How to End the Chore Wars with Your Kids
We’ve got a great post from Connected Families today about how to end the Chore Wars for good in your home. I just love their wisdom when it comes to this tricky subject–check it out!
You’ve tried every trick to get your kids to simply do some basic chores and you are met with resistance. You never would have dreamed of sassing back to your parents about chores the way you’ve gotten sass. What’s the deal???
Perhaps the “deal” is that your kids feel trapped and resentful. If they could articulate their underlying beliefs about it, they might say something like, “Mom/Dad, if I do the chore you’ve asked me to do – you win and I lose.”
This sounds kind of crazy to us as parents. You know that great teamwork as a family is a win for everyone. You know that kids who learn to work hard “win” because a strong work ethic is critical to overall success in life. But your kids likely don’t know what you know, or believe what you believe. It’s also quite possible that if your child struggles with irresponsibility and entitlement then their beliefs about chores probably include:
Work is hard and boring and worthless (no value)
I’m the kind of kid who loves fun and hates work (my identity)
I get intense attention when I refuse to do something (reward)
If I can get Mom or Dad to do my chores, it’s a win! (big reward)
If this sounds familiar it’s no wonder your family is struggling and stuck!
When this dynamic happens, parents often reach for those old standbys: chore charts and rewards. Google “chore charts for kids” and you get 30 million hits! Chore charts certainly have their place, but when parents find themselves needing systems and ever-larger rewards to motivate responsibility – those “dangling carrots” usually backfire because they communicate: “You’re right, work is awful. And you need me to manage your life.”
So, what can I do?
Let’s start by demoting chore charts to their real place – as a logistical aid, not a motivator. This will free you up to focus much more of your energy on mentoring wisdom and much less on managing behavior. Building helpful values and wisdom in your kids is not a quick, single conversation: Check. Done. Junior now loves to work hard and is outside weeding the garden without being asked.
How to help your kids see that chores aren't the end of the world--and even pitch in willingly!Click To Tweet
In reality, building values and wisdom takes time, intentionality and thoughtful awareness of the messages my child receives from me day in and day out about work and diligence.
Do I come home from my job complaining and crabby? Is there a hierarchy in our home where the most powerful people get out of the jobs they don’t like? Is it clear by my demeanor that I’d rather be doing anything else but mopping the floors?
Or – am I grateful for my job and model joy when I work hard? Do I talk about feeling good when I’ve accomplished something? Do I draw my kids into household tasks and make it fun?
Our family put a verse about work to a goofy simple tune, “Work hard and cheerfully, cheerfully, cheerfully. Work hard and cheerfully as though for the Lord. Colossians 3:23, Cha, cha, cha!” (with a little hip swing…) Because our kids had a good sense of humor they enjoyed this even in late elementary and middle school, but for most families that would be more helpful for younger kids.
Another family on our team combats the “work is drudgery to be avoided” belief by designating a reasonably short time slot a couple of times a week as “family clean-up time” after dinner – they put on loud fun music, go at it with gusto, and then finish up with dessert together. That’s a great time to affirm the hard work and celebrate how much nicer the house feels.
As you’re looking at the long-term (not quick fix) goal of mentoring wisdom, it really helps to look for opportunities to have some light-hearted, question-filled discussions. No lectures! 
