Sheila Wray Gregoire's Blog, page 111
April 2, 2018
How I Was Once Labelled Rebellious on a Teen Missions Trip
Yesterday we celebrated Easter, when Jesus rose from the dead, defeated sin, and sent the Holy Spirit to be with us so that we could live in His power.
But I’m worried that many of us aren’t experiencing that because we’re living with a false gospel, a false sense of what the Christian life should look like. So I want to dedicate this week to looking at warning signs that you may be following a legalistic view of Christianity–whether it’s in your marriage, your parenting philosophy, or your church.
I want to start just by sharing a personal story.
When I was 16, I went on a missions trip to the Philippines with Teen Missions International.
My friend Matthew and I ready to board the bus to take us to boot camp!
It’s an organization run out of Merritt Island, Florida, which takes groups of teenagers all over the world for missions projects every summer. Usually the teams are about 6-8 weeks in duration, and they start with a brutal one week book camp in Florida (in a swamp with snakes and alligators) where you supposedly learn team-building, and then end with a debriefing trip (ours was in China).
There were many good things about that summer. I met some great friends. I saw the world. I learned to have a consistent quiet time with God. I memorized a lot of Scripture.
Our team doing devotions at boot camp in Florida.
But there were other things that were not so great, and over the years as I’ve tried to process it I’ve come to realize more and more what didn’t feel right at the time and why it didn’t feel right.
The team had 6 leaders–3 men and 3 women. The head leaders were a couple, who brought their two children, who were likely 5 and 7, along the trip with us. The other leaders were subordinate to them.
The head male leader could be charming, but he was very, very strict.
We had rules about everything–when we got up, went to bed, did our devotions, who we talked to, when we were allowed free time.
But it was the overall emphasis that rubbed me wrong. It started with the theme of the summer–“The Way Up is Down”. We learned about Joseph, and how he was exalted, but first he had to be sold into slavery and thrown unjustly into prison. We learned about other Bible characters who endured tremendous hardships, but then were blessed by God.
The motto? We had to abase ourselves and be humble and be treated badly if we wanted God to bless us. And then they proceeded to live that out all summer, putting us through hard work and telling us that “the way up is down”. That was the point of boot camp, too. It was absolutely brutal, with hardly any sleep, living in mud, and having to do super hard work. That may work well for the military, who need to be prepared to live in harsh conditions. It was totally unnecessary for us. And treating us kindly and teaching us about Jesus would have been a much better route, in my opinion. Instead, they wanted us to endure horrible food, a mosquito and snake infested swamp, not have showers, dig holes that had no purpose, etc.
The obstacle course at bootcamp
I’ve found that people don’t mind enduring hardship when there really isn’t an option and you just have to get through it. But creating intense hardship for its own sake just feels wrong. And that’s what much of the summer was about.
Besides, the whole concept of “the way up is down” isn’t even biblical.
It is not that suffering makes you godly. It is that God can use suffering to grow our characters, and in our suffering God is there. But there is nothing inherently good about suffering, and we should not pursue suffering for suffering’s sake. We should only ever pursue God’s best. At times that will lead to our suffering, but suffering is not, in and of itself, a goal of the Christian life.
Yes, God can use suffering to grow us. But suffering, in and of itself, is not inherently good. Christians don't have to pursue suffering; we just have to pursue God, wherever that may lead.
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I wrote more about this in a post a few years ago on how we see domestic abuse. Too many women are taught that God will use their suffering, and thus they should endure for a time. I told more of the story of the missions trip there, too.
I was only 16 at the time of that missions trip, and I wasn’t a theologian by any means. But this view that God wanted us to suffer and that God rejoiced when we endured hardship seemed very off to me. If I tried to talk about it, though, I was told that I needed to repent for not believing the Bible.
They had a chest of books that we were allowed to read for half an hour before bed. I’ve always been a really fast reader, so I read through most of them that summer. But they were all focused on how to completely and utterly submit to God even if it kills you. Most were Christian biographies; they were about people who had suffered when they went against authority and did well when they surrendered to authority. It was really monotonous.
In general, though, that summer we didn’t have much time to talk or read our Bibles because we were doing construction work.
Our job was to build a kindergarten for a church so that they could minister to more kids. So we poured concrete and laid rebar and did all kinds of things like that.
The site of our kindergarten construction
We worked about 10 hours a day, and it was absolutely and utterly exhausting. I am not cut out for that!
Me digging a hole. I think I was smiling because a guy was taking the picture.
A typical construction scene.
Not just that, but looking back it seemed so silly. We did no evangelism. We didn’t really talk to any of the local people at all. We went to a school once and sang some songs, but that was it. Instead, we spent five weeks putting up a building. And we all paid an awful lot of money to be there. It strikes me that it would have been much better to pay local people to build the building (thus feeding the local economy), and then, if we wanted an intense team building time, we could have done that in North America much more cheaply. Or if we really wanted to see the world, we could have done 4 weeks of team building in North America and two weeks of travelling. It would have cost so little to pay local people to build that building, and it would have blessed them with work, and we really didn’t see much of the Philippines or anything. We drove through some slums; we had dinner at a really rich person’s house in the congregation who roasted a pig for us (which was amazing), but we didn’t have a chance to talk to any of the kids really or make any real friends there.
I did enjoy the three of the four “junior” leaders. They were all in their twenties or early thirties and single. Most were teachers (which was why they had the summer off). They related to us well and you could talk to them easily.
The youngest female leader, though, was very strict and hard to talk to, even though she was only in her early twenties (and we had people on our team who were 19). She demanded respect, and it was very awkward.
But the worst were this head couple.
I believe he was 29 and she was 31, and they had been married for 10 years at this point. She rarely said boo, and worked a ton in the kitchen. But boy was she harsh to her kids! They were constantly yelled at. The thing that stands out to me most was the frequent spanking sessions in the bedroom beside the large room where the girls slept. It seemed as if they were being disciplined for the sake of being disciplined, since we could never figure out what the infractions were. In retrospect I think the female head leader was just very overworked, having to cook for 35 people 3 meals a day, plus supervise two young boys. I think she was just exhausted.
I also found that the junior leaders who were actually very wise counsellors, and who got along well with the kids, would clam up as soon as this couple came into the room. Quite frankly, I experienced them as tyrants, and I don’t think I was the only one.
We had several girls that summer who disclosed sexual abuse at home to some of the junior leaders.
When they did, I remember them being forced to stay in their room all day, and not allowed to socialize or work. The reason given was that they needed time on their own to pray. My memories on this are a little fuzzy, but it seemed like every time anyone was upset about anything, instead of being encouraged to talk it out, they were just confined to their room. Perhaps something was also done to protect them when they got home or to notify authorities, but I have no knowledge of that.
We were required to write letters home quite frequently (which was no problem; I wanted to do that), but all of our letters were read before they were sent and we were reprimanded if we complained about anything. The letters to us were read as well. I remember writing to my mom in code, hoping they wouldn’t figure it out.
I had a friend who was on another team with Team Missions that year. He went to Europe, and did mostly evangelism. His experience was nothing like mine. And so I don’t think that what I felt was necessarily true in all cases. And I have no idea if that letter reading thing was just our team or was for all teams at Teen Missions.
I did feel, however, that the theme “The Way Up is Down”, the “punishment” if you revealed any emotional hurt, the authoritarian nature of the leaders left a distinct impression of their version of Christianity: absolute obedience to authority, without rocking the boat, was the only acceptable behaviour. If you veered from that at all you were ostracized.
For our debriefing, we joined two other teams in Manila and later in China.
Sightseeing at our debrief
The head of Teen Missions at the time, Bob Bland, actually was at our debriefing session.
Part of the session was a memory verse competition. Over the summer we’d been encouraged to memorize 40 verses, and then we had a “quiz” on different aspects of the verses, team against team. I knew those verses backwards and forwards. I’m super good at memorizing (and my girls inherited that, both being on the international team for Bible quizzing. Katie actually memorized 9 whole books of the New Testament; Rebecca, who didn’t quiz for quite as long, memorized 6). So, by outward appearances, I should have been praised for doing so well.
Instead, I remember thinking that a lot of the rules for quizzing were silly, and I spoke up. So Bob Bland singled me out and took a walk with me and told me that I had a rebellious spirit, and that God was not happy with me. I remember being very surprised because I hadn’t gotten in trouble or been punished for anything (I had never been punished all summer, just given “the look” and told not to ask questions). I wasn’t the model construction worker by any means, but I never refused to work. I simply spoke up during devotions when I didn’t agree, and if there were rules that seemed ridiculous (like confining sad people to their room) I would say something.
