Sheila Wray Gregoire's Blog, page 90

Valentine’s Day Gift Guide for Your Husband: Top 10 Gifts Ideas for Any Budget!

Today I was determined to come up with some awesome, romantic Valentine’s Day gifts for your husband–that don’t involve ties.

Of course, many guys like ties, so if that’s your hubby, that’s fine. But a lot of us are looking for more original ideas.

I’m not really a gift person. My mother and my youngest are AWESOME at gifts, and then I’m always at a loss, which makes me feel like a louse. And I know some of us are married to guys that are really good gift givers, and then we always look like we didn’t put in any effort, when it’s really that we have no idea where to look!

I do think, too, that we make Valentine’s Day way too much into “women’s” day. Yes, it’s wonderful when husbands shower gifts on their wives. But why not take the day to bless him and show him how much you love him as well?

(Now, if you’re always disappointed because your husband puts in no effort to be romantic, this post may be more for you about Valentine’s Day Disappointment!)

So for all of you gift-challenged people like me, I asked a bunch of my assistants to scour the internet for some great ideas, and here’s what we’ve come up with.

FTC Disclaimer: Some of these items were sent to us for free to review. We like to review products before recommending them, so we know we’re sending you to companies we have found to be honest, professional, and innovative. All opinions are our own!

[image error] 1. His and Hers robes embroidered with your initials.

Want to add some relaxation to your husband’s life? Get him a set of his and hers robes embroidered with your initials. I have a friend who gives this as bridal shower gifts, but they’d be a great valentine’s day present as well. You’ll have to get the embroidery added after you get the robes, but it’s done really quickly and is surprisingly cheap.

Then you can snuggle while watching movies or your favourite show in the robes–and nothing else!

2. Tell him you want to re-vamp your sex life!

If you’re looking for a sex life reboot, or just want to spend a month developing your love life together, try my 31 Days to Great Sex challenge. It’s a wonderful way to invest in each other and to set yourselves up sexually for the rest of your marriage, whether you’re newlyweds or have been married for decades.

3. Get yourself a treat–for him!

This is a gift idea you’ve likely thought of, but here’s the truth: your husband will likely love it if you buy yourself some lingerie. And while for many teddys and little outfits to be worn for a few minutes are the go-to, I’d also really recommend getting some classy, sexy, wearable pajamas that you can both enjoy regularly. I’d just suggest something more like this and less like that.

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Published on February 05, 2019 04:07

Porn and Anger: How Porn Use Stunts Emotional Growth

Porn and anger go together, because porn doesn’t just affect someone’s sex drive. Porn affects personality, too.

Last weekend I was speaking in Edmonton at the Breakforth conference on a cold, dark, freezing rain Sunday morning. The topic was “how porn wrecks intimacy and causes anger”, and despite the weather and the 8:30 start time the room was full.

Normally when I talk about porn here on the blog I talk about its effects on a husband’s sex drive. One of the things I talked about in that seminar, though, was the effect that porn has on personality–porn and anger seem to feed each other.

Here’s a question that I recently had sent into the blog:

Reader Question

I am 52, married to a man 8 years my junior. Just recently I discovered that he was viewing porn…a lot! Just recently I noticed him spending an increased amount of time on his phone, and staying up later than me (which he has never done). We always go to bed together. He forgot his phone at home last week and I looked at the history. Needless to say, I was devastated! When I asked him what was going on, he told me I was just over reacting. He even became angry at me because I was crying. I really feel like he cheated. He told me he would never look at it again. That’s not what I wanted from him. I wanted him to tell me it wasn’t about ME, and that I was still attractive to him. We haven’t been intimate since. In fact I know he has been pleasing himself rather than make love to me. He hasn’t been viewing porn since, I know because I have been checking. But he seems different, like he is bored or depressed and he always says he is tired. Please help. We have a great marriage other than this.

Isn’t that sad? So many women I know are going through this trauma of their husband’s porn use, and it is very difficult to get through, especially because the husband often reacts angrily when we question whether he’s really quitting porn or whether he really loves us.

I’ve written before about what to do if your husband uses porn, and these posts are very important. I won’t reiterate them all here, but it is vital that you deal with the porn use in a firm way, and that you not enable him to continue. He needs help, he needs to properly repent, and he needs to devote himself to recovery, or else your marriage will be stuck.

4 Things You Must Do if Your Husband Uses Porn

10 Things to Know About How Porn Affects Your Sex Life and Marriage

I’ve also written about how porn addiction affects women, too–and has similar effects to the ones I’m discussing today for men.

Those posts will help, but I don’t want to repeat that today. What I do want to talk about are the psychological effects, including anger and selfishness, of porn on husbands. Those effects are often still present, even when the porn use ends, because porn use changes personality.

Porn use reinforces selfishness

When you watch porn, you masturbate. They go hand in hand (sorry for the terrible pun; but they do!). So the porn user pairs sexual response and a dopamine reaction (the pleasure chemical in the brain) with the stimulation of pornography. The images themselves reinforce selfishness (you deserve to be served and to take what you want) and then the masturbation reinforces the idea that you deserve to receive pleasure when you want it.

Drs John and Julie Gottman, who are clinical psychologists and marriage experts, wrote an open letter on porn that’s worth the read, but this is especially pertinent:

First, intimacy for couples is a source of connection and communication between two people. But when one person becomes accustomed to masturbating to porn, they are actually turning away from intimate interaction. Second, when watching pornography the user is in total control of the sexual experience, in contrast to normal sex in which people are sharing control with the partner. Thus a porn user may form the unrealistic expectation that sex will be under only one person’s control. Third, the porn user may expect that their partner will always be immediately ready for intercourse… This is unrealistic as well. Research has revealed that genital engorgement leads to a desire for sex only 10% of the time in women and 59% of the time in men. Fourth, some porn users rationalize that pornography is ok if it does not involve partnered sexual acts and instead relies only on masturbation. While this may accomplish orgasm the relationship goal of intimate connection is still confounded and ultimately lost

Porn replaces vulnerability with depersonalization

God designed sex to be about giving to one another; to be an intimate and deep knowing of one another, where you’re completely vulnerable with each other. Indeed, in Genesis 4:1, God uses the Hebrew word “to know” to denote sex–“And Adam knew his wife Eve, and she conceived a son…” As I explained at length in The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, that’s the same Hebrew word that is used in the Psalms when David says “Search me and know me…” It’s a deep longing for a completely intimate connection.

Porn, on the other hand, is not about opening up to someone. It’s about using someone, so that the other person doesn’t matter. Porn teaches you that other people are to be objectified.

Indeed, caring about people is now a complete turn off. Because porn is so impersonal, what becomes sexy is the idea of taking from a stranger. That’s also why some porn users can be very affectionate towards their wives at times, but never in the bedroom–or they don’t even want sex anymore. They have so divorced sex from affection that the two just can’t go together. This is why erectile dysfunction and low libido are major effects of porn in a porn user’s life.

Remember, too, that they are giving their bodies positive feedback every time they depersonalize someone. Because they masturbate, then they reinforce this depersonalization constantly.

A study was done that showed pornographic images to married men (not a study we’d endorse, for obvious reasons, but we’ll still cover the results). When compared to men who did not look at porn, men who were shown a nude pornographic photo rated themselves as less in love with their wives.

Terry Crews, who is a famous actor and former NFL football player, once went to rehab due to his porn use. He described the depersonalization of pornography this way:

“My issue was, and is with pornography is that it changes the way you think about people, people become objects, people become body parts; they become things to be used rather than people to be loved.”

Porn and anger go together because porn use makes one irritable

Porn users just aren’t nice to be around. Our reader’s husband is irritable all the time. Very common. Think of a smoker who is trying to ditch a 30-year habit; they’re going to be shaking and always thinking about that cigarette they can’t have. Porn users are the same.

Even when they’re still addicted they can be quite irritable, because when they get upset or bored or stressed what they want to do is to go watch porn, but they can’t because you’re around or the kids are around or they have to work. So they go through life at this constant level of frustration, where the people they love are actually an impediment to them getting what they want. That’s why porn and anger are paired; they’re angry that they’re not getting to pursue what they need.

Combine that with porn’s message that “you deserve to be able to take what you want”, and they become very entitled and irritable, all at the same time.

