Sheila Wray Gregoire's Blog, page 94
December 5, 2018
Why We Need Boundaries: Recognizing When You Just Can’t Change Things
I like to dedicate the Wednesdays in a month to a particular theme, and this month I wanted to talk about boundaries with family members–including some with your spouse. And I had this great post all planned out to go out today.
But then I hit a huge snag. And I’d like to tell you about it, because it taught me a good lesson, too. Besides, it’s a good story.
A few months ago my husband and my mom and I decided that we’d really like to travel to Costa Rica. Mom had done some mission trips there in the early 2000s, and really wanted to see the country with us. And my husband was all on board because he’s a huge birdwatcher, and the birds are incredible there. My mom’s 75, but she’s in amazing shape (it’s kind of pathetic, actually. She gets less winded walking up hills than I do). So we’ve decided that we’re going to do a lot of trips in the next little while, while she’s still active. (That sounds way more morbid than I meant it to).
We saved up some credit card points, booked our flights, and headed down for 8 days.
We had an amazing time, and I want to make it clear that the story that I have to tell should in no way reflect badly on Costa Rica. I honestly think Costa Rica is the best country we’ve ever vacationed in. In many ways it’s perfect. It’s not really third world at all; there’s a thriving middle class. The country is actually getting better. The roads are better. The schools are amazing. They’re doing everything they can to preserve the environment. The people are friendly. And the prices are still relatively low.
Plus there are sloths. We saw sloths! Not in a zoo. And we saw so many birds!
I’m not going to post the pictures, but Keith has a ton on his Flickr account. You can see monkeys and crocs and lots of birds (and me) here.
Anyway, it was probably the best trip I’ve had south. I’m not a sit-on-the-beach kind of gal. I’d rather do things. And all the nature trails in the rainforest at one of our resorts just made the place a paradise.
I highly, highly recommend this little nation.
And the way that they’re preserving the rainforest is just great. (by the way, I’m now dedicated to buying organic bananas and pineapple, when I never was before. That’s what’s killing the rainforest).
Anyway, all was well until it was time to return home with Air Canada.
We were supposed to depart Monday morning at 9:20 am. At 4 am my husband got a text that the flight was delayed 8 hours, so we stayed in our hotel for the morning and headed to the airport about 2. Soon the flight was delayed another two hours. Then another. They obviously had no idea what was going on.
It turns out it was due to “weather conditions”–you know, that weather when the sky is sunny with a lovely breeze. Planes were landing and taking off all around us, but Air Canada had diverted the night before because of fog, and was trying to bring their plane back to San Jose, and kept circling, but didn’t land.
They gave us vouchers for dinner (at one of two restaurants in the airport; there were 300 of us to line up in single lines at two fast food restaurants). They wouldn’t tell us anything. And finally, at around 8:00, Air Canada texted everyone to say the flight was cancelled. The crew on the ground then scrambled to figure out what to do with us. They rented huge buses to take us to hotels. They had the families with kids or people over 65 go on the first bus (thank you, Mom, for being a senior citizen!), and everyone else took later buses.
All the buses went to one hotel, where there were two agents to check us in. Each bus took about an hour to process. We got our room at 9:15. Apparently some people didn’t get theirs until 1. They were standing in line at the hotel until 1 in the morning when the flight had been cancelled at 8. And many of them had been at the airport since 6 that morning, since they hadn’t received the text that the flight was delayed beforehand.
They gave us coupons to eat breakfast at Denny’s, which was 24 hours and attached to the hotel. And then announced that the shuttle would pick us up at 6:45 am to take us to the airport for the 10:45 flight.
(Our bus wasn’t actually informed of the shuttle time. We were told “it might be 7 or 8”. So we came down at 6:20 and found that most people had already eaten. We thought we’d be early, and instead we were the last on the buses after going to Denny’s. They told us they would notify us of the shuttle time; they didn’t. Some people had to be woken up.)
All 300 of us got to the airport at roughly the same time, and had to wait in this massive line at the airport.
It was all just so very frustrating. There was no reason that Air Canada couldn’t have sent us to four different hotels to make check in much faster. There was no reason that they couldn’t have sent buses at staggered times, so that those who got their rooms at 1 didn’t have to leave their hotel until 8:30. Seriously, we all just stood in line at the airport for 2 1/2 hours, because we all got there at exactly the same time. It made no sense. It was easier on them, but much harder on us.
One family was travelling with an 18-month-old and a 3-year-old, and my mom made friends with the 3-year-old and occupied her during many of the waiting periods. In fact, we really bonded with many of the travellers.
But it was still very, very tiring. The most aggravating thing was that Air Canada wasn’t up front with us all day on Monday. They kept saying, “the plane will be landing in 20 minutes,” but the plane never materialized. And at a certain point it was clear they’d have to cancel the flight anyway, because the pilot can’t fly for that many hours in a row and would have to take an 8 hour break. They should have told us. They were obviously trying to prevent a riot, but it would have been much better just to be honest.
I truly hate Air Canada at this point. We had a horrible experience with them flying to Nairobi in August for our missions trip. The flight itself was fine; checking in took 6 hours, and it was entirely the fault of how the employees were organizing the airport. It was ridiculous. If I can avoid Air Canada in the future, I definitely will. Their employees do not use common sense or go above and beyond.
And that really brings me to what I want to say today.
Many times on my trip I had to keep repeating to myself, “this is not my issue.” Whenever I see something that is a problem, I automatically try to fix it. On the trip it usually was nothing major, and I just had to train myself to not get involved. But in this whole airline fiasco, what was really grating is that they were making things worse, and it was so obvious how it could be done better.
It was obvious how the check in at the hotel could have been done better. It was obvious how they could have arranged us for shuttles better. Yesterday, at the airport, it was obvious how they could have processed us more quickly. And I just wanted to go and try to organize things myself. But that wouldn’t have worked.
Sometimes you have to endure things because, even though it is clear to you that others are being stupid, there is absolutely nothing you can do to change things.
I had to decide that instead of stewing (done that) or standing up on a chair in an airport and leading a revolt (did that in Nairobi back in 2006; it worked too); or demanding certain things of airlines (done that plenty of times); I was just going to relax as much as possible and talk to those around me in line. So we got to know the couple heading back to Newfoundland; the couple who had a guest home in Costa Rica; the man whose son had been treated for a brain tumour at a Toronto hospital when Keith was working there; this family with the two kids. We just got through it.
At Christmas you will likely encounter some family members who are doing really stupid things. It will be obvious to you how they should change to make their lives work better. The younger brother who just needs to stop playing video games and get a job. The sister who needs to stop dating jerks–or break up with the one she’s with. The mother who needs to grow a spine–or maybe the mother who needs to start being nicer because she’s pushing all her grandchildren away. And so on and so on and so on.
Sometimes people make stupid choices.
But when we carry the weight of other people’s choices, we don’t change anything.
We just add to our own burdens when there’s nothing that we can do.
I have a family member that I love dearly who has made some poor choices. I so want this person to thrive in life, but that doesn’t seem to be happening. I keep texting and reaching out. I want this person to know that they are loved. But I can no longer obsess over it, because it isn’t good for my mental health. I can pray and I can love, but I can’t change anything.
God put in us a deep desire to see justice done.
He created us with a purpose, to have a life where we make a difference, use our gifts, and learn to love.
Micah 6:8
He has shown you, O mortal, what is good.
And what does the Lord require of you?
To act justly and to love mercy
and to walk humbly with your God.
We were created to act justly. When we get frustrated at Air Canada for not being upfront and for creating problems for people (seriously, how could they have let older people stand in line for four hours until early morning, and then another 3 at the airport)? That isn’t part of justice. That isn’t part of how the world is supposed to work. When we see it as wrong, it’s because we do reflect God’s values.
But it’s what we do with that information afterwards that counts. Sometimes things are bad, but we can’t do anything. And then it’s time to just relax, talk to those around you, and love those you can. That’s what Jesus did. He didn’t try to overthrow the Roman government, even though it was wrong. He just made a difference–a huge one–by loving those around Him, and by letting God’s will be done in His death.
I actually didn’t have all that bad a day at the airport on Monday and yesterday. I knit. I read some books. I got to know some good people. And it was okay.
Let’s talk this month about how to let go when you can’t change things. And maybe I’ll write that epic post that was supposed to be published today soon!
What do you think? Have you ever been in a frustrating situation that you can’t change? How do you step back? Let’s talk in the comments!
P.S.: Don’t fly Air Canada!
