Sheila Wray Gregoire's Blog, page 89
February 19, 2019
What Can You Expect from an Appointment with a Pelvic Floor Physiotherapist?
Yesterday Sheela Zelmer, a physiotherapist who specializes in pelvic floor issues, shared with me how a pelvic floor physiotherapist may be able to help you–with your vaginismus, incontinence, other pelvic pain, and more. Many in the comments talked about how they were really helped by seeing a pelvic floor physiotherapist.
Still, I know that the idea of seeing one can seem scary. First, you may have talked to your doctor about these issues for years sometimes and not gotten anywhere. Will another specialist really be able to help? But also, if you’re experiencing pain “down there”, do you really want physiotherapy there?
So Sheela volunteered to come back today and talk to us about what to expect if you go see a pelvic floor physiotherapist. This month, we’re talking about sexual health, and how our bodies work (and don’t work). And I’m very passionate about this! So here’s Sheela:
Recently, I was in the lobby at church chatting with a group of women I had recently met and was faced with the inevitable question: “what do you do for a living”.
I am a pelvic floor physiotherapist.
Often, when I tell someone that, I am met with wide eyes and an awkward head nod since most people have never heard of pelvic floor physiotherapy. That brief moment in the lobby wasn’t enough to explain what I do, and since I am more of a one on one kind of gal, this is what I would share if we had the chance to sit down over coffee.
Yes, pelvic floor physiotherapy is a thing.
The pelvic floor is the name for the group of muscles below the belt that extends from the pubic bone in the front to the tailbone in the back and side to side from one sitting bone to another. It surrounds the abdomen, bladder, uterus, bowel, vagina and rectum. A pelvic floor dysfunction is when the pelvic floor isn’t working the way it is supposed to. Examples of pelvic floor dysfunctions include things like bladder leakage, painful intercourse (vaginismus and other conditions), prolapse, and pelvic pain.
Unfortunately, many women will experience pelvic floor dysfunction.
Up to half of all of women experience bladder leakage over the course of their lives
Between 10-33% of women report that sex is painful
and almost 10% of women report that they experience persistent pelvic pain
But the sad thing is that less than half of all women seek treatment, and it can take years to get a diagnosis (4). That is a significant number of women that are experiencing problems, but far too few are getting help. But I want to tell you, you’re not alone and there is help.
As a pelvic floor physiotherapist, I have advanced training in the pelvic floor and I work with women, men and kids to treat their pelvic floor dysfunction. But what does that mean?
When you arrive for your appointment you will have a lot of paperwork to fill out. Take your time and be honest. The questions can be quite personal, but your answers really help guide my assessment and treatment.
When it is time for your appointment to start, we will go into a private assessment room. Don’t worry, it is not out in the open or behind a curtained cubicle. I want you to be comfortable and feel safe to share what you are experiencing. I will review your paper work and probably ask you a few more questions just to make sure I understand what has been happening. It may be the first time someone has asked you about the details of what your experiencing, but it is so important that you feel you can fill me in on everything. I’ll also ask you what you hope to get out of our sessions. Every woman and every situation is different, so our treatment will be more successful if we both understand what we are working towards.
No, pelvic floor physiotherapy doesn’t hurt
The physical exam. For most women, it is the part that they dread, and it is my job to make sure you feel comfortable and safe. I will take my time explaining exactly what will happen during the examination, and how we will proceed. It is very important that you are comfortable with everything we will be doing and that you know you are free to ask as many questions as you need. I will only proceed once I get your go ahead, and we can stop at any time.
During the physiotherapy examination I will begin by examining your abdomen, hips and low back. Then I will examine the external part of your vulva and rectum. I am looking for anything that looks out of the ordinary like redness or scars. Once that is completed, I will proceed to the internal vaginal and rectal examination. This is nothing like a pap test. I will keep you covered with a paper sheet to maintain your dignity and proceed slowly explaining everything as we go. It should not be painful, and we can stop at any time if you are uncomfortable.
Based on your paperwork and on the physical examination, I will take the time to explain what I feel is causing your symptoms and make recommendations about how we can work together to treat the dysfunction. These recommendations might include exercises, tools such as dilators and wands, information about hydration, fibre, and general fitness as well as any manual treatment work I feel would be beneficial. I will also suggest how often you should come for treatment and estimate how long our treatment plan will take. You should leave your appointment with a clear idea about where to go from here.
If you suffer from vaginismus (pain during sex), incontinence, prolapse, or other issues, did you know that pelvic floor physiotherapists can help you? You don't have to suffer alone: Click To Tweet
Treatment plans for pelvic floor issues vary, just like us.
Some dysfunctions can be addressed in 6-8 weeks and others can take up to a year, but I will do my best to communicate reasonable expectations so we can maximize our time together.
So where do I go from here?
(*** Disclosure of conflict: I am a paid independent contractor for Pelvic Health Solutions***)
It is interesting that there seems to be a physiotherapy clinic on every street corner, but very few pelvic floor physiotherapists. At the moment, we are a relatively small group of physiotherapists but we are growing. In Canada, each province has a regulatory College for practicing physiotherapists. You can use the search feature to find a pelvic floor physiotherapist near you. Also, many mom’s groups have Facebook groups and they may be able to give you the name of someone they’ve found helpful. And finally, there are independent registries for pelvic floor physiotherapists, but this varies between countries, states and provinces. Pelvic Health Solutions has an excellent Canadian list.
One final word about pelvic floor physiotherapy
Pelvic floor dysfunction is very common, but seldom talked about. When things are hidden and silent, shame grows. When we talk about our experiences it heals not only ourselves but others too and shame has nowhere to hide. Our bodies are a beautiful gift, so let’s keep honest conversations going. Our daughters and granddaughters will thank us.
I’m so glad Sheela joined us, because I believe many of us are suffering needlessly when there is help available. Have you ever been to a pelvic floor physiotherapist? Do you want to share what happened in your appointment?
About Sheela
Sheela Zelmer, Pelvic Floor Physiotherapist.
Sheela is a pelvic floor physiotherapist in the Greater Toronto Area treating women, men and children with pelvic floor dysfunction. She is also an instructor and teaching assistant with Pelvic Health Solutions, educating physiotherapists and other health professionals as they foster pelvic health with their clients.
February 18, 2019
Could A Pelvic Floor Physiotherapist Help You?
This month I want to cover more about how the female body actually works when it comes to sex, and frequently I get questions from women whose bodies are distinctly NOT working.
Here, for example, are a few that I’ve received recently from women suffering from vaginismus and other pain:
Reader Question
I have struggled with painful sex for most of my marriage (it was better once I started sleeping more once kids were older and we had more sex, but then got more difficult again with early onset of menopause). We haven’t had intercourse for 3 years now because I finally said it burns and the gels etc don’t work. And although it was often painful, I miss it. Are we doomed to the rest of our marriage with no intercourse and just pleasuring each other in other ways?