A Porn Addiction Can Cause Depression

The letter writer says that her husband is withdrawn and seems bored or depressed. That’s very common when you quit porn, because you’re not getting the dopamine stimulation you used to get.

Because men typically hide their porn use, it causes a cycle of secrecy. Among men who use porn frequently by themselves, psychologists argue, rates of depression increase. Fight the New Drug, a non-profit that writes extensively on the problems with pornography, put together a really nice piece on why pornography increases loneliness that is worth the read.

Porn Use Stunts Emotional Growth

In this letter writer’s case, it’s unlikely that the porn addiction began in full force as a teenager, since at his age internet porn didn’t exist. But for many porn users today, their porn use began when they were in their early teens.

So imagine being a 14-year-old boy feeling lonely because his friends don’t understand him and girls won’t look at him. Porn gives the message: “You are powerful. You can take what you want. You deserve to be served. You deserve to be happy.” So he turns to porn instead to deal with his ugly feelings. When he gets stressed and feels like he can’t cope, he turns to porn because it makes those stressed feelings go away. When he gets bored, he turns to porn because it’s something to do.

All of these negative feelings are shoved under the surface, rather than dealt with properly, as the boy turns to porn. So he never learns to deal well with problems. In many ways, a porn addict’s emotional development stops at the point when he starts watching porn.

That’s why many 38-year-old women married to 40-year-old porn addicts feel like their husbands are only 14. You can’t talk to them about deep things. You can’t have a proper conversation about something that’s bothering you. You can’t make plans about what to do if he loses his job because he feels like it’s such an attack on him. You feel as if you’re coddling an adolescent–because you are.

How to Recover from the Porn and Anger Connection

I’ll have to write a longer post about this in the future, but most porn users will need some real counseling so that they can understand why they’re angry, understand that they have done these things to themselves, and that these things aren’t normal. Then they will need to learn some new coping patterns.

Especially if the porn use started when the boys were teenagers, they will have to learn for the first time healthy ways to handle stress, boredom, loneliness, or feelings of inadequacy. They’ll need to see the porn and anger connection. Before, whenever these feelings surfaced, instead of facing them, they hid them by turning to pornography. Now they have no coping mechanisms for dealing with them, so they react in anger. They honestly are up a creek without a paddle.

And this is the key:

Recovery from porn use is not just about quitting porn. It’s about developing coping mechanisms to deal with anger and stress in life.

Yes, you need filters on your computers and devices to make porn less accessible. Yes, he needs accountability to make sure he’s not still seeking porn. A new tool we just discovered is the “emergency button” provided by nofap.com. It takes you to a motivational message, meme, video, or reddit thread to help distract and to encourage users to resist temptation.

But more than that, he needs counseling and real group therapy that addresses the underlying psychological issues and the anger that he’s dealing with. It’s not just about porn or sex or women’s bodies. It’s about his whole strategy for coping with life–it’s about him admitting that porn and anger are related in his life.

The good news is that many men come out on the other side, and get less angry, more giving, more present, more communicative. I have seen it happen in so many marriages. So seek out help. Talk to a counsellor who specializes in this, and ask the hard questions about managing stress and anger. Seek out celebrate recovery groups in your area.

And pray hard! If he understands his need to grow, and you help him battle both porn and anger, you can find victory.

What do you think? Have you seen these effects of porn in someone’s life that you know? What’s the best way to recover from both porn and anger? Let’s talk in the comments!

Found this post helpful? You may also benefit from:

4 Things You Must Do if Your Husband Uses Porn

10 Things to Know About How Porn Affects Your Sex Life and Marriage

Is Porn Stealing His Sex Drive?

You Can Recover From Your Husband’s Porn use

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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 27 years and happily married for 22! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.

Find Sheila Here:

Facebook
Twitter
Instagram
YouTube
Pinterest

Sheila's Favorite Posts on To Love, Honor and Vacuum:

10 ways to initiate sex
10 Effects of Porn on Your Brain, Marriage, & Sex Life
Why So Much Marriage Advice is So Trite
How can Sex be Hot and Holy at the Same Time?

Check out some of Sheila's Books:

The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex
31 Days to Great Sex
9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage
To Love, Honor, and Vacuum

Check out Sheila's Courses:

The Boost Your Libido Course
The Whole Story: Talking to Your Daughter about Sex, Puberty, and Growing Up
The FREE Emotional Intimacy E-Course

Are you ready to take your marriage to the next level?
Sign up for our emails and get access to the TLHV free marriage and parenting resource library. We have over 25 downloads and are constantly adding more. Sign up here!

View more on Sheila Wray Gregoire's website »

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Published on February 04, 2019 04:06

Your Chance to Win–and a Great Gift to Your Marriage!

Can we appreciate the small things?

I’m sitting in our RV right now, typing this. We’re sitting by a small, manmade lake in Jacksonville, Florida, surrounded by a bunch of snowbirds (those are mostly Canadians and northern US retirees who come down to Florida for the winter), plus a bunch of actual birds that Keith is having fun photographing. We’re here for just a week, because I’m giving a Girl Talk tonight at New Berlin Road Church. Then we’re off to Louisiana, where I’m speaking on February 16 at Christ Community Church in Lake Charles.

One thing that I always come away with after living in our RV for an extended period of time is how little I actually need.

I have my knitting (I’m knitting a big blanket for our bed, and it’s my RV project that’s lasted a few years); we have some games that we play; Keith does our accounting and edits his bird pictures. And we’re happy.

The “sock yarn remnants” blanket I’ve been knitting for 3 years

When the kids were little, some of the happiest times we had were in our little 30-year-old tent trailer camper, playing board games and having hot chocolate.

Family vacations don't have to be expensive--why we loved our tent trailer!

Rebecca and Katie on their bunk in our tent trailer, around 2001

You have so few clothes, so few possessions, and life really is just about being together. Sure you have to cook and clean, but you don’t have much, so cleaning doesn’t take long. You have to do laundry, sure, but it’s not that much work. And we’re really perfectly happy. I’m always a little disappointed when we get home and I have to live in my house again.

Keith getting lunch ready before we go out on a hike

I think one of the key things to life in the RV is that we’re not streaming Netflix. The internet isn’t good enough to support streaming, so we actually have to spend time together. So we play games, and we do our hobbies, and we talk.

Couples come to me with all kinds of questions and problems in their marriage, and they wonder where to start. How do you start to disentangle such complicated issues and hurts, when there have been layer up on layer of misunderstandings and problems?

And I invariably say the same thing: Start spending time together first. Start just doing something that you both enjoy. Start doing something fun so that you just chat.

Start spending time together first. Start just doing something that you both enjoy. Start doing something fun so that you just chat.Click To Tweet
When you lose the ability to talk about small things, then you lose the ability to talk about big things.

We can’t tackle big problems if we can’t just chat and laugh. To tackle big things, you need goodwill to draw on. And for that, you need some chatting!

That’s what we get when all is stripped away and we’re living in a 24-foot long camper, with a bed where I need to climb over Keith to get into or out of. Sometimes less complicated is better.

Writing this post!

I’ve talked this month about how many of us are spending our lives on things that don’t ultimately satisfy. They fill up our time (like video games), but they don’t feed our souls or our relationships. Or maybe we’re not doing the things that we need to do to live good lives (like getting healthy). And instead of feeding good relationships, we’re feeding selfishness (like my post on how we shouldn’t damage our kids by feeding thoughts about resenting parenting). Next month we’re going to move on to how to spice things up and have fun in bed, but before we do that, let’s get back to basics!

I just want to encourage everyone to have some downtime with each other, with some of the modern trappings pushed aside. Play a game. Do a hobby. Take a walk. Make this a regular thing. It’s not hard. It doesn’t take that much time. But it reaps such big dividends in your lives!

Play a game. Do a hobby. Take a walk. Make this a regular thing. It's not hard. It doesn't take that much time. But it reaps such big dividends in your lives!Click To Tweet
The older I get, the more I believe in the power of board games.

I’m going to be doing a series of posts this year on some of the best, most fun board games I’ve come across. My kids like board games. My assistants on the blog love board games. Tammy, my right hand manager, always gives board games as wedding presents. They’re fun. You can play them with children (starting around age 6 or 7). And it gets us away from screens and talking to each other again!

I remember the board game nights we have as a family. I remember the date nights we go out to pubs with the game Hive. I rarely remember the times we spend watching a TV show together.

