of us there’s a little bit of United Airlines.

And that’s what I want to talk about today.

What the United Airlines fiasco can teach us about marriage:Click To Tweet
When we get focused on our agenda, we ruin relationships.

United Airlines had an agenda: get as much profit as possible. They needed those four flight crew in a different airport so that they could operate a plane; if they didn’t get there, a whole plane would have been disrupted. Better to disrupt four in Chicago than a whole plane load later.

All of us have agendas. Maybe it’s things we want our kids to do, or our boss, or even our husbands. We want things a certain way. And when we get focused on what we want, we often end up hurting those around us.

When we get focused on our agenda, we stop seeing the humanity in others.

Do you know why those four people (and especially that man) mattered more than the planeload of people at the other end? Because those four people are people, too. And people are not just numbers to use or numbers to crunch. They deserve respect.

Here’s what I’ve seen in marriage, though: when we get disappointed in our spouse, we stop seeing him as a person with needs and feelings and we start seeing him as an obstacle to our own happiness.

I’m thinking of one relationship I know where she is incensed that her husband works so much and often does double shifts and never helps with their kids (and they have a bunch under the age of 6). She’s super tired and really misses her old life when she could go out with friends and do fun things. So she’s constantly angry and on edge that everything is her responsibility. When he has to work on the weekend she complains to no end. And a few months ago, when he wanted to play golf on a Saturday, she almost had a conniption.

But what she’s not seeing is that he has needs, too. And the reason that he’s working so many double shifts is that she insisted she wanted to buy a bigger house, which they did, but that put them in debt. He didn’t think it was wise financially, but she really wanted it. He’s trying to keep her happy, but she doesn’t see it, because all she wants is time to herself. So every time he does something that takes him away–even if it’s for work–she gets angry. And that’s made him not want to be home.

She’s forgotten that he may have emotional needs, too. She doesn’t see how if she said “thank you” sometimes and asked how rough his day was and simply expressed how much she appreciates the house it could change the whole dynamic.

But she just doesn’t see it. She simply sees him as always wrong and a really bad father.

And the sad thing is that I know that women who do the same thing who are reading this article likely won’t even see themselves in this. When you are so focused on your agenda and you’re so sure you’re right you get an incredibly huge blind spot where you don’t see what you’re doing to other people.

That’s why Oscar Munoz (the CEO of United) committed that absolutely atrocious blunder in his original statement when he said, “I apologize for having to re-accommodate these passengers.” Re-accommodate?!? The internet’s having a field day with that. But Munoz didn’t even see how tone deaf that would seem because he’s caught up in his own agenda, and he’s incapable of viewing his passengers through any lens other than the profit one.

When you start seeing your husband only through the lens of what makes you happy, and not through what makes him tick, then you become the bad guy.

Do we really get this? Seriously, I have listened to a good friend of mine tell me everything that is wrong with her husband for years, but lately we had it out and I forced her to see that her husband was actually trying hard–she just wasn’t seeing it. And I think it finally hit her, that she’d been ungrateful for all of his efforts over the years to make her happy.

The reason they were in debt was not that he wasn’t good with money; it’s because she wanted a lot, and he couldn’t say no. And so she’s angry at him, when the fault was not his. And the longer this went on, the more sympathy I had for him. It’s not that he was perfect by any stretch of the imagination; but when you become completely oblivious to someone else’s feelings because you’re so sure you’re right, you often become a very hardened caricature of a person, exactly like Munoz. You may be great to everyone else, but not to him.

We're rightly incensed at United Airlines. But let's not make their mistakes in our relationshipsClick To Tweet
When we spend years focused on our agenda, we sometimes do terrible things we never dreamed we’d do

My son-in-law, after seeing that United video, made the comment, “why didn’t the outraged passengers just get in the aisle and block them from dragging off the guy?”

Here’s my theory: when you listen to the video, the passengers are shocked that this actually happened. Even though they had heard the crew try to get the man to leave the plane, and even though the security guards had boarded, no one actually believed that he would be dragged off like that.

Do you remember what happened with Flight 93 on September 11? (of course you do). The first three planeloads of people obeyed the hijackers, like they’d been told. But with Flight 93, the passengers and crew knew what had happened on the previous three planes, and it changed everything. So they decided to fight back.

I have a feeling that if ANY airline EVER called in security to remove a peaceful, law-abiding passenger again, the passengers would revolt. We’ve all seen what can happen now, so it’s become that possibility we never would have imagined before.

But it happened this time because physically dragging someone out of his seat was simply not contemplated by anyone. It’s too horrible to imagine.

When we become laser-like focused on our own agenda, though, we start to do things we could never have imagined ourselves doing. We become grumpy and surly. We become rude, and that’s just not who we are (I’ve heard spouses say such cutting things to each other that they would never dream of saying to anyone else. It’s not who they are; but their agenda has taken over, and they’ve become a different person with their spouse).

