Sheila Wray Gregoire's Blog, page 107

Top 10 Weird & Pathetic Things About Women Aging

Last Friday I spent the day recovering from our three week trip to Australia.

Oh, and I turned 48.

Yep. I’m getting older. Menopause is getting closer. The hot flashes are real.

And so I thought I’d devote this week to talk about some of the challenges of aging. Tomorrow I’m going to give us a menopause pep talk, and Thursday I’m going to share way too much information and let you in on a health problem I once had–and didn’t even realize it wasn’t normal! Then Friday I’m going to talk about how we can actually communicate with our teens (something that gets harder when you feel like you’re a different generation!).

But today I thought I’d invite J from Hot, Holy & Humorous back to talk about 10 weird (and pathetic) things about women aging. She wrote this a few years ago, but it fits so well into what I’m going through (even the snoring part! For shame!) that I thought it was worth revisiting.

Only one thing I’d add–chin hairs. Where did they come from?!?

Here’s J:

Just so all of you older ladies can nod in remembrance, you peer-aged women can utter “uh-huh” in solidarity, and you younger women can brace yourselves for the inevitable…let me confess my Top Ten (Annoying) Things about Aging.

1. Sometimes I cry for any ol’ reason or no good reason at all.

Most of the time, I’m fine—in normal emotional control. Then I’ll have a day or two or three when my tear ducts seem to have malfunctioned and my eyes turn into a fountain. Even chest-heaving sobs may make an appearance. When I ask myself what’s so awful that I’m melting into a puddle like the Wicked Witch of the West, I haven’t a clue. Maybe I heard bad news or had a stressful day, but such events wouldn’t normally send me into frenzy of weeping. So far, my best way of coping is to let it all out. As my grandmother (and King Solomon) would say, “This too shall pass.”

2. I can’t remember your name or where I put my glasses.

My memory has never been extremely sharp. I’m terrible at remembering birthdays and deadlines. (Thank you, calendar app!) But my memory has worsened to a dull edge that couldn’t cut softened butter. Not long ago, I had my husband and a few restaurant staff searching for a pair of glasses for several minutes before I found them…On. My. Face. And I simply have to apologize if I haven’t seen you in a long while and we run into each other in the store, because even though our children played together for three years straight, I have no idea what your name is. It’s buried somewhere under the hormonal hoopla happening in my brain.

3. Calories have turned evil and go straight to my waist.

I considered other options—such as a party magician blew up balloon animals and implanted them in my belly while I was sleeping; the extraterrestrial from the Alien movie left Sigourney Weaver’s tummy and slithered into mine; or my body is smartly storing blubber for an upcoming arctic winter (mind you, I live in Texas). Yet, I keep returning to aging and shifting body chemistry to explain why eating a cookie now translates to an inner tube appearing around my midsection. Thankfully, my husband has responded by saying there’s “more of you to love”…and suggesting we walk more often.

4. I’m allergic to new stuff—what’s up with that?

I stopped wearing earrings a few years ago, because suddenly, out of nowhere, my body developed a sensitivity to any kind of metal I tried to put through my earlobe hole. My body has decided to develop new allergies and sensitivities. I’ve become itchy during Spring when I never had issues before, and I have to carefully watch what I put on my skin or risk a rash that keeps me scratching during the day and awake at night. If this problem keeps expanding, I may need to live in a bubble.

5. My feet have gotten bigger, by which I mean “fatter.”

It must be the 40-plus years of walking on these feet that have finally managed to make them spread out like pancake batter on a skillet. Indeed, I read an article about how the tendons and ligaments lose elasticity in older age, resulting in bigger feet. And then it went on to predict that you could gain a half-size every 10 years past age 40. Good heavens! At that rate, I’ll be wearing my husband’s shoes by the time my dead feet are tucked into a casket.

6. The sleeping princess can snore like a fire-breathing dragon.

Remember that elasticity thing up there with the feet? It turns out that happens with your throat muscles too, so they collapse more in older age and can obstruct air flow just enough to make your pretty feminine self snore like a lumberjack. And since you’re sleeping, there’s not a thing you can do about it. You simply have to hope your husband snores louder so he doesn’t hear how you’ve become a midnight rumbler.

7. I want all the fan vents turned on me.

I don’t have hot flashes (not yet, at least), but I do get warmer than I used to. Not all the time, but often enough I’ve strategically placed fans around the house and turned all my car air-conditioning vents toward the driver’s seat. Now and then, I wake up in the middle of the night sweating and have to push off the covers, and the hubby a bit, to get cooler air moving around me. I haven’t yet had to clear out space in the freezer for a personal retreat, but I pray that’s not around the corner.

8. I should buy stock in a lubricant company.

As you grow older, your body may not moisturize quite so well…down there. A young wife may wish to buy stock in a personal lubricant company right now, so she can put that money back into her pocket when she forks it out for lube in later years. Vaginal dryness is a common complaint of perimenopause and menopause, and it’s quite possible for your brain to feel ready for sex with your husband and your body didn’t get the memo. So break out the bottle of whatever you use and improvise. It works. But I still wish Femallay were listed in my retirement fund. I’d feel a little better.