At the time I didn’t really care what he thought; by then I had lost all respect for these leaders who didn’t seem to act like Jesus whatsoever (and the spanking thing had really gotten to me). But that memory came back to me last week when I was reading an article that talked about those who had grown up like the Duggars, believing a very legalistic view of the family (as promoted by Bill Gothard). These survivor stories are so sad. We simply must speak up against this!
As I look back, I remember that I was not the only one upset at the time. I was likely the most upset, but I was not the only one. I was, however, the only girl who regularly challenged authority. I think that’s why I was therefore the one singled out for chastisement.
Admittedly this all happened thirty years ago, and my memories are hazy. I may have misinterpreted some things because I was not used to legalism or to authoritarianism, and so it was super jarring to me. Perhaps others would not have found it so bleak. And I don’t know what Teen Missions is like now. I do know that I would never send one of my children there. But as I was reading about the ramifications of the Gothard theology it hit me that I had actually been part of that culture for a summer. We didn’t know that before we joined, and I’ve never been in the middle of anything like it since. But I can’t tell you how completely WRONG it felt, and how I chafed all summer at it. My heart goes out to children who are raised in it.
I have been back on five missions trips since, and none have been remotely like that.
My husband and mom will be leading one we’re taking to a children’s home in Kenya this summer (and hopefully our kids and their husbands will be part of that). I’m a huge fan of missions trips. But what I would say is, before you ever send your child to a camp or to a missions organization or to a college or anything like that, investigate it well. Make sure there isn’t some authoritarian, legalistic theology going on. Make sure it’s life giving, rather than life sapping. And make sure it’s not abusive. Too many things in the Christian world sound great on the outside, but when you see the up close and personal, you realize that they don’t reflect Jesus at all.
Tomorrow I want to give you 10 warning signs that a philosophy, group, or church may be legalistic rather than Spirit filled. Those signs were all present with Teen Missions, and I see them in all too many other places, too. Then later this week we’ll look at how to free our marriages and our parenting from these rules so that we get back to a true life-giving relationship with Christ.
Were you ever involved in a legalistic group that made you miserable? How did you find freedom again? Let’s talk in the comments!
March 29, 2018
A Prayer Through Tears for Those Who Have Lost Babies
We’re coming up to Good Friday and Easter, the Christian celebration of Jesus’ death and resurrection.
I know that many of my readers are walking through deep pain right now–readers who would love to have a baby to hold, but don’t either because of infertility or because of miscarriage and baby death.
As I’ve shared before, and as I’ve written about in my book How Big Is Your Umbrella, my baby boy passed away when he was 29 days old. The idea of losing a son has always had special significance to me and my husband.
For twelve years I wrote a column in our local paper and several others, and one of the most popular columns I ever wrote was a prayer for those who had lost babies (even secular papers published it!). And I thought I would run it for all of you today, since tomorrow is Good Friday and we’ll all be remembering that God also went through this pain–the pain of watching a child die.
When a child dies it feels as if the physical laws of the universe have been violated.
You needed that child far more than you need the very oxygen you breathe, and yet that child is gone, and your lungs keep working. Your very breath is a betrayal, and squeezes your chest worse than any violence ever could. So I pray that you will be able to take each breath, and that eventually simply living won’t hurt like this anymore.
And I pray that in your grief you and your spouse will be able to turn to each other. The death of a child strains a marriage in a way little else does. It’s not fair, but you face a crossroads. I pray you will walk this valley together, and that the journey will strengthen you, rather than separate you.
I pray that people will surround you with practical help, that they will hug and that they will listen. I pray that your friends won’t scatter because they feel awkward, but that they will be patient, even when the grief seems to be lasting longer than others think it should. I pray that if your grief is from a miscarriage or a stillbirth, people will still understand the depth of your pain.
I also pray that you will be able to take each day as it comes.
When a child dies, and especially a baby who did not have the chance to become part of your daily routine, on the outside it is almost as if he or she never existed. And yet, for you that child was your very heart. If you let go of the grief, it is as if you are letting go of the last thing that ties you to your baby. Remember, though, that grief is not something that disappears. Sometimes grief is overt, but other times you feel fine. I pray that you will embrace those moments when you feel peace, because there will be moments—even if it’s days, weeks, or years later—when the grief will return, unbidden, in full force. Be grateful for good days and do not feel guilty for them. Smiling is not betraying your child.
At the same time, I pray that when those good days become the norm, even if it’s years down the road, that you will not feel like you are going crazy if the grief suddenly hits you hard again.
You’re not regressing, or starting at square one. This is the way of grief, and know that it never completely disappears. If we are honest, we probably wouldn’t want it any other way. So I pray that in those moments when you can’t breathe again that you will still experience peace, and know that this intensity will again subside.
I pray that you will remember that everyday that passes is not one more day further away from your child, but instead one more day that you are closer to meeting him or her again.
And finally, I pray that one day you will be able to remember with laughter, and not just with tears.
Amen.
My son Christopher the day before his surgery.
Have a blessed Easter weekend, everyone. And remember–Easter is only a celebration because Good Friday came. Pain is a part of life, but the good news is that God has redeemed that pain through Jesus!
March 28, 2018
How a Marriage Deteriorates: It’s in the Little Things
This week we’re talking about good decisions and fresh starts, and I want to start with a basic truth:
Most people are not bad.
Yet when I read emails from women who are in terrible marriages, and have been for decades, and they tell me about their husbands, I have to admit that their husbands sound like really selfish jerks.
And yet, in my social circle, I know very few truly selfish jerks. I do know some–and I totally believe that there are narcissists (we’ve had some in our social circle, and they’re horrible to deal with); I totally believe in emotional abuse, and I also believe that abusers often are attracted to conservative Christianity, because it gives them , which is why abuse is often more prevalent in these denominations (and among the women reading this blog).
Abuse absolutely exists.
And yet, when I look at most marriages (not all) where people are miserable and act selfishly, I don’t think abuse is at the heart of the problem. I think it’s something far simpler.
We’ve trained each other to be selfish towards one another.
Okay, I know that sounds really inflammatory. But let me explain:
I don’t think many of us value ourselves enough to encourage respectful behaviour.
We hear so much how women need to respect their husbands. But you are a valuable person to God who deserves respect, too!
And what does respect mean? It means treating someone as a human being, not as an object to use. It means making room for someone to have alternate thoughts, desires, preferences, etc. It means, in essence, giving someone their due.
Yet many of us have been trained to think that the only possibly “correct” behaviour is to be nice. And nice means allowing others to be happy and do what they want. It means not rocking the boat or making a scene. Being nice can often be very damaging to a marriage.
Let me tell you the story of one man and two women.
One man married one very nice woman. She cooked dinner every night, focusing on his favourite meal. If he came in late, she didn’t complain. If he tracked mud in all over the house, she said nothing and got out a broom. She washed his clothes, kept the house neat, and raised his children.
And in so doing, she disappeared into the background.
It’s like this really funny video by an Australian comedian. (I’m so sorry but this does have a swear word in it around 1:20; I wish it didn’t, but it does. But it really illustrates what I’m trying to show, so please forgive me! And if you’re sensitive to language, absolutely don’t watch it!).
She did so much around the house without telling him that he became messier because it didn’t have repercussions for him. And he ended up taking her for granted without realizing it.
In my story, because his wife did so much for him without demanding basic respect, he became more self-focused. He began drinking more, because he wanted to. He stayed out more, because he wanted to. And she had quite a miserable marriage.
She died early, and he remarried. And within a few months he had quit drinking and had begun helping out around the house. He was a different person.
Why?
Because the second wife didn’t tolerate the disrespect. She knew what she was worth. She wasn’t focused on being nice to him; she was focused on being good in their marriage, which is quite a different thing.
Being good means that you bring out the best in someone, not that you cater to their every whim.
One points people to God; the other points people to pursue their own selfish ends.
A basic principle in Scripture is “you reap what you sow”. We are supposed to bear the consequences of our actions. Indeed, that’s what often drives us to Christ–we see that we need Him because we can’t bear the consequences. But when we stop allowing others to reap what they sow, then we don’t just enable bad behaviour; we inadvertently encourage it because we feed selfishness.
You can actually “train” a spouse to be selfish.
I don’t mean to be simplistic, but humans react to incentives and disincentives. When there are incentives to being selfish (I get what I want) then we will do it; when there are disincentives (If I don’t think about my spouse’s well-being then we don’t get along well and there is distance), then we tend to learn to think of others.
I’m not saying that we should be mean. I am saying that there is a difference between serving someone in love and being subservient. Serving pursues their best; subservience pursues their every whim. One is focused on Christ; one is focused on the selfish heart.