Playing Hive for 2 Players at Local Pub Night

Taking Hive out to the pub to play!

The older I get, the more I believe in the power of board games.Click To Tweet

So I hope this year to spread some of that enthusiasm to you all! The power of a board game is the power of chatting and laughing. And it does matter!

I want to offer you another opportunity to win the game Hive–along with three expansions (ladybug, pillbug, and mosquito), and Gen 42 Games’ amazing game Logan Stones, too!

Just enter in the Rafflecopter below. And you get extra “entries” by doing cool things like liking Gen 42 Games’ Facebook Page. You even get 10 extra entries by posting a picture of yourself with the game Hive (even if you take the pic in a store, that counts!). Just hashtag it with #hivegame!

I’ll keep the contest open until February 12, so the winner will be notified right around Valentine’s Day. Let’s get back to some fun without screens. It’s good for your marriage!

a Rafflecopter giveaway

What games do you love? Let’s talk in the comments!

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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 27 years and happily married for 22! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.

Find Sheila Here:

Facebook
Twitter
Instagram
YouTube
Pinterest

Sheila's Favorite Posts on To Love, Honor and Vacuum:

10 ways to initiate sex
10 Effects of Porn on Your Brain, Marriage, & Sex Life
Why So Much Marriage Advice is So Trite
How can Sex be Hot and Holy at the Same Time?

Check out some of Sheila's Books:

The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex
31 Days to Great Sex
9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage
To Love, Honor, and Vacuum

Check out Sheila's Courses:

The Boost Your Libido Course
The Whole Story: Talking to Your Daughter about Sex, Puberty, and Growing Up
The FREE Emotional Intimacy E-Course

Are you ready to take your marriage to the next level?
Sign up for our emails and get access to the TLHV free marriage and parenting resource library. We have over 25 downloads and are constantly adding more. Sign up here!

View more on Sheila Wray Gregoire's website »

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Published on February 01, 2019 06:05

PODCAST: You Don’t Get to Be Selfish, Love Bombing, and More!

It’s time for a new episode of the To Love, Honor and Vacuum podcast!

I hope you all will listen, but if you don’t have time, I’ll have some links and rabbit trails below so you can read all you want as well!

And consider these links as extras to the podcast, too. They’re things I mentioned in the podcast, but didn’t have time to say. So here’s where you can go more in-depth!

But first, here’s the podcast:

Main Segment: We need to learn to control HOW WE THINK

Yesterday on the blog I kind of went off on a rant to a woman who said that she regretted having kids, and that the two worst days of her life were when she discovered she was pregnant and when she had her son. I was far too harsh in retrospect (some commenters took me to task for that, rightly), but I do think it had to be said.

The main point of what I wanted to say to her, though, was that whatever you focus on expands. And she is feeding the thoughts that are making her miserable, rather than replacing them with thoughts that can help her grow in peace and joy.

Seriously, you have to take control of your thoughts, which is the main point of my book 9 Thoughts that Can Change Your Marriage.

How are you THINKING about your marriage?

And what if it’s actually your THOUGHTS that are holding you back from a great marriage?

Learn how to change what you think about marriage–and then you’ll be able to figure out how to act to get a great marriage, too!

Take me to it!

I’ve written more about this concept of changing how you think, and you may find these posts interesting in addition to what I said in the podcast:

How Thoughts Can Change a Marriage

10 Christian Pat Answers that Don’t Always Work

Millennial Marriage: Why aren’t Millennials Going to Church?

Here’s the article we were discussing:

Young adults are dropping out of church in large numbers

Here’s Rebecca’s twitter thread that we were talking about:

I don't actually agree that the problem is that young people are going to church in order to be served. I think it's that we're not getting what we really need: community. Church is set up in a way that makes it REALLY hard to actually get to know anyone.

— Rebecca Lindenbach (@LifeAsADare) January 16, 2019

Rebecca and I decided that millennials really need authenticity and community, something that church often doesn’t provide. What do you think?

Here’s an article I wrote about church and community, too.

Reader Question: How Do We Rebuild Trust After an Affair?

A woman wrote in saying that she’s trying to rebuild her marriage after an affair–but the problem is she finds it hard to trust him. And she’s admitting that she’s the reason that he had an affair.

We really need to stop accepting blame for things that are not our fault. Yes, you may have contributed to the marriage breaking down. But he made the decision to cheat! Often we’re quick to accept blame because then, if we’re to blame, if we change we can keep the marriage together. But the point is to work towards honesty, not just towards a marriage staying together. If you want real intimacy, you have to build trust.

Why It’s Not Okay to Say “I Wish I Never Had Kids!”

Lots of parents say “I wish I never had kids!” or “If I could do my life over again, I’d never have children.”

I think that’s so destructive.

This month, in our Wednesday series, we’re looking at the habits we have that can steal our marriage from us, and what small habits we can put in place instead that can help us experience the big, joyful life God has for us. We started off by talking about health, and then last week we talked about video games (and I talked about time wasters in the podcast). Today I want to talk about our thought patterns, and I’ll do it using this reader question I received from a woman who is resentful of being a mother.

Note before the post starts: Postpartum Depression (PPD) is a real affliction that many women suffer after childbirth. Among other symptoms, many women who experience PPD report feelings of disconnect from their children or that their children don’t feel “real.” Studies estimate it may affect 15% of women who give birth, usually beginning within the first month after childbirth and lasting from a few months to upwards of a year. We are not discussing PPD in this post. If you have PPD or have suffered from PPD, this post is not for you and we instead recommend talking to your doctor to discuss treatment options. The reader in question does not have PPD, and it is important to make the distinction.

Reader Question

I have been married for nine years to an amazing man. We got married young, and each knew that the other felt differently about having kids- he wanted them, I was vehemently against it. We got married anyway. Three years ago, I was fed up with fighting and disappointing my parents who desperately wanted grandchildren (my sibling never married), so I gave in. The day I found out I was pregnant was one of the worst days of my life, following the day I gave birth. I hated my child, and I hated my husband for forcing motherhood on me. He had said earlier in our marriage that there was no point in being married unless we were going to have kids, and he felt dutifully responsible as Christians to have kids. Maybe I was wrong to be devastated to hear his opinion on his reasons for marriage, but I was. I did grow to love my baby very much after a few months, and we now have a second (again out of obligation on my side, as well as the desire to get this baby stuff over with as quickly as possible), but I can’t seem to fully recover from my anger towards my husband. Ever since I got pregnant the first time, I feel like the only reason my husband loves me is because of the kids, and so every time he says “I love you”, I feel resentful, and sometimes have to force myself to say it back. I’m trying to let it all go as it is negatively impacting my view on our marriage, intimacy, my view of the kids (I love them now, but I still wish I wasn’t a mom) and on myself, but I can’t seem to beat this thing. How can I just let it completely go?

Okay, I have a lot to say to this one, but before we get started, I don’t want this to be a discussion about whether or not they should have had kids, or whether it’s okay to get married knowing that you don’t want kids. We covered that a while ago in this post on not wanting to have kids with your husband.

But this is different, because this is no longer a theoretical question. This letter writer already has two living, breathing children who need her. Those kids’ needs trump everything else.

Nevertheless, let’s leave the kids until later and deal with the marriage issue first, because that may be easier.

Just because your husband wants kids does not mean that he doesn’t love you or that you aren’t enough for him.

She says that her husband said there’s no point in getting married if they aren’t going to have kids, and she feels that this means that he doesn’t love her.

No, it doesn’t. I would have said the same thing, and yet I loved Keith! You can be totally in love with someone and want to spend your life with them and simultaneously feel that you want to have kids, and that kids are the main reason for marriage. My need or desire to have children does not mean that I love Keith less (if anything, it makes me love him more, because now we’ve created children together and we have this amazing shared experience).

Love is not zero sum. If I love my kids, it doesn’t mean I love my husband less. Love doesn’t divide; it multiplies. Now, maybe there are people who get married only for the children, but this letter writer says that her husband is an amazing man. Why not celebrate that, instead of feeling like you can only really be loved if he doesn’t love anyone else or want anyone else too?

And speaking of your husband:

Your husband needs to feel that his kids are safe with you.

