Sheila Wray Gregoire's Blog, page 87

10 Questions to Ask a Biblical Counsellor to Make Sure They’re Safe

Is a biblical counsellor a good option when you need help with your marriage?

Rebecca and I were talking on our podcast a few weeks ago about why biblical counsellors might be more likely to be dangerous when you need help.

I’m not saying Christian counsellors are dangerous. I’m saying “biblical” counsellors (it’s an actual term referring to a particular counselling model) may pose a problem.

Usually when we see counsellors we’re seeing one of two different types:

A licensed counsellor who has received at least two years of professional training at a government accredited university, has undergone an internship, and has a professional license. That license obligates them to operate under certain conditions, including keeping confidentiality. That counsellor may also be a Christian.
A biblical counsellor who may or may not have very much training, and who operates under the belief that all one needs to be healthy is the Bible. Sometimes they do have a postgraduate degree as well, but it is in “biblical counselling” and they are not accredited or licensed with any government-recognized entity (but only “biblical counselling” organizations). Many large churches have “biblical counsellors” on staff. They do not belong to any governing school (such as the school of psychotherapy or social work) and so can not be held accountable for what they say or do in counselling situations.

(Sometimes you may see a person on staff at a church in a counselling role who isn’t accredited but who also wouldn’t call themselves a “biblical” counsellor.)

I’ve seen licensed, Christian counsellors several times in my life, and they’ve been amazing. Once was early in our marriage when we were dealing with vaginismus. Another time it was several years after our son’s death when we just had a lot of things to process. They gave us great exercises, helped us process hard things, and prayed with us. Even though we didn’t see “biblical” counsellors, we received very Christian, godly, and biblical help.

Why do people see “biblical” counsellors and not accredited, licensed counsellors?

Often it’s a matter of money. Many churches have biblical counsellors on staff, and then allow you to pay on a sliding scale. Most licensed counsellors work in their own practice, and most charge over $100 an hour. So sometimes people just simply can’t afford a licensed therapist.

Other times a biblical counsellor has been recommended to you, or there are no licensed counsellors who are also Christian in your area, and  you don’t feel comfortable going to someone who isn’t a believer.

Why it’s important to understand the limitations of a biblical counsellor

Those who ascribe to the biblical counselling model often adopt a worldview where mental illness does not have a biological basis–instead, it’s either spiritual attack, spiritual weakness or sin. Thus, they downplay the reality of depression or other mental illnesses.

In addition, many ascribe to a view of marriage which says that divorce is wrong for any reason. Because of this, they often downplay the reality of abuse, or misunderstand the dynamics of abuse, and can make marriages where abuse is present worse.

Finally, biblical counsellors may downplay the role of trauma in a person’s psychological well-being, instead blaming most problems on sin and/or spiritual weakness. Here’s an in-depth (but sad) account of the failures of biblical counseling from a child sexual assault survivor that shows how too often the Bible is used as a weapon, rather than a tool, in this counseling framework.

If you are going to see a biblical counsellor, you should do your homework first!

Whenever you’re seeing someone who does not have a professional license you need to be careful, because you don’t have normal protections. When licenses are involved, if someone’s unethical, or practices their job very poorly, they can lose their job. Where there are no licenses, there’s not the same repercussions for bad counselling.

You’ll be telling this person your deepest thoughts and fears. This person will be giving you advice about your biggest, most important relationships. And they’ll be doing this when you’re the most vulnerable.

That’s why, before you start counselling, it’s important to advocate for yourself. I know it’s awkward, but I’m going to suggest 10 questions to ask to make sure the counsellor is safe. Some biblical counsellors may be dangerous, but many are highly gifted and insightful, and didn’t get their professional, licensed qualifications simply because they didn’t have the time or the money. And many simply preferred to go the biblical counselling route.

If they are good counsellors, they will welcome these questions, because their aim will be to establish a good rapport with you and to genuinely help you. 

If they are dangerous counsellors, they will resent these questions, because they believe that they possess special knowledge of how counselling should work. They see this as a power relationship where you must obey them, rather than as a professional relationship. If they balk at you even asking questions, then it’s a good idea to run away!

Here are 10 questions to ask a biblical counsellor (or any counsellor) before you start counselling.

To put these together, I googled “biblical counsellors” and found a very large church near me that offers biblical counsellors to its members. The church had a web page describing its counselling, and a consent form to fill out before counselling. I’m going to use both of those resources to show you why these questions are important.

I’m not naming the church because the problem is not this particular church; it’s actually very typical of most biblical counselling I’ve seen. So here we go!

1. What is your education?

How long was their course in counselling? Was it done at an accredited university? Do they have a license?

This church’s website says:

We are not licensed counsellors, therapists, psychiatrists or psychologists.
We are trained, biblical counsellors.
Our counsel is based solely on God’s Word, which is sufficient to handle any issue of life.

These disclaimers mean that there is no licensing body that can enforce any professional standards. It also means that they reject most psychiatric and psychological theories, even if those have great research weight behind them, because they feel that the Bible is all they need. Personally, I think the Holy Spirit is what we need, and the Holy Spirit will guide us to wisdom that will help–and some of that wisdom will be gleaned through modern research, just as medical breakthroughs are often gleaned through modern research.

2. Can you tell me what your policies are for confidentiality?

Because biblical counsellors aren’t accredited, they don’t have the same obligations to maintain confidentiality that licensed therapists do. In addition, many times when you see a biblical counsellor at a church, you’re required to sign a document that there may be times that the counsellor will have to talk to the leadership of the church about you.

To sign a document that permits a counsellor to share information with the pastors and elders at the counsellor’s discretion is very dangerous and ill-advised.

This church gives 5 reasons the counsellor may break confidentiality:

When there is a clear indication that someone may be harmed unless others intervene.
When required to report a crime, as mandated by Law.
In discussions with a physician, previous counselor, counselors and/or your advocate, for the sole purpose of gaining information for your care, or to help in follow up and after care.
When a counselor is uncertain of how to address a particular problem and needs to seek advice and wisdom from another staff member or elder, we will make every effort to be sensitive to your situation.
When a person persistently refuses to renounce a particular sin and it becomes necessary to seek the assistance of others in the church to encourage repentance and reconciliation. (see Proverbs 15:22, 24:11, Matthew 18:15-20)

The first two are no problem–even licensed counselors break confidentiality for these reasons.

But let’s look at the others.

First, no physician should EVER share information with your counsellor without your written permission. But this says that the church can also contact your previous counsellor. If your previous counsellor was not licensed, and is not bound by confidentiality, and you had a bad experience with them, your current counsellor can still go behind your back and talk to that counsellor. Not good.

Second, they can break confidentiality if the counsellor needs help. There’s nothing here, though, that says they will keep your identity private when they do so (only that they will be sensitive).

The most concerning condition, though, is the last one: the counselor may report to others if you’re in persistent sin. But what constitutes persistent sin? What if you refuse to reconcile with a husband who has been addicted to porn and the counselor tells you to? In 2015, The Village Church put Karen Hinkley under church discipline because she refused to reconcile with her husband who was addicted to child pornography (the church later apologized when the story hit the national press).

3. What makes you different from a non-biblical counsellor?

Listen to their reasons for pursuing biblical counselling instead of going the accredited route.

This document states:

We believe that the Bible provides thorough guidance and instruction for faith and life; therefore, our counseling is based on Scriptural principles rather than those of secular psychology or psychiatry.

Ask if they can give an example of secular psychiatry and psychology that they reject. Do they accept the concept of mental illness? Of boundaries? Of cognitive behavioural therapy?

4. What role do you think demons play in psychological disorders? What is your opinion on the use of antidepressants or other psychiatric medications?

We know that the evil one does plague people and causes confusion, doubt, and depression. But sometimes we do that to ourselves, too, and sometimes we have biological imbalances in the brain that also do that. If you see everything as a demonic attack, and reject any other causes of psychological disorders, then that is a red flag. As my assistant Joanna said:

Some people, when I talk about my intrusive thoughts, will say, “that’s Satan, Joanna” and I think, “maybe a little? But mostly my brain doesn’t work right…”

If the counsellor does not believe that medications should ever be used, that is also a red flag. Perhaps you are not dealing with an issue that would ever require medication, but this belief that all problems are spiritual attacks or spiritual weaknesses and never biological does mean that the counsellor can have tunnel vision when it comes to the issues that you’re dealing with, especially anxiety or depression.

5. Do I have your blessing to follow the advice of other professionals?

The document further goes on:

If you have significant legal, financial, medical or other technical questions, you should seek advice from an independent professional. None of our counselors are licensed professionals. Our ministry staff and lay counselors will be happy to cooperate with such advisors and help you to consider their counsel in the light of relevant scriptural principles.

What is meant by that last bit: “help you to consider their counsel in the light of relevant scriptural principles”?

What this means is that if you see a lawyer because your husband is abusive, and you want to protect the kids, the church may encourage  you to reject the lawyer’s advice because they believe that abuse does not constitute a valid reason for divorce. Or if you see a psychiatrist who wants to put you on some medication, they may tell you to stop because it isn’t scriptural. By saying that they will be happy to help you consider the advice of the other counselors in light of relevant scriptural principles, they’re putting themselves ABOVE those other professionals, and may put you under discipline if you decide to heed the counsel of another professional (and this may constitute ‘persistent sin’ in the confidentiality clause above).

6. What is your definition of submission in marriage? What should a wife do if she feels that her husband is ignoring her legitimate needs?

If you are going to a counsellor for marriage issues, you need to make sure that the counsellor’s aim is that everyone’s legitimate needs are being met, rather than simply trying to maintain a hierarchy in marriage.

Especially since this document states that they will go to the church leadership if you are in “persistent sin”, please ensure that they don’t classify trying to draw good boundaries in marriage with your husband as being in sin.

Like this post? You may also appreciate:

Are You a Spouse or an Enabler?

When Your Husband Won’t Change: Is this the Last Straw?

7. Can you tell me a time when you’ve recommended that someone leave a marriage? If there hasn’t been such a time, when would you recommend that?

I’m all for keeping marriages together. But I also know that some marriages cannot be saved, and that requiring a spouse to stay in a marriage with an abusive or addictive spouse is not fair or right.

However, some biblical counsellors would never advise separation or divorce. If this is the case, then they are not safe to go to if you are having marriage difficulties. Even if you are not considering of divorce or separation, you need to see a counsellor who is primarily concerned for your safety.

8. What do you think emotional abuse is? Can you tell me an example of an emotionally abusive relationship?

Even if you do not think you are not dealing with emotional abuse in your marriage, find out if the counsellor believes that emotional abuse is real (many, unfortunately, don’t). If your counsellor does not believe this abuse is real, then they are not well-equipped to help you because they don’t understand basic dynamics in marriage. If they believe that standing up against abuse is sinful in and of itself, they may also be dangerous.