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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 26 years and happily married for 21! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.Find Sheila Here:YouTube
Sheila's Favorite Posts on To Love, Honor and Vacuum:
10 ways to initiate sex
10 Effects of Porn on Your Brain, Marriage, & Sex Life
Why So Much Marriage Advice is So Trite
How can Sex be Hot and Holy at the Same Time?
Check out some of Sheila's Books:
The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex
31 Days to Great Sex
9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage
To Love, Honor, and Vacuum
Check out Sheila's Courses:
The Boost Your Libido Course
The Whole Story: Talking to Your Daughter about Sex, Puberty, and Growing Up
The FREE Emotional Intimacy E-Course
Are you ready to take your marriage to the next level?
Sign up for our emails and get access to the TLHV free marriage and parenting resource library. We have over 25 downloads and are constantly adding more. Sign up here!
December 4, 2018
10 Things You Must Bookmark This Christmas
And I’ve written a ton about Christmas on the blog.
Today, as we’re gearing up for Christmas, I thought I’d share 10 of the most important Christmas posts that you’ll want to bookmark to return to over this month! Some are gift guides; some are tradition ideas; and some will help you navigate difficult family relationships this time of year!
I’m just getting back from a vacation to Costa Rica today, and so we’re finally going to switch gears and start thinking about Christmas (and Keith may even get the lights up!). So today seemed like a good day to transition to Christmas on the blog, too!
(Don’t know how to bookmark a website? There’s often a star next to the bar with the website’s URL you can click, or you can click D while holding down the ctrl key [or command, if you’re a mac user]).
1. Sexy stocking stuffers
I’m trying to keep this post family friendly… but that isn’t to say all of your stocking stuffers should be! I’ve collected a bunch of great ideas to spice things up and to make your husband feel legendary (as one of the gift ideas points out). Read the post!
2. Stocking Stuffers for Your Husband: 34 Out-of-the-Box Ideas!
Gift giving is tricky, especially for guys. I put together a list of stocking stuffers that included items I saw from amazon purchases through our affiliate links. From bacon flavoured salt to a credit card sized tool (9 tools? Fits in your wallet? So cool!) this list has it all.
Looking for some great Christmas tips, tricks, and advice for handling difficult situations around the holidays? Here are 10 must-read Christmas blog posts:Click To Tweet
3. 20 2 Player Board Games
Looking for a gift for your spouse? A board game to play in the cold dark winter nights after the kids are to bed (or just with a cup of tea, if you’re like us and don’t have kids at home!) I put together a list of all of our favorite games a few years ago, and then updated it last year with a bunch of new games! We play board games together as a Boxing Day tradition (December 26 for those of you not in the Commonwealth). It’s a really fun, inexpensive thing to do together. And getting new games as Christmas gifts is a really fun way to set up board gaming fun for the whole new year. Get some ideas!
4. Talk about your Christmas Expectations Now!
This one’s an oldy but a goody. Christmas is a wonderful season, but each of us has our own preferences for the holidays. Do we do what we did as kids or create new traditions? How should we give gifts as a couple? To Christmas card or not to Christmas card? Travelling? If so, where? It’s enough to cause myriad “discussions” between spouses. My biggest pieces of advice: find ways to keep stress out of Christmas and to discuss things ahead of time so that your expectations are set. Get started!
5. Creating Christmas Traditions when you don’t have Kids
Christmas traditions often grow with our families – but what if you don’t have kids? I know we often make Christmas about the magic of Christmas morning, preschoolers doing pageants, and handmade ornaments, and all of those things are important. But (obviously) Christmas is about the “long expected Jesus, born to set thy people free.” We can develop special ways to celebrate the incarnation without kids. And, honestly, I think having special ways to celebrate is really important, no matter what season you’re in. I asked readers for ideas and we came up with a really fun list of traditions to try. Read the post!
6. 10 Ways to Laugh with Extended Family this Christmas
For many of us, the holidays are our one family reunion of the year. This makes our time together incredibly important… but it can also make connecting hard, because there often just aren’t natural conversations to have. I implemented charades at a family Christmas a few years ago and it really helped us to connect and laugh together. One of the families featured in Becca’s book has a tradition where they run around the house in their bare feet through the snow every Christmas and then play a guessing game. Coming up with your family’s preferred shenanigan method can be a huge facilitator of meaningful connection and memory making. Get some ideas for fun family gatherings here!
Christmas is just around the corner, so here are 10 great Christmas blog posts!Click To Tweet
7. 10 Ways to Enjoy DIFFICULT Christmas Dinners with Family
What do you do with uncouth relatives during the holidays – swearing around children and excessive drinking – but not abusive relatives? And what about when you’ve got kids? Taking them in small doses can help, but honestly, people swearing in your presence isn’t abuse, nor is their getting drunk around you. Being family and loving them despite their faults can help build bridges. I included some really helpful ways to protect kids while being a part of the festivities. I ended with this: “Jesus ate with sinners, which means He ate with people who normally made lewd jokes, who swore a lot, and who drank too much. But those people were comfortable with him. And I think it’s because he saw through the false bravado and just talked to them like people. This Christmas, can we do the same thing?” Read the post!
8. Do I HAVE to See my In-Laws this Christmas?
So what are you supposed to do when relatives have behavior that veers from uncomfortable or distasteful to abusive or dangerous? You set boundaries – be that leaving if X happens, or not going at all until Y changes, or whatever boundary is appropriate for the moment. But here’s the deal: you also have to do the hard thing and say why you aren’t participating. I think this is a really important message if your family is manipulative, bullying, or abusive. Read the post!
9. How do I Handle Christmas when Some Family Members Won’t Talk to Me?
A reader wrote in wondering how to manage the holidays despite being, understandably, estranged from her mother. Her siblings are okay going with her mom and so she is totally left out of the festivities. It’s a really hard situation and I honestly finished the post struggling – there aren’t easy answers, quick solutions, or magic bullets. It’s just hard. But I did do a lot of reflecting about the fact that her siblings have not stood in the gap for her: in dysfunctional families, loyalty matters more than truth. Read the post here!
10. 10 Things I Can’t Live Without at Christmas
After all that heaviness, I want to round out this round up with a few of my favorite things at Christmas. I don’t know about you, but we’ve slowly accumulated holiday traditions over the years. Some are reflective… and others involve silent monks “signing” the Hallelujah chorus. I wrote this post in the run up to Connor’s first Christmas as a part of the family and I’m so excited to enjoy David’s first holiday as a son in law… and I hope he enjoys our annual rendition of “The Best Christmas Pageant Ever.” Read the list!
What are some of your favourite Christmas tips? What is a favourite tradition of yours? Let’s chat about it in the comments below!
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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 26 years and happily married for 21! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.Find Sheila Here:YouTube
Sheila's Favorite Posts on To Love, Honor and Vacuum:
10 ways to initiate sex
10 Effects of Porn on Your Brain, Marriage, & Sex Life
Why So Much Marriage Advice is So Trite
How can Sex be Hot and Holy at the Same Time?
Check out some of Sheila's Books:
The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex
31 Days to Great Sex
9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage
To Love, Honor, and Vacuum
Check out Sheila's Courses:
The Boost Your Libido Course
The Whole Story: Talking to Your Daughter about Sex, Puberty, and Growing Up
The FREE Emotional Intimacy E-Course
Are you ready to take your marriage to the next level?
Sign up for our emails and get access to the TLHV free marriage and parenting resource library. We have over 25 downloads and are constantly adding more. Sign up here!
December 3, 2018
Ask Sheila: My Friend Insults Her Husband in Public!
On Mondays I like to take a reader question and take a stab at answering it–sometimes in a blog post and sometimes in a video. This was a great question that fits perfectly in our month on boundaries, and so Rebecca and I discussed it in this week’s Ask Sheila video (and, yes, we filmed this one before I got my hair cut, for those of you who follow me on social media and have seen the new me!)
A reader asks:
Reader Question
My husband and I have another couple we are really good friends with. At least once, or more, when we hang out with them, the wife cuts her husband down. And it can be brutal, or subtle, but she makes at least 1 or more comments to tear her husband down. You’ve mentioned this type of situation, I think, but I seriously do not know if I should say something, or not say anything. I don’t know if I should keep my mouth shut, or point out how mean she is. The other thing is, my husband is best friends with her husband, and I am not as close to her, simply because of her crabby and mean attitude. It just kinda pains me to see her constantly hitting him with these barbs. But I don’t know that it will do any good to address the situation.