Here’s another:
Reader Question
When I first got married, sex was amazing. Fun, able to have orgasm, all of the above. Within a few months I began having pain and even during the times that it’s not painful, it’s only “meh”. I have stopped the pill (likely a contributor to health problems I was having). I have cut out all “irritating” food and drink after Dr diagnosed vestibulitis. Still not much improvement. And there doesn’t seem to be any rhyme or reason. It’s not a lack of lubrication (although that is an issue at times, we use a lubricant) What can I do!?
The simple truth is this:
Sex, while it is more than just physical, is DEFINITELY physical. And like any other parts of our bodies, our pelvic and genital regions can cause problems that make sex difficult.
The problem is that when we have problems sexually, we usually assume the problem is with us–something about our emotions or our relationship. We rarely seek out help, or at least we wait a long time to do it (I’m glad the second woman did see a doctor!). And so we often suffer in silence.
I shared my own story of vaginismus in The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex. I said:
The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex:
When I walked down the aisle, I was carrying a huge amount of baggage related to trust. I had been left by my dad as a baby, abandoned by my step-father as a teen, and rejected just two months before my wedding by my fiancé. The latter man eventually changed his mind and came crawling back, and I welcomed him with open arms. Unfortunately, the rest of my body didn’t cooperate. As much as I loved my husband and wanted to make love, I was scared to get too vulnerable, and my body wouldn’t relax. And when you can’t relax, sex hurts.
…[A]fter confiding to a close family member about my problems, I was marched off to a gray-haired gynecologist, who explained to me that I just needed to get in touch with my vagina. He would conduct a full examination, with my husband present, inviting me to touch everything and name everything so I wouldn’t be scared of anything anymore. Apparently magically saying the word “vagina” is supposed to eradicate deep-seated trust issues. … I hyperventilated and beat a hasty retreat, never to darken the door of that particular doctor again.
I saw a doctor–a doctor who was supposed to be an expert in this. But even he didn’t realize what I really needed.
Thankfully, treatments have come so much further today, and the most trained medical practitioners for this are not actually physicians but instead physiotherapists with a specialty in pelvic floor issues.
Two years ago I gave my Girl Talk presentation about marriage & sex in a church in southern Ontario, and Sheela Zelmer, a pelvic floor physiotherapist, was in attendance.
I told her about my passion for getting women help in this area, and last week she sent me some information I’ll be sharing with you tomorrow about what to expect from an appointment with a pelvic floor physiotherapist. To start us off, though, I asked her to share with me some stories of people that she has helped, to show you that there often is treatment for some of these conditions.
Here’s Sheela: (It’s so hard to type that name with that spelling! 
February 15, 2019
4 Ways to Build a Strong Marriage Support System
We all need a marriage community–a support system around us of couples our age, and maybe a mentor couple that’s a little bit older, that can breathe into our lives, hold us accountable, and inspire us.
In simpler words, we’re supposed to live in community.
I travel around as a speaker, and sometimes I get to speak in my hometown. Girl Talk is my event that I bring to churches where I talk about marriage and sex and everything in between. One of my favourite parts of the night is the anonymous Q&A, where people write down questions and I get a chance to answer as many as I can in 20 minutes.
Now, throughout the evening people were laughing hysterically and loudly (it’s really a very funny event), and there was one time where people clapped after a particularly funny sequence. But the only time people spontaneously clapped after something serious that I said was something that was unscripted. I was answering a question about what to do if your husband watches porn, and I said something to the effect of:
In churches we concentrate so much on whether or not someone has “said the prayer”, but we do very little to make sure that people are growing emotionally and spiritually. And that needs to stop. We need to be coming alongside our friends and saying, “I don’t think so. That is NOT going to happen anymore.” We need to be watching for friends who are in difficult marriages and going and supporting them. If we’re not doing that, then what is the body of Christ for?
I really hit a nerve with that one, and maybe you feel that longing, too.
You need a group of people that know you and your husband and that you can see on a semi-regular basis and start forming relationships with. We all need friends. Your husband isn’t enough. And it’s FUN to have other adults to get together with!
So let’s look at several different ways you can start to get to know other couples:
If you're married, you need COUPLE FRIENDS! Four strategies to build those relationships:Click To Tweet
Marriage Community Strategy #1: The Marriage Study Group
Here’s the point of this one: you find a group of at least two other couples and you meet on a regular basis to talk about marriage or to do a marriage study. That way you’re talking about some of the hard stuff together, and you have a group of people to go to if you have issues.
My daughter and her husband get together with two other couples every week, and they chose to study my book 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage (and I didn’t even make them or anything!). They’re using the free study guide I have for it (and you can all use that, too!). The only rule they have is that if they’re ever talking about something in the book that refers to sex, they’re no longer talking about Keith and Sheila. They’re Craig and Shelly, for Rebecca’s sake (because seriously, who wants to talk about her mom and dad having sex?)
I just want to really emphasize this right now:
All of you young, millennial marriages, can I suggest something? Now is the time of your life when this will be easiest to do. Many of you don’t have children yet. Your schedules are less busy than they will be in ten years (even if you feel like you’re incredibly busy already). Now is the time to create those friendships that will be with you when the kids start coming (if they do), and when life gets more complicated. And if you can create that community now, you’re setting yourself up for those great relationships when you need them.
Are you PeaceKEEPING or PeaceMAKING?
There’s a huge difference between the two. And if you don’t get it right–you’ll never be able to feel truly intimate in your marriage.
There’s a better way!
Take me to it!
Marriage Community Strategy #2: The Small Group Bible Study
Many churches encourage people to join a small group Bible study, often based on geography (so people who live near each other meet every week or two to do a Bible study or book study together). Often these studies aren’t based on age, so you’ll get couples and singles of all different ages joining.
I really like this model, because it can help you get to know older couples and mentor couples, and it can help you mentor other couples (if you’re the older one!) or singles. Sometimes I think we divide out too much by age, and then we don’t get the wisdom that people older than us have.
I’ve also been in small groups where it’s all couples with young kids, so that we can pool baby-sitting. That was really helpful at the time, too.
Marriage Community Strategy #3: The Social Group
Maybe you’re not part of a church, or you can’t commit to a regular small group because of work schedules (been there, done that). That’s okay! Perhaps you have a group of couples that you get together with on a regular basis. Camping together every summer, doing holidays with other families you are close with in the church, or having set-aside times where you gather not just to let the kids hang out, but to make memories as a group.
Just spending down time with people and laughing with people forms friendships so that you do have people who have your back–and who will support your marriage. I think because we know each other’s kids so well, too, we really have an incentive to root for each other’s marriages!
Marriage Community Strategy #4: The Service Group
I once spoke at a church in Yakima, Washington, that promoted belonging to a small group. But the way they defined small group was different from how we usually picture it. Basically, you could join a traditional small group, OR you could be part of a service group. If you ran the youth group, for instance, then your small group would “naturally” be the other youth group volunteers.