If he’s such an amazing man, then do you think you could do something for him? It is a horrible psychological burden to have to worry if your children are not safe with their other parent. And even if you would never physically hurt your kids, the fact that you are saying the two worst days of your life are when you found out you were pregnant and when your child was born means that your kids are not psychologically safe with you.

You are not loving your husband if you are putting this burden on him. If you love him, then you must get over this resentment you have towards your children.

Okay, now let’s turn to how to do this.

Your life didn’t turn out the way you wanted it to. But no one’s does!

All of us have a picture of what we think our life will be like one day, and very few of us have lives that turn out exactly the way they’re supposed to. Not everyone, however, feels resentment about this.

Resentment about your life going in a different direction really only matters if you’re putting your sense of joy and happiness into your circumstances. Then, if those circumstances fail to materialize, your whole sense of self is gone.

But what if you put your sense of self and joy and happiness into God’s hands instead?

Matthew 6:19-21

Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moths and vermin destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moths and vermin do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.

Where is your treasure? Or if that question doesn’t resonate, how about this one:

What kind of person do you want to be?

Maturity is taking responsibility for your choices (realizing that your parents, your spouse, your sibling did not “cause” you to have kids; that’s a choice you made); and accepting responsibility for the things in your purview. Indeed, that’s part of a healthy soul, and that’s really the definition of boundaries. We often think of the concept of boundaries as telling us what to say no to, but that’s not all there is to it. Henry Cloud and John Townsend, in their groundbreaking book, specifically showed how saying no to things that aren’t our responsibility allows us to say yes to things that do fall into our realm. A healthy, whole person is one who says “yes” to things they are responsible for.

You are a mom. Those kids are your responsibility. If you want to be a healthy person, then you need to incorporate being a mom into your sense of self.

Find parenting a slog? These may help:

How to Stop Tantrums Before They Start

10 Reasons Women Feel More like a Maid than a Wife and a Mother!

And that brings me to this:

To say “I wish I weren’t a mom” is to say “I wish my kids didn’t exist.”

You can’t say that you love your kids and simultaneously say that you wish you weren’t a mom.

When I was pregnant with my son Christopher, I joined the Down Syndrome Society in Toronto. We didn’t realize that he would die so early; and we were researching early intervention programs to help him. Our doctors also told us it would be good to reach out and get some support early.

About two months after he died, I attended a fundraiser that we had already bought tickets for. There, a mom of a teenage boy with Downs told me “I often wish that my son had passed earlier, like yours did. Don’t get me wrong; I love him. But I often wish he weren’t here.”

That was like a knife to my chest.

I would have given ANYTHING to hold my son for even just five more minutes, and here was this woman telling me that she loved her son, but she wished he wasn’t there. I’m sorry, and maybe I’m too close to this situation, but you have no right to say that you love someone if you simultaneously wish that they didn’t exist. You are lying to yourself.

To say “I wish I weren’t a mom” is to say “I wish my kids didn’t exist.” You can’t say that you love your kids and simultaneously say that you wish you weren’t a mom.Click To Tweet

I know there’s a trend today of parents saying that they regret being parents, and people are applauding them for their honesty, but all I want to say to that is,

“SHUT UP AND GROW UP.”

I know that’s harsh. But you know what? Your child did not choose to be here. You created your child. And your child now needs you. And if you go through life regretting being a mom, even if you never say that out loud, your child will pick up on it subconsciously.

And here’s another thing–we have a tendency to speak these things out in angry moments. If you keep feeding this to your brain–“I wish I weren’t a mom”–then one day, when your children are teenagers, if you’re in an argument with them, it’s quite likely that may come out.

Once you’re a mom, you don’t have the right to regret it. You just don’t. You’re the adult. Your child depends on you not just for food and clothing and shelter, but for that psychological feeling that they are safe, loved, and wanted.

If you want to stop feeling resentment–you have to DECIDE to feel gratitude.

You realize that your feelings have been wrong, and you decide to feed good ones instead. Whatever you focus on expands. Are you focusing on how much you hate being a mom, or are your focusing on gratitude for the people that God gave you to love and to love you back?

And I think some repentance is pretty due here, too. You know what the worst day of my life was? When my son died. For someone to say the worst day of their life is when they found out they were pregnant, when the father was their amazing husband, is just terrible. I know I’m supposed to be comforting to people who write in to me, but I think sometimes we value feelings too much, and we fail to teach people how to be actual good people.

Some things need to be unacceptable.

There isn’t a magical way to get rid of that resentment. There is only work. And that work involves new habits of changing your thoughts. That’s what my book 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage is based on, and I explain how this verse is the key to living a great life:

2 Corinthians 10:5

We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.

When a thought comes into your head about not wanting to be a mom, you replace it with something you’re grateful for–and you say thanks to God about that thing.

Even be proactive about it.

Every morning, as you wake up, thank God for three things about your life (and try to make them different everyday!).
Every night, as you’re going to bed, thank God for three things that happened to you today.

There’s a reason God said, “in everything give thanks.” As we give thanks, we change the thought processes in our brain.

So are you feeding the resentment, or feeding the gratitude? If you want to feed the gratitude, then stop thinking about how your husband doesn’t love you–think about how much he does.

Stop thinking that it’s everyone else’s fault that you became a mom, and start thanking God for all the different parts of your kids that bring you joy.

Stop thinking about how you wanted your life to be, and thank the good Lord that you have an amazing husband, two healthy children, and a great life.

What do you think? How do you stop resentment in your life? Is it okay to resent being a mom? Let’s talk in the comments!

You should also check out:

How to Stop Tantrums Before They Start

10 Ways to Discipline WITHOUT Spanking

10 Reasons Women Feel More like a Maid than a Wife and a Mother!

Sex After Kids: 17 Ways to Make It Happen!

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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 27 years and happily married for 22! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.

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Sheila's Favorite Posts on To Love, Honor and Vacuum:

10 ways to initiate sex
10 Effects of Porn on Your Brain, Marriage, & Sex Life
Why So Much Marriage Advice is So Trite
How can Sex be Hot and Holy at the Same Time?

Check out some of Sheila's Books:

The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex
31 Days to Great Sex
9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage
To Love, Honor, and Vacuum

Check out Sheila's Courses:

The Boost Your Libido Course
The Whole Story: Talking to Your Daughter about Sex, Puberty, and Growing Up
The FREE Emotional Intimacy E-Course

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Published on January 30, 2019 04:06

10 Ideas for Cheap Date Nights that Don’t Feel Cheap

How do you plan a great date night when you’re on a tight budget?

Marriage comes in stages, and for many people there is a long stage where money is tight. But that doesn’t mean you stop having fun together–not at all! Today it’s Rebecca and Joanna on the blog, two millennials still in that starting-out phase of life to chime in with some of their favorite cheap date night ideas.

Let’s go!

This post is brought to you by Hive, an awesome board game we love and are thrilled to be partnered with! All opinions are our own. Enjoy!

Ideas to help you strengthen your friendship

Date night is meant to bring you closer together! So let’s look at a few ideas that will help your friendship grow without breaking the bank!

1. Bring a board game to a pub or games loft

See if there are restaurants, pubs, or games lofts where you can bring one of your favorite games and enjoy with a cup of coffee or an appy to share.

Sheila and Keith have done this a number of times recently, specifically with the game Hive. Hive is sponsoring this post, and we absolutely love their game so here’s a quick run-down of what it’s all about.

Sheila and Keith playing Hive at a local pub night

In the basic Hive game, you have 5 types of pieces:

The Queen Bee, who can move one space;
Beetles, who can move one space, but who can ALSO climb on top of other pieces
Spiders, who can move exactly three;
Grasshoppers, who can jump over any number of pieces in a straight line;
And ants, who can travel around the outside of the hive and go anywhere.

Hive Game for 2 Players: How the pieces move

It’s like chess, and easy to pick up on! If you want to get a more in-depth review, check out the post Sheila did on the Hive game here.

2. Explore nature

When Joanna and her husband go on a date, they’re usually going on a hike. It’s free to do, you can pack some snacks and even some hot drinks in a thermos if it’s cold. It’s great to escape from the hustle of everyday life and just enjoy some time in the outdoors. Many cities have free architecture walking tour guides available, if that’s your jam. There’s also always a nature hike. When we (Joanna and Josiah) lived in Saskatoon, we would walk through our favorite neighborhood and dream about the home we’d want to own someday. Dreaming together made making conversation with my introverted husband easier.