Let me give you another scenario that isn’t focused on selfishness as much as it does brokenness, but has the same effect.
Let’s say that a woman gets married and she carries a lot of sexual baggage and shame because of the way she was raised. She has a hard time being vulnerable with her husband and often pushes him away; she runs away from sex; they have a very strained relationship. He tries to love her regardless. He tries to love her sacrificially. He doesn’t make demands. He showers her with love. Every now and then he tries to bring up the conversation about sex, and she tells him all the reasons why it’s all his fault. He continues to shower her with love, even though he’s getting more and more depressed.
Now, what is God’s best for her? It’s that she deals with her brokenness and learns to live in true freedom.
But what is he reinforcing? That her belief that sex is bad is perfectly valid and okay.
He’s allowing her to continue to be cut off from intimacy because no matter what she does he is showering her with love.
Love means pursuing someone’s best, not giving someone everything they want.
[clickToTweet tweet=”Love means pursuing someone’s best, not giving someone everything they want.” quote=”Love means pursuing someone’s best, not giving someone everything they want.”]
Do you have a hard time figuring out the difference between being NICE and being GOOD? These posts may help!
When Your Spouse Won’t Change
Is This the Last Straw? What to do if your spouse won’t change
Yesterday Rebecca wrote a post about the 10 best decisions a couple can make in the first years of marriage, because it’s in those first years that you set the foundation. And I believe that in those first years we often allow so many little things that are toxic–so many little things that represent disrespecting each other and enabling bad behaviour–that we actually contribute to our spouse becoming a more selfish and broken person. We allow them to run away from healing.
Here are just a few examples of what we can do in little things to reinforce treating each other well:
At the beginning of your marriage, eat dinner at a table, together. That way one person can’t take food another one cooked and go eat on their own, ignoring the spouse.
Certainly get your spouse a drink if you’re getting up to get yourself one. But if your spouse is getting up–ask them to get you a drink, too.
If your spouse demeans you or talks to you rudely, call them on it immediately (if you wait, you’ll get in arguments about “I didn’t really say that.”). Just say, “I would appreciate a different tone of voice”, or “I feel insulted when you talk to me that way,” or “Can you ask me that in a different way?”
Ask for help. If you need an errand run–ask. If you’ve folded the laundry, ask him (or her) to put it away.
If something important is missing in your marriage, like sex or affection or any deep conversation, then insist on going to a counsellor early. Don’t let it ride.
[clickToTweet tweet=”How does a marriage fall apart? When we start allowing others to treat us badly, we reinforce selfish behaviour. And suddenly there’s great distance and no affection. Little things do matter!” quote=”How does a marriage fall apart? When we start allowing others to treat us badly, we reinforce selfish behaviour. And suddenly there’s great distance and no affection. Little things do matter!”]
Look, I completely believe with letting small things go, with believing the best about a spouse, with scanning for things to praise rather than criticize, with routinely showing a spouse love. But at the same time, I think allowing a spouse to routinely dismiss your importance is not a healthy dynamic to set up, and is not good for anyone’s soul.
I don’t know a good way to explain quickly how to find that balance between not become critical but also not allowing disrespect, though I think I did a good job in 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage! But maybe we can try to wrestle through it in the comments together? Let’s try!
March 27, 2018
10 of the Best Decisions You Can Make in Your First Year of Marriage
Rebecca here on the blog today. Now that’s a lot of pressure on the beginning stages of a relationship! But what psychologists have found is that if you set up good habits in the first few years, you set yourself up for a lot of success later in your relationship. Those first 3 or so years set your foundation–and there’s a lot you can do to make sure it’s a good one!
So I wanted to talk about 10 of the best decisions you can make during that first year of marriage to set you up for success. And this one is going to be a long one, so let’s just jump into it!
1. Get your money in order
Money is one of the most common sources of tension in marriages. If you can get your finances sorted out early, not only will you save yourselves a lot of stress, but you’ll also be setting yourself up for a great financial situation down the line! Here are 3 main things you can do for your budget when you first start out to set you up for success:
Don’t buy a new car. If you can’t buy outright, don’t buy it.
If you’re just starting out, why pile on even more debt that you don’t need? You could buy a new car and have a car payment coming out every 2 weeks or you could just save up for a little while and then buy a used car outright for $5,000 that lasts you for years.
Pay off student loans before buying a house.
Student loans have become almost the status quo–we expect to be paying off our loans for decades!
Now, I recognize this is much harder in the US, where tuition is really expensive. But here in Canada the average student graduates with about $25,000 of student debt. Now, $25,000 is actually not very difficult to pay off. But it’s a heck of a lot harder when you add on a car payment and a mortgage for a house you were only able to put 5% down on.
Take a few years and pay off that debt. Live on next to nothing until you are in the green. Then look at these “adult” purchases–don’t buy them on borrowed money.
Learn how to budget together .
Can you trust your spouse with money? Are you trustworthy with the finances? These are things that are easy to nip in the bud but difficult to deal with after 10 years of careless spending. Get in the habit now of living on a budget–especially since that first year is usually one of the tightest financially! Connor and I used to get out $50 each in cash and that was all of our spending money for the entire month. Yep, the entire month. We did that for almost 2 years of marriage, until we started making more money and didn’t have to pay tuition anymore. And that year and a half of having almost no money really trained us early on to be able to talk about finances and make plans together without feeling overwhelmed or stressed about money.
10 of the BEST decisions every couple can make in their 1st year of marriage! Check them out:Click To Tweet
2. Sort out the housework early on
Figure out what your expectations are early on. Split up all the chores with clear expectations–cleaning the bathroom for some people includes the tub, whereas other families have that as a completely separate task. When does it need to be done? How often?
More than that, though, make sure that both of you are able to do all of it yourself. You never know when someone will get sick, and won’t be able to shoulder their load for a while. You are a team in everything–including the home!
3. Discuss boundaries with in-laws
What are some boundaries that need to be in place so that your in-laws aren’t overly involved in your marriage? What is realistic in terms of the amount of time you spend talking to them? What would be too much? Are there specific topics that need to be completely off the table when talking to your in-laws or your parents? Talk about it together, figure out what works, and recognize that it’s going to take some trial and error to find the right balance.
4. Make sex a real priority
I’m not saying “just have sex.” I’m saying make having a sex life a real priority. When you’re first married, it seems easy–you’re in that honeymoon phase! But when you start to exit that stage, make sure that you don’t leave sex at the gate.
Take time to learn what works for you, how to make it a priority, and how to enjoy your spouse. Not just how to enjoy sex–but how to truly enjoy your spouse.
5. Have clear expectations around time-wasters
My husband is a gamer. I like to knit and binge Netflix. We have these conversations a lot.
I learned quite quickly that when my husband starts playing mutiplayer games later in the evening, it ticks me off because it interferes with my routine. If I want to go to bed at 10:30 and he starts a game at 10:15, he’s not coming to bed until 11 at the earliest. So we decided that if he starts a game after 9:00 he has to ask me first. I’m not controlling him, but it gives me a chance to say “I wanted to spend some time catching up tonight, is it OK if you don’t this time?”
Likewise, I try to watch my shows while he’s playing his games. We get our goof-off time done at the same time so that we can spend time together. But most of all, we’ve made it a priority to spend time together first before we turn on the PS4 or log into Netflix.
Your marriage is the most important relationship you will ever have. Make sure you start it off on the right foot! Click To Tweet
6. Make having fun a part of your routine
Some time spent gaming or watching movies is alright, but make sure your marriage becomes more interesting than that! Connor and I realized we were getting really boring recently, so we started taking some classes individually but also scheduled more time to do things together. We’re going to start going rockclimbing again every month with another couple friend of ours, and we are starting to have more people over for games nights.
But more than that, it’s about having fun in the mundane, day-to-day activities. Have a bubble war when you’re doing the dishes! Play-wrestle when you’re folding laundry (and have to do it all over again as a result)! Don’t be afraid to be silly and dance like a goofball to cheesy disco music in the kitchen. Just have fun together, and a lot of that is about being silly!
7. Learn to catch him doing good things
What you focus on grows, and if you can start out your relationship focusing on his good traits and all the things you love about him, it really does grow. Too many times, though, we get caught in a rut of only seeing how he could be better, or where he’s not living up to our expectations.
