Sheila Wray Gregoire's Blog, page 101
August 24, 2018
Clutter Hurts Your Marriage. It Just Does.
Short answer: yes. But that doesn’t mean that we all need to have Pinterest-perfect homes that are expertly curated to our personal style. Kathi’s here today with some easy and practical tips for how to start the decluttering journey.
She’s got some great stuff to say. Here’s Kathi!
When I talk to women about what they want to improve in their lives, so many say something along these lines: “I want to focus on my husband this year. And I want to finally get organized. And lose weight!”
OK – so I may not be able to help you with the weight thing. But what if told you that you could improve both your marriage and your home at the same time?
It turns out that the state of our clutter and the state of our marriage could be more closely tied than we ever imagined.
In my book Clutter Free: Quick and Easy Steps to Simplifying Your Space I site a study from researchers at UCLA’s Center on Everyday Lives and Families (CELF) that looked at the relationship between thirty-two California families and the thousands of objects in their homes.
To the surprise of no woman reading this, clutter has a profound effect on our mood and self-esteem. CELF’s scientists found a link between high cortisol (stress hormone,) levels in female home owners and a high density of household objects. In other words: “The more stuff, the more stress. #clutterfree”
And we all know, if I’m not happy, that is going to have a profound affect on my marriage- and my husband.
There are some areas of your marriage where it takes two to pull off a big relationship boost – but when it comes to clutter, one person can make a huge difference.
If you are just starting this decluttering journey, let me tell you the two areas to concentrate on right now:
1. The space that you greets you when you come home.
My hope for every couple is that their home is a haven for your marriage. I want you and your man to walk into your house after a long day fighting the battles of the world, and land in a soft place – your home.
But that only works if you don’t have chaos and distraction greeting you as you hit the door.
Wherever your first glimpse of home is at the end of the day, make sure that is rises up to greet you. Remove the junk. Fluff the pillows. Have a diffuser on a timer that goes off ten minutes before you come home. Make home something you look forward to walking into.
2. Your bedroom.
If your home is your haven, I want your bedroom to be your nest. That place that blocks out everything from the world and is all about you and your man. That’s hard to do when you have to unbury your bed every time you want to cuddle up.
If you only have time to declutter a couple of areas, these are the two places you’ll want to concentrate on. (And if your “Mount Fold Me” is on his – our your – favorite chair, make that a priority as well.)
Make it your mission to create a home that is a haven for your marriage. What routines have you found help make your home a haven? Share them in the comments below!
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Kathi is a blogger, speaker, and author of 17 books. She inspires thousands of women each year to strip down their expectations and lives and live with real purpose. She and her husband Roger are the parents fo four young adults in San Jose, CA. When she's not dating her husband or hanging out with her puggle Jake, Kathi is speaking at retreats, conferences, and women's events across the US.
Find Kathi Here:Kathi's Website
Everything else Kathi has contributed to or written for To Love, Honor and Vacuum!
4 Ways to Win the Chore War with Your Husband
The Menopause Pep Talk You Actually Need
Top 10 Fun Ways to Surprise Your Husband!
Top 10 Truths About Clutter
Kathi has written several awesome books for women, including:Clutter Free
The Get Yourself Organized Project
Overwhelmed: How to Quiet the Chaos and Restore Your Sanity
August 23, 2018
How to End the Chore Wars with Your Kids
We’ve got a great post from Connected Families today about how to end the Chore Wars for good in your home. I just love their wisdom when it comes to this tricky subject–check it out!
You’ve tried every trick to get your kids to simply do some basic chores and you are met with resistance. You never would have dreamed of sassing back to your parents about chores the way you’ve gotten sass. What’s the deal???
Perhaps the “deal” is that your kids feel trapped and resentful. If they could articulate their underlying beliefs about it, they might say something like, “Mom/Dad, if I do the chore you’ve asked me to do – you win and I lose.”
This sounds kind of crazy to us as parents. You know that great teamwork as a family is a win for everyone. You know that kids who learn to work hard “win” because a strong work ethic is critical to overall success in life. But your kids likely don’t know what you know, or believe what you believe. It’s also quite possible that if your child struggles with irresponsibility and entitlement then their beliefs about chores probably include:
Work is hard and boring and worthless (no value)
I’m the kind of kid who loves fun and hates work (my identity)
I get intense attention when I refuse to do something (reward)
If I can get Mom or Dad to do my chores, it’s a win! (big reward)
If this sounds familiar it’s no wonder your family is struggling and stuck!
When this dynamic happens, parents often reach for those old standbys: chore charts and rewards. Google “chore charts for kids” and you get 30 million hits! Chore charts certainly have their place, but when parents find themselves needing systems and ever-larger rewards to motivate responsibility – those “dangling carrots” usually backfire because they communicate: “You’re right, work is awful. And you need me to manage your life.”
So, what can I do?
Let’s start by demoting chore charts to their real place – as a logistical aid, not a motivator. This will free you up to focus much more of your energy on mentoring wisdom and much less on managing behavior. Building helpful values and wisdom in your kids is not a quick, single conversation: Check. Done. Junior now loves to work hard and is outside weeding the garden without being asked.
How to help your kids see that chores aren't the end of the world--and even pitch in willingly!Click To Tweet
In reality, building values and wisdom takes time, intentionality and thoughtful awareness of the messages my child receives from me day in and day out about work and diligence.
Do I come home from my job complaining and crabby? Is there a hierarchy in our home where the most powerful people get out of the jobs they don’t like? Is it clear by my demeanor that I’d rather be doing anything else but mopping the floors?
Or – am I grateful for my job and model joy when I work hard? Do I talk about feeling good when I’ve accomplished something? Do I draw my kids into household tasks and make it fun?
Our family put a verse about work to a goofy simple tune, “Work hard and cheerfully, cheerfully, cheerfully. Work hard and cheerfully as though for the Lord. Colossians 3:23, Cha, cha, cha!” (with a little hip swing…) Because our kids had a good sense of humor they enjoyed this even in late elementary and middle school, but for most families that would be more helpful for younger kids.
Another family on our team combats the “work is drudgery to be avoided” belief by designating a reasonably short time slot a couple of times a week as “family clean-up time” after dinner – they put on loud fun music, go at it with gusto, and then finish up with dessert together. That’s a great time to affirm the hard work and celebrate how much nicer the house feels.
As you’re looking at the long-term (not quick fix) goal of mentoring wisdom, it really helps to look for opportunities to have some light-hearted, question-filled discussions. No lectures! 
August 22, 2018
MBTI and Marriage: Are You a Thinker or a Feeler?
This month, for Wifey Wednesdays, I’m having a ton of fun looking at personality differences, using the MBTI (Myers Briggs Type Indicator). The MBTI figures out people’s personalities based on four different scales. I explained how MBTI and marriage work in the big picture in our first post in the series, and then we looked at the introvert/extrovert distinction and the big picture/detail person distinction. Today we’re going to tackle the T/F scale–thinkers vs. feelers.
What is the T/F Scale in the MBTI?