9. I have a permanent smudge on my nose (which my doctor calls an “age spot”).

I was sitting with a friend at lunch recently, and she said, “You have something on your nose.” I wiped the bridge of my nose, and she leaned forward and said, “Right there.” I wiped again. “Huh, it’s not—” she started, but I’d realized the problem and offered, “Oh yeah, I didn’t use concealer this morning. That’s my age spot.” And just to make sure it doesn’t get lonely, I have four other small “smudges” that have cropped up on my face that I’d like to take a cheese slicer too. But it probably wouldn’t help. My doctor says it’s normal, and even more age spots might join the party. Guess I’ve earned each of those stripes—or rather, spots.

10. I should be Kegeling right now, and every minute of the day.

We moms had already been complaining for years about the toll of childbirth on the pelvic floor. But aging leans out of the toll booth, open its hands, and slaps on its own tax as you as you journey through life.  I understand that doing squats could be a better solution, but all I can hear in my head sometimes is my gynecologist’s mantra on Kegel exercises: squeeze, release, squeeze, release. Some of you older women were doing it right then while reading those words, weren’t you?

So why share all the negative nitty-gritty about growing older and experiencing perimenopause and menopause? For one thing, you can see I haven’t lost my sense of humor. If anything, my funny bone has sharpened over the years.

And strangely enough, I’m more comfortable and confident about myself than I ever was in my teens, 20s, or 30s. So I’ll take the hassles and keep the number that is my age. Every year I grow older is another year to spend time with my family, build a better marriage, share the gospel of Christ, and yeah, laugh a little at myself and this thing called life.

J is an awesome blogger and friend from Hot, Holy and Humorous. She writes mostly about sex, and we’re great blogging buddies! She’s the author of Hot, Holy and Humorous, and you can read all her musings at her blog (where she tackles difficult reader questions, too!).

Getting to Know the Real Sheila–Up Close and Personal

I love blogging and talking with you every day!

And right now I’m getting over jetlag from our amazing trip to Australia. So I’m not in a mental state of mind to say anything particularly brilliant (am I ever? I hope you think so!

Women Are Not Like Slow Cookers

Have you ever heard the expression, “men are like microwaves, women are like slow cookers”?

It’s often uttered at marriage conferences, as if it’s very profound. Here’s what it means:

Men are like microwaves. They heat up quickly, and once they’re heated up, they’re really hot. Women, on the other hand, heat up very slowly. And they continue to cook, but very slowly. Then, by the time it’s all over, she’s really tender.

I don’t buy it.

Sure, there’s an element of truth to that, as every married woman will know. Men do tend to be “in the mood” almost instantaneously, if the thought crosses their mind. We women don’t work like microwaves at all.

But are we really slow cookers?

To say that we are implies that we will, eventually, actually heat up.

But we may not! The truth is that for us sex is primarily in our brains. We have to have our brains in gear for our bodies to follow. So it doesn’t really matter what he does to try to heat us up, we won’t heat up unless we also decide to. It’s a head thing.

You can really only say that women are like slow cookers if you also acknowledge that it’s women who control the switch. No one else can switch us on. It’s a decision that we make to enjoy this. And you all know what I mean. Have you ever been having a very good time with your husband when you realize all of a sudden that you don’t have milk in the fridge for breakfast in the morning? You start ticking off a mental grocery list in your head, and you’re gone! You’re not paying attention anymore, and your body follows into the abyss. Our heads need to be in the game for sex to work! That’s why, by the way, it’s often hard for a woman to a want to make love if she has a headache. The headache is a distraction, and when we’re distracted, we can’t concentrate.

When we can’t concentrate, our bodies often don’t work right.

That’s not true for men. I remember soon after I was married my husband caught a horrible virus. He was in bed with a fever of 103 and a rash all over, and I crept into the bedroom. “Is there anything I can do for you?”, I whispered in sympathy.

That all too familiar look came over his face, and he smirked. “Well, since you asked…”

I thought to myself, “He is sick! In more ways than one!” But what I’ve come to realize is that this is how God made us differently, and He made us this way for a reason.

Men’s bodies are more tuned to desire sex quickly and to be able to perform right away (though obviously there can be problems, which we may deal with in another article in the future). If God also made women the same way, then what would our lives together look like? We’d likely be physically intimate extremely frequently, but there would be no impetus to actually talk to each other, or get to know each other on a much deeper level.

Women, on the other hand, were designed to desire relationship first. For us, sex comes out of our feeling of being loved. When we feel safe and secure, we want to make love. If God made both genders like this, we’d probably be physically intimate far less frequently, and we’d miss out on the profound beauty that comes when we’re intimate both spiritually and physically at the same time.

Men make love to feel loved, whereas women need to feel loved in order to make love.

Our motivations are different, and our bodies respond differently. But it’s all so that both sexes have an incredible drive and need for each other that is expressed in slightly different ways. And that means that to get our primary need met, we have to meet each other’s primary need. We are forced to be selfless, generous, and giving in the marriage relationship.