I liked that idea, because Keith and I have served a lot in churches, and when we were involved running Bible quizzing, or when I ran a praise team, I was already out of the house one or two nights a week. To join another small group was just too hard. But also, you really get to know the people that you serve with! So to intentionally think of them as your small group is really smart. I knew the people on my praise team so well after seven years, and the people that we ran Bible quizzing with? Well, let’s just say that even though they moved away six years ago, the wife now works for me and the husband, who is a chaplain in the military, is going to do our “remembrance of vows” ceremony at our twenty-fifth anniversary party in a week!
We stayed close, because we did so much together. Youth weekend retreats, battling with church politics, etc. etc. You form a real bond!
I find that the people that I work with become my natural small group and great accountability partners. Here are two women who have worked with me hamming it up at my daughter’s wedding!
So there you have it–four ways to really get to know other couples who can support your marriage and hold you accountable.
Do you have a strong marriage community? Four ways to get one in real lifeClick To Tweet
I don’t care which one you have. Seriously. I think it’s wonderful to be able to study the Bible together or study a marriage book together and pray for each other, but I know from personal experience that I’ve had great, strong accountability relationships with people that I never opened a Bible with, because we were serving together and we knew each other really well. The main thing is that you need ONE of them.
To really form a marriage community, you need:
A long term relationship (as much as possible)
Accountability awareness (you know you can call each other on stuff)
A sense of caring/responsibility for each other
Even after one of my accountability friends moved away, when her husband was diagnosed with cancer, I volunteered to get on a plane the next day (though that didn’t end up being necessary). And when we threw our 25th anniversary party, three couples who were part of that first marriage community we had when we were first married drove several hours to come join us, and my friends Tammy and Steeve (that is how you spell his name), whom we ran the Bible quizzing tournament with, travelled 8 hours to be with us.
Look, I love the fact that you all come here to see what I have to say about marriage.
I really do! And I love the fact that so many of you share my posts with friends.
Online communities are wonderful, and are great resources to answer tough questions.
But they are not enough.
So let me challenge you today: what marriage community building strategy can you use?
Let’s talk in the comments about what’s worked for you, and what you’d like to try.
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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 27 years and happily married for 22! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.Find Sheila Here:YouTube
Sheila's Favorite Posts on To Love, Honor and Vacuum:
10 ways to initiate sex
10 Effects of Porn on Your Brain, Marriage, & Sex Life
Why So Much Marriage Advice is So Trite
How can Sex be Hot and Holy at the Same Time?
Check out some of Sheila's Books:
The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex
31 Days to Great Sex
9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage
To Love, Honor, and Vacuum
Check out Sheila's Courses:
The Boost Your Libido Course
The Whole Story: Talking to Your Daughter about Sex, Puberty, and Growing Up
The FREE Emotional Intimacy E-Course
Are you ready to take your marriage to the next level?
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February 14, 2019
Our Valentine’s Day Podcast! On Sexual Confidence, Mutual Sex, and More!
It’s time for a new episode of the To Love, Honor and Vacuum podcast!
And Happy Valentine’s Day! This one has lots of fun things about making sex great, getting over hurdles, and more.
I hope you all will listen, but if you don’t have time, I’ll have some links and rabbit trails below so you can read all you want as well!
And consider this podcast “extras”. If you want to go deeper into what I talked about in the podcast, here are some more things to help you.
But first, here’s the podcast:
Main Segment: How Can I Be Sexually Confident?
Whether you’re British, Southern, Mennonite, Lutheran, Baptist, Kenyan, or whatever–you can be a sexually confident woman (and I’ve heard all of those excuses as I’ve been speaking–“but that’s just not who I am!”)
You were created to be sexual, and you were created to express that in marriage. Passion is part of who you are. And in this segment I’m actually getting a little more theological to talk about how to we can develop sexual confidence.
Over this week I’ve given lots of practical tips on how to get more adventurous in bed and have some more fun, but I wanted to look at it from a different perspective today and talk about what to do if you just feel lost in this whole thing because you’re just not a sexual person.
A few things I mentioned in the podcast segment: First, if you grew up with a church culture that told you that sex was all about him–no wonder you’re not sexual!
Like this post so far? You should also check out:
Pastors: Enough with the “Boys Will Be Boys”
Why Every Man’s Battle Backfires
How Love & Respect Gets Sex all Wrong
Can We Talk About Men’s Sexual Needs in a Healthy Way?
If you grew up feeling like you were a stumbling block to guys, that your body was somehow evil, that sex was all for him–well, it’s no wonder that you don’t feel like a sexual being! But that is not how sex is, and there is a better way of talking about sex.
And if you’ve never really experienced pleasure during sex, here are some posts that can help, too!
Need more help? Try these!
When You’ve Never Had an Orgasm: How to Experience the Breakthrough
Finally Reaching Orgasm–-a Breakthrough
Millennial Marriage: How millennials approach marriage differently
Rebecca and I were looking at an article about how millennials are doing marriage so differently, and often getting married at a much later age.
Here’s what we were talking about:
John Gottmann–How Millennials are redefining marriage
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with getting married later, but I do think that it should be because that’s what God has for you, not because you’re deliberately leaving marriage until later so that you can live your life first. I do think that that gives some dangerous priorities that may show up later.
Top 10 Reasons for Marrying Young
Do I Have to Finish College Before a Relationship?
Reader Question: My Husband Won’t Talk During Sex!
A reader writes:
Sex is 2-3 times a week and is physically great for both of us. But he won’t say anything when we are being intimate, not even “I love you.” I have tried explaining to him how happy this would make me, and how much it increases feeling if intimacy for me, but he is unwilling or unable to do it. I’m an INFP and he is an ENTJ …so I’m thinking he just isn’t comfortable expressing his feelings. How can I help him? He’s definitely one to resist if he feels nagged and I don’t want to make him feel bad because he is a great husband. But on the other hand, living my whole life without feeling tenderness in the bedroom makes me so sad. Can I press the issue? Or do I just need to look for the other ways he shows his affection and leave him alone
Great question! And I promised her that I’d link to my MBTI and marriage series, where I talked about the different personality types (that’s what she means by INFP and ENTJ).
And sometimes (I’m not saying it’s necessarily the case here) people can’t talk during sex because our porn culture has taught us that intimacy is actually a turn off. It’s anonymity that’s sexy.
But the bigger point is that it’s okay for her to express what she needs. Sex should be about her, too! And if she has a hard time with that, she can try the idea of his nights and her nights.
And, of course, my sexy dares include 8 dares that he takes the lead on where he learns how to cater to HER, too!
Does your marriage need some spicing up–and some fun?
Try these 24 dares–plus one bonus–to take your marriage to the next level!
Let's add some heat!
Reader Comments: How Porn Use Stunts Emotional Growth
I’m down in Louisiana right now at an RV park getting ready to give my Girl Talk in Lake Charles on Sunday night, so I couldn’t record a new segment of comments this week. (I recorded the podcast as a whole before I left!). So Rebecca recorded this segment for me, using some of the interesting comments coming out of last week’s post on porn and anger.