Of the four MBTI scales, this is probably the one that is most easily understood. Are you a Spock or are you a Deanna Troy (for all of you Star Trek fans!) In Just Your Type, the book that we’ve been using to understand all the different personality types, the difference is described this way:
Both Thinking and Feeling are rational decision-making processes. It’s not that Thinkers have no feelings or that Feelers are incapable of being logical. But when faced with a decision, Thinkers tend to step back, look at the situation objectively, and decide based on impersonal analysis. In contrast, Feelers tend to step forward and decide based on their personal values, how they feel about the issue, and how others are likely to feel about them.
This dimension is usually thought of in terms of gender differences (it’s assumed that men are thinkers while women are feelers)–but it’s actually a personality difference. The authors explain:
Although the American population is about evenly divided between Thinkers and Feelers, it appears that about 65 percent of Thinkers are men and about 65 percent of Feelers are women, so natural differences between Thinkers and Feelers are exacerbated by the fact that they are often different genders.
MBTI Thinking/Feeling Types and Marriage: What Happens when a T marries an F, a T marries a T, or an F marries an F!Click To Tweet
Many gender differences books are written with men seen as Thinkers and Women are Feelers. If that’s your marriage, you likely love most of those books! But if it’s not, you may find those books don’t seem to apply to you, and wonder what’s wrong with you. The authors say, “Male Feelers and female Thinkers often feel that they are out of sync with the world — that they are somehow different from the way they should be.” It’s likely because it’s not a gender difference thing–it’s a personality thing.
As a woman who is a Thinker, I found this insight interesting:
But interestingly, Thinking women may receive an unintended benefit. Many Thinking girls grow up to have much more access to their Feeling sides, which means greater balance and greater competence.
On the other hand, Feeling men often feel like they really don’t fit, because they go against the stereotype. And if you’re a thinking woman married to a feeling man, you may start to see your husband as weak. Don’t. See him as someone who can more easily live out the love of Jesus and who cares about people’s hearts. That can be a great strength, especially in a man!
MBTI and Marriage: When Thinkers Marry Feelers
I think the T/F distinction can potentially be a minefield! I even find this with my relationship with Katie (who is totally an F). Thinkers, you see, tend to enjoy debates. Because we’re interested in finding the objective, logical, correct conclusion, we can discuss things that are highly emotional in a way that can sound rather hard-hearted. And we enjoy just tossing ideas around. A Feeler, on the other hand, might be aghast at some of the things that Thinkers say, because they sound so mean.
And when a Feeler is upset, they don’t want a debate. They want to be understood. If conflict is portrayed as one person having to win and one person having to lose, then Feelers will naturally shy away from conflict (which isn’t healthy for a relationship, either). Incidentally, this is why one of the “thoughts” in my book 9 Thoughts That Can Change a Marriage is all about how we need to get away from this Win/Lose mentality with conflict!
What is 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage About?
Sometimes the reason our marriages won’t grow is because we’re thinking about the marriage—and the problem—all wrong.That’s what happened early in my marriage.
And in 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage, I show you 9 thought patterns that can change everything. And it’s not always about becoming nicer. Often it’s just about recognizing what is GOOD.
That may mean learning to confront sin. It may mean learning to own our own issues. But it always means learning to grow together, not apart.
Check it out here!
Here’s where problems come in resolving conflict:
Because Feelers are so sensitive to others, they will often go out of their way to avoid hurting people’s feelings. This means they are usually very tactful and diplomatic, but it also means they can be less than 100 percent honest. They know what other people want to hear, so they may tell little white lies or be insincere in their compliments. Thinkers, however, place a high value on honesty and directness. As a result, they are more likely to offend someone unintentionally. What they see as being frank and forthright, others may perceive as being blunt and insensitive.
Can your personality differences be impacting how you resolve conflict? Here's what happens with thinking and feeling types in marriage: Click To Tweet
The main thing to remember about this difference is this:
When Feelers are confused or upset, they want their partners to listen supportively and compassionately. Thinkers tend to want constructive advice about how to fix the problem.
So in a conflict, step outside your comfort zone and give your spouse what they most need!
I just discovered that Keith is a Feeler!
Keith and I took the MBTI test in our premarital counseling, when Keith was in medical school. He came off as an ESTJ, with a slight thinking preference. I always assumed he was a thinker.
But earlier this month, at a big family function, Rebecca and I were talking to my niece and my sister-in-law about it, and were reading all the descriptions for the different types, and we both realized that ESFJ fits Keith to a T (pardon the pun). He scored as a T in med school because that’s how he was functioning at the time, but he really is an F.
And most of our arguments do revolve around Keith feeling as if I don’t care enough about him, and me feeling like he isn’t willing to take a stand when it’s necessary because it’s the right thing to do (I value being right; he values everyone getting along). It’s actually a big relief to know that this is one of our differences–and it also points to the fact that when we’re in false or strange environments (like med school) we can train ourselves to act in ways that are counter to our natural tendencies. So our test results can change over time!
I explained all of this in detail in my Friday newsletter a few weeks ago, and if you’re not signed up for my emails yet, you should be! You’ll get more behind the scenes info, and extra stuff that’s not on the blog.
When Two Thinkers Marry
Rebecca and Connor are both Thinking-types, so I’m letting her take this one. Rebecca says:
One of the things I didn’t understand about marrying a fellow Thinker is that even though we’re both Ts, we were horrible at resolving conflict. And that’s because even though we both like to approach conflict from a Thinking perspective, many times conflict isn’t actually about something logical. So our approach just doesn’t work.
Instead, when we fight, we’ve learned to acknowledge that it’s often an emotional need that has been missed or unmet. The conflict doesn’t always need a logical resolution; it sometimes needs comfort, reassurance, and a hug. The fight isn’t actually about him leaving a coffee cup beside the sink instead of in the dishwasher, so logical problem solving about how he can be more tidy isn’t going to help anything. We’re two Thinking-types that have had to learn how to approach conflicts like Feelers. And that was hard to learn.
Don’t be fooled into thinking that your’e “above” those emotional needs that are typically attributed to Feelers–we all have them, and often your logical approach to conflict with coworkers, friends, or family won’t work when it comes to conflict with your spouse because the nature of the relationship is so different.
When Two Feelers Marry
Because Feelers don’t like to upset others, they may be reticent to bring up problems in the marriage, not wanting to hurt anyone’s feelings. It’s important, then, that they learn that bringing up a problem does not mean that you are rejecting a person, but rather that you genuinely want to make the marriage better.
Also, two Feelers need to be very wary of their potential propensity to be taken advantage of by other family members. Setting firm boundaries for children, that you talk about and agree upon, will be key, since Feelers tend to find exceptions to every rule when a child is upset. Learning to navigate difficult in-law relationships is also a challenge when both are Feelers, and this may be when a small group or a close group of friends and mentors can prove especially helpful.
So now we’ve tackled the T/F scale. Next week we’ll turn to our last scale, P/J, which helps us understand how we approach daily life.
Where are YOU, my readers, on the Thinking/Feeling scale?
In my Friday newsletters, I asked all through the month of July questions about personality types. We found that 55% of marriages are thinkers married to feelers (I’m still surprised I’m in that camp!) Rebecca and Connor are among the 35% of you who are both thinkers, and there’s a final 9% who are both feelers.