That’s a good thing. So next time you’re wondering why your husband doesn’t want to talk and snuggle as much, and why he’s only interested in one thing, realize that he is not a lesser human being. It’s not that you are morally superior because you value relationship first; it’s that you are simply different, and that’s the way God made you.

And think about this: when you do make love, chances are he talks to you a lot more afterwards. He snuggles. And the next day his step seems lighter, and he’s more fun to be with. He’s all the things that you want, but it happens after you make love, not before.

Don’t concentrate so much on what you need; try to step out and give him what he needs, too. Think about sex in a positive way, where you’re “flipping the switch”, so to speak. Anticipate it. Enjoy it. Even initiate!  Think about how great it’s going to be to be with your husband tonight. Don’t just get in bed and then wait for him to turn you on. Jump in and be enthusiastic about it! Most women, when they start to make love, aren’t actually aroused yet. But once you start, your body follows if you make that mental decision to enjoy this. So just because you don’t feel “in the mood” first doesn’t mean you aren’t. It just means that your body hasn’t picked up your mental signals yet. When it does, you’ll probably be fine. And if you do initiate, you’ll find that your own emotional needs for more connection will likely be fulfilled as well.

That’s how God made us. It works beautifully when we decide that we’re going to give to each other. So can you make that decision, even if you can think of all the things he’s doing wrong? Someone has to take that first step and decide to reach out. Can it be you today? Why not pray and ask God to make you thoroughly excited for your husband. Ask God to help you anticipate being with him tonight. And you just may find that you’ll heat up, after all!

What do you think of the “women are like slow cookers, men are like microwaves” mentality? Let’s chat about it in the comments below!

Should it be a Struggle to Not Have Sex Before You’re Married?

Should not having sex before you’re married be a struggle?

We talk a lot about marriage and sex on this blog, but what about sexual temptation before you’re married?

It’s Rebecca on the blog today, and I’m tackling a bit of a weird one. After reading the comments and some replies we got about the post last week: Women: Do We Understand What Rejection Does to Husbands? and I recognized a trend among some women.

Some women get married without ever having experienced real sexual attraction to their husband. Even when they were dating.

They may recognize that sex will inevitably happen when they get married, but they don’t particularly want it. And I wanted to talk about that a bit, because I think it’s very concerning.

My concern is that women haven’t been told that sex is important to them, too–not just for the guys!

And for a lot of girls, this results in them learning to complete shut off their sex drive.

In youth group, girls are told again and again that boys want sex and girls shouldn’t give it to them. Very few of these talks acknowledge that girls have sex drives, too, and that sex is just as important for wives as it is for husbands. This mentality often carries on into the pulpit as these girls grow up into adults.

So from the time they hit puberty, women are pretty much told, “You are a pure, lovely virgin. And when you get married, you’ll have to do this thing called sex for your husband. So make sure you don’t do it before, or you won’t be desirable to your future husband because you won’t be pure.” (Which, by the way, is a lie, and not what God intended the message to be.)

So it becomes pretty easy to see how girls could get into relationships and never really want sex--we’ve been taught that it’s wrong to have a sex drive, because that’s not what girls were made for. Girls were made to be the gatekeepers of sex, not the instigators!

Once you’re married, though, that mentality just doesn’t work.

And that’s because sexual attraction is a perfectly natural and important part in a relationship. No, sex isn’t the only part of a marriage. But neither is talking, but you wouldn’t marry someone you never wanted to talk to. When girls start to internalize these messages of guilt, however, we start to see sexual attraction as a sin, so we learn to shut it down.

But really, sexual attraction is not the same thing as lust.

Lust is wrong. Lust a sin, it’s a conscious choice to ruminate on you’re intense sexual desire for someone. But the initial sexual desire isn’t wrong–that’s temptation. Lust is when we give into the temptation and start to obsess over it, seeing that person more as an object of sexual pleasure than a whole being.

Being sexually attracted to your boyfriend is not the same thing as lusting after him. You can want very much to have sex with him but decide that you’re not going to obsess over it because you don’t want to make the temptation any harder than it already is. That’s not lust.

But there should be that sexual attraction in serious relationships. That doesn’t mean you have to be with a perfect 10. Often for girl’s it isn’t about looks as much, which is why girls often find that it’s after they’ve been in a relationship for a while that sexual temptation really starts to set in. Because wanting to be with someone is the natural next step when you’ve gotten to know them and love them deeply–you’ll want to take that intimacy further.

So here’s what I want to tell girls who are currently in serious relationships or engaged:

It’s not wrong to be sexually attracted to your boyfriend.

Being curious about sex isn’t wrong. It isn’t sinful to wonder what an orgasm feels like if you’ve never had sex before, and it’s not wrong to wonder what sex will be like. Curiosity about sex is not the same thing as lust–same way curiosity about what it would be like to rob a bank is not the same thing as greed (maybe that’s a weird analogy, but I hope it gets the point across).

If you’re in a serious relationship with someone or engaged, it is perfectly natural to be sexually attracted to that person. And that’s not sinful–it’s how God made you. When you are in love with someone, you will naturally want to take it further. Now, God put his laws in place so that we don’t just listen to our own desires, but we decide a better way instead. The desires aren’t necessarily wrong (lust is wrong, attraction is not), but the actions they lead to if we blindly follow them can be damaging. Do you see the difference?