And I’ve seen people get into emotional and physical affairs, after never believing they’d be capable of that, because they’ve been so focused on how badly their spouse is treating them that they have no awareness of how badly they are treating their spouse.

The Bible calls it hardening your heart. Beware, because it can happen to anyone as soon as our agenda takes over. And if you fear that lately you’ve been hardening your heart towards your spouse, then that’s okay–because awareness is the first step to recovery. Pray that God will help you see clearly. Pray that you will be able to see your own shortcomings. Learn how to seek out the good in him and call it out. Become the kind of person you actually want to be again. And don’t let yourself become a caricature of the very thing you’re accusing your husband of being.

If you have trouble with this, my book 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage spends the first half on helping us do exactly that: get our own hearts right and make sure that we’re calling out the good in our spouse. It’s only when we’re doing that–when we’re honest with ourselves and when we’re treating him well, that we can even begin to address any other issues in the marriage well. And often when we start deliberately noticing the good, and deliberately thanking him, and deliberately taking responsibility for our own feelings, those other issues we thought we had fall by the wayside.

Don’t become United Airlines. Pick up 9 Thoughts and see how different your marriage can actually be!

Now, let me know in the comments: have you seen people absolutely oblivious to how bad they’re being in their marriage? Why do you think they were so oblivious? Let’s talk about it!

 

 

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8 Steps to a Better Sex Life when Pregnant

How can you have a good sex life when you’re pregnant?

I mean, sex is a beautiful thing, right?

We all know we’re supposed to agree with that. And sex, after all, is what gives you that beautiful joy of creating new life!

But let’s be honest. When you’re pregnant and you feel like a beached whale, or when you’re bone tired and you spend your life dreaming of food that will actually stay down, sex is probably the last thing on your mind.

Pregnant sex sounds about as unappealing as smelling spicy food when you’re about to puke.

Not fun at all. And I know this is a problem for so many of you right now, so I found an article I wrote on pregnancy and sex a few years ago, and I thought I’d run it again today!

When I was creating my Boost Your Libido  course, I was trying to address many of the emails that I get from so many of you: “but what about sex when you’re pregnant? Or breastfeeding? Or just exhausted with kids?” I haven’t written about this in a while, so I thought it was time to resurrect this topic.

Here’s why sex is such a challenge when you’re pregnant (other than that beached whale problem): for women, our sex drives are largely in our heads. When our heads are engaged, our body will usually follow. If we can’t concentrate, our bodies won’t. Any woman who has ever been having fun with her husband when the stray thought, “I wonder if there’s milk in the fridge for breakfast” invades knows what I’m talking about. Once your mind wanders, you’re gone.

And that’s why pregnant sex can be difficult.

You’re nauseous. You’re tired. You get charlie horses. You can’t get comfortable. And so how can you concentrate enough or get the energy together to focus on sex? I remember sneaking into our bedroom shortly after we were married when my husband had a bout of the flu. With a rash all over and a fever of 103, he looked so pathetic. So I said to him, “Is there anything I can do for you?” And his bleary eyes started flashing. “Well, since you asked…” For men, physical pain or physical discomfort is not a reason to say no to sex. For most women it is.

I was so sick when I was pregnant with my first daughter. I used to pray to throw up, but never could (Not being able to throw up is usually way worse than throwing up. I could throw up with the other two and felt so much better. Unless, of course, you’ve got hyperemesis gravidarum, as Princess Kate did, when you’ve got seriously horrible nausea that can be life threatening). And when you’re that nauseous, sex is the last thing in your mind.

And then, later in pregnancy when you’re so big, sex is just plain uncomfortable.

I’ve had several commenters who have said, “my husband just knows that this isn’t a good time for me, so we just put sex on hold until the baby is a few months old,” or variations of that. And I’m very uncomfortable with that. So here are some things to think about:

8 Steps to Better Sex When Pregnant!Click To Tweet
1. When You’re Pregnant, Your Husband Is Still Important

What your new child will need, more than anything else except a relationship with Christ, is the knowledge that his or her parents’ marriage is rock solid. The best thing that you can do for your child is to wholeheartedly love their dad. When that marriage is strong, the child is secure, so can concentrate on learning about navigating the rest of the world.

I know it’s easy to say, “well, he’s the one who got me in this situation, so he should just cope,” but that’s not really fair. Parenthood is a huge adjustment, and you need to reassure yourself that you and your husband are still on the same page. Sex is God’s way for us to do that.

That doesn’t necessarily mean that we’re going to have sex as often as we did before we were pregnant. But you shouldn’t swear it off altogether, or relegate it to “once a month” duty sex. Husbands often are very insecure as the baby comes. Will my wife still love me? Will she still pay attention to me? Those questions sound selfish to us, but they’re not, because he actually has his priorities straight. The marriage does come first. And if you can try throughout your pregnancy to show him that you believe that, you will start your life with this new baby on solid footing.