9. What do you think of Henry Cloud and John Townsend’s book “Boundaries”?

To me, this is a great litmus test! Many biblical counsellors do not believe in the concept of “boundaries”, because it’s a self-help book rather than the Bible (although Cloud and Townsend base it on biblical principles). If a counsellor does not believe in the concepts in this book, then it’s unlikely the counsellor will be able to offer good or adequate solutions if one person is acting selfishly in the marriage.

10. What are your favourite marriage books?

If they say Love & Respect by Emerson Eggerichs or Created To Be His Helpmeet by Debi Pearl, run for the hills! Those books both encourage women to enable their husband’s sin and selfishness rather than standing up and dealing with it appropriately. God does not call us to enable sin!

If you are seeking marriage counseling, it is very important that you understand their opinion of proper gender roles in marriage, because if they believe that a wife must do what her husband says no matter what, then you may be in a very difficult position.

Finally, be sure that you can walk away if biblical counselling goes badly.

This document also declares:

On rare occasions, a conflict may develop between a counselor and a counselee. In order to make sure that any such conflicts are resolved in a biblical manner, we require all of our counselees to agree that any dispute that arises with a counselor or with church staff as a result of counseling, will be settled by mediation under the leadership of the church. We will make every effort to resolve conflict in a manner according to the principles of Scripture.

When you sign that document, you’re saying that if you disagree with a counselor, or get upset that they brought something to the leadership of the church, you have no standing to get help if the leadership believes you’re in sin. That’s exactly what happened with Karen Hinkley. She tried to leave The Village Church, and they told her she wasn’t allowed because she had signed a document putting herself under their authority. And then they sent out emails telling the congregation how she was in sin.

Update: Many supporters of biblical counselling point to the fact that the founders of the discipline or big names in biblical counselling can seem much more lenient in these areas and are more open to medical approaches to psychological care. However, even if the leaders of the biblical counselling movement all had PhD.s in clinical psychiatry, that wouldn’t actually change anything for the lay counsellor because there is still absolutely no higher accountability. A biblical counsellor can say or do anything and there are no ramifications. He cannot lose his license, she cannot be sued, he cannot be held accountable. Licensed Christian counsellors, on the other hand, can have all of these things happen if they they break the vows they took for ethical behaviour.

Most licensed, Christian counsellors are amazing.

I learned so much from my counselor Denise. She’s a good friend and mentor to this day. She had a true desire and passion to help people through difficult times in their lives. I do believe that seeking counselling is the right thing to do for so many issues. I’m just aware that many churches do it very badly, and so I encourage all of you to do your homework before you get into a dangerous or difficult counselling situation.

Have you ever had counselling from your church? Was it a good experience or a bad experience? What do you think about some of these issues? Let’s talk in the comments!

If you want to read more about Christianity and marriage,  I encourage you to sign up for my newsletter to receive my latest posts right to your inbox. You’ll also gain access to a large library of free resources and courses!

 

Ask Sheila: I Think My Husband is Bored of Sex

What if your husband seems bored of sex–he never initiates, won’t try new things, and just isn’t enthusiastic?

On Mondays I like to try to answer a reader question, and this one comes from a woman who is worried that her husband actually preferred sex with his previous girlfriends more than he does with her.

She writes:

Reader Question

When we got married I thought that my husband was a typical man who would want sex just as much if not more than I do. I was a virgin when we got married and he was not. We are both victims of sexual abuse which God has truly worked mircles in both of us. Early on into our marriage I felt like he wasn’t that interested and he said it was because he was too tired after work. He has struggled with porn when we were dating, and he struggled a bit early in our marriage, but he confessed and put blockers on everything. The thing is I feel like he is bored with sex somewhat. I feel like he already tried everything with his past girlfriends and I am here finally able to have sex and try new things but he isn’t putting in the initiative at all. We also have MIL issues–she keeps bringing up old girlfriends which makes it all worse. But my question is in all this. Do I tell him how I feel? I don’t want to be selfish and tear him apart. He really is such a good husband and he does love me,

Great question! And I decided to answer it in video format today:

For those who don’t have time to watch, I want to say a few things.

First, if something is bothering you, sometimes you just need to talk about it.

Often we’re looking for a magic answer that will enable us to fix a problem without really having to bring it up. But that doesn’t work. If you’re going to build intimacy, you have to share what you’re actually feeling.

I understand that she doesn’t want him to feel badly, but she’s already feeling badly. And that does matter. You can’t be close if one of you is feeling distant.

But that doesn’t mean that you attack him and tell him he’s doing everything wrong! It just means you express your dreams for the relationship, and ask him if he’ll talk about it. I’ve got a couple of posts on how to talk to your husband here:

How to Talk So Your Husband Will Hear

My Husband Doesn’t Understand Me

It does sound like there are a whole bunch of issues here that need to be processed–getting over feeling jealousy of his past girlfriends; working through his relationship with porn (and rebuilding intimacy after a porn addiction.) Like most problems, this one is really multifaceted!

But when there are so many things to work through, it’s often good just to start with rebuilding your friendship and feeling close. If you have a hard time even knowing where to start, I have a FREE 5-part email course that you can take. Every Monday I give you a new suggestion–just one little thing you can do to start feeling emotionally connected again this week. Do these things for 5 weeks straight, and you’ll find that you’ll be able to talk a lot more easily. You’ll feel like you have more in common. And you’ll be able to tackle some of those harder things in your marriage! Sign up right here:

What do you think? When a problem is this big, what should she tackle first? Let’s talk in the comments!

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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 27 years and happily married for 22! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.


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Sheila's Favorite Posts on To Love, Honor and Vacuum:

10 ways to initiate sex
10 Effects of Porn on Your Brain, Marriage, & Sex Life
Why So Much Marriage Advice is So Trite
How can Sex be Hot and Holy at the Same Time?



Check out some of Sheila's Books:

The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex
31 Days to Great Sex
9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage
To Love, Honor, and Vacuum



Check out Sheila's Courses:

The Boost Your Libido Course
The Whole Story: Talking to Your Daughter about Sex, Puberty, and Growing Up
The FREE Emotional Intimacy E-Course



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What if You Could Start Your Sex Life From Scratch

Today a reader is asking, “how do you reset your sex life?”

What if it’s been really difficult in the past, but now you’ve recovered. Yet the dynamic still hasn’t changed.

“I have read The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex and am intrigued by the mention you make of the first four years of your marriage. You mentioned having a lot of pain during sex and that it started your sex life off in a bad way. I had a similar start and now, a year after having a baby, sex is much easier. The trouble is that my husband is so demoralized by our early experiences that we still don’t have sex much, and I’m often rejected. No matter how I plan, prep and try to make it happen, he can be pretty cold. It’s like he’s used to and expects a bad sex life. I’m thankful that you try so hard to put a positive light on intimacy, but it would be nice to hear suggestions on dealing with a cold husband.”

That’s a difficult question, isn’t it? It could take other forms, like:

“I’m a victim of child sexual abuse, and for the first few years of our marriage I was scared of sex. I’ve received healing now and I want to have a great sex life, but it’s like my husband has shut down.”

Or perhaps:

“I spent years refusing sex with my husband, but I’ve now realized that was wrong and I want to change. But he doesn’t believe me!”

When we start marriage seeing sex as a negative thing, it’s really hard to establish a new dynamic in your relationship where it’s fun, easy, and spontaneous.

I’m going to point you to some resources I have at the bottom of this post, but I’d like to tell you a bit of my story. I don’t do that too often anymore; most of my posts are suggesting advice. But I thought some of you may want to hear more of my story.

Like the original questioner said, I did have pain during intercourse for the first few years of our marriage. I shared that in my book The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex; I wasn’t sure if I would or not because it’s something really personal to me, and it really was a very painful part of my life and my marriage. I’m still dealing with some emotional scars from it, as is my husband, although we honestly have emerged really strong together.

Keith and I have been speaking at marriage conferences since 2005, but I never really shared that much about this part of our life, even though we were very open about sex in general. But when it came time to write the book, I really thought it needed to be in there. And so I did write about it, and even shared some rather funny–in retrospect–stories of running screaming from doctor’s offices who thought that all I needed was a mirror and an anatomy lesson to get over my condition!

What I really needed was time, space, and healing–and delivering three children vaginally probably helped quite a bit, too. And so I honestly am totally and completely over that.

But the problem is that because that was such a defining part of our marriage in our early years, it was hard to readjust emotionally and relationally once things were “working”, even when the physical wasn’t a problem. We were in a rut where Keith would want sex and feel guilty; I would feel obligated and feel guilty; and both of us just in general felt a lot of shame.

This questioner is saying that her husband is cold towards her. He very well could be. But I wonder if something else is going on, where he was so ashamed of still wanting sex even when it was painful to her that he eventually just shut down. You see, sometimes it’s easier to shut down than to deal honestly with what’s going on inside your head and your heart. And when we don’t see how we can get legitimate needs met, we often try to build these walls to protect our hearts. And perhaps this man has built a wall, and he’s afraid to see things as having changed because he may get hurt again. And he’s trained himself to think of sex as a negative in their relationship.

This can happen for a variety of reasons, too–it isn’t just if she has a physical condition that makes sex difficult. If she has sexual abuse issues or other fears, he can also shut down. It’s his defense mechanism because something that really matters to him seems to be making the marriage worse.

The problem is that even though the husband may shut down his sexuality due to a combination of self-preservation and love for his wife, because he’s shut down sexually it’s now even harder for him to feel or express love, since for most men sex is so intertwined with love. So while he may have shut down sexually to protect them both, out of purely altruistic motives, it often ends up hurting both of you. You’re missing that deep connection–not just sex, but real intimacy. He’s shut off a part of himself, and because of that you’re missing something big.

And if he’s shut off intimacy, then even if you’ve changed, it’s hard for him to compute or adjust to the new reality. He likely has some resentment built up, and he may have transferred a lot of his needs somewhere else. Maybe he gets his self-worth from work, or sports, or something else. Obviously if your husband looks at porn that’s a big problem, but not all men who shut down use porn at all. I know my husband didn’t. But it’s still hard for them to come to a point where they can have sex without feeling guilty. No matter how much you try to convince them that it honestly is okay, deep inside they feel shame for wanting something that has caused you pain.

I tell you all this to try to help you see it from his point of view. You, albeit unwittingly, without meaning to, pulled the rug out from under him when sex didn’t work for you. And that was likely really devastating to him. Now you need him to forget all that and meet you where you’re at.

That’s hard.

But it’s not impossible. Here are just a few quick thoughts:

Sometimes circumstances turn sex into something negative, but don't despair. It's reversable!Click To Tweet
1. Acknowledge That Your Husband was Hurt

When sex was hard for me, the focus was mostly on the pain I was enduring–both physical and emotional. Keith’s disappointment was shoved aside. And that’s really how it needed to be in order for me to get better.

But at this point, if you have emerged on the other side, it’s worth letting him air how he did feel, and reassure him that he does not need to feel guilty for his sexual feelings.

2. Be His Friend

I know I say this all the time, no matter what the problem is in marriage, but it is so much easier to communicate about the hard things in our marriage if we’re also communicating about the little things. So work on laughing together and doing things together, and it’s easier to truly reset.

