Sheila Wray Gregoire's Blog, page 98
October 7, 2018
Sharing the Responsibility for Birth Control: Don’t Be Selfish, Guys!
And that’s not right.
I’m down in New Brunswick (right on the Quebec border, on the north shore) right now for Canadian Thanksgiving and Keith’s family reunion! The colours here are GORGEOUS. (I’ve been posting on Instagram about some hikes we’ve been doing; come on over and follow me there! And I’ve done a lot of Instagram stories, too). The girls aren’t with me, but two of Keith’s brothers and their wives are, along with my parents-in-law. Great weekend!
Anyway, I was supposed to post an Ask Sheila video today, but I totally forgot to upload it before I left, so that’s not going to work. But last week, when I posted my birth control round up, I started noticing a theme in some of the comments that concerned me. And so I just want to address something important today.
First, let’s reiterate one basic principle about contraception:
Some contraception methods work by actually changing your body, which can have side effects. Others are simple “barrier” methods that don’t affect health at all.
Some women sail by with hormonal birth control and love it (I’ve received many of those comments; I’ll post some in my in-depth look at The Pill on Wednesday). But other women are really impacted by hormonal birth control. I know I was. My mood seriously suffered (I got so angry and depressed). I gained 5 pounds in one month (another family member gained 30 pounds in 4 months after being the exact same weight for years). I lost my libido. I got blood clots. I got blood blisters. And that was on several kinds of pills.
Many women echoed my story. The Pill changes you. It is hormonal, so it is messing with your natural hormone levels to make sure that you don’t ovulate. That is going to have some repercussions. And those repercussions aren’t only when you’re having sex; you’re changing your health and your body 100% of the time for the sake of the time that you do have sex.
The condom, on the other hand, doesn’t do a thing to your bodies. It simply acts as a barrier when you’re having sex. When you’re not having sex, your body is perfectly normal.
Condoms are very high tech right now; they are extremely comfortable.
I have a friend who had infertility issues her whole life, and so she never used birth control because they always figured, if they got pregnant, they’d be happy.
Well, her husband is currently in chemo, and so they have to wear condoms to protect her from radiation. They weren’t looking forward to this at all, remembering what condoms had been like many years ago. But to their surprise, they’re not like that at all now! They’re much thinner. You can barely feel them. And they make clean up so much easier.
I’m going to be blunt here: Often when men don’t like wearing condoms, or find that they impede sensation too much, it’s because they’re wearing too much condom. They’re not wearing the size that fits. Many guys like to buy the “Xtra Large” size, and many guys are simply not extra large. That’s why condoms can feel like you’re wearing a balloon. And that’s when condoms are most likely to fall off. Get a condom that fits, and it’s great!
Now, does that mean that it doesn’t impede sensation at all? No, likely not. But it’s not like it makes sex terrible. It means that instead of 100% pleasure, there may be 90% pleasure. It’s not like it’s 0%! And hey–you can get ribbed ones, too!
When I hear women saying, “my husband won’t wear a condom, so I have to go on the Pill even though it makes me miserable”, then, I get very concerned.
What he is saying is that he thinks going from 100% pleasure to 90% pleasure is so absolutely terrible and awful that he would rather his wife take hormones into her body that change her mood and make her miserable.
When I hear women saying, 'my husband won't wear a condom, so I have to go on the Pill even though it makes me miserable', then, I get very concerned.Click To Tweet
Considering that one of the biggest side effects of the Pill is loss of libido, too (and with that for women often comes loss of ability to enjoy sex as much), he’s saying, again, that he thinks it’s fair for him to ask her to sacrifice her pleasure and her well-being for the sake of his 10% loss of pleasure.
This is just so wrong. Her pleasure, and her health, matter!
(Interestingly, researchers know how to make a male version of The Pill. It inhibits sperm production. In many ways, it’s better than the female Pill, where there’s always a chance you might ovulate or that it may stop implantation rather than conception. The problem? It has all the same side effects of the female pill (moodiness, weight gain, loss of libido, etc.), and so men won’t take it and they can’t market it. Women are willing to do this to our bodies; men, as a whole, aren’t as willing.)
Now, if The Pill works for you, and you don’t like condoms, more power to you. That’s fine! But I had so many women comment saying that they would rather not use hormonal birth control, but their husbands refused to wear condoms, so they didn’t have a choice. That’s when I get really concerned.
Similarly, I heard from many women who underwent tubal ligations because their husbands refused to have vasectomies.
Again, let’s look at the dichotomy: a vasectomy is a very minor procedure, done in a doctor’s office. A tubal ligation is an actual surgery. A tubal ligation can affect hormones and can have long term health effects (not always, but it can); a vasectomy has nothing like that. Vasectomies are far more minor; have far fewer risks; and have far fewer long term side effects.
For a husband to say, “you should be the one to get the surgery” means he’s saying that you should undergo a far more major, riskier procedure because he doesn’t want to go through a minor one.
That is not right and that is not fair.
So can I just ask you something right now, that I think gets to the heart of the problem?
Do you think that you “owe” your husband amazing sex?
I think we believe this, and THIS is the root of our problems when it comes to birth control. We feel that our duty is to provide him with amazing sex, and so if he thinks a condom won’t let him have amazing sex, then we have to figure out a way around it so that he can still have amazing sex. What we experience doesn’t seem nearly as important, because we grow up in the church hearing that a wife’s primary responsibility is to keep her husband satisfied sexually. His sexual needs matter most.
Likewise, if he’s afraid to have a doctor go near his private parts, then we have to have surgery ourselves, because his private parts matter most.
Birth control should be a shared responsibility. She should not be expected to take hormones, even if it negatively affects her, just so that he doesn't have to wear a condom if he doesn't like them. Click To Tweet
Our husband’s sexuality and comfort is more important than our health: is that honestly what we believe?
I completely believe in awesome sex! I completely believe that we women should be aiming for awesome, frequent sex. I’ve told you time and again that sex is a really important part of marriage, and that his needs do matter, and it’s not okay to just refuse sex.
But at the same time, sex is not for him. Sex is about both of you, together. It’s a deep knowing. As I explained in detail in The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, it’s not like sex is for him and we’re the afterthought, who get the crumbs. Sex isn’t primarily physical. It’s emotional, spiritual, and physical, all wrapped up into one. And it only works if it’s a true intimacy where it’s two people being joined, not just one serving another forever.
If you are in a marriage dynamic that says that your health needs matter less than his pleasure, that is not right.
That is when you say, “Honey, I’m not going to put drugs into my body because they affect me too much, so you’ll have to wear a condom or we can’t have sex.”
I don’t normally advise refusing sex at all. But this issue isn’t about sex. This is about marriage.
This is serious stuff. And if he thinks it’s okay to change the hormonal balance in your body against your wishes, even if you have negative side effects, because he doesn’t like condoms, that is just not okay. You do not have to sacrifice your health (and your libido and pleasure) just so that he enjoys sex marginally more. You do not have to feed his selfishness.
Again, I am not referring to relationships where you would rather use hormonal birth control, or where there’s a medical or other reason why you should be the one who should be sterilized instead of him. But when his comfort is the ONLY consideration when you’re deciding on birth control methods–that’s wrong.
(And if you’re having this issue in your marriage, maybe you should go back and read last month’s series on what submission really means!)
Please, wives, your health and pleasure matter, too! When making decisions about birth control, his comfort and pleasure should not be the only considerations.Click To Tweet
And today, I just wanted to say that.
What do you think? How can we make birth control a shared responsibility? What are we doing wrong in the way we talk about it? Let’s talk in the comments!
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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 26 years and happily married for 21! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.Find Sheila Here:YouTube
Sheila's Favorite Posts on To Love, Honor and Vacuum:
10 ways to initiate sex
10 Effects of Porn on Your Brain, Marriage, & Sex Life
Why So Much Marriage Advice is So Trite
How can Sex be Hot and Holy at the Same Time?
Check out some of Sheila's Books:
The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex
31 Days to Great Sex
9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage
To Love, Honor, and Vacuum
Check out Sheila's Courses:
The Boost Your Libido Course
The Whole Story: Talking to Your Daughter about Sex, Puberty, and Growing Up
The FREE Emotional Intimacy E-Course
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October 5, 2018
Massage Is a Marriage Booster: It’s Relaxing–and Sexy, Too!
And it makes you touch one another!
So thank you to Denis from MELT Massage for Couples for sponsoring this post.
For me, massage is an absolute must. I go to a massage therapist at least once a month, but Keith also gives me an awesome massage a few times a week. It helps my back not get out of whack, but it also has the added benefit of helping me feel much sexier. Touch starts the libido going!