How do you do that?

2. Listen to Your Doctor About Sex While Pregnant

Obviously, for some women sex isn’t a good idea. If you’re spotting or having contractions early, you need to talk to your doctor. So everything I’m saying here is based on your doctor saying it’s okay!

Sometimes the husband is the one worried about sex because he doesn’t want to hurt the baby (or poke the baby, as one commenter said). In normal pregnancies, sex does not hurt anything at all. And the baby really doesn’t feel the poking. If your husband would be reassured by talking to the doctor, then this may be a good idea!

3. When Making Love While Pregnant, Focus on Intimacy

The reason that we don’t want sex is because we’re focused on the fact that if we have sex, we have to get energetic and try to get ourselves in the mood. Instead, think about sex as a way to feel intimate and to feel close to your husband. Do you long for that? Yes, you can feel close by snuggling, but we’ll always feel closer after we make love. And he will feel closer to us, too.

4. Get Real About How You Feel

Yes, you feel awful. Yes, you’re a beached whale. But here’s the truth: that is not going to change, whether or not you have sex. If you lie there and don’t make love, you’ll still be a beached whale. You’ll still be nauseous.

It’s not like abstaining from sex while pregnant makes these conditions feel better! It’s just that you don’t have to get yourself in the mood. And the thought that you could actually be in the mood at the same time as you’re feeling sick sounds awfully far-fetched. But I’m not sure it is, because:

5. Think of Pregnant Sex as Something That Makes You Physically Relax

If you change the way you think of sex (it’s about intimacy and feeling close to my husband), and change the way you have sex, it can actually make you feel better. I know you may not believe me, but just hear me out. While you’re pregnant and feeling awful, make sex far more about massage and touch than it is about a gymnastic marathon. Make it slow and tender, and focus on how your husband can make your body feel better. Buy some books on massage, or take some out of the library. Get some wonderful massage oils and just have him rub your legs if they hurt, and your back, and your shoulders, and take some of the tension out. Drag out foreplay so that your sexual encounters are focused on “making mom feel wonderful in every way”. You may find you actually look forward to it!

6. Get as Much Rest as Possible

Nap when your older children nap (if you have any). Nap as often as possible if you don’t have any kids. And talk to your husband about helping around the house. Explain to him that if you get more rest, you’ll likely be more “in the mood” later!

7. Try Different Positions

As you get bigger, the missionary position will become pretty much impossible. First, it’s very uncomfortable to lie on your back, and second, you’re a weird shape! But you can try you on top, or spooning. Read this post on the importance of getting the right angle when you make love for it to feel good.

And, if you’re nearing your due date and you’re desperate to go into labor, sex actually can help trigger labor later on!

8. Go with the Flow

To a certain extent, pregnancy is a “go with the flow” thing. Some days you’ll be feeling great, and some days you just won’t. In those beginning few weeks when you’re terribly nauseous, sex really may be too difficult. But often in months 4-7 we feel pretty good, and our libidos return (and are sometimes even higher!). Unfortunately, if you tell yourself and your husband at the beginning of the pregnancy “we just won’t be having sex now”, then when your libido returns, you may not even notice because you’ve shut yourself down. So don’t shut down! If you’re temporarily too sick, that’s okay. If your doctor says no, then you obviously shouldn’t. But remember: sex increases your intimacy, which is so important when a baby’s coming. It can help relax you. And it can cement your relationship. So don’t write it off! Just be more creative, more focused on relaxation, and more focused on the relationship!

How do you get yourself to WANT sex when you're pregnant? Here you go!Click To Tweet

What do you think? Did you find anything that worked well for pregnancy and sex? Or did you find sex while pregnant just impossible? Let’s talk about it in the comments!

Marriage isn't supposed to be blah!


Sex is supposed to be stupendous--physically, emotionally, AND spiritually.

If it's not, get The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex--and find out what you've been missing.

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Reader Question: We’re Infertile–But HE’S The Problem

What do you do to keep your marriage close when your husband is infertile?

Every Monday I like to take a reader question and try to answer it. I know so many of you are dealing with infertility, and I thought this was a different slant on it that I really haven’t tackled before.

A woman writes:

My problem is that I can’t get pregnant. But we just found out that the infertility is not me, but him, because his sperm count is low. But what I’ve noticed now is that he does not want to have sex and I’ve tried! But he pushes me away and he has no kind words nor affection nor feelings for me and I am concerned about it.

I just want to start by saying that I’m so sorry! That’s a hard road to walk down, when you really want a baby and you can’t seem to have one together. And that brings on so many different feelings–grief for sure, but also potentially resentment on your part (even if you try hard not to), and guilt on his. How do you work through that?