Here’s how we answered her:
A few quick points, for those who don’t want to watch the whole video.
Speak up when you hear something.
Don’t mention it afterwards, when you’re one on one. You’ll get into a debate about whether or not she actually said that. Say something right then and there! (This works for pretty much any relationship).
Just parrot back what she said.
You don’t even need to call her out specifically for being mean. You can just parrot back what she said. “Are you saying your husband is completely careless? Do you really think your husband is that idiotic?”
As you do this, you also set an example for the spouse to start speaking up, too.
Support the spouse who is being insulted
It’s important for same sex friends to come alongside someone who is being berated by a spouse and just be told, “what you are experiencing is wrong.” They may not realize it, and they may feel really beaten down by it. To have you say, “Yeah, that’s really not right” may give them the courage to speak up.
I hope that helps! But now let’s talk in the comments:
Have you ever been out with a couple where one spouse criticizes the other? What did you do? What did you wish you had done?
Author
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Sheila's Best Posts
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Freebie
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 26 years and happily married for 21! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.Find Sheila Here:YouTube
Sheila's Favorite Posts on To Love, Honor and Vacuum:
10 ways to initiate sex
10 Effects of Porn on Your Brain, Marriage, & Sex Life
Why So Much Marriage Advice is So Trite
How can Sex be Hot and Holy at the Same Time?
Check out some of Sheila's Books:
The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex
31 Days to Great Sex
9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage
To Love, Honor, and Vacuum
Check out Sheila's Courses:
The Boost Your Libido Course
The Whole Story: Talking to Your Daughter about Sex, Puberty, and Growing Up
The FREE Emotional Intimacy E-Course
Are you ready to take your marriage to the next level?
Sign up for our emails and get access to the TLHV free marriage and parenting resource library. We have over 25 downloads and are constantly adding more. Sign up here!
November 30, 2018
Intimacy Before Marriage: It’s More Than Just Sex!
I’ve written at length on the blog about why we should wait until marriage for sex, and why God made sex just for marriage.
But sometimes I fear that in all of our talk about saving sex for marriage we forget that the biggest sexual temptation isn’t always a physical one. Intimacy before marriage isn’t only about sex.
And so I thought today I’d share the BIG ISSUE that often causes couples to fall in the area of sexual temptation.
Here’s the scenario: a couple decides they want to wait until marriage to have sex. Yay! That’s all very good. And so they sit down and they talk a lot about boundaries. Will we kiss? If so, for how long? 10 seconds? 15 seconds? Can we kiss on the neck, too? What about hands? Where can they go? Just on the back? Nothing under clothes? Can we ever lie down together? Can we snuggle on a couch together? Etc. etc. etc.
I’ve read Christian books that talk at length about which of these boundaries you should have. As a teen, I sat through talks that laid out extremely specific boundaries that couples should adopt (right down to how many seconds you can kiss, as if we’re holding a kitchen timer or something).
We add rules upon rules to what we’re going to do physically–as if that should be our primary focus about intimacy before marriage.
And that’s where we make what can potentially be a big mistake.
When I wrote The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex (an awesome book for every wife, but ESPECIALLY for those about to get married!), I divided the book into three main sections: how sex works physically, emotionally, AND spiritually. All three go into having a great sex life. And, in fact, all three are highly related to our libidos. Like I shared in the book, the times when I feel most like jumping my husband are the times when I hear him pray out loud for our girls. Hearing his heart for our children, whom I love very much, and going before God together, is seriously sexy.
We tend to think about intimacy before marriage in these terms:
Physical Intimacy = Bad
Emotional Intimacy = Good
Spiritual Intimacy = Very Good!
What are we doing here? First, we’re portraying physical intimacy as a bad thing–it’s dangerous!–which often does a real number on women once they’re married, because it’s hard to flip that switch once you are married and start to see sex as a good thing.
But we’re also turning sex into entirely a physical thing, and forgetting that it is so much more than that.
We’re actually cheapening sex.
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with praying together before you’re married. In fact, I think it’s a very good thing! We need to know that we can pray together and have a spiritual life together.
But here’s the thing we also have to know:
It is precisely WHEN we are praying together that we are most likely to fall sexually. It is WHEN we are spiritually and emotionally close that we are most likely to experience real sexual temptation.
And all of this applies especially to girls.
Many girls can “turn off” the sexual cues they get when they’re kissing, and can resist. We know that we’re not going to have sex before we’re married, we decide that in our heads, and we don’t let it go too far.
But when you’re praying together and feeling close, all of a sudden those sexual feelings will come on, full blast, when you didn’t really expect them. And if you, as a “good Christian girl”, have drawn up all of these physical boundaries, and have been concentrating on spiritual and emotional intimacy, you may be very surprised when all of a sudden you find yourself in a compromising situation you never dreamed of.
So what am I saying? That we shouldn’t be emotionally or spiritually close?
No, I’m not saying that. Here’s what I’m saying:
Intimacy is a wonderful thing, and intimacy in its fullness is meant to be experienced only in marriage.
It is wonderful to start to feel intimate before you’re married. But be aware that sexual temptation is often far more tied up in emotional and spiritual intimacy than it is in sexually “fooling around”. If you draw all kinds of lines that you “will not cross” physically, but fail to talk about what’s going to happen when you’re praying together or sharing deep memories or crying together and all of a sudden you feel tremendously drawn to each other, you’re likely setting yourself up for a fall.
Certainly talk about what you want to do physically, but I think a better conversation to have is this one: we are going to feel really drawn to each other the closer we get–closer in every way, not just physically. So let’s just set some boundaries like we won’t be in each other’s rooms late at night, or we’ll try not to hang out in an empty house too much, or we’ll have a friend that we text constantly for accountability.
The root of temptation is often not sexual, and if we make everything into something physical, we set ourselves up for inadvertent failure (and a whole lot of shame), and we also don’t present the full picture of who we are sexually.
Does that make sense? Let me know in the comments if this is something that you experienced when you were dating/engaged. When did you feel closest? How did you handle boundaries?
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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 26 years and happily married for 21! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
Find Sheila Here:
Facebook
Twitter
Instagram
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Pinterest
Sheila's Favorite Posts on To Love, Honor and Vacuum:
10 ways to initiate sex
10 Effects of Porn on Your Brain, Marriage, & Sex Life
Why So Much Marriage Advice is So Trite
How can Sex be Hot and Holy at the Same Time?
Check out some of Sheila's Books:
The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex
31 Days to Great Sex
9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage
To Love, Honor, and Vacuum
Check out Sheila's Courses:
The Boost Your Libido Course
The Whole Story: Talking to Your Daughter about Sex, Puberty, and Growing Up
The FREE Emotional Intimacy E-Course
Are you ready to take your marriage to the next level?
Sign up for our emails and get access to the TLHV free marriage and parenting resource library. We have over 25 downloads and are constantly adding more. Sign up here!
Like this post so far? You should also check out:
Should it be a Struggle to Not Have Sex Before You’re Married?
How Can Singles Best Prepare for Sex in Marriage?
Why You Should Wait for Marriage to Have Sex
How to Prepare for Marriage–Not Just for the Wedding
November 29, 2018
Hive: My New Favourite 2 Player Board Game!
In my continuing quest to help couples just have fun and CHILL together, I want to tell you about our newest favourite 2-player board game.
With thanks to Gen 42 Games for sponsoring this post!
A few years ago I wrote a post on 20 awesome two-player games you can play as a couple, and that post has consistently been one of my top traffic generators. But what’s cool is that I can track my Amazon links from that post and see what people are buying (okay, that sounds mildly creepy. But I don’t see any INDIVIDUAL information, so don’t worry!).
Anyway, one day I took a gander and saw that a ton of people were buying something called Hive. (They followed my links to buy another game, but then bought this, too). I’d never heard of it. But every Christmas I buy new games for the family, so I bought this one for Keith and me, since we were recent empty nesters and I was looking for more two-player games. And it had won so many awards, and was so highly rated, I was intrigued.
We really enjoy it! It’s kind of like chess, except it’s WAY easier to learn, and each game takes maybe 10 minutes. So we often play “best 2 out of 3” or “best 3 out of 5”, and that way it’s likely that each of us will win at least ONE game.
It’s also highly portable, so we sometimes take it down to our local pub for a game night date. We play a game while we’re waiting for the food, and then two games after, which is exactly what we did last week. And I’ll show you pics to explain all about it!