3. Get active!

Grab a basketball and play some one-on-one in a local basketball court. Or grab some tennis rackets and play tennis! But go outside, breathe the fresh air, and have some fun for no cost at all (or minimal if you have to pay to use the court!) Have a competition at a local playground to see who can traverse obstacles the fastest and then recreate your playground kid days by checking out the swing situation. We (Joanna and Josiah) have done this on a number of occasions and it’s always a lot of ridiculous fun.

4. Recreate special memories

Take a walk by the river beside the restaurant of your first date. Do you live in the city where you got married? Take a picnic to where you took your wedding pictures! Bonus marks if you recreate some of them.

Look back on what has special meaning to your story, and revisit those times or places. Pull out photo albums, go through journals you kept when you were first getting to know each other, something to help you go through memory lane and stir up that feeling of nostalgia.

Food-related ideas

But what if you really do want to go out to eat? It’s a treat to go out to eat and it’s really fun to have food you wouldn’t make if you were at home.

5. Get the best you can with the budget you have

Often our approach to a low-budget date is to get the MOST we can with the limited funds we have. Have $35 for dinner? We go to a mid-tier restaurant to get huge portion sizes of food that’s a 3 out of 5.

What Connor and I (Rebecca) enjoy doing, though, is often figuring out, “What’s the BEST we can get with that $35?” We have a cheap meal at home but then maybe go for gourmet coffee and French baked goods at a store around the corner. Often we don’t even use the whole budget, but we feel like we’ve gotten more out of it.

I believe there’s something to be said for quality over quantity when it comes to food. Often date nights revolve around eating, so why not make eating an experience? If you’re willing to make something cheap at home you can often find something amazing to share that takes your date night from feeling on a budget to quite extravagant, even if you spend less money in the end!

6. Check out the restaurants in ethnic neighborhoods in your city

Want a date night with amazing food and atmosphere? Look for restaurants that are really authentic. They’re often cheaper than your mainstream options, and they have better food, too! Plus, these restaurants are often owned by local families instead of larger chains, so you’re supporting your neighbors at the same time–it’s a win-win!

One of the reasons date night gets bland is that we stop pushing ourselves or trying new things. We settle into a comfortable routine. So try some new places, some new types of food, and see what you like!

7. Go for appetizers or dessert instead of dinner

Dinner is expensive. So why not just have it at home? Instead, go somewhere and get some great appetizers to share, and then go home for dinner! Or have your dinner and then go out for that amazing cheesecake you just can’t rationalize getting after you’ve just bought a whole meal.

You get the same atmosphere, you still get out of the house, but it’s much more budget friendly.

Tired of feeling like you're limited by a tight budget? Check out these 10 ideas for a great & out-of-the-box date night that doesn't break the bank!

8. Try breakfast or brunch instead

Skip the Friday night dinner for a Saturday morning brunch! The food is great, the prices are half of what the dinner menu is, and you get to start your weekend off on the right foot by having some fun together. I (Joanna) love going out for breakfast – and it’s a really nice way to start a Saturday morning intentionally. Plus, I figure I wasn’t going to make Eggs Benedict at home, so I’m still getting something out of the ordinary.

Some ideas to help you grow together

Date night doesn’t just need to mean you go out to eat. It’s about connecting; doing something together. Here are some ideas of ways you can spend quality time together in ways that can also nourish your spirit.

9. Babysit for a friend together

Pet-sitting counts, too! Joanna and Josiah are wonderful and will take care of Connor and my dog, Winston, when we need them to in a pinch. They get to laugh at their daughter lunging after the tiny dog, they get outside to go for walks, and also can know that they’re helping out a friend together! (Joanna here – our baby LOVES Winston so it’s a total win for us too! Though when we lived on a farm poor Winston was nearly scared to death by a horse and then tried to out-macho an alpaca… the little guy is still recovering.)

Connor and I love babysitting our little God-daughter together. There’s something really special about working together to make another person’s life easier, even if it just means taking care of a toddler for an evening or two!

If you and your spouse are looking to have kids in the future but haven’t yet, I cannot recommend this “date night” enough! It starts some really important conversations, you get to see the other taking care of a child, and you start to be able to picture yourself as a parent. It’s a really wonderful experience.

(And of course, if you want to get a pet, these kinds of pet-sitting date nights can really help you figure out if it’s actually something you want!)

10. Plan a great scavenger date night with friends!

Date night doesn’t just need to be about you and your spouse–it can also be about pouring into another friend’s marriage. We love the photo scavenger date night idea, and how much more fun if you make it a competition between the couples? Or make it women versus men, maybe! Then end with a picnic or a potluck and see who won!

Your marriage is important, and it’s so important to take time to make it a priority. And if you can use that time to also feed into a friend’s marriage, that’s even better.

What are some of your favorite cheap date night ideas? Let us know in the comments below, we’d love to hear your tips!

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Rebecca Gregoire Lindenbach is a 23-year-old Canadian blogger/author and the daughter of Sheila Wray Gregoire. Married since 2015, she is passionate about helping others challenge the status quo and live for more, whether in their relationships, their educational or occupational goals, or their walks with God. And yes, like her mother, she also knits.

Find Rebecca Here:

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Rebecca's Website

Other posts by Rebecca on To Love, Honor and Vacuum:

Retraining Your Brain to Fantasize about HIM--And No One Else!
Should it be a Struggle to Not Have Sex Before You’re Married?
10 of the Best Decisions You Can Make in Your First Year of Marriage
How To Not Be a Legalistic Parent
Why I Didn't Rebel (my most viral post ever)

Read the rest of Rebecca's posts on TLHV here!

Check out Rebecca's book and course:

Why I Didn't Rebel. Ever wondered why some kids rebel and some don't? Or do you believe rebellion is inevitable? Rebecca interviewed 25 young adults and dove into psychology research to find out: what makes some kids rebel, and some stay on the straight-and-narrow?
The Whole Story: Not-So-Scary Talks about Sex, Puberty, and Growing Up. Scared to talk to your daughter about puberty? Rebecca and her sister Katie want to do the hard part for you. This course is designed to start conversations to bring you closer together and strengthen your mother-daughter bond while giving your daughter all the information she needs as she becomes a woman.

Teenage rebellion doesn't need to be a part of your family's story. You can help your kids live for more! Get the first chapter of Why I Didn't Rebel for free here!

About Joanna

More from Joanna

Joanna SawatskyJoanna is a 20-something who has been married for 5 years. She's an infertility patient-turned-mommy, a Yankee-turned-Canuk, but she'll never lose her love for her hometown Pittsburgh Steelers. You'll find her sipping coffee and playing with her angora rabbit while reading theology books with the baby most afternoons. She's got a Masters in Public Health and a bizarre love for statistical graphs.

Some other posts from Joanna:

When It's Hard to Rejoice with Those Who Rejoice
Why We Need Community

View more on Sheila Wray Gregoire's website »

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Published on January 29, 2019 04:00

Should You Marry Someone Who Uses Porn?

If your fiance watches porn--should you still marry him?

What should you do if your fiance watches porn?

Quite frankly, Porn destroys marriage.

It rewires the brain so that what becomes arousing is an image, rather than a person. And it distorts people’s sexuality, so that we concentrate solely on the physical aspects of sex, and not on the emotional and spiritual connection. Not just that, but it can make us very selfish lovers, too. And so on this blog I’ve spoken out quite a bit about the negative effects of pornography (and against the female version of porn as well).

Probably because of that I receive plenty of emails from women whose boyfriends are addicted to porn, or who are engaged to guys who watch porn, and one common theme I get is, “should I marry my boyfriend if he uses porn?” Because I get so many of these, I thought it may be useful to write the answer in a post.

When I receive emails from women whose marriages are in turmoil, 90% of the time that trouble was brewing even during their engagement. They saw warning signs but they ignored them. So you have to beware of red flags when you’re engaged (or dating!) Just because you’re dating or engaged does not mean that you need to go through with a wedding if you feel reservations. Listen to God about it. Pray hard. And if you don’t feel peace, don’t do it.

But at the same time, I don’t think porn use should NECESSARILY mean that you call off the wedding.

It’s really a matter of the heart.