I do think Covenant Eyes is a great tool for helping the healing process start. It doesn’t cure anything, but it does set the stage so that you can do the hard work without all the temptation. And the website has a ton of helpful resources and challenges, too, both for husbands and wives.
And remember–you get 30 days free when you sign up with my link!
That’s all for the podcast today! Normally I also post a recent comment, but I’ve been away for three weeks in our RV on a speaking tour in the southern states (I’m speaking in Louisiana this weekend!), and I recorded all of these before I left. So I couldn’t tell what the recent comments would be.
But that gives you lots to mull over. And I do hope you have an awesome Valentine’s Day.
What did you think of this week’s podcast? Remember to rate it 5 stars and write a review! That helps it get seen by more people, and I’d love to see more people find healthy resources for sex in marriage.
February 13, 2019
What is the G-Spot? And How Can I Find It?
Does the G-spot exist? And what is it?
Here at To Love, Honor and Vacuum (where we talk about how to make marriage and sex more than just chores!) I like to be a safe place to talk about sex. I know that there are some things that people want to know, but they’re afraid to Google (for good reason). And I have so many people telling me that they got most of their sex education from me (which is an honor, but also kind of a big responsibility!).
So I thought this month, for Valentine’s Day, we’d tackle some topics about women’s arousal and pleasure we haven’t tackled before–namely the G-spot and multiple orgasms. I did talk about the G-spot a bit in The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, but I want to delve into it a little bit more today. Yes, this post is going to be graphic. But I’m going to try to keep it in good taste. And honestly, this is just medical information. I hope that I can help women learn more about their bodies!
So what is the G-spot?
Well, that’s actually a big debate. So let’s talk about what people generally mean when they say “g-spot”. The term, named after German gynecologist Ernst Grafenberg, was made popular in the 1980s. It’s about 2 inches up the front wall of the vagina (the same side as your belly button, not your back). Originally it was thought to be about a 1 inch square sized bit of flesh.
The first people to write about the G-spot said that it caused intense vaginal orgasms, and, in some cases, d “female ejaculation”, where, at orgasm, you suddenly “squirt” some liquid. Many women are afraid when this happens that they just peed; not at all. It’s a totally different fluid. This has been documented for hundreds of years in some pretty scary old medical books for some pretty scary treatments (as you can imagine), but there’s no doubt that it can happen.
All kinds of articles were written to try to teach women how to locate their G-spot. Sex toys were made that would do this. Women’s magazines in the 1990s and early 2000s routinely wrote articles about this “new” thing which had just been learned, and helping women try to reach new heights of pleasure.
The problem was that a lot of women couldn’t find a specific spot. They were reading all these articles saying, “It’s there! You should find it!” But sex itself didn’t seem to be able to stimulate it. So researchers jumped in the game and tried to find a specific spot, too. They couldn’t, and when they released their study saying that the G-spot didn’t exist, they got all kinds of pushback from women saying, “but it does! I can feel it!”
So what’s the truth about the G-spot?
What researchers now believe is that the G-spot isn’t a specific spot, as much as it is a region on the front wall of vagina, on the other side of the urethral sponge (which is often why sex can feel better when you have to go to the bathroom a little bit). And the G-spot is not a separate entity, but rather the result of “roots” of the clitoris. They think that the clitoris, that little “bulb” or “button” of flesh in front of the urethra, in the vulva (so between your two folds of skin on your vulva) has “legs” or roots that extend up the front wall of the vagina when aroused, and that this can cause far more intense orgasms than just the clitoris alone.
Some women seem to be far more sensitive in that area than others, and it seems to be due to the thickness of the tissue in the area. But it’s something science is still trying to figure out.
Here’s an anatomical illustration to show you:
What does this mean for you?
I figure it can be a pretty fun research project! No one should feel like they have to find a G-spot, or that they’re somehow inadequate if they don’t. And remember that even women who do say they have one often have a difficult time experiencing orgasm through “missionary” position sex, because the penis just isn’t putting pressure on the right place at the right angle.
One of the dares in my new Sexy Dares Product is to help you find the G-spot (or at least figure out what angles feel better for you), and it’s got some fun tips about positions, etc.
Does your marriage need some spicing up–and some fun?
Try these 24 dares–plus one bonus–to take your marriage to the next level!
Let's add some heat!
But one of the big things to remember–which I tell people all the time at my Girl Talk–is that if you tilt your pelvis while you’re making love, and clench your butt a bit, you’re more likely to activate some of those nerve endings on the front wall of the vagina. You get your body in a better position; your muscles are activated; and pressure is put a bit on that urethral sponge which can push down on that region and feel better.
Look at that illustration again. See how if you just tilt forward, the pubic bone puts more pressure on the urethra, which puts pressure on that part of he vaginal wall. And it simultaneously puts pressure on the clitoris. Tilting activates all the right things.
So here’s the tip: during intercourse in any position, get comfortable. Then, once you are, tilt your hips a bit. And now, try making circles instead of thrusting, and just see if it feels any different!
And if you want to have some more fun, check out the 24 sexy dares we created! They’re only $4.99, so they’re super cheap, right in time for Valentine’s Day. And you can get “invites” to print out for your husband to tell him that you bought this for him for Valentine’s Day, too (you get that when you order). The price will go up after Valentine’s Day, so try them out now!
I’m not sure if anyone will want to comment on something so personal (I often guess wrong on these things), but if you do, let me know: do you think the G-spot is a thing? What’s the best way to find out?
Learn Great Sex Tips!
10 Ways to Make Sex Feel Amazing for Him
How to Find a Safe Place to Learn More About Sex
31 Days to Great Sex Challenge
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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 27 years and happily married for 22! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
Find Sheila Here:
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Sheila's Favorite Posts on To Love, Honor and Vacuum:
10 ways to initiate sex
10 Effects of Porn on Your Brain, Marriage, & Sex Life
Why So Much Marriage Advice is So Trite
How can Sex be Hot and Holy at the Same Time?
Check out some of Sheila's Books:
The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex
31 Days to Great Sex
9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage
To Love, Honor, and Vacuum
Check out Sheila's Courses:
The Boost Your Libido Course
The Whole Story: Talking to Your Daughter about Sex, Puberty, and Growing Up
The FREE Emotional Intimacy E-Course
Are you ready to take your marriage to the next level?
Sign up for our emails and get access to the TLHV free marriage and parenting resource library. We have over 25 downloads and are constantly adding more. Sign up here!
Does Your Sex Life Need a Pick-Me-Up?
Maybe it's gotten stale. Maybe it's never felt that great. Or maybe you just feel like you're missing something!
February 12, 2019
10 Kissing Games to Play with Your Husband
Kissing in marriage should be fun!
But too often kissing stops once we’re married. We see it as foreplay, and many women don’t want to put a downpayment down on something they may not want to buy later, if you know what I mean. And many men don’t see the point in kissing if it’s not going to go somewhere, right now.
And that’s sad, because we lose one of the best ways to flirt, laugh, boost your libido, feel close, and all those fun things!