In the basic Hive game, you have 5 types of pieces:
Queen Bee, who can move one space;
A Bettle, who can move one space, but who can ALSO climb on top of other pieces
A Spider, who can move exactly three;
A grasshopper, who can jump over any number of pieces in a straight line;
And an ant, who can travel around the outside of the hive and go anywhere.
The Rules to Hive are quite simple.
To win, your opponent’s queen must be fully surrounded (by you or by a combination of your pieces and the opponent’s pieces)
The Hive must stay together. You can’t pull out a piece that would separate the Hive into two distinct hives.
Each turn, you can either lay a piece or move a piece.
You can only lay down a piece so that it’s touching your own colour, not any of your opponent’s pieces
That’s all there is to it!
When we first played it, all we did was try to surround the other person’s queen. Now we’ve realized there’s a balance between trying to surround the queen, and trying to make sure that the other person can’t move well.
I’ll show you from some games we played. We went to the pub, and I was so afraid that Keith was going to win all three games we played, because I knew that you all wouldn’t want to buy a game if your husband always won. 
November 28, 2018
When Your Spouse Doesn’t Connect with God the Same Way You Do
You’ve tried doing Bible studies together, joined small groups, you volunteer together, and although you are glad you did all of those it didn’t help bring you to that place of true intimacy. Something’s missing–what do you do?
It’s Rebecca on the blog today, since Sheila’s away on vacation. I wanted to tackle this issue of spiritual intimacy to close off our month talking about intimacy in marriage for this reason: I believe it is one of the most important forms of intimacy you can have with your spouse, but so often it is also the most overlooked or misunderstood.
There are two major roadblocks many couples face when it comes to spiritual intimacy: a lack of clarity on your own individual spirituality and the desire to mold your spouse into what you consider “acceptable” spiritual practice.
Let’s take a look at that first one.
When your personal spiritual journey seems foggy
Spiritual intimacy sounds great–truly reveling in God’s love and majesty together. But that can seem far-fetched and a bit superfluous when you consider that one of the main questions on many Christians’ hearts is, “Why don’t I feel close to God?”
How are you supposed to have spiritual intimacy together when you can’t even find it for yourself?
To fix the problem, a lot of the time the church gives instructions on how to nourish your spiritual life–often in the forms of more devotionals, prayer challenges, and small groups. But the problem is that a lot of people leave these things and although they feel like they have more head knowledge, it’s difficult for them to feel connected with that truly deep spiritual intimacy.
The reality is, all of these things are important and all of them work–but that doesn’t mean they all have to work the same way for all people.
Reading scripture is important. Some people find reading scripture to be an intimate experience. Others feel it’s more like homework, or their daily workout that they believe is important and cherished, but doesn’t offer that same connection. And so they leave feeling empty, and confused as to why they can’t seem to get it right.
The problem with the way that disciplines are being taught is that they are being prescribed the exact same way to everyone as the only solution to a multi-faceted problem: the fact that people are different.
This is why I love recommending Gary Thomas’s book Sacred Pathways to people who are feeling disillusioned in their faith. (This isn’t a sponsored post by the way, we just seriously love this book.) What Gary proposes is that there are numerous ways that people can connect with God–and although all of them are important, we each have our own “dominant” pathways. Here’s the thing, though: all nine pathways that Gary describes are found in scripture. God talks about each individual one in the Bible as a way that people meet with Him.
I’m not going to go through all nine here obviously, but I want to take a look at four of them as examples in this post:
Intellectuals: people who feel closest to God through studying scripture, devotionals, apologetics, theology, and using their mind to try to gain a deeper understanding of God.
Caregivers: people who feel closest to God through helping others, whether it’s shovelling driveways for seniors or babysitting for a single mom so she can have a break.
Sensates: people who feel closest to God when their senses are engaged. Galleries, stained glass windows, music, and burning incense all draw sensates closer to the beauty and magnificence of God. (This is me!)
Ascetics: people who feel close to God through solitude and simplicity. Fasting, silent retreats, going for long walks to just be in austere silence before God–separating themselves from the noisy outside world and even depriving themselves of creature comforts through fasting or hiking long pilgrimages helps the ascetics draw near to God.
Now this is important: all people are commanded to study scripture (intellectuals), all are commanded to fast (ascetics), all are commanded to taste and see that the Lord is good (sensates), and all are commanded to carry one another’s burdens (caregivers), but not everyone is going to have that discipline be their primary way to achieve closeness with God.
I’ll put it this way: animals need protein, carbs, and fats to survive. Herbivores like deer need more carbs and less protein and fat; dogs, on the other hand, need a very high protein diet with more fat than carbs.
They both need all three, but their primary needs are different.
That’s how spiritual pathways work, too. We all need all of them, but in differing degrees. But the problem people often run into is that the church really tends to like the “intellectuals” pathway, which is all about reading and studying scripture and theology to connect with God and understand Him better. And it makes sense–who runs churches? People who went to Bible school to study theology to understand God better.
But for the rest of us who have been sitting in pews forever and don’t feel a connection, it can seem almost like a guilt trip–why is it that everyone here seems to get spiritual fulfillment on a regular basis out of reading scripture and I just don’t?
May I suggest that perhaps you’ve been trying to live out the wrong sacred pathway for you? Maybe you’re just a spiritual herbivore who’s being fed a spiritual carnivore’s diet.
If you want to achieve spiritual intimacy as a couple, take some time and find what spiritual pathways fuel your spiritual life.
What works for you might not mesh with what your church does, what your friends prefer, or even how your spouse prefers to connect with God. But when you find the missing puzzle piece, it becomes much easier to change your spiritual discipline “diet” so that it’s balanced out again the way that God put you together spiritually.
But what about if you and your spouse have different spiritual pathways, and that’s what’s causing the clash?
Here’s the thing: each of the sacred pathways God talks about in scripture and that Gary describes in his book can lead people to God. They each hone in on a specific spiritual discipline, and they each are able to make your heart ready to hear what God has to say.
But the church and a lot of Christian material out there only presents one form of healthy family spirituality: that the husband is the spiritual leader and that means he does devotions with the family every night after dinner.
So if you’re a woman who is an intellectual worshipper and you’re married to a man who is not, a lot of the church’s teaching can lead you to feel like he’s not as spiritual as you are. Or if you see your friend’s husband lead devotionals with his family after dinner, it can seem like there is something wrong with your husband or that he’s not being as good a spiritual leader as your friends.
But where in scripture does it say that a husband must do family devotions every night?
Now, I’m not discounting the value of studying scripture. But I am saying that we need to stop putting people into these boxes that God did not design them to fit. If your husband is a caregiver, serve alongside him. Join him in that expression of worship. If your wife is a sensate, go to an art gallery with her sometime and try to see those paintings through her eyes so you too can witness God’s beauty in action!
Yes, we need to study scripture. But not wanting to lead family devotions every night isn’t always a sign that someone isn’t “right” spiritually. Just like how someone connecting with God through beauty isn’t a shallow form of worship. It’s very tempting to want to say that one person’s relationship with God isn’t as valid as our own, and the church is guilty of that, too, I believe. But if you want to achieve spiritual intimacy you’ve got to meet your spouse where they’re at–not try to force them into what you think they should be.
So instead of focusing on what your partner should do better, ask your spouse: When do you feel God the most, and how can I do a better job of joining you in that?
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And of course, I really recommend working through Gary Thomas’s book together. Sacred Pathways is a fantastic tool for couples who want to better understand not only their own personal connection to God, but also where they and their spouse can serve and meet God together.
I love this book because it doesn’t try to tell you exactly what to do–there aren’t any false promises here, it’s just an explanation of the different ways God created humans to connect with Him. And it’s fascinating.
Working through it with Connor showed both of us places we need to work on in our spiritual life together. It’s a life-changing book, and if you want to check it out, you can do that right here!
When it comes down to it, spiritual intimacy has the same battle that all other forms of intimacy do: control versus vulnerability.
You have to let down your defenses if you are going to achieve physical and emotional intimacy. If you were to approach sex with a critical attitude with a mental checklist of requirements for him, just waiting to see if he manages to get all the things you wanted changed right–that sex is not going to be very good. You have to let go and experience, not analyze. It’s the same with connecting spiritually with your husband, too–intimacy requires throwing off all preconceived notions and expectations you have for each other and simply accepting each other as you are.
So throw away the spiritual measuring stick and instead focus on simply meeting God together, even if it doesn’t look perfect all the time. It’s not always going to be a mountaintop experience–but spiritual intimacy is about the journey. So be on the journey together–don’t just stand on the sideline.