In my surveys for The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, I found that around two-thirds of men (and one quarter of women) admitted to seeking out porn in the past, including a majority of pastors. So just because people have sought out porn does not mean that they will be horrible husbands. Lots of people have looked at porn, repented, and then tried to stop.

There is a world of difference between someone who is tempted but who has fought the temptation and someone who has consistently given into that temptation and doesn’t feel like there’s anything wrong with it.

Here, for instance, are two letters, both of which have fiances who use porn. But I would have very different responses to the women writing. Letter #1:

We will be getting married next year but I find it hard to process that my fiance watches porn. He confessed to me when we dated about his struggle but about how he’s tried stopping & desires to stop. We pray, fast, & talked to our pastor. It hurts so bad because in the time we’ve been together he’s viewed some things and i feel so betrayed. i know he’s a good man and he fears God & this is a learned behavior from his childhood that has gotten him addicted. He doesn’t practice it often but in times of weakness he gives into it.

So what do we learn about her fiance?

He’s struggled since childhood (which is quite common. A lot of guys are exposed to porn when they are so young, and they don’t have enough maturity to turn it off. And they fall into a downward spiral).
He confessed to his fiancee and he willingly told his pastor.
He is willing to pray about it, to fast about it, and to try to stop.
He still struggles and sometimes falls.

Here’s a man who is dedicated to stopping. He doesn’t want to be in bondage. And he is allowing others to hold him accountable.

Here’s Letter #2:

I’m really worried and I don’t know what to do. When I was playing around on my fiance’s computer recently, I found a bunch of porn sites. I confronted him about it but he told me I was crazy and that it must have been a virus or his roommate or something. Meanwhile he will never let me see his phone, and he won’t let me on his computer anymore. He doesn’t like to have long conversations, and all he ever seems to want to do is make out. I really love him, but I’m worried that he has a porn addiction.

This letter sends up major red flags to me.

He doesn’t admit he has a problem.
He’s secretive.
He turns her questions back on her, instead of dealing with them.
He seems to have an unhealthy obsession with sex.

If your boyfriend will not let you see his computer history or his phone, then that’s a problem.

Yes, we all need a little privacy, but before you make a decision to cement your life together with someone, you need to make sure that your boyfriend is who he says he is. And if he won’t let you see his phone, and is defensive if you ask him about porn, that’s a major warning sign.

If a your boyfriend doesn’t watch porn, he should be able to show you his phone. A guy who isn’t into porn will say to you, “I really wouldn’t do that to you, but I want you to trust me. I don’t want you to have doubts. So if you need to look at my computer to put your mind at ease, go ahead.” A guy who won’t admit that you may have a reason to worry is likely someone who would give you a reason to worry.

I find other red flags in this email, too–he isn’t interested in sharing his heart, for instance. But I do believe that a man who uses porn before he is married, and who is not honest about it and does not think that it is a big deal, is one who will continue to use it once he is married. And things ALWAYS deteriorate from there. If you want to read a great book on how to find these red flags when you’re thinking about who to marry, Gary Thomas’ Sacred Search is excellent!

So many teen boys have been exposed to porn that to eliminate anyone as a potential mate who is tempted by it or who has sought it out is to likely eliminate 90% of the young male population. And let’s not forget that everybody struggles with something, and God is big enough to help those who earnestly seek Him to get over these temptations. The key, though, is that the guy must earnestly seek Him. If your boyfriend watches porn, or has watched porn in the past, and is earnestly seeking help and is admitting he has a problem, he is likely on the road to recovery. On the other hand, a man who watches porn but does not humble himself before God will likely fall even further. A fiance who will not admit that it is wrong and will not willingly enter into some kind of accountability partnership with another guy is a danger sign.

In short: if your fiance has watched porn, what matters now is the heart and the attitude.

If your fiance has watched porn but is repentant, determined to stay pure, and dedicated to accountability, that’s good. If your fiance watches porn now and covers up sin, that isn’t.

And I’d also direct people back to a column I wrote a while ago: the four things you need in a husband. One of those things: you must be able to pray with him. If you can pray about temptations with your fiance, he’s likely a good guy. If you can’t pray with him, I’d tread very, very carefully.

What do the rest of you say? Have any of you had experience with a boyfriend who watches porn? Let us know!

My book, The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, has a section on how to find healing after porn use, whether it was the guy who used porn or the girl. It looks like at how to experience real intimacy when making love, even if your view of sex has been distorted. There is hope!

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Published on January 28, 2019 05:15

Choices Successful Couples Make: They Face their “Unspoken Truths”

When your marriage starts to go in a downhill spiral because you both feel neglected and misunderstood, can you reverse that spiral?

I think you can. And today I want to share with you some insight from Dr. Ron Welch from his new book 10 Choices Successful Couples Make: The Secret to Love That Lasts a Lifetime.

Last week we were looking at how the book Love & Respect made problems between couples worse because instead of encouraging open communication and dialogue, it told women to be silent about their concerns. And many of you asked me for other books that taught families to handle things in a healthier manner.

When Revell publishers approached me about talking about their book, I took a look to see Dr. Welch’s perspective. I really appreciated what he said about how to get out of that downward spiral, and I thank Revell for sponsoring this post. All 10 of his chapters are great, but I want to focus today on his chapter that successful couples confront “unspoken truths”. There’s a lot of wisdom here, and I’m going to walk you through the story of Luke and Laura as he shared it, and then see how they stopped that downward spiral.

But first, let me lay the groundwork. Dr. Welch talks about how We develop these “unspoken truths” because of ways that our spouses may have disappointed us in the past. But then we start changing our behaviours and attitudes because of those truths, and they start to be the building blocks around which our marriage culture is formed.

You’ve probably got some unspoken truths, too:

He’d rather spend time with friends than with me.
He cares more about success at work than he does about the family.
She loves the kids way more than she loves me.
She’s only with me because of my paycheque.

They may form because of how our spouse has acted, combined with our own insecurities, but when we start to believe them, they become reality in our marriage.

So let me introduce you to Luke and Laura, whose story Dr. Welch tells in this chapter.

Luke and Laura got married just as Luke was starting medical school and working long hours. Laura was a teacher and loved working with kids. Early in her career, her teaching kept her busy, but she still noticed how much Luke was gone.

Laura’s unspoken truth: He might care more about work than me, but I’m probably overreacting.

She also had questions about his free time. How does he find time to play basketball with his buddies when he says he is too busy to go out on a date with me?

Laura’s unspoken truth: He cares more about his friends than me.

If she ever brought this up, Luke would talk about how stressful work was and how he needed to let off steam. He always had a good explanation, and she usually let it go.

Luke’s unspoken truth: She doesn’t understand how hard I work. I just need some place to let off steam. I am beginning to think Laura is pretty needy sometimes.

Their relationship problems were compounded by the pressure they had allowed to become “their life.” The pressures of finances, jobs, children, and social expectations were overwhelming.

Luke and Laura’s unspoken truth: We have to do everything. Our life is running us, and we have no control over what we do.

Dr. Ron Welch

10 Choices Successful Couples Make

When this couple first came to him for counselling, they looked like the model family. He had a successful medical career. He played in a local basketball league. Laura was a teacher, but she dedicated her time and energy to her kids, volunteering at various activities. But they were miserable and growing increasingly distant.

To be honest, Luke was operating at almost maximum capacity. He was seeing a full load of patients every week, trying to stay in shape with exercise and eating well, and working hard to find some time most days to see his kids, even though he was tired after work. In one session, he said, “I just don’t have much energy left for Laura. I know that’s not right, but it’s true.” From his standpoint, if he had to sacrifice something, it would have to be time with her, as cutting back on work, not staying in shape, and not seeing the kids were simply not options.

Luke’s unspoken truth: If I have to give up time with her to handle work and my other responsibilities, Laura should understand…

What about Laura? She was trying to be Supermom by working a full-time job, taking care of the kids and the house, and being a part of her community and church. The phrase we’ve all heard before is “You can have it all!”

Laura’s unspoken truth: I can do it all—work, kids, marriage, church. I can handle it!

As the years went by, it became more and more clear that this was simply not true. Laura had to make choices, and not everyone placing demands on her could have everything they wanted. Laura had passed up some of the promotions and honors she could have received at work, choosing to miss important meetings so that she could take the kids to ballet or karate lessons.