I’ve written before about massage, because Denis from MELT Massage is an awesome sponsor of this blog, and his massage videos have totally changed the way that Keith and I massage each other. We realized, after watching his videos, that we were doing it all wrong. We were zeroing in on the tension points and then rubbing like crazy, rather than using the long strokes (let alone massage oil!) that actually prepares the muscles to relax in the first place. All we were doing was aggravating tension, rather than alleviating it.
Denis wrote me recently about a new tutorial he has up, just in time for Breast Cancer Awareness Month, something he’s passionate about, as am I. My mom is a breast cancer survivor (she got breast cancer when I was just 16, and she was my only caregiver), and I have family members walking through this right now. And so I jumped at the chance to talk about it!
At first breast massage seemed out of left field to me, because we usually associate massage with your back. But as I watched the free video, it made sense! (And I won’t share too much information about trying it, but let’s just say it’s fun! And the video shows no naked women, don’t worry).
Breast massage feels amazing. It’s intimate. And it’s good for you! And here’s something else I’ve noticed:
We women often need a period of transition between “my normal life” and “sex”.
And sometimes that transition is just too short. We need to feel, skin on skin, to start getting the libido going. Many women, too, hate it when their husbands head straight to the “sex targets” when it comes to foreplay. We want more romantic touch first before it starts getting too sexual. Massage lets you have that–especially if you start with a back massage, and then flip over. Things will naturally happen from there!
And if you’re someone who gets a little stressed when your husband touches your breasts (as many women do), here’s a great way to bring the tension level down and just breathe and enjoy!
Plus–and this is a nice side benefit–if your husband gets used to how your breasts feel, he may notice if something’s not quite right. Massage is a brilliant way to identify inconsistencies in breast tissue. Denis suggests:
Use massage oil to help you glide over your partners body. The glide makes it much easier to note the difference between normal breast tissue and lumps.
(Of course, this doesn’t replace regular check-ups or mammograms, and you shouldn’t treat breast massage like you’re specifically looking for lumps. It’s just a great extra).
And breast massage works just as well on your husband as it does on you! He needs the focused attention and the touch as well.
How to Give a Great Breast Massage
Begin with a back rub first!
Don’t go right for the breasts. You’ve got to build trust and release tension, and then chances are she’ll want him to touch her there, anyway!
Get yourself Denis’ MasterClass on massage–MELT Massage for Couples is a complete guide to the perfect back rub! From your back rub, you can flow into the breast massage.
Concentrate on relaxation strokes.
(Denis teaches you how to do these in the course) until your partner begins to engage with you. “hmm’s” and “ahh’s” is what you’re looking for!
Play with as much relaxation strokes as you like… and when you’re ready:
Add a little deep tissue massage to knots and areas of tension.
For me, these tension areas are usually in my shoulders, deep at the edge of my shoulder blades, and at the base of my skull. We’ve learned, after watching the videos, that the best way to relax those tension spots isn’t to target them right away, but to do the relaxation strokes first. And Denis from MELT tells you how to focus on those tension spots, too!
Turn to the front!
October 4, 2018
Why (Older) Women Often Long for More Adventure in Bed
Think of the “cougar” stereotype, that older woman who is looking for a younger man to satisfy her.
Recently, when I was flying back from Kenya, the movie Book Club was offered, and it fits this stereotype perfectly. Book Club, starring Candice Bergen, Diane Keaton, Mary Steenburgen, and Jane Fonda, follows four senior women who have choose to read 50 Shades of Grey–and supposedly find a whole new world of sexy confidence. I have a particular interest in how this book is affecting our culture, since I think it was one of the big catalysts for the surge in erotica and porn use among women, and so I thought I’d check it out.
Why do so many older women want more adventure in the bedroom? How can we find what we are looking for earlier in life?Click To Tweet
I watched maybe 20 minutes before I couldn’t take it anymore, so I honestly don’t know how it turned out, but given the immense problems with 50 Shades of Grey, I can’t think it was anything very good. But still, I believe that the movie tapped into an important thing that many women feel, and to explain it, I’ll just tell a story of your average woman, and we’ll call her Jane.
Jane grows up dreaming of being married to a wonderful guy who will sweep her off of her feet.
She marries off her Barbies. She practises kissing into her pillow when she’s 12 years old. She has crushes in youth group and some of them break her heart.
Along the way, she learns a thing or two about sex. She hears from the culture that she’s valued if she looks a certain way. She likes it when boys want to talk to her, but she also knows that it’s often tied to how she looks. She feels uncomfortable when she starts growing breasts, and especially when older guys ogle her. She wants to be pretty, and she yearns to look like all the girls on TV, but she’s never quite sure how to dress her body, and she always feels quite frumpy.
When she gets to college, she meets a guy who she absolutely adores.
He loves her back. They spend hours talking–and hours making out. She loves feeling carried away when they kiss, but at the same time she knows she has to keep her wits about her and make sure that they don’t go too far. So she tends to find these episodes exhilarating and annoying at the same time. She hates always having to be on guard. She wishes that sometimes he would want to do something else.
They get married, and she has great visions of what it means to be a good wife. She’s learning how to make awesome meals. She wants to start figuring out how to keep the house clean for once in her life, and finds she’s actually not bad at it. She loves being married, but she wishes that sex weren’t quite the big deal for her husband that it is. I mean, she likes sex, she supposes. But she also misses all the long walks, and all the long talks they had before they got married. She sometimes wonders if life was better before sex came into the picture, because now it seems he’s always annoyed at her if sex doesn’t happen, and she’s tired of feeling not good enough.
That “not good enough” feeling permeates into all of Jane’s life.
She tries really hard, but she can never make the money go far enough, or the meals tasty enough. With her job, she feels respected and she’s going places, but she hates that she seems to have twice as much work to do as her husband, because she still has to do most of the housework.
When the kids come, she feels a whole new level of love than she ever thought possible. They become her focus. Yet even though she loves them, she sometimes wonders what it would be like to be alone for a whole day. She wishes to have that endless to do list that’s always going through her brain just shut up. She doesn’t want to always be thinking about the doctor’s appointments and the dentist’s appointments and catching the sales at the grocery store and picking up the birthday present for her daughter’s best friend’s birthday party.
In the meantime, her husband is getting more and more into video games. He’s pulling away. She finds work far more satisfying than being with him, but she knows she just has to try harder. She decides she’ll lose some weight, because she’s so angry that she put on 40 pounds since having babies. She tries. And tries. And tries. Her husband has given up asking for sex now.
When the kids are grown, they scatter. One goes to school on the other side of the country. Another heads overseas on a mission. And one son marries, but he spends way more time with his in-laws than with them. The people she devoted her entire life to for 25 years are gone.
And one day, Jane wakes up and realizes she doesn’t know who she is anymore.
And she gets mad.
Really mad.
She has spent her whole life trying–and it hasn’t gotten her very far. She threw her all into her children, and they’re gone now. She’s spent her whole life feeling not good enough, and her husband seems to agree. She knows she bores him, because he’s never around. But quite frankly, he bores her, too.
Why, when sex didn’t feel very good, was it something she had to fix? Why didn’t he think to himself, “wow, my wife isn’t getting much out of this. Maybe I should be a better lover!”
In fact, sex seems to be the heart of a lot of her anger. Sex was always something she did for him. She had to be beautiful–for him. She had to want sex enough–for him. She had to learn to be a good lover–for him. And so she never really enjoyed her own body. It was something that someone else got to use. And she’s tired of it. She wants to be all who Jane can be!
And so it’s her turn now! It’s her turn to discover that ball of fire she was in college, when the world was stretched out in front of her, and the possibilities were endless. Because she finally realizes that if she doesn’t do something now, she’s never going to do it.
She has given her life for everyone else, and no one has come back to her to say, “what can I do to make you happy, Jane?” Giving to others hasn’t helped her. It’s time that she think about herself first.
Our world is full of Janes–women who give so much of themselves to their families, who accept the constant guilt of not being good enough, who don’t think about what they actually want, but only what is expected of them.
I think our churches are full of more Janes even than the world is (and perhaps that’s why the sales of 50 Shades of Grey were even higher in states where church attendance was the highest). There are a lot of very dissatisfied women out there.
Something happens when women have been dissatisfied and dismissing their own needs for years.
One day, especially around menopause and when the children leave, they realize that they want more from this life, and if they don’t get it now, they’ll never get it.
I don’t want you to be a middle-aged or senior Jane.
I don’t want you to one day wake up and be super angry because your needs haven’t mattered your whole life. I don’t want you to think that sex has always been something you did for him–and so from now on it’s going to be something you’ll do for you, darn it! I don’t want you to feel like your whole life has been a waste.
We don't want to one day wake up and be super angry because our needs haven't mattered our whole life. Here's what we can do for our marriages NOW!Click To Tweet
And so let me suggest something to you:
If you are still in your twenties, thirties, even forties…don’t be a Jane.