So first, a few thoughts on male infertility and low sperm count.

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Did you know that you can test your sperm count at home?

This is really cool! YO Home Sperm Test sent me some details about how they can help you figure out if you have low sperm count, right from your home. Then, if you do have problems, you can choose to follow up and see a doctor. And YO Home Sperm Test agreed to sponsor this post so I could tell you about them.

Basically, it works with your smart phone. The test kit allows you to test a sample and gives you a reading which is a combination of sperm count and motility. Here’s why that matters: It isn’t enough just to know how many sperm are in each mL of fluid; you also want to know how much those little guys are moving around (that’s motility). You can actually get pregnant even if you have a low sperm count if the sperm have high motility. So YO Home Sperm Test factors both in. And it’s been FDA approved and has results comparable to those in large fertility and IVF labs. See it here!

If you’ve been having trouble getting pregnant, then, it’s a great way to test if he’s the problem (which is far easier to tell and far less invasive than testing her). So you may as well start with him! Each kit comes with two test kits, to allow you to double check or test two different samples.

Here’s it in action (and I love the description: “No sperm will actually touch your phone!”):

Seriously, I think this is awesome. At least it would give you a place to start if you’re wondering if the problem is you or him. And it’s a lot less expensive than a doctor’s visit or workup!

What if he does have a low sperm count?

Okay, now let’s take this step by step, and we’ll start with the low sperm count and then move on to the relationship issues.

Sperm count and motility are not fixed in stone. They can vary over time. Now, if has a complete absence of sperm (azoospermia), that’s a different story. In that case conception is impossible. But most men simply have a low sperm count.

If your husband has a low sperm count, here's how to increase your chance of conception: Click To Tweet
How to Boost Your Chances of Conception with a Low Sperm Count

If he has sperm, but just not very many, conception may still be possible.

First, know your fertile days (the days around ovulation), and time intercourse for those days, just as you normally would.

Hitting the right days will vastly increase the chances of conception, even with a low sperm count.

Second, don’t “store up” sperm

Many people think that if he has a low sperm count, the best thing to do is to almost stop having sex and store up the sperm until those fertile days, so that there’s more on those days. While there will be more fluid, research has shown that this doesn’t help conception. Frequent sex actually helps sperm motility (getting the sperm to move) which helps fertility more.

Third, try to minimize “free radical damage”

Basically, you want to keep your body as healthy as possible and stop as many toxins as possible. So no cigarettes, and limit alcohol. Eat foods high in antioxidants, like berries, fruit, nuts, etc. Reduce exposure to chemicals (like in gardening or some factory work or lab work). Wear protecting clothing and masks when possible.

And avoid hot tubs and saunas and things which cause a lot of heat “in that region”. I know they used to warn against having laptops on your lap and told guys to wear boxers rather than briefs to prevent too much “heat”. I think a lot of that may have been debunked (though the hot tub and sauna thing has been proven to be true), but there’s no harm in trying.

Remember You’re a Team

Here’s the thing with fertility problems, though: It takes two to make a baby. You’re a team. And so if he has a problem, then the problem is not his. The problem is yours together, because you ARE a team.

I can’t stress this enough. You simply must deal with any resentment or anger that you have towards him and let it go. Let yourself feel it for a time, but then pray about it and decide that you’re going to treat this as an issue you have together, not as an issue with him. And I think that’s important for the future, too. I’m not one who is in support of using someone else’s sperm to get pregnant. If he’s not fertile, then YOU BOTH are not fertile, and it’s time to adopt or choose a different course for your life.

I say that knowing that it is one of the hardest things you will ever do, and understanding the heartache involved. But I don’t think using someone else’s sperm is the answer here, even if it would give you your own biological child. I’m very, very uncomfortable with that.

So if you are a team, then make sure you’re acting like one! If he has to ditch the cigarettes, so do you. If he has to cut out alcohol, so do you. If he has to change his diet, so do you. Be in on this together!

Work on Your Friendship


Stay Close through Infertility (even if it's HIM who has the problem!)Click To Tweet

Finally, whenever couples have an issue in their marriage that starts to drive a major wedge, I always recommend the same thing: start working on your friendship again. When you first started dating there were things that you enjoyed doing together. You got together because you enjoyed being with each other. You like similar things!

So get back to that and remember what it was that you had fun with. Do more of it. Here’s why:

When we have fun together, we bring the tension level of the relationship down. When we laugh together, we make it easier to talk together. If the tension level is sky high and there are things that we’re avoiding saying to each other, then you’ll start to naturally pull away from each other (as this guy seems to be doing by not wanting to have sex). But when the tension level is really high, you can’t talk about it. How do you broach the subject when you’re both so uncomfortable and there’s so much that seems unsaid?