Learn to train yourself to catch the good things. This isn’t natural for us–psychologically speaking, we’re far more primed to the bad than the good. That’s because focusing on the bad is more important for survival–does it really matter if you notice the pretty flower as much as if you notice the panther about to jump out at you? But because we’re so primed to see the danger, we start seeing things that aren’t even real threats as huge monsters! He leaves his socks on the floor–he doesn’t appreciate me and is using me like an object. He doesn’t call back immediately–he’s so inconsiderate and immature, I bet he let his phone die again for the fifth time this week.
What could your marriage look like if you trained your “good” radar to be as strong–or even stronger–than your “disappointment” radar? Start exercising that part of your brain now! It really does change everything.
8. Invest in a support system
The vast majority of people will deal with at least one world-rocking tragedy in their lives. Discovering a spouse’s porn addiction, dealing with sickness, facing infertility–whatever it is, you will need people around you who you trust, who care about you, and who can be your support.
Invest your time and energy in finding some core friends for each of you and for the two of you together so you can know that if you need support, you have people who can gather around you to keep you accountable, pray for you, and help you however you need.
9. Learn to daydream about your spouse–and to not daydream about anyone else!
I’m probably going to write a whole post about this someday soon because I think it’s just so important, but here is a summary of my thoughts on the matter:
Fantasizing is not wrong. God gave us imaginations! But we need to learn how to harness that imagination and channel it towards our spouse. Learning how to daydream about your spouse and not let your mind wander to anyone else–no book you’re reading, song you’re listening to, or movie you’re watching–is such an important discipline. You have this awesome person who is completely yours and who you can give yourself completely to! So don’t muddle up your mind with images of other people, or compare your spouse to anyone else. Learn to revel in complete vulnerability and intimacy with your spouse, and to completely turn away from any sort of fantasy or curiosity about anyone other than him.
Have you done any of these 10 things that will help your marriage thrive? Check it out: Click To Tweet
10. Learn to talk to God together
As you’re adjusting to all of these new things that come with marriage, give your spiritual life together some special attention. Take the time you need to figure out how to pray together, what works for you to grow spiritually together, and how you can encourage and strengthen each other.
If you can start your marriage being able to communicate about the important things–including your walk with God–you are set up for so much more success than if you push these conversations under the rug. So let’s get them out into the light and start talking!
What are some of your best tips for newlyweds? What were some things that you did in the first years of marriage that you are so happy you are grateful for? Let’s chat about it in the comments!
Does Your Sex Life Need a Pick-Me-Up?
Maybe it's gotten stale. Maybe it's never felt that great. Or maybe you just feel like you're missing something!March 26, 2018
Reader Question: How Do I Get Over the Shame of Losing my Virginity?
That’s a question I get quite a bit. And when I was writing The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, one of the themes that kept popping up in my surveys was women saying how much shame they felt for having sex before they were married. We carry a lot of this around.
This week on the blog we’re going to be talking about beginnings and making good decisions, and I want to talk to this woman about how losing your virginity does not mean that you can’t have a new beginning. She writes:
Hi. I’m a 21 year old college student. I grew up in a very dysfunctional but nevertheless Christian home. I lost my virginity in a one night stand 4 months ago. As a result, I stopped leading at my youth group, I’ve taken a step back in church, and if anything triggers the experience, I start throwing up. 3 months ago, I had sex again. Another one night stand. Except this time I had a conversation with the guy beforehand and really liked him. Now I can’t get over him. He didn’t ask for my number and we haven’t seen each other since. My friends, who aren’t saved, have told me that I’m not “woman” enough to have sex because I can’t do it without getting emotionally attached. I’m left feeling broken and hurting and not knowing what to do. I’m not proud of my decisions but I’m scared I’ll do it again and I’m scared that I won’t marry the kind of man I want to marry because I already messed up.
Oh, wow. I’m so sorry for this young woman!
I’ve actually written a lot about purity and how we talk about it, and I have a number of posts (and a video) that may help this woman. So I’m going to share some thoughts and then some links where we can flesh this out a bit more:
First, we talk about purity wrong. Purity ≠ Virginity
We tell people that purity is all about what they do with their body, as if it’s something that can be lost. Yes, you can no longer be a virgin. You may have intercourse. But that doesn’t mean you’re impure!
What makes us pure is not what we do with our bodies. It’s what Jesus did with His.
[clickToTweet tweet=”Yes, you can lose your virginity. But you can’t ultimately lose your purity, because purity is not based on what we do with our bodies. It’s based on what Jesus did with His.” quote=”Yes, you can lose your virginity. But you can’t ultimately lose your purity, because purity is not based on what we do with our bodies. It’s based on what Jesus did with His.”]
My daughter Katie quoted that in a video she made on purity, and I encourage everyone to watch it.
We have made losing your virginity into the worst sin in the world
You may have made a mistake and done something you regret. But Jesus’ grace is new every morning. And losing your virginity does not make you a worse sinner than other sinners.
Yes, there are good reasons to wait for marriage for sex, and I’ve written a lot about those reasons. I do want people to have the best. But I think inadvertently by teaching that we should wait we heap shame onto losing your virginity far more than we do other sins.
But just because you didn’t does not mean that all is lost. When we see it as an all or nothing thing, though–“well, I’ve already lost my virginity, so what does it matter anymore?”–then we’re more likely to act in a self-destructive way, by repeating behaviour we don’t want to do because that’s what we think we deserve.
[clickToTweet tweet=”Waiting for marriage to have sex is wonderful. Having sex before marriage, though, does not make you the worst sinner in the world. How can we restore balance to this message?” quote=”Waiting for marriage to have sex is wonderful. Having sex before marriage, though, does not make you the worst sinner in the world. How can we restore balance to this message?”]
Finding peace involves seeing yourself in the same way that Jesus does. Jesus is the Truth; when we let our thoughts line up with Truth, we’ll find healing. So go to Him and ask how He sees you!
And read this: A Letter to Those Who Feel as if They’ve Lost Their Purity.
It’s me sharing my heart, and my apology for contributing to any of the shame that you’re feeling.
You Are Not Alone–Find some people to help!
Finally, this woman seems to feel like she is tainted so much, and that she is the exception. But I know from my surveys that she is not. When we let shame define us, we often hide. She’s stepping back from church because it’s triggering her shame. She’s getting involved with friends who are leading her in a bad direction because she’s likely blocking good friends out of her life.
You “lost your virginity.” You did something you regret, yes. But that does not have to define you! Talk to some people in your church. If they won’t talk about it, find another Christian group on campus where you can be open and authentic, and ask for prayer. Get yourself a community!
The problem is not that you are too bonded during sex.
I understand that you obsess over this second guy that you slept with. That’s normal. An awesome book that talks about the “hooking up” phenomenon on college campuses, and how that impacts women’s emotions, is Unprotected, and I urge you to read it. Your friends are wrong. It’s not that you have to train yourself to become emotionally disengaged during sex. It’s that you have to put sex back in its rightful place (marriage) because you recognize that it IS bonding.
Don’t try to lose that aspect. But you do need to break whatever ties you feel you have with this man and move on. Reading that book may help you see that you are not alone.
Finally, one more book recommendation about handling sex & dating now.
Unprotected explains why you feel the way you do. Andy Stanley’s The New Rules for Love, Sex and Dating is a practical book that will tell you what to do now to have that relationship you still dream of. That book has the best dating advice I’ve ever read, and it’s specifically for people in your situation–who have messed up and can’t figure out how to do things in a different way. He’ll show you how.
I hope that helps. But the big thing I want you to remember is that you are precious. You may have regrets about your past, but that doesn’t mean you need to carry shame with you, and it doesn’t mean you have to live with bad decisions now. You can turn things around! Surrender the shame to Jesus, be honest about your shortcomings, and then surround yourself with community who can help you stick to the new decisions you’re making.
What do you think? How hard is it to get your dating life back in order after you’ve “lost your virginity” (I don’t like that phrase anymore!)? Let’s talk in the comments!
March 23, 2018
What’s the Difference Between a Marital Aid and a Sex Toy?
Yes, I think there can be, and since we’re talking about embracing your sexuality this week, I thought I’d tackle this one to wrap up. And thanks to Le Snuggle for sponsoring this, too!
I’ve written several posts now on how I don’t believe that sex toys are necessarily a great idea (and how those Christian sex toy parties make me nervous!) Sex is supposed to be intimate physically, yes, but also emotionally and spiritually. And sometimes when we feel like something is missing in our sex lives we try to find a gadget so that we feel awesome. But that can leave us empty. What really brings the most physical pleasure quite often is boosting our intimacy in other ways. When I wrote The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, I found that the women who were the most sexually responsive tended to also be the ones who felt closest to their husbands. The more that we grow the emotional side, the more the physical will tend to feel good. And sometimes we short circuit that process and miss out on the best.