3. Do a Sexual Reset

You need to reset your sex life–so do it! I’ve got a post here that takes you through the steps:

How to Reset Your Sex Life

For more advice on building a strong and satisfying sex life, you can also check out my book, The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, below!

God made sex to be AWESOME!

It’s supposed to be great physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

Feel like something’s missing?

Check out The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex!


















4. Schedule Sex

When sex is difficult, and fraught with emotion, then it’s easy for each night to feel stressful: are we going to tonight? Is it going to turn into a fight? Will he turn me down? Do I dare mention it?

If you’ve got it scheduled on your calendar–say twice a week, to start with–then it takes a lot of the anxiety out of it. During these periods of adjustment, when you need to find a new normal, I highly recommend scheduling sex, even if it’s only a temporary thing.

5. Be Patient

I want to reassure you today that couples can come through to the other side. If sex has been a major source of stress in your marriage, you really can make it through and redefine sex and become spontaneous and fun! But it doesn’t happen overnight, and you need to be patient.

If you’re the one who has received healing, chances are you have been working at this for months, if not years. You’ve seen the progress. You know what’s occurred. You can feel the difference. But he hasn’t. He doesn’t know what’s going on inside your brain, and it’s quite likely he’s shut himself off so that he doesn’t get his hopes up. He’s afraid to see that it could be better.

Just remember that you are further along in this process than he is, and you need to give him time to catch up. You need to give him time to trust that you do actually enjoy sex. And so give him that time!

Sometimes we damage our own sex lives and need to rebuild from the ground upClick To Tweet
6. Be Honest

Okay, here’s the hardest one for me to do–and the one I still struggle with. To Keith, it was so traumatic if I ever made love “just for him”, because it was initially hurting me. He is so afraid of ever doing anything that would hurt me again that if he senses that I’m uncomfortable it’s hard for him to want to keep going.

I needed to learn that when I was having triggers, or things were uncomfortable, I needed to tell him, and we’d stop. If he knew that I would tell him if I didn’t want to, then he knew that if I WASN’T telling him, I really did want to. If he wasn’t sure I’d tell him if I was uncomfortable, he was always, always doubting himself. So if you are getting over sexual abuse, and 80% of the time things work fine, then the 20% that they don’t–tell him. Even if it would disrupt the night. If he knows you’re honest when things aren’t working, it makes it much easier for him to let go when they are. So NEVER fake. That would kill any trust you’ve built up. Be totally honest, and then he’s more inclined to believe that you’re enjoying it when things are working well.

I hope those tips help. I know how hard it is emotionally to walk through something like this, but believe me–healing is possible, and you can both come to a beautiful place in your marriage. I pray that you will!

For more tips on how to get the most out of your sex life, you can also check out some of these posts:

Learn Great Sex Tips!

9 Great Sex Tips for Her

10 Ways to Make Sex Feel Amazing for Him

How to Find a Safe Place to Learn More About Sex

31 Days to Great Sex Challenge

Now, let me know: have you ever struggled with rebuilding your sex life? What did you do? How did you heal? Let me know in the comments!

Marriage isn't supposed to be blah!

Sex is supposed to be stupendous--physically, emotionally, AND spiritually. If it's not, get The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex--and find out what you've been missing.

PODCAST EXTRAS: A New Definition of Sex, What Millennials Do Right, and More!

It’s time for a new episode of the To Love, Honor and Vacuum podcast!

And this week we’re finishing up our series on how sex should be mutual–including working towards a new definition of sex.

And consider this podcast “extras”. If you want to go deeper into what I talked about in the podcast, here are some more things to help you.

But first, here’s the podcast:

Main Segment: Can We Work Towards a New Definition of Sex?

Too often we see sex as simply about a man doing something to a woman. But what if we thought of godly sex as something that was meant to be mutual–that was meant to be an intimate knowing of both people?

If we did that, then I think a lot of the problems we have with women having no libido, or with women feeling like sex is icky, would be greatly diminished. When we talk about sex as only being about men’s physical release, we cheapen something beautiful that God made. We make sex about a “right” rather than an intimate experience. We actually rob sex of the purposes that God intended for it. And that’s wrong.

Yes, it’s good to be giving to our husbands. But if we always see sex as being about a husband’s needs, we’re robbing our husbands of real intimacy, too. We need to be an active participant!

I know that I’ve been talking about this a lot, and this podcast concludes everything I’ve been trying to say. My intention was never to “let women off the hook”. I do believe that sex is vitally important in marriage. But what we mean by the word “sex” matters. When we make it all about men, we almost guarantee women won’t want it, enjoy it, or think it’s for them. When we make it about a mutual experience, we get closer to what God intended.

This is good news! It isn’t something that’s meant to bash men. And I hope, as you listen in, you hear my heart.

Here, though, are the two posts that I mentioned in this segment:

Why We Need a New Definition of “Sex” in Christian Marriages

Godly Sex is MUTUAL Sex!

Millennial Marriage: 2 Things Millennials Tend to Do Right

We’re always hearing about how lazy millennials are, and criticizing them as a generation. Millennials, though, have some priorities really right! Today Rebecca and I talked about two of those priorities: Millennials are willing to embrace creative living arrangements in order to have a better quality of life and save some money (and no, we’re not just talking about living in your parents’ basement); and millennials are far more willing to go to marriage counselling far earlier when conflicts arise.

What else do you think millennials do right? Let us know in the comments!

Reader Question: My Husband is Always Too Tired for Sex Because of His High-Stress Job

A reader writes:

My husband is always too tired for sex and it’s really starting to bother me. We probably have sex like twice a month so it’s not never but still too little. We have been married for a few decades, and in the beginning when all the kids were born it was me who was so tired, so I feel like i can’t say much now, because my husband dealt with it before. He works really hard for our family and has a high stress job as an emergency responder, so I understand why he’s tired but I still need his affection. What can I do?

I totally get this. But I decided in this podcast to focus more on the sources of his stress, because I think if we can deal with the stress, the sex part would take care of itself.

Also, I have something to celebrate this week! My husband did his last call ever at the hospital where he’s been working. He’s changing his practice so that he won’t be up all night. He decided that two decades of sleep deprivation and stress was enough.

Some professions are simply high stress–emergency responders, like paramedics, police officers, fire fighters, emergency room staff, some inner city teachers, children’s protection workers, even the military–they deal with stress in a way that other people just don’t. Other jobs may be high stress in terms of what’s expected of you, but there’s something unique about jobs where you’re always dealing with emergencies and seeing humanity at its worst and at its saddest. It’s hard to turn that off.

In the long run, that kind of stress is a bigger health hazard than smoking or obesity. It takes its toll. I think, then, that when you’re married to someone in a high stress job, part of your job is to help your spouse handle stress. Figure out how to arrange their schedule so they have some downtime to decompress in a healthy way (not just with time wasters that don’t feed the soul!) Get great eating and sleeping habits. And try that marriage check in where you share your high and your low of the day. They may not be able to share all the details of what happened, but if you know in general terms what your spouse is dealing with, you can be a big support.

And then keep working at intimacy and staying close!

Comment: In Which I Step in It with Co-Sleeping Again

Last week I shared that I don’t think it’s healthy for moms to sleep with children (we’re talking toddlers and older kids) instead of their husbands. The focus on my video and post was really on those older kids, not on babies, but most of the Facebook comments were about sleeping with babies, so I’m not sure people truly got what I was trying to say.

Are You Sleeping in Your Kids’ Room Rather than with Your Husband?

A Husband Says: Help! My Wife Sleeps with Our Toddler

I do bring this up every few years, and whenever I do, people get very upset with me. I do understand that sometimes you have to do what you have to do to get some sleep. But I wanted to highlight something about the research behind attachment parenting. On Facebook, a reader wrote that I was ignoring how babies attach better with their parents when they sleep in the same bed. Again, though, I want to reiterate this:

In my post I was talking about older children past breast-feeding age, not infants! Most of the pro co-sleeping comments were discussing 5-month-old infants, and I believe that is an entirely separate conversation. What we were discussing was a reader question where a wife was sleeping in the 8-year-old’s bed and it was damaging their marriage.

Rebecca responded with this, and I thought it was important enough to highlight:

 

I actually went to university for psychology with a focus in developmental & cognitive psychology. So my profs talked about attachment parenting a LOT. And honestly? Not a single one was “pro.”

I want to say something though: cosleeping while breastfeeding is different than cosleeping with a toddler or older. I’m focusing mainly on toddler or older here–kids are not breastfeeding anymore.

The problem is that attachment parenting doesn’t do a good job of differentiating between a “tight” attachment and a “secure” attachment. So parents see their kid who loves them and only goes to them and loves to spend all their time with them and see it as secure. But that’s not actually what secure attachment means.

In fact, much impartial research that is done (e.g., not paid for or done by attachment parenting organizations, since there aren’t any “anti-attachment parenting” organizations since no one has monetary gain by promoting the alternative) has found that attachment parenting leads more to anxious attachments than it does secure attachments.

Much of that is because a secure attachment comes about by a child having a secure attachment both with the parent but also with their own standing in the world. If the parent doesn’t allow them to explore the world and experience discomfort and then realize “Hey, I’m fine if I’m not cuddled when I fall asleep because I wake up feeling OK and nothing bad happened”, the child can actually become more anxious. That’s an oversimplified version, but that’s the gist of it.

Kids need parental supervision, attention, care, and love! But they don’t need to avoid all discomfort. Some discomfort is GOOD for kids, since it teaches them that they are capable and safe–their fears don’t come true and they learn to self-soothe in those situations.

Because it takes away this chance to learn to self-soothe, a lot of attachment parenting actually can be to the kids’ detriment by not showing the kid, “You’re strong enough to handle this. And you’ll be OK. The world isn’t such a bad place that you need to be rescued from all the time.”

At the end of the day, are parents who co-sleep bad parents? No. They’re not. But psychology also says that you aren’t necessarily giving anything extra to your kids, and you may be at a greater risk for kids having anxiety issues later in life. And I’m just not sure that it’s worth sacrificing a marriage so you can sleep with kids for years on end when it doesn’t actually help the child much after breastfeeding is over.

Again, we’re talking about children here, not infants.

I know I’ll still get a lot of pushback, but the reason I keep bringing this up, even though so many pushback, is twofold:

I think husbands matter. So many wives sleep in their school-age kids’ beds, and the husbands feel really left out and neglected, and just want their marriage back. That’s not insecurity or immaturity or not understanding how important kids are. That’s actually husbands valuing the right thing. Ladies, if we’re going to say that marriage is supposed to be mutual in other areas (including with mutual sex), then we have to also say that husbands matter, too. If we want them to consider us, we should also consider them. And choosing to sleep in an older child’s room, or with all of your kids in the bed, when your husband would rather keep the bedroom to just you, really is something that needs to be dealt with.
Many parents are simply exhausted. The reason that so many parents say that they let the kids into the bed is that it’s the only way anyone gets any sleep. I get that. My kids didn’t sleep great as babies, either. But what a lot of parents don’t realize is that you can actually train your children to not know how to “self-soothe” (as Rebecca was talking about) so that when they wake up, they need you. They can’t go to sleep without you. That’s why they keep waking you up in the middle of the night–because when they wake up, they can’t just roll over and fall back asleep. I know how tiring that is. And I just want parents to hear–there is another way! That’s all.