That’s why it’s important to shelve it for a minute and just work at bringing the tension level down. Tell him that for a month you want to forget about being pregnant and you just want to be husband and wife, best friends, again. I’ve got a FREE 5 lesson email course on how to emotionally reconnect, and it may really help you. It starts with small things you can do, and then builds to finding big things to do together that help you feel more connected. Sign up here.

Address his low sex drive

So much of a guy feeling like a guy is feeling like his sperm are powerful. I know that sounds really odd, but to a guy it’s a big deal. If you find out that your little guys don’t really move, or that you’re not really producing very many, that’s a huge blow to your ego.

And so it’s hardly surprising that a guy may lose his sex drive. His whole concept of manhood is gone.

Just a few things: don’t baby him. Sometimes our natural response is to try to comfort him: “Oh, sweetie, I love you just for who you are! It’s okay with me!” But check yourself. If you would use the same tone of voice or the same approach for a 5-year-old boy, then stop. It’s much better to just approach him as if you have confidence in him, not as if he needs your reassurance.

Give him some space for a time sexually if he needs it, which may be difficult because you’ll be thinking, “if his sperm count is low we need to have sex even more to increase the chances!” But give him a few months to figure out his feelings, while also working on your friendship and trying to have fun outside the bedroom.

Then start really talking about it again. Tell him that regardless of what happens with a baby, you guys are husband and wife first, and even if you lose the chance to be parents (which is not guaranteed at all), there’s no way you want to lose the chance to be husband and wife. You can still have an awesome time even if you aren’t parents. So let’s reclaim what we do have rather than defining ourselves by what we don’t.

Remember–most cases of low sperm count do not mean that it is impossible to conceive.

It will be more difficult. You will have to time things better. You will have to take super good care of his body. But it often can happen, especially with the help of a fertility clinic. So take heart, pray tons, and keep loving him.

Now let me know in the comments: Have you dealt with this in your marriage? How did you keep your sex life alive? How did you reassure him? Let’s talk!

And thanks to YO Home Sperm Test for sponsoring this post.

 

 

 

 

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Stealing Our Kids from Technology: Let’s Get Them Back!

Does technology eat up so much of your kids’ time that they have little interest in family?

I ran a column a few years ago on how we need to bring our kids back into the family. As we’ve been talking this week about how to prepare kids for marriage (and how to make sure they don’t make a huge mistake!), I think it all comes back to maintaining those relationships in the crucial teenage years.

So here’s a reminder that perhaps some of us need this week: You are not powerless! Let’s have some fun again.

Sheila’s Musings: Let’s Steal Our Kids Back from Technology

What would you do if a pervert came to your door and asked to speak with your 13-year-old daughter in private? Something brutal involving a corkscrew immediately comes to my mind.

But is this really so different than what happens millions of times everyday with our kids and technology? Our children huddle in their rooms with their computers, their iPods, and their televisions, and they imbibe a pop culture which is inherently antithetical to everything healthy families stand for. Culture tells our kids that image matters, not character; that the easy life is to be admired, rather than an honest life of hard work; and that morality is so yesterday.

And then we wonder why teens grunt at us rather than holding normal conversations.

I recently received an email from a friend whose teenage daughter is due to be stuck in summer school because of poor marks. What should the mom do?

Academics are important, but if teens start doing poorly in school, more often than not those marks are the symptom of the problem, not the problem itself. The problem is that the child has forsaken our value system, which includes our belief that you should work hard at school so you can support yourself, instead of living in your parents’ basement for the rest of your life.

To combat this, I recommend instituting “work hours”, perhaps for an hour and a half at night, when everyone in the family works. Kids complete homework, and parents balance the chequebook or go through the mail. Do it together, at the kitchen table, so you can see whether or not your teen complies! If teens aren’t present at the study session, all technology gets turned off for that day and the next day. It’s not rocket science. Just do it.

Parents, after all, are not as helpless as we think we are, even if our teens are bigger than us.

Sure teens are intimidating, because we can’t force them to talk, smile, or even look us in the eye. But we do control the purse strings, which means that our children watch television, play video games, and surf the web only at our pleasure. All these things are privileges, and they can be taken away!

And perhaps they should be taken away, or at least minimized. Many of our children are addicted to technology, and it’s giving them the wrong value system. Besides, there is no reason for kids to have a television or a computer in their room where you can’t monitor them. Get it out of their bedrooms, now. It’s your house.

Our kids are relating to technology, but they’re not relating to us.


You CAN find family time away from computers, even with your teens. Here's how!Click To Tweet

So eat dinner together as a family. Tell jokes. Have debates! Once a week, host a family night when you play games. Sure kids may complain “this is so lame”, but stick to it.