I don’t believe that such things are necessarily sinful; only that we should tread carefully.
And in our porn culture where so much has made sex impersonal and anonymous, sex toys can reinforce that rather than work to create emotional and spiritual intimacy.
What's in The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex?
Billions of people have had sex.
I don’t know how many have really made love.
And in The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex–I teach you how to do exactly that. I show how God intended sex to be intimate in three ways: spiritually, emotionally, AND physically. And I show you how to get there, too!
If you’ve struggled with figuring out what all the fuss is about, or you feel held back in marriage because you just can’t embrace your sexual side, then check out The Good Girl’s Guide!
You were meant for more.
That being said, I do think that there is a role for marital aids.
So let’s look at the difference! Many sex toys’ purpose is to bring someone to orgasm faster, or to replace certain body parts. Others are meant to be part of “sexual play”, such as bondage gear.
The problem with the latter can be that it prevents real intimacy by making sex “hot” because it’s degrading, rather than because it’s intimate. The problem with the former is that it can create almost a solitary sexual experience. You receive pleasure, but your spouse has very little to do with it. And if the toy makes it easier to reach orgasm than it is without your spouse, then that can actually detract from sexual intimacy, not contribute to it. It can also make it harder to respond physically to your spouse.
Again, I’m not talking about sin. I’m talking about how it’s important to be wise and to ask if this is something that will actually help your intimacy or take away from it. Like Paul said in 1 Corinthians 10:23:
“I have the right to do anything,” you say—but not everything is beneficial. “I have the right to do anything”—but not everything is constructive.
Marital aids, I would say, fulfill a different role than standard sex toys.
Some people have physical issues that prevent intercourse from being physically stimulating enough to reach orgasm. When physical issues bar normal sexual response, then marital aids can indeed serve a very good purpose.
Marital aids sounds like an archaic, embarrassed way of saying sex toys. But honestly--some products are genuinely AIDS that we need to know about!Click To Tweet
People who have movement or pain issues may benefit from certain “toys”
Those with paralysis, fibromyalgia, or other pain conditions may find different positions impossible or taxing, or just plain painful, making thrusting difficult. In this case, some help may very well be warranted!
Men who have arousal difficulties or erection difficulties could benefit from certain devices
Some medical conditions can make erections very difficult (even after certain cancers, as well). Some devices, such as rings, can make erections easier to maintain. Other devices he can use on her to help her feel good, even if he can’t.
People who find intercourse isn’t stimulating enough due to being too loose after childbirth
When your vagina is too loose after you’ve had multiple children, especially if your husband is on the smaller side, this can cause quite a bit of distress and frustration. While there are exercises that you can do (I talk about them here in my post on what to do if you’re too loose), for some that isn’t sufficient, especially if he is on the smaller side. Le Snuggle was developed by a Christian family who reads this blog, for the purpose of helping couples get maximum sexual enjoyment even if things aren’t fitting the best!
It’s a device that you insert before intercourse that “fills” you up a bit so that you’re more snug, giving a tighter sexual experience. And it’s medical grade silicone, so it’s pliable and won’t stretch you out anymore than you already are. (So don’t worry about that!)
Here’s what it looks like:
Gail from Houston said this:
“After having had 5 children, my husband and I have tried everything out there to improve our fit. Le Snuggle accomplished this the first time we tried it. I was looking into vaginal rejuvenation surgery when we were asked to participate in testing of this product. I have since cancelled my appointment.”
God designed us to experience sexual pleasure in marriage, and if health conditions or physical conditions are keeping you from being able to do that, it’s absolutely okay to get some help! It doesn’t mean you’re a failure (any more than wearing glasses means we’re failures). And it isn’t something you need to be embarrassed about. It’s a way to keep sex fun, exciting, and pleasurable even when physical changes come.
What about people with vaginismus?
What if you’ve got the opposite problem–that you’re too tight, rather than too loose? There’s information on what aids can help you when you’re too tight as well. One word of caution, though: I know many women suffering from vaginismus who have been told to use a vibrator. I’d steer clear. Even if you’re too tight for penetration, your husband can still bring you to orgasm manually or orally, and that way you both will get to know your body better. And do seek out a pelvic floor physiotherapist who can help! There are things you can do to help you recover (I did!).
I do get a LOT of questions about sex toys. Indeed, every time I do my Girl Talk event at churches where I talk about sex and marriage (I’m doing some in Australia in May!), there are ALWAYS questions about sex toys in the Q&A period.
So I wanted to clarify a little bit my thinking on it. When it comes to just making sex “hotter”, I’d exercise some discernment. But if you have physical issues that are making normal sexual arousal and response difficult, then please seek out some marital aids where available. They’re there to help you–and it’s okay to need help!
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March 22, 2018
When Your Husband Says He Wants More Variety in Bed
This week we’ve been talking about embracing your sexuality (with a little detour for some current events about sexual abuse in the church), so I thought I’d tackle the issue of what to do if your husband wants more variety in bed. I’ve had a lot of emails about it lately, and I thought I’d rerun something that I wrote a while ago that sums it all up well. The emails around sexual variety tend to go like this:
My husband wants to do things in bed that I’d rather not. Do I really have to?
Excellent question! So let’s look at some background before I get really practical.
1. Our Bodies are Meant to be Enjoyed!
Honestly, sex is supposed to be fun. God designed us women with the clitoris, a little knobby bit of flesh that has absolutely no purpose except for making sex feel great. And the clitoris even has more nerve endings in it than the penis! So God wanted us to enjoy our husbands sexually. And to me that means there’s a lot of freedom in what we do. The body is not something that we have to be ashamed of. Many women just don’t like thinking about different body parts, and can’t say the names. Now, that’s okay. That really is. I know lots of women who can orgasm during sex but cannot actually say the words for different body parts without blushing.
But I’d encourage you to start thinking more about the wonderful body that God did give you. The whole body is holy, not just parts of it. In fact, the idea that the body was bad and the spirit was good actually came from a cult, not from Christianity. It was Christianity that brought back the idea that the body is actually something beautiful. We’re going to be resurrected with real bodies, based on these ones. God didn’t get rid of the body entirely, or make it just for this earth because He had to. He chose to give us bodies, and bodies are good.
So there is nothing wrong with having fun in bed, and there is nothing unholy about certain body parts or even certain positions. The “missionary position” is not the holy position, which God lets us do just to be nice, while He denies us everything else. In fact, many women who responded to my anonymous surveys for The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex reported that other positions actually felt physically much more satisfying to them.
That doesn’t mean that absolutely EVERYTHING you can do with your body is good or right; some of the degrading things women act out in porn are obviously not okay, and certain sexual practices (like anal sex, for instance) can lead to harmful medical problems. So I’m not saying you have to do everything. But many things that women say no to are perfectly okay!
How do you decide what's healthy to do in bed, and what can be harmful or degrading? Some guidelines here!Click To Tweet
2. We Aren’t Supposed to be Coerced in Bed
At the same time, sex isn’t supposed to be something which makes you feel uncomfortable or where you feel coerced. If you feel that your husband’s request for sexual variety is really out of sexual selfishness or something dirty or odd, you don’t have to say yes! But if you do say no, then make sure that you make the things that you do feel comfortable with really great for him.
3. We Shouldn’t Enable Any Porn Habits
If part of what your husband wants you to do is sinful in and of itself (like watching porn together), obviously you say no. And if he wants you to act out things he’s seen, be careful, because this could be solidifying some porn addiction. Sex should be something that allows you to connect spiritually and emotionally as well as physically. If you’re concentrating on more and more bizarre sexual practices, then chances are you’ve missed the aphrodisiac qualities that come from making love while you really feel spiritually connected.
4. Husbands Often Have Different Sexual Desires than We Do
Just because we shouldn’t emulate porn, though, does not mean that everything that your husband wants to do besides missionary position sex is like porn. Remember that men’s arousal works differently than ours. They tend to be more sight oriented, and so they may enjoy things where they get to see more. Different positions can also feel tighter for them, and that can be very physically pleasurable. So they may want to do more things not because they’re perverts but just because it’s really fun for them!
5. Sometimes Women Find one Way that Works and We Want to Stick With It
Let’s face it, girls: having an orgasm during intercourse isn’t the easiest thing to do. It takes a lot of concentration, total relaxation, and the right physical stimulation. Often it takes women years to be able to accomplish this (and many of you reading this haven’t yet), and when you do get it, you want to keep doing it. But since you’ve figured out the way that works for you, you may not want to try other things to mess it up!
There’s nothing wrong with one way, if it feels really good. But that doesn’t mean that you can’t use other things as foreplay!