But I see a lot of women in relationships where they have almost no desire to have sex with the man they are about to marry. They think about cuddling and sleeping in the same bed and having devotionals at breakfast together, but sex? Not really. They accept it as a necessary part of marriage, sure, but they don’t really feel the need for it.

Now here’s my unpopular opinion: it’s unfair to both of you to marry someone you have no desire to have sex with.

It simply is. Marriage is important–and sex is a really important part of marriage. Sex and the marriage contract are really the only things that separate it from other relationships, if you really think about it.

This may sound harsh, but if you marry a man you desperately love but don’t have any desire to have sex with, that is simply not fair to him. Because it means you are cutting him off from one of God’s gifts for him–a great sex life. I know it’s weird to think of a great sex life as a gift from God, but that’s one of the amazing parts about how God made marriage!

Flip the tables for a second. Imagine if you were getting married to someone who didn’t want you sexually–that would be a huge rejection, and a huge betrayal, as well.

But it’s not just him who suffers in that marriage–you do, too. And that’s because God has something greater for you. If you’re not married yet and you seriously have no desire for sex, maybe God is calling you to singlehood, and to do something amazing for Him with that. Maybe you have become incredibly uncomfortable with the idea of sex because of lies you believe about God–if that’s the case, God wants you to live in truth. Maybe you don’t want to have sex with this guy because he’s not the guy you’re supposed to marry.

No matter what the situation, not being sexually attracted to someone you are considering marrying should be a huge red flag that means something needs to change. Because God wants more for you–whether that’s getting out of your relationship or working through some lies you’ve believed about your identity and about sex. 

This is a difficult topic, and a personal one. What are your opinions on this? Do you think it’s fair to marry someone you’re not sexually attracted to? Let me know in the comments below!

The Best 31 Days of Your Marriage!
Read a few pages. Do what it says. Have incredible fun!

Learn to talk more, flirt more, and even explore more! You'll work on how to connect emotionally, spiritually, AND physically. And the ebook version is only $4.99!

5 Things We Learn from the Shulamite Woman about Female Sexuality

Do you have a good, Biblical understanding of female sexuality?

Rebekah Hargraves from Hargraves Home and Hearth sent me an email recently where she said,

I got your book, “The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex” when I got engaged 5 years ago, and we actually took it on our honeymoon! You and your ministry have been a great blessing to us throughout the now 4 years of our marriage.

What if YOU’RE the Reason Your Sex Life Isn’t Great?

I spent a lot of time on this blog helping couples figure out how to better communicate about sex and how to make sex great!

But what if the issue isn’t actually a couple issue? What if there isn’t much the husband can do to improve your sex life?

I know that sounds like I’m blaming women, but let me tell a story first and then I have a reader question I’d like to answer. I think I’m going to spend this week talking a bit about libido, and I want to start with this.

Last month I spoke in Toronto about how some of the messages that the church gives about sex inadvertently can seriously mess up couples’ sex lives. I looked at how the “Every Man’s Battle” idea, combined with the purity culture, can make women ashamed of sex and give women no libidos. If you grow up feeling like all men are lusting after you, and then you get married and you’re told that if you don’t have sex often enough, your husband will watch porn or cheat on you, sex feels really degrading and disgusting. That’s not a great message to give to women if we want women to enjoy sex!

A man piped up and said, “We also need to teach husbands how to really woo their wives, in every way.” I love his heart. I really do. And I totally agree with him. EXCEPT—

Except. And there is an except. And here’s what I said to him:

Sometimes a guy can do absolutely everything right, and a wife still won’t respond, because the problem is that she has no libido and she simply doesn’t understand her own sexuality. And while he can be wonderful and try to bring that out in her, ultimately it’s a realization she has to make herself.

I know there are so many men who read this blog who are likely super frustrated, because they feel like they do woo their wives, and it makes absolutely no difference in the bedroom. And that’s what I want to deal with today. One man wrote in and asked me this question:

An area that my wife and struggle with is actually discussing intimacy. For fear of going down the too far down the rabbit hole, were married just shy of 25 years, we’ve been in relationship with Christ for ~17 years, I am the high drive spouse, but through resources like yours I’ve recalibrated my perspective on sex and intimacy and ours has become even more enriching (I call it a communion). Nonetheless, she refuses to talk about our intimate life…at all. Whenever I bring it up I’m immediate shut down with, “Why do you have to talk about it.” I’m curious if you’ve met other couples facing issues similar to this and have addressed it in your blog. If you can point me in the direction of applicable posts, I’d appreciate it.

Look, I know a lot of men who are very dismissive of their wives, and expect their wives to meet their sexual needs, without any attention to whether or not the wife feels good.

And so it’s no wonder that she has a low libido! It’s always important, then, to ask, “if my spouse doesn’t want sex, could I be partly the reason?” Let’s examine ourselves, absolutely.

But I also know a lot of men who are honestly trying to woo their wives, and their wives come up with every excuse in the book about why it isn’t enough.