You can receive my weekly newsletters (and my monthly round-ups, too!) by signing up right here. Subscribers get behind the scenes info, extra freebies and videos, chances to enter contests, and more!
Let me know in the comments: are you a thinker or a feeler? Do you match the usual gender roles, or not? How does that affect your marriage?
And if you want to learn more, check out Just Your Type!
Posts in the MBTI Marriage Series:
MBTI and Marriage: An Overview
MBTI and Marriage: The Extrovert/Introvert Scale
MBTI and Marriage: The Intuition/Sensing Scale
MBTI and Marriage: The Thinking/Feeling Scale (this one!)
MBTI and Marriage: The Judging/Perceiving Scale (coming soon)
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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 26 years and happily married for 21! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.Find Sheila Here:YouTube
Sheila's Favorite Posts on To Love, Honor and Vacuum:
10 ways to initiate sex
10 Effects of Porn on Your Brain, Marriage, & Sex Life
Why So Much Marriage Advice is So Trite
How can Sex be Hot and Holy at the Same Time?
Check out some of Sheila's Books:
The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex
31 Days to Great Sex
9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage
To Love, Honor, and Vacuum
Check out Sheila's Courses:
The Boost Your Libido Course
The Whole Story: Talking to Your Daughter about Sex, Puberty, and Growing Up
The FREE Emotional Intimacy E-Course
Are you ready to take your marriage to the next level?
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August 21, 2018
10 of the Hardest Adjustments to Make After Marriage
There’s a lot of great stuff that comes with being a newlywed–but it can also be a learning curve.
It’s Rebecca on the blog today, and since we just celebrated our 3 year anniversary last month I’ve been thinking about what some of the more difficult parts of our first year were like and how we got through them. Not everyone finds that first big of marriage a walk in the park–we didn’t! So here are 10 things that we found difficult to adjust to after we got married, even though we didn’t expect them to be a problem before! Joanna’s also put in some responses we got from readers to one of the polls we did on the newsletter a few months ago (if you want to sign up, head here!)
Let’s go:
1. The Lack of Personal Space
As soon as Connor and I got married we moved into a tiny one-bedroom apartment in a not-so-nice part of town (the reason we eventually moved out was because a guy got stabbed in the hallway outside our door). Our entire apartment fit in what is the living room in probably an average-sized house. Our bed filled the room with only 1.5 feet clearance on each side, our main area wasn’t much wider. It was the quintessential newlywed apartment.
As a result, we went from each living in larger houses with multiple roommates but with our own separate areas to having almost no personal space whatsoever. If I was in the kitchen, he was 8 feet away on the couch. If I was in the bedroom, I could hear him coughing just on the other side of the wall. On top of it all, we were in some of the same classes and we shared most of our friends so any time we were out of the house, we were likely together then, too.
Luckily we are both extroverted, so it wasn’t as difficult of a transition as it may have been for some. But it took some getting used to, and we got on each others’ nerves a lot until we learned that it’s OK to say, “If you want to go hang out with the guys that’s fine, but I’d prefer to stay home and have some time by myself this time.”
A TLHV reader with an introverted husband pointed out
The biggest adjustment for marriage for me was the process of understanding his “need” to have time to himself. He was also adjusting to this, realizing that “his time” was no longer “his time” because we were now living life together. It was definitely harder for him than me, but other than this fairly small molehill, we adjusted to marriage very well.
2. Keeping the Home Clean
Connor and I are both pretty messy people. But we’re messy in different ways, which leads to double the mess than what happened when we were living alone.
The biggest fights we had in those first few months of marriage were house-related. The tiny apartment didn’t exactly help, but I felt overwhelmed all the time with the housework. The biggest hurdle I had to get over was my idea that if it wasn’t done my way, it wasn’t good enough. Connor told me about two months into our marriage, “Rebecca, I want to help. But what I don’t want is to help and have you telling me each step along the way what I’m doing wrong. As long as the dishes are clean, you don’t need to tell me exactly how to do each step of it. OK?”
I realized he was right, started giving him a bit more grace, and three years later I think we’ve finally gotten housekeeping down.
Another reader talked about the adjustment of having a household to run for the first time in addition to a new marriage to adjust to
Hmm, the biggest adjustment in getting married, for me, was the responsibility that came with it. Going from living with my parents and helping out around the house to being soley responsible for every meal, the house cleaning, the laundry, and taking care of this new man was a bit much. And working full time. Phew!
3. Frequency of Sex
When you’re newly married, sex can be a huge area of self-consciousness. There’s a lot of pressure and expectation–and any time anything happens it’s easy to analyze it to say, “Is there something wrong with me? Is there something wrong with him?”
He wants sex more than you do–am I frigid? Am I not attracted to him like I thought I was? You want sex more than he does–am I broken sexually? Most women don’t want sex this much–maybe he has a porn addiction and doesn’t find me attractive?
Relax. Don’t over-analyze things, and throw the misguided assumptions you’ve been told about each gender out the window. If something really is a problem, you can deal with it then. But if your new husband doesn’t want sex one night, it might just be because he ate an entire pizza and not because of a bigger issue.
A reader highlighted how hard it can be to experience vaginismus as a newlywed:
Biggest adjustment to marriage… the terrible disappointment of vaginismus (we had waited until marriage, wasn’t sex supposed to be amazing and perfect?! Oh, wait, reality…)
4. Combining Your Finances
Just sorting out how to open a joint bank account can be a hassle! But figuring out a budget and sticking to it without that wiggle room you often have when it’s just you can be difficult. Luckily, we found it to be a fun challenge that made both of us more responsible. Plus we really liked watching our bank account get bigger every month as a reward for lean spending!
5. Not Falling into a Netflix Time-Suck
It’s easy to get married and then collapse after the craziness of planning a wedding and just start binge watching shows together. Although it’s great to cuddle up with some Netflix now and then, making that the center of your relationship leads to a lot of boredom and can leave you disillusioned with your marriage.
About a year into marriage I started getting really bored. So Connor and I decided to stop watching as much TV together and to start doing other things. But I’ll tell you–figuring out that balance is difficult at the beginning, especially if you’re balancing jobs that are draining or you’re students, like we were!
What I Wish I Knew as a Newlywed: 10 of the hardest adjustments to make after marriage:Click To Tweet
6. Sorting Out Cooking
I like to eat the same thing every day all week. When I was single, I’d have the same thing for breakfast 7 days in a row. I’d cook a giant crock pot of chili and have that for lunch every day, and then I’d make a huge casserole and have that as my dinners.
That doesn’t work so well now that I’m married. First off, Connor has a crazy high metabolism and eats a ton of food so I’d have to make about 6 times what I used to make. But also, he really doesn’t like eating the same thing every single day. So I need to cook every night or every other night at the most!
I had decided that I wanted to do all the cooking in our home (because I’m actually quite good at it and I can cook on a crazy budget), but we both needed to figure out what we should give on and what things were important to us. I didn’t want to spend all that extra time cooking, and Connor really didn’t want to just eat the same thing every day. So now there are usually a few different options in the freezer of past meals that I’ve made and then on days I don’t feel like cooking, I have leftovers and Connor pops something into the microwave that I cooked a few weeks ago. It works great!