Within a few months you will see a change, because games are actually fun. While camping recently, I taught my girls and one of their friends to play the card game “Hearts”. Of course, it was more fun before they figured out how to stop me from getting control, but even now that they’ve improved, it’s still guaranteed to bring smiles! Play Monopoly. Try some newer family board games that are a riot: Settlers of Catan, Ticket to Ride, Blokus.

(Here we are playing Pandemic, one of our favourites!)

Life does not need a screen; it does need relationships. So why not do a massive overhaul of your home, get rid of the technology from the kids’ rooms and invest in a game cupboard instead? You have power. You control the money. Let’s steal our kids back. Whether or not they realize it, they need us. Now go shuffle those cards!

 

What’s #1 at To Love, Honor and Vacuum?

Raising great kids is not always an easy task, and neither is letting them leave the nest.

#1 Post on the Blog: 10 Things To Share With Your Daughter Before She Walks Down The Aisle

#5  on the Blog Overall: 16 Ways To Flirt With Your Husband   

#3 from Facebook: Can Christians Use Sex Toys? 

#2 from Pinterest: 5 Steps To Raising A Child Who Will Stay Christian

So We’re Almost Back in Canada!

Keith and I are right now sitting in the Louisville KOA, in Kentucky, ready to drive through to Detroit today where we’re meeting up with my brother-in-law. Then we’ll be spending the day with him and crossing the border and back home on Sunday! I’m excited to be home, but I’m going to miss my RV. It’s funny how you can get used to living in such small space.

I’ve Been Overwhelmed This Week About How to Raise Kids Who Choose Well When They Marry

After Monday’s sad story on the blog, and then so many emails, I’ve been overwhelmed about how to encourage our kids to choose well and be smart when they get married.

Haven’t come up with anything firm, but I’m giving more of my thoughts in the weekly email that goes out on Monday! So if you haven’t signed up for the weekly emails yet, now’s a great time! I give a lot of behind-the-scenes information in them, and lots of pictures, and you also get access to my free resource library of lots of printables, ebooks, and even free email courses you can take to improve your marriage!

So sign up here:

Have a great weekend, everybody!

 

 

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On Peanut Butter and How I Sinned Against My Children

So apparently I am a big ole’ sinner.

David’s likely right (he’s the one who called me a sinner).

Oh, and my daughter has a boyfriend (he’s her boyfriend).

The younger daughter, not that married one, that is (Phew!).

I’ll let Katie fill you in on the boyfriend (and the sin). If you don’t want to watch the whole thing, the relevant part starts around 3:47.

I have officially repented and apologized to both of my girls for their misguided and deprived childhood.

No peanut butter, no nuts, not a lot of cheese on pizza and pasta (I just don’t like lots of cheese! Some, maybe. Lots? Too greasy). No pie (if it’s not chocolate it’s not a dessert. What’s the point?) All of those things. But they made it through anyway!

I thought I’d just write a stream of consciousness thing today anyway since we’re in our RV driving home (halfway from Texas to Ottawa right now!). I can’t be too profound at the moment.

And really, this development with Katie is HUGE in our family. But I haven’t been able to talk about it until she decided to go public.

I have so much I’d like to say, but I really can’t because it’s their story to tell, and maybe one day I’ll be able to talk more about what it’s like having daughters who are dating. But it’s funny how this relationship is so different from Rebecca’s.

Rebecca met her (now) husband Connor in her first year away at university. And they got serious pretty quickly. It was strange for us, because we homeschooled the girls, and I was super involved in the youth program they were in (I was the cool parent, despite the peanut butter), and so I always knew everybody they knew. And I had my own relationship with a lot of their friends. I’d talk to them and mentor them even aside from the girls’ friendships with them.

So when Connor came into our lives we didn’t know what to do. We’d never had to get to know someone before that our daughter already knew so well. And we weren’t quite sure how to do that. But we muddled our way through, and we’re all one big happy family now! (while we were on the cruise this summer we hammed it up with the photographers).

All of us having fun!

And we know how to be silly together!

Connor and Keith doing their best Zoolander “Blue Steel” impressions.

We’ve made a point of trying to do more family vacations together so we all do get a chance to get comfortable with each other and laugh together, and we’re honestly at that point now. We can all talk to Connor without Rebecca being part of it, because we have our own relationship with him.

And now there’s Katie and David. As you can likely tell from the video, Katie and David go way back. David was actually Rebecca’s friend in high school; there was a group of them who were super close, and so David’s been in our lives forever. He even used to call me and Keith Mom and Dad because we would mentor him and just generally be nice to him!

So David, Connor and Becca are all the same age, and it’s kind of nice because when David visits Katie in Ottawa he can stay with Becca and Connor. When they started dating, Becca phoned me and said, “I’m just so glad that I never had a crush on David in high school! We were always together but I always thought of him like a brother!” I’m sure that’s a big relief all round.