Look, if you all co-sleep, AND your husband loves it too, AND you’re all getting great sleep, AND your kids are well-adjusted, then more power to you. But if you’re sharing a bed with your kids long-term and your marriage is growing distant, or if you all are chronically sleep deprived, or if your child is school age and can’t bear to be without you, then maybe something needs to change. Do you think we can agree on that, or am I still totally off base?

Let me know in the comments! And I’d love to hear what you think about the conclusion to our sex should be mutual series as well. What do you think? Can we change the conversation?

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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 27 years and happily married for 22! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.


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Sheila's Favorite Posts on To Love, Honor and Vacuum:

10 ways to initiate sex
10 Effects of Porn on Your Brain, Marriage, & Sex Life
Why So Much Marriage Advice is So Trite
How can Sex be Hot and Holy at the Same Time?



Check out some of Sheila's Books:

The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex
31 Days to Great Sex
9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage
To Love, Honor, and Vacuum



Check out Sheila's Courses:

The Boost Your Libido Course
The Whole Story: Talking to Your Daughter about Sex, Puberty, and Growing Up
The FREE Emotional Intimacy E-Course



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Why We Need a New Definition of Sex

What does it mean to have sex with your husband?

That may seem like a silly question, but it’s what I’ve been building up to on the blog and in my podcasts for the last few weeks.

And here’s why the definition matters: I believe that sex is an intrinsic and vital part of marriage. I believe that God designed sex to be a marvelous expression of intimacy, and a wonderful gift for both of us, which miraculously is also the way that children are made.

Unfortunately, these things are not always present in many people’s sexual lives. Instead, their sex life in marriage is more about one person taking pleasure while using the other. It is about one person doing all the giving, and one person doing all the receiving. And that’s not healthy.

If I were to ask people to define a sexual encounter, though, that unhealthy version of sex wouldn’t be off the table. When it comes down to it, most people’s definition of sex goes something like this:

Man Inserts Penis Into Woman’s Vagina and Moves Until He Reaches Climax

I do agree that this is part of a healthy sex life. But it is only a part. And when that part becomes the whole, we miss out on what God meant for us.

Because we define sex this way, we can quickly run into problems.

If God tells us that we’re not supposed to deprive one another of sex, and then we define sex as a man putting his penis into her vagina until he climaxes, then women feel that they have to invite their husbands, and even welcome their husbands, to have very, very one-sided sex.

That sort of belief is what led to me forcing myself to have sex early in our marriage, even though I suffered from vaginismus and it hurt horribly. It was a sin to refuse sex, and sex was all about a man penetrating a woman until he climaxed.

That sort of belief has led to a lot of confusion in the comments lately. I’ve been suggesting different ways that women can try to communicate with their husbands that they need more out of sex, and that they don’t want to be treated like objects. I’ve suggested that women tell their husbands that they want to have passionate sex, but they’re no longer just willing to have intercourse without their needs also being taken into consideration. As I’ve done so, I’ve had a lot of comments and emails like this one:

I just think refusing to have sex with your spouse is kind of like giving them the silent treatment, and it inflames hostility and misunderstanding more than anything.

I absolutely agree. Flat out refusing to have sex with your spouse IS like giving them the silent treatment. It does often inflame hostility.

However, I was not advising that people refuse to have sex. What I was advising was that it’s okay for women to say:

I will no longer have intercourse with you when you penetrate me without any thought to my experience or any attempt to consider me in the process.

Do you see how that’s an entirely different thing?

Yet because we think that Sex = Man Puts his Penis Into Woman’s Vagina, we continue to believe that our own experience is more of an afterthought or an extra.

If women believed that our own experience mattered, then when we first married, we would be expecting that he would also pleasure us, or that he would start sex with a back rub, or that he would try to woo us. But because we tend to believe that our own experience is irrelevant compared to his experience (since sex consists of him moving and him climaxing), then we often get into this rut where sex becomes all about him.

And that’s why we need a new definition of sex.

Sex, the way that the Bible defines it, is not just Man Puts Penis Inside Woman’s Vagina Until Man Climaxes. Sex is intercourse, yes, but it is intercourse for the purpose of deeply knowing each other (see the Hebrew word for sex in Genesis 4:1), meaning that both people matter. It is intercourse with the expectation that both of you will feel pleasure from it and will desire it (see how sex in 1 Corinthians 7:3-5 is completely mutual).

If you were to tell your husband:

“I want to make love with you. I want to be passionate with you. I want to look forward to our times together because I feel as if we’re really close and having fun together. But I can’t do that if you rush through intercourse, don’t try to make me feel good, and don’t even talk to me. So from on, if we’re going to make love, I need you to spend some time helping me feel good, even if it’s just starting with a massage. And I’d like to feel as if you want to know me, not just that you want your body to feel good inside mine.”

you would not be refusing sex.

Let’s Change How We Think About Sex!

It’s supposed to be great physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

Feel like something’s missing?

Check out The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex!

On the contrary, you would be refusing to be treated like an object for the purpose of finally experiencing ACTUAL sex–the kind that God designed. All you’re saying is: I will no longer be treated like an object, but instead I would like to be treated as a person who is loved and who matters.

God loves you. You matter to God. And God wants you to experience that affirmation through making love as well.

And even more than that–that’s what God wants for your husband, too. God wants your husband to know the wonders of true intimacy. God wants your husband to feel real passion. God wants your husband to feel truly known and vulnerable and open with you, too.

Saying that you won’t be treated like an object is not refusing sex. It is refusing to be used.

If your husband does not go along with that, he is the one refusing sex, not you. He is refusing to treat sex in a mutual, intimate way as God intended, and he is preferring to have sex in an impersonal way where he uses you.

Do you see the difference? (Please tell me you see the difference!).

You’re not depriving him of sex. You’re depriving him of the chance to treat you like an object!

Saying that you want sex to be about both of you and you will no longer be treated like an object is not refusing sex. It is refusing to be used. If your husband refuses to go along with that, HE is the one refusing sex, not you.Click To Tweet

The pushback I’ll get, I know, is that it’s good to be selfless and giving. Therefore we should let our husbands do this. And that would be true if God created sex only to be about physical release (as Emerson Eggerichs said in Love & Respect). But God didn’t. God created sex as the primary vehicle by which we would understand true relational intimacy and vulnerability. If we give to our husbands in such a way that we make sex only about physical release, then we actually deprive them of the chance to understand real intimacy.

If we allow sex to become only about giving our husbands physical release, then we actually deprive them of the chance to understand real intimacy. Let's change the definition of what sex in marriage should be!Click To Tweet

I know this is radical for woman to hear. But as I have started to talk about this more over the last few weeks, I have had so many women come forward and say that they just can’t put those kinds of repercussions on their husbands, because their husbands wouldn’t take it well. That totally is your prerogative, of course. But let me just remind you that God’s vision for your marriage is of a mutual experience where you truly know each other. Allowing him to treat you like an object is not hastening that. It is making it less likely.

(You can listen to my podcast from a few weeks ago where I addressed this directly in the reader segment section–and told how you can have this conversation without attacking him, but affirming him instead! This doesn’t need to be an antagonistic conversation, after all!)

Working towards godly sex, though, is not something that only women are yearning for. Men are, too!

I have so many men on this blog who comment about how desperately they want their wives to understand what God made sex for. These men don’t want sex to be just about them thrusting until they climax. They want to know their wives intimately and to be passionate WITH their wives, but their wives refuse, thinking that by letting their husbands penetrate them while they lie there they’re “doing their duty”. No! It’s not about duty! It’s about passion and knowing each other. Enthusiasm matters, too.

God made sex to show us what it means to be both passionate and vulnerable at the same time.

He wants us to feel very intimate and close with each other. He designed women’s sexual response so that we usually take longer to warm up, and so that we usually need attention besides intercourse, so that the husband would have to cater to the wife in a way that doesn’t bring the husband direct pleasure. That way sex is about the relationship.

It takes vulnerability for a woman to open up and tell her husband what she likes and what makes her feel good. And it takes vulnerability for a man to try things to pleasure her, and admit that he doesn’t know entirely what he’s doing. He has to not just focus on what he’s feeling, but he has to open up and listen to her and think of her.

And then, as we do experience pleasure, we feel it only with that one special person. We feel bonded to them. And we feel like we truly “know” them.

That is God’s design. Unfortunately, our pornographic culture has wrecked it. Too often our Christian culture has wrecked it by teaching us that sex is only about a man’s needs–thus robbing both of us of the chance to be vulnerable. But vulnerability and intimacy are what God designed us for.

How can we achieve godly, biblical sex–which is mutual, passionate, and vulnerable?
How can we achieve truly biblical sex--which is about mutuality? Let's start that discussion!Click To Tweet

A biblical sexual relationship should be about both people

While some individual sexual encounters might be about giving each other “a gift” (something which is also important in growing in love!), the relationship as a whole will be about both people feeling loved and cherished, and both people receiving.

A biblical sexual relationship should be about both people experiencing pleasure

The goal should be to help both of you experience pleasure. Sometimes she may have a hard time reaching orgasm, but her enjoyment should be pursued in the relationship as a whole (even if during some encounters she prefers to focus on him). The husband should consider it his job and privilege to unlock what makes her tick!

A biblical sexual relationship should relax both of you

Orgasm is relaxing. But if orgasm isn’t happening for her, then something else which helps her feel relaxed should. Maybe it’s stroking her hair or holding her. Maybe it’s giving her a massage. But you should both be able to drift off to sleep feeling cared for.

True godly sex should be an expression of how you feel about one another

While it’s true that sex and friendship are like the chicken and the egg–it’s not really clear which is first–sex should reflect emotional closeness as well. Both of you should feel cherished and loved through your sexual relationship, which means that both partners will go to lengths to help the other feel loved in the way that they need it. That may mean spending time talking beforehand; it may mean talking to him or her or saying “I love you” during sex; it may mean making time for each other outside of the bedroom.

True godly sex should be about both people being enthusiastic about joining together

It isn’t enough to say to your husband, “you can if you want to”, and then lie back and count ceiling tiles, thinking that you’re being a good wife. Godly sex is about embracing passion and intimacy, even if it takes a while to learn how your body works.

Just because the husband is putting his penis into the wife’s vagina does not mean that you are having biblical sex
Just because the husband is entering his wife's body does not mean that you are having biblical sex. Why we need a new definition of sex:Click To Tweet

If you understand that true sex encompasses much more than just this, then the “do not deprive” verses take on a whole new meaning, don’t they?

This doesn’t have to be a difficult conversation, though! If you work through 31 Days to Great Sex, you’ll both understand what biblical sex looks like without having to have a hard talk where it sounds like you’re angry. Go through the exercises, and you’ll learn to discard the lies you’ve believed about sex. You’ll learn how to make sure she feels good. You’ll learn how to flirt and be affectionate so you both feel loved. You’ll learn how to be passionate and try new things! But you’ll also be taken through exercises that will help you both feel.