Don’t devote yourself so much to your kids that you lose any sense of who you are. You’re still a woman! Have friends. Develop hobbies. Spend some time by yourself.
Don’t let our culture tell you whether or not you are beautiful. Love the body you have. Eat well and sleep well. It isn’t selfish to spend time on yourself. Fight the frump now!
Don’t let yourself drift apart in your marriage and rely on your kids for your emotional needs instead. Talk to your husband if you’re feeling taken for granted. Find hobbies as a couple to do so you keep laughing and don’t get bored.
But when it comes to sex, don’t make it all about him! Don’t have sex just “for him”. Don’t think that your own orgasms don’t matter. Don’t dismiss sex altogether because it’s a bother and there are more important things to do. You need passion in your life! You were made to feel carried away, and to feel good.
And that doesn’t mean making sex into something that’s primarily for you (the mistake that Jane makes in her senior years). It means understanding that sex is about both of you, together. Sex is about intimacy, and physical pleasure, all tied up into one. You both matter. Even if it takes a lot of hard conversations about how to make sex feel good or how to make you feel desired, fight through it. Don’t shy away from it. Talk about it!
If you don’t figure out how to embrace sex and how to speak up about what you really need emotionally in your early years of marriage, and it will be hard not to be a Jane later.
If you are in menopause or older…choose real passion.
The key to passion isn’t 50 Shades of Grey. It’s learning true emotional vulnerability with your husband, at the same time as you learn to embrace yourself and let go of control. Great sex isn’t about focusing on what you want as much as it is rebuilding your relationship so that you’re passionate about each other again.
The key to passion isn't 50 Shades of Grey. It's learning true emotional vulnerability with your husband, at the same time as you learn to embrace yourselfClick To Tweet
If you’ve lived your whole life for other people, and you don’t know who you are anymore, then sex can’t be passionate, because sex is a joining of two different beings. If you have already disappeared, then sex is missing something. Sex is the ultimate “knowing” of each other, as I explained in The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex. If you don’t even know who you are, then it’s hard to experience that “knowing” with someone else.
So go on a journey with yourself. Discover your passions, your callings, the things that bring you joy. Start truly communicating with your husband about what you want and what makes you excited in life.
But above all, remember that real satisfaction doesn’t come just in concentrating on only yourself. It comes in valuing yourself, and then loving those around you. Becoming selfish doesn’t lead to great sex, and it certainly won’t lead to a fulfilling life. But neither will constantly ignoring your own needs and wants, either.
You matter. But so does your husband. So cling tightly to both your own passions and your life together–and then hopefully you won’t become a Jane.
Why do you think women become dissatisfied over time? What can we do about it? Let’s talk in the comments!
October 3, 2018
Which Birth Control Method Is Right for You? Let’s Evaluate Them All!
Every month, I like to take a new topic and address it every Wednesday. And I realized recently that I had not written about birth control since 2010! Yikes! Especially because it’s such a common question I get when it comes to sex in marriage.
So this month I thought I’d dedicate towards talking about how to choose a birth control method that will work for you.
Now, that’s opening a huge can of worms. I know that there are some reading the blog who think that any form of contraception at all is wrong. (I will be talking about natural family planning quite a bit, by the way!). I understand, and I respect you for that, and if you don’t want to talk about it, it’s okay. Just please understand that there are a lot of women who are very eager to hear some of this information.
My own personal view (which is going to come out this month!), is that God gave us certain physical signs so that we would know when we are fertile, so that we would have the ability to make decisions about family size. And family size is a consideration today in a way that it wasn’t in biblical times or even 150 years ago. Children born today tend to live to adulthood; they don’t die in infancy. And kids aren’t necessary for the family’s economic prosperity in the way they were many years ago when you needed kids to work on the farm. Instead, they’re very expensive (even if you can save money by being smart and thrifty!). Just one simple example: it’s hard to get a vehicle that seats more than 8 people, so once you’ve had 6 kids, you can no longer even travel altogether in one vehicle. Modern life just makes us see family size in a very different way.
At the same time, I don’t think that’s it’s a great idea to mess around with our bodies very much when it comes to our fertility. So I guess I’m one of those people that fits in the middle–I do think it’s okay to try to choose when kids come; but I also think we need to be careful with how we do that.
Today I want to give a broad overview of the main methods of birth control, with their pros and cons, and then later in the month we’ll look in more detail at The Pill, natural family planning, and what to do about contraception as you get ready for your wedding.
But before we do that, we need to remember one basic truth:
When it comes to birth control, you can’t have it all.
You’re going to be balancing the side effects and downsides of any method with the risk of an unplanned pregnancy.
There are different risks to each method of birth control: risks to your long term health; risks of an unplanned pregnancy; and (potentially) risks of accidentally causing a conceived baby to be unable to implant in the uterus, causing a spontaneous abortion.
You cannot have sex without dealing with these risks. If you are choosing to have sex, you also must choose how to balance those risks, and deal with the effects of those choices.
In the absence of a medical reason, if a pregnancy would be truly and deeply devastating to you and your spouse and must be avoided at all costs, do not get married–or at least get sterilized. It’s really that simple. No method is 100% effective (really except sterilization), and so if you’re going to be having sex, you can’t then also view a baby as a tragedy.
That being said, with perfect use, birth control methods nearly all perform extremely well.
Effectiveness at preventing pregnancy with all those listed here is in the 95th percentile or above (except diaphragms, which are 92-94% effective with perfect use, and pulling out, which is about 75% effective with perfect use). A rating of 95% effective means that 5 women among every 100 using the method perfectly for a year will get pregnant at some point during that year. To put this in perspective, among women without known fertility problems who are under 37, 85 out of 100 women will get pregnant within a year of unprotected sex.
Perfect use means that you always use it correctly: you always wake up on time to take your pill, take your temperature, or always use a condom. So when you’re evaluating different birth control methods, you also have to ask yourself, “am I the kind of person who could use this method perfectly?”
What I don’t want to do in writing this series about birth control is to tell you what choices are right for you in your marriage.
Instead, my goal is to give you the information you need to make informed choices. Sex education in Christian families is often really poor (that’s why we created The Whole Story!), and we know too many couples who have had unexpected babies. (This isn’t to say that an unplanned baby is a bad thing, speaking as the wife of an unplanned baby!). Instead, my hope is that a couple will choose whether they want to be open to an unexpected baby or not.
Another important reason to understand the breadth of birth control options is that the method that works for your marriage and family will likely change in different seasons of your life. Knowing what options are available will help you adjust as life’s changes happen.
So let’s jump in!
Birth Control Method
Pros
Cons
The Pill
Allows for skin-on-skin contact
Can have sex any time
Can improve acne problems
Can lessen menstrual cramps and regulate irregular periods
Contains hormones
Can lower libido
Can cause some women to gain weight
Cause cause mood changes
Can interact with other medications
Must be taken at the same time, daily, to be effective
There is often a lag time of several months to a year after stopping The Pill to your body able to become pregnant
Can prevent a fertilized egg from implanting
No protection from STIs
Condoms
You don’t need a prescription to use them
You can stop and try to get pregnant immediately
No artificial hormones
Protects from STIs
Can have sex any time (as long as one’s on hand!)
Makes clean up afterwards much easier
Can change how sex feels without skin-on-skin contact
Has to be used consistently to be effective
IUD (hormonal)
Lasts up to 5 years with no maintenance
Can have sex any time
Periods may become lighter or even stop completely
No increase in time to pregnancy over condoms if you want to get pregnant after using it
Allows for skin-on-skin contact
Contains hormones
Must be medically inserted and removed, which can be uncomfortable
No protection from STIs
Some studies suggest they can prevent a fertilized egg from implanting
When pregnancy does happen using an IUD, it’s much more likely to result in an ectotopic pregnancy.
Side effects can include cramping for multiple weeks after insertion and intermittent spotting for 3 months after it is first inserted. Periods can often be lighter, but inconsistent so there’s no warning for some women.
Natural Family Planning (Sympto-Thermal Method)
Allows you to know your cycle and catch hormonal/fertility problems
No lag time to get pregnant
No artificial hormones
Free (ok, you buy a thermometer…)
Allows for skin-on-skin contact
Must use multiple methods to be effective
Must be very vigilant about charting/ checking fertility signs
Very little room for error
Many times a month where sex is not possible without using additional contraceptives
No protection from STIs
Pulling out
Allows for skin-on-skin contact
No artificial hormones
Can have sex at any time
Free
Not effective (pre-ejaculate can contain sperm)
Not considered a birth control method by OB-GYNs
No protection from STIs
Reduces pleasure, since the man has to catch himself right at the height of orgasm and stop the natural urge
Vaginal Ring
Allows for skin-on-skin contact
Lasts for a month – you don’t need to remember it daily
Can cause lighter periods
Contains hormones
Can’t be used by all women
Can interact with other medications
Some studies suggest it can prevent a fertilized egg from implanting
No protection from STIs
Diaphragm
Allows for skin-on-skin contact
No artificial hormones
No lag time to get pregnant when stopping birth control
Can have sex any time (as long as you insert it first)
Must be inserted correctly to work and can be dislodged during sex
Less effective than other methods (gynecologists told Rebecca it only has a 75% success rate)
No protection from STIs
Sterilization (Vasectomy)
Very effective with no maintenance
More fun than a condom
Can have sex any time
Can be irreversible
Painful and vulnerable procedure for the person getting sterilized
No protection from STIs
There you go–the main forms of birth control, with their pros and cons.