When your husband wants more variety in bed--thinking through the issues.Click To Tweet
So with that background, assuming that the sexual variety he wants is something that you’re comfortable with, here are some practical ideas to see your sex life become ramped up:
1. Go to Bed Earlier
It sounds silly, but often the reason that we don’t want “sexual variety”–which usually involves us moving around a little bit more than we’re accustomed to–is because we’re simply tired. Don’t give your husband your leftovers. Every now and then, retire early and have fun. Or make love in the morning when you’re not tired! Remember, adults need bedtimes, too!
2. Have “His” and “Her” Nights
One woman in my survey had exactly this issue. She liked plain old missionary position sex. She tended to orgasm that way, and she liked looking into his eyes. He wanted to try a variety of positions and things and drag it out. So they would make love once her way, and then once his way. And once a month they’d also have “Fantasy Nights” where they stretched each other’s boundaries a bit–within proper limits. He was really happy, but she also got what she wanted. I think that’s a good compromise!
Read more on how “His” nights and “Her” nights can help you!
3. Try a Super Fun App
Want to try more in bed, but are you kind of embarrassed about suggesting anything in particular? Do you find it easier if you don’t have to say it out loud? Let the Ultimate Intimacy App guide you through! It’s super fun, super romantic, and super clean! I love the Intimacy “Game” which directs you to try different things for different intervals (like 2 minutes each) and gradually leads you from merely romantic things to super hot things. And it’s a wealth of information on how sex works and how to spice things up with different positions (without using erotic pictures or anything graphic).
So many of you have tried it since I talked about it, I know, and a lot of you have left some awesome comments about how fun it is. One woman wrote:
Thank you for that suggestion! We we’re both very surprised and very pleased at how much fun it is, and it wasn’t awkward!
Check it out here! Or read my more thorough review of this amazing app for your sex life!
4. Take the Initiative
Sometimes, if you’re nervous about trying something, taking the initiative helps. If you’re the one who is doing it, or you’re the one calling the shots, it may not seem quite so intimidating, silly, or far out. So if you know that your husband would like “more”, then you be the one to arrange it. Spend all day thinking about it. How can you make it really fun for both of you? And then follow through! When you take the initiative in sex and plan, you’ll likely find that you’re looking forward to it, too!
5. Frequency Matters
Finally, The Generous Husband, in post that he wrote on variety in marriage, remarked that many men would rather have plain old sex–if they could simply have it more often. So if you really find stretching your boundaries intimidating, then do what you do enjoy much more frequently! You’ll likely find your husband is very satisfied with that.
Still need help thinking through these things or talking through them with your husband?
My book 31 Days to Great Sex is perfect for that! It’s 31 days of conversations (and fun exercises! 
March 21, 2018
About Andy Savage, Sexual Abuse, and Doing the Right Thing
I remember watching this story as it broke. On January 5, Jules Woodson’s story (the victim; she has chosen to make her real name public) appeared on The Wartburg Watch site: I Thought He Was Taking Me for Ice Cream. She recalled how she was 17-years-old and vulnerable from a parents’ divorce, and the youth pastor befriended her. One night, instead of driving her home, he took her to a secluded place in the woods and asked for oral sex. She felt she had no choice. The next day, she reported it to the associate pastor (someone who has consensual oral sex does not report it to a pastor the next day, by the way). Nothing was done. The next week she told her small group, and the church dismissed Andy, but never revealed why. They even threw him a going away party!
He stayed out of ministry for a few months and moved back home to Memphis, but within a few years he had founded Highpoint Church.
When I read that report, I knew he should resign immediately. I knew it was going to blow up, and blow up big.
I know some people who know Andy, and I phoned and said, “can’t anyone tell him to resign today? This is a mess, and it will blow up big in this climate, and I want to make sure he’s getting good counsel.”
But instead of resigning, that afternoon he issued a statement admitting to the “sexual encounter”, but saying he was taking a leave of absence. And that Sunday he read a statement to the church admitting to a consensual, immoral relationship. The church gave him a standing ovation. He went on a friendly national radio show a few nights later, and again portrayed it as consensual. He said they had a “mutual, organic moment.”
Again, Jules reported it the very next day to a pastor. Those are not the actions of someone in a “relationship”. And I think many men may not understand how completely traumatic forced oral sex is, especially to a teenager. I won’t go into details, but that is not pleasant, to say the least.
The press went crazy. It was covered on CNN, Fox, the New York Times. It was even the most read article on The Washington Post–“Megachurch pastor receives standing ovation after admitting to abusing a teenager”.
At issue is this one simple fact: When clergy is involved, there can be no consent. There is a power differential. Texas even has a clergy sexual abuse law. The DA in Texas said that he could have been charged at the time, but now the statute of limitations had run out.
In fact, last month Larry Cotton, the associate pastor to whom Jules originally reported the abuse, resigned, stating that it WAS against the law, he should have reported it, and it was not consensual.
But Highpoint members continued to defend Andy. It became a circus. On March 9, The New York Times produced a powerful video documentary showing Jules’ reaction to Savage’s “confession” in the church that day, along with ridiculous tweets from Highpoint Church members.
Finally, finally, Andy did the right thing.
I wish he had taken more responsibility in his statement (he said that “many wrongs occurred” rather than admitting that he COMMITTED many wrongs; and he still does not explicitly say that he committed a crime, which he did; plus he called it a “relationship”, which it was not.). But at least he resigned.
And what I really want to talk about today is this propensity we as Christians have to defend those who are accused, for fear that we will lose the ministry they created. We often close ranks, thinking that we don’t want to give God a bad name. Because more people know the senior pastor and like him than know the victim, more people tend to support the pastor. We don’t understand the victim’s pain, but we see the pastor’s ministry.
This is a mistake. What I heard again and again, even from pastors grappling with this situation, was this:
But Andy had a great ministry. Are we really saying he had to give all that up?
Or even this:
“Are we really saying the world would be a better place had Andy not gone into ministry at all?
I get it. But here’s a question for everybody:
Do you not think that God could have used someone else?
Let’s look at a Bible story that I think is very analogous to this. The people ask for a king, and God calls Samuel to anoint Saul. Samuel does, and Saul becomes king. He actually does a decent job. They have some military victories; the country is united. But later on, Saul commits a grave error. He performs a sacrifice to God that he was not legally supposed to do. He justified it to himself (I feel right about this), but he overstepped his bounds and his position.
So God rejected Saul as king. And God called David instead.
When the prophet Samuel confronted Saul, Saul couldn’t believe it. He listed all his amazing accomplishments for God (1 Samuel 15:20-21):
I went on the mission the Lord assigned me. I completely destroyed the Amalekites and brought back Agag their king….
Samuel told him that wasn’t the point. He had overstepped God’s law (verse 23):
For rebellion is like the sin of divination, and arrogance like the evil of idolatry. Because you have rejected the word of the Lord, he has rejected you as king.
It doesn’t mean that God rejected Saul as a person. He simply rejected him in the role of king. Saul could have stepped down and God could have used him in another way (maybe as a military commander), but Saul had done something which disqualified him from the monarchy.
When Saul overstepped his bounds, God rejected him as king, but not as a person. When a pastor abuses those under his authority, God rejects him as pastor.God can still use him elsewhere, just not as a pastor.Click To Tweet
Instead of owning up, though, Saul stuck around. Saul thought he’d still be a really good king! And the nation needed him. And the fact that Saul hung on cost so many people their lives in the wars that followed. He had supporters who loved him and who hung on both out of loyalty and gratitude. And many lost their lives needlessly.
David, though, turned out to be an awesome king. Had Saul stepped down, as he should have, David could have stepped in. God had already prepared him.
An abuser may have a great ministry TODAY. But do you not think that if they had resigned when they should have, God would not have a 'David' in the wings?Click To Tweet
Looking back on that story, if you were in Israel at the time, wouldn’t you have been on Saul’s side rather than David’s? David was the interloper and disrupter. Saul was their king who was doing cool things! Of course you defend the king. In retrospect, we think it was so obvious that David was God’s guy. But I don’t think it was as obvious at the time.
I believe that had Andy Savage left the pastorate altogether after his disqualifying failing, another person could have founded Highpoint. God already had a David in the wings. Had things gone the way they should have, shouldn’t we have faith that the church could have flourished, and then this scandal could have been averted?
And what about Andy himself? Like Saul, God never rejected Andy as a person; only as a pastor.
Do the right thing, and God will still use you. And there is no safer place to be that in God’s will.