This week there are lots of sad things in the news. Politics is perplexing. There’s a huge expose of sexual abuse in the Southern Baptist Church. Bad news everywhere.
But it’s Valentine’s Day week, so this week we’re going to have some fun!
Yesterday I shared a new product I’ve created with 24 sexy dares that you can do together–8 for her; 8 for him; and 8 for you both together. I hope those help you spice things up and have some fun!
Take me to them!
Today I want to talk about what can come BEFORE those dares–namely kissing! Let’s start smooching, to get the engines running and have fun. So consider the dares the R-rated version, and consider these more PG. But both are important!
And kissing helps you in ways you may not know! The extra saliva production helps your teeth. It lowers anxiety and blood pressure. It exercises your face! And best of all, it makes you feel close.
So here goes–10 kissing games you can add to your marriage to have some fun. Pick one and do it this week!
1. Recreate a movie kiss
Have a favourite movie? Watch it, and study one of the best kisses. Then try to recreate it! Some of my favourites: the “practice” kiss from The Wedding Singer for something sweet; the passionate kiss on the dock from The Notebook (bonus if you say “It wasn’t over. It still isn’t over!”) or from The Titanic; the silly upside down kiss from Spiderman (the Tobey Maguire version); the “accidental” eating the same spaghetti noodle kiss from Lady & the Tramp. Study the kiss first (often you can find clips on YouTube) and then try to act it out, move for move!
2. Recreate your first kiss
What were you doing? What were you thinking? What led up it?
Try to remember, and then relive it!
3. Kiss them when they can’t move–first one to laugh loses!
One of you has to stand or sit stock still. You can’t move. Not even your lips. The other has to kiss you on the mouth, lips, everything. The first one to laugh loses! Do this one back and forth periodically and keep a running tally of who’s the first to cave. It can leave you in stitches.
4. Kiss to a Timer!
Often we think we kiss for a lot longer than we actually do. Set a timer for 15 seconds and kiss the whole time. It’s a lot longer than you think. And you may find that halfway through your mood changes and you get really into it!
5. Undress while kissing—and no opening eyes, either!
Okay, here’s one that will either have you passionate or having you laughing like crazy. I’m betting on the latter for most of you.
The rules: take off any item of clothing which has to be removed over the head, but leave everything else on (even socks). Now, start kissing, and you have to remove every item of clothing the other person is wearing (yes, even socks) without unlocking your lips or opening your eyes. It’s harder than it sounds! And it’s kinda funny.
Try these! They're fun: 10 Kissing Games to Play with Your Spouse: Click To Tweet
6. Guess the Flavour Kiss
Buy some flavoured lip balms and give him a long, luxurious kiss. Then ask him to guess the flavour you’re wearing! Give him three options to choose from to make it easier (is it apple; strawberry; or mint?)
7. The ACTUAL Kissing Game
This works just like the classic “drinking” game, when every time someone does something predictable that’s been decided on beforehand you take a drink. The classic is political debates–whenever anyone uses a stock phrase, you drink up.
Well, here we’re going to kiss up! Here are some ideas:
Watch a Hallmark movie, and every time someone says a “fake” swear word (like dagnubit), you kiss
Watch a Twilight movie, and every time there’s a meaningful stare across a movie, you kiss (that’s about 1/4 of the movies, apparently, so that’s a lot of kissing)
Watch an episode of Friends, and every time Joey does something stupid or people laugh at Joey, you kiss
Watch a football game, and every time a penalty flag is thrown
Watch an action movie, and every time a gun is fired
etc. etc. You can make up your own!
8. The Kiss’n Massage Me Game
Okay, maybe this one isn’t really a game. It’s just something I love. Take turns massaging each other’s necks, temple, and jawline and jaw muscles. (My jaw muscles are always so tight I really need this). Then, when you’re done and they’re really relaxed, kiss your spouse everywhere you’ve massaged them, ending with their lips.
10 Super Fun Games to Get You Kissing--and Laughing! Keep the romance alive in marriage--and try these fun kissing games.Click To Tweet
9. Yoga Kissing (for Flexibility)
Another one guaranteed to get you laughing! Choose a yoga pose; both of you do it. Then figure out how to kiss without falling over or letting go of too much of the pose. Great ones to try are:
Triangle Pose
Tree Pose
Warrior II
Balancing the Cat
Not flexible enough? Try kissing while playing twister!
10. The “Gross Your Kids Out” Kissing Game
My personal favourite–gross out your kids! Kiss in front of your children. Nothing R rated, of course. But kiss like crazy! Kids actually like seeing that their parents enjoy each other and are affectionate together. They may say Eeeewwww. Older ones may say, “get a room!” But let your kids know that marriage is fun, you love each other, and your marriage is rock solid.
February 11, 2019
24 Sexy Dares to Spice up Your Marriage!
Sometimes we all need a little spice in our marriage!
Has sex gotten kind of, well, stale?
Do you want to try new things, but you’re just embarrassed and feel awkward asking for them? Maybe you don’t even know what you want–you just know there must be more out there. And you certainly don’t want to Google it!
I’ve created an awesome new product with 24 dares–8 for her, 8 for him, and 8 couple ones–to help you have more fun, laugh more, and explore more. Plus you’ll feel closer!
Sex in marriage is meant to be awesome–physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
These dares are tailor made so that you can discover what actually feels good physically for both of you, without transgressing anybody’s boundaries. There’s lots of room for exploration and fun.
But they’ll also help you feel emotionally close, too.
People sometimes mistakenly believe that “spicing it up” means that you make it less personal, less emotional, more almost “carnal”. I don’t agree. When sex feels stale, like you’re going through the motions, but you feel like you’re missing something, then it isn’t necessarily close emotionally. When you try some fun games, though, then you’re laughing together. You’re experiencing together. You’re becoming more engaged in the process. You’re actually becoming more you.
You’re not on auto pilot. You’re fully, 100% present in the moment with your spouse. And that does make you feel emotionally close!
Plus I have a special bonus dare (yep–there are actually 25 dares!) that may surprise you. But it will also take you to new levels of spiritual intimacy as well.
Take me to them!
The dares are custom-made to help us get over sexual hurdles and confidence hurdles, too.
Sometimes women especially have a difficult time expressing what they want. It’s easier to do new things if you don’t have to spell out what you want to do, but it’s written down and you just follow the instructions!
But beyond that, I’ve designed the dares so that the ones that SHE has to do and the ones that HE has to do are very different. Hers are often focused on teasing and flirting with him and drawing things out, while simultaneously boosting her sexual confidence and her body image. His are often focused on drawing out the foreplay, helping her feel loved and cherished while also getting her aroused like he may never have before. And then the ones you do together are spicy in a whole new way, as you explore new things.
You see, it’s not only about new things (though there are new things). It’s also about learning how to make sex totally mutual, so that she receives a lot of pleasure, too, and so that he feels that she’s enthusiastic! Sometimes there are things we know feel good, but we don’t take enough time on them, and we don’t discover all the ways that you both can find pleasure in them. The sexy dares give you the chance to give things that excite you the time they deserve.