7. Sleeping in the Same Bed
I know all you “cuddly” people out there won’t agree with me, but can I just say:
Sleeping in the same bed is not all that it’s cracked up to be.
We got married in the middle of July and moved into an apartment without air conditioning. I had to freeze washcloths and drape them over our necks as we slept because it was so hot. On top of that, I’ve always slept stretched out on my stomach across the entire bed. And now I had to share with my husband who was just producing even more body-heat in the already hot bedroom.
You get used to if eventually, and I do enjoy sharing a bed now. But it’s still a huge treat when I’m traveling on my own and get a whole bed to myself! (Love you, Connor.)
Congratulations to this newly married reader (and also: we get it):
I’ve been married for two weeks. So far the two biggest adjustments for me have been sharing the bed and getting used to sex. We have had some struggles but are determined to get through it!
8. Keeping Relationships with Your Single Friends
When I got married, my entire life changed. I didn’t want to do the same things I had before because I had a husband at home I wanted to spend time with. So weekends away, girls trips, and a ton of nights out until midnight just didn’t seem appealing. I wanted to be in bed by 10!
I had many single friends who embraced how my life changed. Instead of sleep-overs, we’d meet for coffee at interesting little shops neither of us had tried before. We would go to the gallery in our afternoons off instead of talking late into the night on the phone. Those friendships have stayed strong to this day.
But not all people are willing to change when your life changes. And while it was also on me to put effort into maintain the relationship, it often felt like my marriage wasn’t taken into consideration. My not being able to go away for a week without question meant that I wasn’t a good friend anymore. They didn’t want to do things that worked with my new lifestyle, and I couldn’t do what they wanted to do because I needed to prioritize time with my husband, especially in that first year. What I wish I had done in those first few months was set up new traditions and habits with those friends instead of just trying to make the old things keep working when it was just stressing me and Connor out.
A reader pointed out the importance of investing in relationships outside your marriage too, even as newlyweds
But now that we live in the same house day in and day out – while we love spending time together, doing our own things are important too, and having other friendships- him having other guys to talk with, and me having gal friends. We need fellowship with our church family, and I just can’t follow my husband around like a lost puppy. I need to reach out to others on my own, and not depend on my husband to do it for me.
10 of the hardest adjustments to make after marriage:Click To Tweet
9. Figuring out How to Fight Effectively
Although it may surprise people who know me personally, I’m actually a very passive person in my marriage. I don’t like to speak up when something is bothering me, I don’t like to bring up an issue unless it is absolutely vital to talk about right that moment.
What that led to a lot in the first few months was a raging bitterness that was bubbling just under the surface that I just kept pushing down until I exploded.
Connor and I have had to learn how to fight in a way that talks more about our emotional needs than the actual issue at hand. The issue was rarely actually what caused the fight–it was an underlying need that wasn’t being met. Once we figured that out, things went much more smoothly.
One reader went straight for Ephesians 4:26 (aka “the jugular”) when she wrote
Communication was a big thing from the time we began dating, and my husband never lets me go to bed if we’ve had a disagreement (I would be the one to avoid talking about things). This has been a big part of our marriage and has allowed us to never start a new day with unmentioned baggage from [yesterday]
10. Learning How to Make My Husband’s Needs Also My Needs
I never liked the idea of thinking of your husband “first,” because I don’t really want him to think of me “first”–I want him to think of me and himself simultaneously. Learning how to not be selfish and only focus on getting your own needs met but also not putting his needs above your own so that yours don’t get met can be difficult. The joy of marriage is that you become one–so I need Connor to feel loved, cherished and accepted as much as I need to feel loved, cherished and accepted myself. If he’s not feeling loved, that needs to be my problem as well as his and vice versa.
Learning how to consider someone else with everything you do is a difficult task–but it’s so worth it, and it’s been one of the most life-changing parts of our marriage.
What were some of the hardest adjustments you faced going into marriage? How did you get through them? Let’s chat about it in the comments below!
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Rebecca Gregoire Lindenbach is a 23-year-old Canadian blogger/author and the daughter of Sheila Wray Gregoire. Married since 2015, she is passionate about helping others challenge the status quo and live for more, whether in their relationships, their educational or occupational goals, or their walks with God. And yes, like her mother, she also knits.Find Rebecca Here:Rebecca's Website
Other posts by Rebecca on To Love, Honor and Vacuum:
Retraining Your Brain to Fantasize about HIM--And No One Else!
Should it be a Struggle to Not Have Sex Before You’re Married?
10 of the Best Decisions You Can Make in Your First Year of Marriage
How To Not Be a Legalistic Parent
Why I Didn't Rebel (my most viral post ever)
Read the rest of Rebecca's posts on TLHV here!
Check out Rebecca's book and course:Why I Didn't Rebel. Ever wondered why some kids rebel and some don't? Or do you believe rebellion is inevitable? Rebecca interviewed 25 young adults and dove into psychology research to find out: what makes some kids rebel, and some stay on the straight-and-narrow?
The Whole Story: Not-So-Scary Talks about Sex, Puberty, and Growing Up. Scared to talk to your daughter about puberty? Rebecca and her sister Katie want to do the hard part for you. This course is designed to start conversations to bring you closer together and strengthen your mother-daughter bond while giving your daughter all the information she needs as she becomes a woman.
Teenage rebellion doesn't need to be a part of your family's story. You can help your kids live for more! Get the first chapter of Why I Didn't Rebel for free here!
August 17, 2018
Sometimes It’s Not that People Need Help. It’s that You Need to Help
I read your comments and emails about marriages that sound so difficult, largely because of extreme selfishness on one person’s part, manifesting itself in porn use, laziness, adultery, or avoiding intimacy. And I read these stories and I think, “why don’t people just choose love? Why don’t they try for something better?”
Or else I’m overcome by the evil that too often pops up on this blog, on the internet, in the world. Last weekend some of you may have read my epic tweet thread about the misogynistic attacks my daughter Katie has been facing (with comments calling her a sl@t and wh@re) all because she spoke out against the “debt-free virgins without tattoos” article. How DARE middle aged, supposedly Christian men, talk to a young woman and her followers like that. (just click on the little blue bird to see everything!)
Thread:
A 21-year-old woman made an awesome video combatting legalism & telling girls that God values them.
In response, an army of middle aged men attacked her, calling her a sl@t, wh@re, & Jezebel all in the name of Jesus, often quoting Bible verses. This is that story.
— SheilaGregoire (@sheilagregoire) August 10, 2018
Anyway, suffice it to say that my mental health sometimes just needs a break. I’m surrounded by a lot of ugliness, and while I know that most of you do not have ugly marriages, I seem to hear mostly about the minority who do. And it can seriously burden me.
We’ve been talking about personalities this month, using the MBTI and how it relates to marriage, and my personality type is the kind that wants to change the world, and I’ll charge ahead and do that. It’s why I’m able to do what I do. But it can also be exhausting.
And I can get so focused on what needs changing that I forget how to just live in the moment.