But it’s also a different dynamic because we know so much about David that it’s hard not to interfere. With Rebecca, I just had to take her word for everything that she said. With Katie, there’s so much history. That’s not to say that I doubt the relationship whatsoever (I don’t); it just makes it harder not to try to micromanage anything or express opinions.

When Rebecca would say something about her relationship, we’d just nod and smile because we didn’t really KNOW anything else. But with Katie we all know EVERYTHING. So it makes stuff seem much more serious much more quickly (and that applies double for Becca who really knows David well!).

One of the really super wonderful things, though, is that my daughter isn’t lonely anymore. It’s been hard to watch both of the girls go through heartbreaks and loneliness. God used those times in their lives, and He definitely brought them closer to Him, and helped them figure out what their aim in life really was. But it’s still tough when you know your kid is sad. So I’m glad she’s not sad anymore.

(PS: another thing about David: We know his family really well. So it’s kind of funny for his mom and me to talk about all this stuff!)

I find that so much of my emotional energy and prayer life for the last, oh, maybe 10 years, has been about the girls and their future husbands and about boy trouble. When they were sad, I was just sad with them and for them. It’s hard as a mom! So it’s weird to be in this different place now where you’re not really wondering, “will it be him?”, but more praying just for everyone to grow closer to God and hear His voice more and more in their lives.

I think I like it!

Any of you walk through your kids dating? How was it? Or did your parents make any big mistakes when you were dating? Let’s talk in the comments!

 

 

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Can You Have a Good Marriage if You Have a Rotten Relationship with Your Father?

How can you develop healthy relationships with the opposite sex BEFORE you get married?

Our relationships with men in our family of origin–fathers, grandfathers, brothers, uncles–plays such a strong role in how strong our marriages will be later.

I had major “father issues” going into my marriage. I had been abandoned by my dad (not financially, but emotionally and physically) when I was two, and that left me feeling like no love was really secure. On the other hand, my daughters have great relationships with their dad, and it has made them much more confident in their romantic relationships, and much more likely to choose wisely. Just watching them has been very healing for me.

So here’s the question that was recently posed to me:

If I’m a single woman who wants to have a great marriage, then what should I do with my relationships with my dad and brothers NOW to make sure that I don’t mess up my marriage later?

Great question! I’m going to let the reader tell a bit of her story:

I have so many serious questions, but am frustrated time and again when all I find are solutions for married couples. It may seem silly, but the way single women relate to their father and brothers is training the dynamics of their future relationship with a husband.

How does one cultivate a healthy mindset especially when it seems the effort is mostly one sided? I understand that as a daughter I do not have the position a wife has, but I feel that since I am the main housekeeper I need to learn how to get through to my dad and brothers about things that are bothering me that are making my life very frustrating right now. Things have only gotten worse since my mother passed away from cancer this last year. She was a bit of a buffer for the rest of us and was able to talk sense to my dad. I don’t think he means to be abusive or neglecting, but many times that is what happens by default because he seems to not quite get some basic facts about keeping relationships healthy and pleasant.

An example that may help has to do with finances. He always has been a bit paranoid about letting others, including my mother, have free access to the money. After many years he finally conceded and got her a card to access the bank account, but he does not budget and always seemed to feel that he could freely spend money but my mom had to consult him before spending. It has caused many a conflict, and now with my mom gone it is making life almost impossible sometimes because if we ask for money for groceries but he doesn’t think it necessary, he will refuse. Many times I make up a shopping list, nothing extravagant, but the things we need, and he will go shopping and only come home with a few things off the list after a whole evening of shopping.

For most of this last year, he and my mom were out of the country getting medical treatment and I and my younger two siblings did all our own shopping (my dad would periodically make the money available to us). We were always able to get what we needed, we weren’t always running out of things or having to get by without. We also stayed well within the budget. It was liberating. But as soon as my dad returned we went back to square one. It’s as if we are silly children that don’t know how to shop wisely and spend money unnecessarily, when all I want is freedom to do my job of running the household. I know this situation is unique and I am working to become independent, but I don’t feel I should be responsible for using the little I earn by working for groceries for the household. I hope that I can learn to relate to men in a healthy way, and know how to wisely deal with unhealthy situations. I hope to marry someday and hope to be able to discern a healthy man to choose to marry.

This woman has a real conundrum! She’s saying: My father is not treating me like an adult and is not acting appropriately. He is requiring me to do things–like running the household–without doing his part (like providing the finances and the freedom to do so). If she doesn’t figure out how to work this out with her father, then what makes her think she’s going to be able to figure it out with a husband?

But can I suggest that perhaps she’s asking the wrong question?

Maybe the question isn’t: “How can I get a healthy relationship with my father?”, but instead, “What can I learn from my relationship with my father that will help me choose a good husband?”

A reader asks: Will my bad relationship with my dad doom my future marriage? Click To Tweet

Here’s what it comes down to:

One of the Hardest Lessons to Learn is that You Can’t Change Other People

She wants to act appropriately and get her father (and brothers!) to act appropriately.