Andy Savage & Highpoint Church: A Comparison with the David and Saul story. God rejected Saul as king; Saul wouldn't leave. And much harm was caused. Why we need to do the right thing IMMEDIATELY: Click To Tweet
And it was God’s will that Andy Savage own up to what he did back then, and humble himself. And then God would have been able to fully use him, without all this baggage. Apparently he’s a great speaker and great at marketing; he likely could have gone back to school and gotten his MBA and worked in the corporate world. He could have still ministered in a church, just to adults. He could have run a Celebrate Recovery group. He could have spoken at men’s retreats. He could have run Bible studies for businessmen at lunch times. He could have done lots of things and God likely had those prepared for him! God was not going to waste His gifts, but God also cannot be mocked.
But Andy didn’t do the right thing at the time. So God gave him another chance: resign when the story breaks, rather than causing two and a half months of turmoil in the press for all to see.
The lesson, to me, is to never assume that you are so indispensible to God that God would want you to avoid doing the right thing. And when your secrets find you out, don’t delay. Take responsibility.
And for the rest of us: be careful about supporting people who have done something that disqualifies them from ministry. Remember, Jesus doesn’t need us protecting His reputation by sweeping things like this under the rug.
When it comes to sexual abuse in the church, Jesus doesn't need us protecting His reputation. He needs us protecting the vulnerable. Indeed, THAT'S how we protect His reputation.Click To Tweet
No amount of “good deeds” since make up for assault. Some things are disqualifying for ministry. But they are not disqualifying from a life serving God. There are ways to serve God without being a pastor; if you have committed a crime or abused those under your authority, then you’re not to be a pastor anymore. So humble yourself and serve God elsewhere.
There is another story in the national news right now about sexual abuse in churches.
The leadership of Sovereign Grace Ministries covered up sexual abuse in their churches for years, requiring adherents to not report to police but to handle it internally. Rachael Denhollander, of Larry Nassar fame, has publicly taken them on, asking for an independent inquiry. Instead of complying, they have accused her of nefarious motives and ignorance.
Detailed statement, NOT including all available evidence.https://t.co/LOYkWNAeKq
— Rachael Denhollander (@R_Denhollander) March 17, 2018
For years, C.J. Mahaney, who was head of the organization at the time, has skirted responsibility, and big names at The Gospel Coalition have supported him. It is time for them to remember the story of David and Saul. It is time for the church to stop trying to protect those in power, and start protecting the vulnerable. It is time for all of us to get this right.
Why is it that we protect those in power rather than protect the victims? What can we do to change this church culture? Let’s talk in the comments!
March 20, 2018
Your Sex Pep Talk: 10 Ways to Look Forward to Sex!
As my longtime readers know, I blog mostly about sex in marriage. And the questions I get tend to come from a negative starting point: how do I jumpstart my libido again after I’ve had a bunch of kids? How do I start seeing it as something fun when it’s become so boring? How can I look forward to sex when I’ve never had an orgasm and I’m starting to doubt I really will? Or, like yesterday’s reader question, how can I want sex if I hate my body?
The problem is that the more we focus on these negative things–I have no libido and can’t get in the mood; I can’t have an orgasm; sex is boring—the more it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.
But here’s the good news: because our sex drives are almost entirely in our heads, we have an amazing weapon! We can deliberately tell ourselves good things, and that can actually change our experience of sex! If we’re lying there during sex, waiting to feel good, and letting our mind wander, nothing will happen. But if we start giving ourselves positive messages, sex will feel so much better–and we’ll feel so much closer to our husbands, too!
So here you go, for Top 10 Tuesday: 10 positive things to tell yourself about sex.
And be sure to read down to the end for my special FREE 10-day email reminders to help YOU get in a sexier frame of mind!
Do you find it hard to look forward to sex? Just can't get in the mood? 10 things to tell yourself about sex throughout the day--so you can have fun later! Click To Tweet
Positive Things to Tell Yourself about Sex When You’re Getting Dressed
1. My body was created to feel pleasure.
When to say this: When you’re in the shower, when you’re on your own throughout the day–just smile to yourself!
Why say this: Sometimes we forget that we exist from the neck down. We tune the rest of ourselves out. Don’t! Pay attention to your body throughout the day, and remember that no matter what shape your body is in, it can still feel wonderful.
2. My body drives my husband crazy!
When to say this: When you’re drying off or choosing your clothes for the day
Why say this: The most negative we feel about our bodies tends to be when we’re paying attention to it naked. You step out of the shower and you see all the fat rolls you want to ignore. You can’t find anything you feel good in, or you pull on your jeans and see the muffin top. Remind yourself that your husband doesn’t see you this way. He loves seeing your body! He loves enjoying your body. Let his enjoyment matter more than your own vicious self-criticism!
(And what if he criticizes your body? Then read this post instead on what to do when your husband says you’re not attractive!)
Positive Things about Sex to Tell Yourself Early in the Day
3. I am going to rock my husband’s world tonight!
When to say this: Throughout the day. Even text it to him!
Why say this: Sometimes we’re insecure. We think our bodies aren’t good enough or that we aren’t good enough. But tell yourself–I’m going to make him feel amazing! And then, tonight, jump him! Be the one to initiate sex or the one to get on top, and see the effect you have on him. It makes you feel powerful–and that helps you feel better about sex!
4. I can reach orgasm one day. There is nothing wrong with my body!
When to say this: Whenever you get depressed or doubtful about sex.
Why say this: If orgasm doesn’t happen, we can often feel hopeless. But there’s nothing wrong with your body. You simply need to learn to relax more and not worry about it too much; concentrate on the pleasure, not the goal; and maybe tweak a little bit what you’re doing. I’ve got a post on that here, and tons in both my books, The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex and 31 Days to Great Sex.
A Sex Pep Talk When Your Day Goes Badly
5. I want to laugh together tonight.
When to say this: Throughout the day, whenever you’re stressed.
Why say this: Sex is one of the best tension relievers! And sex helps you feel so much closer. If you’re having a bad day–remember, sex can be something that relaxes you and turns your mood around! And when you end up laughing with your husband, everything else seems to fade into the background. And sex can indeed cause a lot of laughter, because it is so personal, that it’s like a little ‘inside joke’ you share.
6. I deserve to feel good tonight.
When to say this: When you’re exhausted with your children.
Why say this: When we go into “mommy” mode we often think that we can’t escape it. Our libidos are gone. But fight back! If you’re in mommy mode, that’s all the more reason that you need to have great sex tonight. Maybe trying to focus on boosting your libido or on getting excited isn’t working. But try this approach: instead of saying, “he needs to feel close to me”, or “I know sex is important in our marriage”, or “I know I should”, say, “I deserve this!” Because you do! You were created to feel great. And so fight for it. Fight to get out of the mommy funk and feel like a wife again!
7. I can be a wildcat!
When to say this: When you’re bored during the day or you get depressed about routine in your life.
Why say this: Remember that sex can be an antidote to monotony. Instead of letting the monotony in the rest of your life infect your sex life, let your sex life be something that breaks the monotony! Smile to yourself and realize, “even if everyone else sees me as nothing but a busy mom or as a secretary or as a waitress, I can be wild!” And then imagine some wilder things you can do to be more adventurous in bed. It’s a great confidence boost!
Positive Things to Tell Yourself About Sex When You’re with your Hubby!
8. I love feeling my husband inside me.
When to say this: When you’re going for a walk with your husband or you’re just talking with him.
Why say this: Jumpstart your libido by letting yourself daydream when you’re talking to him! Making love is such an intimate experience, so when you’re with your hubby just talking, remember that “this can go further”, and I like that!
9. I am going to feel so relaxed after this.
When to say this: Earlier in the night, when you’re really tired and you’re thinking that you don’t want sex.
Why say this: Remember–sex puts you to sleep! And so you’ll sleep better. Instead of saying, “not tonight, honey. I’m too exhausted,” say, “Come put me to sleep, baby!”
'Want to enjoy great sex in your marriage? Then tell yourself great things about sex!'Click To Tweet
10. I love my husband and I want our marriage to be rock solid.
When to say this: When you’re heading to bed.
Why say this: To remind yourself that sex is more than sex; it’s also making love. And the most precious thing you have on this earth is your marriage–it’s the foundation for everything else. Isn’t it great how sex can cement that relationship?
Marriage is where sex goes to THRIVE! Top 10 Positive things to tell yourself about sexClick To Tweet
In short, ladies, get your head out of thinking about your to-do list and all the things that rob you of pleasure, and get your head thinking about all the things that give you pleasure.
Why? Because you’ll sleep better; you’ll have a stronger marriage; you’ll be more relaxed; you’ll feel more confident; and little things won’t bug you as much in your everyday life.