I’m not going to comment much more than that today, because that’s already a lot of information! As the month goes on, we’ll talk more about some of these methods.
But let’s get the conversation started. Is there a method you LOVE? Is there a method you HATE? Let’s talk in the comments!
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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 26 years and happily married for 21! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
Find Sheila Here:
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Sheila's Favorite Posts on To Love, Honor and Vacuum:
10 ways to initiate sex
10 Effects of Porn on Your Brain, Marriage, & Sex Life
Why So Much Marriage Advice is So Trite
How can Sex be Hot and Holy at the Same Time?
Check out some of Sheila's Books:
The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex
31 Days to Great Sex
9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage
To Love, Honor, and Vacuum
Check out Sheila's Courses:
The Boost Your Libido Course
The Whole Story: Talking to Your Daughter about Sex, Puberty, and Growing Up
The FREE Emotional Intimacy E-Course
Are you ready to take your marriage to the next level?
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Does Your Sex Life Need a Pick-Me-Up?
Maybe it's gotten stale. Maybe it's never felt that great. Or maybe you just feel like you're missing something!
October 2, 2018
10 Tips for Starting a Clothing Allowance for Teens
Why? Because I believe strongly that one of the most important lessons we can give kids is how to handle money and budget accordingly. When kids are given money that they are responsible to make last, then they are more likely to look for deals. They become savvy consumers. And they learn the hard way what happens when you buy something that’s too expensive.
My Ask Sheila video last week featured my daughters and I answering a reader question from a mom who was concerned that her preteen wanted to wear clothes in the Victoria Secret PINK line. We debated the PINK issue for a while, but then I pointed something else out: If you want to avoid fights over brand names, one of the best ways is to give your kids access to the money and make all the choices their own. When my kids had a clothing allowance, they became super thrifty shoppers and began to love second hand stores.
The girls hamming it up at the gift shop in the Grand Canyon when they were 15 and 13.
So let’s break down the steps to creating a clothing allowance for your teens!
10 super easy steps to start a clothing allowance for your teens--and teach them the value of money!Click To Tweet
1. Choose What Clothes MUST Be in Your Teen’s Wardrobe
Before you can figure out how much money they’ll need, you have to figure out what clothes they’ll need. Giving them a blanket amount of money and figuring “this should do the trick” isn’t wise. First, kids will tend to need more clothing in the years that they’re growing than in the years that they’re not; but second, you don’t want to give them money if they honestly don’t need anything. So rather than just say, “we can spend $300 a year on clothes for you”, sit down and decide what they actually will need.
To do that, you have to first decide the basics. How many pairs of pants does your child actually need (not how many NEW ones, just how many pants, in general, do they need)? How many T-shirts? How many dresses, underwear, bras, swimsuits, etc.?
2. Go Shopping in Your Teen’s Closet
Now that you know how many of these things they will need, check what they already have! Go through their closets and drawers and count how many of each item of clothing they already have.
3. Purge Anything that Won’t Work Anymore
Do they have t-shirts with holes in them? T-shirts that are too small? After all, chances are you’re starting a clothing allowance right as your child is going through puberty, so they’ve likely outgrown some of the things they used to love. Boys shoot up so fast they sometimes need several pairs of pants over the course of just one year. And for girls, tops can get tight awfully quickly, and children aren’t always as quick to see this (they also may not want to admit it to themselves, especially girls with growing busts).
As you’re purging, your child may point out a perfectly functional t-shirt that they just don’t like anymore. They don’t NEED a new t-shirt to replace that one; they WANT a new T-shirt to replace that one. Your son may want multiple different running shoes–but he doesn’t actually NEED more than two. Base your clothing allowance on what a child needs, not what a child wants. You can always bless them at birthdays and Christmases with things they want, but a clothing allowance based on need will turn them into savvy shoppers so that their money will go further, and it will encourage them to earn money in other ways so that they can get their wants met.
4. Prepare Your Clothing Spreadsheet
Now that you know what your child’s basic wardrobe should contain, and what pieces they already have, you can fill in how many of each item they need! I’ve prepared a printable for you to download that you can fill out to help you. Check it out here!
5. Estimate How Much Each Item Will Cost
Time to do your research! Check out some basic online sites where you normally would shop, and see how much the average item costs. Enter this on your spreadsheet, and then multiply the number they need by the cost. So if your daughter needs five T-shirts, but she only has 2 that fit, and it’s reasonable to spend $10 on each one, she needs $30 for T-shirts. Repeat that for each item of clothing. Once you’ve done that, total everything up.
6. Decide How Much Their Clothing Allowance Will Be
Take a deep breath; your total may scare you. Our first year of a clothing allowance with Rebecca was super expensive. She needed new EVERYTHING since she was growing. Even underwear. And socks. Probably the most expensive year she ever had. She needed more money that year than I would spend on myself in four years!
Once you have that number, you have a few options. You can:
Give your child the whole amount
Give your child a portion of the whole amount, because you want them to work to earn some money, or because your family’s budget won’t allow for the full amount. They can still get the clothing they need by shopping on sales, shopping at second hand stores, or earning some extra money.
For our first year, I calculated what they would need, and then I gave them 75% of it, because I wanted to encourage thriftiness. They ended up buying very high quality clothes in second hand stores, and always looked great. And then they still treated themselves to a few brand names throughout the year.
7. Help Them Get a Debit Card or a Way to Access their Clothing Allowance
Now you want them to go out and shop! A clothing allowance only works if they see it as “their” money. If you say to them, “I’ll give you $400 this year for clothes”, but then you go shopping with them and you hand the clerk your credit card, and in some notebook at home you keep track how much you’ve spent, it won’t have the same effect. If you deposit a big sum for their clothing allowance into a bank account, though, and then they see their balance going lower as they buy things, then your teens will learn how to handle money much more effectively!
They need to have the money, and they need to spend the money.
You can either give one lump sum payment (I suggest using their birthday as an annual reminder), or give it every 4 or 6 months if your budget won’t allow for a lump sum.
Now they’ll need a debit card to shop. An awesome resource for this is FamZoo, which allows you to get debit cards that you can link with your own bank account. You can then transfer money to them for regular allowances, extra jobs, their clothing allowance, and more. Check it out here!
8. Once You’ve Given Them Their Clothing Allowance, Keep Your Wallet Closed
For a clothing allowance to do its job, you must now keep your wallet closed. If they spend all their allowance on an expensive pair of sneakers, and they have nothing left for underwear, don’t bail them out. Have them work for more money. Show them how to make their money last–and what happens when it doesn’t.
9. Require Them to Actually Shop
One of the potential pitfalls is that yo may have a teen who couldn’t care less what clothes they wear–but who really likes money. For boys, especially, you may find that they’re perfectly content with just one pair of jeans and 3 t-shirts if it means they keep more money in the bank to spend on other things. If you find your teen isn’t spending the money, you can require them to buy the things on your checklist, and even take them to the mall one Saturday until it gets done!
(However, if they would honestly choose to forgo some clothes, and they still have enough to look presentable and not stink, then that is their choice. Some give and take may have to happen here.)
10. Work Them Towards Independence By Changing their Clothing Allowance as They Mature
Don’t just give them the same amount of money every year, because their needs may change (and some years they may need very little!). You don’t want them spending money for the sake of spending money; you want them to buy things because they need them.
As they grew, too, I decided that I would spend less on their clothes. I decreased the amount we gave out every year by about 10%. If the figure next year, for instance, was $450, I’d give them $405. And the next year I’d take a little bit more off, so that by the time my girls were 18 they would be used to earning the money for their own clothes. I also encouraged them to work in some sort of part-time job. When Rebecca was 15, for instance, she had eight piano students, and both my girls taught swimming at the Y.
Now, we did give quite a generous allowance for doing chores around the house, so I wasn’t being mean. I do believe that parents should pay for necessities for kids. But I also believe that we need to teach kids to budget, and this is the way that we chose to do it.
We also added things to their allowance as they grew. When they were 15, we started giving them money for toiletries as well. By the time they left home, they were used to shopping for everything, and knew how to get good deals.