One minute it may be because he’s not home enough and she’s lonely. Then he asks her to make love anyway, and she interprets this as reinforcing the idea that he only wants her for one thing.

In fact, pretty much everything he does she can read through this lens. He tries to kiss her and be more affectionate–it must be because he wants sex. See? That proves he’s an animal!

He tries to help around the house–same thing.

And so he’s stuck. No matter what he does, he’s berated for it.

I am not talking about everyday disagreements in marriage, so please don’t misunderstand me.

It’s just that I believe there are a large number of marriages where she truly doesn’t want sex, and she justifies it by coming up with new reasons to be upset at him.

She transfers the responsibility for her reluctance to be intimate onto HIM. 

I know if you’re reading this blog you likely do want to improve your sex life, and I’m glad you’re here. And so perhaps I’m preaching to the choir here. But I’d just like to ask women today: are you looking for excuses to not have sex? Are you trying to avoid sex, and the easiest way to do that is to come up with new reasons to be upset at your husband?

There are lots of reasons why a woman may want to avoid sex.

It may not feel very good, and she may wonder what all the fuss is about, and she may really feel weirded out by the whole thing. It’s distasteful, it’s awkward, and life would be better if it didn’t exist. If that’s you, please read The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex!

She may have sexual abuse in her past, and her ability to see sex as a good thing may be severely hampered. If that’s you, please read this on getting over sexual abuse.

She may be very reluctant to be out of control. People who aren’t able to be vulnerable, and who need to feel in control at all times, often run away from sex. If you’re a control freak, please read this on how control freaks and sex don’t go together.

She may be still recovering from negative messages from the purity culture that have made her ashamed of sex.

She may not understand how libido works in women, and not realize that you need to tell yourself positive messages about sex and you need to take control of your libido. If that’s you, please take a look at my Boost Your Libido course!

Of course, there may be other issues related to him, like porn use, selfishness, lack of affection–all of those things. But today I just want to ask all of us to be honest. Are you the reason that your sex life isn’t good? Is it really all his fault–or have you been pushing him away?

And if you’re the one pushing him away–is that really what you want?

Is that the kind of marriage you really want–where you feel always distant, when you’re always on edge because you have to make sure he never expects anything, when you have to maintain this distance so that he doesn’t put any demands on you? Do you want to live like that long term?

Here’s a more lighthearted version of that question that may be easier to hear:

Please don’t try this at home!

It’s so much better to confront your insecurities and boost your libido! And decide to live your marriage differently.

So let me know in the comments–have you seen this dynamic? Where he’s trying everything he can, but she keeps coming up with reasons why it’s not enough? What message would get through to a woman like this? Let’s talk, because I think there are a lot of us like this!

What One Man Learned By Quitting Masturbation for a Year

Can you quit masturbating?

That’s what one of my readers challenged himself to do. He knew it was hurting his marriage. He knew it was hurting his sex life. And he knew it had to stop.

I have some great men who read this blog, too, because they’re looking for help with healthy sexuality. And one of them sent me this story, which I’d like to post. He wants to remain anonymous, but I thought his story was so important it had to be shared!

I’ve written before about how masturbation in marriage can be so dangerous, but I love his points about what he learned after quitting masturbating–and how he managed to do it.

When I think of the word “masturbation,” the first image that comes to my mind is my shy, lonely and anxious pre-teen self, trying to fall asleep, thinking about all the times I felt embarrassed at school and at home earlier that day. The second image is my grown-up and married self, seemingly confident and well socialized, but actually remaining the same insecure pre-teen inside. So much is wrong with that second image.

First of all, it is a very bad strategy to carry one’s childhood insecurities into adulthood by exploiting a biological mechanism to get endorphin on demand and never truly grow up, never face and resolve them. Secondly, in that image there is often a screen with pornographic pictures on it. And there is also my wife that I’ve lied to for years, whose trust I’ve betrayed, who feels that there is something wrong, but doesn’t know what just yet.

Porn and masturbation habits typically go hand in hand, but for me masturbation was the older, stronger and more insidious addiction. I used to believe that masturbation is a natural need and cannot be quit, and that it does not affect sex in any way. I used to believe that women who expect their husbands not to masturbate do so simply because they are not familiar with male physiology. I used to believe that porn can be quit without quitting masturbation, and that that’s the right thing for me to do.

Today, almost 8 years since I quit masturbation, I know that none of that is true. Sex is a very powerful bonding agent, and getting sexual relief on the side strongly decreases its bonding power. Quitting porn without quitting masturbation typically just leads to replacing one type of stimulus with another, without any actual change happening. A woman whose husband masturbates feels that she is not enough for him, that he doesn’t feel a special connection to her, and that hurts a lot.

Here are some of the steps that I took that helped me quit: 

1. Realizing that quitting is actually possible was a very difficult first step

But then I remembered the different times in my life when for weeks I was too happy and busy to even think about masturbation. Helping at my grandfather’s farm, summer camps, holidays at the beach, etc. If during those times for weeks I would not even THINK about masturbation, then it cannot be a physiological need!