What is a way you and your husband meet with God together? What’s something you would like to try to do more often? Let’s talk about it in the comments below!
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Rebecca Gregoire Lindenbach is a 23-year-old Canadian blogger/author and the daughter of Sheila Wray Gregoire. Married since 2015, she is passionate about helping others challenge the status quo and live for more, whether in their relationships, their educational or occupational goals, or their walks with God. And yes, like her mother, she also knits.Find Rebecca Here:Rebecca's Website
Other posts by Rebecca on To Love, Honor and Vacuum:
Retraining Your Brain to Fantasize about HIM--And No One Else!
Should it be a Struggle to Not Have Sex Before You’re Married?
10 of the Best Decisions You Can Make in Your First Year of Marriage
How To Not Be a Legalistic Parent
Why I Didn't Rebel (my most viral post ever)
Read the rest of Rebecca's posts on TLHV here!
Check out Rebecca's book and course:Why I Didn't Rebel. Ever wondered why some kids rebel and some don't? Or do you believe rebellion is inevitable? Rebecca interviewed 25 young adults and dove into psychology research to find out: what makes some kids rebel, and some stay on the straight-and-narrow?
The Whole Story: Not-So-Scary Talks about Sex, Puberty, and Growing Up. Scared to talk to your daughter about puberty? Rebecca and her sister Katie want to do the hard part for you. This course is designed to start conversations to bring you closer together and strengthen your mother-daughter bond while giving your daughter all the information she needs as she becomes a woman.
Teenage rebellion doesn't need to be a part of your family's story. You can help your kids live for more! Get the first chapter of Why I Didn't Rebel for free here!
November 27, 2018
10 Ways to Stay Close When You’re in a Period of Waiting
Waiting is hard. You have no control. There’s nothing you can do to make it better.
And in those moments, how do you stay close to your spouse?
I invited Joanna, who works for me, to write a post today on how she and Josiah have handled waiting in the last year, because they’ve been through so much with infertility, illness, job stress, moving, and more. And as you will read, she’s just received a difficult health diagnosis. Joanna is from Pennsylvania, but she now lives in my hometown of Belleville, Ontario (because through networking with me her husband found a great job in a local law firm!). So she’s part of the area now. She wrote this last week on American Thanksgiving, and I thought it fit this time of year:
As I’m writing this, it’s Thanksgiving season in the USA.
The US is my “home and native land,” to use a phrase that always makes me feel like I’m lying when I sing the Canadian national anthem.
Like many of you, I’m planning on taking my turn in the annual tradition of sharing what I’m thankful for alongside my extended family. And, honestly, this blog post is part advice-on-waiting and part Joanna-processes-her-life-so-her-sharing-time-isn’t-30-minutes. It’s been a big year for us. I’ve never done the newsy Christmas card letter thing before… but I’m actually considering it because between the three of us, we’ve had so many life changes.
To recap:
January: Josiah starts his work as an articling student
February: We had a baby! And I finished my Masters in Public Health
March: Josiah took the bar exam over two weekends
April: I started working at To Love, Honor and Vacuum
May: Josiah became a lawyer and we took the baby to Saskatoon
June: Packing because in July…
July: We moved an hour down the road into our first house, got a bunny, and the baby started experiencing food allergies
August: Josiah’s sister got married back in Saskatchewan so we flew home again
September: Baby had a major allergic reaction to eggs
October: We prepared for the siege to come because in November…
November: I had surgery and was diagnosed with thyroid cancer
Simply put: it’s been a lot!
But despite the year looking hugely overstuffed, it feels a lot like we’ve bounced from waiting for one thing to waiting for the next. We’ve waited for diagnoses, for exam results, for closing day, for the baby’s due date.
I’ve reflected before about how I’m confident our hearts were prepared for this season by our time of waiting in the desert of infertility, when Josiah was struggling to find work after finishing law school. We’re definitely using the spiritual muscles we built then. But honestly, we’re entering the holiday season this year stronger than we were last year. In preparation for the big holiday this week, I’ve been thinking about why (other than the sheer grace of God) we’re doing as well as we are.
1. Count your blessings
This is nigh unto trite. But I’d be remiss if I didn’t lead with it. Veggie Tales taught us that “a thankful heart is a happy heart” and it’s true. When I stop and think about how I’ve seen God’s hand of providence move in our lives over the last few years, I can’t help but be thankful. An easy example: Josiah and his boss are both Christian men whose wives are going through cancer. Now, obviously, we wouldn’t wish cancer on anyone, and my cancer is mild. But still. What a gift for my husband to have a mentor who totally understands the world of tests, diagnoses, uncertainty, and waiting that is inherent in cancer!
2. Be vulnerable and allow your village to help you
Two weeks after I delivered our daughter, I had a secondary postpartum hemorrhage. Josiah was supposed to take the bar exam the next day and I called my family doctor as we pulled out of the driveway, headed to Toronto. Instead of going to Toronto, I got to go to the ER. As I held my precious baby in the exam room and my husband prepared to leave on his own, a kind doctor looked at me and said “today, you are going to need your village.” Sheila and Tammy tag-teamed a rescue mission. But I think that this whole year, I’ve needed my village. I spent many afternoons on Sheila’s couch as I managed trying to build a life in Belleville while living an hour away. My mom’s bible study of 100+ women has been faithfully praying for me. I’ve had weeks and weeks of help from family as I adjusted to being a new mom, moved, and recovered from surgery. Allowing other people to love me, pray for me, and help me is humbling. It’s also been a balm for my soul and it’s a major reason we’ve come through this year stronger and not utterly defeated and overwhelmed. We all need a village and our family network and church families are often God’s instruments in our hardest moments.
3. Talk to each other
Okay, sorry, you knew I was going to go there, right? But, in all seriousness, talk it out. We have our best conversations while walking together and while driving. We talked about hard things and easy things, we dreamed about baby names for #2, should we be so blessed, we talked about decisions we had coming, the things we were waiting for, and processed together.
4. Have fun together!
Josiah and I have invested in a bunch of new board games this year because we both enjoy them and they’re an easy fit for young parent entertainment. We’ve had a blast together after putting the baby down (and sometimes while she watches from the carrier, if we’re being honest). The first part of the year, when Josiah was working an hour away and studying for the bar and I was doing umpteen edits to my master’s thesis while dealing with a high risk pregnancy was really hard for me. And so Josiah decided we were going out every week for a date. I looked forward to it constantly and it was such a gift to get out and spend time together.
5. Find soul food
I’ve done a deep dive this year into some amazing theology books and podcasts. In the dark moments after the failings of the Catholic church in Pennsylvania, where I grew up, were revealed, I turned again to my dear friend Dr. Kenneth Bailey’s work. He died two years ago, but his writing on The Good Shepherd was the only comfort I could find as I grieved for the many children who were hurt. We all need hearty food for our souls in difficult moments.
6. Find mind candy
The opportunity to laugh, relax, and think about something that isn’t the craziness around us has been a huge gift this year. Josiah’s family have been huge Survivor fans since the show premiered and we’ve had a blast following the exploits of the castaways, discussing who was doing well strategically, and trying to guess the winner. It has been a welcome distraction.
7. Recognize if you need to dump social media
I got rid of my facebook when my baby was born because I didn’t care to put a birth announcement on there and I figured that if a person doesn’t want to put a birth announcement on Facebook, it’s time to dump it. I reactivated my profile to send a message to someone recently and I enjoyed the forbidden fruit of Facebook lurking… until I didn’t. A college friend’s insanely successful career left me feeling insecure about my life choices and another friend’s pregnancy announcement sent me spiraling into a “woe is me, my life is so hard” mood that I knew was counterproductive. I am deactivating again because in this season I clearly am not emotionally able to deal with social media. And guess what: that’s TOTALLY okay! I don’t need to have Facebook and my ability to passively scroll through my social media feed is not a good indication of my emotional health.
8. Resist the urge to throw a pity party
My grandmother, who lived with my family from when I was 6 until she died when I was 10, was very sick for most of her adult life. She was a person who had many limitations because of her illnesses, but she didn’t use her sickness as an excuse. Instead, she did her best to participate in whatever activity was on the go, despite never feeling well. The truth is that hard things and busy seasons happen to everyone: we live in a fallen world. Remember the stories of the heroes of faith highlighted in Hebrews 11:37-38a “They were stoned, they were sawed in two, they were put to death by the sword. They went about in sheepskins and goatskins, destitute, persecuted, and mistreated. The world was not worthy of them.”