But did it work? Here’s Rebecca:
In one word: YES! I remember how excited I was when I first got a little debit card for my clothing allowance money. I felt I had more freedom in choosing what I wore, I learned to bargain shop, and I even got creative with the budget. I had a small jewelry-making business in high school, and one year I decided to use the clothing allowance funds to invest in all the supplies we would need for that year’s round of craft fairs. I put in $300 and came out with $3,500 of profits. So it’s not just about clothing, either–it’s about letting your kids experience what it is like to make financial decisions when it’s your own money that’s on the line. That’s a huge lesson I had to learn–and one that I remember wishing more of my friends in high school had learned, too (it seriously bothered me to hear them complaining how their parents wouldn’t buy them this or that!).
There are obviously tons of ways to teach your kids financial responsibility. But this really helped me. And it’s such a simple, foolproof tool that can really help your kids, as well.
If you want to check out my free printable to help you get your teen’s allowance started, click here!
Do your kids know how to use money wisely? Try implementing a clothing allowance!Click To Tweet
Have you ever used a clothing allowance with your teens? Or did you have one growing up? Share with me in the comments, and let’s talk!
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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 26 years and happily married for 21! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.Find Sheila Here:YouTube
Sheila's Favorite Posts on To Love, Honor and Vacuum:
10 ways to initiate sex
10 Effects of Porn on Your Brain, Marriage, & Sex Life
Why So Much Marriage Advice is So Trite
How can Sex be Hot and Holy at the Same Time?
Check out some of Sheila's Books:
The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex
31 Days to Great Sex
9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage
To Love, Honor, and Vacuum
Check out Sheila's Courses:
The Boost Your Libido Course
The Whole Story: Talking to Your Daughter about Sex, Puberty, and Growing Up
The FREE Emotional Intimacy E-Course
Are you ready to take your marriage to the next level?
Sign up for our emails and get access to the TLHV free marriage and parenting resource library. We have over 25 downloads and are constantly adding more. Sign up here!
October 1, 2018
Ask Sheila: Help! Foreplay Hurts–My Husband’s Wrist!
What do you do if foreplay actually hurts–the guy I mean?Yep, here at To Love, Honor and Vacuum, we tackle every kind of sex question imaginable. And today, for my Ask Sheila video, I thought I’d tackle this one (and with many thanks to the Ultimate Intimacy app for sponsoring this post–and to those of you who have replied to my Instagram stories about it with quite funny memes):
I just finished The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex and loved it. The biggest thing I gained from your book was simply that physical intimacy is a huge part of marriage and I need to focus on it. As a result, my husband and I have been intimate much more lately. This past week was the first time we achieved intimacy 4 times in a week (we’ve been married for 8.5 years). This was a huge success for us and the success is filtering into other areas of our relationship because of it. However, one problem we’ve had is that my husband has significant pain in his wrist from clitoral stimulation. And because of the increase in frequency, the pain is worse. Do you have any practical suggestions for this problem? I should say that I am 7 months pregnant, so I know that one suggestion might be to try to find ways to orgasm during intercourse, but this probably isn’t the best time to take that on as positions are currently a bit limited
September 28, 2018
You Can’t Change the World. You Can Change Your Family.
I’ve been trying to cocoon, not pay attention to the news, not think about much of anything at all.
That doesn’t mean, though, that I stop making a difference.
On the contrary–I realized a long time ago that I am far more effective at changing the world when I stop obsessing over things I cannot change, and start paying attention to things within my sphere of influence.
I used to obsess over politics, and get so upset (and even feel so righteous, because I was obviously right!), but there was just one problem. I wasn’t actually changing anything. I could see what needed changing, but I was putting all sorts of emotional energy into worrying about something that I couldn’t actually do much about.
I came to the conclusion that the world wasn’t going to get better until people understood that family mattered and that people mattered.
We needed to take responsibility for ourselves and act right. Reading the news constantly reinforced my views and made me sure I was right (which is a very heady and great feeling), but it didn’t do anything about the essential problem–that people were ignoring their families.
And so after one election I quit cold turkey. I decided no more blogs, no more news, I would just write this blog. By writing this blog I might be able to actually help a family or two. I decided to put my energy into the places where I might actually have influence.
My mother shared with me this concept about influence, and I thought it was brilliant. I’m going to adapt it slightly here, but essentially we live in a world that can be divided up into three circles: the things you can control; the things you can influence; and the things that you cannot influence or control.
Things I Can Control
Basically, this circle is very small. It contains only one person: yourself. You can control what you do, how you react, how you spend your time, etc.
Things I Can Influence
You can influence those closest to you: your family, your friends, your coworkers. And you have a higher degree of influence on those closest to you.
Things I Can’t Influence or Control
You can’t change the weather, the economy, what your boss decides to do with your company, what ISIS terrorists do, what happens with happens with Supreme Court nominations, etc. etc. etc. Most things are out of our control, and God does not ask us to spend time in areas that are out of our control. He asks us to do what we can–in the areas we can control.
But where do we spend most of our emotional energy? Worrying about things that we can’t control or influence.
Yet here’s something interesting: the more time we spend in the circles we can control and influence, the more influence we will have. And as we do that, often our sphere of influence grows. We’re actually more effective. And there’s a side benefit: people who spend most of their emotional energy in these two circles tend to be more joyful and peaceful. They aren’t worrying about things they can do nothing about; they’re pouring their energy into things they can influence, and often they’re seeing real changes.
Let me give you three examples of how this plays out.
When something’s bothering you about someone else, change how you react
In marriage, we often spend most of the time wondering how we can get our husbands to change: how to make them more romantic; how to get them to spend more time with the family; how to get them to want to talk to us. But you can’t change him. If you spend more time in the circle you can control, though–yourself–you will likely see your marriage changing. You can change how you react to him. You can find ways to insert joy into your life. You can change how you react to the kids and change the tone of the house. And as you do that, you’ll find your marriage, and your attitude about marriage, improving.
Learn to live in the present and enjoy those you love, rather than worry about the future
Here’s another one: when I was pregnant with my second child, we found out that he had a serious heart defect that would likely end his life early. I spent a lot of time in that outer circle, worrying about him and fretting and crying. But I couldn’t do anything about his heart defect. When I decided to spend time in the circle I could control–my own reactions–I started looking for little things to be grateful for everyday. I started learning to savour every moment I had with him. And when Christopher did pass away, I was much more peaceful about it because I had leaned on God rather than given over to worry.
Invest in those over whom you have the most influence
The first two points really talk about how not to live outside of your sphere of influence. But there’s another side to it: deliberately nurture your sphere of influence.
For me, that was a large part of the reason why I stayed home with my children. I realized that there were no two people on earth over whom I could have a greater influence, and I wanted to throw myself into them. And honestly? That’s still the thing I’m most proud of in my life. I just loved those years that I was home with them, and those years that we homeschooled. I know not everyone is able to stay at home, and I know that I was really blessed. But we had such great conversations, and I taught them how to be the kinds of people who would change the world.
Interestingly, I can see how both of them are now acting in their spheres of influence. I had an effect on them; they are having an effect on others. And that’s what’s cool: When we spend time with our kids and their friends, we can change this little bit of our culture, and that can have an effect on the wider society. When we help out a single mom in our neighbourhood, we can give her kids hope that marriage can work and show them good role models of strong, responsible men. When we choose to act in our circle of influence, we can end up changing, albeit in a small way, the culture that so upsets us.
In fact, when you spend time in your sphere of influence, your sphere of influence tends to get bigger.
And that means that you can invest in yourself, too! When my kids were little, I started writing because I wanted something to do when they napped. That’s turned into this blog, books, and speaking tours. Many of the young women who work for me do so from home, and they’ve been taking courses and learning new skills and they’re having a ton of fun.
If you want to change the world...Stop worrying about things you can't control, and spend time in your sphere of influence. That's how your influence grows!Click To Tweet
And that’s what’s so neat. You don’t have to stop learning and dreaming now, because the internet has opened up the world to us! I’m a HUGE proponent of online education (my girls took their first year of university online, from home), and I think that’s awesome for moms and dads, too. The website Online Degree, for instance, lets you take your entire first year of college from home, at your own pace, tuition free. Check out their free courses right here!
And Rebecca and I are starting a business soon where we’ll set up websites in specific niches that can generate an income, so that someone can buy that website and then have a business they can do from home. I’m just passionate about giving people the kind of options I had–to have flexible work, to contribute to your family’s income, but still feel like you’re able to be with your kids when you want to.
Yes, the news is difficult and depressing these days. But I still feel like we live in amazing times.
We can learn from home, work from home, use the internet to have an influence. And no matter what we do, we can still choose to love those around us.
So if you want to have influence, don’t just worry and fret and complain. Actually do something in your circle of influence. Invest in yourself, and those around you. That’s the way we change our marriages, our communities, and the world–and that’s the way we find true joy, true purpose, and true effectiveness in this life.