2. Those periods of not craving masturbation were characterized by four things:

Being happy, not being alone, a lot of physical activity, being very busy. The first two of those four cannot be guaranteed: we cannot avoid being alone and unhappy every now and again. But the third and the forth are things over which we do have control. So I started working out regularly, as well as taking more work to keep busy and challenged.

3. It is important to develop a strategy for the times when one is unhappy and lonely

I found a lot of good suggestions online: journaling, cold shower, ten push-ups, etc. I use a combination of physical exercise and journaling that works well for me.

4. The first month or two, some physiological adaptations occur, and that period is very difficult.

The prostate needs to adapt to the new frequency of release. The important thing to know about this period is that it is not that long and most of the discomforts are temporary. And that working out helps a lot.

5. Once I focused on quitting masturbation, that made quitting porn very easy for me.

When you are quitting masturbation, you are trying hard to avoid all stimuli, and to not even think about them. With time, I built a reflex to quickly push away inappropriate thoughts before they could affect me. This, in turn, makes quitting masturbation easier as well.

6. I read about “semen retention” and the successful sportsmen and musicians who practiced it.

It was undeniable that I could also feel many benefits: stronger immune system, more energy, more desire to work out, etc.

7. After some time of struggles, relapses and physiological adaptation, I was starting to think that quitting masturbation is not that impossible and that it might indeed be beneficial in many ways.

Then I decided to challenge myself for one year, and to see at the end of the year if the benefits were really there, and if it got easier with time. Committing to a limited duration is much easier than committing to quitting for good, even when the latter is the long-term goal.

8. It is common for men to think: I can quit masturbation by replacing it with more sex.

In practice, that’s not such a great idea. Sex should be about love and unity, and not about feeding an addiction and getting stress relief. My wife was absolutely not thrilled about the idea of serving as masturbation replacement: on the contrary, she was righteously not interested in intimacy with somebody impure who hurt her so much. It is very important to accept that rebuilding trust and intimacy will take a long time.

9. By the end of the one year challenge, I had gotten rid of many bad habits and had built some new good ones.

And I had one new tool: the powerful thought of “I could do this for 1 year, so why stop now!” Continuing after that point was much easier. For me personally it never became completely easy, and I had to learn to manage my expectations in that aspect: even now, after almost 8 years of sobriety, some days are difficult and require focus. But the big advantage is that even though that struggle remain difficult at times, it makes the struggle with porn and lust easy.

Have you or your spouse had to deal with quitting masturbation in your marriage? What are some things you found helpful? Let us know in the comments below and help some couples going through it now! 

How Do We Have Sex When Other People Live in Our House?

How do you have a great sex life if other people live in your house and can hear you?

I recently had a woman ask this question:

My husband and I are in youth ministries. Recently, we had an addition of an 18 year old male to our home. Here is our stumbling block… We have sex very enjoyably and, thus, pretty loudly. Our biological kids sleep deep…and if we cant wait til they’re asleep, our kids aren’t at the age where they understand what sex is so they don’t think anything of it anyways. But this kid knows what sex is and what the sounds of sex are and I just feel a bit uncomfortable with being our usual sexy selves with him in the house. Do we need to withhold forever (this kid will be living with us for a long while)? Or always just be silent and dull? Or should we talk to him about it and do our loud thing anyways? We want to be tactful, respectful of him, and uphold our godly reputation (it’d be very embarrassing if he heard us making love and he told others at church, since we are leaders in our church). Also note…he doesn’t have a license or car (being in foster care til now) and is usually always with us morning, noon, and night. Please help us with your wisdom! We NEED to have our exciting sex again! Thanks in advance for any and all tips or advice

On the Outback, Sheep, and the Middle of Nowhere

It’s autumn in Australia!

Which means that we’ve had to cuddle to stay warm in our campervan at night. But we’re having a lovely time in the middle of nowhere.

Keith and I are in the middle of our 23 day Australian tour. We’re speaking 4 times (Keith and I are doing all-day Saturday marriage conferences, and then I’m doing a few Girl Talks), and we’re driving about 5000 km in total.

We’re trying to keep costs down, so Keith rented a small campervan. It’s a budget one.

Working in the campervan–on one of the warmer days when we had wifi!

They gave us two sheets and the flimsiest towels and two rather disgusting summer sleeping bags. We shivered the first night and then the second day we went to a bedding shop and bought a foam mattress cover, a comforter, and a microfibre blanket. And now we’re making do! It’s warm at night–but cold in the morning.

Keith and I love seeing new places, but we don’t do the typical things. We don’t head to cities. We like heading out to the backwoods and hiking and birdwatching. And that’s what we’ve been doing!

On one of our first hikes near Canberra we were in a wildlife reserve, and Keith went off in the woods to chase a robin and I was on the path, talking on the phone to one of the young women who works for me. All of a sudden I noticed something odd on the path about 100 meters ahead of me. And I realized I was staring at a large kangaroo. Then I realized there were about 8 others around it.

I was all blown away and excited until a thought occurred to me. “Are kangaroos dangerous if you come upon them in the wild?” I have no idea. In Canada, when you’re in wildlife preserves, there will be signs like, “What to do if you encounter a bear” or “what to do if you see a mountain lion.” There were no signs about kangaroos. So did that mean kangaroos were safe?