Need an easier way to have these conversations?

31 Days to Great Sex guides you through exercises so that you can talk about libido, frequency, intimacy, in a low-stress, easy way.

No blaming. Just solutions–and a whole lot of fun!

Let's try it!

Ladies, God never intended for you to feel like an object or to feel used. That’s not godly sex. That’s not making love. From now on, let’s agree that sex does not equal:

Man puts penis into woman’s vagina until he climaxes

But instead sex means:

Two people join together physically and emotionally and spiritually for the purposes of experiencing pleasure, expressing love, and feeling close.

That’s real sex. And that’s what we should not be deprived of in marriage.

10 Times You’re Allowed to Say No to Sex

You’re allowed to say no to sex.

Unfortunately that can be a radical thing to say in some church circles, and I’ve been writing lately about God created sex to be a mutual experience, not just a one-sided experience. Women’s pleasure matters, too, and women’s experience of sex matters as well.

If one person is doing all the giving sexually, and one person all the receiving, that is not mutual sex. We need to frame sex differently.

I know that the do not deprive verses of the bible are often used to make women feel as if they cannot say no to sex, and I’ve written more about that here:

Do Not Deprive: Are Women the Ones More Likely to Be Deprived?

Do Not Deprive: A 3-part series on what these verses really mean

I do believe that sex is a vitally important part of marriage, and that it should be frequent. We should not aim for the minimum, and we should not just try to fulfill our obligation. Nevertheless, it’s important that women understand that they matter when it comes to sex. The more women realize that, the more we can escape the shame often feel, and then free ourselves up to actually feel sexual pleasure and sexual desire! When you feel as if sex is somehow obliged or coerced, it’s very difficult to get excited about it.

Here, for instance, is a question that was recently sent in:

Reader Question

I’m pregnant with my fourth, and it’s a very high risk pregnancy. I’m supposed to be on bed rest, and my blood pressure is high and I’m not feeling well, but I still have to look after our other three as well. My husband is really struggling with not having sex (we’ve been told we’re not supposed to), and I’m wondering what I can do to help him out, the poor guy, because he’s expressing a lot of frustration and he’s really hurting.

Now, it’s wonderful that she wants to help her husband. And there’s nothing wrong with “giving him a gift” and helping him feel good. But at the same time, she is in a high risk pregnancy with his child, and she is exhausted and not feeling well, and she really, really needs to take care of herself for her sake, as well as for the baby’s sake. But what’s she concerned about? The fact that he is expressing sexual frustration.

This is what I see over and over again: because women are told that we can never, ever understand a man’s sex drive and a man’s sexual needs, then when we are experiencing something really bad, we assume that men have it still worse. I just want to say: You matter, too!

So let’s look at 10 times it’s okay to say no to sex.

1. It’s Okay to Say No to Sex…When You Don’t Feel Like It

Yep. I want to begin with this most important one. If you don’t want to tonight, it’s honestly okay to say no. It is. You are not being unbiblical. I have written about how “do not deprive” is not the equivalent of “do not refuse”, and that distinction matters in the bible and the bedroom.

That being said, I don’t advise doing this routinely. It’s going to be very difficult to have an intimate marriage if you are frequently turning down sex. You aren’t going to feel close to your husband if you’re running away from sex. And you are hurting your husband (and he matters!) if you routinely say no. If you need to say no, I think a rain check is great: “I’d love to, but I’m too tired right now. But let’s put it on our calendar for tomorrow.”

If you routinely find yourself wanting to turn your husband down, here are some posts to help you say yes more often!

'Do not deprive' is different from 'do not refuse.' It's not unbiblical to say no to sex!Click To Tweet

When You Have No Libido

Why Do I Never Want to Say Yes When My Husband Initiates?

What Does It Really Mean to Be Attracted to Your Spouse?

Do We Understand What Rejection Does to Husbands?

2. It’s Okay to Say No to Sex…When your husband doesn’t care about your pleasure

God intended sex to be mutual, which means that both parties should be giving and receiving. Now, some encounters may be mostly about giving a gift to one of you, but if sex, as a whole, is only about one person receiving pleasure, then that’s not right.

If she’s having a difficult time reaching orgasm, and he’s trying, that’s a different thing. But I’ve had countless women report how sexually frustrated they are because their husbands will have sex with them, it doesn’t last very long, and they make no effort to bring any pleasure to their wives. It’s not okay to leave her sexually unsatisfied!

In that case, I would simply say:

“I want a passionate sex life with you. I want to make love frequently! But I am not willing to be used as a sexual object when you make no effort to make me feel pleasure. I matter, too, and I think we’re missing out on what passion is supposed to be like. Why don’t we try learning how to make me feel good, too? Because I am no longer willing to have one-sided sex with you.”

Many men honestly don’t realize that women need foreplay or that women take longer to get warmed up, or that women don’t always climax with intercourse. You may need to speak up. But if you have, repeatedly, and he still won’t listen, then it’s okay to say, “I’m not having sex until we can agree that it needs to be about me, too.”

3. It’s Okay to Say No to Sex…when your husband routinely insists on things other than intercourse

I’ve also had women write in saying that their husbands aren’t interested in intercourse, but only in oral sex or in other forms of sexual stimulation that often are not intimate and that give the wife no pleasure. And then he’s not interested in giving her any pleasure, either. It’s okay to say:

“I want our sex life to be great, but making love is about both of us, and it should involve intercourse. I am not willing to be used as a masturbatory toy for you. I think God wants us to be truly intimate, and to have sex bring us together, but right now it is all about you, and that is wrong.”

4. It’s Okay to Say No to Sex…when sex hurts

If sex itself is hurting you, it’s okay to say “no”. As I shared last week in my story about having vaginismus, I didn’t do that. I forced myself to have sex, even when it did hurt, because I was afraid of Keith rejecting me (he would never have done that; my fears were based on what I had been taught about sex, not on what my husband was like.)

What I ended up doing, I believe, was prolonging my problem with vaginismus because I cemented in my head the idea that sex was painful, which made me tense up even worse.

My suggestion? Seek out a pelvic floor physiotherapist and work on your pain, and at the same time, find ways to be intimate and pleasure each other without intercourse while you’re seeking out a solution.

5. It’s Okay to Say No to Sex….when you hurt

What if sex itself is not hurting, but YOU hurt? Or you’re nauseous from being pregnant? Or you have health concerns (like our letter writer above). Or what if you’ve just had a baby? I had several commenters on the blog a few years ago taking issue with the fact that women should not get to withhold sex for the six weeks after the birth of a baby, because they heal up faster than that and their husbands need sex. The Bible doesn’t say you can deprive your husband when your doctor tells you to–it says you can’t deprive except by “MUTUAL” consent, and if the husband isn’t consenting, you can’t say no, regardless!

What a terrible viewpoint to say. My heart bleeds for their wives (and unfortunately, far too many past commenters have had this view).

When you are in a high risk pregnancy, you need to be the focus of the marriage. You need to be stress free. Your husband needs to exercise self-control (which is, after all, a fruit of the Spirit) on behalf of you and his unborn child. If you wish to be intimate in other ways, by all means do so. But if you need bed rest and are not doing well, then it is up to your husband to be an adult and look out for your needs.

What if it’s that you’ve got chronic pain, or you’re feeling nauseous a lot with pregnancy? It’s not that sex is dangerous, but that you just don’t feel well? Sometimes you just have to reject sex. But other times, maybe think about it less as sex and more as a time to pamper each other and feel relaxed. Start with a bath. Ask for a massage. And then try sex. It has been shown that orgasm can relieve both nausea and migraines. That’s only possible if you’re really relaxed and you’re able to keep your breathing even and try to “ride” the pleasure. You’ll have to stay very passive during the encounter. Yet sometimes it is just what the doctor ordered!

6. It’s Okay to Say No to Sex…when your husband is using pornography to get aroused

You are not required to cement or enable a porn addiction. If your husband uses porn, then he is rewiring his brain to get aroused by an image or a video, rather than you. And then often he gets aroused and needs an outlet, and turns to you. If he’s routinely waking you up for sex after watching porn, or you know he’s continuously watching it, it’s okay to say no. It’s okay to say, “We need to get this sorted out first. You need to quit the porn, get an accountability partner, and show me I can trust you again.”

If you keep having sex after he’s watched porn, you’re cementing that addiction, and that will only hurt him.

7. It’s Okay to Say No to Sex….when your husband routinely asks you to violate your boundaries

If your husband routinely tries things you have said no to, or insists on things you have said no to, it’s okay to say that you won’t have sex with him until this is sorted out. We received a letter from a woman saying, “I told my husband I wasn’t comfortable with sex toys, but in the middle of sex he’ll use one on me suddenly with no warning, after whipping it out from under a pillow.” That is wrong. In fact, it is a form of marital rape.

Similarly, if your husband pressures you or belittles you when you don’t do something that you find objectionable, it’s okay to say no. In some cases, wives find themselves in horrible situations like this reader who sent in this question:

Reader Question

My husband of 10 years has recently told me he plans to take another wife. Not marry her legally, because that’s not possible in the US, but to have a lifelong relationship with her and be married in the eyes of God, as well as continuing his relationship with me. I love my husband greatly, and we have 4 kids together. The thought of him being with someone else part of the time is causing me deep emotional distress. He says he loves me, but that he believes God created him to be a husband to more than one person, and to possibly even have children with her. I’ve researched and researched and I can’t find anything definitive that says God disapproves of a man being in a committed relationship with more than one woman at the same time.

What a horrible question! And, yes, she can say no!

Here’s the thing: if in your heart of hearts you are experiencing great distress and anxiety over something, that’s often the Spirit’s leading. Scripture doesn’t have explicit commands for everything (It does forbid polygamy, but even in other cases, it’s not always clear cut). And if your husband is asking you to do something that goes against your conscience, you can (and should!) say no.

Sex should be a deep “knowing” and deep intimacy. Pressuring someone into making sex degrading is actually a REFUSAL to know you. It’s saying, “I don’t care what you feel; I only care about what you give me.” It’s a rejection of intimacy entirely, and is thus a rejection of sex the way God intended. And so it’s okay to say no.

8. It’s Okay to Say No to Sex…when you are trying to rebuild trust in your relationship

When your husband has had an affair, or is trying to recover from a porn addiction, it’s okay to take a hiatus from sex while you rebuild trust, especially if your heart is very hurting. You may need to work on your emotional connection first before you rebuild your sexual life. In many cases, counsellors will recommend that. If you want to work on emotional connection, I have a free 5-week email course you can take here.

9. It’s Okay to Say No to Sex…when your husband has been being abusive in any way

If your husband is verbally, emotionally, physically, or sexually abusive, it is okay to say no to sex. Sex should be the outward expression of the intimacy you feel. If he is abusing you, then the marriage is not intimate and it is not pleasing to God, and this must be dealt with first.