What do you think? How do you make yourself focus on your sphere of influence, and not fret about the rest? Let’s talk in the comments!
Author
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Sheila's Best Posts
Books
Courses
Freebie
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 26 years and happily married for 21! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.Find Sheila Here:YouTube
Sheila's Favorite Posts on To Love, Honor and Vacuum:
10 ways to initiate sex
10 Effects of Porn on Your Brain, Marriage, & Sex Life
Why So Much Marriage Advice is So Trite
How can Sex be Hot and Holy at the Same Time?
Check out some of Sheila's Books:
The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex
31 Days to Great Sex
9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage
To Love, Honor, and Vacuum
Check out Sheila's Courses:
The Boost Your Libido Course
The Whole Story: Talking to Your Daughter about Sex, Puberty, and Growing Up
The FREE Emotional Intimacy E-Course
Are you ready to take your marriage to the next level?
Sign up for our emails and get access to the TLHV free marriage and parenting resource library. We have over 25 downloads and are constantly adding more. Sign up here!
September 27, 2018
Scheduling Sex: Good Idea or Romance Killer?
When I give my Girl Talk events at churches, and get to the Q&A, this is always something I recommend when a couple has major libido differences. But I often get people thinking I’m a little bit nuts, because scheduling sex sounds so, well, boring. After all, sex is supposed to be passionate, right? And if you schedule it, don’t you take the passion out of it?
I wrote a post on this a while ago, but I thought it was worth revisiting, because for some couples, scheduling sex can really help. Here’s what a reader asked, which summarizes how scheduling sex can work well–but how we also often think that it’s somehow “less than”:
My husband and I struggle with having sex frequently. We’ve been married a year and a half, and we have sex less than once a month – for whatever reason. We both have our excuses. Recently I talked with my husband about scheduling sex. Or at least intimate time. We’ve started with once a week. And I’m already feeling better about it. I get so anxious about the unknown. I’m a planner. And I have a one-track mind. With a schedule I know what I’m expected to do at a specific time and my anxiety evaporates. Scheduled sex allows me to get in to the zone days before because I KNOW sexy time is coming. There’s no spontaneity or it sneaking up on me. (Spontaneity and I are NOT friends). If I feel cornered or surprised, I will almost always find a way to say no and reject my husband. I avoid this anxiety, scheduling works for me. Is this weird? My husband thinks so. But he’s grateful we’ve done something to address my anxiety and he’s getting more sex.
Excellent question! To answer it, let’s look at the pros and cons of scheduling sex, and then I’ll try to sum up.
Pros of Scheduling Sex
1. You Make Sex a Priority
Let’s face it: often we don’t end up making love because it’s the last thing on our to-do list. IF the dishes are done and IF the kids go to bed at a decent time and IF my emails are all answered and IF I feel 100% and IF I’m not ticked at my husband and IF I don’t have to be up early, then, when I hit the pillow at 11, I may consider having sex.
That’s a lot working against sex!
And if you’re the one who would be eager to jump him, and your husband is the one who always has the excuses, then you probably would like sex to be more of a priority, too.
With the way many of our lives go, sex is the last thing that gets taken care of. It’s only if everything else gets done. And so often it’s put on the back burner, even though sex is so important to helping a marriage stay intimate and fun. I think we forget how much sex benefits us women!
If you schedule it, and say that “every Wednesday and every Saturday we’ll have sex”, or whatever you pick, then you know you’ll be connecting. You know that it will happen. And you know that you’ll feel intimate again. In most marriages sex isn’t frequent enough; here’s one way to overcome that!
Plus, as we were talking about yesterday, we are called to serve our spouses, and part of what Paul is saying in Ephesians 5 is that women should be very intentional about serving our husbands. For many guys, this is a huge way that we can do that! I don’t advocate having sex just because he has needs you have to fill; I think deliberately making something a priority, and figuring out how it can be good for you, too, are even more important.
You Let Yourself Get Your Head in the Game
For women, so much of our sex drive is in our heads. When our heads are in the game, our bodies often follow. But it’s really hard to get your head in the game if you’re just going about your normal routine with kids or your job or the housework. If, though, you know that tonight you’re going to have some fun, you can think more positively about it. You can flirt with your husband more! You can send secret texts, or even just smile at a Stop sign.
Then, when evening comes around, you don’t have to do the endless “Do I want to tonight?” routine we women often torture ourselves with, like I talk about here:
You know you’re going to tonight, so you don’t have to figure out, “am I in the mood?” It’s a lot less stress!
Scheduling Sex can reduce the stress of wondering 'are we going to tonight?Click To Tweet
You Take More Care of Yourself
If you know you’re going to make love tomorrow night, and you get in the habit of making love a few times a week, it becomes more evident that you need to get more sleep! And you’re more likely to start treating your body better, and sleeping more, because you do want to enjoy what’s in store.
Cons of Scheduling Sex with Your Husband
Obligation Sex Isn’t Sexy
One of the reasons we do the “do I want to tonight?” routine is because when we REALLY don’t feel like it, sex can seem like a chore, or an imposition. I’m a firm believer that if we start telling ourselves positive things about sex we can turn that around, but I’m sure most of us know what it’s like to have sex because you feel guilty. And if you agree to scheduling sex, and then the night comes around and you really don’t feel like it, you can end up resenting sex, and your husband, even more.
Scheduling sex, then, really only works if you’re willing to say those positive things to yourself about sex. When you schedule sex, you don’t just commit to HAVING sex; you commit to having a good attitude about it and being enthusiastic about sex.
Now I do believe those are important things for every married woman to do. But if you just can’t, and you’re scheduling sex so that “at least he’ll only bug me on Wednesdays and Saturdays and not all the other days, too,” it likely won’t work well for you, and you’re not being fair to your husband or yourself. Your issue is bigger than just how often you have sex, and I’d really recommend working through the 31 Days to Great Sex with him to help you see sex as something positive, and to help him make sex something that you really will enjoy. And try my Boost Your Libido course, too, which can help you see sex in a totally different way!
Spontaneity Can Suffer
One of the wonderful things about making love with my husband is that sometimes we’re not planning on it. We fall into bed, and we’re both tired, and we just hug for a bit and talk. And in the process something just happens.
If you start scheduling sex, then you may limit those moments. Especially for men, it’s important to feel as if your spouse wants you, not just wants to placate you. Eliminate those times when you turn to each other JUST BECAUSE, and your spouse can start to feel as if it’s not something you really want to do; it’s just something you feel that you have to do.
Scheduling Sex: Will it work for your marriage? Here's how to figure it out!Click To Tweet
Let’s Put It All Together
For many low libido spouses who find it difficult to get motivated for sex, scheduling sex can be a great idea. And here’s the neat thing: once you start to make love with relative frequency, you start to yearn for it. You start to enjoy it. And then it may become more frequent all on its own! You see the difference it makes in your relationship when you do connect regularly.
If you’re in that camp, and it seems as if my reader is, then go for it! If you’re in a rut, and you don’t know how to get out of it, scheduling sex may be a very good thing to try.
So let me leave you with just a few warnings:
1. Think of the schedule as the minimum, not the maximum
If you decide on Wednesday and Saturday, and you feel a little frisky on a Monday, then do something on the Monday! Don’t “turn off” those feelings because “I don’t have to tonight”. Feel free to explore them, too! Scheduling sex should not eliminate spontaneity; it should just make sure you connect regularly, at a minimum. Don’t limit yourself to the days you’ve set!
2. Decide to Jump In Wholeheartedly
If you decide to go this route, pledge it in your heart, too. Decide that you will put everything into it. Make those nights the best you can. Plan fun things! Flirt. You put effort into other parts of your life; put it in here, too.
If you do those two things, then scheduling sex might give your marriage the jumpstart it needs! But making a schedule can never make up for a lack of enthusiasm, or for the feeling “at least I’m off the hook now”. I know that’s a really sad place to be, and if that’s where you are, I’d just encourage you to take steps not to stand for it. You were created to live an abundant life, and that includes an abundant marriage and an abundant life in the bedroom. If it’s not like that for you, commit to working on your friendship with your husband, and commit to learning how to make sex feel good (31 Days to Great Sex can help with that!).
Now it’s your turn: Have you ever tried to schedule sex? How did it work for you? Let’s talk in the comments!
The Best 31 Days of Your Marriage!
Read a few pages. Do what it says. Have incredible fun!
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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 26 years and happily married for 21! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.Find Sheila Here:YouTube
Sheila's Favorite Posts on To Love, Honor and Vacuum:
10 ways to initiate sex
10 Effects of Porn on Your Brain, Marriage, & Sex Life
Why So Much Marriage Advice is So Trite
How can Sex be Hot and Holy at the Same Time?