But then I thought–Aussies really don’t mind danger in the same way that Canadians do. They don’t mind camping in the cold. They don’t mind having the world’s most dangerous animals (I keep telling Keith–stay on the path! If you get bitten by a snake, I can’t drag you, and I can’t drive our campervan! So you’ll be toast!). And we’ve been killing ourselves laughing at all the “Last Chance Bushfire Shelters” signs we see. They’re really blunt here.

So I thought–maybe kangaroos are dangerous? So my assistant Googled it for me while we were on the phone and we concluded they were relatively safe unless they looked menacing, and then you should back away. I proceeded up the path and they all hopped away, and Keith joined me (luckily without snake bites!).

The same day–here I am next to a wallaby this time!

We’ve been seeing some breathtaking scenery. We drove up the Gold Coast north of Sydney all the way to Brisbane for my event in Toowoomba, but our favourite part BY FAR has been driving in the outback interior from Toowoomba down to Adelaide, which is where we are now.

We found the ocean on the Gold Coast!

Miles upon miles of nothing but sheep and cotton farms. They’re harvesting the cotton right now (it’s autumn) and it’s amazing to see how large the cotton fields are. Bales upon bales of cotton dot the landscape.

We crossed into South Australia (one of their states) today, and they confiscated a bunch of our groceries (it was harder to get into South Australia then the customs at the airport! They really don’t want fruit flies in South Australia). And now we’re in wine country.

We found this place which was a winery and a wetland–wine tasting and bird watching. We were in heaven.

One of the birds we really wanted to see was an emu, but we drove for days to no avail. Then all of a sudden there they were! Keith went and got a photo of the first ones we saw, but over the next 100 km we counted about 200. So cool!

Keith taking a picture of our emus!

We’ll be back in civilization again tomorrow in Adelaide, and I’ll be sorry to see the desert go. But I’m looking forward to our marriage day on Saturday, and then my Girl Talk in Melbourne on Tuesday before we head home!

It will be nice to have my bed back again, and not to be shivering in the morning or having to take showers where there’s no central heating. But it’s a cheap way to travel, and so it made it possible for us to do this many events and stay this long. And we’ve seen a ton. I haven’t been able to sign on to wifi that much, so I haven’t been as active in the comments or on Facebook, but I’ll be back next week!

Oh, and one other cute thing–I’ve met a bunch of long-time readers and commenters at some of the events so far. One of them crocheted these awesome bookmarks for Keith and me, of birds of Australia. So cute. I don’t want to post the picture of her because I didn’t ask her permission, but it’s been great to meet people!

Something else we’ve noticed about Australia: People aren’t nearly as overweight as in North America. Not really sure why. It seems like all the same foods are available in the grocery stores, but we have seen fewer fast food places. Interesting, eh?

The Best 31 Days of Your Marriage!
Read a few pages. Do what it says. Have incredible fun!

Learn to talk more, flirt more, and even explore more! You'll work on how to connect emotionally, spiritually, AND physically. And the ebook version is only $4.99!

10 Ways Grandparents Can Connect with Their Grandkids

Connecting with your grandkids can be tough.

They’re always on their phones, there can be weird family dynamics, and although you love them to absolute pieces, it can be difficult to figure out where you all fit in each other’s lives.

It’s Rebecca on the blog today talking from the millennial’s perspective about how grandparents can connect with their grandchildren in real, meaningful ways. I’ve been lucky enough to have grandparents who took a real interest in me and really poured into my life. Plus, as a psychology student who loves family psychology research, I recognize the importance of intergenerational family connections! So I wanted to give you 10 things that grandparents can do to help them connect with their grandchildren, whether they are 5 or 25 years old.

Let’s go:

1. Take time individually with your grandkids

Grandparents and grandkids often get into a “Christmas and birthdays” routine where the only interaction they have is at big family gatherings. So break that cycle! Decide that every month, you want to take a different grandchild out for lunch, perhaps, or have a card game tournament with just the grandparents and grandkids.

Katie and our grandpa

2. Get involved in what your grandkids are already doing

My sister was obsessed with figure skating when she was a kid. We didn’t have a TV. So my grandma started having Katie and my cousin Jessica over to watch figure skating whenever it was on. They loved it, it was a great time for the three of them to bond, and it gave them something to talk about!

Look for hobbies, interests, or activities that your grandkids are involved in that you can find a common interest in. Then make it easy to spend time doing those things together.

3. Help your grandkids get involved in your hobbies and passions

My grandma and her friend gave me and my sister quilting lessons when we were kids, and my grandma and I still bond over that today! In fact, she sewed me a gorgeous quilt for my wedding present and it meant so much more because we had shared that for so many years. That same grandma also does baking days with my cousin Jessica to get ready for Christmas!

My nana taught me how to knit, and then when she got involved with teaching women in Africa how to knit, guess what we started doing? Sorting yarn with her to put together packages for the women she was going to see.