Laura’s unspoken truth: I gave up opportunities in my career for our family. Luke should do the same. I don’t think he puts our family first like I do.

Dr. Ron Welch

10 Choices Successful Couples Make

As they started counselling and dug deeper, Dr. Welch realized that they were working with two very different set of assumptions about what marriage was about and what the goals in their lives were. I really related to a lot of this story, since my husband is a doctor and we struggled with his long hours early in our marriage, too!

Are you and your husband operating under different assumptions about what your marriage is? Voice your unspoken truths!Click To Tweet

Laura’s model of marriage, in contrast to Luke’s, was based on the belief that she was supposed to take care of her family and put their needs before her own. If she wanted to do something but one of the kids needed to go to a dance rehearsal or a soccer practice, she almost always put off what she wanted to do. She thought, As long as the family is happy, that is what matters most, right?

Laura’s unspoken truth: I have to sacrifice for my family. That is my job.

If Luke got upset over something, she attributed it to the fact that he had so much on his plate and was working so hard, and she let it go. Sure, he seemed to overreact at times and could be pretty critical. But how could she complain about that when he had just worked twelve hours at the clinic and visited three patients in the hospital after that? Whenever she did get up the courage to mention something, he would say, “But you knew what you were signing up for when you married a doctor, didn’t you?” She couldn’t argue with that.

Laura’s unspoken truth: No matter what the cost to the family, his desire to be a doctor trumps anything I or the kids might need.

Dr. Ron Welch

10 Choices Successful Couples Make

Yep. Totally am sympathetic to Laura’s last unspoken truth. I still remember when Keith was called away from Katie’s second birthday party because there was no doctor on call, and a shaken baby who was dying had just come in to the ER. How could we compete with that? He had to go. (And he really did, too).

He took them through an exercise discovering these unspoken truths, and then asked them to see marriage differently.

I asked them to consider whether changing their model of marriage to one in which they thought of their partner first might transform their relationship.

The primary change I suggested to Luke and Laura was that they focus on understanding how to meet the other’s needs rather than prioritizing their own needs. Initially, they were somewhat confused by this request.

Laura responded by saying, “Are you kidding me? All I do is try to meet his needs. I have put him before myself our entire marriage. Look where that’s gotten us!”

Luke, for his part, was pretty resistant to the idea as well. “Dr. Welch, I am not a selfish guy. I’m working my tail off seventy hours a week to provide for my family and take care of everything they need. How can you say I’m putting my own needs first?”

After some pretty direct confrontation, Luke began to admit that he wasn’t working hard just to provide for his family. In fact, he was making more than enough money. Much of what he was doing was to further his career and reputation. Sure, being a doctor required a lot of time, but he was averaging about eleven to twelve hours a day and was on call many weekends.

Dr. Ron Welch

10 Choices Successful Couples Make

He taught Luke where his desire to succeed and his feeling that “real men work hard” came from. I appreciated him leading Luke to see that he actually was choosing to work 70 hours a week; no one was making him do that, and it wasn’t necessary. He realized it was a choice.

And then he spoke to Laura:

We spent time talking about how Laura had come to believe that sacrifice and servanthood were the expectations of a good wife. Laura learned that if she never set boundaries and did not let Luke know what her needs were, there was no way he could work to help her get her needs met. She began to realize that she did not have to give up every time they had a difference of opinion. She discovered that when she used her voice and shared with Luke, he was amazingly supportive and willing to compromise.

Dr. Ron Welch

10 Choices Successful Couples Make

They found intimacy again because they realized that they did have some control over their lives.

They were each making choices, and they could choose to make different ones. Laura could choose to open up about her needs. Luke could choose to own up to his own choices about work, and prioritize family. And that’s what stopped the downhill spiral.

What I’ve found listening to marriages is that the problems often sound so complex, like it’s a cascade, where one thing causes another thing and soon it’s all so complex and interwoven it’s hard to untangle it all. But that’s what you have to do. Go back to the beginning and ask, “why did we start acting like this?”

He has a great self-assessment tool in this chapter couples can take to try to discover their “unspoken truths” and face them. And he has many other tools in the book, too, to help you make other choices successful couples make–choices like choosing to be intimate; choosing not to take each other for granted; choosing the “us” model of marriage rather than being selfish; choosing to let go of old baggage, and more.

Pick it up now!

Let me know–did you ever have “unspoken truths” that held you back? How did you confront them? Let’s talk in the comments!

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Published on January 25, 2019 04:55

PODCAST: Life Rushes By, Handling Video Games, and more!

Is life just passing you by?

Our third podcast is now live! And it’s available everywhere you normally listen to podcasts–iTunes, Google Play, Stitcher, etc. Today we’re covering video game use, living a big life, and even how to rebuild trust after an affair. Listen in!

I know that not all of you like to listen to podcasts, and some of you like to read more. So I’m going to link to some of the resources that I talk about on the podcast, and try to do a bit of a summary!

Main Segment: Is Life Just Passing You By?

I talked in the segment this week about seeing this poinsettia when we were on vacation in Costa Rica last month:

It was huge. It was beautiful. It was amazing.

Very unlike those spindly poinsettias that we buy around Christmastime! It shows what can happen when something is given the best conditions to grow in.

I think our lives are a lot like that. God has works prepared in advance for us to do (Ephesians 2:10). He wants us to live a full life! But we can miss out on that if we spend our life on time wasters.

I’d invite you to read this post on how we often spend our lives:

From Let's Talk Time Wasters: Video Games, Netflix, and More!

Why do we spend so much time on time wasters?

I think we do it because we want an escape. We lead lives that are exhausting, that aren’t always fulfilling, and we want a chance to forget.

But if your basic problem is that your life isn’t that fulfilling, because you’re chronically lonely, or you feel as if you’re not doing what you’re called to do, or your relationships aren’t on track, then wasting time won’t fix the problem. It will only make your problem worse. And a spiral will begin, where your reality deteriorates, and so you want to escape even more.

I want to encourage you to spend time on things that are important, not just urgent! Take a look at the time waster post for some great graphs and ideas.

Millennial Marriage: Let’s Talk Video Games!

My daughter Rebecca and son-in-law Connor recorded this week’s millennial marriage about video games. Connor’s played video games for most of his post-adolescent life, and he’s got them in good balance right now. So they talked about how that happened in their marriage.

Reader Question: I’m a Newlywed, and I Have the Higher Sex Drive!

One woman wrote in and said that she was surprised to find after she got married that she was the one with the higher sex drive. We always talk as if it’s the guy who wants sex more, but that’s not always the case at all (as I talked about in my review of how Love & Respect treated sex).

You need to find out the reasons that he may have a lower libido, but remember that it could simply be that you’re both on different end of the bell curves!

10 Things Higher Sex Drive Wives Need to Know

Why Doesn’t My Husband Want to Make Love?

Reader Comment: How Can You Say that Love & Respect Didn’t Focus on Jesus?

I had a great comment by a woman saying that when she read Love & Respect, it was full of stuff about Jesus and full of Bible verses, so how can I say it wasn’t Jesus-centered?

Great question, and I’m glad I had the chance to answer it. Basically, we can make ANYTHING sound like it’s gospel truth when we just pick verses. The key is asking, “does the whole of Scripture support this interpretation”? And also, “what is the result of this advice in my life and other people’s lives?” Because we know that Jesus wants us looking more and more like Him, and wants us pointing other people to Him. If the way we’re acting results in enabling other people’s sin, selfishness, or disrespect, then that advice is not Jesus-centered, no matter how good it may seem.

The sum of that argument is really in these two posts:

Another Way to Look at It:

What Does It Mean to Obey Like Sarah?

Women: Follow Jesus First!

That’s what we talked about this week! I hope you have a chance to listen in. And if you’re still struggling with the Love & Respect series (I’m still getting a ton of comments coming in!), a great resource for another way of looking at our walk with Christ in our marriage is 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage.

Are you PeaceKEEPING or PeaceMAKING?

There’s a huge difference between the two. And if you don’t get it right–you’ll never be able to feel truly intimate in your marriage.

There’s a better way!

Take me to it!

Join me next week when I’ll be focusing on whether our thoughts are holding us back. And I’ll be kind of going off on another rant, too!

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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 27 years and happily married for 22! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.