If it would be dangerous to refuse sex, then the relationship itself is dangerous. Please get out and get help.

10. It’s Okay to Say No to Sex…when you’re dealing with emotional baggage or grief and are in a fragile place

Finally, sometimes we just need space because God is working on our hearts and gently healing some pretty big hurts. Sexuality is all about our identity; it’s really the most private and important pieces of our souls. When something there is hurt, whether because of sexual abuse or trauma, or even grief, we sometimes need time to heal these deep places so that we can experience real intimacy again. If you are going through a time of intense healing or intense counseling, it may be time to step back from that kind of intimacy and vulnerability until some of that work is done. A counsellor should be able to guide and advise you in this. And then I would say:

“I want to grow an amazing sex life with you, where I can truly share myself with you. Right now I’m not there. I’m just so fragile. But that’s what I’m working towards. I need to take a step back and do that hard work, because I don’t want to be stuck here. But I want you to know that’s what I’m aiming for, and I am praying that this work will be short and temporary.”

So there you go–10 times when it’s okay, and even wise, to refuse sex in marriage. If sex is supposed to be about mutual intimacy and a deep knowing, then we should not make sex into something that endangers that mutuality or that rejects “knowing” or replaces it with something that devalues the other.

Healthy sex means mutual sex! Here are 10 times its okay to say no to sex.Click To Tweet

Again, I’m all in favour of a healthy sex life! But let’s keep everything in perspective, the way that God does. Healthy sex means mutual sex that is intimate physically, emotionally, AND spiritually. It’s not just one-sided physical giving. So let’s work towards healthy sex!

What do you think? Did I miss #11? If so, what would it be? Or do you disagree with one of the reasons I have here? Let’s talk in the comments! 

God made sex to be AWESOME!

It’s supposed to be great physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

Feel like something’s missing?

Check out The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex!

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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 27 years and happily married for 22! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.


Find Sheila Here:

Facebook
Twitter
Instagram
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Pinterest



Sheila's Favorite Posts on To Love, Honor and Vacuum:

10 ways to initiate sex
10 Effects of Porn on Your Brain, Marriage, & Sex Life
Why So Much Marriage Advice is So Trite
How can Sex be Hot and Holy at the Same Time?



Check out some of Sheila's Books:

The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex
31 Days to Great Sex
9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage
To Love, Honor, and Vacuum



Check out Sheila's Courses:

The Boost Your Libido Course
The Whole Story: Talking to Your Daughter about Sex, Puberty, and Growing Up
The FREE Emotional Intimacy E-Course



Are you ready to take your marriage to the next level?
Sign up for our emails and get access to the TLHV free marriage and parenting resource library. We have over 25 downloads and are constantly adding more. Sign up here!






Does Your Sex Life Need a Pick-Me-Up?
Maybe it's gotten stale. Maybe it's never felt that great. Or maybe you just feel like you're missing something!

When Can I Leave My Marriage? How to Know if You’ve Done Enough

When is it permissible to leave your marriage after your spouse has seriously broken the marriage covenant?

I’ve been talking all week about big marriage problems (Phew! It’s been a big week. Don’t worry; next week we’re moving on to how to love your husband and have fun with him!). And I thought I’d end the week with this question from a reader.

I have caught my husband (a part time pastor, full time soldier) in yet another affair. This has happened before and I found out many years later and most recently, they are emotional affairs, online sex chats, porn use, etc. He’s a textbook narcissist, and I just want a divorce at this point. He won’t grant me one without a fight and tries to justify everything he has done using “scriptural reference” and turning the situations back to being my fault. I finally told a trusted friend/counselor a few months ago. I’ve kept the secrets so long (16 years) out of fear and shame. Is it time to just call it done? Our son is 12 and I’m worried he will turn into his father from living with him for so long.

I am so sorry for this woman. I really am. It’s heartbreaking especially when the man is “in the ministry” and claims to be working for God. Here’s another question that’s similar (though without the pastoral aspect):

My wife has been varying in a double life for over a decade. When we married she was a Christian and I was not. About 4 years ago while my wife was acting out with an ex boyfriend I hit rock bottom and came to Christ. It changed my life. I became a better husband and father. Life went well with my wife for several years but her addiction came back again and a few months ago I caught her having an affair. She has since been diagnosed as a sex and romance addict. She is starting a treatment program but she is almost the only female addict in groups of male sex addicts. She knows what she needs to do and tells me she loves me more than anything and really wants her family. But she is continuing to see her affair partner but begging me to stay because she just knows that her affair will be over soon as she goes through recovery. Now that it is all out in the open she is communicating better than she ever has, but I still have next to zero trust. The bible says I can leave due to her infidelity. However I also understand the stores of Hosea. I do feel an overwhelming pressure to help her to recover. I love your blog and would love to hear what you have to say about this.

Let me share with you some wisdom that I learned from a man who had worked in marriage ministry his whole life.

He said, “when there is a marriage problem and both people are willing to work at it, then no matter how big the problem is, that marriage has a 95% chance of making it and turning out well. But if only one person is willing to work at it? Then that marriage only has a 50% chance of making it, no matter how small the problem is.”

The moral of the story?

You can’t fix a marriage on your own.

You just can’t.

Now, there is no formula for what you should do now. Sometimes God asks us to wait, because He is doing something incredible behind the scenes and it just will take more time. And sometimes God frees us to move on. I can’t tell you what to do, because I don’t know your situation. And that’s why we have to draw very close to God in these hard times so that we can hear His voice.

But I will point you to some posts on difficult marriages that can help you think through this issue right now.

Can I give up on my marriage?

You’ve done everything. You’ve bent over backwards. And still your spouse doesn’t seem to be changing. Should you give up and move on?

How to Be a Spouse, Not an Enabler

In many ways, this was the post that inspired my book 9 Thoughts that Can Change a Marriage. The day I wrote this was the day I started to think differently about marriage. Up until then I was really focused on how to show your husband love. On that day, I realized that being truly loving meant wanting the best for your spouse, and the best meant pointing them to God, not enabling sin. Sometimes we have to take a stance. And this may be the most important post these readers read!

But along with it, I challenge  you to read 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage. It gets to the heart of how we can act in marriage so that we point people to Jesus in our everyday life, rather than acting in such a way that we excuse sin. And it helps us reveal the dark sides of our own hearts, too. Plus it’s likely my most honest book–I share so many of my own personal struggles. So I encourage you to check it out!

When is it okay to give up trying to get my ex back?

If you’ve been separated for a time, is it okay to move on? What if you believe that marriage is for life? Is there a point where you can say, “I’m moving on, no matter what my ex does?”

I’m living in a loveless marriage. What do I do?

What if you’re in a loveless marriage and your spouse doesn’t seem to care about you at all. How do you move forward? Do you have to stay?

Why I’m Anti-Divorce, but Pro-Remarriage

If you’re wondering if divorce is ever okay, and if you’re permitted to leave, here are my thoughts on the issue.

Discovering Your Spouse is Having an Affair

You’ve discovered the affair. Now what’s your next step? What do you do? Here are some thoughts (and some book suggestions) that help you make wise decisions at these difficult moments.

I hope those will help. And please know–we pray for all of you everyday. We get so many emails like this into the inbox each and every day of the year, and we can’t answer them all personally. But I know so many of you reading this blog are dealing with this. Just know that we care. We feel overwhelmed sometimes, but we care.

And if you’re a regular reader, but you AREN’T dealing with this right now, could you say a prayer, too? Just for all the hurting people who are reading this blog? And then maybe leave a comment, to let people know that they are being prayed for?

I know it’s a lonely road. I wish there were more I could do. This is so, so hard. But we do care. And God sees. And He cares deeply, too. Never doubt that.

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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 27 years and happily married for 22! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.


Find Sheila Here:

Facebook
Twitter
Instagram
YouTube
Pinterest



Sheila's Favorite Posts on To Love, Honor and Vacuum:

10 ways to initiate sex
10 Effects of Porn on Your Brain, Marriage, & Sex Life
Why So Much Marriage Advice is So Trite
How can Sex be Hot and Holy at the Same Time?



Check out some of Sheila's Books:

The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex
31 Days to Great Sex
9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage
To Love, Honor, and Vacuum



Check out Sheila's Courses:

The Boost Your Libido Course
The Whole Story: Talking to Your Daughter about Sex, Puberty, and Growing Up
The FREE Emotional Intimacy E-Course



Are you ready to take your marriage to the next level?
Sign up for our emails and get access to the TLHV free marriage and parenting resource library. We have over 25 downloads and are constantly adding more. Sign up here!

Our New Favorite Family Board Games

We’ve got some new favorite family board games–and they’re great at teaching you church history, too!

With thanks to Chara Games for sponsoring this post. This post contains some affiliate links.

Just before Christmas, Chara Games sent us a whole pile of their awesome board games to try it. We are HUGE board game fans. My big Christmas tradition that I insist on every year is that on Boxing Day, we all sit around and play board games.

Starting at Christmas, and over the last few months, whenever we’ve had people over we’ve sampled a whole bunch of the games, and we’ve worked our way through them. And I want to tell you about two that we especially like–Soul of the Empire and Commissioned.

Soul of the Empire–A Competitive Game Where You Can Win by Losing

This game has one of the coolest catches I’ve ever encountered: four of you are playing to take over the board. But all of you have different rules of combat that make it much trickier! Unlike a game like Risk, where you all play by the same rules, here your rules of engagement depend on who you are.

Four players can play Soul of the Empire:

Coalition–Down with the empire (Green)

The Coalition is comprised of the “barbaric” peoples from outside the Roman empire. They are ruthless in battle, as long as their rage is up, and they just want to see the empire burn. If they can thrust fast and deep at the heart of the empire, victory is theirs. But too many victories and their rage will go down as they grow content and lazy off of their plunder. A clever coalition player will be sure to plan some strategic losses to whip lackadasical troops back into a frenzy.

Jews–Where only the Holy Land matters (Blue)

Unlike the other players, the Jews couldn’t care less about the rest of the world. They’re just trying to stay in their little corner of the world, and not get killed. The problem? Everybody else likes that corner of the world, too! The Jews find strength in being a big fish in a small pond. They strive to have domination over the holy land, and can do so by inciting revolts (Grey), which become a second faction under their command! With those numbers, they could easily defend Israel from Romans and barbarians alike, if only it weren’t for those pesky Christians.

Jews causing a merchant uprising in Syria to ward off the Romans

Christians–It only takes a little bit of yeast… (White)

The Christians are professional underdogs. While there is normally strength in numbers, the Romans and Jews fear the confounding strength of a lone martyr. Just as persecution of the early church helped the church spread, so too when Christians are persecuted, they spread. Christians win in battle against Jews and Romans by having a lower battle score (unlike every other faction), which takes the number of troops on each side into account. So if you come at them with too much force, you will likely not only lose the battle, but also see all of your men converted into fellow Christians. If they convert enough units, it’s game over. They must be wary though, for the more they gather in one place, the weaker and less effective they become. Furthermore, the Coalition cares little for their religion or politics, and will simply exterminate them with overwhelming force.