When you’re all done, you’ll know more about each other, you’ll feel close, and you’ll have a whole new level of intimacy and fun!
What are the sexy dares like?
Want to try “Texas Hold Em?” Or maybe “No Clean Up on Aisle 5”? Or how about “The Rocket Launcher”? Brooklyn 99 fans will enjoy “The Charles Boyle”. And he will definitely love “It’s Hard to Watch.” Plus you’ll both love being able to be teacher for a night!
When you purchase the dares, you’ll get immediate access to a private, password protected page (one for her and one for him) where you can browse the dares. “Her” page has her 8 dares, plus the 8 couple dares and the bonus. “His” page has his 8 dares, plus the couple dares and the bonus.
Each sexy dare has:
N
An Enticing Title
To get you thinking in the right direction…
j
A Short Description...
That won’t give much away, but will let your imagination run wild!
p
Extra Information
Anything you need to prepare beforehand, plus what time/setting is best for the dare
The Dare Itself
Hidden behind a toggle box that you only see when you WANT to see it. So you can keep it a surprise if you want, or read it early!
You can either read the dare immediately, or keep it secret until the time is right. It’s entirely up to you!
You also have the option to print everything out in a .pdf, so you don’t have to keep coming back to the page. There’s even the option of turning the page into an app for your phone to make it super easy to use.
(And while a few dares to need extras, they’re not difficult to find. You likely already have them at home. Most dares need nothing extra at all, and doing these won’t cost you a lot of money or take a lot of extra time!).
Do the sexy dares make me do anything weird?
Nope. They really don’t. And if there’s anything you may feel uncomfortable with, there are tips given on how to change it so it’s easier.
There’s nothing involving sex toys. Nothing involving porn. Nothing involving weird role playing, BDSM, or any unhealthy sexual practices.
But there’s still a lot of room for very healthy, spicy sex!
Does your marriage need some spicing up–and some fun?
Try these 24 dares–plus one bonus–to take your marriage to the next level!
Let's add some heat!
Want the sexy dares for Valentine’s Day?
I’ve got them on for a launch price of only $4.99. That’s super cheap (like my 31 Days to Great Sex challenge) because I want to make the resources easy to afford for people. And they make an awesome Valentine’s Day gift! In fact, if you buy them, we’ll send you some coupons this week you can print out and put into a Valentine’s Day card for your husband or wife!
Sometimes we all need to jumpstart our intimacy, and I hope this does that for you.
Keith and I will be doing the bonus on Valentine’s Day as our date (don’t worry; that’s not TMI). I think the bonus is one of my favourites, even though it’s not what you’d expect. But it’s sexy on a whole new level, and I hope it blesses your marriage, too!
Author
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Sheila's Best Posts
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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 27 years and happily married for 22! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.Find Sheila Here:YouTube
Sheila's Favorite Posts on To Love, Honor and Vacuum:
10 ways to initiate sex
10 Effects of Porn on Your Brain, Marriage, & Sex Life
Why So Much Marriage Advice is So Trite
How can Sex be Hot and Holy at the Same Time?
Check out some of Sheila's Books:
The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex
31 Days to Great Sex
9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage
To Love, Honor, and Vacuum
Check out Sheila's Courses:
The Boost Your Libido Course
The Whole Story: Talking to Your Daughter about Sex, Puberty, and Growing Up
The FREE Emotional Intimacy E-Course
Are you ready to take your marriage to the next level?
Sign up for our emails and get access to the TLHV free marriage and parenting resource library. We have over 25 downloads and are constantly adding more. Sign up here!
February 8, 2019
Tell Him What Feels Good!
Are you shy?
I don’t mean scared at parties. I mean, do you have difficulty letting your husband know what feels good in bed?
Even saying that probably made some of you blush! After all, sex isn’t really something we talk about very much. And it’s kind of embarrassing to actually tell someone–even if it’s your husband–what you’re feeling in that department. It feels somehow, well, wrong.
But it’s not!
It’s just part of being intimate.
We talk a lot about the mutuality of sex here on the blog–often we, as women, grow up hearing messages that make us think that sex is all for him, or just about physical release. But what if God meant it to be more than that? What if God’s design for sex has less to do with release, and more to do with deep knowing of each other–what if it’s about intimacy?
Sometimes being intimate is something you have to grow into. It’s not something you all of a sudden learn as soon as you get married. We grow up knowing that sex is not talked about in polite conversation; we grow up assuming that good girls don’t talk about it; and if we don’t talk about it, we don’t FEEL it. We don’t have those feelings at all.
But we do! Even if it’s hard to tell him.
So take a deep breath with me, because I’m going to ask you to do something scary. I’m going to ask you to actually speak up.
That can be hard to do, because you may not actually know what you like. Many women don’t. And here’s part of the problem: when we get married, we don’t actually know how to touch each other well. Men tend to like touch to be rougher; women tend to like it lighter. So when he touches you, chances are he’s too rough. When you touch him, you may be too light.
What that means for you, though, is that he may touch you, and you may think, “Oh, that doesn’t feel good. I guess I don’t like that.” But maybe you do. He may just not know how to touch you, and you may not know how to show him.
Then you get in this habit where he’s impatient to “get on with it”, and you figure you may as well, because other things aren’t feeling good anyway. And so sex becomes blah.
Don’t settle for that! You were made to feel pleasure. Sex is supposed to feel good for you, not just for him. And when you feel good, it’s more of a mutual experience. It feels more intimate. And he will enjoy it more, too.
Need an easier way to have these conversations?
31 Days to Great Sex guides you through exercises so that you can talk about libido, frequency, intimacy, in a low-stress, easy way.
No blaming. Just solutions–and a whole lot of fun!
Let's try it!
Some guys don’t always understand this, because they figure you should be able to get turned on just through intercourse, the way they do. If you don’t, there must be something wrong with you. Nope. There isn’t. It’s just that you require different kinds of stimulation.
During my 29 Days to Great Sex, if you worked through it from beginning to end, you did some exercises to discover what you actually like, and to show your husband the benefits of taking some time to touch you. But if you haven’t done that, here’s how to start:
Take a timer, and set it for 10 minutes (or 15, if you’re up for it). And ask him to touch you for that whole time. You can’t get “to the main event” yet. You have to just touch, because many women take a while to be able to relax enough to actually feel good.
Then, just concentrate on how it’s feeling. If he’s doing something too roughly, you have two choices: guide his hand and show him how it feels better, or tell him. Saying nothing is not an option, okay?
And then just FEEL.
Once you know what you like, then from now on, when you make love, take his hand and show him. That’s not being mean. It’s not being selfish. It’s not being demanding. It’s simply trying to make the experience mutual. And he’ll likely interpret that as you being excited about the whole thing, which can, in turn, be exciting for him.