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Sheila's Favorite Posts on To Love, Honor and Vacuum:

10 ways to initiate sex
10 Effects of Porn on Your Brain, Marriage, & Sex Life
Why So Much Marriage Advice is So Trite
How can Sex be Hot and Holy at the Same Time?

Check out some of Sheila's Books:

The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex
31 Days to Great Sex
9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage
To Love, Honor, and Vacuum

Check out Sheila's Courses:

The Boost Your Libido Course
The Whole Story: Talking to Your Daughter about Sex, Puberty, and Growing Up
The FREE Emotional Intimacy E-Course

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Published on January 24, 2019 05:05

Is Your Husband Spending too Much Time Playing Video Games?

Are video games stealing your husband–and your marriage?

One of the things I really wanted to talk about this January, as we start a new year, is how the habits we have can stop us from living a big life. I shared this picture of a poinsettia that I saw in Costa Rica last month. It’s huge. It’s vibrant. All because it has the right conditions to flourish.

But many of us are living much smaller lives because we’re letting things steal our time and energy. And one of the biggest causes of that can be video game addiction.

I thought that rather than write this post myself, I’d ask my son-in-law Connor to write it. Connor’s been dealing with finding a healthy balance with video games as he reached adulthood, and it’s something that many of his friends face, too. Tomorrow on our podcast he and Rebecca (his wife; my daughter) will be sharing his personal story and how they dealt with it in their marriage, but here are his thoughts about why video games can be so alluring, how to know when it’s become a problem, and what to do if it has.

Here’s Connor:

There was a time when video games were for kids, just as nerf guns, comic books, and Lego were.

But those kids grew up. Now we have college students engaging in nerf wars, 30-year old comic enthusiasts still growing their collections, and savvy traders making more profit than gold-investors by buying and selling limited edition Lego sets. I myself got a small Lego set at a gift-exchange this Christmas, and within 20 minutes of getting home, it was assembled and proudly displayed on my work desk.

The video game industry in particular has done an excellent job of evolving over time to keep its audience engaged even as that audience aged and matured, becoming professionals, spouses, and parents.

I am a husband, and have loved playing good video games since I was 12, but life changed as I grew up. As a kid, playing video games for 6 hours straight every day was a big no-no because there were other things I COULD be doing. Now as an adult with more freedom and responsibility, it’s an ever bigger no-no because there are other things I SHOULD be doing. Nevertheless, I have seen plenty of cases of grown men neglecting important elements of their lives and marriages thanks to excessive video game use.

So how can you tell when your husband is gaming too much, and what can we do about it? Allow me to share some thoughts.

I want to start by asserting that video games are not inherently unhealthy in moderation.

They are designed to be fun and enjoyable, and can be an excellent way to recover some mental and emotional energy after a long day. There are some games out there that contain objectionable content and promote harmful messages, but they are in the minority and can generally be recognized from a distance.

Modern psychological research is also pointing to a number of surprising benefits of playing video games. Just like knitting, piano, soccer, and other hobbies, it develops certain mental and physical skills and capabilities.

But video games don’t do it all.

Not even close, really. Aside from providing fun, building visual-attentive skills, and making you a better laparoscopic surgeon, they don’t actively contribute much to your life.

Making money, staying healthy, getting involved in your community, and nurturing important relationships (especially with your spouse and with God) are all things that require time out of your schedule. It’s one thing to fit video games into gaps in that schedule. It’s another to clear your calendar so you can dedicate more time to gaming.

Tune in to the To Love, Honor and Vacuum podcast tomorrow to hear Connor and Rebecca talk about their journey with video games! Listen to it wherever you find your podcasts!

How do you know if your husband’s gaming is a problem?

There is no official diagnosis of video game addiction. You can’t open up a psychology book, go through a checklist, and then tell your husband he is officially addicted (Actually, you can’t do that for ANY disorder without a license, but you get my point). Instead, you should focus on two criteria.

Firstly, if the amount that your husband plays games is directly having a negative impact on his quality of life, or the quality of your marriage, there is a problem. This includes health, finances, job performance, and emotional state.

Secondly, (and this one often goes overlooked) if your husband wants to stop or cut back, but finds himself unable to, there is a problem. I strongly believe that this applies to a lot more than just video games. When a person no longer wants to do something but continues to do it of their own volition over and over again, that behaviour has an unhealthy hold over their heart.

So what do you do about a husband playing video games too much?

Many of you may have a husband who is perfectly capable of putting aside video games when there is something else he knows he should be doing. The problem is that he doesn’t think of what else he should be doing. This is the husband who doesn’t see the dishes piling up on the counter. The husband who doesn’t notice the kids are hyper and could use a walk to the park. The husband who has been meaning to make a doctor’s appointment for a month, but only remembers when he is too busy to make the call.

If this sounds like your husband, you don’t necessarily have a lazy man on your hands. Just one who isn’t very conscientious. What’s the solution? Clear expectations.

Lay out ahead of time what you need from him. Ask if he can shovel the driveway at some point before you need to leave. Remind him about that call to his parents he should make. Let him know you would like to spend an hour or so with him before bed, etc. And if there are no more expectations of him after he gets x, y, and z done, let him know that too! When he can see all of the pieces of the rest of his day, he can make the decision of how they fit together. He can accomplish what is required and game without guilt.

Remember though, you are neither his secretary nor his mother.

It is not your responsibility to plan out his whole day every day for him. As part of the process of laying out expectations, there can be a conversation about things that he is expected to be responsible for. For example, you might agree that if one of you cooks dinner, the other one does the dishes and puts away the food once dinner is finished. Maybe he is responsible for reading the kids their bedtime story. Maybe he plans out at least half an hour of time spent together each day. Chances are, neither of you want you to have to micromanage your husband’s life, so a little structure can go a long way.

For more tips on splitting up household chores, check out these posts:

Top 10 Principles for Splitting Household Chores with Your Husband

Who Does What Housework? The Benefits of Specialization

What about when the problem is more extreme?

What if you can’t tear your husband away from the screen? What if he is playing games with disturbing, sexual content? What if games are winding him up, making him agitated, or even sending him into depression? What if important areas of his life are being willfully neglected? What if YOU are being neglected? You need to make sure he is aware of how his obsessive gaming is harming his life, and how it is harming you. If he is neglecting the family’s needs in order to partially satisfy his own through gaming, that is being selfish. Plain and simple.

This is not a fun conversation to have, but we have some posts that can help you:

My Husband Refuses to Talk About Important Stuff

The One Big Trick to Resolving Marriage Problems

10 Ways to Talk So Your Husband Will Hear

When Your Husband Doesn’t Understand: Is It Your Problem or His?

Find out why he plays games. Figure out what can replace them

People who play games excessively are generally using games to satisfy some need in their life that they feel is unmet. If you can figure out what this need is, you can work with him to find a more fulfilling and satisfying activity.

If he plays a lot of online games and first person shooters he might be craving that feeling of developing and demonstrating his skill over other people. It could also be the social aspect, or even a blend of the two.

If he likes role-playing games, or games that are heavily number and stat based, he probably likes being able to see clear and quantifiable improvement in what he does.

Maybe he likes large open world games for the feeling of exploration and wonder, or maybe he likes story-focused games for the engaging narrative.

As you can see, there are a lot of different reasons someone could get hooked on video games, and that knowledge is a tool you can use. You can connect him with friends who are interested in doing non-video-game activities together. You can look for more constructive activities and creative outlets to satisfy the unmet need he is chasing. Possibly something you can do together. Maybe you try traveling more, or even just getting out for a hike now and then.

Games are designed from the ground up with the help of psychologists to be as rewarding and motivating as possible. So if you want to free someone who is obsessed with of video games, you need to make motivation work for you.

If that’s not enough…

If he is completely resistant to giving up or cutting back on video games, or he is open to the idea but can’t seem to break away, it may be time to get help.

We can’t always solve all of our problems by ourselves. It is okay to seek support and guidance from your community, and from licensed counselors. If an obsession with video games, or any other habit, is disrupting your life and your marriage, please do not be afraid to look for professional counseling. Your problem is not too small. Your pain is not too trivial. God wants something greater for both you and your husband, so you owe it to yourselves and God to work at it.

Tune in tomorrow to the To Love, Honor and Vacuum podcast when Rebecca and Connor share in the Millennial Marriage segment about their personal story with finding balance with video games!