Okay, all of that was just a preamble for what I really want to tell you about today.
Tomorrow, my husband, my mother, my oldest daughter Rebecca and her husband Connor, and 15 others will get on a plane and head to Nairobi, Kenya.
We’ll be traveling to the Mully Children’s Family, a home for orphaned and abandoned children. We’ll be working there for two weeks. Half of the team is doing medical work (my husband is heading up that part of it) and half of us will be doing humanitarian work (my mom is heading up that part!).
This will be our family’s fourth trip, and my mother’s ninth. The medical clinic will be serving the rural community around the home, while the humanitarian side will be focused on the beneficiaries.
We’ll be at two of MCF’s main campuses. One of them–Ndalani, where we’ll be staying–is where the children who have been adopted by the home live and go to school. A little ways away is Yatta, where teenage girls have been rescued, primarily from the sex trade, along with their babies, and given a 2-3 year vocational training so that they can earn a living.
One of the areas of training is in knitting. My mother and I actually started that arm of training about 10 years ago. Even though we think of Africa as hot, it can actually get quite cool (the average high while we’re there is likely to be about 22 degrees Celsius, infinitely cooler than we’ve been facing in southern Ontario this summer!). We bring over yarn, and the girls learn to knit by hand but also on the knitting machines, and then are able to get employed later on. (They’re also taught hairdressing and esthetics, sewing, entrepreneurialism, and more).
We’ve taken over so much yarn over the years, and the vast majority of it has gone to the vocational training side.
Twice, though, we did host a little knitting club with the younger children, teaching them how to make a basic garter stitch bag. They just loved knitting!
But there wasn’t enough yarn or needles to leave with them.
On my mother’s last trip, she got out of chapel one Sunday and was talking to some girls, around 12 years old, when she noticed what they were doing with their hands. They had taken the inside of ball point pens out, and some string, and they were using the pens as “knitting needles”. They were knitting a few short rows with whatever string they had found, and then they would unravel it and start again.
They had loved knitting, but they had no yarn.
And so this trip, one of my goals is to bring yarn not just to the vocational training side of MCF, but also to the elementary schools. I’ve made up 6 basic patterns, starting from easiest to hardest, with a poncho, a garter stitch sweater, a garter stitch cardigan, a simple stocking stitch pullover, a fitted stocking stitch pullover, and a fitted cardigan. Here are a few of the sweaters I’ve created in the last week and a half to use as prototypes!
A basic sweater with no shaping except increasing for the sleeves and a slight crewneckline.
A more advanced sweater with shaped shoulders and armholes.
Same sweater as the red one, just made into a cardigan
And we’re bringing over a ton of yarn (or at least several hundred pounds) so that we can set up a knitting centre in the library where they can take out the yarn for a project and knit themselves a sweater (or one for a younger child).
Hobbies meant so much to me when I was a girl. I just feel like these children should have the chance to have hobbies, too. And if they could knit things that would actually be useful as well? So much the better.
We’ll also be teaching the soon-to-be-graduates about Diva cups (menstrual cups) which can save so much money; we’ll be teaching those in the vocational training arm to make cloth menstrual pads and sell them in really pretty kits; Rebecca and I will be doing some talks with the younger girls about puberty and about sex, and so much more. I may even get a chance to give some marriage enrichment classes to some of the staff at the home, but that’s still being worked out.
But I always come back from these trips full of hope for the world. I see love up close. I see joy. And it’s wonderful to be in a place where simple things–like even just knitting a small sweater–can put a smile on a child’s face.
I do have posts scheduled for the next two weeks, so the blog will be hopping along as usual–just without me in the comments! (And I’m sorry for being absent so much this week; just a lot of preparation to do). Joanna, who helps with my newsletters, and Tammy, who answers all my emails, will be moderating comments and chiming in as well.
But I’m looking forward to telling you all about it! And do check Instagram–both me and Rebecca. We’ll try to post periodically when we have wifi!
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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 26 years and happily married for 21! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.Find Sheila Here:YouTube
Sheila's Favorite Posts on To Love, Honor and Vacuum:
10 ways to initiate sex
10 Effects of Porn on Your Brain, Marriage, & Sex Life
Why So Much Marriage Advice is So Trite
How can Sex be Hot and Holy at the Same Time?
Check out some of Sheila's Books:
The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex
31 Days to Great Sex
9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage
To Love, Honor, and Vacuum
Check out Sheila's Courses:
The Boost Your Libido Course
The Whole Story: Talking to Your Daughter about Sex, Puberty, and Growing Up
The FREE Emotional Intimacy E-Course
Are you ready to take your marriage to the next level?
Sign up for our emails and get access to the TLHV free marriage and parenting resource library. We have over 25 downloads and are constantly adding more. Sign up here!
August 16, 2018
Aiming Lower: Is Honest Hard Work So Bad?
As we’re getting ready to head off for our missions trip to Kenya next week, I’ve been looking over some older articles to rerun that I think are worth talking about again.
Here’s a column I wrote about 6 years ago about the value of hard work–and how we’re often telling our kids to aim for the wrong professions. As the school year begins again, maybe this is worth revisiting!
Lately our family’s soundtrack has been country music. Perhaps it’s because there’s a group of teenage boys that my daughters hang out with who listen to country, but for whatever reason my girls have started downloading country songs off of iTunes. And one of the ones they love is Montgomery Gentry’s “That’s Something to Be Proud of.”
It bears no resemblance to anything Taylor Swift would sing, so it seems like a surprising choice. It’s a song for guys, and the first verse, about losing your brother in the war, always makes me tear up. But it’s the second verse that seems to be the reason for the download. It says:
“You don’t need to make a million, Just be thankful to be workin’. If you’re doing what you’re able, and putting food there on the table, and providing for the family that you love, that’s something to be proud of.”
I think it resonates because our culture no longer takes pride in living an ordinary life.
My girls and their friends are obsessing over their futures: What should I take in school? What business can I start? What do I want to do with the rest of my life? And the message they get, over and over, is aim for success!
What if that’s the wrong message? Too many people are aiming for the virtually impossible. They want to have a high paying job where they love their work but have short hours. They want to be famous. They want things easy.
Life, however, rarely works like that. Most who do eventually earn great success do so only after putting in their time in the trenches. But let’s not forget that the time in the trenches is not just a means to an end; like Montgomery Gentry sings, it’s something to be proud of, even if you never rise that far above it.
What’s wrong with earning an honest living?
What’s wrong with working hard, putting in an effort, and slowly but surely building up a small nest egg? You may not take a cruise every year, or have a collection of shoes, or buy each new iPhone that comes out, but it can still be a very rewarding life. Everything you have you worked for. Maybe, instead of telling kids to aim for a life of massive success and leisure, we should be espousing the virtues of aiming lower.
Maybe, instead of telling kids to aim for a life of massive success and leisure, we should be espousing the virtues of aiming lower.Click To Tweet
We talk down honest work too much. We tell girls who want to be nurses’ aides to be doctors instead. We tell boys who just want to work with their hands that they need a university degree. We tell kids that they should aim for a life where they’ll be rich and don’t have to get dirty. No wonder so many people think simple work is beneath them!