Don’t be embarrassed. You’re supposed to have feelings. It’s supposed to feel good. And if you’re still scared to talk to him, here are some ways to make it a little easier (and giggle along the way):
1. Ask him to read this post
2. Throw a towel over your head and then tell him (if you just can’t look him in the eye)
3. Lie in the bathtub together, spooning, so that you can talk without having to look at his face.
4. Climb under the covers, giggling, and then tell him.
5. Leave him a note.
It doesn’t matter how you communicate; just do something!
I even wrote a post called 10 Ways to Tell Your Husband What You Want in Bed to help you get more ideas. Here’s a taste:
From 10 Ways to Tell Your Husband What You'd Like in Bed:
The vast majority of men honestly want to please their wives. Their pleasure is largely dependent on our pleasure. When we’re not having that much fun, they know, and it makes sex less exciting and a little disappointing to them, too. So they’d likely love some tips on how to make sex fun!
But more importantly, when you start sharing what you want, you open up to your husband. You become more sexual. And that’s sexy, in and of itself! When we’re honest, especially about something so personal, we will feel closer, and that makes sex hotter, too!
Hope that helps! And check out the post for those 10 ideas to tell him what you’d like in bed.
Have you overcome shyness in your marriage? How did you become more comfortable telling your spouse what you like in bed?
Learn Great Sex Tips!
10 Ways to Make Sex Feel Amazing for Him
How to Find a Safe Place to Learn More About Sex
31 Days to Great Sex Challenge
Author
Social Media
Sheila's Best Posts
Books
Courses
Freebie
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 27 years and happily married for 22! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.Find Sheila Here:YouTube
Sheila's Favorite Posts on To Love, Honor and Vacuum:
10 ways to initiate sex
10 Effects of Porn on Your Brain, Marriage, & Sex Life
Why So Much Marriage Advice is So Trite
How can Sex be Hot and Holy at the Same Time?
Check out some of Sheila's Books:
The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex
31 Days to Great Sex
9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage
To Love, Honor, and Vacuum
Check out Sheila's Courses:
The Boost Your Libido Course
The Whole Story: Talking to Your Daughter about Sex, Puberty, and Growing Up
The FREE Emotional Intimacy E-Course
Are you ready to take your marriage to the next level?
Sign up for our emails and get access to the TLHV free marriage and parenting resource library. We have over 25 downloads and are constantly adding more. Sign up here!
Does Your Sex Life Need a Pick-Me-Up?
Maybe it's gotten stale. Maybe it's never felt that great. Or maybe you just feel like you're missing something!February 7, 2019
PODCAST: Hot and Holy Sex, Control Freaks, and More!
It’s time for a new episode of the To Love, Honor and Vacuum podcast!
I hope you all will listen, but if you don’t have time, I’ll have some links and rabbit trails below so you can read all you want as well!
And consider these podcast “extras”, too. I often refer to them in the podcast, but here are even more resources if you want to go deeper.
But first, here’s the podcast:
Main Segment: Why you can’t be a control freak in the bedroom
I was talking yesterday on the blog about how one of the gifts that God gave women with how our bodies work with sex is that we have to be fully present. No multitasking. No worrying about anything else. Just BEING.
That is a gift. But I wonder if we don’t always understand that this is how our bodies work? Or that we simply won’t enjoy sex if we’re always trying to control everything or be perfectly proper. I talked about both of these older posts in the podcast today, and you may enjoy them, too:
How Sex Can Be Both Hot and Holy
Great Sex Means You Let Go of Control!
Need an easier way to have these conversations?
31 Days to Great Sex guides you through exercises so that you can talk about libido, frequency, intimacy, in a low-stress, easy way.
No blaming. Just solutions–and a whole lot of fun!
Let's try it!
Millennial Marriage: How are student loans holding back millennial couples
Here’s the article we were discussing:
U.S. Student Loan Debt Sets Record
Can you climb out of that kind of student loan debt–and eventually buy a house or get stable? Rebecca and I were talking today about how living a more minimalist lifestyle in your twenties is very doable–and leads to a lot less stress, too.
Some more that may help:
Why Married Couples Really Should Share Finances
10 Tips for Starting a Clothing Allowance with Teens
Why Downsizing Really CAN Be Worth It
10 Ways to Stop the Money Fights in Your Marriage
Reader Question: Help! I can’t turn my mind off during sex
We started out not knowing what our sex life really needed to be like and it was uncomfortable and painful for me so I pulled away at that point and didn’t really want much to do with it because it ‘didn’t work’ for me. About five years later I finally found out what an orgasm should be like! Lol but I still never had the desire to be intimate. We’ve had two kids since then, dealt with a few porn incidents on his end and worked our way through the very exhausting early parenting years. Our kids are now 4 and 7 but Most days I’m very tired and just want to go to sleep and don’t really care to be intimate…and I feel terrible about that, but I have no idea how to change it. And lots of times I try to be intimate with him and I just can’t shut my brain off or relax enough to enjoy it at all. Please help!
Such a common question! And what I really appreciated about this one is how multifaceted everything is–she had pain during sex; she never got much pleasure out of it; he turned to porn; they have little kids; now she has no desire.
It’s never just one thing, is it? It’s always a whole pile of things!
So some practical advice in this segment. And if you’re really struggling with this, I highly recommend my Boost Your Libido course, because it takes you through exercises to help you stay “present”.
Yep! I need that!
Comment for the Week: My wife thinks only one position is proper
A male reader left a comment on an older post about how he’d love for their sex life to be passionate, but his wife won’t let him really touch her or do anything except for the missionary position. If you struggle with seeing sex as a positive thing, or feeling freedom in the bedroom, please check out The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex! It gives you a new perspective on how sex is supposed to be both hot and holy at the same time, and it’s not like only one thing is okay, and everything else is somehow “dirty”. If you haven’t read it yet, you need to!
And these may help, too:
Learn Great Sex Tips!
10 Ways to Make Sex Feel Amazing for Him
How to Tell Your Husband What You Want in Bed
31 Days to Great Sex Challenge
That’s it for today’s podcast! Hope you enjoyed all the “extras”. Let me know if there’s anything you want me to comment on in a future podcast!
Author
Social Media
Sheila's Best Posts
Books
Courses
Freebie
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 27 years and happily married for 22! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
Find Sheila Here:
Facebook
Twitter
Instagram
YouTube
Pinterest
Sheila's Favorite Posts on To Love, Honor and Vacuum:
10 ways to initiate sex
10 Effects of Porn on Your Brain, Marriage, & Sex Life
Why So Much Marriage Advice is So Trite
How can Sex be Hot and Holy at the Same Time?
Check out some of Sheila's Books:
The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex
31 Days to Great Sex
9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage
To Love, Honor, and Vacuum
Check out Sheila's Courses:
The Boost Your Libido Course
The Whole Story: Talking to Your Daughter about Sex, Puberty, and Growing Up
The FREE Emotional Intimacy E-Course
Are you ready to take your marriage to the next level?
Sign up for our emails and get access to the TLHV free marriage and parenting resource library. We have over 25 downloads and are constantly adding more. Sign up here!
The Best 31 Days of Your Marriage!
Read a few pages. Do what it says. Have incredible fun!