Give your grandkids an opportunity to get to know you. Let them get a taste of what your life is like, what you enjoy doing. They love you, so let them enjoy life with you!

4. Don’t be afraid to be yourself

There are a lot of grandparents who seem to think that their grandkids will only want to spend time with them if they’re cool and hip. Now, as someone who has very cool and hip grandparents (and is pretty sure they will be reading this), I can tell you that age is not a problem.

At Katie’s wedding, one of my grandparents’ friends named Marie (who has always been an honorary member of the Gregoire clan) was the life of the dance floor–she was in a group with about five 19 to 21-year-olds dancing her heart out! Our friends were still talking about how much fun she was the next day!

Grandma, Marie, Katie and me at a photo booth at my wedding

I see so many grandparents who are self-conscious about their age when it comes to their grandkids. But let me tell you: if you are able to simply be yourself with your grandkids, whether that means teaching them quilting or doing The Twist to a Spice Girls’ song, the age difference really does fade. We just want to get to know you!

5. Watch how you talk about their parents

One of the biggest pressure points between grandkids and their grandparents is when the grandparents aren’t able to speak appropriately about the parents.

Kids love their parents immensely. So if your daughter married a man you dislike and has three children with him, it is inappropriate to make snide comments about him in front of his kids. It just is. If you have personal issues with a kid’s parents, they are completely off the table. So focus on learning to love the people who are difficult to love, even if just for the sake of your grandkids. Besides, who knows–maybe by staying very involved with your grandkids, you’ll be the good influence in their life.

6. Have grace for generational differences

There are cultural expectations and traditions that are simply different between grandparents’ and their grandchildren’s generations. When grandkids act in a way that would be rude to your generation, ask yourself–“are they actually being unthoughtful or ungrateful, or is this a cultural difference? Is it worth dying on this hill, or can I address this calmly?”

For example, my generation doesn’t do thank you cards. So if your grandkid doesn’t send you a thank you card for the presents you sent at Christmas, getting mad and guilt-tripping them likely isn’t going to help the relationship. But if they don’t say thank you at all, a simple, “I would appreciate if you called to say thank you after I send you a gift. It helps me know that you received it, that you liked it, and it gives us a chance to connect” also gets the point across. Not sending a thank you card doesn’t mean they aren’t grateful. So have grace for generational differences.

7. Look for opportunities to help your grandkids with practical things

There’s a reason “#adulting” is such a big trend right now. A lot of young adults have no idea how to run a home, have no idea how to balance a budget, and have no idea how to effectively cook on a budget.

Our generation wasn’t trained in these things as well as previous generations have been. If your grandkids are constantly stressed out about small, everyday things, offer to help. Go to their apartment and cook with them for a few hours, creating a week’s worth of freezer meals. Give them some of your favourite, budget-friendly 20 minute recipes. Help them create a housecleaning schedule, and how to do it quickly and effectively. Teach your grandkids how to change a tire, check the oil in their car, and do general house repairs.

You’ve been on the earth a lot longer than your grandkids; give them some of your wisdom! They need it!

My nana, mom, dad, sister and I in the airport out first trip to Kenya together

8. Don’t be afraid to be the one who calls first

Many grandparents live miles away from their grandkids, and staying in touch can be hard. To add to that difficulty, there seems to be an expectation that the grandkids will do all of the reaching out. But if you want to connect with your grandkids, maybe it’s time that you take the first step. Pick up the phone and call! The reality is that most people my age aren’t in the habit of calling their family members–we FaceTime or we text. But that doesn’t mean we don’t want to connect! So call, ask, “Hey! Is this a good time to chat and catch up?” and take it from there!

9. As much as possible, be an easy person to visit

Now, I recognize that family relies on each other. No arguments there! But I also know of a lot of grandchildren who dread visiting grandparents because they spend their entire time fixing up their property, doing yard work, and helping with errands. As a result, they never actually get any good visiting time in with family. It’s all obligation, no relationship!

I’m not saying it’s wrong to expect family members to help out now and again. Not at all; when my nana was living at her old house my sister and I used to go over multiple times a year simply to pick up all the twigs from her pine trees that would fall down and get in the way of mowing the lawn. But that wasn’t our only interaction with her–in fact, I think that fewer than 10% of our interaction time is spent with chores and “helping out”! And because we have so much time to spend having fun together, when Nana asks me to help out, I’m actually quite happy to and love that there’s a way I can make her life better.

If you’re living a lifestyle that puts the burden of your property upkeep almost entirely on your family’s shoulders, visiting and spending time with family will become a more stressful and tense experience. Maybe it’s time to downsize so that your time can be spent together, not just doing chores!

10. Understand that you both need each other!

There is a special bond between grandparents and their grandkids. The specific dynamics are different in every family, but having someone who loves you so very much who is much older or much younger than you are gives you fresh perspective on life. For the grandkids, it’s so comforting to know “My grandpa has been through this before, and he came through a better man.” Recognize that you have such a special place in your grandkids’ lives, and by opening up your life stories and experience to them you will make their lives all the richer.

Do you have a hobby, habit, or tradition with a grandparent or grandchild that helps you connect with them? Share it in the comments below!