One lone Christian fighting four barbarians in Parthia. They don’t have a moment to talk about our Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ

Romans– What’s wrong with the status quo? (Red)

The Romans have massive armies covering a vast nation. Overwhelming presence is the name of their game. At least, they would like it to be. They just want to stay in power by arresting the other factions, removing enemy units they defeat from play. If the Romans can arrest enough rabble-rousers, they win, but it’s no small task. Between fending off the Coalition’s attempts to seize the capital, trying to remain relevant in the holy land despite the Jewish revolts, and trying to keep Christians away from their populated areas, there is no shortage of fires to put out. Connor’s strategy was to try sequestering the Christians in the holy land (they came from the Jews, let them be the Jew’s concern) while striking out into Coalition lands to stem the barbarian tide.

I really enjoyed this one. Keith and Connor played a few scenarios just the two of them to get used to it, and then David and I joined in. It’s always a tricky balance to see whether or not you have enough pieces in any one square. Everyone needs lots of pieces to fight barbarians, but when fighting Christians, everyone wants to have as few as possible. So you have to try to guard yourself against other forces while simultaneously not getting too powerful. It’s a tricky balance! Think it sounds fun? Check out Soul of the Empire for yourself!

Commissioned–Can you spread the gospel throughout the world, plus write all the New Testament books of the Bible, and withstand trials?

You spread the gospel by sending out missionaries, along with church members that you only get if your church grows.
You write the books of the Bible by saving up prayers.
You withstand trials through prayer and faith cards.

And you have to do all of them, all at the same time, if the gospel is to spread! Some families really enjoy strategy games where you play against each other (like Soul of the Empire). But Commissioned is a cooperative game. You either win together, or you lose together. If you’re a family that tends to get way too competitive, this may be a good alternative.

The Game Commissioned–trying to spread the gospel and write the New Testament

Each of you plays a particular apostle, who each has their own unique strength.

James gives everybody extra missionary movements.
Peter gives everybody extra faith–which means more miracles and more ability to withstand trials.
Paul is able to get rid of any “mission stops” and is able to plow ahead, despite opposition.
Andrew allows the church to grow, no matter what
John weeds out false teachers–the stuff that isn’t necessary
Barnabas stops attacks on church growth by encouraging others

All the apostles have different giftings

Joanna’s family tried out Commissioned while she was  visiting them in the States and they had a blast figuring out which person playing should match with each apostle. It really got them thinking about whose gifts matched up with which person.

Each turn the player draws some cards from his or her deck to use. Then there’s the cooperative part. You all “pray”–meaning that you choose a few cards to play, face down, without telling anyone else what those cards are. Then you turn them up, and the apostle whose turn it is chooses which moves to make that turn.

The cards you have in your hand at the end get traded in to increase your faith, where you can draw cards like these:

It’s a tough one to win. Once Keith and I played and we almost won–we were just missing writing one book of the Bible (here we are on our last turn; we got two more books written (the cards along the bottom) but we missed one. But there are little white churches on every space!

Almost won the game Commissioned!

Last Sunday, when we played with Katie, we did everything except convert Philippi and Athens. And Philippi and Athens are kind of important.

What we’ve found is that you need all the apostles’ unique strengths. It’s really difficult to win without everybody’s giftings. And it really does teach you about how church history worked! In the game we played with Katie, we spent three turns unable to expand with our missionaries because we had different trials that were stopping our missionaries from movement (like worldly churches, or infighting).

Uh oh. Mission stop, and the church can’t spread!

Here our church can’t spread to Damascus and Lystra, so even though we have a huge church, it’s stuck.

But when persecution comes, all of a sudden we spread out and then missions became much easier.

The church is fed to lions! Lose some church members–but others get to spread without using up movement points.

What really makes a church grow is not having all of your people together in one place. Instead, it’s when they spread out that the church grows. When you focus only on your own church, and you don’t look at the people around you, the church loses its focus and dies. Check out Commissioned!

What we all discussed as a family after our Sunday game was that it truly was a miracle that the church spread as it did in the first century. So many things had to go completely right–and God was obviously in it. But it’s also true that everybody was vital to the process. God really did make us all with our own gifts, and the body needs every part to succeed. It’s a great one to play that also leads to interesting conversations and learning activities. And as you read the different trials that the early church went through, you start to get a glimpse of what some of these early missionary journeys were like.

I’ll be doing another blog post soon where I’ll talk about the game 3 Seeds and the game Unauthorized. But if you’re looking for some strategy games where it shows you what the early church had to contend with, and lets you live out the book of Acts, these are both excellent (and lots of fun!).

And they’re both very high quality, too. The boxes are super sturdy. The game boards are super sturdy. The cards are great. I was really impressed.

Go check out Chara Games on their web site or follow them on Facebook or Twitter @charagames to learn more about their awesome board games and stay up to date on new products or expansions!

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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 27 years and happily married for 22! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.


Find Sheila Here:

Facebook
Twitter
Instagram
YouTube
Pinterest



Sheila's Favorite Posts on To Love, Honor and Vacuum:

10 ways to initiate sex
10 Effects of Porn on Your Brain, Marriage, & Sex Life
Why So Much Marriage Advice is So Trite
How can Sex be Hot and Holy at the Same Time?



Check out some of Sheila's Books:

The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex
31 Days to Great Sex
9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage
To Love, Honor, and Vacuum



Check out Sheila's Courses:

The Boost Your Libido Course
The Whole Story: Talking to Your Daughter about Sex, Puberty, and Growing Up
The FREE Emotional Intimacy E-Course



Are you ready to take your marriage to the next level?
Sign up for our emails and get access to the TLHV free marriage and parenting resource library. We have over 25 downloads and are constantly adding more. Sign up here!

PODCAST EXTRAS: 2 Keys to a Successful Marriage, Why Did I Lose My Libido, and More!

It’s time for all of our extras from the To Love, Honor and Vacuum podcast!

I hope you all will listen, but if you don’t have time, I’ll have some links and rabbit trails below so you can read all you want as well!

And consider this podcast “extras”. If you want to go deeper into what I talked about in the podcast, here are some more things to help you.

But first, here’s the podcast:

Main Segment: The 2 Keys to a Successful Marriage

We’ve been talking on the blog this month and on the podcasts recently about how sex is meant to be mutual, and we’ll be finishing that series up next week on both the blog and the podcast. But I didn’t want the podcast to get too repetitive, and I felt called to say something that I think is a hopeful message.

We’ve been dealing with some heavy topics on the blog lately, and I’ve been receiving a ton of emails from people in lousy marriage situations. Last week, I asked on Facebook for people to give me some happy marriage stories–and hundreds of you did (Thank you!) I turned those into a “happy” post for Tuesday on the things that my readers appreciate about marriage. And I thought I’d keep that going with 2 pieces of advice that really can be marriage changing: 2 small things that are the biggest predictors of a happy marriage. They’re just small little things that you do everyday. I mentioned them in 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage, and I invite you to listen in to what they are today, too!

I also promised in that segment that I’d point you to the MBTI and marriage posts I did earlier in August about personality differences. Here are just two, but if you click through you’ll find the links to lots more!

MBTI and Marriage: Just Your Type!

Introverts vs. Extroverts

Honestly, these two things are really what I was getting at in 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage. When you change the way you think by changing what you’re looking for, it really can change your marriage!

Do you have a hard time asking for what you want?

You can change the dynamic in your marriage and make talking about your own needs easier!

If your marriage is in a communication rut, it’s time for some change.

Take me to it!


















Millennial Marriage: Choose to Not Take Each Other for Granted

With thanks to Revell for sponsoring this segment on behalf of Dr. Ron Welch’s book 10 Choices Successful Couples Make! It’s a great book for both husbands and wives about how to build intimacy in very practical ways. I already wrote about his choice to face unspoken truths, which I found really insightful. What he says about understanding the process of conflict rather than the subject of conflict is so important as well.

Today Becca and I discussed how to make sure you don’t take each other for granted, and we were talking about having that marriage check-in, but also just making sure you don’t get too busy, but that you honestly enjoy just doing life together. Some posts that I referenced:

Face Your Unspoken Truths!

The Benefits of a Marriage Check-In

10 Choices Successful Couples Make

by Dr. Ron Welch






Take Me There!


















Reader Question: I Lost My Libido Right Before the Wedding

A reader writes in with a question I can totally relate to!

I have struggled with my libido ever since I got married. I can remember in the week leading up to my wedding my body just like switched off and didn’t respond to any touch or anything, and I feel like I haven’t been able to find my libido ever since. Even when I have my period my body is not the same as what it used to be.  I just feel like I don’t even have a libido at all. Do you have any suggestions on why this might be?

I experienced something very similar. I remember the moment when panic started and my body froze. And it was largely because I felt like I no longer had control over my body.

Now, yes, that’s what 1 Corinthians 7 says–our bodies belong to our husbands, and vice versa. And that’s true. But that also is a very harmful message if you don’t also understand the rest of what the Bible says about sex. If you don’t understand that sex was created for you, too; that it was meant to be mutual; that your needs matter–well, it’s very easy to feel panicky.

I told her about my own experience, and encouraged her to do some reading and talk to her husband and start to see sex in a different way. And, honestly, my Boost Your Libido course can help, too!

Are you TIRED of always being too tired?

Do you yearn to actually WANT to make love–and figure out what all the fuss is about?

There is a way! And in this 10-module course I take you through what libido is (it may surprise you!), what affects libido, and how we can reclaim the excitement that God made us for.

Take me to it!


















Comment: Let’s Speak up about Bad Teaching around Sex!

If we all spoke up more and corrected some misinformation about the teaching around sex, then we’d have fewer women panicky the way that I was–and the way our reader was. And we’d have fewer women with no libidos, and fewer women receiving nothing out of sex.

So when you hear something bad, speak up! That was the theme of several comments and emails that came in this week. After last week’s post on how women are more likely to be deprived, one woman wrote:

I have long wondered who came up with the idea that the half the population that is in possession of a clitoris and capable of successive orgasms is the LESS sexual half. If I may say it in a way that you are way too nice to men: if you think your wife is less sexual, you might just be bad in bed.

I would argue, however, with your point that “It’s not always (or even mostly) men who are doing this to women. It’s women ourselves…” I agree that it is women themselves in as far as they’ve internalized the purity message. But that message was preached largely by men (think about who heads most churches, authors most books, etc.), so in that sense it is men who have done this to women. They need to apologize (like Josh Harris) and, as you suggested, “start a different conversation.”
Thank you so much; I hope men hear you and really change the conversation. Men are, unfortunately, still more likely to listen to other men than to women, so if we could get a few to get our message out, that would really help.

I also received this email:

After reading your posts online about the Love and Respect book, I was quite upset to see that it is currently offered in our church library.  I brought up the topic with my husband and sister who both (rightly) advised that I read the book before officially requesting that it be removed from the church library.  I’ve read half the book and don’t have the will to read it fully.  It is so discouraging.  I found that for a book about love and respect, it sure wasn’t written in a loving and respectful manner.