9. But recognize that this season is hard
So this sounds like a contradiction to the point above. But I think there’s a huge difference between a “poor me” pity party and a recognition that you’re doing a hard thing and maybe, in this season, it’s okay to have an extra cup of coffee or a nap. This year has felt at times like we’re just trying to survive our blessings and at other points I’ve felt a bit like I’m living in a Shonda Rhimes show with way too many subplots. Giving myself permission to find it hard has been surprisingly helpful.
10. Put your trust in the Lord
I KNOW you’ve known this one since you were knee high to a grasshopper. I have too. But I find that lessons in trusting the Lord are lessons we come back to again and again. He has always proved himself faithful to me. I know that he will again. The stories are true, there is going to be a happy ending.
Have you had to go through a waiting period in your marriage? What did you learn from it, do you have advice for other couples going through the wait now? Let’s talk about it in the comments below!
Like this post so? You should also check out:
10 Ways to Nurture Your Marriage Through Grief
When You’re Trying to Get Pregnant
Waiting on God: Letting Him Work, Not You
When It’s Hard to Rejoice with Other People’s Victories
About Joanna
More from Joanna
Joanna SawatskyJoanna is a 20-something who has been married for 5 years. She's an infertility patient-turned-mommy, a Yankee-turned-Canuk, but she'll never lose her love for her hometown Pittsburgh Steelers. You'll find her sipping coffee and playing with her angora rabbit while reading theology books with the baby most afternoons. She's got a Masters in Public Health and a bizarre love for statistical graphs.Some other posts from Joanna:
When It's Hard to Rejoice with Those Who Rejoice
Why We Need Community
November 26, 2018
Reader Question: What if Touch Isn’t My Love Language?
On Mondays I like to put up a reader question and take a stab at answering it–sometimes in a post, and sometimes in a video. Today I had a question that I also answered a few years ago, and I’d like to address it again.
Basically, teaching our kids appropriate relationships with the opposite sex pretty much requires that you show some affection towards both your kids and your spouse. They need to see healthy relationships, and they need to get some affection from you. And sometimes family members have touch as a love language, and they need you to be physically affectionate. But how can you be more affectionate to your spouse and your kids if you’re just not a “touchy” person?
A reader asks:
Reader Question
I have never been very huggy, kissy, and feely. It makes me uncomfortable. Even with my husband. Now sure why this is. But he is very touchy. Not just sex, but just touching, hugging, and kissing. Any ideas on how to enjoy touching? How to get rid of that uncomfortable feeling? How to be more affectionate, to enjoy being together?
Here are some thoughts I wrote back in 2012 (with some updated funny family pics!). And stay tuned for something really funny at the end:
1. Recognize how Important Touch Is–whether or not touch is your love language
Hugging is actually linked to healthier hearts. One Smart Heart article says:
Well, it appears that human contact through hugs lowers blood pressure and reduces stress, which cuts the risk of heart disease. Hugs have also been shown to improve overall mood, increase nerve activity, and a host of other beneficial effects. Positive physical touch has an immediate anti-stress effect, slowing breathing and heart rate.
Here’s how it works. When you touch and hug, your body produces oxytocin, the bonding hormone that makes you feel closer to someone, and that also reduces blood pressure. So hugging is a good thing!
I have seen these stats before, but I don’t know where they originate. However, I’m pretty sure they’re right:
If we know hugs are that important, then it’s easier to start “embracing” the idea–and the practice!
2. Be Deliberate About Hugging and Showing Affection
Now that being said, I’m not really a touchy person on average. I’m always touching my husband, but I don’t hug friends very often (though interestingly I have no problem hugging business/speaking acquaintances I don’t see very often. Weird). I have to make a point to remember to hug my mom. I have noticed my older daughter Rebecca getting like this, too. While she touches her own sister a ton, she doesn’t really instigate hugs with me or with her dad. She hugs some friends, but she’s not overly touchy.
My younger daughter Katie, on the other hand, is a total touch person. Can you see the difference?
A few years back, probably when Becca was about 11 and Katie 9, I realized that I touched Katie a lot more than I touched Becca, because Katie will instigate it. So I made a point of starting to touch Becca more, and it really does help.
I just tell myself, several times a day: it’s time to hug Becca. Or, when she walks by me, I stroke her hair, or pat her hand or something. I just reach out and touch. It’s not entirely natural to me, but I make a point of it because I know we both need it.
Let me tell you about a friend of mine that we’ll call Dana. She grew up in a house that didn’t touch, and so for her, it’s not a natural instinct to touch people. But her husband and her son definitely have touch as their primary love language. So she’s taught herself: When my son is on the couch, sit beside him and rub his back. Or remember to hug my husband when he’s standing in the kitchen.
She found it strange, but she now finds that she really enjoys touch. It’s still not second nature, but she’s proud of herself. And you can do it, too!
Sometimes what it takes to be more affectionate is simply telling yourself: “every time I see my son do X, I will reach out and hug him.” Or, “every time I’m walking with my husband I’ll take his hand.” You’ll have to figure out situation-specific times when you will reach out and touch, because you’re unlikely to just think to do it. But as you touch more, you’ll likely find it easier.
Of course, touch can also be difficult when the person that you’re touching isn’t particularly affectionate, either. But don’t let awkwardness stop you. I have known adults who decided, “even though my dad has never hugged me, I’m going to start hugging him.” And he resisted at first, but eventually he found he really liked it. So push past the awkwardness, because physical touch does add a lot to a relationship.
3. Ask Yourself Why You Don’t Like Touch
Look, some people just aren’t that touchy. I’m only touchy in certain situations; in others I’m not touchy at all. There’s nothing wrong with not being particularly touchy. But sometimes it’s not just that touch isn’t our natural instinct; it’s that when we do touch it causes panic, or discomfort, or anxiety of some sort. That seems to be the case with our commenter, who said that she just doesn’t enjoy touching, and her husband does, and she finds it uncomfortable.
Again, this doesn’t mean that you’re necessarily neurotic or that something’s wrong with you. But honestly, if it is a big issue, then perhaps it’s worth looking into and praying over the issue about whether you have a real need to be in control. Some people really want their personal space, and they don’t want others to invade it, because then they feel panicky. They need their independence and their illusion that they are in control and thus safe.
If that’s the case for you, praying through this is likely a good idea, because it could be hindering your ability to form great relationships. Most people, even if they’re not particularly “touchy”, can learn to touch if they put their mind to it. If you find that you can’t, then the issue may go a little bit deeper. I’d suggest just starting out with small things, like holding your husband’s hand, or cuddling with your child at night. And then build up to more. But at the same time, really pray and talk to someone to see if there are some issues that need to be dealt with.
Whatever you do, though, don’t just use the “touch isn’t my love language, and that’s not a big deal” line.
Sure, you may not want to touch much, but touch is good for you, and even if it’s not your love language, you can learn to touch, and everyone will benefit from it.
What if it’s your spouse who doesn’t have touch as a love language?
I also received another question from a reader, who asks from the opposite perspective:
Reader Question
My husband and I have a great sex life, about 3 times a week, though I’m the one with the higher libido. My husband is very good at helping at home, with the baby, and with using words (such as I love you, with a kiss). However, he really does not like to cuddle or be physically affectionate, other than the bedroom. Even in the bedroom, it tends to be get the job done, with little interest in petting or deeply intimate affection.
I truly love him and have no complaints about our sex life or his helping with other things. But I LOVE to cuddle and be non sexually affectionate. I generally give him the space he wants, but after days of not seeing each other because of work, sometimes I need a long time to cuddle and rest with him and not just have sex and move on. We’ve talked about it, and he will cuddle occasionally for a few minutes, but it’s not often. How do I explain to him that I need that time of just non sexual but touch intimacy?
They have a great marriage, he does care for her, but he’s not particularly affectionate. In this case, I’d suggest asking him to start some new habits, like my friend Dana did. Ask him to try this:
When we’re sitting on the couch watching a movie, put your arm around me
When we’re walking, take my hand
Before we go to sleep, cuddle with me for a few minutes
Giving someone a time prompt, like “when we” or “before we”, helps so much. Telling someone “I need you to touch me more” is harder to do. But asking them, “when we do this, can you do that” seems more manageable. For most people without the love language of touch, it’s not that they’re deliberately avoiding you. It just doesn’t occur to them. Make it into a habit, and it’s more likely to happen!