Check out some of Sheila's Books:
The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex
31 Days to Great Sex
9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage
To Love, Honor, and Vacuum
Check out Sheila's Courses:
The Boost Your Libido Course
The Whole Story: Talking to Your Daughter about Sex, Puberty, and Growing Up
The FREE Emotional Intimacy E-Course
Are you ready to take your marriage to the next level?
Sign up for our emails and get access to the TLHV free marriage and parenting resource library. We have over 25 downloads and are constantly adding more. Sign up here!
September 26, 2018
Our Submission Series: Do We Know What it Means to Serve our Husbands?
I mean really studied him? Do you know what makes him tick? Do you know what makes him discouraged, and what makes him feel like he can take on the world? Do you know what his biggest fear is, and what his biggest success is? Do you know his dreams, his goals, his worries?
My theme this month for Wednesdays has been looking at what submission in marriage really means. Up until now I’ve looked at what it DOESN’T mean–submission doesn’t mean blind obedience; submission doesn’t mean in the case of ties he wins; it doesn’t mean that we follow our husbands over God. And those who believe these things don’t understand what Jesus says about marriage.
Today I want to wrap up the series with a challenge that I first issued a few years ago, but it summarized everything I’ve been leading up to, so I want to run it again.
Can we become students of our husbands? I don’t mean students in terms of him teaching us something (though that’s likely a part of it); I mean students more in the way that Thomas Edison was a student of science. He ate science, breathed science, lived science, and was always trying to figure it out.
I want to issue a big challenge to us wives: Can we learn how to study our husbands? Let's talk about what it means to truly serve themClick To Tweet
I believe that kind of focused study of our husbands is what God is calling us to.
Let me explain.
In Ephesians 5:21-22, we read this:
(21) Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. (22) Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord.
As I talked about last week, often people begin the passage reading from verse 22, but actually, verse 22 doesn’t make sense in the Greek without verse 21, because the verb “submit” is only in verse 21; it’s not in verse 22. In Greek, verse 22 literally says, “Wives, to your husbands…” That’s a Greek device where it implies the previous verb also applies to this sentence, which means that Paul meant verse 22 as a continuous thought with verse 21, not as two separate thoughts, as modern Bibles often portray it.
So what does this mean for us?
If we are all to submit to one another, then what does wives submitting to husbands look like?Click To Tweet
First, everyone is to submit to one another.
We are all to “put ourselves under” others, “not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.” (Philippians 2:4). We’re to put other people’s needs ahead of our own. We’re to bless others. We’re to love others. We’re to serve others.
Servanthood is to be the hallmark of our lives, just as it was the hallmark of Jesus’ life–“the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve…” (Mark 10:45).
So women submit to men, men submit to women, employees submit to employers, employers submit to employees, neighbours submit to neighbours, because we are all to serve one another and bless one another and look out for their best. That is how we are to treat one another.
That’s why submission in these verses isn’t about decision-making, because then verse 21 would make no sense. Submission is simply about laying down one’s life and serving others–even if there’s nothing simple about that. And that makes submission so much bigger than decision making, because it isn’t something we do on the rare occasion that we actually disagree about something. It’s something we do each and every day, all the time. It’s an attitude of living to bless another. As I shared in 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage, this is actually a much taller order. This is an attitude and a life of service, and it’s beautiful.
Submission is something we do each and every day; all the time. It's an attitude. It's not about letting someone else make a decision; it's choosing to serve as Christ did. Click To Tweet
(Incidentally, I don’t know why people get so upset when I mention that not just wives are asked to submit. Why is that so threatening? Paul asked everyone to submit out of reverence for Christ–out of reverence for what a servant He was, and we are to walk in His steps.)
But wives are also asked to be more specific–to submit to our own husbands
Here’s the thing, though: while we may bless everyone and serve everyone in the abstract, we’re asked specifically to do it for our husbands. So we may be kind to strangers, we may buy coffee for a co-worker, we may listen to a friend as she unburdens to us, but these things are largely done in the moment. God asks us, though, to be intentional about serving our husbands.
You can’t serve everyone in the same way. After all, we have limited energy and limited time. And God isn’t asking us to do everything for everybody. Our attitude towards everyone should be to serve and bless them, yes. But with our husbands–it goes beyond that. With them, we are to be intentional.
To me, that means making a plan. I can get easily get wrapped up in my work or in what I want to accomplish this week. But as I’m looking at my goals for the week, one of the first things I’m trying to train myself to ask is, “how can I be a help to Keith this week?” What does he have on this week that could be a stressor for him, and how can I help to alleviate that? What are his goals for this week–with health, with his spiritual life, with his work life–and how can I be a part of helping him meet those goals?
Even writing this I’m feeling convicted that I don’t know the answers to some of that (I don’t know what he’s trying to accomplish in his work life this week!). And I really should. Because of all people on the face of this earth, the one that I am called first and foremost to serve–before my kids, before any boss, before my parents–is my husband.
Of all people on the face of this earth, the one that I am called first and foremost to serve–before my kids, before any boss, before my parents–is my husband.Click To Tweet
Friendship is not a substitute for serving
I am all for pursuing a friendship with our husbands so that we feel close to them, but sometimes I think that we women aim for friendship, thinking that this is the pinnacle of success in marriage. When we feel close, like we are laughing and doing things together, then everything else is okay.
And certainly friendship should be one of our big aims. We are to keep spending time together and preventing that drift.
But friendship helps us to feel better about the relationship. It isn’t an other-focused thing. It’s absolutely essential, and very good, but it isn’t everything. God also asks us to invest in our husbands’ lives, and to serve them. We could be having fun with our husbands and laughing with our husbands and spending a ton of time with our husbands without actually serving them intentionally.
(Shoot. Now I feel convicted again. I guess that means this must be a good post when it’s going to change how I act towards my husband, too!)
A few years ago I wrote a post about why my husband I grew apart for the previous three years (and I shared this story a lot in 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage). It wasn’t that there was anything wrong with our marriage; it was just that we were both busy, and frequently working in different cities, and we weren’t sharing anything together anymore.
As I think about that time, though, God’s been starting to reveal another layer to it. During those years we still had fun together when we were together (though that wasn’t often enough). But the big thing was that we were leading separate lives.My emotional energy was being poured into my daughters and my work, and his into his work, and I wasn’t serving him. I wasn’t intentionally thinking about what he needed from me. We were still friends, but I wasn’t being proactive.
When we’re proactive, we pay attention to what’s happening in his life. More importantly, perhaps, we ask God to show us what He is doing in our husband’s life so that we can participate. We get excited about the things that excite him. We think about ways to bless him. We plan how to help him reach his goals.
If we aren’t intentional about how we can bless our husbands, then I think we’re missing out on God’s command to submit to our husbands.
If we aren’t intentional about how we can bless our husbands, then I think we’re missing out on God’s command to submit to our husbands.Click To Tweet
This is the big thing in marriage that God asks us to do: to be intentional about serving our husbands. We’re to be our husband’s biggest cheerleaders, and the “suitable helper”, or “necessary ally”, to come alongside him and help him. We can’t do that if we only get around to thinking about him once the kids are asleep and the dishes are done. We can only do that when he is the primary person we think about and pay attention to.
And that means getting our eyes off of ourselves and our own hurts (without enabling abuse, of course), and thinking about him. In doing so, we change the dynamic of the marriage and make it far more likely that we’ll feel close.
So let me ask you today: how have you been more intentional about serving your husband? What practical tips can you give us? Let’s help each other in the comments to live this out!
More in our Submission Series:Submission and Sarah: What does it mean to obey like Sarah did?
Jesus’ View of Marriage and Submission: What does Jesus think of people who value marriage above all?
Does Submission Mean “In the Case of Ties, He Wins?”
Your Husband is Not Jesus
What Submission Really Means: My Challenge for You (this post)
And check out 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage–which has all of this and more in it about submission! If you’ve enjoyed this series, and want to go deeper beyond pat answers and into what living for Christ and serving radically for Christ looks like, then 9 Thoughts can help.
Thank You to Our Sponsor, Ultimate Intimacy App
I just want to say a big thank you to our sponsor, Ultimate Intimacy App, whose founders are such a big supporter of this blog. I absolutely LOVE having a sponsor that I can get behind 110%–because they created the app that I’ve always wanted to create! It’s such a great boost to your sex life. It has this awesome game that will make sex more fun. It has an encyclopedia of sexual positions so that you can have it choose a few for you to try, or you can search for some using different criteria. And it has lots of great resources to help YOU make sex awesome.
Part of serving your husband, I believe, is dedicating yourself to becoming enthusiastic about sex. And I really think this game makes that easier. The Ultimate Intimacy app has such a strong component of growing your emotional intimacy, too, with conversation starters, romantic prompts, and more. The free version is fun, but with the paid version (which is still under $10), the game really opens up, and you get access to so much more.