Learn to talk more, flirt more, and even explore more! You'll work on how to connect emotionally, spiritually, AND physically. And the ebook version is only $4.99!
.
February 6, 2019
Sex is the Gift of Being in the Moment. And that Is a Gift!
I don’t live in the moment well–and that can make sex more difficult.
I’m a woman, and like most women, I have a million things going on in my head at any one time: What’s for dinner tomorrow night (and did I remember to take something out of the freezer?); what birthday gift do I need to buy; what errand did I forget to do today; what do I do about my friend who seems distant; etc. etc. etc.
It’s never ending.
And it saps my joy. In fact, it’s one of the biggest joy sappers that I have.
When I hear people talking about the difference between men and women, and how men have a “nothing” box where they can go and think about absolutely nothing, I get insanely jealous. When I read that Men are Like Waffles and Women Are Like Spaghetti, and that men can jump between boxes without the last box impeding on the first, while women have these threads noodling into every area of our lives–well, I want to know how that feels. I want to be in a box without all the worries and cares of the world.
Every month, I like to find a new theme to develop on Wednesdays, and this month I want to talk about intimacy, and how to stay close to each other. I actually started talking about it last week, when I was talking about “Indivisible”, and how important it is to keep talking about the hard stuff. But I want to continue that theme in different ways throughout November. How do we feel connected? Why don’t we feel close? How can we improve that?
Here are some other series for you to read:
Is He Your Type? MBTI Personality Types and Marriage
Our Submission Series: What Does It Mean to Obey Like Sarah?
Which Birth Control Method Is Right For You? A Pros and Cons Evaluation of Them All!
Men are Visual: But Does That Mean That All Men Lust?
As we start our talk about intimacy, I thought I’d start with something super basic–how sex can help focus us.
Now, normally I’d write a “how to” piece about that, like what to do if something’s not working, or how to make something better in your life–and we’ll certainly do some of that this month.
But I want to start with a bit of gratitude.
One of the things that I so appreciate about how God made sex is that I am learning, ever so slowly, to be in the moment. I am learning to be in a box.
Let's take a moment to appreciate how God made sex, and how it can teach us to be in the moment!Click To Tweet
And it is good.
I think God made women’s bodies the way He did as a gift.
Sex isn’t just the gift of feeling close, or just the gift of feeling pleasure. Sex is the gift from God that, just for a few moments, you can just BE. You can just experience. And it’s that raw passion that brings you together, because you don’t have that with anybody else.
Here’s how it works: As I’ve talked about before, for women to enjoy sex, we have to be able to get out of our heads and concentrate on our bodies. If our heads aren’t engaged, our bodies don’t follow. That’s why we’re so distractible! You could be having a great time in bed, and enjoying everything that’s happening, but then the stray thought enters your brain–“is there milk in the fridge?”
You didn’t mean to think about milk. But once you do, you can’t stop. And now you’re rattling off a whole grocery list in your head, and pleasure has completely collapsed.
When we don’t pay attention to our bodies, sex feels meh.
For sex to feel good, we have to train ourselves to forget about everything else, and just to feel what’s happening NOW.
Of course, that can be a bit of work, and it isn’t always easy. It means learning to give up control. It means getting your head in the game!
But when you do, you’re finally able to be totally focused on just what’s going on right now. No guilt about what you should be doing, or what you’ve left undone. No voices telling you something else you should be doing. You’re just here. YOU. With the man that you love. And that’s enough.
That’s the gift.
I think if it were easy for women to feel pleasure even if we did have 15 things going through our heads then we’d never be able to fully relax. But because we need to learn to let it all go, well, then it shows us that God wants us to let it all go sometimes. God wants us to just BE.
In many ways, that makes sex purer.
I don’t mean pure in a morality way (although it certainly is that in marriage, too). I mean pure in the sense that this can be all there is. Just like Ivory soap says that it’s 99.44% pure, or whatever they claim, for those few moments, you can be totally 99.44% focused in the moment–focused on your husband and you, together.
It’s like what C.S. Lewis wrote in his book The Four Loves, about Eros. He says:
[W]e are more ourselves when fully clothed. By nudity the lovers cease to be John and Mary; the universal He and She are emphasized.
When we’re naked together, all the other concerns that are unique to us cease, and it becomes simply about a raw hunger and a love that is actually quite pure. Being able to experience that–that is a gift.
If it were easy for women to feel pleasure even with 15 things going through our heads then we'd never be able to fully relax. Sex asks us to be present, so we can enjoy itClick To Tweet
Do you yearn to have a more meaningful–and fun–sex life?
Check out my 31 Day challenge that you do with your spouse. Super easy–just read a few pages a night and do what it says. Learn to talk more, flirt more, be more affectionate, spice things up, deal with baggage, and so much more!
No blaming. Just solutions–and a whole lot of fun!
Let's try it!
This is easier for me to do as I get older.
Maybe it’s because my children aren’t small anymore, or because I’m more at peace with myself. But I am noticing that as I am able to let all else go while we make love, it gets easier to do that at other times, too. In effect, feeling close to Keith THEN makes it easier for me to experience life unimpeded at other times, too.
I can stop washing the dishes and just appreciate the sunset.
I can stop reading the news and just listen to the praise song that is singing, and not do anything else.
I can just stretch and experience how good that feels without thinking, “I should hurry up and get back to work.”
This month we’ll be talking about how to foster intimacy, and how to make sure you feel close. But I wanted to start the month on the right foot, just saying that sex truly is a gift, on so many levels. Sometimes we make it more complicated than it needs to be. And increasingly, that lesson (“don’t make things more complicated than they need to be”) is what I am learning.
And so I breathe deeply.
I know Keith loves me.
I think about how much he loves me.
I’m able to just enjoy the moment.
I’m able to enjoy life.
And that’s good.
So as we start this month, can I encourage you all to think about what you have to be grateful for when it comes to sex and intimacy? That can set the stage well for the challenges that may follow!
And now–breathe.
Let me know in the comments–do you know what I mean about the gift of being fully present? Do you have trouble with turning off multitasking, too? Let’s talk!
Like this post? You may also enjoy:
How Sex Can Be Both Hot and Holy
Great Sex Means You Let Go of Control!
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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 27 years and happily married for 22! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
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Sheila's Favorite Posts on To Love, Honor and Vacuum:
10 ways to initiate sex
10 Effects of Porn on Your Brain, Marriage, & Sex Life
Why So Much Marriage Advice is So Trite
How can Sex be Hot and Holy at the Same Time?
Check out some of Sheila's Books:
The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex
31 Days to Great Sex
9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage
To Love, Honor, and Vacuum
Check out Sheila's Courses:
The Boost Your Libido Course
The Whole Story: Talking to Your Daughter about Sex, Puberty, and Growing Up
The FREE Emotional Intimacy E-Course
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Does Your Sex Life Need a Pick-Me-Up?Maybe it's gotten stale. Maybe it's never felt that great. Or maybe you just feel like you're missing something!