Sex has such tremendous benefits, but sometimes it’s hard to flip that switch and get “in the mood”. So fight back! Tell yourself good things. And see what a difference that will make!
Do you struggle with thinking positively about sex throughout the day?
I’ve created a FREE 10-day email sequence that gives you prompts throughout the day! Each day you’ll get a quick email with ONE thought to focus on, which will also have some fun ideas to text him and a challenge to put it into practice.
It’s super fun, super easy, and super quick! But it will help your mind focus in a much more positive direction.
>> Yes! I need a pep talk! (Sign Up Here!) <<
Now let me know in the comments: what message do YOU have to tell yourself about sex?
March 19, 2018
Reader Question: Why Can’t I Get In the Mood?
For the next few days we’re talking on the blog about how to embrace your sexuality, and I want to start with this reader question from a woman who finds that she dreads sex because she hates her body. She writes:
What do you do when you don’t want to be intimate with your husband because you are ashamed of your body? I struggle with self esteem issues that cripple my ability to be intimate. The thought of what my husband is feeling or seeing takes all sex drive away from me. My body turns me off and I cannot bear to be seen or touched. Our children are 7 and 9 and we both work, the kids are in activities everyday. So between work, school drop off, housework, cooking, shuttling to activities, groceries, etc, I’m exhausted and can barely shower/ shave. I’ve found it very important that I look and feel as sexy as possible in order to feel intimate and I just haven’t been able to make it happen. Spontaneous sex is horrifying – I probably need to shave, touch up makeup, spritz some perfume, and have something other than leggings and a big shirt on. I feel bad turning my husband down for sex but I’m just too embarrassed of what I’ve tuned into. I want to be a fulfilling wife and have a full filling marriage – I want to want sex , but it just isn’t there. I feel he deserves better but I can’t get over this hump of awkwardness and shame over my physical self. Any tips for rediscovering that intimacy and getting over busy issues?
Sometimes I read letters and they really grieve me, because all I can see is how much we women are sabotaging our own happiness. It’s not that we’re doing it deliberately. But we aren’t fighting hard enough for what we know is right and what we know is God’s best for us.
And that’s what it needs to be–a fight.
I don’t mean to be harsh with this woman. I know she’s hurting. But here’s the simple truth: the reason that she is hurting is because she is listening to voices in her head that are wrong, and because she is allowing shame into her life. And nothing, absolutely nothing, can fix that except for her. The answer lies with her.
That’s what the apostle Paul said, too, when he wrote this in 2 Corinthians 10:4-5:
The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. 5 We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.
She needs to start treating her self-defeating attitude and her self-defeating actions like a war that she is fighting. When a thought comes into her head that makes sex seem awful or her body seem ugly, she has to fight, because she is in a war, on several fronts:
War #1: She Is Being Told Her Body is Inadequate
First, our culture is at war with her, telling her that she’s too fat and that she’s undesirable, because our culture has made sex only about the body, rather that about intimacy. So you can’t have sex unless you’re a certain size.
But let’s remember why our culture preaches that! As I share in my Girl Talk, the talk I give for women in churches about sex and marriage, God designed sex to be intimate in three ways: physically, spiritually, and emotionally. But when you take sex outside of marriage, the physical is all you have left. That makes “being sexy” far more important than it ever used to be, and leads to really ridiculous standards of beauty, the ones that we see on magazine covers in the checkout lines. When sex is only physical, it becomes very shallow.
Most women who feel inadequate and feel ugly have husbands who would love to see their wives naked more. But the shame that we women feel means that we don’t let our men see us naked. We deprive them of what they want, and we deprive ourselves of the joy that God designed us to take in our physical bodies.
So let me ask you a question: To whom are you giving the power to define your body’s worth? Is it our culture, which has corrupted sex and made it shallow, or is it God, who made you in His image and made sex to be so much more than that?
To whom are you giving the power to define your body's worth when it comes to your marriage? Our culture, which has corrupted sex and made it shallow, or God, who made you in His image and made sex to be so much more than that?Click To Tweet
And if you want to let God define your beauty, then you have to fight the negative self-talk! When you get a thought about how ugly you are, you have to replace it with how God feels about you. You have to fight! God wants you to win this fight, but He doesn’t fight it for you. He asks you to enter the battle.
War #2: She’s Surrendering to Our Culture
There’s another war going on here, though. It’s not just that our culture is defining her beauty; it’s that she’s fighting a mental war with herself about her worth. And she’s surrendering in that war.
Our culture tells her she doesn’t measure up. And so what does she do? She stops showering. She stops shaving. She never puts on makeup. She goes around the house in leggings and a big shirt.
Now, stop it! Ladies, comfort and lack of time is nothing but an excuse. It takes no more time to put on a well-fitting pair of jeans and a nice top as it does to put on leggings and a baggy t-shirt. Lack of time is not the problem. So stop using that as an excuse!
As I showed in my Fight the Frump series, I can get dressed, with makeup on, in under five minutes. That’s it. And I can shower and shave in under 5 minutes, too. There simply are not excuses for this.
It takes no more time to dress in a nice pair of jeans and an attractive top as it does to put on leggings and a baggy t-shirt. Lack of time is no excuse for being frumpy!Click To Tweet
The problem is not lack of time. The problem is lack of will. She has surrendered because she is allowing our culture to dictate her worth.
War #3: She’s Not Fighting for Her Priorities
She says that what she wants is a fulfilling marriage and to be a fulfilling wife. But is that true? She has her kids in activities every night. She’s overwhelmed by housework and paid work. And I can guarantee that she’s stressed to the max, which likely means that her kids and her husband are pretty stressed, too. Her family life must be running on max all the time.
So let’s just ask a question.
What would her life look like if she lived out her priorities–if she truly lived out wanting a fulfilling marriage?
She might cut down on kids’ activities so they could spend more time at home enjoying being a family, and feeling less stress.
This would likely significantly reduce their expenses (both on kids’ activities and on gas money to chauffeur them everywhere), which may allow them to deal with any debt they may have, or may even allow her or him to cut back on some hours at work
They could eat dinner more as a family and likely feel more connected, which would reduce the tension level and help her laugh more with her husband
She could have a conversation with her kids and her husband about sharing the load with housework, so that she wasn’t doing all the housework. That way she’d have more energy for relationship (and even for sex)!
Because she wasn’t as stressed, she could spend more time in the shower and she would feel better about herself, which would likely result in her choosing clothes that were more flattering.
If your priority is having a great marriage, then make sure how you spend your time and money reflects that!
If your priority is having a great marriage, then make sure how you spend your time and money reflects that! Having kids in activities every night means that your marriage likely comes last. Click To Tweet
Let me say this again: the only solution to feeling badly about your body is to stop feeling badly about your body because you tell yourself positive messages AND you start treating yourself well.
We treat ourselves the way we think we deserve. What does she think she’s worth? Nothing. Her kids and her household get all of her attention and time, and she gets nothing. And then, because she feels horrible about that, her husband gets nothing, too.
It comes down to a choice: Do you want our culture to determine how you feel about yourself and what your priorities should be, or do you want to decide for yourself, based on what you know is God’s best?
You’ve got to make that choice. And you’ve got to enter that battle!
And if you want help, I’m here. I created the Boost Your Libido course to help women get out of this rut and stop letting our culture determine how we should feel about ourselves and how we should spend our time.
It’s a 10-video course, with fun assignments, that build on each other so you see an immediate difference! In fact, after just the first video, one woman wrote this to me:
I just watched the first module video… tears flooding down my face – “There is nothing wrong with me!” I want to scream it out loud! Excited and a bit nervous to continue. But determined for my husband, myself and our marriage.
And the course addresses things like body image, busy-ness, and lack of a sex drive. And it gives you a game plan so that you can move ahead and actually start to live out your real priorities.
If what you truly want is a fulfilling sex life and a fulfilling marriage, then do something about it.
I know that’s scary. In many ways it’s easier to stay in the rut, because you’re used to it. You spend so much time worrying about other people that you don’t have time to think about how awful you feel about yourself.
But that is no way to live a life, and it’s certainly not the path to a fulfilling marriage. I think this is. And I hope it helps!
Let me know in the comments: Does bad body image make you dread sex? Do you have a hard time getting mentally ready because of what you feel you need to do first? Let’s talk!
The Best 31 Days of Your Marriage!
Read a few pages. Do what it says. Have incredible fun!
Learn to talk more, flirt more, and even explore more! You'll work on how to connect emotionally, spiritually, AND physically. And the ebook version is only $4.99!
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