And if you still have trouble with this, my book 31 Days to Great Sex has challenges on being more affectionate and flirting more. If your spouse doesn’t “get it”, working through a challenge that acknowledges how important it is for some people, and suggests prompts to help you be more affectionate, may they key to working it into your family, too!
A funny update:
I originally wrote a version of this post back in 2012. And when I looked at it to update it, this part made me laugh:
“Let me tell you about a friend of mine that we’ll call Dana. She grew up in a house that didn’t touch, and so for her, it’s not a natural instinct to touch people. But her husband and her son definitely have touch as their primary love language. So she’s taught herself: When my son is on the couch, sit beside him and rub his back.“
I had totally forgotten about that conversation I had with “Dana” back then. But it’s ironic that I would be talking about “Dana’s” son’s touch love language. Because it really is quite evident, isn’t it? Allow me to introduce you to “Dana’s” son:
Yep. Six years after I wrote that post, he married my daughter. And Darcy (aka Dana) is now an even better friend of mine!
Now it’s your turn: Have you had to teach yourself to be touchy? Or do you have a child or a husband who isn’t touchy? What have you done to bridge the gap?
November 23, 2018
Sharing My Heart and a Behind the Scenes Look at What’s Coming!
As a Canadian, I got a fun holiday yesterday, since I don’t tend to post when Americans aren’t reading (since y’all are about 75% of my audience). And today, I thought that rather than do a traditional post, I’d take a chance to tell you all about what’s going on behind the scenes, and what’s coming up.
Last night I had a talk with Katie, and she was worrying a bit about how much she’s changed since she started YouTube.
When she launched her channel, she was 16. Now she’s married. So how does she keep making videos that her audience will relate to when she’s now a different person? (don’t worry; she’s figured it out! She’s just going to keep being authentic, and she has some great stuff to say). She’s honestly one of the savviest people I know. She can read the culture, and she feels deeply when things are wrong. I hope she jumps in to her “new self” with both feet, because I think God’s taking her places.
But it got me thinking about how much I’ve changed since I started this blog. When I began blogging in 2008, my kids were 13 and 11. Now they’re both married. Then I was mostly talking about parenting, with some marriage thrown in. Now I mostly talk about sex, with a lot of marriage, and some parenting.
But that’s not all that’s changed.
I know you all are hearing all the time about changes in social media, and I thought I’d give you a behind-the-scenes look at what it’s like for me, as a blogger.
In 2014, my biggest social media source was Pinterest, by far (well, it still is, but it’s fallen off a lot). They mostly came because of my graphics, and those were mostly to do with marriage from a Christian point of view, so many people who were discovering me everyday were Christian.
Since then, Pinterest has done a huge algorithm change which pretty much everyone hates, and which is why no one uses Pinterest the way they used to (have you ever noticed that when you go on Pinterest now, they show you all kinds of pins that you aren’t interested in from people you don’t follow? Because Katie once looked at wedding dresses on Pinterest, that’s all she sees now. She hates it). You can’t see the people you follow in the same way, because Pinterest has decided to compete with Google, and is trying to become a search engine instead. So I’ve hired someone (hi Sarah!) to make my graphics and study Pinterest and try to get the traffic back up, and she’s doing a good job, though it will likely never completely recover.
Then there’s Facebook. Oh, dear. My Facebook traffic is likely about 20% of what it once was, but I think that’s likely because no one is on Facebook anymore. Are you? I hardly ever am. I wanted to follow my friends and keep up with pics of their kids, and instead it’s all politics.
But my traffic hasn’t really changed, because I get most of my traffic from Google. (The new visitor traffic that is). And most of them aren’t Christian. I’m actually going to do a post in January of the 10 biggest searches that get people to this site, and they’re all pretty darn sad, actually. There’s a lot of hurting people out there.
So on any given day, I get about 13,000 people landing here from Google, hoping to fix their sex life or their marriage, often because of porn. It’s funny, because I always wanted to go into mission work overseas, but I actually am in mission work, right here at home. My mission field is just Google. So I have several people working for me (Hi Connor and Emily!) who are doing Search Engine Optimization for the blog. It’s my outreach.
That’s really humbling. And I get really overwhelmed by how many hurting people are out there. It’s heartbreaking, because what people need is Jesus. They don’t just need to know what to do; they need the power of the Holy Spirit to actually change hearts. I’m so glad Google sends so many people here, and if you ever think of me, that’s what I’d really like prayer for–that I keep Google’s favour. It’s an incredible outreach, even if it is overwhelming.
As for social media, I used to put a lot of time into Facebook and Pinterest personally, but now I spend a lot more time at Instagram, and increasingly at YouTube. I want to start making more video content, since I have so much video of me speaking and doing interviews, and I never seem to use it. In fact, yesterday I made a video that kind of encapsulates what I said on Wednesday about sexual intimacy. See what you think:
And I have my daughter Katie (hi Katie!) working for me doing my Instagram.
I’m still on Facebook, of course, and when I need ideas for a top 10 post, that’s where I ask (and you all say the best things!). But if you’re not following me on Instagram or YouTube, please come on over. I’ve just revamped my YouTube page, and I’ll be adding more stuff soon.
Youtube
Most of my efforts, though, go into my emails.
42,000 of you are signed up to get my marriage emails now, and that’s awesome. I’ve got two people helping me with that (hi Connor and Samantha!), and they get the basics together so that then I can add personal touches. Every Friday I send out a weekly roundup of the posts, and I include something personal for my subscribers that you don’t get if you’re just on the blog. Maybe it’s a new freebie, or a behind the scenes look. Last week Rebecca and I shared a video where we debated whether to raise the issue of how to handle a spouse’s obesity in marriage. I’d like to talk about it, but I was getting some pushback on Facebook. So I conducted a poll (it was 92% in favour of talking about it!).
So it’s a lot to keep up with, but I love it, because I get to employ so many people, and I honestly feel blessed to get to help so many marriages, too!
So what are we up to for the New Year?
Rebecca (my oldest) has been working for me for a while, but she’s going to be stepping back soon (we hope. That’s been the plan). She’s honestly one of the most brilliant people I know. Whenever I have to write a difficult post, I talk it through with her first. Whenever I don’t know what to do with a comment, she sees through the issues so clearly. She’s wonderful. But we’ve got an amazing business idea that she wants to pursue full-time, and she’s hoping to transition over to that in January. She’ll still be here to write posts or be in videos, but she won’t be doing the behind-the-scenes day-to-day administration stuff.
PLUS we’ve got an amazing opportunity to offer our Whole Story puberty course to some charter schools, and we’ll be filming the youth group/school curriculum version of it in the winter. So that’s exciting.
And I’m going to be writing a new fun book on personality in marriage in the new year, too. Wasn’t planning on that, but the opportunity came up and I’m quite excited about it.
Over the last few months, my son-in-law has come on board to do a lot of the administrative stuff Rebecca was doing, and it’s been fun having him work for me. Plus their dog loves having both of them working from home!
We’re planning on starting a podcast!
Blogging just isn’t the same as it once was. I’m really blessed because my blog traffic has stayed pretty much the same, but people are consuming media in all different ways. It isn’t just reading posts anymore.
That’s why I really do want to branch out into video (which I’m doing) but especially into a podcast. We’re looking at getting that ready for the New Year. I’m going to focus on the monthly topic (every Wednesday in a month I talk about a specific theme), and delve deeper than the blog posts. Plus we’ll have a bunch of extras as well.
I really appreciate all of you who have been with me through all this transition, and those of you who have only joined me recently. I’m having so much fun learning all the new stuff about videos and podcasts and Instagram and everything, and that’s what I love about what I do. It’s always changing. I’m still going to blog of course, but I’m just adding more things (and more employees), and our family is growing. (in fact, all of my employees are getting together for a “How to Host a Murder” Christmas party in December! Should be a riot. Though we’ll have to get baby-sitters for the three baby girls. We’ve got lots of babies here!)
Our Staff Christmas party in 2017
I thought on this family weekend, then, I’d let you in on my “family”.
But let me know–if I start a podcast, would you listen?
November 21, 2018
What Does Making Love Really Mean? The Beauty of Sexual Intimacy
One is far more profound. One is a deep love, a deep knowing. The other is simply about the physical act.
This month on Wednesdays we’re talking about different aspects of intimacy. I started by talking about the need for intimacy; then last week we tackled emotional intimacy and feeling close. Today I want to talk about sexual intimacy.
But first–let me tell you about a throwaway line about making love I used in an interview that has tortured me.