The Brookings Institute recently found three things that virtually guaranteed you would never be poor: graduate from high school; don’t get married until you’re 21, and only have children after you’re married; and take a full-time job—any full-time job. Do those three things and you have a 2% chance of being poor and a 74% chance of being in the middle class.
You may begin at minimum wage, but work hard and you’ll work your way up.
You’ll be able to save for a small house, put food on the table, and buy a few luxuries. Aiming lower may not be glamorous, but it’s still something to be proud of.
Do we teach our kids that honest, hard work is something good? Or are we trying to get them to aim to be rich?Click To Tweet
What do you think? Do we denigrate hard work too much? Let’s talk in the comments!
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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 26 years and happily married for 21! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.Find Sheila Here:YouTube
Sheila's Favorite Posts on To Love, Honor and Vacuum:
10 ways to initiate sex
10 Effects of Porn on Your Brain, Marriage, & Sex Life
Why So Much Marriage Advice is So Trite
How can Sex be Hot and Holy at the Same Time?
Check out some of Sheila's Books:
The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex
31 Days to Great Sex
9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage
To Love, Honor, and Vacuum
Check out Sheila's Courses:
The Boost Your Libido Course
The Whole Story: Talking to Your Daughter about Sex, Puberty, and Growing Up
The FREE Emotional Intimacy E-Course
Are you ready to take your marriage to the next level?
Sign up for our emails and get access to the TLHV free marriage and parenting resource library. We have over 25 downloads and are constantly adding more. Sign up here!
August 15, 2018
MBTI and Marriage: Do You See the Forest or the Trees?
This month, for Wifey Wednesdays, we’re looking at personality differences, using the MBTI (Myers Briggs Type Indicator). The MBTI figures out people’s personalities based on four different scales. I explained how MBTI and marriage work in the big picture in our first post in the series, and then last week we looked at the introversion/extroversion scale. Today we’re going to look at the S/N scale–sensing vs. intuition.
As a major, major N (I don’t even register on the S side of the scale!) I love this difference the most. So let me explain a bit what it is, and then we’ll move to how it affects marriage.
What is the S/N Scale in the MBTI?
Here’s how the book Just Your Type, which details all about the 16 different personality types and how they act in marriage, explains it:
Sensors take in information through their five senses, paying close attention to what something looks, sounds, feels, tastes, or smells like. That’s why they’re usually such realistic and practical people. In contrast, Intuitives look at the world quite differently. Rather than focus on what is, they see what could be, questioning the reasons why it is as it is and how it’s related to other things. Rather than trust and rely on their five senses, it’s as if they use their sixth sense to understand and make sense of things.
So sensors will focus on details and will tend to remember things; intuitives will often ignore details but see, and get excited by, the possibilities.
Intuitives often love theories and ideas, even if they have no practical application. Sensor types have little use for things which aren’t practical. Sensors tend to like to find a hobby or a skill and master it; intuitives may like new hobbies as well, but will often have just as much fun finding their own way of learning it than of mastering it. Once they have mastered it, they immediately will want to find a new way of doing it, or else they’ll grow bored and move on.
MBTI and Marriage: When Sensors Marry Intuitives
Sensors like to deal with the here and now. Intuitives like to see the possibilities. Sensors are highly practical. Intuitives are highly creative. Can you see the potential for problems? A sensor may want to do all the finances on Quicken and have a 10 year plan. An intuitive may always be dreaming up the next entrpeneurial idea!
Intuitives are often attracted to sensors because they ground them. To sensors, an intuitive seems exciting! But as you try to live out life, this can grate on people.
As I told you in our first post, THIS is the one of the big differences that Keith and I have. He’s very much a sensor type. He learned Swahili by picking up a book and studying it systematically. When he started bird-watching, he learned all the birds down to the exact detail, including its calls. I got bored of that pretty quickly (though I do love going for birdwatching hikes!).
When we’re traveling in our RV, Keith likes to have the trip planned out, with reservations for each night. I like to just drive and stay wherever we find ourselves. I’m far more comfortable with ambiguity; he wants things figured out.
But our biggest difference? Whenever I find someone is doing something inefficiently, I will find a better way of doing it. Just because something “has always been done that way” means absolutely nothing to me. I have to shake things up. Keith, though, loves systems. I’m always trying to change things; Keith says, “if it’s working, why break it?” That may make me seem irresponsible and him seem boring (if you’re taking it to an extreme).
What we’ve found that works is just talking it out, and making lists about what are our values and where we want to move towards. That helps clarify things. And if I want to go off on a tangent, that’s fine–as long as I don’t expect him to come with me! If I want to cause a battle over something in church, for instance, I can’t expect him to charge in with me.
When Two Sensors Marry
Sensors love systems and details and process. So sensors will thrive on adopting systems–and then they will keep at it. So the challenge that two sensors will face is that they may not re-evaluate often enough to see if something isn’t working. They’re more likely to get stuck in a rut, whether it’s not evaluating a new way of dividing up housework when additional kids come along, or new ways of doing their budget, or even when it’s time to find a new church.
Sensors tend to be loyal to the systems that are in place, and may avoid trying new things. They may find that marriage suddenly doesn’t seem exciting, but they may not be able to put their finger on exactly why. Sensors would benefit from actually scheduling (and sensors like scheduling!) some special “sexy” nights when you can be more adventurous in bed, or in deciding to try a new couple’s hobby once a year.
When Two Intuitives Marry
Two intuitives may love making big picture plans and coming up with big picture goals. What they have a much harder time doing is figuring out if any of those goals are actually attainable, or breaking them down into practical steps that they can be taking now.
They may love setting savings goals, for example, but may have difficulty sticking to a budget–or even making a detailed budget.
They also will tend to get distracted and bored with things very quickly. A typical house owned by two Intuitives is filled with unfinished projects. One weekend the couple may tackle something big that excites them, but the next weekend they’re bored, and decide to tackle something else.
My daughter Rebecca and her husband Connor are both Ns: he’s an ENTP and she’s an ENTJ. Here’s Rebecca on how this works:
“What we’ve found is that we’ve had to learn how to be a bit of a tether for the other, since I’m always wanting to reorganize the entire house because I’ve thought of a better way to make the kitchen “flow”, and Connor’s always getting pulled to the next project, game, or activity he wants to try. We’re quite happy to live in their heads, trying new things and re-arranging their lives again and again and again until there’s no structure and neither of us knows where anything is! So when Connor sees me re-arranging the house, he asks, “Is this actually necessary?” And when Connor wants to buy a new game, I ask, “Didn’t you just buy that other one last week? Are you done it already?”
But, Connor still has hundreds of games on his Steam account and I’ve just rearranged the linen closet yesterday so I’m not sure how good we actually are at reigning each other in.”
So now we’ve tackled the S/N scale. Next week we’ll turn to Thinking/Feeling, and talk about how we make decisions.
Where are YOU, my readers, on the Intuiting/Sensing scale?
In my Friday newsletters, I asked all through the month of July questions about personality types. We found that, most of the time, anyway, opposites really do attract: almost 70% of the people responded were married to a person with the opposite preference for intuiting/sensing. About 20% both prefer sensing and almost 10% both prefer intuiting. Apparently Becca and Connor are the minority!