But maybe she can’t. 

Maybe there is absolutely nothing that she can do that will make her father treat her well and value her and her siblings. Maybe her father is an immature, selfish man.

And I think many of us waste far too much of our lives trying to get immature, selfish people to treat us well. The truth is you can’t. The only thing that you can do is to decide how you will react to these people and how you will accept being treated.

Many of us spend far too much energy trying to get immature, selfish people to treat us well.Click To Tweet

That’s why I write so much about healthy boundaries–deciding what should be in your control and what is not in your control, and not allowing other people to step on things that you should control. So in this case, for instance, she could say to her father, “I will cook and grocery shop for the family, but only if you allocate me some money that we both agree on, and give it to me on a regular basis so that I won’t have to fight for it.” And then, if he doesn’t give her the money, she can decide that she is no longer going to be responsible for feeding the family.

She can also take it one step further, as it says in Matthew 18. When someone is doing something wrong, you talk to them about it. If they refuse to change, you then bring one or two other people into the situation and ask them for help mediating it. She could bring some trusted family friends in and ask them to listen to the issues between her and her father and to help find an equitable solution.

However, there’s a big problem with this scenario. Her father still may not listen. And then she has a bigger conundrum, because it sounds, from her letter, that she is an adult, but she has siblings who are not yet adults, and she is at home trying to take the place of her mom.

That is a very loving and kind thing to do. But ultimately, it is not her responsibility. And if her father is making it impossible for her to do this job in a healthy way, she may have to say no.

One of the Hardest Things to Do Is to “Abandon” Someone You Love–even if it’s necessary

Saying no likely feels impossible, because it may mean abandoning your siblings. I have people in my extended family who have been scared to move away because they have been the buffer between a parent and a much younger sibling. If they move, what will happen to that younger sibling who relies on them?

That’s a horrible, horrible position to be in. But here’s something I’ve learned, from trying to “mother” some children who actually aren’t my children: You can put in a ton of work and do everything right, but ultimately you can’t replace a parent who is not doing the job of a parent. Those heart wounds will still be there, even if you act perfectly. You can make their life better, but you cannot heal all the wounds. And so you have to give yourself permission to not be the mom.

The Biggest Lesson to Learn is That You Cannot Be Responsible for Things Not in Your Control

So how does this woman prepare to have good relationships with a future husband if she has such a bad relationship with her father–and can’t negotiate a better one?

She may have to learn to say, “I can’t change this situation, and this situation isn’t my responsibility. I am hurting myself by trying to make it better, and I am disrupting the law of sowing and reaping by preventing my father from reaping what he sows, and so I will step back and live the life that God has called me to live, rather than trying to make up for my father who is not living the life he was called to live.”

Phew. That’s a mouthful.

But what about her siblings!?!?

She can stay in contact with them. She can tell them they are always welcome to come over and live at her apartment or visit her (and if they are under her roof, she could probably do much more to show her brothers how to treat her appropriately). She can mentor them and be a shoulder to cry on. She can repeat that they are loved and they are valuable. She can teach them how to talk with their father, and she can help them acquire life skills so that they can move out as soon as possible.

But she can’t be their parent.

I have older members of my extended family whose mother died when there were younger siblings still at home. Their father was not capable of looking after those younger siblings. And as these older siblings grew up and got married, some of the younger siblings spent some time living with that sibling or this sibling, and all did quite well in the long term. But that’s how it had to be–they could help the younger siblings under their own roof, but they couldn’t put their life on hold and help their siblings under their father’s roof because the dynamics were so bad.

A hard lesson: You can love your siblings, but you can't totally compensate for your bad parents.Click To Tweet
So if I were talking to this young woman, here’s what I would say:

Move out of the house. Get an apartment of your own. Make a life for yourself. Bring a younger sibling or two along to help pay the rent if they are able to work as well. But you cannot fix your family of origin. You cannot make up for your father’s bad choices. And you can’t replace your mom, and God doesn’t want you to.  Treat yourself with dignity. Realize that loving and honouring your father doesn’t mean that you serve him blindly or you allow him to treat you badly. And if you learn those lessons, then it will feel right when you meet a man who respects you, who honours your boundaries, and who wants to have a partnership.

Your father has given you a gift, just like my father gave me a gift. You will learn what you DON’T want. And that is an important thing to learn, too.

Sometimes the best gift a father gives his daughter is showing what NOT to look for in a husband.Click To Tweet

Now let’s talk in the comments: Have any of you ever been in this position where you feel responsible for younger siblings? Or where your father treats you inappropriately? What did you do? I think a lot of people are hurting pretty badly in exactly these situations, and they’d likely appreciate hearing some stories and some encouragement!

 

 

 

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