(I don’t think you all have to read the book to discard it–I tried to write a detailed synopsis as I could, and I wrote over 10,000 words that week about it, so don’t spend the time! Honestly, there are great books to read. Better to spend the little time you do have to read books reading one of those great books!)

But I like her temerity here. She saw that the church library had something that was harmful in it, and she spoke up. It’s okay to speak up. It’s by speaking up that more people will understand what healthy sex is.

It’s honestly my belief, too, that most people are well-meaning. They don’t realize how toxic teaching like this is. When we point it out, it’s likely that they will listen (not always, but it is likely). Because what I’m saying is that sex should be mutual and that women matter. That’s the biblical view of sex. That’s God’s message about sex. There’s no reason for a true Bible-believing Christian to reject it. So let’s speak up and change this conversation!

That’s it for this week. I hope you’ll take my challenge from the beginning of the podcast and try those two simple things this week (listen in for more). They’re nothing to do with sex, but if you do them, you’ll feel closer to your husband (and that will help your sex life anyway!).

Next week we’ll be finishing off our talk about how sex should be mutual, and I have some great things to share. But in the meantime, let me know in the comments: Did anything really resonate with you this week? Let’s talk!

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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 27 years and happily married for 22! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.


Find Sheila Here:

Facebook
Twitter
Instagram
YouTube
Pinterest



Sheila's Favorite Posts on To Love, Honor and Vacuum:

10 ways to initiate sex
10 Effects of Porn on Your Brain, Marriage, & Sex Life
Why So Much Marriage Advice is So Trite
How can Sex be Hot and Holy at the Same Time?



Check out some of Sheila's Books:

The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex
31 Days to Great Sex
9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage
To Love, Honor, and Vacuum



Check out Sheila's Courses:

The Boost Your Libido Course
The Whole Story: Talking to Your Daughter about Sex, Puberty, and Growing Up
The FREE Emotional Intimacy E-Course



Are you ready to take your marriage to the next level?
Sign up for our emails and get access to the TLHV free marriage and parenting resource library. We have over 25 downloads and are constantly adding more. Sign up here!

Godly Sex is Mutual Sex: It’s Not Only About a Husband’s Needs

When I was first married, sex hurt. And I felt terribly guilty about that.

Have you ever looked back on your younger self and thought, “what in the world was I thinking? Why did I do that?”

I have. And there are parts of me, deep parts, that I am still trying to figure out.

Last month, when I wrote my review of Love & Respect, and saw how that book presented sex as solely about a man’s physical release, a lightbulb went off inside of me, and a little bit more healing happened. The book itself didn’t heal me (far from it; I feel that the book is dangerous); but instead, by recognizing the utterly false doctrine that I had unwittingly picked up, I understood more why, when we were first married, I felt that my pain did not matter.

A few weeks ago a reader sent me a link to an amazing article about how the price of men’s pleasure so often is women’s pain. It looked at how, for women, sex is often uncomfortable, painful, or coercive, and what is considered “bad” sex to men is merely boring sex, whereas “bad” sex to women is far more harmful. And so men really have no frame of reference for a lot of what women go through.

The article was mostly written about sex outside of marriage, and it’s easy to think that that article really has nothing to say about Christian marriages. But I’d like to tell a little bit of my story–even more than I revealed in The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex and in 9 Thoughts that Can Change Your Marriage–because it’s only recently that I even began to recognize why I did some of the things I did. So here goes.

As I have shared at length, our honeymoon night was awful.

We couldn’t even consummate our marriage because it hurt so much. I was beside myself. Keith was disappointed, and I was panicky. I was crying. I was devastated. And the next morning, before we left for our honeymoon getaway, I was determined to do this thing.

And we did. I grit my teeth and cried all the way through.

Over the next few weeks and months that pattern continued–I grit my teeth and cried and swallowed my pain every time we had sex.

But here’s what I want you all to understand: Keith was not guilting me into having sex. I was forcing myself to.

Keith has his own stories about what was going through his mind at the time, and that’s for another day (and he shares that a lot in our marriage conferences). But looking back, I know that I was the main instigator of making sure that we had sex, even if it hurt me.

When I started seeking counselling, they told us that we should take some time off of sex, and just do other things to have fun while I worked on what was causing my vaginismus. I couldn’t do that. I remember sitting on a couch in front of a counsellor, who gently said that the best thing we could do for our marriage was to pledge that over the next few months, we wouldn’t try intercourse. We would just do other things while we worked at getting to the root of the issue. He was kind. His voice was soothing.

And my my heart beat wildly. I could feel the panic rise. I broke out in a cold sweat. How could I go several months without having sex with Keith, even if sex hurt? I just couldn’t do that. We had to keep trying.

Why? Why couldn’t I agree to what was obviously the right course of action, to what was obviously best for both of us?

Other people were giving me permission not to have sex with my husband until we could figure this out. My husband was giving me permission not to have sex with him until we figured this out. Why could I not give myself that permission?

When I read the book Love & Respect last month, I finally understood why I was determined to do something that hurt me.

I grew up hearing the same message:

Men need physical release. They experience sex as love. Without sex, they can’t love. Without sex, it isn’t a real marriage.

And I desperately, desperately needed to feel loved. And not just that, but:

your husband has sexual needs that you, as a woman, can never, ever understand. He needs it so badly, in a way that you totally will never relate to. You just have to trust us on this, ladies. He really, really needs it.

There was little 21-year-old me, so desperate to have a marriage that worked, so desperate to have my husband love me. And no matter how many voices told me that it was okay, that we could work on this, that it would get better if we gave me some time, I couldn’t get that fear out of my mind.

If we don’t have sex, Keith will leave me. He won’t feel loved. This won’t be a real marriage.

And so I lay there, and I grit my teeth, and I tried to keep the tears in, and I tried to keep the sobs in, and I told him that we had to keep trying, no matter what.

Ultimately, I believed that whatever pleasure or physical release that Keith got from sex was far more important than any pain I was feeling.

His needs were more important because, as a woman, I could never, ever understand them. They must be so overwhelming that they would dwarf anything I was feeling.

That is what I grew up hearing. That is what the marriage books all said back then. And, as we learned in looking at Love & Respect, that is what the marriage books say today, too. (Except mine, of course! Yes, most men need sex. But sex was created for both of us, not just him!).

Too often we hear sex portrayed as being about a husband’s physical release, so that her experience is completely irrelevant. Love & Respect erased women’s pleasure, or even women’s comfort, from the equation. It said that there was never a reason to say no.

Men experience physical release as respect;
men need unconditional respect;
without respect, a man can’t love;
thus, you can never say no to sex.

I believed that. And at the same time, I was so, so hurt by it.

How could God create us so that the only way Keith could feel love was by hurting me? Why did I have to feel hurt so that Keith could feel pleasure? What is right about that?

(To reiterate, Keith felt really awful about this, too, and it was he who often put the brakes on things, far more than I did. But I was desperate to have sex work, and I often pressured him, because otherwise I felt like I would be a bad wife).

I want to go back to that young, 21-year-old wife and give her a different story.

I want to tell her that she matters. I want to tell her that sex is not about a man’s physical release; sex is about mutuality, about a deep intimacy that is physical but it’s also emotional and spiritual. I want to tell her that by concentrating only on the physical, we cheapen sex and devalue that emotional and spiritual connection. I want to tell her that without that deeper connection, we miss God’s design for sex. I want to tell her that sex that does not equally consider a woman’s experience is not sex as God designed. I want to tell her that sex is not about the husband; but that sex is about both of you, together.

Last week I talked about how the “do not deprive” verses are often used to pressure women into giving husbands sex–even though women are the ones who are more likely to be deprived of sexual pleasure. We read those verses wrong. They’re not about a husband’s lust; they’re supposed to present an even-handed look at sex.

Do Not Deprive: Are Women the Ones More Likely to Be Deprived?

Our Podcast on Why Women Matter with Sex

The biblical message about sex is not a gendered one, but a mutual one. We have made it a gendered one.

Yes, the genders do relate differently to sex. Yes, the genders tend to have different libidos (but remember that in 24-30% of marriages SHE is the higher drive spouse).

But the main message from the Bible is mutual. “Do Not Deprive” is written as complete mutuality, with equal and identical concern being shown to both people. “It is better to marry than to burn” is addressed to “the unmarried and to widows”–so it seems to be talking to women who may have passions. In the Old Testament, sex is referred to as a “deep knowing”, a deep intimacy that is about both of you feeling connected to each other. It’s not a one-sided taking.

We need to educate people on how the genders approach sex differently, yes. But if our main message about sex does not equal the Bible’s main message about sex–that is about a deep intimacy between two people, and it was designed for both–then we are going off track.

If sex is about two people, then both people matter.
If sex is about a deep intimacy, then both people’s experiences matter.
If sex is about a deep knowing, then sex can’t work if it’s only about one person taking.

 

It’s supposed to be great physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

Feel like something’s missing?

Check out The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex!

We simply have to find a more biblical way to talk about sex than having it always be about men’s physical needs. This month, I want to have that conversation in a more in-depth way. I want to do this not to “let women off the hook” so they don’t need to have sex. I believe that sex is vitally important, and that we miss out on something amazing when we don’t have sex. I believe that the sexual drive is a real one, and needs to be considered. I believe that sex-starved marriages are very wrong.

But in all of that, the bigger picture must never be forgotten, and it must never be subordinated to a much smaller message. Sex is about both of you. Both of you matter. Both of you should give and receive; both of you should feel loved and cherished. If those things are not true, then something is off. And it’s more important to figure out what is off than to just keep going through the motions, thinking that this makes your marriage biblical and godly, like I did.

You matter. Your spouse matters. Now let’s figure out how we can have a sex life which honours both of you.

What do you think? Can we come to a more even-handed definition of what sex is? I’ll be talking about that next week, but I’d love to hear what you think first!

More help to make sex feel great for women, too:



















Need more help? Try these!

How Women Can Have Multiple Orgasms

What is the G-Spot?

Becoming More Orgasmic

9 Great Sex Tips for Her

Author


Social Media


Sheila's Best Posts


Books


Courses


Freebie






Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 27 years and happily married for 22! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.


Find Sheila Here:

Facebook
Twitter
Instagram
YouTube
Pinterest



Sheila's Favorite Posts on To Love, Honor and Vacuum:

10 ways to initiate sex
10 Effects of Porn on Your Brain, Marriage, & Sex Life
Why So Much Marriage Advice is So Trite
How can Sex be Hot and Holy at the Same Time?



Check out some of Sheila's Books:

The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex
31 Days to Great Sex
9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage
To Love, Honor, and Vacuum



Check out Sheila's Courses:

The Boost Your Libido Course
The Whole Story: Talking to Your Daughter about Sex, Puberty, and Growing Up
The FREE Emotional Intimacy E-Course



Are you ready to take your marriage to the next level?
Sign up for our emails and get access to the TLHV free marriage and parenting resource library. We have over 25 downloads and are constantly adding more. Sign up here!







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