And it looks like we’ve got about 55% of people saying that they’re S and 45% saying that they’re N. Most MBTI materials, I think, put S’s nearer to 70%, so it could be that people THINK they’re different, when it’s just that one is more of an S than the other!
You can receive my weekly newsletters (and my monthly round-ups, too!) by signing up right here. Subscribers get behind the scenes info, extra freebies and videos, chances to enter contests, and more!
Let me know in the comments: are you big picture person or a detail person? How does that affect your marriage?
And if you want to learn more, check out Just Your Type!
Posts in the MBTI Marriage Series:
MBTI and Marriage: An Overview
MBTI and Marriage: The Extrovert/Introvert Scale
MBTI and Marriage: The Intuition/Sensing Scale (this one!)
MBTI and Marriage: The Thinking/Feeling Scale (coming soon)
MBTI and Marriage: The Judging/Perceiving Scale (coming soon)
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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 26 years and happily married for 21! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.Find Sheila Here:YouTube
Sheila's Favorite Posts on To Love, Honor and Vacuum:
10 ways to initiate sex
10 Effects of Porn on Your Brain, Marriage, & Sex Life
Why So Much Marriage Advice is So Trite
How can Sex be Hot and Holy at the Same Time?
Check out some of Sheila's Books:
The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex
31 Days to Great Sex
9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage
To Love, Honor, and Vacuum
Check out Sheila's Courses:
The Boost Your Libido Course
The Whole Story: Talking to Your Daughter about Sex, Puberty, and Growing Up
The FREE Emotional Intimacy E-Course
Are you ready to take your marriage to the next level?
Sign up for our emails and get access to the TLHV free marriage and parenting resource library. We have over 25 downloads and are constantly adding more. Sign up here!
August 14, 2018
10 Love Stories You Shouldn’t Copy
I asked on my Facebook Page recently: what elements of your love story shouldn’t have worked but did? And I got some great stories! (Seriously, I’ve been asking a lot of questions on Facebook lately for posts I want to write, and getting the best stuff. If you haven’t liked that Page yet, you should!).
Does your love story have any parts that shouldn't have worked, but did? For instance, in today's post one person…
Posted by To Love, Honor and Vacuum on Monday, July 16, 2018
What I love is that God works differently in all of our lives, and very individually, too. And sometimes things work that really shouldn’t have worked, largely through grace, or a bigger plan. I picked ten of those stories to feature today, but you can read the rest here. And then I want us to look more closely at some of these love stories:
1. When you don’t have your family’s blessing
1. Our families were involved what could be called a two-generation feud. We found out about it while dating, but didn’t realise the extent of the bitterness or hurt. Our marriage is actually the tool God used to heal that wound and allow older generations to “bury the hatchet.”
2. Kept apart by my family and given an ultimatum about staying together. 
August 13, 2018
Just a Very Quick Thought for You…
It’s a half medical/half humanitarian mission. My mother and Keith are the leaders; Rebecca and Connor are coming along, as are about 20 other people. Mom and Rebecca and I will be focused on the jobs training program at one of the campuses, where they work with young women who have been rescued from human trafficking (along with their babies).
It’s our fourth time going as a family (and my mother’s ninth). I’ll still be updating the blog when I’m gone, because we’ve planned a lot of posts.
But I’m super busy right now getting some last things organized (we’re taking 35 hockey bags of donations that we’ve been organizing and weighing to make sure they’re all exactly 49.5 pounds).
Anyway, I got into a Twitter discussion last week that prompted me to write something on Facebook, which went rather viral. I was reacting to a post that told men that they set the spiritual climate of their homes, and so they had better step up to the plate.
I appreciate the sentiment, but I also see the other side. When we are told, over and over, that men must be the spiritual leaders, what happens when they’re not?
So I wrote this:
A sad trend I’ve noticed: There is a belief in many Christian circles that a husband must be the spiritual leader in the family, and then, if he isn’t leading, she feels like her marriage is substandard. What might be an otherwise good marriage is cast as something which is severely lacking, causing her to feel angry at her husband and generating distance. Scripture is filled with examples of women setting the spiritual climate of their homes (Lydia or Lois & Eunice come to mind). What’s important is that all of us, whoever we are, pursue God wholeheartedly. If your husband is not, that doesn’t mean you should slow down so that he can overtake you, or that your family isn’t blessed of God. That’s why God made you a helper–so you can stand in the gap and do something! But don’t let your expectations cause you to get angry at your husband and spiral a marriage downward. Love your husband; pursue God; teach your kids about Him.
A number of women told me that they needed to hear that message, so I thought that I would run it today!
And here are a few other posts that may help you:
When Your Husband Walks Away from the Faith (this one pretty much sums up everything!)
When You’re in an Unequally Yoked Marriage
When Your Husband isn’t a Spiritual Leader
Let’s not let our expectations of what our marriage “should” look like wreck an otherwise good marriage, okay? I’ve seen women justify divorcing their husbands because their husbands weren’t “godly”. Just love the man you’re with! It’s okay if you know the Scriptures better, pray more, and talk about God more to your kids. Pursue God, rather than expectations, and life will be much better!
Anyone have experience with this? I’d love to talk about it in the comments! (and I’ll try to chime in more today! Sorry I’ve been so absent the last few days. Lots of packing to do!)
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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 26 years and happily married for 21! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.Find Sheila Here:YouTube
Sheila's Favorite Posts on To Love, Honor and Vacuum:
10 ways to initiate sex
10 Effects of Porn on Your Brain, Marriage, & Sex Life
Why So Much Marriage Advice is So Trite
How can Sex be Hot and Holy at the Same Time?
Check out some of Sheila's Books:
The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex
31 Days to Great Sex
9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage
To Love, Honor, and Vacuum
Check out Sheila's Courses:
The Boost Your Libido Course
The Whole Story: Talking to Your Daughter about Sex, Puberty, and Growing Up
The FREE Emotional Intimacy E-Course
Are you ready to take your marriage to the next level?
Sign up for our emails and get access to the TLHV free marriage and parenting resource library. We have over 25 downloads and are constantly adding more. Sign up here!
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August 10, 2018
Does Everything Really Come Down to Sex?
We talk about sex a lot on this blog, and without fail we will get at least one comment that says:
I just don’t understand the hype around sex! Why is it such a huge deal to guys?
And it occurs to me that I haven’t written any posts lately talking about how wonderful sex is and how we should be emphasizing it more! So I came across something I wrote a few years ago that I want to reiterate today.
But first, let me tell you about a funny conversation that I had the other day with a (relative) newlywed. She said that she was talking to a bunch of other newlyweds about what was so great about being married. And they all said things like, “It’s so fun to not have to say good night and then have them leave”, or “it’s so nice just to be able to do life together”, or “it’s so nice just to be able to cuddle whenever we want.”
And the newlywed said to me, I wanted to say, “are you kidding? You know what’s so great? You can finally HAVE SEX!” But no one else seemed to be jumping on that bandwagon.
Why is that?