As those of you who subscribe to my Friday emails know, Keith and I went south in our RV last week. We drove down to Alabama and left our RV there (we’re returning to it in January!), and along the way I taped another instalment of The Huckabee Show, which should be out in January. On that, I was talking about how pornography is wreaking havoc on millennial marriages, and how we need to push back against the porn culture.
It was an important topic, and I’m glad I got to speak on it. But I said one thing that I’m just afraid sounds so lame! It’s not that I think it wasn’t true. It’s just that I don’t know if I was able to explain correctly what I meant, and I hope it didn’t make me sound all fuddy-duddy.
I was in the middle of explaining that our culture has made sex into a completely physical thing, and I said that if couples wanted to experience more fun in the bedroom, they wouldn’t find it at a sex toy shop or in a pornographic magazine. They should actually spend time praying together, because it was about being vulnerable that mattered.
I think I looked good when I said it (here’s a pic they sent me), but I just don’t know if I made sense.
So let me explain what I meant fully here, in the hopes that maybe I can stop feeling so awkward about it (and stop waking up in the middle of the night haunted by it!).
Making love is about “knowing” the other
When I was researching The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, this is one of the most profound things that I learned that really resonated with me. In the Old Testament, in Genesis 4:1, we read “Adam knew his wife Eve….” That verb “to know” means a deep knowing, a deep longing, a deep intimacy. It’s the same Hebrew word that David uses in the Psalms when he says “search me and KNOW me.”
And God uses that same word for sex.
Why is that? It’s because sex is, at heart, about a deep connection with another. It’s the ultimate in saying, “you are not alone.” And that’s why sex needs to be about knowing “the other”. It’s not just about sexual pleasure. It’s about experiencing a deep longing to connect with another person.
God actually uses sex as an analogy of how He wants to know us. I think part of the reason He created the genders the way He did, and sex the way He did, was so that we had a mirror and a word picture to understand our own relationship with Him.
That’s why when people are desperate for connection they often yearn for sex. I shared in The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex about the night my son Christopher died. I won’t type it here, because quite frankly it takes a lot out of me and I don’t want to. I share the story from the stage every time I give my Girl Talk, because it’s important, but I don’t want to do it right now. I did it in my book. But let’s just say that in our grief, we were desperate for each other, because we needed to know “I am not alone. I am not going through this alone.” That’s what making love is.
In fact, as C.S. Lewis said in The Four Loves, that’s also why lovers often feel like they want to “devour” each other. It’s that need to possess and to be completely connected in as complete a way as possible. Making love is the doorway into that.
Now, people in the anonymous hook up culture are often desperate for connection as well, and so they keep trying to find it in sex, and may even get a temporary high. But the problem with anonymous sex is that you can’t really know the other. You can just use the other. The elements that make sex about truly “knowing” someone are really only found in a committed relationship, because:
Making love is vulnerable
You’re literally naked. That’s a very vulnerable place to be. All pretence is gone, because the way that we tend to present ourselves to others, to “invent” ourselves, disappears. No more clothing. No more masks. We’re not even really talking that much. We’re just the base versions of ourselves.
I’ve written before about how vulnerability is actually a necessity for women to experience real sexual pleasure. We have to be able to let our guard down, to tell him what we want, to stop thinking about what we should be doing and just to be experiencing what is happening. That’s very hard for a woman to do, and it’s virtually impossible unless she feels emotionally safe. You can write all the Cosmo articles you want about how to make sex great, but the truth is that in my surveys for The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and in many other surveys on sex, what people report is that the best sex is not being had by young women in the hookup culture. It’s by women who have been married for around two decades, and who are totally and completely comfortable with their husbands. Commitment is the best aphrodisiac, because commitment allows vulnerability!
Making love is passionate
Passion is that act of being carried away. You’re not really thinking anymore; you’re able to just feel. That comes because you’re able to turn your brain off for a moment and live more in your body, in the experience end of it. I wrote more about this in how sex can be both hot and holy at the same time. But passion can’t be achieved by thinking. It has be achieved by letting go of control. It’s interesting that women can’t really experience orgasm when we’re concentrating too hard. We have to let go. And again, I think there’s a reason for that. You’re supposed to let go, and stop trying to control everything, so that you’re letting your husband in on who you really are. No more pretences.
Making love is playful
None of this means that sex has to be super serious. Part of letting go of control and letting go of pretence is that we can actually laugh at ourselves sometimes! In fact, sometimes the best sex is when we end up laughing our head off. People who take sex far too seriously often sap the joy out of it. Take it too seriously and it becomes about goals. Make it about the moment and experiencing each other, and you can laugh.
Making love is transcendent
Finally, this leads us to the last part. Making love is truly transcendent. You almost enter a different plane. Freud called sex “the little death”, because in orgasm you almost cease to be. For that moment you aren’t Jane and Jim or Susan and Bob. You’re not yourselves; you’ve somehow gone beyond that to experience on a different level. You can’t even think straight.
So to go back to what I said on the Huckabee show. When we take all of this into consideration–how when we can be truly vulnerable, we can lose control; we can stop trying to put masks on; we can be our most basic selves; we can almost become transcendent–well, that’s why praying together can be an aphrodisiac.
It’s not that you become super spiritual so that sex doesn’t need to be sexy because you’re above all that. It’s because when you’re totally vulnerable, you don’t have to pretend anymore. You connect at a deep level. And that’s why, and this is key, real vulnerability and intimacy is what also gives great freedom and adventure in the bedroom. It’s how hot and holy really do go together!
From The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex:
In my focus group with husbands, one made a very interesting comment:
“When you’re one, sex becomes a part of that, and you lose all the shyness you had at the beginning of marriage. Now we can do a whole lot more because it’s not dirty; it’s just expressing who we are together, and we’re so much more comfortable.”
…Experiencing that spiritual connection during sex is not only done by doing more sacred things; it is done by claiming more things for the sacred realm. Isn’t that what God wants–to take more and more into his sphere? As we grow closer together, we’re able to grow in freedom together so that more is holy and right between us–even if it’s also hot. In fact, especially since it’s also hot, because sex is all about that urge to be together that reflects best the hunger that we feel for God. I can’t think of a better gift God could have given to marriage.
I’m reading all that I’ve written and it still seems inadequate. I just can’t really explain this, but maybe that’s the point. You’re not supposed to be able to explain it. Maybe that’s why God uses sex, which is ultimately unexplainable, to illustrate how He feels about us. It’s just too personal and too deep.
This, though, is the promise of sexual intimacy in marriage. This month, as we’re talking about intimacy, I want us to keep this picture in mind. Sex is all of these things–intimate, vulnerable, transcendent, passionate. And still playful. And so, a few warnings:
When you remove sex from marriage, your marriage will cease being vulnerable, intimate, passionate and playful.
Sex is meant to be a cornerstone of marriage. It isn’t optional. When we let sex go, we’re not just rejecting sex. We’re rejecting that ultimate “knowing” of our spouse. And those who run away from intimacy with a spouse often do so because they’re uncomfortable with intimacy with God. They can’t stand being laid bare before anyone.
When you make sex only about pleasure, you remove its power
Sex should be about knowing “the other”. When we let sex become too much about masturbation or even some sex toys, we make it a solitary experience. That’s taking the power away from sex, which comes from connection. When it’s only about a drive, then it may be a physical release, but it will ultimately leave you empty.
When you make sex about pornography, you make sex about selfishness
Porn makes sex into self-gratification. It’s not about knowing another; it’s about using another for one’s release. It’s ugly. It will turn your sex drive ugly. And you will not be able to relate to your spouse at an intimate level if sex becomes about power.
I think the reason that sex gets stale in many marriages is because people have never understood its power, because they have made it only about release. That’s tragic. I hope that through my books and my blog we can start seeing that sex is supposed to be so much more than that.
And if you want to hear more, The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex delves into this in great detail.
Remember, it’s okay to have fun!
And if you’re having trouble, or if you just feel like things have gotten boring, I want to introduce you to my sponsor The Ultimate Intimacy App. It can do amazing things to spice up your marriage. It has a super fun game you can play that I explained here, but it also has articles to read on how to improve technique, how to have fun date nights, how to plan a weekend getaway, and more.
So even though it’s an app, it’s also something to read. And play. And enjoy! Check it out on iTunes or on Google Play.
I still feel like there is so much to be said, but I will leave it there, and just ask you:
Do you know what I mean about how intimacy and vulnerability can make sex more passionate? Or is that too far-fetched? Let’s talk in the comments!