Read my whole review of it here, or check it out on iTunes or Google Play!
Author
Social Media
Sheila's Best Posts
Books
Courses
Freebie
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 26 years and happily married for 21! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.Find Sheila Here:YouTube
Sheila's Favorite Posts on To Love, Honor and Vacuum:
10 ways to initiate sex
10 Effects of Porn on Your Brain, Marriage, & Sex Life
Why So Much Marriage Advice is So Trite
How can Sex be Hot and Holy at the Same Time?
Check out some of Sheila's Books:
The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex
31 Days to Great Sex
9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage
To Love, Honor, and Vacuum
Check out Sheila's Courses:
The Boost Your Libido Course
The Whole Story: Talking to Your Daughter about Sex, Puberty, and Growing Up
The FREE Emotional Intimacy E-Course
Are you ready to take your marriage to the next level?
Sign up for our emails and get access to the TLHV free marriage and parenting resource library. We have over 25 downloads and are constantly adding more. Sign up here!
September 25, 2018
10 Must-Dos to Give You More Energy (for Romance!) at the End of the Day
Two weeks ago when I was giving my Girl Talk in western Ontario, I had an anonymous Q&A session when women could ask questions about sex. And each time I do the event, I always get very similar questions. And TONS of them relate to “how can I want sex if I’m just so tired all the time?” I’ve tackled being too exhausted for sex recently, but I thought I’d return to it since it’s such a common question with a more practical response (rather than just some tough love!)
So today I’m going to give you a bit of a pep talk–and 10 great ideas! But first, let’s go back to basics. God designed you to be married (and He designed women to be able to manage motherhood). He also designed you to have a GREAT marriage, which includes regular sex. I know we live in a very difficult, busy culture, but the fact remains–this should not be impossible. Having energy for sex SHOULD be something that we can figure out!
And energy for sex, I think, comes in two forms: mental and physical.
The more mental energy you have to spend on tiny “emergencies” that come up through the day–what am I going to make for dinner? Where did I put my car keys? What time is that doctor’s appointment again?–the more we’re going to feel tired because we feel as if there are all of these details we have to keep straight in our head or the whole world is coming tumbling down. Those are the days when we feel as if we’re moving at 120% all day, but then you look back and you wonder what you got done at all. It’s depressing.
That’s where organization can help. If you’re organized, you don’t have to waste mental energy on little things, and you can spend the time thinking about important things–or just breathing and enjoying life around you.
Sometimes, too, we feel chronically tired because we don’t take care of our bodies, or we don’t get enough sleep. You feel like you spend your life dragging. Combine that with putting out “little emergencies”, and you have a recipe for true exhaustion at night!
So that’s the goal for today’s post–how to get more physical energy, but also how to reduce those stressful “tiny emergencies” that leave us feeling worn out! The best strategy to make this post work for you is to pick 2 or maybe 3 tasks that you’re changes that you’re going to implement–the 2 or 3 that would make the most difference NOW. Don’t try to change everything; pick a few and make real changes instead.
And thank you to my Facebook readers who answered my question about how to defeat exhaustion! Lots of other great thoughts there–and I’ve included some of their answers here, too.
Here we go!
How to Get More Physical Energy for Sex
1. Go to Bed at a Decent Time
It used to be that adults had a bedtime, too. Now most couples don’t go to bed together, and they stay up on video games, the internet, or another screen until they fall asleep. When you use a screen at night, your sleep is poor. And if you’re waiting to go to bed until you’re drifting off, of course you’ll be tired! If you need eight hours of sleep, calculate backwards 8 1/2 hours from when you get up. That gives you time to relax, be romantic, and drift off. And then go to bed!
2. Teach your kids to sleep
We love our kids. We don’t want them to cry. We want to comfort them. But here’s the thing: you can actually TRAIN your children to need you to go to sleep. Teaching a child to sleep on their own is a tremendous gift. It means when they’re tired, they can drift off. They don’t need something else (which is stressful!). I see so many parents who go through long routines with toddlers and elementary aged kids who just refuse to go to bed at night, and that completely wears out a mom. And kids who get up in the middle of the night? You need your sleep, too!
So a few quick things: kids sleep better at night if there are schedules during the day. Have small kids nap at the same time. Have them eat at the same time. Snacking throughout the day doesn’t lend itself to as good a sleep as eating good meals with some healthy snacks during the day. And a good bedtime routine, where you have a relaxing warm bath, read stories, cuddle, kiss, and sing, helps kids quiet down, relax, and get ready to drift off. If your kids aren’t sleeping well, talk to a mom who is about 10 years older than you who has kids who slept–and asked how she did it. Most moms who have kids who sleep would love to help impart their knowledge–because watching kids not sleep and watching moms get so warn out is so discouraging, when you know that sleep is possible!
3. Eat well–and that means healthy meals.
If you put junk into your body, your body won’t rest well. When we made the switch to eating real food (which simply means good food that you cook at home, rather than packaged food), we felt better, and I went from needing 9 hours of sleep at night to needing about 7 1/2–and still feeling rested!
If you don’t know where to start, take a look at the AWESOME Ultimate Healthy Meal Planning Bundle. It’s on a flash sale today only, and it’s got a ton of great resources both for meal planning–including planning in general, freezer cooking, batch cooking, and slow cooker cooking–but also how to cook healthy in the first place.
4. Go outside during the day
I went for a walk in the woods near our house this weekend!
I find getting outdoors helps me feel invigorated. So I try to have a walk everyday–and I’m Canadian! I do it even in the winter, even if it’s just going around the block. Fresh air helps the energy levels! (And going for a walk together after dinner helps you talk more, too!)
5. Drink water
It’s such a little thing–but do we do it? One woman said,
I need to drink enough water throughout the day. If I’m dehydrated I’m tired and irritable.
Yep. Me too. And if I get a headache, 9 times out of 10 it’s because I haven’t had enough to drink that day. I find I’m worse when I’m outside of the house during the day, too. So buy great water bottles to take with you everywhere you go! It’s a little thing, but it matters.
10 Super Practical Tips to give you more energy at the end of the day--because you need your marriage, too! Click To Tweet
How to Get More Mental Energy for Sex
6. Know what you’re going to have for dinner the night before
Avoid those big “tiny emergencies” by having a plan. It doesn’t take much. And going through recipes and finding a new meal planning routine can be fun! Check out the Healthy Meal Planning Bundle for some awesome resources and ideas.
7. Do your “end of day” things before the “end of day”!
Here’s a great tip from someone on Facebook:
Try to get your ‘end of the day’ work done early. If I wait until the kids are in bed to clean up after dinner, make lunches, etc. I am too exhausted. But if I can keep on top off these throughout the day, I have much more energy for extra curricular activities.
Great thoughts! Another way of thinking about this is “only touch each thing once”. Instead of carrying a dirty dish to the counter and leaving it there, and then having to go back to that dish later, put it in the dishwasher right away, or wash the dishes right away. It doesn’t take that long, and if you do it earlier, then you can start to relax and unwind before bed, rather than needing a burst of energy to do things that you don’t really want to do anyway.
8. Take some breaks
There’s nothing more exhausting than being on the go all day, even if it’s just with little things. A number of Facebook readers mentioned the importance of breaks;
If I’ve got a full day going, I try and intentionally take a few five minute breaks throughout the day. Whether reading a couple pages of a book or doing a couple rows of knitting, it’s amazing how a small, quick activity just for you can give you a ton of extra energy!
Another woman wrote:
Try short do-absolutely-nothing breaks. It’s how I survived film school. I would go to my room, set my alarm for 10 or 15 minutes, lay on my bed and do absolutely nothing. Try to not even think. The alarm is so I didn’t even have to keep track of time. I found even this short break would give me the energy I needed for the rest of the day.
9. Limit Screen Time
If I spend a lot of time in front of a computer screen or on my phone, it feels like it zaps my energy level. And so many TV shows are depressing, anyway! Try not to watch screens right before bed. Play a board game as a couple instead! And doing more things that feed your soul and give you energy (like hobbies, devotions, talking) rather than just vegging in front of a screen helps you have more energy.
10. Lower Your Expectations About What Needs to Get Done
Finally, I want to end with this SUPER comment left by a Facebook reader. She writes:
Lower your expectations on what you feel you HAVE to do, HAVE to get done! If you are saying “no” to the time it takes for sex, it’s because you took the time to say “yes” to something else…was that something else worth it? That’s been a long time lesson learned for me, especially when my kids were younger and more physically exhausting to take care of. But I realized I didn’t want to say yes to a clean home if it meant later having to say no to time with my husband. So my house didn’t stay as clean…dishes didn’t always get done right after a meal – in fact, sometimes they got done while I was making the next meal.