Partly, of course, it’s that sex takes a while to get to work like clockwork. But I think it’s also because too often we women don’t necessarily value and appreciate sex the way that we could (which is also often why sex doesn’t feel great right off the bat). And when we don’t realize how great sex can be for us, we can unintentionally make our relationship more distant.
For instance, here’s the basic summary of an email I recently got from a guy who reads this blog:
I really am quite simple: when my wife has regular sex with me, I feel like I can take on the world. I’m happy. I love being with her. I love being with the kids. But when she doesn’t, everything feels like a chore. It’s not that I don’t love her; it’s just that it’s much harder. I don’t find that you talk about that on your blog anymore. You give all these excuses for women not to have sex, but honestly, I wish women understood that for men, it really is that simple. Make love, and we’re putty in your hands.
I agree with him. In fact, that certainly is the focus of The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex and 31 Days to Great Sex (although I include other challenges couples have as well).
But here’s what started to happen: I wrote many posts on what to do when your husband doesn’t want to make love, (or what to do if you’re the higher drive wife!), and these have become some of the most popular posts on this site. Many, many women who come here would LOVE to have husbands who want to make love, but they don’t. Their husbands have rejected them. Or perhaps their husbands watch porn so much that they can’t have a real relationship.
And so many of my posts have been slanting in that direction and trying to minister to these women.
But I have to admit: on the whole, that commenter is right.
For most men, far more than for most women, sex is a huge felt need.
The fact that so many men reject sex in marriage is just a sign that our world is getting more and more messed up. And if you’re in that camp, then please head on over to my week for higher libido wives post and find some answers that will work in your situation.
Today, though, I do want to talk to the rest of the women: the ones married to men who do want sex. And what I want to say to you today is, yes, it really is that simple.
But if he wants sex all the time, that means he’s really shallow! I can feel so many of you thinking that right now.
Is sex really that big a deal? YES! Here's what happens when sex goes missing in marriage:Click To Tweet
You see, when we women think about whether or not a relationship is good, we ask whether we’re talking enough. We wonder if we’re affectionate. Have we done anything together lately? Do I feel as if I can share my heart? Do I know what’s going on in his heart? Has he reached out to me lately? Has he asked me for help with something? Has he talked through a problem? Has he helped me around the house or with the kids? Has he shown me love?
We have all these data points that tell us whether or not we’re connecting.
For him, those data points tend to be combined into one simple thing: sex.
That doesn’t mean he’s pathetic, or that we’re somehow more sophisticated than he is. It simply means we’re made differently. When he makes love, he feels as if our hearts are connecting. It’s his way of checking in on the relationship.
And I don’t mean when we lie there and say, “you can if you want to”, and then we look like we’re counting ceiling tiles. I mean when we throw ourselves into it, and even initiate sex! The sexiest thing, to a man, is to have a wife who is enthusiastic about sex–not just a wife who placates him.
A man knows that for a woman to enjoy it she has to DECIDE to enjoy it.
She has to want to make love. If she wants to make love and enjoys it, then, she’s told him, “I want to be with you. I want to have fun with you. I have decided to give myself to you.”
If you make love with relative frequency, then, he knows that you truly love him and want him. If he feels truly loved and wanted, he’ll want to be home more. He’ll want to be with you more. He’ll want to be more involved with the family. He’ll find it easy to be more involved with the family! He won’t have to be fighting that feeling that he isn’t really wanted or appreciated; he’ll be able to pitch in and help knowing that he is. It invigorates him; it energizes him; it propels him to action.
But wait–you may say. Are you saying that I should have sex whatever he’s doing? Like it’s a reward or a bribe or something? After all, there are so many other issues in our relationship! We’re in debt and he doesn’t take it seriously. Our children are holy terrors and he won’t discipline them. He won’t listen to me about how mean his mother is to me. And the list can go on and on.
May I suggest that if you get the sex part right, it will then be a lot easier to deal with these other very real issues?
Sex is your way of saying to him, “I’m committed to you, I love you, I want you, I value you.” If he knows that and feels it, it’s so much easier to then bring up the really big issues that are bothering you.
I can’t tell you the number of women who have written to me saying,
“I used to think we had a horrible marriage. He never showed me love, we were fighting all the time, and I didn’t think I could go on. Then I read The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex and just decided to jump in for both our sakes. And my husband is a completely changed man! He loves being with me. We laugh so much more. And those problems I thought we had? They’ve gotten so much easier to manage.”
Now, I’m not saying have sex so that your husband will change. But what I am saying is that when you’re not having sex with your husband, you’re allowing that gap between you to widen. When we make love, you see, he feels closer and empowered. But we also feel closer to him, and all the things that bug us about him are minimized as well because sex has a powerful way of bringing you together emotionally as well as physically. We’re feeling more intimate and more connected, so the little things don’t bother us as much anymore. We realize that they really are just little things.
Will sex solve all the problems in your relationship? No, of course not. But it will very likely help you with a whole lot of them, and that greater intimacy and connection will make working through the bigger issues easier. And just jumping in and having sex is a lot better than staying up all night hashing it out and still feeling distanced and at odds in the morning.
Besides, sex feels great (or at least it should!). And if we decide that we’re going to enjoy it, and we start looking forward to it, then sex isn’t just for him. It’s for both of you. And that helps you feel closer, too, and more ready to deal with other issues in your marriage.
If you don't prioritize sex in your marriage, you may be missing out on one of the greatest blessings for your relationship. Here's why:Click To Tweet
Here’s my question: if there really were something so simple that could help you so dramatically with your marriage, why wouldn’t you try it?
So why not take this challenge:
For one month, decide “I will make love every night unless there’s a really good reason not to, and I will not go longer than 72 hours without sex. I will decide to enjoy it and throw myself into it.”
Now, if you are struggling with low libido and feel defeated by the idea of even initiating sex, may I suggest trying the Boost Your Libido course? I created it for women just like you–women who want more for their marriage, who feel that there is more just around the corner, but no matter how hard she tries it always seems to slip through her fingers.
God created you to have awesome sex in your marriage–but if that truth seems too distant to believe, try my course. It walks through the issues many women find are blocking their libido and helps them find what true intimacy really means. Check it out, and I hope it blesses your marriage!
Sex is about more than release; it's about connecting emotionally, spiritually, and physically with your spouse. Click To Tweet
So today, write down how you feel about your husband: do you feel close? Do you feel like you can talk? Do you feel loved?
Then do that for a month, and ask yourself the same questions. See if the answers are different.
You just may find that it really is that simple after all!
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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 26 years and happily married for 21! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.Find Sheila Here:YouTube
Sheila's Favorite Posts on To Love, Honor and Vacuum:
10 ways to initiate sex
10 Effects of Porn on Your Brain, Marriage, & Sex Life
Why So Much Marriage Advice is So Trite
How can Sex be Hot and Holy at the Same Time?
Check out some of Sheila's Books:
The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex
31 Days to Great Sex
9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage
To Love, Honor, and Vacuum
Check out Sheila's Courses:
The Boost Your Libido Course
The Whole Story: Talking to Your Daughter about Sex, Puberty, and Growing Up
The FREE Emotional Intimacy E-Course
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